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1
00:00:02,712 --> 00:00:06,381
My new sheets from the Under A Dollar
store feel so luxurious.
2
00:00:06,549 --> 00:00:10,803
Like they could maybe cost over a dollar.
Maybe even two or three.
3
00:00:10,970 --> 00:00:14,724
Yup. It was a good day
over at the Under A Dollar.
4
00:00:15,557 --> 00:00:19,519
Steak, bed stuff
and my new steak-eating chair.
5
00:00:19,687 --> 00:00:22,314
Doesn't it worry you
that you got meat and furniture...
6
00:00:22,481 --> 00:00:24,774
...for the price of an Angry Birds update?
7
00:00:24,942 --> 00:00:27,861
Yeah, it worries me
that it'll never happen again.
8
00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:32,198
Sheets and steak?
Never dare to dream it.
9
00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:33,993
These sheets smell amazing too.
10
00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:37,787
Thanks to that one little fabric softener ball,
also under a dollar.
11
00:00:37,954 --> 00:00:40,750
I dated a guy with one ball once.
12
00:00:41,332 --> 00:00:46,380
He was all self-conscious, but I told him,
"No big deal, it's just as ugly as two."
13
00:00:46,546 --> 00:00:48,841
I am gonna get such a good night....
14
00:00:49,008 --> 00:00:51,384
Oh, sheet!
15
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:56,307
"Thread count: yes.
16
00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:59,810
Washing instructions: Do not wash."
17
00:00:59,976 --> 00:01:01,771
Are you sure you wanna sit in that?
18
00:01:01,936 --> 00:01:04,314
Woman, don't talk to me
while I'm eating my steak.
19
00:01:09,694 --> 00:01:13,323
"Instructions: Do not sit."
20
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:28,963
Ow.
21
00:01:29,131 --> 00:01:31,299
Yay. Root Beer Barrel.
22
00:01:32,301 --> 00:01:33,343
Ow!
23
00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:36,680
What? A candy trail.
24
00:01:36,847 --> 00:01:39,849
God, are you just getting to me now?
25
00:01:40,016 --> 00:01:42,436
You do work in mysterious ways.
26
00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:46,524
I'm not God but I believe I did answer
your roommate's prayers last night.
27
00:01:46,689 --> 00:01:50,902
Andy. So how'd this happen?
Where'd you guys find each other again?
28
00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:52,822
Rematch.com?
29
00:01:53,948 --> 00:01:56,616
EmptyVajayDate?
30
00:01:57,408 --> 00:02:00,245
No, last night I thought,
"These sheets are already ruined.
31
00:02:00,412 --> 00:02:04,457
So I might as well really ruin them
with sex." So I called Andy.
32
00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:07,710
And I was obviously flattered,
so I came over.
33
00:02:07,878 --> 00:02:10,965
Well, I hope you guys spent
more than a dollar for condoms.
34
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:14,259
Hey, there are two things I never skimp on:
condoms and candy.
35
00:02:14,425 --> 00:02:17,096
Max, did you see
what I left on the counter for you?
36
00:02:17,263 --> 00:02:20,056
Condoms? Candy?
Condoms full of candy?
37
00:02:20,223 --> 00:02:23,269
Well, now you're gonna be disappointed
because it's just candy.
38
00:02:26,312 --> 00:02:30,734
Ooh! All my favorites. I wonder
if I can get diabetes before breakfast.
39
00:02:30,901 --> 00:02:31,985
Thanks, Andy.
40
00:02:33,194 --> 00:02:37,824
Ha, ha. That candy was just a decoy so you didn't
see my Push Pop when I got out of bed.
41
00:02:39,909 --> 00:02:42,788
So are you and Andy back together?
42
00:02:42,954 --> 00:02:45,790
No, it was just a one-time thing.
43
00:02:46,584 --> 00:02:52,213
Look at you, you're like the Greek goddess
of booty calls, Aphro-whitey.
44
00:02:53,007 --> 00:02:55,593
Kind of proud of myself,
my very first booty call.
45
00:02:55,759 --> 00:02:59,513
Well, actually, it was a booty tweet.
Booty is up with the times.
46
00:03:00,097 --> 00:03:03,141
Technically, booty call has been around
since the old-timey times.
47
00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:07,520
Alexander Graham Bell's very first
phone call was, "Hey, you up?"
48
00:03:09,981 --> 00:03:15,528
-Hey, so I gotta go. Is that cool?
