All language subtitles for Married.with.children.S10E16.SAiNTS.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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Griff, what's with
all the stampeding women?

Well, either Enoch the janitor's
dancing bottomless again...

...or Babcock Shoes is having
another sale.

I don't get it.

I've been working in the same mall
with Babcock for 20 years.

What does his shoe store have
that this one doesn't?

- Do you have any black pumps?
- Nope, never carry them.

Then I'm going to Babcock's.

Why does Floyd's business
do better?

You know, Griff, I think it's location.

I doubt it. Babcock's is between
World of Carbuncles...

...and House of Floss.

Well, whatever it is,
just once I'd like to beat him.

Griff, I'm gonna
have to do something crafty.

Maybe you could slip him
a stick of dynamite...

...cleverly disguised
as a Cuban cigar.

You idiot. Where am I gonna get
a Cuban cigar?

Griff, is it me or is there the smell
of Old Spice and bacon in the air?

- Hello, Babcock.
- Bundy, glad you're here.

Though, if you weren't,
sales might improve.

It's so busy at my store...

...that my son here, Little Floyd,
can't study.

If you're looking for peace and quiet,
don't take him home...

...where the Chicago Bulls
are practicing lay-ups with your wife.

An adultery joke. You see, Bundy...

...that doesn't work on a guy
with two beautiful mistresses.

- You didn't hear that.
- Yes, Dad.

Come on, Babcock.
You didn't bring your boy--

Who suspiciously looks
like Dennis Rodman.

--you didn't bring him down here
just to study.

You're right.
This is more of a life lesson.

You see, my son, Little Floyd,
and your son, Little Nobody...

...are in the same Entrepreneurial
Studies class at Trumaine.

And we both have to come up with
a product and a marketing campaign.

And you brought Little Dweeb-o here
to the mall...

...to see how real businesses work?

Yes, and to your store
to see how they don't work.

So you see, son, when you create
your marketing product...

...what are you not going to do?

Don't worry, Bundy, you'll beat me
at something someday, maybe.

Just kidding.

Your wife's uglier than my wife.

- Oh, good one, Al.
- That's it.

If I can't beat Babcock in business,
I'll beat him where it hurts.

In the nads?

Close. His son.

Great. I'll keep the car running...

...while you hit that little guy
with a bag of oranges.

That's what they expect me to do.

No. I'll get my revenge...

...when Bud beats Little Floyd
in his marketing project.

Bud's product, whatever it is...

...will be pure genius.

And now,
the Bundy hands-free page-turner.

This is what you're planning
on marketing?

I don't know why I let you put yourself
through college.

Son, don't you understand?
This project is very important?

I didn't know you cared so much
about my education.

Well, I don't.

This is about me and Floyd Babcock.

See, I've never been able
to beat him in business.

Yeah, so order some nice shoes
and have a sale.

Why would I work that hard
when I have you?

See, Bud, his son and you
are in the same class.

Now, all you have to do is get a
higher grade than him on this project...

...and I'll have my revenge.

See, this is exactly
why I didn't play Little League.

No, son, you didn't play Little League,
because you threw like a girl.

What sells in the '90s...

...is the same thing that has sold
since the beginning of time.

- What, shoes?
- Well, sure, of course.

That's why we're living here
in the lap of luxury.

Bud, I'm talking about sex.

So, what, you want me
to become a pimp?

No, you'd have to be able
to protect your girls for that.

Well, what then, Dad?

Why do I have to think of everything?
You're supposed to be the smart one.

- Hello.
- Hi, Al.

- Peg?
- Yeah, it's me.

I'm just on my way out to find Dad.

Well, when did you leave?

Yesterday.

Well, no wonder the sex was good
last night.

Oh, but don't worry, Al,
I'll be home just as soon as I find Dad.

And believe me,
I am leaving no stone unturned.

- Where are you?
- Well, I just left Tiffany's.

You wouldn't believe how big
some of their stones are.

You ought to see some of mine.

I just felt a big one leave my kidneys
and head for my urinary tract.

Now, look, Peg...

...don't go using this trip as an excuse
to spend all my money.

Al, I am trying to save
my parents' marriage.

This is not about you
and your stupid money.

Now, look, I gotta go.
I'll call you later.

