All language subtitles for Maron s01e09 Projections.eng

I'm doing fine.
You know, I mean,

I'm working on the road.
I'm playing clubs.

I mean, a lot of guys
I start out with, you know,

they're performing
for the president.

And that doesn't bother you?

Like, people that
you started out with,

they're performing
for the president.

Where are you?
You're at Hooters in Vegas.

I'm at Hooters.

I left Hooters,

and now I'm at
knuckleheads and yuk yuk's

and the funny bone.

And you're not angry!

You're not angry about it.

But you know what?

A lot of those guys
are doing...

You know,
a lot of them opened up for me.

You know, Ray Romano,
Roseanne.

Right.
You had a lot of guys.

Rob Schneider, David Spade.
They're huge.

Yeah, but a lot of these guys
fell to the wayside.

A lot of them are doing fine,
but a lot of them

have a lot of,
like, real mental problems.

And you don't have
any mental problems.

No, I don't have
any mental problems, okay?

No, I don't, you know.

I got a great wife.

I got a great daughter
and... and... and...

And everything's
kind of cool.

I mean,
I'm almost 60 years old,

which doesn't bother me,
but my wife's almost 60.

What's going on out there? I
got a... I'll take care of it.

What's going on? All right,
look, it's not... it's not...

What the hell's going on?
It's not television.

We'll pick it up
in a minute.

What kind of stupid operation is this?
All right, all right, all right.

Hey, Jack?

Jack?

Jack?

I'm interviewing someone
in the garage.

Can we, uh,
work on the fence later?

Oh, sure. No problem.

I can do this any time.
Okay.

Now that I'm retired,
it's all I'm doing.

Till I die.

O-okay. Great.

Oh, maybe you should
get yourself

one of those on-air lights

and put it
on my side of the garage.

Are you kidding?

'Cause that's a...
That's a good idea.

I can install it for you.

'Cause, really,
I got nothing to do.

Yeah, we can talk about it.
Okay.

Just let me know when I can get
back to avoiding my mortality.

Okay?
All right. Thanks, Jack.

Anything else
you need done around the house,

you let me know.

I will, Jack.

Yeah, that's just great.

Oh, my god.

What kind of Mickey Mouse thing
you got going on here?

It's not ideal.

You know, "Hogan's Heroes,"
when they broadcast out of

their bunker under the tree
trunk was better than this.

Stop it. You know, it's like

some kind of pirate
radio station in Trinidad.

This is unbelievable.

What if... what...
What if...

What if it'd gone
a different direction, Bobby?

Is there something
other than comedy

you might
see yourself doing?

No, because
I'm not a people person.

I don't know
if you can tell that.

But, uh...
But I'm not that bitter.

I'm not that angry,
you know.

No, I can feel that.

And for years, I heard that
you were more bitter

and more angry than I was.
Right.

And now... and now I think,
you know, you got your podcast.

You're doing well.

So now I think
I may be a little more bitter.

So you win.
You're the winner.

I'm the winner!

Finally I won at something.

So we can start again.
Okay, so where were we?

We were talking about
how you're not angry.

I'm not angry, okay?!

But I come in here
and all of a sudden

there's lawn mowers
out there.

You can't even get some egg
crates and put them on the wall.

I'll get them!
I'll get them!

You go to home depot, $20.

You can put sound proofing
on here.

All right, all right.

You fix the place up.
All right.

But I'm not angry!
I know you're not.

You know,
I used to do a lot of shows.

I was on
conan o'brien's show.

I was on a lot of shows.

They don't have me on anymore,
so I became...

Yeah. Why is that?
I don't know why.

You really don't know why? I got to
come broadcast out of a guy's garage.

This is great.

Come home to the same woman

after 25 years...
25 years of marriage.

I-I... all right.
I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted.

I'm drained.
I'm exhausted, too.

This is the dumbest show
I've ever done in my life.

what is this?

This is...
These are the wrong buttons.

This is your face.

I-I know, but you were supposed
to do the one of me yelling,

not the one
where I look like an asshole.

Isn't there
some kind of overlap here?

What's happening
with the hat?

"My logo," it says...

Wait. Wait.
Where are you going?

We're in the middle
of a transaction.

Lady?

Well, I don't even know
why you are messing around

with these ridiculous buttons
to begin with.

This is merch, Andy.

No, no, no.
T-shirts are merch.

Coffee mugs are merch.

