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Downloaded from
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[indistinct chatter]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[announcer] Get ready
for the very first ever
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00:00:24,899 --> 00:00:28,027
Club Cumming
Queer Comedy Extravaganza!
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This is your host
who needs no introduction,
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00:00:30,447 --> 00:00:34,868
Alan Cumming!
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[cheers and applause]
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Hello, New York City!
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00:00:39,789 --> 00:00:41,875
Welcome.
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00:00:41,916 --> 00:00:44,419
Welcome
to Club Cumming Presents
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00:00:44,461 --> 00:00:47,922
a Queer Comedy Extravaganza.
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00:00:47,964 --> 00:00:51,301
[cheers and applause]
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00:00:51,342 --> 00:00:53,470
Yes, America, we are here.
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00:00:53,511 --> 00:00:54,763
We are queer.
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00:00:54,804 --> 00:00:56,473
You just have
to fuckin' deal with it.
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00:00:56,514 --> 00:00:58,850
But the motto at Club Cumming
is all ages,
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00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,894
all genders, all colors,
all sexualities,
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00:01:00,935 --> 00:01:04,856
kindness is all,
and anything could happen.
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00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:07,776
And it frequently does,
let me tell you.
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00:01:07,817 --> 00:01:09,778
And so tonight,
you're gonna see the cream
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of the Club Cumming crop
of queer comedy.
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-[cheers and applause]
-That's right.
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00:01:15,324 --> 00:01:18,119
That's why it's called
the Queer Comedy Extravaganza.
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00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:23,792
Now, I would-I would
thoroughly recommend
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00:01:23,833 --> 00:01:24,959
owning a bar.
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00:01:25,001 --> 00:01:26,544
It's-I really would.
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00:01:26,586 --> 00:01:28,088
It's such fun.
Obviously, you know,
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00:01:28,129 --> 00:01:29,714
you get to go and you get
to pour your own drinks.
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00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:31,800
That's great. But I've always
wanted to be a bartender.
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00:01:31,841 --> 00:01:35,303
So I've kinda fetishized
being a bartender.
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00:01:35,345 --> 00:01:39,099
And then I bought a bar
so I could fulfil my fantasy.
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00:01:39,140 --> 00:01:40,934
The sad thing about
fulfilling your fantasies
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00:01:40,975 --> 00:01:43,645
sometimes is that you realize
you're not very good at it.
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00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:45,814
But I do love it.
I love the sloshing.
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00:01:45,855 --> 00:01:48,525
I love the ice.
I love the thing.
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00:01:48,566 --> 00:01:50,777
It's called a gun, but we
don't have, like, guns here.
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00:01:50,819 --> 00:01:52,153
But it's called a gun,
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00:01:52,195 --> 00:01:53,988
and it's got little letters
on it, you know,
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00:01:54,030 --> 00:01:56,156
for corresponding the things
that come out of the hole.
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00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:58,827
And, like, so there's C.
That means Coca-Cola.
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00:01:58,868 --> 00:02:00,745
There's O. That means orange.
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00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:02,288
There's a thing
that actually says soda,
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00:02:02,330 --> 00:02:04,457
so that's pretty easy;
that's soda water.
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00:02:04,499 --> 00:02:07,793
But also, there's
another thing, another C.
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00:02:07,836 --> 00:02:09,087
And, like, basically,
what I'm saying
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00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:10,797
is that sometimes
when I bartend,
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00:02:10,839 --> 00:02:12,423
I'm pretty loaded myself,
right?
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00:02:12,465 --> 00:02:14,509
And also,
if I don't have my glasses.
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00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:16,177
So I get confused.
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00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:18,930
And sometimes I get confused
between the Coca-Cola
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00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:21,141
and the other C,
which is for cranberry.
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00:02:21,182 --> 00:02:22,851
But I have now invented
a new drink
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that is sweeping
Downtown New York.
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It's a Jack and cranberry.
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00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:31,860
Talking of my failing eyesight
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brings me to the point
of the evening
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where I discuss my age.
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I'm 57 years old.
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I know it's hard to believe.
I know. I know.
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No, please don't clap yet.
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Yeah, it's kinda fuckin' nuts.
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My next big birthday is 60.
Can you imagine?
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Isn't that nuts? Anyway,
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but that's the great thing
about being at Club Cumming
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'cause it's ageless.
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It's ageless there.
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00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,923
And actually,
everybody of all ages comes.
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There was even a lady
who was 95 years old.
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And she wanted to spend her
95th birthday party
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at Club Cumming.
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00:02:59,429 --> 00:03:01,890
Isn't that cute? I know.
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00:03:01,930 --> 00:03:03,266
But the thing is,
we're all aging.
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00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:05,059
It's something we all share.
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00:03:05,101 --> 00:03:08,313
Life is but a slow march
towards death.
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00:03:08,354 --> 00:03:11,065
And I am--it's true.
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I am literally decaying
in front of you right now.
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00:03:15,111 --> 00:03:17,906
And there's never anywhere
that I feel my age
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00:03:17,947 --> 00:03:21,659
more than
my dermatologist's office.
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00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:23,411
I go there quite a lot
because, as you can see,
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I'm quite pale. I'm Scottish.
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My fellow countryman
Billy Connolly once said
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that Scottish people,
our natural skin tone is blue.
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00:03:30,126 --> 00:03:33,087
So one time,
I was about to go to see him.
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And I was in the shower,
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having a little
mole map check myself.
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00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:37,717
And I was also
checking downstairs.
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And I found these two sort
of little red pimple things
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on one of my testicles.
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00:03:43,055 --> 00:03:44,599
It was-I was quite alarmed.
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It's sort of as though someone
had taken a red sharpie
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and gone boop-boop
on one of my balls.
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So I went to the dermatologist.
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I was kind of alarmed.
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And I said,
"Look at--what's that?"
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And he went, "Alan, Alan,
that's nothing to worry about.
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00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:59,781
That's just a normal part
of scrotal aging."
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00:04:04,827 --> 00:04:06,871
And when I picked myself
off the floor,
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00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:10,959
I realized that inadvertently,
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I'd been thinking about
scrotal aging for some time.
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00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:16,089
Inadvertently because I didn't
know it was a thing, right?
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00:04:16,130 --> 00:04:17,423
But about 20 years ago,
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I made this film in Rome
with Jessica Lange.
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00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:21,135
And, you know,
when you're on a film set,
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you laugh and joke
between takes.
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00:04:22,637 --> 00:04:24,973
You talk about stuff
and you get a bit bawdy.
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00:04:25,014 --> 00:04:26,224
And she was talking
about the way
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her boobs
were getting a bit saggy.
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00:04:27,642 --> 00:04:28,810
I said, "Well, my balls
have gone south,
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00:04:28,851 --> 00:04:30,603
let me tell you," and she said,
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00:04:30,645 --> 00:04:31,980
"I wonder if there's
such a thing as a ball tuck."
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00:04:32,021 --> 00:04:32,939
I said, "There should be,
Jessica Lange.
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00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:34,816
There should be."
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00:04:34,857 --> 00:04:36,651
Anyway, then a couple
of years after that,
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I was in Budapest,
making another film.
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And on my day off,
I went to the Gellert Baths.
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00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,657
And I was standing
in line like this,
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00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:44,826
just loving everything
and naked.
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00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:48,288
And next to me, I looked around
and there was this man.
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00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:49,998
And he admittedly
was an elderly gentleman.
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00:04:50,039 --> 00:04:54,627
But I will never unsee this.
122
00:04:54,669 --> 00:04:56,170
His balls were at his knees.
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00:04:56,212 --> 00:04:58,006
His actual balls
were at his knees.
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00:04:58,046 --> 00:05:00,091
And it was a gamechanger for me
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00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:03,136
because at the time,
I was in my early 30s.
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00:05:03,177 --> 00:05:04,637
I wasn't wearing any underwear.
127
00:05:04,679 --> 00:05:05,888
I thought,
"Let everything swing around.
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00:05:05,930 --> 00:05:07,140
You know, let them clack away.
129
00:05:07,181 --> 00:05:09,350
Let the air
get up amongst them."
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00:05:09,392 --> 00:05:13,604
You have never seen anyone
buy a jockstrap faster.
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00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:15,481
And I wear a jockstrap
to this day.
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00:05:15,522 --> 00:05:18,818
Anyway...I'll show ya later.
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00:05:19,861 --> 00:05:21,738
No, no, no, that was
a bad thing to say.
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00:05:21,779 --> 00:05:23,323
Anyway, back to the film
with Jessica Lange.
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00:05:23,364 --> 00:05:25,742
There was another day when we
were filming a naked scene,
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00:05:25,783 --> 00:05:27,702
a sex scene,
a sort of post-coital scene.
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00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:29,829
And we're naked, and I'm lying
on top of her like this.
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00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:31,331
I've got one hand
on one of her boobs,
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00:05:31,372 --> 00:05:32,665
and I'm asleep on her chest
like this.
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00:05:32,707 --> 00:05:33,708
And she's listening
to something.
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00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:35,043
And we're, again, chatting
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00:05:35,084 --> 00:05:36,377
in between takes
and blah, blah,
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00:05:36,419 --> 00:05:37,712
having a laugh,
and I said, "You know,
144
00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:39,464
Jess, I don't know
what you're talking about.
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00:05:39,505 --> 00:05:41,382
You have fantastic tits."
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00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:43,051
And she said, "Honey,
if your hand wasn't there,
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00:05:43,092 --> 00:05:45,303
that thing would be
halfway around my back."
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00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:50,058
Anyway, back to my
dermatologist's office
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00:05:50,099 --> 00:05:52,685
'cause he loves the fact
that I tell
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00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:55,480
the scrotal aging story,
and the last time I went,
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00:05:55,521 --> 00:05:57,690
I had this little dry patch
between my shoulder blades.
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00:05:57,732 --> 00:05:59,233
I'm like, "What's that?
It's a little dry patch."
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00:05:59,275 --> 00:06:01,736
He went, "Oh, that's just
an old-man barnacle.
154
00:06:01,778 --> 00:06:05,948
I can burn that off for you."
I was like, "Ouch."
155
00:06:05,990 --> 00:06:09,202
Anyway, he told me
about this new thing
156
00:06:09,243 --> 00:06:11,371
he's being asked to do,
this new procedure.
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00:06:11,412 --> 00:06:14,623
And what it is,
is that guys want to get Botox
158
00:06:14,665 --> 00:06:17,543
injected into their balls,
actually,
159
00:06:17,585 --> 00:06:19,212
because, you know, Bot--
oh, this man's nodding.
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00:06:19,253 --> 00:06:20,421
You've heard of it.
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00:06:22,256 --> 00:06:23,633
Oh, really? 'Cause, you know,
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00:06:23,674 --> 00:06:27,845
Botox, as I think
you may have realized,
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00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:29,764
it relaxes your muscles, right?
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00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:33,101
So if you have in your balls,
it makes your balls sag.
165
00:06:33,142 --> 00:06:35,770
And people want to have
these big sort of bull balls.
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00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:37,939
It's a thing. People like it.
No judgments here.
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00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:40,024
And what is hilarious
168
00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:41,776
is that that procedure...
169
00:06:41,818 --> 00:06:43,111
[laughs]
170
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,532
And this is true.
My dermatologist told me.
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00:06:47,573 --> 00:06:49,283
It's called Scrotox.
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00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:53,704
Anyway, enough of me.
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00:06:53,746 --> 00:06:54,622
What did you think
of my last movie?
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00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:55,873
Only kidding.
175
00:06:55,915 --> 00:06:57,417
We're now going to...
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00:06:57,458 --> 00:06:58,709
we're now going to meet
a young gentleman
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00:06:58,751 --> 00:07:00,545
whose balls are very tight
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00:07:00,586 --> 00:07:03,046
and nowhere...
nowhere near his knees.
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00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:06,467
Please say hello
to Joe Castle Baker.
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00:07:06,509 --> 00:07:09,429
[cheers and applause]
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00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:22,316
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
182
00:07:22,358 --> 00:07:24,527
Yeah, okay,
we're vibing now, right?
183
00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:26,487
Yeah, oh, yeah. We're vibing.
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00:07:26,529 --> 00:07:28,614
Yeah, whatever, kind of
sicko mode in the room.
185
00:07:28,656 --> 00:07:32,493
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, cool girl over there, yes.
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00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:33,786
Yeah, and it's really fun.
187
00:07:33,828 --> 00:07:34,996
It's really fun.
It's really fun.
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00:07:35,037 --> 00:07:36,747
You guys, you guys,
189
00:07:36,789 --> 00:07:40,793
some people in this world
are really annoying.
190
00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:46,090
But me, I'm pretty much
irresistible, okay?
191
00:07:46,132 --> 00:07:48,009
You know, that swagger on 100
lifestyle,
192
00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:49,844
that can't be me, you know.
193
00:07:49,886 --> 00:07:52,680
Just kind of vibing out
all day long, you know.
194
00:07:52,722 --> 00:07:56,767
Some people, myself included,
can be the life of the party.
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00:07:56,809 --> 00:07:59,979
Me, I'm more often
a life of a party,
196
00:08:00,021 --> 00:08:03,483
kind of catering, and...
but it's good that way.
197
00:08:03,523 --> 00:08:05,401
You know, I get to be
kind of on the side.
198
00:08:05,443 --> 00:08:06,944
I get to be kind of involved
in that way
199
00:08:06,986 --> 00:08:08,946
and be myself
in that way as well.
200
00:08:08,988 --> 00:08:11,282
Just, you know,
earlier today, for instance,
201
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:15,536
I got to the venue
about five or six hours early.
202
00:08:15,578 --> 00:08:17,872
And I was texting all of
the other performers, saying,
203
00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:19,957
"Hey, you know, who wants
to hang out and make memories,
204
00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:21,626
go to the Statue of Liberty,
whatever?"
205
00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:25,171
And...and, you know,
I was sending some really,
206
00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:27,089
really clever selfies
that kind of were
207
00:08:27,131 --> 00:08:29,675
very light-hearted.
208
00:08:29,717 --> 00:08:31,886
And, you know,
they didn't respond.
209
00:08:31,928 --> 00:08:33,804
They didn't respond at all,
which is totally fine.
210
00:08:33,846 --> 00:08:35,181
I'm kind of whatever about it,
vibing out.
211
00:08:35,223 --> 00:08:36,390
Still my own way.
212
00:08:36,432 --> 00:08:38,976
And...and, you know,
but for me,
213
00:08:39,018 --> 00:08:40,728
it's always, you know,
when people are mean
214
00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:41,687
or if they ignore you,
it's kind of like, you know,
215
00:08:41,729 --> 00:08:42,772
I'm rubber and you're glue.
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00:08:42,813 --> 00:08:44,106
You put the glue on me,
217
00:08:44,148 --> 00:08:45,024
and I'm just kind of
going with it, you know.
218
00:08:45,066 --> 00:08:47,235
And so it's all kind of fun.
219
00:08:47,276 --> 00:08:48,653
It's all kind of fun, you know.