- That was Mom?
- Yeah.

Yeah, she left us.

- Mom's gone?
- Yeah.

- Was it something I did?
- I don't know.

Maybe.

But, look, Bud, the important thing...

...is that you come up with a good idea
for this project.

One that'll beat Little Floyd.
Son, you're my last chance.

My children are my only hope.

Hey, you guys.

My new calendar came in.

The Buns of "USC."

Looks like it's just down to you, son.

Oh, my God, look at these buns.

Oh, I knew I should have gone
to "USC."

Kelly, I think you just "imbeciled"
onto a great idea.

What, sending me to "USC"?

No. Making a calendar like this
for Trumaine.

You wanna make a calendar
of men's butts?

No. I'm talking about doing a calendar
of the girls of Trumaine.

See, all I'll need is a camera
and 12 beautiful women.

Well, let's see.

You have your Lieutenant Uhura doll.

Barbie.

Isis.

Strawberry Shortcake.

Oh, and that little pink sock
you put on your hand and call Missy.

Yeah, go ahead and scoff now, Kel.

But if I put out a casting call
and say I'm making movies for HBO...

...beautiful women will come.

Oh, yes, they will come.

Oh, cool.

Page-turner for my calendar.

That-- That was great.

- That was the best shoot of the day.
- Thanks, bud.

I was a little nervous
about doing this...

...because, well, all my friends say
you're a perverted horndog.

- But you're really not.
- Oh, well, thanks.

By the way, did you drop
your contact lens on the floor there?

I thought I saw your...

Hey, Bud.

Move, you're blocking my shot.

It's okay, Jefferson.

I've got her covered from here.

Oh, man.

Hold it right there.

Well, I believe that we now
have photographed...

...the back of every shoebox
in Chicago.

Just as we intended...

...for that coffee-table book
of shoebox backs.

Well, to the Fotomat.

Run.

What is it?
Al, I'm trying to run a business.

But you wouldn't know
anything about that.

Yeah, like I wouldn't know about you
trying on women's shoes after closing.

You didn't hear that.

Babcock, I just brought you here
to show my genius son...

...and what his class project is.

It's the calendar of the girls
of Trumaine. She's Miss November.

It's not bad, Bundy,
but I'm sure my son can top that.

- What's your project Little Floyd?
- Okay.

I've invented a printer...

...that is simultaneously compatible
with both IBMs and Macintoshes.

It'll revolutionize
the computer industry.

You win, Bundy.

How dare you take my name,
Little Floyd?

From this moment forth,
I shall refer to you only as Little.

That's funny,
that's how Mom refers to you.

You didn't hear that.

Damned if I didn't.

Hey, I just remembered something.
I don't wear contact lenses.

I'll see you
in Astrophysics tomorrow, Bud.

I'll be right behind you.

You guys think she's great?

I've got Crystal Clark
to be on the cover of my calendar.

- You got Crystal Clark?
- Who's Crystal Clark?

Right here.

Al, I've got an idea.

Divorce our wives...

...and move to Saudi Arabia
so we can marry Crystal?

No.

Yes.

But first, I propose we talk
to a publisher friend of mine.

We can take this calendar national,
make ourselves a fortune.

- But we still marry Crystal?
- Oh, sure, sure.

Well, how much are you willing
to invest?

Ten thou.

Great. I'll throw in 10 too.

So we'll have $20,000.

No, we'll have $10,010.

Oh, it was my son Bud's idea.
I want half.

Forget it. Look, Bundy,
I'm taking all the risk.

I mean, what if
this is a touched-up picture?

- Hi, Crystal.
- Hi, Bud.

Well, I'm touched.

And I'm up.
Let's go fax this to the publisher.

So are you ready
for your photo shoot?

Sure. Who were those two
drooling geezers with Little Floyd?

Those-- Those were our fathers.

That was Big Floyd and Big Void.

Crystal, remember how I said
this was gonna be a class project?

Well, I've got great news.
We are going national.

This is gonna be sold coast-to-coast
and all you can say is, "Oh"?

I can also say I'm sorry, Bud,
I can't pose for your calendar anymore.

What do you mean
she doesn't wanna do it?

Don't you know how much money
I've got riding on this calendar?

