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Previously on
I'm Dying Up Here...
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00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:02,790
Someone was there
from Midnight Special.
3
00:00:02,790 --> 00:00:04,000
They cancelled.
4
00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:06,500
It's not your fault.
5
00:00:06,500 --> 00:00:08,080
God's got it out for the Hobbs,
that's all I know.
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00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:10,290
Who do we talk to
about stage time?
7
00:00:10,290 --> 00:00:12,080
Richard Pryor's
going on Thursday night.
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00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:14,160
I can, uh, bump him
if it means that
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00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:15,250
I can get some pros on stage.
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00:00:15,250 --> 00:00:18,660
I was on that list every week,
and now look at me.
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00:00:18,660 --> 00:00:20,250
I got the main room
whenever I want it,
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00:00:20,250 --> 00:00:22,500
as long as it's
ten minutes before closing.
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00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:24,000
Let me help you, hmm?
14
00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:27,290
Find a voice
that women can relate to.
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00:00:27,290 --> 00:00:28,080
There is room for me too,
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00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:29,660
I just need your stage
to prove it.
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00:00:29,660 --> 00:00:33,870
When you're ready.
18
00:00:33,870 --> 00:00:36,660
You killed it
at The Store last night.
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00:00:36,660 --> 00:00:38,370
You know, I-I wanted to be here.
20
00:00:38,370 --> 00:00:40,250
But it's just one
fucking night, right?
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00:00:40,250 --> 00:00:42,540
Caught my ex getting
a blow job in our office.
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00:00:42,540 --> 00:00:43,580
That was one fucking night too.
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00:00:43,580 --> 00:00:45,910
Shouldn't there be
some sort of pecking order
24
00:00:45,910 --> 00:00:47,710
based off time put in
at the club?
25
00:00:47,710 --> 00:00:48,960
Oh, there's a pecking order.
26
00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:50,200
Me, you.
27
00:00:51,980 --> 00:00:58,054
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
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00:01:02,870 --> 00:01:03,870
Are you having
a good time, ma'am?
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00:01:03,870 --> 00:01:05,120
Really?
All right.
30
00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:06,830
Tell your face.
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00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:13,000
Guys, Vietnam's
coming to an end.
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00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,080
That means what?
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00:01:15,080 --> 00:01:17,910
Comedians are coming home...
from Canada.
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00:01:19,500 --> 00:01:22,410
I used to do a lot of
handyman work, growing up.
35
00:01:22,410 --> 00:01:25,080
Mostly because my dad
was in the business...
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00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:26,830
of breaking shit.
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00:01:32,250 --> 00:01:35,290
Well, what are you
doing in here?
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00:01:35,290 --> 00:01:37,410
That hooker in the trunk
ain't gonna bury herself.
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00:01:42,750 --> 00:01:44,160
All right, thank you, folks.
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00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:46,750
You've been a... slightly
above average crowd.
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00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:02,450
I'm up on the tightwire
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00:02:02,450 --> 00:02:06,160
One side's ice
and one is fire
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00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:10,250
It's a circus game
with you and me
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00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:14,160
I'm up on the tightrope
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00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:18,500
One side's hate
and one is hope
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00:02:18,500 --> 00:02:22,870
But the top hat on my head
is all you see
47
00:02:25,500 --> 00:02:28,710
They're gonna
put me in the movies
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00:02:28,710 --> 00:02:31,450
They're gonna make
a big star out of me
49
00:02:32,620 --> 00:02:37,620
Make a film about a man
who's sad and lonely
50
00:02:37,620 --> 00:02:38,500
And all I gotta do is...
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00:02:38,500 --> 00:02:39,620
Excuse me.
52
00:02:39,620 --> 00:02:43,120
I'm looking for Teddy.
53
00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:44,580
The owner does time?
54
00:02:44,580 --> 00:02:46,620
He does when there are
holes in the lineup.
55
00:02:46,620 --> 00:02:48,660
Well, why's he singing?
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00:02:48,660 --> 00:02:51,620
He ran out of jokes.
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00:02:51,620 --> 00:02:56,160
They're gonna
put me in the movies
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00:02:56,160 --> 00:03:00,660
They're gonna make
a big star out of me
59
00:03:00,660 --> 00:03:05,330
Make a film about a man
who's sad and lonely
60
00:03:05,330 --> 00:03:09,500
And all I gotta do is
act naturally
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00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:12,870
Hey, do you folks
like impressions?
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00:03:12,870 --> 00:03:14,500
Yeah.
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00:03:14,500 --> 00:03:17,040
Well, you're gonna be impressed
by this next guy.
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00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:21,000
Please welcome to the
stage Billy Quandt!
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00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:28,080
I'm up on the tightrope
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00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:30,540
One side's hate
and one is hope
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00:03:30,540 --> 00:03:35,200
But the top hat
on my head is all you see
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00:03:37,540 --> 00:03:41,870
And the wire seems to be
the only place for me
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00:03:41,870 --> 00:03:44,160
You know what you guys are?
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00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:46,040
You're alchemists.
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00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:49,250
You create pleasure from pain.
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00:03:49,250 --> 00:03:51,540
And that is a virtuous gift,
my friend.
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00:03:51,540 --> 00:03:53,080
So why the free grub?
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00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:58,000
Because at King Theodore's,
the comic is king.
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00:03:58,000 --> 00:03:59,790
All right, don't let
this crown fool you.
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00:03:59,790 --> 00:04:00,870
I just work here.
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00:04:00,870 --> 00:04:03,870
And sure, yeah-yeah,
I can carry a tune, but...
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00:04:03,870 --> 00:04:06,120
you're the rock stars,
all right?
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00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:08,370
You keep the doors open.
I just hold the key.
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00:04:08,370 --> 00:04:09,910
Uh, what-what's, uh,
what's the buffet like
81
00:04:09,910 --> 00:04:11,450
over at Goldie's?
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00:04:11,450 --> 00:04:15,250
You know, cocktail onions,
lemon twists, ice cubes.
83
00:04:15,250 --> 00:04:16,750
Usual stuff.
84
00:04:16,750 --> 00:04:17,960
That-that's a shame.
85
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:20,580
Please, help yourself.
86
00:04:20,580 --> 00:04:22,790
Oh, try the-try the shrimp.
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00:04:22,790 --> 00:04:26,580
They're feathered in coconut.
88
00:04:29,500 --> 00:04:32,290
Do you ever notice
how the American dream
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00:04:32,290 --> 00:04:34,250
is to have your house
filled with Mexicans?
90
00:04:34,250 --> 00:04:36,410
Think about it.
91
00:04:36,410 --> 00:04:38,290
Your big house, your big car,
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00:04:38,290 --> 00:04:40,160
your big pool isn't complete
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00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:42,160
unless you have Mexicans
running around,
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00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:44,960
scrubbing that shit nonstop.
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00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:48,200
Saying, "You like this, meester?
It's good, meester?"
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00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:49,580
Though think about this, also.
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00:04:49,580 --> 00:04:50,450
We clean the inside
of the house.
98
00:04:50,450 --> 00:04:52,160
We clean the outside
of the house.
99
00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:55,290
We build the fucking house.
100
00:04:55,290 --> 00:04:59,620
We're the wet-backbone
of this country.
101
00:04:59,620 --> 00:05:02,830
That's why we're always saying
"Mi casa es su casa."
102
00:05:02,830 --> 00:05:05,660
We're being ironic.
103
00:05:05,660 --> 00:05:06,790
Now, think about it,
the ultimate thing
104
00:05:06,790 --> 00:05:09,080
is you want a Mexican
to take care of your kids.
105
00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:10,200
That's the best.
106
00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:12,000
You want a Mexican nanny?
107
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:13,290
You got a Mexican nanny?
108
00:05:13,290 --> 00:05:14,450
You have one already?
109
00:05:14,450 --> 00:05:15,120
Good one, old?
110
00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:16,200
That's the best kind.
111
00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:19,450
You want an old nanny, right?
112
00:05:19,450 --> 00:05:21,250
They're not going anywhere.
They're not dating.
113
00:05:21,250 --> 00:05:22,870
Right?
114
00:05:22,870 --> 00:05:26,710
All they're doing is
concentrating on your child.
115
00:05:26,710 --> 00:05:30,370
Right now, there's an
eight-year-old boy in Tijuana.
116
00:05:30,370 --> 00:05:32,370
Grandmother's
reading him a book.
117
00:05:32,370 --> 00:05:34,710
Mom is making him a quesadilla.
118
00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:37,790
His father is
trimming hedges outside.
119
00:05:37,790 --> 00:05:38,500
He's living the American dream
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00:05:38,500 --> 00:05:41,330
and he doesn't even know it.
121
00:05:41,330 --> 00:05:43,580
The pool at the Pines
was shaped like a crescent.
122
00:05:43,580 --> 00:05:45,000
I would bet my left ear on that.
123
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:48,660
The pool at the Pines
was a fucking oval.
124
00:05:48,660 --> 00:05:49,790
I spent eight summers there.
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00:05:49,790 --> 00:05:52,040
Ugh, you're betting your ear
'cause you don't need it
126
00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:54,500
because you don't listen.
127
00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:58,000
All right, Judy, I'm listening.
128
00:05:58,000 --> 00:05:58,660
Paint me a picture.
129
00:05:58,660 --> 00:06:00,290
Lights up.
Catskills, 1956.
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00:06:00,290 --> 00:06:02,370
- Aye?
- Okay. All right.
131
00:06:02,370 --> 00:06:04,960
Uh, I'm seeing you and you...
132
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:06,580
you're sitting on Sid's lap,
133
00:06:06,580 --> 00:06:08,330
eight months pregnant
with Mandy,
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00:06:08,330 --> 00:06:10,540
dressed as
an apricot hamantaschen
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00:06:10,540 --> 00:06:13,660
because it was one
of those fucking nights,
136
00:06:13,660 --> 00:06:15,450
you know, with the costumes
137
00:06:15,450 --> 00:06:17,080
and-and the-and the singing
138
00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:19,040
and we were all
dressed as foods.
139
00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:21,040
I'm knocked up with Jake
but don't know it.
140
00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:23,000
Yeah.
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00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:24,910
And the fucking pool was oval.
142
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:27,750
You slept today?
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00:06:27,750 --> 00:06:28,870
Mmm.
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00:06:28,870 --> 00:06:31,000
I'm fine.
145
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,080
I like to, uh, spread
my eight hours beauty sleep
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00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:35,330
over at least a week.
147
00:06:35,330 --> 00:06:39,160
I did a 3 a.m.
at the Flamingo.
148
00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:42,750
And, you know, got in the car,
drove four hours here.
149
00:06:42,750 --> 00:06:44,000
Whatever.
150
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:45,830
That's my thing now.
151
00:06:45,830 --> 00:06:48,870
I'm on Vegas Standard Time.
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00:06:49,870 --> 00:06:51,830
My sun rises at 1 a.m.
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00:06:51,830 --> 00:06:52,620
Wake up, I go to work at three,
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00:06:52,620 --> 00:06:54,910
do 45 minutes, walk up the Strip
155
00:06:54,910 --> 00:06:58,290
to Sammy's club,
I do another set.
156
00:06:58,290 --> 00:07:00,040
Then it's breakfast
with the working girls.
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00:07:02,450 --> 00:07:03,540
I tell them how I killed.
158
00:07:03,540 --> 00:07:06,370
They tell me how
they almost got killed.
159
00:07:08,620 --> 00:07:10,080
Showbiz.
160
00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:11,500
Nothing like LA though, huh?
161
00:07:12,370 --> 00:07:15,000
Laughs only matter on the coast.
162
00:07:18,910 --> 00:07:24,960
Plus... I miss seeing you.
163
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:28,910
How is Jakey?
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00:07:28,910 --> 00:07:30,160
You know, driven.
165
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:31,290
Got a head of lettuce.
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00:07:31,290 --> 00:07:32,910
Oh.
167
00:07:32,910 --> 00:07:34,290
- How's Mandy?
- Ugh. Oy.
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00:07:34,290 --> 00:07:36,160
She'll turn the corner.
169
00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:37,500
- Nah.
- They all do.
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00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:39,040
Nah.
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00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:40,790
Come in.
172
00:07:40,790 --> 00:07:42,540
Hey.
Real quick?
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00:07:42,540 --> 00:07:47,120
Um, I was looking over
tonight's lineup.
