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Sync & corrections by emeline-whovian
www.addic7ed.com
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_
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TIM: So you said it felt like
a twitching in your ear canal?
4
00:00:09,996 --> 00:00:12,584
Yeah, and it hurts,
and it's driving me crazy.
5
00:00:12,605 --> 00:00:14,549
Oh, I think I see something. Oh.
6
00:00:14,777 --> 00:00:16,270
All right. (sighs)
7
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You are in the capable
hands of a doctor.
8
00:00:19,172 --> 00:00:20,435
- There.
- (grunts)
9
00:00:20,461 --> 00:00:21,856
- Ew, yuck.
- What?
10
00:00:21,881 --> 00:00:23,657
(gasps) Oh! It's so gross.
11
00:00:23,683 --> 00:00:25,906
- (gagging)
- What is it?
12
00:00:25,932 --> 00:00:27,633
There's a spider in your ear.
13
00:00:27,659 --> 00:00:29,405
Yeah, right, you put that in there.
14
00:00:29,431 --> 00:00:30,983
Oh, my God. I almost
barfed taking it out,
15
00:00:31,009 --> 00:00:32,506
you think I could've
gotten that in there?
16
00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:34,569
No! No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
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00:00:34,594 --> 00:00:37,236
That's disgusting.
That is so disgusting.
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00:00:37,262 --> 00:00:39,609
Tim, no one can know about
this, especially Matt.
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You know he is terrified of
spiders, and if he finds out,
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he will never come near me again.
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No, don't worry. You're protected
by doctor-patient confidentiality.
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00:00:45,565 --> 00:00:47,498
I'm gonna... Where'd it go?
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00:00:47,524 --> 00:00:49,314
- (gasping) It's still alive?
- Where is it?
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00:00:49,340 --> 00:00:51,520
- Aah, I don't know, I'm not a veterinarian.
- Oh, no.
25
00:00:52,144 --> 00:00:53,921
- (door closing)
- TIM: Heather.
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00:00:53,946 --> 00:00:55,437
Heather, Heather, Heather.
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00:00:55,463 --> 00:00:57,164
The craziest thing ever
happened at work.
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00:00:57,190 --> 00:00:59,515
- Ooh.
- Ah, but I can't say what,
29
00:00:59,541 --> 00:01:01,200
'cause I took a oath,
I could lose my license,
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00:01:01,226 --> 00:01:02,547
our whole family could go under.
31
00:01:02,573 --> 00:01:04,120
Well, then, keep it to yourself, babe.
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00:01:04,146 --> 00:01:06,377
All right, fine, I'll tell you,
but I'm not gonna say any names,
33
00:01:06,403 --> 00:01:08,825
and you can't say anything to anyone.
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00:01:09,125 --> 00:01:11,697
You guys will not believe what
happened to Tim the other day.
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00:01:12,198 --> 00:01:15,269
He pulled a spider out of someone's ear.
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(clattering)
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GREG: Do you know that if you have a bug
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00:01:19,621 --> 00:01:21,756
or any kind of insect living inside you,
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- you're not even a person anymore.
- Hmm.
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00:01:23,879 --> 00:01:25,425
You're just a host.
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00:01:25,490 --> 00:01:26,786
- Whoa.
- Interesting.
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JEN: You know what else you are?
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00:01:28,180 --> 00:01:30,090
Just disgusting.
44
00:01:30,115 --> 00:01:31,591
- Like, jump off a bridge.
- JEN: Yeah.
45
00:01:31,616 --> 00:01:33,367
- Purify yourself with fire.
- Yeah.
46
00:01:33,393 --> 00:01:34,603
Who farted?
47
00:01:34,629 --> 00:01:36,230
(laughs)
48
00:01:39,711 --> 00:01:40,854
I want to sue Tim.
49
00:01:40,940 --> 00:01:42,518
Ooh, okay. Yeah, let's do it.
50
00:01:42,544 --> 00:01:44,371
- Do you have a reason? It could be small.
- Yes I do.
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00:01:44,397 --> 00:01:46,218
He broke doctor-patient confidentiality.
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00:01:46,244 --> 00:01:48,555
He told Heather
about the spider in my ear.
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That was you?
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00:01:49,911 --> 00:01:51,917
Ugh, oh, my God. Oh, my God.
55
00:01:51,943 --> 00:01:53,553
I've used your headphones. (gasps)
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00:01:54,151 --> 00:01:55,161
And you know what? No.
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00:01:55,187 --> 00:01:57,081
Sadly, you don't have a case,
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because he didn't mention you by name.
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Can we lie?
60
00:02:00,218 --> 00:02:02,395
Well, yeah, but then
he could just sue you.
61
00:02:02,592 --> 00:02:05,070
Oh, man, this just keeps getting worse.
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00:02:05,267 --> 00:02:07,517
Okay, do you promise that you
won't tell anyone about this?
63
00:02:07,543 --> 00:02:08,931
Yeah, attorney-client privilege.
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00:02:08,957 --> 00:02:10,095
That's what Tim said.
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00:02:10,121 --> 00:02:11,480
Well, yeah, but I'm actually
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00:02:11,506 --> 00:02:12,982
good at my job, so...
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00:02:13,008 --> 00:02:14,876
Also, I'm gonna have
to charge you for this.
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00:02:18,309 --> 00:02:21,087
Oof. Do you believe Tim's gross story?
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Makes me want to sleep with headphones.
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00:02:23,034 --> 00:02:24,746
I'm glad you borrowed
that pair from Colleen.
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00:02:24,772 --> 00:02:27,646
You know, um, maybe it's best
we just leave it alone.
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00:02:27,672 --> 00:02:32,007
Like, weird things just,
sometimes, happen to people.
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That is so not what you said
when I fell up the stairs.
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00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:37,589
Well, I just wouldn't want that person
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00:02:37,615 --> 00:02:40,941
to overhear us, like, mocking
them, and then to feel bad.
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Are you saying that patient zero
is inside the house?
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I can't say.
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(gasps) But you only say that
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when you're representing someone.
