Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,575 --> 00:00:04,726
(''DALLAS''-STYLE THEME MUSIC)
2
00:00:45,375 --> 00:00:47,491
(GUNSHOT)
3
00:00:52,935 --> 00:00:56,450
(AMERICAN ACCENT) Listen.
I've to got to see E.T.!
4
00:00:56,615 --> 00:00:59,527
It's been out two years,
Mr Malvinas.
5
00:00:59,695 --> 00:01:03,574
- Haven't you seen it yet?
- Not the film.
6
00:01:03,735 --> 00:01:07,967
E.T. Fairfax, the new head
of Global Oil, your boss.
7
00:01:08,135 --> 00:01:10,126
(BUZZER)
8
00:01:10,295 --> 00:01:14,732
OK, Mr Malvinas,
Mr Fairfax will see you now.
9
00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:26,452
E.T.? What is the meaning of this?
I've just received this memo.
10
00:01:26,615 --> 00:01:28,765
Have you gone kooky?
11
00:01:29,855 --> 00:01:31,891
In the one day
since inheriting Global Oil,
12
00:01:32,055 --> 00:01:37,049
you've managed to dispose of assets
worth over six billion dollars!
13
00:01:39,095 --> 00:01:43,805
What is this?
''All annual profits to be donated
14
00:01:43,975 --> 00:01:48,890
''to the Brothers of the Soil commune
in Wales, England.
15
00:01:49,055 --> 00:01:54,891
''All petroleum and oil to be sold
at a retail price of 2p a gallon.
16
00:01:55,055 --> 00:02:01,324
''All oil wells to be given, tax-free,
to anyone really nice you can find.''
17
00:02:04,295 --> 00:02:07,924
What is this, E.T.?
Some kind of sick joke?
18
00:02:09,935 --> 00:02:13,848
Hello. Would you like a cup
of herbal tea?
19
00:02:14,015 --> 00:02:17,928
- No, I do not!
- No tea.
20
00:02:18,095 --> 00:02:20,529
My God! What are you doing now?
21
00:02:23,055 --> 00:02:24,374
Yeah.
22
00:02:27,135 --> 00:02:31,526
Listen, this company's done some
pretty heavy things over the years.
23
00:02:31,695 --> 00:02:35,290
It better get beautiful
or this planet's headed for oblivion.
24
00:02:35,455 --> 00:02:39,494
My God, you're right, E.T. Why am I
wearing these businessman's clothes?
25
00:02:39,655 --> 00:02:42,613
I gotta take them off
before I become a computer.
26
00:02:42,775 --> 00:02:45,369
Yeah! Let's make a teepee
out of the desk!
27
00:02:45,535 --> 00:02:48,766
Yeah, you're beautiful.
Let's be Indians!
28
00:02:48,935 --> 00:02:50,414
Woo! Woo! Woo!
29
00:02:52,055 --> 00:02:55,764
Oh, far out!
Do you hear the bells, E.T.?
30
00:02:55,935 --> 00:02:58,529
They're dancing
and loving each other,
31
00:02:58,695 --> 00:03:01,687
and it's all thanks to you, E.T.!
32
00:03:02,695 --> 00:03:05,573
(VYVYAN) Shut up, you bastardsI
33
00:03:06,215 --> 00:03:07,807
What?
34
00:03:09,455 --> 00:03:10,888
(CHURCH BELLS RING)
35
00:03:11,055 --> 00:03:13,888
(VYVYAN) Shut up, you bastardsI
36
00:03:16,375 --> 00:03:18,730
Oh, no.
37
00:03:18,895 --> 00:03:23,013
Shut up, you bastards!
It's only eleven o'clock!
38
00:03:25,175 --> 00:03:32,206
(VYVYAN) Oh, GodI Shut up, pleaseITurn the bloody bells offI
39
00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:56,007
Phwwooar!
40
00:04:24,695 --> 00:04:26,686
- Morning, Vyvyan.
- Piss off.
41
00:04:26,855 --> 00:04:30,404
Yes, it is, isn't it?
Vyvyan, do you remember anything...?
42
00:04:30,575 --> 00:04:33,328
Look, stop trying to break
my concentration, Rick?
43
00:04:33,495 --> 00:04:36,567
I'm trying to get rid
of this hangover!
44
00:04:38,015 --> 00:04:41,485
Yes, it was quite a party last night,
wasn't it?
45
00:04:51,135 --> 00:04:53,569
Morning, Michael. You're up early.
46
00:04:53,735 --> 00:04:56,886
Well, I've got all the Sunday papers
to get through.
47
00:04:58,495 --> 00:05:01,009
Quite a party last night, wasn't it?
48
00:05:01,175 --> 00:05:04,884
Party? Must have been good,
I don't remember it.
49
00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:07,615
Ha-ha... God!
50
00:05:07,775 --> 00:05:11,529
- I'll just make some tea, shall I?
- Eh?
51
00:05:11,695 --> 00:05:14,607
I thought I'd just make some tea.
52
00:05:14,775 --> 00:05:18,688
Let's see. One cup, two cups,
three cups, four cups...
53
00:05:20,215 --> 00:05:23,013
Oh, no! We've only got four cups,
and we need five!
54
00:05:25,975 --> 00:05:29,934
- I said, we need five.
- There's one in the sink.
55
00:05:32,535 --> 00:05:37,973
I expect you're wondering why we need
an extra cup, aren't you, Mike?
56
00:05:38,135 --> 00:05:42,048
- No.
- You and me are men of the world.
57
00:05:42,215 --> 00:05:46,333
Vyvyan and Neil wouldn't understand
that grown men like us need...
58
00:05:47,335 --> 00:05:49,007
- We need...
- Two cups of tea.
