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1
00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:10,544
[car honking]
2
00:00:10,644 --> 00:00:11,512
Whoa.
3
00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:13,547
You can't put that in there.
4
00:00:13,647 --> 00:00:14,748
Sure I can.
See?
5
00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:15,683
Look.
6
00:00:15,783 --> 00:00:16,917
Fits.
7
00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:20,921
Garbage and recycling
are two solitudes, bromigo.
8
00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:22,856
That's why they're
different colors.
9
00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:24,192
You realize you're
the only person
10
00:00:24,292 --> 00:00:27,027
left on the planet who still
cares about this crap, huh?
11
00:00:27,128 --> 00:00:28,496
Actually, there's
millions of us.
12
00:00:28,596 --> 00:00:31,232
Just no one you golf with.
13
00:00:31,332 --> 00:00:33,401
What took so long back there?
14
00:00:33,501 --> 00:00:35,136
I go to use the bathroom,
but I leave my coffee
15
00:00:35,236 --> 00:00:36,437
on the back of the toilet.
16
00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:37,905
Then, another guy comes in.
17
00:00:38,005 --> 00:00:40,108
So I had to wait
for him to leave
18
00:00:40,208 --> 00:00:41,209
so I can get my coffee back.
19
00:00:41,309 --> 00:00:42,343
See?
20
00:00:42,443 --> 00:00:43,811
I'm calling the coffee a
write-off at that point.
21
00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:46,847
We're very different people.
22
00:00:46,947 --> 00:00:49,650
Whoa.
23
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:52,253
Home pregnancy tests.
24
00:00:52,353 --> 00:00:53,754
Oh, man.
25
00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:54,922
That's gross.
26
00:00:55,022 --> 00:00:56,657
Says the guy
drinking toilet coffee.
27
00:01:00,194 --> 00:01:01,629
This is positive.
28
00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:02,763
You don't think--
29
00:01:02,863 --> 00:01:04,198
- Jessie's pregnant.
- No.
30
00:01:04,298 --> 00:01:04,898
No.
No.
31
00:01:04,998 --> 00:01:05,733
I mean, we use condoms.
32
00:01:05,833 --> 00:01:06,767
And our condoms wear condoms.
33
00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:08,902
And those condoms,
they're on the pill.
34
00:01:09,002 --> 00:01:11,372
It was in Phil's garbage,
so it's probably Tara's.
35
00:01:11,472 --> 00:01:12,273
Whatever you say, Daddio.
36
00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:19,980
Jess, you would not
believe what I found.
37
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,549
JESSIE: [vomiting].
38
00:01:21,649 --> 00:01:23,784
Jess?
39
00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:25,453
JESSIE: Just a second.
40
00:01:25,553 --> 00:01:28,456
Are you--
41
00:01:28,556 --> 00:01:29,490
JESSIE: [coughing].
42
00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:30,391
Oh, god.
43
00:01:30,491 --> 00:01:31,292
You are.
44
00:01:35,129 --> 00:01:37,931
[theme music]
45
00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:42,035
THEME SONG: Can we find a
way that we can be together?
46
00:01:42,136 --> 00:01:47,508
Is there any way that
we can be together?
47
00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:51,479
And oh, by the way,
baby, do you love me?
48
00:01:51,579 --> 00:01:52,946
Yes, I do.
49
00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:54,448
Yes, I do.
50
00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:57,418
Yes, I do.
51
00:01:57,518 --> 00:01:58,419
Yes, I do.
52
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:06,860
[baby crying]
53
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,061
TOM: Are you sure you're OK?
54
00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:10,231
I think I ate a bad fish taco.
55
00:02:10,331 --> 00:02:12,200
Are there good fish tacos?
56
00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:13,667
Ugh.
57
00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:15,203
Oh, seriously, Tom.
58
00:02:15,303 --> 00:02:16,437
I'm fine.
59
00:02:16,537 --> 00:02:17,571
Really?
60
00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:19,106
Because you seem a bit moody.
- I just puked.
61
00:02:19,207 --> 00:02:20,441
What do you want me
to do, grab a guitar
62
00:02:20,541 --> 00:02:21,809
and sing a John Mayer song?
63
00:02:21,909 --> 00:02:22,710
Ugh.
64
00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:24,011
No, then we'd both be nauseous.
65
00:02:24,111 --> 00:02:26,347
It's weird though,
because I'm hungry.
66
00:02:26,447 --> 00:02:27,948
Do we have any toaster strudel?
67
00:02:28,048 --> 00:02:28,849
Oh.
68
00:02:28,949 --> 00:02:30,050
No, wait.
69
00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:30,951
I'm nauseous again.
70
00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:36,457
[vomiting]
71
00:02:36,557 --> 00:02:37,958
Oh.
72
00:02:38,058 --> 00:02:39,460
Oh, come on, Ben.
73
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:40,861
That's your new mower?
74
00:02:40,961 --> 00:02:42,296
We talked about this last week.
75
00:02:42,396 --> 00:02:44,332
We agreed you'd
get a push mower.
76
00:02:44,432 --> 00:02:45,399
Uh, no, Phil.
77
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,701
I think you agreed
I'd buy a push mower.