220
00:08:48,694 --> 00:08:49,987
And so I was here
for a few hours,
221
00:08:50,029 --> 00:08:51,030
just kind of doing
my own thing,
222
00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:52,406
kind of writing and thinking.
223
00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:55,409
And then I was crossing
the street outside,
224
00:08:55,451 --> 00:08:57,745
and I was in the middle
of the street.
225
00:08:57,787 --> 00:08:59,789
And I looked into the
restaurant across the street,
226
00:08:59,830 --> 00:09:01,582
and I saw all the performers
were there.
227
00:09:06,170 --> 00:09:07,504
And they were all there.
228
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,006
They were kind of sitting
together, laughing.
229
00:09:09,048 --> 00:09:10,716
And I was kind of watching
kind of going, "Yeah, okay."
230
00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:14,095
And it was just
this great moment.
231
00:09:14,136 --> 00:09:16,597
And then actually,
a car hit me.
232
00:09:17,306 --> 00:09:19,850
And it was going really fast,
and I was kind of going,
233
00:09:19,892 --> 00:09:22,603
"Ahh, whatever, you know."
It was not a big deal.
234
00:09:22,645 --> 00:09:24,480
I don't know why people make
such a big deal out of cars.
235
00:09:24,522 --> 00:09:26,857
It's whatever, and actually,
that car was going so fast,
236
00:09:26,899 --> 00:09:28,651
I was airborne for a long time.
237
00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:31,028
And I was thinking to myself,
I was like,
238
00:09:31,070 --> 00:09:32,405
"Oh, am I on a JetBlue flight?"
239
00:09:34,490 --> 00:09:36,117
And actually,
it was really fun.
240
00:09:36,158 --> 00:09:37,702
I just kind of got up
and, you know, my whole leg is,
241
00:09:37,743 --> 00:09:39,453
you know, purple like Barney.
242
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:43,541
But, yeah, now I'm here
and just kind of having fun.
243
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:47,211
You know, I'm really
just enjoying the moment,
244
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:49,380
doing my own thing up here,
you know.
245
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:52,091
When I was asked
to do this show,
246
00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:56,137
I felt so, so humble, you know.
247
00:09:56,178 --> 00:09:58,306
I was so grounded by that.
248
00:09:58,347 --> 00:09:59,432
I felt such humility.
249
00:09:59,473 --> 00:10:02,935
I was humiliated,
and, you know,
250
00:10:02,977 --> 00:10:05,229
'cause I'm not a traditional
stand-up, you know.
251
00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:06,480
I'm more...
252
00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:10,610
...you know,
I'm an experimental...
253
00:10:10,651 --> 00:10:13,321
I'm an experimental, yeah...
I'm an experimental
254
00:10:13,362 --> 00:10:15,156
kind of comic, you know.
I'm experimental,
255
00:10:15,197 --> 00:10:16,824
which means that everything
I do is an experiment,
256
00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:18,993
and the results are kind of,
you know, down the line.
257
00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:22,663
Oh, my God, you know,
I should introduce myself.
258
00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:25,583
I can't believe
I didn't say my name.
259
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:28,669
My name is Joe Castle Baker.
260
00:10:28,711 --> 00:10:31,380
I am 6'5",
just like Osama bin Laden.
261
00:10:36,218 --> 00:10:37,178
And believe it or not,
262
00:10:37,219 --> 00:10:39,055
I actually studied psychology
263
00:10:39,096 --> 00:10:40,264
in college.
264
00:10:42,183 --> 00:10:43,893
You know, not because I wanted
to work in a restaurant
265
00:10:43,934 --> 00:10:47,063
for the rest of my life, but...
266
00:10:47,104 --> 00:10:49,523
but because I really wanted
to understand people.
267
00:10:49,565 --> 00:10:51,692
I wanted to know why they do
the things they do.
268
00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:55,029
And also, because I wanted
to represent white gay men,
269
00:10:55,071 --> 00:10:56,530
you know.
270
00:10:56,572 --> 00:10:58,824
And so far,
I'm doing a really good job.
271
00:11:00,701 --> 00:11:04,538
But let's talk
about anal sex now.
272
00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:06,666
Over quarantine, I was watching
273
00:11:06,707 --> 00:11:11,337
a lot of, you know,
prestige gay movies.
274
00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:12,963
Typically, there's one
or two sex scenes in there.
275
00:11:13,004 --> 00:11:15,716
And I was kind of watching
one recently, and I realized,
276
00:11:15,758 --> 00:11:17,802
"Wait a minute.
277
00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:19,428
I don't like that."
278
00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:23,349
And I was trying to figure out
what is it
279
00:11:23,391 --> 00:11:24,809
that I don't like about them,
280
00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:26,477
so I was watching them
over and over again.
281
00:11:29,605 --> 00:11:32,525
And then it really
dawned on me, you know,
282
00:11:32,566 --> 00:11:34,568
right before they start,
you know,
283
00:11:34,610 --> 00:11:37,405
F-U-C-K-I-N-G,
284
00:11:37,446 --> 00:11:39,907
the top goes like this,
285
00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:43,369
like he's checking
where the wind is going.
286
00:11:43,411 --> 00:11:47,540
And that's all the lube
he uses.
287
00:11:47,581 --> 00:11:50,084
And he just dives right in,
and, you know,
288
00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:53,087
you don't have to be a gay man
to know what anal sex is like.
289
00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:55,673
You can also be
an adult brave girl, you know?
290
00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:03,013
And so I've been thinking
about this in terms
291
00:12:03,055 --> 00:12:05,683
of, you know, my acting
and how I approach sex scenes,
292
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,393
'cause I know
they're gonna come.
293
00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:10,855
And one of the things that
I was thinking about a lot
294
00:12:10,896 --> 00:12:13,941
is the scene
where you get head, okay?
295
00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:15,276
You know the scene:
there's one head here,
296
00:12:15,317 --> 00:12:16,944
one head here,
and that head goes down,
297
00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:20,030
meaning there's head, right?
298
00:12:20,072 --> 00:12:21,907
And this actor up in frame,
299
00:12:21,949 --> 00:12:23,534
he's actually not getting head.
300
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:25,035
That's something
I found out recently.
301
00:12:25,077 --> 00:12:29,290
So it's the actor's job
302
00:12:29,331 --> 00:12:32,460
to really convey it
with his face.
303
00:12:33,627 --> 00:12:35,045
I don't know.
304
00:12:36,505 --> 00:12:37,923
I'm just thinking to myself,
305
00:12:37,965 --> 00:12:40,134
"Well, I don't even know
what my face looks like
306
00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:43,304
when I'm getting head--yet."
307
00:12:45,389 --> 00:12:48,309
So I was getting oral sex.
308
00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:53,564
And I pull out...
309
00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:57,985
...a small hand mirror.
310
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:03,282
And I'm just kind of
looking at it,
311
00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:05,159
just kind of studying myself,
kind of watching myself.
312
00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:06,494
No judgement, you know.
313
00:13:08,078 --> 00:13:09,163
[audience member] You know.
314
00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:12,875
And I was learning a lot.
315
00:13:12,917 --> 00:13:14,418
And I was kind of becoming
a better actor
316
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:16,170
by the second, really.
317
00:13:18,379 --> 00:13:19,757
And it was at that moment
318
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:22,092
that the guy
who was performing on me...
319
00:13:24,845 --> 00:13:27,264
...he goes,
"What the hell are you doing?"
320
00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:32,311
And I put the hand mirror away,
321
00:13:32,353 --> 00:13:35,773
and I look down
at who was down there...
322
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,191
and I realized
that it was none other
323
00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:39,026
than Timothée Chalamet.
324
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:50,371
I was blown away.
I was blown away.
325
00:13:55,417 --> 00:13:56,919
Unfortunately,
the rest of what happened
326
00:13:56,961 --> 00:13:59,171
is hidden behind an NDA.
327
00:14:02,716 --> 00:14:04,218
I'm really well known
for my transitions,
328
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,554
and that whole thing
kinda reminded me of this.
329
00:14:09,723 --> 00:14:12,768
I am not the only person in my
family who's in the business.
330
00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:14,937
And this is something I don't
really talk about very often,
331
00:14:14,979 --> 00:14:19,191
but my mother is the mom on
the show Home Improvement.
332
00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:21,110
Have you seen that show?
Yeah, you're gasping away.
333
00:14:21,151 --> 00:14:22,903
Keep it down, please.
334
00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:26,407
But she is.
She's the mom on that show.
335
00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:30,536
And so a lot of people ask me
if she, as a mother to me,
336
00:14:30,578 --> 00:14:32,079
was like the mom on that show.
337
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:34,206
And she was, you know,
a little different.
338
00:14:34,248 --> 00:14:36,083
She was still a great mom,
like on the TV show.
339
00:14:36,125 --> 00:14:37,668
But it was very different
in person.
340
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,753
Like, you know, like,
this one time,
341
00:14:39,795 --> 00:14:42,715
I was asking her
if I could have a party, like,
342
00:14:42,756 --> 00:14:44,675
at the house when,
you know, I was younger.
343
00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:46,218
I was asking,
"Can we have a party?"
344
00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:47,553
Then we were fighting back
and forth about it.
345
00:14:47,595 --> 00:14:49,889
And she won the fight
just totally
346
00:14:49,930 --> 00:14:51,223
because she looked at me
and she was like,
347
00:14:51,265 --> 00:14:54,059
"Joe, I don't want people
in my house, drinking,
348
00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:57,104
drugging, sucking,
and fucking each other!"
349
00:15:02,109 --> 00:15:04,278
I was eight,
so there was this...
350
00:15:06,196 --> 00:15:08,449
It was kind of confusing.
351
00:15:10,784 --> 00:15:12,536
But I do have, like,
a lot of fond memories
352
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:14,496
of being on the set
of that show, like, as a kid.
353
00:15:14,538 --> 00:15:16,498
Like, I had my first kiss
354
00:15:16,540 --> 00:15:18,876
on the set
of Home Improvement
355
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,836
with Tim Allen, you know.
356
00:15:24,131 --> 00:15:25,758
He's so dreamy.
357
00:15:28,302 --> 00:15:29,803
But I do shy away
from talking about this
358
00:15:29,845 --> 00:15:33,390
because of the whole nepotism
thing, you know.
359
00:15:33,432 --> 00:15:35,309
Nepotism is one of the hardest
things that can happen to you,
360
00:15:35,351 --> 00:15:36,977
you know.
361
00:15:39,647 --> 00:15:41,774
And truth is I am
such a success story.
362
00:15:41,815 --> 00:15:43,901
You know what I mean?
Just the other day,
363
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:45,903
I was actually
responding to a $25 Cameo
364
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,488
from a diaper fetishist
365
00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:50,616
who told me that porn
doesn't do it for him anymore.
366
00:15:50,658 --> 00:15:52,826
And I had to look at myself
and say, you know,
367
00:15:52,868 --> 00:15:56,872
"Joe, don't let this get
to your head, you know?"
368
00:15:58,207 --> 00:16:02,753
But what's really special is
that my mom is also on Cameo,
369
00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:05,714
which is the sign of a family
at the top of their game.
370
00:16:10,427 --> 00:16:14,014
Well, I'm actually...
371
00:16:14,056 --> 00:16:15,683
I probably should get going.
372
00:16:19,186 --> 00:16:21,772
No, really, I should get--
I should go home at this point.
373
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:24,566
But there's one thing I wanted
to say really quickly.
374
00:16:24,608 --> 00:16:26,777
And also, I put a burrito
in the microwave.
375
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:28,320
It should be warm
by now at home.
376
00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:32,491
But I wanted to tell you guys
a story
377
00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:36,495
of the story of how
I came out of the closet
378
00:16:36,537 --> 00:16:38,871
as a gay man.
379
00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:40,249
Don't laugh.
380
00:16:47,380 --> 00:16:49,133
And it's really serious,
you know.
381
00:16:49,174 --> 00:16:50,967
It's a really serious story.
382
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,886
So if you cry, that's fine.
383
00:16:55,264 --> 00:16:56,724
And I know
there are some people
384
00:16:56,765 --> 00:16:58,392
in the audience--
I don't wanna point to them.
385
00:16:58,434 --> 00:17:00,769
But there are some people...
there are some people
386
00:17:00,811 --> 00:17:02,563
in the audience
who clearly, you know,
387
00:17:02,604 --> 00:17:04,314
they're struggling with their
sexuality still, you know.
388
00:17:04,356 --> 00:17:07,943
They're not ready
to say things, and...
389
00:17:07,985 --> 00:17:09,486
but I know that after
they hear this,
390
00:17:09,528 --> 00:17:12,072
they will come out
almost immediately.
391
00:17:15,743 --> 00:17:18,412
So here we go.
392
00:17:18,454 --> 00:17:20,706
I sit my mom down...
393
00:17:22,332 --> 00:17:24,209
...and I say to her, "Mom!
394
00:17:24,251 --> 00:17:26,003
Sit down! Shut up!
395
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:27,629
And listen to me!
396
00:17:27,671 --> 00:17:31,467
I have something to say!
I am gay!"
397
00:17:33,927 --> 00:17:35,137
And my mom looks at me
and she says,
398
00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:38,057
"Joe, guess what.
You are my son.
399
00:17:38,098 --> 00:17:42,644
And I will love you
till the day I die!"
400
00:17:42,686 --> 00:17:45,147
I say, "Thank you, Mom.
I love you!"
401
00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:52,029
Then I go to my dad.
I say, "Dad! Sit down!
402
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:55,699
Shut the fuck up!
And listen to me!
403
00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:57,618
I have something to say!
404
00:17:57,659 --> 00:17:59,536
I am gay!"
405
00:18:00,954 --> 00:18:03,624
And he says, "Guess what.
406
00:18:05,459 --> 00:18:06,543
I love it.
407
00:18:06,585 --> 00:18:07,586
And you know what else?
408
00:18:07,628 --> 00:18:09,713
Gay sex is natural.
409
00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:13,550
I don't care if it's licking,
sucking, fucking, rimming.
410
00:18:13,592 --> 00:18:17,262
You're gonna do it all,
and you're starting tonight."
411
00:18:17,304 --> 00:18:20,516
I say, "Thank you, Dad.
I love you."
412
00:18:20,557 --> 00:18:22,142
Then I go
to the school principal.
413
00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:24,686
I walk right in.
414
00:18:24,728 --> 00:18:26,688
I say, "Sit down, shut up,
and listen to me!
415
00:18:26,730 --> 00:18:31,485
I have something to say!
I am gay!"
416
00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:32,945
And the principal looks at me,
and he says,
417
00:18:32,986 --> 00:18:35,447
"You better leave this office
418
00:18:35,489 --> 00:18:38,617
and walk back in
with your head held high...
419
00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:44,373
...'cause there's no way
I'm letting a student
420
00:18:44,414 --> 00:18:47,126
at my school
421
00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:50,254
be ashamed in their own skin!"
422
00:18:50,295 --> 00:18:52,256
I say, "Thank you. I love you."
423
00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:59,972
Then I go to the town square,
okay?
