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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
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God, I love the girl
in this commercial.
2
00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:25,549
She almost makes me want to try
those feminine hygiene products.
3
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:30,835
Why don't you start
with a masculine hygiene product.
4
00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:33,077
Like soap.
5
00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:37,550
I just love the way she cartwheels
up and down the beach in that bikini.
6
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:39,756
Now, that's bouncing.
7
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:43,710
I mean, that's-- That's acting.
8
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:47,554
Do you notice anything else
about her?
9
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,599
Nope. Well, yeah, the product works.
10
00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:54,391
She's not cranky.
11
00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:57,353
But why should she be?
12
00:01:57,600 --> 00:01:59,272
Her agent is out getting her jobs...
13
00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:03,109
...while my agent is sitting here,
lusting after girls in commercials.
14
00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:05,749
Hey, I'm doing research, babe.
15
00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:09,597
Then won't you be needing
your blow-up assistant?
16
00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:13,075
Look, Bud.
You start getting me better parts...
17
00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:16,357
...or I'm going to find somebody else
who can, okay?
18
00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:19,316
You can't threaten me.
19
00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:22,950
What do you think?
You think you're my only client?
20
00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:25,271
Perhaps now isn't the best timeto mention...
21
00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:28,478
...I've left himfor the William Morris agency.
22
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:44,635
Al, even though it only happens
once every 10 years...
23
00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:46,836
...why do you insist
on dragging me along...
24
00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:49,389
...when you buy new underwear?
25
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:53,197
Well, you're the one that's got to
look at them when you wash them.
26
00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:57,799
I don't look at them
and I don't wash them.
27
00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:00,596
I just dry them.
28
00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:03,958
Well, I thought you liked shopping.
29
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:07,397
Well, I do. But for me.
30
00:03:07,640 --> 00:03:10,200
And you promised
we'd be home in time for Oprah.
31
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:14,069
Oh, and look. We missed
the opening shot of the audience.
32
00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:18,199
Well, you better hurry, Peg. You're
a box and a half of bonbons behind.
33
00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:21,830
You know how we can avoid
all these problems?
34
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,958
Heartfelt handshake,
we go our separate ways?
35
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,549
No. A satellite dish.
36
00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:32,950
Fine, satellite dish,
go our separate ways.
37
00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:37,078
Al, don't you get it?
If we had a satellite dish...
38
00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:41,074
...then I could watch Oprah
on East Coast or West Coast time...
39
00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:45,199
...and I wouldn't be a slave
to this Central Time schedule.
40
00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:48,675
So you can fit Oprah
into your busy schedule...
41
00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:51,957
...of loaf, nibble, snore...
42
00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:56,712
...watch, castrate husband...
43
00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:00,279
...loaf, loaf, snore.
44
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:02,519
I knew you'd see it my way.
45
00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:06,593
Peg, we got over 200 stations
on this cable thing now...
46
00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:08,512
...and all you do all day
is watch TV.
47
00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:12,912
If we had had the satellite dish,
you'd watch TV all day and all night.
48
00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:25,395
Let's do it, Peg.
49
00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:37,312
You know, Ariel, when I saw you
doing cartwheels in that bikini...
50
00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:38,788
...I said to myself:
51
00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:42,635
"Now, there is a girl
with an enormous pair of talents...
52
00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:46,352
...that could use--
Could use better representation."
53
00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:47,828
Do you really think so?
54
00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:51,790
Oh, my God. They talk.
55
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:59,310
I mean, yeah. That's--
That's why I brought you over here.
56
00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:02,393
See, I think it's time you signed
with a successful agent...
57
00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:04,631
...who'll send your career
to the next level.
58
00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:06,279
It's tempting...
59
00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:07,999
...but if you're so successful...
60
00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:10,913
...why is your office
in your parents' house?
61
00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:15,749
I cut down on overhead.
62
00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:20,632
See, that way, I can plow all my
profits back to where they should go:
63
00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:22,757
Gifts for you.
64
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:26,278
Bud, you seem so honest
and sincere.
65
00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:28,715
What do you say
we set up a trial arrangement...
66
00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:33,033
...see how things go,
and seal the deal with some sex?
67
00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:37,394
See--
68
00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:40,108
See, what I had in mind...
69
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:44,028
What?
