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Did you fart?
KEVIN: Yeah.
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00:00:07,368 --> 00:00:09,769
(chuckling): Yeah.
You can't do that in here.
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00:00:09,771 --> 00:00:11,514
It's the men's room.
Come on, man.
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00:00:11,645 --> 00:00:14,013
What country are you from?
I'm from America where you
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00:00:14,015 --> 00:00:16,482
can fart almost anywhere you
want.
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You, sir, are an animal.
I'm not an animal!
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I'm a human being.
Humans fart!
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Okay, we fart!
Oh, no.
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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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00:00:30,378 --> 00:00:33,645
If you can't fart in the
bathroom, then where can you fart?
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I was just giving out little
bubbles, little...
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PETE: You know, just 'cause
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you give it a cute little name
doesn't make you any less than
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00:00:39,007 --> 00:00:41,374
of a shit bag, okay?
Well, I have been
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extraordinarily gassy recently.
We know.
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God, this is like a rancid
batch.
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I think I still have Ted's AIDS
cocktail floating around down
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there.
I don't how those guys put up
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with that stuff.
Well, Kevin, the alternative
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is the end of Philadelphia,so...
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Hmm, good point.TACO: Spoiler alert.
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I only saw the first half.I feel like I'm at a
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00:00:56,074 --> 00:00:57,940
MacArthur family reunion.I mean, I realize Ruxin is out
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00:00:57,942 --> 00:00:59,742
of town on business, but wherethe hell is Andre?
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00:00:59,744 --> 00:01:02,164
Have you seen him?Yeah. He's not doing good.
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00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:04,296
Went to his place to shower, andhe didn't even get off the couch
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to cook me breakfast.Do you guys think he blames
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us a little bit for the wholeTrixie situation?
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00:01:09,044 --> 00:01:11,211
Why, because of the bachelordraft thing?
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Can you imagine how you wouldfeel if that whole thing just
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blew up in your face?
I think you mean her face.
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(laughter, Kevin groans)
Okay, this is what I'm
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talking about, okay?
The NFL has a whole bunch of new
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rules for safety this season,
right?
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00:01:21,657 --> 00:01:23,757
Mm-hmm.
Maybe we need to institute a
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few of our own, like no
headhunting, no attacking a
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defenseless receiver.
I an, if there was ever a
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defenseless receiver, it's
Andre.
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00:01:30,065 --> 00:01:32,165
That's not how we were taught
to play the game.
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We were taught, when someone
says something stupid, bam, you
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say something back.
All right, you just take it
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easy, James Harrison.
This is our best friend we're
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talking about.
Fine, I'll do the best I can,
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but on game day, when he comes
walking in in some stupid outfit
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that an Ecuadorean gay man would
dress his dog up in, then I
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don't know what I'm gonna do.
Mm.
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JENNY: Oh, Christopher is
gonna love this school.
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This play yard's amazing.
Although this playground
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looks a little pornographic to
me.
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What?! It's not.
Yeah, look, babe.
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That tube's like a... like a
shaft, and those spheres...
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00:01:58,527 --> 00:02:00,527
Look at-- that girl's playing
with the balls.
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00:02:00,529 --> 00:02:02,529
Stop. Stop doing that.
Look, the-the tube is heading
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00:02:02,531 --> 00:02:04,531
right towards the pink curtain.
No. Stop.
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00:02:04,533 --> 00:02:06,533
Which is obviously the labia
minora.
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00:02:06,535 --> 00:02:08,935
Stop it.
Labia majora.
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Oh, God.
I don't know which one.
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The labia.
Oh, my God, just stop saying
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"labia."
But I'm just saying, you
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00:02:15,444 --> 00:02:17,377
could be, like, "Oh, hey, Timmy,
show me on the playground where
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00:02:17,379 --> 00:02:19,713
the man touched you on the
playground."
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Oh. Oh, my... Oh, my God!
Is that who I think it is?
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00:02:21,483 --> 00:02:23,650
That is Jay and Kristin
Cutler... and the Cutlet.
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Our kid's gonna go to school
with the Cutlet! Yes!
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Our kid is going to go to
school with the Cutlet!
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See? I told you, babe.
You go out to dinner, you get
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drunk, you go home, you have
sloppy unprotected sex, and
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look.
You become best friends with the
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Cutlers.
It all works out. I told you!
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Ooh.
Whoa!
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Not good.
Oh, my gosh.
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He has yet to touch his copy of
Mister magazine.
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Can you smell that?
Not even a hint of CK One in the
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air.
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Jesus.
Hi, Andre.
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So, this is the man cave, huh?
ANDRE: No.
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It's supposed to be the magicman cave.
78
00:03:01,290 --> 00:03:03,657
A place for all the dudes tocome once I was married.
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00:03:03,659 --> 00:03:06,092
Defenseless receiver.Mm-hmm.
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00:03:06,094 --> 00:03:08,461
Defenseless receiver.But now I'm not married,
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and no dudes want to come inmy man cave.
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Hmm.Andre?
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I'm just alone.It's okay.
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I know I wasn't your best man inmarriage.
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(whispering): God help me.But I am prepared to be your
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00:03:20,475 --> 00:03:24,277
best man in bachelorhood, and...What?
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I will make you forget allabout...
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Trixie.How'd you learn that?
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I've been practicing that forthree weeks.
