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1
00:00:01,092 --> 00:00:02,012
One steak sandwich
2
00:00:02,013 --> 00:00:04,061
and a cheeseburger
with muenster cheese.
3
00:00:04,062 --> 00:00:05,071
We're out of muenster.
4
00:00:05,072 --> 00:00:07,007
Oh, since when?
5
00:00:07,008 --> 00:00:09,000
Well, let's see,
the diner opened in '82.
6
00:00:09,001 --> 00:00:12,082
So '82.
7
00:00:12,083 --> 00:00:15,007
Hi, sorry but we're
out of muenster.
8
00:00:15,008 --> 00:00:16,056
Seriously, dude?
9
00:00:16,057 --> 00:00:17,058
I wanted muenster.
10
00:00:17,059 --> 00:00:20,011
Sorry, we have cheddar,
Swiss or American.
11
00:00:20,012 --> 00:00:22,074
I hate cheddar
and Swiss blows.
12
00:00:22,075 --> 00:00:24,045
Well... then American?
13
00:00:24,046 --> 00:00:25,048
American cheese?
14
00:00:25,049 --> 00:00:26,092
What am I,
at grade school?
15
00:00:26,093 --> 00:00:28,999
Yeah, go to
the principal's office.
16
00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:30,088
I can't have another idiot
up my ass right now.
17
00:00:30,089 --> 00:00:34,024
It's at capacity.
18
00:00:34,025 --> 00:00:36,032
Max, I got this.
19
00:00:36,033 --> 00:00:39,011
Would you like to see
the menu again?
20
00:00:39,012 --> 00:00:41,002
This is crap, okay,
I wanted muenster.
21
00:00:41,003 --> 00:00:43,062
Well, I wanted to be
running a fortune 500 company
22
00:00:43,063 --> 00:00:46,016
instead of waiting on a toxic
man-child like yourself.
23
00:00:46,017 --> 00:00:48,082
But, we can't always
get what we want.
24
00:00:48,083 --> 00:00:51,011
So, order something else,
put it in your pie hole
25
00:00:51,012 --> 00:00:54,074
and get on
with your damn life.
26
00:00:54,075 --> 00:00:55,075
Welcome to waitress.
27
00:00:55,076 --> 00:00:57,011
We've been expecting you.
28
00:00:59,012 --> 00:01:06,870
www.addic7ed.com
29
00:01:12,479 --> 00:01:13,488
Here you go, table ten, Earl.
30
00:01:13,489 --> 00:01:16,428
Have any exciting plans
for tomorrow?
31
00:01:16,429 --> 00:01:18,449
Just trying to not
die in my sleep, Max.
32
00:01:18,450 --> 00:01:23,411
How about you?
33
00:01:23,412 --> 00:01:24,473
I'm going to visit
Caroline's horse.
34
00:01:24,474 --> 00:01:26,436
He was adopted by
a rich white lady
35
00:01:26,437 --> 00:01:28,446
who could give him everything
we couldn't afford to.
36
00:01:28,447 --> 00:01:30,470
Which is everything.
37
00:01:30,471 --> 00:01:35,441
White people will
adopt anything.
38
00:01:35,442 --> 00:01:37,495
I figured out the best way
to go see Chestnut.
39
00:01:37,496 --> 00:01:38,494
We take the J train to the 4,
40
00:01:38,495 --> 00:01:39,496
the 4 to Grand Central,
41
00:01:39,497 --> 00:01:41,432
change trains to Riverdale
44
00:01:46,412 --> 00:01:48,433
No, but there's a dicey
underpass at Grand Central
45
00:01:48,434 --> 00:01:50,432
where we might get shot.
46
00:01:50,433 --> 00:01:53,399
I am so excited
to see my baby again.
47
00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:54,424
Me too.
48
00:01:54,425 --> 00:01:55,444
In the Lifetime movie version,
49
00:01:55,445 --> 00:01:56,454
we get there
and Chestnut likes
50
00:01:56,455 --> 00:01:59,445
his new home better
and then we cry.
51
00:01:59,446 --> 00:02:01,407
Excuse me, Hi.
52
00:02:01,408 --> 00:02:02,433
Sorry to bother you.
53
00:02:02,434 --> 00:02:04,495
I'm Rhya,
I'm a little embarrassed.
54
00:02:04,496 --> 00:02:06,407
I just got my period.
55
00:02:06,408 --> 00:02:09,474
Mazel tov.
56
00:02:09,475 --> 00:02:11,416
Do either of you
have a tampon?
57
00:02:11,417 --> 00:02:12,453
Not me.
58
00:02:12,454 --> 00:02:13,492
I just go off into
the woods and don't come out
59
00:02:13,493 --> 00:02:15,491
until it's over.
60
00:02:15,492 --> 00:02:18,403
I have one.
61
00:02:18,404 --> 00:02:19,425
I'm so sorry
to bother you guys.
62
00:02:19,426 --> 00:02:23,399
No problem, "Sisterhood of
the Traveling Panty Shields"
63
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:24,481
Actually, no,
I don't have one.
64
00:02:24,482 --> 00:02:26,427
Here's a quarter,
there's a tampon machine
65
00:02:26,428 --> 00:02:27,488
- in the ladies' room.
- Thanks.
66
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:30,425
Pick up, table six.
67
00:02:30,426 --> 00:02:32,399
I couldn't help overhear.
68
00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:34,400
I have tampon.
69
00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:41,407
Oleg, why do you
have a tampon?
70
00:02:41,408 --> 00:02:44,399
Same reason I carry a lighter,
even though I don't smoke.
71
00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:47,420
Feels good to be the hero.
