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DENNIS: Okay, gather round,
everybody, gather round.
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00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:05,054
Gather round, please.
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00:00:05,122 --> 00:00:06,856
I have a, uh, a presentation.
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00:00:06,923 --> 00:00:08,691
Now, because of everyone's
A.D.D., I know I'm gonna
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00:00:08,759 --> 00:00:10,326
lose your attention in
about three minutes,
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00:00:10,394 --> 00:00:11,794
and, uh, Frank's gonna fall asleep.
FRANK: No way.
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00:00:11,862 --> 00:00:14,297
I slept 26 hours last night.
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You still seem very sleepy.
Can I start my presentation?
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00:00:16,833 --> 00:00:19,302
Where's the easel?
No, no, I'm not using an easel-- don't interrupt.
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00:00:19,369 --> 00:00:21,270
You want me to go get the projector?
No, I don't want the projector.
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00:00:21,338 --> 00:00:23,139
And I don't want the easel.
What are you gonna point with?
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00:00:23,206 --> 00:00:24,640
Don't want whatever the
hell you're gonna say.
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00:00:24,708 --> 00:00:27,023
'Cause it's all gonna be old
and outdated, all right?
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00:00:27,143 --> 00:00:28,710
Let me start my presentation,
which is actually about that.
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00:00:28,778 --> 00:00:30,045
It's about innovation.
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00:00:30,113 --> 00:00:32,214
Not taking questions.
Goddamn.
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00:00:32,282 --> 00:00:34,082
Let me do my thing, okay?
Stop interrupting.
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00:00:34,150 --> 00:00:38,053
Okay, so, um, as we all know,
um, tomorrow is St. Paddy's Day,
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traditionally our
most profitable day.
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00:00:39,856 --> 00:00:43,091
However, recently, profits
have been declining.
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00:00:43,159 --> 00:00:45,627
Every year.
And we need to change.
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00:00:45,695 --> 00:00:47,362
We need innovation.
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00:00:47,430 --> 00:00:48,997
We need to move Paddy's
from the past and into...
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00:00:49,065 --> 00:00:52,067
the future,
a mobile Paddy wagon.
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00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:53,769
Now, these days, people like
to have things on demand.
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00:00:53,836 --> 00:00:56,138
So instead of having
to go to a bar,
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we will bring the bar to you.
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00:00:58,975 --> 00:01:01,343
Ooh, is that, like, a car
service type of thing?
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00:01:01,411 --> 00:01:03,278
Where we pick people up and
take 'em around from bar to bar
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and jack up the prices?
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That's actually a really good idea.
Uh, no.
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The Paddy's wagon is the bar.
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MAC: No, Dennis.
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If we want to make money,
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we need to honor ancient
Irish traditions,
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like serving an irresponsible
amount of booze to people
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who are genetically predisposed
to having alcohol problems.
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CHARLIE: Right.
MAC: You see,
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00:01:19,529 --> 00:01:20,929
St. Patrick started
that tradition,
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and that's why we
celebrate him today.
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00:01:22,365 --> 00:01:23,732
Yeah... No, that's
not what he did.
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No, he-he played
the flute for some kids,
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and then he lured them
into a cave somewhere,
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and he diddled them.
FRANK: Nah.
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You got him mixed up with the Pied Piper.
Right.
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FRANK: St. Patrick didn't
play the flute.
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He drove the kids
out of Ireland.
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And then he molested 'em.
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No, no, if-if St. Patrick
molested kids,
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he would be regarded as a scoundrel.
No, no, no.
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00:01:41,217 --> 00:01:43,552
I feel like, in the olden days
of the Catholic Church,
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pedophiles were
regarded as heroes.
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All right, all right,
look, g-guys, uh,
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St. Patrick didn't do
any of that shit, okay?
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He drove the snakes
out of Ireland.
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00:01:49,892 --> 00:01:51,259
Uh, I-I don't know
about all this.
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I kind of want to just do
the traditional thing
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of, like, sticking
around the bar
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and-and trying to catch the leprechaun.
No, no!
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00:01:55,765 --> 00:01:57,366
No, we don't want to do a
leprechaun thing again.
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00:01:57,433 --> 00:01:59,368
Stop, stop, guys...
I'm gonna catch one.
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I'm, like, this close.
You're not gonna catch him
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because he doesn't exist.
Guys, please...
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00:02:02,839 --> 00:02:04,159
You know what...
I don't even know
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00:02:04,207 --> 00:02:05,640
if I've set up
my glue traps for him yet.
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00:02:05,708 --> 00:02:07,009
Charlie, enough
with the leprechaun!
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00:02:07,076 --> 00:02:08,677
I mean, can you believe him?
Okay, wait.
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00:02:08,745 --> 00:02:11,079
Who cares? Look, I'm trying to...
You know what,
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00:02:11,147 --> 00:02:12,981
actually-- I might
want to get myself a flute.
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00:02:13,049 --> 00:02:14,716
I was thinking the same thing.
We've been talking... you were?
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00:02:14,784 --> 00:02:16,418
Yeah, because I-I feel like
it's a really fun...
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DEE: I know we're kind of old, but...
Go get a flute?
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Go get a flute, yeah.
Go get... go get a flute!
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Everybody go get a flute!
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DEE: ...in the sixth grade,
I feel like it's kind of simple.
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(sighs heavily)
Frank, look...
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All right, let me
explain it to you, at least.
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00:02:26,963 --> 00:02:28,063
(snoring)
No, he's gone.
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Okay.
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00:02:54,490 --> 00:02:56,750
So, Frank, here's the plan.
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00:02:56,850 --> 00:02:59,620
We're gonna fill the wagon
with hip, attractive clientele.
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00:02:59,690 --> 00:03:01,550
We're gonna use my streamlined
system to process drink orders.
