All language subtitles for 18 to Life s02e02 Shame.eng

What does it
mean to be married?

Whoa.

Well, it's all
about negotiation.

It's a give and take.

It's two halves that--

- --make a whole.
- Yeah.

It's a lot like a-- it's
a partnership-- a lot

like my old law firm,
Kramer and Spence.

Benny, don't make
legal analogies.

No no no no.

Hear me out.

Hear me out.

Kramer used to specialize in
all the intellectual property

cases.

And Spence used to do all
the labor and tax law.

But Spence used to have a
stuffed owl in his office.

He used to call it Night Ranger.

It's true.

Do we have to keep talking?

This is never going to work.

Oh, nonsense, champ.

It's going to be great.

Just don't give too much
airtime to Tara and Phil.

My parents are in this too?

What's this for?

Wendy's doing a video
essay on why some marriages

last and others are doomed.

Oh.

Speaking of which,
I was hoping you

and Jessie would be in it too.

Us?

Oh, I don't know.

I need both sides.

Are you saying we're doomed?

Statistically speaking,
half of all marriages fail.

I'm just saying.

Is this what you think too?

I'd go with ill-fated.

Hey, who wants
the last pepperoni?

Going once, going twice.

[THEME - HAWKSLEY WORKMAN AND
DOLLY, "YES I DO"]

THEME SONG: Can't we find a
way that we could be together?

Is there any way that
we could be together?

And, oh, by the way,
baby, do you love me?

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Who do I have to boink to
get some service around here?

Who's left?

Le zing.

You're such a child.

Speaking of children,
Wendy's doing a documentary.

And she wants to use us as an
example of a doomed marriage.

Crazy, right?

OK, way too long a
pause on that one.

We've been over this, Jess.

Teen marriages usually last
as long as Carter in bed.

That's what she said.

Wait now.

So that's what you think?

We're not going to last?

Who does Ava have to boink
to get a waiter around here?

Our relationship isn't
about a piece of paper.

It's about the
melding of two souls.

- Like jazz.
- Exactly.

It's about being fluid.

Flexible.

Being tuned in to
your partner's artistry.

Reading each other's moods
so you can alter the melody.

Mm, and make beautiful
music together.

WENDY: I don't get it.

It's like Miles Davis
said, "I'll play it first

and tell you what it is later."

Yeah.

[imitating jazz cymbal]

That was tight.

Yeah.

BEN: Those fly-by-night
hobos are making us look bad.

You're overreacting.

No no no no no no.

I'm merely protecting
Wendy's straight-A streak,

as any good father would.

We cannot let the Hills
ruin this video, honey.

We have to show them
what it's like to be

a real married couple.

OK?

Phil's not the only one
that can quote Miles Davis.

OK, I'll give him that one.

JESSIE: Half of
all marriages fail.

Doesn't that kind
of freak you out?

It's a flawed stat, Jess.

Now you factor in Larry
King, and we're clear.

But we just started.

We have years ahead of us.

The odds aren't
exactly in our favor.

That's what they said about
a certain 300 Spartan warriors.

I thought they all died.

Oh, right.

Look, we got more fight in us.

That's the point.

Ha.

Oh.

I think we should
do the video.

Ooh, I'll get the loin cloth.

JESSIE: Wendy's video.

What harm can it do?

It might even be fun.

Not shopping fun or
pull-Carter's-finger fun,

but somewhere in between.

Jess, we're not going
to become a statistic.

But avoiding a chance to
prove we've got what it takes

seems like a bad omen.

You know?

If Wendy thinks we're doomed,
let's prove her wrong.

You really want
to do the video?

Embarrassingly, yes.

OK, stats be damned.

Of course, if the stats are
right, one of our marriages

will end.

My parents are pretty solid.

Mine too.

Doesn't The Refugee
have, like, five wives?

There it is.

What does it
mean to be married?

Well, that's easy.

A good marriage is a lot
like adult contemporary music.

JUDITH: You're
gonna use that clip?

Don't hover while I'm editing.

Sorry, sweet
pea, but you didn't

give us enough prep time there.

It's supposed
to be spontaneous.

What have I told
you about spontaneity?

It's for sluts.

See, we just wanted to craft
some more insightful remarks.

You do realize, the only
people who'll see this

are a bunch of sixth graders.

And their delicious
sixth-grade teacher.

Dedicated, I meant dedicated.

We don't want to
interfere, honey.