72
00:02:47,421 --> 00:02:49,478
Sorry, again, but do you
have any more change?
73
00:02:49,479 --> 00:02:51,403
It's 75 cents.
74
00:02:51,404 --> 00:02:52,402
It's a quarter.
75
00:02:52,403 --> 00:02:53,488
75.
Says so on the machine.
76
00:02:53,489 --> 00:02:57,488
It better not or I'm about
to rage against the machine.
77
00:03:01,496 --> 00:03:05,411
What?
78
00:03:05,412 --> 00:03:08,407
Han, I need to see you
in here now.
79
00:03:08,408 --> 00:03:09,475
But that is the ladies' room.
80
00:03:09,476 --> 00:03:10,473
You're fine.
81
00:03:10,474 --> 00:03:11,475
Women bring their little boys
82
00:03:11,476 --> 00:03:15,453
in here all the time.
83
00:03:15,454 --> 00:03:18,403
Everybody decent?
84
00:03:18,404 --> 00:03:19,448
Man in the ladies' room.
85
00:03:19,449 --> 00:03:21,444
I apologize for
personal intrusion.
86
00:03:21,445 --> 00:03:22,483
You don't have to
cover your eyes.
87
00:03:22,484 --> 00:03:24,495
It's a ladies' room,
not a solar eclipse.
88
00:03:24,496 --> 00:03:26,457
Max, why do you want
to see me
89
00:03:26,458 --> 00:03:28,419
in this inappropriate
meeting place?
90
00:03:28,420 --> 00:03:29,496
This is why.
The tampon machine.
91
00:03:29,497 --> 00:03:32,424
Oh, this is not man topic.
92
00:03:32,425 --> 00:03:34,424
I do not wish to discuss
time of the month
93
00:03:34,425 --> 00:03:37,428
when ladies must chase
the cotton mouse.
94
00:03:37,429 --> 00:03:39,420
Chase the cotton mouse?
95
00:03:39,421 --> 00:03:41,406
Geeze, where'd you get
your sex education?
96
00:03:41,407 --> 00:03:42,477
Lambchop's playalong?
97
00:03:42,478 --> 00:03:44,458
Han, you changed
the price of tampons?
98
00:03:44,459 --> 00:03:46,458
Yes, this is not
appropriate talk.
99
00:03:46,459 --> 00:03:48,470
No, this is not
appropriate action.
100
00:03:48,471 --> 00:03:49,488
They've been
a quarter forever.
101
00:03:49,489 --> 00:03:51,420
Look how old
this machine is.
102
00:03:51,421 --> 00:03:53,478
Harriet Tubman used
to get her tampons here.
103
00:03:53,479 --> 00:03:55,432
I'm a businessman.
104
00:03:55,433 --> 00:03:56,471
Emphasis on the man.
105
00:03:56,472 --> 00:03:58,420
I do not belong in here.
106
00:03:58,421 --> 00:03:59,449
Hey, hey!
107
00:03:59,450 --> 00:04:03,411
Don't make me chase you,
you little khaki mouse.
108
00:04:03,412 --> 00:04:05,444
Look, han, everyone knows
there are certain things
109
00:04:05,445 --> 00:04:06,465
that people need
in an emergency
110
00:04:06,466 --> 00:04:08,423
that you never raise
the price on.
111
00:04:08,424 --> 00:04:09,436
Things like what?
112
00:04:09,437 --> 00:04:10,450
Off the top of my head,
113
00:04:10,451 --> 00:04:13,495
tampons and 40-ounce beers.
114
00:04:13,496 --> 00:04:15,478
Max, why are you so upset?
115
00:04:15,479 --> 00:04:17,424
It is only
two more quarters.
116
00:04:17,425 --> 00:04:19,487
Han, that's
a 200% price hike.
117
00:04:19,488 --> 00:04:21,407
That's outrageous.
118
00:04:21,408 --> 00:04:22,431
You're taking
advantage of women.
119
00:04:22,432 --> 00:04:24,415
If men were the ones
who got periods,
120
00:04:24,416 --> 00:04:25,462
tampons would be
thrown free
121
00:04:25,463 --> 00:04:28,416
from floats
like Mardi Gras beads.
122
00:04:28,417 --> 00:04:30,428
I went to
Mardi Gras once--I was 11.
123
00:04:30,429 --> 00:04:31,492
My mom and her new boyfriend
wanted to go,
124
00:04:31,493 --> 00:04:35,411
and they needed
a designated driver.
125
00:04:35,412 --> 00:04:37,411
Earl, I need a man's opinion.
126
00:04:37,412 --> 00:04:39,407
Is it my right
to raise the price
127
00:04:39,408 --> 00:04:40,465
of any product in my diner?
128
00:04:40,466 --> 00:04:41,496
What product
are we talking about?
129
00:04:41,497 --> 00:04:43,403
Tampons.
130
00:04:43,404 --> 00:04:45,457
Oh, brother.
131
00:04:45,458 --> 00:04:48,482
Uh, you gotta just
relax and butt out.
132
00:04:48,483 --> 00:04:49,491
Trust me.
133
00:04:49,492 --> 00:04:52,403
I been in this
situation a long time.
134
00:04:52,404 --> 00:04:53,425
Remember Aunt Flo?
135
00:04:53,426 --> 00:04:56,441
That was my aunt.
136
00:04:56,442 --> 00:04:58,402
Han, just because
you can take advantage
137
00:04:58,403 --> 00:05:00,408
of a business situation,
doesn't mean you should.
138
00:05:00,409 --> 00:05:02,407
It is law of
supply and demand.
139
00:05:02,408 --> 00:05:05,407
Fine, then I demand you roll
back the price on the supply.
