All language subtitles for Married.with.children.S11E16.SAiNTS.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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Previously on Married With Children:

Thanks, Al. For the first time in our
marriage, you're leaving me satisfied.

That satisfaction, however,
was short-lived.

Don't worry, Mom.
We'll never leave you.

Meanwhile, Al reinvented himself.

And while Peggy's luck
turned for the better...

- You have a big ego.
- It matches my wallet and my car.

...Al's luck, well...

Oh, Al, that's a beaut.

I haven't seen a shiner that bad
since I told my wife...

...she was starting to look
like Al Roker.

Well, it looks like Marcy was right.

She said
it was only a matter of time...

...before some woman
beat the holy hell out of you.

I'll have you know
I got this black eye last night...

...explaining to a jealous boyfriend...

...how the little lady
would rather stay with me.

Well, where is she?

I sent her out shopping
for a new waterbed.

This one has a leak,
and I worry so when she bounces.

So you just tell Marcy that
I'm doing just fine with the ladies.

That Al Bundy is not only
moving in the fast lane...

...he's doing wheelies in it, baby.

Is that true, Al? About the girl?

Every word of it.

Except the guy's name was Sasquatch,
the girl left with him...

...and there's an odor
coming from that bed scares even me.

Are things really that bad?

Yes, things are that bad.

Married men can never go back to
being single. See, there's this gene...

...it's called the single gene.
It's in us when we're born...

...but as soon as we marry,
it mysteriously disappears.

Nobody knows why,
but I suspect it's removed...

...chromosome by chromosome
by our wives.

And how would they go about this?

Do we really know
why they own so many tweezers?

So, Al,
if they don't like us being single...

...why do they keep kicking us
out of the house?

That's part of their cruel tricks.

See, without the single gene,
we're helpless.

We just wander around,
smelling of Rogaine and gin...

...until finally,
we fall off our toilets and die.

Well, lookie here.

You know, I would have thought
grocery shopping for you...

...would involve swinging from trees.

I'd love to stand here
and chat with you, Marce...

...but I'd think standing this close
to the fryer section...

...would make you a little nervous.

So I guess I'll just mosey along.

Fine. I was gonna
talk to you about Peggy...

...but you wouldn't
be interested anymore.

- Peg? Is Peg here?
- No.

She's getting her hair done
for a little dinner party...

...that she's throwing tonight.

- Oh, Peg is throwing a dinner party.
- That's right.

She has a date
with a wealthy, gorgeous man.

She asked me
to pick out a nice wine for us.

Oh, excuse me.
Do you have a hearty Bordeaux?

Wine is aisle four.
Just step over Mrs. Bradley.

Oh, excuse me. I'm spending
the evening with a supermodel...

...and are these
all the condoms you have?

Of course not.

I have more in back,
right next to the reality pills.

Let me get them.

Well, Al,
have fun with your supermodel.

Try not to get any paper cuts.

Okay, bullet head.
We both know what's going on here.

I don't have a date tonight,
and Bonbon Betsy...

...isn't giving any dinner party.

Right, Al.

Yeah, the truth is,
is that Peggy was hoping...

...that you could come
to dinner tonight.

I tried to talk her out of it,
but you know how stubborn--

How about I get there around 6?
Is that okay?

Perfect. See you at 6.

"Ribbed for her pleasure."

They're never happy.

Hey, this isn't even warm.

- Well, we'll help you out.
- Yeah.

After all, we wanna make
a good impression on Stepdaddy.

- That's right.
- Which you are...

...since you are currently in Brazil,
saving the rainforest.

We are? I hope we meet Sting.

Mom, why don't you want us
to meet this guy?

Same reason you never wanna bring
your dates home to meet me.

Stepdaddy's a lazy,
bonbon-swilling Opraholic?

Do you know how difficult it is for
a single working mom to meet a man?

Wait a minute. Let's see.
You don't work...

...and technically, you're not single.

And you've never really
been much of a mom.

Bud, how could you say that?

She raised two kids who are
about to save the rainforest. Hello?

