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1
00:00:09,310 --> 00:00:11,945
This better be good
Becausei left
My archery class
2
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,747
Just to get here on time.
3
00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:16,484
You have to
Wear that getup
For archery class?
4
00:00:16,550 --> 00:00:20,921
No, I don't have to,
But it really throws off
My opponents.
5
00:00:20,988 --> 00:00:25,493
Well, who can hit
A thing when they're
Laughing so hard?
6
00:00:25,559 --> 00:00:26,727
Hello, girls.
7
00:00:26,794 --> 00:00:27,828
Hi, mrs. Winslow.
8
00:00:27,895 --> 00:00:28,862
Myra,
9
00:00:28,929 --> 00:00:31,799
I don't even
Want to know.
10
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:34,635
Mrs. Winslow,
What did you want
To talk to us about?
11
00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:37,538
Well, this year
Ferguson's is sponsoring
12
00:00:37,605 --> 00:00:39,973
The miss downtown
Chicago beauty pageant,
13
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:43,344
And I've been selected
Chairwoman.
14
00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:44,812
Listen, it's gonna be
Really exciting,
15
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:48,015
And you'll never
Believe who I got
To host the show.
16
00:00:48,082 --> 00:00:50,718
Who?
Emmanuel lewis.
17
00:00:50,784 --> 00:00:53,387
You got tv's webster?
18
00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:57,291
Oh, I love him.
He's such a cutie.
19
00:00:58,826 --> 00:01:00,094
Can we meet him?
20
00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:02,130
Well, of course you can
21
00:01:02,196 --> 00:01:04,798
If, uh, ahem,
22
00:01:04,865 --> 00:01:06,534
You all agree
To be contestants.
23
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:07,568
Oh, well...
24
00:01:07,635 --> 00:01:10,204
Uh-uh. No way.
25
00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:11,605
Well, why not?
26
00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:12,673
Ma, it is
So sexist.
27
00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:14,908
I'm not marching
In a bathing
Suit parade.
28
00:01:14,975 --> 00:01:16,310
Yeah. Who would?
29
00:01:16,377 --> 00:01:19,947
I mean, we have too
Much self-respect
For that.
30
00:01:20,013 --> 00:01:22,450
I'll do it.
31
00:01:24,252 --> 00:01:25,486
Thank you, myra.
32
00:01:25,553 --> 00:01:27,155
Girls, the contest
Doesn't have
33
00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:29,357
A bathing
Suit competition.
34
00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:33,127
It's based on
Poise and talent
And personality.
35
00:01:33,194 --> 00:01:34,728
I don't know,
Mrs. Winslow.
36
00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:38,532
I mean, the whole idea
Of a beauty pageant
Is so played out.
37
00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:40,968
Did I mention
That the winner
Would be receiving
38
00:01:41,034 --> 00:01:43,971
A $5,000 shopping spree
From ferguson's?
39
00:01:44,037 --> 00:01:45,373
We're there for you.
40
00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:47,741
Mm-hmm.
41
00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:49,377
Hi, y'all.
42
00:01:56,184 --> 00:01:58,552
So good to see
You all. So--
43
00:01:58,619 --> 00:02:00,454
Whoa!
44
00:02:05,793 --> 00:02:07,161
What are you doing here?
45
00:02:07,228 --> 00:02:09,062
I hear there's
A beauty contest,
46
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:13,867
And I want to let everybody
Know how glamorous
And poised I am.
47
00:02:28,282 --> 00:02:29,917
Carl, I've got
A big problem.
48
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:32,786
Emmanuel lewis called, and his
Flight has been canceled.
49
00:02:32,853 --> 00:02:34,555
Oh, honey,
That's terrible.
50
00:02:34,622 --> 00:02:37,858
Oh, one engine goes out,
And they panic.
51
00:02:41,229 --> 00:02:42,430
Well, honey,
52
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:44,465
What are you gonna do?
The pageant's tonight.
53
00:02:44,532 --> 00:02:46,467
Oh, I don't know,
Carl.
54
00:02:49,370 --> 00:02:52,039
Hey, I might be able
To get oprah.
55
00:02:52,105 --> 00:02:53,474
Oprah winfrey?
56
00:02:53,541 --> 00:02:55,809
No, no, no, no.
Oprah gonzales.
