Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,735 --> 00:00:05,124
# Once in every lifetime
2
00:00:05,295 --> 00:00:07,855
# Comes a love like this
3
00:00:08,015 --> 00:00:10,370
# Oh, I need you, you need me
4
00:00:10,535 --> 00:00:12,810
# Oh, my darling, can't you see?
5
00:00:12,975 --> 00:00:14,966
# Young ones
6
00:00:15,135 --> 00:00:18,047
# Darling, we're the young ones
7
00:00:18,215 --> 00:00:20,365
# The young ones
8
00:00:20,535 --> 00:00:23,447
(RICK) # Shouldn't be afraid
9
00:00:23,615 --> 00:00:26,766
# To live, love
10
00:00:26,935 --> 00:00:28,766
# There's a song to be sung
11
00:00:28,935 --> 00:00:32,769
# 'Cause we may notbe the young ones very long #
12
00:00:36,775 --> 00:00:41,326
(IN HARMONY) Aaaaah.
13
00:00:41,495 --> 00:00:44,055
(MUSIC: ''TWIST AND SHOUT'')
14
00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:50,688
Feel better, you bastard!
15
00:00:57,975 --> 00:01:00,045
(RASPING BLOW)
16
00:01:01,175 --> 00:01:05,009
Will you stop making
that revolting noise, Vyvyan?
17
00:01:05,175 --> 00:01:08,611
You know I'm ill.
You're only making me feel worse!
18
00:01:08,775 --> 00:01:13,326
You're ill?!
I'm the one who's ill. Listen...
19
00:01:13,495 --> 00:01:15,247
(COUGHS)
20
00:01:16,935 --> 00:01:21,690
Nobody feels worse than me,
and your shouting's not helping, Rick!
21
00:01:21,855 --> 00:01:25,006
Oh, stop whining, Neil!
22
00:01:25,175 --> 00:01:28,451
God, you're practically brain-dead
as it is.
23
00:01:28,615 --> 00:01:31,732
A pathetic little cold
won't make much difference!
24
00:01:31,895 --> 00:01:35,444
You're probably not ill anyway,
just lying to impress us!
25
00:01:35,615 --> 00:01:39,767
Oh, yeah? How come
I'm all hot and sweaty, then?
26
00:01:39,935 --> 00:01:43,723
Well, I think we'd
rather not go into that!
27
00:01:43,895 --> 00:01:48,366
Will you two shut up?
I'm trying to be ill!
28
00:01:48,535 --> 00:01:53,131
Oh, God! There's nothing left
to wipe my nose on.
29
00:01:53,295 --> 00:01:58,005
- Even SPG's all covered in snot.
- Oh, too true.
30
00:02:00,935 --> 00:02:02,812
(RASPING BLOW)
31
00:02:02,975 --> 00:02:06,251
(NEIL) Vyvyan, shut up!
You're giving me tunnel vision!
32
00:02:06,415 --> 00:02:09,771
(RICK) Stop shouting, Neil!
33
00:02:09,935 --> 00:02:13,974
- Stop shouting yourself!
- I am not shouting!
34
00:02:14,135 --> 00:02:17,810
- Yes, you are!
- I bloody well am not!
35
00:02:17,975 --> 00:02:21,012
If you want to hear shouting,
this is it!
36
00:02:21,175 --> 00:02:23,530
(SCREECHES HYSTERICALLY)
37
00:02:23,695 --> 00:02:28,246
It's funny, but being ill
makes me lose my usual tolerant
38
00:02:28,415 --> 00:02:31,452
and easy-going approach
to communal living.
39
00:02:38,375 --> 00:02:42,573
Oh, well, how ruddy considerate,
Vyvyan. Thank you very much!
40
00:02:42,735 --> 00:02:46,171
Yeah, thanks, Vyv. That bomb's
really cleared my sinuses.
41
00:02:47,295 --> 00:02:50,367
- Why aren't you dead?
- I'm not discussing it.
42
00:02:50,535 --> 00:02:54,574
You'll be hearing from my solicitors.
I'm writing to my M.P.
43
00:02:54,735 --> 00:02:56,885
But you're an anarchist.
44
00:02:57,055 --> 00:03:01,924
Ah. Well, then I shall write
to Echo and the Bunnymen!
45
00:03:02,095 --> 00:03:03,528
(KNOCK)
46
00:03:03,695 --> 00:03:06,334
- What's this?
- A fish, Mike.
47
00:03:06,495 --> 00:03:07,894
Oh, thanks.
48
00:03:09,815 --> 00:03:14,206
- ''Dear Mr Echo...''
- Why did I do that?
49
00:03:14,375 --> 00:03:17,572
Oh, beginning to regret it, are you?
50
00:03:17,735 --> 00:03:22,411
Of course I am. That was nearly
a full bottle of vodka!
51
00:03:22,575 --> 00:03:25,328
That's £7.99 you owe me,
ploppy pants.
52
00:03:26,135 --> 00:03:31,209
Oh, stop being
so blinking bourjoisie!
53
00:03:31,375 --> 00:03:34,253
All property is theft, Vyvyan.
54
00:03:34,415 --> 00:03:36,849
All right, then.
Where's your girlie purse?
55
00:03:37,015 --> 00:03:38,494
(KNOCK)
56
00:03:38,655 --> 00:03:43,206
I didn't finish my sentence.
What's this fish doing in my bed?
57
00:03:43,375 --> 00:03:45,809
It's not in your bed, Mike.
58
00:03:45,975 --> 00:03:48,648
Oh, yeah. Right. Thanks, Vyv.
59
00:03:49,815 --> 00:03:53,694
- Ha-ha! Found it!
- Put that back! That's my property!
60
00:03:53,855 --> 00:03:57,325
- You said all property is theft.
- Well, yes...
61
00:03:57,495 --> 00:04:01,044
- So, I'm nicking it.
- Stop! Thief! Thief!
62
00:04:01,215 --> 00:04:04,810
Thieves rush in
where angels fear to tread.