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00:03:01,620 --> 00:03:02,960
We're gonna take photographs
with a retro filter
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00:03:03,020 --> 00:03:04,420
for the Web site.
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00:03:04,490 --> 00:03:06,360
And that will entice
future end users
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00:03:06,430 --> 00:03:08,360
to comment
and spread brand awareness
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00:03:08,430 --> 00:03:10,560
over various
social media platforms.
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00:03:10,630 --> 00:03:12,270
That seems insanely complicated.
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00:03:12,330 --> 00:03:14,300
Why don't we just take cash?
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00:03:14,370 --> 00:03:15,640
No, no, no, no. What I'm talking
about's way simpler than cash.
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00:03:15,700 --> 00:03:17,670
It's-it's streamlined.
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00:03:17,740 --> 00:03:19,870
I'm lost. It's... I'm
trying to explain it to you
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and I feel like you're not
even listening. I-I...
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(Irish accent): Top o' the morning,
you filthy lads.
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I'm fixing to have a whale of
a time in this here mobile pub.
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00:03:27,650 --> 00:03:29,020
I'm so sorry-- what is this?
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Crazy Paddy, you big, dumb arse.
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(laughs)
Yeah. Why?
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'Cause it's fun.
No.
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I thought that's the thing
about St. Patrick's Day--
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people want clownery and-and
they want to embrace
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the Irish stereotypes. No, no, no.
This isn't innovative.
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It's outdated and it's gonna
offend people.
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00:03:44,260 --> 00:03:46,470
Well, I brought my piece in case
anybody gets out of line. Oh, I...
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Okay, Frank, Frank,
look-- no guns.
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Let go.
No guns, no costumes.
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Trust me, I got this.
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Frank, you're gonna drive.
Drive.
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00:03:54,010 --> 00:03:55,340
Okay, Dee, you're
gonna serve drinks. In the back.
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As a human being.
A real one.
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00:03:57,340 --> 00:03:58,480
Mm.
Guys,
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I'm gonna provide...
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the experience.
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(Irish jig plays)
BOTH: Ooh.
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00:04:03,420 --> 00:04:04,580
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, right?
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Yeah, I like this. Nice.
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00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:08,120
I... See, I told you.
I know what I'm doing.
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Come on, let's go.
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Frank, you're driving.
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00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:13,360
Okay. Here we go.
(engine starts)
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Ho! Check it out, Mac--
got some cool stuff.
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00:04:21,070 --> 00:04:23,540
I got some green paint
and I found a snake.
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00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:26,170
Great. Why?
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You know, the snakes, 'cause,
like, we... I don't remember
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where we landed on St. Paddy,
but I remember snakes
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were involved. And the green
paint's for the, uh, beer.
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00:04:32,350 --> 00:04:34,480
Okay, love the snake.
Great catch there.
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00:04:34,550 --> 00:04:36,520
But why not just use food
coloring for the beer?
129
00:04:36,580 --> 00:04:37,980
Uh, 'cause beer's not a food.
130
00:04:38,050 --> 00:04:39,690
When was the last time
you ate a beer?
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00:04:39,750 --> 00:04:41,270
When was the last time
you drank paint?
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00:04:44,020 --> 00:04:45,180
Have you been drinking paint?
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00:04:47,060 --> 00:04:48,290
No.
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00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:49,830
Let me see your tongue.
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00:04:49,900 --> 00:04:52,160
Oh, my God, dude!
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00:04:52,230 --> 00:04:55,430
Oh, that shit's just disgusting!
It's not bad.
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00:04:55,500 --> 00:04:57,540
You... you can't drink paint. I know.
I hear you, I hear you.
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00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,540
You say that, but I don't think
that you're gonna stop.
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00:04:59,610 --> 00:05:01,570
Yeah, I get it, though, man.
It's, uh... Right.
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00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:03,940
I-I feel like you're saying you
get it, but you don't get it.
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00:05:04,010 --> 00:05:05,510
It's cool.
It's not cool.
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It is what it is.
Oh, my God,
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00:05:06,810 --> 00:05:08,110
this is so frustrating!
Look,
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I'm gonna go down
to the basement
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00:05:09,650 --> 00:05:11,850
and I'm gonna check
out my glue traps
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and see if I, you know, got a leprechaun
in there. Wait, no, no, no, no.
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00:05:13,290 --> 00:05:15,760
What... We said
no leprechaun this year.
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00:05:15,820 --> 00:05:17,590
You're not chasing leprechauns.
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00:05:17,660 --> 00:05:19,430
I know, and I kind of forgot
where we landed on that.
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00:05:19,490 --> 00:05:21,760
I got these great cookie sheets,
they're filled with glue, so...
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00:05:21,830 --> 00:05:23,830
But I-I hear you,
I hear you.
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It's a frustrating thing.
It's like the guy doesn't
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listen to us, man, when we're
trying to get through to him.
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It's a bummer.
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00:05:32,870 --> 00:05:34,840
No, not you.
Keep moving, let's go,
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00:05:34,910 --> 00:05:36,840
come on.
You kidding me?
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00:05:36,910 --> 00:05:40,550
Oh, oh, h-hey-hey,
there, fellas.
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00:05:40,610 --> 00:05:42,280
What's going on?
Where you going? You know what?
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00:05:42,350 --> 00:05:44,520
Don't answer that.
Because I already know.
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00:05:44,580 --> 00:05:46,290
You're going for a ride
in the Paddy's Wagon.
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00:05:46,350 --> 00:05:48,720
Oh, cool. Is this,
like, a car service thing?
162
00:05:48,790 --> 00:05:50,390
Hey, can you take us
to Center City?
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00:05:50,460 --> 00:05:52,660
No, it's not a goddamn car
service. Why does everyone...
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00:05:52,730 --> 00:05:54,960
(Irish accent): You get in that
wagon right now or I'm gonna
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00:05:55,030 --> 00:05:56,900
sock you a good one
right in the kisser!
