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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,575 --> 00:00:04,726 (''DALLAS''-STYLE THEME MUSIC) 2 00:00:45,375 --> 00:00:47,491 (GUNSHOT) 3 00:00:52,935 --> 00:00:56,450 (AMERICAN ACCENT) Listen. I've to got to see E.T.! 4 00:00:56,615 --> 00:00:59,527 It's been out two years, Mr Malvinas. 5 00:00:59,695 --> 00:01:03,574 - Haven't you seen it yet? - Not the film. 6 00:01:03,735 --> 00:01:07,967 E.T. Fairfax, the new head of Global Oil, your boss. 7 00:01:08,135 --> 00:01:10,126 (BUZZER) 8 00:01:10,295 --> 00:01:14,732 OK, Mr Malvinas, Mr Fairfax will see you now. 9 00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:26,452 E.T.? What is the meaning of this? I've just received this memo. 10 00:01:26,615 --> 00:01:28,765 Have you gone kooky? 11 00:01:29,855 --> 00:01:31,891 In the one day since inheriting Global Oil, 12 00:01:32,055 --> 00:01:37,049 you've managed to dispose of assets worth over six billion dollars! 13 00:01:39,095 --> 00:01:43,805 What is this? ''All annual profits to be donated 14 00:01:43,975 --> 00:01:48,890 ''to the Brothers of the Soil commune in Wales, England. 15 00:01:49,055 --> 00:01:54,891 ''All petroleum and oil to be sold at a retail price of 2p a gallon. 16 00:01:55,055 --> 00:02:01,324 ''All oil wells to be given, tax-free, to anyone really nice you can find.'' 17 00:02:04,295 --> 00:02:07,924 What is this, E.T.? Some kind of sick joke? 18 00:02:09,935 --> 00:02:13,848 Hello. Would you like a cup of herbal tea? 19 00:02:14,015 --> 00:02:17,928 - No, I do not! - No tea. 20 00:02:18,095 --> 00:02:20,529 My God! What are you doing now? 21 00:02:23,055 --> 00:02:24,374 Yeah. 22 00:02:27,135 --> 00:02:31,526 Listen, this company's done some pretty heavy things over the years. 23 00:02:31,695 --> 00:02:35,290 It better get beautiful or this planet's headed for oblivion. 24 00:02:35,455 --> 00:02:39,494 My God, you're right, E.T. Why am I wearing these businessman's clothes? 25 00:02:39,655 --> 00:02:42,613 I gotta take them off before I become a computer. 26 00:02:42,775 --> 00:02:45,369 Yeah! Let's make a teepee out of the desk! 27 00:02:45,535 --> 00:02:48,766 Yeah, you're beautiful. Let's be Indians! 28 00:02:48,935 --> 00:02:50,414 Woo! Woo! Woo! 29 00:02:52,055 --> 00:02:55,764 Oh, far out! Do you hear the bells, E.T.? 30 00:02:55,935 --> 00:02:58,529 They're dancing and loving each other, 31 00:02:58,695 --> 00:03:01,687 and it's all thanks to you, E.T.! 32 00:03:02,695 --> 00:03:05,573 (VYVYAN) Shut up, you bastardsI 33 00:03:06,215 --> 00:03:07,807 What? 34 00:03:09,455 --> 00:03:10,888 (CHURCH BELLS RING) 35 00:03:11,055 --> 00:03:13,888 (VYVYAN) Shut up, you bastardsI 36 00:03:16,375 --> 00:03:18,730 Oh, no. 37 00:03:18,895 --> 00:03:23,013 Shut up, you bastards! It's only eleven o'clock! 38 00:03:25,175 --> 00:03:32,206 (VYVYAN) Oh, GodI Shut up, pleaseI Turn the bloody bells offI 39 00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:56,007 Phwwooar! 40 00:04:24,695 --> 00:04:26,686 - Morning, Vyvyan. - Piss off. 41 00:04:26,855 --> 00:04:30,404 Yes, it is, isn't it? Vyvyan, do you remember anything...? 42 00:04:30,575 --> 00:04:33,328 Look, stop trying to break my concentration, Rick? 43 00:04:33,495 --> 00:04:36,567 I'm trying to get rid of this hangover! 44 00:04:38,015 --> 00:04:41,485 Yes, it was quite a party last night, wasn't it? 45 00:04:51,135 --> 00:04:53,569 Morning, Michael. You're up early. 46 00:04:53,735 --> 00:04:56,886 Well, I've got all the Sunday papers to get through. 47 00:04:58,495 --> 00:05:01,009 Quite a party last night, wasn't it? 48 00:05:01,175 --> 00:05:04,884 Party? Must have been good, I don't remember it. 49 00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:07,615 Ha-ha... God! 50 00:05:07,775 --> 00:05:11,529 - I'll just make some tea, shall I? - Eh? 51 00:05:11,695 --> 00:05:14,607 I thought I'd just make some tea. 52 00:05:14,775 --> 00:05:18,688 Let's see. One cup, two cups, three cups, four cups... 53 00:05:20,215 --> 00:05:23,013 Oh, no! We've only got four cups, and we need five! 54 00:05:25,975 --> 00:05:29,934 - I said, we need five. - There's one in the sink. 55 00:05:32,535 --> 00:05:37,973 I expect you're wondering why we need an extra cup, aren't you, Mike? 56 00:05:38,135 --> 00:05:42,048 - No. - You and me are men of the world. 