-Oh, super cool. Sure.
49
00:03:15,695 --> 00:03:19,824
What do we do? Kiss, high-five?
Max, what do you do in this situation?
50
00:03:19,991 --> 00:03:24,622
I usually wave at him with my arm clenched
because I'm hiding his wallet in it.
51
00:03:26,623 --> 00:03:28,876
Well, nice seeing you.
52
00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:35,841
I don't usually do the salute,
but, okay, that can be your thing.
53
00:03:39,637 --> 00:03:41,847
CAROLINE: Earl, here's my last check.
Can you tip me out?
54
00:03:42,014 --> 00:03:44,432
I have a possible booty call.
55
00:03:45,016 --> 00:03:49,729
Well, Caroline, you've reached
a new place of familiarity with me.
56
00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:53,567
Unfortunately, I've not reached
that same place with you.
57
00:03:56,152 --> 00:03:57,655
Can you cover my tables?
58
00:03:57,820 --> 00:04:00,907
I've been doing that
since you started working here, so yes.
59
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:03,076
Gonna text Andy
for another booty call.
60
00:04:03,242 --> 00:04:06,580
And maybe this time we can go out
and have a booty breakfast.
61
00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:12,961
As president of the Casual Sex Society,
local chapter, I call bull on your booty.
62
00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:16,005
-What? It's a booty call.
-Not with you it isn't.
63
00:04:16,173 --> 00:04:19,093
You think that booty breakfast
will lead to a booty dinner...
64
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:22,346
...then booty engaged and married
and have a couple booty kids...
65
00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:25,348
...and a booty retirement home
and then booty die together.
66
00:04:25,516 --> 00:04:29,560
That's not true. He'll die before me.
Then I'll take a dance class.
67
00:04:33,231 --> 00:04:35,526
What are you doing?
Do you have to pee?
68
00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:39,196
No, I feel something down there.
69
00:04:39,697 --> 00:04:42,824
Yeah, you woke it up. Now it's hungry.
70
00:04:48,372 --> 00:04:51,834
But you don't take it back
to the same restaurant.
71
00:04:53,084 --> 00:04:55,795
What is that
and why is it wearing a bow tie?
72
00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:59,382
Maybe because an actual tie
would drag on the ground.
73
00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:03,428
Speaking of dragging on the ground...
74
00:05:03,595 --> 00:05:07,932
...maybe you could drag an antelope
back to your cave and have sex with it.
75
00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:11,144
See, I have a sense of humor too.
76
00:05:11,310 --> 00:05:14,148
That's one of the attributes
on my online dating profile.
77
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:15,399
Are you dressed up...
78
00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:18,569
-...because you're expecting a date?
-I'm expecting a lot more.
79
00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:20,653
Our profiles matched us perfectly.
80
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:23,281
-This might be the one.
-Which one? The first one?
81
00:05:23,449 --> 00:05:26,617
The only one?
The one that accidentally steps on you?
82
00:05:26,785 --> 00:05:29,370
She was supposed to be here
a half hour ago.
83
00:05:29,538 --> 00:05:33,542
Well, you know, subways run late
especially if you don't get on them...
84
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:37,920
...because you don't really exist and
are a money-scamming man in Nairobi.
85
00:05:39,255 --> 00:05:41,466
Hi, I'm looking for Han Lee, the owner.
86
00:05:41,632 --> 00:05:46,637
There she is. Pretty, blond and
clearly not a man. Who's laughing now?
87
00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:50,933
You shouldn't jump to conclusions.
I once had a date with a blond woman.
88
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:54,312
Turns out, the curtains matched the penis
on that one.
89
00:05:57,566 --> 00:06:00,319
Hello. Are you Ashley? I'm Han Lee.
90
00:06:00,485 --> 00:06:03,154
Hi. Nice to meet you.
91
00:06:03,322 --> 00:06:05,824
I left something in my car.
I'll be right back.
92
00:06:08,117 --> 00:06:13,456
-Is she coming back?
-Han, Jesus is coming back before she is.
93
00:06:17,168 --> 00:06:18,961
Han, you're too good for her.
94
00:06:19,129 --> 00:06:23,341
I don't understand. We were 97 percent
compatible on the website.
95
00:06:23,509 --> 00:06:25,468
Let me see your profile.
96
00:06:25,636 --> 00:06:27,721
-Who's that?
-That's me.