174
00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:48,870
And I know-I know
I was on there yesterday,
175
00:07:48,870 --> 00:07:51,040
but for some reason
I'm not-not on there now.
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00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:52,540
Oh, Edgar, I...
177
00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:54,330
You know what?
I'm gonna go grab my seat.
178
00:07:54,330 --> 00:07:56,450
I'll be out in a minute.
179
00:07:56,450 --> 00:07:57,620
Cheers.
180
00:08:00,250 --> 00:08:04,960
I'm really sorry your name
fell off the list, Edgar.
181
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:06,870
That happens sometimes.
182
00:08:06,870 --> 00:08:08,330
But now maybe you can
get some more time
183
00:08:08,330 --> 00:08:10,750
at the fucking cafeteria
184
00:08:10,750 --> 00:08:12,960
Teddy sells as a comedy club.
185
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:13,750
That's what this is about?
186
00:08:13,750 --> 00:08:16,040
No, actually,
I was thinking about
187
00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:17,410
knitting you a sweater,
188
00:08:17,410 --> 00:08:18,370
but I wanted to
discuss it with you
189
00:08:18,370 --> 00:08:20,540
before committing to the color.
190
00:08:20,540 --> 00:08:22,710
What the fuck
do you think it's about?
191
00:08:22,710 --> 00:08:26,080
Have I ever
been unclear about this?
192
00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:28,370
It was fifteen minutes
and appetizers.
193
00:08:28,370 --> 00:08:30,250
Don't act surprised
or-or stupid.
194
00:08:30,250 --> 00:08:32,410
I-I can't really tell
which one you're going for.
195
00:08:32,410 --> 00:08:34,620
You want to go to Teddy's?
Go.
196
00:08:34,620 --> 00:08:36,000
I am not stopping you.
197
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:37,750
Goldie, come on,
the guy had fucking shrimp.
198
00:08:37,750 --> 00:08:39,330
Eh, I understand.
199
00:08:39,330 --> 00:08:42,710
Shrimp is very tasty.
200
00:08:42,710 --> 00:08:44,620
You wouldn't be pulling
this shit if it was Carlin.
201
00:08:44,620 --> 00:08:47,660
Carlin didn't flop in my office
202
00:08:47,660 --> 00:08:48,620
while his teeth
came in for a month.
203
00:08:48,620 --> 00:08:51,790
Carlin didn't shower
in my fucking sink.
204
00:08:51,790 --> 00:08:54,080
Well, Carlin didn't paint
your fucking comedy club
205
00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:57,080
for free either.
206
00:09:03,290 --> 00:09:06,370
And that's why you'll
never see my name in the Bible.
207
00:09:06,370 --> 00:09:07,450
Not even in the sexy parts.
208
00:09:10,330 --> 00:09:12,870
My parents died
in a car crash when I was ten.
209
00:09:12,870 --> 00:09:15,120
Christ, with this shit again?
210
00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:16,200
- Shh.
- They hit a tree.
211
00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:16,960
What?
212
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,040
I think that segue hit a tree.
213
00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:20,750
Their obit read
that their car was
214
00:09:20,750 --> 00:09:23,540
wrapped around a tree,
which I liked
215
00:09:23,540 --> 00:09:25,540
'cause I thought
it gave their death
216
00:09:25,540 --> 00:09:27,580
a kind of Christmas-y feeling.
217
00:09:28,580 --> 00:09:30,580
The funny thing about death
218
00:09:30,580 --> 00:09:33,000
is it's the one thing
we all have in common
219
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:34,290
and no one knows
how to talk about it.
220
00:09:34,290 --> 00:09:37,120
Especially to kids.
221
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:40,250
People would say to me,
"They're not gone.
222
00:09:40,250 --> 00:09:41,910
They'll always be with you."
223
00:09:41,910 --> 00:09:45,750
Well, that's nice, except
no one ever thinks about
224
00:09:45,750 --> 00:09:50,160
the fact that one day I'm gonna
grow up and want to get laid.
225
00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:54,120
And it was worse for me because
I had a very critical mom.
226
00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:57,250
The first time I had sex,
all I could hear
227
00:09:57,250 --> 00:09:59,750
was my dead mom's voice.
228
00:09:59,750 --> 00:10:01,750
"Really, Cassie?
229
00:10:01,750 --> 00:10:04,250
Is that how you're
gonna fuck this guy?"
230
00:10:04,250 --> 00:10:05,200
"Because...
231
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:07,250
if you're just gonna
lay there like that,
232
00:10:07,250 --> 00:10:08,790
he's gonna think
he's screwing me
233
00:10:08,790 --> 00:10:10,330
right after the accident."
234
00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:20,200
I'm so sorry for your loss.
235
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:23,120
Her mother passed in November.
Stage two lymphoma.
236
00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:25,000
It gets easier.
237
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,000
Thank you for your...
sympathy.
238
00:10:28,790 --> 00:10:31,540
Hey, Cass, I love what
you did up there.
239
00:10:31,540 --> 00:10:34,040
- Edgy shit.
- Thanks.
240
00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:35,450
What are you, deaf now?
241
00:10:35,450 --> 00:10:36,290
Did you not just see
that, Steve?
242
00:10:36,290 --> 00:10:38,330
She sucked.
243
00:10:38,330 --> 00:10:40,250
Wish I had my derringer.
244
00:10:40,250 --> 00:10:42,750
I'd reunite her with
her mom and dad right now.
245
00:10:42,750 --> 00:10:44,620
Hey, Sam, be nice.
246
00:10:44,620 --> 00:10:46,750
He doesn't mean that.
He doesn't even have a gun.
247
00:10:46,750 --> 00:10:47,790
Fuck off, Steve.
248
00:10:47,790 --> 00:10:48,960
You get The Main Stage
249
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,450
and that's what you do with it?
250
00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:52,160
Fuck the next three comics
going up after you?
251
00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:53,290
It's a mic, not a shovel.
252
00:10:53,290 --> 00:10:56,580
Look at this crowd.
They're just like your parents.
253
00:10:56,580 --> 00:10:57,580
No pulse.
254
00:11:04,370 --> 00:11:05,750
Dead loved ones.
255
00:11:05,750 --> 00:11:07,870
Not the evergreen
you thought it was.
256
00:11:07,870 --> 00:11:09,500
It's a work in progress.
257
00:11:09,500 --> 00:11:10,660
You know, I usually
forget you're Jewish.
258
00:11:10,660 --> 00:11:12,750
And then you make me laugh.
259
00:11:12,750 --> 00:11:14,910
What, you want me to be
260
00:11:14,910 --> 00:11:17,080
more like
Judy Catskills over there?
261
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:18,000
Borscht bleeding out of my ears?
262
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,080
Shaking my tits for shekels?
No thank you.
263
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:24,040
Unlike you, when she drives away
after performing, she's not
264
00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:26,750
followed by a procession of cars
with their headlights on.
265
00:11:26,750 --> 00:11:29,330
Plant that seed
between your ears.
266
00:11:29,330 --> 00:11:32,200
I'm sorry to interrupt,
but I saw what you did
267
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:36,040
and you were so brave
and honest up there.
268
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:40,660
Thank you.
269
00:11:40,660 --> 00:11:43,080
Too bad she couldn't have wedged
"funny" in there somewhere.
270
00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:45,710
Right.
271
00:11:47,370 --> 00:11:49,040
Man, what did she
expect me to do?
272
00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:50,830
Goldie's has more comedians
than she has spots.
273
00:11:50,830 --> 00:11:53,040
Half the time you call in,
you can't even
274
00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:54,960
get up until after 1 a.m.
275
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:57,540
Look, it's not not unfair.
276
00:11:57,540 --> 00:11:59,200
That's the eleventh commandment:
277
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:02,160
you don't perform
in other comedy clubs inside LA.
278
00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:04,540
I'd like to help you,
but, hey, rules are rules.
279
00:12:04,540 --> 00:12:06,120
Yeah, you made your bed.
280
00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:08,580
Teddy's, he's got spots
all over the place.
281
00:12:08,580 --> 00:12:10,040
You-you could call in
right now
282
00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:12,200
and get up tomorrow night
9 p.m. on the dot.
283
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:15,200
Plus the buffet, fuck.
284
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,540
What does that mean?
"Buffet"?
285
00:12:17,540 --> 00:12:19,960
If-if you're a comedian,
there's a free buffet.
286
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:21,250
Wait, like you can just eat?
287
00:12:21,250 --> 00:12:22,410
Yeah.
288
00:12:22,410 --> 00:12:24,080
It's delicious.
289
00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:27,370
If we could do a spot at
Teddy's, say, twice a week...
290
00:12:27,370 --> 00:12:28,960
Tops.
291
00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:31,910
That would give us
a safe place to hone our stuff
292
00:12:31,910 --> 00:12:33,620
so when we come here, we're
more polished, more rehearsed.
293
00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,000
And you would
always get first dibs.
294
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:36,870
Always. Obviously.
295
00:12:36,870 --> 00:12:39,580
'Cause why would we be punished
for wanting to eat, you know?
296
00:12:39,580 --> 00:12:40,960
Uh, I'm not directing
that at you,
297
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:42,250
I just, uh, I'm-I'm just
asking to ask.
298
00:12:42,250 --> 00:12:43,910
Punish you?
299
00:12:43,910 --> 00:12:46,410
Is that what's going on here?
You're being punished?
300
00:12:46,410 --> 00:12:47,580
Did I say "punished"?
301
00:12:47,580 --> 00:12:49,910
No one feels punished.
302
00:12:49,910 --> 00:12:51,830
I-I feel-I feel punished.
303
00:12:51,830 --> 00:12:52,790
All right.
304
00:12:52,790 --> 00:12:55,870
Let's review
the food pyramid, huh?
305
00:12:55,870 --> 00:12:59,250
Up top, you got
your Pryors, your Prinzes,
306
00:12:59,250 --> 00:12:59,750
and they can go
wherever they want.
307
00:12:59,750 --> 00:13:01,870
They've earned it.
308
00:13:01,870 --> 00:13:03,580
Open mic-ers I could give
two slim shits about.
309
00:13:03,580 --> 00:13:07,620
It's comics like you,
you, you...
310
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:08,870
To a lesser degree, you...
311
00:13:08,870 --> 00:13:13,620
The raw talent I give my
time to, who I nurture,
312
00:13:13,620 --> 00:13:17,000
whose shadows I've sewn
to their bodies?
313
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:19,120
Those are
the ungrateful bastards
314
00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:21,710
I might take issue with
if they're putting in time
315
00:13:21,710 --> 00:13:24,200
with my "competition."
316
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:28,660
This club is the only runway
to Carson.
317
00:13:28,660 --> 00:13:31,870
His guys come here, not Teddy's.
318
00:13:31,870 --> 00:13:36,200
Mitch comes here.
319
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:39,080
You think I comp
his drinks and his food
320
00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:40,410
and his fucking bullshit
321
00:13:40,410 --> 00:13:41,660
so he can watch you
"being punished"
322
00:13:41,660 --> 00:13:44,160
in front of a packed house?
323
00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:45,870
Goldie, we're very grateful
Very, very grateful.
324
00:13:45,870 --> 00:13:48,620
But more clubs
equals more exposure
325
00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:50,250
and the better our names look
on your marquee.
326
00:13:50,250 --> 00:13:53,040
And that gets us closer
to some actual pay.
327
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,580
'Cause at some point, somewhere,
328
00:13:55,580 --> 00:13:58,040
we need to get paid.
329
00:13:58,040 --> 00:13:58,830
Don't think about money.
330
00:13:58,830 --> 00:14:01,450
- Money, schmoney.
- I-I don't.
331
00:14:01,450 --> 00:14:03,710
I just have a six-week-old
that's a greedy motherfucker.
332
00:14:03,710 --> 00:14:05,080
Ah, that's why God
invented the day job.
333
00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:08,160
Even made his own son
build coffee tables
334
00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:09,620
before handing over the reins.
335
00:14:09,620 --> 00:14:12,040
Every college student
across the USA
336
00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:16,870
work their asses off
until he graduates.
337
00:14:16,870 --> 00:14:17,620
It's understood.
338
00:14:17,620 --> 00:14:19,040
This is a school.
339
00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:22,080
What school pays its students?