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00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:59,130
(forced laugh)
Yeah, you dumb bi...
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00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:01,330
What the hell are you doing?
Uh, just innovating.
168
00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:03,100
I took the Paddy's wig
and I cut it
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00:06:03,170 --> 00:06:04,970
into an awesome beard.
Great new character. No.
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00:06:05,010 --> 00:06:06,010
Hilarious.
You've just created another
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00:06:06,070 --> 00:06:07,810
offensive Irish stereotype, Dee.
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00:06:07,870 --> 00:06:09,840
The Fighting Irish--
I-it's true.
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00:06:09,910 --> 00:06:10,940
I mean, that's what Irish people do.
That is not what...
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00:06:11,010 --> 00:06:12,580
They get drunk,
they fight people.
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00:06:12,650 --> 00:06:13,610
All right, I'm trying to give
these guys... Look, guys,
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00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:15,110
don't pay attention to her.
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00:06:15,180 --> 00:06:16,550
I-I want to give you
an authentic, um, uh,
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00:06:16,620 --> 00:06:18,280
once-in-a-lifetime
experience here.
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00:06:18,350 --> 00:06:20,520
Oh. Oh, wait, so is
this, like, a bang bus?
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00:06:20,590 --> 00:06:22,520
No, no, no, no, no.
It's not a bang bus, okay?
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00:06:22,590 --> 00:06:24,120
Look... Just get in the wagon,
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00:06:24,190 --> 00:06:25,790
I'll give you a ride
to Center City.
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00:06:25,860 --> 00:06:27,690
Get in.
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00:06:31,060 --> 00:06:32,800
DENNIS:
Gentlemen,
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00:06:32,870 --> 00:06:35,000
let me walk you through how
our simple business works.
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00:06:35,070 --> 00:06:36,500
God, take it easy, Frank!
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00:06:36,570 --> 00:06:38,670
Don't tell me
how to drive, you bitch.
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00:06:38,740 --> 00:06:41,310
Let... Let's keep it light for
the customers, all right, Frank?
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00:06:41,370 --> 00:06:43,680
As I was saying, fellas,
uh, what you're gonna
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00:06:43,740 --> 00:06:45,100
need to do is you,
uh, you're gonna
191
00:06:45,150 --> 00:06:46,350
take a picture of this QR code,
192
00:06:46,380 --> 00:06:48,010
you're gonna download the app,
193
00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:50,020
log in using Facebook,
and you're gonna watch
194
00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:52,080
a-a brief, 30-second
advertisement.
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00:06:52,150 --> 00:06:54,390
And then once we receive
your online order,
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00:06:54,450 --> 00:06:55,990
you will promptly
be served a beer.
197
00:06:56,060 --> 00:06:58,420
Can't I just pay you cash?
That's what I... Yeah.
198
00:06:58,490 --> 00:06:59,730
Well, no, cash is the way
199
00:06:59,790 --> 00:07:01,130
that antiquated
companies do business.
200
00:07:01,190 --> 00:07:02,560
Yeah, I just want a beer.
I don't really
201
00:07:02,630 --> 00:07:03,960
want you to have
all my personal information.
202
00:07:04,030 --> 00:07:05,330
A beer.
Just want a beer.
203
00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:06,670
Don't want you to have my...
204
00:07:06,730 --> 00:07:08,170
(Dee and Dennis laugh)
Yeah.
205
00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:09,770
Look, man, um, if I
just gave you a beer,
206
00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:11,200
and you just gave me cash,
207
00:07:11,270 --> 00:07:12,670
then you wouldn't
be able to experience
208
00:07:12,740 --> 00:07:14,270
everything that we've
got to offer here, okay?
209
00:07:14,340 --> 00:07:16,810
Look, I'll show you. This...
Let me just pull up my...
210
00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:18,840
I got a little presentation
here that I put together.
211
00:07:18,910 --> 00:07:21,610
But, uh, can't get the goddamn
thing to... to go online.
212
00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:23,650
I don't have a signal here.
Goddamn it. You know what?
213
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:25,960
Dee, uh, why don't you just
give him a couple free beers?
214
00:07:26,020 --> 00:07:27,450
We'll-we'll call
'em "freemiums."
215
00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:29,280
Don't know if you're
familiar with that term.
216
00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:32,190
This is like all foam.
Dee, you goddamn bitch!
217
00:07:32,260 --> 00:07:33,700
Hey! Oh, this thing's
bouncing around
218
00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:35,260
like a pinball.
Don't blame me.
219
00:07:35,330 --> 00:07:36,730
FRANK: Keep it light,
you bitch!
220
00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:38,300
All right.
Yeah, this is weird to me.
221
00:07:38,370 --> 00:07:40,130
Can we just get out here?
222
00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:43,140
Hey, it's locked.
Can you guys let us out?
223
00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:46,710
No, I'm not gonna let you out. Screw this.
I'm calling the cops.
224
00:07:46,770 --> 00:07:48,670
Why would you call the cops?
We're just hanging out, man!
225
00:07:48,740 --> 00:07:50,240
All right, stop, stop, stop.
226
00:07:50,310 --> 00:07:52,080
All right, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh. Push "end." End.
227
00:07:52,150 --> 00:07:55,080
(phone chimes) Give the
phones to the girl.
228
00:07:55,150 --> 00:07:57,280
Let's go, guys. I don't want
to have to do this shit.
229
00:07:57,350 --> 00:07:59,950
Frank, we got to
pivot the business.
230
00:08:00,020 --> 00:08:01,890
FRANK:
Mm-hmm.
231
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:03,190
Come on, get the hell out.
Everybody out.
232
00:08:03,260 --> 00:08:04,860
Out, out, out, out,
out, out, out, out.