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Are you representing them?
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00:02:50,068 --> 00:02:53,206
- Can't say.
- Wow, you are.
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00:02:53,447 --> 00:02:55,600
- Let's see. It isn't us.
- No.
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00:02:58,770 --> 00:03:00,446
(low, indistinct conversations)
84
00:03:01,091 --> 00:03:04,029
Okay. Heather brought it up, okay?
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00:03:04,055 --> 00:03:05,665
But Tim found it.
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00:03:05,691 --> 00:03:08,023
Nothing is getting
through my dad's ear hair,
87
00:03:08,049 --> 00:03:11,039
and Mom won't let Tim touch her. So...
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00:03:11,065 --> 00:03:12,374
(snaps fingers, gasps)
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00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:13,549
- Yes!
- No.
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00:03:13,575 --> 00:03:15,241
- Greg. Don't.
- Boom. I got it.
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00:03:15,267 --> 00:03:16,596
- Watch. Watch this.
- Greg.
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Greg... No.
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JEN: Greg.
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00:03:19,651 --> 00:03:20,727
Hey, Matt,
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guy with a bug in his ear says what?
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00:03:22,489 --> 00:03:23,589
Excuse me?
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00:03:23,615 --> 00:03:25,525
Ha! I thought so.
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00:03:25,551 --> 00:03:26,959
Yeah. 'Cause Jen told me
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00:03:26,985 --> 00:03:28,607
that Spider Guy was here in the house.
100
00:03:28,633 --> 00:03:30,532
Yeah. And I deduced that it's Matt
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00:03:30,558 --> 00:03:32,969
because I'm smart and you're gross.
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00:03:32,995 --> 00:03:34,538
Quick, everybody, make fun of Matt.
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00:03:34,732 --> 00:03:36,423
- Matt sucks.
- Good one, Dad.
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00:03:36,449 --> 00:03:38,727
You guys all know how I get
around spiders, right?
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00:03:38,981 --> 00:03:40,926
If one crawled out of my ear,
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00:03:40,952 --> 00:03:42,922
I would literally pull
a double van Gogh,
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00:03:42,948 --> 00:03:45,267
and die from what a filthy
little animal I am,
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00:03:45,293 --> 00:03:46,860
and based entirely on the way
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00:03:46,885 --> 00:03:49,683
that Colleen's palm sweat
has soaked through her pants,
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I'm thinking that this
story is about her.
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- Oh, my God!
- Damn it.
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None of this would've happened
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if you kept your big mouth shut, Tim.
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00:03:56,143 --> 00:03:58,504
Whoa! Ho, ho, ho, don't look at old Tim.
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00:03:58,530 --> 00:04:00,175
Heather's the one who
can't keep a secret.
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00:04:00,201 --> 00:04:02,709
Hey! Greg is the one
who started naming names.
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00:04:02,735 --> 00:04:04,243
What? No way. It's Jen's fault.
She's the one
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00:04:04,269 --> 00:04:05,432
who told me it was
someone in this house.
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00:04:05,458 --> 00:04:07,346
My fault? Colleen came
to me unsolicited,
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00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:08,557
and told me she wanted to sue Tim.
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00:04:08,583 --> 00:04:09,592
(scoffs) Get in line.
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00:04:09,618 --> 00:04:11,083
Ugh, this would've never happened
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00:04:11,109 --> 00:04:12,652
if you kept your big mouth shut, Tim!
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00:04:12,678 --> 00:04:15,140
Whoa! Ho, ho, ho, don't look at old Tim.
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00:04:15,166 --> 00:04:16,823
- Heather's the one who can't...
- Oh, hey, okay. Come on.
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00:04:16,848 --> 00:04:18,734
- We're not gonna go through this again.
- JOAN: No, that's enough.
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00:04:18,888 --> 00:04:20,805
A family doesn't behave like this.
128
00:04:20,831 --> 00:04:22,695
You don't go around blaming each other.
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00:04:22,721 --> 00:04:25,973
That being said, this is
absolutely your fault, Tim.
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00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:27,529
Whoa! Ho, ho, ho.
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00:04:27,555 --> 00:04:29,031
Whoa! Ho, ho, whoa, ho, ho.
132
00:04:29,057 --> 00:04:32,147
Confidentiality is never broken.
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00:04:32,927 --> 00:04:34,870
Especially in a family.
134
00:04:35,425 --> 00:04:37,249
I mean, you've all come
to me as a therapist.
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00:04:37,275 --> 00:04:38,814
How would you feel if I revealed
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00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:41,352
that one of you wet the bed
into adulthood?
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00:04:41,373 --> 00:04:42,883
Or had an emotional affair
138
00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:44,017
with your tennis coach?
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00:04:44,042 --> 00:04:45,518
Or, or got an erection
140
00:04:45,543 --> 00:04:47,435
during a Pixar movie?
141
00:04:47,461 --> 00:04:48,793
(clears throat)
142
00:04:52,074 --> 00:04:54,271
WALL-E looked like my first girlfriend.
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00:04:58,004 --> 00:04:59,519
_
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00:05:00,352 --> 00:05:02,035
So, Heather, you really think
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00:05:02,060 --> 00:05:04,531
he'll grow out of wanting to
sleep in our bed every night?
146
00:05:04,557 --> 00:05:06,968
Oh, yeah, come on, I told you
he'd learn to wipe himself
147
00:05:06,994 --> 00:05:08,733
- before middle school, didn't I?
- (door opens)
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00:05:08,759 --> 00:05:10,711
You are such a good mom, Heather.
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00:05:10,737 --> 00:05:12,047
- Oh, thank you.
- (door closes)
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00:05:12,073 --> 00:05:13,680
- Hi.
- Oh, hey!
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00:05:13,705 --> 00:05:14,915
Sorry, just wanted to come by
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00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:16,804
and bring back these hand-me-downs.
153
00:05:16,830 --> 00:05:19,133
No offense, but I think we
want to make our own stains.
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00:05:19,159 --> 00:05:20,286
(laughter)
155
00:05:20,312 --> 00:05:21,909
What are you, what are
you doing off of work?