340
00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:24,040
I feel like if
you wanted the answer,
341
00:14:24,040 --> 00:14:25,660
you wouldn't have
opened the door.
342
00:14:25,660 --> 00:14:27,750
This is a school, Bill.
343
00:14:27,750 --> 00:14:30,960
It's not like we here
on the GI Bill.
344
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,960
How's that job
with Sonny and Cher
345
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,830
working out for you, Ralph,
the one I set up?
346
00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:43,540
So... me and you,
we're-we're good
347
00:14:43,540 --> 00:14:45,330
now that we-we talked?
348
00:14:45,330 --> 00:14:47,040
What do you think?
349
00:14:49,710 --> 00:14:53,080
Why do you have to make
everything so fucking personal?
350
00:14:53,080 --> 00:14:54,540
- Personal?
- It's business, Goldie.
351
00:14:54,540 --> 00:14:57,660
That's all.
It's just fucking business.
352
00:15:08,910 --> 00:15:09,790
Where are you headed?
353
00:15:09,790 --> 00:15:11,290
Where are you headed?
354
00:15:11,290 --> 00:15:12,250
Cassie's table
to sit with Cassie.
355
00:15:12,250 --> 00:15:14,660
Yeah, great, me too,
'cause we're peers,
356
00:15:14,660 --> 00:15:16,330
we're professional peers and
she expects us to sit with her.
357
00:15:16,330 --> 00:15:18,080
It would be rude
not to sit with her.
358
00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:19,710
I mean, her peripheral vision's
like a tractor beam.
359
00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:22,120
- I agree. Apr?s vous.
- Apr?s vous.
360
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:22,960
Yo.
361
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:23,960
- Hey.
- Hey.
362
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:25,250
Good to see you.
363
00:15:25,250 --> 00:15:26,250
Ah.
364
00:15:26,250 --> 00:15:28,250
We're the fucking
kids' table, aren't we?
365
00:15:28,250 --> 00:15:29,750
Yep.
366
00:15:29,750 --> 00:15:31,510
Hey, uh, before I forget,
I just wanted to...
367
00:15:32,580 --> 00:15:35,200
Ah, surprised it took that long.
368
00:15:36,580 --> 00:15:39,160
Ooh, that was
the Hiroshima of bombing.
369
00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:40,410
I mean, there's gonna be
audience members
370
00:15:40,410 --> 00:15:43,960
three generations from now that
still won't be able to laugh.
371
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:44,830
The only difference between
your set and Pearl Harbor
372
00:15:44,830 --> 00:15:47,250
is that it wasn't
a Sunday morning.
373
00:15:47,250 --> 00:15:48,370
Nice to know y'all
had a productive ride over.
374
00:15:48,370 --> 00:15:51,500
Cassie, you don't do sad shit
at a comedy club.
375
00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:52,290
It's the same reason
they don't do
376
00:15:52,290 --> 00:15:54,370
Razor Blade Night
at a Cubs game.
377
00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:56,160
Yeah, people
come to Goldie's to laugh,
378
00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:57,450
not to drop a rock into
the dark well of their soul
379
00:15:57,450 --> 00:16:00,750
- then dissect the ripples.
- Oh, thank you, Sylvia Plath.
380
00:16:00,750 --> 00:16:02,960
Well, somebody called me brave,
someone gave me a hug,
381
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,200
and somebody else had lymphoma.
382
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:06,790
Well, if laughing behind
your back counts,
383
00:16:06,790 --> 00:16:08,200
you were a hit.
384
00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:09,620
Well, the highlight of the night
385
00:16:09,620 --> 00:16:11,620
was when Goldie
pointed to Judy Elder
386
00:16:11,620 --> 00:16:13,960
as the high-water mark
for female funny.
387
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,450
- Mm!
- Thank you.
388
00:16:15,450 --> 00:16:16,870
If you're laughing
at Judy Elder,
389
00:16:16,870 --> 00:16:18,750
you're either 72 years old
390
00:16:18,750 --> 00:16:20,450
or watching her
climb a flight of stairs.
391
00:16:20,450 --> 00:16:21,790
Hello, I'm Judy Elder.
392
00:16:21,790 --> 00:16:23,200
Would you like to hear
my five best jokes
393
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:24,960
that are somewhere in
the general vicinity of sex?
394
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:26,250
- No.
- Or how about 17 Jewish words
395
00:16:26,250 --> 00:16:27,540
that sound vaguely obscene
396
00:16:27,540 --> 00:16:29,250
if you lean into them
with all your weight?
397
00:16:29,250 --> 00:16:30,580
Seriously, though,
398
00:16:30,580 --> 00:16:32,540
I would like to be under
those dairy giants
399
00:16:32,540 --> 00:16:34,410
while she removes her bra
and then I just die
400
00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:36,160
in the impending avalanche.
401
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:37,620
Well, then I could
write a joke about your death,
402
00:16:37,620 --> 00:16:39,370
put it in my act,
and get standing condolences
403
00:16:39,370 --> 00:16:41,040
from the crowd.
404
00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:43,330
Hey, I-I thought what you did
took a lot of balls.
405
00:16:43,330 --> 00:16:45,200
And you're definitely
on to something, so keep it up.
406
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:48,910
Yeah, that was some...
pretty cool stuff.
407
00:16:48,910 --> 00:16:51,330
Thank you, guys.
408
00:16:51,330 --> 00:16:52,580
Hey, here's a thought.
409
00:16:52,580 --> 00:16:55,250
Why don't you save your two
cents for your waitress' tip?
410
00:16:55,250 --> 00:16:56,790
Oh, come on, Bill.
411
00:16:56,790 --> 00:16:58,750
Tom Thumb and his gay aunt
have the floor.
412
00:16:58,750 --> 00:17:00,660
Let 'em talk.
413
00:17:00,660 --> 00:17:01,830
I'm sorry, who were you
in Grapes of Wrath again?
414
00:17:01,830 --> 00:17:04,870
No, Grapes of Wrath was
the one about white people.
415
00:17:04,870 --> 00:17:06,910
I think he was the one
boycotting the grapes.
416
00:17:06,910 --> 00:17:08,200
Right, right.
417
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:09,960
I just knew grapes
was in there somewhere.
418
00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:12,960
What's so funny, stable boy?
419
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:14,580
Pardon?
420
00:17:14,580 --> 00:17:15,910
Aren't you Goldie's
new stable boy?
421
00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:18,910
I have so many
questions for you.
422
00:17:18,910 --> 00:17:21,870
Uh, most of them
laced with sexual innuendo.
423
00:17:21,870 --> 00:17:23,370
All right, Edgar,
don't be a dick.
424
00:17:23,370 --> 00:17:24,870
I'm not being a dick.
425
00:17:24,870 --> 00:17:27,000
I just want to know
what's so fucking funny.
426
00:17:30,580 --> 00:17:33,250
Well, um, Edgar, if you
427
00:17:33,250 --> 00:17:35,450
really want to know,
I was just thinking about
428
00:17:35,450 --> 00:17:37,660
the time that I fucked your mom.
429
00:17:37,660 --> 00:17:38,870
Wait, did I ever tell you about
430
00:17:38,870 --> 00:17:40,790
the time that I fucked your mom?
431
00:17:40,790 --> 00:17:44,710
Oh, I fucked your mom so hard
your grandmama came.
432
00:17:44,710 --> 00:17:48,370
There I was, balls deep
in your mother's coffee stain,
433
00:17:48,370 --> 00:17:50,750
and 4,000 miles away
in Guadalajara, your grandmother
434
00:17:50,750 --> 00:17:52,580
just collapses
in this bean field,
435
00:17:52,580 --> 00:17:54,540
screaming my name
and coming so hard that
436
00:17:54,540 --> 00:17:56,200
moths fly out of
that shriveled up, grey taco.
437
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,080
Now, I don't know this for sure,
'cause I'm still
438
00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:01,330
back at your mom's,
fucking her from behind,
439
00:18:01,330 --> 00:18:02,870
like the donkey she used to fuck
440
00:18:02,870 --> 00:18:04,540
while tourists threw
Chiclets at her.
441
00:18:04,540 --> 00:18:06,200
Right now, I'm distracted
by her endless screams
442
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,410
of how she wants it in the ass,
443
00:18:08,410 --> 00:18:11,750
even though she knew we ran out
of lube like six hours ago.
444
00:18:11,750 --> 00:18:13,620
But I'm a problem solver.
445
00:18:13,620 --> 00:18:14,960
So I just start to
446
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:16,960
milk those
endlessly lactating tits
447
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,250
all over my ski pole,
448
00:18:18,250 --> 00:18:20,200
thus providing
the necessary lubricant
449
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:21,410
that she desires.
450
00:18:21,410 --> 00:18:26,040
And I just drill your mom
so hard in the ass that
451
00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:28,330
I knock out the one remaining
tooth left in her head,
452
00:18:28,330 --> 00:18:29,960
making her come so hard
that a shitload
453
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:31,910
of inedible hard candies
just shoot out
454
00:18:31,910 --> 00:18:33,500
of that pi?ata she calls
a pussy,
455
00:18:33,500 --> 00:18:36,830
all over the dirt floor
of her master bedroom.
456
00:18:38,330 --> 00:18:42,080
And that, Edgar,
is what I found to be funny.
457
00:18:50,500 --> 00:18:51,710
What?
458
00:18:51,710 --> 00:18:52,830
Trying to decide
whether or not I should
459
00:18:52,830 --> 00:18:58,710
fuck him up or buy a
milkshake with two straws.
460
00:19:00,370 --> 00:19:02,050
'Cause he fucked the shit
out of your mama.
461
00:19:04,450 --> 00:19:05,620
You guys ready to order?
462
00:19:05,620 --> 00:19:06,710
You know what?
You know what?
463
00:19:06,710 --> 00:19:10,410
Order of fries for
these motherfuckers right here.
464
00:19:10,410 --> 00:19:12,120
French fries all around.
465
00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:14,120
I been in the right place
466
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:16,500
But it must have been
the wrong time
467
00:19:16,500 --> 00:19:18,710
I'd of said the right thing
468
00:19:18,710 --> 00:19:21,080
But I must have
used the wrong line...
469
00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:22,540
Hey.
470
00:19:22,540 --> 00:19:25,000
Think, I, uh,
left my wallet in the kitchen.
471
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:28,040
Head is in a bad place
472
00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:30,830
And I wonder
what it's good for
473
00:19:30,830 --> 00:19:34,290
I been running trying
to get hung up in my mind
474
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:40,540
Got to give myself
a good talking to this time
475
00:19:40,540 --> 00:19:43,750
Just need a little
brain salad surgery
476
00:19:44,580 --> 00:19:48,500
I got to cure
my insecurity
477
00:19:48,500 --> 00:19:50,580
I been in a wrong place
478
00:19:50,580 --> 00:19:52,500
But it must have been
the right time
479
00:19:52,500 --> 00:19:54,500
Daddy's home.
480
00:19:54,500 --> 00:19:55,620
Shh.
481
00:19:55,620 --> 00:19:57,830
- Hi.
- Hi.
482
00:19:57,830 --> 00:20:00,160
- Hi.
-
I been in the right vein
483
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:01,830
Shh-shh-shh-shh.
484
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:07,040
Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh.
485
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,830
Why does the baby get burped
by candlelight and not me?
486
00:20:09,830 --> 00:20:11,580
The electricity's been shut off.
487
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:16,040
- Seriously?
- Mm-hmm.
488
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:17,290
After only two
489
00:20:17,290 --> 00:20:19,620
- threatening letters?
- Maybe the third's
490
00:20:19,620 --> 00:20:20,540
in that pile over there.
491
00:20:20,540 --> 00:20:22,040
- Shh-shh-shh-shh.
- I've been meaning
492
00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:23,500
to take a look at that.
493
00:20:23,500 --> 00:20:24,450
I just want to poke it
494
00:20:24,450 --> 00:20:26,710
with a stick a few more times.
495
00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:31,250
I'm sorry, Betz.
I'll figure something out.
496
00:20:31,250 --> 00:20:33,620
I think I can get
my secretary job back.
497
00:20:33,620 --> 00:20:35,250
He can sleep right by the desk.
498
00:20:35,250 --> 00:20:38,200
You want to come to work with Mommy?
Not really?
499
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,120
No, what, are we
in a Charles Dickens novel?
500
00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:41,830
Shh, shh.