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I couldn't get it.Andre, it took, like, two
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00:03:33,889 --> 00:03:36,289
minutes to learn.No wonder why she left.
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It's not because I made herblind.
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It's because I'm a terriblemagician.
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There are other reasons, too.Yeah, but...
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Man cave was supposed to befull of magic, but now it's just
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a dark, smelly hole.(Taco and Pete sniff)
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Nights were gonna be filled withball juggling.
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I even had a night for blackmagic.
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I wanted to learn the ancientart of sword swallowing.
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All right.Enough, enough. Bye, Andre.
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All in my man cave.Bye, Andre. Sorry.
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No one's coming in my mancave anymore.
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Everyone's just pulling out.How great is this place,
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00:04:01,717 --> 00:04:03,917
guys?I know, it's really nice.
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00:04:03,919 --> 00:04:06,152
Beautiful, absolutely.I love it.
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00:04:06,154 --> 00:04:08,154
Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Oh, my...Oh, that's all right.
107
00:04:08,156 --> 00:04:10,156
So sorry.I-I apologize.
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00:04:10,158 --> 00:04:12,158
Okay, see you guys.Good to see you.
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00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:14,060
It's okay. Okay, bye.Good to see you there.
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00:04:14,062 --> 00:04:16,162
Wow. You look so much likeJay Cutler.
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00:04:16,164 --> 00:04:18,064
I get that all the time.I don't see it, though, really.
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00:04:18,066 --> 00:04:20,166
Weren't we in a baby classtogether?
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Oh, wow.I don't know. I don't. Maybe.
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00:04:22,504 --> 00:04:24,437
I haven't been back.Do you know that somebody
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actually stole a bottle of mybreast milk?
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Unbelievable.No way!
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Yeah.KEVIN AND JENNY: No!
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Oh, it's probably thatRussian mob.
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Whoa!Whoa! Jesu...
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Good God!Holy cow!
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Kid's got a cannon.Probably gets that from his
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mother.Is it just me, or does this
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00:04:40,856 --> 00:04:42,789
playground look like a sex act?You know, I was thinking the
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same thing.I'm, like, "This kid looks like
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he's about to be ejaculatedright out of that thing.
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00:04:46,895 --> 00:04:48,762
He's about to be a money shot."I mean, who puts a pink
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00:04:48,764 --> 00:04:51,197
curtain on a slide?I know.
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00:04:51,199 --> 00:04:53,032
Jungle gym is about to plowthat piece over there.
129
00:04:53,034 --> 00:04:55,135
Yeah.This kid just keeps rubbing
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00:04:55,137 --> 00:04:57,103
these balls like they're gonnado something, you know?
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00:04:57,105 --> 00:04:59,305
Yeah.Hey, it's great meeting you,
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00:04:59,307 --> 00:05:01,574
Kev.It's good to know there's some
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00:05:01,576 --> 00:05:03,610
cool parents here.Kev?
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00:05:03,612 --> 00:05:06,613
This is amazing!The MacArthur-Cutler road trip.
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00:05:06,615 --> 00:05:08,815
No, no, the MacCutlerroad trip.
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00:05:08,817 --> 00:05:11,050
I like that.Every year, Kev.
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00:05:11,052 --> 00:05:13,052
Ah, let's get T-shirts madeup.
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00:05:13,054 --> 00:05:14,954
Jenny, of course.We would be honored to be
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Chalupa Batman's godparents.Thank you so much.
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Hey, Jay, what do you saytonight we pull the old wife
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00:05:18,593 --> 00:05:20,593
switcheroo?I yell "Yahtzee," and we all
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switch rooms?Why not?
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Awesome!Hey, I'm sorry you got to take
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00:05:25,434 --> 00:05:27,801
one for the team.What are you gonna do?
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Oh, oh, I get it. It's okay.Cool, cool.
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So, uh, I'm sure I'll be seeingyou guys around.
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Yeah.That would be great.
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00:05:34,976 --> 00:05:37,410
Later, guys.You, too. So good...
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Bye, guys.See you guys later.
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Bye.Yes! Yes!
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They called me Kev!They called me Kev!
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They said we were cool.I knew these things would
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00:05:46,922 --> 00:05:49,255
start to pay off.
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That's right, I'm gonna be
best friends with Jay Cutler.
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Really?
Yeah. I can't wait to leave
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you shit sippers in the dust.
Well, I'm glad you're having
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00:06:00,478 --> 00:06:02,344
a great time, 'cause there is
one among us, namely Andre, who
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00:06:02,346 --> 00:06:04,513
is doing much worse than we
thought.
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00:06:04,515 --> 00:06:06,715
Ah.
We're gonna have to do
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00:06:06,717 --> 00:06:07,243
something to goose that poor
bastard's spirits.
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00:06:07,483 --> 00:06:09,483
Well, I will not go back to
that spa with him.
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I won't do it.
No, we-we may have to let him
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win.
The season?
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No! Geez, what's wrong with
you? I'm talking one game.
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It's week one.
It doesn't really matter
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long-term.
Okay, who's he playing?
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You know.
Oh.
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00:06:22,665 --> 00:06:24,898
Yeah.
Okay, you good with that
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00:06:24,900 --> 00:06:25,858
Taco?
You good with letting him win?
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00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:27,960
Yeah. I'm cool with it.
