All language subtitles for 18 to Life s02e08 The Flushing Point.eng

Add six ounces brandy.

[yawning]

[screaming]

Jess?

JESSIE: Oh!

[screaming]

You OK?

JESSIE: The toilet seat.

Look what you've done
to your [inaudible]..

Why do you have
to be such a guy?

TOM: Well, I just got
attacked by your panties.

And why do you have
to be such a girl?

I have a right to
dry my underwear.

TOM: Yeah, and I have a
right to void my bladder.

Why is the seat such
an issue with you?

[gasping]

Fire, fire!

Um, here.

The window.

[sighing]

[whooshing flames]

And that's what happens
when you leave the seat up.

[THEME - HAWKSLEY WORKMAN AND
DOLLY, "YES I DO"]

THEME SONG: Can we find a
way that can be together?

Is there any way that
we can be together?

And, oh, by the way,
baby, do you love me?

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

TOM: Why is the onus
always on the guy.

I mean, who says the seat
always has to be down?

JESSIE: I use it more
often with the seat down

than you do with the seat up.

More often?

What do you do with the seat up?

I bob for apples.

You're missing the point.

The seat flipped up is
a statistical anomaly.

And drying 50 pairs of
underwear at the same time is--

A privilege you never thought
you'd have in your life.

Why can't men lower the seat?

I don't want to be this couple.
- No.

We're better than this.
- We are.

We have to be.

Well, then, I'll flip it down.

I can develop night vision.

Well, I'll flip it down.

It's fine.

We're awesome.

JUDITH: I just got a call
from Connie Everhart.

Remind me?

Connie and I were
working together

on the foreign currencies
department when you and I met.

Oh.

JUDITH: She said
there's a position

opening in her department.

BEN: Well, I think
Wendy's prepared to become

a latchkey kid.

She's already at
work on my resume.

It's only a junior position,
but it might be the perfect way

to re-enter the workforce.

Whatever makes
you happy, Judith.

A little job might
be fine for you,

now that the pressure's off.

Huh?

You know, if I'd been
working this whole time,

then the pressure
would really be off.

Because I'd be earning
five times your salary.

Ouch.

So what are we watching next?

CARTER: "Granny panties?"

No way.
"Scarface."

AVA: I love Al Pacino.

But every time he says, "Say
hello to my little friend,"

I lose interest.

He's talking about his gun.

Not the one you think.

Come on.

Guy movie, girl movie.

That's so outdated.
- Yeah.

I mean, aren't we past all this?

What makes you so
superior all of a sudden?

Tom has agreed
to lower the seat.

And yet I find him as virile
and masculine as ever.

Kiss-ass.

No, Carter.

That's what makes
our marriage great.

We're beyond sexist stereotypes.

In fact, I will go out
on a limb and say Jessie

and I are post-gender.

JESSIE: As in we are no
longer bound by the cliches

of male/female behaviors.

Yeah.

You guys owe me for the pizza.

Uh, Tom, where's your wallet?

Uh, Jess?

JESSIE: Uh, top shelf,
left, beside the cactus.

AVA: You know what?

I vote "Scarface."

Fire it up.

Tom?

AVA: And the man
drives the remote.

CARTER: No stereotypes there.

So how did my wallet
end up on the bookcase?

You were cooking.

You took off your pants.

The wallet fell out.
You picked it up.

You wanted to look
at a cookbook.

You can remember
all that, but you

can't remember the instructions
for using the remote?

I don't like manuals.
There's no protagonist.

Well, There must be some
other way that we are atypical.

Hey.

I do all the cooking.

Gordon Ramsay,
Jamie Oliver, France.

You're good at math.

That's a very male thing.

And it's a very male
thing for you to think that.

It's very female of you
to get emotional about it

I was repeating what you said.

You said it a certain way.

You heard it in
an emotional way.

Are you saying
I'm a bad listener?

Now who's getting emotional?

Wouldn't that
make me post-gender.

I don't know.

Oh, man.

Am I sexist for
wanting the seat up?

Am I sexist for wanting
my girlfriend to spank me?

[inaudible]

CARTER: Look, you be
as liberal as you want.

But the toilet seat?

That's a no-fly zone.

No, it's a no-splash
zone according to Jessie.

Not our problem.

You have to assert
yourself and be the man.

I am a man.
CARTER: No, no.

The.

Man.

OK?

Not, uh, [mumbling]

But I told Jesse I was
fine with the seat down.

Dude, you have to stand tall.

Literally.

