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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:21,590 God, I love the girl in this commercial. 2 00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:25,549 She almost makes me want to try those feminine hygiene products. 3 00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:30,835 Why don't you start with a masculine hygiene product. 4 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:33,077 Like soap. 5 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:37,550 I just love the way she cartwheels up and down the beach in that bikini. 6 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:39,756 Now, that's bouncing. 7 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:43,710 I mean, that's-- That's acting. 8 00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:47,554 Do you notice anything else about her? 9 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,599 Nope. Well, yeah, the product works. 10 00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:54,391 She's not cranky. 11 00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:57,353 But why should she be? 12 00:01:57,600 --> 00:01:59,272 Her agent is out getting her jobs... 13 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:03,109 ...while my agent is sitting here, lusting after girls in commercials. 14 00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:05,749 Hey, I'm doing research, babe. 15 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:09,597 Then won't you be needing your blow-up assistant? 16 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:13,075 Look, Bud. You start getting me better parts... 17 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:16,357 ...or I'm going to find somebody else who can, okay? 18 00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:19,316 You can't threaten me. 19 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:22,950 What do you think? You think you're my only client? 20 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:25,271 Perhaps now isn't the best time to mention... 21 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:28,478 ...I've left him for the William Morris agency. 22 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:44,635 Al, even though it only happens once every 10 years... 23 00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:46,836 ...why do you insist on dragging me along... 24 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:49,389 ...when you buy new underwear? 25 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:53,197 Well, you're the one that's got to look at them when you wash them. 26 00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:57,799 I don't look at them and I don't wash them. 27 00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:00,596 I just dry them. 28 00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:03,958 Well, I thought you liked shopping. 29 00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:07,397 Well, I do. But for me. 30 00:03:07,640 --> 00:03:10,200 And you promised we'd be home in time for Oprah. 31 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:14,069 Oh, and look. We missed the opening shot of the audience. 32 00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:18,199 Well, you better hurry, Peg. You're a box and a half of bonbons behind. 33 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:21,830 You know how we can avoid all these problems? 34 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,958 Heartfelt handshake, we go our separate ways? 35 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,549 No. A satellite dish. 36 00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:32,950 Fine, satellite dish, go our separate ways. 37 00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:37,078 Al, don't you get it? If we had a satellite dish... 38 00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:41,074 ...then I could watch Oprah on East Coast or West Coast time... 39 00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:45,199 ...and I wouldn't be a slave to this Central Time schedule. 40 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:48,675 So you can fit Oprah into your busy schedule... 41 00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:51,957 ...of loaf, nibble, snore... 42 00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:56,712 ...watch, castrate husband... 43 00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:00,279 ...loaf, loaf, snore. 44 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:02,519 I knew you'd see it my way. 45 00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:06,593 Peg, we got over 200 stations on this cable thing now... 46 00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:08,512 ...and all you do all day is watch TV. 47 00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:12,912 If we had had the satellite dish, you'd watch TV all day and all night. 48 00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:25,395 Let's do it, Peg. 49 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:37,312 You know, Ariel, when I saw you doing cartwheels in that bikini... 50 00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:38,788 ...I said to myself: 51 00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:42,635 "Now, there is a girl with an enormous pair of talents... 52 00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:46,352 ...that could use-- Could use better representation." 53 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:47,828 Do you really think so? 54 00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:51,790 Oh, my God. They talk. 55 00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:59,310 I mean, yeah. That's-- That's why I brought you over here. 56 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:02,393 See, I think it's time you signed with a successful agent... 57 00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:04,631 ...who'll send your career to the next level. 58 00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:06,279 It's tempting... 59 00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:07,999 ...but if you're so successful... 60 00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:10,913 ...why is your office in your parents' house? 61 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:15,749 I cut down on overhead. 62 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:20,632 See, that way, I can plow all my profits back to where they should go: 63 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:22,757 Gifts for you. 64 00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:26,278 Bud, you seem so honest and sincere. 65 00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:28,715 What do you say we set up a trial arrangement... 66 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:33,033 ...see how things go, and seal the deal with some sex? 67 00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:37,394 See-- 68 00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:40,108 See, what I had in mind... 69 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:44,028 What? 70 00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:45,838 Now, are you sure you're good? 71 00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:48,713 Oh, baby, you're gonna know in about two minutes. 