97
00:06:28,305 --> 00:06:33,143
No. That's the hot Asian star
from Hawaii Five-0.
98
00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:35,187
What? We kind of look alike.
99
00:06:36,230 --> 00:06:39,691
The only thing you have in common
with this guy from Hawaii Five-0...
100
00:06:39,858 --> 00:06:42,528
...is that you are five-foot-0.
101
00:06:46,365 --> 00:06:49,826
-And, Han, athletic?
-In school I ran track.
102
00:06:49,992 --> 00:06:53,831
Running under the hurdles
doesn't count as track.
103
00:06:54,540 --> 00:06:57,918
Han, this is totally lame.
Let me help you find the right girl.
104
00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:02,338
You give me so much joy at your expense,
I feel like I need to give back.
105
00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:06,218
Thank you, Max. I'm insulted and honored
at the same time.
106
00:07:07,511 --> 00:07:10,639
Seeing Han and Ashley together
for that second made me realize...
107
00:07:10,848 --> 00:07:13,516
...I wanna be in a relationship.
I'm gonna text Andy.
108
00:07:13,684 --> 00:07:17,103
I knew it. I called that. I booty called that.
109
00:07:17,271 --> 00:07:19,730
Your casual-sex card is being revoked.
110
00:07:19,898 --> 00:07:23,442
Unfortunately,
Andy is still an active member. Very active.
111
00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:26,988
-What are you talking about?
-I'm saying he has an active member.
112
00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:31,326
-He told me he's seeing someone.
-He's seeing someone?
113
00:07:31,492 --> 00:07:33,704
Actually, he's seeing a few someones.
114
00:07:33,870 --> 00:07:36,290
How many someones?
115
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,167
Oh, it's back.
116
00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:41,670
Do you think this itch has anything
to do with those many someones?
117
00:07:41,879 --> 00:07:43,713
Do you think he gave me something?
118
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:46,466
Well, if he did,
you just gave it to the counter.
119
00:07:55,057 --> 00:07:59,605
-What did poor people do before WebMD?
-They died.
120
00:08:01,607 --> 00:08:05,985
What is that? It's all red and chunky.
I hope that's not what you have.
121
00:08:06,194 --> 00:08:07,778
Max, that's salsa.
122
00:08:12,117 --> 00:08:15,370
-But look.
-Whoa! What the hell is that?
123
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:19,499
What the hell does Jen
from New Rochelle have?
124
00:08:19,707 --> 00:08:23,086
It's a rash. Jen says,
"It was bad for a while, then disappeared."
125
00:08:23,252 --> 00:08:26,589
So Jen came down
with a case of my father?
126
00:08:27,423 --> 00:08:30,509
A rash? That doesn't sound so bad.
I could live with a rash.
127
00:08:30,718 --> 00:08:35,389
-Except Dr. Web thinks it might be herpes.
-Trust me, I don't have it.
128
00:08:35,557 --> 00:08:38,018
Jen's obviously a whore.
129
00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:40,854
-Well, does it look like this?
-I don't know.
130
00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:44,942
-I can't quite bend over far enough to see it.
-Fine. I'll look at it.
131
00:08:45,107 --> 00:08:47,360
What? No!
132
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:50,614
What? Jen showed me hers.
133
00:08:50,780 --> 00:08:52,865
I'm sure mine is just a rash.
134
00:08:53,491 --> 00:08:57,870
Cathy from Colorado says, "I thought
it was just a rash, but guess what.
135
00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:01,124
Rashes are always herpes."
136
00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:03,793
I can't have herpes.
137
00:09:03,961 --> 00:09:07,129
Sex is the only fun thing
poor people can afford.
138
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:11,592
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
139
00:09:11,759 --> 00:09:12,844
Just let me see it.
140
00:09:13,010 --> 00:09:15,846
What? I could not continue
to live here if you ever saw it.
141
00:09:16,014 --> 00:09:17,975
Well, then definitely let me see it.
142
00:09:18,975 --> 00:09:23,355
It's okay. I have one too,
except mine has a welcome mat.
143
00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:28,192
I know, I'll just take a picture of it.
144
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,861
And that's how Kim Kardashian
became famous.
145
00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:35,908
It's bad enough I'm taking a picture
of my vagina, I'm doing it with an iPhone 3.
146
00:09:38,870 --> 00:09:40,121
(CAMERA CLICKS)
147
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:41,831
Too dark. Needs a flash.