140
00:05:05,408 --> 00:05:07,411
Come on han,
don't be so 1% about it.
141
00:05:07,412 --> 00:05:08,492
You think occupy Wall Street
was a big deal?
142
00:05:08,493 --> 00:05:12,407
Wait till you see occupy tampon.
143
00:05:12,408 --> 00:05:13,492
We only protest once a month,
144
00:05:13,493 --> 00:05:16,492
but it's an intense
five to seven days.
145
00:05:21,133 --> 00:05:22,156
Got it.
Found the milk.
146
00:05:22,157 --> 00:05:24,138
And I found it even faster
than the butter.
147
00:05:24,139 --> 00:05:27,107
You know they're
not hiding it from you.
148
00:05:27,108 --> 00:05:29,196
It's a grocery store,
not a sorority scavenger hunt.
149
00:05:29,197 --> 00:05:32,132
Grocery shopping
is so fun.
150
00:05:32,133 --> 00:05:33,167
When I was little,
I always wondered
151
00:05:33,168 --> 00:05:36,167
where this stuff came from.
152
00:05:39,146 --> 00:05:40,182
What's that?
153
00:05:40,183 --> 00:05:41,183
Birthday card for my mom.
154
00:05:41,184 --> 00:05:45,116
Aww, let me see.
155
00:05:45,117 --> 00:05:46,136
"Get better soon"?
156
00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:47,194
I thought you said
it was a birthday card.
157
00:05:47,195 --> 00:05:49,158
It is, that's the
only one that seemed
158
00:05:49,159 --> 00:05:51,161
appropriate for
our relationship.
159
00:05:51,162 --> 00:05:53,117
Do you really
want your mom to get
160
00:05:53,118 --> 00:05:55,149
a get well card
on her birthday?
161
00:05:55,150 --> 00:05:57,179
Okay... here's one with
a strawberry, that's fine.
162
00:05:57,180 --> 00:06:01,099
It's really about
the 50 bucks inside anyway.
163
00:06:01,100 --> 00:06:02,133
That makes me sad.
164
00:06:02,134 --> 00:06:06,141
Sad?
I can fix that.
165
00:06:06,142 --> 00:06:08,112
Have a treat,
it'll perk you right back up.
166
00:06:08,113 --> 00:06:10,166
Max, you just stabbed
a bag of candy.
167
00:06:10,167 --> 00:06:11,179
That's okay, they'll
just think a gang
168
00:06:11,180 --> 00:06:13,182
came through and did it.
169
00:06:13,183 --> 00:06:14,188
A candy gang?
170
00:06:14,189 --> 00:06:18,161
What,
like the sour patch kids?
171
00:06:18,162 --> 00:06:20,182
Just step away and pretend
you didn't do it.
172
00:06:20,183 --> 00:06:24,124
That's what you do.
173
00:06:24,125 --> 00:06:25,194
We just need
to grab ten boxes
174
00:06:25,195 --> 00:06:27,160
of Duncan Hines cake mix
and we're done.
175
00:06:27,161 --> 00:06:28,192
Why would
we need to do that?
176
00:06:28,193 --> 00:06:31,103
Why do you think?
To make the cupcakes.
177
00:06:31,104 --> 00:06:33,145
I thought the cupcakes
were homemade.
178
00:06:33,146 --> 00:06:37,161
They are,
I make them in my home.
179
00:06:37,162 --> 00:06:40,132
You've been using
a boxed cake mix?
180
00:06:40,133 --> 00:06:42,149
Relax, I only use it
when I'm tired.
181
00:06:42,150 --> 00:06:44,160
And I add a secret ingredient
of my own to the mix
182
00:06:44,161 --> 00:06:45,179
that makes them irresistible.
183
00:06:45,180 --> 00:06:48,157
So you have no shame
using the store-bought mix?
184
00:06:48,158 --> 00:06:52,099
I've no shame about anything.
Shame is overrated like Ke$ha.
185
00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:56,107
In fact, they should rename
shame "keshame"
186
00:06:56,108 --> 00:07:02,178
I just bought a Ke$ha album,
I'm so keshamed.
187
00:07:02,179 --> 00:07:04,152
Shouldn't there be
someone to do this for us?
188
00:07:04,153 --> 00:07:05,156
Oh, he's probably in the aisle
189
00:07:05,157 --> 00:07:06,179
cleaning up after
the candy gang.
190
00:07:06,180 --> 00:07:09,107
There was no candy gang
in here tonight.
191
00:07:09,108 --> 00:07:13,195
That was a sneaky customer,
now wasn't it?
192
00:07:13,196 --> 00:07:15,103
Hey, look.
193
00:07:15,104 --> 00:07:17,099
For Chestnut, I can't wait.
194
00:07:17,100 --> 00:07:18,183
I got him the kind with tops
on them, like Bugs Bunny.
195
00:07:18,184 --> 00:07:21,120
He'll be so excited when he
sees the two of us tomorrow.
196
00:07:21,121 --> 00:07:22,141
I know.
197
00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:25,116
I was talking about
me and the carrots.
198
00:07:25,117 --> 00:07:28,195
All right now,
your total is $70.49.
199
00:07:28,196 --> 00:07:30,191
Wow, that seems like a lot.
200
00:07:30,192 --> 00:07:34,099
I don't make the prices,
now do I?
201
00:07:34,100 --> 00:07:36,157
No, I was just commenting.
202
00:07:36,158 --> 00:07:41,132
Well, it's not CNN,
now is it?
203
00:07:41,133 --> 00:07:44,161
- Here, give her the coupons.
- The coupons?
204
00:07:44,162 --> 00:07:46,116
Yeah, here.