57
00:02:57,278 --> 00:02:59,179
She works in cosmetics,
58
00:02:59,247 --> 00:03:02,383
And she can whistle
Feelings through
A lipstick tube.
59
00:03:07,255 --> 00:03:09,290
Well, honey,
You know,
60
00:03:09,357 --> 00:03:13,594
You could go that way,
But, uh,
61
00:03:13,661 --> 00:03:16,697
You could get somebody
With a little style,
62
00:03:18,632 --> 00:03:20,534
A little, uh,
63
00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:23,237
Panache,
64
00:03:23,304 --> 00:03:26,274
And a whole lot
Of charisma.
65
00:03:26,340 --> 00:03:27,608
Ha ha ha.
66
00:03:27,675 --> 00:03:30,311
You could go
With somebody like, uh...
67
00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:31,712
* me *
68
00:03:48,095 --> 00:03:49,530
Well...
69
00:03:50,598 --> 00:03:53,801
Good evening,
Fellow chicagoans.
70
00:03:53,867 --> 00:03:55,269
No.
71
00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:03,176
Well, hi there,
Windy city-ites.
72
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:05,646
Ha ha ha.
73
00:04:05,713 --> 00:04:07,381
No.
74
00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:09,216
Hey, dad.
Huh? Oh, am I on?
75
00:04:09,283 --> 00:04:11,151
No, no, no, no.
What, what?
76
00:04:11,218 --> 00:04:12,820
You got a few minutes.
Uh-huh.
77
00:04:12,886 --> 00:04:13,987
Now don't forget,
78
00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:16,424
After the music cue
And the follow
Lights dim,
79
00:04:16,490 --> 00:04:18,759
You cross downstage
To your mark, alright?
80
00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:21,595
Huh?
81
00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:24,998
When I shove you,
Walk to the "X."
82
00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:26,634
Oh, thank you,
Son. Okay.
83
00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:28,469
I'm gonna go
Check on the girls.
84
00:04:28,536 --> 00:04:29,970
I thought
You just did that.
85
00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:33,907
Yep, and I'm gonna
Keep on doing it
Till I get it right.
86
00:04:37,545 --> 00:04:38,679
Carl.
Huh?
87
00:04:38,746 --> 00:04:40,914
The show's about to start.
Are you okay?
88
00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:42,416
Am I okay? Ha ha ha.
89
00:04:42,483 --> 00:04:45,419
Hey, honey,
Prepare to be dazzled.
90
00:04:45,486 --> 00:04:47,187
Prepare to be stunned.
91
00:04:47,254 --> 00:04:51,024
Prepare to be wowed.
92
00:04:51,091 --> 00:04:53,561
Your fly's open.
Oh.
93
00:04:54,595 --> 00:04:56,864
Hey, guys,
Sorry I'm late.
94
00:05:01,502 --> 00:05:04,438
Harriette, look,
It's webster.
It's webster.
95
00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:07,508
Well, uh,
Actually, webster is
A fictional character.
96
00:05:07,575 --> 00:05:10,411
I'm emmanuel lewis,
But you can call me manny.
97
00:05:10,478 --> 00:05:12,480
You hear that,
Harriette?
98
00:05:12,546 --> 00:05:14,815
He said I could
Call him manny.
99
00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:18,519
Well, it's a pleasure
To meet you, manny.
100
00:05:18,586 --> 00:05:20,721
Didn't say you could
Call me manny.
101
00:05:21,221 --> 00:05:22,790
Gotcha.
102
00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:26,660
Well, listen,
I thought your flight
Was canceled.
103
00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:30,564
It was, it was, but I
Hopped on my harley
And drove over.
104
00:05:30,631 --> 00:05:32,400
I hope you haven't
Replaced me yet.
105
00:05:32,466 --> 00:05:34,702
Well, actually, uh--
Of course not.
106
00:05:34,768 --> 00:05:37,738
You're irreplaceable.
But...
107
00:05:37,805 --> 00:05:41,308
Well, I was supposed
To be the, uh,
108
00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:44,978
The temporary
Fill-in backup guy.
109
00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:48,916
I took a few moments
To write a few quips
From the reader's digest.
110
00:05:50,451 --> 00:05:53,854
I was gonna use them,
But since you're here,
111
00:05:53,921 --> 00:05:55,055
You can.
