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1
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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
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Well, frat bros, tomorrow we leave
for spring break in Fort Lauderdale...
2
00:01:21,390 --> 00:01:23,904
...and we show the babes
what kind of men we really are.
3
00:01:34,590 --> 00:01:36,103
Hey, come on, guys.
4
00:01:36,350 --> 00:01:38,944
Work with me, all right?
This is our big chance to score.
5
00:01:39,150 --> 00:01:42,426
Now, the ratio of girls to guys
at spring break is 6-to-1.
6
00:01:43,030 --> 00:01:45,624
That's the same ratio
of girls to guys at our college.
7
00:01:45,870 --> 00:01:48,065
We don't score there.
8
00:01:48,470 --> 00:01:51,030
That's because those girls
know us already.
9
00:01:51,270 --> 00:01:55,502
See, these girls will be total strangers,
and they'll be really drunk.
10
00:01:55,750 --> 00:01:59,459
You are the coolest guy we know.
11
00:02:00,350 --> 00:02:05,219
You have had live sex six times.
12
00:02:07,830 --> 00:02:09,309
You must lead us.
13
00:02:10,590 --> 00:02:12,626
And lead you I will, Achmed. Okay.
14
00:02:14,430 --> 00:02:16,421
We got plane tickets.
15
00:02:16,670 --> 00:02:18,740
We got hotel reservations.
16
00:02:18,990 --> 00:02:20,264
Have we got protection?
17
00:02:28,190 --> 00:02:30,863
- Hummer, what is this?
- It's my sister's diaphragm.
18
00:02:34,470 --> 00:02:36,506
You said to bring protection.
19
00:02:36,750 --> 00:02:39,264
I wasn't talking about
that kind of protection.
20
00:02:48,070 --> 00:02:49,628
What do we have here?
21
00:02:49,870 --> 00:02:51,781
Who goes, "Bud"?
22
00:02:51,990 --> 00:02:53,218
Who goes, "Weis"?
23
00:02:53,470 --> 00:02:56,109
Who goes, "Er"?
24
00:02:56,350 --> 00:03:00,309
You large-breasted girls
think you are so smart.
25
00:03:01,590 --> 00:03:03,626
Guess where we're going
for spring break.
26
00:03:04,230 --> 00:03:07,188
- Eunuch school?
- Gymboree?
27
00:03:07,430 --> 00:03:09,898
The petting zoo in your pants?
28
00:03:11,470 --> 00:03:12,698
Yeah, you wish.
29
00:03:12,950 --> 00:03:15,418
Hey, we are flying
to Fort Lauderdale.
30
00:03:15,670 --> 00:03:20,266
And staying in one very cool
hotel room overlooking the beach...
31
00:03:20,510 --> 00:03:23,229
...where large-breasted girls
will be arching their backs...
32
00:03:23,430 --> 00:03:26,786
...to make their breasts
seem even larger.
33
00:03:27,390 --> 00:03:32,623
We will be thinking of you when we're
rubbing oil on large breasts.
34
00:03:32,870 --> 00:03:35,543
Yeah, maybe Hummer's.
35
00:03:37,150 --> 00:03:38,503
At least mine are real.
36
00:03:38,750 --> 00:03:40,661
- Hey, ours are real!
- Hey! Hey!
37
00:03:43,190 --> 00:03:45,260
Come on, guys.
Let's go down to the basement...
38
00:03:45,470 --> 00:03:47,700
...and plan
our babe-scoring strategies.
39
00:03:47,910 --> 00:03:50,105
I'll bring my diaphragm.
40
00:03:52,110 --> 00:03:53,338
Yeah. Cool, man. Let's go.
41
00:03:54,670 --> 00:03:57,742
You touch--
Don't even come near me. No.
42
00:04:02,390 --> 00:04:03,982
This is so unfair.
43
00:04:04,230 --> 00:04:06,266
We should be at spring break,
not them.
44
00:04:06,510 --> 00:04:09,229
I mean, we're gorgeous,
and they're, like, gargoyles.
45
00:04:09,430 --> 00:04:10,863
How do we get to spring break...
46
00:04:11,070 --> 00:04:13,459
...when everything's booked,
and we don't have money?