205
00:07:46,117 --> 00:07:49,128
Max, you use coupons?
206
00:07:49,129 --> 00:07:51,170
I had no idea.
207
00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:56,157
You're looking at me like
I'm on To Catch a Predator.
208
00:07:56,158 --> 00:07:59,103
We don't need to use those,
I have my tip money right here.
209
00:07:59,104 --> 00:08:01,128
What are you talking about,
I have coupons.
210
00:08:01,129 --> 00:08:03,129
Here, take them.
211
00:08:06,179 --> 00:08:08,157
I-I have--
212
00:08:08,158 --> 00:08:10,107
I can't, I don't want to.
213
00:08:10,108 --> 00:08:11,188
I've fallen so far,
I can't fall any further.
214
00:08:11,189 --> 00:08:14,116
Don't make me.
215
00:08:14,117 --> 00:08:17,145
There's no need to go
down a keshame spiral.
216
00:08:17,146 --> 00:08:18,192
Hi, she has coupons.
217
00:08:18,193 --> 00:08:21,124
Oh, now you tell me
you have coupons?
218
00:08:21,125 --> 00:08:23,170
Should have told me before,
now shouldn't ya?
219
00:08:23,171 --> 00:08:25,178
I didn't wanna tell you
at all, she made me.
220
00:08:25,179 --> 00:08:28,187
Now didn't ya?
221
00:08:28,188 --> 00:08:30,191
Look, it's not a big deal.
222
00:08:30,192 --> 00:08:31,188
Lots of people use coupons.
223
00:08:31,189 --> 00:08:33,120
Coupons are for--
224
00:08:33,121 --> 00:08:34,192
Poor people, yes.
225
00:08:34,193 --> 00:08:35,190
Like us.
226
00:08:35,191 --> 00:08:37,102
People who stand
at the cash register
227
00:08:37,103 --> 00:08:38,146
and say things like,
228
00:08:38,147 --> 00:08:41,120
"Wow, $70?
That seems like a lot."
229
00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:44,166
Your new total is $12.70
230
00:08:44,167 --> 00:08:47,157
wait, it just went
from $70 to $12?
231
00:08:47,158 --> 00:08:48,162
Just like that?
232
00:08:48,163 --> 00:08:50,153
The same food for less money?
233
00:08:50,154 --> 00:08:52,161
The exact same food?
234
00:08:52,162 --> 00:08:54,099
How is that even possible?
235
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:57,174
You used coupons,
now didn't ya.
236
00:08:57,175 --> 00:09:00,175
Max, coupons are genius.
237
00:09:04,696 --> 00:09:06,657
I'm late, I know.
238
00:09:06,658 --> 00:09:08,606
I just got a text
from Chestnut.
239
00:09:08,607 --> 00:09:09,608
"Where are you?
240
00:09:09,609 --> 00:09:11,607
I'm wearing my best suit."
241
00:09:11,608 --> 00:09:13,696
He spelled suit with a four, but
that's pretty good for a horse.
242
00:09:13,697 --> 00:09:15,691
I have a good reason.
243
00:09:15,692 --> 00:09:18,620
15 chicken pot pies.
244
00:09:18,621 --> 00:09:20,620
Regular price: $1.47.
245
00:09:20,621 --> 00:09:21,696
Coupon price: Free!
246
00:09:21,697 --> 00:09:23,666
'Cause I bought 15
and used
247
00:09:23,667 --> 00:09:25,619
the double coupon
in-store sale combo.
248
00:09:25,620 --> 00:09:27,615
Listen to me with
the lingo already.
249
00:09:27,616 --> 00:09:29,688
Reminds me of my first day
interning on Wall Street.
250
00:09:29,689 --> 00:09:31,682
Chicken pot pies?
251
00:09:31,683 --> 00:09:33,657
You don't even like them.
252
00:09:33,658 --> 00:09:35,598
What does it matter
if I like them or not?
253
00:09:35,599 --> 00:09:36,598
They were free.
254
00:09:36,599 --> 00:09:37,598
It's free money.
255
00:09:37,599 --> 00:09:38,610
Who doesn't like free money?
256
00:09:38,611 --> 00:09:39,640
I don't know
about free money,
257
00:09:39,641 --> 00:09:40,654
but this is like
watching someone
258
00:09:40,655 --> 00:09:43,620
free base for the first time.
259
00:09:43,621 --> 00:09:44,656
Chestnut's fine.
260
00:09:44,657 --> 00:09:45,696
It's not a big deal.
261
00:09:45,697 --> 00:09:48,695
Ooh, oh, I just got
another text from Chestnut.
262
00:09:48,696 --> 00:09:52,628
"I'm so lonely,
I just tried smoking."
263
00:09:52,629 --> 00:09:53,696
We can go tomorrow.
264
00:09:53,697 --> 00:09:55,657
In the Lifetime
movie version,
265
00:09:55,658 --> 00:09:57,662
we just missed the day we
were appointed by the court,
266
00:09:57,663 --> 00:10:00,599
and Chestnut's new parents
move him out of town.
267
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:01,691
And we cry.
268
00:10:01,692 --> 00:10:03,695
I get it, it's just that
after last night,
269
00:10:03,696 --> 00:10:06,645
I woke up fascinated by
the concept of coupons.
270
00:10:06,646 --> 00:10:07,683
So I did some research.
271
00:10:07,684 --> 00:10:09,599
I found this woman online
272
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:11,661
who calls herself
the Williamsburg Coupon Queen.
273
00:10:11,662 --> 00:10:13,611
Only she calls them
"cue-pons."
274
00:10:13,612 --> 00:10:14,665
Is that the correct way
to pronounce it?