59
00:05:49,175 --> 00:05:52,645
Yes... No. I mean,
yes, we need two cups of tea,
60
00:05:52,815 --> 00:05:58,765
- but we don't drink both of them.
- Exactly. One is for Trevor.
61
00:06:00,135 --> 00:06:02,046
- Trevor?
- Yeah, you know, Trevor.
62
00:06:02,215 --> 00:06:04,968
My friend who lives in the bin.
63
00:06:07,335 --> 00:06:09,007
This bin?
64
00:06:09,175 --> 00:06:11,564
He'd hardly live in a biscuit barrel.
65
00:06:11,735 --> 00:06:13,885
- Why not?
- It's full of biscuits!
66
00:06:19,135 --> 00:06:21,046
- Ah-ha.
- Rick. Rick.
67
00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:22,728
- What?
- Trevor's tea.
68
00:06:22,895 --> 00:06:25,170
- Yes...
- Trevor's tea.
69
00:06:31,095 --> 00:06:33,325
Hello? Trevor?
70
00:06:33,495 --> 00:06:38,853
My name's Rick. Yes. Hi.
I'm a close friend of Mike's.
71
00:06:39,015 --> 00:06:43,531
I wondered if you fancied
a cup of tea. Oh, you don't? Oh.
72
00:06:43,695 --> 00:06:46,767
No, he says
he doesn't think he'll bother.
73
00:06:46,935 --> 00:06:52,407
Had you going, didn't I?
Talking to an empty bin? On a Sunday morning?
74
00:06:52,575 --> 00:06:54,088
There's no one there. He's gone to church.
75
00:06:56,655 --> 00:06:59,613
Well, then, I wonder
who the extra cup of tea is for?
76
00:07:00,615 --> 00:07:02,890
(YELLS)
77
00:07:03,055 --> 00:07:07,287
Neil's scalded me! I'm disfigured!
I am the Elephant Man!
78
00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:11,690
Oh, no, Rick. Sorry, but there's
something freaky going on...
79
00:07:11,855 --> 00:07:13,607
- Lick it up.
- What?
80
00:07:13,775 --> 00:07:17,404
- Lick it up, every last drop. Now!
- Oh.
81
00:07:18,415 --> 00:07:21,691
Oh, hang on. Has it got sugar in it?
82
00:07:22,615 --> 00:07:25,413
- Yes, a bit. Yes.
- Well, I can't,
83
00:07:25,575 --> 00:07:28,567
because sugar gives you brain damage.
84
00:07:28,735 --> 00:07:33,047
Well, you shouldn't come stampeding in
like a long-haired elephant.
85
00:07:33,215 --> 00:07:37,049
- You mean, like a mammoth?
- It doesn't matter. Start licking.
86
00:07:37,215 --> 00:07:40,810
Well, it does matter, because
mammoths aren't long-haired,
87
00:07:40,975 --> 00:07:43,284
they're more, like, woolly...
woolly mammoths.
88
00:07:43,455 --> 00:07:45,525
Yes. Yes. And they're extinct.
89
00:07:45,695 --> 00:07:48,767
Which proves what a bad analogy
it was, because I'm not extinct.
90
00:07:48,935 --> 00:07:52,644
Just start clearing
this mess up! Pig!
91
00:07:52,815 --> 00:07:57,331
- Oh, I'm a pig now, am I?
- Yes. Now get licking, Porky!
92
00:08:00,015 --> 00:08:05,009
I don't mind being a pig, because
pigs are really intelligent, actually.
93
00:08:05,175 --> 00:08:07,450
- Oh?
- Yeah, like dolphins.
94
00:08:07,615 --> 00:08:11,608
Oh, are they? Well, who invented
the internal combustion engine?
95
00:08:11,775 --> 00:08:16,724
Was it Porky the Pig?
I don't think it was, was it?
96
00:08:16,895 --> 00:08:22,253
And the Theory of Relativity. Was
Pythagoras a pig? No, he was Greek.
97
00:08:22,415 --> 00:08:27,011
So, tell me, Neil, what's the major
piggy contribution to civilization?
98
00:08:27,175 --> 00:08:29,894
- Hmm?
- Um...
99
00:08:30,735 --> 00:08:34,853
It's bacon, isn't it?
Bacon and rolling around in the mud.
100
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:38,610
Look out, Michelangelo, here comes
the new piggy Renaissance!
101
00:08:42,655 --> 00:08:45,328
Good morning, everybody.
102
00:08:49,655 --> 00:08:52,374
I just can't get rid
of this hangover.
103
00:08:52,935 --> 00:08:54,846
That'll teach you to mix your drinks.
104
00:08:55,015 --> 00:08:56,892
(BELL RINGS)
105
00:08:57,055 --> 00:08:59,967
- Is this a cheese shop?
- No, sir.
106
00:09:00,135 --> 00:09:02,285
Well, that sketch's knackered, then.
107
00:09:02,815 --> 00:09:05,170
I said that'll teach you
to mix your drinks!
108
00:09:05,335 --> 00:09:08,054
I already know how to mix my drinks.
109
00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:10,854
Yeah. Paint stripper and bleach.
Lethal.
110
00:09:11,695 --> 00:09:14,846
Eenie, meenie, minie, mo...
111
00:09:15,015 --> 00:09:18,894
Oh, by the way, there's a couple
of strange girls in the bathroom.
112
00:09:19,895 --> 00:09:25,094
Yeah, I saw one of them.
That was the really freaky thing.
113
00:09:25,255 --> 00:09:28,565
Don't worry. She probably got lost
looking for my room.
114
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:32,614
I doubt it, actually, Mike, because,
as a matter of interest, everybody,
115
00:09:32,775 --> 00:09:36,290
the girl in question...is with me!
116
00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:41,574
- Eh?
- Hello! Hello!