72 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:03,596 Bud, you are the worst agent in the entire world... 73 00:06:03,840 --> 00:06:06,354 ...and the state of Chicago. 74 00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:11,634 - Kelly? - How could you send me out... 75 00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:14,274 ...on a Depend commercial? 76 00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:21,878 You told me that it was for lingerie. 77 00:06:23,760 --> 00:06:24,988 It is. 78 00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:27,037 It's lingerie that... 79 00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:29,157 ...absorbs accidents. 80 00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:33,999 Bud, you are fired. 81 00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:36,151 I'm going to find myself a real agent. 82 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:40,395 I wonder who represents Pocahontas. She's in everything. 83 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:46,835 So where were we? 84 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:49,713 You were about to go to the refrigerator to get some ice. 85 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:52,079 Ice? 86 00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:55,392 - What for? - Your black eye. 87 00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:02,628 You just-- You just ruined the best two minutes of your life. 88 00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:09,358 Boy, is he a train to nowhere. 89 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:11,838 Peggy... 90 00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:14,596 ...I can't believe... 91 00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:21,118 ...you convinced Al to spend $700 on a satellite dish... 92 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:25,399 ...when he won't even shell out 3 bucks for deodorant. 93 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:27,998 Well, in Al's defense... 94 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:32,916 ...unlike deodorant, there's actually a shot he might use the satellite. 95 00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:34,959 Oh, Marcie, look at this. 96 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:38,755 Look at all the Oprah specials you can get on satellite. 97 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,070 The Making of Oprah. 98 00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:43,914 Baking With Oprah. 99 00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:47,670 The Pre-Oprah Show-prah. 100 00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:51,477 Hey, Peg. 101 00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:57,872 Peg. 102 00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:00,398 I was on my way to the store, I said: 103 00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:04,235 "What am I going to spend $700 for on a thing I can get for $23.95... 104 00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:06,710 ...at Crazy Achmed's?" 105 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:12,793 And Achmed throws in all the roasted goat you can eat. 106 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:16,078 No dinner for me tonight, Peg. 107 00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:19,069 Yeah, like you were going to get some. 108 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:21,515 Back at you, Peg. 109 00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:26,395 Are you sure that's the same quality satellite as everyone else is selling? 110 00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:28,836 That's why they call him crazy. 111 00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:33,358 Well, that, and because he also sells plutonium. 112 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,436 Actually, I don't care where you bought it... 113 00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:40,831 ...as long as the installer hooks it up in time for... 114 00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:45,716 ...Andrew Lloyd Webber's Phantom of the Oprah«/i». 115 00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:50,555 That's the other great news, Peg. 116 00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:55,510 Achmed convinced you that even a shoe salesman can install it? 117 00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:59,995 He didn't have to. It says that right here on the box. 118 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,111 Well, I'm going to go set up the ladder. 119 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:05,870 I'm going to set up the funeral. 120 00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:20,795 What are you two laughing about? 121 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:23,555 You don't think we can get it up? 122 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:30,796 Scoff all you want, Peg. 123 00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:34,919 But in five minutes, when I install this dish... 124 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:38,869 ...then you'll be nagging out of the other side of that couch, Peg. 125 00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:41,636 Five minutes, Peg. 126 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:44,838 Jefferson, here we go. 127 00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:46,149 Come on. Come on. 128 00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:50,314 This is going to be so much fun. I feel like a kid at Christmas. 129 00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:53,194 Yeah, well, get ready to open your present. 130 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:54,589 Five... 131 00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:56,068 ...four... 132 00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:59,312 - ...three-- - Watch it, Jefferson! 133 00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:07,119 A little early. 134 00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:13,438 - Five minutes, Peg. - Al, I'm slipping! 135 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,755 Well, we did it. We did it. 136 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:30,990 You actually installed the dish? 137 00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:33,834 No, we actually opened the box. 138 00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:44,317 Yeah, we showed those five heavy staples not to mess with real men. 139 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,714 What's Dumber doing? 140 00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:53,717 He's up there laying the pieces out. 141 00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:56,992 Is that such a good idea on a pitched roof? 142 00:10:57,600 --> 00:11:00,433 Marcie, I'm sure Al knows what he's doing. 