47
00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:15,547
That didn't stop us
from going to Vegas.
48
00:04:15,750 --> 00:04:18,947
- Or Monte Carlo.
- Or the Arkansas Governor's Mansion.
49
00:04:21,190 --> 00:04:23,465
I guess that was just me.
50
00:04:24,630 --> 00:04:26,302
Well, we know what we have to do.
51
00:04:26,550 --> 00:04:29,701
We just gotta figure out
who we're gonna do it with.
52
00:04:56,230 --> 00:04:57,788
It's your move, Griff.
53
00:05:06,630 --> 00:05:09,144
You know what's really gonna make
this game better...
54
00:05:09,350 --> 00:05:11,420
...is when we learn how to play.
55
00:05:19,190 --> 00:05:20,782
Maybe.
56
00:05:21,590 --> 00:05:23,228
Maybe not.
57
00:05:24,150 --> 00:05:25,742
Hit me.
58
00:05:27,470 --> 00:05:29,222
You didn't say, "Simon says."
59
00:05:34,910 --> 00:05:38,061
Quick. I need something
I can wear with a bikini.
60
00:05:38,310 --> 00:05:40,505
Well, that would be me.
61
00:05:41,670 --> 00:05:44,389
Something in black
that goes with a bikini.
62
00:05:44,630 --> 00:05:46,621
That would be me.
63
00:05:52,550 --> 00:05:54,905
Miss, I'm not complaining
or anything...
64
00:05:55,150 --> 00:05:57,584
...but isn't it a little cold
to be wearing a bikini?
65
00:05:57,790 --> 00:06:01,100
Oh, it's not for here. We're going
to Fort Lauderdale for spring break.
66
00:06:01,350 --> 00:06:03,261
Help yourselves to shoes, ladies.
67
00:06:03,470 --> 00:06:06,030
We've also got a lot in back.
68
00:06:09,150 --> 00:06:12,062
As do you girls.
69
00:06:12,390 --> 00:06:17,100
- Do you take checks?
- Checks, cash, kisses.
70
00:06:21,230 --> 00:06:23,505
Oh, spring break.
71
00:06:23,750 --> 00:06:25,980
It must be a beautiful sight, huh, Al?
72
00:06:26,230 --> 00:06:29,620
How would I know?
My whole life's been a nuclear winter.
73
00:06:30,710 --> 00:06:33,065
Only way I know it's spring
is when the snow melts...
74
00:06:33,270 --> 00:06:35,830
...and I see my garbage
on Marcie's lawn.
75
00:06:36,470 --> 00:06:39,030
- Thank you. Thanks for your help.
- Thank you so much.
76
00:06:39,270 --> 00:06:40,498
- Thank you, girls.
- Bye.
77
00:06:40,710 --> 00:06:42,268
Thank you. Bye-bye.
78
00:06:42,470 --> 00:06:43,869
- Thank you. Bye.
- Bye-bye.
79
00:06:44,110 --> 00:06:47,739
- Have a wonderful vacation.
- Bye-bye.
80
00:06:56,630 --> 00:06:59,269
Why haven't we ever been
to spring break, Al?
81
00:06:59,510 --> 00:07:03,139
Because we, in our infinite wisdom,
got married right after high school.
82
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,581
Junior high.
83
00:07:06,710 --> 00:07:09,383
Think of all the things we missed
by getting married early.
84
00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:12,098
Yeah. Chasing women...
85
00:07:12,350 --> 00:07:15,308
...getting drunk
and vomiting every night.
86
00:07:15,910 --> 00:07:18,470
Eating Vienna sausages
out of the can...
87
00:07:18,710 --> 00:07:22,385
...over the sink, in the dark,
in your underwear.
88
00:07:23,270 --> 00:07:25,659
What were we thinking?
89
00:07:31,790 --> 00:07:33,940
Your turn to roll the dice.
90
00:07:36,390 --> 00:07:37,869
Gee, Hummer...
91
00:07:38,110 --> 00:07:44,299
...this couch is so small,
and your lap is so big.
92
00:07:45,150 --> 00:07:47,744
Is there anyplace on it
for little old me?