63
00:04:04,975 --> 00:04:07,569
No, it's fools, Neil. Fools.
64
00:04:07,735 --> 00:04:10,044
Thieves rush in
where fools fear to tread.
65
00:04:10,215 --> 00:04:12,888
Yes! Andy Williams said that!
66
00:04:13,055 --> 00:04:16,650
- Alexander Pope!
- You're a little snob, aren't you?
67
00:04:16,815 --> 00:04:19,852
Wimp! Pervert! Knob-end!
68
00:04:20,015 --> 00:04:25,806
Oh, Vyvyan, what repartee!
Sticks and stones may break my bones!
69
00:04:25,975 --> 00:04:30,048
Well, that's the first sensible thing
you've said all day.
70
00:04:33,415 --> 00:04:34,973
(KNOCK)
71
00:04:35,135 --> 00:04:39,333
OK, I've got it.
What's this fish doing in my bed?
72
00:04:39,495 --> 00:04:41,133
(ALL) What fish?
73
00:04:42,055 --> 00:04:45,047
- Oh... Sorry.
- That's OK, Mike.
74
00:04:46,975 --> 00:04:48,374
(KNOCK)
75
00:04:48,535 --> 00:04:50,526
- Just one more thing...
- A-choo!
76
00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:57,089
- Has any one got a tissue?
- A-choo!
77
00:04:58,095 --> 00:05:01,292
- Stop it, Neil!
- I can't stop. A-choo!
78
00:05:02,735 --> 00:05:04,054
A-choo!
79
00:05:07,295 --> 00:05:10,924
- A-choo!
- Quick, Vyvyan! The pillowcase!
80
00:05:11,975 --> 00:05:15,047
A-choo! A-choo!
81
00:05:15,215 --> 00:05:18,332
OK! Russell Harty!
82
00:05:24,735 --> 00:05:27,693
A-choo!
83
00:05:27,855 --> 00:05:30,767
Quick, stick his head out the window.
84
00:05:44,615 --> 00:05:47,129
(SCREAMS)
85
00:05:56,535 --> 00:06:01,655
- Ooh! Excuse me, did you throw that?
- Yeah! Good shot, wasn't it?
86
00:06:06,015 --> 00:06:08,245
(TYRES SCREECH)
87
00:06:13,135 --> 00:06:15,968
That's a bit extreme.
Won't he suffocate?
88
00:06:16,135 --> 00:06:18,330
Very probably, Michael,
89
00:06:18,495 --> 00:06:21,965
but we've got to keep the bogeys
off the wall.
90
00:06:22,135 --> 00:06:24,126
A-choo!
91
00:06:25,215 --> 00:06:31,211
Euurgh! Oh, wow!
It's really horrible in here.
92
00:06:31,375 --> 00:06:35,334
Why did you have to use Rick's
laundry bag?
93
00:06:35,495 --> 00:06:38,407
Oh, well, there's gratitude for you!
94
00:06:38,575 --> 00:06:42,454
It's me who'll have snotty undies
for the next two terms.
95
00:06:42,615 --> 00:06:45,812
It's me they're going
to be calling ''Bogey Bum''
96
00:06:45,975 --> 00:06:50,253
at the next Friends of Stalin Society
''Show Your Bottom'' competition.
97
00:06:50,415 --> 00:06:51,734
A-choo!
98
00:06:51,895 --> 00:06:55,774
I couldn't find any needles.
We'll have to use six-inch nails.
99
00:06:56,575 --> 00:06:59,885
Vyvyan, you can't do acupuncture
with six-inch nails.
100
00:07:00,055 --> 00:07:04,048
You better think of something.
This bag's getting really full. A-choo!
101
00:07:04,215 --> 00:07:07,764
- I'm going to the chemist.
- To get some medicine?
102
00:07:07,935 --> 00:07:11,166
- No, I fancy the girl there.
- In that case,
103
00:07:11,335 --> 00:07:15,169
could you get something
to clean the toilet with?
104
00:07:15,335 --> 00:07:19,214
- (RICK AND VYVYAN) What?!
- I don't think so.
105
00:07:19,375 --> 00:07:23,368
You can't clean the toilet, Neil.
It'll lose all its character.
106
00:07:24,335 --> 00:07:29,170
We never clean the toilet, Neil.
That's what being a student is about!
107
00:07:29,335 --> 00:07:31,690
No way, Harpic! No way, Dot!
108
00:07:32,855 --> 00:07:35,813
All that Blue Loo scene
is for squares.
109
00:07:35,975 --> 00:07:39,285
One thing's certain. When Cliff Richard
wrote ''Wired for Sound'',
110
00:07:39,455 --> 00:07:43,289
no way was he sitting
on a clean lavatory.
111
00:07:43,455 --> 00:07:48,131
He was living on the limit, like me.
Where bleach is for your hair!
112
00:07:48,295 --> 00:07:51,651
Living on Limits? Are you on a diet?
113
00:07:52,975 --> 00:07:55,887
No, I live on the limit, Vyvyan.
114
00:07:56,055 --> 00:07:59,252
I'm a rider at the gates of dawn
and I take no prisoners.
115
00:08:02,695 --> 00:08:04,765
I don't know
what Neil's on about. Hey!
116
00:08:05,775 --> 00:08:09,290
That's cannibalism.
I'd better get some Domestos.
117
00:08:09,455 --> 00:08:12,015
What's Domestos? (BELCHES)
118
00:08:25,495 --> 00:08:27,531
It's this communal street life
119
00:08:27,695 --> 00:08:30,334
that the high-rise block
is destroying.