424
00:19:00,013 --> 00:19:01,140
They're in the middle
of a town hall meeting
425
00:19:01,181 --> 00:19:03,183
with Mr. Mayor.
426
00:19:03,225 --> 00:19:04,518
I walk right up to the podium.
427
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,812
I say, "Sit down, shut up,
and listen to me!
428
00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:08,021
I have something to say!
429
00:19:08,063 --> 00:19:09,523
I am gay!"
430
00:19:11,942 --> 00:19:13,819
And the mayor
slams the gavel down.
431
00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:16,113
I'll never forget it.
432
00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:19,658
And he walks right up to me,
433
00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:24,371
and he gives me an open-mouth
French kiss on the lips.
434
00:19:30,794 --> 00:19:32,546
That was Eric Adams,
by the way.
435
00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:37,885
And that's my coming out story.
436
00:19:37,926 --> 00:19:40,345
You guys have been so great.
I'm Joe Castle Baker.
437
00:19:40,387 --> 00:19:43,182
Have a nice night.
438
00:19:43,223 --> 00:19:45,851
Let's hear it one more time
for Joe Castle Baker.
439
00:19:45,893 --> 00:19:48,770
[cheers and applause]
440
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:57,654
Wouldn't it be nice if people
didn't have to come out?
441
00:19:57,696 --> 00:19:58,739
Getting a little serious here.
442
00:19:58,780 --> 00:20:00,490
But, you know, comedy is drama.
443
00:20:00,532 --> 00:20:02,242
Drama is comedy.
I think it's lovely
444
00:20:02,284 --> 00:20:04,077
that you meet people
who didn't actually come out.
445
00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:05,996
They're young enough
where there wasn't an issue,
446
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:07,873
and they didn't have a coming
out story like every sort of,
447
00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:10,083
as he said,
every gay person does.
448
00:20:10,125 --> 00:20:11,376
I always think
449
00:20:11,418 --> 00:20:12,836
it's fascinating
when people get together
450
00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:14,338
and they all tell
their coming out stories,
451
00:20:14,379 --> 00:20:15,923
and also when people say
to you things like,
452
00:20:15,964 --> 00:20:19,426
you know, "When did you know?
When did you first know
453
00:20:19,468 --> 00:20:21,011
that you were,
you know, whatever?"
454
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:24,348
And I always say, "When did
you know you were straight?"
455
00:20:24,389 --> 00:20:27,434
And we don't laugh.
456
00:20:27,476 --> 00:20:28,936
But this is a comedy show,
457
00:20:28,977 --> 00:20:30,979
so let's have somebody funny
for a change.
458
00:20:31,021 --> 00:20:33,607
Please say hello
to Julia Shiplett.
459
00:20:33,649 --> 00:20:36,568
[cheers and applause]
460
00:20:41,531 --> 00:20:44,284
Thank you.
461
00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:46,995
Hello. Hello.
462
00:20:47,037 --> 00:20:50,916
Oh, my God.
I'm so happy to be here.
463
00:20:50,958 --> 00:20:51,917
Oh, my God.
464
00:20:51,959 --> 00:20:53,293
Can I first do an impression
465
00:20:53,335 --> 00:20:54,962
I've just been working
really hard on lately?
466
00:20:55,003 --> 00:20:56,171
Is that okay? Okay.
467
00:20:56,213 --> 00:20:57,381
-[clears throat]
-[audience member] Whoo!
468
00:20:59,466 --> 00:21:00,759
Yes.
469
00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:02,970
If you don't give me a massage
before dinner...
470
00:21:03,011 --> 00:21:04,304
[chuckles]
471
00:21:04,346 --> 00:21:05,973
...I swear to God,
472
00:21:06,014 --> 00:21:09,726
I'm gonna ruin this whole
fucking meal for everyone!
473
00:21:09,768 --> 00:21:11,728
Thank you. That was kale.
474
00:21:11,770 --> 00:21:13,230
Anyway...
475
00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:25,784
Isn't it wild how much
the world has changed
476
00:21:25,826 --> 00:21:27,744
the past few years?
477
00:21:27,786 --> 00:21:28,954
-[audience member] Yeah.
-Hot take, sorry.
478
00:21:28,996 --> 00:21:31,331
But I just...
479
00:21:31,373 --> 00:21:34,960
some of our lives just look
so different than before.
480
00:21:35,002 --> 00:21:36,753
Not me, though,
but I have friends
481
00:21:36,795 --> 00:21:39,047
who, you know,
they're starting families.
482
00:21:39,089 --> 00:21:40,674
They're having their first kid.
483
00:21:40,716 --> 00:21:43,218
And I wanna be
supportive of them.
484
00:21:43,260 --> 00:21:45,137
But every time
one of my friends
485
00:21:45,178 --> 00:21:47,681
tells me they're pregnant now,
I can't help but be like,
486
00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:49,933
"Look, we'll take care
of this, okay?
487
00:21:51,852 --> 00:21:53,687
New York is the last place
Roe's gonna fall.
488
00:21:53,729 --> 00:21:56,565
We have time, you know?"
489
00:21:56,606 --> 00:21:57,983
And then they remind me,
490
00:21:58,025 --> 00:22:00,902
"Julia, I'm a married lesbian
doing IVF.
491
00:22:00,944 --> 00:22:03,697
This is a choice I made, okay?"
492
00:22:05,157 --> 00:22:06,575
And I'm like,
"Yeah, well, you're only 34.
493
00:22:06,616 --> 00:22:08,118
So I hope you're ready
to be a teen mom."
494
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:09,411
Yeah.
495
00:22:12,581 --> 00:22:15,709
Don't ask me to babysit.
I just...I don't know.
496
00:22:15,751 --> 00:22:16,710
People became
a lot of different
497
00:22:16,752 --> 00:22:17,878
types of parents too.
498
00:22:17,919 --> 00:22:20,297
People became baby parents,
499
00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:22,174
pet parents.
500
00:22:22,215 --> 00:22:25,135
You know, I-I got a few plants,
501
00:22:25,177 --> 00:22:26,803
but I still don't feel
responsible enough
502
00:22:26,845 --> 00:22:29,389
to call myself
a plant mom, you know?
503
00:22:29,431 --> 00:22:32,893
Even when it comes to flora,
I can't commit to motherhood.
504
00:22:32,934 --> 00:22:34,644
Yeah, I would say
I'm more of, like,
505
00:22:34,686 --> 00:22:37,731
a fun plant aunt, you know.
I just sort of, like, show up
506
00:22:37,773 --> 00:22:40,817
and take care of them
whenever I'm in the mood.
507
00:22:40,859 --> 00:22:42,194
A lot of my nephews are dead.
508
00:22:42,235 --> 00:22:46,740
It is...it's a lot
of weekly funerals.
509
00:22:49,951 --> 00:22:52,913
But I probably am older
than you think.
510
00:22:52,954 --> 00:22:54,456
I still get a lot of auditions
511
00:22:54,498 --> 00:22:57,042
for the roles of high
schoolers, high schoolers.
512
00:22:57,084 --> 00:22:58,418
And I think that's what happens
513
00:22:58,460 --> 00:22:59,795
when you look like
a tween cosplaying
514
00:22:59,836 --> 00:23:00,921
as a creative director.
515
00:23:00,962 --> 00:23:05,467
But I am in my 30s.
516
00:23:05,509 --> 00:23:07,010
I'm well into my 30s.
517
00:23:07,052 --> 00:23:09,054
And never once have
I gotten close to booking
518
00:23:09,096 --> 00:23:10,764
the role of a high schooler
519
00:23:10,806 --> 00:23:13,308
'cause apparently, Hollywood
doesn't want a 17-year-old
520
00:23:13,350 --> 00:23:15,060
with the energy
of a two-time divorcee.
521
00:23:15,102 --> 00:23:18,730
I don't know why.
522
00:23:18,772 --> 00:23:21,274
But I don't know.
523
00:23:21,316 --> 00:23:22,776
I don't wanna play
a high schooler.
524
00:23:22,818 --> 00:23:25,278
But what I am desperate
to be cast in, you guys,
525
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:26,863
is a period drama.
526
00:23:26,905 --> 00:23:29,449
Ahh. Do you love
a period drama in here?
527
00:23:29,491 --> 00:23:31,451
Oh, my God, they're so--
528
00:23:31,493 --> 00:23:34,287
the one thing I want
in this life
529
00:23:34,329 --> 00:23:36,289
is to have my teeny,
little tits
530
00:23:36,331 --> 00:23:39,626
spilling out of a corset,
illuminated by candle.
531
00:23:39,668 --> 00:23:42,254
That's all I want.
That's all I fucking want.
532
00:23:42,295 --> 00:23:44,256
And I'll play anything.
I'll play a noble.
533
00:23:44,297 --> 00:23:45,966
I'll play a serf.
I'll play the town wench.
534
00:23:46,007 --> 00:23:47,801
I don't care.
I don't, you know.
535
00:23:47,843 --> 00:23:49,594
If there's feudalism involved,
I want in.
536
00:23:49,636 --> 00:23:52,139
That's how I feel.
That's how I feel.
537
00:23:52,180 --> 00:23:56,184
But I was told that I may seem
a little too contemporary
538
00:23:56,226 --> 00:23:57,644
for those types of roles,
539
00:23:57,686 --> 00:23:59,604
which I don't think is fair,
you know.
540
00:23:59,646 --> 00:24:02,315
That's just code for, "We
don't know what race you are.
541
00:24:04,568 --> 00:24:06,611
And you talk like
a dumb bitch."
542
00:24:08,864 --> 00:24:10,949
No, I disagree. You know why?
543
00:24:10,991 --> 00:24:14,244
I think that audiences
are ready to meet
544
00:24:14,286 --> 00:24:16,997
an 18th-century housekeeper
with vocal fry.
545
00:24:22,419 --> 00:24:25,505
I think viewers are hungry
546
00:24:25,547 --> 00:24:28,675
for an ethnically
ambiguous duchess
547
00:24:28,717 --> 00:24:30,510
whose voice goes up
at the end of every sentence.
548
00:24:30,552 --> 00:24:32,471
You know what I mean?
549
00:24:32,512 --> 00:24:34,347
And to prove
that right here right now,
550
00:24:34,389 --> 00:24:37,309
I would just love to do
a quick, quick monologue
551
00:24:37,350 --> 00:24:39,019
from the classic novel
and film for you,
552
00:24:39,060 --> 00:24:40,353
Pride and Prejudice.
553
00:24:40,395 --> 00:24:41,646
Is that okay?
554
00:24:41,688 --> 00:24:44,691
Yeah, thank you.
555
00:24:44,733 --> 00:24:45,859
Hollywood, if you're here,
556
00:24:45,901 --> 00:24:47,110
consider this
my formal audition
557
00:24:47,152 --> 00:24:48,862
for your next period drama.
558
00:24:48,904 --> 00:24:50,530
And, everybody else,
pretend I'm Keira Knightley
559
00:24:50,572 --> 00:24:51,698
talking to Tom from Succession.
560
00:24:51,740 --> 00:24:52,866
Okay. [clears throat]
561
00:24:57,704 --> 00:24:59,873
And those are the words
of a gentleman?
562
00:24:59,915 --> 00:25:00,707
[scoffs]
563
00:25:07,714 --> 00:25:09,883
From the moment I met you...
564
00:25:15,263 --> 00:25:19,226
...your arrogance,
your conceit...
565
00:25:20,936 --> 00:25:25,440
...your selfish disdain
for the feelings of others
566
00:25:25,482 --> 00:25:27,025
made me realize that you are
567
00:25:27,067 --> 00:25:31,530
the last...
568
00:25:31,571 --> 00:25:35,742
man in the world
569
00:25:35,784 --> 00:25:38,203
I could ever be
prevailed upon to marry.
570
00:25:38,245 --> 00:25:39,579
Thank you so much. Thank you.
571
00:25:39,621 --> 00:25:40,664
Thank you.
572
00:25:45,418 --> 00:25:47,212
My passport's up to date
573
00:25:47,254 --> 00:25:48,255
in case
we're shooting in Europe.
574
00:25:48,296 --> 00:25:50,840
I, um...
575
00:25:50,882 --> 00:25:52,884
By the way,
I'm half Chinese, in case
576
00:25:52,926 --> 00:25:56,221
you're trying to figure
this out a little bit.
577
00:25:56,263 --> 00:25:58,765
A lot of times, people are
surprised by that, you know.
578
00:25:58,807 --> 00:26:01,476
They'll say things like,
"Half Chinese?
579
00:26:01,518 --> 00:26:03,228
I would have never
guessed that.
580
00:26:03,270 --> 00:26:04,854
I would have never
guessed that."
581
00:26:04,896 --> 00:26:06,940
And it's like, "Sir,
no one asked you to do that."
582
00:26:06,982 --> 00:26:08,817
You don't...
583
00:26:08,858 --> 00:26:11,111
No, you could simply not know,
you know?
584
00:26:17,033 --> 00:26:21,496
Quietly wonder
until it comes up organically.
585
00:26:21,538 --> 00:26:23,748
But I don't know, I think
that's what happens a lot
586
00:26:23,790 --> 00:26:25,375
when you're mixed or biracial.
587
00:26:25,417 --> 00:26:27,627
People are just kind of
curious about you sometimes,
588
00:26:27,669 --> 00:26:29,462
especially in this country.
589
00:26:29,504 --> 00:26:32,632
Like someone once told me that
I have the face of America.
590
00:26:32,674 --> 00:26:34,175
[chuckles]
591
00:26:34,217 --> 00:26:35,969
Oh, Ferrera.
Sorry, America Ferrera.
592
00:26:36,011 --> 00:26:38,346
Just to be clear.
593
00:26:38,388 --> 00:26:40,849
I see it. I do see it.
[chuckles]
594
00:26:42,684 --> 00:26:44,311
I'm biracial.
595
00:26:44,352 --> 00:26:47,981
I am also bi...myself.
I'm by myself.
596
00:26:48,023 --> 00:26:51,943
I'm single. Sorry.
597
00:26:51,985 --> 00:26:53,111
-[audience member] I love you.
-I'm single.
598
00:26:53,153 --> 00:26:54,654
Um, I don't know.
599
00:26:54,696 --> 00:26:56,906
Personally, I identify as horny
600
00:26:56,948 --> 00:26:58,992
for anyone hot
who might ruin my life.
601
00:26:59,034 --> 00:27:03,413
That's what I put in the forms.
602
00:27:03,455 --> 00:27:04,873
I feel like everybody
is bi now.
603
00:27:04,914 --> 00:27:06,708
It's kinda--everyone's--like,
604
00:27:06,750 --> 00:27:10,378
you are all bi to me
until you tell me otherwise.
605
00:27:10,420 --> 00:27:11,838
And even when you do,
I'll be like,
606
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:15,800
"We'll see about that."
It's great.
607
00:27:15,842 --> 00:27:18,178
I hope we keep going
in that direction.
608
00:27:18,219 --> 00:27:20,722
But it's kind of getting
almost a little expected,
609
00:27:20,764 --> 00:27:22,974
a little boring in a way,
you know.