233
00:08:04,930 --> 00:08:06,760
All right.
(clears throat)
234
00:08:06,830 --> 00:08:08,460
Don't worry. We're gonna mail
your phones back to you, but
235
00:08:08,530 --> 00:08:11,130
we're gonna need your addresses,
so fork over your I.D.'s.
236
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:12,730
Let's go. Come on.
And their money.
237
00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:14,130
We can't have 'em
cabbing it back to the city
238
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:15,670
and going straight to the cops.
239
00:08:15,740 --> 00:08:17,340
(scoffs) Goddamn it.
That's a good point.
240
00:08:17,370 --> 00:08:19,140
Okay, you know what?
Dee, collect their wallets.
241
00:08:19,210 --> 00:08:20,410
Don't worry, guys.
We're not thieves.
242
00:08:20,470 --> 00:08:21,840
You'll get your
wallets back, too.
243
00:08:21,910 --> 00:08:24,110
Yeah. Don't be babies.
All right, uh,
244
00:08:24,180 --> 00:08:25,580
come on, come on, guys,
let's go, let's go.
245
00:08:25,650 --> 00:08:26,910
Let's go.
Shut the doors.
246
00:08:32,950 --> 00:08:35,690
Did we just kidnap
and rob those guys?
247
00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:37,690
We just drove the
snakes out of Philly,
248
00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:39,260
the way St. Patrick did.
249
00:08:39,330 --> 00:08:40,860
Oh!
250
00:08:40,930 --> 00:08:42,160
So, what you're saying is,
251
00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:43,960
technically, we gave those guys
252
00:08:44,030 --> 00:08:46,130
a very authentic
St. Patty's Day experience.
253
00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:47,600
Oh.
Yeah.
254
00:08:47,670 --> 00:08:49,030
Nice.
In a way.
255
00:08:49,100 --> 00:08:50,670
Oh. All right.
256
00:08:50,740 --> 00:08:52,840
That's good. That's good. Yeah.
257
00:08:57,760 --> 00:09:00,600
Okay, okay, okay, okay. Here.
258
00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:02,410
Jesus Christ, where's Charlie?
259
00:09:02,510 --> 00:09:06,080
Hey, Mac, somebody stole my damn wallet.
What?!
260
00:09:06,150 --> 00:09:07,910
Beat it! Beat it, Mauricio!
I need to talk to Mac.
261
00:09:07,980 --> 00:09:09,380
Charlie, where have
you been, dude?
262
00:09:09,450 --> 00:09:12,030
I can't run the bar by myself
and do security.
263
00:09:12,150 --> 00:09:13,420
People are getting
their wallets stolen.
264
00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:14,980
Okay, uh, look, just come
265
00:09:15,050 --> 00:09:16,650
to the basement with me,
like, really quick.
266
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:17,920
Goddamn it! All right.
267
00:09:17,990 --> 00:09:18,990
Attention, everybody.
268
00:09:19,020 --> 00:09:20,390
Irish honor system.
269
00:09:20,460 --> 00:09:22,460
Please serve yourselves.
270
00:09:22,530 --> 00:09:25,160
Put the money in the bucket.
Thank you. (cheering)
271
00:09:25,230 --> 00:09:27,300
Uh, I don't think the Irish
honor system's a thing, man.
272
00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:28,400
Oh, it's a thing.
273
00:09:28,460 --> 00:09:29,300
It's an ancient Irish tradition.
274
00:09:29,370 --> 00:09:30,730
Know your history, bro.
275
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:32,200
What could possibly
be so important?
276
00:09:33,500 --> 00:09:36,070
Charlie...
277
00:09:36,140 --> 00:09:37,940
what the hell am I looking at?
278
00:09:38,010 --> 00:09:39,780
(groaning and muttering)
279
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,480
CHARLIE: I caught him.
280
00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:43,510
Wake up that son of a bitch.
281
00:09:43,580 --> 00:09:44,710
Dude, I think you've
kidnapped a little person.
282
00:09:44,780 --> 00:09:46,450
Huh?
283
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:48,720
Nah... nah, nah.
First of all,
284
00:09:48,790 --> 00:09:50,320
I've captured
a leprechaun, okay?
285
00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:52,230
You wouldn't say,
"I kidnapped Bigfoot," right?
286
00:09:52,290 --> 00:09:53,990
You'd say,
"I captured Bigfoot."
287
00:09:54,060 --> 00:09:56,390
Well, that may be true,
but leprechauns aren't real.
288
00:09:56,460 --> 00:09:57,860
So what we're dealing with here
289
00:09:57,930 --> 00:09:59,460
is a little person
in a glue trap.
290
00:09:59,530 --> 00:10:00,960
Yeah, I thought about that,
ruled it out, okay?
291
00:10:01,030 --> 00:10:02,430
'Cause the basement door
is locked, so unless
292
00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:04,130
he's a being
who's unrestrained by the laws
293
00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:06,130
of the physical world,
he's not getting down here, man.
294
00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:07,570
Dude, if he is a human being,
295
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,370
he's going to sue
the shit out of us.
296
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:11,200
If he's a leprechaun,
he's got a pot of gold.
297
00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:12,470
Yeah...
298
00:10:12,540 --> 00:10:13,810
Well, yeah,
that's... No, no.
299
00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:14,940
Well, let's not rule
one out over the other.
300
00:10:15,010 --> 00:10:16,410
I mean, it's very weird
301
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:17,680
that he's down here, right?
302
00:10:17,750 --> 00:10:19,380
MAC:
Okay. Let's ask him.
303
00:10:19,450 --> 00:10:23,020
Uh, sir, I'm gonna ask
you a direct question.
304
00:10:23,090 --> 00:10:26,990
Are you now or have you
ever been a leprechaun?
305
00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:29,560
No, I'm not
a goddamn leprechaun!