120
00:08:36,335 --> 00:08:39,407
# Father wears his Sunday best
121
00:08:39,575 --> 00:08:43,966
# Mother's tired, she needs a restThe kids are playing up downstairs
122
00:08:44,135 --> 00:08:47,491
# Sister's sighing in her sleep
123
00:08:47,655 --> 00:08:51,409
# Brother's got a date to keep,he can't hang around
124
00:08:51,575 --> 00:08:53,805
# Our house
125
00:08:53,975 --> 00:08:55,772
# In the middle of our street
126
00:08:55,935 --> 00:08:57,812
# Our house
127
00:08:57,975 --> 00:08:59,772
# In the middle of our...
128
00:08:59,935 --> 00:09:01,448
# Our house...
129
00:09:01,615 --> 00:09:05,688
Right, Neil. I am now going
to insert the first nail.
130
00:09:05,855 --> 00:09:09,131
- You may feel a bit of a prick.
- So, what's new?
131
00:09:11,255 --> 00:09:12,893
OK, here it goes.
132
00:09:13,855 --> 00:09:15,527
# Then she sends the kids to school
133
00:09:15,695 --> 00:09:18,892
# Sees them off with a small kiss
134
00:09:19,055 --> 00:09:22,286
# She's the one they're going to missin lots of ways...
135
00:09:23,215 --> 00:09:25,934
£180 worth of Durex, please.
136
00:09:26,095 --> 00:09:28,450
Oh, sorry. Force of habit.
137
00:09:33,415 --> 00:09:38,569
Oh, wow! I hope Mike hurries back
with the cure.
138
00:09:38,735 --> 00:09:41,886
No, Neil, no.
It's Madness this week.
139
00:09:46,935 --> 00:09:48,812
# Our house
140
00:09:48,975 --> 00:09:50,806
# In the middle of our street
141
00:09:50,975 --> 00:09:52,772
# Our house
142
00:09:52,935 --> 00:09:54,812
# In the middle of our...
143
00:09:54,975 --> 00:09:56,294
# I remember way back thenwhen everything was true
144
00:09:56,455 --> 00:09:58,127
# And when we would havesuch a very good time
145
00:09:58,295 --> 00:10:01,253
# Such a fine time, such a happy time
146
00:10:02,295 --> 00:10:04,047
# And I remember how we'd play,simply waste the day away
147
00:10:04,215 --> 00:10:09,084
Then we'd say nothingwould come between us, two dreamers
148
00:10:10,455 --> 00:10:13,652
Father wears his Sunday best
149
00:10:13,815 --> 00:10:18,093
# Mother's tired, she needs a restThe kids are playing up downstairs
150
00:10:18,255 --> 00:10:20,769
# Sister's sighing in her sleep
151
00:10:21,815 --> 00:10:25,569
# Brother's got a date to keep,he can't hang around...
152
00:10:27,135 --> 00:10:29,968
- Out!
- So, I'll pick you up at 8, OK?
153
00:10:30,135 --> 00:10:31,887
# Our house
154
00:10:32,055 --> 00:10:33,488
# In the middle of our street
155
00:10:33,655 --> 00:10:35,850
# Our house
156
00:10:36,015 --> 00:10:37,926
# In the middle of our... #
157
00:10:52,135 --> 00:10:53,614
(SIRENS)
158
00:11:10,695 --> 00:11:13,607
Get out! Clear off!
159
00:11:13,775 --> 00:11:15,970
Bloody pop concert in the road.
160
00:11:16,135 --> 00:11:17,853
Go on. Run 'em down!
161
00:11:18,015 --> 00:11:21,485
- I can't do that!
- You're a policeman, aren't you?!
162
00:11:21,655 --> 00:11:25,409
They were a great band,
Middle Of The Road.
163
00:11:25,575 --> 00:11:27,133
Shut your mouth, Damage!
164
00:11:27,295 --> 00:11:30,332
'Ere, Mr Damage to you, copper.
165
00:11:30,495 --> 00:11:33,407
And nobody tells Mr Damage
to shut his mouth.
166
00:11:33,575 --> 00:11:39,286
Not if they wanna keep the head
in the vicinity of the shoulders. Right?
167
00:11:39,455 --> 00:11:41,889
I said shut your mouth, Damage!
168
00:11:42,055 --> 00:11:43,408
(YELLS)
169
00:11:45,655 --> 00:11:47,293
A-choo!
170
00:11:47,455 --> 00:11:49,764
We'd better do something
before the bag explodes.
171
00:11:49,935 --> 00:11:52,449
Hey, brainy idea.
172
00:11:52,615 --> 00:11:57,769
Maybe sneezing is like hiccups,
and you have to give him a shock.
173
00:11:57,935 --> 00:12:02,133
He'll get a shock when he feels this.
We've run out of nails,
174
00:12:02,295 --> 00:12:06,573
- so we'll have to use cutlery.
- No, Vyvyan. Be sensible.
175
00:12:06,735 --> 00:12:10,694
- I've got to eat off that.
- I suppose you're right.
176
00:12:12,335 --> 00:12:13,768
(SCREAMS INSANELY)
177
00:12:13,935 --> 00:12:18,008
My brain's exploded!
My brain's exploded!
178
00:12:19,015 --> 00:12:20,334
A-choo!
179
00:12:21,775 --> 00:12:24,050
It didn't work.
180
00:12:24,215 --> 00:12:27,969
I'm not surprised, Vyvyan.
It was pathetic.
181
00:12:28,135 --> 00:12:30,649
- You've got to be more subtle.
- OK.
182
00:12:30,815 --> 00:12:35,286
Neil, if you don't stop sneezing
by the time I count three,
183
00:12:35,455 --> 00:12:40,848
I'm going to cut your bottoms off
and ram them up your nose. One...
184
00:12:41,015 --> 00:12:42,334
- Two...
- A-choo!
185
00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:46,647
- Right. That's it.
- Oh, I wish this wasn't happening!
186
00:12:46,815 --> 00:12:50,410
Mario, my usual table for two. 8.30.
187
00:12:51,495 --> 00:12:55,010
- 2.999 recurring...
- Right. Do it!
188
00:13:00,135 --> 00:13:04,686
All right!
Nobody move and nothing will happen!
189
00:13:04,855 --> 00:13:07,449
Goodness, how exciting!
