All language subtitles for Rob Schneider Woke Up In America [2023] [1080p] eng

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Narrator: Ladies and
gentlemen, rob schneider.

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Yeah, tampa bay.

We'll be seeing you.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

It's so great to be here
in florida, I tell you.

Florida are the nicest people.

You guys are incredible.

You put up with so much.

You're so kind.

You have people every day just,
just running over your border,

Just flooding into florida.

Just every day, just
foreigners coming in.

I'm not talking about mexicans.

I'm talking about people
from california and new york.

These motherfuckers.

These guys, coming over
here with their vegan

Diets, and their yoga pants,
and their rock climbing shoes,

You know.

And then, and god, you know,
if you want to fuck them up,

Give them a piece of cheese.

And they go, oh, fuck, oh
I'm lactose intolerant.

Oh, fuck.

God knows, you really
want to fuck them,

Up give them a piece of toast.

You know, like, oh,
fuck, I can't eat gluten.

There's gluten in there.

They're a bunch of pussies.

And I know because
I'm one of them.

I actually-- I'm
from california.

Gluten intolerant.

I'm a vegan.

I'm from california.

Now I don't mean to complain
or anything because nobody--

You don't want to
hear my problems.

You don't want to
hear, probably.

It's like the thing is, it's
just boring to tell people

What's wrong with california.

It seems pretty obvious.

It's overcrowded.

You know, the
traffic's terrible.

You know, the
taxes are horrible.

You know, the government
interferes with every aspect

Of your life and your business.

You know, it's just
bores people to death.

So what I try to
do is tell people

Kind of a metaphor for
what's wrong with california.

California is like a beautiful
woman who used to blow you,

But she hasn't blown you
in a long fucking time.

You can't even remember
the last time she blew you.

You're like, did she
ever fucking blow me?

I don't even remember.

But she's still spending
all your fucking money.

And she won't let
anybody else blow you.

And now she has homeless
people living in her crotch.

My friends in california
have million homes, can't

Get out of their own driveway.

They're just brainwashed.

And then people are like,
people go to live somewhere.

At the end of your driveway?

That's not good
for them, either.

How far are you
going to take this?

Well, they're on the lawn,
but they're not in the house.

As long as they
stay on the lawn,

People got to live somewhere.

Well, they're in
the living room,

But they're not in the kitchen.

My wife and I spend most
of our time in the kitchen.

Well, they're fingering my wife,
but they're not fucking her.

You know, as long as people
get a finger somewhere,

They're going to finger.

People-- these are people,
too, if they need to finger, .

Finger people

So we moved out of calif--
we look different places,

You know.

You know, we went
to north carolina.

My wife's like, there's
not enough mexicans here.

And I said, you got to look
around, honey, you know.

Be open minded.

Check the kitchen.

Look around everywhere.

Be open minded.

Look around.

We couldn't stay in
california, you know.

The state of california make
my kids wear masks in school.

So we moved out to the slightly
freer state of arizona.

The week after we got there,
the schools in arizona

Made my kids wear masks.

My wife was-- you know, she
said to me-- she's mexican.

She said to me,
are you happy now?

You happy?

We're freer in the desert.

There's cactus in the
backyard and coyote.

Not the kind that brought
me to this country, either.

Real fucking coyotes that
eat your fucking pets.

You happy now?

The kids don't have
to wear masks outside,

But they can't go outside
anyway because it's

120 fucking degrees outside.

A week, the first
week we're in arizona,

First week in the house, my
wife got stung by a scorpion.

Luckily, she's mexican.

The scorpion was
throwing up for hours.

We had to take the
scorpion to the hospital

And get his stomach pumped.

This scorpion would not
come back to the house

Until we had the whole
place sprayed for mexicans.

I'm married in 13 years now.

And I think you know--

Don't clap too hard.

It's the third one.

But you know, it's
about communication.

That's the real key
to it, is communicate.

Your wife wants to know that
you're listening to her.

And we are most of the time.

We really are.

It's just sometimes you
leave out information,

And then you just move on.

And we're confused like
we're not listening to you,

But we just don't
know what happened.

I'll give you an example.

Just a few hours ago, a few
hours ago, my wife calls me.

And she said, robert did you
realize that the second most

Popular plastic surgery
procedure for women

Now is vaginoplasty?

I got to go.

Don't fucking go.

Don't leave me with your--

Don't leave me with that.

So the next hour and a
half, I'm on my phone.

I'm going like, vaginoplasty,
vaginoplasty, vaginoplasty.

And it's true.

Apparently, these
women's leggings and yoga

Pants are so popular
yet, you know,

Revealing that for some women--

How can I say this gently?

For some women, their vaginas
are a little on the beefy side.

You know, ladies, you've
been in the locker room.

That's more of an
outie than in innie.

Yes, tuck it in.

Tuck it all in.
Yeah, just grab.

Grab.

Just grab both, and just shove.

Yes, better.

Wow, too much.

You could squeeze that
all together for a dick.

I'm sorry.

That's how my grandma taught
me how to tie my shoes.

I swear, it's like just take the
one bunny ear over the other.

Double knot if you're
playing sports.

That's a big difference between
men and women, you know.

You never see a guy go, yeah,
I like the slacks, a lot,

But I'm starting to see
way too much cock and balls

Down there, yeah.

I know, I'll just cut
off some of my balls.

Hit a ball, sack o plasty.

There's not been one ball sack
o plasty performed in america.

I checked.

I checked just now.

It's an amazing time
to be alive right now.

I never thought I'd
see the day where

Women would be misogynistically
attacked in our culture.

It's unbelievable to me, you
know, even using the word

Woman now is controversial.

We have a supreme court
justice on the supreme court.

They asked her.

They said, can you tell us your
definition of what a woman is?

She was like, not falling
for that trick question.

You almost had me on that one.

Nah, nah, no.

Not a biologist.

What?

Excuse me.

Everybody knows what a woman is.

A woman is someone
who gets mad at you

For something you did
three fucking years ago.

Biological fact, a woman is
somebody who uses the tires

Of her car as curb feelers.

Boom, jesus.

You could've drove, you asshole.

Yeah, well, now no one can drive
because we have a tire that's

100 yards behind our car.

A woman is someone
who wakes you up

At 2:00 in the morning to
kill a spider in the bathroom.

You said you killed it.