610
00:27:23,016 --> 00:27:25,435
I feel like bisexuality
has sort of become the, like,
611
00:27:25,477 --> 00:27:28,688
"I like everything but country"
of sexuality.
612
00:27:33,735 --> 00:27:35,236
Country being men
who wear sunglasses
613
00:27:35,278 --> 00:27:36,154
on the back of their head.
614
00:27:36,196 --> 00:27:38,531
Nobody...nobody wants that.
615
00:27:42,827 --> 00:27:46,373
I think-I think I knew
that I wasn't straight
616
00:27:46,414 --> 00:27:47,791
for a long time,
617
00:27:47,832 --> 00:27:50,543
but I only started dating women
and queer people
618
00:27:50,585 --> 00:27:51,961
a few years ago.
619
00:27:52,003 --> 00:27:55,882
And I gotta say,
it is also bad.
620
00:27:57,759 --> 00:28:02,222
Yeah, there, I said it.
I said it, okay?
621
00:28:04,307 --> 00:28:06,142
It's different
622
00:28:06,184 --> 00:28:09,396
but also not good, you know?
623
00:28:09,437 --> 00:28:10,897
I don't know. I don't know.
624
00:28:10,939 --> 00:28:13,983
But I will say,
I feel like I'm so happy
625
00:28:14,025 --> 00:28:16,236
that people are coming out
at such early ages now
626
00:28:16,277 --> 00:28:19,197
and exploring
their sexuality much sooner.
627
00:28:19,239 --> 00:28:20,865
But I also love when people
628
00:28:20,907 --> 00:28:22,992
who are older come out
much later in life.
629
00:28:23,034 --> 00:28:25,912
Like, do you know
who came out as bisexual
630
00:28:25,954 --> 00:28:28,957
for the first time ever
last year at the age of 59?
631
00:28:30,083 --> 00:28:31,501
Carole Baskin.
632
00:28:31,543 --> 00:28:32,544
Yeah.
633
00:28:33,795 --> 00:28:36,715
Carole Baskin.
634
00:28:36,756 --> 00:28:38,174
Remember her?
635
00:28:38,216 --> 00:28:41,094
Arch nemesis...
arch nemesis of Joe Exotic,
636
00:28:41,136 --> 00:28:42,804
the tiger queen herself,
637
00:28:42,846 --> 00:28:46,141
bi icon, bicon Carole Baskin.
638
00:28:48,059 --> 00:28:51,396
And I can't think of anything
more violently queer
639
00:28:51,438 --> 00:28:53,857
than feeding your husband
to your cat.
640
00:28:53,898 --> 00:28:55,275
That's...
641
00:28:56,901 --> 00:28:58,820
Wow. Wow.
642
00:29:00,655 --> 00:29:01,906
Murder by feline.
643
00:29:01,948 --> 00:29:05,285
Very gay, very gay.
644
00:29:05,326 --> 00:29:07,287
[sighs]
You guys have been wonderful.
645
00:29:07,328 --> 00:29:08,496
Thank you so much
for having me.
646
00:29:08,538 --> 00:29:10,999
I'm gonna do
one quick impression,
647
00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:12,459
if that's okay, one more.
648
00:29:23,970 --> 00:29:25,346
[audience member] Whoo!
649
00:29:25,388 --> 00:29:27,098
Thank you.
That's an educational TikTok
650
00:29:27,140 --> 00:29:29,392
about alternatives to
the prison industrial complex.
651
00:29:29,434 --> 00:29:30,769
I'm Julia Shiplett.
652
00:29:30,810 --> 00:29:32,395
Thank you so much.
653
00:29:32,437 --> 00:29:35,315
[cheers and applause]
654
00:29:39,819 --> 00:29:44,365
We're going to have some
la dance now, everybody, yes.
655
00:29:44,407 --> 00:29:45,742
Club Cumming is very small,
but we still,
656
00:29:45,784 --> 00:29:47,786
we have had dance
quite often at Club Cumming.
657
00:29:47,827 --> 00:29:49,788
Once, the entire cast of Cats
658
00:29:49,829 --> 00:29:52,081
came on their Monday night off
and did the Jellicle Ball
659
00:29:52,123 --> 00:29:53,374
at Club Cumming.
660
00:29:53,416 --> 00:29:55,919
That's not a euphemism.
661
00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:58,129
No, funny I should set up--
'cause I just did--
662
00:29:58,171 --> 00:30:00,840
because we're going to see
some people who are going
663
00:30:00,882 --> 00:30:03,092
to bring tap back
into the queer comedy world,
664
00:30:03,134 --> 00:30:05,845
where it has been
sorely missed.
665
00:30:05,887 --> 00:30:10,350
Please give it up for
Zach Teague and Drew Lausch.
666
00:30:10,391 --> 00:30:13,269
[cheers and applause]
667
00:30:15,522 --> 00:30:17,023
-Hello, hello.
-Hello.
668
00:30:17,065 --> 00:30:20,193
How are we doing? Oh.
669
00:30:22,987 --> 00:30:24,531
God fucking damn it.
670
00:30:24,572 --> 00:30:27,116
Do I have whale tail?
671
00:30:27,158 --> 00:30:28,701
-Okay, good.
-You do.
672
00:30:28,743 --> 00:30:30,328
Oh, my God, you look amazing.
673
00:30:30,370 --> 00:30:32,664
So happy to be up here
with my BFF in the world.
674
00:30:32,705 --> 00:30:34,082
Um...[laughs]
675
00:30:34,123 --> 00:30:35,667
In the world, in this world.
676
00:30:35,708 --> 00:30:38,503
Anyway, hi. I'm Zach Teague.
677
00:30:38,545 --> 00:30:40,380
And I'm Drew Lausch.
678
00:30:40,421 --> 00:30:43,341
[both] And we're twins.
679
00:30:43,383 --> 00:30:45,510
Which one of us
has the astigmatism?
680
00:30:47,428 --> 00:30:48,888
Sorry, twins
with sexual tension.
681
00:30:48,930 --> 00:30:50,431
A lot of sexual tension.
682
00:30:50,473 --> 00:30:51,724
It's a really great commercial,
683
00:30:51,766 --> 00:30:52,725
those two blonde girls.
684
00:30:52,767 --> 00:30:55,270
[laughs] They're so cute.
685
00:30:55,311 --> 00:30:57,730
Oh, my gosh, you know,
but a little fact about us.
686
00:30:57,772 --> 00:30:58,773
I'm from Texas.
687
00:30:58,815 --> 00:31:00,608
And I'm from North Dakota.
688
00:31:00,650 --> 00:31:02,610
But something we
have in common...
689
00:31:02,652 --> 00:31:05,113
[both]
We've both fucked Phil Collins.
690
00:31:05,154 --> 00:31:07,740
[cheers and applause]
691
00:31:07,782 --> 00:31:11,035
Duh-dunk, duh-dunk, duh-dunk,
dah-dah-dah-dah.
692
00:31:11,077 --> 00:31:12,579
-Great guy. Great guy.
-[Drew] And you could say
693
00:31:12,620 --> 00:31:14,581
he left a part of himself
inside of us.
694
00:31:14,622 --> 00:31:16,541
Or you could say
he planted a seed.
695
00:31:16,583 --> 00:31:17,876
A seed of...
696
00:31:17,917 --> 00:31:19,085
-Cum.
-Music.
697
00:31:19,127 --> 00:31:21,379
-Oh, cum.
-Music.
698
00:31:21,421 --> 00:31:22,922
Oh. Okay.
699
00:31:22,964 --> 00:31:27,218
[both] Cum
700
00:31:27,260 --> 00:31:28,094
I have chills.
Do you have chills?
701
00:31:28,136 --> 00:31:29,345
Thank you. I have chills.
702
00:31:29,387 --> 00:31:30,597
I have chills.
Do you have chills?
703
00:31:30,638 --> 00:31:31,723
Is it weird
that I don't have elbows?
704
00:31:31,764 --> 00:31:33,600
Are you a nurse? [laughs]
705
00:31:33,641 --> 00:31:37,020
Um, everything you see up here
is very highbrow comedy.
706
00:31:37,061 --> 00:31:38,438
We've written it
down precisely.
707
00:31:38,479 --> 00:31:40,940
Yes, we journal together
every night, okay?
708
00:31:40,982 --> 00:31:42,609
Literally.
Very well-crafted jokes.
709
00:31:42,650 --> 00:31:45,653
But we're gonna do a little
song and dance for you
710
00:31:45,695 --> 00:31:47,238
because we're both failed
711
00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:50,658
musical theatre majors
with no outlet.
712
00:31:50,700 --> 00:31:54,329
Yes, and you could say that
this song is our origin story.
713
00:31:54,370 --> 00:31:56,289
So it all started--
Drew was wearing a bonnet
714
00:31:56,331 --> 00:31:58,666
in a field and--oh, sorry,
715
00:31:58,708 --> 00:32:00,293
this is for another time.
716
00:32:00,335 --> 00:32:00,960
-That's for another time.
-Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
717
00:32:01,002 --> 00:32:02,128
I'm sorry. Okay, so no.
718
00:32:02,170 --> 00:32:03,338
This is our origin story
719
00:32:03,379 --> 00:32:05,298
based on two straight guys
720
00:32:05,340 --> 00:32:06,799
editing their film
in Adobe Suite.
721
00:32:06,841 --> 00:32:09,969
Um, I think you guys are
really gonna like this.
722
00:32:10,011 --> 00:32:11,262
Um, and...
723
00:32:11,304 --> 00:32:12,639
[both] Hit it!
724
00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:15,558
dramatic music playing
725
00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:17,435
CNN.
726
00:32:24,192 --> 00:32:26,986
My name is Zach
727
00:32:27,028 --> 00:32:29,155
My name is Drew
728
00:32:29,197 --> 00:32:31,282
That's right.
729
00:32:31,324 --> 00:32:33,826
[both] Boo body, boo body
730
00:32:33,868 --> 00:32:38,665
Boo body, boo
731
00:32:38,706 --> 00:32:40,500
[glasses clink]
732
00:32:40,541 --> 00:32:43,169
DJ, put it in our ass.
733
00:32:43,211 --> 00:32:45,630
club music playing
734
00:32:45,672 --> 00:32:47,507
Don't own a cardigan?
735
00:32:47,548 --> 00:32:48,883
Buy one.
736
00:32:48,925 --> 00:32:50,843
Don't know what a cardigan is?
737
00:32:52,261 --> 00:32:55,348
[both] We're about to explain.
738
00:32:55,390 --> 00:32:56,307
[Zach] Listen.
739
00:32:56,349 --> 00:32:58,184
[both] Cardigans, cardigans,
740
00:32:58,226 --> 00:32:59,852
cardigans, cardigans.
741
00:32:59,894 --> 00:33:00,979
Say it again, Zach.
742
00:33:01,020 --> 00:33:02,313
Okay, cardi...
743
00:33:02,355 --> 00:33:03,648
...gans.
744
00:33:03,690 --> 00:33:05,400
Oh, we wear cardigans
to the beach.
745
00:33:05,441 --> 00:33:07,568
I've never been sad in my life.
746
00:33:07,610 --> 00:33:09,404
Because you're in a cardigan?
747
00:33:09,445 --> 00:33:11,572
[both] Hell, yeah,
that's fucking right
748
00:33:11,614 --> 00:33:15,201
Cardi-B, Cartier,
cardigans
749
00:33:15,243 --> 00:33:18,871
Zachary and Drew
are just friends
750
00:33:18,913 --> 00:33:22,667
Jesus died on a cross
for your sins
751
00:33:22,709 --> 00:33:26,379
His final words
were "cardigans"
752
00:33:26,421 --> 00:33:29,966
We know how to count to 10
753
00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:32,719
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
754
00:33:32,759 --> 00:33:35,388
10
755
00:33:35,430 --> 00:33:36,848
Welcome to the Club Cumming...
[speaking indistinctly]
756
00:33:36,889 --> 00:33:39,058
[Drew] Oh, have you ever
smoked a cigarette?
757
00:33:39,100 --> 00:33:40,643
How's Iggy Azalea doing?
758
00:33:40,685 --> 00:33:43,395
-I could use one.
-[Zach] Oh. Okay.
759
00:33:43,438 --> 00:33:44,814
[person on recording] I didn't
know I could feel like that.
760
00:33:44,855 --> 00:33:47,400
[both] Gays didn't exist
in the '20s
761
00:33:47,442 --> 00:33:50,069
Gays didn't exist
in the '20s
762
00:33:50,111 --> 00:33:52,529
Gays didn't
exist in the '20s
763
00:33:52,572 --> 00:33:54,198
My parents are together.
764
00:33:54,239 --> 00:33:55,533
And mine are divorced.
765
00:33:55,574 --> 00:33:56,743
jazzy music playing
766
00:33:56,784 --> 00:33:58,536
Yeah.
767
00:33:58,578 --> 00:34:01,122
Get into it.
768
00:34:01,163 --> 00:34:03,666
[both] Our moms would
tuck us in at night
769
00:34:03,708 --> 00:34:05,960
And tell us everything's
gonna be all right
770
00:34:06,002 --> 00:34:07,295
And it wasn't
771
00:34:07,335 --> 00:34:08,629
Hate exists.
772
00:34:08,670 --> 00:34:10,172
[both] And it wasn't
773
00:34:10,214 --> 00:34:11,882
Gays don't exist
774
00:34:11,924 --> 00:34:14,052
[both] Gays were invented
by the Democrats
775
00:34:14,093 --> 00:34:15,803
That's a fact
776
00:34:15,844 --> 00:34:17,263
We're a mirage
777
00:34:17,305 --> 00:34:19,931
Ooh
778
00:34:19,974 --> 00:34:21,392
Gays don't exist
779
00:34:21,434 --> 00:34:24,187
And we're a mirage
780
00:34:24,228 --> 00:34:27,732
[tap dancing]
781
00:34:27,774 --> 00:34:30,610
[cheers and applause]
782
00:34:44,665 --> 00:34:48,586
Oh, tap dancing gays.
783
00:34:48,628 --> 00:34:50,296
Here we go.
784
00:34:50,338 --> 00:34:51,964
-[Drew] Mm.
-[Zach] We love you.
785
00:34:52,006 --> 00:34:53,091
[Drew] Yeah.
786
00:34:55,843 --> 00:34:58,554
[both] Cardi-B, Cartier,
cardigans
787
00:34:58,596 --> 00:35:01,015
Zachary and Drew
are just friends
788
00:35:01,057 --> 00:35:03,643
Jesus died on a cross
for your sins
789
00:35:03,684 --> 00:35:06,479
His final words
were gays don't exist
790
00:35:08,147 --> 00:35:09,232
Thank you. We're Zach and Drew.
791
00:35:09,273 --> 00:35:11,526
Thank you!
792
00:35:11,567 --> 00:35:14,487
[cheers and applause]
793
00:35:17,031 --> 00:35:19,158
[announcer] Let's hear it one
more time for Zach and Drew.
