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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,575 --> 00:00:03,167 (THUNDER) 2 00:00:04,815 --> 00:00:08,251 Checkmate...and why not? 3 00:00:11,615 --> 00:00:13,845 Checkmate?! 4 00:00:14,015 --> 00:00:16,210 Hmph! 5 00:00:16,375 --> 00:00:18,650 Bollocks to this! 6 00:00:25,175 --> 00:00:27,564 (DRAMATIC MUSIC) 7 00:01:21,775 --> 00:01:25,973 (VYVYAN) Why do we have to dig the grave, carry the coffin, 8 00:01:26,135 --> 00:01:27,966 and...everything else? 9 00:01:28,135 --> 00:01:31,684 (NEIL) Well, we are responsible for him being in this position. 10 00:01:31,855 --> 00:01:33,174 (VYVYAN) Liberal! 11 00:01:33,335 --> 00:01:36,133 (RICK) You should have heard me earlier. 12 00:01:36,295 --> 00:01:41,449 I made these fabulous jokes about the undertaker measuring my stiffie! 13 00:01:44,055 --> 00:01:46,967 I thought we should have some floral tribute, 14 00:01:47,135 --> 00:01:51,526 but all I found was this carrot, so I borrowed Rick's Biro... 15 00:01:51,695 --> 00:01:54,926 You rented it, and you still haven't paid! 16 00:01:55,095 --> 00:01:58,531 ..and I wrote, ''Sorry about everything being a bummer, 17 00:01:58,695 --> 00:02:02,813 ''what, with you dying and everything. Still, things could be worse. 18 00:02:02,975 --> 00:02:07,685 ''You could've been me and had a bad time all the time.'' 19 00:02:07,855 --> 00:02:09,368 That's very touching, Neil. 20 00:02:09,535 --> 00:02:13,687 When my hamster finds out you've nicked his carrot, he'll kill you. 21 00:02:13,855 --> 00:02:17,131 Was it SPG's? I didn't know he ate carrots. 22 00:02:17,295 --> 00:02:19,172 He doesn't eat carrots, Neil. 23 00:02:19,335 --> 00:02:22,884 He sticks them down his underpants to impress the girls. 24 00:02:25,095 --> 00:02:28,167 (VYVYAN) Wait a minute! We've missed the grave. 25 00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:44,487 Neil. Neil. Move the spade. 26 00:02:47,775 --> 00:02:51,814 - Do you dig graves? - Yeah, they're all right. Yeah. 27 00:02:51,975 --> 00:02:55,570 I'm so glad. I think they're wonderful! 28 00:02:58,535 --> 00:03:00,810 (SLURS) Hello. I... I'm the vicar. 29 00:03:00,975 --> 00:03:05,332 You'd better be, or you'd look a right girlie in that dress. 30 00:03:07,335 --> 00:03:10,213 Right. Anyone tell the stiffie joke? 31 00:03:10,375 --> 00:03:11,933 Yes. Rick has. 32 00:03:12,095 --> 00:03:16,293 Well, forget about that. Come on, let's get it over with. 33 00:03:16,455 --> 00:03:18,446 Oh, bloody hell... 34 00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:20,526 Crikey, it's a bit early for that, isn't it? 35 00:03:22,815 --> 00:03:24,373 My God, you're right! 36 00:03:26,135 --> 00:03:29,605 Better get some of this down me before I have any of that. 37 00:03:33,215 --> 00:03:37,003 Right, now, um... Where are we? Ashes to ashes.... 38 00:03:37,175 --> 00:03:38,494 (SINGS) Funk to funky 39 00:03:38,655 --> 00:03:41,408 We know Major Tom's a junkie... 40 00:03:41,575 --> 00:03:42,894 Shut up! 41 00:03:45,615 --> 00:03:47,651 (RICK) Help! I've fallen into a grave! 42 00:03:47,815 --> 00:03:50,010 Brilliant! Let's fill it in! 43 00:03:50,175 --> 00:03:53,531 No! No! We can't bury Rick alive! 44 00:03:53,695 --> 00:03:57,529 That's absolutely correct, Neil. We'd better kill him first! 45 00:03:57,695 --> 00:04:01,688 - Hold it! - Stop. Who dug this grave? 46 00:04:01,855 --> 00:04:05,894 - Where'd you get this gear? - We dig the graves here. 47 00:04:06,055 --> 00:04:09,968 If any graves are dug on these premises, they get dug... 48 00:04:10,135 --> 00:04:14,492 What's this camera? Is this ''Game For A Laugh?'' 49 00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:16,771 Have you killed someone as a prank? 50 00:04:16,935 --> 00:04:21,008 (RICK) No, now bugger off! This is a serious funeral! 51 00:04:21,175 --> 00:04:24,053 Anyone told the stiffie joke yet? 52 00:04:24,215 --> 00:04:27,127 - (ALL) Yes! - So, go away! 53 00:04:27,295 --> 00:04:30,093 No, come on. Tell us what's going on. 54 00:04:30,255 --> 00:04:33,327 Well, it's a long story... 55 00:04:39,375 --> 00:04:43,493 Neil! The bathroom's free! Unlike the country under the Thatcherite junta! 56 00:04:45,375 --> 00:04:48,412 - What are you doing, Neil? - Queuing. 57 00:04:48,575 --> 00:04:51,328 - How long have you been there? - 30 years. 58 00:04:52,215 --> 00:04:54,285 You've been listening, haven't you, Neil? 59 00:04:54,455 --> 00:04:57,970 Listening to what I've been doing in the bath! 60 00:04:58,135 --> 00:05:01,172 Is that how you get your kicks, you pervy? 