Let me put it this way:

Either you get out of here, or I'm gonna
send you to live with your father.

So would anyone
like some more potato salad?

No, no.

Well, I hope
you're all enjoying your meal.

I've been enjoying this bite
for half an hour.

What is this delightful
crunchy coating?

Well, that's rust from the pan.

You know,
iron is really good for you.

I hope you saved room for dessert.

Oh, God.
I wonder what dessert's gonna be.

Phlegm brulée?

I'll go find out.

Bruce, why don't you tell Jefferson
about those car dealerships you own?

Suck up to him, honey.
It could mean a job.

Have you heard
about the new Korean car?

It's got a Sun Myung Moon roof.

Rich and funny. God, I'm a catch.

Oh, he's wonderful, Peggy.

He reminds me of Jefferson,
except with his own credit cards.

- I know. You know, he is perfect, but I--
- If you don't want him, I'll take him.

- Well, what about Jefferson?
- Who's Jefferson?

Are you all right?

All right, all right, here we go.
Up, up. Come on, up.

Jefferson must really want a job.

If you didn't like it, you could have
just spit it up into your napkin.

No, no, no, that was wonderful...

...it's just that I hate to see you
slaving away in the kitchen.

From now on, we eat out.

Can we go to one of those
fancy French places?

Well, my darling,
if this year-end Yugo-palooza sale...

...goes as well as I expect,
I'll be taking you to dine in Paris.

Ever made love in the Eiffel Tower?

Well, no, but once I frenched a guy
in the Sears Tower.

Al. Well, what are you doing here?

I invited him.

Al, I'd like you to meet
Peggy's new boyfriend...

...Bruce.

Look, Jefferson,
we have our Christmas card.

Gee, Peg,
you really have a new boyfriend.

Well, this is an awkward moment.

Fortunately, I'm so self-centered
it's not gonna bother me.

Well, me either.

The only reason I accepted
Marcy's invitation was an excuse...

...to see my dog.

Hey there, fella.
How you doing there?

Hey, I brought you
some bonbon biscuits here.

You can't imagine
how I miss this guy.

Didn't he used to be bigger?

That was Buck.

Well, goodbye, all. I gotta be going.

Frankly, coming back to this house
is giving me the willy-squidgets.

Oh, well, let me show you out.
This is the happiest day of my life.

Hey, no problem.

Well, that went well.

Here's some flowers for you.

I can't believe
we finally get to meet Stepdaddy.

Now, remember, he's gonna be trying
to buy our affection.

So to really rake it in,
I suggest we play hard to get.

Play what?

Hard to get.

It's like when you have a date
and you decide to wear a bra.

- Oh, right. Okay, baby, I got it.
- Yeah. There you go.

Kids, Bruce will be here any minute.

Now, remember:
Put your best foot forward.

What's she talking about?
They look exactly the same.

- That's him. He's here.
- Now, remember: hard to get.

- Hi. I'm Bruce--
- Hi.

We love you, Stepdaddy.

Kelly, Kelly.
That's not playing hard to get.

It is for me.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah, I thought you two would be
in Brazil, saving the rainforest.

Oh, well, we had to come back
because we forgot our umbrellas.

It was, like, raining,
you know what I mean?

Actually, we live here.

You ought to know that Kelly and I
are extremely protective...

...of our dear mother.
We want only the best for her.

Oh, me too.

That's why I've been thinking
that maybe you two should be leaving...

...this split-level Porta-Potty...

...and taking responsibility
for your own lives.

He's a wicked stepdaddy.

Kelly, hug him hard, and don't let go
until you got his wallet.

Well, I see you've met my daughter.
Are we still dating?

Yes, of course. Yes.

But this would make
a great Penthouse letter.

- You have to dump him.
- Yeah.

- He's a bad man. He's a very bad man.
- He doesn't like us.

Yeah, but most people don't.

Have you ever thought
that it might be you?

Mom, he's trying
to take you away from us.

I know that,
and don't you try to stop him.

All right, all right.