93
00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:58,100
If it's all the same to you,
I'll just sit to the right of the mustard.
94
00:08:04,230 --> 00:08:08,348
You know, it's such a shame,
us hitting it off like this...
95
00:08:08,590 --> 00:08:12,583
...and you having to go away
for a whole week to Fort Lauderdale.
96
00:08:12,830 --> 00:08:15,424
I don't have to go.
97
00:08:16,230 --> 00:08:18,824
Oh, could you move
a little bit to the right?
98
00:08:19,070 --> 00:08:20,947
I think my Pop Rocks are going off.
99
00:08:32,430 --> 00:08:36,742
Well, we just have
one teensy-weensy little problem.
100
00:08:36,990 --> 00:08:41,029
My boyfriend just hates it
when I sleep with other guys.
101
00:08:43,750 --> 00:08:45,980
Is that your Pop Rocks again?
102
00:08:46,710 --> 00:08:48,905
No, that's me.
103
00:08:58,070 --> 00:09:02,382
Oh, if only I could send my boyfriend
away somewhere for a week.
104
00:09:02,590 --> 00:09:06,139
You know, somewhere where there's
lots of girls so he won't miss me.
105
00:09:09,550 --> 00:09:12,189
What? Fort Lauderdale, you say?
106
00:09:12,430 --> 00:09:15,547
What a wonderful idea.
And you have a ticket.
107
00:09:17,870 --> 00:09:20,179
Okay, meet me here tomorrow
at 4:00.
108
00:09:20,430 --> 00:09:22,580
- Yeah.
- And don't tell anyone.
109
00:09:22,790 --> 00:09:24,587
I won't.
110
00:09:25,470 --> 00:09:27,665
It'll be our little secret.
111
00:09:28,030 --> 00:09:29,429
So, Ashley...
112
00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:33,299
...you really wanna spend spring break
with me, down in my basement?
113
00:09:34,110 --> 00:09:38,388
Nothing turns me on more than a guy
who lives in his parents' basement.
114
00:09:39,150 --> 00:09:41,505
I knew it would pay off.
115
00:09:42,150 --> 00:09:46,189
But first I have to get my insanely
jealous boyfriend out of town.
116
00:09:46,430 --> 00:09:50,218
- I'll kill that sucker.
- No.
117
00:09:50,470 --> 00:09:53,268
Because if you did, then I'd have
to take time away from us...
118
00:09:53,510 --> 00:09:55,387
...to wear black panties
to his funeral.
119
00:09:55,630 --> 00:09:59,384
And you know
how I hate to wear panties, Bud.
120
00:10:03,750 --> 00:10:06,583
Hey, I have an idea.
121
00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:14,067
Please to be sending your boyfriend
to Fort Lauderdale.
122
00:10:15,670 --> 00:10:19,185
He could use $500 for new clothes.
123
00:10:23,470 --> 00:10:25,779
Okay, guys, let's hit it.
124
00:10:28,030 --> 00:10:29,827
Oh, wait a second.
125
00:10:30,070 --> 00:10:31,298
I almost forgot.
126
00:10:31,510 --> 00:10:34,263
You guys go on ahead.
I have to stay back...
127
00:10:34,950 --> 00:10:36,178
...and feed the dog.
128
00:10:37,230 --> 00:10:40,381
You, sir, are a liar.
129
00:10:40,910 --> 00:10:42,821
And I have to go...
130
00:10:43,470 --> 00:10:47,145
...to the bathroom,
for a very long time.
131
00:10:49,670 --> 00:10:51,388
Okay, guys...
132
00:10:51,950 --> 00:10:53,702
...I'll level with you.
133
00:10:53,910 --> 00:10:55,628
I'm not going to spring break.
134
00:10:55,870 --> 00:10:57,462
No, I'm gonna stay here with Ashley.
135
00:10:57,670 --> 00:10:59,422
And I'm gonna have more sex
with her...
136
00:10:59,630 --> 00:11:03,145
...than anyone has ever had with
anyone since the beginning of time.
137
00:11:05,190 --> 00:11:07,750
That's where you're wrong.
Because me and your sister...
138
00:11:07,990 --> 00:11:13,428
...are gonna have more sex
and curly fries than anyone ever.