61 00:05:01,335 --> 00:05:03,803 I wasn't listening. Anyway, what were you doing? 62 00:05:03,975 --> 00:05:06,205 - Nothing. - Well, then. 63 00:05:06,375 --> 00:05:10,653 Anyway, Neil, we all know what you get up to in there, 64 00:05:10,815 --> 00:05:13,283 so don't go spilling the beans. 65 00:05:13,455 --> 00:05:16,606 - What do you know about the beans? - Everything. 66 00:05:20,415 --> 00:05:22,929 - What beans? - Oh. Nothing. 67 00:05:23,095 --> 00:05:25,893 Ha-ha-ha. No beans! No... 68 00:05:29,055 --> 00:05:30,852 Listen, I can't stand here 69 00:05:31,015 --> 00:05:33,768 being subjected to your revolting innuendoes! 70 00:05:33,935 --> 00:05:36,165 - Do you want this bathwater? - Uh... 71 00:05:36,335 --> 00:05:39,168 You've no choice. There's no more hot water. 72 00:05:39,335 --> 00:05:41,610 Well, it's a bit cloudy, Rick. 73 00:05:44,535 --> 00:05:49,370 Well, Vyvyan had the bath before me, and Mike had it before him, 74 00:05:49,535 --> 00:05:53,369 and it's left over from the bath you had last Tuesday. 75 00:05:53,535 --> 00:05:56,572 So stop being picky. That's your filth! 76 00:05:57,415 --> 00:05:59,690 I hate bath night. 77 00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:02,453 Oh, well. Here goes. 78 00:06:02,615 --> 00:06:04,287 (SQUELCH) 79 00:06:06,255 --> 00:06:10,612 - It's a bit cold. - Come off it. Where's your spunk? 80 00:06:13,815 --> 00:06:17,808 Right. That's it. ''Your video is now ready for use. 81 00:06:17,975 --> 00:06:20,011 ''Insert cassette... 82 00:06:21,055 --> 00:06:25,651 ''Rewind to beginning of tape, and press Play. 83 00:06:25,815 --> 00:06:27,726 - ''Happy viewing!'' - Ha-ha! 84 00:06:27,895 --> 00:06:33,094 They wouldn't say that if they knew what video we've got! Right. 85 00:06:39,415 --> 00:06:42,612 I don't call this a new era in televisual entertainment. 86 00:06:42,775 --> 00:06:45,687 I call it very, very dull. 87 00:06:45,855 --> 00:06:48,050 You must have gone wrong. 88 00:06:48,215 --> 00:06:50,445 Maybe you shouldn't have poured washing-up liquid into it. 89 00:06:50,615 --> 00:06:56,565 It says here, ''Ensure machine is clean and free from dust.'' 90 00:06:57,615 --> 00:07:00,732 It don't say, ''Ensure the machine is full of washing-up liquid.'' 91 00:07:00,895 --> 00:07:05,013 It doesn't say, ''Ensure the machine ISN'T full of washing-up liquid.'' 92 00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:09,453 Well, it wouldn't. It doesn't say, ''Don't chop up your video 93 00:07:09,615 --> 00:07:12,049 ''and bung it down the lavatory.'' 94 00:07:12,215 --> 00:07:14,649 Doesn't it? Maybe that's what's going wrong! 95 00:07:14,815 --> 00:07:20,014 Vyv! Put it down! That's worth £500. I'm minding it for Harry the Bastard. 96 00:07:20,175 --> 00:07:22,131 Who's he? A gangster? 97 00:07:22,295 --> 00:07:25,173 No, he's the bloke that works at Rumbelows. 98 00:07:28,175 --> 00:07:31,929 Neil, is it really necessary to have the light on? 99 00:07:33,095 --> 00:07:34,414 Well...yeah. 100 00:07:34,575 --> 00:07:37,373 Why? Are you planning to photosynthesize? 101 00:07:39,775 --> 00:07:42,847 We all pay for the electricity, you know? 102 00:07:43,895 --> 00:07:46,455 Vyvyan! I know you're in my bedroom 103 00:07:46,615 --> 00:07:50,005 preparing one of your desperately adult practical jokes, 104 00:07:50,175 --> 00:07:53,451 so anything ghastly that happens to me isn't funny, 105 00:07:53,615 --> 00:07:57,130 because I know it's going to happen, so the joke's on you. 106 00:08:00,575 --> 00:08:03,009 Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! 107 00:08:05,895 --> 00:08:07,533 Vyvyan? 108 00:08:17,775 --> 00:08:20,812 Strange. Maybe he's ill. 109 00:08:55,255 --> 00:08:56,847 What's that? 110 00:08:59,815 --> 00:09:04,013 Oh, wow! It's my bike! I was wondering where that was! 111 00:09:05,615 --> 00:09:10,086 Ha! Try getting out of that, so-called Vyvyan! 112 00:09:10,255 --> 00:09:14,726 - What's that thumping? - Probably Rick doing some reading. 113 00:09:14,895 --> 00:09:19,411 - Maybe oil will help. - The video or Rick's bedspread? 114 00:09:19,575 --> 00:09:23,124 - Oh! Have we got a video? - Yes, we've got a video! 115 00:09:36,815 --> 00:09:38,453 Hello, Rick! 116 00:09:39,975 --> 00:09:45,686 Mike, listen... I've just boarded up Vyvyan in his bedroom. (SNORTS) 117 00:09:45,855 --> 00:09:49,450 He'll get a shock when he gets up for his tutorial. 