156
00:05:21,935 --> 00:05:23,820
Oh, we had to take our vacation days.
157
00:05:23,846 --> 00:05:25,090
Yeah, one of the partners
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00:05:25,116 --> 00:05:26,317
had what the psychologist called
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00:05:26,343 --> 00:05:28,629
a "fecal freak-out"
in the office bathroom,
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00:05:28,655 --> 00:05:30,980
which was not something
HR wanted happening twice.
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00:05:31,006 --> 00:05:33,460
Oh, well, the exciting life of a lawyer.
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00:05:33,491 --> 00:05:36,091
You guys, this is my sister-in-law, Jen.
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00:05:36,117 --> 00:05:38,737
- Hi.
- This is Patty, Kevin's mom. Irene,
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00:05:38,763 --> 00:05:41,410
Daisy's mom, and Marsha
has the triplets.
165
00:05:41,725 --> 00:05:44,270
- Whoa.
- I love your necklace.
166
00:05:44,296 --> 00:05:46,078
Oh, thank you. It's new.
167
00:05:46,104 --> 00:05:48,127
- Yeah, my husband got it for me.
- Aw.
168
00:05:48,153 --> 00:05:49,539
He hasn't seen it yet.
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00:05:49,565 --> 00:05:51,275
(laughter)
170
00:05:51,436 --> 00:05:54,483
God, you look so nice,
and we're all just super cas.
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00:05:54,509 --> 00:05:56,238
Oh, well, hey, if it makes
you feel any better,
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00:05:56,264 --> 00:05:58,074
I haven't washed my bra in a month.
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00:05:58,100 --> 00:06:00,547
Well, I'm dressed casually
because I get puked on a lot.
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00:06:00,573 --> 00:06:02,817
Oh, yeah, I can imagine with triplets.
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00:06:02,843 --> 00:06:05,125
- And my husband's an alcoholic.
- (quietly): Yeah.
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00:06:05,151 --> 00:06:06,782
Oh, hey. Do you want a glass of wine?
177
00:06:07,180 --> 00:06:09,513
Listen, Marsha brought a whole box.
178
00:06:09,627 --> 00:06:12,152
Wow. White wine in the afternoon.
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00:06:12,178 --> 00:06:13,872
Feel like a dentist's wife.
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00:06:13,898 --> 00:06:15,408
(laughter)
181
00:06:15,433 --> 00:06:17,644
It was so nice hanging out with
other moms instead of lawyers.
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00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:19,487
You know? Like, I actually felt heard.
183
00:06:19,513 --> 00:06:21,193
Oh, honey, of course you're pretty.
184
00:06:21,219 --> 00:06:23,232
Hey, uh, I got this new
patch growing in the back,
185
00:06:23,258 --> 00:06:24,437
will you just do it for me?
186
00:06:24,475 --> 00:06:27,287
Y-You know, I think for
the sake of our marriage,
187
00:06:27,312 --> 00:06:29,451
we should just, each be responsible
for our own hair removal.
188
00:06:30,148 --> 00:06:33,950
(low, indistinct conversations)
189
00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:37,564
(laughter)
190
00:06:37,589 --> 00:06:38,917
Hey!
191
00:06:38,943 --> 00:06:41,020
ALL: Hi.
192
00:06:41,206 --> 00:06:43,102
Wow, you guys look so different.
193
00:06:43,128 --> 00:06:44,919
I didn't know that we
were showering today.
194
00:06:44,945 --> 00:06:46,822
- Take a seat. We got big news.
- Yeah.
195
00:06:46,848 --> 00:06:47,717
Oh, oh.
196
00:06:47,743 --> 00:06:49,955
Patty finally got her son
to sleep in his own bed.
197
00:06:49,981 --> 00:06:51,666
- Oh, Pat...
- JEN: Yeah. So,
198
00:06:51,692 --> 00:06:53,378
we just need to figure
out how to get Marsha
199
00:06:53,404 --> 00:06:55,280
to get her husband to
sleep in his own bed
200
00:06:55,306 --> 00:06:57,117
instead of in the driveway
with his head on the horn.
201
00:06:57,142 --> 00:06:59,048
(laughter)
202
00:06:59,074 --> 00:07:00,165
Okay.
203
00:07:01,112 --> 00:07:03,923
Yeah... O-Okay. But, yeah.
204
00:07:03,948 --> 00:07:06,099
Oh, yeah, she just waltzed in, you know,
205
00:07:06,125 --> 00:07:08,784
in her fancy clothes,
bragging about her job.
206
00:07:08,810 --> 00:07:10,630
Oh, that feels so good,
it's like a massage.
207
00:07:10,655 --> 00:07:11,866
- All right, all done.
- (buzzing stops)
208
00:07:11,892 --> 00:07:13,535
No, no, no, couple more minutes, please.
209
00:07:13,561 --> 00:07:15,271
- (buzzing resumes)
- Okay.
210
00:07:15,593 --> 00:07:17,441
All right, I know this sounds crazy,
211
00:07:17,706 --> 00:07:20,905
but I felt like the girls...
212
00:07:21,139 --> 00:07:22,754
like Jen better than they liked me.
213
00:07:22,780 --> 00:07:24,791
Ah, don't worry, the more
they get to know her,
214
00:07:24,817 --> 00:07:27,062
the more she'll make them
feel fat, dumb and bald.
215
00:07:27,088 --> 00:07:28,754
(sighs)
216
00:07:29,889 --> 00:07:33,435
Okay, ladies, it was not
easy with the book fair
217
00:07:33,461 --> 00:07:35,182
and the school gala coming up,
218
00:07:35,213 --> 00:07:37,151
but guess who got us all set up
219
00:07:37,177 --> 00:07:38,253
(singsongy): for spa day?
220
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:39,595
Was it Jen?
221
00:07:39,918 --> 00:07:42,354
No. No, it-it was me.