501
00:20:41,830 --> 00:20:43,500
How much do you think we need?
502
00:20:43,500 --> 00:20:47,870
Shh, shh.
Another $40 a week.
503
00:20:47,870 --> 00:20:49,710
Fifty if you want meat.
504
00:20:49,710 --> 00:20:50,370
Okay.
505
00:20:50,370 --> 00:20:52,580
Think I can talk to Roger
506
00:20:52,580 --> 00:20:54,790
and grab a few more hours
at the warehouse.
507
00:20:54,790 --> 00:20:55,910
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
508
00:20:55,910 --> 00:20:57,870
Hi.
509
00:20:57,870 --> 00:21:00,580
You have the patience
of a saint, you know that?
510
00:21:07,410 --> 00:21:08,960
- Sully.
- Yeah?
511
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:11,330
Take care of us, okay?
512
00:21:14,250 --> 00:21:16,290
If you got a hankering
to take care of that...
513
00:21:16,290 --> 00:21:19,160
Why are shrimp
so fucking delicious?
514
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:23,330
They-they are.
End of story.
515
00:21:23,330 --> 00:21:25,200
What was I thinking?
516
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:29,870
And...
that's it.
517
00:21:29,870 --> 00:21:33,870
Fucking blackballed
for eating shrimp.
518
00:21:33,870 --> 00:21:36,910
I am done.
519
00:21:36,910 --> 00:21:39,000
Shrimp?
520
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,830
You're doing great, okay?
521
00:21:41,830 --> 00:21:44,120
Just go back down.
522
00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:45,960
But weren't you the one
that told me
523
00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:47,960
you're on the way
to the straight and narrow?
524
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:49,790
You're a real piece of work.
Do you know that?
525
00:21:49,790 --> 00:21:51,500
All I've ever wanted
was for you to know...
526
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:58,000
Hey, Maggie?
527
00:21:58,000 --> 00:21:59,870
You're Mexican, right?
528
00:21:59,870 --> 00:22:02,790
My mom's Asian.
529
00:22:02,790 --> 00:22:05,790
But you're part cleaning lady
on your dad's side, right?
530
00:22:05,790 --> 00:22:06,790
He's Filipino.
531
00:22:06,790 --> 00:22:09,370
Filipino?
532
00:22:09,370 --> 00:22:11,620
What the hell am I
supposed to do with that?
533
00:22:11,620 --> 00:22:13,160
Thank God you're half-chink
534
00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:14,580
or we'd have nothing
to talk about.
535
00:22:14,580 --> 00:22:16,250
Your act makes me uncomfortable.
536
00:22:16,250 --> 00:22:17,830
He said it, not me.
537
00:22:17,830 --> 00:22:18,540
That's why it's smart.
538
00:22:18,540 --> 00:22:20,500
It's the puppet who's racist.
539
00:22:24,660 --> 00:22:27,080
So a Jew and a hick
walk into a convenience store...
540
00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:28,330
You steal all that?
541
00:22:28,330 --> 00:22:30,160
Man does not live
on Rice-A-Roni alone.
542
00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:31,750
It's 90 degrees out.
543
00:22:31,750 --> 00:22:33,080
Oh, we know.
544
00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:34,830
I think the sausages
are ready to be served.
545
00:22:34,830 --> 00:22:36,160
Sorry to interrupt
your act, Steve.
546
00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:38,040
Please don't start over.
547
00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:39,250
Oh, it's okay, you can
always stop by later tonight,
548
00:22:39,250 --> 00:22:41,580
catch it in The Cellar.
549
00:22:41,580 --> 00:22:44,660
No.
He serious?
550
00:22:44,660 --> 00:22:47,580
Come on, Arnie,
this asshole gets The Cellar?
551
00:22:47,580 --> 00:22:49,790
We've been here six weeks.
We've been up fucking twice!
552
00:22:49,790 --> 00:22:51,410
He gets The Cellar.
You won't even guarantee us
553
00:22:51,410 --> 00:22:53,200
open mic spots?
I mean, look,
554
00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:55,160
no offense to Steve
and his regressive sock puppet,
555
00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:57,750
but they fucking suck,
they really fucking suck.
556
00:22:57,750 --> 00:22:59,750
Ron's right, man.
He fucking blows.
557
00:22:59,750 --> 00:23:02,040
I mean, Hitler puppeting
an actual rabbi's corpse
558
00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:04,330
would be more funny
and less offensive.
559
00:23:04,330 --> 00:23:05,870
Sorry, man, no disrespect.
560
00:23:05,870 --> 00:23:06,870
Guys, it's not
up to me who goes up.
561
00:23:06,870 --> 00:23:09,200
Yes, it is, you control
the fucking set lists!
562
00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:11,040
Fine!
I think Steve's comedy
563
00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:12,410
holds a mirror
to our modern world.
564
00:23:12,410 --> 00:23:14,870
- Pardon me, but I'm invested.
- Hmm.
565
00:23:14,870 --> 00:23:15,450
Thank you, Arnold.
566
00:23:15,450 --> 00:23:16,370
And unlike you shits,
567
00:23:16,370 --> 00:23:19,710
I am two up-and-coming
comic voices.
568
00:23:19,710 --> 00:23:21,830
Hey, toots,
you ever date a guy that's
569
00:23:21,830 --> 00:23:27,040
100% wood, 100% al... Oh.
570
00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:30,080
Fucking pulp.
571
00:23:32,410 --> 00:23:33,450
Stop it.
572
00:23:33,450 --> 00:23:34,910
You're gonna break it.
573
00:23:34,910 --> 00:23:36,450
Well,
I can't see the weather girl.
574
00:23:36,450 --> 00:23:39,250
Sparky, that was me, silly goat.
575
00:23:39,250 --> 00:23:40,450
Maybe you should
go for a drive, Dad.
576
00:23:40,450 --> 00:23:42,370
You know,
Detroit built this city?
577
00:23:42,370 --> 00:23:44,580
It's all about the car here.
578
00:23:44,580 --> 00:23:46,290
Gas is too expensive.
579
00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:49,910
There's-there's no one
at the door, Sparky.
580
00:23:49,910 --> 00:23:51,120
There's no one at the door.
581
00:23:51,120 --> 00:23:52,660
Ooh, I see legs.
I see legs!
582
00:23:52,660 --> 00:23:56,120
Dad, look out the window,
it's 72 and smoggy.
583
00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:57,710
Relax already.
584
00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:00,580
Hey, Bill, Bill,
would you help him?
585
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:10,540
Can't believe she gave my time
to Fat fucking Tubs.
586
00:24:10,540 --> 00:24:12,000
Fucking ridiculous.
587
00:24:18,790 --> 00:24:19,870
It looked like-
looked like a little helmet.
588
00:24:19,870 --> 00:24:22,080
- It's on safari.
- A little turtle.
589
00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:24,450
You recognize these?
590
00:24:24,450 --> 00:24:25,960
You should.
591
00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:28,870
They're your leftovers
from last night.
592
00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:33,160
Such a waste.
593
00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:35,580
Every one of these,
a hole drilled in my pocket.
594
00:24:35,580 --> 00:24:38,330
Abandoning a baby
I can understand,
595
00:24:38,330 --> 00:24:40,120
but this, what you got here,
596
00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:41,790
this-this is a fucking sin.
597
00:24:41,790 --> 00:24:43,290
I'm done with the open bar.
598
00:24:43,290 --> 00:24:46,580
You pay for what you
drink or half drink.
599
00:24:46,580 --> 00:24:48,910
First two drinks,
half price... comic prices...
600
00:24:48,910 --> 00:24:50,540
After that, you're on your own.
601
00:24:50,540 --> 00:24:52,500
Any complaints?
You know where to send them.
602
00:24:52,500 --> 00:24:53,250
This some sort of punishment
for last night?
603
00:24:53,250 --> 00:24:54,410
Course not, Billy.
604
00:24:54,410 --> 00:24:57,580
Just the price
of doing business.
605
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:01,960
There you go.
There you go!
606
00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:03,710
Hey, Rem,
what do you think's harder?
607
00:25:03,710 --> 00:25:05,330
Lifting that pallet
of carburetors
608
00:25:05,330 --> 00:25:06,710
or Lyle's rod while he watches?
609
00:25:06,710 --> 00:25:09,000
Jerk-off.
610
00:25:10,660 --> 00:25:11,960
Mr. Spugozi.
611
00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:14,120
Sullivan.
Come in.
612
00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:15,450
What are you reading there?
613
00:25:15,450 --> 00:25:16,620
New York Times.
What's it look like?
614
00:25:16,620 --> 00:25:18,710
All the news
that's tits to print.
615
00:25:19,660 --> 00:25:21,540
Uh, speaking of non-sequiturs,
616
00:25:21,540 --> 00:25:23,330
um, any chance you could
squeeze me in
617
00:25:23,330 --> 00:25:24,910
a couple more hours a week?
618
00:25:24,910 --> 00:25:26,910
I, uh, I could come in early.
619
00:25:26,910 --> 00:25:28,250
You know, I believe you may be
620
00:25:28,250 --> 00:25:30,500
the first employee
to walk through that door
621
00:25:30,500 --> 00:25:32,540
asking for more work
and not just
622
00:25:32,540 --> 00:25:34,250
more money for the same work.
623
00:25:34,250 --> 00:25:36,080
Hey, I'm overpaid as it is.
624
00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:38,040
What do I do all day
except drink your coffee
625
00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:40,870
and come up with new ways to
call Remi and Lyle homosexuals,
626
00:25:40,870 --> 00:25:43,540
which for some reason
makes them laugh?
627
00:25:43,540 --> 00:25:45,410
You ever give sales
a consideration?
628
00:25:45,410 --> 00:25:48,710
Sales?
I-I'm not sure why I would.
629
00:25:48,710 --> 00:25:50,620
Sense of humor can be
an important tool in sales.
630
00:25:50,620 --> 00:25:54,080
David O'Brien quit
so there's an opening.
631
00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:55,200
That interest you?
632
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:58,040
Uhh, could I still
choose my hours?
633
00:25:58,040 --> 00:25:59,200
Not hourly.
Salaried.
634
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:01,710
You'd be a full-timer.
635
00:26:01,710 --> 00:26:03,450
Be another 60 bucks a week,
plus commission.
636
00:26:03,450 --> 00:26:06,200
Course there's
some travel involved.
637
00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:09,200
You'd have to cut your locks
and wear a tie.
638
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:10,160
Oh, I don't know.
I don't know.
639
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:12,540
I got this whole hand-to-mouth,
640
00:26:12,540 --> 00:26:15,540
starving-artist thing
going on.
641
00:26:15,540 --> 00:26:17,870
Well, you'll think about it.
642
00:26:17,870 --> 00:26:19,250
Got it.
Yes. Okay.
643
00:26:19,250 --> 00:26:20,580
Uh, thank you.
644
00:26:20,580 --> 00:26:23,200
Thank you.
645
00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:24,660
How's the new baby?
646
00:26:24,660 --> 00:26:26,620
Uh, good.
647
00:26:26,620 --> 00:26:28,960
When he's not crying,
he's sleeping and shitting, so.
648
00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:29,620
Kids.
649
00:26:29,620 --> 00:26:32,160
They're a real game changer.
650
00:26:49,410 --> 00:26:50,870
That's some bullshit.
651
00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:56,410
What?
652
00:26:56,410 --> 00:26:58,620
Somebody crossed my name off
of open mic.
653
00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:02,830
Yeah, I did.
654
00:27:02,830 --> 00:27:04,540
You're going up
at The Cellar tonight.
655
00:27:06,620 --> 00:27:09,290
Ho-holy shit.
Wait, tonight?
656
00:27:09,290 --> 00:27:10,200
What, Goldie didn't tell you?
657
00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:12,200
I figured she'd, uh,
whisper it in your ear
658
00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:14,540
while you're up at her place,
dancing cheek to cheek.
659
00:27:14,540 --> 00:27:16,040
Holy shit.
660
00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:20,120
So what happened
up at her house between you two?
661
00:27:20,120 --> 00:27:22,790
I helped her with some handiwork
and we ate lunch.
662
00:27:22,790 --> 00:27:25,450
I bet you helped her
with some handiwork
663
00:27:25,450 --> 00:27:26,750
and then ate some lunch.
664
00:27:29,580 --> 00:27:31,040
Wow.