118 00:09:49,615 --> 00:09:51,412 Well, I think that should do it. 119 00:09:52,855 --> 00:09:57,531 Vyvyan! You utter bastard! Why aren't you in your bed? 120 00:09:57,695 --> 00:10:03,452 - I'm not going to bed tonight. - What do you mean? How dare you? 121 00:10:03,615 --> 00:10:07,847 I board up your bedroom, and you haven't the decency to be there! 122 00:10:08,015 --> 00:10:10,654 Don't worry. It wouldn't have worked, anyway. 123 00:10:10,815 --> 00:10:14,524 - And why not, pray? - I swapped rooms with Neil. 124 00:10:14,695 --> 00:10:19,007 - What? - I had to. I was sick over my bed. 125 00:10:20,135 --> 00:10:22,854 Listen, young man. You go up to Neil's room, 126 00:10:23,015 --> 00:10:28,043 pull the planks off the door, go into your room, and nail yourself in! 127 00:10:28,215 --> 00:10:32,208 - Why aren't you going to bed? - Michael and I are indulging 128 00:10:32,375 --> 00:10:36,573 in an all-night orgy of sex and violence! 129 00:10:36,735 --> 00:10:38,293 - In the drawing room? - Yeah. 130 00:10:38,455 --> 00:10:42,164 First, it's ''Sex With The Headless Corpse And The Virgin Astronaut''. 131 00:10:44,135 --> 00:10:47,605 Urgh! Won't the carpet get awfully sticky? 132 00:10:47,775 --> 00:10:50,448 It's a video nasty! 133 00:10:50,615 --> 00:10:53,004 It's a carpet, farty! 134 00:10:54,255 --> 00:10:56,530 We can't get the bastard to work. 135 00:10:56,695 --> 00:10:59,493 - I'm not surprised if he's dead. - The video. 136 00:10:59,655 --> 00:11:01,805 Oh! Have we got a video? 137 00:11:01,975 --> 00:11:05,251 Yes, we've got a video! 138 00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:08,407 Where did you get it from? 139 00:11:08,575 --> 00:11:10,884 Look, I know this guy... 140 00:11:11,055 --> 00:11:12,727 (HOWLING) 141 00:11:12,895 --> 00:11:15,284 - You borrowed it? - More or less. 142 00:11:15,455 --> 00:11:18,925 At the rental shop, you can get one on trial. 143 00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:22,167 Yeah, so I slid down and had a word... 144 00:11:22,335 --> 00:11:24,974 Slid back, got his birth certificate... 145 00:11:25,135 --> 00:11:27,888 Forged my signature, and Bob's your auntie's lover. 146 00:11:28,055 --> 00:11:32,446 - Except that they've given us a dud! - Give me this! 147 00:11:32,615 --> 00:11:35,493 Vyvyan, this is for a toaster! 148 00:11:35,655 --> 00:11:37,850 (HOWLING) 149 00:11:38,855 --> 00:11:40,846 (GASPING) 150 00:11:48,175 --> 00:11:50,086 (SCREAMS IN AGONY) 151 00:11:51,815 --> 00:11:53,453 Shut the door, will you? 152 00:11:53,615 --> 00:11:56,971 Some people always have to make a dramatic entrance, don't they? 153 00:11:58,775 --> 00:12:02,814 - What's the matter this time? - I think he's been shot. 154 00:12:03,935 --> 00:12:07,245 - You know what that means? - You're stacked? 155 00:12:07,415 --> 00:12:10,487 No. I'm going to have to shut the door myself. 156 00:12:17,415 --> 00:12:20,293 He's bleeding. I've just washed this floor! 157 00:12:20,455 --> 00:12:22,173 - Let go. - What's the matter? 158 00:12:22,335 --> 00:12:26,408 - He's muttering. - Maybe he's apologising. 159 00:12:26,575 --> 00:12:28,645 You've gotta go to Geneva tonight! 160 00:12:28,815 --> 00:12:34,048 347 Rue de la Carrier. Ask...for...Alec...Guinness! 161 00:12:34,215 --> 00:12:37,127 - Hold on. Give us some paper. - Use that! 162 00:12:37,295 --> 00:12:41,254 - You had the ace the whole time? - Not that one... 163 00:12:41,415 --> 00:12:44,327 - Hurry! - I'm not made of paper! 164 00:12:44,495 --> 00:12:48,693 - I'm not a cheque! - (LAUGHS) That's very good. 165 00:12:48,855 --> 00:12:52,609 - I saw a comedian do it. - What's he called? 166 00:12:52,775 --> 00:12:54,493 - Hurry! - Harry! That's it! 167 00:12:54,655 --> 00:12:57,089 - Harry Secombe! - Too short. 168 00:12:57,255 --> 00:13:01,646 - Get the paper! - It won't be in the paper. 169 00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:04,283 - It was on last week! - Go to Geneva! 170 00:13:04,455 --> 00:13:08,368 Western civilisation depends upon it! 171 00:13:10,815 --> 00:13:14,603 I know that, but I've got a good hand here. 172 00:13:14,775 --> 00:13:17,926 Anyway, how will I get to the airport? Who'll pay for the ticket? 173 00:13:19,055 --> 00:13:22,445 Give me that paper. What's the message? 174 00:13:22,615 --> 00:13:24,207 - What's the message? - He's dead. 175 00:13:24,375 --> 00:13:27,048 - How do you spell it? - He's dead. 176 00:13:30,815 --> 00:13:34,524 Look, Steve, I'm going to contact England. 