It's not up to me, though.
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00:06:27,962 --> 00:06:30,329
It is totally up to you.
It's your team.
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Yeah.
I gave the control of my team
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to this guy who hangs out at the
library.
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He's a war vet.
He has something called, uh,
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PSTD?
You mean PTSD.
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No PSTD-- plenty of STDs.
Taco, why aren't you running
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your team?
I'm supporting the troops.
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And who has time for this
bullshit anyway?
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Should be around here.
He likes to sleep in the
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reference section.
Sure, why not?
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(sniffing)
Yeah, he's here. All right.
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00:06:55,322 --> 00:06:58,690
(snoring)
Okay. There he is.
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Waking him up's a bit of a
process.
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(whispering): Penico.
Penico.
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00:07:03,631 --> 00:07:05,397
I'll take you to Hell with
me, hajji!
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Jesus Christ.
Holster your weapon!
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00:07:07,401 --> 00:07:10,068
Holster your weapon now!
Oh, Christ, sorry. Taco.
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00:07:10,070 --> 00:07:12,070
Hey, buddy.
Hey, how you doing?
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00:07:12,072 --> 00:07:14,072
I need my fantasy football
team back.
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00:07:14,074 --> 00:07:16,074
Oh, so you made your first
billion-- congrats.
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00:07:16,076 --> 00:07:18,410
Mm, not exactly.
The PBIB's still losing a lot of
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00:07:18,412 --> 00:07:20,646
market share-- people just
shaking it off.
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So as per your orders, the
team is still under my command.
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00:07:25,853 --> 00:07:27,853
I'm so glad you guys came over.
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00:07:27,855 --> 00:07:29,688
I know. Me, too.
Thanks for having us.
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00:07:29,690 --> 00:07:31,690
Of course. I'm sorry the
place is such a wreck.
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00:07:31,692 --> 00:07:33,692
Our house is ten times worse.
We're just finishing up
198
00:07:33,694 --> 00:07:35,694
construction.
You are?
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00:07:35,696 --> 00:07:38,397
It's been a real hassle,
especially during the season.
200
00:07:38,399 --> 00:07:41,033
Jay literally cannot focus on
anything but football.
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00:07:41,035 --> 00:07:43,702
Tell me about it.
When Kevin is in the middle of
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00:07:43,704 --> 00:07:46,772
football season, he's just...
gone.
203
00:07:46,774 --> 00:07:49,841
Jay has laser focus.
I mean, he pushes his body to
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00:07:49,843 --> 00:07:52,077
the limit.
Kevin, too.
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00:07:52,079 --> 00:07:55,180
When he is setting his lineup,
he will lock himself away in the
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00:07:55,182 --> 00:07:58,283
bathroom for hours.
Laser focused.
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00:07:58,285 --> 00:08:01,553
Yeah. Yep.
Surprise!
208
00:08:01,555 --> 00:08:04,423
Hey!
Hey.
209
00:08:04,425 --> 00:08:06,892
Where is Jay?
Jay's at work.
210
00:08:06,894 --> 00:08:09,695
Oh.
How's it going, boys?
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00:08:09,697 --> 00:08:11,530
It's going great.
I'm glad.
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00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:13,532
You think Jay's gonna come to
the next playdate?
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00:08:13,534 --> 00:08:15,367
Probably not...
Oh.
214
00:08:15,369 --> 00:08:17,369
...would be my guess.
Hey, can you watch them for just
215
00:08:17,371 --> 00:08:19,371
a second?
I'm gonna go grab some milk.
216
00:08:19,373 --> 00:08:21,206
Yep.
Excuse me.
217
00:08:21,208 --> 00:08:23,041
Okay.
Kevin.
218
00:08:23,043 --> 00:08:25,043
What?
Don't ruin this.
219
00:08:25,045 --> 00:08:27,246
I'm not ruining it.
You're probably ruining it.
220
00:08:27,248 --> 00:08:29,248
What are you... telling her
stories about your college years
221
00:08:29,250 --> 00:08:31,083
again?
No.
222
00:08:31,085 --> 00:08:33,952
"Oh, I got drunk and I pumped
gas naked one time."
223
00:08:33,954 --> 00:08:37,589
That was you!
(laughing): That was awesome.
224
00:08:37,591 --> 00:08:39,591
Oh, my God. Just...
It was like yesterday.
225
00:08:39,593 --> 00:08:42,995
...go. Go before you...
So wasted.
226
00:08:42,997 --> 00:08:45,230
Did you...
I got bubbles.
227
00:08:45,232 --> 00:08:47,466
Oh, my God, I can taste it.
Jenny, the kitchen is gr...
228
00:08:47,468 --> 00:08:51,737
Oh, my God.
Oh.
229
00:08:51,739 --> 00:08:57,075
You guys don't smell anything?
Nothing?
230
00:08:57,077 --> 00:08:59,144
Maybe one of the boys has a
poopy diaper.
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00:08:59,146 --> 00:09:01,313
Mm-hmm.
Here, bud.
232
00:09:01,315 --> 00:09:03,515
Here's your milk.
Here, you hold it.
233
00:09:03,517 --> 00:09:05,884
Ooh, there you go.
234
00:09:05,886 --> 00:09:13,125
(screaming)
Whoa-ho! What a hit!