78
00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:49,970
I went inside and told Judith
you smelled like a bouillon
79
00:02:50,070 --> 00:02:51,805
cube, then we laughed.
80
00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:53,674
Do you know how much
oil that thing sucks?
81
00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:54,575
Yes.
82
00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:55,676
Oil good men died for.
83
00:02:55,776 --> 00:02:56,777
If I bought a push
mower, it'd be
84
00:02:56,877 --> 00:02:57,978
like spitting in their faces.
85
00:02:58,078 --> 00:03:01,482
Ben, there's such a thing
as the carbon footprint.
86
00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:04,084
Oh, for the love of god.
87
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:04,985
Easy.
88
00:03:05,085 --> 00:03:06,186
Easy.
89
00:03:06,287 --> 00:03:09,857
Phil, this isn't a right
wing/left wing thing.
90
00:03:09,957 --> 00:03:12,526
The battle's over and we lost.
91
00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:13,661
- We?
- We?
92
00:03:13,761 --> 00:03:14,562
Yeah, we.
93
00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:15,463
You and me.
94
00:03:15,563 --> 00:03:16,797
Ban plastic bags.
95
00:03:16,897 --> 00:03:18,766
We all buy these
giant reusable bags
96
00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:20,668
and always forget them when
we go to the grocery store.
97
00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:21,569
Yeah, but--
98
00:03:21,669 --> 00:03:23,237
And then buy new ones, right?
99
00:03:23,337 --> 00:03:24,137
Yeah.
100
00:03:24,238 --> 00:03:25,439
But we also--
101
00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:28,642
Compact fluorescent bulbs
leak mercury into the soil.
102
00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:34,348
And oh, every 5 days, we add 1
million people to this planet.
103
00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:39,119
Think about that, 1 million
people every 5 days.
104
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,021
Pretty soon, we're going to
be stampeding over each other
105
00:03:41,121 --> 00:03:43,957
just to get the scraps.
106
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,726
So why don't you just
relax and enjoy yourself?
107
00:03:50,298 --> 00:03:51,198
I think you broke him.
108
00:03:51,299 --> 00:03:52,099
BEN: Good.
109
00:03:52,199 --> 00:03:53,767
Cross that off my bucket list.
110
00:03:53,867 --> 00:03:56,504
[engine starting]
111
00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:57,805
Monica, glad you're here.
112
00:03:57,905 --> 00:03:59,139
Can you keep a secret?
113
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,974
Clearly, you haven't
been paying attention
114
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:02,510
for the past 18 years.
115
00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:04,044
Let's pretend you're
somebody else's sister.
116
00:04:04,144 --> 00:04:05,513
One with a heart.
117
00:04:05,613 --> 00:04:08,115
I just need five seconds.
118
00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:09,550
[sigh].
Go.
119
00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:10,851
I found a pregnancy
test by the--
120
00:04:10,951 --> 00:04:12,219
Time's up.
121
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,121
There is no way
that was five seconds.
122
00:04:14,221 --> 00:04:17,190
And yet, you've intrigued me.
123
00:04:17,291 --> 00:04:18,258
I think Jessie's pregnant.
124
00:04:21,529 --> 00:04:23,831
Boy, you two are determined
to drive your life straight
125
00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:24,865
into a brick wall, aren't you?
126
00:04:24,965 --> 00:04:25,766
Yes.
127
00:04:25,866 --> 00:04:27,267
Well, see?
128
00:04:27,368 --> 00:04:28,969
Freaking out here.
129
00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:30,571
I'm not ready to be a father.
130
00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:33,807
And I want to know why Jessie
is keeping this from me.
131
00:04:33,907 --> 00:04:36,410
A woman needs
to feel in control
132
00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:38,245
and secure about her choices.
133
00:04:38,346 --> 00:04:40,548
She needs to do things
on her own timetable.
134
00:04:40,648 --> 00:04:41,982
Let her call the shots.
135
00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:43,717
That's good advice.
136
00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:45,919
I read it on a Tampax box.
137
00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:48,589
So who's the dad?
138
00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:50,023
Would you stop
joking around, OK?
139
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:53,594
A baby is a big deal, right?
140
00:04:53,694 --> 00:04:55,963
What if mom finds out?
141
00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:56,864
Hm.
142
00:04:56,964 --> 00:05:00,067
OK, I'm out.
143
00:05:00,167 --> 00:05:02,503
Oh, um, can you do me a solid?
144
00:05:02,603 --> 00:05:04,137
I can't deal with this.
145
00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:06,474
Dispose of the evidence for me?
146
00:05:06,574 --> 00:05:08,041
Sure, Tom.
147
00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:12,145
I'd love to manhandle the pee
stick you found in the garbage.
148
00:05:12,245 --> 00:05:14,648
[phone ringing]
149
00:05:17,217 --> 00:05:19,587
Hey, Jules.
150
00:05:19,687 --> 00:05:21,455
Half price?
I'm there.
151
00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:23,223
Any woman tries to buy them,
stab her in the forehead
152
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:26,527
with a heel, OK?
153
00:05:26,627 --> 00:05:28,095
JESSIE: Can you keep a secret?
154
00:05:28,195 --> 00:05:30,097
I can't even
keep my lunch down.
155
00:05:30,197 --> 00:05:31,198
Yeah.
