Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,790 --> 00:00:04,035
Good evening, everybody.
2
00:00:04,059 --> 00:00:07,772
"Play up, play up, and play the game."
3
00:00:07,796 --> 00:00:12,777
Kipling said that if you
can meet triumph and disaster
4
00:00:12,801 --> 00:00:15,746
and treat them just the same,
5
00:00:15,770 --> 00:00:18,406
then you will be a man.
6
00:00:19,741 --> 00:00:23,188
These days of course, you
would have to say "Person,"
7
00:00:23,212 --> 00:00:25,957
Which doesn't even scan.
8
00:00:25,981 --> 00:00:31,028
But nobody bothers about that
sort of thing anymore, of course.
9
00:00:31,052 --> 00:00:35,733
Nonetheless, Kipling's message is
needed more today than it ever was.
10
00:00:35,757 --> 00:00:38,736
Because sport, as we shall see,
11
00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:41,739
is like a half-sucked sweet,
12
00:00:41,763 --> 00:00:44,765
not what it used to be.
13
00:00:54,676 --> 00:00:56,244
Sorry, sorry.
14
00:00:57,346 --> 00:00:59,056
I love football.
15
00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:02,227
There's so many aspects
to the modern game-
16
00:01:02,251 --> 00:01:06,464
The beer, the crisps,
17
00:01:06,488 --> 00:01:08,566
the dirty songs,
18
00:01:08,590 --> 00:01:11,759
just savoring the pre-match atmosphere.
19
00:01:16,131 --> 00:01:20,178
Do you mind? I think we could do
without your pre-match atmosphere.
20
00:01:20,202 --> 00:01:22,514
Oh, I love a good burp, me.
21
00:01:22,538 --> 00:01:25,049
A really good chewy one.
22
00:01:25,073 --> 00:01:27,408
Big solid beer-flavored belch.
23
00:01:29,378 --> 00:01:34,359
A really huge tongue-twanging
mouthful of gas and dinner.
24
00:01:34,383 --> 00:01:36,894
Nothing like it.
Especially at the footie.
25
00:01:36,918 --> 00:01:39,620
Gladiators is my sport.
26
00:01:41,190 --> 00:01:44,802
I love it. Such thighs.
27
00:01:44,826 --> 00:01:46,904
Colossal thighs.
28
00:01:46,928 --> 00:01:50,275
They could crack nuts with those thighs.
29
00:01:50,299 --> 00:01:52,674
In wolf's case, his own.
30
00:01:53,706 --> 00:01:55,880
Oh, yes. I'm going to
go in for it one day,
31
00:01:55,904 --> 00:01:58,306
when I've pumped enough
iron to fill my leotard.
32
00:01:59,361 --> 00:02:03,110
I've already got my
name- "Love Muscle".
33
00:02:04,513 --> 00:02:07,625
Yes, football is boring
compared to gladiators.
34
00:02:07,649 --> 00:02:10,100
- Football is not boring.
- No.
35
00:02:10,335 --> 00:02:12,514
It's the reason god
made Saturday afternoons.
36
00:02:12,538 --> 00:02:16,652
Football is just a socially
sanitized homo-erotic ritual.
37
00:02:16,676 --> 00:02:18,554
"Socially sat..."
38
00:02:18,578 --> 00:02:20,221
What nonsense, constable Habib.
39
00:02:20,245 --> 00:02:23,091
Is there no trendy leftist theorem
40
00:02:23,115 --> 00:02:25,260
which you will not uncritically embrace?
41
00:02:25,284 --> 00:02:28,396
Some American feminists
think sport was invented
42
00:02:28,420 --> 00:02:32,400
so that men could avoid
confronting their sexuality.
43
00:02:32,424 --> 00:02:35,437
Some American feminists
think that phoning a woman
44
00:02:35,461 --> 00:02:39,174
while she's having an afternoon
nap constitutes assault.
45
00:02:39,198 --> 00:02:42,834
Homo-erotic ritual?
Coconuts and custard.
46
00:02:43,485 --> 00:02:46,864
On what evidence is such an
appalling generalization based?
47
00:02:46,888 --> 00:02:48,491
I think it's obvious.
48
00:02:48,564 --> 00:02:51,553
For instance, Gary plays
football every Sunday.
49
00:02:51,577 --> 00:02:55,208
Now, what do you do
after the game, Gary?
50
00:02:55,233 --> 00:02:57,927
Let me think.
51
00:02:58,030 --> 00:03:01,114
- We all get in the bath together,
- Right.
52
00:03:01,139 --> 00:03:03,045
Oh, and I suppose you
are suggesting that
53
00:03:03,070 --> 00:03:06,529
men bathing together by
definition is is a sexual act.
54
00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:10,669
What a sad world it has become.
Sometimes I despair, I really do.
55
00:03:10,709 --> 00:03:12,387
I think we should let him finish, sir.
56
00:03:12,862 --> 00:03:15,481
Well, we have a bit of a splash,
you know,
57
00:03:15,506 --> 00:03:17,431
and a bit of a sing-song, you know?
58
00:03:17,455 --> 00:03:20,157
"The hairs on her dickey di
do," "Tits out for the lads"...
59
00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:23,838
All the classics.
60
00:03:23,862 --> 00:03:25,973
And then after that
there's a towel fight-
61
00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:28,009
You beat each other with wet towels?
62
00:03:28,033 --> 00:03:30,111
You've got to have a flick, haven't you?
63
00:03:30,135 --> 00:03:33,214
Then we all get in the pub, pour a
load of beer over each other's heads,
64
00:03:33,238 --> 00:03:36,116
and sing more songs
about lovely saucy birds.
65
00:03:36,235 --> 00:03:39,789
And are any lovely saucy birds
actually present at this point?
