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1
00:00:16,034 --> 00:00:21,359
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
the performance will begin
in two minutes. Thank you.
2
00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:41,116
Please take your seats.
Thank you, ladies and gentleman.
The performance will start.
3
00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:43,197
Thank you.
4
00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:53,796
Ladies and gentlemen,
5
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:56,833
Mr Ron Anderson!
6
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:31,631
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
7
00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:36,915
It's important to understand
the kind of damage that physical
violence can do to the head.
8
00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:41,313
And Mr Perkins here has kindly
volunteered to help me demonstrate.
9
00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:45,280
This, for example...
will do no real damage.
10
00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:50,220
Whereas this... could result in
some minor superficial bruises.
11
00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:51,941
And of course... this
12
00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:55,480
will certainly break a bone or two.
13
00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:56,941
Whereas...
14
00:01:57,400 --> 00:01:58,861
an iron bar...
15
00:02:01,520 --> 00:02:05,091
will result in certain death... as in this case.
16
00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:21,581
- What in the name of arse is going on?
- Sorry, touch of hay fever.
- Touch of brain damage, I'd say.
17
00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:24,861
You're performing like five kinds of shit eatery.
18
00:02:25,681 --> 00:02:27,021
Get out of my eyes.
19
00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:01,954
Don't worry, Dex.
Everyone has off-nights.
20
00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:05,501
Once I dropped black crate's [statesweight.]
21
00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:08,150
Kill two actors.
Could happen to anybody.
22
00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:10,461
You lie.
Thanks, Charlie.
There.
23
00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:20,637
- How many?
- About 30.
24
00:03:21,820 --> 00:03:23,381
What a story!
25
00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:26,080
Wilma!
26
00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:31,881
Sorry, Fred.
27
00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:50,261
- Good evening, Mr. Morrow.
- Good evening, Dexter.
28
00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:53,878
What a life!
Blind and allergic to his guide dog.
29
00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:18,076
- Evening.
- How do you do?
30
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:37,476
Yeah... Hello, Dexter. This is Piers.I wanted to ask you a big favour.
31
00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:39,432
Could you...
32
00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:44,261
Hello, Dex? This is Piers again.
Phone just to check.
I think there might be something wrong with your...
33
00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:51,941
Dex, Piers again. Your machine
is definitely faulty. Please ring me back.
I need it desperately. My number is 735-3...
34
00:05:55,740 --> 00:05:57,201
Say, there is water, innit?
35
00:05:57,620 --> 00:05:59,501
Ah, try the tap.
36
00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:06,237
Thanks.
37
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:16,161
Well, speaking of rubber face,
there's no need to introduce to you
our guest this evening.
38
00:06:16,321 --> 00:06:17,921
Why, it is the rubber face himself.
39
00:06:18,161 --> 00:06:21,381
Please welcome the wacky wonder
of the West End. Mr Ron Anderson!
40
00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:24,961
...upsy nutsy in every chunky chewy bite!
41
00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:33,301
- Oh, my God.
- Fine new lotsy nuts.
They'll drive you nutty!
42
00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:40,014
Ah!
43
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:45,901
- Darling!
- Hi.
44
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:48,238
How is my favorite man?
45
00:06:48,481 --> 00:06:52,961
Oh, well, I'm not great. Television
been taken under by Ron Anderson.
46
00:06:53,241 --> 00:06:56,061
Answering machine finally wins
its war of attrition against me.
47
00:06:56,281 --> 00:06:57,701
Socially I'm for nought.
48
00:06:58,025 --> 00:07:01,421
Fridge is so full of leaping things.
Looks like "The Muppet Show".
49
00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:05,221
- You poor sweet thing.
- Also, there seems to be a...
50
00:07:05,421 --> 00:07:10,401
naked plumber, er...
testing our toilet facilities?
- No, no, that's George.
51
00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:14,501
I think he's so sweet.
Rr...r.
52
00:07:14,821 --> 00:07:20,421
- Let's get some provisions.
- You... Oh, I'd be careful.
Tell you, there's piece of cheese
in there with actually grown ears.
53
00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:28,221
- George, this is Dexter.
- Hi.
- Hi.
54
00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:31,021
Oh... Sorry.
55
00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:34,461
A hay fever season, innit?
56
00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:38,701
- Dexter is allergic to everything to do in this summer.
- Except "Beach Boys".
57
00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:48,981
I thought you'd have a rash from orange juice.
58
00:07:52,940 --> 00:08:02,141
- Shouldn't you start with injections?
- Oh, I should, but... I can't stand...
what with the choice between rabies and
having injections, I think I'll give rabies a try.
59
00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:07,701
It's all in the mind, anyway.
What you need, sweet one,
is a lovely girlfriend.
60
00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:10,821
You used to know lots of gorgeous girls.
61
00:08:11,041 --> 00:08:14,181
- Why don't we have one of them around?
- Because I never liked any of them.
62
00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:23,877
Happy?
63
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:32,741
Punt me... Pump me, Mr... Petrol!
64
00:08:39,540 --> 00:08:41,975
It's called "Birth of the Earth Mother".
65
00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:47,189
I... I am not drunk!
66
00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:49,691
It was the night people Christmas.
67
00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:56,821
And all through the house,
not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.
68
00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:05,261
- You come battle the hay fever?
- That's right. I want really...
69
00:10:05,721 --> 00:10:07,981
crack it this year.
- Excellent.
70
00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:12,281
Do you mind, that
Dr. Karabekian sits in with us?
71
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:17,400
- No, not at all.
- Excellent.
72
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:26,821
Now that seems that Mr King is allergic
to pretty well everything: dust, dust mites,
minced grasses, cats, dogs, feathers.
73
00:10:26,980 --> 00:10:30,710
- What do you suggest?
- Streak of nasal therapy?
74
00:10:30,940 --> 00:10:33,480
I think we'll stick to the straight and narrow.
75
00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:40,881
- If you give this to the nurse...
we'll start the injections tomorrow.
- Ah, yes, hmm, doctor...
76
00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:43,181
I was wondering if there was any alternative...
77
00:10:43,701 --> 00:10:48,881
to the shots? I mean... really...
I just hate those things.
78
00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:52,981
- May I ask why?
- Well... because they hurt.
79
00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:56,141
- They hurt?
- Yeah. They do.
80
00:10:57,220 --> 00:11:00,101
Oh, very well.
I'll give you tablets instead.
81
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:02,541
Perhaps... some time...
82
00:11:03,041 --> 00:11:09,341
- Mr King will like to come in and
discuss the psychological reasons
why he hates the shots.
- No, really... just because they hurt.
83
00:11:09,581 --> 00:11:13,101
Er... The violence of this...
stir something in me.
Drives me crazy.
84
00:11:13,341 --> 00:11:15,341
I think we should talk about this phobia in the matter.
85
00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:20,181
- It's not a... phobia!
It's just that I hate them things.
- That's the definition of a phobia.
86
00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:25,221
- Do you have a girlfriend, Mr. King?
- No, as a matter of fact, I do not.
87
00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:32,461
Excuse me. What is weird in it?
There's nothing suspicious about it.
I just happen to hate injections.
It's the same as some people...
88
00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:37,101
hate airplanes or spiders or having
electrodes attached to the scrotum.
89
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,437
- Tragic.
- Ah.
90
00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:45,619
I think the sooner you come back... the better.
91
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:49,741
Thanks...
But no thanks.
92
00:11:55,780 --> 00:12:04,101
You were a train.
Tch, tch, tch...
93
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:06,741
Do you want...
[...on this for a minute?]
94
00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:12,340
Oh no, my nurse, the patient
is taking pills instead of injections.
Who's next?
95
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:15,781
- I think I saw Mrs Cartwright waiting.
- Oh God, yes. Poor thing.
96
00:12:17,620 --> 00:12:18,620
Very well?
97
00:12:18,781 --> 00:12:20,000
[All good, may I finish it?]
98
00:12:20,401 --> 00:12:22,221
Your Royal Highness.
99
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:25,141
You nail your pills in the dispensary.
100
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:29,460
Wuuhuu!
101
00:12:38,361 --> 00:12:40,701
Ah, Mrs Cartwright.
Do take seat.
102
00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:44,831
Tell me, hasn't new hair on
your head started grow back yet?
103
00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:49,701
On second thought: doctor, hey, I mean,
a few little pricks did not harm anybody.
104
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:52,777
- Carmen?
- Dexter!
105
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:03,021
- Something incredible has happened.
- What's that?
106
00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:06,861
- I've fallen in love.
- Who with?!
107
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:10,381
- She is a nurse.
- Oh, that's a good start.
- But...
108
00:13:11,381 --> 00:13:13,021
What am I to do?
I mean...
109
00:13:13,421 --> 00:13:16,181
The last time I really went for anybody
I was wearing "Flying Transit".
110
00:13:16,300 --> 00:13:18,061
You have behaviour of a real bastard.
111
00:13:19,101 --> 00:13:20,501
Men fall into two categories.
112
00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:23,441
[Waiting and keen] or bastards.
Bastards always get the girls.
113
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:27,633
- How do... bastards behave... these days?
- Really badly.
114
00:13:27,901 --> 00:13:31,801
Take her out to dinner.
Bonk her to within an inch of her life,
then never ring her again.
115
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:36,541
- Is this a thing that works for sure?
- Well, yes! If you want true love.
116
00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:40,261
- Look, can we go on?
- Oh.
117
00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:51,921
- How do I look, Mr M?
- Excellent. Never seen you look better.
118
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,241
Never seen him at all.
119
00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:13,301
What do you mean, bastard?
120
00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:18,421
- Hay fever, isn't it?
- That's right.
- Good.
121
00:14:19,401 --> 00:14:20,781
You roll up your sleeve, please.
122
00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:28,381
It's going to hurt... now.
123
00:14:31,700 --> 00:14:33,501
There... Come back next week.
124
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:36,020
- Bye.
- Bye.
125
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:44,635
- Did you ask her?
- Not as such.
126
00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:48,061
I certainy felt overrun by uniform.
127
00:14:48,341 --> 00:14:51,881
At the circumstances asking her
if it will be okay if I bonked
her to within an inch of her life,
128
00:14:52,043 --> 00:14:54,301
seemed... an uglish thing to do.
129
00:14:54,740 --> 00:14:58,301
Yes. Pretty bad about that.
Uniforms always made me keener.
130
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:01,301
- Don't they, Inspector?
- Certainly do, ma'am.