57 00:05:42,215 --> 00:05:46,333 Vyvyan and Neil wouldn't understand that grown men like us need... 58 00:05:47,335 --> 00:05:49,007 - We need... - Two cups of tea. 59 00:05:49,175 --> 00:05:52,645 Yes... No. I mean, yes, we need two cups of tea, 60 00:05:52,815 --> 00:05:58,765 - but we don't drink both of them. - Exactly. One is for Trevor. 61 00:06:00,135 --> 00:06:02,046 - Trevor? - Yeah, you know, Trevor. 62 00:06:02,215 --> 00:06:04,968 My friend who lives in the bin. 63 00:06:07,335 --> 00:06:09,007 This bin? 64 00:06:09,175 --> 00:06:11,564 He'd hardly live in a biscuit barrel. 65 00:06:11,735 --> 00:06:13,885 - Why not? - It's full of biscuits! 66 00:06:19,135 --> 00:06:21,046 - Ah-ha. - Rick. Rick. 67 00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:22,728 - What? - Trevor's tea. 68 00:06:22,895 --> 00:06:25,170 - Yes... - Trevor's tea. 69 00:06:31,095 --> 00:06:33,325 Hello? Trevor? 70 00:06:33,495 --> 00:06:38,853 My name's Rick. Yes. Hi. I'm a close friend of Mike's. 71 00:06:39,015 --> 00:06:43,531 I wondered if you fancied a cup of tea. Oh, you don't? Oh. 72 00:06:43,695 --> 00:06:46,767 No, he says he doesn't think he'll bother. 73 00:06:46,935 --> 00:06:52,407 Had you going, didn't I? Talking to an empty bin? On a Sunday morning? 74 00:06:52,575 --> 00:06:54,088 There's no one there. He's gone to church. 75 00:06:56,655 --> 00:06:59,613 Well, then, I wonder who the extra cup of tea is for? 76 00:07:00,615 --> 00:07:02,890 (YELLS) 77 00:07:03,055 --> 00:07:07,287 Neil's scalded me! I'm disfigured! I am the Elephant Man! 78 00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:11,690 Oh, no, Rick. Sorry, but there's something freaky going on... 79 00:07:11,855 --> 00:07:13,607 - Lick it up. - What? 80 00:07:13,775 --> 00:07:17,404 - Lick it up, every last drop. Now! - Oh. 81 00:07:18,415 --> 00:07:21,691 Oh, hang on. Has it got sugar in it? 82 00:07:22,615 --> 00:07:25,413 - Yes, a bit. Yes. - Well, I can't, 83 00:07:25,575 --> 00:07:28,567 because sugar gives you brain damage. 84 00:07:28,735 --> 00:07:33,047 Well, you shouldn't come stampeding in like a long-haired elephant. 85 00:07:33,215 --> 00:07:37,049 - You mean, like a mammoth? - It doesn't matter. Start licking. 86 00:07:37,215 --> 00:07:40,810 Well, it does matter, because mammoths aren't long-haired, 87 00:07:40,975 --> 00:07:43,284 they're more, like, woolly... woolly mammoths. 88 00:07:43,455 --> 00:07:45,525 Yes. Yes. And they're extinct. 89 00:07:45,695 --> 00:07:48,767 Which proves what a bad analogy it was, because I'm not extinct. 90 00:07:48,935 --> 00:07:52,644 Just start clearing this mess up! Pig! 91 00:07:52,815 --> 00:07:57,331 - Oh, I'm a pig now, am I? - Yes. Now get licking, Porky! 92 00:08:00,015 --> 00:08:05,009 I don't mind being a pig, because pigs are really intelligent, actually. 93 00:08:05,175 --> 00:08:07,450 - Oh? - Yeah, like dolphins. 94 00:08:07,615 --> 00:08:11,608 Oh, are they? Well, who invented the internal combustion engine? 95 00:08:11,775 --> 00:08:16,724 Was it Porky the Pig? I don't think it was, was it? 96 00:08:16,895 --> 00:08:22,253 And the Theory of Relativity. Was Pythagoras a pig? No, he was Greek. 97 00:08:22,415 --> 00:08:27,011 So, tell me, Neil, what's the major piggy contribution to civilization? 98 00:08:27,175 --> 00:08:29,894 - Hmm? - Um... 99 00:08:30,735 --> 00:08:34,853 It's bacon, isn't it? Bacon and rolling around in the mud. 100 00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:38,610 Look out, Michelangelo, here comes the new piggy Renaissance! 101 00:08:42,655 --> 00:08:45,328 Good morning, everybody. 102 00:08:49,655 --> 00:08:52,374 I just can't get rid of this hangover. 103 00:08:52,935 --> 00:08:54,846 That'll teach you to mix your drinks. 104 00:08:55,015 --> 00:08:56,892 (BELL RINGS) 105 00:08:57,055 --> 00:08:59,967 - Is this a cheese shop? - No, sir. 106 00:09:00,135 --> 00:09:02,285 Well, that sketch's knackered, then. 107 00:09:02,815 --> 00:09:05,170 I said that'll teach you to mix your drinks! 108 00:09:05,335 --> 00:09:08,054 I already know how to mix my drinks. 109 00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:10,854 Yeah. Paint stripper and bleach. Lethal. 110 00:09:11,695 --> 00:09:14,846 Eenie, meenie, minie, mo... 111 00:09:15,015 --> 00:09:18,894 Oh, by the way, there's a couple of strange girls in the bathroom. 112 00:09:19,895 --> 00:09:25,094 Yeah, I saw one of them. That was the really freaky thing. 