It's good.

I mean, what you've
got is a solid B,

B-plus, maybe even an A-minus.

But with our help,
you could probably

turn it into an A-plus.

I'm just saying.

A-plus or death.

That's my girl.

Being married means getting to
be your true self at all times.

Because, no matter
what, the other

person is going accept
every part of you--

the good, the bad--

--and the awesome,
at least in my case.

You hear that?

No.

Exactly.

No more drip, check it out.

Eat it, Mike Holmes.

WENDY: When Tom proposed,
why did you say yes?

Because I love him.

WENDY: But you can love
him without being married.

So why?

Because he asked me.

Isn't that how it works?

I mean, who says no to
a marriage proposal?

It's not like people get
proposed to everyday.

When it happens, you
kind of have to say yes.

WENDY: Tom, would
you agree with that?

Absolutely.

I'm on it.

So that's why you said yes?

Because you had to?
- No.

I got flustered
because of the camera.

I said yes because I love you.

Marriage is not supposed to
be some Pavlovian response.

You're supposed to just know.

I did know.

I was talking about proposals
in general, not us, per se.

You ever see a girl say
no on the Jumbotron.

There's a couple of things
I need to show you on YouTube.

Please, not your hand.

Once, you wanted this hand--

in marriage.
Get it?

Yeah, got it.

You know what?

I think I know how I can
make you feel all better.

Are you good?

Uh-huh.

That's what I thought.

[mumbling]

Let's just say I felt
inspired by the man that I love.

The man I'll stay married
to, stats be damned.

A successful relationship
is all about compromise.

- Mm-hmm.
- And I do all of it.

Although, there are perks.

My lady love makes the world's
greatest Kamut pancakes.

And gives the
world's best back rubs.

Although, my old
squeeze, Simone,

she has you beat on that count.

But you are top two--

top three.

What just happened?

WENDY: Want to see
the instant reply?

Tara?

Crash and burn.

Judith, this is our
chance to surge ahead.

And I've got a great idea.

We have to show
our origin story.

You're not super heroes.

Honey, we are
marital superheroes.

And our powers are
commitment and stability.

Shouldn't Wendy
have some input?

Of course.

Honey, at the end of the
day, this is Wendy's baby.

Really.

BEN: And we're rolling.

OK, Thomas, why did
you propose to Jessie?

- Because I love her.
- That's trite.

What else?

Where's Wendy?

We'll loop her voice in later.

Come on.

Is this is new camera?

Wendy's doing some
B-roll with the old camera.

Come on, focus in here, Tom.

Why did you marry Jessie?

I-- look at her.

And, no, she's not just a catch.

She's the catch.

Yeah, but you could
have just shacked up

like those heathens next door.

Why did you-- why did
you want to get married?

Yeah, well, you know, I
need to mark my territory--

show those other
guys how I feel.

Now, this girl belongs to me.

Right?

That's why you
asked me to marry you?

To mark your territory?

Not exactly.

Well, then why, exactly?

Because right now, I feel like
a fire hydrant in a dog park.

You-- you were right
about the camera.

It makes things come out wrong.

Come on, the same
thing happened to you.

The little red light comes on,
and you get all hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, you're
really thinking about things.

I mean, you're
thinking differently.

I wasn't thinking at all.

Well, that's it, isn't it?

Neither of us was thinking
that day-- that stupid dare.

So do you want
to take it back?

Do you?

So-- now is this
how it starts?

The 50% who fail?

WENDY: Yes.

What did I tell you?

Doomed.

I guess some girls know
when a proposal is in the air.

And some guys
actually plan it.

But it was just an ordinary
day of hanging out for us.

BOTH: Except--

Something, you know,
about the sky that day.

You know, it was a day
full of, uh, of possib--

possibility.

WENDY: Is that a cheat sheet?

BEN: Whoa, cut cut cut cut.

Really, Tom, cue cards?

Well, last time
he got flustered.

Brando used cue cards.

THE REFUGEE: Bad example.

He was divorced three times--

"True E!

Hollywood Story."

Call me old--

fashioned.

But if God didn't want
imposed free markets,

he wouldn't have
invented nuclear weapons?

What?

This is not how it happened.

Of course it is.

Wendy, are you getting
the look in my eye?

How entranced I am?
- Speed it up.

I need more time
with a doomed couple.

OK, keep going.

Um, what are you doing?