665
00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:32,960
Wow, that-that's the joke
that you choose?
666
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:35,370
Out of all the other jokes,
you chose that one and thought,
667
00:27:35,370 --> 00:27:37,370
"This will show him."
668
00:27:37,370 --> 00:27:38,290
Yeah.
669
00:27:38,290 --> 00:27:40,250
"This'll do it."
670
00:27:40,250 --> 00:27:41,290
What time is my set?
671
00:27:41,290 --> 00:27:43,960
Eight thirty, right after
Steve the ventriloquist.
672
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:44,870
Who's that?
673
00:27:44,870 --> 00:27:48,580
Relax.
You'll like him.
674
00:27:48,580 --> 00:27:50,000
Jeez, Sull,
you're already in the hole
675
00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:51,500
to me for 200.
676
00:27:51,500 --> 00:27:52,750
Trust me,
I'd fucking give anything
677
00:27:52,750 --> 00:27:54,500
if it were the other way around.
678
00:27:54,500 --> 00:27:55,910
Mary wants Donnie
to go to private school.
679
00:27:55,910 --> 00:27:58,080
Third grade, she's already
talking about colleges.
680
00:27:58,080 --> 00:27:59,830
Well, we slept with the baby
in the car last night
681
00:27:59,830 --> 00:28:02,330
'cause it was cooler
than this fat lady's
682
00:28:02,330 --> 00:28:04,330
ass crack of an apartment.
683
00:28:04,330 --> 00:28:06,000
It's always
a dick-measuring contest.
684
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:07,710
Look, my birthday is next month.
685
00:28:07,710 --> 00:28:09,040
You could think of it
as an early present.
686
00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:11,790
Mary already bought you
personalized stationery
687
00:28:11,790 --> 00:28:12,830
and a fountain pen.
688
00:28:12,830 --> 00:28:14,500
Are you serious?
689
00:28:14,500 --> 00:28:16,750
Yeah.
Oh, and sealing wax.
690
00:28:16,750 --> 00:28:18,500
So we can write to each other.
691
00:28:18,500 --> 00:28:20,040
What?
Who the fuck are we,
692
00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:21,500
Zelda and F. Scott Fitzgerald?
693
00:28:21,500 --> 00:28:23,750
- I know.
- Oh, man.
694
00:28:23,750 --> 00:28:24,870
You tell her
I'm looking forward to
695
00:28:24,870 --> 00:28:26,870
that powdered wig at Christmas.
696
00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:30,790
How much you need?
697
00:28:30,790 --> 00:28:31,620
Eighty?
698
00:28:31,620 --> 00:28:34,790
How much you really need?
699
00:28:34,790 --> 00:28:36,040
Sixty.
700
00:28:39,370 --> 00:28:41,250
All right,
I'll send it tomorrow.
701
00:28:41,250 --> 00:28:42,910
But that's all I got.
702
00:28:42,910 --> 00:28:44,410
I love you like a brother,
703
00:28:44,410 --> 00:28:47,160
but the wife loves you
like a brother-in-law.
704
00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:49,250
Well, hey, you can expect
a very fancy,
705
00:28:49,250 --> 00:28:51,410
personalized thank-you letter
in about a month and a half.
706
00:28:51,410 --> 00:28:52,870
You ever call
that contact I gave you?
707
00:28:52,870 --> 00:28:54,660
I can't keep doing this.
708
00:28:54,660 --> 00:28:57,540
Yeah, he-he built sets
for My Three Sons.
709
00:28:57,540 --> 00:28:59,620
Not quite the world beater
you think he is.
710
00:28:59,620 --> 00:29:02,870
So no prospects at all?
711
00:29:02,870 --> 00:29:05,250
No. Nothing.
712
00:29:09,250 --> 00:29:11,200
Does Sparky seem
a little off to you?
713
00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:13,790
He seems like
a 15-year-old dog, Dad.
714
00:29:13,790 --> 00:29:16,370
Let's say we go to
Mann's Chinese later, huh?
715
00:29:16,370 --> 00:29:18,540
You can compare your hands
with Douglas Fairbanks Jr.'s.
716
00:29:18,540 --> 00:29:22,200
No.
It's morbid.
717
00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:23,960
That whole sidewalk's like
718
00:29:23,960 --> 00:29:26,120
a mass grave to the stars.
719
00:29:26,120 --> 00:29:27,750
When are you guys
headed back to Michigan?
720
00:29:27,750 --> 00:29:29,580
Not until Dad
is more tan than his T-shirts.
721
00:29:29,580 --> 00:29:32,000
Are you thick, Susan?
722
00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:34,790
That's his way of saying
he wants us to leave.
723
00:29:34,790 --> 00:29:36,750
This isn't exactly
a large apartment.
724
00:29:36,750 --> 00:29:38,370
It's been two weeks.
725
00:29:38,370 --> 00:29:40,290
Doesn't your husband
miss his wife?
726
00:29:40,290 --> 00:29:42,870
Don't you employees miss
your warm, cuddly demeanor?
727
00:29:42,870 --> 00:29:44,870
You're a worse harp than
your mother, you know that?
728
00:29:44,870 --> 00:29:46,370
Quit asking me about work!
729
00:29:46,370 --> 00:29:48,000
Just stop.
730
00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:50,790
That's the first time
I've asked you anything.
731
00:29:50,790 --> 00:29:52,120
Jesus!
732
00:29:52,120 --> 00:29:56,830
Hey, uh, Dad, maybe now's
the time to tell Bill
733
00:29:56,830 --> 00:30:00,790
about your exciting
new opportunity.
734
00:30:00,790 --> 00:30:02,790
He's going into business
with Cousin Jack.
735
00:30:02,790 --> 00:30:06,450
He's, uh, starting
a textile company.
736
00:30:06,450 --> 00:30:08,870
- Mainly shower curtains.
- You're leaving GM?
737
00:30:08,870 --> 00:30:10,710
I'm not selling
goddamn shower curtains.
738
00:30:10,710 --> 00:30:13,330
What happened?
Did he lose his job?
739
00:30:13,330 --> 00:30:14,620
From what I heard,
it all sounded very mutual.
740
00:30:14,620 --> 00:30:16,790
You were there for 30 years.
741
00:30:16,790 --> 00:30:19,450
Thirty-one.
742
00:30:19,450 --> 00:30:20,620
What?
743
00:30:20,620 --> 00:30:22,580
I don't control OPEC.
744
00:30:22,580 --> 00:30:24,710
I don't set the rates.
745
00:30:24,710 --> 00:30:26,000
They are fixing oil prices!
746
00:30:26,000 --> 00:30:28,870
- Who-who's...
- What do you mean, "Who?"
747
00:30:28,870 --> 00:30:30,660
The A-rabs and the Japs,
that's who.
748
00:30:30,660 --> 00:30:33,750
The Japs want high fuel prices
749
00:30:33,750 --> 00:30:36,710
so they can murder Detroit
with their gas-sipping Hondas
750
00:30:36,710 --> 00:30:38,160
and their tin can Corollas.
751
00:30:38,160 --> 00:30:43,160
Jesus, crack open a friggin'
paper once in a while.
752
00:30:43,160 --> 00:30:45,160
It's a conspiracy.
753
00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:51,790
I'm sorry, Dad.
I didn't know.
754
00:30:51,790 --> 00:30:55,120
Yeah, well, Detroit'll
bounce back.
755
00:30:55,120 --> 00:30:58,540
They can't kill
our quality and innovation.
756
00:30:58,540 --> 00:31:00,710
Fucking samurais.
757
00:31:04,330 --> 00:31:07,660
It's easy to be sad in Michigan.
758
00:31:07,660 --> 00:31:10,620
It's so grey there.
759
00:31:10,620 --> 00:31:12,710
You inviting us out
was a godsend.
760
00:31:12,710 --> 00:31:14,080
I just thought if Dad could
761
00:31:14,080 --> 00:31:17,200
spend some time with
the sunshine and palm trees...
762
00:31:17,200 --> 00:31:21,120
Can we please stop talking
about me now?
763
00:31:28,040 --> 00:31:30,450
Judy Elder's headlining tonight.
764
00:31:30,450 --> 00:31:31,200
I can get us passes.
765
00:31:31,200 --> 00:31:33,620
Oh, Dad, you like Judy Elder.
766
00:31:33,620 --> 00:31:35,080
- You think she's funny.
- I do?
767
00:31:35,080 --> 00:31:38,200
Yeah, you and Mom have one
of her, uh, party albums.
768
00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:41,540
Right.
Of course.
769
00:31:41,540 --> 00:31:43,540
But she's no Dionne Warwick.
770
00:31:48,910 --> 00:31:51,450
Hey, you, uh,
Steve the ventriloquist?
771
00:31:51,450 --> 00:31:52,870
What gave it away?
772
00:31:52,870 --> 00:31:54,330
Ha, yeah, yeah.
773
00:31:54,330 --> 00:31:56,370
What's up?
I-I-I'm Adam Proteau.
774
00:31:56,370 --> 00:31:57,750
I'm following you
in The Cellar tonight.
775
00:31:57,750 --> 00:31:58,830
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
776
00:31:58,830 --> 00:32:00,750
Oh, it's nice to meet you, Adam.
777
00:32:00,750 --> 00:32:01,790
Uh, and this is Sam.
Uh, say hi, Sam.
778
00:32:01,790 --> 00:32:04,750
Hello, Mr. Proteau.
779
00:32:04,750 --> 00:32:06,910
Pleasure to make
your acquaintance.
780
00:32:06,910 --> 00:32:08,540
So where'd you two guys meet?
781
00:32:08,540 --> 00:32:09,450
Pittsburgh, yeah.
782
00:32:09,450 --> 00:32:12,450
Got him for my, uh,
my 12th birthday.
783
00:32:12,450 --> 00:32:13,080
Been together since.
784
00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:15,040
- No shit?
- Yeah.
785
00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:16,290
I got a cousin in Pittsburgh.
786
00:32:16,290 --> 00:32:18,540
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, yeah.
787
00:32:18,540 --> 00:32:20,580
So what's your, um,
what's your gist?
788
00:32:20,580 --> 00:32:24,500
You mean, what's my jive?
789
00:32:24,500 --> 00:32:26,160
No, like,
what-what's your act about?
790
00:32:26,160 --> 00:32:29,450
Oh, yeah, it's, uh,
mainly observational humor
791
00:32:29,450 --> 00:32:32,160
about, uh, cultural differences,
like, uh...
792
00:32:32,160 --> 00:32:34,750
Did you see Planet of the Apes?
793
00:32:34,750 --> 00:32:36,040
Well, yeah,
it's a-a good movie,
794
00:32:36,040 --> 00:32:37,370
- actually.
- Hmm.
795
00:32:37,370 --> 00:32:40,040
Did it make you homesick?
796
00:32:40,040 --> 00:32:41,040
Excuse me?
797
00:32:41,040 --> 00:32:42,330
Be honest.
798
00:32:42,330 --> 00:32:43,870
Do you really still think
your father
799
00:32:43,870 --> 00:32:44,830
went out for a pack
of cigarettes?
800
00:32:44,830 --> 00:32:46,620
I'm sorry, hey.
801
00:32:46,620 --> 00:32:50,290
I-I'm... he says some
outrageous shit sometimes.
802
00:32:50,290 --> 00:32:52,040
But you said it.
You the dummy.
803
00:32:52,040 --> 00:32:53,370
Am I?
804
00:32:53,370 --> 00:32:54,290
Is the author
writing the character
805
00:32:54,290 --> 00:32:56,710
or the character
writing the author?
806
00:32:56,710 --> 00:32:58,120
Be careful, Steve.
807
00:32:58,120 --> 00:32:59,750
He looks mad.
808
00:32:59,750 --> 00:33:01,620
And blacks are genetically
more prone to violence
809
00:33:01,620 --> 00:33:04,620
than any other mammal.
810
00:33:04,620 --> 00:33:06,330
I read that
in a book about dogs.
811
00:33:06,330 --> 00:33:07,330
Whoa.
812
00:33:07,330 --> 00:33:09,160
See, now we're about to have
a fucking problem.
813
00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:12,000
Okay, listen, it's gonna
be hard to defend you
814
00:33:12,000 --> 00:33:14,250
if you, uh, you prove his point.