Are you an anarchist?
190
00:13:07,615 --> 00:13:11,369
No, I am not.
I am Brian Damage Balowski.
191
00:13:11,535 --> 00:13:16,165
I am, however, a violent and highly
dangerous escaped criminal madman!
192
00:13:16,335 --> 00:13:19,088
- What would you like us to do?
- Right, um...
193
00:13:19,255 --> 00:13:23,373
Everybody up against this wall now!
194
00:13:23,535 --> 00:13:29,690
You said nobody move. How can we get
to the wall if we can't move?
195
00:13:29,855 --> 00:13:33,165
- What happens if we do move?
- Eh?
196
00:13:33,335 --> 00:13:36,372
Oh, God!
What happens if anybody moves?
197
00:13:36,535 --> 00:13:39,129
- What happens?
- (ALL) Yes!
198
00:13:39,295 --> 00:13:41,251
Oh, right. Terribly sorry. All right.
199
00:13:41,415 --> 00:13:44,930
If anybody moves,
I'll show you what happens, right?
200
00:13:45,095 --> 00:13:47,928
This happens, right?
201
00:13:49,175 --> 00:13:52,292
Hi, man. Are you the doctor?
202
00:13:52,455 --> 00:13:54,889
Ah! Ow! Ow! Ow!
203
00:13:58,135 --> 00:14:01,923
Hey, I think that's done the trick!
Thanks, Doc.
204
00:14:02,095 --> 00:14:06,964
Thanks, Doc?! Are you being
sar-carstic or something, my son?
205
00:14:07,135 --> 00:14:10,571
That's one of my least favourite
things, sar-carsm.
206
00:14:10,735 --> 00:14:15,092
(SARCASTICALLY) Really?
How incredibly interesting.
207
00:14:15,255 --> 00:14:20,887
I was walking the dog, and this bloke
comes up and says, ''Nice day, innit?''
208
00:14:21,055 --> 00:14:25,606
But it wasn't a nice day.
It was a little bit cloudy,
209
00:14:25,775 --> 00:14:28,335
which makes him very sar-carstic.
210
00:14:28,495 --> 00:14:32,408
So, acting like nothing happened,
I stuck his head in my mouth,
211
00:14:32,575 --> 00:14:36,853
dead casual, like, closed my teeth,
and bit his head off!
212
00:14:37,015 --> 00:14:39,529
'Cause I hate people being sar-carstic.
213
00:14:39,695 --> 00:14:43,608
I wasn't, you know, being sar-carstic.
214
00:14:43,775 --> 00:14:47,563
Weren't ya? Well, forget everything
I said, then, all right?
215
00:14:47,735 --> 00:14:50,203
What? Everything
from when you came in?
216
00:14:50,375 --> 00:14:53,651
Now, if you're not against that wall
after three,
217
00:14:53,815 --> 00:14:58,491
I'm gonna blow your heads off,
all right? A-one... A-two...
218
00:14:58,655 --> 00:15:00,407
- Yoo-hoo!
- Oh, God!
219
00:15:00,575 --> 00:15:04,614
Sorry I didn't knock. Someone's
impaled a head on the door.
220
00:15:04,775 --> 00:15:07,335
- Hello, Vyvyan.
- Piss off.
221
00:15:08,535 --> 00:15:10,810
That's no way to talk to your mother!
222
00:15:10,975 --> 00:15:13,773
All right, then. Piss off, Mum.
223
00:15:16,335 --> 00:15:19,407
- That's better.
- What do you want?
224
00:15:19,575 --> 00:15:23,807
- Well, what're mums for?
- I don't know. Having babies?
225
00:15:23,975 --> 00:15:26,694
Don't be so sexist, Vyvyan.
226
00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:33,646
- Sorry, Mum.
- I brought you a present.
227
00:15:33,815 --> 00:15:36,090
Your last present was some matches.
228
00:15:36,255 --> 00:15:40,407
- That was a joke!
- I was eight weeks old.
229
00:15:40,575 --> 00:15:44,648
Here, excuse me. I'm not actually
known for my patience.
230
00:15:44,815 --> 00:15:49,286
Oh! Well, you're probably not
Dr Kildare, then!
231
00:15:52,135 --> 00:15:54,126
Well, what've you brought this time?
232
00:15:54,295 --> 00:15:58,447
- A bottle of vodka.
- Oh, brilliant! Thanks, Mum.
233
00:16:00,055 --> 00:16:03,013
- This is empty.
- Up yours, ugly!
234
00:16:05,455 --> 00:16:08,333
- Cor, what a nasty woman!
- (GUNSHOT)
235
00:16:08,495 --> 00:16:14,525
All right, this has now gone on far
too seriously long enough by half.
236
00:16:14,695 --> 00:16:17,732
I am now going
to phone the authorities,
237
00:16:17,895 --> 00:16:21,331
and if they do not give me,
within 20 minutes,
238
00:16:21,495 --> 00:16:25,249
a helicopter, £100,000,
239
00:16:25,415 --> 00:16:30,728
a complete set of steak knives
in a presentation box,
240
00:16:30,895 --> 00:16:36,174
tickets to see the Brazilian National
Mime Theatre at Riverside Studios,
241
00:16:36,335 --> 00:16:38,929
a little cairn terrier called Bobby,
242
00:16:39,095 --> 00:16:43,725
those little black rubber things
that go, ''Nee! Nee! Nee!'' -
243
00:16:43,895 --> 00:16:46,045
a big box full of them,
244
00:16:46,215 --> 00:16:49,252
the complete memoirs
of Donald Sinden...
245
00:16:49,415 --> 00:16:54,250
- Oh, very handy!
- Otherwise, I blow your heads off.
246
00:16:54,415 --> 00:16:57,452
- Everybody up against that wall.
- (RICK) All right.
247
00:16:59,175 --> 00:17:04,329
Oh, damn! Lumme! Lumme!
All right, who's responsible?!