177 00:13:34,695 --> 00:13:37,493 They're going to have solve this question once and for all. 178 00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:43,413 Haven't you done it? 179 00:13:43,575 --> 00:13:46,453 - Give us a chance. - We've made some toast. 180 00:13:47,615 --> 00:13:50,368 (PHONE RINGS) 181 00:13:50,535 --> 00:13:54,130 Lordy, lordy! Who can be phoning at this hour? 182 00:13:54,295 --> 00:13:56,206 Well, maybe someone's just died. 183 00:13:56,375 --> 00:13:59,731 You mean one of our relatives? Yes, perhaps so. 184 00:14:01,255 --> 00:14:03,644 Neil! Telephone! 185 00:14:04,735 --> 00:14:08,614 What? Oh, wow. I must have dozed off. 186 00:14:09,815 --> 00:14:12,045 It's really dark in here. 187 00:14:13,455 --> 00:14:15,366 Where's the light switch? 188 00:14:15,535 --> 00:14:17,730 Aaaah! 189 00:14:17,895 --> 00:14:21,444 - Press the button! - I am pressing the button! 190 00:14:21,615 --> 00:14:24,971 You're doing it wrong! You're supposed to use your hand! 191 00:14:25,135 --> 00:14:27,012 What? Like this? 192 00:14:37,695 --> 00:14:39,447 Hello? 193 00:14:39,615 --> 00:14:42,175 What? You'll have to speak up. 194 00:14:42,335 --> 00:14:44,485 I don't know. I'll ask. 195 00:14:44,655 --> 00:14:49,206 Hey, guys! Do you know the name of a short comedian? Harry something? 196 00:14:49,375 --> 00:14:52,526 - (All) Yes. - Yes, we do. 197 00:14:55,375 --> 00:14:57,366 Neil, you're filthy. Have a bath. 198 00:14:58,215 --> 00:15:03,414 I've just had one. It's amazing how dirty you get answering the phone. 199 00:15:03,575 --> 00:15:07,773 Hey, everybody, listen. It was probably a dirty phone call! 200 00:15:08,455 --> 00:15:10,730 Rick, shut up or I'll kill you! 201 00:15:10,895 --> 00:15:14,331 Oh, touché, Vyvyan. What devastating repartee. 202 00:15:14,495 --> 00:15:17,407 - Talk about Oscar Wilde. - All right. 203 00:15:17,575 --> 00:15:21,648 Oscar Wilde was a British writer, persecuted for his homosexuality... 204 00:15:22,295 --> 00:15:26,004 Shut up, Neil! Shut up! 205 00:15:26,175 --> 00:15:31,295 - Oh, yeah. Be like that, Rick! - Be like what exactly, Neil? 206 00:15:31,455 --> 00:15:34,765 Be a complete and utter drag, and bring everything down. 207 00:15:34,935 --> 00:15:38,245 What? You mean like your trousers? 208 00:15:38,415 --> 00:15:41,851 Don't you dare say that! Flares are coming back in! 209 00:15:42,015 --> 00:15:46,293 - I read it in my horoscope. - How dare he say that? 210 00:15:46,455 --> 00:15:49,527 - Smash his face in! - I'm not into violence, 211 00:15:49,695 --> 00:15:54,564 - but I'm gonna smash your face in! - God! No! 212 00:15:54,735 --> 00:15:56,248 Neil! How are you keeping that flowerpot up? 213 00:16:01,095 --> 00:16:04,007 - Why won't this sodding video work? - Vyvyan! 214 00:16:04,175 --> 00:16:07,008 Hey! I've just had a revolutionary idea! 215 00:16:07,175 --> 00:16:10,053 Let's raise a people's army and seize power! 216 00:16:14,935 --> 00:16:18,166 Oh, no! The front door's exploded. 217 00:16:20,015 --> 00:16:21,892 - Vyvyan! - Vyvyan! 218 00:16:22,695 --> 00:16:24,925 Vyvyan, Vyvyan, Vyvyan! 219 00:16:25,095 --> 00:16:30,613 Honestly! Whenever anything explodes in this house, it's always ''Blame Vyvyan''! 220 00:16:30,775 --> 00:16:33,972 - Well, who should we blame? - Thatcher! 221 00:16:34,135 --> 00:16:36,444 No. Blame whoever rang the doorbell. 222 00:16:36,615 --> 00:16:39,368 They obviously triggered the bomb I set up. 223 00:16:41,335 --> 00:16:42,654 What bomb? 224 00:16:42,815 --> 00:16:48,014 I was worried that we wouldn't hear the doorbell, so I pepped it up. 225 00:16:48,175 --> 00:16:50,530 Well, I call it totally irresponsible! 226 00:16:50,695 --> 00:16:54,370 Fancy ringing the doorbell at this time of night! 227 00:16:54,535 --> 00:16:59,006 Hey, I bet they'll be shocked to find us still up. 228 00:17:00,655 --> 00:17:03,374 Cough! Cough! Splutter! 229 00:17:03,535 --> 00:17:06,891 Cor, an exploding front door! 230 00:17:07,055 --> 00:17:12,527 Stone the crows! The missus will never believe this 'un. 231 00:17:14,535 --> 00:17:18,369 - What do you want? - I have a parcel 232 00:17:18,535 --> 00:17:23,928 for a Mr J. Balowski, special delivery. 233 00:17:24,095 --> 00:17:30,284 - Piss off, postie! - Sign here! Much obliged, I'm sure! 234 00:17:30,455 --> 00:17:32,286 And now... 235 00:17:32,455 --> 00:17:37,051 Here is...your...package! 236 00:17:46,335 --> 00:17:48,565 (TRICKLE OF APPLAUSE) 237 00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,088 Thank you. 238 00:17:50,255 --> 00:17:51,608 (CHEERING) 239 00:17:51,775 --> 00:17:54,573 (RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES) 240 00:18:07,215 --> 00:18:11,254 (pOSTMAN) How was that, paul? Was I all right? 