All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s04e02 Klink vs. the Gonculator.eng

( theme song playing )

Did you bring the radio
homing device with you?

Yes, I have it.

Good.

Underground has a man ready
to take it to the Allies.

Drop it in my bag
under the table.

No, I can't.

That's the way
we've done it before.

I took it from the model
they are testing Saturday.

If it's missing,
the Gestapo will round up

every man
in my department.

Major Lutz, what will we do?

This time, you must
get me out of Germany.

I'll take the homing
device to England myself.

But we can't get you out.

Every man
in your department

is being watched
by the Gestapo.

You told me that yourself.

It's true.

My man is sitting
at the bar

keeping an eye on me.

See him?

I'll have to talk
to my contact.

He may have an idea
of how to get you out.

If I don't hear
from you by Friday,

I'll have to put it
back in the rocket.

You'll hear from me, Major.

Good.

By the way,
Fraulein Finster,

I've been meaning
to ask you.

What is your first name?

Lila.

Lila.

That's a pretty name.

I can understand
the importance

of getting this
Major Lutz to England,

but I don't know
about using the tunnel.

It's the only way.

The Gestapo is watching
him all the time.

If he came
to a prison camp

on some
official business,

it would catch them
off guard.

Have your people
figured out a way

to get the major
into the camp?

No.

We thought you might
have an idea.

It's not like
inviting somebody to a birthday party.

I know it will
be difficult,

and we must get
him out of Germany

no later than
Saturday morning.

You say
this Major Lutz

is an expert
in electronics?

Yes.

Don't worry.

I'll think of something.

Oh, that's good.

No, I always say that

when I can't
think of a thing.

Hello, hello, hello.

What have we got here, then?

Yeah, let me see.

It's bigger
than a bread box.

Is it a big bread box?

Guess again.

It's a big flashlight.

It's my own design.

It's a rabbit trap.

That was
my next guess.

What do you want
a rabbit for?

He never tasted
hasenpfeffer.

I promised to make it.

The recipe calls
for a rabbit.

Uh-huh.

I know this is a ridiculous
question, Carter,

but how does it work?

Yeah.

I'll show you.

Oh, good.

NEWKIRK:
This'll be rich.

Watch.

This is the rabbit.

Sure it is.

Hippity-hoppity, hippity-hip.

Hippity-hoppity,
hippity-hop.

He sees the trap.

What is this?

Even the bloody rabbit
doesn't know what it is.

Shall I look inside?

It looks harmless.

I don't know
about the trap,

but the story you're telling
would make a great movie.

Maybe I'll take a little look.

Yeah, yeah--
go ahead.

Look at the door.

Room for my tender little ears
to get in

without getting bruised.

Oh, boy.

I'll take one... quick... look.

No, don't do it,
it's a trap!

( alarm beeping rhythmically )

( alarm stops )

What do you think?

Well, let me put it
this way, Carter.

If we were
fighting rabbits,

the war would be over
right now.

What is the whistle for?

CARTER:
That let's me know if I caught a rabbit.

Or somebody's hat.

I don't know what
to use for bait?

What do rabbits
like best?

Other rabbits.

HOGAN:
All right, look-- no excuses.

How much longer
is it going to take

to finish this
gonculator?

Well, we're having
a lot of trouble

getting the parts, sir.

You see, we've
got to attach

the wiring relays
to the rheostat,

so that the
merkle jammers

won't receive any
electronic interference.

Look, I want results.

This thing has got
to be finished by...

Oh, hi, Schultz.

LeBEAU:
Oh, hi, Schultz!

What did you bring us
today, huh?

Hmm...

What do you got there?

What are you hiding?

Nothing, why, uh...

we're not hiding
anything, Schultz.

It's a, uh, uh...

Back, back, back, back!

You call that nothing?

Well, it's a... it's a...

Yes, Colonel Hogan?

That's a rabbit trap,
right fellas?

Yeah.

A big fat rabbit trap.

Your basic
rabbit trap.

A rabbit trap.

Right.

Sure-- give
me your hat,

I'll show you
how it works.

Never mind, Carter.

Oh, yes, of course.

( chuckling ):
It's a...

uh... a rabbit trap.

Well...

I think I'll take a little nap.

That's a very good
idea, Schultzy.

I don't know whether
this thing'll get a rabbit,

but it sure works great
with pigeons.

Schultz, I left
strict instructions

not to be disturbed.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

But I was waiting outside
for two hours

and I have something
very important to report.

More important than all this
paperwork I'm doing here?