You didn't kill it.

It's still in there.

I didn't say I killed it.

I didn't say anything.

I went in there, and you didn't
tell me how fucking big it was.

And I said, I'm not going to
deal with this shit right now.

I don't have any pants on.

I don't want to cut it in
half, and the other half

Lands on my balls and I got
to get a ball sack o plasty.

A woman is someone who
makes you check every door

And lock in the house after
she just checked every door

And locked in the house.

Did you check the garage?

For what?

To see if it's closed.

Well, I mean, when I--

I mean, I closed it
when I came home.

Did you check it since?

I didn't go anywhere since.

And you didn't go
anywhere since.

I just kind of did the math.

Go check the garage.

Yeah, I checked the garage.

It was closed.

And I checked the
front door, too,

Because I knew that was coming.

The chain was on, too.

I didn't put the chain on.

Did you put the chain on?

Who put the chain on?

The spider?

You said it was big.

Did you check the
sliding glass doors?

No, but I was about to.

First, I wanted to take off
my pants, and get into bed,

And find a comfortable
sleeping position,

And get my head on the
pillow in a perfect place

For like four or five hours.

And then after that,
I was going to get up

And put my pants back
on and then check

All the sliding glass doors.

I checked the
sliding glass doors,

And of course
they're all locked.

I get back into bed.

I hear something.

Honey, the only person
who wants to kill you

Is already in the house.

He knows all the codes.

He could change the
codes if he wants.

So here we are.

In the culture, suddenly the
word woman is controversial.

What?

How?

Controversial, how?

Because it discriminates.

Really?

Against who?

Well, against people
who identify as women,

But have dicks.

Like that guy.

He's-- these six
guys right here.

These guys, especially
the guy in the middle

With the huge dick.

Look at that fucking things.

It's not even hard.

Look at that fucking thing.

Well, he's a woman, too.

Sorry.

Sorry, ladies, your
feelings aren't

As important as these dudes.

Sorry.

So unbelievable we're at
this point where women--

In the history of the world--
if you look at the history

Of the world, this particular
culture, this particular time

In humanity has been the
freest time for women

In the history of the world.

This is not perfect.

It is not perfect.

But you know, it's
pretty darn good.

Seriously, it's pretty good.

I mean, women, not
exactly equality with men.

But they're knocking
on the door.

They're right there, knocking
on the door with men,

Knocking on the door.

I'm sorry this
looks like a dick,

But you know what I'm saying.

You get the point.

You know what I'm saying.

You know what I'm saying.

Hey, listen, by the way,
I'm for equal rights

For women of course,
equal pay for women.

I mean, I'm not going
to give it to you.

But if you get it,
you know, I'm not

Going to take it away from you.

That's my point.

You hang on.

You go, girl.

Some people refuse to
use the word woman now.

The governor whitmer of the
great state of michigan,

She refuses to use
the word woman.

And instead she prefers
the term chest feeders.

Now it could be worse.

Come on.

You know, chest feeders.

Kind of sexy, kind of gross.

Ow.

Front hole is another one.

Not very nice.

Not to be outdone, the
legacy newspaper the new

York times will no
longer use the word

Woman in their publication.

Instead, they prefer to use
the term people who menstruate.

And for some of
you older ladies,

People who used to menstruate.

We want to be inclusive.

It's a little bit longer,
ladies, but deal with it.

No, this is serious.

It's already in academia.

It's already all
over social media.

You know, it's in politics.

You know, if this thing
continues to spread,

The next time you go to a
nordstrom's, you're like,

Yeah, I'm trying to buy
some shoes for my wife.

Am I in the right place
in the shoe department

For the people who menstruate?

These shoes look a
little big, you know.

I feel like I'm in the shoe
department for the people

With outside pussies.

Ball, the sack,
the dick, you know.

Ok.

I know you guys laugh.

Ha, ha, ha.

It's not going to affect me.

We live in the greater
tampa bay area.

Let me tell you,
let me tell you,

Someday you're going to have
to fly out of that airport

In tampa bay to get
to another airport,

So you can get to where you
really want to fucking go.

I'm saying, let's be honest.

Here it is, though, man.

There's only like
three airlines left.

I don't count
southwest or spirit.

There's like three.

You know, delta, american.

Well, the biggest,
united airlines,

The ceo of united airlines,
last month, the ceo,

He announced of all the hiring
for all the new pilots that are

Coming up this year, all the
hiring for the new pilots,

The main focus is
going to be diversity.

What?

Diversity?

Not the best pilots
you can find?

The ones with the most
hours and experience?

The ones who've done it before?

Nope, diversity.

I don't know about you, but
I'm sick and tired of flying

All the time with these
white pilots, landing safely

And on time.

Boring.

I want diversity when I fly.

I want a guy up in the
cockpit with, sorry,

Pussy pit up there, you know.

Purple haired and an
outside pussy up there,

You know, next to some
puerto rican midget

With no sense of direction.

(speaks spanish) I want
diversity when I fly.

I want a pilot who says,
we're going down in three

Different fucking languages.

I want to--

And listen, I have a lot
of faith in generation z,

I do, for absolutely no reason.

I have a lot of faith
in them, I do, I do.

It's our fault,
what's happening,

It is, because we have to be
specific with these people.

When we were younger,
we could be vague.

These people, you
can't just tell them,

You could be anything
you want because they'll

Take it too far.

They'll take it way too far.

You can't just say, you
can be anything you want.

I don't want to be a horsey.

I want to be a wizard.

It's just a fucking movie.

Stop it.

I want to be a girl.

I want to be a girl.

Don't cut your dick off.

Don't cut it off.

Seriously, don't.

No, no, no, no,
just hang in there.

In a couple of years, you're
going to find a really

Fun place to stick that thing.

Seriously, it's hanging.

Don't do that.

For 25 years, I rang yeah.

Thank you, adam sandler.

I love you too.

But we fucked up at
these-- thank you.

I'm a traditional
liberal, which makes

Me a right wing fascist now.

It does, automatically.

You know, if you're for
things like free speech,

Or women's rights,
or equal rights,

Don't judge a person by
the color of their skin.

Now they want you
to judge somebody

By the color of their skin.

If you're white, you're
automatically racist, you know.

It's like, what?

Yeah, you're white.

You're racist.

Really?

I don't feel racist.