306
00:10:29,630 --> 00:10:31,030
Please... It was
pretty convincing.
307
00:10:31,090 --> 00:10:32,860
Are you kidding me?
308
00:10:32,930 --> 00:10:35,090
If he's a leprechaun, that's
what he has to say, right?
309
00:10:35,130 --> 00:10:38,400
Sir, why are you
dressed like a leprechaun?
310
00:10:38,470 --> 00:10:40,940
'Cause it's St. Paddy's Day,
you idiots!
311
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:43,440
This guy's good. He's good.
(clicks tongue) Yeah.
312
00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:44,570
Nasty little son of a bitch,
isn't he? You think?
313
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,580
There's, like,
a real bite to him.
314
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:48,610
I know. You know what
I think we should do?
315
00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:50,310
We just rough him
up a little bit.
316
00:10:50,380 --> 00:10:51,810
You know, just get the truth
out of him, just a little bit.
317
00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:54,150
It's a great idea.
318
00:10:54,220 --> 00:10:56,080
We don't want to bruise him up.
Yeah.
319
00:10:56,150 --> 00:10:58,620
You know, so, I just wish we
had, like, a hose or something.
320
00:10:58,690 --> 00:11:00,090
Yeah. You know, we could
blast the truth out of him.
321
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,990
Right?
That'd be good...
322
00:11:02,060 --> 00:11:04,290
Oh, shit.
There's a hose right here.
323
00:11:06,660 --> 00:11:09,600
I... I don't ever remember
a hose being down here, do you?
324
00:11:09,670 --> 00:11:11,400
No. I don't know.
Dude...
325
00:11:11,470 --> 00:11:12,970
do you realize
what just happened?
326
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:15,600
You made a wish, which
the leprechaun clearly granted.
327
00:11:15,670 --> 00:11:16,810
You know, everyone knows,
you capture a leprechaun,
328
00:11:16,870 --> 00:11:18,670
you get three wishes, right?
329
00:11:18,740 --> 00:11:20,940
So we got to think very carefully
what our next two are here.
330
00:11:21,010 --> 00:11:23,050
I wish I could live forever?
What are you doing?!
331
00:11:23,110 --> 00:11:24,810
I wish you don't. How about that?
No, no! Why did you do that?
332
00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:25,810
Why did you do that?
Why didn't you say,
333
00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:27,780
"I wish I could live forever."?
334
00:11:27,850 --> 00:11:29,550
And live forever with you?!
Well...
335
00:11:29,620 --> 00:11:31,250
Look, I'm not a leprechaun!
336
00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:33,260
Just let me out of here,
you dickheads!
337
00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:34,760
Ah. Wish there was a way
338
00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:36,060
we could just know
for sure, you know.
339
00:11:36,130 --> 00:11:38,230
Charlie?
340
00:11:38,290 --> 00:11:41,360
Get the snake.
341
00:11:41,430 --> 00:11:44,470
DENNIS:
The problem was, Frank...
342
00:11:44,530 --> 00:11:47,570
that last group of belligerent
hooligans just didn't understand
343
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,000
how to experience
our business properly,
344
00:11:49,070 --> 00:11:51,470
but I think this new group
is gonna get it.
345
00:11:51,540 --> 00:11:54,880
Plus, they're physically weaker,
346
00:11:54,940 --> 00:11:56,810
in case anything goes wrong.
347
00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:58,480
What's happening?
348
00:11:58,550 --> 00:12:00,550
(with Irish accent):
I'll tell ya what's happenin'.
349
00:12:00,580 --> 00:12:02,520
One day you're young and pretty,
350
00:12:02,590 --> 00:12:05,190
and the next, the years
of drinking and abuse
351
00:12:05,250 --> 00:12:07,390
have robbed you of your youth.
352
00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:09,720
Abuse? Did these
guys hurt you?
353
00:12:09,790 --> 00:12:10,930
No!
354
00:12:10,990 --> 00:12:13,060
Me husband did this to me.
355
00:12:13,130 --> 00:12:14,030
Arrr!
356
00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:15,230
Dee...
Mm?
357
00:12:15,300 --> 00:12:16,530
What the hell are you doing?
358
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:18,000
What are you...?
What, are you a pirate?
359
00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:19,340
I can't tell if you're
doing a thing now,
360
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:20,340
or if this is just
who you've become.
361
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:21,370
(normal voice):
I've giving them
362
00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:22,810
an authentic Irish experience,
363
00:12:22,870 --> 00:12:24,370
like you were begging for
before...
364
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:25,980
You're giving them a
completely inauthentic,
365
00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:27,610
frightening experience,
and you're scaring them.
366
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,710
Okay, listen, ladies,
nobody's gonna get hurt.
367
00:12:29,780 --> 00:12:30,910
Will you just let us out,
please?
368
00:12:30,980 --> 00:12:32,380
Well, no.
369
00:12:32,450 --> 00:12:33,780
No, I'm not gonna let you out.
370
00:12:33,850 --> 00:12:35,250
I need you to
experience everything
371
00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:36,650
I-I have to offer,
okay, so you're...
372
00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:38,120
Rahr!
So, experience... Dee!
373
00:12:38,190 --> 00:12:40,060
Shut up!
374
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:43,560
All right, look, we're gonna
have a good time here, okay?
375
00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:45,230
You're experiencing some
free beers right now
376
00:12:45,300 --> 00:12:46,930
because I can't get the
goddamn Internet to work.
377
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,130
That's a problem for me.
Do you guys know how to use
378
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:50,870
tablet computers? You're young.
No.
379
00:12:50,930 --> 00:12:52,440
I just want to connect the
goddamn thing to the Internet.
380
00:12:52,500 --> 00:12:53,740
They told me it'd be easy.
It's not, though.
381
00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:55,540
Okay. Well, I'll
tell you what.