148
00:09:42,331 --> 00:09:44,293
All right, but watch out for red-eye.
149
00:09:47,086 --> 00:09:48,297
(CAMERA CLICKS)
150
00:09:51,799 --> 00:09:54,385
Oh, there she is.
151
00:09:55,511 --> 00:09:57,681
-That's definitely something.
-Let me see it.
152
00:09:57,847 --> 00:10:00,100
Wait, it needs a filter.
153
00:10:01,018 --> 00:10:05,313
Lo-fi, no. Valencia, no.
Oh, maybe just a border.
154
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:07,065
Just give it to me.
155
00:10:07,732 --> 00:10:10,235
Oh. That's not good.
156
00:10:10,402 --> 00:10:14,947
I wanna go on the record, it doesn't always
look like that. It's actually quite pretty.
157
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:18,493
Well, now it has a good personality.
158
00:10:18,659 --> 00:10:19,702
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
159
00:10:20,202 --> 00:10:23,956
Oh, that's the Center for Disease Control
coming to get me with their van.
160
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,168
I'll get it. The walking helps.
161
00:10:27,336 --> 00:10:30,755
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
162
00:10:31,340 --> 00:10:35,802
Hi, girls. I got Chinese food.
You wanna hang out?
163
00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:37,763
Sophie, this isn't a good time.
164
00:10:40,514 --> 00:10:44,101
Uh-oh. Someone's got the herp walk.
165
00:10:45,937 --> 00:10:48,690
Sophie, we don't know what it is.
It could be a rash.
166
00:10:48,856 --> 00:10:51,942
Yeah, it could but it probably isn't.
Let me see.
167
00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:53,736
-Stop it.
-What?
168
00:10:53,903 --> 00:10:56,947
It's okay. I was a nurse back in Poland.
169
00:10:57,115 --> 00:10:59,618
You've heard
of Doctors Without Borders?
170
00:10:59,784 --> 00:11:03,621
Well, we were
Nurses Without Credentials.
171
00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:07,875
Yeah. Our motto was,
"What? We wanna help."
172
00:11:08,460 --> 00:11:09,794
Stop it.
173
00:11:09,961 --> 00:11:11,837
Max, don't show Sophie.
174
00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:14,924
Oh, my God.
175
00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:21,389
Oh, I mean, come on,
slap a filter on this thing.
176
00:11:22,057 --> 00:11:23,140
Okay. I'm done.
177
00:11:23,307 --> 00:11:26,894
I'm done with Nurses Without Credentials
or Doctors Without Faces.
178
00:11:27,062 --> 00:11:30,273
-Tomorrow, I'm going to a free clinic.
-Well, this is real bad.
179
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,442
You better run. Don't herp walk.
180
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:38,447
Whoa. This thing says one out of six people
have herpes.
181
00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:42,744
Uh-oh.
182
00:11:43,537 --> 00:11:45,831
Max, anyone in here
could be the one in six.
183
00:11:45,996 --> 00:11:48,707
Are you sure you don't wanna
get tested while we're here?
184
00:11:48,917 --> 00:11:50,543
No, I'm bad at tests.
185
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:54,713
If you can't afford a doctor it's better to
spend whatever money you got on weed...
186
00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:56,924
...to help you forget whatever you got.
187
00:11:57,091 --> 00:11:58,427
Caroline Channing.
188
00:11:58,969 --> 00:12:01,804
It's so embarrassing.
Could she say my name any louder?
189
00:12:01,971 --> 00:12:03,722
Caroline Channing!
190
00:12:04,932 --> 00:12:05,975
I guess she could.
191
00:12:06,143 --> 00:12:08,937
Miss Channing, you wrote here
the reason for your visit...
192
00:12:09,104 --> 00:12:12,441
...is an uncomfortable sensation
in your nether regions.
193
00:12:13,024 --> 00:12:14,484
Could you be more specific?
194
00:12:14,650 --> 00:12:18,363
Is there a more private area
we could discuss my private area?
195
00:12:19,114 --> 00:12:20,698
Oh, I'm sorry.
196
00:12:20,865 --> 00:12:25,162
Let me bring out my hot air balloon
and we'll take a tour of the city...
197
00:12:27,371 --> 00:12:31,250
...while we discuss
your uncomfortable lady sensation.
198
00:12:31,793 --> 00:12:35,754
Shirley, the only lady sensation
I'm seeing in this office is you.