Well, I...

Is it so important
that it cannot wait until tomorrow?

Well, I...

Because, you see,
this can't!

The general's staff
is waiting to find out

how many paper napkins we use.

They can't go on with the war
until they find that out.

Dismissed.

Ha.

Colonel Klink...

Hogan, whatever it is,
it will have to wait until tomorrow.

I'm too busy.

Is that what you want
me to tell the men?

You're busy?

Is that all it
means to you?

What are you talking about?

Well, fine.

I'll tell them
that the insult to you,

which they
are taking personally,

isn't bothering you at all--

you, the man
they consider a legend,

is taking it all very calmly.

Hogan, wait!

What am I taking so calmly?
What insult?

I'm talking about the honor
that's been paid to Stalag 19

while we here at Stalag 13
are being ignored.

What honor?

You mean you...

Colonel Klink,
I'm sorry.

I should have realized
you knew nothing about it.

Hogan, will you please
come to the point?

Well, you know
Major Lutz,

your well-known
electronics expert?

Major Lutz?

Oh, yes, that Major Lutz.

Of course.

What about him?

Well, the major's perfected

a new electronic
prisoner-escape device.

It's being installed
in Stalag 19.

Why them
and not us?

I don't believe it.

He wouldn't do that to me.

Why, may I ask, has
Major Lutz been spending

the last four days
at Stalag 19?

That's outrageous.

Our camp has a much higher
rating than theirs.

I suppose you're
going to do something about it, sir?

Yes, and right away.

No!

I'll have to wait
until tomorrow.

First I have to finish
all this paperwork.

It never ends!

Eight copies
to every report.

Then another copy
for the fireproof vault.

Then another copy

in case there is a fire
in the fireproof vault.

That's what I call
efficiency.

You know, I used to have
the same problem

when I was
at the Pentagon.

I finally figured
a way to lick it

and never did any
paperwork after that.

What did you do?

Oh, I, uh, thought
of the most common name I could think of

and marked
all the papers

"To the attention
of Colonel John Smith"

and just sent it on.

You expect me to write,
"Attention Colonel John Smith,"

and have someone in the Pentagon
do my work?

Glad to see you haven't lost
your old sense of humor, sir.

Naturally in your case,

you'd mark it to the attention
of Colonel Johann Schmidt.

There must be thousands of guys

that have that name
in your army.

That would be cheating.

We don't do things like that
in our army.

It's just an idea.

And not a very good one.

Dismissed.

"Attention
Colonel Johann Schmidt."

"Attention
Colonel Johann Schmidt."

"Attention
Colonel Johann Schmidt."

( humming )

( knock at door )

Come in, come in, come in.

Ah, Sergeant Schultz,
come in.

What a pleasure
to see you.

Herr Kommandant,
I wish to make a report.

Oh, yes, that matter
that was so urgent.

Go on, go on.

While making my regular
barracks inspection,

I found everything
in order

in barrack one,
three and four.

But in barrack two...

( telephone rings )

Colonel Klink speaking.

Klink, this is
General Burkhalter.

General Burkhalter, what
a pleasure to hear from you.

I was just saying the other day
at the officer's club,

I was saying, "We never see
the general anymore."

You know the club does not seem
the same without you, sir.

Klink, shut up.

Yes, sir.

I'll be over later
for an inspection.

Have everything ready.

I don't want to spend any more
time there than I have to.

I understand sir.

A word to the wise.

I wouldn't call it that.

No, sir.

Oh, by the way, sir,
I was just wondering.

Why did Stalag 19 get

the electronic prisoner-escape
device and we didn't?

I mean, after all,
the record of our camp

is much better than theirs.

I don't know anything about it,

but if they got it
and you didn't,

it must be because they have had
escapes and you haven't.

That's exactly the way I felt--
a great compliment.

Good-bye.

That Hogan, why do I
always listen to him?

SCHULTZ ( over speaker ):
Herr Kommandant, may I go on with my report?

KLINK ( over speaker ):
Oh, yes, go on, Schultz, tell me what's so important.

Who wants to listen...

Wait a minute, wait a minute--
let's listen.

In barracks two,
I made a big discovery.

Colonel Hogan and his men
were building a... uh...

a gonculator.

A what?

A gon-cu-la-tor.

Go on.

Colonel Hogan was very angry
with his men

because it took them so long.

Something was said
about wiring relays in rheostats

and merkle jammers
and electronic interference.

The men acted
very guilty

when they saw me.

They told me
it was a rabbit trap.