66
00:03:39,814 --> 00:03:42,547
Get out of it.
It's a lad's thing, innit?
67
00:03:42,572 --> 00:03:44,391
Anyway, when we are well sorted
68
00:03:44,416 --> 00:03:47,344
we'll probably take our trousers off,
hang them over a lamp-post,
69
00:03:47,369 --> 00:03:50,789
and if it's a really good night, fall over
in a puddle of vom' on the way home.
70
00:03:51,561 --> 00:03:53,906
There you go. Blokes
singing about women,
71
00:03:53,930 --> 00:03:56,843
but actually wallowing
in their own naked excess.
72
00:03:56,867 --> 00:03:59,112
It's transparent
suppressed homo-eroticism.
73
00:03:59,136 --> 00:04:01,681
As long as it gets you pissed.
74
00:04:01,705 --> 00:04:03,149
Constable Habib,
75
00:04:03,173 --> 00:04:05,452
do you think that the
gay sexual community
76
00:04:05,476 --> 00:04:08,888
would thank you for categorizing
their particular sexual preference
77
00:04:08,912 --> 00:04:12,859
as the act of a disgusting,
puerile, drunken oaf like Boyle?
78
00:04:12,883 --> 00:04:16,729
- Steady on.
- Your mistake, constable Habib,
79
00:04:16,753 --> 00:04:19,466
is to seek a sexual
explanation for the simple truth
80
00:04:19,490 --> 00:04:23,169
that men understand football
but they rarely understand women.
81
00:04:23,193 --> 00:04:25,628
Oh, that's very true, sir.
82
00:04:25,755 --> 00:04:30,348
Even the dutch game is a picture
of simplicity and clarity compared
83
00:04:30,373 --> 00:04:32,253
to the mind of a woman.
84
00:04:32,278 --> 00:04:35,142
I could demonstrate the
mechanics of the offside trap,
85
00:04:35,166 --> 00:04:37,444
but I couldn't tell you why
86
00:04:37,468 --> 00:04:40,314
all the women I have ever
loved have said to me,
87
00:04:40,338 --> 00:04:42,649
"I've got a fat bottom."
88
00:04:42,673 --> 00:04:46,186
And then I say, "Yes, I like it."
89
00:04:46,210 --> 00:04:48,455
They throw their dinner at me.
90
00:04:48,479 --> 00:04:51,225
Lying about a girl's bottom
is part of a man's duties.
91
00:04:51,249 --> 00:04:54,060
It makes up for never
putting the toilet seat down
92
00:04:54,084 --> 00:04:56,630
and not replacing the
loo roll when it's empty.
93
00:04:56,654 --> 00:04:58,665
Well, explain this then.
94
00:04:58,689 --> 00:05:02,869
What is it about the inability
of women to get out of the house?
95
00:05:02,893 --> 00:05:04,571
- What?
- You heard.
96
00:05:04,595 --> 00:05:08,742
Why can't women ever
get out of the house?
97
00:05:08,766 --> 00:05:12,679
I say, "Tina, we are leaving at 7:30."
98
00:05:12,703 --> 00:05:17,317
That is 7:30, not a quarter
to 8:00, not next year,
99
00:05:17,341 --> 00:05:20,920
not in another lifetime when we've
come back as a couple of insects
100
00:05:20,944 --> 00:05:24,691
which only live for a day-
which she'd spend in the bathroom,
101
00:05:24,715 --> 00:05:28,695
putting mascara on her antennae
102
00:05:28,719 --> 00:05:34,668
and trying to stick 300 contact
lenses into her multiple eyes.
103
00:05:34,692 --> 00:05:38,505
Lipstick in her-spiracles,
104
00:05:38,529 --> 00:05:40,874
and blonding her follicles.
105
00:05:40,898 --> 00:05:44,378
- Yes, the kick-off is-
- I shout, "Come on, Tina!"
106
00:05:44,402 --> 00:05:47,214
She says, "I've got to
put my face on, haven't I?"
107
00:05:47,238 --> 00:05:50,350
I say, "Right. I'm waiting in the
car. She says, "Wait in the car."
108
00:05:50,374 --> 00:05:53,587
I say, "I will wait in the car." she
says, "Right, go wait in the car."
109
00:05:53,611 --> 00:05:55,189
I say, "I'm going out to the car."
110
00:05:55,213 --> 00:05:59,416
She says, "You go to the
car." it grinds you down.
111
00:06:03,687 --> 00:06:06,767
Oh, what a very splendid thing this is,
112
00:06:06,791 --> 00:06:11,104
the local community coming
together in celebration of sport.
113
00:06:11,128 --> 00:06:14,307
It's what being British is all about.
114
00:06:14,331 --> 00:06:17,043
What? Being wet and bored?
115
00:06:17,067 --> 00:06:20,147
Well, yes, being wet and
bored is part of it, certainly.
116
00:06:20,171 --> 00:06:22,348
But there's so much more.
117
00:06:22,372 --> 00:06:25,051
I mean, look at this stadium.
118
00:06:25,075 --> 00:06:26,920
It reeks of history.
119
00:06:26,944 --> 00:06:28,989
It reeks of weed.
120
00:06:29,013 --> 00:06:30,991
Under these ancient terraces,
121
00:06:31,015 --> 00:06:33,459
Gasforth town F.C. have seen it all.
122
00:06:33,483 --> 00:06:38,832
From not quite disaster,
to complete disaster.
123
00:06:38,856 --> 00:06:43,303
From bottom of the league,
to not even in the league.
124
00:06:43,327 --> 00:06:46,762
- It's a dump.
- And therein lies its glory.