70
00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:45,838
Now, are you sure you're good?
71
00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:48,713
Oh, baby, you're gonna know
in about two minutes.
72
00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:03,596
Bud, you are the worst agent
in the entire world...
73
00:06:03,840 --> 00:06:06,354
...and the state of Chicago.
74
00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:11,634
- Kelly?
- How could you send me out...
75
00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:14,274
...on a Depend commercial?
76
00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:21,878
You told me that it was for lingerie.
77
00:06:23,760 --> 00:06:24,988
It is.
78
00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:27,037
It's lingerie that...
79
00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:29,157
...absorbs accidents.
80
00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:33,999
Bud, you are fired.
81
00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:36,151
I'm going to find myself a real agent.
82
00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:40,395
I wonder who represents Pocahontas.
She's in everything.
83
00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:46,835
So where were we?
84
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:49,713
You were about to go
to the refrigerator to get some ice.
85
00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:52,079
Ice?
86
00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:55,392
- What for?
- Your black eye.
87
00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:02,628
You just-- You just ruined the
best two minutes of your life.
88
00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:09,358
Boy, is he a train to nowhere.
89
00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:11,838
Peggy...
90
00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:14,596
...I can't believe...
91
00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:21,118
...you convinced Al
to spend $700 on a satellite dish...
92
00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:25,399
...when he won't even shell out
3 bucks for deodorant.
93
00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:27,998
Well, in Al's defense...
94
00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:32,916
...unlike deodorant, there's actually
a shot he might use the satellite.
95
00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:34,959
Oh, Marcie, look at this.
96
00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:38,755
Look at all the Oprah specials
you can get on satellite.
97
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,070
The Making of Oprah.
98
00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:43,914
Baking With Oprah.
99
00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:47,670
The Pre-Oprah Show-prah.
100
00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:51,477
Hey, Peg.
101
00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:57,872
Peg.
102
00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:00,398
I was on my way to the store,
I said:
103
00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:04,235
"What am I going to spend $700 for
on a thing I can get for $23.95...
104
00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:06,710
...at Crazy Achmed's?"
105
00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:12,793
And Achmed throws in
all the roasted goat you can eat.
106
00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:16,078
No dinner for me tonight, Peg.
107
00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:19,069
Yeah, like you were going to get some.
108
00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:21,515
Back at you, Peg.
109
00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:26,395
Are you sure that's the same quality
satellite as everyone else is selling?
110
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:28,836
That's why they call him crazy.
111
00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:33,358
Well, that, and because
he also sells plutonium.
112
00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,436
Actually, I don't care
where you bought it...
113
00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:40,831
...as long as the installer
hooks it up in time for...
114
00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:45,716
...Andrew Lloyd Webber's
Phantom of the Oprah«/i».
115
00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:50,555
That's the other great news, Peg.
116
00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:55,510
Achmed convinced you that even
a shoe salesman can install it?
117
00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:59,995
He didn't have to.
It says that right here on the box.
118
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,111
Well, I'm going to go set up
the ladder.
119
00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:05,870
I'm going to set up the funeral.
120
00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:20,795
What are you two laughing about?
121
00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:23,555
You don't think we can get it up?
122
00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:30,796
Scoff all you want, Peg.
123
00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:34,919
But in five minutes,
when I install this dish...
124
00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:38,869
...then you'll be nagging out of
the other side of that couch, Peg.
125
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:41,636
Five minutes, Peg.
126
00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:44,838
Jefferson, here we go.
127
00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:46,149
Come on. Come on.
128
00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:50,314
This is going to be so much fun.
I feel like a kid at Christmas.
129
00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:53,194
Yeah, well, get ready
to open your present.
130
00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:54,589
Five...
131
00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:56,068
...four...
132
00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:59,312
- ...three--
- Watch it, Jefferson!
133
00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:07,119
A little early.
134
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:13,438
- Five minutes, Peg.
- Al, I'm slipping!
135
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,755
Well, we did it. We did it.
136
00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:30,990
You actually installed the dish?
137
00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:33,834
No, we actually opened the box.
138
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:44,317
Yeah, we showed those five heavy
staples not to mess with real men.
139
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,714
What's Dumber doing?
140
00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:53,717
He's up there laying the pieces out.