R-rush Limbaugh...
You can buy

a replica
of that chair he sits in.

Rush limbaugh?

Yeah, he makes a chair,

and it holds up to 1,000 pounds
of hate and bravado.

What do you sell?

I sell comedy, Marc. Oh.

I sell joy.
And I sell wonder.

Aw. You sell
everything but tickets.

Wait. Where...

Come on.
Are we good? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
I'm fine. You can't hurt me.

I'm impervious
to whatever it is you're doing.

Oh, god. What?

Are you losing another
Twitter war with a 9-year-old?

No,
I'm done with that asshole.

No, this is about

that Danny ruckler meeting
I have today.

I'm dreading it, man.

That guy makes crap movies.

I mean, what did he make?
"Lunchlady," "Slaps McCrackin'."

I mean, why am I doing this?

Is this the kind of film
I'm aspiring to be in?

I mean... you're not doing
this to get an Oscar.

You're doing it
to get health insurance.

And you need
health insurance.

No, I-I get it.
I know who I am.

I'm a 48-year-old man
who works out of his garage

who has to reach out

to some talentless douche bag
he went to college with

so he can throw me a bone.

I get it.

This is... this is the life
I made for myself.

Don't beat yourself up.

There's no scenario

in which your life wouldn't be
completely miserable.

That's not true.

You're doing what you love.

You've got cred.

Not to mention

this booming side business
selling shitty buttons.

Why don't you look at
this movie thing for what it is?

It's an acting job.

Danny ruckler's a hack, man!

Don't let your jealousy
ruin this for you.

You got to watch that.

You got
a self-destructive streak.

Oh, don't worry.
I'm fully destructive.

Hey, I'm not
paying for these buttons.

Suck my dick!

Did that just happen?

I think we should go.
That's my cue to go.

Hey,
why don't you put your face

on one of
these cheap water bottles?

You know,
the kind that give you cancer?

Okay. That's very funny.

People will remember you.
Yeah, keep talking.

You're the... you're the guy
who gave them cancer!

You know, I've never really
been very good at compromise.

It's not
that I-I had a vision

of what I should
or shouldn't be.

It's just that I-I never liked
being told what to do.

And I never liked doing things
that I didn't want to do.

In other words, I'm a child.

I am a child.

And that's why I'm speaking
to you from my garage right now.

I mean, think about it.

You know what?
I'll think about it.

If I just learned
how to compromise earlier on,

I may be... I-I might have been
in a different place in my life.

But I think my fear
is that if I did do that,

on some level I'd never
recover from that compromise.

This is some heavy speculation
about compromise, people.

But knowing... I can tell you
this from experience...

Knowing that
I never really did compromise,

I can honestly say

that that hasn't really
worked out, either.

I mean, look at me.

I'm not
feeling sorry for myself.

I'm, uh... I'm babbling
enthusiastically about myself.

Hey, could you spare
a dollar?

Yeah, man.

Just remember this,

'cause I'll probably be
out here with you next year.

Hey, I'm just, uh,
looking for a friend.

Hey! There he is.

Hey.

Come here.

Huh? All right.

We're doing this thing.

Yeah. You look good.

You lost weight? Sure.

It's been, you know,
a long time.

It's been too long. Right?

Too long.

I was just
telling my friend that.

It's been too long.

Sit.

Sit.

There you go.
Got your keys, your phone.

Another phone.

What are you, a magician?

You still got it.

Hey. Mm.

You got a mustache now, huh?

Yeah, I got tired
of the whole beard.

Let's just get
the awkwardness out of the way.

Your manager told me about
your insurance situation, so...

Done.

Wow. Cool. Done.

Thanks, man.
I appreciate that.

I'm just glad
to be in a position to help.

A middle-aged man should not
be without health insurance.

- Right?
- This country, huh?

Hey, don't say that too loud.
You'll get kicked out of the 1%.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Uh, bottled, please.

Thank you, Kelly.

Kids change everything. Mm.

You know who's really gone to
shit since the twins were born?

Who's that? The nanny.

She used to be so hot.

Now she's just
tired all the time.

I can't even imagine kids.
I mean, I got... I got cats.

They're obviously
not blood relatives, but, uh...

So, how many of us are left
from the old Boston crew?

How many are still out here?
Is it down to just me and you?

Wow. Yeah, pretty much.

I mean, Tony is married.
He's in advertising now.

Gary is
off the grid entirely.

