All language subtitles for Married.with.children.S10E23.SAiNTS.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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Thanks for inviting me over
to play strip study, Bud.

Well, just like it says on the box,
"It's a game with no losers."

Okay, Ariel.

"Ulysses S. Grant was a general
in which war?"

The war on drugs?

- Oh, close.
- Oh, man.

No, the correct answer
is the Civil War.

They named a war
after "Civil" Shepherd?

Oh, man.

Now, you know the rules.

For each wrong answer
you must remove one piece of clothing.

Gee, if I'd known the rules,
I would have worn underwear.

Okay. "Who was the first president
of the United States?"

- George Washington.
- Wrong.

Gosh, Bud, I'm not that smart.

I can't figure out
why you'd want to study with me.

Well, you make every
subject come to life.

Bud, finals are a week away...

...and every time we try to study,
we end up having sex.

Trust me, Ariel. In two minutes,
we'll be right back to studying.

Bud, wake up.

What is it?

George Washington was the first
president of the United States.

Oh, my God.
Do you know what time it is?

Six o'clock?

- No, it's 8:00.
- Damn.

No, we're not playing that game
anymore, Ariel. It's morning.

What am I gonna do?
If I don't pass these exams...

...I won't graduate.
Come on, we gotta get out of here.

Won't it be awkward when your family
sees me coming out of your room?

No, I have girls over here
all the time.

They won't even bat an eye.
Come on. Let's go.

That's my boy!

Congratulations, son.
Your first sleep-over date.

And with a girl too.

Unless it's one of those
Crying Game kind of things.

How did you guys
know Ariel was here?

Well, for once the cries of:

"Oh, Bud. Oh, Bud,"
wasn't just you throwing your voice.

Yeah, and then about 1 a.m.
you suddenly yelled out the window:

"I just got busy."

Now, being down with the lingo
you youngsters use today...

...I knew that you had just done
the function at the junction.

So you spent the night
with my brother, Bud.

Could you--? Could you bend
your head forward, please?

Nope, no air nozzle.

Will you leave her alone?

The girl just had
the best sex of her life.

I didn't say it was the best.
I said you did your best.

So, Bud, shall I study your brains out
again tonight?

No, no, no.
I really have to study alone.

I have to get my diploma
so I can get the hell out of this house.

Bud, come here a second, son.

You're gonna do the right thing
by this girl now, aren't you?

- You mean marry her?
- No, I mean never call her again.

Yeah, thanks.
Thanks for the advice, Dad.

Look, Ariel, I really need
to get my grades up, all right?

So until finals are over,
I'm swearing off sex.

That's a good idea.
I'm gonna get my grades up too.

So you'll swear off sex also?

No. I'm gonna sleep
with all my teachers.

Thanks.

E equals MC...

...cup.

I have to concentrate.

And...

She's still too sexy.

Bud?

What the hell is that?

- Dad, I'm trying to study.
- What, why presidents marry ugly?

But, son, actually,
I'm glad you're studying...

...because you'll be quiet
while I watch TV.

Today's the premiere of the new
Big 'Uns Network, B-U-N.

Or BUN.

Why do you have to watch it
down here on my small TV?

We're not watching the BUN
on your small TV.

You guys wanna give me a hand here
with Marcie's TV?

- Sure.
- Put it right there.

Dad, I'm not gonna be able to study...

...with you guys sitting there
watching bimbo TV.

They're not bimbos.
They're "hooteracious" Americans.

And secondly, son, you're not even
gonna notice that we're here.

Welcome to the premiere
of the Big 'Uns Network.

I'm former Senator Bob Packwood...

...and this is a real
dear-diary day for me.

Yeah, shake them. Shake them.

This is ridiculous. I'm gonna have
to find a place to study...

...where there's absolutely
nothing that can turn me on.

Why, Bud, what was that for?

Just for being you, Miss Hardaway.

You're so cute.

What can I do for you?

Be as creative as you like
with your answer.

I would just like...

...the reserved reading
for these classes, please.

By the way, do you have
a poster of yourself...

...I could hang up over my desk?

Well, I don't have
a poster of myself...

...but I was featured
in this magazine.

"Library 'Uns"?

I'm the centerfold.

Here are the books.

I've marked the parts you're supposed
to read and I've taken the liberty...

...of putting my home phone number
on the bookmark.

Oh, Bud, if you're looking
for a quiet place to study...

...try that reading room there.
It's very private.

Thanks. I'll give it a try.

Oh, this is perfect.

Perfect, perfect, perfect.

Now I can finally forget about sex...

...and concentrate on my studies.

Oh, I guess I'll start
with Shakespeare here.

"Her breasts, like ivory globes
circled with blue...

...a pair of maiden worlds
unconquered."

God, what I wouldn't give
for a pair of globes right now.

Okay. I've gotta calm down.

Okay, what could be less stimulating
than Biology?

"The woman indicates
her readiness by--"

"When the female has reached
peak arousal..."

Oh, I'd like to peak at some arousal.

Okay, no sex. No sex.

No sex. No sex.

Okay, Anthropology
will definitely cool me down.

"Costumes
of the Trobriand Islanders." Okay.

The women use coconut shells
as clothing.

Hey, those aren't coconut shells.

But those are coconuts.

A man can only take so much.

I wonder what's up with Bud.

This is Senator Packwood
live from the Big 'Uns Olympics.