I acted very stupid,
and not to make them suspicious,

I pretended I believed
the story.

A gonculator, huh?

I saw it with my own eyes.

Kinch, give me all the spare
parts you have for that radio.

Anything in particular,
Colonel?

Everything,
and I'm not particular.

Right.

Are you sure it was a...

gonculator?

No question about it.

Imagine the nerve of that Hogan

thinking he can build a
gonculator right under my nose.

Here they come.

HOGAN:
Okay, places and watch the overacting.

SCHULTZ:
Attention, everybody, Herr Kommandant is here!

KLINK:
Colonel Hogan, there will be an inspection later.

I want you to take your men

and have them clean up
the motor pool area.

I'd like to leave one man behind
to sort of tidy up.

When I say all,
I mean all.

All right, fellas, let's go.

( men grumbling )

SCHULTZ:
Come on, let's go!

Raus!

Schnell!

Are you sure it's here?

It's got to be,
Herr Kommandant.

Mm-hmm.

Fresh sawdust.

Aha...

See,
Herr Kommandant,

I told you.

What do you think?

It's a gonculator, all right.

It's, uh, uh...

not quite like ours.

Ours is, uh...
a little different,

but there's no doubt about it,
it's a gonculator.

Shall I smash it?

No!

I want General Burkhalter
to see this first.

What kind of a surprise?

I want you to find out for
yourself, General Burkhalter.

Now, as you know,
I keep a very close eye

on everything that goes on
in this camp.

No detail too small
for me to observe.

I always say to myself,
Klink, expect the unexpected.

Suspect
the unsuspected.

And above all, I say...

Oh, another one
of your headaches?

Is there anything
that you could take

that would help?

Yes, I can take my leave.

Now, Klink, show me
the surprise

you were talking about.

Yes, sir.

If you will come
with me, please.

This way, sir.

What is it?

A gonculator.

Hogan and his men
are building one.

A gonculator?

As you can see for yourself,

it has many of the same
features as ours.

Naturally not quite the same.

Of course not-- that's what
had me fooled for a moment.

But it can be used
for the same purpose.

But not quite as efficient
as ours.

Even with the merkle jammer

and the wiring relays
with the rheostat.

Huh?

How would you say
this gonculator

is basically different
from ours?

Oh, I-I wouldn't dream
of pointing something out

that you know

far better
than I do.

I suppose you're going to report
this to the high command?

Report?

Klink, I want you
to make the written report.

Oh, sir, I think that
honor should go to you,

my superior officer.

And as your
superior officer,

I order you
to make the report.

General Burkhalter,
may I suggest

that we let Colonel Hogan
finish this gonculator.

Then we seize it,

and thus we have
a working model

of the American type?

Good idea.

But we must keep an eye
on Hogan every moment.

Oh, General Burkhalter,

when it comes
to Colonel Hogan, I can assure you

I'm always one step
ahead of him.

Ja.

Ja, Herr Kommandant.

They're still working
on the gonculator.

Keep watching and report
everything that happens.

He's still looking,
isn't he?

Like a ruddy hawk.

Hey, LeBeau, give us
a light, will you?

Herr Kommandant?

The gonculator lights
cigarettes.

Are you sure?

I want to know
every move they make.

Get me the supply depot.

( phone rings )

Captain Dingels, supply officer.

Yes, Colonel Klink.

Information about
the gonculator?

Well, of course
I know what it is.

What, uh...

What model number
did you want to know about?

Oh...

Well, naturally, sir, we, uh...

we must have the model number.

Gen... general information?

Well... uh...

Well, I'm sorry, sir.

The gonculator
is classified "secret"

and we are not allowed
to give that information out.

Yes, sir.

( phone rings )

Captain Dingels, supply officer.

Yes, General Burkhalter.

You... want to know
about the gonculator?

Well, I'm sorry, sir,

the gonculator is
classified "secret"

and we are not allowed
to give that information out.

Yes, sir.

Gonculator...

( whispering ):
Kinch?

Got any more radio parts?

No, we're fresh out.

But here's an old alarm
clock I took apart.

Oh, good.

Hey, Colonel,
where should I put this?

Carter...

what difference
does it make?

Mm-hmm.

Anything new?

They're still
working on it, General.

Klink, it is
very important

that Hogan finish
the gonculator.

Yes, General.

But we must find out
how close it is to ours.

You know, ours is
a classified secret.

Of course I know.

That's the very reason

we want to see
the American model.

( softly ):
Did you get the German uniform?