815
00:33:14,250 --> 00:33:14,750
Careful, Steve.
816
00:33:14,750 --> 00:33:17,330
He's got a gun.
817
00:33:17,330 --> 00:33:19,540
I mean, statistically speaking!
818
00:33:19,540 --> 00:33:21,370
Hey-hey-hey-hey!
819
00:33:21,370 --> 00:33:23,000
Knock it the fuck off
or I'll bounce you out of here!
820
00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:25,000
They always lunge for the dummy.
821
00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:27,410
What the fuck are you thinking?
822
00:33:27,410 --> 00:33:29,790
I'm not following that
cracker puppet motherfucker.
823
00:33:29,790 --> 00:33:31,200
It's his act!
824
00:33:31,200 --> 00:33:32,500
You seen All in the Family?
825
00:33:32,500 --> 00:33:33,960
The doll is Archie Bunker.
826
00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:35,830
No, that guy's
just straight-up racist.
827
00:33:35,830 --> 00:33:38,120
Obviously, you just
don't understand satire.
828
00:33:38,120 --> 00:33:41,330
Racist shit passing for comedy
isn't satire.
829
00:33:41,330 --> 00:33:42,710
That's... there's intent there.
830
00:33:42,710 --> 00:33:44,040
Ooh, hey, Huey Newton,
831
00:33:44,040 --> 00:33:45,500
you don't have
to go up at all tonight.
832
00:33:45,500 --> 00:33:47,040
I'd honestly understand
if you didn't.
833
00:33:47,040 --> 00:33:47,960
My grandparents
are from Tuskegee.
834
00:33:47,960 --> 00:33:51,160
I know why the caged bird sings.
835
00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:54,500
Goldie here?
836
00:33:54,500 --> 00:33:55,290
You know, you put up
some shelves for her.
837
00:33:55,290 --> 00:33:57,830
You didn't save her
from drowning.
838
00:33:57,830 --> 00:33:58,830
I'm not pulling his act.
839
00:34:01,580 --> 00:34:02,830
You're welcome.
840
00:34:07,710 --> 00:34:09,540
So does it sound like
it's telling me
841
00:34:09,540 --> 00:34:10,450
to go fuck myself?
842
00:34:10,450 --> 00:34:12,290
Your first problem is that
843
00:34:12,290 --> 00:34:13,120
there's over 200,000 miles
on it.
844
00:34:13,120 --> 00:34:16,660
Believe it or not,
I bought it new.
845
00:34:16,660 --> 00:34:20,250
It's like a fourth kid,
only it eats twice as much.
846
00:34:20,250 --> 00:34:22,960
You have three kids?
847
00:34:22,960 --> 00:34:23,750
In three different time zones.
848
00:34:23,750 --> 00:34:25,870
I have a newborn.
849
00:34:25,870 --> 00:34:26,710
Boy or girl?
850
00:34:26,710 --> 00:34:27,910
Uh, don't know yet.
851
00:34:27,910 --> 00:34:30,290
We haven't taken the diaper off.
852
00:34:30,290 --> 00:34:31,410
Should use that.
853
00:34:31,410 --> 00:34:33,750
Ah, three kids.
854
00:34:33,750 --> 00:34:35,370
Three adults.
855
00:34:35,370 --> 00:34:36,710
Goes by fast.
856
00:34:36,710 --> 00:34:41,290
This is where you tell me, uh,
to cherish the moment, right?
857
00:34:41,290 --> 00:34:42,750
'Cause so far it's been nothing
858
00:34:42,750 --> 00:34:46,450
but screaming and shitting
and puking.
859
00:34:46,450 --> 00:34:47,960
You'll look back fondly
when it's all
860
00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:51,710
bitching, borrowing,
and blaming.
861
00:34:51,710 --> 00:34:52,710
But all three went to college,
862
00:34:52,710 --> 00:34:56,410
so it sounds a little
more eloquent than that.
863
00:34:56,410 --> 00:34:59,370
All right, you have
a flooded carburetor.
864
00:34:59,370 --> 00:35:02,790
So we're gonna let that sit
for a second.
865
00:35:02,790 --> 00:35:05,620
That's so impressive.
866
00:35:05,620 --> 00:35:06,710
What does your husband do?
867
00:35:06,710 --> 00:35:10,200
With him, it's less about what
and more about who.
868
00:35:10,200 --> 00:35:11,660
But to his credit,
869
00:35:11,660 --> 00:35:13,910
he always remembers
their birthdays.
870
00:35:13,910 --> 00:35:15,450
Every year he sends
each one of them a card
871
00:35:15,450 --> 00:35:17,870
with five bucks inside
and a photo
872
00:35:17,870 --> 00:35:20,960
of the most recent
alcoholic waitress he's banging.
873
00:35:22,290 --> 00:35:24,200
Well, your kids
must appreciate it.
874
00:35:24,200 --> 00:35:24,910
All the sacrifices you made.
875
00:35:24,910 --> 00:35:27,580
Come on.
876
00:35:27,580 --> 00:35:28,580
What?
877
00:35:28,580 --> 00:35:31,500
I've sung that lullaby.
It's a lot of malarky.
878
00:35:31,500 --> 00:35:32,200
And you know it.
879
00:35:32,200 --> 00:35:34,250
Kids grew up without a mother
880
00:35:34,250 --> 00:35:37,330
so she could bask
in the adoration of strangers.
881
00:35:37,330 --> 00:35:39,620
We don't suffer for our art.
882
00:35:39,620 --> 00:35:41,120
We love it.
883
00:35:42,830 --> 00:35:45,540
People that love us,
884
00:35:45,540 --> 00:35:47,370
they're the ones
that do the suffering.
885
00:35:50,330 --> 00:35:51,960
He just doesn't get it.
886
00:35:51,960 --> 00:35:53,790
Norman Lear's got three Emmys.
887
00:35:53,790 --> 00:35:55,160
It's called social satire.
888
00:35:55,160 --> 00:35:56,960
Welcome to my world!
889
00:35:56,960 --> 00:35:58,750
You can't talk to those people
890
00:35:58,750 --> 00:36:00,200
unless you got a fire hose
in one hand
891
00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:01,960
and a German Shepherd
in the other.
892
00:36:01,960 --> 00:36:03,000
They don't get what I do.
893
00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:06,540
I say what everybody thinks.
894
00:36:06,540 --> 00:36:08,790
You know, it's society
that throws its voice
895
00:36:08,790 --> 00:36:10,830
through me.
896
00:36:12,040 --> 00:36:15,290
Jazz and syphilis experiments.
897
00:36:15,290 --> 00:36:17,450
Should have picked
our own fucking cotton.
898
00:36:19,660 --> 00:36:21,080
I gotta pee.
899
00:36:21,080 --> 00:36:22,710
I like your shoes.
900
00:36:24,620 --> 00:36:25,960
So my doctor tells me
901
00:36:25,960 --> 00:36:27,830
I'm a heart attack
waiting to happen.
902
00:36:27,830 --> 00:36:29,580
So I says to him, I says, "Doc,
903
00:36:29,580 --> 00:36:31,660
if I'm waiting as long
for the heart attack
904
00:36:31,660 --> 00:36:33,370
as I was
to get in here to see you,
905
00:36:33,370 --> 00:36:34,370
I'm all right with that!"
906
00:36:36,330 --> 00:36:38,830
Why is it that people laugh
at everything
907
00:36:38,830 --> 00:36:40,830
that comes out
of a fat comic's mouth?
908
00:36:40,830 --> 00:36:42,200
Present company excluded.
909
00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:45,960
That could be you up there,
but you sold your soul
910
00:36:45,960 --> 00:36:48,540
for a pocket full of shrimp
and some finger sandwiches.
911
00:36:48,540 --> 00:36:50,960
Fucking Indians got
a better deal on Manhattan.
912
00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:52,200
'Cause when I step off
the city bus every day,
913
00:36:52,200 --> 00:36:55,870
it tips over
and bursts into flames!
914
00:36:58,870 --> 00:37:00,370
It's true.
915
00:37:00,370 --> 00:37:01,370
He's that fat.
916
00:37:03,370 --> 00:37:04,370
Oh, come on, Edgar.
917
00:37:42,200 --> 00:37:43,540
I say we take the high road
918
00:37:43,540 --> 00:37:45,290
and just beat
the shit out of him.
919
00:37:45,290 --> 00:37:46,910
My uncle always says
you can beat the shit
920
00:37:46,910 --> 00:37:48,710
out of somebody,
but not the stupid.
921
00:37:48,710 --> 00:37:50,580
Ahh.
You know how most people say
922
00:37:50,580 --> 00:37:53,540
- what goes around comes around?
- Mm-hmm.
923
00:37:53,540 --> 00:37:54,750
Well, my mother used to say,
924
00:37:54,750 --> 00:37:58,080
if that takes too long, just
step on his fucking glasses.
925
00:37:58,080 --> 00:37:59,910
Your mama sound dangerous.
926
00:37:59,910 --> 00:38:03,370
She is.
She is.
927
00:38:03,370 --> 00:38:05,540
You know what? I wanted
to apologize to everyone.
928
00:38:05,540 --> 00:38:07,120
I'm sorry about
all those fire trucks
929
00:38:07,120 --> 00:38:08,330
you saw on the way here.
930
00:38:08,330 --> 00:38:10,870
I actually burned my bra
last week
931
00:38:10,870 --> 00:38:12,290
and it's still going.
932
00:38:15,450 --> 00:38:16,790
I had a breast exam
the other day.
933
00:38:16,790 --> 00:38:17,990
They found the Lindbergh baby.
934
00:38:20,200 --> 00:38:21,960
Oh, yeah, yeah.
935
00:38:21,960 --> 00:38:24,120
Told the doctor
that I wanted to breast-feed,
936
00:38:24,120 --> 00:38:25,960
and, uh, he said, "Great!
937
00:38:25,960 --> 00:38:28,250
I take lunch at one."
938
00:38:29,450 --> 00:38:32,330
Now, that's how to tell a joke.
939
00:38:32,330 --> 00:38:33,290
Boys just ain't hungry.
I'll tell you that much.
940
00:38:33,290 --> 00:38:37,040
Is she really
an acquaintance of yours?
941
00:38:37,040 --> 00:38:37,870
- Judy?
- Yeah?
942
00:38:37,870 --> 00:38:38,960
Uh-huh.
943
00:38:38,960 --> 00:38:42,370
Do you think you could
introduce us after the show?
944
00:38:42,370 --> 00:38:45,120
Your mother'd get
a big kick out of it.
945
00:38:45,120 --> 00:38:46,910
- Sure thing, Pop.
- I actually think
946
00:38:46,910 --> 00:38:49,000
the last man ever to look me
straight in the eyes...
947
00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:51,250
Excuse me.
Ladies room.
948
00:38:51,250 --> 00:38:52,330
I don't know if you noticed,
949
00:38:52,330 --> 00:38:55,450
but I happen to be a 36 triple.
950
00:38:55,450 --> 00:38:57,910
Are you fucking kidding me?
951
00:38:57,910 --> 00:39:01,040
You know, the titties
aren't even that big.
952
00:39:01,040 --> 00:39:04,000
You know, someone asked me...
- See that? - Hmm?
953
00:39:04,000 --> 00:39:07,330
If I ever turn into her,
do me a favor and kill me.
954
00:39:07,330 --> 00:39:08,080
No, I'm not kidding.
955
00:39:08,080 --> 00:39:10,250
Shoot me between the eyes,
956
00:39:10,250 --> 00:39:11,750
stuff me in a duffel bag,
957
00:39:11,750 --> 00:39:13,750
and toss me in a reservoir.
958
00:39:13,750 --> 00:39:17,080
Hey, Cassie, just
shut the fuck up.
959
00:39:17,080 --> 00:39:18,370
They were telling me
that their husbands
960
00:39:18,370 --> 00:39:20,750
actually have names
for their schlongs.
961
00:39:20,750 --> 00:39:22,500
What do you call a dog
with no legs?
962
00:39:22,500 --> 00:39:23,120
Nothing, no matter
what you call him,
963
00:39:23,120 --> 00:39:25,250
he ain't coming.
964
00:39:26,200 --> 00:39:27,660
Where the fuck is he?
965
00:39:27,660 --> 00:39:29,830
Who?
966
00:39:29,830 --> 00:39:31,330
My act! Sam!
Who do you think?