139
00:11:14,950 --> 00:11:18,909
No, no. Me and Mindy are gonna
run up the all-time high score.
140
00:11:20,270 --> 00:11:22,101
You must all leave.
141
00:11:22,350 --> 00:11:27,982
At any minute, Fawn is meeting me
here with her large, anxious breasts.
142
00:11:28,870 --> 00:11:30,269
Wait a second. Wait a second.
143
00:11:30,510 --> 00:11:33,024
So we're all getting some
right here in town?
144
00:11:33,230 --> 00:11:34,583
What are the odds?
145
00:11:34,830 --> 00:11:36,741
The girls should be here any minute.
146
00:11:36,990 --> 00:11:39,140
- Any minute now.
- Yeah.
147
00:11:51,070 --> 00:11:53,584
This is the life, huh, girls?
148
00:11:53,790 --> 00:11:55,826
How come we never went
to spring break before?
149
00:11:56,030 --> 00:11:58,908
- Because we never went to college.
- Oh, yeah.
150
00:12:01,270 --> 00:12:04,182
Gracias, Hidalgo.
151
00:12:07,670 --> 00:12:08,898
You know what, girls?
152
00:12:09,110 --> 00:12:11,704
The only thing that would
make this trip any better...
153
00:12:11,910 --> 00:12:13,980
...is if we could see
the looks on the faces...
154
00:12:14,190 --> 00:12:17,023
...of Bud and those dust-heads
when they find out where we are.
155
00:12:38,350 --> 00:12:40,818
Any minute now.
156
00:12:59,710 --> 00:13:01,348
Hi, girls.
157
00:13:01,590 --> 00:13:05,299
Say, we're on live TV.
Might wanna put those tops back on.
158
00:13:10,110 --> 00:13:13,420
You might wanna
put those bottoms on too.
159
00:13:15,150 --> 00:13:17,220
And you with the glasses...
160
00:13:17,430 --> 00:13:19,898
...you might wanna get off the beach.
161
00:13:21,430 --> 00:13:25,548
You probably recognize me.
I'm Dangerous Dan Inwood.
162
00:13:27,870 --> 00:13:31,101
Rock-TV VJ Dan Inwood.
163
00:13:31,830 --> 00:13:34,742
I was on General Hospital
two days last fall. Zipper mishap.
164
00:13:34,990 --> 00:13:37,504
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
165
00:13:37,750 --> 00:13:40,264
You were so funny.
166
00:13:40,710 --> 00:13:41,938
Thanks.
167
00:13:42,150 --> 00:13:45,108
I'm sure you heard that Rock TV
and Phi Alpha Delta Fraternity...
168
00:13:45,310 --> 00:13:47,665
...are sponsoring the big
Miss Spring-Break Contest.
169
00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:50,782
Well, we're just here from Chicago
to have a good time...
170
00:13:50,990 --> 00:13:53,299
...and maybe wreck a home or two.
171
00:13:53,550 --> 00:13:56,781
Well, you girls are from Chicago?
We need a contestant from Chicago.
172
00:13:57,030 --> 00:13:58,986
- Oh, my gosh.
- Call it in the air.
173
00:13:59,230 --> 00:14:00,424
- It's a coin.
- You win.
174
00:14:00,630 --> 00:14:02,382
Oh, my God.
175
00:14:05,550 --> 00:14:08,189
Kelly, you're so lucky.
176
00:14:08,430 --> 00:14:10,944
It was right on the tip of my tongue.
177
00:14:11,990 --> 00:14:13,981
Kelly? May I call you Kelly?
Good. I will.
178
00:14:14,230 --> 00:14:15,982
Kelly, this is an exciting opportunity.
179
00:14:16,190 --> 00:14:18,067
Yeah, well, I don't know about this.
180
00:14:18,310 --> 00:14:20,619
See, I consider myself an actress.
181
00:14:20,830 --> 00:14:22,548
I don't know if I could go parading...
182
00:14:22,750 --> 00:14:25,822
...around a bunch of strangers
I haven't slept with yet.
183
00:14:27,670 --> 00:14:30,707
First prize is a hundred thou
and a car, Kel.