382
00:12:55,610 --> 00:12:57,840
I'll let you out after I take
a couple photographs of you.
383
00:12:57,910 --> 00:12:59,440
How's that sound? Yeah?
Take some photographs
384
00:12:59,510 --> 00:13:02,210
for my... for my Web site?
So, look happy.
385
00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:04,150
Look like you're having fun.
No need to cover those up.
386
00:13:04,210 --> 00:13:05,620
My customers like those.
They're like me.
387
00:13:05,680 --> 00:13:07,650
They're gonna want to see that.
388
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:09,160
Yeah, okay, so smiling
smiling and...
389
00:13:09,220 --> 00:13:11,120
(camera shutter clicking,
women crying)
390
00:13:11,190 --> 00:13:12,460
You're not convincing me.
Smile!
391
00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:13,790
(sobbing)
Oh, damn!
392
00:13:13,860 --> 00:13:15,290
This is not
supposed to be scary.
393
00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:17,430
This is supposed to be an
authentic, fun time for you.
394
00:13:17,490 --> 00:13:19,630
(camera shutter clicking, women
crying) Yeah, all right, well,
395
00:13:19,700 --> 00:13:21,200
I need to buy it, okay?
396
00:13:21,270 --> 00:13:22,870
I'm...
Please let us out.
397
00:13:22,930 --> 00:13:25,000
I don't want to be on
your weird Web site. Shh.
398
00:13:25,070 --> 00:13:26,740
Well, if you don't comply with
me, then you're gonna end up
399
00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:28,910
on the weird one, okay?
So, smile.
400
00:13:28,970 --> 00:13:31,310
(crying)
Ugh! All right.
401
00:13:31,380 --> 00:13:32,480
You know what?
This isn't gonna work.
402
00:13:32,540 --> 00:13:34,210
All right, come on, come on.
403
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:35,710
Let's go. Come on.
404
00:13:35,780 --> 00:13:37,950
All right, out you go, ladies.
Out you go.
405
00:13:38,020 --> 00:13:39,450
I know you didn't
threaten to call the cops,
406
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:40,920
but you would have--
I'm certain of it--
407
00:13:40,980 --> 00:13:42,320
so I'm gonna need
your wallets and your phones.
408
00:13:42,390 --> 00:13:44,150
Give 'em to the girl.
409
00:13:44,220 --> 00:13:46,260
Oh, yeah, I'm probably gonna
pop on your Twitter accounts,
410
00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:48,790
just so you know. Write us some,
uh, enthusiastic reviews,
411
00:13:48,860 --> 00:13:50,230
which you would have done,
as well,
412
00:13:50,290 --> 00:13:51,560
had you experienced
our business properly,
413
00:13:51,630 --> 00:13:53,030
but you decided to be...
414
00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:55,130
(sighs)
All right, well...
415
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:57,130
(tires screech)
416
00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:59,740
(women sobbing)
417
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:02,740
Talk, bitch! I'm blasting you! Come on!
Talk! Come on, leprechaun!
418
00:14:02,810 --> 00:14:04,730
Come on, leprechaun, admit it!
Where's the gold?!
419
00:14:04,780 --> 00:14:06,680
Aw, what's the point, dude?
There's no water pressure.
420
00:14:06,740 --> 00:14:08,440
I feel like I'm giving him a baby bath.
Yeah, I know.
421
00:14:08,510 --> 00:14:10,010
Snake's not working either, man.
422
00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:11,810
Well, that's
because the snake is dead.
423
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:13,550
Because you put it in a plastic
bag and it couldn't breathe.
424
00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:14,780
All right, doesn't matter.
He probably killed it
425
00:14:14,850 --> 00:14:16,890
with his leprechaun
magic, anyway.
426
00:14:16,950 --> 00:14:19,290
I'm not a leprechaun,
you goddamn assholes!
427
00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:21,260
Yeah, yeah, guy. How are we
gonna get his pot of gold
428
00:14:21,330 --> 00:14:23,490
if he won't even admit to us
that he's a leprechaun?
429
00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:25,360
I mean, if this guy would
just admit he was a leprechaun,
430
00:14:25,430 --> 00:14:26,800
we could be done with this whole mess.
Well, yeah.
431
00:14:26,860 --> 00:14:28,600
Of course.
LEPRECHAUN: Okay, fine, you got me.
432
00:14:28,670 --> 00:14:30,530
I'm a leprechaun.
I admit it.
433
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:32,400
What?
434
00:14:32,470 --> 00:14:34,200
God... I am a... I'm a...
435
00:14:34,270 --> 00:14:37,070
damn... a... I'm a leprechaun.
436
00:14:37,140 --> 00:14:39,110
Yeah, right, but you don't
have the accent, That's...
437
00:14:39,180 --> 00:14:41,280
and that's throwing me off, right?
It's throwing me off.
438
00:14:41,350 --> 00:14:44,610
(Irish accent):
I live in a faraway land,
439
00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:46,020
and I was transported here
440
00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:50,050
by a giant magical rainbow.
441
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:53,020
And you never got me
Lucky Charms.
442
00:14:53,090 --> 00:14:55,460
(laughing): Oh!
That's it! That's it!
443
00:14:55,530 --> 00:14:58,560
You were right! Dude! You caught a
leprechaun! I told you, man! I knew it!
444
00:14:58,630 --> 00:15:00,330
Hey, can you let me go now?
445
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,000
No, you can't go. You know...
No. No.
446
00:15:02,070 --> 00:15:03,750
we need your pot of gold.
Where is it? Yeah.
447
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:07,500
It's at the bottom
of the rainbow.
448
00:15:08,070 --> 00:15:10,240
Hmm. Must be some sort
of leprechaun riddle,
449
00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:12,210
'cause there's no
rainbows out today.
450
00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:15,840
No, dude... I don't think
this guy's talking in metaphors.