967
00:39:31,330 --> 00:39:33,120
Oh, I, uh, I think I saw him
968
00:39:33,120 --> 00:39:35,120
in the janitor's closet
flirting with a mop handle.
969
00:39:35,120 --> 00:39:36,370
Yeah, you know, I heard him
970
00:39:36,370 --> 00:39:37,500
tell somebody
that he really liked you.
971
00:39:37,500 --> 00:39:38,910
He just kind of wanted to feel
972
00:39:38,910 --> 00:39:40,450
other men's hands up his ass.
973
00:39:40,450 --> 00:39:42,410
Hey-hey-hey!
No fucking around!
974
00:39:42,410 --> 00:39:44,040
If one of you guys stole it,
just fucking come clean
975
00:39:44,040 --> 00:39:45,450
or you'll own it later.
976
00:39:45,450 --> 00:39:46,080
Which one of you took him?
977
00:39:46,080 --> 00:39:48,870
Sam was a $60 dummy.
978
00:39:48,870 --> 00:39:51,450
That's expensive dollcraft!
979
00:39:51,450 --> 00:39:52,660
If I did it,
I would want credit.
980
00:39:52,660 --> 00:39:54,620
Shit, not me.
That's too obvious.
981
00:39:54,620 --> 00:39:57,370
Look, man, we don't
have your dummy, all right?
982
00:39:57,370 --> 00:39:58,870
So other than "you're fucked"
there's not a lot more
983
00:39:58,870 --> 00:40:00,370
we can add to this conversation.
984
00:40:00,370 --> 00:40:02,290
Did you say "dollcraft"?
985
00:40:02,290 --> 00:40:04,000
Give it up for
986
00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:05,040
The Cellar's
second-favorite ventriloquist,
987
00:40:05,040 --> 00:40:09,750
Steve Gileski and
his little buddy, Sam Bowie.
988
00:40:09,750 --> 00:40:11,250
Subtle, huh?
989
00:40:13,620 --> 00:40:15,580
- Hey.
- Steve, you're up.
990
00:40:15,580 --> 00:40:17,830
How am I up
without my fucking act?
991
00:40:17,830 --> 00:40:20,290
What am I gonna do?
They called you up.
992
00:40:20,290 --> 00:40:21,830
All right.
Tell Fitzy to vamp.
993
00:40:21,830 --> 00:40:25,120
- Uh, excuse me.
- I'ma check the shitter again.
994
00:40:25,120 --> 00:40:26,540
Nice hair.
995
00:40:29,500 --> 00:40:32,870
Hey, uh,
can I borrow that for a bit?
996
00:40:32,870 --> 00:40:35,410
You mind?
Thank you so much.
997
00:40:35,410 --> 00:40:36,830
Cheers.
998
00:40:40,500 --> 00:40:43,750
Great.
Dead air and no one onstage.
999
00:40:53,790 --> 00:40:55,870
Hey, everybody,
I'm Steve Gileski
1000
00:40:55,870 --> 00:40:57,790
and I'm a racist prick.
1001
00:40:59,000 --> 00:41:00,500
Thank you.
1002
00:41:00,500 --> 00:41:02,660
Thank you.
I just...
1003
00:41:02,660 --> 00:41:05,370
No, I'm Steve Gileski,
and I'm a racist prick.
1004
00:41:09,410 --> 00:41:11,910
And I'm your host, Adam Proteau,
and welcome to
1005
00:41:11,910 --> 00:41:13,350
You Bet Your Life
I'm a Racist Prick.
1006
00:41:16,750 --> 00:41:20,620
All right, now, you both
are big-time racists, right?
1007
00:41:20,620 --> 00:41:21,370
- That's right, Adam.
- Oh, tremendous racist, Adam.
1008
00:41:21,370 --> 00:41:22,290
- You know it.
- Go whites.
1009
00:41:22,290 --> 00:41:24,250
You got that right.
1010
00:41:26,370 --> 00:41:27,540
Perfect.
1011
00:41:27,540 --> 00:41:29,540
All right, racist number one...
Yes.
1012
00:41:29,540 --> 00:41:31,660
A Jew, a Mexican, and a
Negro all walk into a bar.
1013
00:41:31,660 --> 00:41:33,580
- Wow.
- Quickly.
1014
00:41:33,580 --> 00:41:35,040
Who's the first one
that you refuse service to?
1015
00:41:35,040 --> 00:41:37,200
The Negro, Adam.
1016
00:41:37,200 --> 00:41:39,160
Well, why is that?
1017
00:41:39,160 --> 00:41:41,250
Uh, you know,
no particular reason,
1018
00:41:41,250 --> 00:41:43,160
just he's-he's black,
1019
00:41:43,160 --> 00:41:45,120
I got a daughter,
that kind of thing.
1020
00:41:45,120 --> 00:41:47,450
No, no.
1021
00:41:47,450 --> 00:41:48,830
Wow.
1022
00:41:48,830 --> 00:41:51,710
Hatred based purely upon
skin color and stereotypes
1023
00:41:51,710 --> 00:41:54,450
perpetuated
by ignorance and fear?
1024
00:41:54,450 --> 00:41:55,410
Absolutely.
1025
00:41:55,410 --> 00:41:57,160
That's correct!
1026
00:41:59,160 --> 00:42:01,660
Contestant number one,
you get ten points!
1027
00:42:01,660 --> 00:42:02,750
- Hey!
- Whoa!
1028
00:42:02,750 --> 00:42:04,040
Very good.
1029
00:42:04,040 --> 00:42:05,830
Thank you, Adam.
1030
00:42:05,830 --> 00:42:06,580
Uh, I'd hug you right now,
but you're a threat
1031
00:42:06,580 --> 00:42:08,790
to my family and my way of life.
1032
00:42:08,790 --> 00:42:09,660
Sure, sure.
1033
00:42:09,660 --> 00:42:10,830
This is true.
1034
00:42:10,830 --> 00:42:13,580
All right, racist number two...
1035
00:42:13,580 --> 00:42:16,120
Uh, a kike, a coon, a dago,
and a spic, Adam.
1036
00:42:16,120 --> 00:42:17,710
That's correct!
1037
00:42:19,450 --> 00:42:21,580
Yeah, yeah.
1038
00:42:21,580 --> 00:42:23,250
Hold on, what was the question?
1039
00:42:23,250 --> 00:42:24,160
Who the fuck cares?
1040
00:42:24,160 --> 00:42:26,200
That was serious racist shit
right there.
1041
00:42:26,200 --> 00:42:27,410
Doesn't matter, doesn't matter.
1042
00:42:27,410 --> 00:42:30,080
Ten points
for contestant number two!
1043
00:42:31,580 --> 00:42:32,580
Ten points!
1044
00:42:38,870 --> 00:42:40,580
Whoa, guys!
1045
00:42:40,580 --> 00:42:42,710
You were really hitting
the high notes out there.
1046
00:42:42,710 --> 00:42:45,370
Ha! It was like taking
a hot bath in a crowded room.
1047
00:42:45,370 --> 00:42:48,200
I said it went well.
No one's calling you Cleopatra.
1048
00:42:48,200 --> 00:42:49,200
You want a topper?
1049
00:42:49,200 --> 00:42:51,040
Ehh, nah, nah.
1050
00:42:51,040 --> 00:42:52,040
It'll make me too sleepy.
1051
00:42:53,750 --> 00:42:55,910
I don't like
the hours you're keeping.
1052
00:42:55,910 --> 00:42:57,410
You're gonna drive your car off
of the road one of these days.
1053
00:42:57,410 --> 00:43:00,410
Your daughter needs you alive
1054
00:43:00,410 --> 00:43:01,790
when you walk her
down the aisle.
1055
00:43:01,790 --> 00:43:03,200
Tell her fianc? that.
1056
00:43:07,870 --> 00:43:10,250
You, uh, do me a favor?
1057
00:43:10,250 --> 00:43:13,450
Yeah.
What's up?
1058
00:43:13,450 --> 00:43:16,500
Take tomorrow night off, huh?
1059
00:43:16,500 --> 00:43:19,250
Go...
be with the family.
1060
00:43:19,250 --> 00:43:20,750
I'll pay you
as if you were here.
1061
00:43:22,410 --> 00:43:25,250
Thanks, but...
I'll be okay.
1062
00:43:27,370 --> 00:43:30,370
I wish someone would write me
a check just for looking pretty.
1063
00:43:33,160 --> 00:43:35,290
What?
1064
00:43:39,080 --> 00:43:41,790
Is that what this is?
1065
00:43:44,500 --> 00:43:46,330
Look.
1066
00:43:46,330 --> 00:43:49,500
This just isn't your crowd.
1067
00:43:49,500 --> 00:43:50,910
What?
1068
00:43:50,910 --> 00:43:52,580
They were laughing.
1069
00:43:52,580 --> 00:43:54,080
Uh, some of them.
1070
00:43:54,080 --> 00:43:58,000
Did... and each one of them
bought two drinks.
1071
00:43:58,000 --> 00:44:01,080
You built a brand
that works in Vegas.
1072
00:44:01,080 --> 00:44:03,540
Be proud of that.
1073
00:44:03,540 --> 00:44:05,450
LA's a younger crowd.
1074
00:44:05,450 --> 00:44:07,710
These kids, they don't
get you like I get you.
1075
00:44:07,710 --> 00:44:09,660
Th-they want new.
They want what's next.
1076
00:44:10,790 --> 00:44:11,620
"They," huh?
1077
00:44:11,620 --> 00:44:12,960
Yeah.
1078
00:44:15,290 --> 00:44:17,620
I used to push you in the pool.
1079
00:44:17,620 --> 00:44:20,000
Oh, you say that like
you taught me to swim.
1080
00:44:27,040 --> 00:44:30,000
This is the place.
1081
00:44:30,000 --> 00:44:31,910
This is it.
1082
00:44:31,910 --> 00:44:34,000
Do you want me to die in Vegas?
1083
00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:35,450
Or Joliet?
1084
00:44:35,450 --> 00:44:38,870
Or on some riverboat
cemented to the dock?
1085
00:44:38,870 --> 00:44:43,160
I got no one else to call,
Goldie, only you.
1086
00:44:43,160 --> 00:44:48,660
It's here... or I'm glue.
1087
00:44:50,910 --> 00:44:53,120
I'm trying to do you a favor.
1088
00:44:53,120 --> 00:44:57,500
I'm trying to let you walk home
in your heels and your fur.
1089
00:44:57,500 --> 00:45:00,250
Before you embarrass yourself.
1090
00:45:02,250 --> 00:45:04,540
Is it always just business
with you, Goldie?
1091
00:45:05,710 --> 00:45:08,000
Need someone to love...
1092
00:45:08,000 --> 00:45:09,040
I thought we were friends.
1093
00:45:09,040 --> 00:45:11,250
Ohh.
1094
00:45:11,250 --> 00:45:14,540
This is the friends part.
1095
00:45:14,540 --> 00:45:18,410
Need someone to love
1096
00:45:19,580 --> 00:45:21,540
The hell are you doing?
1097
00:45:21,540 --> 00:45:22,710
I'm paying the bill.
1098
00:45:22,710 --> 00:45:24,370
I'll see you and Susie
out front.
1099
00:45:24,370 --> 00:45:26,080
I got it, Dad.
1100
00:45:26,080 --> 00:45:28,370
They charge you for drinks?
You're an employee.
1101
00:45:28,370 --> 00:45:29,870
You're on vacation.
1102
00:45:29,870 --> 00:45:30,540
Unemployed.
1103
00:45:30,540 --> 00:45:33,790
Isn't that what you mean?
1104
00:45:33,790 --> 00:45:36,200
I'm just paying
for the drinks, Dad.
1105
00:45:36,200 --> 00:45:38,080
"Vacation."
1106
00:45:38,080 --> 00:45:40,910
What are you, some kind
of fucking smart aleck now?
1107
00:45:40,910 --> 00:45:44,500
What, you don't think
I hear your tone?
1108
00:45:44,500 --> 00:45:47,290
You think you're
some big fucking deal.
1109
00:45:47,290 --> 00:45:49,250
Well, listen here, Billy.
1110
00:45:49,250 --> 00:45:51,750
I can buy and sell you
ten times over,
1111
00:45:51,750 --> 00:45:55,500
so don't you
fucking forget that.