199
00:12:36,465 --> 00:12:40,134
Well, I appreciate that, girl. I try
to lighten the load with a little humor. Heh.
200
00:12:40,302 --> 00:12:45,347
-Well, I don't need the jokes, thank you.
-Oh, they're not for you. They for us. Heh, heh.
201
00:12:46,475 --> 00:12:49,644
(WHISPERS)
I need to be tested for herpes.
202
00:12:49,811 --> 00:12:53,523
Girl, you sound like you're doing
a perfume ad for herpes.
203
00:12:53,690 --> 00:12:55,734
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Just give her the phone.
204
00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:02,615
Hm. Well, this is either herpes
or something I ain't never seen before.
205
00:13:03,408 --> 00:13:07,203
Now, the HSV-2 is not a standard pap.
It is a specific blood test.
206
00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:09,206
And it is $250.
207
00:13:10,331 --> 00:13:12,958
The only way I know how to get money
for that test...
208
00:13:13,125 --> 00:13:15,836
...will probably give me an STD.
209
00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:18,048
Can we maybe work out a cheaper price?
210
00:13:18,215 --> 00:13:20,258
We're waitresses
at the Williamsburg Diner.
211
00:13:20,424 --> 00:13:22,927
I can give you free food
for as long as I work there.
212
00:13:23,094 --> 00:13:26,139
And now that I may have this, I mean,
where else am I going?
213
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:29,017
Blood test or denial?
214
00:13:29,643 --> 00:13:32,854
Blood test. I'll just ask Andy for a loan.
215
00:13:33,020 --> 00:13:36,357
But it's actually more of a buy
since he already ruined the property.
216
00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:39,235
Classic "you break it, you buy it."
217
00:13:39,402 --> 00:13:43,030
Hey, Max. Good to see you.
218
00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:51,081
I hooked up with that guy once.
219
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:55,251
Um, do you know what he was here for
and how long he's had it?
220
00:13:56,461 --> 00:13:59,548
You know what? Give me one of those
sexual history forms.
221
00:14:01,048 --> 00:14:03,051
This sexual history list is hard.
222
00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:05,052
Can't it just be a top ten?
223
00:14:05,220 --> 00:14:07,138
Well, Andy's not here yet.
224
00:14:07,304 --> 00:14:11,393
He's probably busy getting busy
with his ragtag team of gutter skanks.
225
00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:14,395
Gutter Skanks? Didn't I see
them open for Cannibal Corpse?
226
00:14:15,145 --> 00:14:19,400
Look, you need to relax.
Why don't we just get a drink or nine?
227
00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:21,860
Two double jack and gingers.
Oh, yeah, Jack.
228
00:14:22,070 --> 00:14:24,780
Number 38.
229
00:14:24,947 --> 00:14:27,533
And that ginger. Number 39.
230
00:14:27,701 --> 00:14:30,912
Max, look, Jen from New Rochelle
put up a new update on WebMD.
231
00:14:31,078 --> 00:14:37,586
She says her life has gotten so much better
after joining a site called His-and-Herpes.
232
00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:40,212
Hi, Andy, have a seat.
233
00:14:40,379 --> 00:14:44,717
You don't know that he gave it to you, and
you don't know that you have it, so be cool.
234
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:49,139
Don't worry, Max, I got this.
And Andy, I got that.
235
00:14:49,764 --> 00:14:50,932
Whoa!
236
00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:54,602
I thought it was annoying
when people took pictures of their food.
237
00:14:55,102 --> 00:14:56,895
When were you gonna tell me, Andy?
238
00:14:57,105 --> 00:15:00,942
When my vagina burst into flames
and became an actual burning bush?
239
00:15:02,152 --> 00:15:05,697
-Wait, that's yours?
-Worst selfie ever, right?
240
00:15:07,032 --> 00:15:09,200
Wow, I didn't recognize it.
241
00:15:09,868 --> 00:15:11,620
Was it out in the sun?
242
00:15:12,662 --> 00:15:17,792
-You owe me $250 for the blood test, Andy.
-And nine dollars for that drink.
243
00:15:17,958 --> 00:15:20,711
Look, everybody just calm down.
244
00:15:20,879 --> 00:15:23,631
Andy, you may or may not
have given her herpes.
245
00:15:23,798 --> 00:15:25,799
She may or may not be overreacting.
246
00:15:25,966 --> 00:15:29,721
I may or may not have slept
with that bartender, he is my type...