Well, because you're-- that's
how fucking racist you are.

Here's a racist.

Check out this asshole not
realizing how racist he is.

I'm half white and half
asian , trying to figure

Out which part of
me is discriminating

Against the other part.

My dick is asian,
I'm positive, 100%.

Well, my balls
look kind of white.

They look kind of
white, you know.

And I think my balls have been
discriminating against my dick,

I do, they do.

You're making us look
bad up there, raul.

I don't know the filipino.

You can cut that part.

Listen.

Hey, look.

It's just, it's going
to take compassion.

It's going to take
compassion, you know.

I mean, it's not
easy being a liberal.

It's not.

It's sad.

You see them alone in their
cars with their masks on.

I don't want to give
covid to myself.

Hey , you in the other
car, my mask only

Works when you're wearing one.

I've got nothing against
masks, seriously.

I mean, for some people, it
was the best thing that ever

Happened for two fucking years.

Seriously, seriously.

You know who I'm talking about.

People with really sexy
eyes but a fucked up grille.

They're like, what?

I'll put the mask back
on, so you can fuck me.

Yeah, no problem.

No, going on right now.

Yeah.

I'll look back at you,
but I'll keep the mask on.

Good one.

I knew this country was in
trouble when I went to a bank,

And the guard at the bank
was like, excuse me, sir.

You're in a bank.

You have to wear a mask.

Well, you guys did a whole
180 on that motherfucker,

Didn't you?

The last 100 years, you
wore a mask in the bank,

You were the bad guy.

All right, here you go.

Give me all your fucking money.

Let's go.

Let's fucking-- this was
going to be a deposit.

Now it's a robbery.

I got winded just
doing that, and I'm

So fucking out of shape.

But I was in los
angeles last summer,

And they still had the mask
thing in stores, you know.

And so I walked in.

And usually, I wore my mask this
way because most of my germs

Come out of my chin.

Just sort of.

So I walked into a store,
and there was somebody

Working, which is great.

You know, anybody working
anywhere, you know.

And you just happy, like,
oh, fuck, it's open.

Shit, all right.

So anyway, I walked in.

And you know, she's
just doing her job.

You can't get mad.

But she came up to me
and said, excuse me, sir.

I need to put your mask on.

Sir, I need to put your--
sir, need to put your mask on.

It's a little aggressive.

But you know, she's just
doing her job, you know.

But then she added
these two words.

Sir, I need to put your mask
on for me, for me, for me.

And I was like, oh, for you?

Ok, show me your tits.

For me, for me, for me.

We're all in this together.

I'll put the mask on.

You let me see those floppy
things under your sweater.

We're all in it.

We're all.

Everybody wins, everybody.

The fuck?

We're all in this together.

We're not all in this together.

I'm sorry.

I want you to do good.

We're not all in this together.

I'm sorry.

Like, when I moved last
year, none of you fuckers

Showed up to help me with
the couch or anything.

You didn't.

Why?

Because we're not
all in this together.

Your problems are your problems.

My problems are fucking
my problems, you know?

I'm sorry, it's not my
job, you're prediabetic,

For me to run around the fucking
grocery store knocking donuts

Out of your fucking mouth.

You're on your own.

I got you, pal.

I don't know what that means.

I don't know what it means.

Traditional liberalism.

You know, women's
rights, gay rights.

Gay rights.

Well, first of all, gay
rights were the civil rights

Of the '70s, '80s, and '90s.

They just were.

You know, and this is
the freest country.

These are our neighbors,
our brothers and sisters.

These are people that deserve
to be free in the freest country

In the world.

I mean, there was
actually an anti--

Yes.

There were anti-sodomy
laws in 37 states.

Get that out of your mouth.

In america, you know?

Lesbians weren't allowed to
adopt in some states, you know.

And you know, people
were being discriminated

Against by the basis of
their sexual orientation,

Which was wrong.

Luckily, they fought
for these things.

And they got the big one.

They got the big
one, gay marriage.

Yeah.

I was always for gay marriage.

You know, I mean,
if they want to be

Just as miserable as me, it
was like, go for it, you know.

Jump in.

But I just think what happened
was the gays won, thankfully.

And they went to go live their
lives in the freest country

In the history of the world.

But they left the door
open a little bit,

And the crazy gay people snuck
in with all the pronouns.

And by the way, my
pronouns are he and ha,

Just so everybody can start.

You know, and, hey, listen.

I'm from-- gay pride, yeah?

Gay pride day, I'm all for it.

I will say gay pride
month seems a little

Pushy, to be honest with you.

It's a month, you know.

Four weeks in a row, you know.

A month.

We only get 12.

Well, basically, 11 because it's
gay pride month again after 11.

We get veterans day, a day.

You know, veterans, you
fought for the country.

It's over.

Turn off the barbecue.

Done, sorry.

No, no, no.

Veterans day, it's again now.

Memorial-- memorial weekend.

Memorial weekend,
yep, that's it.

It's done.

Sorry, it's Monday's over.

Got to put the boat
back on the truck.

Let's go.
Get the fuck out of here.

Get out of the lake.
It's over.

Memorial weekend, over.

We got president's day.

Abraham lincoln
freed the slaves.

He kept the union together.

Gets a day, not
even his own day.

He has to share it
with george washington.

He doesn't get a day, either.

And he founded the
whole fucking country

But washington has to
share it with lincoln.

What if they want to
suck each other's dicks,

They would have got a
whole fucking month.

That's all I'm saying.

No, no, come on.

It's not possible because
lincoln was so tall.

You know, conservatives,
you're freer.

But you have to be careful.

You can't just say whatever
you think on facebook.

You get fired for that shit.

If you have something crazy to
say like men can't have babies,

Say it in person.

You know what I'm saying?

So there's some
plausible deniability.

Otherwise, like, I never
said men can't have babies.

I like my tech job, I do.

I do.

And I said they can
have a lot of babies

Is what I actually said.

Men can't have babies.

I don't care.

I don't care what--

I don't care.

I don't care what they say.

I feel something.

It's a turd.

Ok, you can't.

You can't, you can't.

Take some metamucil.

This problem is going
to work its way out.

You're freer.

But if you're a liberal,
you're scared all the time

Because you never know
where they're going

To go after you, because
you have to buy into all

The ideology or you're out.

You know, 2 plus 2 equals 4.