222
00:07:42,380 --> 00:07:44,924
It wasn't Jen, she's off
prioritizing work again,
223
00:07:44,950 --> 00:07:48,128
- but, guys, I-I set us up!
- (all chuckle)
224
00:07:48,154 --> 00:07:49,831
All right, let me text Jen
to make sure she can come.
225
00:07:49,857 --> 00:07:51,868
Oh, my God, you have
her number? Give it to me.
226
00:07:51,894 --> 00:07:53,572
Okay, guys? Hi... Listen, you know what?
227
00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:55,708
This is the only weekend that we can go,
228
00:07:55,733 --> 00:07:57,744
- so I don't think it really matters if Jen's available
- (phone chimes)
229
00:07:57,769 --> 00:07:59,445
- because we... Yeah?
- MARSHA: So Jen just texted,
230
00:07:59,471 --> 00:08:01,096
"In meeting," and then the
kitty Home Alone face,
231
00:08:01,122 --> 00:08:02,398
- IRENE: Mm!
- with a gun.
232
00:08:02,424 --> 00:08:04,123
(women laugh)
233
00:08:04,149 --> 00:08:06,947
(laughing): She's gonna kill
herself! Oh, my God, I get it!
234
00:08:06,973 --> 00:08:08,984
Wait, you don't think she's
really gonna do it, do you?
235
00:08:09,010 --> 00:08:11,790
No, I don't. I think there's
only one person in this room
236
00:08:11,816 --> 00:08:13,452
that's really gonna kill herself.
237
00:08:13,563 --> 00:08:16,007
(crying)
238
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:17,593
IRENE: Aw.
239
00:08:18,456 --> 00:08:19,732
(crying continues)
240
00:08:19,757 --> 00:08:21,224
(phone chiming)
241
00:08:22,981 --> 00:08:24,992
Hey, listen, Jen,
242
00:08:25,018 --> 00:08:26,961
I'm sorry that you can't
make it to spa day,
243
00:08:26,987 --> 00:08:28,673
but we can't just rearrange the schedule
244
00:08:28,699 --> 00:08:30,075
because you're busy with work.
245
00:08:30,101 --> 00:08:31,172
You know, we're busy, too.
246
00:08:31,198 --> 00:08:33,501
Okay, yeah, cool, so just go without me.
247
00:08:33,527 --> 00:08:35,857
Okay, well, they don't
want to go without you.
248
00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:37,258
That's the problem.
249
00:08:38,777 --> 00:08:41,471
You know, they're shaving
above the knee now.
250
00:08:41,497 --> 00:08:42,820
That's on you.
251
00:08:42,846 --> 00:08:45,158
Well, I'm honestly surprised
they have time to do that.
252
00:08:45,183 --> 00:08:47,594
- (phone chimes)
- I mean, these women with the group texting.
253
00:08:47,619 --> 00:08:49,006
It's like oy vay.
254
00:08:49,032 --> 00:08:51,915
Also, what does "black thumbs down,
255
00:08:51,941 --> 00:08:54,298
heart, heart, eggplant" mean?
256
00:08:54,324 --> 00:08:57,802
Well, Patty has a love-hate
thing with baba ghanoush.
257
00:08:57,830 --> 00:08:59,540
- Which you would know
- Oh, okay.
258
00:08:59,566 --> 00:09:02,675
if you were half as invested
in these women as I am.
259
00:09:02,700 --> 00:09:04,104
And, what... Are those free sodas?
260
00:09:04,130 --> 00:09:07,212
Yeah, yeah, they'll do anything
to keep us in the office.
261
00:09:07,238 --> 00:09:08,991
Oh, God, well, at least
you have an office.
262
00:09:09,041 --> 00:09:11,186
Tim fired me from the only
job that I've ever had.
263
00:09:11,212 --> 00:09:15,315
And now working moms judge
me because I stay at home.
264
00:09:15,341 --> 00:09:17,662
- Yeah, Heather, the thing is, like,
- (soda can opens)
265
00:09:17,688 --> 00:09:21,513
stay-at-home moms judge me
because I leave my kid all day.
266
00:09:21,539 --> 00:09:23,082
I guess I'll cut to the chase
267
00:09:23,108 --> 00:09:25,230
just because I'm-I'm losing
billable hours here.
268
00:09:25,256 --> 00:09:27,767
My point is, everyone judges everyone
269
00:09:27,792 --> 00:09:30,974
for everything and life is just,
really, a lose-lose.
270
00:09:31,325 --> 00:09:33,938
God, it is so good to hear you say that.
271
00:09:34,332 --> 00:09:36,809
I think what's best for us
is probably that
272
00:09:36,834 --> 00:09:39,512
I'm just not a part of your friend
group anymore. (typing on phone)
273
00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:41,144
Oh, honey, they are never
gonna let you go.
274
00:09:41,170 --> 00:09:43,449
Really? Watch this.
275
00:09:43,975 --> 00:09:45,975
(phone chimes)
276
00:09:47,949 --> 00:09:51,194
"Stop texting me all day,
I have a real job."
277
00:09:51,220 --> 00:09:52,330
(snaps fingers) Boom.
278
00:09:52,446 --> 00:09:55,091
That is so nuclear.
279
00:09:55,687 --> 00:09:56,756
Thank you.
280
00:09:57,121 --> 00:09:58,588
(quietly): Yep.
281
00:09:59,983 --> 00:10:02,404
But seriously, I do have a real job,
so you need to go.
282
00:10:02,430 --> 00:10:03,406
- Thank you.
- I'm just kidding.
283
00:10:03,432 --> 00:10:04,313
Yeah, okay.
284
00:10:06,185 --> 00:10:08,630
Marriage is like a
NASCAR race: it goes on,
285
00:10:08,656 --> 00:10:11,799
and on, and on, and on, and on,
and on, and on, and on forever,
286
00:10:11,825 --> 00:10:13,658
and in the end, there's only one winner.
287
00:10:14,137 --> 00:10:15,875
_
288
00:10:15,987 --> 00:10:18,565
Oh, weddings are so fun.