113 00:09:25,255 --> 00:09:28,565 Don't worry. She probably got lost looking for my room. 114 00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:32,614 I doubt it, actually, Mike, because, as a matter of interest, everybody, 115 00:09:32,775 --> 00:09:36,290 the girl in question...is with me! 116 00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:41,574 - Eh? - Hello! Hello! 117 00:09:41,735 --> 00:09:44,454 Easter eggs all round! 118 00:09:47,815 --> 00:09:51,285 Hello, everybody! I'm the Easter Bunny! 119 00:09:52,695 --> 00:09:56,813 - But it's June 12th. - What? 120 00:09:56,975 --> 00:10:00,126 It's the middle of summer, Big Ears. 121 00:10:01,575 --> 00:10:05,170 Oh, God. I'm sorry. 122 00:10:10,015 --> 00:10:12,245 I'm really sorry. 123 00:10:14,175 --> 00:10:18,532 What? You mean, you, like, scored with a chick? 124 00:10:19,855 --> 00:10:24,610 Well, I wouldn't put it in such sexist terms, Neil, but yes. 125 00:10:25,335 --> 00:10:29,294 Wait. I get the girls around here. There could be a copyright problem. 126 00:10:29,455 --> 00:10:34,927 But I don't understand. How? Was she unconscious? 127 00:10:36,175 --> 00:10:39,611 What, Vyvyan? Do I detect a little spark of jealousy? 128 00:10:39,775 --> 00:10:45,372 Ha! Jealous? I find the idea of spending a night with you revolting! 129 00:10:45,535 --> 00:10:47,765 You know perfectly well what I mean. 130 00:10:47,935 --> 00:10:51,484 Just because I was the raunchiest guy at the party. 131 00:10:51,655 --> 00:10:55,409 You passed out after half a glass of cider. 132 00:10:55,575 --> 00:10:59,090 Did I? That was anarchic! Well, it just goes to show, 133 00:10:59,255 --> 00:11:01,325 even unconscious, I pick up birds. 134 00:11:01,495 --> 00:11:03,884 I mean, forge meaningful relationships with birds... 135 00:11:04,055 --> 00:11:05,807 uh, chicks...tarts...women. 136 00:11:05,975 --> 00:11:08,967 - Damn! Women! - I must be hallucinating. 137 00:11:09,135 --> 00:11:13,606 - What's good for a hangover? - Drinking heavily the night before. 138 00:11:13,775 --> 00:11:15,094 Thanks, Mike. 139 00:11:15,255 --> 00:11:18,452 Was it, like... Was it the first time you've...? 140 00:11:18,615 --> 00:11:21,004 (LAUGHS) 141 00:11:21,175 --> 00:11:25,965 Listen to this! How could you think such a thing? My first time! 142 00:11:27,575 --> 00:11:29,645 What was it like? 143 00:11:31,095 --> 00:11:33,973 Well, you know... It was sort of... 144 00:11:36,015 --> 00:11:37,971 You know. 145 00:11:38,135 --> 00:11:40,774 No, I don't. 146 00:11:40,935 --> 00:11:45,725 Well, it was sort of...sexy. 147 00:11:45,895 --> 00:11:50,525 Oh, God. I think I'm going to be violently and copiously sick. 148 00:11:50,695 --> 00:11:54,165 Go into lengthy and vivid detail about the whole thing. 149 00:11:54,335 --> 00:11:56,849 I'm going to bend over, open my mouth, 150 00:11:57,015 --> 00:12:01,008 and when the muscles in my alimentary canal go into spasm... 151 00:12:01,175 --> 00:12:06,295 Not you, Vyvyan! Rick. I want to hear about it blow by blow! 152 00:12:06,455 --> 00:12:09,094 Eh? Oh! (SPLUTTERS) 153 00:12:09,255 --> 00:12:13,931 Well, what can I say? Have you got a spare couple of days? 154 00:12:14,095 --> 00:12:15,813 Yeah. 155 00:12:17,135 --> 00:12:19,126 Well, what can I say? It was... 156 00:12:21,695 --> 00:12:25,244 It was amazing. Pretty amazing. We did everything. 157 00:12:26,255 --> 00:12:27,927 Like what? 158 00:12:29,815 --> 00:12:32,249 Like everything. 159 00:12:33,895 --> 00:12:37,934 At one stage, she even took her bra off. 160 00:12:39,255 --> 00:12:42,247 So, I took my dungarees off, and... 161 00:12:46,735 --> 00:12:49,852 - There's those girls! - Hello. 162 00:12:50,015 --> 00:12:53,087 - Good morning. - Hi. Want to play strip poker? 163 00:12:53,255 --> 00:12:56,725 Shut up, Mike. Hello. I didn't hear you come in. 164 00:12:56,895 --> 00:12:58,851 Oh, I did. 165 00:13:00,295 --> 00:13:03,253 Uh... Come in. Uh... Sit down. 166 00:13:03,415 --> 00:13:06,088 Uh... Have some breakfast. Let me introduce everybody. 167 00:13:06,255 --> 00:13:10,214 OK. Last one to find the animal takes off their clothes. 168 00:13:10,375 --> 00:13:14,971 - I found it. Your turn. - (LAUGHS) This is Michael. 169 00:13:15,135 --> 00:13:19,651 This is Neil. Go away. That's Vyvyan...being sick. 170 00:13:20,935 --> 00:13:23,529 Guys, this is... 171 00:13:23,695 --> 00:13:25,970 (MUMBLES) 172 00:13:27,615 --> 00:13:30,004 Who are you? 173 00:13:30,175 --> 00:13:33,963 Oh, gosh! It's all so casual, isn't it? It's Rick. Rick. 174 00:13:42,295 --> 00:13:45,128 Nice day for it, isn't it? 175 00:13:45,295 --> 00:13:48,412 Oh, no, I didn't mean for ''it''. 