Maybe.

What?

Maybe, what?

That could be racist.

What?

What did the two say?

Did the two say--

You know who's under attack now?

The l's.

Lesbians are under attack.

Yeah, no, look it up later.

No, if you're a lesbian
and you refuse to date

Or have relations with someone
who identifies as a lesbian

But has a dick,
you are ridiculed

Online as a genital
bigot, a genital racist.

It's like, what?

Leave the lesbians alone.

Lesbians, lesbians got out
of the whole male genitalia

Business a long
fucking time ago.

They didn't want
different genitalia.

They wanted the same.

They want to be left alone with
other lesbians to do the whole,

You know.

Scissor fucking and eating
pussy, I'll just say it.

And I get it.

Hey, look.

I get it.

I want to do the same thing.

I don't know about the
scissor fucking part,

But I'll try anything.

I'll get it.

All right, let me know
when you're done, honey.

No, you get yours.

Just get yours, honey.

You get yours.

No, my ass fell asleep
about four hours ago.

You get yours.

I love you, honey.

Can you imagine
lesbians having to deal

With this kind of harassment?

Can you imagine?

Like, come on.

You're a lesbian.

I identify as a lesbian.

Let's just do what lesbians do.

Come on.

Suck my dick.

Yes, please let me fuck you.

Please let me fuck you
like a good lesbian.

Please, please, come back,
come back, come back.

You should take a drink
before this next fucking joke,

Serious.

This is a tough one.

Here we go.

98% of all straight
men refuse to perform

Oral sex on a feminine penis.

I'm sorry, but that 2% still
seems way too fucking high.

Way too fucking high.

It's me.

I know what that is.

That's a dick.

Yeah, I got one.

Yeah, I got one.

I'm sorry.

I'm straight over here.

What?

That's a feminine penis?

Why didn't you say
so four hours ago?

Give me that fucking thing.

Ah, ah.

Are these feminine
balls underneath there.

I'll go to town on
those bad boys--

I mean bad girls.

Ah, ah.

First of all, this is all
bullshit with the liberals

And conservatives.

That's just the device
they use to divide us.

And so that's what
that's all it is.

Seriously.

When there was a flood a couple
of summers ago in houston,

Texas, and when they took
the boats to go rescue people

That were up on top
of their homes, here's

What they didn't say.

Are you a democrat or
republican up there?

Democrat?

Well, that fucking
boat's coming.

Good luck with that one.

It's a kayak.

It's better for the environment.

They said, get in the boat.

So because we're all americans.

We help each other
when we're down.

Now I say that--

I said, I voted
for trump in 2016.

For some people, that's an
issue for some people, you know.

I mean, first of
all, you know, I

Was in-- it was in california.

And you know, I had--

I was right in the kitchen.

Just right on my
kitchen counter,

I had the ballot because
in california they mail

You like a hundred of them.

You get them there, you know.

I was filling them.

Not all of them.

I'm not an asshole.

But I was filling out, you
know, three or four or five

At the most, that's all.

Trump, trump,
trump, trump, trump.

Because here's the thing.

I know the guy, you know.

I don't know him well, but I'm
the only person you're ever

Going to be in the
same room with who

Made a movie with donald trump.

You know, home alone 2.

We had to put him in it.

It was his hotel.

He's a big dude.

He was just walking around in
front of the camera like eh.

We're like, maybe if we put
him in it, he'll go away.

And we did.

And he did.

But anyway, I didn't think
much about that after.

So anyway, a few years
after that thing,

I appeared with
him on-- remember

When trump decided I'm
going to run for president

And going to run.

And then he was
going to do that.

And then he didn't, you
know, for a bunch of times.

This is one of the
times he didn't.

So I was on the tonight
show and with trump.

He was the first
guest with jay leno.

And I'm backstage with jay.

And he said, look,
you got any jokes

About donald trump or anything?

I said no.

Nothing I want to say.

No, you just say it.

He said just say it,
you know, say it.

You should just say the joke.

You know, it's a joke.

You know, he's got
to know it's a joke.

He's going to know it's a joke.

You know, we had
some fun with him.

Have some fun.
You know, it's a joke.

Anyway, so we're
doing the segment.

And then jay leno sees
there's some extra time.

And he says, what was that story
you were saying about trump?

What were you saying?

What was that about?

You fucker, you.

Fucked man.

So then I had to
say it, you know.

I was like, well, you know,
the difference between me

And donald trump is
when I got started,

My daddy didn't
give me $40 million.

I swear to god, trump
looked right at me

Like, that's not true.

That's a lie.

You're a liar, liar, liar.

Liar.

It's not true, it's not true.

He's just lying.

I was like, whatever.

Just a few years after that--

I don't know, five, seven.

I don't know, 10 years after
it, I went through a divorce.

And I was really depressed.

And I wasn't leaving
my house or anything.

My publicist was
worried about me.

She said, listen.

Just get out of your house.

Just go to this, just
go to this event.

They'll have your name.

You'll have fun.

Just, just go.

Just, you need to get out.

And I went to this place.

And there's all these
people, and cars,

And shit, and cameras.

And I went up to the place and
said, yeah, I'm rob schneider.

And she said, oh, yeah, yeah.

Here you go.

And she handed me this thing.

And it said rob
schneider, judge.

I said, what?

What is this?

It's the miss usa pageant.

And I'm a judge.

And you know who owns it?

Donald trump owns the
whole fucking thing.

You know how like rich guys,
with the rich, you know,

They get like two homes.

You know, and a
boat or something.

You know, if you're really,
really, really rich,

You get like a sports team.

Or for donald trump,
it's like he really

Wants to be like with ditz--

Whatever, you know.

So I get in my little thing.

And then they whisk
me in the back room.

You know, the back room.

And donald trump comes in.

And he says, hey, listen.

Vote for whoever you want.

I'm not going to tell
you who to vote for.

Vote for who you want.

I don't care.

I'm not going to tell you.

You vote for who you want.

But, but if you love your
country like I love my country,

If you love it, if, if
you love your country,

If you're a patriot, then you're
going to vote for the blond

From texas with big tits.

Ok?

Ok.

Then america can
win miss universe.

You want america to win, right?

Vote who you want.

So I was like, fuck, I'll
vote for whatever you want.

I didn't even know I was
going to be here an hour ago,

You know?