125
00:06:48,365 --> 00:06:52,879
We don't need some vast superbowl
with a great big electronic sign
126
00:06:52,903 --> 00:06:57,550
that says "Fwaaaah! Go-ooo!"
127
00:06:57,574 --> 00:07:00,687
We're quite happy to gather
together in small groups
128
00:07:00,711 --> 00:07:03,195
on a wet Saturday and be a bit sad.
129
00:07:03,274 --> 00:07:06,641
That's the spirit that made
Brittain what it is today.
130
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,992
- Knackered.
- And proud of it.
131
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:20,769
Do you think they know they're
supposed to get the round leather thing
132
00:07:20,794 --> 00:07:23,786
into the big square netty thing?
133
00:07:23,810 --> 00:07:25,912
Amateurs all, Goody, remember that.
134
00:07:26,263 --> 00:07:29,108
Weekend sporting heroes-
135
00:07:29,132 --> 00:07:33,212
Butchers, bakers, builders.
136
00:07:33,236 --> 00:07:36,081
I wouldn't want to live in
a house that lot had built.
137
00:07:36,105 --> 00:07:39,818
- They're just not very good, are they?
- Exactly, Habib.
138
00:07:39,842 --> 00:07:43,122
Not being good at things is
what the British are good at.
139
00:07:43,146 --> 00:07:45,175
We excel in failure.
140
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:49,127
A good thing too, because
failure is character building.
141
00:07:49,152 --> 00:07:53,065
Some of our finest
moments have been defeats.
142
00:07:53,089 --> 00:07:56,269
Mons, Dunkirk,
143
00:07:56,293 --> 00:07:59,238
"Lulu" coming second at eurovision
with "Boom bang a bang."
144
00:07:59,262 --> 00:08:02,697
The french vote was
our undoing, of course.
145
00:08:02,722 --> 00:08:05,634
They've never got over Agincourt.
146
00:08:06,636 --> 00:08:08,147
What a waste of time.
147
00:08:08,171 --> 00:08:10,916
I've never seen such a useless
148
00:08:10,940 --> 00:08:13,619
bunch of old women in all my life.
149
00:08:13,643 --> 00:08:17,055
They've got no aggression,
no killer instinct.
150
00:08:17,079 --> 00:08:19,191
Oh, I don't know.
151
00:08:19,215 --> 00:08:21,260
The one with the limp's not bad.
152
00:08:21,284 --> 00:08:23,396
I'm not talking about the players,
153
00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:25,398
I'm talking about the fans.
154
00:08:25,422 --> 00:08:29,702
I am an Inspector of
criminal investigations.
155
00:08:29,726 --> 00:08:31,591
When I police a football match
156
00:08:31,616 --> 00:08:34,874
I expect a decent enemy.
157
00:08:34,898 --> 00:08:37,377
Where are the skinheads,
158
00:08:37,401 --> 00:08:40,279
the shadowy street-fighting generals?
159
00:08:40,303 --> 00:08:44,817
You only get premiere-league hooligans
with premiere-league sides, sir.
160
00:08:44,841 --> 00:08:47,020
Don't be so defeatist, constable Boyle,
161
00:08:47,044 --> 00:08:51,624
this could be the season when
Gasforth F.C. rises like a phoenix.
162
00:08:51,648 --> 00:08:53,493
More like a turkey.
163
00:08:53,517 --> 00:08:56,095
We're already through the
first round of the F.A. Cup.
164
00:08:56,119 --> 00:09:00,266
Only because their lot all got
food poisoning from our burger van.
165
00:09:00,290 --> 00:09:02,235
Nice game that. It's a long time
166
00:09:02,259 --> 00:09:04,837
since I've seen 11 men
vomiting in tight formation.
167
00:09:04,861 --> 00:09:08,541
- Nonetheless, if we win today-
- Ooh, ooh, sir, sir, look!
168
00:09:08,565 --> 00:09:12,245
Goal!
169
00:09:12,269 --> 00:09:16,049
An F.A. Cup second
round victory for Gasforth.
170
00:09:16,073 --> 00:09:18,418
- Lucky shot.
- They all count.
171
00:09:18,442 --> 00:09:20,453
Where was their goalie?
172
00:09:20,477 --> 00:09:23,212
Look, sir. There he is
coming out of the bogs.
173
00:09:24,881 --> 00:09:28,027
Mmm, we really must get
the health and safety people
174
00:09:28,051 --> 00:09:30,419
to have a look at that burger van.
175
00:09:34,524 --> 00:09:38,337
Uggghhh! I can't stand it!
176
00:09:38,361 --> 00:09:41,640
Those pathetic
little-little builders
177
00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:43,676
working outside the bank.
178
00:09:43,700 --> 00:09:46,345
Every time a woman goes
in or out of that door
179
00:09:46,369 --> 00:09:48,948
they're there, hanging
off their scaffolding
180
00:09:48,972 --> 00:09:51,150
like sexually inadequate bats.
181
00:09:51,174 --> 00:09:53,453
- Who's that then?
- Men!
182
00:09:53,477 --> 00:09:56,522
Tiny brained, sexually frustrated,
183
00:09:56,546 --> 00:09:58,657
emotionally retarded,
184
00:09:58,681 --> 00:10:02,761
inadequate, puerile, juvenile, drooling,
185
00:10:02,785 --> 00:10:06,122
leering, sneering, pointless bloody men.
186
00:10:07,524 --> 00:10:09,502
Could be half the blokes I know.
187
00:10:09,526 --> 00:10:11,237
They've always been bad.
188
00:10:11,261 --> 00:10:14,640
But this stupid F.A. Cup
thing's made them even worse.
189
00:10:14,664 --> 00:10:17,343
What you've got to do is
not sink to their level.