241 00:18:11,415 --> 00:18:14,532 A package from the Transvaal! How strange... 242 00:18:14,695 --> 00:18:19,371 (pOSTMAN) One should do comedy straight or it just isn't funny. 243 00:18:19,535 --> 00:18:24,051 (SHOUTS) A package from the Transvaal! I wonder what it can be? 244 00:18:24,215 --> 00:18:28,447 It's probably a consignment of very hard drugs. 245 00:18:28,615 --> 00:18:30,651 Why does it say fragile, then? 246 00:18:30,815 --> 00:18:35,764 Ah. Er, that's probably Transvaalian for ''very hard drugs''. 247 00:18:35,935 --> 00:18:40,008 (pOSTMAN) When I was in the Rep, Larry said to me, 248 00:18:40,175 --> 00:18:43,724 ''Excuse me, do you have change for the phone?'' 249 00:18:43,895 --> 00:18:48,013 ''Darling, '' I said, 'you don't need to change for the phoneI'' 250 00:18:48,175 --> 00:18:51,167 (SCREAMS) Will you shut up, please? 251 00:18:51,335 --> 00:18:56,125 Little squirt. He does one advert and he thinks he's Dustin Hoffman. 252 00:18:56,295 --> 00:18:58,172 Where was I? 253 00:18:58,335 --> 00:19:00,246 - By the door. - No, before that. 254 00:19:02,815 --> 00:19:04,851 I've got to stop sniffing this Ajax! 255 00:19:08,015 --> 00:19:12,327 All right, everybody in the house, listen to me! 256 00:19:12,495 --> 00:19:14,531 We're talking about the video. 257 00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:18,927 Yeah, shut up, Neil. We've got videos to talk about, haven't we? 258 00:19:19,095 --> 00:19:22,690 Everybody listen, because I've got something to tell you all, 259 00:19:22,855 --> 00:19:25,653 which I think you'll find really interesting. 260 00:19:25,815 --> 00:19:28,454 Neil, why are you wearing that dress? 261 00:19:28,615 --> 00:19:32,244 - That's what I'm talking about. - We don't want to know. 262 00:19:32,415 --> 00:19:35,327 Yes. Who wants to hear about a dress? 263 00:19:35,495 --> 00:19:39,010 - Well, I do. - I'm wearing this dress, right, 264 00:19:39,175 --> 00:19:45,125 because some negative vibe merchant has boarded up my bedroom. So... 265 00:19:45,295 --> 00:19:48,332 Well, that's sorted out. Back to the video. 266 00:19:48,495 --> 00:19:50,645 So I couldn't get any clothes, 267 00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:53,693 which I needed, because I was, like, nude, 268 00:19:53,855 --> 00:19:56,528 so I went into Rick's bedroom, right, 269 00:19:56,695 --> 00:20:02,372 and all I could find clothes-wise, right, was this dress. 270 00:20:04,215 --> 00:20:06,285 Ah. Um... 271 00:20:06,455 --> 00:20:08,844 Ha-ha-ha... (SNORTS) 272 00:20:10,895 --> 00:20:13,125 Oh! Oh! Oh! 273 00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:16,367 So you've taken to snooping around people's bedrooms, Neil? 274 00:20:16,535 --> 00:20:19,447 Grubbing about and planting evidence of transvestisism 275 00:20:19,615 --> 00:20:23,324 to topple me from my position of most popular flatmate! 276 00:20:23,495 --> 00:20:26,692 Well, I've never seen that dress before. 277 00:20:26,855 --> 00:20:29,574 - It's got your name on it. - Yeah! 278 00:20:30,175 --> 00:20:34,248 Oh, God! Look, it's not mine! What would I want with a dress? 279 00:20:34,415 --> 00:20:37,487 It's not... I've got money. Here... 280 00:20:37,655 --> 00:20:40,294 - Let's tell the pigs. - Yeah! 281 00:20:40,455 --> 00:20:42,923 I don't like being negative, but no. 282 00:20:43,095 --> 00:20:45,768 If the police come, they'll grab our nasties. 283 00:20:45,935 --> 00:20:47,254 What?! 284 00:20:47,415 --> 00:20:50,452 - The videos. - Have we got a video? 285 00:20:50,615 --> 00:20:55,086 If anyone else asks that, I'll stick their head through the window. 286 00:20:55,575 --> 00:20:58,294 Vyv, have we got a video? 287 00:20:58,455 --> 00:21:01,527 Right. Come this way, Neil. 288 00:21:07,935 --> 00:21:10,005 Sideways on. 289 00:21:10,175 --> 00:21:11,654 Thank you. 290 00:21:16,615 --> 00:21:21,643 I still don't understand. Does that mean we've got one or not? 291 00:21:21,815 --> 00:21:23,134 Oh, God! 292 00:21:23,295 --> 00:21:25,490 I'm finding everything really confusing today... 293 00:21:25,655 --> 00:21:28,089 (SEA SHANTY MUSIC) 294 00:21:33,135 --> 00:21:36,571 Transported for life to the colonies, and for what? 295 00:21:36,735 --> 00:21:42,367 Scum I was to them. 'Tis for my accent that I am condemned. 