117
00:09:41,735 --> 00:09:44,454
Easter eggs all round!
118
00:09:47,815 --> 00:09:51,285
Hello, everybody!
I'm the Easter Bunny!
119
00:09:52,695 --> 00:09:56,813
- But it's June 12th.
- What?
120
00:09:56,975 --> 00:10:00,126
It's the middle of summer, Big Ears.
121
00:10:01,575 --> 00:10:05,170
Oh, God. I'm sorry.
122
00:10:10,015 --> 00:10:12,245
I'm really sorry.
123
00:10:14,175 --> 00:10:18,532
What? You mean, you,
like, scored with a chick?
124
00:10:19,855 --> 00:10:24,610
Well, I wouldn't put it
in such sexist terms, Neil, but yes.
125
00:10:25,335 --> 00:10:29,294
Wait. I get the girls around here.
There could be a copyright problem.
126
00:10:29,455 --> 00:10:34,927
But I don't understand. How?
Was she unconscious?
127
00:10:36,175 --> 00:10:39,611
What, Vyvyan? Do I detect
a little spark of jealousy?
128
00:10:39,775 --> 00:10:45,372
Ha! Jealous? I find the idea
of spending a night with you revolting!
129
00:10:45,535 --> 00:10:47,765
You know perfectly well what I mean.
130
00:10:47,935 --> 00:10:51,484
Just because I was
the raunchiest guy at the party.
131
00:10:51,655 --> 00:10:55,409
You passed out
after half a glass of cider.
132
00:10:55,575 --> 00:10:59,090
Did I? That was anarchic!
Well, it just goes to show,
133
00:10:59,255 --> 00:11:01,325
even unconscious, I pick up birds.
134
00:11:01,495 --> 00:11:03,884
I mean, forge meaningful
relationships with birds...
135
00:11:04,055 --> 00:11:05,807
uh, chicks...tarts...women.
136
00:11:05,975 --> 00:11:08,967
- Damn! Women!
- I must be hallucinating.
137
00:11:09,135 --> 00:11:13,606
- What's good for a hangover?
- Drinking heavily the night before.
138
00:11:13,775 --> 00:11:15,094
Thanks, Mike.
139
00:11:15,255 --> 00:11:18,452
Was it, like...
Was it the first time you've...?
140
00:11:18,615 --> 00:11:21,004
(LAUGHS)
141
00:11:21,175 --> 00:11:25,965
Listen to this! How could you think
such a thing? My first time!
142
00:11:27,575 --> 00:11:29,645
What was it like?
143
00:11:31,095 --> 00:11:33,973
Well, you know... It was sort of...
144
00:11:36,015 --> 00:11:37,971
You know.
145
00:11:38,135 --> 00:11:40,774
No, I don't.
146
00:11:40,935 --> 00:11:45,725
Well, it was sort of...sexy.
147
00:11:45,895 --> 00:11:50,525
Oh, God. I think I'm going
to be violently and copiously sick.
148
00:11:50,695 --> 00:11:54,165
Go into lengthy and vivid detail
about the whole thing.
149
00:11:54,335 --> 00:11:56,849
I'm going to bend over,
open my mouth,
150
00:11:57,015 --> 00:12:01,008
and when the muscles in my alimentary
canal go into spasm...
151
00:12:01,175 --> 00:12:06,295
Not you, Vyvyan! Rick.
I want to hear about it blow by blow!
152
00:12:06,455 --> 00:12:09,094
Eh? Oh! (SPLUTTERS)
153
00:12:09,255 --> 00:12:13,931
Well, what can I say?
Have you got a spare couple of days?
154
00:12:14,095 --> 00:12:15,813
Yeah.
155
00:12:17,135 --> 00:12:19,126
Well, what can I say? It was...
156
00:12:21,695 --> 00:12:25,244
It was amazing. Pretty amazing.
We did everything.
157
00:12:26,255 --> 00:12:27,927
Like what?
158
00:12:29,815 --> 00:12:32,249
Like everything.
159
00:12:33,895 --> 00:12:37,934
At one stage,
she even took her bra off.
160
00:12:39,255 --> 00:12:42,247
So, I took my dungarees off, and...
161
00:12:46,735 --> 00:12:49,852
- There's those girls!
- Hello.
162
00:12:50,015 --> 00:12:53,087
- Good morning.
- Hi. Want to play strip poker?
163
00:12:53,255 --> 00:12:56,725
Shut up, Mike. Hello.
I didn't hear you come in.
164
00:12:56,895 --> 00:12:58,851
Oh, I did.
165
00:13:00,295 --> 00:13:03,253
Uh... Come in. Uh... Sit down.
166
00:13:03,415 --> 00:13:06,088
Uh... Have some breakfast.
Let me introduce everybody.
167
00:13:06,255 --> 00:13:10,214
OK. Last one to find the animal
takes off their clothes.
168
00:13:10,375 --> 00:13:14,971
- I found it. Your turn.
- (LAUGHS) This is Michael.
169
00:13:15,135 --> 00:13:19,651
This is Neil. Go away.
That's Vyvyan...being sick.
170
00:13:20,935 --> 00:13:23,529
Guys, this is...
171
00:13:23,695 --> 00:13:25,970
(MUMBLES)
172
00:13:27,615 --> 00:13:30,004
Who are you?
173
00:13:30,175 --> 00:13:33,963
Oh, gosh! It's all so casual,
isn't it? It's Rick. Rick.
174
00:13:42,295 --> 00:13:45,128
Nice day for it, isn't it?
175
00:13:45,295 --> 00:13:48,412
Oh, no, I didn't mean for ''it''.
176
00:13:48,575 --> 00:13:51,533
I meant, a nice day for weather.
177
00:13:53,095 --> 00:13:55,848
Come along, Neil.