143 00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:03,877 Hey, Al! Is everything okay up there? 144 00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:05,872 - Never better. Watch it. - See what I-- 145 00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:13,992 Jefferson? 146 00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:19,031 Jefferson, I heard a shattering sound. Did the dish break? 147 00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:22,912 No. That was my skull! 148 00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:27,472 Good. Walk it off and Frisbee the dish back up here. 149 00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:38,516 Sorry, Al. 150 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:48,957 Mr. D'Arcy, I need some advice. 151 00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:50,838 Kelly fired me as her agent. 152 00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,753 If I don't get her back, I'll have to go and get a real job. 153 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,639 This is an emergency. 154 00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:03,878 I'm slipping, Jefferson. Help me, buddy. 155 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:07,669 Look, Bud, today's agent succeeds by ripping off what's hot. 156 00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:12,311 So you got to create your own project and hire Kelly to star in it. 157 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:17,474 Help me. Help me. 158 00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:21,118 Create my own project. Now, that's a good idea. 159 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:25,433 But what kind of--? What kind of projects? 160 00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:30,515 Jefferson. Jefferson. I can't feel your hands. 161 00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:36,190 Well, let me think. Something-- Something sexy, something sleazy. 162 00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,670 Something I would buy. 163 00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:40,438 Hey, hey, hey. I got it, I got it. 164 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:44,952 A workout video full of gorgeous babes jumping up and down. 165 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:46,713 A workout video? That's perfect. 166 00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,793 I'll have Kelly do an exercise video. 167 00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:52,788 Yeah, that would work. 168 00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:56,390 Jefferson. Jefferson. 169 00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:59,592 I'm hanging by my chin here! 170 00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:04,710 All right. I'm gonna go to the bank right now and get a loan. 171 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:06,313 Thanks so much, Mr. D'Arcy. 172 00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:09,916 Hey, if I'm one thing, I'm always there for my friends. 173 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:13,197 What are Shemp and Curly doing now? 174 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,398 They're measuring the roof. 175 00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:22,995 Okay, Al, I've got the end of the tape. Now, how far to the edge? 176 00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:24,912 Four feet. 177 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:26,513 Five feet. 178 00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:29,718 Six feet! 179 00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:39,548 Five and a half feet. 180 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:43,233 Where are you, Al? 181 00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:46,074 I'm right here, Jefferson. 182 00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:54,593 Five more minutes, Al? 183 00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:57,480 At the outside, Peg. 184 00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:02,195 Well, listen. We're about to put up the electrical wiring. 185 00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:06,672 So whatever you do, do not watch the TV. Don't turn it on, Peg. 186 00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:09,752 Okay, Al. 187 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:16,549 I can't believe it. Every single bank in Chicago turned me down. 188 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:19,599 So my faxes got through. 189 00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:34,071 The guy on TV looks just like Dad. 190 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,428 Except this guy's on fire. 191 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:39,558 Oh, that's cool. 192 00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:41,836 And now a word from our sponsor. 193 00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:44,753 I'm Vito Capone. No relation. 194 00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:46,319 If you're a worthless bum... 195 00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:48,676 ...who's been turned down by every bank... 196 00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:53,072 ...then catch the bus or have your mommy drive you down to Moneyland. 197 00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:56,118 We turn down no one. 198 00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:57,548 So come on by. 199 00:15:57,800 --> 00:16:01,759 We're conveniently located in the trunk of my car. 200 00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:06,671 So call 1-800-HORSEHEAD. 201 00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:11,477 Horsehead. 202 00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:21,433 Well, Bud, like so many women have told you before... 203 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:24,114 ...I have found somebody better. 204 00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:26,797 I'm signing with a new agent. 205 00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:29,349 He represents the Bay City Rollers... 206 00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:31,352 ...Milli Vanilli... 207 00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:34,478 ...the entire Buttafuoco family. 208 00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:37,153 Except Joey. 209 00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:40,231 Oh, that's too bad, Kel. 210 00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:43,233 Just when I needed someone to be in my new workout video... 211 00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:45,670 ...that I'm producing and directing. 212 00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:48,480 Who, oh, who will I ever get to star in it? 213 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:51,873 Me, me, me! 214 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:55,749 Oh, but dash it all, I don't represent you anymore. 