It's like, I'd vote--
where do I fill it out?

Can I go now, you know?

And then we had to meet the
contestants who came in.

It's like, all right, we know
who we're supposed to vote for.

And then this other
contestant came in,

And she was the opposite
of a blonde with big tits.

She's the opposite of a
blonde, the other spectrum,

Like over here, that.

You know what I'm saying?

So anyway, not-- so--

And she came in
and said, listen,

I didn't even want to do this.

And I go, yeah?

Yeah, I just like-- you know,
my friends told me I'm pretty.

I should do it.

Who knows?

I might get lucky.

I got one year more of medical
school, and if I win this,

It's 100,000 bucks to
pay for medical school

To become a doctor.

And we're like, well, you know,
let's give it to her, you know?

I mean, it's like-- it
doesn't make us better people.

I mean, you guys would have
done the exact same thing.

You would've done
the exact same thing.

You know, the blonde
with the big tits

Is-- she's going to find,
you know, a trump-- well,

She really did find trump.

She found the guy.

He obviously-- he found her.

You know, but this
girl, who can actually

Help people in her life,
to become a doctor.

So we voted, and she
won miss usa, you know?

And so they took us back after,
and donald trump was not happy

With the results of the vote.

You don't love your country.

You don't.

You don't.

You're a loser,
loser, loser, loser.

Now we're going to lose.

We're going to lose to china.

We're going to lose to china.

China.

Loser.

Thank you.

You don't love your country.

You don't.
I do.

You don't.

China.

We're going to lose to china.

So I was walking out of there,
you know, and I felt bad,

You know?

I felt bad.

And I went up to him, and
I said, listen, donald, I--

I'm sorry that you didn't
get the girl that you wanted.

I know it seemed like it meant
a lot to you, and I'm sorry.

But also, I'm sorry for that
joke I said about you on leno.

And he looked at me.

He said, what joke?

It's not important.

You know, you--

No, I like jokes.

What was the joke?

Tell me the joke.

Well, you didn't like
it the first time.

You didn't, so.

Tell me.

It was just the
differences, you know?

From what?

Between you and me.

Which is what?

[giggles]

My daddy didn't give me
$40 million to get started.

You look, there was--

I swear to god, he
looked right at me.

He said, I hate you now.

I do.

I hate you.

I hate you, loser, loser.

China.

I hate you, loser.

And I was like, whatever.

It's not like you're ever going
to be president of the united

States or whatever.

If joe biden was a dog,
you'd put him down.

You would have to.

You know?

You know those dogs that
are so old and fucked up,

They just look like,
please, kill me, please.

Please, kill me.

No, look at this eye snot.

Please, kill me.

Look, I just shit in my
own food bowl an hour ago.

What more information
do you need?

Please, kill me.

Kill me.

We're all in this together.

Hey, listen, by the
way, just so you know,

I would fuck a democrat.

I would.

I would.

I would.

I just wouldn't talk
about politics before.

You know what I mean?

You know?

And so, right when I was
coming, I voted for trump.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Sorry, it's a joke.

So cut to 2016,
back in the kitchen,

You know, where I'm voting.

And my wife comes in.

You vote for donald trump?

17 times you vote for him?

Do you know your
wife is a mexicana?

Your daughters are mexicanas.

Your family is from mexico.

You vote for him, then
you're racist too.

I'll never look at you
the same way again ever.

I swear to god, four years
later, my wife's like,

Fuck, I can't believe it,
but I'm voting for trump.

Holy shit, let me tell you.

I don't know.

I am not a person
who menstruates.

I'm a woman.

I'm a [spanish].

I think we're all still
recovering from post traumatic

Scam-demic syndrome, you know?

By the way, the chinese
are trying to kill us.

They are.

Forget about covid.

Forget about that.

They've been trying to
kill us since the '70s.

Remember kung pao chicken,
how spicy that shit was?

Remember?

Yeah, trying to kill us.

Yeah, it was scary because
we didn't know what

Was happening at the beginning.

You know, it was like, it's
just killing old people.

We're good.

We're good.

And then you look at your phone.

No, it's just killing people
who are really, really out

Of shape.

Wait, I'm really,
really out of shape.

Wait a minute.

This guy's parachute didn't
open, and he died of covid.

Maybe that's how you get it.

You know, you're falling.

You're breathing
all that shit in.

You see, when you're
in a place of fear,

You know, your
common sense takes

A back seat because your most
primal instinct is survival.

Your common sense
takes a backseat.

That's how they were able
to get away with this one.

We're very lucky.

We have a selective virus.

Very lucky.

Selective.

You want to go to the gym, dead.

Haircut, dead.

Nails done, dead.

Church, dead.

You want to go to
target or walmart?

Come on in.
You're good.

Let's go.

Come on.

Come on.

The virus knows
you need some shit.

Standing up at a
restaurant dead.

Sit down at a restaurant,
the virus will go

Right over your fucking head.

Right over your head.

You feel that, honey?

That was the virus
going over the head.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're sitting down.

You respect us.

I thought the most
interesting thing

That happened
during the pandemic

Was right in the
middle when we weren't

Sure what was happening.

You know, this is a
real virus, you know,

Or this is the biggest transfer
of wealth in human history.

We weren't fucking sure
what was going to happen.

Weren't sure.

Right in the middle.

Right in the middle.

And you weren't sure.

You know, our own government,
the pentagon, the armed forces

Branch of our own government,
decided to release

Actual footage of an
unidentified flying object,

Admitting for the
first time something

Else they've been lying
about for 60 years,

That ufos are real,
that aliens exist.

Three minutes and 17 seconds,
this f-16 fighter pilot off

The coast of florida,
because all the weird shit

Always happens in florida--

And the f-16 videotape
this alien craft.

He seemed to be doing
unbelievable gravity defying

Moves beyond our
human comprehension,

And technology seemed
like the craft was

Making the space
move out of the way

So the space could move into it.

Then after three
minutes and 17 seconds,

It took off at 20,000 miles
an hour into the solar system,

Never to be seen again.

And they released
this to all of us,

This footage saying,
yes, ufos are real.

Aliens exist.

They released it to all of
us, and nobody gave a shit.

Nobody cared.

People are like,
aliens are real?

Do they have any toilet paper?

Because I need toilet paper.