184
00:14:30,950 --> 00:14:31,939
I'm there.
185
00:14:34,430 --> 00:14:36,580
The snow and ice stormthat knocked out power...
186
00:14:36,790 --> 00:14:39,782
...over much of Chicago yesterdaycontinues to paralyze the city.
187
00:14:39,990 --> 00:14:42,140
Luckily, schools are closedfor spring break...
188
00:14:42,350 --> 00:14:44,068
...and most employeeshave the day off.
189
00:14:44,310 --> 00:14:45,948
So just about everyone is at home...
190
00:14:46,150 --> 00:14:49,301
...warm and toasty,huddled around a roaring fire.
191
00:15:17,670 --> 00:15:20,343
Throw another clog on the fire,
will you?
192
00:15:25,710 --> 00:15:27,302
I thought we burned that phone.
193
00:15:27,550 --> 00:15:30,860
No, don't you remember?
We tried. It wouldn't burn.
194
00:15:31,470 --> 00:15:33,062
Hello. Oh, hello, Peg.
195
00:15:33,310 --> 00:15:35,744
Al, is it cold there?
196
00:15:35,990 --> 00:15:39,187
It's as cold as your feet
on my back, Peg.
197
00:15:39,430 --> 00:15:42,547
- Where are you?
- Oh, I'm in New Orleans at Mardi gras.
198
00:15:42,790 --> 00:15:44,064
It's really warm here.
199
00:15:44,630 --> 00:15:47,508
- Is your dad there, Peg?
- Well, how would I know?
200
00:15:47,750 --> 00:15:52,346
There's 10,000 people here,
and they're all wearing masks.
201
00:15:52,590 --> 00:15:55,502
So the only one who should be isn't.
Goodbye, Peg.
202
00:16:06,190 --> 00:16:08,784
Why is everyone
in a warm climate but us?
203
00:16:09,030 --> 00:16:12,500
Oh, come on, Al. Not everybody is.
204
00:16:12,750 --> 00:16:14,468
Hey, guys.
205
00:16:17,830 --> 00:16:21,823
Well, I'm off to spring break
in Fort Lauderdale.
206
00:16:22,070 --> 00:16:24,345
Why do you get
to go to spring break?
207
00:16:24,590 --> 00:16:26,706
Yeah, you're not a college student.
208
00:16:26,950 --> 00:16:29,339
You're not a big-breasted blond.
209
00:16:29,590 --> 00:16:31,785
God knows,
you're not married to one.
210
00:16:32,830 --> 00:16:35,708
No, no.
But I do know one when I see one.
211
00:16:35,950 --> 00:16:39,989
Which is why I'm needed in Fort
Lauderdale on official frat business.
212
00:16:40,230 --> 00:16:43,222
I'll be judging a beauty contest.
213
00:16:43,430 --> 00:16:44,863
What's Marcie say about that?
214
00:16:45,110 --> 00:16:47,670
She said,
"Have fun at computer camp."
215
00:16:48,470 --> 00:16:52,019
I told her I'd be job training. So if you
see her, you'll cover for me, right?
216
00:16:52,630 --> 00:16:54,427
Not a chance.
217
00:16:55,230 --> 00:16:57,744
Come on, Al. This is spring break.
218
00:16:57,990 --> 00:17:00,709
You guys know what that's like, huh?
219
00:17:01,230 --> 00:17:05,428
Well, actually, Jefferson, no.
No, we don't know.
220
00:17:05,670 --> 00:17:08,389
Neither one of us has ever been.
221
00:17:10,750 --> 00:17:13,947
This is really, truly sad.
222
00:17:14,270 --> 00:17:17,103
Warm yourself by the fire, Jefferson.
223
00:17:18,190 --> 00:17:20,146
Tell us what it's like.
224
00:17:21,470 --> 00:17:23,028
Well...
225
00:17:23,270 --> 00:17:26,979
...imagine yourselves
in a tropical paradise.
226
00:17:27,230 --> 00:17:29,460
The palm trees swaying...
227
00:17:29,710 --> 00:17:33,942
...the trade winds softly caressing
the hair of the gorgeous babes...
228
00:17:34,190 --> 00:17:38,547
...bouncing up and down
in their micro-bikinis.