794
00:35:21,119 --> 00:35:23,496
Bravo. Bravo.
795
00:35:23,955 --> 00:35:26,874
You know, someone who I think
would really have loved
796
00:35:26,916 --> 00:35:28,543
Club Cumming--
and he was actually a resident
797
00:35:28,584 --> 00:35:30,419
of the East Village--
was Quentin Crisp.
798
00:35:30,461 --> 00:35:31,963
Do you all who--
do you all know who he is?
799
00:35:32,004 --> 00:35:33,172
[light applause]
800
00:35:33,214 --> 00:35:34,841
A smattering of applause.
801
00:35:34,882 --> 00:35:36,467
I'm sure
he would have loved that.
802
00:35:36,509 --> 00:35:38,511
And one of my favorite
bon mots of his
803
00:35:38,553 --> 00:35:40,513
is what he said about LA.
804
00:35:40,555 --> 00:35:43,808
He said, "Los Angeles
805
00:35:43,850 --> 00:35:48,688
is like New York lying down."
806
00:35:53,401 --> 00:35:54,944
I know what he means.
807
00:35:54,986 --> 00:35:56,362
But anyway, we always love
808
00:35:56,404 --> 00:35:58,197
when our friends
from California come
809
00:35:58,239 --> 00:35:59,448
and visit us at Club Cumming.
810
00:35:59,490 --> 00:36:00,825
And we have
a very special one here.
811
00:36:00,867 --> 00:36:03,369
Please give it up
for Nori Reed.
812
00:36:13,629 --> 00:36:15,756
Oh, my God.
813
00:36:29,145 --> 00:36:31,063
I don't have any jokes.
[laughs]
814
00:36:40,698 --> 00:36:43,576
I filmed a set recently,
815
00:36:43,618 --> 00:36:45,912
and all those drugs are gone.
816
00:36:55,296 --> 00:36:57,256
There was this one
817
00:36:57,298 --> 00:37:01,510
where I was-I was like, uh...
818
00:37:01,552 --> 00:37:04,430
[imitates speaking]
819
00:37:09,435 --> 00:37:11,354
-Mm-hmm.
-[laughter, applause]
820
00:37:11,395 --> 00:37:13,564
Yeah, thank you.
821
00:37:13,606 --> 00:37:14,690
Thank you.
822
00:37:17,151 --> 00:37:19,237
That's exactly
how they sounded.
823
00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:26,661
Um, I'm just kidding.
824
00:37:28,371 --> 00:37:29,914
I'm kidding.
825
00:37:29,956 --> 00:37:32,333
I don't-I don't have any jokes
826
00:37:32,375 --> 00:37:34,293
'cause I'm in
my Dave Chappelle era.
827
00:37:40,841 --> 00:37:43,844
Mm-hmm. Yep.
828
00:37:43,886 --> 00:37:46,555
It's like all vibes, no jokes,
829
00:37:46,597 --> 00:37:48,766
you know?
830
00:38:06,659 --> 00:38:09,912
"Trans people
831
00:38:09,954 --> 00:38:12,832
are so f-fucking weird."
832
00:38:15,793 --> 00:38:18,421
Spot on? [laughs]
833
00:38:18,462 --> 00:38:21,132
Spot on? Spot on.
834
00:38:21,173 --> 00:38:24,802
Thank you. Thank you.
835
00:38:24,844 --> 00:38:26,012
Thank you.
836
00:38:26,053 --> 00:38:30,391
I'm highly
emotionally intelligent.
837
00:38:30,433 --> 00:38:33,436
And there are some people
over here, they're like,
838
00:38:33,477 --> 00:38:35,354
"Tell a joke."
839
00:38:42,903 --> 00:38:46,824
It's like, "I bought a ticket.
Tell a joke."
840
00:38:49,660 --> 00:38:52,913
And if that's you,
you're a capitalist.
841
00:38:58,586 --> 00:39:02,173
Oh, oh, if I tell a joke,
can I use the bathroom?
842
00:39:09,513 --> 00:39:13,559
If I make you laugh,
can I go visit my grandma,
843
00:39:13,601 --> 00:39:14,727
Jeff Bezos?
844
00:39:21,025 --> 00:39:25,863
If you-if you're so horny
for a joke,
845
00:39:25,905 --> 00:39:27,156
here's one.
846
00:39:28,449 --> 00:39:30,242
America.
847
00:39:33,371 --> 00:39:36,290
[mouthing words]
848
00:39:43,714 --> 00:39:45,424
Did she go there?
849
00:39:45,925 --> 00:39:50,304
Yeah.
850
00:39:50,346 --> 00:39:52,890
Okay.
851
00:39:52,932 --> 00:39:54,892
I'll be honest.
852
00:39:54,934 --> 00:39:56,602
I actually don't have any jokes
853
00:39:56,644 --> 00:39:58,771
'cause I write for TV now.
854
00:40:00,898 --> 00:40:05,694
So...[laughs]
855
00:40:05,736 --> 00:40:09,657
I don't have time
for this anymore.
856
00:40:11,575 --> 00:40:13,244
I don't. I'm sorry.
857
00:40:13,285 --> 00:40:15,162
I'm sorry. I'm sorry!
858
00:40:16,997 --> 00:40:19,291
I'm sorry. I write for TV.
I'm trans rich.
859
00:40:21,585 --> 00:40:25,256
I'm trans rich.
It's very niche.
860
00:40:25,297 --> 00:40:27,967
It's-it's me,
861
00:40:28,008 --> 00:40:33,055
Laverne Cox, and...
862
00:40:33,097 --> 00:40:36,392
[whispers]
...the other one, you know.
863
00:40:39,854 --> 00:40:42,022
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah.
864
00:40:42,064 --> 00:40:43,858
Do you know-do you know
who I'm talking about?
865
00:40:43,899 --> 00:40:45,109
Do you know which one?
866
00:40:45,151 --> 00:40:46,694
Do you know
who I'm talking about?
867
00:40:46,735 --> 00:40:47,736
Do you know who I'm talking
about?
868
00:40:49,363 --> 00:40:51,574
Okay, say it.
869
00:40:56,203 --> 00:40:57,830
Caitlyn Jenner.
870
00:40:57,872 --> 00:40:59,206
Why would you say that?
871
00:41:08,799 --> 00:41:13,429
I love...I do.
I love being trans rich.
872
00:41:13,471 --> 00:41:15,139
But it's a little isolating
873
00:41:15,181 --> 00:41:18,434
'cause a lot of my trans
friends are still poor.
874
00:41:21,312 --> 00:41:25,357
And it's just really hard
'cause...
875
00:41:25,399 --> 00:41:28,819
I call 'em on the phone
and I'm like,
876
00:41:28,861 --> 00:41:31,530
"Hey, how are you?"
877
00:41:31,572 --> 00:41:33,616
And they're like...
878
00:41:33,657 --> 00:41:35,034
It's they/them. Don't worry.
879
00:41:37,036 --> 00:41:38,454
...they're like,
"I don't know, rent's due.
880
00:41:38,496 --> 00:41:40,247
This month is gonna be tough."
881
00:41:43,250 --> 00:41:45,961
And I'm like, "Oh, no."
882
00:41:54,261 --> 00:41:55,846
"Let's talk about this more
at Nobu."
883
00:41:55,888 --> 00:41:57,223
[laughs]
884
00:42:04,063 --> 00:42:08,692
Okay, this isn't a joke,
but I do think it's funny.
885
00:42:10,945 --> 00:42:12,071
Gay people.
886
00:42:14,949 --> 00:42:16,408
Gay people are funny.
887
00:42:17,701 --> 00:42:19,495
It doesn't make us
any less valid.
888
00:42:22,915 --> 00:42:26,418
I personally--I don't believe
that people are born gay.
889
00:42:27,795 --> 00:42:31,674
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
890
00:42:34,468 --> 00:42:36,262
Lady Gaga got to ya.
891
00:42:38,055 --> 00:42:39,848
Born this way
892
00:42:41,141 --> 00:42:44,103
I-I personally believe
893
00:42:44,144 --> 00:42:48,941
that when a baby is born,
894
00:42:48,983 --> 00:42:50,442
they look around the room.
895
00:42:52,987 --> 00:42:54,863
And if the doctor is hot...
896
00:43:04,790 --> 00:43:08,210
No, I do think
that gay people are funny.
897
00:43:08,252 --> 00:43:11,922
I-I was in West Hollywood
last weekend,
898
00:43:11,964 --> 00:43:14,758
a very gay place.
899
00:43:14,800 --> 00:43:17,052
New Yorkers.
900
00:43:17,094 --> 00:43:19,096
God. You don't get it.
You don't get it.
901
00:43:19,138 --> 00:43:21,223
It's highly gay.
902
00:43:21,265 --> 00:43:25,936
And I was at a crosswalk
903
00:43:25,978 --> 00:43:27,146
in front of Hamburger Mary's.
904
00:43:27,187 --> 00:43:28,981
Do you guys know
what Hamburger Mary's is?
905
00:43:29,023 --> 00:43:31,609
Yeah, it's a really famous
drag bar.
906
00:43:31,650 --> 00:43:33,986
And in front of me,
there was two women.
907
00:43:34,028 --> 00:43:36,655
And they were gay.
908
00:43:41,702 --> 00:43:44,121
How do you know?
909
00:43:44,163 --> 00:43:45,331
Their hair.
910
00:43:51,879 --> 00:43:53,422
Grow up, you know? Like...
911
00:43:59,053 --> 00:44:03,223
And one of them
912
00:44:03,265 --> 00:44:06,185
had this, like, sobbing baby.
913
00:44:06,226 --> 00:44:08,228
And she was just rocking,
914
00:44:08,270 --> 00:44:11,482
rocking this sobbing,
sobbing toddler.
915
00:44:11,523 --> 00:44:14,151
And she went,
"Nicholas, there's
916
00:44:14,193 --> 00:44:16,028
a lot of boys across America
who would have died
917
00:44:16,070 --> 00:44:18,656
to have their third birthday
at Hamburger Mary's."
918
00:44:24,078 --> 00:44:25,829
That is no place for a baby.
919
00:44:29,416 --> 00:44:33,712
The bar was playing
Shania Twain
920
00:44:33,754 --> 00:44:36,632
at a volume I can only describe
as apocalyptic.
921
00:44:45,224 --> 00:44:49,061
I personally right now
think that therapy is a joke.
922
00:44:49,103 --> 00:44:53,232
-[laughter]
-[snapping]
923
00:44:53,273 --> 00:44:55,693
The snaps.
924
00:44:55,734 --> 00:44:57,486
Not the snaps.
925
00:45:00,406 --> 00:45:02,908
I kind of-I need to break up
with my therapist.
926
00:45:02,950 --> 00:45:05,119
It's just not working out.
927
00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:07,413
She-she broke her foot...
928
00:45:10,666 --> 00:45:12,376
...so it's all about her now.
929
00:45:15,546 --> 00:45:18,590
I log on to Zoom,
and I have to be like,
930
00:45:18,632 --> 00:45:21,510
"Hey, girl.
931
00:45:21,552 --> 00:45:23,053
How's your foot?"
932
00:45:31,103 --> 00:45:32,730
And then she talks about it
on my dime.
933
00:45:38,986 --> 00:45:41,530
I'm sorry, I don't wanna pay
someone $200 a week
934
00:45:41,572 --> 00:45:42,865
who broke her foot...
935
00:45:46,118 --> 00:45:47,536
...'cause at a certain point
of adulthood,
936
00:45:47,578 --> 00:45:49,163
you just learn how to walk.
937
00:45:53,584 --> 00:45:55,252
But the worst thing
that she did...
938
00:45:55,294 --> 00:45:57,963
and this is when I was like,
"I have to make a change."
939
00:45:58,005 --> 00:46:00,424
She was like, "Nori, Nori,
share something vulnerable.
940
00:46:00,466 --> 00:46:02,551
You have to share
something vulnerable."
941
00:46:02,593 --> 00:46:04,094
She kinda egged me on that way.
942
00:46:04,136 --> 00:46:08,265
And I was like,
"Okay, okay, let's do this."
943
00:46:08,307 --> 00:46:12,102
So I shared with her that
I've been sexually assaulted.
944
00:46:12,144 --> 00:46:15,981
And the moment
that I shared that,
945
00:46:16,023 --> 00:46:17,608
she bit into a Milano.
946
00:46:36,168 --> 00:46:40,881
And it was stale,
947
00:46:40,923 --> 00:46:42,883
so it really made a crunch.
948
00:46:51,809 --> 00:46:53,143
Okay, you've been nice.
949
00:46:53,185 --> 00:46:54,853
So...wait, wait.
950
00:46:54,895 --> 00:46:57,940
No, no, you've been-you've
been-you've been nice,
951
00:46:57,981 --> 00:47:00,275
so I will tell one joke.
952
00:47:01,485 --> 00:47:03,153
I will tell one.
953
00:47:06,281 --> 00:47:09,701
If I like someone
and we're really vibing,
954
00:47:09,743 --> 00:47:12,204
I tell them to transition...
955
00:47:15,207 --> 00:47:16,625
...regardless of who they are.
956
00:47:20,754 --> 00:47:24,424
And I do that because
being trans is a MLM.
957
00:47:27,553 --> 00:47:30,764
It's a pyramid scheme.
958
00:47:34,977 --> 00:47:37,062
You gotta get to the top.
959
00:47:40,524 --> 00:47:43,902
If I could get five of you
to transition...
960
00:47:48,824 --> 00:47:51,243
...I-I get a air fryer.
961
00:47:53,287 --> 00:47:54,913
That's my time. Thank you.
962
00:47:54,955 --> 00:47:57,916
[cheers and applause]
963
00:48:01,837 --> 00:48:03,714
Let's hear it for Nori Reed
one more time.
964
00:48:03,755 --> 00:48:05,215
Isn't she great?
965
00:48:05,257 --> 00:48:08,176
[cheers and applause]
966
00:48:09,469 --> 00:48:12,556
So one of the things
967
00:48:12,598 --> 00:48:14,683
when you're hosting
a comedy special
968
00:48:14,725 --> 00:48:17,644
and you're drinking
is that you have to have notes.
969
00:48:17,686 --> 00:48:20,689
And as Nori was doing her bit,
970
00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:22,608
I looked at my notes
for the next person.
971
00:48:22,649 --> 00:48:25,777
And all it said was,
"Queer Show America."
972
00:48:27,863 --> 00:48:30,198
And I have no idea
what that means.
973
00:48:30,240 --> 00:48:31,658
And I panicked,
and I was about to shout
974
00:48:31,700 --> 00:48:33,577
to my assistants, like,
"What the hell?
975
00:48:33,619 --> 00:48:34,578
What does this mean?"
976
00:48:34,620 --> 00:48:35,913
Then I thought,
977
00:48:35,954 --> 00:48:37,581
"That's the perfect way
to introduce...
978
00:48:37,623 --> 00:48:39,041
Pat Regan."
979
00:48:39,082 --> 00:48:41,960
[cheers and applause]
980
00:48:51,887 --> 00:48:54,097
Thank you. Thank you.