131
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:03,501
Still next week, hey?
132
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:06,101
Yes, yes. No, I reckon, next week for sure.
133
00:15:06,300 --> 00:15:08,969
Listen, I've sized up the strength of the enemy forces.
134
00:15:09,340 --> 00:15:12,101
Next week I go for the first strike...
All-out victory.
135
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:13,620
Sleeve.
136
00:15:22,420 --> 00:15:25,301
- Bye.
- Bye.
137
00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:32,141
I mean... Jesus's candlesticks!
Four serum injections and
all I manage is two "Hello"
and one "Sorry, I'm late."
138
00:15:32,500 --> 00:15:34,901
Oh, come on, it's not so difficult.
139
00:15:35,180 --> 00:15:38,741
Practice it with me
I am the nurse. Come on.
140
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:40,741
OK. Eh...
141
00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:43,141
- Do you want to go out to dinner?
- Yes, please.
142
00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:46,261
- I think she might probably
put up more resistance.
- No, OK, OK.
143
00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:51,101
- What are you doing?
- I'm playing hard to get kind of chick.
144
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:53,600
OK.
145
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:58,301
- Do you want to go out to dinner?
- Hmm...
146
00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:02,341
Yes, please, Mr Sexy.
OK, let's do it now!
147
00:16:02,940 --> 00:16:04,481
- Ah, much harder to do.
- You see!
148
00:16:04,681 --> 00:16:08,061
And... If still you have trouble
to what I do, you know, I can...
149
00:16:08,178 --> 00:16:15,961
tell you are a big West End star, chatter up...
The lights, the celebs,
the smell of the greasy paint...
- Hey, hey, that's a thought!
150
00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:22,221
If you do not get this woman
you are a mouse, not a man.
151
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:28,221
- Say, are you a fan of Ron Anderson?
- Who?
152
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:36,821
- Squeak...
- Scalpel.
153
00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:38,960
Clamp.
154
00:16:39,841 --> 00:16:44,781
- My... God!
- What is this, Sir?
- What, it's extraordinary! Look.
155
00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:47,301
Here, that's... rib cage,
156
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:50,261
kidney... spleen...
157
00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:53,261
Absolutely no spine.
158
00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:59,861
- So the patient is... spineless?
- That's right...
Utterly and totally spineless!
159
00:17:00,100 --> 00:17:03,021
I know. I know. I know.
160
00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:07,520
Carmen!
161
00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:10,421
Carmen, what am I to do?
162
00:17:10,721 --> 00:17:14,041
Ah! I am going to the hospital
for seven weeks now.
I don't even know her name.
163
00:17:14,261 --> 00:17:15,461
Get after more shots.
164
00:17:15,761 --> 00:17:18,541
- No!
- Yes! Say, you're going on holiday.
165
00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:23,581
- Some of the African places need hundreds
of injections. That's right, isn't it, Bernard?
- Oh, yes, yes.
166
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:25,981
He's shy.
167
00:17:26,121 --> 00:17:28,541
- A few more jabs will be enough.
- No!
168
00:17:28,921 --> 00:17:34,351
- This is ridiculous. Say... she is a nurse,
it's not like I make the pass at Mother Teresa.
- I quite fancy Teresa.
169
00:17:34,521 --> 00:17:38,941
- Bernard!
- I mean: all I am to do is to say:
"You want to come out to dinner?", right?
- Absolutely.
170
00:17:39,181 --> 00:17:42,261
- And shag her till her ears drop off.
- Well, it is as long as lines.
171
00:17:42,721 --> 00:17:45,261
- Not a match to expection, Superman.
- Exactly!
172
00:17:45,521 --> 00:17:47,961
No time for hesitations...
Through.. Hey...
173
00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:53,761
- Screw Africa too.
I walk in there and say:
"Baby, I dig you the most."
- Right! Screw Africa!
174
00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:57,581
- Morocco?
- That's right.
175
00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,501
Why do you want to go there?
176
00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:01,440
Why?
177
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:04,981
Oh, there are lots of reasons, er...
178
00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:08,861
God, all I think, Joe Orton used
to go there to pick up little boys.
179
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:14,100
Of course, that's not why I'm going there.
I hate little boys.
180
00:18:14,380 --> 00:18:18,101
[Oh, I don't hate them.
I have no strong feelings,
strong about them. And with, er...]
181
00:18:18,301 --> 00:18:20,461
The climate... is excellent.
182
00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:22,141
Very good linen goods.
183
00:18:22,501 --> 00:18:24,821
Never... Festival, I think,
around this time of year.
184
00:18:25,241 --> 00:18:27,301
- Colorful costumes, that's what can be.
- When are you off?
185
00:18:27,521 --> 00:18:29,301
Oh... not quite now.
186
00:18:29,681 --> 00:18:33,501
Ah, as long as it takes for us
to get this... series of jabs this time.
187
00:18:33,700 --> 00:18:35,941
Oh, that's not release series.
I'll give you all five today.
188
00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:40,701
- Five? Today? Eh... not come back?
- Uhm.
189
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:48,781
It would be six, but polio is just the sugar lump now.
And then there is gamma globulin,
tetanus, cholera, typhus and TB.
And the memoir is recommending yellow fever as well.
190
00:18:48,981 --> 00:18:50,321
Oh, it would be six then.
191
00:18:50,781 --> 00:18:55,361
- Now, which arm don't you need?
- I'm losing an arm?
- No, which arm do you use least?
192
00:18:55,580 --> 00:19:01,701
Ah, I use them both rather, you know.
You know, even if I'm walking. See.
What, what, what, no, no, no. No! Ah...
193
00:19:02,540 --> 00:19:04,901
The thing is, the thing is, ah...
194
00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:09,221
All these weeks I've been coming here...
I've been... wanting to ask you something.
195
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:12,881
Why... What I really want to know, is...
196
00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:17,401
- What's your name?
- Kate... Lemmon.
197
00:19:17,781 --> 00:19:20,121
- Horrid name!
- No, not at all!
198
00:19:21,021 --> 00:19:24,961
It could have been worse.
Could have been called Hitler,
Tampon, or something.
199
00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:32,501
- Kate, we need you. Cardiac!
- Oh, I'm sorry. I'll be back.
- Yes, yes.
200
00:19:34,620 --> 00:19:39,621
Tampon? No, no!
God take my testicles and
fry them up with bacon!
201
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:43,941
Mr King! Hello!
202
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:49,221
Nurse Lemmon will be
detained for a while, I'm afraid.
So I'm going to stand in for her.
203
00:19:49,361 --> 00:19:53,181
- If that's alright with you?
- Are you sure you are qualified?
- Oh yes! Oh yes! I'm...
204
00:19:53,460 --> 00:19:55,261
I'm really getting the hang of all this now.
205
00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:57,321
Here we are.
206
00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:02,720
Ah!
207
00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:07,221
Oops. Sorry. Never mind.
208
00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:10,654
Right.
209
00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:13,781
- We call this a wide bore needle.
- Wide...
210
00:20:14,140 --> 00:20:17,341
...bore?
- Oh yes! Big needle.
It goes right through the muscles.
- No...
211
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:19,821
- First no more than a little prick.
- No!
212
00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:22,301
And then it builds up, you see,
213
00:20:22,540 --> 00:20:25,721
into the massive golf ball
of serum under the flesh.
214
00:20:27,341 --> 00:20:28,801
- Very effective.
- Yeah!
215
00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:30,680
Ouch!
216
00:20:31,101 --> 00:20:37,181
- Be very careful with it, because one slip,
an air bubble and voilà, instant death.
- Voilà?
217
00:20:37,540 --> 00:20:39,021
- Ouch!
- Don't worry.
218
00:20:39,421 --> 00:20:42,181
- Almost the worst anyway.
- Almost the worst?
219
00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:45,101
Nurses call this one Big Ben apparently.
220
00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:50,341
And then... Oh, I must get
in the right place, muscles' inside.
Patience... There we are.
221
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:54,941
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Ouch, ouch, ouch.
222
00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:58,621
- Here we go.
- Ouch, ouch.
223
00:20:59,901 --> 00:21:01,021
- Now!
- It's...
224
00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:06,581
They say, the real expert
do it even without looking.
225
00:21:07,420 --> 00:21:09,061
Don't you dare!
226
00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:16,741
And finally... the sugar cube...
Open...
227
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:20,981
Oh, Mr King, er..., if you do
suffer extreme reaction, eh...
228
00:21:21,180 --> 00:21:25,781
frothing fit, massive neural shutdown, don't worry.
I'm sure someone will bring you in.
229
00:21:26,221 --> 00:21:31,381
- That's... very comforting.
- That's all. Part of the service.
Goodbye, Mr King.
230
00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:40,881
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
231
00:21:44,300 --> 00:21:45,800
Goodbye.
232
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:50,916
Life in the Vatican is fun, fun, fun
233
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:54,590
When you're a dancing nun, nun, nun
234
00:22:12,781 --> 00:22:13,781
Come in.
235
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:21,381
Listen, Dexter, is there
something troubling you?
236
00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:23,581
Something that you want
to talk to someone about?
237
00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:27,596
Well, yeah, actually, as a matter of fact there is...
238
00:22:27,820 --> 00:22:30,541
Then for fuck's sake talk to
someone about it, really.
239
00:22:30,900 --> 00:22:35,221
And sort it out before I sack
you and hire a lobotomized
monkey to play your role. OK?
240
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:37,700
Thank you, my friend.
241
00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:46,301
The moment you called I thought:
"This is it. This is it."
242
00:22:46,940 --> 00:22:49,061
I haven't known what my life is about.
243
00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:51,981
I had a nervous breakdown
after another breakdown.
244
00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:57,541
Now suddenly... everything
is going to fall into place...
245
00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:00,461
with the man on the end of this telephone.
246
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:10,221
- Yeah... I just thought I'd give you a call.
- And thank God you did... Mr Petrol.
247
00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:18,381
If I tell you something... confidential...
248
00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:20,421
will you keep it a secret?
249
00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:24,441
Yeah, yeah, I guess, yeah.
250
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:28,231
I'm not wearing any underwear.
251
00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:30,680
Ah.
252
00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:36,870
- Is that wise?
- Screw wisdom!
Who wants to be wise?
253
00:23:37,821 --> 00:23:41,021
The Dalai Lama, to name... but one.
254
00:23:42,060 --> 00:23:46,381
Will you excuse me for one... one second.