229
00:17:39,550 --> 00:17:42,781
An ice-cold brewski in your hand.
230
00:17:43,030 --> 00:17:45,669
And everywhere you look...
231
00:17:45,910 --> 00:17:48,868
...there are nude sunbathers.
232
00:17:49,670 --> 00:17:52,389
And that's before
you even leave the airport.
233
00:17:57,710 --> 00:17:59,223
I wish we could go.
234
00:17:59,470 --> 00:18:01,665
Well, what's stopping you?
235
00:18:07,190 --> 00:18:08,987
Nothing.
236
00:18:09,230 --> 00:18:11,903
Oh, well, you will need some cash.
237
00:18:12,750 --> 00:18:15,867
We got cash. We got cash
from that sale we made yesterday.
238
00:18:16,110 --> 00:18:18,226
Good thing we didn't change clothes.
239
00:18:42,350 --> 00:18:44,386
Hey, they're not coming.
240
00:18:44,630 --> 00:18:46,985
Then I guess
I should take off my condom.
241
00:18:53,070 --> 00:18:58,383
I believe it is the bad weather that is
preventing the girls from arriving.
242
00:19:01,150 --> 00:19:05,029
Hey, wake up and smell
the Slim Jims, Achmed.
243
00:19:05,790 --> 00:19:07,018
They're not coming.
244
00:19:07,270 --> 00:19:09,625
They never intended to.
245
00:19:17,310 --> 00:19:18,823
It's a woman!
246
00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:25,703
Guys. Guys. Hey, guys.
Please, back off.
247
00:19:25,950 --> 00:19:28,510
It's only Mrs. D'Arcy. Come on.
248
00:19:32,990 --> 00:19:34,742
Boys.
249
00:19:34,990 --> 00:19:37,709
Reminds me of my college days.
250
00:19:39,510 --> 00:19:40,829
What are you doing here?
251
00:19:41,070 --> 00:19:45,621
Well, your mother called from a float
somewhere on Bourbon Street...
252
00:19:45,870 --> 00:19:48,828
...to ask me to make sure your VCR
was set to tape Oprah...
253
00:19:49,070 --> 00:19:51,823
...because you were gonna be
in Fort Lauderdale.
254
00:19:52,390 --> 00:19:53,903
But you're not. What happened?
255
00:19:55,270 --> 00:19:56,908
We kind of got taken by some girls.
256
00:19:57,150 --> 00:19:58,503
We're not really sure how.
257
00:19:58,750 --> 00:20:03,107
We gave them our tickets,
and now they're not here.
258
00:20:05,910 --> 00:20:11,064
And now, live from Fort Lauderdale,the Spring-Break Dance Marathon.
259
00:20:11,310 --> 00:20:15,508
All proceeds will be donatedto CBS to pay Bill Cosby's salary.
260
00:20:25,230 --> 00:20:28,302
- That's our girls!
- They're having our fun.
261
00:20:28,550 --> 00:20:30,780
We could be dancing
with those guys.
262
00:20:34,630 --> 00:20:36,348
Don't feel too badly.
263
00:20:36,590 --> 00:20:40,981
Girls like that are just
cheap one-night stands.
264
00:20:41,230 --> 00:20:43,300
You all should be developing...
265
00:20:43,550 --> 00:20:49,182
...full, trusting relationships,
like I have with my Jefferson.
266
00:20:49,830 --> 00:20:54,301
Who even now is away at
computer camp trying to better himself.
267
00:20:57,110 --> 00:20:58,338
Mrs. D'Arcy...
268
00:21:10,510 --> 00:21:12,546
Road trip!
269
00:21:15,030 --> 00:21:18,386
Destination: Fort Lauderdale.
270
00:21:20,350 --> 00:21:23,228
Goal: Swift and terrible revenge.
271
00:21:23,470 --> 00:21:27,429
But it is a blizzard outside,
and all the roads are closed.
272
00:21:28,110 --> 00:21:31,546
I drive a Benz, and I'm pissed.
273
00:21:34,990 --> 00:21:37,140
Come, my geeks.
274
00:21:37,990 --> 00:21:40,823
Revenge will be ours!
21452
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