JESSIE: It's not the seat.

It's what it represents.

All he has to do
is give the seat

one little flick of his finger.

It's not gender
equality if you

don't flip it back up, sweetie.

Do you think I can get
an 18-pound bird in here?

What'd the 18-pound
bird do to you?

I figure I could fry
a turkey in a coffee

urn instead of a deep fryer.

That way, your mom won't notice.

Mm.

Turkey-flavored party coffee.

Good point.

I'll get the fryer
and I'll disguise it.

JESSIE: Dad, why are you
lowering all the toilet seats?

Funny girl.

Garbage can.

Nobody would make
coffee in that!

JESSIE: Tom?

The weirdest thing
happened with my dad today.

We were out the--

the seat is up.

Yeah.

I changed my mind.

Which is my prerogative,
since we don't subscribe

to those sexist stereotypes.

Yes.

But we agreed that--

Yeah.

But you said you were
happy to go the other way.

Right.

We are not a couple.

So not that couple.

What's this about your dad?

What's for dinner?

So we were at
the hardware store,

and I watched Dad walk
through the plumbing section

and lower every toilet
seat in the aisle.

Well, your father is
a very fastidious man.

Thoughtful.

Yeah.
Compulsive.

JESSIE: Yeah.

I'd like to know what you
said to make him compulsive.

Because right now, Tom's
refusing to lower the seat.

Ah, you're losing the
toilet seat battle, huh?

When I got pregnant, your
father wanted to stop smoking.

Well, cigarettes, anyway.

So he saw a hypnotist.

Turns out he was
highly suggestible.

You had him hypnotized?

No.

I just had her throw
in a couple of extras.

I didn't really expect
that it would work.

- Does dad even know?
- No.

All he knows is that he's happy.

And we never argue
about the toilet seat.

In my country, women
pee standing up.

Also, we don't
have toilet seats.

There has to be another way.

BEN: Specialized in
long-term investments

with a concentration in
human resources planning.

Or should I
refer to the family

as "ecosystem management?"

Yeah.

That'd be more green.

Wily, Judith.

You're wily.

Of course, it's only
really work experience

when you're getting a paycheck.

But well-done.

Judith, can I talk to you
but a housekeeping issue?

Love you, honey.

Even if I leave the seat up?

Especially when you do.

In fact, I feel morally
obligated to love you even

more, since you could easily
develop prostatic hypertrophy

from standing up to pee.

And while it won't kill you,
it could lead to impotence

and complete urinary blockage.

And I want you to remember
that I loved you before that.

And not just out of pity.

- You're joking.
- I wish I was.

Hyper what?

Prostatic hypertrophy.

[giggles]

BEN: Prostatic hypertrophy?

Of course I've heard of it.

Although it's good
to hear that Jessie's

now on top of male
incontinence conditions.

TOM: I did some research, and
no one has found a direct link.

Yet, Jessie says you
have to sit to avoid it.

Of course there's a link.

And sitting is a
small price to pay

to avoid incontinence,
urinary blockage, impotence.

You're a sitter?

With the prostate
of a 15-year-old boy,

according to my urologist.

Well, it wouldn't be the
prostate of a 15-year-old girl,

now, would it?

Did your urologist tell
you about the condition?

No.

Your mother did originally.

How long after
you were married?

23 years, Judith.

JESSIE: There is no link
between whether you stand

to deliver in that condition.

There's no proof that
there's no link, either.

What--

You never got it.

I still get the
debate it all, you guys.

Like I told Jessie, we each bear
responsibility for ourselves.

TOM: Exactly.

I have to flip it
up just as much

as she has to flip it down.

Actually, the up position
is a statistical anomaly,

if you think about it.

What?

Why did I just do that?

I don't know.

Did I do it before?

BEN: Three times.

Impulsively.

Get a hold of yourself, man.

Tara.

Huh, huh, huh.

What did she do to Him

You see what we're
dealing with here, son?

Women are the German
army, and we're Poland.

And we can't afford to
wait for the Americans.

I think you've been watching
too much History Channel.

I am going to be
marching back into my home

and telling your
mother what's what.

TOM: Yeah.

Me too.

Well, Jessie.

Not mom.

She's allowed to brainwash me.

You hypnotized me?

It's brought us years of
peace and harmony, honey.

You stole my free will.

You're exaggerating.

I'm taking it back, Tara.

And you can't stop me.

Watermelon.

What did you say?

Grapefruit.

Cantaloupe.

Damn it.

I know the code was
some kind of fruit.