I think
he legitimately disappeared.

That is not a shocker.
That's true.

So, it really is just us,
huh?

Yeah, it seems like
everybody who thought

they could be happy
doing something else

just packed up and left.

Ah,
they were the smart ones.

Maybe.
Hey, what ever happened

to that...
That old girlfriend of yours?

She was so great.
What... what was her name?

Diane.

Diane from Delaware, right?

Yeah.

You guys were so... Close.

What ever happened to her?
I-I really don't know.

I mean, I haven't even
thought about her in 30 years.

I mean, I can't even imagine
what she looks like now.

She seemed like
a real keeper, that one.

Yeah, I loved her.

But I don't think
it would have lasted.

I mean,
she wanted a normal life.

I wanted to do my thing,
whatever the hell that is.

That sucks.

I mean,
to make it in this business,

you got to
sacrifice so much.

I thank god
that I didn't fall in love

till after I was successful.

My wife is 26.

I met her
on the set of "slaps."

"Slaps." She was an extra.

She's very smart.

She's a yoga instructor,
nutritionalist,

a massage therapist.

Whoa. Yeah.

She does art.
She does it all.

She paints... Sort of.

She paints pets,
like celebrity pets,

but in the style
of the great masters.

Yeah. She could do your cats
like a Picasso or Leroy neiman.

Leroy neiman. Lot of color. Maybe
boxing, skiing. Yeah, yeah.

My cat, maybe,
monkey hitting Muhammad Ali.

She could do that. You're talking to
the wrong guy about buying a painting.

But, yeah, I'll take one
if you want to...

I'll give you one. I'll say that
I charged you for it, all right?

And we'll write up a receipt

as though you paid.

These prices are ridiculous.

Tyler, just get the one
off the kids menu.

It's half as much.

Mom. What?

You're not gonna finish it
anyway.

No.
I want the grownup steak.

You said
if I got a "b" on my test,

I could get whatever I want.

Marc. Marc,
stop playing with your phone.

I'm sick of fighting
these battles by myself.

Look, I didn't even want to come
here in the first place.

Bribing a kid to get a "b."

I mean, is that how we're
raising our children...

To be mediocre and corrupt,
like Russian autocrats?

Oh, great.
Here comes another rant.

I'll give you mediocre.

Do you even know
what that means?

Come on.
Don't be an asshole.

I don't want your sister doing
that or what it represents ever.

I'm sorry.
Daddy said a bad word.

Great, Marc. Awesome parenting.
Thank you.

What? I said I was sorry.

It's just
this place is expensive.

Are we poor?

No, sweetie. We're fine.

Yes, we're fine.
We'll always be fine.

We'll just never be good.
All right. Okay.

I'm sorry
I don't kiss ass at work.

I'm sorry
if I'm the only guy there

that likes to be judged
on the merits of his creativity.

"The merits of his creativity."

You mean
the talking-cat campaign?

Yes.
The talking-cat campaign.

All right?
I sold out enough.

I don't need
to sell out anymore.

I like the talking cat,
daddy.

Thank you, baby.

I thought it sucked.

Yeah, it did suck,
all right?

But sadly, it's the best work
I've done at this job.

Yeah, like you ever would have
made it as a stand-up.

If I'd given it a shot,
you know,

maybe I could have
had ray Romano's career.

I'm as likeable
as ray Romano.

Trust me, you're not.

When does it stop?

Why do you got to
keep crushing my spirit?

All right?
It's crushed. I get it.

You don't think I would have
been a good comedian.

You sold me on that.

That's why I married you.
You don't have to reiterate it.

Are you guys
getting a divorce?

I'm open to it.

Yeah,
like you could be alone.

I wouldn't be alone.
Who's going with daddy?

All right, fine.
I'll make new kids.

So I set her up with
her own gallery on sunset.

Traitors.

What? Nothing.

Uh...

Do you remember
that comedy troupe

that we joined in college?

Yeah. Spray paint.

Oh, that was douchey,

with the colored shirts
and the white overalls.

And we'd end each scene
with...

Spray paint!

Spray paint!

You remember
that after party?

Hey, hey, hey.

If this is
about the gay thing,

I was drunk,
and nothing happened, pal.

Yeah, you can remember it
however you want,

but you and Leo
were real handsy.

No, dude.
Not in a million years.

Let's have kids.

Honey, you can't even
keep a plant alive.