156
00:05:31,298 --> 00:05:32,500
In retrospect, we really
shouldn't have eaten
157
00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:34,402
fish tacos from a slushy van.
158
00:05:34,502 --> 00:05:36,336
So what's the secret?
159
00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:38,406
Monica is pregnant.
160
00:05:38,506 --> 00:05:39,807
Monica?
161
00:05:39,907 --> 00:05:41,575
Oh my god.
162
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:42,643
Does Judith know?
163
00:05:42,743 --> 00:05:43,911
I don't think so.
164
00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:46,447
She's going to be a
grandmother before me?
165
00:05:46,547 --> 00:05:49,216
And I knew about it before her?
166
00:05:49,316 --> 00:05:51,419
Oh, this is fabulous.
167
00:05:51,519 --> 00:05:53,286
I can't wait to
lord this over her.
168
00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:54,354
What?
169
00:05:54,455 --> 00:05:55,389
No.
170
00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:57,458
No lording, whatever lording is.
171
00:05:57,558 --> 00:05:58,659
You have to promise.
172
00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:01,495
In fact, forget I was even here.
- You are no fun.
173
00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:06,567
What are you reading?
174
00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:10,237
I was thinking of getting one
of these big flat-panel TVs.
175
00:06:10,337 --> 00:06:11,805
Those things are
total energy hogs.
176
00:06:11,905 --> 00:06:12,706
Ah.
177
00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:14,708
What does it matter?
178
00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:15,876
Are you OK?
179
00:06:15,976 --> 00:06:17,811
- I was talking to Ben earlier.
- Oh.
180
00:06:17,911 --> 00:06:19,413
And he really laid
some stuff on the line
181
00:06:19,513 --> 00:06:21,114
about where the
world is heading.
182
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:23,283
I hate to admit it, but
it made a lot of sense.
183
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:24,985
Oh, please.
184
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:27,855
You think a 56-inch would
fit on the south wall?
185
00:06:27,955 --> 00:06:30,023
[scoff].
186
00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:31,191
[baby crying]
187
00:06:31,291 --> 00:06:34,361
And to think, I
finally had this marriage
188
00:06:34,462 --> 00:06:36,096
thing under control.
189
00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:36,997
No, you didn't.
190
00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:38,065
No, I didn't.
191
00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:41,669
And now, Jessie's pregnant.
192
00:06:41,769 --> 00:06:42,836
I am not ready to have a kid.
193
00:06:42,936 --> 00:06:44,505
I'm not even ready
to babysit a kid.
194
00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:46,273
We start now and
we might as well
195
00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:49,409
just pick out matching grave
plots and be done with it.
196
00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:50,744
Wow.
197
00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:52,913
I see why she can't wait to
share this miracle with you.
198
00:06:55,683 --> 00:06:56,984
Right.
199
00:06:57,084 --> 00:07:00,554
Here's Jess with this
life-changing news
200
00:07:00,654 --> 00:07:02,723
and all I can do is
think about myself.
201
00:07:02,823 --> 00:07:04,858
Then again, Jessie hasn't
exactly been forthcoming.
202
00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:07,427
She's protecting me.
203
00:07:07,528 --> 00:07:09,262
No, I can-- I can be supportive.
204
00:07:09,362 --> 00:07:10,964
Be I can get behind this.
205
00:07:11,064 --> 00:07:11,932
Great Great.
206
00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:12,833
Tell her that.
207
00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:14,034
But I'm not supposed to know.
208
00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:15,202
So show her.
209
00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:16,470
This is your chance
to become one
210
00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:19,439
of those unrealistic characters
from an uplifting movie.
211
00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:20,307
How?
212
00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:21,374
I don't know.
213
00:07:21,475 --> 00:07:22,976
I'm only going to
have kids when I'm 60.
214
00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:24,478
Isn't that a bit old?
215
00:07:24,578 --> 00:07:25,513
No, my wife will be 18.
216
00:07:25,613 --> 00:07:26,780
Yeah.
217
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:30,117
If Jess and I have a girl,
you're never coming over.
218
00:07:30,217 --> 00:07:31,418
Understood.
219
00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:40,861
I got to admit,
she handles nice.
220
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,295
What'd I tell you.
221
00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:44,565
That cup holder is
a nice touch, huh?
222
00:07:44,665 --> 00:07:45,633
Mom?
223
00:07:45,733 --> 00:07:48,569
I can't find grandpa's
death certificate.
224
00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:51,004
It's on the same shelf as
the wedding album, sweetie.
225
00:07:51,104 --> 00:07:52,439
Is she making a
memory box or trying
226
00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:53,607
to crack the Da Vinci Code?
227
00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:55,342
She wants an A. She
likes to be thorough.
228
00:07:55,442 --> 00:07:56,376
By all means.
229
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:57,511
While we're at it,
why don't we dig up
230
00:07:57,611 --> 00:07:59,212
my mother's old whiskey glass?
231
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:00,447
Way ahead of you.
232
00:08:00,548 --> 00:08:02,282
Oh, Wendy.
233
00:08:02,382 --> 00:08:03,183
Wendy, wait up.
234
00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:06,086
Let me see that thing.
235
00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:08,989
Phil.