289
00:10:18,590 --> 00:10:19,823
(chuckles)
290
00:10:19,849 --> 00:10:21,963
Have you given any thought
to the guest list?
291
00:10:21,989 --> 00:10:25,355
Because my friends Elizabeth
and Margaret are a hoot.
292
00:10:25,381 --> 00:10:27,294
- Ooh.
- Their husbands just died,
293
00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:28,374
but they never bring that up
294
00:10:28,399 --> 00:10:30,510
- unless it's organic to the conversation.
- Mm.
295
00:10:30,535 --> 00:10:32,655
- Actually, Mom?
- What, honey?
296
00:10:32,681 --> 00:10:34,558
We've been trying to keep
costs low, so we're only
297
00:10:34,584 --> 00:10:36,434
- inviting the family to Mexico.
- COLLEEN: Mm-hmm.
298
00:10:36,474 --> 00:10:37,984
- Oh.
- (door opens)
299
00:10:38,179 --> 00:10:39,485
COLLEEN: Oh, but keep that
300
00:10:39,511 --> 00:10:40,620
to yourself 'cause a certain someone
301
00:10:40,645 --> 00:10:41,988
doesn't know yet
and she tends to respond
302
00:10:42,013 --> 00:10:43,937
really poorly to surprising news.
303
00:10:44,453 --> 00:10:46,789
It was supposed to be
partly sunny today.
304
00:10:46,815 --> 00:10:49,103
I put on a shirt for nothin'!
305
00:10:50,694 --> 00:10:51,803
God!
306
00:10:51,895 --> 00:10:53,465
What does she usually wear?
307
00:10:53,606 --> 00:10:56,164
She's been going through
a tube top phase.
308
00:10:59,097 --> 00:11:01,564
- Come here! Come here, come here, come here!
- Oh! Oh!
309
00:11:02,318 --> 00:11:04,123
I-If this is about drugs,
310
00:11:04,149 --> 00:11:05,911
I-I-I don't have any.
311
00:11:05,937 --> 00:11:08,364
Unless you also have osteoporosis.
312
00:11:08,390 --> 00:11:10,100
Nah, my bones are strong.
313
00:11:10,126 --> 00:11:12,900
I nursed straight from a cow for
the first six months of my life.
314
00:11:13,445 --> 00:11:16,108
I was actually hoping that you could
help me out with something.
315
00:11:16,714 --> 00:11:20,349
I got Matt and Colleen an
awesome wedding gift,
316
00:11:20,375 --> 00:11:22,639
but I want to keep it a surprise.
317
00:11:22,665 --> 00:11:24,911
And if they're anything
like me, the second
318
00:11:24,937 --> 00:11:26,099
I walk out of this house,
319
00:11:26,124 --> 00:11:29,029
they are sneaking in here,
trying on my pants.
320
00:11:29,281 --> 00:11:31,237
So could I store it at your place?
321
00:11:31,262 --> 00:11:32,472
Oh, sure.
322
00:11:32,497 --> 00:11:33,574
Oh, sweet.
323
00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:34,730
Check it out.
324
00:11:34,756 --> 00:11:36,342
I wanted to get something
325
00:11:36,367 --> 00:11:38,155
- they can really use.
- Yeah.
326
00:11:39,681 --> 00:11:40,747
Ooh.
327
00:11:40,772 --> 00:11:42,348
- (screams excitedly)
- (screams)
328
00:11:42,373 --> 00:11:44,017
- It's Dale Earnhardt!
- Ah!
329
00:11:44,042 --> 00:11:46,486
- Who?
- A racecar driver.
330
00:11:46,511 --> 00:11:47,809
Oh, yes, yes.
331
00:11:48,654 --> 00:11:50,339
I think that's Beethoven.
332
00:11:52,490 --> 00:11:54,924
Ah, son of a Ritz!
333
00:11:55,591 --> 00:11:58,402
Nobody wants this in their house.
334
00:11:58,537 --> 00:12:02,534
God, why would they sell
a Beethoven at a gas station?
335
00:12:02,560 --> 00:12:04,103
Dougie... (grunting)
336
00:12:04,128 --> 00:12:06,433
Don't-Don't be so hard on yourself.
337
00:12:06,794 --> 00:12:08,137
Ugh. What do you know?
338
00:12:08,163 --> 00:12:10,108
Just 'cause you carry a purse that zips,
339
00:12:10,134 --> 00:12:11,644
you think you know stuff?
340
00:12:11,669 --> 00:12:14,414
No, no, no, I'm just a therapist.
341
00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:16,751
Oh, that's how you make
your purse money, I get it.
342
00:12:16,777 --> 00:12:18,350
God, just quit bragging.
343
00:12:18,376 --> 00:12:19,944
- Well...
- I'm sorry.
344
00:12:20,778 --> 00:12:22,848
Do you think you could
help me out or what?
345
00:12:23,945 --> 00:12:27,451
Sure, we could, we could start
with three times a week
346
00:12:27,477 --> 00:12:28,661
and go up from there.
347
00:12:28,686 --> 00:12:31,230
No, no, no, I mean help me get a gift.
348
00:12:31,356 --> 00:12:32,732
I don't need a therapist.
349
00:12:32,757 --> 00:12:34,624
I am so normal.
350
00:12:34,759 --> 00:12:37,760
Dear, there's a very big
snake in your bed.
351
00:12:39,910 --> 00:12:41,174
You want to pet him?
352
00:12:42,834 --> 00:12:43,970
Hey, Joan?
353
00:12:44,243 --> 00:12:46,026
Joan, does this tiny, little cup
354
00:12:46,052 --> 00:12:47,770
make me look like Shakespeare?
355
00:12:48,178 --> 00:12:49,726
Four score and seven...
356
00:12:51,195 --> 00:12:53,622
And 80 bucks ago.
357
00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:54,695
Damn it!
358
00:12:54,746 --> 00:12:56,255
- Ugh.
- (glass shatters)
359
00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:58,524
- No, no, I'm so sorry.
- Oh!
360
00:12:58,549 --> 00:13:00,960
- I can't touch expensive things.