235
00:09:13,127 --> 00:09:14,860
Oh, my God, oh...
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
236
00:09:14,862 --> 00:09:16,528
Nice hit!
Are you okay?
237
00:09:16,530 --> 00:09:18,196
Whoa, he took the milk.
Is he all right?
238
00:09:18,198 --> 00:09:20,365
That's breast milk, that's
kind of weird.
239
00:09:20,367 --> 00:09:22,601
Uh, I don't know what...
Yeah.
240
00:09:22,603 --> 00:09:24,803
...just happened.
Um, I'm so sorry he sacked your
241
00:09:24,805 --> 00:09:27,105
son.
Yeah.
242
00:09:27,107 --> 00:09:29,174
That wasn't a sack.
Well, it was a sack and a
243
00:09:29,176 --> 00:09:31,176
strip.
No one sacks a Cutler.
244
00:09:31,178 --> 00:09:33,011
Have you seen your offensive
line?
245
00:09:33,013 --> 00:09:34,846
I think everybody sacked a
Cutler.
246
00:09:34,848 --> 00:09:37,449
Kevin?
Well, my little guy's getting
247
00:09:37,451 --> 00:09:43,188
tired, so we should go.
No, you don't have to go.
248
00:09:43,190 --> 00:09:46,391
Nope, no poopy diaper.
But you should check your slacks
249
00:09:46,393 --> 00:09:49,895
maybe.
Bye.
250
00:09:49,897 --> 00:09:54,032
(door opens, closes)
That went well.
251
00:09:54,034 --> 00:09:57,002
It did not go well.
In fact, Seabiscuit decided to
252
00:09:57,004 --> 00:09:59,404
put on a little bubble show for
the Cutlet.
253
00:09:59,406 --> 00:10:01,907
I was so close to hanging out
with cool people finally.
254
00:10:01,909 --> 00:10:04,242
I hear you, bro.
After being out there, it's hard
255
00:10:04,244 --> 00:10:06,812
to come back in here and listen
to all this mishegoss.
256
00:10:06,814 --> 00:10:10,082
We are not out of this.
The Cutlers are huge on charity.
257
00:10:10,084 --> 00:10:12,584
They're hosting that charity
event for the school at their
258
00:10:12,586 --> 00:10:15,387
house.
We are gonna charity the shit
259
00:10:15,389 --> 00:10:17,489
out of them, you guys.
They are going to love us for
260
00:10:17,491 --> 00:10:19,491
it.
Well, while you guys are
261
00:10:19,493 --> 00:10:22,260
desperately trying to become the
couple that the Cutlers hate the
262
00:10:22,262 --> 00:10:24,396
least, I'd like you to see what
the newest member of our league
263
00:10:24,398 --> 00:10:26,398
is up to.
Not only will he not throw the
264
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:28,900
game or give up control of
Taco's team, but now he's
265
00:10:28,902 --> 00:10:33,004
posting.
This is Taco and I will be
266
00:10:33,006 --> 00:10:35,574
victorious on the battlefield.
Hey, Taco.
267
00:10:35,576 --> 00:10:38,677
Hey, Andre, I have one
question for you.
268
00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:40,712
Did you ever have to tell a
friend that his dick was blown
269
00:10:40,714 --> 00:10:43,849
off and then you realize it
wasn't your friend, it was you?
270
00:10:43,851 --> 00:10:47,552
You don't know what it means to
lose.
271
00:10:47,554 --> 00:10:49,554
But you will.
I think this will really
272
00:10:49,556 --> 00:10:51,556
cheer up Andre.
I don't think it will cheer
273
00:10:51,558 --> 00:10:53,392
him up at all.
I think it'll do the opposite
274
00:10:53,394 --> 00:10:55,394
actually.
Hey, you know what?
275
00:10:55,396 --> 00:10:57,696
Since the season hasn't started
yet, what do you say we make it
276
00:10:57,698 --> 00:11:02,934
a ten-team league?
I got just the guys.
277
00:11:02,936 --> 00:11:04,936
Oh, it's Will and Ron.
Ten teams!
278
00:11:04,938 --> 00:11:06,772
They're really violent.
Ten teams!
279
00:11:06,774 --> 00:11:08,774
Ten teams!
Yeah, ten teams!
280
00:11:08,776 --> 00:11:10,609
Ten teams, Andre!
Ten teams.
281
00:11:10,611 --> 00:11:12,611
You... (shushes)
What do you mean... (shushes)?
282
00:11:12,613 --> 00:11:15,080
I lost my dick for your freedom!
Have fun on the Fourth of July
283
00:11:15,082 --> 00:11:17,082
while I'm sitting there peeing
like a girl!
284
00:11:17,084 --> 00:11:18,917
I got no dick!
Okay.
285
00:11:18,919 --> 00:11:20,752
And that is the newest member
of our league.
286
00:11:20,754 --> 00:11:22,587
All right, don't worry about
it.
287
00:11:22,589 --> 00:11:24,589
The commissioner will take care
of this.
288
00:11:24,591 --> 00:11:26,591
You should bring a gun.
You turned it into a bong,
289
00:11:26,593 --> 00:11:29,928
Taco.
I did.
290
00:11:29,930 --> 00:11:35,467
Sergeant Penico?
Oh, wasn't there, didn't do
291
00:11:35,469 --> 00:11:37,302
it, wasn't me.