176 00:13:48,575 --> 00:13:51,533 I meant, a nice day for weather. 177 00:13:53,095 --> 00:13:55,848 Come along, Neil. Get on with the breakfast. 178 00:13:56,015 --> 00:13:58,927 - We haven't got all day. - We have. 179 00:13:59,095 --> 00:14:02,007 - What? - It's Sunday. We have got all day. 180 00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:05,087 That's not what I'm trying to say. 181 00:14:05,255 --> 00:14:09,851 - What's the matter, Rick? - Nothing. I'll just make breakfast. 182 00:14:12,975 --> 00:14:16,888 I know what you're thinking. You'd think I meant centimetres. 183 00:14:17,055 --> 00:14:19,330 - I'm sorry? - I bet you are. 184 00:14:19,495 --> 00:14:22,851 Still, there's always tonight. What's your name? 185 00:14:23,015 --> 00:14:25,483 Promise you won't laugh? It's Helen. 186 00:14:25,655 --> 00:14:27,327 (LAUGHS) 187 00:14:29,855 --> 00:14:32,244 It's awful, isn't it? 188 00:14:32,415 --> 00:14:37,125 Sounds like someone who looks as if they've been to hell and back. 189 00:14:41,055 --> 00:14:43,205 It's hideously embarrassing. 190 00:14:44,215 --> 00:14:47,093 Still, at least my surname isn't Back. 191 00:14:48,695 --> 00:14:51,971 It'd be awful, wouldn't it? Helen Back. 192 00:14:55,175 --> 00:14:58,406 My surname is Mucous. 193 00:15:06,335 --> 00:15:08,929 Get down and groove! We dance all day in this house! 194 00:15:10,295 --> 00:15:12,445 (RELIGIOUS CHORAL MUSIC) 195 00:15:14,695 --> 00:15:16,686 - Vyv, you dancing? - You asking? 196 00:15:16,855 --> 00:15:19,767 - I'm asking. - Well, piss off! 197 00:15:20,455 --> 00:15:23,652 - I hope I'm not putting you all out. - (ALL) No! 198 00:15:25,375 --> 00:15:29,414 I hope you don't mind, but I needed somewhere to stay. 199 00:15:29,575 --> 00:15:33,284 When I saw you'd gone away, I climbed through the window, 200 00:15:33,455 --> 00:15:35,491 found an empty bed, and went to sleep. 201 00:15:37,215 --> 00:15:39,046 (ALL) Eh? 202 00:15:39,215 --> 00:15:42,844 No. No, no, no, darling. No. 203 00:15:43,015 --> 00:15:45,893 It wasn't an empty bed. I was in there. 204 00:15:46,695 --> 00:15:50,483 Were you? You weren't when I woke up. 205 00:15:50,655 --> 00:15:56,446 Rick, you bloody liar! You said you done it... He said he done it to you! 206 00:15:56,615 --> 00:16:00,051 Look. There's obviously been some ghastly misunderstanding... 207 00:16:00,215 --> 00:16:04,606 Ha-ha-ha! Rick is still a virgin! 208 00:16:04,775 --> 00:16:08,654 - I'm not! I am not a virgin! - Virgin! Virgin! 209 00:16:11,175 --> 00:16:12,494 - Oh, God! - Rick. 210 00:16:26,655 --> 00:16:29,886 That'll teach you to cast aspersions on my sexuality, Vyvyan. 211 00:16:30,055 --> 00:16:33,092 Now, then. Who wants a boiled egg? 212 00:16:35,375 --> 00:16:39,004 - Virgin! - I'll have a boiled egg, Rick! 213 00:16:39,175 --> 00:16:42,212 (RADIO ) We interrupt this programme for an emergency newsflash. 214 00:16:42,375 --> 00:16:44,764 A dangerous and vicious murderess has escaped 215 00:16:44,935 --> 00:16:47,403 from a maximum security jail and is on the loose. 216 00:16:49,975 --> 00:16:51,488 So, keep your doors and windows locked! 217 00:16:51,655 --> 00:16:55,284 # Captain Blood RadioI # 218 00:16:56,295 --> 00:16:59,571 This is Captain Blood Radio, broadcasting from 20 degrees south 219 00:16:59,735 --> 00:17:04,365 and 45 degrees west of Dead Man's Island in the medium wave area. 220 00:17:04,535 --> 00:17:09,086 And the fishing is good tonight, with the time coming up to...two inches. 221 00:17:09,255 --> 00:17:12,964 I'm Billy Blood. This is the Dull Religious Music Programme. 222 00:17:14,255 --> 00:17:17,133 Phew! Yo-ho-ho, my arse! 223 00:17:17,295 --> 00:17:19,411 That it would come to this. 224 00:17:19,575 --> 00:17:20,894 (KNOCK AT DOOR) 225 00:17:21,055 --> 00:17:22,773 Enter! 226 00:17:23,775 --> 00:17:27,450 - Ah, Fletcher! - No, sir. Smythe, the bo'sun. 227 00:17:27,615 --> 00:17:31,085 You're right. Can't see a thing with this patch on. 228 00:17:31,255 --> 00:17:33,894 - Sir. - You're a strapping young lad. 229 00:17:34,055 --> 00:17:37,365 - Sit on Uncle Billy's knee. - Aye, sir. 230 00:17:37,535 --> 00:17:42,973 ''Aye, sir''?! Was that some kind of joke to my ocular capacity?! 231 00:17:43,135 --> 00:17:44,454 No, Captain... 232 00:17:44,615 --> 00:17:48,893 I'll show you what we do with insubordination on my ship! 233 00:17:49,055 --> 00:17:50,773 - Bo'sun! - Yes, sir! 234 00:17:50,935 --> 00:17:53,654 There you are. Take him out and flog him. 235 00:17:53,815 --> 00:17:55,885 Very good, Captain. 