190
00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:20,213
Just turn around, give them a smile,
191
00:10:20,237 --> 00:10:22,014
maybe a bit of a wiggle, and say,
192
00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:25,241
"Oi, bum head, do up your
flies, your brain's hanging out."
193
00:10:27,577 --> 00:10:29,088
Tell them get stuffed.
194
00:10:29,112 --> 00:10:31,857
Oh, yeah, sure.
195
00:10:31,881 --> 00:10:34,693
They're 30 feet up and I'm
standing on the pavement going,
196
00:10:34,717 --> 00:10:36,429
"Get stuffed."
197
00:10:36,453 --> 00:10:38,264
They'd love it!
198
00:10:38,288 --> 00:10:42,525
Oohhh! You're
beautiful when you're angry, darling.
199
00:10:44,427 --> 00:10:48,007
Well, I would have
thought it were flattering.
200
00:10:48,031 --> 00:10:50,943
Of course it is, Boyle.
201
00:10:50,967 --> 00:10:53,479
There's nothing builds
up a girl's self-esteem
202
00:10:53,503 --> 00:10:55,248
like having a human gorilla
203
00:10:55,272 --> 00:10:57,483
with a brain the size of a peanut
204
00:10:57,507 --> 00:11:00,676
inviting you peel its banana!
205
00:11:02,646 --> 00:11:05,658
Ah, sergeant,
206
00:11:05,682 --> 00:11:08,827
since you still have 18 seconds
to go before you're back on duty...
207
00:11:08,851 --> 00:11:12,165
darling, I must say you're
looking lovely today.
208
00:11:12,189 --> 00:11:13,766
Very lovely indeed.
209
00:11:13,790 --> 00:11:16,892
Do up your flies, bum head,
you're brain's hanging out.
210
00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:21,641
Mmm. Hmmm, well.
211
00:11:21,665 --> 00:11:24,233
I must get on, must get on.
212
00:11:26,402 --> 00:11:28,280
Constable Habib,
213
00:11:28,304 --> 00:11:31,150
hold all but the most urgent calls.
214
00:11:31,174 --> 00:11:34,187
- There haven't been any calls.
- When there are, hold them.
215
00:11:34,211 --> 00:11:36,823
Inspector Grim, you're on duty.
216
00:11:36,847 --> 00:11:39,058
You can't strut about
like Roy of the rovers.
217
00:11:39,082 --> 00:11:42,729
I have gone undercover.
218
00:11:42,753 --> 00:11:45,898
That should fool them.
219
00:11:45,922 --> 00:11:49,836
Listen, Fowler, this
is the sharp end, mate,
220
00:11:49,860 --> 00:11:52,839
not jolly cricket bats,
221
00:11:52,863 --> 00:11:55,842
lovely boating weather, don't you know?
222
00:11:55,866 --> 00:11:58,410
Oxford and Cambridge-
row, row, row,
223
00:11:58,434 --> 00:12:00,502
and hoist your little
cox above your head.
224
00:12:02,272 --> 00:12:05,818
This is football, and
football is not a game.
225
00:12:05,842 --> 00:12:07,686
Well, obviously it is a game.
226
00:12:07,710 --> 00:12:10,156
But it is also not a game.
227
00:12:10,180 --> 00:12:11,924
I mean, even though it is a game,
228
00:12:11,948 --> 00:12:14,093
there's no point
treating it like a game,
229
00:12:14,117 --> 00:12:17,386
because it is not a game.
Although clearly it is a game.
230
00:12:18,989 --> 00:12:21,467
All right, Boyle, with
me. Let's go, go, go.
231
00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:24,103
I think we should
contact the x-files, sir.
232
00:12:24,127 --> 00:12:27,997
Inspector Grim's body has been inhabited
by a being from the planet Berk.
233
00:12:28,999 --> 00:12:30,609
Respect for rank, Habib.
234
00:12:30,633 --> 00:12:32,879
It's just as well he's
out of the way, actually,
235
00:12:32,903 --> 00:12:34,814
I have an appointment with the mayoress.
236
00:12:34,838 --> 00:12:37,449
And he does rather lower the tone.
237
00:12:37,473 --> 00:12:40,086
- They mayoress is coming here?
- Yes, that's right.
238
00:12:40,110 --> 00:12:42,688
Dame Christabel Wickham.
239
00:12:42,712 --> 00:12:44,523
"Chrissy Wicky," yes.
240
00:12:44,547 --> 00:12:47,760
- Who you were at school with?
- I had that honor, yes.
241
00:12:47,784 --> 00:12:50,863
- And you've fancied ever since?
- Yes, that's the one-no!
242
00:12:50,887 --> 00:12:52,298
Now don't be absurd.
243
00:12:52,322 --> 00:12:54,934
I'll know anyway, because
your nose always twitches
244
00:12:54,958 --> 00:12:56,702
when you fancy someone.
245
00:12:56,726 --> 00:13:00,139
- Patricia, you're not jealous, surely?
- Of course not.
246
00:13:00,163 --> 00:13:02,275
Why would I be, when
my boyfriend dribbles
247
00:13:02,299 --> 00:13:04,143
at the thought of another woman?
248
00:13:04,167 --> 00:13:07,880
But that's ridiculous, Patricia.
How could you feel threatened by her?
249
00:13:07,904 --> 00:13:10,416
- It's insane.
- Are you sure, Raymond?
250
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:11,918
Well, of course.
251
00:13:11,942 --> 00:13:15,654
Chrissy Wickham is brilliant,
beautiful, accomplished.
252
00:13:15,678 --> 00:13:18,981
I could never get a girl like that.
253
00:13:22,285 --> 00:13:24,419
She's completely out of my league.
254
00:13:26,823 --> 00:13:28,968
Thank you, Raymond, you've said enough.