I've... I've got to go to bathroom... OK?
255
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,437
Why? Why?
256
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:06,600
Fuck!
257
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:29,421
- Hi.
- Hello.
258
00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:39,981
Hey, let's go.
259
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:43,832
It's what I like about you.
So impetuous.
260
00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:48,941
- This is upside down.
- Huh!
261
00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:52,415
- Right. Ha-ha!
- [The bill, sir.]
262
00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:53,440
Yes, sir.
263
00:24:53,781 --> 00:24:56,861
- Nice to get to sunny Morocco.
- Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
264
00:24:57,120 --> 00:25:00,661
- You're going to Morocco?
- Ah, yeah.
But I don't know when I really am.
265
00:25:00,780 --> 00:25:03,056
Is it where man goes to pick up young boys?
266
00:25:03,180 --> 00:25:05,501
That's right! It's a top pipe for sodomy.
267
00:25:05,721 --> 00:25:09,221
- Ah, I'm sorry. May I introduce?
- This is Miss... Mrs...
- Kate.
268
00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:12,541
- Yes. Kate Tampon.
- Lemmon.
- Kate Lemmon, this is ist Tamara.
269
00:25:12,781 --> 00:25:15,081
Magovich...
For the moment at least.
270
00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:17,701
- Oh, you too...?
- Well, you know...
271
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:20,741
- Great.
- Great?
- Great.
272
00:25:21,041 --> 00:25:24,781
- Come on, lover boy.
Let's go singing in the rain.
- Goodbye.
273
00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:30,181
Of course I had other men.
Of course I had.
274
00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:33,061
Hundreds of them.
I wouldn't be human if I hadn't.
275
00:25:33,600 --> 00:25:34,861
But you know...
276
00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:37,701
even in their arms...
277
00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:41,861
even with their... enormous manhoods...
278
00:25:42,120 --> 00:25:45,541
pushing me, pushing me
to earth's unbearable ecstasy,
279
00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:48,341
I have often thought...
280
00:25:49,940 --> 00:25:51,201
Dexter King.
281
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:54,221
Dext, my petrol man...
282
00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:56,121
he's the one and for me.
283
00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:59,701
Have you ever thought about me like that?
284
00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:02,741
Please excuse me.
One minute.
285
00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:28,461
Excuse me, have you seen a nurse just...
286
00:26:30,101 --> 00:26:31,721
Ah!... No.
287
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:41,221
- Excuse me, you haven't seen that
nurse with er... an orange raincoat,
orange lipstick, orange earrings?
- You mean me?
- Yes!
288
00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:42,981
It has to be quick.
289
00:26:43,261 --> 00:26:47,261
Some old man is waiting for my
hand on his bottom and I hate
to disappoint [old people].
290
00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:51,621
Would you like to come
out to dinner with me?
291
00:26:52,360 --> 00:26:56,081
- Why?
- Why?
- Yes, why?
292
00:26:56,421 --> 00:27:00,661
Well, I, hmm,... was thinking of take on nursing.
293
00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:05,381
- You want to become a nurse?
- Yeah. That's right. I...
294
00:27:06,341 --> 00:27:09,821
want to be a nurse. My all family...
It's a family tradition. My grandfather...
295
00:27:10,061 --> 00:27:12,981
Ah... I thought maybe we could have
more time to discuss it over dinner.
296
00:27:13,181 --> 00:27:17,461
No thanks. I really get enough of that
around here without discussing it
in my spare time. Let me...
297
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:20,541
Ah. Yeah.
298
00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:31,421
I mean, you know,
[if you'd invited me]
because I was pretty or nice,
299
00:27:31,780 --> 00:27:36,101
I think that it probably would be
a good idea. But since this is
just a... professional inquiry,...
300
00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:44,981
it's probably best cut short.
- Right. I do think you are...
pretty and nice... as well.
301
00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:46,981
See you at six tomorrow then.
302
00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:52,441
- I don't get free till 10:30.
- OK. See you at 10:35 then.
303
00:27:53,140 --> 00:27:55,081
Oh! What about your fiancée?
304
00:27:55,521 --> 00:27:58,861
- I hate her.
- OK. What are you doing
that keeps you so late?
305
00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:01,801
- I am an actor.
- But not a very good one, eh?
306
00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:06,801
Morocco... Ha!
307
00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:35,861
I don't love this stuff. Somewhat
mild. No matter how many times you
use it, your hair's still dirty.
308
00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:44,441
If you ever do anything funny
in my show again, you big
elongated droplet of the dung,
309
00:28:44,621 --> 00:28:46,141
you're out! You dig me?
310
00:28:46,441 --> 00:28:52,341
- F-U-C-K-E-D, out!
- This is Ron Anderson you often hear about.
He's got a big one in this!
311
00:29:18,360 --> 00:29:20,661
- Hello.
- Hi.
312
00:29:23,880 --> 00:29:27,621
- Sorry. I'm late.
- No, it's right.
Just got in, this second.
- Oh, good, good.
313
00:29:29,040 --> 00:29:31,901
Well, so what we want to do, er...?
314
00:29:32,221 --> 00:29:38,541
Camden has everything from...
a traditional English to...
very good new Greek-Indian
restaurant called Zorba the Buddhist.
315
00:29:39,040 --> 00:29:41,040
It would be lovely but I'd like to go home.
316
00:29:41,840 --> 00:29:44,661
It's been a very hard night
and am just so terribly tired.
317
00:29:47,800 --> 00:29:53,341
OK. Well... Not even a drink?
I can offer you anything from...
Malibu to... something drinkable.
318
00:29:53,580 --> 00:29:55,281
No, something just to fall asleep.
319
00:29:57,080 --> 00:29:59,421
No, sorry for somewhat feeble excuse.
320
00:30:01,640 --> 00:30:03,840
No, that's... that's fine.
I've heard worse.
321
00:30:03,980 --> 00:30:06,301
Look, I'd love to sleep with you tonight,
322
00:30:06,500 --> 00:30:09,732
but unfortunately my flatmate's really depressed.
323
00:30:09,960 --> 00:30:12,621
And if I don't go back she'll commit suicide.
324
00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:16,261
Also, I'm thinking of becoming a nun.
325
00:30:17,100 --> 00:30:19,221
- Maybe some other time?
- Yes.
326
00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:24,201
- Could you walk me home?
Or should I just get murdered on my own?
- Oh, no, no. My pleasure.
327
00:30:24,960 --> 00:30:26,901
Do you know also people called Tampon?
328
00:30:27,320 --> 00:30:30,861
What?... Oh, no.
329
00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:38,821
- Although... I did once know
somebody called Matureinbed.
- Really?
- Yes, Suresh Matureinbed.
330
00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:40,100
He was Indian.
331
00:30:40,381 --> 00:30:42,381
Ah, when everybody meet him in school...
332
00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:45,701
they'd say "Are you... mature in bed?"
333
00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:50,341
and, of course, you know,
he had to say: "Yes I am."
334
00:30:51,840 --> 00:30:57,301
But, you see, it did turn all
around neatly as apparently, eh,
he, he was a really great lay.
335
00:31:06,040 --> 00:31:07,541
I love this feel.
336
00:31:08,900 --> 00:31:10,861
- Oh, that's where you live?
- Mmm.
337
00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:14,061
Don't be deceived by the grim exterior.
338
00:31:15,120 --> 00:31:17,041
It's a good deal grimmer inside.
339
00:31:18,080 --> 00:31:22,881
Ah, no, no, no, it's...
looks nice... looks nice.
340
00:31:25,120 --> 00:31:28,961
Look, there is just one thing
I'll try to make clear. To avoid
any embarrassment later.
341
00:31:30,120 --> 00:31:33,661
I'm sure, you know, just because
you are taking the girl out to dinner,
342
00:31:33,980 --> 00:31:35,941
it doesn't mean she's got to go to bed with you.
343
00:31:37,880 --> 00:31:39,381
No, no!
344
00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:44,061
Absolutely. I'm not... Oh my God.
345
00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:49,114
Absolutely not. No!
346
00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:52,981
Yeah, well, the thing is I'm not
that sort of girl who believes in that.
347
00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:57,861
I think it's much better to go
to bed with the person on the first
date... to get it out of the way.
348
00:31:59,040 --> 00:32:02,701
There's no point in us having ten expensive
dinners if I already know I like you.
349
00:32:04,880 --> 00:32:05,880
Oh.
350
00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:12,221
- So I'm... I'm off full day tomorrow,
so why wouldn't you come round?
- Oh, that... that would be great.
351
00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:19,081
- And when I say "great",
you know... I... I mean... great.
- Good!
352
00:32:20,760 --> 00:32:22,101
Good night.
353
00:32:24,320 --> 00:32:25,861
I like your jacket.
354
00:33:04,720 --> 00:33:06,321
Hi. Come in.
355
00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:16,821
Green and orange are
my favourite colours.
356
00:33:17,640 --> 00:33:20,661
- Orange particularly.
- Yes.
357
00:33:21,000 --> 00:33:24,461
Sorry about last night.
I was very tired.
358
00:33:26,080 --> 00:33:27,781
I'm less tired now.
359
00:33:29,080 --> 00:33:31,421
- I'm not tired either.
- Great!
360
00:33:32,720 --> 00:33:39,401
Two people... alone...
in the middle of the afternoon...
and not tired!
361
00:33:41,280 --> 00:33:44,452
Ideal circumstances... for Scrabble.
362
00:34:22,480 --> 00:34:24,141
Orange particularly.
363
00:34:50,560 --> 00:34:52,901
- What's going on down there?
- That's the feathers.
364
00:34:53,360 --> 00:34:55,700
Hey, figure, I have got no feathers.
365
00:34:55,961 --> 00:34:58,801
Certainly not. Duvet.
I'm allergic to feathers.
366
00:35:01,520 --> 00:35:04,101
Good God!...
You're ridiculous fellow!
367
00:35:48,520 --> 00:35:49,520
Au!
368
00:36:48,480 --> 00:36:54,741
- How that was... wild!
- Oh, oh, that was wild, I think.
369
00:37:01,520 --> 00:37:03,261
Unhung... God!
370
00:37:03,880 --> 00:37:06,601
And with the top of our fun
I think you've missed your show.
371
00:37:11,880 --> 00:37:14,941
- Fancy a fuck, big boy?
- No thanks, just had one.
372
00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:44,061
Get off...
Get off!
373
00:37:56,720 --> 00:38:01,941
How dare you improvise,
you diminutive Mediterranean moron!