I remember watching the
pulse of a delicate vein

on your wrist--

life blood of the woman that
I was falling in love with.

And then the golden light
around your hair, and--

OK, you know what?

You're just-- you're
making a mockery.

Judith.

I'm done.

Wh-- what about
Wendy's assignment?

Wendy, where are you going?

Is that a wrap?

It's not even a
burrito, my friend.

For Wendy's next interview,
we present a united front.

We hold hands, check in
with each other frequently,

small gestures-- like that
thing you do with your finger

along my wrist.

This leak is
driving me mental.

Oh, and let's make sure we
finish each other sentences.

That's always so cute.

OK, so, for Tom and Jessie,
the perfect evening is--

I'm heading to
the hardware store.

Babe, that doesn't connect.

I don't care
about Wendy's video.

If I don't fix this leak,
then we have a real problem.

People think we're
doomed to fail.

They're actually
using those words--

except for your mother, who
keeps saying "ill-fated."

Listen, the only thing
doomed to fail in this room

is that leak--

and, also, your bonsai tree.

Sorry, somebody had to say it.

It's simple.

I walked out of the
interview because Phil

talked about the
one thing we talked

about never talking about.

Top three, my ass.

TOM: Honey, I'm home.

And this leak is going down.

Well, not down, it's
going to get stuffed.

Oh, Tom, that's sweet.

But Dad's on it.

It's getting there.

Jessie, I said I
was taking care of it.

I know, but I had a thought.

If Dad could help us out, we
could go straight to the video.

I'm sorry I wanted people
to know you were mine.

But at this point, I
would be happy to put

you on the street with a For
Rent sign around your neck.

Hey.

Not in the pimp way.

I can do my own "hey."

Sorry, honey.

Hey!

I said not in the pimp way.

What's your problem?

I'm trying to show the world
how great of a husband you are.

Whereas I'm actually
trying to be a great husband.

Do you see the irony here?

I was just trying to help you.

I'm pretty sure that's
what married people do.

I'm not sure
either one of us has

a clue what married people do.

Me neither.

Should I go now?

Turn that thing off.

I told you.

I'm not doing this anymore.

WENDY: No, you told Dad you
weren't doing this anymore.

I don't want to be in front
of the camera right now, Wendy.

OK?

WENDY: Why not?

Because not everything in
life must be made public.

And sometimes, you
know, you make choices--

things that you're
not always proud of.

WENDY: Huh?

But if you cloak them in
a lie, then the lie festers.

And then other people build
entire fantasies on the lie.

And it gets worse and worse
until you just want to--

Do you need a snack?

WENDY: Until you
want to what, Mom?

How about some
carrots and hummus, huh?

And you cannot use this.

TOM: Lay it on me.

Are you sitting down?

I am right across from you.

OK, get this.

You did nothing wrong.
- Pardon me?

You are 100% blameless.

Are you sure?

Yeah, this one's all on her.

Whoa.

I always knew
this day would come,

but I find myself
strangely unprepared.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Jess.

Feel like canning some
fiddleheads with us?

Dad, I hate to
break it to you,

but the answer to that
question will never be yes.

You and Tom still fighting?

Yeah.

But I've given it
some careful thought,

and I realized he overreacted.

Nope.

You emasculated him.

Oh, come on, is that
what Dad told you?

Don't be ridiculous, Jess.

Your father and I
aren't even speaking.

You guys are still fighting?

Then how are you
working together?

Stuff still has to get done.

We're always going
to have arguments.

But you can't let
your whole lives

come to a halt because of them.

PHIL: You don't talk
commitment-- you live it.

Jess, can you tell your father
that he's an excellent canner?

But, please, say it
in a grudging tone.

You were right.

Yes, I was.

And I was wrong.

Yes, you were.

And I'm sorry.

For what part?

For emasculating you.

Oh, no, that was awesome.

I couldn't speak.

Oh, your dad.

Yeah, well I'll add
that to the list.

Well, it's not like
you're entirely blameless.

You owe me an apology too.

Really?

For what, exactly?

Grr.

Sue me if you dare, Judith.

But I would habeas your corpus
all night long if I could.

Permission to treat
the witness as hostile?

Permission granted.

And cut.

Nicely done.

- You're still at it?
- Yeah.

Come on, honey.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

I refer, of course, to the
acclaimed HBO miniseries.

Hmm.

What scene is this?

Well, come on.

I'm clearly re-enacting
our seventh date.