112
00:05:57,057 --> 00:06:00,861
You know, you look
So cool in your tux,
And you did all the work.
113
00:06:00,928 --> 00:06:03,130
Why don't we
Host this together?
114
00:06:06,099 --> 00:06:09,703
Well, thanks, manny.
115
00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:12,205
Does that mean
We split the money, too?
116
00:06:12,272 --> 00:06:14,808
I'm friendly,
Not crazy.
117
00:06:33,661 --> 00:06:35,062
You know, I still
Don't understand
118
00:06:35,128 --> 00:06:38,231
How you can be
In a miss downtown
Chicago contest
119
00:06:38,298 --> 00:06:40,801
When you don't even
Live in chicago.
120
00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:45,272
Well, big daddy owns a condo
On lake shore drive.
121
00:06:45,338 --> 00:06:46,674
Since when?
122
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:49,910
Since I told him I wanted
To be in this contest.
123
00:06:53,681 --> 00:06:55,449
Now let me
Ask you a question.
124
00:06:55,516 --> 00:06:57,284
Hmm.
125
00:06:57,350 --> 00:07:02,823
How can you be
In a beauty contest
With a puss like that?
126
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:06,994
Look who's talking.
127
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:09,830
You're in the wrong
Contest altogether.
128
00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:12,299
The dog show
Is next week.
129
00:07:12,365 --> 00:07:13,934
Oh, no, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
130
00:07:14,001 --> 00:07:15,969
And get your
Finger out of my face.
131
00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:18,205
I will wrap your lip
Around your head.
132
00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:20,608
[screaming]
133
00:07:20,674 --> 00:07:23,010
Girls, girls,
Girls, girls!
134
00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:24,812
Hey!
135
00:07:29,517 --> 00:07:31,519
Would you please try
To conduct yourselves
136
00:07:31,585 --> 00:07:35,055
Like beauty queens
Instead of biker bimbos?
137
00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:36,056
Okay.
138
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:37,057
Okay.
139
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:39,126
Harriette's right.
140
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:43,263
In the spirit
Of sisterhood,
141
00:07:43,330 --> 00:07:44,965
Let's put aside
Our differences
142
00:07:45,032 --> 00:07:49,202
And unite in the common
Cause of feminocity.
143
00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:53,874
I agree. All this
Bickering is bumming out
My perkiness.
144
00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:56,677
Oh, come on, girls.
145
00:07:56,744 --> 00:07:58,512
The only reason why
Myrtle is here
146
00:07:58,579 --> 00:08:01,481
Is to make another
Play for eddie.
147
00:08:01,549 --> 00:08:04,718
For once,
Ham thighs is right.
148
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:10,591
After I'm certified
As a true beauty queen,
149
00:08:10,658 --> 00:08:15,529
Edward will sop me up
Like a biscuit does gravy.
150
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:20,200
Well, I think
You better knock
Yourself unconscious,
151
00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:24,037
'cause that's
Only gonna happen
In your dreams.
152
00:08:25,639 --> 00:08:28,275
Okay, ladies, listen up.
153
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:31,579
You got 5 minutes
To make yourselves
Beautiful.
154
00:08:31,645 --> 00:08:33,647
How do I look, eddie?
155
00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:36,249
Like you
Could use 5 days.
156
00:08:38,752 --> 00:08:40,187
Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen,
157
00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:42,890
Ferguson's department store
Is proud to present
158
00:08:42,956 --> 00:08:46,960
The fourth annual
Miss downtown chicago
Beauty pageant.
159
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,730
And here are your co-hosts
For the evening,
160
00:08:49,797 --> 00:08:53,701
Emmanuel lewis
And carl winslow.
161
00:08:59,607 --> 00:09:01,441
Thank you, thank you.
162
00:09:01,508 --> 00:09:02,843
You're much too kind.
163
00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:04,077
Good evening, everybody.
164
00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:05,746
It's great to be here.
165
00:09:05,813 --> 00:09:08,816
I'm always a little nervous
When I come to the windy city.
166
00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:11,284
I might get blown away.
167
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:17,524
But seriously, folks,
I want you to meet
My co-host, carl winslow.
168
00:09:17,591 --> 00:09:20,961
Give him
A round of applause.
169
00:09:22,129 --> 00:09:25,866
Say, carl, uh,
How are you tonight?
Excited?
170
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:30,337
[mumbles]
171
00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:36,043
Uh, you're right.