981
00:48:54,139 --> 00:48:55,766
Thank you,
but I wanna empower...
982
00:48:55,807 --> 00:48:58,810
I wanna empower y'all
to shut up.
983
00:48:58,852 --> 00:49:00,312
Cool. My name is Pat.
984
00:49:00,354 --> 00:49:02,356
I, too, don't know
what Queer Show America means.
985
00:49:02,397 --> 00:49:06,068
But I think it sounds
really cool.
986
00:49:07,569 --> 00:49:09,571
Yeah, I'm gay. I am gay.
That's why I'm here.
987
00:49:09,613 --> 00:49:10,656
That's why I act this way.
988
00:49:10,697 --> 00:49:13,575
Sorry.
989
00:49:13,617 --> 00:49:15,077
I would love to engage.
990
00:49:15,118 --> 00:49:17,371
This is actually perfect
'cause kind of as a queer man,
991
00:49:17,412 --> 00:49:19,373
I've been kinda conditioned
by society
992
00:49:19,414 --> 00:49:22,501
to feel safe near disco balls,
993
00:49:22,542 --> 00:49:25,462
which is not something
I saw coming as a child.
994
00:49:29,633 --> 00:49:31,259
Yeah, you know,
995
00:49:31,301 --> 00:49:33,136
I think I have the potential
to look really good.
996
00:49:33,178 --> 00:49:35,430
I had a...I ate one Kit Kat
just before this,
997
00:49:35,472 --> 00:49:36,974
and now I look awful.
998
00:49:37,015 --> 00:49:38,517
And that's so funny.
999
00:49:40,978 --> 00:49:42,229
Before...I have to share.
1000
00:49:42,270 --> 00:49:44,147
Right before we started,
someone involved
1001
00:49:44,189 --> 00:49:45,691
in the production said,
"And"--she's like, "Oh,
1002
00:49:45,732 --> 00:49:47,025
and then you could ch-
is that-
1003
00:49:47,067 --> 00:49:48,151
do you have different clothes
to change to
1004
00:49:48,193 --> 00:49:49,194
or is that your look?
Oh, perfect."
1005
00:49:52,155 --> 00:49:54,366
And I said, in a sound
I've never even heard before,
1006
00:49:54,408 --> 00:49:56,034
I said, "It's Hugo Boss!"
1007
00:49:57,995 --> 00:50:01,498
Glass shattered
all over the Village.
1008
00:50:01,540 --> 00:50:03,875
They had to bring in
new glassware for you guys.
1009
00:50:07,921 --> 00:50:09,965
It is Hugo Boss.
1010
00:50:13,051 --> 00:50:15,345
Yeah, you know, I've just been
to Austin, Texas.
1011
00:50:15,387 --> 00:50:18,849
And here's what I didn't like
about it.
1012
00:50:18,890 --> 00:50:20,058
I walk off the plane.
1013
00:50:20,100 --> 00:50:21,727
The second I step off,
you know,
1014
00:50:21,768 --> 00:50:25,355
there's a big mural
assaulting me with a sign,
1015
00:50:25,397 --> 00:50:28,066
it says, "Keep Austin weird."
And I was like,
1016
00:50:28,108 --> 00:50:30,986
"Okay, do you mind
if I just be normal?
1017
00:50:31,028 --> 00:50:32,404
Can I not be, like,
on assignment
1018
00:50:32,446 --> 00:50:33,822
to, like, dye my hair green
in your town?
1019
00:50:33,864 --> 00:50:37,034
I'm here for two days. I'm gay.
1020
00:50:37,075 --> 00:50:38,618
Is that enough?"
1021
00:50:41,413 --> 00:50:42,706
I live in New York.
1022
00:50:42,748 --> 00:50:44,958
Last week, I was
in Los Angeles, California.
1023
00:50:45,000 --> 00:50:48,295
I came back 'cause obviously,
no one asked me to stay there.
1024
00:50:52,632 --> 00:50:54,259
I was like, "I think I'm gonna
head back to the other coast
1025
00:50:54,301 --> 00:50:57,971
unless someone would like me
to star in TV and film.
1026
00:50:58,013 --> 00:51:00,891
All right, I'm gonna go."
1027
00:51:00,932 --> 00:51:02,476
I like LA. I think LA is fine.
1028
00:51:02,517 --> 00:51:04,311
I just think personally,
for me,
1029
00:51:04,352 --> 00:51:05,687
it would make
more logistical sense
1030
00:51:05,729 --> 00:51:08,940
if LA was closer
to New York, right?
1031
00:51:08,982 --> 00:51:10,400
And, you know,
I'm gonna go there.
1032
00:51:10,442 --> 00:51:14,196
I think, actually, LA
should be in New York.
1033
00:51:14,237 --> 00:51:15,572
That, to me,
would make more sense.
1034
00:51:15,614 --> 00:51:17,991
Like, if I was an urban
planner, God forbid...
1035
00:51:20,911 --> 00:51:23,038
...I would take LA,
in my planning.
1036
00:51:23,080 --> 00:51:24,289
I would come
and crack my knuckles.
1037
00:51:24,331 --> 00:51:26,792
I would take LA,
1038
00:51:26,833 --> 00:51:29,711
and I would put it
where Staten Island is,
1039
00:51:29,753 --> 00:51:31,129
you know, do a little reorg.
1040
00:51:31,171 --> 00:51:32,422
And then Staten Island,
1041
00:51:32,464 --> 00:51:35,801
which is so nice to have
but we rarely use...
1042
00:51:39,429 --> 00:51:41,473
...I would take that and I
would put it on the West Coast,
1043
00:51:41,515 --> 00:51:43,850
which I kind of view
as storage space.
1044
00:51:49,189 --> 00:51:52,692
I'm exhausted. I'm very tired.
I had a very full day.
1045
00:51:52,734 --> 00:51:54,486
I had to print
something out today.
1046
00:51:56,863 --> 00:52:00,867
It's crazy the hoops
they make you jump through.
1047
00:52:00,909 --> 00:52:04,412
The red tape is wild.
1048
00:52:04,454 --> 00:52:05,705
I'll tell you what,
it is easier
1049
00:52:05,747 --> 00:52:08,667
to get a gun in this country
1050
00:52:08,708 --> 00:52:11,878
than it is
to print something out.
1051
00:52:11,920 --> 00:52:15,674
And I swore I wouldn't do it,
but I call for a forum.
1052
00:52:18,426 --> 00:52:20,220
Let me know
if that goes anywhere.
1053
00:52:24,057 --> 00:52:25,350
No, I actually
just chilled today.
1054
00:52:25,392 --> 00:52:27,686
I watch a lot of makeover
shows, like,
1055
00:52:27,727 --> 00:52:29,146
makeover shows
where people come in
1056
00:52:29,187 --> 00:52:31,690
and they actually use
special strategies
1057
00:52:31,731 --> 00:52:33,817
to make someone
a little bit hotter.
1058
00:52:33,859 --> 00:52:36,528
And my favorite one
actually is Queer Eye.
1059
00:52:36,570 --> 00:52:39,447
I love that show Queer Eye.
It's so good.
1060
00:52:39,489 --> 00:52:41,533
And what I love about Queer Eye
1061
00:52:41,575 --> 00:52:44,536
is they have this ethos
where they come in doe-eyed,
1062
00:52:44,578 --> 00:52:49,166
and they're like, "Hey, hi.
Listen, first of all,
1063
00:52:49,207 --> 00:52:53,003
what matters is not
how you look, okay?
1064
00:52:53,044 --> 00:52:56,673
What matters is how you feel.
1065
00:52:56,715 --> 00:52:59,801
And how you feel is based
on how you look.
1066
00:53:06,975 --> 00:53:08,226
So we're gonna teach you
about under eye stick
1067
00:53:08,268 --> 00:53:11,688
for that reason."
1068
00:53:11,730 --> 00:53:12,981
I think that's so cool.
1069
00:53:13,023 --> 00:53:14,983
I, too,
was in a strange--you know,
1070
00:53:15,025 --> 00:53:17,861
I struggled a little bit
with body dysmorphia.
1071
00:53:17,903 --> 00:53:20,113
Had some eating issues.
1072
00:53:20,155 --> 00:53:22,699
One part of my pandemic is,
I actually gained 40 pounds.
1073
00:53:22,741 --> 00:53:26,203
And I subsequently
have lost 25 of them.
1074
00:53:26,244 --> 00:53:28,205
Calm down.
1075
00:53:28,246 --> 00:53:30,999
Don't moan about it.
1076
00:53:31,041 --> 00:53:34,586
And the way I lost the weight
1077
00:53:34,628 --> 00:53:36,546
is an app called Noom.
1078
00:53:36,588 --> 00:53:38,590
Do you know about Noom the app?
1079
00:53:38,632 --> 00:53:40,592
Yeah, it's an amazing app
that kind of, like,
1080
00:53:40,634 --> 00:53:43,303
helps you have an eating
disorder for a little while.
1081
00:53:44,471 --> 00:53:47,098
So cool that it got invented
by the app inventors.
1082
00:53:47,140 --> 00:53:50,518
And-and I found out about Noom
1083
00:53:50,560 --> 00:53:52,062
the same way
you find out about every diet,
1084
00:53:52,103 --> 00:53:53,688
which is that
my straight cousin's fiancé
1085
00:53:53,730 --> 00:53:55,273
lost 19 pounds
before her wedding,
1086
00:53:55,315 --> 00:53:57,150
and now that's all my mom
talks about.
1087
00:53:59,819 --> 00:54:01,780
And, you know,
I was setting up my Noom
1088
00:54:01,821 --> 00:54:03,156
and I was answering
all their questions,
1089
00:54:03,198 --> 00:54:04,699
I got to one page
that was like,
1090
00:54:04,741 --> 00:54:06,534
"Have you ever had
an eating disorder before?"
1091
00:54:06,576 --> 00:54:09,037
So I clicked yes, and then
the next page was like,
1092
00:54:09,079 --> 00:54:10,330
"Go! Run.
You can't be here. Run.
1093
00:54:10,372 --> 00:54:13,208
This is not for you. Leave.
Leave now."
1094
00:54:13,250 --> 00:54:15,252
But then thank God
there was a Back button...
1095
00:54:19,714 --> 00:54:22,217
Which I hit, and I said no,
1096
00:54:22,259 --> 00:54:25,262
and they were like,
"Oh, my God, welcome to Noom.
1097
00:54:25,303 --> 00:54:28,515
This is gonna be amazing
for you, bitch!"
1098
00:54:30,100 --> 00:54:31,685
So yeah,
I'm a master manipulator.
1099
00:54:31,726 --> 00:54:33,311
I'm living a double life.
1100
00:54:37,357 --> 00:54:40,485
Yeah, you know, I recently was
on actually Comedy Central's
1101
00:54:40,527 --> 00:54:41,987
Instagram account.
1102
00:54:42,028 --> 00:54:44,072
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
1103
00:54:44,114 --> 00:54:45,282
I don't even wanna hear
your point.
1104
00:54:45,323 --> 00:54:48,451
You don't get it, okay?
'Cause it's huge.
1105
00:54:48,493 --> 00:54:52,455
And it's the Purple Heart
of our times.
1106
00:54:52,497 --> 00:54:55,000
So I don't wanna hear it.
1107
00:54:55,041 --> 00:54:56,751
And, you know, I really
didn't do gay material.
1108
00:54:56,793 --> 00:55:00,839
I just did truly, like,
family values shit.
1109
00:55:00,880 --> 00:55:03,550
But I did speak in this voice,
and it upset straight people
1110
00:55:03,591 --> 00:55:05,510
across the nation, I would say.
1111
00:55:07,887 --> 00:55:10,056
You know, they thought I was
doing it on purpose, actually,
1112
00:55:10,098 --> 00:55:12,475
which I agree
would be sociopathic.
1113
00:55:16,187 --> 00:55:18,690
But I actually speak like this
on accident.
1114
00:55:18,732 --> 00:55:22,610
And so I read
every single comment
1115
00:55:22,652 --> 00:55:25,572
'cause I'm absolutely
fucking obsessed with myself.
1116
00:55:25,613 --> 00:55:27,324
And it was just like,
"Gay people aren't funny.
1117
00:55:27,365 --> 00:55:29,576
I hate gay people.
I hate their white-girl wine.
1118
00:55:29,617 --> 00:55:31,411
We get it. You like dick.
1119
00:55:31,453 --> 00:55:34,414
You don't gotta sound
like one's in you right now."
1120
00:55:34,456 --> 00:55:36,291
And I was like,
"Okay, what gay porn
1121
00:55:36,333 --> 00:55:39,336
have you been watching...
1122
00:55:39,377 --> 00:55:40,670
that these bottoms
1123
00:55:40,712 --> 00:55:42,464
are delivering
perfectly crafted jokes
1124
00:55:42,505 --> 00:55:46,301
while being
absolutely penetrated?"
1125
00:55:46,343 --> 00:55:47,844
When I have a dick in me
right now,
1126
00:55:47,886 --> 00:55:50,055
it's a completely different
soundscape.
1127
00:55:55,226 --> 00:55:56,811
But actually, then it has
a happy ending.
1128
00:55:56,853 --> 00:55:58,396
The story has a happy ending
1129
00:55:58,438 --> 00:55:59,564
'cause then all of a sudden,
people did at the bottom
1130
00:55:59,606 --> 00:56:01,232
started coming in
and saying like,
1131
00:56:01,274 --> 00:56:02,817
"Shut up. You just be quiet.
Gay people are funny."
1132
00:56:02,859 --> 00:56:04,611
One person was like,
1133
00:56:04,652 --> 00:56:09,407
"Just because this gay person
isn't funny does not mean
1134
00:56:09,449 --> 00:56:11,910
no gay people are funny."
I was like,
1135
00:56:11,951 --> 00:56:15,080
"Oh, my God, even the allies
are absolutely dragging me."
1136
00:56:20,460 --> 00:56:23,338
You know, I love teen culture.
I love teens.
1137
00:56:23,380 --> 00:56:25,173
I love the drama
that teens often choose
1138
00:56:25,215 --> 00:56:27,759
to create for themselves
and those around them.
1139
00:56:29,636 --> 00:56:31,054
I love a teen movie.
I really do.
1140
00:56:31,096 --> 00:56:33,431
I saw Love Simon. So important.
1141
00:56:33,473 --> 00:56:36,684
If you haven't seen it--if
you haven't seen Love Simon,
1142
00:56:36,726 --> 00:56:39,813
the plot is that someone's gay.
1143
00:56:39,854 --> 00:56:41,606
Outstanding, and...
1144
00:56:42,899 --> 00:56:44,359
...and another thing,
Love Simon
1145
00:56:44,401 --> 00:56:47,112
actually opens
on a countdown to graduation.
1146
00:56:47,153 --> 00:56:48,780
And when a movie opens
first frame
1147
00:56:48,822 --> 00:56:50,782
and it's a countdown
to graduation, I'm just like,
1148
00:56:50,824 --> 00:56:53,034
"All right, the emotional
stakes are huge!"