TOM: You don't get to
choose when I'm the man

and when I'm not.

So I get to choose
if you're a man?

Because right now,
that's up for debate.

Low blow, Jess.

Post -gender you
wouldn't notice.

TOM: Well, despite the
hair, I am not a candle.

If you were, I'd donate
you to a toy drive.

PHIL: 35,600, give or take.

That's how many times they
made me flip this thing down.

I'm taking it back to her.

I'm taking it all back.

BEN: No, no, no, no.

I always knew
where my keys were.

I just love the way you look
when you bring them to me.

[laughs]

Nice.

Does this mean you won't
be killing centipedes

in the bathtub anymore?

BEN: Thomas.

Oh.

It's on.

What this calls
for, gentlemen,

is deep-fried turkey, to
be eaten in our underwear.

[toilet flushing]

Standing tall.

Welcome back, brother.

[chuckles]

It won't last.

This is a spat, right?

Spats have a time
limit of an hour.

Oh, no, no, no.

This has been a
long time coming.

23 years for me.

Tom and I had
this figured out.

I don't know what happened.

I remember when
Tom was a toddler.

I bought him a doll.

He took one look at it, and
then he ran it along the floor

yelling "vroom, vroom!"

He loved that little pink truck.

TARA: But we don't have to
give in to these oppressive

stereotypes, do we?

I mean, I remember, Jessie went
through this horrible tutus

and tiaras stage.

"The Feminine Mystique for
Five- to 10-year-olds?"

Took care of that one.

Wow.

Pedantism and brainwashing.

TARA: Hey.

That's a beautiful
bedtime story.

JESSIE: All this proves
is that we can't help it.

I was born to hate
centipedes Tom was

born to smash men to a pulp.

Lose this battle,
you lose the war.

Here, here.

No thanks.

I've got popcorn bloat.

Oh.

Welcome back.

BEN: Marriage.

It's like a lawn mower.

You think everything's fine.

And suddenly, it blows up.

PHIL: All those times,
flipping that toilet seat down.

And I didn't even know it.

See how long they
can make it without us.

TOM: Dad, you are aware
of what year it is, right?

And that they have air
conditioning over there?

Son, we are
different for a reason.

And they are going to find out
that they miss that difference.

PHIL: Do I even like
deep-fried turkey?

JESSIE: OK, let's get
this "Sex and the City"

marathon rolling, shall we?

No way the guys are
having this much fun.

TOM: Smells funny.

PHIL: Well, that's how I
was supposed to work, dude.

It's gonna be awesome.

Yeah, well, you
might not even like it.

I mean, it's probably
programmed right out of you.

BEN: But you know,
Tara really did have

your best interest at heart.

Well, it's true.

And, yeah, Judith bamboozled me.

But I really do have the
prostate of a 15-year-old,

you know.

And what about you
going back to work

and rubbing your face
in her higher salary?

Well, truth is, a little
extra scratch wouldn't hurt.

TOM: No.

We can't let them win.

We'll never hear the end of it.

[groaning]

I miss my bed.

Hey.

Look.

Oh.

What's that blue glow?

They're trying to watch a DVD.

[laughs]

[high-pitched whistling]

Incoming!

Pizza?

[splashing]

[shouting]

[toilet flushing]

My thighs gave out.

That water is cold.

Perhaps we should retrieve
the toilet seat, huh?

It's gone.

Good lord.

Who would take a
used toilet seat?

JUDITH: You better not
be late for my interview.

JESSIE: You've still
got time to not watch

another "Sex and the City."

I wonder if they miss
their toilet seat.

Hey, Sleeping Beauty.

JESSIE: We may actually
get to Channel 3.

Or modern women.

Why can't we figure this out?

Maybe each sex excelling
at certain things

is what makes it work.

Nonsense.

We're just as capable as men.

Says the
hypnotizer/brainwasher.

The quickest way to end this--

We can't look like quitters.

No.

We create a list of demands.

Include more than you
want, so they feel they can

take something away from you.

Even if you don't
really need it.

And they can feel they're
being magnanimous.

Ooh, You God.

Could use some
help cleaning up.

Cleaning up what?

All this garbage.

The bottles.

The turkey shrapnel.

If this keeps up, I'm
bunking with the women.

Dad.

Seriously I could
never not see this.

You know, it's everywhere.

It needs picking up.

Yeah, it's great that
you're here to do it, too.

Jessie and I were right.

No, we're not that couple,
because we're not old.

Hey.