- Oh, no.
361
00:13:00,985 --> 00:13:03,363
We have this whole registry
to choose from.
362
00:13:03,388 --> 00:13:05,465
I need it to be awesome.
363
00:13:05,490 --> 00:13:07,626
This is my first destination wedding.
364
00:13:07,652 --> 00:13:09,062
And are the beaches nude?
365
00:13:09,088 --> 00:13:11,037
And if not, how steep is the fine
366
00:13:11,062 --> 00:13:12,605
for going nude on a beach
that's not nude?
367
00:13:12,630 --> 00:13:14,107
Also, do you want to room together?
368
00:13:14,132 --> 00:13:16,009
Oh... sure.
369
00:13:16,034 --> 00:13:18,444
I haven't received my invitation yet.
370
00:13:18,866 --> 00:13:20,984
Well, you can be my plus-one.
371
00:13:21,482 --> 00:13:23,919
Matt and Colleen are like family to me.
372
00:13:24,767 --> 00:13:27,620
They're the only real friends I have.
373
00:13:27,645 --> 00:13:28,655
So, you know?
374
00:13:28,681 --> 00:13:30,322
We're like... (laughs)
375
00:13:30,348 --> 00:13:31,724
- Okay, sweetie,
- Well...
376
00:13:31,749 --> 00:13:33,315
w-where are your shoes?
377
00:13:33,854 --> 00:13:36,062
Oh, I'm doing this whole,
like, Hawaiian thing.
378
00:13:36,087 --> 00:13:37,363
- Just, yeah.
- Yeah.
379
00:13:37,388 --> 00:13:38,905
But do you know where you left them?
380
00:13:38,931 --> 00:13:42,024
Uh, there's a turquoise stool somewhere.
381
00:13:42,050 --> 00:13:43,036
Okay.
382
00:13:43,061 --> 00:13:44,570
I just want to get your shoes, and then,
383
00:13:44,596 --> 00:13:46,419
we'll go shopping somewhere else.
384
00:13:46,445 --> 00:13:47,846
- All right.
- All right?
385
00:13:47,872 --> 00:13:50,306
- God, this-this feels nice.
- Come on, sweetie.
386
00:13:50,696 --> 00:13:52,111
I think you two need
387
00:13:52,136 --> 00:13:53,646
to invite Dougie to your wedding.
388
00:13:53,671 --> 00:13:56,162
What did you do, and how did
Dougie get pictures of it?
389
00:13:56,188 --> 00:13:57,954
No, because she has a good heart.
390
00:13:58,647 --> 00:14:00,319
It's on the wrong side,
391
00:14:00,344 --> 00:14:02,734
but then, apparently,
all her organs are.
392
00:14:03,269 --> 00:14:04,618
- Right.
- Uh-huh.
393
00:14:05,266 --> 00:14:06,893
I hung out with Dougie today.
394
00:14:06,918 --> 00:14:08,038
- Oh.
- Oh.
395
00:14:08,064 --> 00:14:10,596
Well, it's really sweet
that you're thinking of her, Joan,
396
00:14:10,621 --> 00:14:12,342
but we want to stick to family only.
397
00:14:12,590 --> 00:14:16,235
You know, sometimes family
isn't defined just by blood,
398
00:14:16,260 --> 00:14:18,871
which is no longer clotting
in her feet, by the way.
399
00:14:19,101 --> 00:14:21,380
Wow, you guys went deep today.
400
00:14:22,008 --> 00:14:23,551
(knock on door)
401
00:14:23,701 --> 00:14:26,546
Dougie, we wanted to talk
to you about something.
402
00:14:26,593 --> 00:14:28,614
These are absolutely my pants.
403
00:14:28,639 --> 00:14:30,083
Well, they're totally mine,
404
00:14:30,108 --> 00:14:31,374
but we want to talk to you
about something else.
405
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,052
We want to invite you to our wedding.
406
00:14:33,699 --> 00:14:35,550
I'm gonna be the maid of honor?
407
00:14:35,576 --> 00:14:36,656
- Ooh.
- Oh.
408
00:14:36,681 --> 00:14:38,659
All right, guys!
409
00:14:38,685 --> 00:14:40,316
- (laughs)
- You guys!
410
00:14:41,464 --> 00:14:43,307
Geez, I mean, what kind
of family would we be
411
00:14:43,333 --> 00:14:44,731
if we didn't support Mom's dreams?
412
00:14:44,822 --> 00:14:46,065
A regular one.
413
00:14:46,153 --> 00:14:48,551
Well, you can be regular.
I choose to be irregular.
414
00:14:48,883 --> 00:14:50,576
_
415
00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:54,362
I'd like to ask you all
a favor and I need you
416
00:14:54,388 --> 00:14:56,139
to be completely honest with me.
417
00:14:56,165 --> 00:14:57,477
I wonder if you would all
418
00:14:57,503 --> 00:15:00,134
read my book and give me your thoughts.
419
00:15:00,212 --> 00:15:01,772
(light muttering)
420
00:15:02,121 --> 00:15:03,164
I don't know, Joanie.
421
00:15:03,190 --> 00:15:06,302
Th-This was the week
I was finally gonna get into sushi.
422
00:15:06,459 --> 00:15:11,035
Well, Professor Wilde thinks that a
family gives the most honest feedback,
423
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:14,577
and he wants to moderate
a family book club over here.
424
00:15:14,603 --> 00:15:16,006
- JOHN: Oh.
- JEN: Oh, well...
425
00:15:16,032 --> 00:15:18,376
I wouldn't want to use
the bar mitzvah excuse again.
426
00:15:18,402 --> 00:15:20,309
You've never used that excuse.
427
00:15:20,335 --> 00:15:21,859
Oh, well, then that's what I have.
428
00:15:21,953 --> 00:15:25,729
Tim and I would love to,
but we just started the Bible.
429
00:15:25,755 --> 00:15:27,365
We heard great things.
430
00:15:27,391 --> 00:15:29,218
It's fine. It's all... it's fine.