374
00:38:02,000 --> 00:38:04,261
And as for you, Daddy Long Legs...
375
00:38:04,400 --> 00:38:08,792
I've been waiting for this moment ever
since I first made a mistake of hiring you.
376
00:38:09,020 --> 00:38:12,081
You're both... fired.
I give you a week's notice.
377
00:38:12,220 --> 00:38:18,021
- A week?
- All right, a day then. Tonight is your last night.
- You can't do that! I demand to talk to the producer.
- I am the producer.
378
00:38:18,380 --> 00:38:27,381
- In that case, you can do that but I'm not going
to give you the satisfaction of sacking me. I resign!
- Good! In that case you get no severance pay
and I sue your arse for breach of contract.
379
00:38:27,560 --> 00:38:30,821
In that case I don't resign,
you total and utter bastard!
380
00:38:32,120 --> 00:38:36,701
I hope all of your children
will have very small dicks!
And that includes the girls!
381
00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:47,081
Well, as you probably all know,
this is Dexter's last night.
382
00:38:47,340 --> 00:38:50,461
And now he's got to get away at
the end of this show, so that's why
we have the party in the end of it.
383
00:38:51,080 --> 00:38:53,461
Dexter's been with the show
from the very beginning...
384
00:38:53,841 --> 00:38:57,501
and I know that some of you...
some of us... are going to miss him.
385
00:38:58,240 --> 00:39:01,101
We wish him best of luck in anything
he chooses to do in the future...
386
00:39:01,600 --> 00:39:05,341
- And the same goes for, uh...
- Charlie.
- Charlie...
387
00:39:05,521 --> 00:39:10,441
who's been with the show for, uh...
- Five years.
- Five... five years.
388
00:39:11,360 --> 00:39:13,360
- Anne, [that calls] for a champagne?
- Yes.
389
00:39:20,020 --> 00:39:23,501
- To Dexter's future.
- To Dexter's future.
390
00:39:24,720 --> 00:39:25,720
Mm.
391
00:39:33,840 --> 00:39:35,040
- What's happened?
392
00:39:35,781 --> 00:39:39,381
- I've got sacked.
- Sacked!? Oh dear.
393
00:39:39,920 --> 00:39:41,421
That's terrible!
394
00:39:42,000 --> 00:39:44,721
Oh no. Not for just a one night stand!
395
00:39:46,120 --> 00:39:50,141
- A one night stand?
- Well, one afternoon.
396
00:39:52,640 --> 00:39:54,181
Oh my God.
397
00:39:54,720 --> 00:39:57,221
You are gonna be so easy to tease.
398
00:40:05,880 --> 00:40:08,315
I never thought I'd miss you
399
00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:10,673
Half as much
400
00:40:10,800 --> 00:40:12,757
As I do
401
00:40:18,480 --> 00:40:23,541
And I never thought I'd feel this wayThe way I feel...
- Hello, Mr M.
402
00:40:23,781 --> 00:40:25,521
About you
Good morning, Dexter.
403
00:40:31,080 --> 00:40:32,892
As soon as I wake up
404
00:40:33,120 --> 00:40:35,980
Every night, every day
405
00:40:37,440 --> 00:40:39,636
I know that it's you I need
406
00:40:39,760 --> 00:40:42,320
To take the blues away
407
00:40:43,600 --> 00:40:46,859
It must be love, love, love
408
00:40:48,360 --> 00:40:51,981
It must be love, love, love
409
00:40:52,640 --> 00:40:57,461
Nothing more, nothing less Love is the best
410
00:41:07,860 --> 00:41:10,421
- And what is this?
- My pajamas.
411
00:41:11,560 --> 00:41:15,501
- You wear them again, I leave you instantly.
- Oh, Why not! I think it's great.
412
00:41:16,480 --> 00:41:23,021
- They're not great. Look, they are wide
enough to fit two people in there.
- Nonsense. They're great.
- You dig?
413
00:41:23,440 --> 00:41:28,341
As soon as I wake up Every night, every day
414
00:41:29,780 --> 00:41:34,401
I know that it's you I need To take the blues away
415
00:41:35,840 --> 00:41:39,151
It must be love, love, love
416
00:41:40,600 --> 00:41:43,832
It must be love, love, love
417
00:41:45,240 --> 00:41:48,472
It must be love, love, love
418
00:41:49,880 --> 00:41:53,157
It must be love, love, love
419
00:41:54,600 --> 00:41:57,911
It must be love, love, love...
420
00:41:58,560 --> 00:42:00,060
I've got to go to work.
421
00:42:00,741 --> 00:42:03,151
- Oh, wait a minute.
I'll keep you a company.
- OK.
422
00:42:03,480 --> 00:42:06,741
- How much time have I got?
- About twelve seconds.
423
00:42:07,921 --> 00:42:09,941
No... Wait, wait, wait, wait!
424
00:42:15,720 --> 00:42:19,350
- This is so important not to be late.
- [ No, I don't want that both
of us will lose our jobs. ]
425
00:42:19,480 --> 00:42:25,621
Right. Still, there's more in life than
get beaten with the fish or an iron bar
six times a week by that man.
- Absolutely!
426
00:42:26,840 --> 00:42:28,661
- Mind that tree.
- What tree?
427
00:42:32,240 --> 00:42:37,701
- So why were you doing that job, anyway?
- Oh, that's all I think I can get. You know,
life is not that easy for tall american actors...
428
00:42:38,080 --> 00:42:41,981
in London. [Before I've got in] the Ron's
show, you know, all I think I had,
was playing Abraham Lincoln
429
00:42:42,080 --> 00:42:46,141
in the series of advertisements for... muffins.
My career wasn't like a torpedo.
430
00:42:46,761 --> 00:42:48,421
But Ron Anderson saw you were brilliant.
431
00:42:48,720 --> 00:42:50,000
No, he knew I was cheap.
432
00:42:50,141 --> 00:42:56,101
The show was supposed to last for
six weeks. It was run for six years and
in the end I was still earning less for a week
than the Coke machine in the dressing room.
433
00:42:56,200 --> 00:42:57,741
Hang on, one second.
434
00:43:00,080 --> 00:43:02,441
Is there anybody who could
help you to get another job?
435
00:43:02,840 --> 00:43:06,141
- Of course, yeah. Listen, I hope so.
I've got a very powerful agent.
- Good!
436
00:43:06,380 --> 00:43:09,801
Going out with an actor is bad enough.
But if I've got to be saddled
with out of work actor...
437
00:43:10,041 --> 00:43:12,201
- Should be now...
- Absolutely not.
438
00:43:12,681 --> 00:43:15,701
- I shall take actions this very afternoon.
- Good.
439
00:43:18,600 --> 00:43:20,821
I say: tidy yourself up a bit first.
440
00:43:28,840 --> 00:43:29,840
Oh.
441
00:43:30,680 --> 00:43:34,981
Oh, hello, Mr. King. Take a seat. I'm sure
Mary will be with you in just a minute.
442
00:43:37,560 --> 00:43:40,301
Mary said you should have a look at these scripts.
443
00:43:40,460 --> 00:43:44,861
The Spielberg looks very interesting.
But the Woody Allen is just a cameo.
444
00:43:45,960 --> 00:43:49,701
- Hmm. Thanks.
- Mr Pinter asked you to look at this...
445
00:43:50,041 --> 00:43:52,161
and this is one from Arthur Miller...
446
00:43:52,300 --> 00:43:55,181
that Mary doesn't think it's
as good as the Stoppard's one.
447
00:43:55,440 --> 00:43:56,821
Oh, thank you very much!
448
00:43:57,340 --> 00:44:01,261
Mary says why wouldn't you look at this?
It's for "Shake n' Vac".
449
00:44:02,120 --> 00:44:04,701
You will be... tall American.
450
00:44:15,320 --> 00:44:19,681
The thing is, my darling boy.
It's such a long time since
you've been up on the market.
451
00:44:20,021 --> 00:44:22,321
Well, maybe that makes me a... novelty?
452
00:44:22,600 --> 00:44:26,881
[Don't even dream about that.]
Seventy three percent of actors are unemployed.
453
00:44:27,800 --> 00:44:32,795
- And nevertheless Roger Moore is still in work.
- Yes. It's a dark and mysterious world.
454
00:44:33,920 --> 00:44:37,741
I suppose I could get for you audition with Berkoff.
He's doing a new play.
455
00:44:38,280 --> 00:44:40,581
"England, my England".
456
00:44:41,161 --> 00:44:43,161
That's good, yeah, I'll go for that.
457
00:44:47,400 --> 00:44:48,901
Fuck off!
458
00:44:50,740 --> 00:44:56,901
Fuck off yourself!
And the same goes for your friend!
Now... Fuck off!
459
00:44:59,140 --> 00:45:00,661
You fuck off!
460
00:45:05,920 --> 00:45:08,221
He said he thought that you lack anger.
461
00:45:09,240 --> 00:45:13,821
- Well, I don't know.
I was pretty pissed off by the end.
- Yes, I think he's probably insane.
462
00:45:14,640 --> 00:45:19,840
There are a couple of parts
coming out in Granada.
Not big but at least it's telling.
463
00:45:20,560 --> 00:45:21,941
Sounds fine to me.
464
00:45:22,360 --> 00:45:25,341
Well, let's get to the read
through, shall we? Page 26.
465
00:45:25,560 --> 00:45:28,301
I'm reading Bob's part, OK?
466
00:45:29,240 --> 00:45:33,221
Right. I'm driving alone.
It's raining hard.
467
00:45:33,960 --> 00:45:36,701
Vicious, dark, gray rain.
468
00:45:36,980 --> 00:45:39,301
Suddenly I spy someone.
469
00:45:39,720 --> 00:45:46,021
I jam on the brakes with my foot.
I wind down the window and...
470
00:45:47,620 --> 00:45:51,101
"Excuse me."
"Is this the right road to Cirencester?"
471
00:45:53,000 --> 00:45:55,261
- "Aye, the beat."
- "Thanks."
472
00:45:56,600 --> 00:45:58,941
Good, Dennis. Excellent!
473
00:46:00,440 --> 00:46:03,374
Could you try... a little more... mystery?
474
00:46:04,540 --> 00:46:08,321
The only other thing at the moment is
a new musical that the RSC are doing.
(The RSC: Royal Shakespeare Company)
475
00:46:08,760 --> 00:46:11,641
- What's it about?