236
00:08:09,089 --> 00:08:11,224
What the hell are you
doing with that monster?
237
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:12,693
Well, she's not that big.
238
00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:14,094
I mean, it looks
like it's about to turn
239
00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:15,428
into Optimus Prime.
240
00:08:15,529 --> 00:08:16,630
There's nothing
wrong with seeing
241
00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:18,566
how the other half lives.
242
00:08:18,666 --> 00:08:21,835
Don't you care about
future generations?
243
00:08:21,935 --> 00:08:24,037
Really, a two-stroke engine?
244
00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:25,539
Why not buy nine cars?
245
00:08:25,639 --> 00:08:26,439
Baby steps, honey.
246
00:08:32,479 --> 00:08:35,549
Looks like you're losing
Phil to the dark side.
247
00:08:35,649 --> 00:08:38,051
Oh, hello, Judith.
248
00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:39,953
I didn't see you standing there.
249
00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:41,689
Perhaps you've shrunk.
250
00:08:41,789 --> 00:08:43,490
Why would I have shrunk?
251
00:08:43,591 --> 00:08:45,525
No reason.
252
00:08:45,626 --> 00:08:46,660
Beautiful day, isn't it?
253
00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:47,861
Mm.
254
00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:51,364
Good just to be alive,
no matter how old you are.
255
00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:52,766
Who said anything about age?
256
00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:54,301
Exactly.
257
00:08:54,401 --> 00:08:56,804
It's all just part of the
cycle of life, isn't it?
258
00:08:56,904 --> 00:08:58,005
I mean, you have kids.
259
00:08:58,105 --> 00:08:59,773
Your kids have kids.
260
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:02,009
And then pretty soon,
everybody is pointing, hey,
261
00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:03,076
look at that lady.
262
00:09:03,176 --> 00:09:05,613
She looks a lot older
than her neighbor.
263
00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:06,513
Why would they point?
264
00:09:06,614 --> 00:09:07,447
And why would they say that?
265
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,116
And who are these people?
266
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:11,619
[glass breaking]
267
00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:17,791
Life is pregnant with
[inaudible] possibilities.
268
00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:19,092
That's all I'm saying.
269
00:09:19,192 --> 00:09:19,993
Yeah.
270
00:09:25,432 --> 00:09:28,068
Can you keep a secret?
271
00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:29,903
Is anyone going
to waterboard me?
272
00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:30,904
Of course not.
273
00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:32,606
Then, yes.
274
00:09:32,706 --> 00:09:34,775
See yesterday,
Tara was throwing up.
275
00:09:34,875 --> 00:09:37,110
She said it was the fish
tacos, but that was weird.
276
00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:38,946
Apparently, you've
never eaten fish tacos.
277
00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:42,382
And then just now, she was
talking to Judith about circle
278
00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:45,318
of life this and abundant that.
279
00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:47,921
I think you're just
jumping to conclusions.
280
00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:49,389
Oh, thank god.
281
00:09:49,489 --> 00:09:51,358
And obviously,
she's just pregnant.
282
00:09:51,458 --> 00:09:52,425
What?
283
00:09:52,525 --> 00:09:54,194
That's the conclusion
I was jumping to.
284
00:09:54,294 --> 00:09:55,328
What did you think I meant?
285
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,497
That she was having an
affair with the man who
286
00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:59,767
sells fish tacos?
287
00:09:59,867 --> 00:10:01,334
I'm not ready for this.
288
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:02,235
But is she?
289
00:10:02,335 --> 00:10:06,339
The fish taco man is very hot.
290
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:07,240
I should talk to her.
291
00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:08,642
No, wait.
292
00:10:08,742 --> 00:10:12,579
If she hasn't told you yet, she
must want it to be a surprise.
293
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:17,317
Women must do this sort of
thing in their own timetable.
294
00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:19,519
Actually, that's
pretty good advice.
295
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:21,221
I read it on the Tampax box.
296
00:10:21,321 --> 00:10:25,125
It also mentions women have
both light and heavy flow.
297
00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:26,026
Yeah.
298
00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:28,428
Thank you.
299
00:10:28,528 --> 00:10:29,396
Hey, babe.
300
00:10:29,496 --> 00:10:30,363
Where are you?
301
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:31,398
TOM: Over here.
302
00:10:31,498 --> 00:10:32,299
Hm.
303
00:10:38,238 --> 00:10:41,041
Look, I know you know about--
304
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:43,176
what's with the tennis
balls on the coffee table?
305
00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:45,713
Oh, you can never
be too careful.
306
00:10:45,813 --> 00:10:48,415
And, uh-- and it actually
wasn't even that hard.
307
00:10:48,515 --> 00:10:49,817
Ooh, and check this out.
308
00:10:49,917 --> 00:10:52,753
Caps on the sockets in
case some little hand
309
00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:54,287
wants to stick a
finger in there.
310
00:10:54,387 --> 00:10:56,156
Isn't that a little premature?
311
00:10:56,256 --> 00:11:00,527
Well, I just want you to know
that I'm ready for anything.
312
00:11:00,627 --> 00:11:03,263
If you know, there should
ever be the pitter-patter
313
00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:05,933
of little feet around here.
314
00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:07,300
Oh.