248
00:17:05,175 --> 00:17:07,894
- I think I'm quite responsible.
- Mike, yeah.
249
00:17:08,055 --> 00:17:11,525
Listen!
Somebody has got to clean this up,
250
00:17:11,695 --> 00:17:15,290
and I tell you one thing,
matey boy, it's not me.
251
00:17:15,455 --> 00:17:19,926
What does it matter? We'll all
be dead in 20 minutes, anyway.
252
00:17:20,095 --> 00:17:23,326
- Yeah.
- Oh, no!
253
00:17:23,495 --> 00:17:26,009
Oh, wow!
254
00:17:26,175 --> 00:17:28,211
Oh, heavy, heavy, heavy!
255
00:17:29,055 --> 00:17:30,488
(WAILS)
256
00:17:30,655 --> 00:17:33,328
Why are you upset?
You've always wanted to die.
257
00:17:33,495 --> 00:17:35,929
Who's talking about dying?
I just remembered -
258
00:17:36,095 --> 00:17:40,373
- my parents are coming round to tea!
- (ALL SCREAM)
259
00:17:40,535 --> 00:17:43,572
Don't panic!
Worse things happen at sea.
260
00:17:43,735 --> 00:17:45,930
Like what, Mike? Like what?!
261
00:17:46,095 --> 00:17:49,724
Well, you could be on a cruise,
having a lovely time.
262
00:17:49,895 --> 00:17:52,250
There's terrible weather.
The ship sinks.
263
00:17:52,415 --> 00:17:55,851
You fall overboard. You're drowning.
This shark swims up to you
264
00:17:56,015 --> 00:18:00,247
and says, ''Neil's parents
are coming in 30 seconds.''
265
00:18:00,415 --> 00:18:02,610
That's when you panic. Come on!
266
00:18:20,575 --> 00:18:22,452
(THUNDER)
267
00:18:22,615 --> 00:18:27,609
All hail McVyvyan, Thane of Corridor!
268
00:18:27,775 --> 00:18:30,414
- Eh?
- All hail McVyvyan,
269
00:18:30,575 --> 00:18:32,645
Thane of the Outside Toilet
270
00:18:32,815 --> 00:18:36,046
and that little gravelly patch
next to the shed.
271
00:18:36,215 --> 00:18:43,724
All hail McVyvyan, that shall be king
of the whole house hereafter!
272
00:18:45,135 --> 00:18:50,653
Are you suggesting that I murder
Mike, Rick, and Neil,
273
00:18:50,815 --> 00:18:54,171
in order to
have the whole house to myself?
274
00:18:54,335 --> 00:18:56,087
Yeah!
275
00:18:56,255 --> 00:18:58,723
It's a thought, I suppose.
276
00:18:58,895 --> 00:19:01,250
Make a great play!
277
00:19:04,975 --> 00:19:07,773
27... 28... 29...
278
00:19:07,935 --> 00:19:10,130
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
279
00:19:10,295 --> 00:19:11,967
Look out! (WHISTLES)
280
00:19:20,175 --> 00:19:22,131
Hello, Mummy. Hello, Daddy.
281
00:19:23,135 --> 00:19:24,932
- Hello.
- Hello.
282
00:19:26,095 --> 00:19:30,691
- Take my coat.
- Come in. This is where I live.
283
00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:40,251
These are my friends.
284
00:19:41,735 --> 00:19:45,250
This is Rick.
He's studying sociology.
285
00:19:45,415 --> 00:19:50,648
Oh, hello! Pleased to meet you.
Sorry. So many essays to write.
286
00:19:51,655 --> 00:19:54,533
I'm surprised
my arms aren't falling off!
287
00:19:54,695 --> 00:19:57,334
Perhaps they are! Look out! Bonk!
288
00:20:00,055 --> 00:20:03,092
You have to watch me
because I'm a bit nutty.
289
00:20:03,255 --> 00:20:06,406
Aren't I, everybody? A bit nutty?
290
00:20:07,615 --> 00:20:09,128
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
291
00:20:09,655 --> 00:20:14,206
- Hello.
- This is Mike. He's studying, er...
292
00:20:14,375 --> 00:20:17,447
I'm in the school of life, Mrs Pye.
293
00:20:17,615 --> 00:20:19,492
(YELPS)
294
00:20:19,655 --> 00:20:23,853
Oh, dear me. What a ghastly smell.
295
00:20:24,015 --> 00:20:27,724
Yeah, that's Vyvyan, Mummy.
He's going to be a doctor.
296
00:20:29,375 --> 00:20:33,607
- How do you do?
- How fascinating.
297
00:20:33,775 --> 00:20:35,891
I think I'm going to be sick.
298
00:20:36,055 --> 00:20:38,808
And is this another
of your colleagues?
299
00:20:38,975 --> 00:20:41,648
No, that's a violent
and highly dangerous...
300
00:20:41,815 --> 00:20:45,012
(LAUGHS)
That's Neil's little joke, sir.
301
00:20:45,175 --> 00:20:46,847
Brian. Brian Damage.
302
00:20:47,015 --> 00:20:51,531
Currently working on my PhD
in astrophysics, actually.
303
00:20:51,695 --> 00:20:58,043
Recently I did a degree in art history,
but it was no use for a job.
304
00:20:58,215 --> 00:21:03,767
- What kind of job had you in mind?
- Something like a bank job.
305
00:21:03,935 --> 00:21:06,927
- Nice safe job?
- Yeah, possibly. Possibly.
306
00:21:07,095 --> 00:21:11,805
- Did you make your bed?
- No, no. I bought it.
307
00:21:12,895 --> 00:21:14,408
Exactly.
308
00:21:14,575 --> 00:21:18,124
Your mother and I are very
disappointed, Neil.
309
00:21:18,295 --> 00:21:21,253
You have brought shame
on your family, Neil.
310
00:21:21,415 --> 00:21:25,328
I daren't show my face
at Lady Fanshaw's bridge evenings,
311
00:21:25,495 --> 00:21:28,009
now you've taken up
with those television people.