My name's Kevin MacArthur.
292
00:11:37,304 --> 00:11:39,104
I'm-I'm a... Remember the
league?
293
00:11:39,106 --> 00:11:41,139
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, the
commissioner.
294
00:11:41,141 --> 00:11:43,141
I have a proposition for you.
What do you got?
295
00:11:43,143 --> 00:11:45,010
How would you like to meet
Jay Cutler?
296
00:11:45,012 --> 00:11:46,678
Jay Cutler?
Yeah.
297
00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:48,747
I'd love to meet... I mean...
(stammers)... In person?
298
00:11:48,749 --> 00:11:50,582
In person, yeah.
Do you think he'd sign
299
00:11:50,584 --> 00:11:53,452
something for me?
I mean we can ask, we can...
300
00:11:53,454 --> 00:11:56,588
Brought it back from Fallujah.
301
00:11:56,590 --> 00:11:58,890
We'll certainly ask.
302
00:12:05,228 --> 00:12:09,151
Yes, ladies for Andre.
Can I get two vodka tonics, please?
303
00:12:09,391 --> 00:12:11,391
You stay here and just soak this in.
304
00:12:11,393 --> 00:12:13,393
You are single, get used to this.
305
00:12:13,395 --> 00:12:15,395
I don't want to be single, I
306
00:12:15,397 --> 00:12:17,497
want to be with Trixie.
You're looking at this
307
00:12:17,499 --> 00:12:19,633
completely wrong.
Do you remember in the old days
308
00:12:19,635 --> 00:12:21,868
we would watch football and
there was one game on?
309
00:12:21,870 --> 00:12:23,703
Yeah.
Even if it was shitty, even
310
00:12:23,705 --> 00:12:25,705
if it was boring, even if it was
a blowout, you had to commit to
311
00:12:25,707 --> 00:12:27,707
that.
Now we got the RedZone channel,
312
00:12:27,709 --> 00:12:30,176
right?
Being single is the RedZone
313
00:12:30,178 --> 00:12:32,412
channel, okay?
You can watch any game you want.
314
00:12:32,414 --> 00:12:34,414
You can watch two at a time if
you want.
315
00:12:34,416 --> 00:12:36,416
The one with the big butt over
here? Great.
316
00:12:36,418 --> 00:12:38,418
Big boob game, channel 27?
Going over here.
317
00:12:38,420 --> 00:12:40,487
I mean, look at Taco.
This guy, his dick's just
318
00:12:40,489 --> 00:12:42,489
flipping around the channels
willy-nilly.
319
00:12:42,491 --> 00:12:44,524
Did your parents get divorced
when you were young?
320
00:12:44,526 --> 00:12:46,526
Oh, my God, how did you kw
that?
321
00:12:46,528 --> 00:12:49,095
This could be your life.
Yeah... I mean, yeah...
322
00:12:49,097 --> 00:12:51,531
Yeah, yeah, you're seeing it.
You know, it's all good good.
323
00:12:51,533 --> 00:12:53,567
Yeah, well, you know, I don't
think you're using that right,
324
00:12:53,569 --> 00:12:55,402
but yeah.
Okay.
325
00:12:55,404 --> 00:12:57,237
Hey, boys.
You guys see how many Jettas are
326
00:12:57,239 --> 00:12:59,573
parked out back?
Aren't you glad Trixie's dead?
327
00:12:59,575 --> 00:13:01,741
She's not dead, she's blind.
Is it all right if I invited
328
00:13:01,743 --> 00:13:03,743
an Eskimo brother who was in
town?
329
00:13:03,745 --> 00:13:05,745
Yeah, as long as it's not
Sergeant Penico.
330
00:13:05,747 --> 00:13:07,747
No, they don't let crazy
homeless people in this bar.
331
00:13:07,749 --> 00:13:09,583
All right, put this in your
body right now.
332
00:13:09,585 --> 00:13:11,418
Yes.
Oh, vodka?
333
00:13:11,420 --> 00:13:13,420
No, I want a Riesling.
Don't say that, okay?
334
00:13:13,422 --> 00:13:15,255
No, don't.
You just lost 50% of the
335
00:13:15,257 --> 00:13:17,257
dating pool.
Lips to the glass.
336
00:13:17,259 --> 00:13:19,192
Now, stop breathing and drink.
There it is.
337
00:13:19,194 --> 00:13:21,294
Bartender, can I get a
Vaportini, please?
338
00:13:21,296 --> 00:13:23,296
What's that?
It's a way to inhale your
339
00:13:23,298 --> 00:13:25,799
drink.
Light a little flame.
340
00:13:25,801 --> 00:13:28,768
Set the booze on fire.
It vaporizes.
341
00:13:28,770 --> 00:13:30,937
Then it goes straight into your
bloodstream.
342
00:13:30,939 --> 00:13:36,610
Check it out.
(coughing)
343
00:13:36,612 --> 00:13:39,946
No, Officer, I have not been
drinking tonight.
344
00:13:39,948 --> 00:13:41,781
I'm gonna smoke a martini
with you.
345
00:13:41,783 --> 00:13:43,450
Yeah!
Let's do this.
346
00:13:43,452 --> 00:13:45,151
Can we maybe smoke a pisco
sour?
347
00:13:45,153 --> 00:13:47,787
Say, man.