- The Elephant Man.
476
00:46:13,360 --> 00:46:18,741
- Er... A musical of the... Elephant Man?
What's it called?
- "Elephant", I think.
477
00:46:19,021 --> 00:46:21,301
With an exclamation mark presumably.
478
00:46:22,680 --> 00:46:25,354
I pity the poor bastard who
has to play the elephant.
479
00:46:25,480 --> 00:46:32,041
- Remember dearest, everyone thought
"Jesus Christ Superstar" was a stupid idea.
- "Jesus Christ Superstar" was a stupid idea.
- True.
480
00:46:32,421 --> 00:46:38,741
But, ah... I've got to get something, er...
or else my girlfriend the nurse may...
begin to sleep with other men.
481
00:46:53,960 --> 00:46:57,620
OK, let's take this once again
because it's not quite right.
Let's go again.
482
00:46:57,780 --> 00:47:01,615
One, two, turn, three, four and five.
483
00:47:04,760 --> 00:47:11,021
London, City of SinLondon, the town we grew up inJust one grave in loony bin
484
00:47:11,440 --> 00:47:12,861
Yeah. Someone sings a bit flat.
485
00:47:13,021 --> 00:47:14,221
[ Queue to sing me a G. ]
486
00:47:15,341 --> 00:47:30,661
La. La. ... La...
- Baaaaaa...
487
00:47:31,600 --> 00:47:36,101
- Mr King!
- Oh yes. Listen, I am really sorry.
I guess, I'm a little...
488
00:47:36,261 --> 00:47:39,621
out of practice.
- No.
- Pathetic. Actually, sorry, really grotesquely.
489
00:47:39,840 --> 00:47:42,161
Awful. My voice is maybe
somewhat scratchy from cold.
490
00:47:42,200 --> 00:47:46,421
Not at all. In fact, Dexter, we'd just like
to exchange words with you on something.
491
00:47:46,680 --> 00:47:49,741
[ Perhaps, we could just have a chat
in a place... a little more private. ]
492
00:47:50,520 --> 00:47:52,261
- The thing is, Dexter...
- Yeah?
493
00:47:52,440 --> 00:47:54,581
We've been watching you very carefully.
494
00:47:55,320 --> 00:47:57,621
And well, we think...
495
00:47:58,360 --> 00:48:02,501
- Do you want to say it, Marc Antonio?
- Oh, no, no. Go ahead. You say it.
- Right...
496
00:48:02,920 --> 00:48:05,141
- We think that...
- Excuse me.
497
00:48:10,200 --> 00:48:12,541
We think we'd like to...
498
00:48:15,120 --> 00:48:19,521
- [ God! May I please have privacy for one moment!? ]
- I'm sorry, Gavin.
499
00:48:24,880 --> 00:48:27,501
- What I try to say is...
- Yeah?
500
00:48:27,980 --> 00:48:30,981
We'd like to audition you
for a very large part, indeed.
501
00:48:31,080 --> 00:48:36,700
- In this musical?
- You see, the thing is... We feel...
you have exactly the quality of...
502
00:48:36,900 --> 00:48:42,000
awkwardness and vulnerability,
we were looking for.
- Yes, you are a victim. That's we need.
503
00:48:42,160 --> 00:48:47,461
You are someone...
life has crushed...
grounded to the bottom.
504
00:48:48,680 --> 00:48:52,821
- True... yeah... I'm...
I still don't follow you.
- Of course.
505
00:48:53,261 --> 00:48:56,101
That would require massive amount of makeup.
506
00:48:59,280 --> 00:49:00,280
Ah.
507
00:49:01,381 --> 00:49:04,341
Here... Here!
508
00:49:04,500 --> 00:49:09,461
- We're gonna be rich, rich, rich!
- Apparently.
- Oh my God!
- What?
- The first night.
509
00:49:09,721 --> 00:49:11,301
What am I going to wear?
I have nothing.
510
00:49:11,440 --> 00:49:18,281
- Whom I'll get to take me?
- I will if you like.
- Oh, that would be so stupid.
You're a total beardy weirdy.
- Hey, you know, I've got to get some rehearsals first.
511
00:49:18,600 --> 00:49:24,701
Rehearsals be schmozzles. We all know
that acting is the easiest job in the whole
world. Don't pretend it's got to be difficult.
512
00:49:24,901 --> 00:49:28,421
No, well, it is, after I learn my lines.
Get makeup right, er...
513
00:49:28,701 --> 00:49:31,081
Sometimes it's very difficult to know
which door you come through.
514
00:49:31,320 --> 00:49:34,581
I'm Jane Highworth.
I'm in charge of costumes.
515
00:49:36,520 --> 00:49:40,241
I'm Max Fairford.
And I'm playing the circus barker.
516
00:49:41,920 --> 00:49:44,681
I'm Dexter King.
I'm playing the Elephant Man.
517
00:49:46,080 --> 00:49:51,080
I'm Timothy Hall and I am nearly bald.
That is probably why I'm playing doctor Treves.
518
00:49:52,940 --> 00:49:56,401
I'm Cheryl Heinz and...
I'm playing Lady Cranbrook.
519
00:49:58,860 --> 00:50:00,701
You all presumably know me.
520
00:50:01,480 --> 00:50:04,301
I'm Gavin... and I'm your director.
521
00:50:05,380 --> 00:50:11,541
- Right! So I take my first jump in the deep end.
Let's start with a sing through.
- Fog! Fog!
522
00:50:12,020 --> 00:50:16,181
What a dreadful fog!
523
00:50:16,920 --> 00:50:18,461
It gets me, lads.
524
00:50:18,600 --> 00:50:20,751
It's some real pea soup.
525
00:50:20,980 --> 00:50:24,000
Two, three, four, one.
526
00:50:24,180 --> 00:50:26,461
Who knows what secrets
527
00:50:26,614 --> 00:50:30,541
Its darkness hides?
528
00:50:30,820 --> 00:50:33,021
Who knows what horror
529
00:50:33,160 --> 00:50:42,781
May lurk inside?
530
00:50:44,460 --> 00:50:51,061
[ Reminder for everyone: ]
9:30 tomorrow morning begins the warm-up.
9:30, thank you.
531
00:50:52,640 --> 00:50:56,201
I have a huge nose and I sniff a hit!
532
00:51:08,880 --> 00:51:11,541
Ah, I saw you in Ron Anderson's show.
533
00:51:11,765 --> 00:51:13,421
I thought you were lovely.
534
00:51:13,860 --> 00:51:16,121
That can't be easy, being a straight man.
535
00:51:16,520 --> 00:51:20,601
All I had to do was... say my line
really and get punched in the face.
536
00:51:21,000 --> 00:51:27,701
- You shouldn't put yourself down.
- No, no, it's really that easy, yeah.
That fucker's role could be fully
realized by umbrella stand.
537
00:51:29,240 --> 00:51:34,321
- Well, I also think you get to be wonderful in this.
- Yeah, thanks.
538
00:51:35,001 --> 00:51:36,801
It's my first time as an elephant.
539
00:51:37,760 --> 00:51:41,581
Ah, you are very funny, aren't you?
I like funny people.
540
00:51:42,240 --> 00:51:45,781
- Are you married?...
- No...
541
00:51:46,640 --> 00:51:49,792
- My girlfriend is a nurse.
- I see.
542
00:51:50,880 --> 00:51:54,301
- Well, see you tomorrow, Dexter.
- Yes.
543
00:52:04,740 --> 00:52:10,581
- Been... Been...
- Good night.
- Good night.
544
00:52:11,680 --> 00:52:14,481
- London, City of Sin...
- How was it?
545
00:52:14,720 --> 00:52:18,421
Oh, fairly good...
Thank God, it's not Mozart.
546
00:52:19,200 --> 00:52:21,861
- Any hits to sing?
- Oh well...
547
00:52:22,040 --> 00:52:25,901
- All this sad ballad called "Packing my trunk"...
- Oh!
- Well, I think it could be very big!
548
00:52:26,360 --> 00:52:30,021
- Very big. And what's with you?
How was your day?
- Not great.
549
00:52:30,481 --> 00:52:32,261
Emergency is always pretty grisly.
550
00:52:33,040 --> 00:52:35,661
A woman I was with gave
birth to a baby in a lift.
551
00:52:36,000 --> 00:52:39,341
- Oh, was it OK, then?
- Oh, it would have been...
552
00:52:39,521 --> 00:52:43,701
but her husband slipped on the afterbirth
and broke his collarbone.
- Holy cats!
553
00:52:44,240 --> 00:52:55,801
Take a deep breath
Prepare for the worst
The ugliest man
In the Universe
554
00:52:57,780 --> 00:53:02,421
Right, once more.
And remember, the man is hideous!
555
00:53:02,660 --> 00:53:07,421
- Come on. Let's get going.
Everybody to the positions.
Come on. From the top.
- Yeah, I heard that too.
556
00:53:08,120 --> 00:53:11,341
What about the actresses?
Pulled the number with any of them there?
557
00:53:11,660 --> 00:53:17,681
Absolutely not.
All actresses there are... barracking mad.
You know, it's the first law of psychiatry.
558
00:53:18,360 --> 00:53:20,861
You look in Freud: the actual
definition of "mad" in Freud...
559
00:53:21,041 --> 00:53:23,821
is "anyone who is appearing
on the stage and is female."
560
00:53:24,160 --> 00:53:26,181
Absolutely not... actresses!
561
00:53:26,300 --> 00:53:28,581
Huh! I like you when you lie.
562
00:53:33,120 --> 00:53:38,221
[ Go along! Go along! ][ He speaks as an Englishman ][ And he looks like an elephant ][ but he talks like a man]
563
00:53:38,360 --> 00:53:44,161
[ Groove on! Groove on! ]The tent is bustingHere he comes! Mister Disgusting!
564
00:53:47,600 --> 00:53:49,951
Wrong door, Dexter!
565
00:53:51,600 --> 00:53:58,101
- OK, from the top again.
- OK, back in front again.
- Tell me about the first night party.
566
00:53:58,480 --> 00:54:00,881
Oh, there will be a lot of famous people there.
567
00:54:01,281 --> 00:54:07,161
- And I am going to feel stupid.
- Well, no, no... I think... no.
568
00:54:08,080 --> 00:54:12,950
It's gonna be a nightmare.
Really, hundreds of people
crammed in that backstage.
569
00:54:13,080 --> 00:54:16,381
It's gonna be like happy hour
in the Black Hole of Calcutta.