451
00:15:15,910 --> 00:15:18,280
I think he means exactly
what he's saying. Yeah?
452
00:15:18,350 --> 00:15:19,950
Dude, he's talking
about that gay bar
453
00:15:20,020 --> 00:15:21,750
down on Locust Street--
the Rainbow.
454
00:15:21,820 --> 00:15:23,250
You know which one I'm
talking about, right? No.
455
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:25,090
Right. I'm gonna go
check it out, alone.
456
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:26,320
Why?
457
00:15:26,390 --> 00:15:27,720
Well, because you'll be here.
458
00:15:27,790 --> 00:15:29,320
And if, uh, the gang comes back,
459
00:15:29,390 --> 00:15:32,330
they'll also be here,
and I'll be there, alone.
460
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:33,330
Right.
461
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,330
But you'll be here.
462
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:36,500
Great.
Great.
463
00:15:36,570 --> 00:15:38,430
All right, you go do that,
Okay. Yeah.
464
00:15:38,500 --> 00:15:40,140
and, uh, remember, you're there
to look for a pot of gold.
465
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:42,170
Okay. Alone.
466
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:43,610
Yeah. You'll be there, alone.
467
00:15:43,670 --> 00:15:45,510
Okay!
Got it.
468
00:15:45,580 --> 00:15:49,340
All right, well, that
just leaves you and me, and, uh,
469
00:15:49,410 --> 00:15:52,510
we both know there's no pot
of gold at that gay bar.
470
00:15:52,580 --> 00:15:54,850
So the question is...
471
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:58,920
what to do with the little liar.
472
00:16:04,890 --> 00:16:06,960
We haven't made
a goddamn penny today.
473
00:16:07,030 --> 00:16:09,000
We actually lost money,
474
00:16:09,070 --> 00:16:11,500
with all the gas we burned
going back and forth.
475
00:16:11,570 --> 00:16:13,500
Yeah, well, it's not my fault.
The business model's flawless.
476
00:16:13,570 --> 00:16:15,240
If you knew how to drive
and you knew how to serve
477
00:16:15,310 --> 00:16:17,610
a goddamn beer, we wouldn't
be in this mess.
478
00:16:17,670 --> 00:16:20,040
(sighs)
Hmm.
479
00:16:20,110 --> 00:16:22,380
All right. (grunts) Mmm.
480
00:16:22,450 --> 00:16:25,410
Okay, everybody out.
Get out. Let's go. Come on.
481
00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:27,520
Go, go, go, go, go. You guys
are in the wrong demographic.
482
00:16:27,580 --> 00:16:28,820
Where have you taken us?
483
00:16:28,890 --> 00:16:31,290
Right. Yeah, I guess, uh,
484
00:16:31,350 --> 00:16:34,290
we got so used to our routine of
picking people up and dropping
485
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:36,490
'em off outside of town
that we never even tried
486
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:39,700
to sell you people beer, did we?
(laughs) They're too old, anyway.
487
00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:41,700
Who's gonna watch 'em on a Web site?
That's true.
488
00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:44,170
Yeah, you guys are a little too old
for our, uh... (woman shrieks)
489
00:16:44,230 --> 00:16:47,170
So... Wallets and phones.
You know the drill.
490
00:16:50,340 --> 00:16:52,470
I don't know why we don't
just do the car service thing.
491
00:16:52,540 --> 00:16:55,380
People seem to be really needing
rides all over the town.
492
00:16:55,450 --> 00:16:57,950
No, you know, that idea may work.
You think so?
493
00:16:58,010 --> 00:17:00,050
Thank you.
You're welcome.
494
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:03,050
Oh. B-But before we
pivot to that one,
495
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:05,390
um, Deandra,
you mind, uh, jumpin' out
496
00:17:05,460 --> 00:17:08,160
to see about the gas cap?
I think I left it off.
497
00:17:08,220 --> 00:17:09,830
Yeah. (tires screeching) Oop.
498
00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:16,370
Oh! Hey!
499
00:17:16,430 --> 00:17:18,370
Oh, goddamn!
500
00:17:18,430 --> 00:17:20,240
Goddamn it...!
501
00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:22,340
(groans)
502
00:17:22,410 --> 00:17:25,440
What you did there, Frank, that's, like...
Very funny. Yeah. That bitch
503
00:17:25,510 --> 00:17:27,510
was dragging us down.
Yeah.
504
00:17:27,580 --> 00:17:29,340
She was driving me crazy, man.
Oh.
505
00:17:29,410 --> 00:17:31,910
Oh... shit.
What?
506
00:17:31,980 --> 00:17:33,350
She didn't put the gas cap on.
507
00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:36,020
Oh, is it open for real?
Big-time.
508
00:17:36,090 --> 00:17:37,450
Oh, shit. Yeah, let me
grab that real quick.
509
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:39,050
I got it.
(grunts)
510
00:17:41,220 --> 00:17:42,620
No, no, no, no, n...
Aw, goddamn!
511
00:17:42,690 --> 00:17:44,960
(groans)
512
00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:57,010
(sighs)
513
00:18:00,540 --> 00:18:03,610
I can't believe Uber jacks up their
prices just because it's a holiday.
514
00:18:03,730 --> 00:18:04,990
That's unbelie... It's a scam.
515
00:18:05,110 --> 00:18:06,960
We should have been doing
that the entire time.
516
00:18:07,030 --> 00:18:09,100
Are you kidding me?
That was my whole idea.
517
00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:10,670
Dee, stop trying to take
credit for everything. Wait--
518
00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:12,080
what is going on in here?
Weren't Mac and Charlie
519
00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:14,060
taking care of the bar?
Yeah, they were.
520
00:18:14,300 --> 00:18:16,970
Why is the bar empty?
FRANK: It ain't empty.
521
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:20,140
What are you doing back here,
you piece of shit?