You can smoke whatever you like.
348
00:13:47,789 --> 00:13:50,824
But me personally, I prefer that
good good.
349
00:13:50,826 --> 00:13:52,826
What's up, Snoop?
We're over here.
350
00:13:52,828 --> 00:13:55,629
Snoop is your Eskimo brother?
How do you guys know Snoop?
351
00:13:55,631 --> 00:13:58,298
What's up?
Yeah.
352
00:13:58,300 --> 00:14:00,300
What happened?
Snoop, this is my Eskimo
353
00:14:00,302 --> 00:14:02,102
brother, Pete.
Hey, Pete, how you doing,
354
00:14:02,104 --> 00:14:03,603
brother?
Does that mean that
355
00:14:03,605 --> 00:14:05,071
we're, like...?
Eskimo brothers-in-law.
356
00:14:05,073 --> 00:14:06,773
Family.
And this is the guy I was
357
00:14:06,775 --> 00:14:08,742
talking to you about-- Andre.
Yeah, but you can call me Dre
358
00:14:08,744 --> 00:14:12,445
Dogg.
You know, I gotta say this,
359
00:14:12,447 --> 00:14:14,981
tonight was totally lame,
but now it's all good good.
360
00:14:14,983 --> 00:14:17,117
That's not the right way
to use it.
361
00:14:17,119 --> 00:14:19,119
What do you think about
this outfit, Snoop?
362
00:14:19,121 --> 00:14:21,321
You think this is good good?
On the real?
363
00:14:21,323 --> 00:14:23,990
It's not even one good.
Oh.
364
00:14:23,992 --> 00:14:26,292
It's horrible.
It's a train wreck. Bad bad.
365
00:14:26,294 --> 00:14:28,128
All right, boys,
let's light 'em up.
366
00:14:28,130 --> 00:14:29,996
That's what I'm here for.
All right.
367
00:14:29,998 --> 00:14:34,501
ALL: Smoke your drink!
368
00:14:34,503 --> 00:14:38,338
Good good!
Stop it, Dre!
369
00:14:38,340 --> 00:14:42,976
Ooh-ee, that's the do-it fluid!
Eskimo brother. Whoo!
370
00:14:42,978 --> 00:14:45,145
Ice fishing in the
same hole, baby.
371
00:14:45,147 --> 00:14:47,981
Yeah. I never asked you
this, Snoop: what do you do?
372
00:14:47,983 --> 00:14:51,851
Mm... Yeah!
Bro time.
373
00:14:51,853 --> 00:14:56,623
Bro time!
Oh, boy!
374
00:14:56,625 --> 00:14:59,926
Gentlemen, these ladies
would like to smoke some drinks.
375
00:14:59,928 --> 00:15:06,733
(Taco coughs)
You're getting me wasted.
376
00:15:06,735 --> 00:15:08,234
Getting myself wasted.
You're just here.
377
00:15:08,236 --> 00:15:10,070
Living in the red zone
is amazing.
378
00:15:10,072 --> 00:15:12,972
I can go to you, I can go
to you, I can go to you.
379
00:15:12,974 --> 00:15:14,574
Switch back to you,
and back to you.
380
00:15:14,576 --> 00:15:16,142
I have the power to switch
to anyone.
381
00:15:16,144 --> 00:15:17,477
Wait-- what are you
talking about?
382
00:15:17,479 --> 00:15:19,045
You're switching
to different girls?
383
00:15:19,047 --> 00:15:20,880
Yeah, 'cause if I get
bored with you...
384
00:15:20,882 --> 00:15:22,749
You get bored with me?
Excuse me?
385
00:15:22,751 --> 00:15:24,884
Yeah, I'll be, like, I'm on
this one over here.
386
00:15:24,886 --> 00:15:27,654
Who do you think you are?
I'm an owner of a DirecTV
387
00:15:27,656 --> 00:15:29,923
package that allows me
to have the RedZone.
388
00:15:29,925 --> 00:15:32,058
Bam, bam, bam! I'm single
and I'm loving it!
389
00:15:32,060 --> 00:15:34,027
I'm out, asshole.
You know what?
390
00:15:34,029 --> 00:15:35,895
One game's over, another one's
gonna begin.
391
00:15:35,897 --> 00:15:38,965
What about you?
Okay, that's a man.
392
00:15:38,967 --> 00:15:46,005
I sucked 'em both dry!
But I only have a pair of aces!
393
00:15:46,007 --> 00:15:48,074
No, no.
Nope, not even close.
394
00:15:48,076 --> 00:15:50,043
Pair of aces!
No, not close.
395
00:15:50,045 --> 00:15:53,012
I am actually good at magic.
And I'm gonna invite all of you
396
00:15:53,014 --> 00:15:57,016
to see me perform tonight in
my magic man cave.
397
00:15:57,018 --> 00:16:00,553
Everyone is welcome inside
my man cave.
398
00:16:00,555 --> 00:16:05,024
So come into my man cave!
That's not really as bad
399
00:16:05,026 --> 00:16:07,360
as it sounded.
It sounded bad.
400
00:16:07,362 --> 00:16:10,764
Guys, I forgot to tell you,
come inside the back door,
401
00:16:10,766 --> 00:16:13,466
'cause that's the one
that's always open.