275
00:10:14,666 --> 00:10:15,683
Eh, I'm gonna go with her way
276
00:10:15,684 --> 00:10:19,611
after all, she is the queen.
277
00:10:19,612 --> 00:10:20,667
Canned pumpkin?
278
00:10:20,668 --> 00:10:23,674
Ten cans, double coupon,
five cents each.
279
00:10:23,675 --> 00:10:25,662
Great, 'cause I'm always lying
in bed at night
280
00:10:25,663 --> 00:10:28,628
thinking I wish I could crack
open a can of pumpkin.
281
00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:31,599
Oh, and I found a coupon
for you to send your mom an
282
00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:32,654
edible arrangement
for her birthday.
283
00:10:32,655 --> 00:10:36,653
A pretty pineapple daisy says so
much more than cash in a card.
284
00:10:36,654 --> 00:10:40,599
And it's for 40% off
the regular price.
285
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:43,691
That's perfect because my mom
was 40% off a regular mom.
286
00:10:43,692 --> 00:10:46,695
And Max, I do have something
else for you in this bag.
287
00:10:46,696 --> 00:10:49,632
Something that'll
make you very happy.
288
00:10:49,633 --> 00:10:52,624
Canned yams for when I get
tired of canned pumpkin?
289
00:10:52,625 --> 00:10:56,695
Better, look.
290
00:10:56,696 --> 00:10:58,695
Look out, Han Lee.
291
00:10:58,696 --> 00:11:01,696
I'm about to get my tamp on.
292
00:11:06,650 --> 00:11:08,695
Well well, if it isn't
everything that's wrong
293
00:11:08,696 --> 00:11:12,696
with the current economy,
in a boys' v-neck sweater.
294
00:11:14,683 --> 00:11:16,691
Oh, what do you
think you are doing?
295
00:11:16,692 --> 00:11:20,692
Oh, just putting straws
in the container...
296
00:11:22,633 --> 00:11:26,678
in case, uh...
297
00:11:26,679 --> 00:11:29,607
Just in case a woman might
suddenly need a straw
298
00:11:29,608 --> 00:11:31,632
and not have 75 cents.
299
00:11:31,633 --> 00:11:32,696
Those are not straws.
300
00:11:32,697 --> 00:11:34,649
They do not belong in public.
301
00:11:34,650 --> 00:11:36,607
Didn't your mother
ever teach you
302
00:11:36,608 --> 00:11:39,678
that is secret, no-no
private lady thing?
303
00:11:39,679 --> 00:11:41,687
You can't even say the name.
304
00:11:41,688 --> 00:11:43,642
Come on Wall Street,
if you can sell it,
305
00:11:43,643 --> 00:11:46,653
you should be able to bring
yourself to say it.
306
00:11:46,654 --> 00:11:48,599
I will never speak of it.
307
00:11:49,608 --> 00:11:51,616
Just say it.
Tampon, tampon, tampon.
308
00:11:51,617 --> 00:11:53,616
What's the big deal?
309
00:11:53,617 --> 00:11:55,678
In Ukraine, there are
pop songs about it.
310
00:11:55,679 --> 00:11:57,695
She's so pretty,
she's so grouchy.
311
00:12:07,638 --> 00:12:09,631
That is inappropriate
counter display.
312
00:12:09,632 --> 00:12:10,636
You take it down.
313
00:12:10,637 --> 00:12:11,688
You take down
the price and I will.
314
00:12:11,689 --> 00:12:13,637
No, it is free market.
315
00:12:13,638 --> 00:12:14,638
I charge what I want.
316
00:12:14,639 --> 00:12:16,661
I am the boss.
317
00:12:16,662 --> 00:12:19,682
Max, someone left a stack of
newspapers filled with cue-pons,
318
00:12:19,683 --> 00:12:22,649
and look, a double
for Duncan Hines.
319
00:12:22,650 --> 00:12:23,692
Could this day get
any better?
320
00:12:23,693 --> 00:12:26,620
Oh, and tables four, seven and
eight want their checks.
321
00:12:26,621 --> 00:12:27,620
Okay.
322
00:12:27,621 --> 00:12:30,621
Have 'em ready right here.
323
00:12:33,646 --> 00:12:36,628
Max, no, that is private!
324
00:12:36,629 --> 00:12:37,673
Here's your check.
325
00:12:37,674 --> 00:12:38,696
And a little something extra,
326
00:12:38,697 --> 00:12:42,678
compliments of women without
three quarters everywhere.
327
00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:44,649
Thank you very much.
328
00:12:44,650 --> 00:12:45,658
I don't know
about your flow,
329
00:12:45,659 --> 00:12:48,658
so I gave you a regular
and a super.
330
00:12:55,617 --> 00:12:56,692
Max, have you no shame?
331
00:12:56,693 --> 00:12:57,682
Nope.
332
00:12:57,683 --> 00:12:59,687
Ladies, at that
time of the month,
333
00:12:59,688 --> 00:13:01,621
I invite
you to think of this man.
334
00:13:01,622 --> 00:13:03,649
This man, Han Lee,
right over here.
335
00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:07,650
The man who thinks your menses
should be more expenses.
336
00:13:09,654 --> 00:13:10,696
Okay, okay,
I will lower the price
337
00:13:10,697 --> 00:13:12,616
back to a quarter.
338
00:13:12,617 --> 00:13:14,657
And that is end
of discussion, period.
339
00:13:14,658 --> 00:13:17,678
Oh.
340
00:13:17,679 --> 00:13:21,679
Tampons for everyone.
341
00:13:23,621 --> 00:13:27,621
Max, you are the Norma Rae
of feminine hygiene.