Get on with the breakfast.
178
00:13:56,015 --> 00:13:58,927
- We haven't got all day.
- We have.
179
00:13:59,095 --> 00:14:02,007
- What?
- It's Sunday. We have got all day.
180
00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:05,087
That's not what I'm trying to say.
181
00:14:05,255 --> 00:14:09,851
- What's the matter, Rick?
- Nothing. I'll just make breakfast.
182
00:14:12,975 --> 00:14:16,888
I know what you're thinking.
You'd think I meant centimetres.
183
00:14:17,055 --> 00:14:19,330
- I'm sorry?
- I bet you are.
184
00:14:19,495 --> 00:14:22,851
Still, there's always tonight.
What's your name?
185
00:14:23,015 --> 00:14:25,483
Promise you won't laugh? It's Helen.
186
00:14:25,655 --> 00:14:27,327
(LAUGHS)
187
00:14:29,855 --> 00:14:32,244
It's awful, isn't it?
188
00:14:32,415 --> 00:14:37,125
Sounds like someone who looks
as if they've been to hell and back.
189
00:14:41,055 --> 00:14:43,205
It's hideously embarrassing.
190
00:14:44,215 --> 00:14:47,093
Still,
at least my surname isn't Back.
191
00:14:48,695 --> 00:14:51,971
It'd be awful, wouldn't it?
Helen Back.
192
00:14:55,175 --> 00:14:58,406
My surname is Mucous.
193
00:15:06,335 --> 00:15:08,929
Get down and groove!
We dance all day in this house!
194
00:15:10,295 --> 00:15:12,445
(RELIGIOUS CHORAL MUSIC)
195
00:15:14,695 --> 00:15:16,686
- Vyv, you dancing?
- You asking?
196
00:15:16,855 --> 00:15:19,767
- I'm asking.
- Well, piss off!
197
00:15:20,455 --> 00:15:23,652
- I hope I'm not putting you all out.
- (ALL) No!
198
00:15:25,375 --> 00:15:29,414
I hope you don't mind,
but I needed somewhere to stay.
199
00:15:29,575 --> 00:15:33,284
When I saw you'd gone away,
I climbed through the window,
200
00:15:33,455 --> 00:15:35,491
found an empty bed,
and went to sleep.
201
00:15:37,215 --> 00:15:39,046
(ALL) Eh?
202
00:15:39,215 --> 00:15:42,844
No. No, no, no, darling. No.
203
00:15:43,015 --> 00:15:45,893
It wasn't an empty bed.
I was in there.
204
00:15:46,695 --> 00:15:50,483
Were you?
You weren't when I woke up.
205
00:15:50,655 --> 00:15:56,446
Rick, you bloody liar! You said you
done it... He said he done it to you!
206
00:15:56,615 --> 00:16:00,051
Look. There's obviously been some
ghastly misunderstanding...
207
00:16:00,215 --> 00:16:04,606
Ha-ha-ha! Rick is still a virgin!
208
00:16:04,775 --> 00:16:08,654
- I'm not! I am not a virgin!
- Virgin! Virgin!
209
00:16:11,175 --> 00:16:12,494
- Oh, God!
- Rick.
210
00:16:26,655 --> 00:16:29,886
That'll teach you to cast aspersions
on my sexuality, Vyvyan.
211
00:16:30,055 --> 00:16:33,092
Now, then. Who wants a boiled egg?
212
00:16:35,375 --> 00:16:39,004
- Virgin!
- I'll have a boiled egg, Rick!
213
00:16:39,175 --> 00:16:42,212
(RADIO ) We interrupt this programmefor an emergency newsflash.
214
00:16:42,375 --> 00:16:44,764
A dangerous and vicious murderesshas escaped
215
00:16:44,935 --> 00:16:47,403
from a maximum security jailand is on the loose.
216
00:16:49,975 --> 00:16:51,488
So, keep your doors
and windows locked!
217
00:16:51,655 --> 00:16:55,284
# Captain Blood RadioI #
218
00:16:56,295 --> 00:16:59,571
This is Captain Blood Radio,
broadcasting from 20 degrees south
219
00:16:59,735 --> 00:17:04,365
and 45 degrees west of Dead Man's
Island in the medium wave area.
220
00:17:04,535 --> 00:17:09,086
And the fishing is good tonight,
with the time coming up to...two inches.
221
00:17:09,255 --> 00:17:12,964
I'm Billy Blood. This is
the Dull Religious Music Programme.
222
00:17:14,255 --> 00:17:17,133
Phew! Yo-ho-ho, my arse!
223
00:17:17,295 --> 00:17:19,411
That it would come to this.
224
00:17:19,575 --> 00:17:20,894
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
225
00:17:21,055 --> 00:17:22,773
Enter!
226
00:17:23,775 --> 00:17:27,450
- Ah, Fletcher!
- No, sir. Smythe, the bo'sun.
227
00:17:27,615 --> 00:17:31,085
You're right. Can't see a thing
with this patch on.
228
00:17:31,255 --> 00:17:33,894
- Sir.
- You're a strapping young lad.
229
00:17:34,055 --> 00:17:37,365
- Sit on Uncle Billy's knee.
- Aye, sir.
230
00:17:37,535 --> 00:17:42,973
''Aye, sir''?! Was that some kind
of joke to my ocular capacity?!
231
00:17:43,135 --> 00:17:44,454
No, Captain...
232
00:17:44,615 --> 00:17:48,893
I'll show you what we do
with insubordination on my ship!
233
00:17:49,055 --> 00:17:50,773
- Bo'sun!
- Yes, sir!
234
00:17:50,935 --> 00:17:53,654
There you are.
Take him out and flog him.
235
00:17:53,815 --> 00:17:55,885
Very good, Captain.