402
00:16:13,468 --> 00:16:16,569
(clicks tongue, laughs)
Did you by any chance
403
00:16:16,571 --> 00:16:18,605
slip anything extra in
his Vaportini?
404
00:16:18,607 --> 00:16:21,741
Yeah, we call it Kush
and Ciroc.
405
00:16:21,743 --> 00:16:23,943
And I may have put some
ketamine in there, too.
406
00:16:23,945 --> 00:16:25,979
Nice.
So, Andre's in a K-hole?
407
00:16:25,981 --> 00:16:28,548
It's a Dre-hole.
(all laugh)
408
00:16:28,550 --> 00:16:32,619
Okay, everyone's gonna come
back to my man cave, and I'm
409
00:16:32,621 --> 00:16:35,755
gonna do some magic.
But first, just for a little
410
00:16:35,757 --> 00:16:39,759
bit, have a nap.
That's right.
411
00:16:39,761 --> 00:16:47,467
Get this over and get a little
comfy cozy and... (sighs).
412
00:16:47,469 --> 00:16:51,104
(woman laughing)
Andre, we're entering
413
00:16:51,106 --> 00:16:53,606
your back door.
Ew. Ooh, this place
414
00:16:53,608 --> 00:16:55,508
is hideous.
Oh, it gets so much worse.
415
00:16:55,510 --> 00:16:57,343
Let me show you something
amazing.
416
00:16:57,345 --> 00:17:00,980
(both laugh)
(woman chuckles)
417
00:17:00,982 --> 00:17:04,083
(both moan)
(woman giggles)
418
00:17:04,085 --> 00:17:06,286
You know, this couch is magic.
Oh, it is?
419
00:17:06,288 --> 00:17:08,021
Oh, yeah.
Oh! (giggles)
420
00:17:08,023 --> 00:17:12,625
Oh, it feels magic.
(both moaning)
421
00:17:12,627 --> 00:17:17,163
Ta-da!
(couple screaming)
422
00:17:17,165 --> 00:17:20,433
Ah, ha-ha-ha! Ta-da!
Jesus, Andre!
423
00:17:20,435 --> 00:17:22,435
I mastered the Man in the Box!
424
00:17:22,437 --> 00:17:25,038
I mastered the Man in the Box!
You know what?
425
00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:27,540
Do me a favor, make my number
disappear, huh?
426
00:17:27,542 --> 00:17:30,009
(Andre laughs)
I mastered Man in the Box.
427
00:17:30,011 --> 00:17:32,545
I was trying to be man
in the box.
428
00:17:32,547 --> 00:17:34,447
Thank you very much. Thank you.
Ta-da!
429
00:17:34,449 --> 00:17:37,050
Oh, shit.
Cheer up, orgy. Whoo!
430
00:17:37,052 --> 00:17:39,352
No, no, no, no, it's a magic,
it's a magic trick.
431
00:17:39,354 --> 00:17:41,054
Oh, God.
Oh, I got to pull out
432
00:17:41,056 --> 00:17:42,495
of this man cave.
Andre, film this.
433
00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:47,040
All right, guys, let's get
a picture.
434
00:17:47,117 --> 00:17:49,105
Get in there.
Yes, you guys, get together
435
00:17:49,107 --> 00:17:51,274
with Sergeant Penico.
This is the veteran I was
436
00:17:51,276 --> 00:17:53,610
telling you guys about.
How did you hurt your ankle?
437
00:17:53,612 --> 00:17:56,212
Was it over in action?
No, no, no, no, I got in a
438
00:17:56,214 --> 00:17:58,147
fight with a dog over
a sandwich.
439
00:17:58,149 --> 00:18:00,350
Geez.
But the, um, I lost my dick
440
00:18:00,352 --> 00:18:01,851
in the war.
Oh, wow.
441
00:18:01,853 --> 00:18:03,519
All right, Sergeant.
Get the picture?
442
00:18:03,521 --> 00:18:05,521
I got it.
Good to see you, Sarge.
443
00:18:05,523 --> 00:18:07,557
Hey, Jay, never let 'em
get you down, Jay.
444
00:18:07,559 --> 00:18:09,826
All right.
That one has my heart.
445
00:18:09,828 --> 00:18:12,629
It's our life's mission to
help reassimilate people
446
00:18:12,631 --> 00:18:15,231
back into society by inviting
them into our fantasy
447
00:18:15,233 --> 00:18:17,033
football league.
Mm-hmm, we call it
448
00:18:17,035 --> 00:18:19,702
"The League of Dreams."
Yes, The League of Dreams.
449
00:18:19,704 --> 00:18:21,337
League of Dreams.
Wow.
450
00:18:21,339 --> 00:18:23,339
That's impressive.
Yeah. We have an AIDS
451
00:18:23,341 --> 00:18:25,541
patient.
Ted.
452
00:18:25,543 --> 00:18:28,077
And a recovering alcoholic.
Chuck. There's Ruxin,
453
00:18:28,079 --> 00:18:30,346
who had severe heart problems.
It's almost as if he's
454
00:18:30,348 --> 00:18:32,081
dead inside.
Taco the drug addict.
455
00:18:32,083 --> 00:18:34,017
Yeah, drug addicts.
I don't even know his
456
00:18:34,019 --> 00:18:35,551
real name.
And then there's Andre,
457
00:18:35,553 --> 00:18:37,820
our saddest case of all.