342
00:13:43,388 --> 00:13:45,366
It's so windy.
343
00:13:45,367 --> 00:13:48,370
Choosing coupon shopping over
going to see your son again?
344
00:13:48,371 --> 00:13:50,341
That's a keshame.
345
00:13:50,342 --> 00:13:51,365
In the Lifetime
movie version,
346
00:13:51,366 --> 00:13:53,377
this is where they take
you away as an unfit mother.
347
00:13:53,378 --> 00:13:54,379
And I don't cry.
348
00:13:54,380 --> 00:13:56,341
I'm sorry, but I just saw
349
00:13:56,342 --> 00:13:58,357
that all these cake mix cue-pons
expire today.
350
00:13:58,358 --> 00:13:59,365
I'll be real quick.
351
00:13:59,366 --> 00:14:00,386
Ten minutes, in and out.
352
00:14:00,387 --> 00:14:02,331
If I had a cue-pon
for every time
353
00:14:02,332 --> 00:14:03,340
I heard that from a guy.
354
00:14:03,341 --> 00:14:05,319
Here, start going
through these papers
355
00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:07,300
and look for
the cake mix double cue-pon.
356
00:14:07,301 --> 00:14:09,324
If I combine these
with the in-store bonus,
357
00:14:09,325 --> 00:14:12,299
not only will we get
the lower cue-pon mix price,
358
00:14:12,300 --> 00:14:15,311
but they will actually
give us $23 back!
359
00:14:16,358 --> 00:14:19,353
I'll give you $24
to stop saying cue-pon.
360
00:14:19,354 --> 00:14:22,324
Come on, start pulling out
the ones for the cake mix.
361
00:14:22,325 --> 00:14:27,357
It'll be a breeze.
362
00:14:27,358 --> 00:14:29,320
No, that was a breeze.
363
00:14:29,321 --> 00:14:31,328
My cue-pons!
364
00:14:31,329 --> 00:14:33,358
The fact that you're more
worried about your coupons
365
00:14:33,359 --> 00:14:37,358
than your hair
shows how far you've fallen.
366
00:14:41,308 --> 00:14:42,362
Oh, my God,
I can't believe it.
367
00:14:42,363 --> 00:14:45,324
Max, it's the Williamsburg
cue-pon queen.
368
00:14:45,325 --> 00:14:47,328
Where'd she leave her crown,
in the minivan?
369
00:14:47,329 --> 00:14:49,377
This is so exciting.
I have to go pay my respects.
370
00:14:49,378 --> 00:14:50,386
We don't have
time for this.
371
00:14:50,387 --> 00:14:52,329
Just throw the cake mix
into the cart
372
00:14:52,330 --> 00:14:56,341
or we'll miss the train.
373
00:14:56,342 --> 00:14:58,332
There, calm down,
have a treat.
374
00:14:58,333 --> 00:15:01,311
I'll be right back.
375
00:15:01,312 --> 00:15:02,388
Excuse me, your highness,
376
00:15:02,389 --> 00:15:04,387
but aren't you
the cue-pon queen?
377
00:15:04,388 --> 00:15:05,387
Mm-hmm.
378
00:15:05,388 --> 00:15:07,349
I'm Caroline.
379
00:15:07,350 --> 00:15:08,383
Freddie, and I can't
talk right now
380
00:15:08,384 --> 00:15:10,332
because if I lose my place--
381
00:15:10,333 --> 00:15:11,379
- you'll lose your mind!
- I'm gonna lose... my... mind...
382
00:15:11,380 --> 00:15:14,311
I know.
You say that on your show.
383
00:15:14,312 --> 00:15:16,348
I won't bother you,
but I think you'll be excited
384
00:15:16,349 --> 00:15:17,346
when I tell you that
it's only my second day
385
00:15:17,347 --> 00:15:19,332
and I already learned
386
00:15:19,333 --> 00:15:21,302
how to make money
on the purchase of cake mix.
387
00:15:21,303 --> 00:15:23,312
All I have to do is buy 40 boxes
and we get the--
388
00:15:23,313 --> 00:15:25,345
Store bonus, yeah.
389
00:15:25,346 --> 00:15:30,337
Cake mix...
That's a rare cue-pon.
390
00:15:30,338 --> 00:15:31,336
Where'd you find it?
391
00:15:31,337 --> 00:15:32,348
Yesterday's circulars.
392
00:15:32,349 --> 00:15:33,350
Didn't you see it?
393
00:15:33,351 --> 00:15:35,345
I missed it.
394
00:15:35,346 --> 00:15:40,349
Go to the truck and get the
stockpile of circulars.
395
00:15:40,350 --> 00:15:42,387
Look at him go.
396
00:15:42,388 --> 00:15:45,316
You're sweeping
the shelves.
397
00:15:45,317 --> 00:15:47,383
On your show, you said sweeping
the shelves was out of line.
398
00:15:47,384 --> 00:15:49,382
Max!
399
00:15:49,383 --> 00:15:51,357
These are mine,
I was here first.
400
00:15:51,358 --> 00:15:53,357
I think she's probably
gonna be here last,
401
00:15:53,358 --> 00:15:55,299
so let's go,
we don't need these.
402
00:15:55,300 --> 00:15:56,356
We do, if we
don't get 40 boxes,
403
00:15:56,357 --> 00:15:57,396
they won't be free.
404
00:15:57,397 --> 00:16:00,396
I've met actual queens and
this isn't royal behavior.
405
00:16:03,354 --> 00:16:07,299
Max, she just body-checked me.
406
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:09,388
Push me again and I will report
you to the American embassy.
407
00:16:09,389 --> 00:16:12,388
Max, get in here.