431
00:15:29,244 --> 00:15:30,845
It's just fine.
432
00:15:30,871 --> 00:15:32,022
What are we talking about?
433
00:15:32,048 --> 00:15:33,733
Uh, Mom wants us all to read her book,
434
00:15:33,759 --> 00:15:36,240
but unfortunately, none of us can.
435
00:15:36,266 --> 00:15:39,002
What? Of course we can.
Come on, make the time, people.
436
00:15:39,028 --> 00:15:40,110
Chop-chop.
437
00:15:40,136 --> 00:15:42,113
Geez, I mean, what kind
of family would we be
438
00:15:42,139 --> 00:15:43,839
if we didn't support Mom's dreams?
439
00:15:46,908 --> 00:15:48,084
Sounds good to me.
440
00:15:48,109 --> 00:15:49,552
- Yeah, we really...
- I can't wait.
441
00:15:49,577 --> 00:15:51,754
- You know what, of course we'll read it.
- (overlapping chatter)
442
00:15:51,779 --> 00:15:53,589
Aw. Oh, thank you so much.
443
00:15:53,614 --> 00:15:55,958
- I'll go get the copies.
- Okay.
444
00:15:55,983 --> 00:15:58,061
And don't worry, it's-it's
really a quick read.
445
00:15:58,086 --> 00:15:59,429
Before you know it, you'll be like,
446
00:15:59,454 --> 00:16:02,465
"Oh, I'm on page 800. No way.
447
00:16:02,490 --> 00:16:04,600
- I just started."
- (laughter)
448
00:16:04,625 --> 00:16:06,469
I'll be right back.
449
00:16:06,494 --> 00:16:08,805
- (laughs)
- Thanks, Greg.
450
00:16:08,830 --> 00:16:12,952
Now we all have to read
800 pages of Mom's erotic fantasies.
451
00:16:12,978 --> 00:16:13,943
Oh, God.
452
00:16:13,968 --> 00:16:16,846
You know, I love Joan, but
I'm not gonna read 800 pages
453
00:16:16,871 --> 00:16:18,981
unless there's 800 Waldos to find.
454
00:16:19,083 --> 00:16:21,643
Yeah, and-and I still
have that bar mitzvah.
455
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:28,231
Oh. Son of Joan.
456
00:16:28,257 --> 00:16:30,293
- Yeah.
- Ah, Professor Wilde.
457
00:16:30,318 --> 00:16:31,561
Your mother invited me
458
00:16:31,586 --> 00:16:33,196
to facilitate this literary discussion.
459
00:16:33,221 --> 00:16:34,564
It also gives you a chance to purchase
460
00:16:34,589 --> 00:16:35,936
my own masterpiece.
461
00:16:36,204 --> 00:16:38,548
Professor Wilde's Wild Word Searches.
462
00:16:38,574 --> 00:16:40,076
Yes, and if books aren't your thing,
463
00:16:40,102 --> 00:16:42,901
I also operate a mobile car wash
464
00:16:42,927 --> 00:16:45,613
where you can also buy my book
should you change your mind.
465
00:16:45,639 --> 00:16:46,609
Oh.
466
00:16:46,634 --> 00:16:48,411
(chuckles)
467
00:16:49,483 --> 00:16:50,825
Yes, good.
468
00:16:52,226 --> 00:16:53,396
(groans)
469
00:16:53,422 --> 00:16:56,003
Hey, guys. You ready
to talk about Mom's book?
470
00:16:56,330 --> 00:16:59,488
Oh, man, I-I got to say,
I owe you an apology.
471
00:16:59,514 --> 00:17:01,055
Apology accepted.
472
00:17:01,081 --> 00:17:02,524
I thought this was fantastic.
473
00:17:02,550 --> 00:17:03,626
- Yeah.
- COLLEEN: Yes, yes.
474
00:17:03,651 --> 00:17:04,894
I mean, once I got used to the way
475
00:17:04,919 --> 00:17:06,229
- that she spelled vagina, I was hooked.
- Well...
476
00:17:06,254 --> 00:17:09,618
The woman knows longing and now so do I.
477
00:17:10,344 --> 00:17:12,829
Yeah, yeah. It's great.
I laughed out loud.
478
00:17:13,652 --> 00:17:14,870
Really?
479
00:17:15,062 --> 00:17:16,606
'Cause it was relentlessly sad.
480
00:17:16,631 --> 00:17:19,469
I mean, a baby died every few pages.
481
00:17:20,034 --> 00:17:21,844
Well, yeah, but between the dead babies,
482
00:17:21,869 --> 00:17:23,440
I mean, there were some solid laughs.
483
00:17:24,585 --> 00:17:26,883
(gasps) You didn't read it, did you?
484
00:17:26,908 --> 00:17:28,050
- (gasps)
- HEATHER: Uh-uh.
485
00:17:28,828 --> 00:17:29,952
Of course I did.
486
00:17:30,286 --> 00:17:31,821
Name one character.
487
00:17:32,555 --> 00:17:36,071
Bill Flar... gus.
488
00:17:36,097 --> 00:17:37,192
- Nope.
- (scoffs)
489
00:17:37,218 --> 00:17:38,940
Bill Flargus, Esquire?
490
00:17:39,489 --> 00:17:40,696
Okay, fine, I didn't read the book.
491
00:17:40,721 --> 00:17:42,198
- Oh! - Ah!
- Greg!
492
00:17:42,223 --> 00:17:43,633
Greg, come on, man!
493
00:17:43,875 --> 00:17:46,536
You are the only reason
that we did this.
494
00:17:46,561 --> 00:17:48,471
Yeah, I mean she dedicated
the book to you
495
00:17:48,496 --> 00:17:51,216
and there are, like, six
characters in there named Greg.
496
00:17:51,899 --> 00:17:55,044
Guys, it's not easy
being Mom's north star, okay?
497
00:17:55,315 --> 00:17:57,346
Look, just tell me what the book
is about and I'll fake it.
498
00:17:57,371 --> 00:17:58,381
- (laughs)
- Mm-mm.