247
00:15:29,888 --> 00:15:35,559
...and yet he has a job, so he's not,
and he goes in the maybes.
248
00:15:35,726 --> 00:15:38,980
Look, Caroline,
I'm really sorry, but I am totally clean.
249
00:15:39,147 --> 00:15:41,316
Since we broke up,
I have only had safe sex...
250
00:15:41,482 --> 00:15:43,985
...with a special ed teacher
and a dental hygienist.
251
00:15:44,152 --> 00:15:46,696
I mean, that job has hygiene
right in the title.
252
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:52,494
Wait, oh, there were a couple of times
where I did have unsafe sex with myself.
253
00:15:52,661 --> 00:15:55,996
But only when I couldn't sleep.
And a lot of other times.
254
00:15:56,163 --> 00:15:57,624
I will go get tested tomorrow.
255
00:15:57,790 --> 00:16:00,751
In the meantime,
try not to go to the worst-case scenario.
256
00:16:00,918 --> 00:16:02,921
I'm not going to the worst-case scenario.
257
00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:06,508
If we both have it, no one is gonna
want us, so we should get married.
258
00:16:06,674 --> 00:16:08,717
"You gave me herpes.
You have to marry me."
259
00:16:08,884 --> 00:16:10,928
You wanna save that
for our wedding vows?
260
00:16:11,096 --> 00:16:13,764
Well, if you don't use it, I will.
261
00:16:19,062 --> 00:16:22,691
I can't wait till tomorrow for my test results.
I'm gonna call the clinic.
262
00:16:22,856 --> 00:16:27,028
You left, like, ten messages. You're acting
like the clinic's crazy ex-girlfriend.
263
00:16:27,195 --> 00:16:30,030
Well, I'm leaving another message.
Hand me my phone.
264
00:16:34,451 --> 00:16:37,455
What? I have to stay healthy
in case you have it.
265
00:16:37,621 --> 00:16:40,834
Someone's got to pick up
your welfare checks.
266
00:16:41,543 --> 00:16:45,046
Well, this is my life now.
Working at a diner with herpes.
267
00:16:45,212 --> 00:16:49,551
The very best I can ever hope to be
is a mentor for a younger girl with herpes.
268
00:16:52,095 --> 00:16:53,971
Hi, maybe you can help me.
269
00:16:54,139 --> 00:16:57,642
Well, with that smile
and my bad heart I'll die trying.
270
00:16:57,808 --> 00:16:59,309
(SHIRLEY LAUGHING)
271
00:16:59,476 --> 00:17:02,938
I'm looking for the overly-emotional girl
that works here as a waitress.
272
00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:09,237
Oh, my God, what are you doing here?
Am I dying? Are you the angel of death?
273
00:17:09,738 --> 00:17:11,865
I think I found her.
274
00:17:12,030 --> 00:17:15,868
-Can we have a seat for a minute?
-Max. Max, she wants to sit down.
275
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,453
Come here and hold my hand.
276
00:17:17,619 --> 00:17:21,165
Oh, I'll hold your hand
after I find out what you have.
277
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,294
No need to be all dramatic.
278
00:17:24,461 --> 00:17:27,172
I just came to tell you
that your blood test came back...
279
00:17:27,337 --> 00:17:31,843
...but I am not allowed to give you
the results without a doctor.
280
00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:34,804
-You're not?
-No, I am not.
281
00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:38,974
That's a negative. A negative.
282
00:17:39,142 --> 00:17:41,144
Wait. Are you saying it's negative?
283
00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:43,270
I could not tell you that.
284
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:47,983
I also could not tell you
that it was probably an allergic reaction...
285
00:17:48,151 --> 00:17:50,111
...to soap or laundry detergent.
286
00:17:50,653 --> 00:17:55,365
Oh, my God. Max, it was that fabric
softener ball from the Under A Dollar store.
287
00:17:55,532 --> 00:17:59,496
Oh, I'm not a cheap whore. I'm just poor.
288
00:18:00,579 --> 00:18:03,458
Shirley, it was really cool of you
to come all the way in...
289
00:18:03,625 --> 00:18:05,585
...because we were really very upset.
290
00:18:05,794 --> 00:18:08,378
So upset that a caring
medical professional like you...
291
00:18:08,546 --> 00:18:13,926
...would probably help us out with
something for our anxiety. Or parties.
292
00:18:14,635 --> 00:18:16,346
Nice try.
