All language subtitles for Married.with.children.S10E05.SAiNTS.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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Peg.

Bud.

Would you get the door?
My arms are full.

- Coming.
- Coming.

There's no place like home.

Al, if you're gonna come in,
could you shut the door?

Peg, if you're gonna live here,
could you shut your mouth?

You know, Peg, this dog is chewing
a hole in our budget.

Look at these.
Kibbles, dog biscuits, Liver Snaps.

Well, actually, Al, those are for Mom.

Oh, why didn't you say so?

Oh, food.
An escape from this hellhole.

Bud, you're in college.

I mean, you don't go to parties
or get laid or anything...

...but you did take classes, right?

- Is there a point to this barrage, Dad?
- Is there?

Oh, that's right, you're smart.

Where the hell is
my paycheck going?

Luckily, Dad, I've put all the family
finances right here in this computer.

You put something I don't have
into something I don't understand.

You know, that reminds me
of our sex life.

That's putting something I have
in something I don't like.

Dad, look.

Look, here's a list of all the salaries
of all the occupations in the world.

And here is what you make.

That's what I make?

I'm a paperboy.

Oh, no, Al, paperboys
can afford bicycles.

There must be someone out there
that makes less than I do.

Mom, Dad, Bud.

You'll never guess what I got.

A better game would be
Guess What You Haven't Got.

I'll take Virginity for $100.

Oh, that's funny. Nobody will take
yours for less than a thousand.

Anyway, I got a part in a TV movie.

Who are you gonna play, honey?

Madame Curie.

To prepare for the part, I thought
I'd get some firsthand experience...

...of what it's like to be Madame.

Does anyone know where there's
a brothel around here?

Well, there's Howie's down by
the airport but--

I mean, Madame Curie's
not a hooker.

No, she's a famous French chemist
who discovered radium...

...down by the airport.

Now, what am I gonna do?

I still have to research
Madame Curie...

...but I don't know anything
about "science."

Kel, that's science, not "science".
The C is silent.

I knew I should have stayed in...

...shool.

Look, Bud, you're my manager.

Please do something to earn
your 75 percent.

Peg, come here.

A Pakistani dirt vendor makes
more than I do.

Yeah, and he probably smells better.

Probably has reason to.

I got it, Kel. I got it.

I'll set you up with this scientist
I know at the university.

All you do,
pretend you're a professor.

Okay, but, I mean, I think I'd make a
more convincing Ginger or Mary Ann...

...don't you think?

You must be the new professor.

You must be Gilligan. Hi.

Kelly Bundy at your service.

So Bud tells me you're in aerospace.

Yeah, well...

...it's not rocket science,
but what is?

Right. So what are you
working on now?

Well, I just received a grant
from the Crayola company...

...to invent a new color.

Bleen.

Bleen?

Is that a mixture of blue and green?

No, of blood and spleen.

You know, it's for the kids
who wanna draw accidents. Yeah.

Really? You would think that Crayola
would have enough colors already.

Well, not anymore.

See, they had to get rid
of black and white...

...you know, to be politically correct.

They were gonna mix the two together
and call it blite...

...but the guy who invented grey
back in '74 threatened to sue, so...

All right.

So, what's your field?

- Alchogorentology.
- Oh, right.

What's alchorathincology?

It's a study of that age-old question:

How much booze can a rat drink
before he explodes?

- Kennedy grant?
- Exactly.

Now, this is your
lab station, right here.

Oh, great.

Just like a smaller version
of the one I have at home.

That reminds me.

Make sure you take all your findings
with you when you leave.

After all, this is academia.
Thievery runs rampant here.

I think I'm gonna like science.

It's like shopping at the mall.

All right.

Now, here's someone who might
make less than your father.

Eskimo blubber-chewer.

Nope.

Check French deodorant salesman.

Not even close.

Hey, guys.

Today was my last day at the lab.

It's a good thing too, because there
was nothing left to take.

But you know what?
I really got into my character.

And just like Madame Curie...

...I threw a bunch of cool,
deadly chemicals together...

...and I invented something.
The color bleen.

Mom, check brain-dead blond.

They make way more
than your father.

Kelly, where exactly
is this color bleen now?

Well, since it's a level three
biohazard...

...I had to put it where nobody
would go.

So I put it in Dad's shower.

You know, I never thought I'd say it,
but I really enjoyed that shower.

You didn't wash your hair,
did you, Daddy?

No, I'm wearing this towel...

...because I wanna get a job
as a New York City cabby.

You didn't use the bottle marked
"Bleen," did you?

Sure did.

It's great. It tingles.
It's just like the commercial says.

My whole scalp feels alive.

Honey, when you only bathe once
every two months, your scalp is alive.

Daddy, Bleen is not a shampoo.

It's a bunch of deadly chemicals
that I mixed together at the lab.

It's possible that this tingling you're
feeling could be a massive stroke.

Either way, I thank you.

I love Bleen.

What?

How do I look?

Jumping Jehoshaphat, I'm a hunk!

I'm a dude.

I'm a hunky dude!

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

Wow, Al, you have hair.

- How did that happen?
- Who cares?

All I know is that Kelly's Bleen
has grown...

...what 25 years of you
has withered away.

Kelly, man has been seeking
the cure for baldness...

...since the invention
of the younger woman.

This may make me rich!

But don't you mean make us rich?

No.

Well, it's Kelly's formula,
so I gotta cut her in, of course...

...but the rest of you mean
absolutely nothing to me.