296 00:21:42,535 --> 00:21:48,053 'Tis for the want of better graces that I am to board this prison hulk. 297 00:21:48,215 --> 00:21:50,888 And all those murders you done. 298 00:21:51,055 --> 00:21:55,651 - Aged and toothless old crone... - How'd you know my name? 299 00:21:55,815 --> 00:21:59,285 We wish to engage you as ship's cook and concubine. 300 00:21:59,455 --> 00:22:02,367 Oh, yeah? What's a concubine, then? 301 00:22:02,535 --> 00:22:07,563 - It's a small, spiky mammal. - No, that's a hedgehog. 302 00:22:07,735 --> 00:22:11,569 Then, we wish to engage you as ship's cook and hedgehog. 303 00:22:12,295 --> 00:22:17,210 Well, say goodbye to Merrie England. It's Australia for us. 304 00:22:18,455 --> 00:22:20,650 Quite looking forward, really. 305 00:22:21,815 --> 00:22:25,569 My son and daughter-in-law went out about six years ago. 306 00:22:25,735 --> 00:22:28,408 I haven't even seen the baby. 307 00:22:30,375 --> 00:22:33,606 - Must be nearly four by now. - That's nice. 308 00:22:36,015 --> 00:22:40,645 What? Oh, too much! Oh, can I have a go on it, guys? 309 00:22:40,815 --> 00:22:45,093 - Go, on, please? - All right, but don't break it. 310 00:22:45,255 --> 00:22:49,726 Because at the moment, Neil, it's in absolute, complete working order. 311 00:22:49,895 --> 00:22:53,968 Yes, so if you press the button and it doesn't work, 312 00:22:54,135 --> 00:22:56,046 that means you've got to pay. 313 00:22:56,215 --> 00:22:58,604 - £500. - Yeah. Anything. Anything. 314 00:22:58,775 --> 00:23:01,130 Oh, wow! Yeah! 315 00:23:02,255 --> 00:23:04,405 It's not plugged in. 316 00:23:07,935 --> 00:23:10,403 This doesn't reach. Have we got an extension? 317 00:23:10,575 --> 00:23:14,363 - Yeah, the kitchen. - No, a lead. It doesn't reach. 318 00:23:14,535 --> 00:23:16,207 Oh, God! 319 00:23:26,295 --> 00:23:30,686 Oh, if the mountain won't come to Mohammed, smash up the drawing room. 320 00:23:30,855 --> 00:23:32,846 That's very Buddhist, isn't it?! 321 00:23:33,455 --> 00:23:34,968 Right. 322 00:23:36,775 --> 00:23:38,891 That's brilliant, Neil. It's working. 323 00:23:39,055 --> 00:23:40,966 Stay right there, Neil. That's fabulous. 324 00:23:43,975 --> 00:23:45,294 (SCREAMING) 325 00:23:46,655 --> 00:23:48,293 (GASPS) 326 00:23:52,455 --> 00:23:55,128 What's it to be first, then, dear? 327 00:23:55,295 --> 00:24:00,130 Head in a vice? Knitting needle in the ear? 328 00:24:00,295 --> 00:24:02,855 Or red-hot poker up the jacksie? 329 00:24:04,095 --> 00:24:07,405 Thank goodness I've brought along my favourite painkiller. 330 00:24:07,575 --> 00:24:10,487 What? Painaway? 331 00:24:10,655 --> 00:24:12,611 Yes, Painaway. 332 00:24:12,775 --> 00:24:16,563 In my busy life as a working mum, nursery school teacher, 333 00:24:16,735 --> 00:24:20,205 and anguished soul cast into the pit for all eternity, 334 00:24:20,375 --> 00:24:23,367 sometimes I get those headachy pains, 335 00:24:23,535 --> 00:24:27,847 that strange washed-out feeling that you just can't explain. 336 00:24:28,015 --> 00:24:31,564 She's talking about period pains. 337 00:24:31,735 --> 00:24:34,533 So, next time you get those pains, 338 00:24:34,695 --> 00:24:38,608 I recommend a hysterectomy, and it'll be gone in no time. 339 00:24:39,895 --> 00:24:43,092 # OuchI That's better. painawayI # 340 00:24:45,655 --> 00:24:48,249 (WAILS) 341 00:24:49,135 --> 00:24:52,571 - Neil! - I was watching that, you bastard! 342 00:24:52,735 --> 00:24:56,045 Neil, I'm sick of you and all you stand for! 343 00:24:56,215 --> 00:24:57,728 Look! 344 00:24:58,815 --> 00:25:01,090 Greetings from South Africa. 345 00:25:01,255 --> 00:25:03,325 - (All) Aaaaah! - A vampire! 346 00:25:03,495 --> 00:25:05,406 - In a parcel! - In the kitchen! 347 00:25:05,575 --> 00:25:08,533 Hate mail! What are we going to do? 348 00:25:08,695 --> 00:25:11,653 Only pop music can save us now! 349 00:25:30,055 --> 00:25:33,445 # Catch the tide at the flood 350 00:25:33,615 --> 00:25:36,607 # My TVscreen is seeped in blood 351 00:25:36,775 --> 00:25:40,245 # My walls, my floors, all red, too 352 00:25:40,415 --> 00:25:43,487 # The night is coming after you... 353 00:25:46,855 --> 00:25:52,851 (SCREECHES) Excuse me, can I use the toilet? Thank you. 354 00:25:53,015 --> 00:25:56,132 # Cry the innocent screams of pain 355 00:25:56,295 --> 00:25:59,526 # He's coming for you again and again 356 00:25:59,695 --> 00:26:02,334 # There's no escape, there's no way out 357 00:26:06,175 --> 00:26:08,814 # Catch, catch the horror taxi 358 00:26:08,975 --> 00:26:11,967 # I fell in love with a video nasty 359 00:26:12,135 --> 00:26:14,888 # Catch, catch the horror train 360 00:26:15,055 --> 00:26:18,650 # Freeze frame gonna drive you insane... 