570
00:54:18,080 --> 00:54:19,361
Who's going to be there?
571
00:54:19,821 --> 00:54:25,901
Ah, well, everybody. Gavin, the director,
the producer, everybody from
the cast, Timothy, Cheryl, hmm...
572
00:54:27,000 --> 00:54:32,081
- Cyprus Charlie, whom I have
managed to get in the company
as my personal dresser.
- Oh.
573
00:54:33,080 --> 00:54:35,914
If we'll be profoundly unlucky,
even Ron will be there.
574
00:54:36,140 --> 00:54:40,261
Good! Oh good! I will put on
some orange and flirt with him.
575
00:54:40,880 --> 00:54:42,561
Don't you dare.
576
00:54:43,781 --> 00:54:49,300
As soon as he fancies somebody,
he starts coming on with stories
about his great pals Charles and Di.
577
00:54:49,440 --> 00:54:53,981
It's totally revolting. He uses the queen
and her kin as a sexual lubricant.
578
00:54:54,840 --> 00:54:59,381
Please, I have got to do something,
because everybody is going to be
telling you how wonderful you are.
579
00:54:59,700 --> 00:55:03,541
I just see it: "The most moving
Elephant I've ever seen."
580
00:55:03,640 --> 00:55:06,501
No, I don't think so...
don't think so...
581
00:55:07,060 --> 00:55:09,529
Somewhere
582
00:55:09,560 --> 00:55:12,792
Up in heaven
583
00:55:13,020 --> 00:55:19,421
There is an angel
With big ears.
584
00:55:19,800 --> 00:55:31,381
An angel
With big ears.
585
00:55:31,540 --> 00:55:34,981
And... cut!
586
00:55:40,040 --> 00:55:41,374
Well...
587
00:55:43,000 --> 00:55:44,581
What can I say?
588
00:55:46,100 --> 00:55:49,021
The entrances are pathetically sloppy.
589
00:55:51,480 --> 00:55:55,061
The first half is mind-bendingly slow.
590
00:55:56,700 --> 00:55:59,881
Nobody seems to have
the faintest clue what the lines are.
591
00:56:02,060 --> 00:56:05,181
But it's a bloody masterpiece!
592
00:56:07,880 --> 00:56:14,221
And... to reward you all for
being so totally wonderful...
Olé!
593
00:56:42,920 --> 00:56:47,381
- Dexter, see you tomorrow. Good night.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- See you tomorrow.
594
00:56:58,120 --> 00:57:03,281
You realize that I'm falling in
love with you... Mr Dexter King?
595
00:57:04,280 --> 00:57:05,947
Yeah...
596
00:57:07,120 --> 00:57:10,181
That's probably not a good idea.
597
00:57:10,580 --> 00:57:16,178
Love knows not good and bad, but
runs wherever the wild heart leads.
598
00:57:17,420 --> 00:57:20,572
- Not a good idea, because
you've got a girlfriend?
- Yeah...
599
00:57:21,280 --> 00:57:24,361
Bah... I've got a husband.
600
00:57:27,560 --> 00:57:29,141
Is he, er...
601
00:57:31,780 --> 00:57:36,401
Is he, er...
Is he... nice?
602
00:57:37,880 --> 00:57:39,461
He's lovely.
603
00:57:40,140 --> 00:57:42,001
Much nicer than you.
604
00:57:42,600 --> 00:57:46,221
Much... much nicer.
605
00:58:15,640 --> 00:58:17,307
Oops.
606
00:58:41,640 --> 00:58:43,001
Sorry...
607
00:58:44,980 --> 00:58:46,841
I'm [dead tired].
608
00:58:46,880 --> 00:58:49,941
That's fine. That's fine.
I'm pretty [tired] myself.
609
00:58:53,520 --> 00:59:03,941
Here we are on the stage of the Theatre Royal,
Drury Lane and tomorrow here is the long-awaited
evening of "Elephant", the first ever musical to deal
face to face with the subject of elephantiasis.
610
00:59:04,100 --> 00:59:08,301
- "Are you enjoying your new room, John?"
- "Yes, thank you, doctor.
It's pretty difficult [to complain]."
611
00:59:08,400 --> 00:59:10,621
- "Excellent, I want the Matron."
- "Hello, doctor."
612
00:59:10,780 --> 00:59:13,981
- "Everything all right, Matron?"
- "Yes, thank you, doctor."
- "How are you, John?"
613
00:59:14,120 --> 00:59:15,561
- "Excellent, thank you."
- Good, again.
614
00:59:15,740 --> 00:59:18,817
- Morning, Mrs Heinz.
I hope you break a leg tonight.
- Thank you, David.
615
00:59:19,061 --> 00:59:22,521
- Morning, Mr Hall.
I hope you break a leg tonight.
- Thank you, David.
616
00:59:23,180 --> 00:59:25,201
Morning, Mr King.
I hope you...
617
00:59:26,960 --> 00:59:29,421
- Good luck tonight.
- Thank you, David.
618
00:59:30,960 --> 00:59:32,261
Do we have the card?
619
00:59:34,961 --> 00:59:36,781
Oh, perfect!
620
00:59:54,360 --> 00:59:55,621
Come in.
621
00:59:56,080 --> 00:59:58,640
- Mrs Heinz, it's for you.
- Thank you, David.
622
01:00:05,280 --> 01:00:06,741
Wonderful.
623
01:00:12,240 --> 01:00:14,701
Oh! Oh, thanks.
624
01:00:29,480 --> 01:00:36,641
Good evening, Dr Treves. Delighted to meet you.
Good evening, Dr Treves. Delighted to meet you.
Good evening, Dr Treves. Delighted to meet you.
625
01:00:36,860 --> 01:00:42,741
Loony bin...
[ Act one begins. It's a call message for the beginning of act one. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you. ]
626
01:00:43,400 --> 01:00:50,801
But it's a stinking show...But it's a stinking show...
No... No... Right.
627
01:00:58,080 --> 01:01:00,321
OK, so wait with the bag...
628
01:01:10,860 --> 01:01:12,481
Are you ready, Mr Hall?
629
01:01:14,240 --> 01:01:15,656
Perfectly.
630
01:01:21,320 --> 01:01:24,161
One minute to the cut-off.Thank you.
631
01:01:45,281 --> 01:01:46,281
Thank you, Mike.
632
01:01:50,180 --> 01:01:53,421
- Beginners in position.
- The curtain is about to rise.
633
01:01:53,600 --> 01:01:59,621
Thank you, how kind, never had...
toothpick of my own before.
634
01:02:01,645 --> 01:02:03,341
Oh! [Excuse me.]
635
01:02:03,901 --> 01:02:06,821
- Oh!
- It's Frank.
- Hello.
636
01:02:08,120 --> 01:02:10,635
Very sexy. Very stupid.
637
01:02:11,520 --> 01:02:13,061
Go smoke one...
638
01:02:14,200 --> 01:02:15,441
Go smoke two...
639
01:02:16,801 --> 01:02:18,061
Go smoke three...
640
01:02:25,860 --> 01:02:27,381
Oh my God. This is it.
641
01:02:28,141 --> 01:02:29,961
Go Dexter, go.
642
01:02:51,480 --> 01:02:53,378
Cut smoke off. Thank you.
643
01:02:54,200 --> 01:03:03,301
Fog... Fog...What a dreadful fog...
644
01:03:04,320 --> 01:03:05,879
It gets me, lads
645
01:03:06,000 --> 01:03:08,501
It's a real pea soup
646
01:03:11,360 --> 01:03:13,661
Who knows what secrets
647
01:03:13,861 --> 01:03:17,061
Its darkness hides?
648
01:03:17,701 --> 01:03:19,681
Who knows what horror
649
01:03:19,920 --> 01:03:28,781
May lurk inside?
650
01:03:33,840 --> 01:03:38,901
[ Groove on! Groove on! ][ It's colourful circus ]Come up!
651
01:03:39,000 --> 01:03:49,301
[ Groove on! Come up! ] [ It's for people simple enough ]Hooray!Good night! He is as strange as Halley's CometI mean he makes you puke just looking on him
652
01:03:50,920 --> 01:03:55,153
Go along! Go along! [ It's for people simple enough ] Come up!
653
01:03:55,380 --> 01:03:58,141
[What do you think about my stint?]
654
01:03:58,300 --> 01:04:06,141
A lady with a beard[Take look at him then]He's really mad!
655
01:04:06,880 --> 01:04:11,976
[ Go along! Go along! ][ He speaks just like an Englishman ][ And he looks like an elephant ][ but he talks like a man ]
656
01:04:12,180 --> 01:04:17,901
Go along! Go along!The tent is bustingHere he comes, Mister Disgusting!
657
01:04:27,180 --> 01:04:37,981
Take a deep breath
Prepare for the worst
The ugliest man
In the Universe
658
01:04:49,280 --> 01:04:54,594
I don't know how to reach him
659
01:04:54,820 --> 01:04:58,350
He's so distantLike a priest or a monk
660
01:04:58,480 --> 01:05:05,741
And just when I think he's staying
661
01:05:07,200 --> 01:05:15,901
I'm finding out He's packing his trunk
662
01:06:23,680 --> 01:06:27,461
He is a real man
663
01:06:28,000 --> 01:06:31,101
Not an elephant
664
01:06:33,000 --> 01:06:35,660
Can he make it?
665
01:06:39,920 --> 01:06:42,480
No, he can't
666
01:06:45,720 --> 01:06:51,101
Now his soul is soaring
667
01:06:51,200 --> 01:06:57,981
Leaving this world of tears
668
01:06:58,520 --> 01:07:01,041
Somewhere
669
01:07:01,241 --> 01:07:04,001
Up in heaven
670
01:07:04,260 --> 01:07:10,681
There is an angel
With big ears.
671
01:07:10,840 --> 01:07:22,581
An angel
With big ears.
672
01:07:37,120 --> 01:07:41,661
Thank you...
Thank you very much...
Thanks...
673
01:07:43,360 --> 01:07:44,661
Ah, thank you very much.
674
01:07:46,720 --> 01:07:49,861
- Oh hey, Charlie. Nice tux.
- Oh, thank you, Dex.
675
01:07:50,720 --> 01:07:52,041
I've spotted a woman.
676
01:07:52,641 --> 01:07:55,561
She is like a hungry leopard in full blossom!
677
01:07:57,040 --> 01:07:58,861
Do you think I stand a chance?