255
00:13:28,992 --> 00:13:32,071
I hope I've set your mind at rest.
256
00:13:32,095 --> 00:13:36,798
A wonderful woman like that is scarcely
a threat to any girlfriend of mine.
257
00:13:41,071 --> 00:13:43,816
Good morning. Good
morning. Sit, sit, sit.
258
00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:45,918
As you all know, there's been
259
00:13:45,942 --> 00:13:49,288
A quite extraordinary
development in the world of sport.
260
00:13:49,312 --> 00:13:52,925
Gasforth are going to play a
premier-league side in the F.A. Cup.
261
00:13:52,949 --> 00:13:55,984
And what's more, it's a home
game. Chelsea are coming to us.
262
00:13:56,524 --> 00:14:00,199
Now what are our chief concerns?
263
00:14:00,223 --> 00:14:03,526
Let's... Kick
off, as it were-
264
00:14:09,299 --> 00:14:12,811
With the prospects for crowd trouble.
265
00:14:12,835 --> 00:14:16,582
Now sadly, the game of
football is not what it was.
266
00:14:16,606 --> 00:14:20,353
Gone are the days when
decent lads in enormous shorts
267
00:14:20,377 --> 00:14:25,181
thrilled peaceful crowds of
chirpy cloth-capped costermongers.
268
00:14:27,517 --> 00:14:31,964
What sort of example do these permed
and preening louts of today set?
269
00:14:31,988 --> 00:14:33,999
These gazzers and bazzers
270
00:14:34,023 --> 00:14:37,560
and slashers and hackers
and rozzers and tozzers?
271
00:14:38,695 --> 00:14:41,006
Footballers used to have nice names.
272
00:14:41,030 --> 00:14:44,210
Like Dixie Dean,
273
00:14:44,234 --> 00:14:46,712
Tiddler Tompkins,
274
00:14:46,736 --> 00:14:49,638
Nobbie Nut and Ginger Curlies.
275
00:14:52,375 --> 00:14:56,255
Raymond, the world's finest example
of womanhood is at the front desk.
276
00:14:56,279 --> 00:14:59,325
Gloria Hunniford?
277
00:14:59,349 --> 00:15:05,131
The mayoress, brilliant, beautiful-think
she might have had a little chin tuck.
278
00:15:05,155 --> 00:15:07,990
The mayoress? Here already?
279
00:15:09,376 --> 00:15:11,487
- How do I look?
- Sad and pathetic.
280
00:15:11,511 --> 00:15:12,945
Good. Good.
281
00:15:20,483 --> 00:15:24,618
Mayoress Wickham, welcome to
our humble and unworthy station.
282
00:15:25,103 --> 00:15:27,336
Hello, Raymond.
283
00:15:30,342 --> 00:15:34,245
Your worship, this is
indeed an unhoped for honor.
284
00:15:36,114 --> 00:15:37,958
Don't be so formal.
285
00:15:37,982 --> 00:15:40,728
I can remember you following
me up the stairs in big school
286
00:15:40,752 --> 00:15:42,520
trying to see my knickers.
287
00:15:49,394 --> 00:15:51,572
I'm-I'm astonished
and most touched
288
00:15:51,596 --> 00:15:54,808
that you recall our
former acquaintance, ma'am.
289
00:15:54,832 --> 00:15:58,636
I could hardly forget
old feely Fowler, could I?
290
00:16:01,890 --> 00:16:03,902
All right, where's your office?
291
00:16:03,926 --> 00:16:05,859
I want to get straight down to it.
292
00:16:13,668 --> 00:16:16,137
Tea, sergeant!
293
00:16:22,031 --> 00:16:24,491
Photo surveillance of last
week's game, sir.
294
00:16:24,524 --> 00:16:27,699
Blimey! Have you seen this?
It's worse than I thought.
295
00:16:27,730 --> 00:16:33,058
Fascist insignia, millitaristic uniforms,
badges of rank...
296
00:16:33,730 --> 00:16:39,098
We are clearly dealing with a highly
organized, well-disciplined pack.
297
00:16:39,417 --> 00:16:41,152
Yes, sir.
It's a scout pack.
298
00:16:41,177 --> 00:16:44,302
One or two visious looking
brownies in there as well.
299
00:16:45,130 --> 00:16:46,877
Right. Down to business.
300
00:16:46,901 --> 00:16:49,982
Oh, dear sir.
I'm afraid you've exposed them.
301
00:16:50,021 --> 00:16:54,240
Oh, thanks Boyle. I did
tell Tina to fix this zip.
302
00:16:55,951 --> 00:16:57,224
Boyle.
303
00:16:58,443 --> 00:17:00,943
Are you chewing a brick...
304
00:17:00,968 --> 00:17:03,998
or looking at me
eating hospital food?
305
00:17:04,031 --> 00:17:07,749
'Cause either way I'll be
going home in an ambulance.
306
00:17:08,390 --> 00:17:10,147
No! That's wrong isn't?
307
00:17:10,203 --> 00:17:12,671
Sir, sir.
It's the Met.
308
00:17:12,906 --> 00:17:16,155
The Met?
The Metropolitan Police?
309
00:17:16,218 --> 00:17:18,601
No sir, the Metropolitan
Water and Sewage Authority.
310
00:17:18,757 --> 00:17:20,999
Of course the Metropolitan Police.
They want you.
311
00:17:21,031 --> 00:17:23,562
It's those parking fines.
I told Tina to pay 'em.
312
00:17:23,587 --> 00:17:25,116
Well, she can take the rap.
313
00:17:25,171 --> 00:17:27,639
No, sir. They want to meet with you,
to discuss the game.
314
00:17:27,664 --> 00:17:29,609
They want to liaise.