But anyway, my wife, though, the
best thing that ever happened

To me, patricia, she said--

She said to me, listen.

It's the pandemia.

You're not making any movies
with adam sandler right now.

You have time on your hands.

You're not playing a hawaiian
guy in any movie right now.

This one my good eye.

Hey, kikkikukalaw, get your
butt out of the dishwasher.

Shark only bite you when you try
to touch their private parts.

Aquariums make me super horny.

I'm sorry.

You're not doing
that movie right now.

You're not playing a gigolo
in a movie right now either.

That's a huge bitch,
which was-- it's true.

This is a true story.

I was at the airport, and a
professional female basketball

Player came up to me.

She said, mr. Schneider.

Hello.

Yeah?

I just want you to know,
ever since that movie, "deuce

Bigelow," came out,
I've never been

Able to walk through the airport
without somebody yelling out

"that's a huge bitch" to me.

I didn't know that joke
would leave the movie.

I didn't think, you know--

I thought it would
stay in the movie.

I didn't know, but I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I couldn't help it, but she
was getting on the plane

Like, freak, behemoth,
keep it in the circuit.

I did not do that.

I didn't have to.

Other people did it for me.

They did, because they saw
the movie, I guess, too.

Do you have time on
your hands right now?

You're not playing any
girls in any movies either.

Hey, bro, it's me, jessica.

I'm in here.

I remember when you
moved here from arkansas.

Everybody threw rocks at you
because you talked funny.

Your front teeth were brown.

I'm your only friend.

Billy, I should have made love
to you when I had the chance.

Father mulcahy?

Well, my favorite
line in the movie

Is you think you're
so cool because you

Could pee with your penis.

Can I get a sex on the beach
with extra sugar on the rim?

Yum.

Sorry, that was too long.

I could do the whole
movie, but I shouldn't.

My wife said, you have--
you have time right now.

You need to get a vasectomy.

Vasectomy, b-a-s-e-t-o-m-y,
"bah-sec-tuh-me,"

Snippy snippy time.

[spanish]

The baby factory, closed.

No [spanish].

No more girls.

Snippy snippy time.

And so I'll be honest with you.

You know, I-- yeah, I did it.

And I just-- you
know, first of all,

It's a much simpler
operation for us guys

To get a vasectomy
than it is for women

To get their tubes tied.

I mean, even though technically
it's her fucking job.

I know you're like,
huh, what the fuck?

Anyway, so-- so--
and by the way,

It's a very intimate
procedure, the vasectomy.

You know, holy fuck.

Not distracting at all.

Don't worry about it.

No.

Audience is totally like, it's
going to kill him, I think.

Maybe it'll fucking hit him,
and then we'll get on the news.

Anyway, it's a very
unsubtle camera move.

It's all I'm saying.

Anyway, so I did it.

And by the way, there's very
few, you know, complications,

But I will go into them now.

It's a very sensitive, a
very intimate procedure.

You know, a vasectomy requires
another man to have his hands

On your balls for an hour.

That's a long time to make
eye contact, you know?

One of the weird things about
being famous, or whatever I am,

You know, you meet
people I probably

Wouldn't if I wasn't, you know?

And so I had a friend of mine.

I met the friend at
some charity function.

He's the chief of surgery.

You know, like we
stayed friends,

And then he moved
out to milwaukee.

And so I said, honey, if
I have to have another man

With his hands on my
balls for an hour,

Can it at least be someone
I've had dinner with?

There's your wine.

Robbie, you good with the wine?

Oh, yeah.

So my wife was happy to get rid
of me for the whole procedure.

And she had me fly
out to milwaukee

Because that's where
dr. Salameh is.

And he's such a nice guy.

He picked me up at the airport.

The chief of surgery picking
you up at the airport, you know?

And then he drove me right
to the surgical room, not

Operating room,
just surgical room,

Literally just a room with
a chair that goes, nyeah.

And then he said, so did
you read some of the stuff

I sent you?

And I said, no.

No, I didn't.

I didn't want to get freaked
out by anything, you know?

I figured, if it was
important, you'd tell me.

You will tell me, right?

You would tell me.

And he said, ok, first
thing we're going to do

Is I'm going to put some
numbing cream on your scrotum.

And then I'm going to give you
a shot between your testicles

Now.

You will feel that.

But then after that, it's
just going to be slightly

Uncomfortable, you know,
like somebody digging

Around in your scrotum
looking for stuff.

Probably never had
anybody do that before.

You know, you're
like, how would I?

How would that
come up, you know?

And I was like, ow, ow, ow.

What was that?

He said, that's just
the numbing cream.

Well, you must have a
callus on your finger

Then, because that hurt
like a motherfucker.

And then he gave me a
shot between my balls.

Let me tell you something.

When you get a shot
between your balls,

You will put down your
fucking phone at that.

Yeah, you will.

Oh!

Wow.

You have my complete attention.

Wow.

What else can I do for you?

Then he was right.

After that, I was just slightly
uncomfortable, you know,

Like somebody digging around in
my scrotum looking for stuff,

You know?

And then I smelled smoke.

I smell smoke.

What is that?

Well, that's you.

Oh.

I'm on fire right now?

What part of me is
burning, exactly?

What-- and he
said, well, we just

Severed the vas deferens veins,
and then we soldered them off,

You know?

That's the smoke you
smell, your flesh burning.

That was going to be my
second guess, I swear to god.

Was that necessary?

The fire thing?

Well, that's what
a vasectomy is.

I mean, if you would have
read the stuff I sent you.

Basically, what I'm
trying to do is prevent

Your little swimmers
from getting to where

They want to go, you know?

He dumbed it down
right away for me.

And I was still high from
all the medication, you know?

Plus I got a little
bit extra because I'm

Rob fucking schneider.

Like, come on, man.

I'm your friend.

Who's your friend?

I thought I was your friend.

You know me.

I need more.

Give it to me.

My friend.

So anyway, so I said
to him, so do I--

Do I still make the
little swimmers?

And he said, hey, I'm not
taking out your testicles.

I'm just preventing your
swimmers from getting

To where they want to go.

I said, well, if I still
make them, where do they go?

And he said, the body
reabsorbs most of them.

I said, yeah?

What about the smart ones?

You know, the ones that
are like, oh, fuck,

It's all burned out right here.

There's got to be
another way out of here.