We didn't wanna have
to tell you this, but he's a woman.

And he touched me.

You wish.

Now, look,
I know that Bruce isn't perfect...

...and he doesn't have
your father's animal magnetism...

...or his animal scent
or his hairy knuckles...

...but what he does have is money.

Enough to turn me
into a lady of leisure.

Mom, if you were any more leisurely,
you'd be unconscious.

Yes, but I'd be unconscious
on a suede couch...

...with a big-screen TV...

...and a maid serving me bonbons,
right, Bruce?

I get it now. He's just using Mom
to get his green card.

Should you do me the honor
of becoming Mrs. Right...

...I'm sure you'll wanna learn
how to cook and clean.

Why can't I have a maid? You're rich.

And I plan to stay that way.

I certainly
don't wanna end up like this.

What about eating out
all around the world?

Oh, we can do that
while we're courting.

But as we say in the car business...

...you don't have to kiss ass
once you close the deal.

And just what makes you think
that I wanna close the deal?

I just assumed that.

I mean, a top-of-the-line model
like myself...

...doesn't stay long
on the showroom floor.

And although
you are very attractive...

...we can't turn your odometer back.

Excuse me, but nobody talks
to my mother like that.

Oh, yeah? What are you
gonna do about it, junior?

Kelly?

If you're in the market
for a used car, call me.

Get out of here.

You know what Dad would do
if he was here now?

He'd lead us in a "Whoa Bundy."

Yeah, but he's not here,
so it's a "No Bundy."

What are you saying, Mom?
You miss Dad?

More than words can say.

I told you.

Technically, my rent is not due
until after the 15th of the-- Hi, Peg.

- Hi, Al. Can I come in?
- In here?

Oh, yeah. Just a minute, Peg.
Excuse me.

Come in.

Sorry the place is a little bit
of a mess here, but, well...

...I live here.

Oh, that's okay.
You know, I just came over...

...to talk about the kids.

Yeah. Sorry, Peg,
I'd take the kids off your hands...

...but the manager here
says that he won't allow pets or kids...

...and Bud and Kelly
fall in there somewhere.

Oh, it's not that. It's just that--

Well, you know,
I'm worried about Bud.

He's been getting into fights lately, and
I thought you should know about that.

Well, I certainly should.
I am still the boy's father...

...and if he's getting in fights,
I should be there to congratulate him.

I'll stop over
tomorrow right after work.

Okay.

So how is work?

Oh, you know, can't complain.

Well, you could try.

You know, the kids and I
kind of miss your little shoe stories.

Well, there was this woman
who came in the store today...

...tried on every black high heel
we had in stock...

...and then told us
she was just browsing.

So just as she was leaving...

...someone plugged her right in the ass
with a 7 EEE clog.

Don't know who.

Someone who could rifle a football
40 yards downfield, I'll bet.

Could be.

So how are things with you, Peg?

Oh, pretty good.
Marcy sends her hate.

Marcy. An amazing amount of spunk
for a stick figure.

You know what, Al?
I brought you something.

See? It has your name
right on the label.

"A. Bundy."

You bought me my own TV Guide.

Well, you know,
we have been married for 25 years.

Since you were 18 and I was 9.

Yeah. Boy, we had
some good times, didn't we, Peg?

Didn't we?

Gee, I haven't
given it much thought. Probably.

Well, I guess I better be going.

Oh, what am I thinking?
I don't have a ride.

Kelly and her date dropped me off.

Oh, well,
I suppose I could give you a ride.

- If it wouldn't be too much trouble.
- No, no trouble.

Well, Peg, here we are.

- Here we are where?
- Come on, Peg.

Don't you remember Maple Lane?
And the maple tree on Maple Lane?

Oh, Al. This is where we parked
the very first time we--

Yep.

The first time we ever had a fight.

I don't remember much about the fight,
but I sure do remember making up.

Oh, Al.

Since this was our biggest fight ever,
will we have our biggest makeup ever?

You got that right, babe.

Just like this car, we're built to last.