Oh, believe me, if we had a kid,
I'd remember to water it.

You know what?

It's that kind of wit
that made me turn you.

Oh, don't flatter yourself.
You didn't turn me.

I was just in denial.

I think that's why I was
so angry when I was younger.

You are still angry.

But I think
you hide it a little better.

A kid would be so much fun.

Are you kidding?
I mean, you can't even

stop thinking about yourself
for five minutes.

How are you gonna
take care of a child

if you're still a child?

It would bring us
closer together.

And you think that's
a good reason to have a kid?

It's a reason.

It's selfish.

We've got to do something
to change things up.

I just think
you're too complacent.

You know what?
You should go to the gym.

Why? Do I look fat?
Am I unattractive to you now?

You look great.

I'm just tired of hearing
you talk about going to the gym,

and then
you don't go to the gym.

All right, I know. I know.

You're the only gay man I know that
doesn't enjoy going to the gym.

I get it, Leo.

The only reason that
you even want to have a kid

is 'cause you're bored.

And that's my fault.

I mean, I think that my success
has made you too comfortable.

I think that it's robbed you
of your creative drive.

You know what?

You should go back
to your one-man show.

Oh, which one?

The one about your mother's
eating disorder...

That was brilliant.

Yeah. But I couldn't perform
it until she died,

or I'd never
hear the end of it.

True.

You know I still love you,
right?

Yeah, I know.
I love you, too.

Remember back in the day,

we couldn't
keep our hands off each other.

I know.

You want to go blow me
in the men's room?

Get me out of here!

Get him out of there!

What?

Oh, nothing.
Nothing repressed.

Okay. So, what do you think?

About what? About the
role... Bobo The Hobo.

It's a real scene stealer.

You're always trying
to stow away

on bobcat goldthwait's
garbage truck.

And why is Bobo
trying to do that?

He thinks it's a spaceship.
Hilarious.

I-I think
you're using that word wrong.

You would kill.

And you'd expose yourself
to a bigger audience,

make a little bank.

When the movie comes out,

we could even plug it
on your podcast.

What do you need
the podcast for?

You're gonna have commercials
all over the place.

Every platform counts
these days.

Yeah, well,
I don't know how to say this

without sounding like a dick,
but, uh...

I think you're already
sounding like a dick.

All right, well, look.

It's just my podcast...
It's specific.

You know, I'm careful
about what I put on there.

You know, it's got integrity
to it, and I just don't want...

Man, don't give me
that integrity bullshit.

Funny is funny, right? Yeah.

No. Based on perception.
You know what?

This is typical Maron.

What does that even mean,
"typical Maron"?

Personally, I don't give
a rat's ass about your podcast

or the 10 people
that listen to it,

but it drives me crazy when
you give someone an opportunity

to break out
in a major feature film

and you can't even
show any gratitude.

You're just gonna piss it away,
right?

Yeah. Okay, yeah.

So Bobo The Hobo's
a breakout opportunity for me.

You know why you never made it?
Why?

You're afraid to try. Yeah?

You hide behind
this integrity bullshit

'cause it makes you feel good
about not being successful.

But admit it.
You're afraid of trying.

No, I'm not gonna admit that,
Danny, 'cause it's crap.

Just 'cause
I wasn't lucky enough

to direct
shitty big-budget movies

doesn't mean I didn't try.

I've been
letting this business

beat the crap out of me
for 25 years.

Believe me!

I wish I had the balls
not to try.

All right, buddy.
Take a break.

Thanks, man.

Two porterhouse steaks,
a seared ahi on Greens.

The guy wanted to know

if he could sub asparagus
with potatoes.

Oh, of course he can,

if he goes
to another restaurant.

I mean, look at this, Kelly.
It's beautiful.

I put a lot of thought
into these dishes.

I'm not just some mommy
pouring ketchup on noodles.

Yeah, you're a real artist.

Yes, I am. We all are.

Can you just do it
so I can get a decent tip?

You know, some day, Kelly,
you're gonna sleep with me,

and all this sexual tension
will be behind us.

Yeah.
It'll be worth it, though.

Yeah. Won't it?

'Cause afterwards,
it'll be awkward,

so I'll have to quit
and actually pursue my dreams.

Oh, don't fall
into that trap.

Best thing I ever did
was quit show business.

No more disappointment.
No more compromise.

Now if I fail,
it's completely on my terms.

That's a really beautiful sentiment.
Isn't it?