236
00:17:58,455 --> 00:18:01,572
(BO'SUN) Ow! Ow! Thrash! Thrash!
Et cetera.
237
00:18:02,855 --> 00:18:05,528
- Well?
- I flogged him, sir.
238
00:18:05,695 --> 00:18:08,846
How much did you get? (LAUGHS)
239
00:18:09,015 --> 00:18:14,533
- He'll rue the day he came to sea.
- See? See what? Was he blind?
240
00:18:14,695 --> 00:18:17,163
No, Captain. I meant to say...
241
00:18:17,335 --> 00:18:20,691
- Shut up, you fat cyclops!
- Who was that?
242
00:18:20,855 --> 00:18:22,732
That was your parrot.
243
00:18:22,895 --> 00:18:25,455
I don't have a parrot!
I hate the creatures!
244
00:18:25,615 --> 00:18:29,654
Horrible, furry things, hopping around,
breeding, and eating carrots!
245
00:18:30,135 --> 00:18:33,571
Next, you'll tell me
I've got a talking dog!
246
00:18:34,495 --> 00:18:36,372
Slap my vitals! We scuppered!
247
00:18:36,535 --> 00:18:39,333
No, it's definitely knackered.
248
00:18:39,495 --> 00:18:41,929
I can hear something rattling inside.
249
00:18:42,095 --> 00:18:46,407
Sorry. I don't know how
I spilled tea on it from here.
250
00:18:46,575 --> 00:18:50,045
Yeah, it was weird.
You seemed to pick up the cup
251
00:18:50,215 --> 00:18:52,934
and violently throw it at the radio.
252
00:18:53,095 --> 00:18:57,771
- I must apologize.
- Oh, Neil does it all the time.
253
00:18:57,935 --> 00:19:00,085
- Throws cups?
- No, apologizes.
254
00:19:00,255 --> 00:19:02,723
Oh, hang on. I think I've fixed it.
255
00:19:02,895 --> 00:19:04,214
(MAN) Good afternoon.
256
00:19:04,375 --> 00:19:09,244
This is the objective and strictlyimpartial BBC World Service,
257
00:19:09,415 --> 00:19:12,725
operating on behalfof the Conservative party.
258
00:19:12,895 --> 00:19:14,772
And now a newsflash...
259
00:19:14,935 --> 00:19:16,527
Ooh!
260
00:19:19,015 --> 00:19:23,054
Oh, dear! Clumsy me.
I've done it again. What can I say?
261
00:19:23,215 --> 00:19:27,003
How about,
''Mike, put your hand up my skirt.''
262
00:19:32,255 --> 00:19:36,328
Excuse me. I do have a newsflash,if anybody is listening.
263
00:19:36,495 --> 00:19:39,293
Good idea.
Let's have breakfast in bed.
264
00:19:41,735 --> 00:19:44,329
- I am not a virgin!
- Virgin!
265
00:19:44,495 --> 00:19:47,168
Virgin! Virgin!
266
00:19:49,055 --> 00:19:51,091
Alternatively,
we can have bed and breakfast.
267
00:19:51,255 --> 00:19:55,726
I'm not a virgin! I am not a virgin!
All right. All right.
268
00:19:55,895 --> 00:19:59,774
How come I know
what a girl's bottom looks like?
269
00:19:59,935 --> 00:20:02,972
- From looking in the mirror.
- Damn!
270
00:20:04,495 --> 00:20:07,453
(RADIO ) Listen, you stupid bastard,I've been trying to tell you,
271
00:20:07,615 --> 00:20:12,006
that girl with her hands overMike's ears is a dangerous murdererI
272
00:20:12,175 --> 00:20:15,372
- That's it, baby. Treat me rough.
- No, a murdererI
273
00:20:16,175 --> 00:20:17,893
That's better, now...
274
00:20:18,055 --> 00:20:21,650
please... NoI No, you idiotII'm your last hopeI
275
00:20:21,815 --> 00:20:26,013
- Missed me, virgin!
- I'm not a virgin!
276
00:20:26,175 --> 00:20:29,690
Hey, I've just heard something
amazingly heavy on the radio!
277
00:20:29,855 --> 00:20:33,211
- I'm not a virgin!
- Virgin! Virgin!
278
00:20:33,375 --> 00:20:35,491
- I am not a...!
- (POP!)
279
00:20:36,615 --> 00:20:39,812
Oh, no. The light bulb's gone.
280
00:20:39,975 --> 00:20:43,251
Well, I'm not surprised,
considering you smell so much!
281
00:20:43,415 --> 00:20:46,327
Rick, I'm not suggesting
your jokes are predictable,
282
00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:49,885
but there are undiscovered tribes
in the Peruvian jungle
283
00:20:50,055 --> 00:20:51,852
who knew you were going to say that.
284
00:20:54,255 --> 00:20:58,567
The strange thing is, Rick was right!
That hippie really does pong!
285
00:20:58,735 --> 00:21:01,124
Here's a joke, Rick, right?
286
00:21:01,295 --> 00:21:05,607
How many people would it take
to change one light bulb?
287
00:21:05,775 --> 00:21:09,688
One. Me, because I'm the only person
who ever does anything.
288
00:21:09,855 --> 00:21:12,164
Oh, yes. What about Amazulu?
289
00:21:33,135 --> 00:21:35,729
It's our song, baby. Let's dance.
290
00:21:38,175 --> 00:21:40,086
# Got so much love
291
00:21:40,255 --> 00:21:41,893
# So much love
292
00:21:42,055 --> 00:21:43,807
# Got so much love
293
00:21:43,975 --> 00:21:46,045
# So much love
294
00:21:46,215 --> 00:21:49,969
# When we're togetherand the lights start to dimmer
295
00:21:50,135 --> 00:21:53,605
# Others move right out of view
296
00:21:53,775 --> 00:21:57,609
# Yes, your softand tender arms around me
297
00:21:57,775 --> 00:22:00,608
# Waste ain't cool,'cause we are no fools...
298
00:22:00,775 --> 00:22:03,733
Can you put me down now?