315
00:17:37,031 --> 00:17:39,773
The Met want to liaise with me.
316
00:17:40,780 --> 00:17:43,022
Well, it's not a big deal, is it?
317
00:17:43,109 --> 00:17:46,023
Bit of liaising, so what?
I do it all the time.
318
00:17:46,257 --> 00:17:49,491
You ask him to hold, will you?
I'm just going to put on my tie.
319
00:17:51,989 --> 00:17:54,734
Oh, please take a seat, your ma'amship.
320
00:17:54,758 --> 00:17:57,203
Oh, come on, Raymond.
321
00:17:57,227 --> 00:17:59,238
It's Chrissy in private.
322
00:17:59,262 --> 00:18:02,565
Oh, that is most kind
your-your Chrissyship.
323
00:18:07,071 --> 00:18:09,148
This fixture against Chelsea,
324
00:18:09,172 --> 00:18:12,552
it's quite simply the biggest thing
that's ever happened to Gasforth.
325
00:18:12,576 --> 00:18:14,854
And it could not have
come at better time.
326
00:18:14,878 --> 00:18:18,524
You are aware of our "Relocate
in Gasforth" media campaign?
327
00:18:18,548 --> 00:18:21,561
Oh, I am indeed, yes.
I've seen the posters,
328
00:18:21,585 --> 00:18:25,588
"Gasforth, it's not
as bad as you think."
329
00:18:26,081 --> 00:18:30,605
We are going all out to persuade
big companies to set-up in our area.
330
00:18:30,630 --> 00:18:33,925
Gasforth already makes
Taiwanese micro-computers,
331
00:18:33,950 --> 00:18:37,825
Japanese virtual reality software,
at British cloths specs.
332
00:18:38,060 --> 00:18:40,564
But we can do better.
333
00:18:40,589 --> 00:18:44,069
Britain is poised to become
the sweatshop of Europe.
334
00:18:44,093 --> 00:18:46,565
And Gasforth cannot
afford to be left behind.
335
00:18:46,589 --> 00:18:47,538
Well, no, indeed.
336
00:18:47,562 --> 00:18:49,507
We need profile.
337
00:18:49,531 --> 00:18:52,243
This F.A. Cup match is key.
338
00:18:52,267 --> 00:18:56,414
It will bring television, the press,
and thousands of people into the town.
339
00:18:56,438 --> 00:18:59,951
Win or lose, Gasforth is on the map.
340
00:18:59,975 --> 00:19:01,620
Your tea, ma'am.
341
00:19:01,644 --> 00:19:04,012
Put it on the desk and leave us.
342
00:19:06,682 --> 00:19:09,160
I didn't make you one, feely.
343
00:19:09,184 --> 00:19:11,596
Thought you were hot and
steaming enough already.
344
00:19:11,620 --> 00:19:14,298
Some biscuits, sergeant?
345
00:19:14,322 --> 00:19:16,300
If you offer her a custard cream
346
00:19:16,324 --> 00:19:18,459
perhaps she'll let you
look at her knickers.
347
00:19:21,329 --> 00:19:25,810
This will be Gasforth's big day.
348
00:19:25,834 --> 00:19:29,270
If anyone even looks as if they
might cause trouble, lock 'em up.
349
00:19:30,673 --> 00:19:32,250
If you pull it off, Raymond,
350
00:19:32,274 --> 00:19:35,654
if my big day goes without a hitch,
351
00:19:35,678 --> 00:19:37,622
I'm going to do something for you
352
00:19:37,646 --> 00:19:39,691
that I know you've always wanted.
353
00:19:39,715 --> 00:19:42,727
Your worship.
Can you mean...?
354
00:19:42,751 --> 00:19:45,163
I'm going to write to
the honors commission
355
00:19:45,187 --> 00:19:47,588
and recommend you for an M.B.E.
356
00:19:49,291 --> 00:19:50,902
An m-
357
00:19:50,926 --> 00:19:54,105
An m-m-m-m, an m-m-m-m,
358
00:19:54,129 --> 00:19:56,741
an m-an m-
359
00:19:56,765 --> 00:20:00,511
An m-m-m-m-Blimey.
360
00:20:00,535 --> 00:20:02,452
Raymond.
361
00:20:08,977 --> 00:20:10,912
- Raymond!
- Huh? Patricia!
362
00:20:12,581 --> 00:20:14,849
- Where am I?
- Raymond!
363
00:20:15,851 --> 00:20:17,384
Biscuits!
364
00:20:20,643 --> 00:20:23,578
Gladiators ready!
365
00:20:24,580 --> 00:20:26,725
Enter...
366
00:20:26,749 --> 00:20:29,083
Love Muscle.
367
00:20:33,989 --> 00:20:35,967
Ooh, Maggie. Maggie, Maggie
368
00:20:35,991 --> 00:20:38,069
maggie, come here. Come here.
369
00:20:38,093 --> 00:20:41,495
Okay, now, who am I? Who am I? Okay?
370
00:20:44,299 --> 00:20:46,444
Quack, quack, quack,
quack, quack, quack.
371
00:20:46,468 --> 00:20:49,037
Quack, quack, quack, wack, wack, wack.
372
00:20:51,239 --> 00:20:53,518
J. Nasty with a sore throat?
373
00:20:53,542 --> 00:20:55,643
Donald Duck.
374
00:20:58,814 --> 00:21:02,116
Oh, I do love this riot gear.
375
00:21:04,119 --> 00:21:07,799
Really Patricia, what a horrid
suspicious mind you have.
376
00:21:07,823 --> 00:21:10,468
There are any number of
perfectly innocent reasons
377
00:21:10,492 --> 00:21:13,160
why a man might put his
head up the mayoress' skirt.