Come on, guys, let's try
to sneak out the asshole.

Let's go.
You, go.

You, go.

My turn.

What about those
guys, the smart ones?

He said, I wouldn't
worry about it.

It's like, dude, I'm never
going to not worry about it.

I'm worried right now.

I need to know
where every swimmer

Is at all times in my body.

I can't have them swimming
around, and I have no--

I can't-- I can't
have them swim.

I can't.

I can't be like--

One day I'm watching
an italian movie.

I start to tear up a little bit.

The next thing I got, like,
jizz coming on my eyeballs.

I need to know where they all
are at all times starting now.

Then he said, ok, now,
robbie, we're going to close

Up your incision right now.

And what I'm going to do is
I'm going to use surgical glue.

This way, it'll lessen
the likelihood of you

Having any unattractive scars.

And I said, you know, I'm
not worried about that.

I mean, I don't think there's
a chance that, you know,

One day I'd be at some event
where I'd be like hey, hey--

I'm at the oscars.

Hey, will smith just slapped
the shit out of chris rock.

Yeah, that's fucked up, but
look at rob schneider's balls.

Look at that.

Lift your asian dick.

Look at that.

Scar right there.

I guess anything's possible.

I guess I could be at the one
korean spas in downtown tampa

Bay, you know?

I drop my towel.

I go to pick it up, you know?

My dick goes to the right.

Some old korean guy
looks at me and goes

Like, oh, that's fucked up.

You got a scar on
your ball sack.

I'm going to throw up now.

Oh, oh.

You should have taken
the glue, bitch?

Why didn't you take the glue?

No [non-english] for
you, motherfucker.

That's korean for
please or thank you.

I don't remember.

So anyway, then the--

Dr. Baz said, ok, look.

On top of the surgical
glue, I'm going

To put a thick layer of gauze.

That way, for the flight home,
it'll feel like your dick

Is in a bird's nest.

Thank you.

I didn't know I was going to
get a bird's nest out of this.

Thank you.

So I flew home, you know?

I took every pain pill I had
left for the flight home,

You know?

And it was a good thing,
because there was turbulence.

Sorry.

I knew not to expect any
sympathy from my wife

Because women don't have
sympathy for their husbands

When we get injured.

That's right.

You know-- you know, ladies,
whenever you get hurt,

Who's right there?

We are.

We are.

Yeah, we're right there.

Oh, honey, can I
rub it and fuck you?

Can I rub fuck-- can I
rub you and then fuck?

Ooh, you want some ice, honey?

Can I get you some ice?

Can I fuck?

Can I fuck with the--

With the ice?
Without the ice?

It doesn't have to
be with the ice.

I'm just like, I'm
already rubbing you.

I should be fucking you.
I mean, we're already here.

We're halfway there.

I'm just here for you.

I love you.

Because we're gentlemen.

That's right.

Ladies, we have to pee in
the middle of the night.

Do we wake you up?

Never.

No.

We don't even turn on the light.

We just get out of
bed, try not to make

Too much motion on the bed.

You know, we get out, and then
we make our way out of the room

In the pitch darkness
just by rubbing our leg

Against the side of the bed, you
know, until we get to the wall.

We find our way
to the next wall.

And you feel around till you
get to the bathroom doorknob,

You know?

Then you open it up.

You don't turn the light on
until you close the door.

Why?

Because you're a gentleman.

You do your business.

You turn the light off.

You come out, and you're
half fucking blind.

You try to navigate your
way back to the bed,

And nine of your toes
successfully make it.

But the baby toe finds one
of the legs of the bed.

Oh, cunt fucker.

Oh, cunt fucker.

Oh, motherfucker.

Your wife turns a light on.

[cackles]

Your toe is pointing
the other way.

The nail is completely off.

Let me see that thing.

Save that.

You should save that.

This is a special night for you.

As soon as my wife saw me,
she said, let me see it.

I was like, excuse me?

Let me see it,
your big operation.

I said, now?

[spanish]

Now.

At the airport?

That's it?

That small little scar?

That's what you've
been complaining

About for three days?

Oh, they're going
to cut my balls.

Oh!

You're such a pussy.

You're such a pussy.

You are.

I had two human beings
come out of my vagina,

Screaming, with
their eyes wide open.

Men couldn't have babies.

You could-- you couldn't.

You couldn't.

If men had to have babies,
there would be abortion clinics

At every 7-eleven, every
target, every walmart,

Every nordstrom's rack,
every gas station.

What's that thing
under your dick?

It's a bird's nest.

I'm surprised you
never heard about it.

It comes with it.

How does it come off?

I didn't read any of his stuff.

I didn't want to get
freaked out by it.

Hey, doc.

Yeah, it's rob.

Yeah, I got a question for you.

You know, the bird's nest is
glued on there really good.

Good job with that.

Solid.

100%.

Just curious, how does one
take that off, exactly?

What?

Just use a little, um, q-tip
and a little fingernail polish

Remover.

It'll come right off.

All right.

What did doctor say?

He said use fingernail
polish remover.

Don't use that!

Yeah, but that's
what the doctor--

I don't care what he said.

That's toxic.

I don't want anything
toxic on your balls.

Those things slap up against me.

Not that fast, but you know.

Sorry.

Well, what do I use?

Use tea tree oil.

What's tea tree oil?

It's just as good as-- just
as good as fingernail polish

Remover, but it's non-toxic.

Use it.

I'm going to watch you.

So she follows me, you know?

She follows me into the
shower, you know, like, naked.

She hands me the tea tree oil.

I pour the whole fucking
thing on, you know?

The bird's nest comes right off.

And then I see some
other problems happening.

Hey, doc, patrice said
she didn't want me to use

The fingernail polish remover.

Yeah, but that's
what you should use.

Yeah, but she didn't-- she
didn't want me to use it.

Yeah, but I'm the doctor.

Yeah, but you don't live
with this crazy bitch.

You've never seen her.

She's like-- she wears me--

She just wears me down.

I do whatever she says.

It's just-- ok, just
don't use tea tree oil.

Why, what's wrong
with the tea tree oil?

Well, that'll melt
the surgical glue,

And your balls will
fall down to the floor.

Is that what those two white
things are in there, those?

Did you use tea tree oil?

Yes.

At least you don't
have to worry anymore

How those other little
swimmers are going to get out.