315
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:08,468
Oh, I get it.
316
00:11:08,568 --> 00:11:09,469
Oh.
317
00:11:09,569 --> 00:11:11,338
You must really love Monica.
318
00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:12,239
As a name?
319
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:13,573
Wouldn't that get confusing?
320
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:15,675
Wouldn't what get confusing?
321
00:11:15,776 --> 00:11:18,078
It's not complicated, Jess.
322
00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:21,815
I want you to know that
I'm ready when you are.
323
00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:27,888
Would you excuse
me for a second?
324
00:11:34,327 --> 00:11:36,429
[dialing]
325
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:38,131
Ava, my life is over.
326
00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:39,666
I think Tom wants
to put a baby in me!
327
00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:45,438
I don't believe
Tom wants a baby.
328
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,107
I mean, his last
big goal was to get
329
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:48,575
through season four of "Lost."
330
00:11:48,675 --> 00:11:49,642
Yeah.
331
00:11:49,743 --> 00:11:51,879
And he gave up on episode six.
- You see?
332
00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:53,580
And that's just a TV show.
333
00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:57,384
Raising a kid must take
at least twice as long.
334
00:11:57,484 --> 00:11:58,919
Do you think
Monica's pregnancy
335
00:11:59,019 --> 00:12:00,921
set off Tom's biological clock?
336
00:12:01,021 --> 00:12:02,355
He's an 18-year-old guy.
337
00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:04,792
He doesn't even
have an alarm clock.
338
00:12:04,892 --> 00:12:07,727
Don't get me wrong,
I want kids someday.
339
00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:10,330
Maybe in the distant future.
340
00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:12,132
Like one with hoverboards.
341
00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:13,666
But now?
342
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:15,068
So tell him that.
343
00:12:15,168 --> 00:12:16,069
I can't.
344
00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:17,370
He hasn't said anything.
345
00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:19,172
And if I nix it prematurely,
he'll deny the whole thing
346
00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:20,507
and I'll look stupid.
347
00:12:20,607 --> 00:12:21,775
Yeah, you don't
want to look stupid.
348
00:12:21,875 --> 00:12:23,610
Better to have a baby.
349
00:12:23,710 --> 00:12:25,779
If I had a hoverboard, I would
so hit you with it right now.
350
00:12:25,879 --> 00:12:26,780
OK.
351
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,415
So if you can't
confront Tom directly,
352
00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:30,217
then you're just
going to have to show
353
00:12:30,317 --> 00:12:31,284
him that he's not ready.
354
00:12:36,189 --> 00:12:39,426
One second you're talking
about flat-screen TVs, the next
355
00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:40,760
we're moving to the country.
356
00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:43,130
I mean, what is going on, Phil?
357
00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:44,832
I've done the research.
358
00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:47,367
Depleting resources, reality TV.
359
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:50,237
The world is descending into
chaos, like that Pearl Jam
360
00:12:50,337 --> 00:12:51,939
concert with festival seating.
361
00:12:52,039 --> 00:12:52,873
Oh my god.
362
00:12:52,973 --> 00:12:54,141
This isn't even double-sided.
363
00:12:54,241 --> 00:12:56,476
And how is the country better?
364
00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:59,479
For one thing, it's out in
the middle of freaking nowhere.
365
00:12:59,579 --> 00:13:03,851
Tall trees, fresh produce,
and chickens clucking gaily
366
00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:05,085
in the background.
367
00:13:05,185 --> 00:13:07,487
What about your fear
of flightless birds?
368
00:13:07,587 --> 00:13:09,890
This isn't just about
me anymore, is it?
369
00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:11,358
Right.
370
00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:13,393
This is about Ben.
371
00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:15,128
Hey, don't get mad at Ben.
372
00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:16,596
We should be thanking him.
373
00:13:16,696 --> 00:13:17,697
Yes.
374
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:20,233
I think I'll go and
thank him right now.
375
00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:28,408
Aww, Tara.
376
00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:30,077
You must be into
the mojitos again.
377
00:13:30,177 --> 00:13:31,778
You live one door down.
378
00:13:31,879 --> 00:13:33,513
Away you go.
379
00:13:33,613 --> 00:13:34,814
You have to talk to Phil.
380
00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:36,383
He's lost his mind.
381
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:38,451
(BOTH) What mind?
382
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:40,453
You're not going to win me
over by stepping on my zingers,
383
00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:41,989
you know?
- You've grown predictable.
384
00:13:42,089 --> 00:13:43,790
Look, all you have to
do is just take back
385
00:13:43,891 --> 00:13:45,258
the thing you said
about the world
386
00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:47,160
going to hell I mean
the poor guy has
387
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:48,896
really gone off the deep end.
388
00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:50,330
(BOTH) How can you tell?
389
00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:51,498
Stop that.
390
00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:53,566
Look, just because the
guy wants a power mower
391
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:54,601
doesn't mean he's gone crazy.
392
00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:56,503
You're environmentalists,
not Amish.
393
00:13:56,603 --> 00:13:57,737
You don't understand.
394
00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:00,140
I mean, he really
has lost all hope.
395
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:04,577
If he had just one small,
little thing to cling to, to--
396
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:06,013
wait a minute.
I got it.