1149
00:56:56,830 --> 00:56:58,581
And so that's my kind of vibe.
1150
00:56:58,623 --> 00:57:00,625
And then, you know, recently,
I actually,
1151
00:57:00,667 --> 00:57:01,793
I hurt my foot very badly.
1152
00:57:01,835 --> 00:57:03,211
And I was bedridden
for two weeks,
1153
00:57:03,253 --> 00:57:05,713
which is unbelievable
for my depression,
1154
00:57:05,755 --> 00:57:07,799
and, um...
1155
00:57:07,841 --> 00:57:09,509
but I'm an artist, right?
I'm a creator.
1156
00:57:09,551 --> 00:57:12,470
So I'm always working.
I'm always creating.
1157
00:57:12,512 --> 00:57:15,432
And so I actually did use
the time
1158
00:57:15,473 --> 00:57:18,226
to workshop a treatment
for my own teen movie.
1159
00:57:18,268 --> 00:57:20,353
And so if it's not too gauche,
1160
00:57:20,395 --> 00:57:21,521
I would like to recite
that treatment
1161
00:57:21,563 --> 00:57:22,480
for the end of my set.
1162
00:57:22,522 --> 00:57:24,524
Thank you.
1163
00:57:24,566 --> 00:57:26,818
So the movie is called
Bedridden.
1164
00:57:28,319 --> 00:57:30,405
And it's about
this very hot girl,
1165
00:57:30,447 --> 00:57:34,242
who's also--wait--
really popular
1166
00:57:34,284 --> 00:57:37,662
and--here's the kicker--rich.
1167
00:57:37,704 --> 00:57:39,414
So she's kind of a shoo in
for prom queen,
1168
00:57:39,456 --> 00:57:41,124
if that makes sense.
1169
00:57:41,166 --> 00:57:43,960
And ostensibly, she has it all.
1170
00:57:44,002 --> 00:57:46,838
But then senior year,
she falls off the escalator
1171
00:57:46,880 --> 00:57:49,382
at the mall
1172
00:57:49,424 --> 00:57:52,302
and becomes bedridden.
1173
00:57:52,343 --> 00:57:54,804
So the next day,
this nerdy guy with, like,
1174
00:57:54,846 --> 00:57:58,850
a secret good body...
1175
00:57:58,892 --> 00:58:00,310
shows up at her door.
1176
00:58:00,351 --> 00:58:02,520
And she creaks it open
and she's like,
1177
00:58:02,562 --> 00:58:06,107
"Ew, freak,
what are you doing here?"
1178
00:58:06,149 --> 00:58:08,359
And he's like, "Hey, I don't
like this either, okay?
1179
00:58:08,401 --> 00:58:09,611
The teacher said
I had to bring over
1180
00:58:09,652 --> 00:58:11,154
your trig homework,
and she said
1181
00:58:11,196 --> 00:58:13,490
I had to go over what we did
in class with you."
1182
00:58:13,531 --> 00:58:17,452
And the girl is like,
"You're such a little perv."
1183
00:58:17,494 --> 00:58:19,204
And he's like, "Hey, I don't
like this either, okay?
1184
00:58:19,245 --> 00:58:21,873
I think you're really shallow."
1185
00:58:21,915 --> 00:58:23,416
So he comes in
and starts, like,
1186
00:58:23,458 --> 00:58:25,960
doing trig with this girl,
and meanwhile,
1187
00:58:26,002 --> 00:58:28,379
she does have a boyfriend,
whose name is Trevor.
1188
00:58:28,421 --> 00:58:29,339
And he is on the football team.
1189
00:58:29,380 --> 00:58:31,299
And he's very hot.
1190
00:58:31,341 --> 00:58:32,759
But he's, like, not a good guy.
1191
00:58:32,800 --> 00:58:34,260
And he's mean to Nerd
all the time.
1192
00:58:34,302 --> 00:58:37,180
So, like, that's going on too.
1193
00:58:41,809 --> 00:58:44,771
So then one day,
1194
00:58:44,812 --> 00:58:47,857
Nerd is doing trig
with this girl.
1195
00:58:47,899 --> 00:58:49,317
And he throws his pencil down
1196
00:58:49,359 --> 00:58:52,320
and looks at her and says,
"You know,
1197
00:58:52,362 --> 00:58:54,697
you could be really good
at this if you wanted to be.
1198
00:58:54,739 --> 00:58:56,407
You're smart, Trisha."
1199
00:58:58,993 --> 00:59:00,995
No one's ever told her this
before.
1200
00:59:01,037 --> 00:59:05,416
She's like, "Well, my home
life isn't exactly easy, okay?
1201
00:59:08,169 --> 00:59:10,129
My mom always makes me
do pageants.
1202
00:59:10,171 --> 00:59:12,757
And she monitors
what I eat and stuff."
1203
00:59:12,799 --> 00:59:15,510
And he's like,
"Man, that sucks.
1204
00:59:15,552 --> 00:59:19,264
My mom died before I was born."
1205
00:59:24,727 --> 00:59:27,647
And she's like, "Oh, my God,
that must be really hard."
1206
00:59:27,689 --> 00:59:29,065
And he's like,
"Don't worry about it, okay?
1207
00:59:29,107 --> 00:59:31,651
That's why I work
so hard in school.
1208
00:59:31,693 --> 00:59:35,113
I'm gonna get out of this town
one day, unlike Trevor."
1209
00:59:35,154 --> 00:59:36,364
And then he's not sure
if he should say this,
1210
00:59:36,406 --> 00:59:39,951
but he goes,
"Can I ask you something?"
1211
00:59:42,120 --> 00:59:43,538
To which she says,
"I'm bedridden.
1212
00:59:43,580 --> 00:59:46,291
I'm not going anywhere."
1213
00:59:46,332 --> 00:59:48,960
And he's like,
"What do you see in that guy?"
1214
00:59:50,670 --> 00:59:53,172
She's like, "I don't know.
1215
00:59:53,214 --> 00:59:54,215
It's just always felt like he's
1216
00:59:54,257 --> 00:59:56,467
who I'm supposed to be with."
1217
00:59:56,968 --> 00:59:58,970
And he's like, "Well, Trisha,
I think you deserve
1218
00:59:59,012 --> 01:00:00,597
to be with someone
really special,
1219
01:00:00,638 --> 01:00:02,932
who's actually gonna get
out of this town one day."
1220
01:00:04,767 --> 01:00:07,312
And she's like, "Yeah, maybe.
1221
01:00:07,353 --> 01:00:09,105
But I still don't get cosines."
1222
01:00:09,147 --> 01:00:10,690
And he's like,
"Right, back to trig."
1223
01:00:12,859 --> 01:00:14,986
So then about two weeks
after that,
1224
01:00:15,028 --> 01:00:16,571
Trisha goes near her window
1225
01:00:16,613 --> 01:00:18,489
to get in a good mood
from sunlight.
1226
01:00:21,367 --> 01:00:24,329
And she sees Trevor
fully hooking up
1227
01:00:24,370 --> 01:00:26,289
with her best friend
on her front yard
1228
01:00:26,331 --> 01:00:27,707
for no reason.
1229
01:00:29,667 --> 01:00:32,086
And she is devastated.
1230
01:00:32,128 --> 01:00:33,796
So Nerd comes over
and he sees her.
1231
01:00:33,838 --> 01:00:35,923
And he's just like,
1232
01:00:35,965 --> 01:00:39,177
"We're not doing trig today.
1233
01:00:39,218 --> 01:00:41,012
What's going on?"
1234
01:00:41,054 --> 01:00:43,348
And she gives this
unbelievable line read,
1235
01:00:43,389 --> 01:00:45,016
where she goes,
1236
01:00:45,058 --> 01:00:47,685
"I was supposed
to be prom queen.
1237
01:00:47,727 --> 01:00:50,688
And now I can't even go to prom
1238
01:00:50,730 --> 01:00:53,066
because I'm bedridden!"
1239
01:00:55,526 --> 01:00:59,489
So then two weeks after that,
prom night,
1240
01:00:59,530 --> 01:01:00,823
Trisha's just, like,
sitting in her room
1241
01:01:00,865 --> 01:01:02,992
in her pajamas, nowhere to go.
1242
01:01:03,034 --> 01:01:06,704
Nerd comes in with a dress
and a wheelchair.
1243
01:01:06,746 --> 01:01:10,541
And he looks at her
and he just says, "Get in."
1244
01:01:12,710 --> 01:01:14,295
And she's like, "What?"
1245
01:01:14,337 --> 01:01:15,380
And he's like,
"It's a wheelchair.
1246
01:01:15,421 --> 01:01:17,215
Do you trust me? Get in."
1247
01:01:19,384 --> 01:01:21,552
So cut to Nerd, like,
wheeling her into prom.
1248
01:01:21,594 --> 01:01:23,346
And he leans in and he says,
1249
01:01:23,388 --> 01:01:25,223
"You know, if I couldn't
bring you to prom,
1250
01:01:25,264 --> 01:01:27,684
I thought I'd bring prom
to you."
1251
01:01:27,725 --> 01:01:30,269
And she's like, "Yeah,
but you did bring me to prom."
1252
01:01:31,729 --> 01:01:32,855
And he's like, "I know. I know.
1253
01:01:32,897 --> 01:01:33,898
I just, like, wanted
to say that."
1254
01:01:33,940 --> 01:01:35,900
She's like, "I get it.
I get it."
1255
01:01:35,942 --> 01:01:37,402
So then against all odds,
1256
01:01:37,443 --> 01:01:39,904
Trisha actually wins
prom queen.
1257
01:01:39,946 --> 01:01:41,531
And she is dancing with Nerd
in her wheelchair
1258
01:01:41,572 --> 01:01:45,993
and she says, "You know,
I never thought senior year,
1259
01:01:46,035 --> 01:01:48,246
I'd fall off the escalator
at the mall
1260
01:01:48,287 --> 01:01:50,707
and become bedridden..."
1261
01:01:50,748 --> 01:01:52,917
And then she continues,
1262
01:01:52,959 --> 01:01:56,546
"...and I never knew
it would be the best thing
1263
01:01:56,587 --> 01:01:59,257
that ever happened to me!"
1264
01:01:59,298 --> 01:02:00,550
And they kiss.
1265
01:02:00,591 --> 01:02:01,426
That's the movie.
Thank you, guys, so much.
1266
01:02:01,467 --> 01:02:02,218
I'm Pat Regan.
1267
01:02:03,845 --> 01:02:06,806
[Alan] Pat Regan, everybody.
1268
01:02:06,848 --> 01:02:09,600
[cheers and applause]
1269
01:02:09,642 --> 01:02:13,187
I'd love to see that movie.
1270
01:02:13,229 --> 01:02:15,273
One of the loveliest things
about Club Cumming
1271
01:02:15,314 --> 01:02:17,233
for me is the way
that I have noticed
1272
01:02:17,275 --> 01:02:18,860
that so many of the acts
1273
01:02:18,901 --> 01:02:20,570
we have
are actually musical acts
1274
01:02:20,611 --> 01:02:23,281
that are also
fucking hilarious.
1275
01:02:23,322 --> 01:02:26,451
To wit, please give it up
for the absolutely darling
1276
01:02:26,492 --> 01:02:28,786
and incredible Larry Owens.
1277
01:02:28,828 --> 01:02:31,789
[cheers and applause]
1278
01:02:38,504 --> 01:02:41,299
Men
1279
01:02:41,340 --> 01:02:43,426
I don't want 'em,
I don't need 'em
1280
01:02:43,468 --> 01:02:46,304
Throw the whole
gender away
1281
01:02:46,345 --> 01:02:49,557
Men
1282
01:02:49,599 --> 01:02:51,434
You might try to leave 'em
1283
01:02:51,476 --> 01:02:54,061
But they'll find you
anyway
1284
01:02:54,103 --> 01:02:55,855
Frank was bad
1285
01:02:55,897 --> 01:02:57,648
Norman was worse
1286
01:02:57,690 --> 01:02:59,984
I tried to leave
Jean Pierre
1287
01:03:00,026 --> 01:03:01,819
But he left me first
1288
01:03:01,861 --> 01:03:05,198
Hassan is gone
just like Deshawn
1289
01:03:05,239 --> 01:03:07,074
Men are the lowest forms
of trash
1290
01:03:07,116 --> 01:03:10,161
In this whole universe
1291
01:03:10,203 --> 01:03:13,915
Men are scum historically
1292
01:03:13,956 --> 01:03:17,877
Adam bit the apple
and then blamed it on Eve
1293
01:03:17,919 --> 01:03:21,464
Those clods are odd,
just ask the Marquis de Sade
1294
01:03:21,506 --> 01:03:25,384
Hopefully, we see femmes
like me be free
1295
01:03:25,426 --> 01:03:29,514
'Cause men
1296
01:03:29,555 --> 01:03:31,474
I don't want 'em,
I don't need 'em
1297
01:03:31,516 --> 01:03:34,310
Throw
the whole species away
1298
01:03:34,352 --> 01:03:37,605
Men
1299
01:03:37,647 --> 01:03:39,273
You might try to leave 'em
1300
01:03:39,315 --> 01:03:42,693
But anyway
1301
01:03:42,735 --> 01:03:45,279
But when they touch
my hips
1302
01:03:45,321 --> 01:03:49,617
And the small of my back
1303
01:03:49,659 --> 01:03:53,287
I simply lose
1304
01:03:53,329 --> 01:03:56,791
My faculties
1305
01:03:56,833 --> 01:03:57,875
[laughs]
1306
01:03:57,917 --> 01:03:59,460
I start to tremble
1307
01:03:59,502 --> 01:04:01,546
I start to shake
1308
01:04:01,587 --> 01:04:05,633
I turn into a dummy
1309
01:04:05,675 --> 01:04:09,262
Because
I temporarily forget
1310
01:04:09,303 --> 01:04:13,307
That men are disease
1311
01:04:13,349 --> 01:04:14,684
Sing it!
1312
01:04:14,725 --> 01:04:16,936
[all] Men
1313
01:04:16,978 --> 01:04:18,271
I don't want 'em
1314
01:04:18,312 --> 01:04:19,480
I don't need 'em
1315
01:04:19,522 --> 01:04:21,190
Throw
the whole concept away
1316
01:04:21,232 --> 01:04:22,441
Sing it!
1317
01:04:22,483 --> 01:04:23,776
[all] Men
1318
01:04:23,818 --> 01:04:25,945
That's nice.
1319
01:04:25,987 --> 01:04:30,074
You might try to leave 'em,
but they'll find you anyway
1320
01:04:30,116 --> 01:04:33,077
[scatting]
1321
01:04:34,328 --> 01:04:37,248
[vocalizing]
1322
01:04:39,792 --> 01:04:43,045
Stupid, nasty,
filthy fucking men
1323
01:04:43,087 --> 01:04:44,881
[vocalizing]
1324
01:04:44,922 --> 01:04:46,424
Sing it.