378
00:21:14,763 --> 00:21:17,408
She promised to
recommend me for an M.B.E.
379
00:21:17,432 --> 00:21:20,278
Oh, well I hope she doesn't
try and get you knighted.
380
00:21:20,302 --> 00:21:22,513
I should probably find
you copulating together
381
00:21:22,537 --> 00:21:24,282
on the steps of the town hall!
382
00:21:24,306 --> 00:21:27,441
Really, Patricia, these
insinuations are unworthy of you.
383
00:21:27,742 --> 00:21:30,788
My relationship with the
mayoress is entirely respectable.
384
00:21:30,812 --> 00:21:33,358
Even when you've got your
face in her underwear?
385
00:21:33,382 --> 00:21:36,027
Particularly when I've got
my face in her underwear.
386
00:21:36,051 --> 00:21:37,461
Particularly.
387
00:21:37,485 --> 00:21:39,998
I think I've said all I
need to say on the subject.
388
00:21:40,022 --> 00:21:42,433
Can we kindly move on to another topic?
389
00:21:42,457 --> 00:21:44,358
All right. Right.
390
00:21:48,230 --> 00:21:50,441
I'm going to the bank at lunchtime.
391
00:21:50,465 --> 00:21:52,877
Can I get you anything from the shops?
392
00:21:52,901 --> 00:21:53,998
Ooh, hmmm.
393
00:21:54,022 --> 00:21:56,381
Some chocolates,
some flowers for the mayoress?
394
00:21:56,405 --> 00:21:59,166
Some blistick,
so your lips don't get
395
00:21:59,191 --> 00:22:01,742
chapped when you're
next kissing her bottom?
396
00:22:07,549 --> 00:22:11,029
Our job on match day will be
to police the Gasforth crowd.
397
00:22:11,053 --> 00:22:15,400
The metropolitan police will, of course,
be in charge of the Chelsea supporters,
398
00:22:15,424 --> 00:22:19,170
and a nasty bunch of ill-mannered
yobbos they are bound to be.
399
00:22:19,194 --> 00:22:21,239
I anticipate quite appalling behavior.
400
00:22:21,263 --> 00:22:24,875
I think you're being prejudiced, sir.
Most supporters are genuine fans.
401
00:22:24,899 --> 00:22:26,806
I wasn't talking about
the supporters, Habib,
402
00:22:26,831 --> 00:22:30,081
I was talking about
the Metropolitan police.
403
00:22:30,105 --> 00:22:34,485
The idea of Gasforth being awash with
London officers fills me with dread.
404
00:22:34,509 --> 00:22:36,887
Swaggering about the place,
405
00:22:36,911 --> 00:22:39,180
calling each other "My son"...
406
00:22:41,049 --> 00:22:44,262
and saying that things
have gone a bit pear-shaped.
407
00:22:44,286 --> 00:22:48,232
We of the Gasforth constabulary will
be as smart as a bowl of cornflakes.
408
00:22:48,256 --> 00:22:51,902
I shall not have any of that
London police behavior around here.
409
00:22:51,926 --> 00:22:54,195
Right, you lot. Shut it!
410
00:22:55,330 --> 00:22:58,009
Strewth, Fowler, my son,
411
00:22:58,033 --> 00:23:00,834
it all looks a bit
pear-shaped round here or what?
412
00:23:02,004 --> 00:23:04,382
The guvnor's talking.
413
00:23:04,406 --> 00:23:07,385
Saturday's game, very dodgy.
414
00:23:07,409 --> 00:23:10,754
Very naughty. Could go
a little bit pear-shaped.
415
00:23:10,778 --> 00:23:13,557
If there's a ruck, things
might get, well, iffy.
416
00:23:13,581 --> 00:23:17,428
These faces are a little
bit hard. Know what I mean?
417
00:23:17,452 --> 00:23:19,730
A little bit-ufff!
Have some of that, my son.
418
00:23:19,754 --> 00:23:21,966
Bosh, salty, ta-ta.
419
00:23:21,990 --> 00:23:24,058
Got me? So be clever.
420
00:23:25,060 --> 00:23:27,305
Good. Now shut it!
421
00:23:27,329 --> 00:23:31,675
Inspector Grim, in recognition
of our multilingual society,
422
00:23:31,699 --> 00:23:35,613
the modern force boasts officers
trained in any number of languages.
423
00:23:35,637 --> 00:23:39,417
But not, I fear, complete idiot.
424
00:23:39,441 --> 00:23:46,457
Funny, tres droll. You're a
comedian, my son, that I do not think.
425
00:23:46,481 --> 00:23:50,028
I've been liaising with
some geezers at the met,
426
00:23:50,052 --> 00:23:52,430
pooling our intelligence.
427
00:23:52,454 --> 00:23:55,866
Goodness, between you, you
must have made an imbecile.
428
00:23:55,890 --> 00:23:57,958
Shut it, you slag!
429
00:23:59,994 --> 00:24:01,972
- Boyle, my son.
- Guvnor.
430
00:24:01,996 --> 00:24:05,015
Let's go, go, go,
before things get pear-shaped.
431
00:24:05,039 --> 00:24:06,496
Sorted.
432
00:24:07,536 --> 00:24:09,603
And, you lot, shut it!
433
00:24:11,273 --> 00:24:16,220
C.I.D., not so much out of
the blue as out of their minds.
434
00:24:16,244 --> 00:24:19,539
Now, to business, and
to Gasforth's big day.
435
00:24:19,564 --> 00:24:22,443
Now, as you can see, her
majesty has seen to it
436
00:24:22,467 --> 00:24:26,145
that we are fully equipped for the
worst-case scenario of riot control.
437
00:24:26,170 --> 00:24:28,348
So, if you could put your
helmets on, everybody...