236 00:17:58,455 --> 00:18:01,572 (BO'SUN) Ow! Ow! Thrash! Thrash! Et cetera. 237 00:18:02,855 --> 00:18:05,528 - Well? - I flogged him, sir. 238 00:18:05,695 --> 00:18:08,846 How much did you get? (LAUGHS) 239 00:18:09,015 --> 00:18:14,533 - He'll rue the day he came to sea. - See? See what? Was he blind? 240 00:18:14,695 --> 00:18:17,163 No, Captain. I meant to say... 241 00:18:17,335 --> 00:18:20,691 - Shut up, you fat cyclops! - Who was that? 242 00:18:20,855 --> 00:18:22,732 That was your parrot. 243 00:18:22,895 --> 00:18:25,455 I don't have a parrot! I hate the creatures! 244 00:18:25,615 --> 00:18:29,654 Horrible, furry things, hopping around, breeding, and eating carrots! 245 00:18:30,135 --> 00:18:33,571 Next, you'll tell me I've got a talking dog! 246 00:18:34,495 --> 00:18:36,372 Slap my vitals! We scuppered! 247 00:18:36,535 --> 00:18:39,333 No, it's definitely knackered. 248 00:18:39,495 --> 00:18:41,929 I can hear something rattling inside. 249 00:18:42,095 --> 00:18:46,407 Sorry. I don't know how I spilled tea on it from here. 250 00:18:46,575 --> 00:18:50,045 Yeah, it was weird. You seemed to pick up the cup 251 00:18:50,215 --> 00:18:52,934 and violently throw it at the radio. 252 00:18:53,095 --> 00:18:57,771 - I must apologize. - Oh, Neil does it all the time. 253 00:18:57,935 --> 00:19:00,085 - Throws cups? - No, apologizes. 254 00:19:00,255 --> 00:19:02,723 Oh, hang on. I think I've fixed it. 255 00:19:02,895 --> 00:19:04,214 (MAN) Good afternoon. 256 00:19:04,375 --> 00:19:09,244 This is the objective and strictly impartial BBC World Service, 257 00:19:09,415 --> 00:19:12,725 operating on behalf of the Conservative party. 258 00:19:12,895 --> 00:19:14,772 And now a newsflash... 259 00:19:14,935 --> 00:19:16,527 Ooh! 260 00:19:19,015 --> 00:19:23,054 Oh, dear! Clumsy me. I've done it again. What can I say? 261 00:19:23,215 --> 00:19:27,003 How about, ''Mike, put your hand up my skirt.'' 262 00:19:32,255 --> 00:19:36,328 Excuse me. I do have a newsflash, if anybody is listening. 263 00:19:36,495 --> 00:19:39,293 Good idea. Let's have breakfast in bed. 264 00:19:41,735 --> 00:19:44,329 - I am not a virgin! - Virgin! 265 00:19:44,495 --> 00:19:47,168 Virgin! Virgin! 266 00:19:49,055 --> 00:19:51,091 Alternatively, we can have bed and breakfast. 267 00:19:51,255 --> 00:19:55,726 I'm not a virgin! I am not a virgin! All right. All right. 268 00:19:55,895 --> 00:19:59,774 How come I know what a girl's bottom looks like? 269 00:19:59,935 --> 00:20:02,972 - From looking in the mirror. - Damn! 270 00:20:04,495 --> 00:20:07,453 (RADIO ) Listen, you stupid bastard, I've been trying to tell you, 271 00:20:07,615 --> 00:20:12,006 that girl with her hands over Mike's ears is a dangerous murdererI 272 00:20:12,175 --> 00:20:15,372 - That's it, baby. Treat me rough. - No, a murdererI 273 00:20:16,175 --> 00:20:17,893 That's better, now... 274 00:20:18,055 --> 00:20:21,650 please... NoI No, you idiotI I'm your last hopeI 275 00:20:21,815 --> 00:20:26,013 - Missed me, virgin! - I'm not a virgin! 276 00:20:26,175 --> 00:20:29,690 Hey, I've just heard something amazingly heavy on the radio! 277 00:20:29,855 --> 00:20:33,211 - I'm not a virgin! - Virgin! Virgin! 278 00:20:33,375 --> 00:20:35,491 - I am not a...! - (POP!) 279 00:20:36,615 --> 00:20:39,812 Oh, no. The light bulb's gone. 280 00:20:39,975 --> 00:20:43,251 Well, I'm not surprised, considering you smell so much! 281 00:20:43,415 --> 00:20:46,327 Rick, I'm not suggesting your jokes are predictable, 282 00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:49,885 but there are undiscovered tribes in the Peruvian jungle 283 00:20:50,055 --> 00:20:51,852 who knew you were going to say that. 284 00:20:54,255 --> 00:20:58,567 The strange thing is, Rick was right! That hippie really does pong! 285 00:20:58,735 --> 00:21:01,124 Here's a joke, Rick, right? 286 00:21:01,295 --> 00:21:05,607 How many people would it take to change one light bulb? 287 00:21:05,775 --> 00:21:09,688 One. Me, because I'm the only person who ever does anything. 288 00:21:09,855 --> 00:21:12,164 Oh, yes. What about Amazulu? 289 00:21:33,135 --> 00:21:35,729 It's our song, baby. Let's dance. 