1112
00:45:55,500 --> 00:45:56,960
Fine, do you want to pay?
Pay.
1113
00:45:56,960 --> 00:46:00,410
No.
No, you go ahead, big shot.
1114
00:46:00,410 --> 00:46:02,050
Why don't you buy
the whole joint a round?
1115
00:46:05,660 --> 00:46:07,910
You're welcome.
1116
00:46:15,660 --> 00:46:19,080
Say what you just said.
1117
00:46:42,370 --> 00:46:43,580
Anyone got cables?
1118
00:46:43,580 --> 00:46:46,120
Yeah, I got some.
1119
00:46:46,120 --> 00:46:47,790
You're a prince.
1120
00:46:54,540 --> 00:46:56,330
Bum one of those?
1121
00:46:56,330 --> 00:46:58,450
Sure.
1122
00:47:05,870 --> 00:47:07,290
So who raised you?
1123
00:47:07,290 --> 00:47:08,250
What?
1124
00:47:08,250 --> 00:47:12,000
If your parents died,
then who raised you?
1125
00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:13,000
My uncle.
1126
00:47:17,500 --> 00:47:20,660
I liked your set
the other night.
1127
00:47:20,660 --> 00:47:23,200
Well, I think
you're in the minority.
1128
00:47:23,200 --> 00:47:27,120
What, are you waiting
for a consensus?
1129
00:47:27,120 --> 00:47:28,660
No, I'm not.
1130
00:47:28,660 --> 00:47:29,750
Good.
1131
00:47:29,750 --> 00:47:35,290
You tell ten people a
baby died, they all cry.
1132
00:47:35,290 --> 00:47:37,290
You tell ten people a joke?
1133
00:47:37,290 --> 00:47:41,410
Four laugh, four don't,
and two don't get it.
1134
00:47:41,410 --> 00:47:43,660
Just the way it is.
1135
00:47:43,660 --> 00:47:45,410
Right now,
I'd kill for those odds.
1136
00:47:45,410 --> 00:47:48,540
Ah, skinned knees.
1137
00:47:48,540 --> 00:47:50,660
It's all part of the game.
1138
00:47:50,660 --> 00:47:54,450
Come on, you're tough.
1139
00:47:56,620 --> 00:47:59,660
A hundred years from now,
1140
00:47:59,660 --> 00:48:02,080
people are still gonna be
listening to Beethoven
1141
00:48:02,080 --> 00:48:06,790
and ooh'ing over Michelangelo,
reading Shakespeare.
1142
00:48:06,790 --> 00:48:08,080
But us?
1143
00:48:08,080 --> 00:48:11,250
Jokes and shoulders,
that's what we are.
1144
00:48:11,250 --> 00:48:13,200
Yeah.
Jokes for people to laugh at
1145
00:48:13,200 --> 00:48:16,120
and shoulders for...
1146
00:48:16,120 --> 00:48:20,120
comics down the road
to stand on.
1147
00:48:20,120 --> 00:48:22,040
Fuck posterity.
1148
00:48:24,330 --> 00:48:26,450
You gotta push that envelope.
1149
00:48:26,450 --> 00:48:29,500
You got to shove it down
their fucking throats.
1150
00:48:29,500 --> 00:48:31,410
That's how you make your mark.
1151
00:48:32,830 --> 00:48:34,410
We're just a faint echo
1152
00:48:34,410 --> 00:48:36,830
in a joke told
a hundred years from now.
1153
00:48:36,830 --> 00:48:39,830
Trust me, I am not whining.
1154
00:48:41,870 --> 00:48:43,660
We get something better.
1155
00:48:45,450 --> 00:48:46,910
We get the moment.
1156
00:48:46,910 --> 00:48:49,910
You know, we get
the right fucking now.
1157
00:48:55,660 --> 00:48:58,370
I liked your set too.
1158
00:49:01,660 --> 00:49:04,660
Baloney.
1159
00:49:04,660 --> 00:49:06,250
Hey, did you find any?
1160
00:49:07,330 --> 00:49:09,250
Hold your fucking horses.
1161
00:49:09,250 --> 00:49:10,830
Unbelievable.
1162
00:49:30,790 --> 00:49:34,370
Toyota-loving cunt.
1163
00:49:34,370 --> 00:49:35,870
- Little bits of it.
- Oh, yeah!
1164
00:49:35,870 --> 00:49:38,040
Oh, Bill, just so you know,
1165
00:49:38,040 --> 00:49:40,620
if you would like
to pay the tab,
1166
00:49:40,620 --> 00:49:42,000
I promise not
to get pissed at you.
1167
00:49:42,000 --> 00:49:43,910
What's the age cutoff
for child abuse?
1168
00:49:43,910 --> 00:49:45,200
Is it 30?
1169
00:49:45,200 --> 00:49:46,620
Oh, shit, then it's just
regular abuse.
1170
00:49:46,620 --> 00:49:48,290
Doesn't get anywhere near
the sympathy.
1171
00:49:48,290 --> 00:49:50,000
Yeah, there's no adorable
spokesperson, is there?
1172
00:49:50,000 --> 00:49:51,960
When I was ten, my dad
beat me with a soup ladle
1173
00:49:51,960 --> 00:49:54,120
because I said that
Eisenhower walked like a lady.
1174
00:49:54,120 --> 00:49:56,080
In the middle of it,
he had an asthma attack
1175
00:49:56,080 --> 00:49:57,790
and my mom took over.
1176
00:49:57,790 --> 00:50:00,110
The really sad part is my mother
was a registered Democrat.
1177
00:50:01,160 --> 00:50:02,540
You know,
my father never hit me.
1178
00:50:02,540 --> 00:50:03,370
Really?
1179
00:50:03,370 --> 00:50:05,120
How did you guys
celebrate Christmas?
1180
00:50:05,120 --> 00:50:05,580
Left when I was five.
1181
00:50:05,580 --> 00:50:08,160
That's terrible.
1182
00:50:08,160 --> 00:50:11,200
Do you remember what you did
to make him not love you?
1183
00:50:11,200 --> 00:50:12,830
You don't know
how lucky you are, man.
1184
00:50:12,830 --> 00:50:14,080
Listen, I ain't mad.
1185
00:50:14,080 --> 00:50:15,450
The man did the best he could.
1186
00:50:15,450 --> 00:50:17,450
I think you mean
the least he could.
1187
00:50:17,450 --> 00:50:18,330
Oh, like your son ain't gonna be
1188
00:50:18,330 --> 00:50:20,580
bitching about you
when he's our age?
1189
00:50:20,580 --> 00:50:21,710
Yeah-yeah-yeah, that's why
I didn't order the fries.
1190
00:50:21,710 --> 00:50:23,160
I'm saving up for therapy.
1191
00:50:23,160 --> 00:50:24,830
That's smart.
My dad loves fries.
1192
00:50:24,830 --> 00:50:26,410
Come on, Bill,
there's got to be something
1193
00:50:26,410 --> 00:50:30,040
you can point to
that your father did right.
1194
00:50:30,040 --> 00:50:31,910
Well... I guess
he didn't hit us on Sundays
1195
00:50:31,910 --> 00:50:34,710
'cause that's God's day, so.
1196
00:50:34,710 --> 00:50:37,500
Come on, Bill.
1197
00:50:37,500 --> 00:50:38,450
Uh.
1198
00:50:38,450 --> 00:50:39,540
All right, well,
we were never hungry.
1199
00:50:39,540 --> 00:50:43,330
And, uh, there was always
a roof over our head.
1200
00:50:43,330 --> 00:50:44,870
There you go.
See?
1201
00:50:44,870 --> 00:50:47,370
Best you can do, right?
1202
00:50:47,370 --> 00:50:48,750
Yeah.
1203
00:50:48,750 --> 00:50:51,580
And that's all
your kid can hope for.
1204
00:51:00,450 --> 00:51:02,040
Heard-heard you wanted
to see me?
1205
00:51:02,040 --> 00:51:04,000
Come in.
Shut the door.
1206
00:51:15,200 --> 00:51:18,710
I'm very sorry to say,
1207
00:51:18,710 --> 00:51:20,790
but Edgar Martinez
is through here.
1208
00:51:20,790 --> 00:51:24,660
Goldie... But Manny Martinez
1209
00:51:24,660 --> 00:51:26,960
can play here
any night of the week.
1210
00:51:26,960 --> 00:51:29,000
Well, who-who's Manny?
1211
00:51:29,000 --> 00:51:30,710
That's you.
1212
00:51:30,710 --> 00:51:32,750
You're gonna change your name.
1213
00:51:32,750 --> 00:51:35,080
What?
But why?
1214
00:51:35,080 --> 00:51:36,830
What do you mean, why?
It's funnier.
1215
00:51:36,830 --> 00:51:38,620
Say it.
1216
00:51:38,620 --> 00:51:42,580
Manny Martinez.
1217
00:51:42,580 --> 00:51:46,410
Seriously?
1218
00:51:46,410 --> 00:51:48,580
Manny Martinez.
1219
00:51:48,580 --> 00:51:51,250
Again.
1220
00:51:51,250 --> 00:51:53,620
M-Manny Martinez.
1221
00:51:53,620 --> 00:51:54,660
Again.
1222
00:51:54,660 --> 00:51:57,580
M... Manny Martinez.
1223
00:51:57,580 --> 00:52:00,160
Again.
1224
00:52:03,200 --> 00:52:04,370
Manny Martinez.
1225
00:52:04,370 --> 00:52:06,160
Yeah, see how
it rolls off the tongue?
1226
00:52:06,160 --> 00:52:07,830
Edgar and I didn't get along.
1227
00:52:07,830 --> 00:52:10,080
He was always looking over my
shoulder for something better.
1228
00:52:10,080 --> 00:52:12,790
But Manny?
1229
00:52:12,790 --> 00:52:15,450
His future looks bright.
1230
00:52:15,450 --> 00:52:17,960
Now, you're gonna
go back to Teddy
1231
00:52:17,960 --> 00:52:21,500
and tell him
that Manny Martinez,
1232
00:52:21,500 --> 00:52:23,250
formerly known
as Edgar Martinez,
1233
00:52:23,250 --> 00:52:26,000
will no longer be playing there.
1234
00:52:26,000 --> 00:52:29,080
And when he asks you
why you changed your name,
1235
00:52:29,080 --> 00:52:31,710
you tell him you didn't.
1236
00:52:31,710 --> 00:52:34,290
I did.
1237
00:52:34,290 --> 00:52:36,500
You give your schedule to Arnie.
1238
00:52:36,500 --> 00:52:39,040
You can have any spot you want.
1239
00:52:40,790 --> 00:52:41,790
Thank you.
1240
00:52:49,580 --> 00:52:52,660
Oh, Manny?
1241
00:52:52,660 --> 00:52:54,580
Yeah?
1242
00:52:54,580 --> 00:52:56,290
Got a nice ring to it, huh?
1243
00:53:09,910 --> 00:53:13,000
Oh I could hide
1244
00:53:13,000 --> 00:53:15,540
'Neath the wings
1245
00:53:15,540 --> 00:53:19,960
Of the bluebird
as she sings
1246
00:53:19,960 --> 00:53:23,660
The six o'clock alarm
would never ring
1247
00:53:27,040 --> 00:53:28,750
But it rings
1248
00:53:28,750 --> 00:53:30,370
And I rise
1249
00:53:30,370 --> 00:53:34,870
Wipe the sleep
out of my eyes
1250
00:53:34,870 --> 00:53:38,040
The shaving razor's cold
1251
00:53:38,040 --> 00:53:39,040
And it stings
1252
00:53:42,870 --> 00:53:46,870
Cheer up, sleepy Jean
1253
00:53:46,870 --> 00:53:49,660
Oh what can it mean
1254
00:53:49,660 --> 00:53:53,200
To a daydream believer
1255
00:53:53,200 --> 00:53:58,080
And a homecoming queen
1256
00:53:59,120 --> 00:54:03,540
Cheer up, sleepy Jean
1257
00:54:03,540 --> 00:54:06,830
Oh what can it mean
1258
00:54:06,830 --> 00:54:10,370
To a daydream believer
1259
00:54:10,370 --> 00:54:15,450
And a homecoming queen
1260
00:54:24,710 --> 00:54:26,620
Cheer up, sleepy Jean
1261
00:54:27,285 --> 00:54:33,613
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