408
00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:19,324
Oh, we got a problem?
409
00:16:19,325 --> 00:16:21,378
Oh, we got a problem.
410
00:16:21,379 --> 00:16:24,379
Oh, hell no!
411
00:16:31,396 --> 00:16:33,328
What do we do?
412
00:16:33,329 --> 00:16:35,337
You step away
and pretend you didn't do it.
413
00:16:35,338 --> 00:16:39,307
That's what you do.
414
00:16:39,308 --> 00:16:40,337
24, 25--
415
00:16:40,338 --> 00:16:42,353
You're making me wait,
now aren't ya?
416
00:16:42,354 --> 00:16:43,338
Just till I get to 40.
417
00:16:44,362 --> 00:16:46,337
26, 27, 28.
418
00:16:46,338 --> 00:16:49,324
Come on,
I'll buy it for you.
419
00:16:49,325 --> 00:16:50,358
Come on, take up
the bitch on his offer
420
00:16:50,359 --> 00:16:52,324
and let's go see Chestnut.
421
00:16:52,325 --> 00:16:53,356
Max, shh, I'm counting.
422
00:16:53,357 --> 00:16:55,392
If we don't have the exact
right mix-to-coupon ratio
423
00:16:55,393 --> 00:16:57,349
we won't get our free money.
424
00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:58,383
Okay, where was I?
425
00:16:58,384 --> 00:17:00,328
Amateur.
426
00:17:00,329 --> 00:17:01,396
Real mature, your highness.
427
00:17:01,397 --> 00:17:04,311
We have places to go.
428
00:17:04,312 --> 00:17:05,311
Okay, 40.
429
00:17:05,312 --> 00:17:07,320
Take it away, Tanya.
430
00:17:07,321 --> 00:17:08,348
Wait, what is this?
431
00:17:08,349 --> 00:17:10,336
This isn't Duncan Hines,
it's Pillsbury.
432
00:17:10,337 --> 00:17:11,338
Where did this come from?
433
00:17:11,339 --> 00:17:12,336
I put it in.
434
00:17:12,337 --> 00:17:13,342
You can't do that.
435
00:17:13,343 --> 00:17:15,324
It has to be all Duncan Hines.
436
00:17:15,325 --> 00:17:16,336
I needed Pillsbury.
437
00:17:16,337 --> 00:17:17,336
Well, you can't have it.
438
00:17:17,337 --> 00:17:18,336
- I need it!
- Why?
439
00:17:18,337 --> 00:17:19,371
- I need it!
- Why?
440
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:22,324
That's the secret ingredient.
441
00:17:22,325 --> 00:17:24,345
I throw a spoon of Pillsbury
442
00:17:24,346 --> 00:17:25,388
in the Duncan Hines.
443
00:17:25,389 --> 00:17:27,311
Pillsbury?
444
00:17:27,312 --> 00:17:28,338
That's what makes it you?
445
00:17:28,339 --> 00:17:31,353
That's what makes
it more delicious.
446
00:17:31,354 --> 00:17:33,328
Tanya, stop,
flag on the play.
447
00:17:33,329 --> 00:17:34,386
Here, take this back
448
00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:35,390
and get me another.
449
00:17:35,391 --> 00:17:37,302
You know what,
I'm just gonna go
450
00:17:37,303 --> 00:17:38,336
see Chestnut while
I still have time.
451
00:17:38,337 --> 00:17:40,310
No, Max, please take this back
and get me another one.
452
00:17:40,311 --> 00:17:41,346
You're the one
who wanted to use
453
00:17:41,347 --> 00:17:44,307
the store-bought mix instead
of making your own from scratch.
454
00:17:44,308 --> 00:17:45,388
So go back and
get me another mix.
455
00:17:45,389 --> 00:17:48,316
I used the mix because
I don't know how to make my own.
456
00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:49,319
No one ever taught me.
457
00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:50,356
No one taught me how to bake.
458
00:17:50,357 --> 00:17:52,315
No one taught me
how to use tampons.
459
00:17:52,316 --> 00:17:53,346
No one taught me anything.
460
00:17:53,347 --> 00:17:56,299
You still think I should
send my mom a better gift?
461
00:17:56,300 --> 00:18:00,307
And no one taught you
how to check out, either.
462
00:18:00,308 --> 00:18:02,316
I'm going.
463
00:18:02,317 --> 00:18:03,349
Max.
464
00:18:03,350 --> 00:18:05,336
You need to get another mix,
now don't ya?
465
00:18:05,337 --> 00:18:07,321
I'll go get it,
won't take a minute.
466
00:18:08,358 --> 00:18:12,358
Who's the queen now?
467
00:18:15,358 --> 00:18:17,324
Hey, my dude.
468
00:18:17,325 --> 00:18:19,391
Look at you
and your fancy coat.
469
00:18:19,392 --> 00:18:22,374
Retirement looks good on you.
470
00:18:22,375 --> 00:18:24,341
Told you I'd come by
to see you.
471
00:18:24,342 --> 00:18:25,396
Hooked you up
with some carrots.
472
00:18:25,397 --> 00:18:30,353
Bugs Bunny status,
like I know you like.
473
00:18:30,354 --> 00:18:32,391
I, uh, I don't know
if you got my text.
474
00:18:32,392 --> 00:18:36,324
Probably not a great
signal in here, but...
475
00:18:36,325 --> 00:18:37,383
your mom might
be a little late.
476
00:18:37,384 --> 00:18:41,370
She's coming though 'cause I
know she's dying to see you.
477
00:18:41,371 --> 00:18:42,379
All right, man,
who am I kidding?
478
00:18:42,380 --> 00:18:45,341
She's not coming.