290 00:21:38,175 --> 00:21:40,086 # Got so much love 291 00:21:40,255 --> 00:21:41,893 # So much love 292 00:21:42,055 --> 00:21:43,807 # Got so much love 293 00:21:43,975 --> 00:21:46,045 # So much love 294 00:21:46,215 --> 00:21:49,969 # When we're together and the lights start to dimmer 295 00:21:50,135 --> 00:21:53,605 # Others move right out of view 296 00:21:53,775 --> 00:21:57,609 # Yes, your soft and tender arms around me 297 00:21:57,775 --> 00:22:00,608 # Waste ain't cool, 'cause we are no fools... 298 00:22:00,775 --> 00:22:03,733 Can you put me down now? I'm getting vertigo. 299 00:22:03,895 --> 00:22:05,487 Sure, Neil. 300 00:22:06,495 --> 00:22:08,133 # So much love 301 00:22:08,295 --> 00:22:13,927 # Got so much love for you, and I know it's gonna last... 302 00:22:16,575 --> 00:22:20,090 Neil, are you going to change this light bulb? 303 00:22:20,255 --> 00:22:22,974 Me and Mike are sick of your laziness. 304 00:22:23,135 --> 00:22:26,411 - Yeah, and me. - Yes, and...thing. 305 00:22:31,135 --> 00:22:35,014 # Order a drink, 'cause the last one's about to finish 306 00:22:35,175 --> 00:22:38,770 # Moonlight romance, nights to remember 307 00:22:38,935 --> 00:22:42,245 # Take my arm as I call out a taxi... 308 00:22:42,975 --> 00:22:46,809 - Amazulu. - Is that right? Ah'm a Glaswegian. 309 00:22:47,935 --> 00:22:49,368 # So much love 310 00:22:49,535 --> 00:22:51,491 # Got so much love 311 00:22:51,655 --> 00:22:53,008 # So much love 312 00:22:53,175 --> 00:22:55,166 # Got so much love 313 00:22:55,335 --> 00:22:56,734 # So much love 314 00:22:56,895 --> 00:22:58,772 # Got so much love 315 00:22:58,935 --> 00:23:00,448 # So much love 316 00:23:00,615 --> 00:23:06,531 # Got so much love for you and I know it's gonna last 317 00:23:08,135 --> 00:23:13,687 # Got so much love for you and I know it's gonna last 318 00:23:15,615 --> 00:23:20,052 # Got so much love for you and I know it's gonna last 319 00:23:21,575 --> 00:23:23,486 # BrrrrrrrrrrrI # 320 00:23:24,135 --> 00:23:28,731 Yes, very sweet, but can you go now? We're changing the light bulb. 321 00:23:28,895 --> 00:23:30,374 Thank you. Thank you. When you're ready. 322 00:23:33,095 --> 00:23:34,892 Right. 323 00:23:35,055 --> 00:23:38,650 Stop sniveling, Neil. It's because of you the bulb went. 324 00:23:38,815 --> 00:23:41,852 Why can't we use the stepladder? 325 00:23:42,015 --> 00:23:45,405 Honestly, Neil. Of all the stupid ideas. 326 00:23:45,575 --> 00:23:49,124 Don't worry, Neil. We've worked it out to the minutest detail. 327 00:23:49,295 --> 00:23:52,287 Your angle of trajection, your specific velocity... 328 00:23:52,455 --> 00:23:55,447 - Where to bury you. - Where to bury you... No! 329 00:23:55,615 --> 00:24:00,245 Only joking! You saw the dummy run with a sack of potatoes. 330 00:24:00,415 --> 00:24:03,487 That was a packet of Smash! 331 00:24:03,655 --> 00:24:07,364 Everyone knows they're better than real potatoes. That's what I mean. 332 00:24:07,535 --> 00:24:11,767 And what's the problem, Neil? The dummy run was a complete success. 333 00:24:11,935 --> 00:24:15,894 What do you mean? The packet was smashed into 15 million pieces! 334 00:24:16,055 --> 00:24:20,128 And every one of those pieces was smashed into 15 million pieces. 335 00:24:20,295 --> 00:24:23,128 And, although at that point I stopped counting, I... 336 00:24:23,295 --> 00:24:29,211 Exactly. You are totally different to Smash, so we should be all right. 337 00:24:29,375 --> 00:24:33,527 Please, can we get on? It's only Neil, for Cliff's sake! 338 00:24:33,695 --> 00:24:35,208 Right. Don't worry, Neil. 339 00:24:35,375 --> 00:24:38,811 Remember, as you pass the fitting, change the bulb. 340 00:24:38,975 --> 00:24:43,446 - Ready, guys? Five... - (ALL) Four... Three... Two... 341 00:24:43,615 --> 00:24:45,492 (SQUELCHY FART) 342 00:24:45,655 --> 00:24:48,488 Don't worry, Neil. That won't effect your weight. 343 00:24:48,655 --> 00:24:51,294 Ready, guys? One! 344 00:24:51,455 --> 00:24:53,411 Whoooooaa! 345 00:24:54,415 --> 00:24:56,406 Oh, wow! 346 00:24:56,575 --> 00:24:59,647 Oh, no, this carpet really needs hoovering! 347 00:24:59,815 --> 00:25:02,283 (SUCKS) 348 00:25:02,455 --> 00:25:05,333 Strange. Every time I pull at Neil's ankles, 349 00:25:05,495 --> 00:25:08,965 flakes of crusty skin come off beneath my fingernails. 350 00:25:09,135 --> 00:25:13,572 That's his cornflakes. He keeps them in his socks so I don't steal them. 351 00:25:13,735 --> 00:25:17,364 What a nerdy! I initial mine with sticky labels. 352 00:25:17,535 --> 00:25:19,890 I just eat the labels as well. 353 00:25:20,695 --> 00:25:22,890 - Come on! - (YELLS) 354 00:25:25,135 --> 00:25:28,172 The ceiling's fallen in, but at least the bulb's OK. 355 00:25:28,335 --> 00:25:32,123 Yeah. Here it is, safe and sound. 