361 00:26:18,815 --> 00:26:20,771 (WHISTLES) 362 00:26:25,255 --> 00:26:28,611 # The axe is sharp and the blade is keen 363 00:26:28,775 --> 00:26:31,892 # Creature feature spills from the screen 364 00:26:32,055 --> 00:26:35,172 # Shadows fall and all is gloom 365 00:26:36,535 --> 00:26:41,450 # You're not so safe in the safety of your room 366 00:26:41,615 --> 00:26:44,527 # All I want is to make a killing 367 00:26:44,695 --> 00:26:47,892 # To drill and kill, that might be really thrilling 368 00:26:48,055 --> 00:26:51,172 # Why are my victims so unwilling? 369 00:26:51,335 --> 00:26:55,044 # You can be sure that you won't see me 370 00:26:57,655 --> 00:26:59,532 # Careful with that axeI 371 00:27:00,375 --> 00:27:04,812 Stay right there! I've got a crucifix and I'm not afraid to use it! 372 00:27:04,975 --> 00:27:09,491 Yeah, take it easy! You're messing with the big boys now! 373 00:27:10,175 --> 00:27:12,643 No, this is some kind of misunderstanding! 374 00:27:12,815 --> 00:27:18,811 I'm not a vampire. I'm a driving instructor...from Johannesburg! 375 00:27:18,975 --> 00:27:22,206 # I fell in love with a video nasty 376 00:27:22,375 --> 00:27:25,447 # Catch, catch the horror train 377 00:27:25,615 --> 00:27:28,925 # Freeze frame gonna drive you insane 378 00:27:29,095 --> 00:27:32,371 # Catch, catch the horror taxi 379 00:27:32,535 --> 00:27:35,652 # I fell in love with a video nasty 380 00:27:35,815 --> 00:27:39,171 # Catch, catch the horror train 381 00:27:39,335 --> 00:27:42,566 # Freeze frame gonna drive you insane 382 00:27:42,735 --> 00:27:45,727 # Catch, catch the horror taxi 383 00:27:45,895 --> 00:27:49,046 # I fell in love with a video nasty 384 00:27:49,215 --> 00:27:52,571 # Catch, catch the horror train # 385 00:27:52,735 --> 00:27:55,533 A driving instructor from Johannesburg? 386 00:27:55,695 --> 00:27:57,333 - Prove it! - (VAMPIRE) How? 387 00:27:57,495 --> 00:28:00,248 What don't you do in a box junction? 388 00:28:00,415 --> 00:28:04,647 You should never enter, unless your exit is clear. 389 00:28:04,815 --> 00:28:10,048 Ah, true. What's the procedure for the approach of a humpback bridge? 390 00:28:10,215 --> 00:28:14,254 You should slow down and check in both rear view mirrors. 391 00:28:14,415 --> 00:28:17,964 If nobody is behind, rip out a virgin's throat... 392 00:28:18,135 --> 00:28:20,205 A-ha! Gotcha! Gotcha! Gotcha! 393 00:28:20,375 --> 00:28:24,732 Driving instructor, my bottom! You're a vampire. There's no denying it! 394 00:28:24,895 --> 00:28:27,250 Oh, Outspan! 395 00:28:28,255 --> 00:28:32,533 Neil, what exactly does ''messing with the big boys'' entail? 396 00:28:33,655 --> 00:28:35,725 Uh, this. 397 00:28:37,375 --> 00:28:39,013 The Battersea Dogs' Home won't take him. 398 00:28:39,175 --> 00:28:41,814 Hey! Try the Doggersea Bats' Home. 399 00:28:41,975 --> 00:28:44,569 - Don't be flippant, Rick. - No, listen... 400 00:28:44,735 --> 00:28:47,010 - Don't be flippant! - Forget it! 401 00:28:49,575 --> 00:28:52,043 This is actually very serious! 402 00:28:56,175 --> 00:29:00,134 - What will we do? - We'll bite him to death! 403 00:29:00,855 --> 00:29:03,528 You can't bite me! I'm South African! 404 00:29:04,295 --> 00:29:06,934 I know! Let's lock him in the toilet! 405 00:29:07,095 --> 00:29:11,407 - We have. - Oh. Good idea, wasn't it? 406 00:29:11,575 --> 00:29:15,124 Mike, what if we want to spend a penny? 407 00:29:15,295 --> 00:29:20,528 - He'll see us, won't he? - I know... Got it! Peter Cushing! 408 00:29:20,695 --> 00:29:24,927 - We drive a stake through his heart! - I'll get the car! 409 00:29:25,095 --> 00:29:26,414 I'll get a cushion. 410 00:29:30,855 --> 00:29:36,964 Oh, no! We haven't got a steak, just this vegetarian sausage. 411 00:29:40,255 --> 00:29:42,371 Right. Where's the stake? 412 00:29:42,535 --> 00:29:44,207 (SCREECHES) 413 00:29:45,215 --> 00:29:47,171 It's rubbish, this, isn't it, eh? 414 00:29:47,335 --> 00:29:50,213 All the way from the Transvaal by post 415 00:29:50,375 --> 00:29:55,608 to end up in a filthy, horrible toilet in a television studio. 416 00:29:55,775 --> 00:30:01,088 I mean, people think telly's great, you know, but it's dead boring. 417 00:30:01,255 --> 00:30:05,533 They're all dull, and they talk about me behind me back! 418 00:30:05,695 --> 00:30:08,573 - I hate him. - He drinks like a fish. 419 00:30:08,735 --> 00:30:11,124 - He's got no talent. - Alexei who? 420 00:30:11,295 --> 00:30:14,810 But the worst thing is I'm a Marxist comedian, 421 00:30:14,975 --> 00:30:17,170 but since I've been doing television, 422 00:30:17,335 --> 00:30:20,964 a lot of Marxist friends have accused me of selling out. 423 00:30:21,135 --> 00:30:24,491 They make me march at the back on demos. 