215 00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:58,436 I could re-sign. 216 00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:06,195 Kel, you have made an excellent decision. 217 00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:07,919 As your agent, I'll work hard... 218 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:11,994 ...because opportunities like this just don't drop out of the sky. 219 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,433 Hi, Mr. Bundy. 220 00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:37,352 Hey, babes. 221 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:39,673 Is it...? 222 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:42,559 Is it cool in here or is it me? 223 00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:45,513 It's me. 224 00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:47,591 It's definitely you. 225 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:54,074 What are these people doing? 226 00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,349 Kelly, they're background dancercisers. 227 00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:00,799 Thanks for the gift. 228 00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:05,079 No one's ever given me panties filled with potpourri before. 229 00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:09,832 Where did you find them? 230 00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:13,789 - In the lingerie department at-- - Oh, not the panties, you idiot. 231 00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:16,710 - The girls. - They found me. 232 00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:19,997 When word got out there was a Bud Bundy-Moneyland co-production... 233 00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:21,275 ...they just came running. 234 00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:23,636 Yeah, but I'm still the star, right? 235 00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:26,711 Would your agent lie to you? 236 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:29,070 Hello, Mr. Director. 237 00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:31,788 I'm ready for my video. 238 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:36,108 What is he talking about? 239 00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:38,396 You did an excellent job... 240 00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:41,438 ...casting women who will look longingly at my buttocks... 241 00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:44,990 ...as I stretch and bend. 242 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:55,757 Excuse us, uno pimento. 243 00:18:57,520 --> 00:19:01,149 Okay, who's the Irish guy, huh? 244 00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:04,439 You mean Raphael? 245 00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:07,033 He's another background dancer. 246 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:10,113 Kelly, I just got him so he could appeal to the women. 247 00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:11,952 Really? 248 00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:14,469 Would your director lie to you? 249 00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:17,632 Excuse me. Mr. Scorsese? 250 00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:24,153 Just call me by my nickname, Bud Bundy. Everybody calls me that. 251 00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:27,358 Who is the natural blond? 252 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:30,316 I don't see one. 253 00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:32,549 That one. 254 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:38,318 The one who is rudely avoiding the temptation to stare at me. 255 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:40,359 Her? That's-- 256 00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:44,593 That's Kelly. She's a dancer. She's nothing. She's garbage. 257 00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:48,276 I just got her so she could appeal to the men. 258 00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:52,834 Just as long as everyone knows that Raphael is the star. 259 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:56,353 Would your producer lie to you? 260 00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:00,716 Bud. 261 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:02,876 - Mr. Capone. - Hey. 262 00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:04,519 Welcome. 263 00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:06,557 Nice. 264 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:11,476 And this is my sister, Kelly, the collateral we spoke of. 265 00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:16,231 - And that, there, is Rafael. - You did a good job, Bud. 266 00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:20,268 - This video will make us a lot of money. - Yeah, you think so? 267 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:23,512 Would a guy who holds your life in his hands lie to you? 268 00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:28,589 - Good point. - So I can expect my video at 5:00? 269 00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:32,635 - I'd stake my life on it. - Oh, so you read the contract. 270 00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:35,796 What do you mean that you're the star? 271 00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:37,917 Bud told me that I was the star. 272 00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:41,038 That's funny. Bud told me you were garbage. 273 00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:43,430 Raphael is the only star. 274 00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:47,230 Well, if I am not the star, then I am walking. 275 00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:53,310 Oh, yeah? Well, either if Raphael is not the star, he is walking. 276 00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:55,516 Do not try and stop him. 277 00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:03,358 Don't worry. They'll come around. 278 00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:05,318 You know how temperamental actors are. 279 00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:07,630 It may be a week. May be-- May be a month. 280 00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:09,074 You have until 5. 281 00:21:12,040 --> 00:21:14,679 You got a great sense of humor, Mr. Capone. 282 00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:17,710 Yes, I do, Bud. Unfortunately... 283 00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:20,520 ...Gino, who I'm leaving here to see you're on time... 284 00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:23,991 ...has no sense of humor whatsoever. Yo, Gino! 21827

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