397
00:14:06,113 --> 00:14:06,914
I got it
398
00:14:07,014 --> 00:14:08,248
I'm listening.
399
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:09,516
Not really.
400
00:14:09,616 --> 00:14:12,019
All you have to do is
restore his faith in mankind.
401
00:14:12,119 --> 00:14:14,687
Put up a solar panel, donate
some money to Greenpeace,
402
00:14:14,787 --> 00:14:17,590
turn off your lights for
once when you leave the room.
403
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,059
God, I'd rather talk to him.
404
00:14:19,159 --> 00:14:19,960
Oh, thank you.
405
00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:22,629
No, wait.
406
00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:23,530
Fine Fine, I'll do it.
407
00:14:23,630 --> 00:14:24,898
OK?
- OK.
408
00:14:24,998 --> 00:14:26,967
If you'll excuse me, I was
just about to enjoy a scotch.
409
00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:28,035
Helps clear my mind.
410
00:14:28,135 --> 00:14:29,836
(BOTH) Shouldn't take long.
411
00:14:29,937 --> 00:14:30,803
Annoying, isn't it?
412
00:14:30,904 --> 00:14:31,704
Not really.
413
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:38,678
$1,500 for a baby buggy?
414
00:14:38,778 --> 00:14:40,914
For that price, it
should come with a baby
415
00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:44,284
Tom, I have a surprise.
416
00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:46,453
This is it.
417
00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:50,323
This is Professor
Bootsie von Cuddle Pants.
418
00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:52,425
Ava's cousin needed a
sitter for a few days,
419
00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:53,326
so I thought we'd help out.
420
00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:55,228
See if we'd like one of our own.
421
00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:56,363
A dog?
422
00:14:56,463 --> 00:14:59,199
That's a lot to manage
with everything else.
423
00:14:59,299 --> 00:15:00,667
Oh, I'm not worried.
424
00:15:00,767 --> 00:15:04,404
Like you said, we can
handle anything, right?
425
00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:05,438
You know what?
426
00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:06,339
Right.
427
00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:11,311
Ooh, looks like this
is going to be a little
428
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:13,080
more work than we thought.
429
00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:15,848
He's got a bit of
a drippy doodle.
430
00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:17,250
No problem.
431
00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:19,719
We'll get him paper
trained in no time.
432
00:15:19,819 --> 00:15:20,687
Right.
433
00:15:20,787 --> 00:15:23,323
Yeah, that's what
I was thinking.
434
00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:25,425
Oh, come here.
435
00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:26,826
Oh, that's a bit damp.
436
00:15:29,796 --> 00:15:31,264
[dog barking]
437
00:15:31,364 --> 00:15:33,500
- Did I hear a dog?
- He's just visiting.
438
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,103
I'm not sure how long Tom will
be able to put up with him for.
439
00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:37,104
He's a terror.
440
00:15:37,204 --> 00:15:38,405
Listen, Jess.
441
00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:39,906
If you're going out, would
you drop this on Ben's desk?
442
00:15:40,007 --> 00:15:41,541
It's fresh out of the oven.
- Mm.
443
00:15:41,641 --> 00:15:42,442
Sure thing.
444
00:15:45,412 --> 00:15:46,546
Oh, Phil.
445
00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:49,616
Tara wanted me to have
a conversation with you,
446
00:15:49,716 --> 00:15:50,517
but you're busy.
447
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:51,551
It can wait.
448
00:15:51,651 --> 00:15:53,386
You better do it now.
449
00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:54,721
Won't be here much longer.
450
00:15:54,821 --> 00:15:55,622
What?
451
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:59,559
PHIL: We're moving.
452
00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:01,394
Not this very minute.
453
00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:03,530
I'm going to fix up the
place, have it assessed,
454
00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:05,632
so I might need to hold on to
your lawn mower for a while.
455
00:16:05,732 --> 00:16:07,200
Oh.
Hell, you're moving.
456
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:08,101
Keep-- keep the mower.
457
00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:09,102
Keep it.
458
00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:10,437
I thought about what you said.
459
00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:11,571
You're right.
460
00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:13,006
Better get out while the
getting is good, huh?
461
00:16:13,106 --> 00:16:14,074
Yep.
462
00:16:14,174 --> 00:16:17,077
Move to the country,
have a fresh start.
463
00:16:17,177 --> 00:16:18,411
I envy you, my friend.
464
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:20,080
You're doing the right thing.
465
00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:21,914
What did you want
to talk to me about?
466
00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:22,815
Oh, nothing.
467
00:16:22,915 --> 00:16:24,184
No.
468
00:16:24,284 --> 00:16:26,353
I, I was going to buy a new
car and I wanted your opinion.
469
00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:29,289
I'm just going to
get the Hummer.
470
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:31,924
Hey, if you put a nozzle on
that, you can save a lot of--
471
00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:32,825
What?
472
00:16:35,262 --> 00:16:36,063
Screw it.
473
00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:37,564
Exactly right?
474
00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:45,205
Ooh, banana bread.
475
00:16:49,976 --> 00:16:50,977
Honey.
Honey.
476
00:16:51,078 --> 00:16:52,045
Oh, listen.
477
00:16:52,145 --> 00:16:53,513
I need a couple of
things at the market.