That's a true story.

All right, you guys
have been fantastic.

I'm sorry this has been
so long, but I just want

To do everything that I can do.

I will tell you--

I will say thank you.

Thank you.

I will say--

I will say that, like,
I've been very blessed,

And at the same time, you know,
things happen in your career.

I mean, first of
all, I had no idea

That one day I
would be blackballed

By the pharmaceutical industries
and tried to be canceled.

And let me just tell
you, they can't do

It because I have you people.

So thank you very much.

I love you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

And last, I'll leave you
with this true story.

I was able to make a movie
last year called "daddy

Daughter trip," and
I hadn't starred

In a movie in a lot of years.

And it's a lot of fun.

And you know, well, it's fun
to make a movie because you get

To write it with your friends.

Like, I got to write
it with my wife,

Patricia, and
jamie lissow, who's

On gutfeld a lot of times.

Yeah, yeah.

First time I ever got a
response on that one with jamie.

He never got a response before.

Just kidding, jamie.

Anyway, he's going
to watch this.

So anyway, we got to
film it, which is fun,

And edit it, which
is-- you really

Make the movie in editing,
and I missed that, you know?

And then you get to put music
in it-- music, which is so fun,

You know?

I got to write the theme
with my buddy, john hunter.

You know, and then
they asked-- we have

A little bit of money--
was there any songs

You want to maybe buy?

And I said, what about
a paul mccartney song?

And they said, ok,
but then there'll

Be no more money for the
rest of the movie, you know?

He's the most expensive
guy in the world.

Paul mccartney, $600,000
for one song, you know?

So that's like a tenth-- the
whole budget of the movie.

So anyway, you know, after
we bought the song, we like--

I heard he was
going to be touring.

And I went like, you
know, for $600,000,

I should get some fucking
free tickets to that show.

You know, I was like--

I don't-- I didn't want to be--

I didn't want to be an asshole.

I don't want to be an asshole.

So I texted his manager.

I'm like, hey, listen, it's
rob schneider, $600,000.

Hey, it's rob schneider.

Look, I heard paul
mccartney is going

To be performing in texas.

I just happened to buy tickets.

I'm going to be there.

Anyway, is it possible I could
get to say hi to mr. Mccartney?

And he said, we'll text
you the night of the show,

See what we could do.

I was like, oh, amazing.

We'll see what happens.

Who knows, you know?

Then after that,
I flew to mexico

To direct a movie that my
wife wrote, "amor es amor,"

For paramount plus.

And it could be good.

I don't know.

I don't speak spanish, but
it seems like they were

Looking at each other a lot.

So that's-- when I
was down in mexico,

I got covid, you know,
because everybody

Surrounding me was vaccinated.

You know, that's--
that's how you get it.

So then I recovered from that.

I recovered from that, and
then I flew back to the states

To arizona.

And then it was time to
go see paul mccartney.

So I took my daughter,
miranda, who's the daughter

In "daddy daughter trip."

And she's nine, and
I thought, you know,

When I was nine, what a
big deal the beatles were.

Who knows how long he's
going to be doing this?

Let's just go see paul
mccartney in concert.

And so on the plane on the
way to see paul mccartney,

My daughter comes
down with covid.

Like, my daughter's like,
I don't feel good, dad.

I think I got when you had.

And I was like, you're fine.

You're probably fine.

You're fine.

You're good.

You're good.

Probably-- I think you're good.

I didn't know.

We didn't have a test.

But I knew she had it, you know?

Anyway, I said, don't worry.

We're just going to go
straight to the concert.

We're not even gonna--
we're just gonna go--

This way, you'll hear music.

You feel better.

I feel better when I'm
sick and I hear music.

Oh, music, I feel
better, you know?

So we went to the
concert, and I'm thinking,

He's not gonna call me.

He's paul mccartney.

They're going to
forget, whatever.

You know, you know.

And my daughter's like,
I don't feel good.

I want to go to the hotel.

Well, just one more song.

You said that seven songs ago.

Yeah, but these
are beatles songs.

They're like a minute and
a half, two minutes tops.

It's not like led
zeppelin or whatever.

And then I got this
buzz on my phone.

Sp will meet you 20 minutes
after the performance.

Start making your way backstage
during the "live and let die"

Fireworks.

Sp?

Sir paul.

Meet me.

I can't be the guy who
kills paul mccartney.

I can't.

I can't.

I can't.

I get enough bad press as it is.

I can't.

I can't.

I can't.

You know, but $600,000.

Whatever.

Anyway, and then all of a
sudden, the fireworks go off.

And he starts singing.

You know, starts singing
"live and let die."

And I was like, come on, honey.

We got to do the right thing.

Come on.

Let's go backstage.

Like, this is so wrong.

I know.

I know.

This is-- but, like, he's
not going to come out.

He's paul mccartney.

I'm sure they just
have people come.

He's like-- you know?

And then I start looking
around, going, well, you know,

The ceilings are pretty high.

Seems to be good
airflow, you know?

I mean, like, that works in our
favor pretty good, you know?

And then he comes in the room
by himself, paul mccartney.

And he's really tall, which
also works in our favor.

And he comes right up to me
and said, I liked the movie.

Paul mccartney, you saw my
movie, "daddy daughter trip."

He's like, I didn't see
the whole movie, just the

Little bit with my song in it.

Got to make sure it's
not a piece of crap.

You know what I mean?

Who's that behind you?

No one.

There's no one.

There's no one behind me.

And my daughter's
like, I have covid!

He gave me covid!

Now I have covid!

Now you're going to get covid!

Mr. Mccartney, I feel
terrible, seriously.

I-- awful, terrible.

I-- you know, wow.

I didn't think you were
even going to come.

I don't know.

I feel terrible, seriously.

But you know, you're 80.

That's pretty good.

80 is solid.

80.

80 is good.

I would take 80, you know?

You know, 80.

You know.

It's not like--
it's not like you

Die at 80 anyone's going to
feel like you got ripped off.

I mean 80s a solid--

You know, if you look at all the
rock and roll, you know, 80--

80-- you know, 80 is--

80.

That's like two john lennons.

You know, but john lennon
and the other, you know?

You said so yourself,
live and let die.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you so much, tampa bay.

You can do it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I love you.

Thanks for coming, tampa bay.

I love you.

[music playing]