479
00:18:45,342 --> 00:18:46,346
I know that's hard to hear,
480
00:18:46,347 --> 00:18:48,353
and trust me,
mothers not showing up,
481
00:18:48,354 --> 00:18:49,354
I've been there.
482
00:18:49,355 --> 00:18:51,378
But, I know wherever she is,
483
00:18:51,379 --> 00:18:54,332
she is
thinking of you.
484
00:18:54,333 --> 00:18:55,338
Okay, that's not true either.
485
00:18:55,339 --> 00:18:57,349
Here's the thing.
486
00:18:57,350 --> 00:18:59,299
Your mom is a flake.
487
00:18:59,300 --> 00:19:00,325
And you got two options,
488
00:19:00,326 --> 00:19:02,349
you can sit around
feeling sorry for yourself
489
00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:05,299
or you can say,
"hey, my mom's not here.
490
00:19:05,300 --> 00:19:07,357
"I can watch tv all day
and then go kick in
491
00:19:07,358 --> 00:19:10,345
a neighbor's window
because I feel like it."
492
00:19:10,346 --> 00:19:11,357
Hey.
493
00:19:11,358 --> 00:19:13,299
Hey, look at me.
494
00:19:13,300 --> 00:19:15,341
The fact that she's
not here is not your fault.
495
00:19:15,342 --> 00:19:17,349
It's hers.
496
00:19:17,350 --> 00:19:18,371
There, I just saved you, like,
497
00:19:18,372 --> 00:19:21,371
14 inappropriate
sexual encounters.
498
00:19:24,300 --> 00:19:25,299
Hi.
499
00:19:25,300 --> 00:19:26,366
Hey.
500
00:19:26,367 --> 00:19:28,374
Hi, Chestnut!
501
00:19:28,375 --> 00:19:30,345
Hi, baby.
502
00:19:30,346 --> 00:19:32,307
Aw...
503
00:19:32,308 --> 00:19:33,349
I missed you.
504
00:19:33,350 --> 00:19:35,307
I missed you so much.
505
00:19:35,308 --> 00:19:36,367
Did you miss me?
506
00:19:36,368 --> 00:19:38,320
So you got
all the cake mix?
507
00:19:38,321 --> 00:19:40,361
Yes, plus the $23.
508
00:19:40,362 --> 00:19:42,374
And I got you your
Pillsbury as well.
509
00:19:42,375 --> 00:19:44,345
Paid full price--
it killed me.
510
00:19:44,346 --> 00:19:46,366
You are a freak
with the coupons.
511
00:19:46,367 --> 00:19:47,374
I know.
512
00:19:47,375 --> 00:19:49,349
I don't know
what came over me.
513
00:19:49,350 --> 00:19:51,304
When I found a way
to make free money
514
00:19:51,305 --> 00:19:53,341
I forgot about everyone else.
515
00:19:53,342 --> 00:19:54,370
Oh, my God.
516
00:19:54,371 --> 00:19:56,332
Like my father.
517
00:19:56,333 --> 00:19:58,349
Max, I have Ponzi DNA.
518
00:19:58,350 --> 00:20:02,353
Yeah, cou-Ponzi DNA.
519
00:20:02,354 --> 00:20:04,396
Must have been hard learning
to do everything on your own.
520
00:20:04,397 --> 00:20:07,307
I mean, I don't know how to
do any of that stuff either,
521
00:20:07,308 --> 00:20:08,375
but, I had a staff of 20.
522
00:20:08,376 --> 00:20:12,345
Yeah, I got staph at 20.
523
00:20:12,346 --> 00:20:15,332
You know, you may think
your secret ingredient
524
00:20:15,333 --> 00:20:17,337
is a spoonful of Pillsbury,
525
00:20:17,338 --> 00:20:18,353
but it's not.
526
00:20:18,354 --> 00:20:19,366
It's you.
527
00:20:19,367 --> 00:20:21,319
It's everything
you've been through
528
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:22,346
that makes you who you are.
529
00:20:22,347 --> 00:20:24,382
Someone who fights
for a box of tampons
530
00:20:24,383 --> 00:20:26,357
and fights for
a horse's feelings
531
00:20:26,358 --> 00:20:28,374
and even fights
for a box of cake mix
532
00:20:28,375 --> 00:20:33,303
when a friend in the middle of a
cue-Ponzi panic, asks her to.
533
00:20:33,304 --> 00:20:35,307
This is the part in the
lifetime movie version
534
00:20:35,308 --> 00:20:38,378
where I get up to pee.
535
00:20:38,379 --> 00:20:40,304
I don't know who
you're kidding.
536
00:20:40,305 --> 00:20:42,353
You watch the entire movie
and then you cry.
537
00:20:42,354 --> 00:20:43,375
Listen to her, Chestnut.
538
00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:46,320
She thinks she has me
all figured out.
539
00:20:46,321 --> 00:20:48,342
What she doesn't know is that
when it comes to the cupcakes,
540
00:20:48,343 --> 00:20:51,345
I have another secret,
secret ingredient.
541
00:20:51,346 --> 00:20:53,333
Oh, don't tell me it's
a pinch of Betty Crocker.
542
00:20:53,334 --> 00:20:57,303
I can't tell you.
It's a secret ingredient.
543
00:20:57,304 --> 00:21:00,299
Okay, it's chocolate
methamphetamine.
544
00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:01,307
No, it's true.
545
00:21:01,308 --> 00:21:02,306
Our slogan should be:
546
00:21:02,307 --> 00:21:03,308
They're so good,
547
00:21:03,309 --> 00:21:05,308
you'll rob your grandmother.
548
00:21:05,533 --> 00:21:10,333
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