356 00:25:40,615 --> 00:25:44,688 Where were we? Oh, yes... Virgin. 357 00:25:44,855 --> 00:25:47,085 Virgin! Virgin! 358 00:25:48,455 --> 00:25:53,404 Here we are, baby. Ready for fun, ready for loving, and it's only one. 359 00:25:53,575 --> 00:25:57,568 - Gosh, is that the time? - No, that's a wristwatch. 360 00:25:57,735 --> 00:25:59,646 - I must be going. - Wait! 361 00:25:59,815 --> 00:26:04,969 - What's 2 foot long with a round end? - I don't know. 362 00:26:05,135 --> 00:26:07,603 Nor me, but I keep finding it in my cornflakes. 363 00:26:07,775 --> 00:26:10,369 - That'll be your... - (WHINNIES) 364 00:26:12,735 --> 00:26:14,054 Now I'll never know. 365 00:26:15,215 --> 00:26:16,853 Mike! Mike! 366 00:26:17,015 --> 00:26:19,813 Rick's pretend girlfriend has been crushed by... 367 00:26:19,975 --> 00:26:21,931 a sort of medieval knight. 368 00:26:22,095 --> 00:26:24,734 Fol-de-rol de-ray-doo-day! 369 00:26:24,895 --> 00:26:28,683 That's groovy, but why the fancy dress? Who are you? 370 00:26:28,855 --> 00:26:32,643 - I am a knight of the Square Table. - Square Table? 371 00:26:32,815 --> 00:26:36,774 Well, King Arthur doesn't think I'm cool enough for the Round Table 372 00:26:36,935 --> 00:26:40,245 because my suits of armour still have flares. 373 00:26:40,415 --> 00:26:43,248 Ah! You can't get squarer than that. 374 00:26:43,415 --> 00:26:45,087 No, shut up, Mike. 375 00:26:46,895 --> 00:26:52,447 - Nothing wrong with flares. - And I'm not really into war. Look! 376 00:26:52,615 --> 00:26:57,530 Flowers on my lance. And if I ever have to fight a dragon, 377 00:26:57,695 --> 00:27:00,971 I look at it from the dragon's point of view. 378 00:27:01,135 --> 00:27:05,447 Oh, that's beautiful. A hippie knight. 379 00:27:11,695 --> 00:27:13,526 Sorry, man. It's my job. 380 00:27:13,695 --> 00:27:17,005 - Where did you get that howitzer? - Found it! 381 00:27:17,175 --> 00:27:19,131 Well, put it back, young man! 382 00:27:19,295 --> 00:27:22,731 I will, just as soon as I've blown you to pieces. 383 00:27:25,695 --> 00:27:27,253 (MUSIC: ''GREENSLEEVES'') 384 00:27:28,735 --> 00:27:36,289 I bet...in one second... both of my legs will fall off! 385 00:27:37,615 --> 00:27:40,732 All right. You're on. 386 00:27:42,375 --> 00:27:43,728 One! 387 00:27:46,335 --> 00:27:50,169 Damn! That's a pound of potatoes I've already lost today. 388 00:27:58,095 --> 00:28:02,373 Hey, there's a 20th-century pad back there. They're giving away damsels! 389 00:28:02,535 --> 00:28:04,491 Here, have one. 390 00:28:05,535 --> 00:28:08,368 Excuse me, where's the rest of the street? 391 00:28:08,535 --> 00:28:09,854 (WHISTLING) 392 00:28:14,015 --> 00:28:18,566 No! Vyvyan! No! Please! Look! You were right! I am a virgin! 393 00:28:18,735 --> 00:28:20,487 Not for long, matey. 394 00:28:23,295 --> 00:28:25,809 Look, sorry about your relatives. 395 00:28:27,615 --> 00:28:31,051 - He's a sorcerer! - No, honestly, honestly, 396 00:28:31,215 --> 00:28:35,652 I just wondered where the bus stop's gone and where that hut came from. 397 00:28:43,095 --> 00:28:46,212 There's 59 pence compensation for disagreeing with you. 398 00:28:46,375 --> 00:28:47,694 Thank you. 399 00:28:47,855 --> 00:28:50,494 I'll get the T-shirt printed in the morning. 400 00:28:50,655 --> 00:28:55,524 Guys, quick! Barricade the door! Lock all the windows! 401 00:28:56,655 --> 00:28:58,373 Pretend to be invisible! 402 00:28:58,535 --> 00:29:01,971 I've just committed a bit of a faux pas. 403 00:29:02,135 --> 00:29:06,845 - Neil, have you upset the neighbours? - No, I've blown them up! 404 00:29:07,015 --> 00:29:09,529 Who said Sunday was a day of rest? 405 00:29:09,695 --> 00:29:12,846 - God. - I knew it was someone Tory. 406 00:29:13,775 --> 00:29:16,494 I shouldn't have touched that magpie. 407 00:29:16,655 --> 00:29:19,647 You're so superstitious. You'd think it was the Middle Ages. 408 00:29:19,815 --> 00:29:22,693 - I'm afraid we are. - What? 409 00:29:23,775 --> 00:29:29,805 Oh, no! Mysteriously, the house has gone through some sort of time warp. 410 00:29:29,975 --> 00:29:35,572 Oh, isn't is all simply enchanting? It's like a drawing by Brueghel, 411 00:29:35,735 --> 00:29:39,171 with lots of working-class people thrashing about with pitchforks. 