And I don't care
about the toilet seat,

because Jessie and I,
you know, we're equal.

That's how you brought us up.

That must have
been your mother.

I'm heading over there.

Surrendering?

I prefer to call it giving up.

But you can't let
it end like this.

We've got to hold
on to our dignity.

JESSIE: I can help
you with that.

Our demands.

PHIL: So what have we got?

"You accept the use of
the word 'thingamajig'

to refer to all tools."

"Manscape?"

What the heck is a man--

oh.

Was it terrible last night?

There were some dark hours
when we realized you guys

weren't giving up on the DVD.

Oh, I figured it out.

I just couldn't take another
"Sex and the City" marathon.

I love you.

So how was it.

Did you run out of chocolate?

It was actually more
of a popcorn and wine

spritzer kind of night.
- Uh-huh.

Sounds better than beer
and burping the anthem

between turkey chunks.

Ew.

I couldn't believe how
stubborn they were.

Well, it's probably
that time of the month.

And how else would we
get into this mess?

BEN: This is outrageous.

Joke.

So a joke.

Jokes are funny, Tom.

I'm an idiot.

It's an 8.

The offer has expired.

TARA: Don't you see that it's
a male-dominated industry that

contributes no real
value to the economy?

Sign me up.

Just hand them over.
- No.

We're having the
"who's on top" argument

with the guys, not each other.

And the fight must go on.

Thank you.

TARA: Let's face it.

You put two people together,
regardless of gender,

they're gonna wrestle
over something.

The truth is, it's more
fun wrestling with the men.

JESSIE: So?

Now what?

WENDY: I'm back.

What we need is a closer.

Something they can't say no to.

What happened to
the living room?

Hey, sweetie.

How was the sleepover?

It was OK.

Everybody talked about boys.

It's hard to believe
they're that compelling.

I know.

Then there's all the
stuff you do with boys.

It's pretty confusing.

You don't even like poker.

You hardly need a poker night.

So we'll make it Risk night.

No.

50% of Tara's carrot harvest?

I want to give the
deep fryer another shot.

Dad, what's orgasmic?

[coughing]

Ask your mother that one.

She says to ask you.

No.

She is much better
able to answer that.

She says she has no idea.

[laughs]

Tara neither.

And that's my cue.

Ben?

- Want some more coffee?
- Ben?

Your daughter had a question.

What?

What question?
Is there more coffee?

Wendy?
- Oh my God.

I take it the "O"
bomb has landed.

Nicely played.

Thank you.

So I guess recycling's
gender-neutral.

Can we go back to being
the couple that we were.

The couple who wants to
do things for each other?

Yes.

And all that nice
gender mingling.

[MUSIC - JIM BRYSON, "ACCIDENTAL
COUNTRY LEARNING"]

(SINGING) Please,
will you help me

and not take my friends away?

We've got nothing to do.

So, it was kind of
a low blow, sending

Wendy over like a Trojan horse.

And what about your low blow?

That I haven't had a real job?

Oh, come on, honey.

There's not enough
money in the world

to pay for what you've done.

The kids are proof of that.

Monica?

Start [inaudible].

How do I look?

Fantastic.

Go get them, tiger.

What were we thinking?

The way I see it, this whole
hypnotic suggestion thing

means that nothing's
really my fault. Ever.

That's right.

Free will is overrated, honey.

You know what I've been craving?

Kiwi.

Pineapple.

I think you need
a foot massage.

I do.

Connie says they went
with someone more junior.

[groans]

Is that an insult?

Or a compliment?

You'll get the
next one, sweetheart.

I promise.

But in the meantime,
let us eat cake.

Was this in the treaty.

Oh, absolutely.

Under the section
entitled "Foreplay."

MOTHER (ON TV): You OK, sweetie?

CHILD (ON TV): I miss him a lot.

MOTHER (ON TV): Daddy's
not really gone, honey.

Not if he's still in your heart.

TOM: Hello!

CHILD (ON TV): Do you think
he's watching over us?

Dream on.

It's popcorn bloat.

TOM: Now I really am crying.

[MUSIC - DAVID CELIA, "AFRAID TO
CHANGE"]

(SINGING) And now the
seasons change around me.

I'm staring at a tree, or
is it looking back at me?

Trying to fit borders
that surround me.

I'm one piece in the puzzle
of a box I try to guzzle.

I don't know what to do.

Still keep thinking how
I'm lucky to have you.

You know some people share
a different point of view.

Things are more attractive
when they're shiny and new.

Don't be afraid to change

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