LeBEAU:
It's in your office.

Okay, this is
the time.

( loudly ):
Ah, it's no use!

We can't finish
the gonculator.

But, Colonel,

we can't
give up now.

LeBEAU:
Sure, it's almost done.

Who are we kidding--
we can only go so far.

Without the Lutz diagram,

we might as well
forget all about it.

NEWKIRK:
Colonel,

is the Lutz diagram
so important?

Newkirk, the Lutz diagram is
the heart of the whole machine.

What's going on?

They stopped working

because they have not got
the Lutz diagram.

Well, let's get
it for them.

What is it?

Lutz, Lutz-- where have
I heard that name before?

Oh, yes, Major Lutz,
the electronics expert.

His name came up
just the other day.

Major Lutz.

I'll get him here
right away.

Major Lutz is on the way.

Good.

Hey, we did
it again!

( softly ):
Hold the celebration.

We still have to get him
down in the tunnel

and get that homing device
back to England.

Colonel?

You need Schultz any more?

No, we're finished
with him.

Right.

( whistling )

Oh, my goodness!

Look what I've...

Schultz, what were you
doing there anyway?

Are you sure you have
the right man?

There are more important people
in my department than I am.

Now, come now,
don't be so modest.

We've heard a lot
about you.

You have?

And the Lutz
diagram.

The Lutz diagram?

Mm-hmm.

Who's that?

He's from the Gestapo.

He's assigned to me because
of the kind of work I do.

All the people in my department
have our shadows.

I suppose we can't
be too careful--

especially with things
like the gonculator.

That what?

The gonculator.

Never heard of it.

Oh, we understand
your denying it.

It's a proper
security procedure,

but we know all about
the gonculator.

There's one right here
in this camp.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

If we show you one,
will you admit it?

Naturally, sir.

I cannot deny something
if I see it,

whatever it is.

Oh, it isn't a
"whatever it is."

It is a gonculator.

KLINK:
Here is your gonculator.

Schultz, bring it to the table.

( straining )

There is your
gonculator.

It's not a gonculator.

It's a toy I made
for my little niece Lila.

KLINK:
Now, don't bother Major Lutz.

But I promised Lila

I'd send it to her
in England.

Look, Hogan,

you're in enough
trouble already.

You're just
making it worse.

What was it
you called this?

A gonculator, Major.

Of course, it's quite different
from our model, but...

Why am I telling you
all this?

You are the expert.

As you say, it's not like
our German gonculator.

Not as good.

Of course not.

Ah, yes.

Still quite
interesting.

Will someone please
plug this in?

Sergeant?

Jawohl.

Be careful.

Klink, don't be an idiot--
this man is an expert.

( clicks gonculator on )

( gonculator whirring
and whistling )

Pull out the plug!

Schultz, pull out
the plug!

Where's Major Lutz?

Oh, no.

Is that all that is left
of Major Lutz?

Let us have
a moment of silence...

to honor that brave man...

who gave his all
for the Fatherland.

Here it is.

Good.

We have no time to waste.

They are waiting for us
at the end of the tunnel.

I think I'd better go

and explain
to the Gestapo man what happened.

Yes, sir.

Poor Major Lutz.

Hogan, I'm going to throw
the book at you.

What did I do?

You know what-- you built
an illegal gonculator.

Who's going to believe

a bunch of
prisoners of war

would build
a piece of equipment

that can only be used
in a submarine.

Submarine?

I knew I should have
called the navy.

But I am still
going to report this

to the Prisoner of War
Commission of the High Command.

Fine.

Mark it to the attention
of the officer in charge:

Colonel Johann Schmidt.

Colonel Johann Schmidt?

Perhaps we better
forget it?

Hogan, you will give me
your word of honor

that this will
never happen again.

I promise...
I'll never make another gonculator.

Carter?

How about repairing
your rabbit trap.

We'll all help.

Nah, it's no use, Colonel,
it's ruined.

Hey!

Hey, the trap worked.

Hey, I got
myself rabbit.

How about that?

We're going to have that
hasenpfeffer after all.

We got everything we need.

That's what you're
going to be: hasenpfeffer.

Why's he looking at me
like that?

Well, Carter,
how would you feel

if someone
just told you

you were going to be
hasenpfeffer?

Okay.

Go home.

Hey, looks like
he's found a home with us.

He likes us.

Let's keep it as a pet.

One rabbit won't be
too much trouble, will it, Colonel?

Carter, my boy, I must
tell you the truth--

there is no such thing
as one rabbit.

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