141
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:56,992
Is that such a good idea
on a pitched roof?
142
00:10:57,600 --> 00:11:00,433
Marcie, I'm sure Al knows
what he's doing.
143
00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:03,877
Hey, Al!
Is everything okay up there?
144
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:05,872
- Never better. Watch it.
- See what I--
145
00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:13,992
Jefferson?
146
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:19,031
Jefferson, I heard a shattering sound.
Did the dish break?
147
00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:22,912
No. That was my skull!
148
00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:27,472
Good. Walk it off
and Frisbee the dish back up here.
149
00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:38,516
Sorry, Al.
150
00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:48,957
Mr. D'Arcy, I need some advice.
151
00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:50,838
Kelly fired me as her agent.
152
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,753
If I don't get her back,
I'll have to go and get a real job.
153
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,639
This is an emergency.
154
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:03,878
I'm slipping, Jefferson.
Help me, buddy.
155
00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:07,669
Look, Bud, today's agent succeeds
by ripping off what's hot.
156
00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:12,311
So you got to create your own project
and hire Kelly to star in it.
157
00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:17,474
Help me. Help me.
158
00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:21,118
Create my own project.
Now, that's a good idea.
159
00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:25,433
But what kind of--?
What kind of projects?
160
00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:30,515
Jefferson. Jefferson.
I can't feel your hands.
161
00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:36,190
Well, let me think. Something--
Something sexy, something sleazy.
162
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,670
Something I would buy.
163
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:40,438
Hey, hey, hey. I got it, I got it.
164
00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:44,952
A workout video full of gorgeous babes
jumping up and down.
165
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:46,713
A workout video? That's perfect.
166
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,793
I'll have Kelly do an exercise video.
167
00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:52,788
Yeah, that would work.
168
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:56,390
Jefferson. Jefferson.
169
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:59,592
I'm hanging by my chin here!
170
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:04,710
All right. I'm gonna go to the bank
right now and get a loan.
171
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:06,313
Thanks so much, Mr. D'Arcy.
172
00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:09,916
Hey, if I'm one thing,
I'm always there for my friends.
173
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:13,197
What are Shemp and Curly doing now?
174
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,398
They're measuring the roof.
175
00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:22,995
Okay, Al, I've got the end of the tape.
Now, how far to the edge?
176
00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:24,912
Four feet.
177
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:26,513
Five feet.
178
00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:29,718
Six feet!
179
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:39,548
Five and a half feet.
180
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:43,233
Where are you, Al?
181
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:46,074
I'm right here, Jefferson.
182
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:54,593
Five more minutes, Al?
183
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:57,480
At the outside, Peg.
184
00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:02,195
Well, listen. We're about to put up
the electrical wiring.
185
00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:06,672
So whatever you do, do not watch
the TV. Don't turn it on, Peg.
186
00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:09,752
Okay, Al.
187
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:16,549
I can't believe it. Every single bank
in Chicago turned me down.
188
00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:19,599
So my faxes got through.
189
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:34,071
The guy on TV looks just like Dad.
190
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,428
Except this guy's on fire.
191
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:39,558
Oh, that's cool.
192
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:41,836
And now a word from our sponsor.
193
00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:44,753
I'm Vito Capone. No relation.
194
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:46,319
If you're a worthless bum...
195
00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:48,676
...who's been turned downby every bank...
196
00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:53,072
...then catch the bus or have yourmommy drive you down to Moneyland.
197
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:56,118
We turn down no one.
198
00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:57,548
So come on by.
199
00:15:57,800 --> 00:16:01,759
We're conveniently locatedin the trunk of my car.
200
00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:06,671
So call 1-800-HORSEHEAD.
201
00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:11,477
Horsehead.
202
00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:21,433
Well, Bud, like so many women
have told you before...
203
00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:24,114
...I have found somebody better.
204
00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:26,797
I'm signing with a new agent.
205
00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:29,349
He represents the Bay City Rollers...
206
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:31,352
...Milli Vanilli...
207
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:34,478
...the entire Buttafuoco family.
208
00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:37,153
Except Joey.
209
00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:40,231
Oh, that's too bad, Kel.
210
00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:43,233
Just when I needed someone
to be in my new workout video...
211
00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:45,670
...that I'm producing and directing.