We never thought we'd get
458
00:18:37,822 --> 00:18:39,522
him back.
No, there was no place
459
00:18:39,524 --> 00:18:41,257
for him in society.
But he's doing
460
00:18:41,259 --> 00:18:43,059
much better now.
He's doing so well,
461
00:18:43,061 --> 00:18:44,661
he is a doctor.
BOTH: Wow.
462
00:18:44,663 --> 00:18:46,195
It's great to give back.
Mm-hmm.
463
00:18:46,197 --> 00:18:48,231
I feel awful because I feel
like we really misjudged
464
00:18:48,233 --> 00:18:49,499
you guys.
Completely.
465
00:18:49,501 --> 00:18:50,934
That seems to happen.
I don't know why.
466
00:18:50,936 --> 00:18:52,335
Yeah.
We should definitely
467
00:18:52,337 --> 00:18:54,237
hang out again.
We would love that.
468
00:18:54,239 --> 00:18:55,571
Oh, sure, yeah.
That'd be great.
469
00:18:55,573 --> 00:18:57,073
Absolutely.
Well, listen, you guys
470
00:18:57,075 --> 00:18:58,908
enjoy the party.
Go have some fun, and we'll
471
00:18:58,910 --> 00:19:00,443
catch up in a little bit.
Awesome.
472
00:19:00,445 --> 00:19:01,711
Thank you.
Okay.
473
00:19:01,713 --> 00:19:03,746
Great, guys, okay.
(Kevin sighs)
474
00:19:03,748 --> 00:19:05,882
We are going to hell.
Yeah, and we're taking
475
00:19:05,884 --> 00:19:07,550
the Cutlers with us.
Yep.
476
00:19:07,552 --> 00:19:09,185
(stomach growling)
Ooh, boy.
477
00:19:09,187 --> 00:19:13,423
"Ooh" what? No. No!
These bubbles need a home.
478
00:19:13,425 --> 00:19:15,892
Fine. Go to the bathroom,
but spray afterwards.
479
00:19:15,894 --> 00:19:18,428
Oh, fine.
So tell me about this
480
00:19:18,430 --> 00:19:20,863
League of Dreams.
The actual fantasy football
481
00:19:20,865 --> 00:19:23,366
knowledge in this league
is pathetic... but the
482
00:19:23,368 --> 00:19:26,069
message boards are great.
Did you see the post when
483
00:19:26,071 --> 00:19:27,637
Jenny's kid drank your
breast milk?
484
00:19:27,639 --> 00:19:29,138
Wait-- what?
When Jenny's kid dra...
485
00:19:29,140 --> 00:19:30,907
when she stole your breast milk.
No.
486
00:19:30,909 --> 00:19:33,276
So you're the one that
stole my breast milk?
487
00:19:33,278 --> 00:19:35,578
No.
Yes, you did.
488
00:19:35,580 --> 00:19:38,381
Okay, yes, but there's a
perfectly good explanation.
489
00:19:38,383 --> 00:19:40,316
Oh, please tell.
Well, Taco was throwing
490
00:19:40,318 --> 00:19:42,485
this huge party...
Whoa. The addict?
491
00:19:42,487 --> 00:19:46,089
Yes. And Kevin's mom kept
testing my breast milk with
492
00:19:46,091 --> 00:19:48,458
these Breastalyzer...
So you stole my breast milk
493
00:19:48,460 --> 00:19:50,560
so that you could get wasted?
I'm sensing a little
494
00:19:50,562 --> 00:19:52,462
judgment here.
Breast milk's good if you
495
00:19:52,464 --> 00:19:54,597
ever...
Like, you just got to flavor it.
496
00:19:54,599 --> 00:19:56,232
Oh, God! Jay!
Maple syrup.
497
00:19:56,234 --> 00:20:02,238
(Kevin groaning)
Oh, I'm gonna blow.
498
00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:06,743
(groans)
Oh, my God!
499
00:20:06,745 --> 00:20:12,482
Need spray! It stinks!
Oh, God!
500
00:20:12,484 --> 00:20:17,587
Oh, no!
Oh, cock, shit, mother, balls!
501
00:20:17,589 --> 00:20:20,323
Kevin? We gotta go!
She's the one that stole
502
00:20:20,325 --> 00:20:22,025
my breast milk.
What?
503
00:20:22,027 --> 00:20:24,694
Kevin, we gotta go.
Oh, my God.
504
00:20:24,696 --> 00:20:26,996
(Kristin gasps)
What did you do?
505
00:20:26,998 --> 00:20:29,132
I spray-painted
their bathroom cabinet.
506
00:20:29,134 --> 00:20:31,200
It must have been left over
from the construction.
507
00:20:31,202 --> 00:20:33,669
Why are you spraying it?
Because I had a bubble.
508
00:20:33,671 --> 00:20:36,172
Dude, you can't do that here.
Well, if you can't fart
509
00:20:36,174 --> 00:20:38,941
in the bathroom, Jay, then I ask
you where can one fart?
510
00:20:38,943 --> 00:20:41,611
You animal! Even in war
you don't do that!
511
00:20:41,731 --> 00:20:43,774
Oh, I got another one coming.
Sorry.
512
00:20:44,405 --> 00:20:55,318
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
513
00:20:55,368 --> 00:20:59,918
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