499
00:17:58,406 --> 00:18:00,778
- Oh, no. N-N-N-N-No way.
- Mm.
500
00:18:00,804 --> 00:18:03,351
You guys are being
real immature, you know that?
501
00:18:03,562 --> 00:18:04,637
Daddy!
502
00:18:06,607 --> 00:18:08,558
Hey, Dad, um, I need your help.
503
00:18:08,914 --> 00:18:12,070
I didn't read Mom's book,
so, could you just tell me what happens?
504
00:18:12,140 --> 00:18:14,297
Aw, Greg, why didn't you read it?
505
00:18:14,322 --> 00:18:16,999
Well, that thing weighs a ton
and you know how bad my back is.
506
00:18:17,024 --> 00:18:18,367
I mean, once Mom put it in the car,
507
00:18:18,392 --> 00:18:19,590
there was no way it was coming out,
508
00:18:19,616 --> 00:18:21,811
and I don't read
while I drive, it's not safe.
509
00:18:21,837 --> 00:18:23,565
Well, that's a lousy excuse.
510
00:18:23,591 --> 00:18:26,850
All right, I'll tell you about
the book, but I got to warn you,
511
00:18:26,876 --> 00:18:28,912
there's a lot of vajinna talk.
512
00:18:30,936 --> 00:18:33,804
Well, thank you all for coming
together for Joan's book,
513
00:18:34,201 --> 00:18:36,901
which I personally
found incredibly banal.
514
00:18:36,927 --> 00:18:39,137
Oh, no. You didn't like it?
515
00:18:39,653 --> 00:18:41,800
- Oh, is-is that what that word means?
- Yeah.
516
00:18:41,826 --> 00:18:45,515
Oh dear, looks like I have some
online reviews I need to revise.
517
00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:47,125
- (Wilde laughs)
- (laughs lightly)
518
00:18:47,151 --> 00:18:50,196
Look, today I need you all
to be brutally honest with me.
519
00:18:50,221 --> 00:18:52,198
Well, in that case,
I saw Professor Wilde
520
00:18:52,223 --> 00:18:54,838
- going through your underwear drawer.
- (laughs nervously)
521
00:18:54,864 --> 00:18:58,066
Greg, why don't you just
get us started here?
522
00:18:58,092 --> 00:18:59,098
Yes, Gregory,
523
00:18:59,124 --> 00:19:01,095
- we'd love to hear your thoughts.
- Yeah.
524
00:19:01,121 --> 00:19:04,343
Well, Matthew, Heather, I
would be delighted to discuss
525
00:19:04,368 --> 00:19:06,857
our mutual mother's novel,
'cause I, for one, loved it.
526
00:19:07,227 --> 00:19:08,873
I thought it was fantastic.
527
00:19:08,899 --> 00:19:11,317
I mean really, just incredible
stuff all around.
528
00:19:11,342 --> 00:19:13,978
Inspired, really. I mean,
especially that ending.
529
00:19:14,004 --> 00:19:14,909
I didn't see it coming.
530
00:19:14,935 --> 00:19:15,921
- Mm.
- Oh, right.
531
00:19:15,946 --> 00:19:17,156
I mean, when the murderer
532
00:19:17,181 --> 00:19:18,991
turns out to be the palomino, I mean.
533
00:19:19,016 --> 00:19:20,382
What palomino?
534
00:19:21,156 --> 00:19:24,101
The palomino with the, uh, the, uh,
535
00:19:24,127 --> 00:19:26,498
the v-v-v-vajinna, the fajita.
536
00:19:26,524 --> 00:19:27,600
- Wh... uh...
- Mm-hmm.
537
00:19:27,625 --> 00:19:29,168
Oh, you didn't read it, did you?
538
00:19:29,686 --> 00:19:32,463
- (whistles)
- You set me up?! Dad!
539
00:19:32,489 --> 00:19:34,167
- Oh, Gregory.
- Mm.
540
00:19:34,193 --> 00:19:37,308
- I can't believe you didn't read
our mutual mother's book. - God.
541
00:19:37,334 --> 00:19:39,144
HEATHER: The important thing here
542
00:19:39,169 --> 00:19:42,815
is that Greg proved himself
to be a huge disappointment.
543
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:44,332
Huge.
544
00:19:44,358 --> 00:19:49,138
Wait, I... your lie has
given me an-an idea.
545
00:19:49,164 --> 00:19:54,232
What if Judge Jasmine has been lying
to cover up the fact
546
00:19:54,258 --> 00:19:57,879
that she gave away her
love child, Greg, years ago.
547
00:19:57,905 --> 00:19:59,331
Oh, that-that's brilliant.
548
00:19:59,356 --> 00:20:00,699
- Yes!
- What's funny is, I was thinking
549
00:20:00,724 --> 00:20:02,768
just the exact same idea
right after you said it.
550
00:20:02,793 --> 00:20:05,041
I mean it's genius.
551
00:20:05,067 --> 00:20:07,489
And I don't just bandy
that word around, you know?
552
00:20:07,515 --> 00:20:09,291
Well, it's actually here on your card.
553
00:20:09,366 --> 00:20:11,855
It says, "Genius Car Detail.
554
00:20:11,881 --> 00:20:13,712
Have your car washed by a genius."
555
00:20:13,939 --> 00:20:15,405
Thank you, honey.
556
00:20:15,863 --> 00:20:18,541
Your lie saved my book.
557
00:20:18,809 --> 00:20:20,744
- Oh, boo.
- Boo.
558
00:20:20,770 --> 00:20:23,691
Well, h-happy to help, Mom,
in any way I can.
559
00:20:24,746 --> 00:20:27,493
And, uh, I know I speak
for everyone here,
560
00:20:27,518 --> 00:20:29,094
especially Matthew and Heather,
561
00:20:29,119 --> 00:20:31,458
when I say we can't wait
to read your rewrite.
562
00:20:31,755 --> 00:20:35,657
- Yeah.
- Yeah, we're looking forward to it.
563
00:20:35,707 --> 00:20:40,257
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