212
00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:48,480
Who, oh, who
will I ever get to star in it?
213
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:51,873
Me, me, me!
214
00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:55,749
Oh, but dash it all,
I don't represent you anymore.
215
00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:58,436
I could re-sign.
216
00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:06,195
Kel, you have made
an excellent decision.
217
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:07,919
As your agent, I'll work hard...
218
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:11,994
...because opportunities like this
just don't drop out of the sky.
219
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,433
Hi, Mr. Bundy.
220
00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:37,352
Hey, babes.
221
00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:39,673
Is it...?
222
00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:42,559
Is it cool in here or is it me?
223
00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:45,513
It's me.
224
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:47,591
It's definitely you.
225
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:54,074
What are these people doing?
226
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,349
Kelly, they're background
dancercisers.
227
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:00,799
Thanks for the gift.
228
00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:05,079
No one's ever given me panties
filled with potpourri before.
229
00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:09,832
Where did you find them?
230
00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:13,789
- In the lingerie department at--
- Oh, not the panties, you idiot.
231
00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:16,710
- The girls.
- They found me.
232
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:19,997
When word got out there was a
Bud Bundy-Moneyland co-production...
233
00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:21,275
...they just came running.
234
00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:23,636
Yeah, but I'm still the star, right?
235
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:26,711
Would your agent lie to you?
236
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:29,070
Hello, Mr. Director.
237
00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:31,788
I'm ready for my video.
238
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:36,108
What is he talking about?
239
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:38,396
You did an excellent job...
240
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:41,438
...casting women who will
look longingly at my buttocks...
241
00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:44,990
...as I stretch and bend.
242
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:55,757
Excuse us, uno pimento.
243
00:18:57,520 --> 00:19:01,149
Okay, who's the Irish guy, huh?
244
00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:04,439
You mean Raphael?
245
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:07,033
He's another background dancer.
246
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:10,113
Kelly, I just got him
so he could appeal to the women.
247
00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:11,952
Really?
248
00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:14,469
Would your director lie to you?
249
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:17,632
Excuse me. Mr. Scorsese?
250
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:24,153
Just call me by my nickname,
Bud Bundy. Everybody calls me that.
251
00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:27,358
Who is the natural blond?
252
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:30,316
I don't see one.
253
00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:32,549
That one.
254
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:38,318
The one who is rudely avoiding
the temptation to stare at me.
255
00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:40,359
Her? That's--
256
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:44,593
That's Kelly. She's a dancer.
She's nothing. She's garbage.
257
00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:48,276
I just got her
so she could appeal to the men.
258
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:52,834
Just as long as everyone knows
that Raphael is the star.
259
00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:56,353
Would your producer lie to you?
260
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:00,716
Bud.
261
00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:02,876
- Mr. Capone.
- Hey.
262
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:04,519
Welcome.
263
00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:06,557
Nice.
264
00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:11,476
And this is my sister, Kelly,
the collateral we spoke of.
265
00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:16,231
- And that, there, is Rafael.
- You did a good job, Bud.
266
00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:20,268
- This video will make us a lot of money.
- Yeah, you think so?
267
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:23,512
Would a guy who holds your
life in his hands lie to you?
268
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:28,589
- Good point.
- So I can expect my video at 5:00?
269
00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:32,635
- I'd stake my life on it.
- Oh, so you read the contract.
270
00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:35,796
What do you mean
that you're the star?
271
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:37,917
Bud told me that I was the star.
272
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:41,038
That's funny.
Bud told me you were garbage.
273
00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:43,430
Raphael is the only star.
274
00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:47,230
Well, if I am not the star,
then I am walking.
275
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:53,310
Oh, yeah? Well, either if Raphael
is not the star, he is walking.
276
00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:55,516
Do not try and stop him.
277
00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:03,358
Don't worry. They'll come around.
278
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:05,318
You know how temperamental
actors are.
279
00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:07,630
It may be a week.
May be-- May be a month.
280
00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:09,074
You have until 5.
281
00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:14,679
You got a great sense of humor,
Mr. Capone.
282
00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:17,710
Yes, I do, Bud. Unfortunately...
283
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:20,520
...Gino, who I'm leaving here
to see you're on time...
284
00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:23,991
...has no sense of humor whatsoever.
Yo, Gino!
21827
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