- Oh, yeah, I know. You had $10, Dad.
- That's beside the point.

Don't you realize how many
hundreds of thousands of dollars...

...that $10 was going to earn?

You were gonna share how much
of that money with me?

Again we deviate from the point.

Look, Dad, I got her to come over.
I'll talk her into it, okay?

You better,
or I'm cutting you out of the will.

Wait a minute, that's no punishment.

I'm putting you in the will.

You'll owe millions.

Hi, Dad.

Kelly, I don't get it.

Why would Crystal not wanna be
in a national calendar?

I mean, if someone asked me
to pose in Speedos, I'd do it.

Gee, Bud, thanks for the visual.

Kelly, please help me.
Crystal's gonna be here any second.

I have no idea how I'm gonna
convince her to be in my calendar.

Well, why don't you try
being sincere?

What, you mean
like completely honest?

That goes against everything
I stand for.

That'd almost be like talking
to a guy.

Well, that's exactly how she'll feel.
Anyway, I'm gonna go upstairs...

...and finish reading my calendar
of the Buns of "UCLA."

- Hey, Bud. You wanted to see me?
- Yeah, Crystal.

I wanted to be sincere with you about
this calendar and what it means to me.

Okay.

Crystal...

...I don't talk about my brother much.

But, well, Judd and I...

...we were born Siamese twins.

We shared everything.
Well, we had to.

And then came that awful day
when we had to go our separate ways.

I went to school...

...and Judd went into a Mason jar.

We don't expect him
to live very long.

I mean, he's not much more
than an eye and a foot and some hair.

But you see,
I made him this solemn promise...

...that I would make him a calendar...

...of the best damn good-looking girls
at Trumaine.

So, Crystal,
if you can't do this for me...

...just do it for that little lost boy
in the Mason jar.

What do you say?

Okay.

The truth is, I really need you
to pose for this calendar...

...because without you,
it's nothing.

I'm sorry, Bud. I just can't pose
for a national calendar.

I mean, what if my parents saw me?

Yeah, but it's not like
you're gonna be nude or anything.

- Well, what would I be wearing?
- This.

- That?
- Yeah, yeah, it's a large.

I'm sorry, Bud, I just can't.
You don't understand.

Oh, Crystal, please, please.

Look, you've got nothing
to be ashamed of.

I mean, you got a great body.

And don't worry
about what your parents think.

Parents love their children
no matter what they do.

Damn you, Kelly!

You ate my last Hershey's Kiss!

- You're in the will!
- No, Dad, no!

Crystal, please.

You are the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen.

And I'm not just talking
on the outside.

I mean, you should be proud
of who you are.

You know, maybe doing this calendar
isn't such a bad idea after all.

I'll let my parents know
I've finally become a woman.

Thank you, Bud.

You don't know how much
this means to me.

And you don't know how much
that meant to me.

Yes.

Oh, man.

Is Crystal wearing
really, really short cutoff jeans...

...or does she just have
stonewashed skin?

It doesn't matter.

Hey, Floyd, next time, let's do
the 12 Months of Crystal calendar.

All Crystal, all the time.

I think I can dig up about 5 bucks.

Dad, guess what.

I got an A-plus on my project.

I knew you wouldn't let me down,
son.

- How'd you do, Little Floyd?
- I got an A.

Come on over here, son.

Not you.

Our son, mine and Al's.

Hey, guess what.
There's more great news.

Crystal's going on Chicago Live
to publicize the calendar.

Floyd, can you say:

Oh, I'm telling you, Dads...

...she is so hot,
I think I'm gonna ask her out tonight.

You can marry her with me and Floyd
for all I care.

As long as she keeps making
these calendars, she's family.

Hey. Hey, guys, be quiet.
Chicago Live is on.

Now, Crystal, what made you decide
to do a calendar like this?

A wonderful man named Bud Bundy.

With his kind words, he convinced me
that I have nothing to be ashamed of.

And he's quite the kisser.

Yes! Everyone knows I kissed her.
I am a god.

Now, Crystal...

...you said there's something
you wanted to tell the world...

...live on our show.

She's gonna propose to me.

I do.

Yes.

It's time for my family
and the rest of the world...

...to see the person I've become.

Bud Bundy has made me proud
to be a woman...

...who was born a man.