412 00:29:39,335 --> 00:29:41,895 Yeah. They look angry, don't they? 413 00:29:42,055 --> 00:29:44,615 Just think. No nuclear power, no pollution, 414 00:29:44,775 --> 00:29:47,414 no electric cables ruining the landscape... 415 00:29:47,575 --> 00:29:49,372 (ALL) No telly! 416 00:29:49,535 --> 00:29:52,971 Oh, no! I'll die if I miss Scooby Doo! 417 00:29:54,175 --> 00:29:57,724 Too bloody right, Neil! Everybody panic! 418 00:30:03,015 --> 00:30:05,404 Neil, put your head in there. 419 00:30:05,575 --> 00:30:07,611 Right. On the chair. 420 00:30:09,855 --> 00:30:13,245 When you said panic, I didn't think you meant hang me. 421 00:30:13,415 --> 00:30:15,212 - Rick, test the telly. - Right. 422 00:30:16,255 --> 00:30:19,964 ..hotting up in the battle between TVstations for higher ratings... 423 00:30:20,135 --> 00:30:22,729 You're very lucky, Neil. 424 00:30:22,895 --> 00:30:27,889 ..then the BBC came back with ''Strip Sex Snooker Darts On Ice'' 425 00:30:28,055 --> 00:30:30,523 with Torvill and Dean. 426 00:30:30,695 --> 00:30:32,686 Of course, ITV immediately came back 427 00:30:32,855 --> 00:30:36,484 with ''Roland Rat's TV-AM Public Executions''. 428 00:30:36,655 --> 00:30:39,123 (AS ROLAND RAT) Cut his head off! Yeah! 429 00:30:39,295 --> 00:30:41,286 But now, we have... 430 00:30:41,455 --> 00:30:46,290 Jester Balowski's Medieval Torture Hour! 431 00:30:46,455 --> 00:30:47,808 (APPLAUSE) 432 00:30:47,975 --> 00:30:53,447 Yeah! Medieval torture. And our first torture victim is...? Gwendoline? 433 00:30:53,615 --> 00:30:59,611 And our first victim tonight is Spasspecker the Dull! 434 00:30:59,775 --> 00:31:03,324 (JESTER) Spasspecker the Dull! Come on down! 435 00:31:04,655 --> 00:31:09,126 Spasspecker, come here! Come here, Spasspecker the Dull. 436 00:31:09,295 --> 00:31:12,412 Whoo-hoo! First in for medieval torture. 437 00:31:12,575 --> 00:31:17,171 - Now, are you nervous, Spasspecker? - A little, Jester, yes. 438 00:31:18,335 --> 00:31:22,089 And apparently, you're married with one lovely daughter. 439 00:31:22,255 --> 00:31:25,691 - That's right, Jester. Gwynyth. - Gwynyth. That's right. 440 00:31:25,855 --> 00:31:29,404 But unfortunately, she can't be with us tonight, can she? No. 441 00:31:29,575 --> 00:31:32,647 Because she's not lovely at the moment, is she? No. 442 00:31:32,815 --> 00:31:35,773 Because she's got the plague, hasn't she? 443 00:31:35,935 --> 00:31:39,723 And her face is one enormous bag of pus! 444 00:31:39,895 --> 00:31:41,487 That's right, Jester. 445 00:31:41,655 --> 00:31:45,045 In fact, there's a funny story about that. 446 00:31:45,215 --> 00:31:49,128 She wanted to come tonight, but her arms fell off. 447 00:31:50,695 --> 00:31:55,974 Now, pay attention, because we'll be back after this break. 448 00:31:56,135 --> 00:31:58,012 (CRUNCH) 449 00:31:59,015 --> 00:32:03,884 Now, how would you like to be tortured, Spasspecker? 450 00:32:04,055 --> 00:32:07,525 Would you like some live scampi in your britches? 451 00:32:07,695 --> 00:32:10,732 Would you like your eyes sucked out by a goat, 452 00:32:10,895 --> 00:32:13,455 then replaced with some hot toffee apples? 453 00:32:13,615 --> 00:32:16,288 (ALL SHOUT) 454 00:32:17,295 --> 00:32:20,014 Well, it's completely bloody irrelevant anyway. 455 00:32:20,175 --> 00:32:23,406 Tell us, Spasspecker, what actually was your crime? 456 00:32:23,575 --> 00:32:26,214 Um... Whistling on a Tuesday, Jester. 457 00:32:26,375 --> 00:32:28,650 - (AUDIENCE) Ooh! - You bastard! 458 00:32:28,815 --> 00:32:33,172 We've got for you, later on, pro-celebrity torture, 459 00:32:33,335 --> 00:32:35,565 in which Toby Gruntsplatter, 460 00:32:35,735 --> 00:32:38,886 pain-giver to the court of King Edward the Optical Illusion... 461 00:32:39,055 --> 00:32:40,613 (APPLAUSE) 462 00:32:40,775 --> 00:32:45,326 will be torturing Dennis Waterman's Show Business Eleven! 463 00:32:45,495 --> 00:32:46,814 (APPLAUSE) 464 00:32:46,975 --> 00:32:51,093 - Including Sir Geoffrey Chaucer... - (APPLAUSE) 465 00:32:51,255 --> 00:32:54,167 - Sir Boring Old Fart... - (APPLAUSE) 466 00:32:54,335 --> 00:32:57,691 and Helen, the completely mad murderess. 467 00:33:01,735 --> 00:33:04,886 Oh, no! The house has been surrounded by angry peasants! 468 00:33:05,055 --> 00:33:06,647 They're going to burn us as witches! 469 00:33:06,815 --> 00:33:09,534 We're completely trapped. The outlook is bleak! 470 00:33:09,695 --> 00:33:12,528 What are we going to do? 471 00:33:12,695 --> 00:33:15,289 - Oh, who cares? - Yeah. 36330

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