I'm getting vertigo.
299
00:22:03,895 --> 00:22:05,487
Sure, Neil.
300
00:22:06,495 --> 00:22:08,133
# So much love
301
00:22:08,295 --> 00:22:13,927
# Got so much love for you,and I know it's gonna last...
302
00:22:16,575 --> 00:22:20,090
Neil, are you going to
change this light bulb?
303
00:22:20,255 --> 00:22:22,974
Me and Mike are sick
of your laziness.
304
00:22:23,135 --> 00:22:26,411
- Yeah, and me.
- Yes, and...thing.
305
00:22:31,135 --> 00:22:35,014
# Order a drink,'cause the last one's about to finish
306
00:22:35,175 --> 00:22:38,770
# Moonlight romance,nights to remember
307
00:22:38,935 --> 00:22:42,245
# Take my arm as I call out a taxi...
308
00:22:42,975 --> 00:22:46,809
- Amazulu.
- Is that right? Ah'm a Glaswegian.
309
00:22:47,935 --> 00:22:49,368
# So much love
310
00:22:49,535 --> 00:22:51,491
# Got so much love
311
00:22:51,655 --> 00:22:53,008
# So much love
312
00:22:53,175 --> 00:22:55,166
# Got so much love
313
00:22:55,335 --> 00:22:56,734
# So much love
314
00:22:56,895 --> 00:22:58,772
# Got so much love
315
00:22:58,935 --> 00:23:00,448
# So much love
316
00:23:00,615 --> 00:23:06,531
# Got so much love for youand I know it's gonna last
317
00:23:08,135 --> 00:23:13,687
# Got so much love for youand I know it's gonna last
318
00:23:15,615 --> 00:23:20,052
# Got so much love for youand I know it's gonna last
319
00:23:21,575 --> 00:23:23,486
# BrrrrrrrrrrrI #
320
00:23:24,135 --> 00:23:28,731
Yes, very sweet, but can you go now?
We're changing the light bulb.
321
00:23:28,895 --> 00:23:30,374
Thank you. Thank you.
When you're ready.
322
00:23:33,095 --> 00:23:34,892
Right.
323
00:23:35,055 --> 00:23:38,650
Stop sniveling, Neil.
It's because of you the bulb went.
324
00:23:38,815 --> 00:23:41,852
Why can't we use the stepladder?
325
00:23:42,015 --> 00:23:45,405
Honestly, Neil.
Of all the stupid ideas.
326
00:23:45,575 --> 00:23:49,124
Don't worry, Neil. We've worked it out
to the minutest detail.
327
00:23:49,295 --> 00:23:52,287
Your angle of trajection,
your specific velocity...
328
00:23:52,455 --> 00:23:55,447
- Where to bury you.
- Where to bury you... No!
329
00:23:55,615 --> 00:24:00,245
Only joking! You saw the dummy run
with a sack of potatoes.
330
00:24:00,415 --> 00:24:03,487
That was a packet of Smash!
331
00:24:03,655 --> 00:24:07,364
Everyone knows they're better than
real potatoes. That's what I mean.
332
00:24:07,535 --> 00:24:11,767
And what's the problem, Neil?
The dummy run was a complete success.
333
00:24:11,935 --> 00:24:15,894
What do you mean? The packet
was smashed into 15 million pieces!
334
00:24:16,055 --> 00:24:20,128
And every one of those pieces
was smashed into 15 million pieces.
335
00:24:20,295 --> 00:24:23,128
And, although at that point
I stopped counting, I...
336
00:24:23,295 --> 00:24:29,211
Exactly. You are totally different
to Smash, so we should be all right.
337
00:24:29,375 --> 00:24:33,527
Please, can we get on?
It's only Neil, for Cliff's sake!
338
00:24:33,695 --> 00:24:35,208
Right. Don't worry, Neil.
339
00:24:35,375 --> 00:24:38,811
Remember, as you pass the fitting,
change the bulb.
340
00:24:38,975 --> 00:24:43,446
- Ready, guys? Five...
- (ALL) Four... Three... Two...
341
00:24:43,615 --> 00:24:45,492
(SQUELCHY FART)
342
00:24:45,655 --> 00:24:48,488
Don't worry, Neil.
That won't effect your weight.
343
00:24:48,655 --> 00:24:51,294
Ready, guys? One!
344
00:24:51,455 --> 00:24:53,411
Whoooooaa!
345
00:24:54,415 --> 00:24:56,406
Oh, wow!
346
00:24:56,575 --> 00:24:59,647
Oh, no, this carpet
really needs hoovering!
347
00:24:59,815 --> 00:25:02,283
(SUCKS)
348
00:25:02,455 --> 00:25:05,333
Strange. Every time I pull
at Neil's ankles,
349
00:25:05,495 --> 00:25:08,965
flakes of crusty skin
come off beneath my fingernails.
350
00:25:09,135 --> 00:25:13,572
That's his cornflakes. He keeps them
in his socks so I don't steal them.
351
00:25:13,735 --> 00:25:17,364
What a nerdy!
I initial mine with sticky labels.
352
00:25:17,535 --> 00:25:19,890
I just eat the labels as well.
353
00:25:20,695 --> 00:25:22,890
- Come on!
- (YELLS)
354
00:25:25,135 --> 00:25:28,172
The ceiling's fallen in,
but at least the bulb's OK.
355
00:25:28,335 --> 00:25:32,123
Yeah. Here it is, safe and sound.