The officials are on the field
measuring.

It's a new world record.

Seventy-two and one half inches.
She's won the gold.

Yes. Yes, I knew
she had what it takes.

What event is it, long jump?

No, they're just measuring her chest.

Dad, I need to talk to you.

The university
just put me on probation.

Way to go, son.

What did you do,
paint the school mascot?

Go on a panty raid?

I was caught
having sex in the school library.

All right-o. That's my boy.

Who's the lucky girl?

You're shaking her.

Dad, I'm gonna be tried
by the university deans.

I might not be able to graduate.
Would you give me a hand?

Obviously, you have too many
as it is.

Dad, if I don't graduate,
I might just live here forever.

Son...

...you need the best defense
no money can buy.

We will now try the case
of Trumaine College v. Bud Bundy.

We have convened here
at the scene of the crime.

You're not going to re-create it,
are you?

No, that was not my intention,
Dean Markwand.

But I cannot speak for Mr. Bundy.

Perhaps he should be handcuffed
during these proceedings?

That will not be necessary.

I am confident that my client
can control himself.

Then obviously you haven't seen
the videotape.

I think I can defend Mr. Bundy
without viewing the tape.

In fact, that was the one condition
on which I agreed to take the case.

Bud Bundy, how do you plead?

Absolutely 100 percent not guilty.

Yeah, it was really nice of Bud...

...to let us watch the Big 'Uns
Extreme Games in his room.

By the way, where is your son?

I have no son.

Haven't you heard?

Bud was caught
in the Trumaine library...

...doing what will soon be
referred to as...

..."The Bundy."

Try to raise a kid
with values and decency--

Oh, look, Big 'Uns freefall.

You don't need a parachute
when you've got 'Uns.

It's enough to make you
wanna do "The Bundy."

Oh, I give Bud credit.
The library's a pretty creative place.

Most creative place I ever did it
was on an airplane.

You did it in a bathroom on a plane?

Who said anything
about a bathroom?

And so in light
of the videotape evidence...

...and the eyewitness account
of the now-traumatized student...

...who had the misfortune of opening
the door at exactly the wrong moment...

...we must conclude that Bud Bundy
is absolutely 100 percent guilty.

Does the defense possibly have
anything to say...

...other than the obvious
"I'm so, so sorry"?

We do not dispute the evidence
of this case.

Then you admit
the defendant committed this crime.

He committed the act.
There was no crime.

Allow me to quote
from your official student handbook.

"Abstinence saves lives."

And what guarantees abstinence
better than self-love?

Constant, never-ending self-love.

I ask you to look
at this young man.

Would you rather
he do what he did...

...or be out there breeding?

And I did the Bundy
at the Ice Capades.

During my driving test.

Watching Shaft.

On my honeymoon.

- On your honeymoon?
- That doesn't count.

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

I think I may have been
a little bit too harsh on my son.

The only thing he really did wrong was
going to the library in the first place.

The rest is totally understandable.

I mean, we men have our needs.

It's women who tell us
these things are wrong.

And why? Because they wanna take
away the only good sex we have.

I know now what we must do.

And so in conclusion,
I say if touching yourself is a crime...

...then who among us
does not deserve the chair?

All right.

We concede that what Bud did
was not in itself a crime.

But how do you explain
doing it in the library?

Well, I'm glad you asked that.

Bud, how the hell do you explain it?

Easily.

I was set up.

I direct the attention of the court
to Miss Hardaway...

...who has had a crush on me
for years.

In fact, at this very moment...

...she's thinking about
what I must look like under my clothes.

That is a tight little lie.

I-- I mean a little white lie.

Can you deny
that on the night in question...

...you gave me
your home phone number?

This number?

Did you not tell me
which study room to sit in...

...knowing full well it had
a surveillance camera?

And did you not give me
erotic textbooks...

...with all the good parts marked?

You gave him Costumes
of the Trobriand Islanders?

- I did.
- My God.

The boy is only human.

So you see I was entrapped...

...by a middle-aged librarian who saw
a hot little tushie and wanted more.

That is not true.

I dare you to take a look at this
and still deny your feelings.

All right, I confess.

I am in love with Bud Bundy.

Whenever he comes in the library...

...I turn the heat up so he'll have to
strip down to his tank top.

When he returns a book late,
I always hope he'll say:

"I've been a bad boy, Miss Hardaway.

Spank me hard."

The court will excuse me if I heave?

I've read every book
on loving in this library.

I could do things to him
he's never even dreamed of.

Really?

I think we have a unanimous verdict.

We will dismiss this case,
allow Mr. Bundy to graduate...

...and seal the records...

...so as to maintain the good name
of the Michael Milken Library.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. D'Arcy.

Oh, you were great.

And best of all, nobody's ever gonna
know about this ugly little incident.

Free the Bundy one!

Free the Bundy one
Free the Bundy one

Free the Bundy one
Free the Bundy one

This is Miranda Veracruz
de la Jolla Cardenal...

...broadcasting live
at Trumaine College...

...where the group called NO MA'AM
is picketing...

...in support of Bud Bundy's
inalienable right as an American...

...to touch himself in the library...

...or anywhere else for that matter.

Four, three, two, one
Bud's alone but he has fun

Two, four, six, eight
It's his only steady date

One, two, three, four
He shouldn't have to lock the door

Free the Bundy one!