312
00:21:28,175 --> 00:21:32,407
What sort of monsters are you?
I mean, ''The Young Ones''.
313
00:21:32,575 --> 00:21:35,294
Well, it all sounds very good,
doesn't it?
314
00:21:35,455 --> 00:21:38,447
But look around you. It's trash!
315
00:21:39,775 --> 00:21:44,485
I mean, even ''Triangle'' has better
furniture than you do!
316
00:21:44,655 --> 00:21:50,651
That was designed to fall apart.
Rick was going to get hit with it.
317
00:21:50,815 --> 00:21:54,854
I thought you'd be glad that
I was doing something worthwhile.
318
00:21:55,015 --> 00:21:57,290
Worthwhile?!
I mean, it's a bloody outrage!
319
00:21:57,455 --> 00:22:00,970
It's a waste of a licensing fee -
pardon my French.
320
00:22:01,135 --> 00:22:07,051
Why can't you be in one of those
decent comedies that your mother likes?
321
00:22:07,215 --> 00:22:09,570
What's the thing called?
322
00:22:09,735 --> 00:22:10,804
- Grange Hill!
- That's it!
323
00:22:13,615 --> 00:22:17,164
So, that's settled. We'll organize
a protest against school uniforms!
324
00:22:17,335 --> 00:22:21,010
Great! We can use the banners
from the last protest,
325
00:22:21,175 --> 00:22:23,564
so that racism wouldn't be an issue.
326
00:22:23,735 --> 00:22:28,251
Good! I'll get Mucker, Trucker,
Ducker and Sucker. You get Spaz!
327
00:22:28,415 --> 00:22:30,610
- But I am Spaz!
- Oh.
328
00:22:30,775 --> 00:22:34,370
I'll get Spaz, then,
but we've got to hurry.
329
00:22:35,135 --> 00:22:37,490
Sorry, Mr Liberal.
We're in a hurry.
330
00:22:37,655 --> 00:22:41,443
Hang on, you pair
of young scruffy tearaways.
331
00:22:41,615 --> 00:22:45,449
Don't you realize you're
influencing millions of children
332
00:22:45,615 --> 00:22:47,731
to talk Cockney
and be insubordinate?
333
00:22:47,895 --> 00:22:51,331
Come on. We're the only kids
who never say f...
334
00:22:51,495 --> 00:22:55,534
You must be talking nonsense.
I don't watch that ghastly programme.
335
00:22:55,695 --> 00:22:59,654
I'm sorry. My mistake.
I meant ''The Good Life''.
336
00:22:59,815 --> 00:23:01,533
Oh, yes. That's the one.
337
00:23:01,695 --> 00:23:03,651
(THEME MUSIC)
338
00:23:08,535 --> 00:23:11,288
No! No! No! No!
339
00:23:11,455 --> 00:23:14,174
We're not watching
the bloody ''Good Life''!
340
00:23:14,335 --> 00:23:16,974
Bloody! Bloody! Bloody!
341
00:23:17,135 --> 00:23:20,445
I hate it! It's so bloody nice!
342
00:23:20,615 --> 00:23:22,571
Felicity ''Treacle'' Kendal
343
00:23:22,735 --> 00:23:26,614
and Richard ''Sugar-Flavored-Snot''
Briers!
344
00:23:26,775 --> 00:23:30,927
What do they do now? Chocolate
bloody Button ads, that's what!
345
00:23:31,095 --> 00:23:33,928
They're just a couple
of reactionary stereotypes,
346
00:23:34,095 --> 00:23:37,849
confirming the myth that everyone
in Britain is a lovable,
347
00:23:38,015 --> 00:23:42,133
middle-class eccentric,
and I hate them!
348
00:23:43,135 --> 00:23:48,493
That was an articulate outburst.
I only hope they're not watching.
349
00:23:48,655 --> 00:23:52,648
Well, you can shut up, Vyvyan.
You can blummin' well shut up!
350
00:23:52,815 --> 00:23:56,854
Because if you've got anything
horrid to say about Felicity Kendal,
351
00:23:57,015 --> 00:24:00,724
you can blummin' well say it
to me first!
352
00:24:00,895 --> 00:24:03,204
Rick, Rick... I just did.
353
00:24:03,615 --> 00:24:06,846
Oh! Oh, you did, did you?
354
00:24:07,015 --> 00:24:11,770
Well, I've got a good mind to give you
a ruddy punch on the bottom!
355
00:24:11,935 --> 00:24:16,167
- That's the woman I love!
- Yeah, and me! I love her, too.
356
00:24:16,335 --> 00:24:20,692
Yes, well, I agree
with the spotty twerps on that one.
357
00:24:20,855 --> 00:24:26,009
Felicity Kendal is sweetly pretty.
Just what a real girlie should be.
358
00:24:26,175 --> 00:24:32,125
Speaking as a feminist myself,
I can safely say this -
359
00:24:32,295 --> 00:24:36,846
Felicity Kendal is a wonderful woman,
and I want to protect her.
360
00:24:37,015 --> 00:24:40,325
It's the first time
I've heard it called that!
361
00:24:40,495 --> 00:24:45,205
Neil! Say something!
362
00:24:46,335 --> 00:24:48,690
(MUMBLES)
That's my dad you're talking to.
363
00:24:48,855 --> 00:24:52,609
Did you see that episode
where the pig was pregnant?
364
00:24:52,775 --> 00:24:58,327
Now, that was quite a promising idea,
but it was all done so bloody nicely!
365
00:24:58,495 --> 00:25:02,044
We didn't see anything!
Even the policeman was nice.
366
00:25:05,375 --> 00:25:08,890
Why shouldn't the police be portrayed
as nice occasionally?
367
00:25:09,055 --> 00:25:12,252
You trendy students
always give us a bad name!
368
00:25:12,415 --> 00:25:14,690
You mean like ''big jobbies''?
369
00:25:14,855 --> 00:25:17,050
Now you've really asked for it!