It's time to meet
Our contestants.
172
00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:39,913
Here they are,
15 of the most beautiful
Girls in chicago.
173
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,928
[marching band
Music playing]
174
00:10:41,942 --> 00:10:45,212
You okay, carl?
Huh, huh?
175
00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:46,413
Oh, heh heh heh.
176
00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:48,648
Yeah, manny, I'm okay.
177
00:10:48,716 --> 00:10:51,685
I don't think I'm
Gonna vomit again.
178
00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:55,088
Good, 'cause I only
Brought 2 tuxes.
179
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:57,324
Here, dad.
I brought you
Some more water.
180
00:10:57,390 --> 00:10:58,391
Oh, thank you, son.
181
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:01,228
Whoa, look out!
182
00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:27,387
[playing coming
Around the mountain]
183
00:11:58,585 --> 00:12:00,453
Aah!
184
00:12:08,495 --> 00:12:10,964
Greta: what happened?
185
00:12:24,544 --> 00:12:28,248
Yikes, spikes.
186
00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:49,402
W-w-wha...
187
00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:59,712
Waah!
188
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:01,949
Ooh.
189
00:13:38,919 --> 00:13:40,020
This is so exciting.
190
00:13:40,087 --> 00:13:42,890
Oh, oh, yes, it is.
191
00:13:42,956 --> 00:13:44,357
Is something wrong?
192
00:13:44,424 --> 00:13:45,758
No offense, sweetie,
193
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:48,395
But your breath
Smells like
Road kill.
194
00:13:50,230 --> 00:13:51,831
Here, have
Some of these mints.
195
00:13:51,899 --> 00:13:53,066
Oh, thank you.
196
00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:54,534
Yes.
197
00:15:19,052 --> 00:15:22,189
[girls yelling]
198
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,297
Ladies!
199
00:15:30,363 --> 00:15:31,364
Ladies!
200
00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:32,399
Ladies!
201
00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:35,435
Shut up!
Shut up!
202
00:15:35,502 --> 00:15:37,270
Something fishy
Is going on around here,
203
00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:39,706
And I want to get
To the bottom of it.
204
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:41,941
You better, 'cause some
Terrible things have happened.
205
00:15:42,009 --> 00:15:43,776
Yeah, to every
Single one of us.
206
00:15:43,843 --> 00:15:45,178
Yeah.
207
00:15:45,245 --> 00:15:48,948
Well, everybody
Except...
208
00:15:49,016 --> 00:15:50,717
Myrtle.
Myrtle.
Myrtle.
209
00:15:56,323 --> 00:15:59,759
Some horrific things
Have happened to me, too.
210
00:15:59,826 --> 00:16:03,463
Some hussy stole
My fake fingernails.
211
00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:08,135
Now I don't know
Who the culprit is,
But god is watching.
212
00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:11,638
Who are you kidding?
213
00:16:11,704 --> 00:16:15,208
You're behind this.
This is just
Your style.
214
00:16:15,275 --> 00:16:17,310
What would you know
About style,
215
00:16:17,377 --> 00:16:22,782
You bucktoothed, hammer-toed,
Hippo-hipped hoochie mama?
216
00:16:22,849 --> 00:16:24,617
Oh, that is it.
217
00:16:24,684 --> 00:16:27,987
Bring it on,
You street trash
Named desire!
218
00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,860
Oh, my stars.
219
00:16:33,926 --> 00:16:39,299
Some scoundrel has planted
Implements of destruction
In my pocketbook.
220
00:16:39,366 --> 00:16:41,634
Myrtle, did you
Do these things?
221
00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:47,740
I swear not, and if I lie,
May god strike this spot
With lightning.
222
00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:56,416
I'm gonna ask you
One last time, myrtle.
223
00:16:56,483 --> 00:16:58,551
Did you sabotage
These girls?
224
00:16:58,618 --> 00:17:00,120
No, ma'am.
225
00:17:03,590 --> 00:17:06,293
I--I mean yes, ma'am.
226
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:11,864
Well, yes, no.
I always confuse the two.
227
00:17:11,931 --> 00:17:12,999
Ooh, I...
228
00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:16,803
I'm so, so sorry
And deeply ashamed.
229
00:17:19,472 --> 00:17:22,342
I was so desperate
To win the affections
Of my edward
230
00:17:22,409 --> 00:17:25,412
That I stooped
To such chicanery.