478
00:16:53,613 --> 00:16:55,182
Yes, but I have news.
Phil--
479
00:16:55,282 --> 00:16:56,149
Hold that thought.
480
00:16:56,249 --> 00:16:57,817
Store closes in 10 minutes.
481
00:16:57,917 --> 00:16:58,718
I'll be right back.
482
00:16:58,818 --> 00:17:00,253
Oh, check your desk.
483
00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:01,354
Left you a little surprise.
484
00:17:01,454 --> 00:17:03,323
Mm.
485
00:17:03,423 --> 00:17:22,609
But-- Judith.
486
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:25,078
Oh, my.
487
00:17:25,178 --> 00:17:29,015
Oh, my, my, my.
488
00:17:29,116 --> 00:17:30,016
Hi, there.
489
00:17:30,117 --> 00:17:30,983
Beautiful dog.
490
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:38,558
- What are you doing?
- Hey, Phil.
491
00:17:38,658 --> 00:17:39,659
How you doing?
492
00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:42,329
Uh, I was just clearing
out the spare room.
493
00:17:42,429 --> 00:17:44,131
A little surprise for Judith.
494
00:17:44,231 --> 00:17:47,367
Looks like we're going
to have some company.
495
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:48,435
Um, bottle caps.
496
00:17:48,535 --> 00:17:49,369
What do you do with the--
497
00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:51,804
Blue bin.
498
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:55,175
Who are you and what
have you done with Ben?
499
00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:57,310
Maybe you're right about
the whole recycling thing.
500
00:17:57,410 --> 00:18:00,413
Oh, by the way, do you
still have that push mower?
501
00:18:00,513 --> 00:18:03,416
Judith's having a--
well, she's napping
502
00:18:03,516 --> 00:18:06,219
and I don't want to wake her up.
503
00:18:06,319 --> 00:18:07,120
Wow.
504
00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:08,721
You just blew my mind.
505
00:18:08,821 --> 00:18:09,622
What's that?
506
00:18:09,722 --> 00:18:11,191
Judith's not sleeping.
507
00:18:11,291 --> 00:18:13,326
I saw her take
off for the store.
508
00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:15,862
You know, if you of
all people can change,
509
00:18:15,962 --> 00:18:18,665
then I guess
anything's possible.
510
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:20,333
Just give me the damn
push mower and forget this
511
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:21,234
ever happened, OK?
512
00:18:21,334 --> 00:18:23,836
I'm on my way.
513
00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:26,706
You know, this is enough
to make me rethink
514
00:18:26,806 --> 00:18:28,208
that move to the country.
515
00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:30,143
Who said what now?
516
00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:33,079
[dog barking]
517
00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:36,483
My favorite socks.
518
00:18:36,583 --> 00:18:37,550
Sorry about that.
519
00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:38,551
I took a shower.
520
00:18:38,651 --> 00:18:41,988
And obviously, Bootsie
loves socksies.
521
00:18:42,088 --> 00:18:43,756
Well, obviously,
we're not ready to take
522
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:45,858
care of another living thing.
523
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:47,126
What do you mean?
524
00:18:47,227 --> 00:18:48,795
Did you make some kind of
decision about something?
525
00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:49,796
Decision about what?
526
00:18:49,896 --> 00:18:50,897
What the hell are
you talking about?
527
00:18:50,997 --> 00:18:52,232
What the hell are
you talking about?
528
00:18:52,332 --> 00:18:54,201
What the hell is barking at?
529
00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:59,005
BEN: No.
530
00:18:59,105 --> 00:19:00,773
You just told me that you were
going to fix the place up.
531
00:19:00,873 --> 00:19:01,908
You wanted my real estate agent.
532
00:19:02,008 --> 00:19:02,975
You were going to sell.
PHIL: Yeah.
533
00:19:03,075 --> 00:19:04,944
But you said the
recycling and the garbage
534
00:19:05,044 --> 00:19:07,146
all goes to the same place and
it's all going to hell anyway.
535
00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:08,047
So what?
536
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:09,148
You said you were moving.
537
00:19:09,249 --> 00:19:10,149
So I changed my mind.
538
00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:11,050
BEN: That's unacceptable.
539
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:12,985
You're moving?
540
00:19:13,085 --> 00:19:16,589
Honey, I said that the
country would drive me insane.
541
00:19:16,689 --> 00:19:18,891
And that's why we're going
to raise the baby here.
542
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:19,992
Right, honey?
543
00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:22,962
Why would we
raise Monica's baby?
544
00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:25,365
- Excuse me.
- No, our baby.
545
00:19:25,465 --> 00:19:26,933
Your baby.
546
00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:27,900
No, baby.
547
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,336
Monica is pregnant.
548
00:19:29,436 --> 00:19:30,237
What?
549
00:19:30,337 --> 00:19:31,137
TOM: Monica?
550
00:19:31,238 --> 00:19:32,805
No, that's--
551
00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:34,274
That's impossible.
552
00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:35,442
She's not even married.
553
00:19:35,542 --> 00:19:36,743
Well, I hate to
get technical, Daddy.
554
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:37,844
But--
555
00:19:37,944 --> 00:19:39,946
Everybody, I am very
pleased to announce
556
00:19:40,046 --> 00:19:41,348
that Judith is with child.