370
00:25:20,215 --> 00:25:25,164
Now, I would not have done that
if you had been Felicity Kendal.
371
00:25:25,335 --> 00:25:30,204
- Are you all right?
- She smashed the balsa wood chair.
372
00:25:30,375 --> 00:25:32,172
Well, this wouldn't have happened
373
00:25:32,335 --> 00:25:36,965
if you'd been doing a nice programme
like ''The Good Life''.
374
00:25:38,295 --> 00:25:40,126
That's where we'll put the cabbages.
375
00:25:40,295 --> 00:25:44,208
Okey-dokey, Mikey,
young Sonny Jim fella me lad.
376
00:25:47,535 --> 00:25:52,211
- That's where we'll put the caulis.
- Ah! Just one moment, Michael.
377
00:25:54,615 --> 00:25:56,685
(SINGS FANFARE)
378
00:25:57,535 --> 00:26:00,003
Very funny, Vyvyan.
379
00:26:00,175 --> 00:26:02,006
Well, you might've laughed, Michael.
380
00:26:02,175 --> 00:26:06,054
It took ages to raid the pet shop
and nail 'em to the plank.
381
00:26:09,295 --> 00:26:13,334
Ah! The timeless wonder
of the English countryside.
382
00:26:14,495 --> 00:26:16,406
It'd be pretty bloody super
383
00:26:16,575 --> 00:26:20,204
to have a snog
in a place like this. Eh, Neil?
384
00:26:20,375 --> 00:26:24,493
I don't feel like it, Rick.
I've got work to do.
385
00:26:24,655 --> 00:26:28,250
Not with you, you sick pervy. God!
386
00:26:28,415 --> 00:26:33,648
I meant with a super girlie who's on
for some rumpo and how's-your-father.
387
00:26:33,815 --> 00:26:37,649
Never mind that.
OK, I've ploughed this bit, right?
388
00:26:37,815 --> 00:26:40,045
And now I'm going to sow it.
389
00:26:44,335 --> 00:26:47,452
This self-sufficiency thing
really is amazing.
390
00:26:47,615 --> 00:26:49,765
We sow the seed, right.
391
00:26:49,935 --> 00:26:53,723
Nature grows the seed,
and then we eat the seed.
392
00:26:53,895 --> 00:26:58,810
And then, after that, we sow
the seed, nature grows the seed,
393
00:26:58,975 --> 00:27:00,852
and then we eat the seed.
394
00:27:01,015 --> 00:27:04,849
And then we sow the seed,
nature grows the seed....
395
00:27:05,015 --> 00:27:08,451
Oh, shut up! Shut up! Shut up.
396
00:27:08,615 --> 00:27:12,290
It's pathetic. I mean,
what about radical magazines, hmm?
397
00:27:12,455 --> 00:27:16,573
What about kicker boots?
Can we grow them? No, we can't.
398
00:27:16,735 --> 00:27:21,092
They beauty of your plan rests
on everyone being really into seeds.
399
00:27:21,255 --> 00:27:24,645
No, you don't understand
the timeless wonder of it.
400
00:27:24,815 --> 00:27:27,727
Look. We...
401
00:27:27,895 --> 00:27:30,455
- sow the seed...
- Right.
402
00:27:30,615 --> 00:27:35,211
Nature grows the seed,
then we eat the seed. Then....
403
00:27:37,375 --> 00:27:38,888
Right. Now, shut up.
404
00:27:41,375 --> 00:27:44,890
Get up, Neil,
there's a lot of work to be done.
405
00:27:45,895 --> 00:27:47,214
Neil?
406
00:27:48,295 --> 00:27:49,614
Neil?
407
00:27:51,695 --> 00:27:55,051
Oh, God!
Oh, God. I've killed a hippie!
408
00:27:56,735 --> 00:28:01,331
I've killed a hippie,
and now I'll have to pay.
409
00:28:01,495 --> 00:28:05,773
I'll get sent to prison
and raped in the shower by Mr Big.
410
00:28:05,935 --> 00:28:08,608
Oh, God! Right. Burn the corpse.
411
00:28:08,775 --> 00:28:11,084
Burn the corpse.
412
00:28:11,255 --> 00:28:13,689
Come on, burn!
413
00:28:13,855 --> 00:28:17,450
Burn!
Oh, trust Neil to be all soggy!
414
00:28:17,615 --> 00:28:20,288
Burn! Burn!
415
00:28:21,375 --> 00:28:22,808
- Hello.
- Hello.
416
00:28:22,975 --> 00:28:25,967
- Hello!
- My name's Mick. This is Tez.
417
00:28:26,135 --> 00:28:28,933
- All right, are you?
- Yes.
418
00:28:29,095 --> 00:28:32,974
We would've brought Harry,
but we don't know anyone called Harry.
419
00:28:33,135 --> 00:28:37,094
Ah. Um... Excuse me.
420
00:28:37,255 --> 00:28:43,330
Er... You're not policemen, are you?
421
00:28:43,495 --> 00:28:45,770
No, we're not policemen.
422
00:28:51,175 --> 00:28:55,168
Oh, yeah! I'm sorry.
Look, we've come about the muck.
423
00:28:55,335 --> 00:28:57,610
- Muck?
- You know, manure.
424
00:28:57,775 --> 00:29:00,209
- Yes?
- We've got a load for your garden.
425
00:29:01,095 --> 00:29:04,565
Well, listen, absolutely nobody,
I don't care who they are,
426
00:29:04,735 --> 00:29:07,647
is doing a two-ton poo out here.
427
00:29:07,815 --> 00:29:11,774
Suit yourself. I thought you'd want
to cover the hippie you murdered.
428
00:29:12,655 --> 00:29:15,806
Ah. Yes. Yes.
Yes, bury him. Bury him.
429
00:29:15,975 --> 00:29:17,294
But it's not a hippie.
430
00:29:17,455 --> 00:29:21,209
It's just a garden gnome,
that I cracked.