678
01:07:59,900 --> 01:08:01,900
I am only his landlady...
679
01:08:02,320 --> 01:08:04,661
Yeah, possible, possible.
680
01:08:05,380 --> 01:08:08,861
- Darling, this is Mary Simmons, Dexter's agent.
- Very touching.
- And...
681
01:08:09,001 --> 01:08:16,161
- Kate. Kate.
- Ah! This is my wife, Cheryl.
- Hello. I think you were really good. Well done!
- Thanks very much... Darling!
682
01:08:19,700 --> 01:08:22,781
- Are you OK?
- You were wonderful.
- Oh!
683
01:08:23,701 --> 01:08:27,061
Hi. Thank you. Good.
684
01:08:33,741 --> 01:08:40,921
Sorry I'm so late. Had some rather special
guests at my show tonight. It's difficult
to tell the heir to the throne to bugger off
because you've got a party to go to.
685
01:08:42,260 --> 01:08:48,621
Hello, Dexter. The word on the street
is that your makeup is just excellent.
686
01:08:50,800 --> 01:08:55,661
- Well, what's next?
- Shakespeare.
- Oh, yes.
687
01:08:55,800 --> 01:08:58,861
- Back to the bosom of the bard.
- Yes.
688
01:08:59,020 --> 01:09:04,301
- It's a musical based on "Richard III",
called "Dirty Dick".
- Any hits?
689
01:09:04,640 --> 01:09:10,238
Well, there's one called:
"I've got a hunch I'm gonna be king".
Sounding pretty good.
690
01:09:10,560 --> 01:09:12,701
Oh, I mean it's so damn confusing.
691
01:09:12,941 --> 01:09:21,311
One day you're bowing and calling him
"Your Highness" and the next you're
blind drunk and trying to stick toasted
crumbs, you know, in his "Champs-Élysées".
692
01:09:22,040 --> 01:09:25,401
So, anyway, I said:
"Where should I send it to?"
693
01:09:25,720 --> 01:09:29,261
He said: "Just stick 'Buckingham
Palace' on the envelope and get with."
694
01:09:29,940 --> 01:09:39,521
- I've got a hunch I'm gonna be king.- King...- I'm dirty Dick And killing's my thing. Gloves, shoes!
695
01:09:43,900 --> 01:09:46,821
Excuse me.
You were... brilliant.
696
01:09:47,000 --> 01:09:49,993
- You were just... brilliant.
- Thank you very much!
697
01:09:54,680 --> 01:09:56,301
Ain't it lovely?
698
01:10:01,261 --> 01:10:04,621
Thank God that's over.
Oh!
699
01:10:05,000 --> 01:10:06,861
- You were very good.
- Ah.
700
01:10:07,880 --> 01:10:12,581
All off. Look at it. I think
people could be a little more
original with the presents.
701
01:10:12,720 --> 01:10:18,161
Six Babars, three Dumbos and
two Celestes. What should I say?
Look at it!
702
01:10:19,120 --> 01:10:20,581
What is it?
A pig.
703
01:10:21,860 --> 01:10:24,301
What?
What is the pig person thinking about?
704
01:10:24,680 --> 01:10:27,115
Well... Maybe they were out of elephants.
705
01:10:27,340 --> 01:10:29,141
Here we go. Maybe it's so.
706
01:10:30,960 --> 01:10:35,221
- What are you doing?
- I'm packing a case.
- Why are you doing that?
707
01:10:36,420 --> 01:10:40,061
Because...
I'm leaving here and I'm not coming back.
708
01:10:43,720 --> 01:10:45,741
What? What? Why?
709
01:10:45,840 --> 01:10:48,361
Because you've been having
an affair with that lady - Cheryl.
710
01:10:51,000 --> 01:10:54,541
Don't you try to deny it.
It will be very grim...
It's true, isn't it?
711
01:10:59,640 --> 01:11:02,621
- It's not an affair...
- Ah!
712
01:11:03,320 --> 01:11:04,520
Who told you?
713
01:11:05,800 --> 01:11:07,981
Hum, well, she did really.
714
01:11:08,561 --> 01:11:12,421
Tonight, when we were at the party,
you went up to her and you handed her a drink.
715
01:11:12,641 --> 01:11:18,061
And... She didn't say thank you.
She did not not even smile.
716
01:11:18,200 --> 01:11:22,301
She just took it. You got to know
somebody very well indeed...
for something like that to have happened.
717
01:11:22,480 --> 01:11:24,121
That smacked a collusion.
718
01:11:25,301 --> 01:11:28,941
And also now when I come to think of it,
whenever you mention her name, you pause...
719
01:11:29,661 --> 01:11:35,501
like you're giving something away.
- Gavin, the director, the producer,
the whole cast, Timothy, Cheryl, uh...
720
01:11:36,620 --> 01:11:40,981
Cyprus Charlie, whom I've... managed to get
in the company as my personal dresser...
721
01:11:42,160 --> 01:11:43,861
That were your only clues?
722
01:11:44,840 --> 01:11:46,840
You said you like me because I'm so clever.
723
01:11:47,440 --> 01:11:55,381
- Anyway, I'm sure we'll meet again
next time you plan to go to Morocco...
- No. This is stupid. I mean... It's over...
And it's nothing.
724
01:11:55,560 --> 01:12:00,301
Yeah, but, unfortunately, in what was
going on, I meant nothing too, didn't I?
And I am worth more than nothing, aren't I?
725
01:12:00,641 --> 01:12:03,501
- Yes!
- So?
726
01:12:06,340 --> 01:12:09,081
Bye-bye. Take care.
727
01:12:10,640 --> 01:12:12,781
And by the way, the pig, it was from me.
728
01:12:24,040 --> 01:12:35,101
Take a deep breath
Prepare for the worst
The stupidest man
In the Universe
729
01:12:48,040 --> 01:12:49,301
That's fair.
730
01:13:09,980 --> 01:13:10,980
Hi.
731
01:13:23,720 --> 01:13:26,021
Hi Dexter. I...
732
01:13:26,600 --> 01:13:27,900
Dexter, look, I...
733
01:13:29,120 --> 01:13:30,661
I look for... Fuck!...
734
01:13:41,880 --> 01:13:44,261
Good evening and welcome to "After dark"
735
01:13:44,760 --> 01:13:46,981
Tonight we're having a look on infidelity.
736
01:13:47,320 --> 01:13:51,155
All of our guests here tonighthave in some way been unfaithful.
737
01:13:51,380 --> 01:13:53,849
First... Cecil Parkinson...
738
01:13:57,200 --> 01:14:03,301
If you go then I'll be blueCause breaking up is hard to do...
739
01:14:05,360 --> 01:14:16,621
I've got my pride and I know how to hide All my sorrow and pain I'll do my crying in the rain
740
01:14:17,700 --> 01:14:22,941
So let the heartaches begin...
741
01:14:24,860 --> 01:14:28,501
Well, since my baby left me Well, I've found a new...
742
01:14:30,060 --> 01:14:36,641
...help it, I can't win I've lost that girl for sure...
743
01:14:36,960 --> 01:14:38,140
You know...
744
01:14:38,341 --> 01:14:43,421
Two months ago I had everything.
I had a girl I loved...
Who loved me.
745
01:14:44,900 --> 01:14:45,900
Now...
746
01:14:46,980 --> 01:14:50,301
You and me on a bench...
That's what I have.
747
01:14:51,620 --> 01:14:55,301
- I love you, Dex.
- Oh, thanks, Charlie.
748
01:14:55,840 --> 01:14:59,201
I know it's not quite the same,
but... at least it's something.
749
01:15:01,240 --> 01:15:03,181
Oh my God, Mr Morrow!
750
01:15:04,160 --> 01:15:05,461
Mr Morrow.
751
01:15:06,600 --> 01:15:12,141
- That's the voice of Dexter King!
- Yes, it is. This is Charlie.
- How do you do?
752
01:15:12,600 --> 01:15:14,701
What do you look like?
Nice to have an image.
753
01:15:15,400 --> 01:15:18,154
- I look like Anthony Quinn.
- Oh.
754
01:15:20,340 --> 01:15:22,421
Have a seat, Mr Morrow.
755
01:15:27,520 --> 01:15:30,501
What subject are you
discussing on this fine day?
756
01:15:31,160 --> 01:15:34,741
- Love.
- Ah, boys.
757
01:15:35,480 --> 01:15:38,101
Do you want my advice on questions of love?
758
01:15:39,920 --> 01:15:41,020
- Yes.
- Yes.
759
01:15:41,520 --> 01:15:44,341
My advice is: go blind.
760
01:15:45,740 --> 01:15:47,361
Best thing that ever happened to me.
761
01:15:47,541 --> 01:15:53,541
Since 1944, every girl I've spent time
with, looks the spitting image of Mae West.
762
01:15:53,860 --> 01:15:57,081
- [ Then tearing our eyes out
will be the answer? ]
- Every time.
763
01:15:58,320 --> 01:15:59,820
Drink, anyone?
764
01:16:01,160 --> 01:16:02,660
Thanks.
765
01:16:06,520 --> 01:16:09,499
I suggest we get women truly hammered.
766
01:16:10,460 --> 01:16:15,381
I think what fights despair so
effectively is getting totally pissed.
767
01:16:22,460 --> 01:16:30,421
Well, let's be happy. I'll spend the rest
of my life pretending to be an elephant
and sharing my bed with a small squeaky pig.
768
01:16:32,480 --> 01:16:37,401
- This is for you, John... and rabbit.
- What's this?
- Thank you.
769
01:16:38,680 --> 01:16:42,841
- Shouldn't these people be
on their shows tonight?
- It was yesterday.
770
01:16:44,580 --> 01:16:47,300
Who knows, Dex?
Maybe next year you'll be up there.
771
01:16:47,480 --> 01:16:55,581
- Yeah! Best... performance in a role of pachyderm.
- The nominations for the award for best comedy performance are:
772
01:16:55,940 --> 01:16:58,701
Michael Gambon in "Arms and the Man",
773
01:16:59,240 --> 01:17:03,621
Penelope Keith in Alan Ayckbourn's"The Madwoman of Staines",
774
01:17:04,060 --> 01:17:07,621
Griff Rhys Jones in "Whoops Hamlet"...
775
01:17:08,040 --> 01:17:13,301
and Ron Andersonin "The Rubber Face" revue.
- Boo! Boo!