1325
01:04:46,465 --> 01:04:47,884
[all] Men
1326
01:04:48,926 --> 01:04:51,804
[cheers and applause]
1327
01:05:07,194 --> 01:05:11,240
Yes, here I am,
1328
01:05:11,282 --> 01:05:15,411
dressed like an extra
from The Gilded Age.
1329
01:05:15,453 --> 01:05:17,496
"Mrs. Astor..."
1330
01:05:17,538 --> 01:05:19,957
That's Carrie Coon,
1331
01:05:19,999 --> 01:05:24,086
the Chicagoland actress.
1332
01:05:24,128 --> 01:05:28,090
Carrie Coon, one of those
actresses with a last name
1333
01:05:28,132 --> 01:05:31,135
that you don't know
if you should pronounce.
1334
01:05:31,177 --> 01:05:34,305
Carrie Coon, Ruth Negga,
1335
01:05:34,347 --> 01:05:37,350
and so on and so forth.
1336
01:05:37,391 --> 01:05:39,352
You can play the next track.
1337
01:05:39,393 --> 01:05:42,897
lively music playing
1338
01:05:42,939 --> 01:05:46,484
The '20s are coming,
but I just can't unwind
1339
01:05:46,525 --> 01:05:48,486
Because there is
a something that's
1340
01:05:48,527 --> 01:05:53,407
Always on my mind
1341
01:06:01,457 --> 01:06:03,542
I can't breathe
1342
01:06:05,461 --> 01:06:07,380
I can't breathe
1343
01:06:09,966 --> 01:06:14,095
I-I-I
1344
01:06:14,136 --> 01:06:17,848
I can't breathe
1345
01:06:17,890 --> 01:06:20,059
The sounds of screaming
feels like music
1346
01:06:20,101 --> 01:06:21,811
Feels like New Orleans
1347
01:06:21,852 --> 01:06:25,439
Feels like the sound of us
crying Black boys
1348
01:06:25,481 --> 01:06:28,317
While others try to make
this country become great
1349
01:06:28,359 --> 01:06:31,779
I ruminate on issues
and conflate
1350
01:06:31,821 --> 01:06:33,698
I can't breathe
like Trayvon Martin
1351
01:06:33,739 --> 01:06:35,491
I can't breathe
like Sandra Bland
1352
01:06:35,533 --> 01:06:38,411
I can't breathe as I record
my own demise
1353
01:06:38,452 --> 01:06:42,999
With the iPhone in my hand
1354
01:06:43,040 --> 01:06:44,792
I can't breathe
like Eric Garner
1355
01:06:44,834 --> 01:06:46,544
I can't breathe
like Tamir Rice
1356
01:06:46,585 --> 01:06:48,295
I can't breathe
'cause we as Black men
1357
01:06:48,337 --> 01:06:50,214
Most in danger
are Black trans lives
1358
01:06:50,256 --> 01:06:52,216
I can't breathe
just like Philando
1359
01:06:52,258 --> 01:06:54,176
I can't breathe like
Botham Jean
1360
01:06:54,218 --> 01:06:56,554
You might think it's dumb
to say their names
1361
01:06:56,595 --> 01:07:00,558
But I'll go on
1362
01:07:00,599 --> 01:07:02,560
Run
1363
01:07:02,601 --> 01:07:07,481
Voice, run
1364
01:07:07,523 --> 01:07:11,027
Right toward
1365
01:07:11,068 --> 01:07:14,655
The sun
1366
01:07:14,697 --> 01:07:15,990
You
1367
01:07:16,032 --> 01:07:20,703
Already won
1368
01:07:20,745 --> 01:07:23,998
So ride on
1369
01:07:24,040 --> 01:07:27,752
Ride on, ride on
1370
01:07:27,793 --> 01:07:29,628
Ride on
1371
01:07:29,670 --> 01:07:32,423
I-I-I
1372
01:07:32,465 --> 01:07:36,427
I
1373
01:07:36,469 --> 01:07:39,847
I-I-I-I-I
1374
01:07:39,889 --> 01:07:43,350
I can't breathe
1375
01:07:43,392 --> 01:07:45,519
And in my niece's eyes
1376
01:07:45,560 --> 01:07:47,271
And in my nephew's smile
1377
01:07:47,313 --> 01:07:48,898
I get the strength
to journey on
1378
01:07:48,939 --> 01:07:50,357
And run another mile
1379
01:07:50,399 --> 01:07:52,109
My sister still
is proud of me
1380
01:07:52,151 --> 01:07:54,070
My cousin still lives on
1381
01:07:54,111 --> 01:07:55,362
My mother's strength
is giving me
1382
01:07:55,403 --> 01:07:57,573
The strength to sing this
1383
01:07:57,615 --> 01:08:01,452
Song
1384
01:08:01,493 --> 01:08:04,371
[cheers and applause]
1385
01:08:12,254 --> 01:08:14,548
The '20s are coming
1386
01:08:14,590 --> 01:08:18,094
But believe you me,
we got a ways to go
1387
01:08:18,135 --> 01:08:21,805
It starts when you can see
1388
01:08:21,847 --> 01:08:24,809
That I can't...
1389
01:08:26,519 --> 01:08:27,478
[gasps]
1390
01:08:28,229 --> 01:08:29,563
[sighs]
1391
01:08:31,189 --> 01:08:34,109
[cheers and applause]
1392
01:08:55,381 --> 01:08:58,216
Sometimes comedy is not funny.
1393
01:08:58,259 --> 01:09:01,137
[laughter]
1394
01:09:01,178 --> 01:09:02,555
Dave Chappelle. Okay.
1395
01:09:02,595 --> 01:09:04,890
[laughs]
1396
01:09:04,932 --> 01:09:06,809
You can play
the last track, John.
1397
01:09:06,850 --> 01:09:08,602
piano music playing
1398
01:09:08,644 --> 01:09:11,229
The darkest moment
of pandemic
1399
01:09:11,272 --> 01:09:15,609
Was when I used my own
podcast code for BetterHelp
1400
01:09:24,535 --> 01:09:28,080
Marjorie
1401
01:09:28,122 --> 01:09:30,541
My therapist
1402
01:09:30,583 --> 01:09:35,129
Sweet white lady
1403
01:09:35,171 --> 01:09:37,715
Who gets it
1404
01:09:38,632 --> 01:09:42,511
She listens
1405
01:09:42,553 --> 01:09:46,182
She listens
1406
01:09:46,223 --> 01:09:48,392
I talk
1407
01:09:48,434 --> 01:09:53,272
And I use her
like a glory hole
1408
01:09:53,314 --> 01:09:55,149
I walk in
1409
01:09:55,191 --> 01:09:56,108
[whispers] I walk in.
1410
01:09:56,150 --> 01:09:57,443
I get service
1411
01:09:57,484 --> 01:09:58,777
[whispers] I get service.
1412
01:09:58,819 --> 01:10:02,031
I know nothing about her
1413
01:10:02,072 --> 01:10:06,744
Then I leave
1414
01:10:06,785 --> 01:10:09,830
Marjorie
1415
01:10:09,872 --> 01:10:12,708
[cheers and applause]
1416
01:10:12,750 --> 01:10:15,085
Marjorie
1417
01:10:15,127 --> 01:10:18,172
M-m-m-my therapist
1418
01:10:18,214 --> 01:10:23,093
Sweet white lady
1419
01:10:23,135 --> 01:10:26,263
Who gets it
1420
01:10:26,305 --> 01:10:30,100
I doubted her
1421
01:10:30,142 --> 01:10:34,104
I dismissed her
1422
01:10:34,146 --> 01:10:36,565
And I made her
1423
01:10:36,607 --> 01:10:40,569
Just listen to me
for weeks
1424
01:10:40,611 --> 01:10:42,446
Marjorie
1425
01:10:42,488 --> 01:10:45,324
But then one day
1426
01:10:45,366 --> 01:10:47,159
One day
1427
01:10:47,201 --> 01:10:51,121
She said something
profound
1428
01:10:51,163 --> 01:10:53,332
And I was like, "You've been
listening this entire time?
1429
01:10:53,374 --> 01:10:55,000
You fucking bitch"
1430
01:10:55,042 --> 01:10:58,629
Marjorie
1431
01:10:58,671 --> 01:11:02,466
But then I lost
my insurance
1432
01:11:02,508 --> 01:11:05,970
And I couldn't see
Marjorie
1433
01:11:06,011 --> 01:11:08,389
And I tried to email
and telephone her to my desk
1434
01:11:08,430 --> 01:11:10,182
I tried to update her
on my entire life's success
1435
01:11:10,224 --> 01:11:11,684
I tried to see if she could
see me for a sliding scale
1436
01:11:11,725 --> 01:11:14,436
Or for a similar low fee
1437
01:11:16,355 --> 01:11:19,942
But Marjorie
1438
01:11:19,984 --> 01:11:21,986
Stopped her practice
1439
01:11:22,027 --> 01:11:24,488
Because of
1440
01:11:24,530 --> 01:11:29,576
A medical emergency
1441
01:11:29,952 --> 01:11:34,248
And I know nothing
1442
01:11:34,290 --> 01:11:38,460
About Marjorie
1443
01:11:38,502 --> 01:11:42,172
And she was never
1444
01:11:42,214 --> 01:11:46,010
My glory hole
1445
01:11:46,051 --> 01:11:50,097
But her glory and my story
1446
01:11:50,139 --> 01:11:52,308
Intertwine
1447
01:11:52,349 --> 01:11:57,187
Into this rhyme
1448
01:11:58,397 --> 01:12:02,860
Marjorie
1449
01:12:02,901 --> 01:12:05,612
Marjorie
1450
01:12:08,407 --> 01:12:11,327
[cheers and applause]
1451
01:12:13,746 --> 01:12:16,373
I'm Larry Owens.
1452
01:12:16,415 --> 01:12:18,542
Have a great night!
1453
01:12:18,584 --> 01:12:21,503
[cheers and applause]
1454
01:12:24,590 --> 01:12:28,886
Larry fucking Owens.
1455
01:12:28,927 --> 01:12:32,723
What a darling.
1456
01:12:32,765 --> 01:12:35,059
I wanted to tell you about
a night a couple of years ago.
1457
01:12:35,100 --> 01:12:36,393
And I was at home.
I thought, "You know what?
1458
01:12:36,435 --> 01:12:38,395
I'll go to Club Cumming
for a nightcap.
1459
01:12:38,437 --> 01:12:39,730
It's my bar. I'm Alan Cumming.
1460
01:12:39,772 --> 01:12:41,357
I can do what the fuck I like."
1461
01:12:41,398 --> 01:12:43,817
So I went for a nightcap.
And I was walking over.
1462
01:12:43,859 --> 01:12:45,652
And my friend Emma Stone...
1463
01:12:45,694 --> 01:12:47,196
You know who told me
never to name drop?
1464
01:12:47,237 --> 01:12:48,405
Robert De Niro.
1465
01:12:50,574 --> 01:12:52,910
...said to me,
1466
01:12:52,951 --> 01:12:54,578
"Alan, are you going
to Club Cumming tonight?"
1467
01:12:54,620 --> 01:12:56,538
I was like, "Emma Stone, I'm
walking over there right now."
1468
01:12:56,580 --> 01:12:58,040
And she went,
"Gosh, well, guess what.
1469
01:12:58,082 --> 01:12:59,917
I am with Billie Jean King."
1470
01:12:59,958 --> 01:13:01,460
More name dropping.
1471
01:13:01,502 --> 01:13:03,128
And so I walk over
to Club Cumming and I say,
1472
01:13:03,170 --> 01:13:04,338
"Hey, everybody, Emma Stone
1473
01:13:04,380 --> 01:13:05,506
and Billie Jean King
are coming.
1474
01:13:05,547 --> 01:13:06,965
Be cool."
1475
01:13:07,007 --> 01:13:08,759
And we're chatting
and blah, blah, blah.
1476
01:13:08,801 --> 01:13:10,177
And then about
20 minutes later,
1477
01:13:10,219 --> 01:13:12,054
Emma calls me and goes,
"Holy fucking shit,
1478
01:13:12,096 --> 01:13:14,306
Paul McCartney
wants to come too!"
1479
01:13:14,348 --> 01:13:15,933
And it's like a joke.
Paul McCartney,
1480
01:13:15,974 --> 01:13:20,312
Billie Jean King,
and Emma Stone walk into a bar.
1481
01:13:21,188 --> 01:13:23,107
And everyone is trying
to remain cool
1482
01:13:23,148 --> 01:13:25,734
with varying degrees
of success.
1483
01:13:25,776 --> 01:13:27,277
And so I'm chatting to Paul,
1484
01:13:27,319 --> 01:13:29,196
who is absolutely as charming
as you might imagine.
1485
01:13:29,238 --> 01:13:30,614
And we're having drinks
and everything.
1486
01:13:30,656 --> 01:13:32,116
And I sort of said,
"You know, Paul,
1487
01:13:32,157 --> 01:13:34,785
do you--you know,
would you fancy getting up
1488
01:13:34,827 --> 01:13:36,370
and singing a song?"
1489
01:13:36,412 --> 01:13:40,124
And he went, "No!
I've just spent three hours
1490
01:13:40,165 --> 01:13:42,626
singing at
the Barclays Centre."
1491
01:13:42,668 --> 01:13:47,297
And I was like, "Well, that's
a yes or no question, Paul."
1492
01:13:47,339 --> 01:13:51,135
But then he must have felt bad
because he went,
1493
01:13:51,176 --> 01:13:53,720
"But I'll accompany you,
if you like, Alan."
1494
01:13:55,848 --> 01:14:00,144
So Emma Stone and I go up on
the tiny stage at Club Cumming
1495
01:14:00,185 --> 01:14:04,523
and sang "Part of Your World"
from The Little Mermaid.
1496
01:14:04,565 --> 01:14:07,901
And Paul McCartney accompanied
us on the harmonica.
1497
01:14:07,943 --> 01:14:11,905
Dreams do come true, everybody.
1498
01:14:11,947 --> 01:14:13,407
And dreams have
come true tonight.
1499
01:14:13,449 --> 01:14:14,867
My dreams have
come true tonight.
1500
01:14:14,908 --> 01:14:16,994
Thank you all for watching.
1501
01:14:17,035 --> 01:14:18,537
The motto at Club Cumming
1502
01:14:18,579 --> 01:14:20,164
is all ages, all genders,
all colors,
1503
01:14:20,205 --> 01:14:22,332
all sexualities,
kindness is all,
1504
01:14:22,374 --> 01:14:25,043
and anything could happen.
1505
01:14:25,085 --> 01:14:27,504
And it frequently does,
let me tell you.
1506
01:14:27,546 --> 01:14:30,799
And, people, the next time
you come to New York,
1507
01:14:30,841 --> 01:14:32,509
come to Club Cumming
for a cocktail.
1508
01:14:32,551 --> 01:14:34,553
See you then. Thank you.
1509
01:14:34,595 --> 01:14:37,514
[cheers and applause]
1510
01:14:55,157 --> 01:14:56,533
You fucking nailed it.
134579
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