356
00:25:40,615 --> 00:25:44,688
Where were we? Oh, yes... Virgin.
357
00:25:44,855 --> 00:25:47,085
Virgin! Virgin!
358
00:25:48,455 --> 00:25:53,404
Here we are, baby. Ready for fun,
ready for loving, and it's only one.
359
00:25:53,575 --> 00:25:57,568
- Gosh, is that the time?
- No, that's a wristwatch.
360
00:25:57,735 --> 00:25:59,646
- I must be going.
- Wait!
361
00:25:59,815 --> 00:26:04,969
- What's 2 foot long with a round end?
- I don't know.
362
00:26:05,135 --> 00:26:07,603
Nor me, but I keep finding it
in my cornflakes.
363
00:26:07,775 --> 00:26:10,369
- That'll be your...
- (WHINNIES)
364
00:26:12,735 --> 00:26:14,054
Now I'll never know.
365
00:26:15,215 --> 00:26:16,853
Mike! Mike!
366
00:26:17,015 --> 00:26:19,813
Rick's pretend girlfriend
has been crushed by...
367
00:26:19,975 --> 00:26:21,931
a sort of medieval knight.
368
00:26:22,095 --> 00:26:24,734
Fol-de-rol de-ray-doo-day!
369
00:26:24,895 --> 00:26:28,683
That's groovy,
but why the fancy dress? Who are you?
370
00:26:28,855 --> 00:26:32,643
- I am a knight of the Square Table.
- Square Table?
371
00:26:32,815 --> 00:26:36,774
Well, King Arthur doesn't think
I'm cool enough for the Round Table
372
00:26:36,935 --> 00:26:40,245
because my suits of armour
still have flares.
373
00:26:40,415 --> 00:26:43,248
Ah! You can't get squarer than that.
374
00:26:43,415 --> 00:26:45,087
No, shut up, Mike.
375
00:26:46,895 --> 00:26:52,447
- Nothing wrong with flares.
- And I'm not really into war. Look!
376
00:26:52,615 --> 00:26:57,530
Flowers on my lance.
And if I ever have to fight a dragon,
377
00:26:57,695 --> 00:27:00,971
I look at it
from the dragon's point of view.
378
00:27:01,135 --> 00:27:05,447
Oh, that's beautiful.
A hippie knight.
379
00:27:11,695 --> 00:27:13,526
Sorry, man. It's my job.
380
00:27:13,695 --> 00:27:17,005
- Where did you get that howitzer?
- Found it!
381
00:27:17,175 --> 00:27:19,131
Well, put it back, young man!
382
00:27:19,295 --> 00:27:22,731
I will, just as soon
as I've blown you to pieces.
383
00:27:25,695 --> 00:27:27,253
(MUSIC: ''GREENSLEEVES'')
384
00:27:28,735 --> 00:27:36,289
I bet...in one second...
both of my legs will fall off!
385
00:27:37,615 --> 00:27:40,732
All right. You're on.
386
00:27:42,375 --> 00:27:43,728
One!
387
00:27:46,335 --> 00:27:50,169
Damn! That's a pound of potatoes
I've already lost today.
388
00:27:58,095 --> 00:28:02,373
Hey, there's a 20th-century pad back
there. They're giving away damsels!
389
00:28:02,535 --> 00:28:04,491
Here, have one.
390
00:28:05,535 --> 00:28:08,368
Excuse me,
where's the rest of the street?
391
00:28:08,535 --> 00:28:09,854
(WHISTLING)
392
00:28:14,015 --> 00:28:18,566
No! Vyvyan! No! Please!
Look! You were right! I am a virgin!
393
00:28:18,735 --> 00:28:20,487
Not for long, matey.
394
00:28:23,295 --> 00:28:25,809
Look, sorry about your relatives.
395
00:28:27,615 --> 00:28:31,051
- He's a sorcerer!
- No, honestly, honestly,
396
00:28:31,215 --> 00:28:35,652
I just wondered where the bus stop's
gone and where that hut came from.
397
00:28:43,095 --> 00:28:46,212
There's 59 pence compensation
for disagreeing with you.
398
00:28:46,375 --> 00:28:47,694
Thank you.
399
00:28:47,855 --> 00:28:50,494
I'll get the T-shirt printed
in the morning.
400
00:28:50,655 --> 00:28:55,524
Guys, quick! Barricade the door!
Lock all the windows!
401
00:28:56,655 --> 00:28:58,373
Pretend to be invisible!
402
00:28:58,535 --> 00:29:01,971
I've just committed
a bit of a faux pas.
403
00:29:02,135 --> 00:29:06,845
- Neil, have you upset the neighbours?
- No, I've blown them up!
404
00:29:07,015 --> 00:29:09,529
Who said Sunday was a day of rest?
405
00:29:09,695 --> 00:29:12,846
- God.
- I knew it was someone Tory.
406
00:29:13,775 --> 00:29:16,494
I shouldn't have touched that magpie.
407
00:29:16,655 --> 00:29:19,647
You're so superstitious.
You'd think it was the Middle Ages.
408
00:29:19,815 --> 00:29:22,693
- I'm afraid we are.
- What?
409
00:29:23,775 --> 00:29:29,805
Oh, no! Mysteriously, the house has
gone through some sort of time warp.
410
00:29:29,975 --> 00:29:35,572
Oh, isn't is all simply enchanting?
It's like a drawing by Brueghel,
411
00:29:35,735 --> 00:29:39,171
with lots of working-class people
thrashing about with pitchforks.
412
00:29:39,335 --> 00:29:41,895
Yeah. They look angry, don't they?
413
00:29:42,055 --> 00:29:44,615
Just think.
No nuclear power, no pollution,
414
00:29:44,775 --> 00:29:47,414
no electric cables
ruining the landscape...