293
00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:21,267
But I'm not here just out of the goodness
of my heart. I'm here for my free fries.
294
00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:23,519
I'm starving. I haven't been able to eat...
295
00:18:23,685 --> 00:18:27,440
...since you showed me that phone picture
of your bits and pieces.
296
00:18:29,526 --> 00:18:32,028
-Fries coming right up.
-And thank you so much.
297
00:18:32,194 --> 00:18:34,364
Oh, it's nice to give out good news.
298
00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:37,200
What about you?
When can I give you some good news?
299
00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:40,828
I'll be in tomorrow. I'm just waiting
for a call back from John Mayer.
300
00:18:44,332 --> 00:18:46,416
Hi, I'm looking for Han Lee.
301
00:18:46,584 --> 00:18:48,502
Oh, that's the girl I set up Han with.
302
00:18:48,670 --> 00:18:51,506
No visible Adam's apple. Go for it.
303
00:18:53,173 --> 00:18:56,219
Oh, Max, she's very pretty.
Are you sure she'll go for me?
304
00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:58,387
I think she might. Let's go say hi.
305
00:18:59,346 --> 00:19:04,059
Hi, you must be Jen. Jen, this is Han.
Han, this is Jen from New Rochelle.
306
00:19:04,227 --> 00:19:05,603
JEN: Hi.
-Hello.
307
00:19:05,769 --> 00:19:08,397
Jen from New Rochelle? Max, no.
308
00:19:08,565 --> 00:19:12,359
What? It could just be a reaction
to her laundry detergent.
309
00:19:16,865 --> 00:19:20,201
I'm clean! Totally clean!
310
00:19:23,288 --> 00:19:25,832
Shirley was as surprised as I am.
311
00:19:25,999 --> 00:19:28,585
Oh, Max, I'm so happy for you.
312
00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:30,086
Yup. I dodged a bullet.
313
00:19:30,252 --> 00:19:34,382
But from now on, I'm gonna be a little
more discerning. I'm not 13 anymore.
314
00:19:35,258 --> 00:19:38,510
I texted Andy and told him it
was a false alarm. I didn't have it.
315
00:19:38,677 --> 00:19:41,890
-What did he say?
-He said, "Hey, you up?"
316
00:19:42,557 --> 00:19:45,643
But I'm definitely not gonna go. Am I?
317
00:19:45,809 --> 00:19:49,188
All right, here's the thing.
This is about something bigger than Andy.
318
00:19:49,396 --> 00:19:52,692
-Actually, Andy's quite--
-Oh, I know.
319
00:19:53,151 --> 00:19:55,944
Came out to get a drink of water.
Saw it, loved it.
320
00:19:57,779 --> 00:20:03,036
Look, I'm gonna keep this simple.
You're using Andy to fill a hole.
321
00:20:05,747 --> 00:20:09,208
Yes, Max, that's how sex works.
322
00:20:09,416 --> 00:20:12,461
Ever since the business closed,
you've got all this free time...
323
00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:14,923
...and you don't know
what to do with yourself.
324
00:20:15,506 --> 00:20:17,090
I hear you.
325
00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:20,595
You're right. Ever since the business
closed, I do have a huge hole.
326
00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:25,266
I know. Came out to get a drink of water.
Saw it, loved it.
327
00:20:25,849 --> 00:20:28,685
I know we said we were gonna
do the cupcake business again.
328
00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:30,188
Now we have to make it real.
329
00:20:30,355 --> 00:20:32,648
I'm a business woman.
I need to have a business.
330
00:20:32,815 --> 00:20:35,484
Or apparently I'm gonna put someone
else's business into my business.
331
00:20:35,652 --> 00:20:36,693
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
332
00:20:36,861 --> 00:20:40,239
Max, tomorrow, we start again.
This time we have to give it our all.
333
00:20:40,448 --> 00:20:43,617
Clear vaginas, full hearts, can't lose.
334
00:20:44,993 --> 00:20:47,079
Hi, girls.
335
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:51,209
I came down with a solution
to your herpes problem, Caroline.
336
00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:54,002
Just don't tell anyone.
337
00:20:54,545 --> 00:20:56,756
-Sophie, I don't have it.
-That's it!
338
00:20:56,964 --> 00:21:00,384
That's the way to do it! Problem solved.
All right, bye-bye.
339
00:21:29,705 --> 00:21:31,708
English - US - SDH
27922
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