424 00:30:24,655 --> 00:30:29,410 They sell the Socialist Worker, and I have to sell the TV Times. 425 00:30:29,575 --> 00:30:31,884 So I'd like to take this opportunity 426 00:30:32,055 --> 00:30:37,254 to assure you all, comrades, that honest to God, I have not sold out. 427 00:30:38,255 --> 00:30:43,124 Anyway, around about now, I usually have a Pot Noodle. 428 00:30:44,415 --> 00:30:47,805 Yes, it's a tasty... Mmm! Doesn't that look good! 429 00:30:47,975 --> 00:30:52,685 It's a tasty delicious little snack! Mmm! Let's try some, shall we? 430 00:30:52,855 --> 00:30:55,574 Oh, doesn't that look absolutely yumscious? 431 00:30:55,735 --> 00:30:57,771 Let's try some, shall we? 432 00:30:57,935 --> 00:30:59,527 (GROWLS) 433 00:31:01,695 --> 00:31:04,163 The vampire's escaped from the toilet! 434 00:31:04,335 --> 00:31:09,967 I don't see what the fuss is about. Vampires only attack virgins. 435 00:31:12,055 --> 00:31:15,047 Yeah, I'm not worried for myself, Vyv. 436 00:31:15,215 --> 00:31:19,333 - It's Rick and Neil. - What? Me? Rick? A virgin? 437 00:31:19,495 --> 00:31:25,092 (LAUGHS) Try telling that to some of the foxy chicks who owe me favours. 438 00:31:25,255 --> 00:31:27,894 If Rick's not a virgin, I'm not either. 439 00:31:28,055 --> 00:31:32,128 We'll soon find out, won't we? 'Cause the vampire's gonna know. 440 00:31:32,295 --> 00:31:37,528 If anybody gets attacked, then we'll know that they're a sissy virgin. 441 00:31:38,695 --> 00:31:42,051 God. I hope snogging with SPG counts. 442 00:31:42,215 --> 00:31:47,335 He's gonna turn us into vampires! We'll all be dead, yet still alive... 443 00:31:47,495 --> 00:31:49,611 like Leonard Cohen! 444 00:31:50,295 --> 00:31:54,129 He's bound to bite me first. I'm obviously the most succulent. 445 00:31:54,295 --> 00:31:56,206 Right. Mister Vampire! 446 00:31:56,375 --> 00:31:59,412 Mister Vampire! Don't bite me. I'm horrid! 447 00:31:59,575 --> 00:32:02,806 I'm covered in acne. Bite Neil! He's strawberry flavored! 448 00:32:02,975 --> 00:32:04,408 (WAILING) 449 00:32:04,575 --> 00:32:09,251 OK, there's only one way out. We've got to lose our virginity...now! 450 00:32:09,415 --> 00:32:11,610 But how, Mike? Oh, no! 451 00:32:11,775 --> 00:32:15,131 - Bags not Rick! - Bags not Vyv! 452 00:32:15,295 --> 00:32:17,934 Bags not...Neil. 453 00:32:18,095 --> 00:32:20,131 (THUNDER) 454 00:32:20,295 --> 00:32:22,684 OK! Who's first? 455 00:32:22,855 --> 00:32:26,211 - What a choice! - Quick! Out the window! 456 00:32:29,455 --> 00:32:32,015 Oh, no! I forgot about the time difference 457 00:32:32,175 --> 00:32:35,053 between here and Johannesburg! 458 00:32:35,215 --> 00:32:37,445 (SCREAMS) 459 00:32:41,535 --> 00:32:42,934 Quick! Nail him in! 460 00:32:48,535 --> 00:32:50,605 Thank heavens for Habitat sofa-coffins! 461 00:32:56,895 --> 00:33:01,764 So, in fact, all four of us have stayed up for the entire night! 462 00:33:01,935 --> 00:33:04,893 Now that's what I call anarchy! 463 00:33:05,055 --> 00:33:07,364 We never did watch the video. 464 00:33:07,535 --> 00:33:13,292 - Have you got a video? - Yes, we've got a video! 465 00:33:13,455 --> 00:33:16,094 - I only asked! - The video! 466 00:33:16,255 --> 00:33:20,009 If it's not back by half past nine, we'll owe £500! 467 00:33:20,175 --> 00:33:23,406 - What time is it? - (ALL) Half past nine! 468 00:33:24,255 --> 00:33:25,574 (RICK SCREAMS) 469 00:33:25,735 --> 00:33:27,612 Fooled you all! Cor, blimey! 470 00:33:27,775 --> 00:33:32,087 You fell for the oldest trick in the book, the old strange parcel routine. 471 00:33:32,255 --> 00:33:36,168 And you were completely taken in by my South African accent. 472 00:33:36,335 --> 00:33:40,169 Oh, really? I thought you were Australian like David Bowie. 473 00:33:40,335 --> 00:33:44,726 - In fact... - (ALL) Harry the Bastard! 474 00:33:44,895 --> 00:33:48,649 The very same. And you owe me 500 quid! 475 00:33:48,815 --> 00:33:52,285 (All) Well, what a complete bastard! 476 00:34:16,535 --> 00:34:19,971 ..twenty-seven, twenty-seven, twenty-seven... 477 00:34:23,535 --> 00:34:26,891 Why don't you piss off, Death? 478 00:34:38,295 --> 00:34:40,286 ..it is irrelevant. 479 00:34:49,975 --> 00:34:51,294 (SCREAM) 36558

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