431
00:29:21,375 --> 00:29:24,367
What a load of crap!
It's not a gnome!
432
00:29:24,535 --> 00:29:28,164
It's a hippie.
He's killed a hippie, everybody!
433
00:29:28,335 --> 00:29:30,405
Shut up!
434
00:29:37,535 --> 00:29:41,414
So, this is the row of mixed veg.
Oh, nicely, nicely. We progress.
435
00:29:41,575 --> 00:29:43,645
The ''grow-anything''
fertilizer has arrived.
436
00:29:43,815 --> 00:29:47,330
Brilliant. We are now completely
self-sufficient in fertilizer.
437
00:29:47,495 --> 00:29:50,089
Speaking of which, where's Neil?
438
00:29:50,255 --> 00:29:54,168
Yeah, I told him
that if we don't sow the seed,
439
00:29:54,335 --> 00:29:57,725
nature can't grow the seed,
and we can't eat the seed.
440
00:29:57,895 --> 00:30:02,969
Ah... Er... He's emigrated,
441
00:30:03,135 --> 00:30:07,686
and he said to say
that you'll never see him again.
442
00:30:08,375 --> 00:30:11,014
He's left one of his shoes behind.
443
00:30:12,095 --> 00:30:15,610
- One of his feet, as well!
- Bloody idiot.
444
00:30:15,775 --> 00:30:20,212
Yes. I noticed
he was hopping when he left.
445
00:30:20,375 --> 00:30:23,412
- Hang on a minute, if you say...?
- (OWL HOOTS)
446
00:30:23,575 --> 00:30:26,169
Oh, no. Night-time.
447
00:30:26,335 --> 00:30:28,690
Good grief.
448
00:30:28,855 --> 00:30:31,050
Oh, well. Boing!
449
00:30:35,575 --> 00:30:38,726
- (BOTH) Boing!
- Time for bed, everyone.
450
00:30:51,815 --> 00:30:54,693
Lucky Rick only stunned me, eh?
451
00:30:58,335 --> 00:31:00,246
Oh, wow!
452
00:31:03,135 --> 00:31:05,729
- Hello.
- Hello.
453
00:31:07,215 --> 00:31:10,844
Anybody watching must have thought
it was a negative reality inversion.
454
00:31:12,495 --> 00:31:15,532
Cor, that looked just like
a negative reality inversion.
455
00:31:15,695 --> 00:31:17,925
Yes, it did, a bit.
456
00:31:18,095 --> 00:31:20,484
I was right.
457
00:31:22,375 --> 00:31:24,127
- Hello.
- Hello.
458
00:31:24,295 --> 00:31:26,604
- Hello.
- Oh, wow!
459
00:31:28,535 --> 00:31:31,732
Rick planted me. I was the seed.
460
00:31:31,895 --> 00:31:36,366
Rick sowed me. Nature grew me. Yeah!
461
00:31:37,375 --> 00:31:40,651
RickI RickI
462
00:31:40,815 --> 00:31:44,728
This is the voiceof your conscience speaking.
463
00:31:44,895 --> 00:31:46,214
Shut up! Shut up!
464
00:31:46,375 --> 00:31:51,449
Don't tell me to shut up, you spottylittle bastard. I'm your conscience.
465
00:31:51,615 --> 00:31:54,891
You killed Neil, didn't you?
466
00:31:55,055 --> 00:32:00,083
No! No, it wasn't me. It was Vyvyan
and Mike, and I'm going to tell.
467
00:32:00,255 --> 00:32:04,134
They didn't bloody well do it.It was youI
468
00:32:04,295 --> 00:32:09,369
- Oh, God! Whose side are you on?
- Not bloody yours, mateyI
469
00:32:09,535 --> 00:32:11,890
Then get out of my head, poo-hole!
470
00:32:12,055 --> 00:32:16,253
HaI Try and make me, farty breathI
471
00:32:17,415 --> 00:32:21,249
Rick, tell your conscience
to keep its voice down!
472
00:32:21,415 --> 00:32:23,485
I'm trying to sleep!
473
00:32:26,135 --> 00:32:31,050
Oh, come on, Judge Mike!
He's a complete bastard. Let's hang him!
474
00:32:31,215 --> 00:32:34,844
I'm the People's Poet!
The spokesperson of a generation!
475
00:32:35,015 --> 00:32:37,529
Kids everywhere look to me
for inspiration!
476
00:32:37,695 --> 00:32:42,166
Oh, People's Poet, don't die!
We'll kill ourselves if you do!
477
00:32:42,335 --> 00:32:45,327
But first, we're going to take off
all our clothes!
478
00:32:45,495 --> 00:32:47,247
(GIRLISH SCREAMS)
479
00:32:48,255 --> 00:32:51,884
OiI Stop having a wet dream,you little pervyI
480
00:32:52,055 --> 00:32:54,853
You're supposed to be rackedwith remorseI
481
00:32:55,015 --> 00:32:57,245
I am! I am!
482
00:33:00,575 --> 00:33:02,964
(WAILS)
483
00:33:11,775 --> 00:33:14,289
Oh, Neil! Neil!
484
00:33:14,455 --> 00:33:17,015
Orange peel!
485
00:33:17,175 --> 00:33:20,247
If only I could see you again.
486
00:33:21,015 --> 00:33:24,007
- Hello, Rick.
- (SCREAMS)
487
00:33:26,055 --> 00:33:28,125
Hello, Rick.
488
00:33:31,895 --> 00:33:33,692
Hello, Rick.
489
00:33:35,215 --> 00:33:40,812
Help! Michael! Vyvyan! Neil's
come back from the grave as zombies!
490
00:33:42,295 --> 00:33:44,934
(CHEESY MUSIC)
491
00:33:46,575 --> 00:33:49,533
(ANNOUNCER) Good evening,and welcome to ''Nice Time''
492
00:33:49,695 --> 00:33:53,005
with Neil's parents and Brian DamageI
37368
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.