522
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:23,500
It's a long story.
The business hit a wall,
523
00:18:23,620 --> 00:18:26,080
went up in smoke,
and then went under.
524
00:18:26,140 --> 00:18:27,910
Why are you speaking
in metaphors?
525
00:18:27,980 --> 00:18:29,780
It ain't a metaphor.
I fell asleep,
526
00:18:29,850 --> 00:18:33,350
crashed into a wall,
the engine burst into flames,
527
00:18:33,420 --> 00:18:35,320
and I had to drive it into a river.
Right.
528
00:18:35,390 --> 00:18:37,190
(music playing in distance)
(muffled shouting)
529
00:18:37,250 --> 00:18:38,920
What the hell is that?
530
00:18:38,990 --> 00:18:40,820
...to keep this smile
from my face
531
00:18:40,890 --> 00:18:42,560
Listen, Tony
532
00:18:42,630 --> 00:18:45,830
I'm all over the place
533
00:18:45,900 --> 00:18:49,100
Clowns to the left of me,
jokers to the right
534
00:18:49,170 --> 00:18:51,100
Here I am, stuck in
the middle with you...
535
00:18:51,170 --> 00:18:54,140
Well, you may be a man.
536
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:56,040
You may be a leprechaun.
537
00:18:56,110 --> 00:18:58,570
But only one thing's for sure:
538
00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:00,080
You're in the wrong basement.
539
00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:02,110
Goddamn it! No!
540
00:19:02,180 --> 00:19:05,450
I'm gonna see if you bleed green.
No! No! No, no, no!
541
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:07,580
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Charlie, Charlie,
what the hell is... Whoa, whoa. Hey!
542
00:19:08,150 --> 00:19:10,090
What are you doing?
543
00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:12,520
(music stops) What does
it look like I'm doing?
544
00:19:12,590 --> 00:19:14,160
It looks like you've tied
a little person to a chair
545
00:19:14,220 --> 00:19:16,060
and you're gonna torture him.
546
00:19:16,130 --> 00:19:18,390
(chuckles) No, I've tied
a leprechaun to a chair,
547
00:19:18,460 --> 00:19:21,360
and, uh, yeah,
I was gonna cut him to pieces.
548
00:19:21,430 --> 00:19:24,030
Charlie...
549
00:19:24,100 --> 00:19:25,300
you been drinking
straight paint?
550
00:19:25,370 --> 00:19:26,740
Yeah.
551
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:27,970
MAC: Charlie, he's
not a leprechaun!
552
00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:29,410
Do not hurt him!
I repeat:
553
00:19:29,470 --> 00:19:31,740
he is not a leprechaun!
Oh, hey.
554
00:19:31,810 --> 00:19:34,240
What is this?
Why are you covered in glitter?
555
00:19:34,310 --> 00:19:35,680
I would love to answer
all of your questions,
556
00:19:35,750 --> 00:19:37,580
but there is no time.
557
00:19:37,650 --> 00:19:40,080
You see, I went to the Rainbow
to look for a pot of gold.
558
00:19:40,150 --> 00:19:41,080
The gay bar?
Oh.
559
00:19:41,150 --> 00:19:42,520
Again, no questions.
560
00:19:42,590 --> 00:19:44,050
And when I got back,
561
00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:47,060
I found this bag...
full of wallets,
562
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:48,690
hidden where we keep the towels.
563
00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:49,760
Why did you need towels?
564
00:19:49,830 --> 00:19:51,830
Not answering questions, okay?
565
00:19:51,900 --> 00:19:55,530
Because apparently this son
of a bitch is a pickpocket.
566
00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:57,400
That's why he's been
lurking around Paddy's.
567
00:19:57,470 --> 00:20:00,240
Oh! Well, that makes a lot
of sense, 'cause he kept saying,
568
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:02,440
like, "I'm a pickpocket. I'm
a pickpocket. Stop hurting me.
569
00:20:02,510 --> 00:20:04,110
I'm not a leprechaun." And
I just thought that was, like,
570
00:20:04,170 --> 00:20:06,910
a metaphor for, you know,
"I-I am a leprechaun."
571
00:20:06,980 --> 00:20:08,510
This little son of a bitch
has been picking pockets
572
00:20:08,580 --> 00:20:10,080
at our bar
every St. Paddy's Day
573
00:20:10,150 --> 00:20:11,550
for years.
FRANK: Well, we got a whole bag
574
00:20:11,620 --> 00:20:14,050
full of wallets and phones, too.
575
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:16,790
You did? That's good. Because the
bar did not do so great. Yeah.
576
00:20:16,850 --> 00:20:19,220
Turns out the Irish honor
system, that's not a thing.
577
00:20:19,290 --> 00:20:20,690
Yeah, we were gonna
actually return the wallets
578
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:21,990
that we got, but, uh, Yeah.
579
00:20:22,060 --> 00:20:23,460
since no one seems to be...
580
00:20:23,530 --> 00:20:24,990
being honorable, uh,
maybe we keep our wallets
581
00:20:25,060 --> 00:20:26,500
and those and, you know, Yeah.
582
00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:29,260
chalk it up as a win. Yeah.
Oh, the luck of the Irish.
583
00:20:29,330 --> 00:20:31,400
(chuckling) Let's not make
it a tradition, though.
584
00:20:31,470 --> 00:20:33,300
Sure. Yeah, probably
better not to.
585
00:20:33,370 --> 00:20:37,070
All right, well, what do we do
with this piece of shit?
586
00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:45,310
(tires screech)
587
00:20:49,820 --> 00:20:52,090
(distorted laughter)
588
00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:57,320
Oh, shit, that leprechaun
just flew up a rainbow!
589
00:20:58,220 --> 00:21:02,040
Stop drinking paint, Charlie.
Huh.
590
00:21:02,090 --> 00:21:06,640
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