Now, wait a sec, now,
I'm Kelly's manager.

I get 75 percent
of whatever she gets.

Kelly, listen very, very carefully
to Daddy.

Number one, Bud is fired.

Number two, do you remember
how to make Bleen?

And can you make lots and lots
for Daddy?

- Yeah.
- Oh, sweetheart!

If you can make Daddy some Bleen,
I'll buy you an acting career.

You'll be the next Tori Spelling.

Okay. But prettier, right?

- Hell, Two-Face is prettier.
- Oh, I know.

Sweetheart, if you're going out,
would you get me some mousse...

- ...and a scrunchie?
- Okay, Daddy.

You won't get away with this, Pop.
I'll sue.

Sue away.

You get in line
behind Sy Sperling...

...and his soon-to-be-defunct
Hair Club for Men.

Because when this comes out,
I'm gonna be one hairy millionaire.

Hey, Al, what about side effects?

You know, no one markets
a product without testing it.

Oh, no, Peg?

Cigarettes...

...Ford Pinto...

...that condom I used
on our wedding night.

Read my lips, Peg.
There are no side effects.

Okay, all right.

By the way, Peg, you look really good
this afternoon.

Who said that?

Al, that is the nicest thing
you've said to me in years.

You know, I have a sudden urge
to take you upstairs...

...and have sex with you--
Who said that?

Well, let's go.

Wait a second, Peg. Wait,
I better test this Bleen a little bit.

Wait a minute, Peg. Wait, wait.
God, you look beautiful.

Who the hell said that?
Oh, my God, somebody shoot me!

I now call this meeting of No Ma'am
to order, to announce the results...

...of the final tests
of Al Bundy's Bleen.

I mean, Kelly and Al Bundy's Bleen.

I now give you my wonderful daughter,
whom I love more than anything.

Thank you, Daddy.

Now, placebos were given
to the first group, group A.

Things to do:

Make will.

Cut family out of will.

Make tender love to wife,
with lights on.

What?

Now, as you can see
in the first group...

...there's been no hair growth at all.

By the way,
what was that placebo we took?

Birth control pills.
You're both dismissed.

Hey, is it just me, or are your breasts
getting bigger too?

No, but I have switched to Lightdays.

Now, everybody in group B
took Bleen.

Solid.

And the Bleen has worked
in every case.

I think the evidence
speaks for itself.

Kelly, go inside and alert the media.

Particularly those
with receding hairlines.

David Brinkley, Willard Scott...

...Barbara Walters.

Guys, am I the only one in the Bleen
group who's had this horrible urge...

...to do the girlfriend thing
with the wife?

Oh, thank God I'm not alone.

I carried the wife
across the threshold.

I told her that I loved her.

I even had foreplay.

Hey, so what?

Last night I pleasured my ex-wife
and paid her back alimony.

Yeah, well, that's nothing.

When I was making love to Marcie...

...I was fantasizing about...

- ...Marcie.
- Oh, man, that's sick!

Settle, settle. Gentlemen!

Gentlemen, we are on the horns
of a dilemma.

By marketing Bleen,
we'll make millions.

Well, I will.

But we'll also be condemning mankind
to a lifetime of lights-on...

...bags-off, wife-pleasing sex.

Okay, then it's settled.
We can't sell Bleen.

We'd be as hated as the guy
who invented the G-spot.

Hey, who was that guy?

I don't know. Kenny G?

Al, we gotta do something.

I mean, No Ma'am is turning
into Yes Ma'am.

He's right. I don't know how many
more times I can sex the ex.

Well...

...Kelly invented Bleen...

...maybe she can also invent
an antidote.

But she's gonna need a guinea pig.

No problem.

I'll take full responsibility.

A Bundy got you into this...

...a Bundy will get you out.

Okay, Bud, I think I found
the antidote.

Are you ready for the last test?

Hell, I'm ready for the last rites.

- Go ahead.
- Okay.

I want you, Bud.

What for?

It worked! The antidote worked.
It worked. It worked.

There's gotta be someone out there
even more worthless than me.

Yeah, well, I'd like to meet him.

Well, here it is, Peg.

Occupation, none.

Skill, none.

Use, none.

Peg, say hi to Public Loafer
Number 1.

How you doing, son? How are you--?

- How are you feeling?
- Oh, just great, Dad.

Yeah, trying to find the cure
for Bleen...

...turned me into a bitter, sexless,
aging loser.

I might as well sell women's shoes.

Come on, Dad.

You gotta help me.
I can't stay like this forever.

Son, I-- Yeah, I mean to tell you
something here.

See, son, I--

I still have some Bleen.

Yeah, I saved it, you know,
in case your mother...

...should accidentally tie herself up to
a railroad track and I'd be single again.

But since she'd probably just
derail the train, I--

I'm happy to give it to you.
It's upstairs in my shower.

Thanks, Dad. I'll just run up
and go get it.

That Bleen made me so horny...

...I'm gonna rent me 101 Dalmatians.

And I don't mean the movie.

Hey, you guys, it's starting.
My Madame Curie is on.

- Oh, what channel is it on, honey?
- Fox.

Assume Fox-viewing positions.

And now, from the makers of:

Buttafuoco: Misunderstood
Family Man or Giant, Fat Sleazoid...?

...we proudly present:

Madame Curie:
Misunderstood Scientist...

...or Syph-Ridden Whoremonger?

Sailor, is that radium
in your pocket...

...or are you just happy to see me?