415
00:29:47,575 --> 00:29:49,372
(ALL) No telly!
416
00:29:49,535 --> 00:29:52,971
Oh, no!
I'll die if I miss Scooby Doo!
417
00:29:54,175 --> 00:29:57,724
Too bloody right, Neil!
Everybody panic!
418
00:30:03,015 --> 00:30:05,404
Neil, put your head in there.
419
00:30:05,575 --> 00:30:07,611
Right. On the chair.
420
00:30:09,855 --> 00:30:13,245
When you said panic,
I didn't think you meant hang me.
421
00:30:13,415 --> 00:30:15,212
- Rick, test the telly.
- Right.
422
00:30:16,255 --> 00:30:19,964
..hotting up in the battle betweenTVstations for higher ratings...
423
00:30:20,135 --> 00:30:22,729
You're very lucky, Neil.
424
00:30:22,895 --> 00:30:27,889
..then the BBC came back
with ''Strip Sex Snooker Darts On Ice''
425
00:30:28,055 --> 00:30:30,523
with Torvill and Dean.
426
00:30:30,695 --> 00:30:32,686
Of course, ITV immediately came back
427
00:30:32,855 --> 00:30:36,484
with ''Roland Rat's
TV-AM Public Executions''.
428
00:30:36,655 --> 00:30:39,123
(AS ROLAND RAT)
Cut his head off! Yeah!
429
00:30:39,295 --> 00:30:41,286
But now, we have...
430
00:30:41,455 --> 00:30:46,290
Jester Balowski's
Medieval Torture Hour!
431
00:30:46,455 --> 00:30:47,808
(APPLAUSE)
432
00:30:47,975 --> 00:30:53,447
Yeah! Medieval torture. And our first
torture victim is...? Gwendoline?
433
00:30:53,615 --> 00:30:59,611
And our first victim tonight
is Spasspecker the Dull!
434
00:30:59,775 --> 00:31:03,324
(JESTER) Spasspecker the Dull!
Come on down!
435
00:31:04,655 --> 00:31:09,126
Spasspecker, come here!
Come here, Spasspecker the Dull.
436
00:31:09,295 --> 00:31:12,412
Whoo-hoo!
First in for medieval torture.
437
00:31:12,575 --> 00:31:17,171
- Now, are you nervous, Spasspecker?
- A little, Jester, yes.
438
00:31:18,335 --> 00:31:22,089
And apparently, you're married
with one lovely daughter.
439
00:31:22,255 --> 00:31:25,691
- That's right, Jester. Gwynyth.
- Gwynyth. That's right.
440
00:31:25,855 --> 00:31:29,404
But unfortunately, she can't be
with us tonight, can she? No.
441
00:31:29,575 --> 00:31:32,647
Because she's not lovely
at the moment, is she? No.
442
00:31:32,815 --> 00:31:35,773
Because she's got the plague,
hasn't she?
443
00:31:35,935 --> 00:31:39,723
And her face
is one enormous bag of pus!
444
00:31:39,895 --> 00:31:41,487
That's right, Jester.
445
00:31:41,655 --> 00:31:45,045
In fact,
there's a funny story about that.
446
00:31:45,215 --> 00:31:49,128
She wanted to come tonight,
but her arms fell off.
447
00:31:50,695 --> 00:31:55,974
Now, pay attention, because
we'll be back after this break.
448
00:31:56,135 --> 00:31:58,012
(CRUNCH)
449
00:31:59,015 --> 00:32:03,884
Now, how would you like
to be tortured, Spasspecker?
450
00:32:04,055 --> 00:32:07,525
Would you like some live scampi
in your britches?
451
00:32:07,695 --> 00:32:10,732
Would you like your eyes
sucked out by a goat,
452
00:32:10,895 --> 00:32:13,455
then replaced
with some hot toffee apples?
453
00:32:13,615 --> 00:32:16,288
(ALL SHOUT)
454
00:32:17,295 --> 00:32:20,014
Well, it's completely bloody
irrelevant anyway.
455
00:32:20,175 --> 00:32:23,406
Tell us, Spasspecker,
what actually was your crime?
456
00:32:23,575 --> 00:32:26,214
Um... Whistling on a Tuesday, Jester.
457
00:32:26,375 --> 00:32:28,650
- (AUDIENCE) Ooh!
- You bastard!
458
00:32:28,815 --> 00:32:33,172
We've got for you, later on,
pro-celebrity torture,
459
00:32:33,335 --> 00:32:35,565
in which Toby Gruntsplatter,
460
00:32:35,735 --> 00:32:38,886
pain-giver to the court of King
Edward the Optical Illusion...
461
00:32:39,055 --> 00:32:40,613
(APPLAUSE)
462
00:32:40,775 --> 00:32:45,326
will be torturing Dennis Waterman's
Show Business Eleven!
463
00:32:45,495 --> 00:32:46,814
(APPLAUSE)
464
00:32:46,975 --> 00:32:51,093
- Including Sir Geoffrey Chaucer...
- (APPLAUSE)
465
00:32:51,255 --> 00:32:54,167
- Sir Boring Old Fart...
- (APPLAUSE)
466
00:32:54,335 --> 00:32:57,691
and Helen,the completely mad murderess.
467
00:33:01,735 --> 00:33:04,886
Oh, no! The house has been
surrounded by angry peasants!
468
00:33:05,055 --> 00:33:06,647
They're going to burn us as witches!
469
00:33:06,815 --> 00:33:09,534
We're completely trapped.
The outlook is bleak!
470
00:33:09,695 --> 00:33:12,528
What are we going to do?
471
00:33:12,695 --> 00:33:15,289
- Oh, who cares?
- Yeah.
36330
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.