776
01:17:13,940 --> 01:17:15,381
And winner is...
777
01:17:15,680 --> 01:17:18,321
Come on, Michael!
Come on, Griff!
Come on, Penny!
778
01:17:18,640 --> 01:17:24,001
- Ron Anderson!
- No! Oh!... Ah!
779
01:17:27,480 --> 01:17:28,814
Was?
780
01:17:29,340 --> 01:17:30,661
Oh no!
781
01:17:32,840 --> 01:17:36,981
That is it! That's it. I-T it!
782
01:17:38,040 --> 01:17:40,701
Charlie, did you ever want
to be a West End star?
783
01:17:41,760 --> 01:17:46,381
- Oh no! No, Dex!
- Yes! Nobody will notice any difference.
- But they will!
784
01:17:46,621 --> 01:17:49,261
I'm, I'm short, you are tall, you can act...
785
01:17:49,661 --> 01:17:55,701
- I can't speak English.
- Yes, but... you can drool...
what is... crucial for this part.
786
01:17:56,600 --> 01:18:00,881
In that chair you look like...
like a young Olivier.
787
01:18:03,760 --> 01:18:06,181
Vengeance shall be mine!
788
01:18:15,840 --> 01:18:22,021
- What in the name of Judas
Iscariot's bumboy is going on?
- I'll tell you what: first you
waste five years of my life!
789
01:18:22,180 --> 01:18:26,821
- Then you take the one thing
in the world I really care about!
- Your bicycle?
- No. No! Kate!
790
01:18:26,920 --> 01:18:32,721
- You stop my show to talk about her?!
- You're damn right. I have.
Well, you're welcome to... a Dumbo.
791
01:18:32,980 --> 01:18:34,901
I've never laid hands on that dumb woman.
792
01:18:35,360 --> 01:18:37,781
- You didn't sleep with her?
- No, I bloody did not!
793
01:18:38,520 --> 01:18:45,741
I take a route, spend a king's ransom on dinner,
win an award for being the best bloody
comedian in the history of the world,
794
01:18:46,000 --> 01:18:49,821
and what do I get? Bloody nothing!
- Are these your trousers?
Yes, they are!
795
01:18:50,360 --> 01:18:55,061
Do no one have any respect for...
major comic talent these days?
796
01:18:55,640 --> 01:18:59,421
- This sort of shit never happened to Charlie Chaplin.
- Are these your car keys?
- Yes!
797
01:18:59,760 --> 01:19:03,581
Whatever you do, just face it, King.
You're worthless and weak,
798
01:19:03,800 --> 01:19:05,961
and the chances that you're getting a girlfriend
799
01:19:06,221 --> 01:19:12,041
without the help of a nuclear war that
wipes out the entire male population
of the planet are frankly pretty remote.
800
01:19:12,200 --> 01:19:18,061
Thanks. [ Ron, I can't think of a way to tell you
how much I have cherished your understanding
in all honesty of my total uselessness. ]
This is, of course, your dressing room key?
801
01:19:18,900 --> 01:19:20,300
- It may be.
- Great.
802
01:19:20,520 --> 01:19:23,901
What? I beg your pardon.
You can't leave me here.
I have a show to do!
803
01:19:24,080 --> 01:19:28,101
Oh, don't worry.
You're the best bloody comedian in the world.
They'll wait for you.
804
01:19:29,920 --> 01:19:37,021
One last thing. This may be just
a rumour but I've heard Prince Charles...
thinks you are a turding snivelling suck bat.
805
01:19:39,960 --> 01:19:41,599
No!
806
01:19:51,920 --> 01:19:55,033
Here he comes! Mr Disgusting!
807
01:20:02,200 --> 01:20:13,221
Take a deep breath
Prepare for the worst
The ugliest man
In the Universe
808
01:20:23,160 --> 01:20:25,127
No!... Ah!
809
01:20:32,680 --> 01:20:33,901
Pardon me.
810
01:20:34,680 --> 01:20:39,701
65, 100... You dipped!...
811
01:20:59,480 --> 01:21:07,061
- Excuse me, sir, have you any
idea what speed you were doing?
- Yes, I have. I've got to get in the hospital.
- Oh my God! Yes, you poor thing!
812
01:21:33,360 --> 01:21:36,021
[ Stand by this. ]
[ Emergency Room will send for you. ]
813
01:22:00,120 --> 01:22:02,061
Could you give me his X-rays please.
814
01:22:03,000 --> 01:22:04,334
Bob.
815
01:22:04,720 --> 01:22:06,670
Too late. He's dead.
816
01:22:08,700 --> 01:22:09,941
I've got to talk.
817
01:22:11,120 --> 01:22:15,381
- Impossible. There's still about [X patients from
the lorry accident on M40 motorway.] You have to wait.
- Wait... But...
- Wait, adulterer!
818
01:22:18,040 --> 01:22:20,701
You should get some treatment
of your ear before you go.
819
01:22:22,440 --> 01:22:23,440
Oh.
820
01:22:29,020 --> 01:22:31,421
- I couldn't wait any longer.
- What do you want then?
821
01:22:32,440 --> 01:22:34,021
You... desperately.
822
01:22:34,960 --> 01:22:39,581
Desperately indeed!
What do you know about despair?
Look at these two.
823
01:22:39,800 --> 01:22:42,341
This one probably will be dead
before the ten o'clock news.
824
01:22:42,320 --> 01:22:44,994
- Who, me?
- Yes. Shoosh.
825
01:22:50,320 --> 01:22:53,221
Would you... at least have dinner with me?
826
01:22:54,000 --> 01:22:55,101
Why?
827
01:22:56,680 --> 01:22:58,701
Because... I love you.
828
01:22:58,760 --> 01:23:03,741
And because... I'm almost forty
and I am a tall American... Ah!
829
01:23:04,080 --> 01:23:12,221
Whose entire career consists of playing
sidekicks and circus freaks, who doesn't
belong anywhere, except... by your side.
830
01:23:12,960 --> 01:23:15,601
And... you're all I have to show for life so far.
831
01:23:19,280 --> 01:23:22,541
- Oh.
- Excuse me nurse, [but couldn't
you eventually help me?]
832
01:23:22,740 --> 01:23:24,701
I am... in some pain actually.
833
01:23:26,400 --> 01:23:28,341
I will help you when I see fit.
834
01:23:28,861 --> 01:23:33,601
You forfeited the right being treated
as a reasonable man when you made
a decision to put the vacuum cleaner
pipe up your bottom.
835
01:23:34,560 --> 01:23:36,261
What happened with the ugly actress?
836
01:23:36,500 --> 01:23:39,021
Oh, She said... sleeps with the fire eater.
837
01:23:39,640 --> 01:23:40,901
Just dinner?
838
01:23:42,420 --> 01:23:43,490
Now...
839
01:23:43,620 --> 01:23:45,141
- Hey, nurse!
- Oh my God!
840
01:23:45,341 --> 01:23:46,959
Get pressure!
Get the [?]!
841
01:23:47,360 --> 01:23:53,421
Damn it! Mr Worthall, go, come on, come on!
Dexter, help me!
Give him the kiss of life!
842
01:23:53,680 --> 01:23:56,981
- Kiss of life? What is kiss of life?
- Get on, get on him, get on him! Come on!
843
01:23:57,181 --> 01:23:59,301
Move it! Push! Push!
844
01:23:59,420 --> 01:24:01,696
- Come on!
- Ouch!
- Ouch! No, you push, you push and I kiss.
845
01:24:02,220 --> 01:24:04,661
- Come on! Push! Push now!
- I push.
- That's it!
846
01:24:04,800 --> 01:24:08,901
Come on, Bob!
Keep at it hard!
Breathe it, bastard!
847
01:24:09,120 --> 01:24:14,901
- Breathe!
- Give him that.
- Aaah!
- Yes, yes!
- Yeah!
- Yes!
- Yeah! Oh!
848
01:24:16,520 --> 01:24:18,461
Wow! Well done, Sir.
849
01:24:19,120 --> 01:24:21,901
Did she say yes or no?
850
01:24:23,640 --> 01:24:26,241
Go on. Or I'll die again.
851
01:24:26,501 --> 01:24:32,761
- Yeah, give him another chance.
You are only young once.
- [ Go on. Hear me, people. ]
[ You might get under the bus tomorrow. ]
- [ These two are crazy. ]
852
01:24:35,940 --> 01:24:38,641
Please, just dinner.
Let me explain.
853
01:24:43,840 --> 01:24:47,861
I was a complete... total... utter... idiot!
854
01:24:48,800 --> 01:24:53,061
Er... I've learned my lesson
completely, totally, utterly!
855
01:24:56,520 --> 01:24:58,841
- Just dinner?
- I promise.
856
01:25:00,840 --> 01:25:02,174
What?
857
01:25:03,400 --> 01:25:05,221
No sex at the end?
858
01:25:06,720 --> 01:25:08,561
Well, maybe...
859
01:25:09,141 --> 01:25:13,061
Sex? Yes! All right, if you insist!
860
01:25:17,560 --> 01:25:18,901
OK then.
861
01:26:15,000 --> 01:26:19,000
Subtitles by: Vitaly (vipo).
(Leningrad (USSR)-Gush Dan (Israel)).
Editing program: "Subtitle Edit" on Linux.
March 4, 2021.
862
01:26:26,780 --> 01:26:29,341
I never thought I'd miss you
863
01:26:29,800 --> 01:26:32,721
Half as much as I do
864
01:26:39,300 --> 01:26:45,861
And I never thought I'd feel this way The way I feel About you
865
01:26:51,900 --> 01:26:56,941
As soon as I wake up Every night, every day
866
01:26:58,260 --> 01:27:02,901
I know that it's you I need To take the blues away
867
01:27:04,460 --> 01:27:07,619
It must be love, love, love
868
01:27:09,220 --> 01:27:12,379
It must be love, love, love
869
01:27:13,400 --> 01:27:18,181
Nothing more, nothing less Love is the best
870
01:27:44,200 --> 01:27:49,301
As soon as I wake up Every night, every day
871
01:27:50,400 --> 01:27:55,081
I know that it's you I need To take the blues away
872
01:27:56,520 --> 01:27:59,831
It must be love, love, love
873
01:28:01,240 --> 01:28:04,551
It must be love, love, love
874
01:28:06,000 --> 01:28:09,232
It must be love, love, love
875
01:28:11,041 --> 01:28:14,256
It must be love, love, love
79700
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