I hired a model to play me.
Isn't he a dead ringer?

Look at him.

And I'm playing you, Mom.

So, Monica knows.

What?

Knows what?

That this is the moment that
I told you I was pregnant.

WENDY: Hold on.

What?

Mom was spontaneous?

Hey, don't talk about
your mother like that.

What are you talking about?

It was our seventh
date where you

told me that cutting taxes is
the same as increasing revenue.

No wonder I fell
in love with you.

Rarr.

You did a lot more than that.

What?

Think-- hard.

What are you doing?

So this is how
you want to play it?

OK.

Monica, Wendy, male model,
I know that we fudged some

of our timing over the years.

But all this is,
just, it's too much.

The truth is that we got
married because we had to.

I'm so sorry you had to
find out this way, honey.

I do have a calendar.

I don't know why
you had to make

such a farce out of all this.

Uh--

You want to hang out?

Uh, I got church tomorrow.

Me or Jesus?

You have five seconds.

[upbeat music playing]

Ah, that feels good--

almost as good as this guy
Lars I dated in college.

You just couldn't
let it go, could you?

Look, I honestly,
honestly don't

remember it happening that way.

You don't remember
that we slept together

on our third date, I told you
I was pregnant on our seventh,

and for our eighth
date we got married?

Excuse me if I don't believe it.

Look, what I
remember quite clearly

was that I knew I wanted to
marry you after our first date.

It's true.

I remember that I had a
spot on my coffee spoon.

And you picked it up,
and cleaned it off,

and put it back beside my
cup without saying a word.

I did?

Or maybe it was
my dessert fork

But the point was, I
didn't want to marry

you because you were pregnant.

I wanted to marry because I knew
I couldn't live without you.

So you were knocked up, and
I proposed right away, huh?

More or less.

Damn.

That was noble of me.

[MUSIC - REID JAMIESON, "MY
GREEN THUMB"]

REID JAMIESON (SINGING): My
green thumb, I hate to think

of what I would become
without your hands to guide

me through the mud and rain.

It's a sorry, sorry sight.

I'll plant a kiss
upon the forehead

of the girl whose mysteries
unfold like blossoms

on a day in spring.

It's a beauty--

We didn't even
have to say anything.

We both just knew.

It had to get done.

Turns out my father was right.

You don't talk commitment.

You live it.

JUDITH: Some might call
it early-onset dementia.

I prefer to think of
it as selective memory.

I guess, in the
end, it's not why

you get hitched that matters.

TOM: It's how you stay hitched.

Because it's not how you
appear to other people

that's the key to
a good marriage.

It's how you
appear to each other.

Did we just--

--finish each other's
sentences for real?

And cut.

That's a wrap, people.

Should this have
been plugged in?

So, um, I'm still going to
get a credit on this, eh, champ?

Yes, Dad.

I'll take executive
producer, I guess.

You'll get associate producer.

That's my girl.

OK, Bruckheimer,
the dishes await.

Yeah.

Buh-bye.

Well done.

Hey.

[sigh]

Crazy week, huh?

One of the many, I hope.

And I guess we don't
need these anymore.

REID JAMIESON (SINGING): I'll
clean our home, do anything

[water dripping]

to keep you turning, tilling
soil till we turn to dust.

BEN: Well, don't
keep us in suspense.

C-minus?

My first grade ever
without an A in the front.

Thanks guys.

This is a travesty.

Did Mr. Pecks
make any comments?

It's Mr. Peck.

There's no S.

Whatever.

Did he say anything about me?

And the rest of the
project, as a whole?

BEN: "Overall, this doc suffers
from lack of a consistent tone,

suggesting tyro
helmer Bellow allowed

too much parental meddling.

No boffo grade for this dud, and
ancillary prospects are iffy."

I don't understand any of this.

Mr. Peck has a
subscription to "Variety."

Oh.

[MUSIC - ELLIOTT BROOD, "THE
VALLEY TOWN"]

TOM: And action.

Uh, that's that.

Leak solved,
relationship fixed.

Life goes on.

So then why are we still
talking to the camera?

Good question.

Documentary's over.

Of course, there
are other things

we could do with this thing.

I'll get the loin cloth.

ELLIOTT BROOD (SINGING):
When the wind bares the trees

and them clouds are pushing
east, come on inside.

Dry your clothes.

Warm your bones.

Get a glass and sit
yourself at ease.

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