You know, there's a couple of
guys having sex in the bathroom.

Again?

What are we,
a hot spot on grindr?

I'll deal with it.
Tonight's our night, Kelly.

Mm-hmm.

Am I right? No.

So that's a no? Yeah.

Hey, you reached out to me.

Do you want health insurance
or not?

Not enough to kiss your ass.

Hey. Hey, come on.
Let's not end it this way, huh?

End what?

Just 'cause
we were friends decades ago

doesn't mean we have to
act like we like each other.

That's bullshit.
And you know what?

We used to keep
each other going.

Now, don't... don't hate me
because I'm successful.

Oh, my god. I don't hate you
because you're successful.

I hate you because
you say things like that.

Come on. Let me help you.

Don't let your ego
get in the way.

Look, man, I-I'm not knocking
what you do, all right?

You bring a lot of joy
to a lot of people.

I do. Okay.

I'm just not comfortable
playing a fool.

Well, fine. Fine.
Make the part your own.

How do you see it?

How do I see it? Yeah.

If you were given free rein,
how would you play it?

Can't you see it, man?

There is a "they," and they're
trying to control us.

They already do control us.

We are just
the pain puppets of the 1%.

I mean, it goes from...
From Wall Street to Madison Ave.

To 1600 Penn.,
right up our collective a...

Shut up!...
Right up our collective asses.

I mean, come on.

We're all living the lie

that the media-industrial
complex creates

to support the plans of
the military-industrial complex.

How clear does it have to be?

Wake up, sheeple.

All right. All right, yeah.

Maybe I can play this guy

and... and give him
sort of a weird dignity.

Yes, you can! Right?

Yeah.
Yeah, I can do it. Right?

Yeah. I mean, I don't have to
self-destruct all the time.

Right.

I'm gonna have my people
call your people,

and we'll make this happen.

All right?

Maybe there's some hope for you
after all, Maron.

Maybe. We're gonna do this.

Maybe!

I'm gonna do you proud, bro.

I don't know what day it is!

I don't know what day it is!

I don't know what day it is!

Aah! Aah!

Whoo!

Let's go to space!

Whoo!

And cut! Print!

Check the chip.

I'm gonna get CGI.

The garbage truck's
gonna up in outer space.

Fantastic, Marc. Great.

Thank you. Great job.

Thank you, Danny. Thank you.

Thank you, really.
Moving on.

All right. Next.

I got to be honest.
I had a great time playing Bobo.

I'm glad. Really. Literally.

In my entire career,

I've never been recognized
on the street.

But now people shout,
"hey, what day is it?!"

I'm like,
"I don't know what day it is!"

I don't know what day it is!

Exactly. I'm glad.

And you had a good time
doing it, right?

I never get tired of saying it,
and I had a good time doing it.

Yeah, you know, "Garbage Man"
might not be high art,

but, uh, it's funny,
and, uh...

Yeah, and funny. It's...
Touching.

It's like you said.
Funny is funny.

That's it.
No apologies necessary.

Yeah.
You know, I got to say,

even though my movies
make a lot of money,

I've always had
this nagging insecurity

that no one really
respected my stuff.

But for some reason...

Maybe 'cause you're in it

or maybe 'cause
this one's a little smarter,

I don't know, but, uh...

This one seems to resonate.

You know, even the hip,
indie crowd that loves you

are giving me props
for this one.

It's... it's nice.

Really?

I mean, and that stuff's
important to you?

It's hard to say, but, uh...

Yeah, it is.

Well, that's good, man.

A-a-and I got to be honest
with you.

It's hard to say this,

but I have always felt like
you were immensely talented.

Thank you. Thanks.
Sure, man.

You know, at some point,

you may think you know
what other people are thinking

or assume that they are thinking
the worst about you.

But I'd be willing to bet
that most of the time,

99% of the time, you're wrong,

because most of the time,

people are thinking
about themselves.

And the sooner you accept that,

the less likely you are
to put yourself in a position

that will
make you uncomfortable.

That makes sense, doesn't it?

I mean, insecurity is
what drives us into situations

that only add
to the pile of shit

that we're eventually gonna
have to dig ourselves out of

once we find ourselves,
like a wife you don't like

or a gay lover
you're not attracted to

or a... or a garbage truck
you think is a space ship.

Mostly just a garbage truck
you think is a space ship.

Yeah, that one.

Mostly that.

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