557
00:19:41,448 --> 00:19:43,149
What?
558
00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:45,985
So then, I'm going to be a
father and a grandfather?
559
00:19:46,085 --> 00:19:47,254
No, father and--
560
00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:49,889
A father with who?
561
00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:50,790
Mom.
562
00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:54,361
Dad Jesse and I are--
563
00:19:54,461 --> 00:19:55,762
Oh my god, you
think I'm knocked up?
564
00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:56,963
You're not?
565
00:19:57,063 --> 00:19:58,565
Oh, please tell me you're not.
- Are you kidding?
566
00:19:58,665 --> 00:19:59,599
Our condoms wear condoms.
567
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,801
Oh, thank god.
568
00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:04,337
Judith, you are--
569
00:20:04,437 --> 00:20:06,205
I'm sorry, sweetie.
570
00:20:06,306 --> 00:20:07,640
I baked my last bun.
571
00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:09,809
Where is all this coming from?
572
00:20:09,909 --> 00:20:11,778
Honey, from the
surprise pregnancy
573
00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:13,546
test you left on my desk.
- Yeah.
574
00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:14,814
And I found one by the garbage.
575
00:20:14,914 --> 00:20:18,818
And I misinterpreted a
conversation that I shouldn't
576
00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:20,753
have been listening to.
577
00:20:20,853 --> 00:20:22,922
Well, clearly, somebody
here is pregnant.
578
00:20:23,022 --> 00:20:26,826
[clearing throat].
579
00:20:26,926 --> 00:20:28,361
I don't like
where this is going.
580
00:20:28,461 --> 00:20:29,696
I'm not pregnant.
581
00:20:29,796 --> 00:20:32,965
I found that thing in mom's
closet, and I threw it out.
582
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:35,635
Oh my god.
583
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:36,603
It's mine.
584
00:20:36,703 --> 00:20:37,804
Yes.
585
00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:42,008
From 12 years ago, when
I was pregnant with Wendy.
586
00:20:42,108 --> 00:20:43,843
I kept it as a memento.
587
00:20:43,943 --> 00:20:44,777
Oh.
588
00:20:44,877 --> 00:20:46,879
Did you save Tom's
foreskin, too?
589
00:20:46,979 --> 00:20:47,780
Actually--
590
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:48,948
Ew.
591
00:20:49,048 --> 00:20:50,517
So then, nobody is pregnant?
592
00:20:50,617 --> 00:20:52,218
- No.
- No.
593
00:20:52,319 --> 00:20:53,119
Last time I recycle.
594
00:20:58,391 --> 00:20:59,726
[baby crying]
595
00:20:59,826 --> 00:21:02,061
Well, that was interesting.
596
00:21:02,161 --> 00:21:03,596
The part where I--
597
00:21:03,696 --> 00:21:05,097
or where you--
598
00:21:05,197 --> 00:21:07,033
I meant the baby thing.
599
00:21:07,133 --> 00:21:08,801
I really thought you wanted one.
600
00:21:08,901 --> 00:21:10,803
Can you imagine us with kids?
601
00:21:10,903 --> 00:21:13,440
Yeah, I can, actually.
602
00:21:13,540 --> 00:21:14,407
No, I can't.
603
00:21:14,507 --> 00:21:16,909
But I can imagine hover boards.
604
00:21:17,009 --> 00:21:20,780
And when hover
boards are available,
605
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:22,515
I could imagine kids.
606
00:21:22,615 --> 00:21:23,616
Kid.
607
00:21:23,716 --> 00:21:24,684
One.
608
00:21:24,784 --> 00:21:25,585
Maybe.
609
00:21:31,558 --> 00:21:32,925
Oh my god.
610
00:21:33,025 --> 00:21:34,394
We forgot about the professor.
611
00:21:34,494 --> 00:21:36,128
Where is he?
612
00:21:36,228 --> 00:21:37,029
What you got?
613
00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:39,966
[dog growling]
614
00:21:40,633 --> 00:21:41,434
Uh-oh.
615
00:21:48,575 --> 00:21:49,376
A plus.
616
00:21:49,476 --> 00:21:50,577
Too easy.
617
00:21:50,677 --> 00:21:51,678
[music playing]
618
00:21:51,778 --> 00:21:53,880
Mom don't like it, but
daddy don't mind it.
619
00:21:53,980 --> 00:21:58,985
[inaudible] Mom don't like
it, but daddy don't mind it.
620
00:21:59,085 --> 00:22:01,388
Your mom don't like it,
but daddy don't mind it.
621
00:22:01,488 --> 00:22:03,490
She's torn your place apart.
622
00:22:03,590 --> 00:22:04,991
She can't find it.
623
00:22:05,091 --> 00:22:06,493
Made you sell your car.
624
00:22:06,593 --> 00:22:07,694
You still have it.
625
00:22:07,794 --> 00:22:08,595
Mom can't find it.
626
00:22:08,695 --> 00:22:09,796
Your daddy says [muted].
627
00:22:09,896 --> 00:22:11,297
Your mom can't find it.
628
00:22:11,398 --> 00:22:14,033
Your daddy says [muted].
629
00:22:14,083 --> 00:22:18,633
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