231
00:17:25,478 --> 00:17:26,846
Ohh.
232
00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:30,250
Now, now, we've all
Done viscous, mean
Things to other people
233
00:17:30,317 --> 00:17:34,121
In the name of love.
234
00:17:34,187 --> 00:17:38,925
Thank you, myra,
But what I did
Was inexcusable.
235
00:17:38,991 --> 00:17:41,528
I shall withdraw
From the pageant.
236
00:17:43,196 --> 00:17:45,398
That will be the thing
To do, myrtle.
237
00:17:49,602 --> 00:17:51,371
Let me say,
238
00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:55,342
No matter who of you
Is crowned queen,
239
00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:58,111
You're all queens
In my heart.
240
00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:13,326
Maybe she has
Some class after all.
241
00:18:13,393 --> 00:18:15,362
Well, you'd better
Get out on the stage.
242
00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:16,829
They're gonna announce
The winner.
243
00:18:22,001 --> 00:18:24,103
Hey, the door's stuck.
244
00:18:26,072 --> 00:18:27,974
It's not stuck.
245
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:29,842
Myrtle locked us in.
246
00:18:29,909 --> 00:18:33,380
Help!
Help!
Help!
247
00:18:35,515 --> 00:18:37,217
Thank you, everyone,
Thank you.
248
00:18:37,284 --> 00:18:39,452
I wanna thank
The audience for
Coming out tonight.
249
00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:41,688
It's really
Been a pleasure
And a great show,
250
00:18:41,754 --> 00:18:44,724
And, carl, it's been
A lot of fun working
With you.
251
00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,659
Right back at you, manny.
252
00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:48,695
Hey, I'm finally
Getting the hang of this.
253
00:18:48,761 --> 00:18:51,764
Just in time, too.
The show's almost over.
254
00:18:54,100 --> 00:18:56,869
And now it's time
To announce our winner.
255
00:18:56,936 --> 00:19:00,407
Let's bring out
Those lovely ladies
One more time.
256
00:19:10,850 --> 00:19:12,319
Where are
The other girls?
257
00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:13,620
Oh, they withdrew.
258
00:19:13,686 --> 00:19:16,022
Apparently they couldn't
Stand the competition.
259
00:19:16,088 --> 00:19:18,558
I win by default.
260
00:19:20,293 --> 00:19:22,028
Now give me that crown.
261
00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:23,330
Give it here,
262
00:19:23,396 --> 00:19:25,965
And start the music, buster.
263
00:19:26,032 --> 00:19:27,234
But I--I can't--
264
00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:30,169
I said hit it.
265
00:19:30,237 --> 00:19:32,472
[music playing]
266
00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:47,086
Oh, mercy,
I've done it.
267
00:19:47,153 --> 00:19:50,022
I'm a genuine,
Certified beauty queen.
268
00:19:50,089 --> 00:19:53,926
Oh, it's official.
I'm beautiful.
269
00:19:53,993 --> 00:19:55,728
There she is!
270
00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:57,730
Aah!
271
00:20:12,345 --> 00:20:14,447
And there they go.
272
00:20:22,789 --> 00:20:25,358
Laura, laura,
It finally happened.
273
00:20:25,425 --> 00:20:27,960
Somebody sent me a letter.
274
00:20:29,529 --> 00:20:31,230
Steve, this
Is a chain letter.
275
00:20:31,298 --> 00:20:33,300
So? It counts.
276
00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:35,034
Somebody actually
Took the time
277
00:20:35,101 --> 00:20:36,936
To write down
My name and address
278
00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:38,371
And put a stamp on it.
279
00:20:38,438 --> 00:20:41,207
Well, just
Throw it away.
280
00:20:41,274 --> 00:20:42,342
No, no, no.
281
00:20:42,409 --> 00:20:44,043
I can't break the chain.
282
00:20:44,110 --> 00:20:46,513
That'd be bad luck.
283
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:49,516
Well, whatever you do,
Don't send it to me.
284
00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:53,620
I'll send it to my friend
Cory matthews in philadelphia.
285
00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:57,290
Yeah. That way I'll keep
My good luck flowing.
286
00:21:02,295 --> 00:21:04,731
I wish I'd have gotten
This letter yesterday.
20119
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