438
00:24:28,372 --> 00:24:31,174
I thought you'd never ask.
439
00:24:32,277 --> 00:24:34,255
Hey, Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, shall I?
440
00:24:34,279 --> 00:24:35,990
Quack, quack, quack, shall I do it?
441
00:24:36,014 --> 00:24:37,548
- No. No.
- No, not now.
442
00:24:38,734 --> 00:24:43,331
Now the ideal is not to
employ force, but intimidation.
443
00:24:43,355 --> 00:24:46,867
We wish to subdue the hooligan
before he becomes violent.
444
00:24:46,891 --> 00:24:50,637
We can achieve this by setting up
a rhythmic beating on our shields,
445
00:24:50,662 --> 00:24:54,007
such as to strike terror
into the hearts of the enemy,
446
00:24:54,031 --> 00:24:58,979
as once did the Zulus- an adversary
the British army truly appreciated.
447
00:24:59,003 --> 00:25:02,015
I'm not surprised. The
Zulus had rhythmic beating,
448
00:25:02,039 --> 00:25:03,784
the British had field artillery.
449
00:25:03,808 --> 00:25:06,153
I bet they appreciated it.
450
00:25:06,177 --> 00:25:09,490
All right, Habib. Just because
something is morally inexcusable
451
00:25:09,514 --> 00:25:12,493
does not stop it being a cherished
part of the national fabric.
452
00:25:12,517 --> 00:25:14,651
Look at the walnut whip.
453
00:25:16,721 --> 00:25:18,098
Now, the rhythm I had in mind,
454
00:25:18,122 --> 00:25:21,001
was ra-ta-ta,
ra-ta-ta, ra-ta-tah.
455
00:25:21,025 --> 00:25:23,203
Ra-ta-ta, ra-ta-ta, ra-ta-tah.
456
00:25:23,227 --> 00:25:24,605
All right, try it.
457
00:25:24,629 --> 00:25:26,897
And ra-ta-ta,
ra-ta-ta, ra-ta-tah.
458
00:25:29,233 --> 00:25:31,912
Goody, Goody. Can't you
keep a simple rhythm?
459
00:25:31,936 --> 00:25:34,448
No, sir, I'm hopeless.
460
00:25:34,472 --> 00:25:36,851
I need a metronome to brush my teeth.
461
00:25:36,875 --> 00:25:39,687
Sir, sir. I think it will help
462
00:25:39,711 --> 00:25:41,589
if we put some words to the rhythm, sir.
463
00:25:41,613 --> 00:25:43,257
How about, um...
464
00:25:43,281 --> 00:25:46,059
Pat-a-cake,
Pat-a-cake, baker's man.
465
00:25:46,083 --> 00:25:48,161
Pat-a-cake,
Pat-a-cake, baker's man.
466
00:25:48,185 --> 00:25:49,897
Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake-
467
00:25:49,921 --> 00:25:52,466
- Good idea. Goody, will that help?
- I think so, sir.
468
00:25:52,490 --> 00:25:54,435
Right, okay. After me.
469
00:25:54,459 --> 00:25:57,838
And, Pat-a-cake,
Pat-a-cake, baker's man.
470
00:25:57,862 --> 00:26:00,574
Good, excellent. All
right, form up. Form up.
471
00:26:00,598 --> 00:26:04,144
Now, prepare to intimidate the
enemy with rhythmic beating.
472
00:26:04,168 --> 00:26:06,847
And, Pat-a-cake,
Pat-a-cake, baker's man.
473
00:26:06,871 --> 00:26:09,683
- Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake, baker's man.
- Turn!
474
00:26:09,707 --> 00:26:13,310
Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake, baker's man.
Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake, baker's man.
475
00:26:14,479 --> 00:26:16,757
Halt! Excellent. Well done, everybody.
476
00:26:16,781 --> 00:26:19,627
That should scare the socks off them.
477
00:26:19,651 --> 00:26:22,329
After we've subdued them
with Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake,
478
00:26:22,353 --> 00:26:24,998
we can give them a chorus
of baa baa blacksheep.
479
00:26:25,022 --> 00:26:28,035
That will really make
them fill their trousers.
480
00:26:28,059 --> 00:26:30,304
You think we ought to
toughen up our chant?
481
00:26:30,328 --> 00:26:33,741
Either that or hire ourselves
out for children's parties.
482
00:26:33,765 --> 00:26:36,477
How about, bugger off,
bugger off, stupid prat?
483
00:26:36,501 --> 00:26:38,979
- Bugger off, bugger off, stupid prat?
- No!
484
00:26:39,003 --> 00:26:42,883
I will not have my officers employing
gutter language rhythmically in public.
485
00:26:42,907 --> 00:26:47,387
- Sorry.
- What about go away, go away, naughty men?
486
00:26:47,411 --> 00:26:49,857
If the Zulu's had called
Michael Caine a naughty man
487
00:26:49,881 --> 00:26:53,060
he would have laughed so hard he
would have irrigated the veldt.
488
00:26:53,084 --> 00:26:55,830
Maybe we should change
the rhythm a bit, sir.
489
00:26:55,854 --> 00:26:58,165
If you don't move along boom-boom,
490
00:26:58,189 --> 00:27:00,668
I'm gonna stick this baton, boom boom,
491
00:27:00,692 --> 00:27:02,636
where the sun don't shine, boom boom.
492
00:27:02,660 --> 00:27:05,105
I've got one. I've
got one. I've got one.
493
00:27:05,129 --> 00:27:08,843
What's the difference between you lot,
494
00:27:08,867 --> 00:27:12,035
and a bucket of sick?
495
00:27:14,071 --> 00:27:15,772
The bucket.
496
00:27:17,008 --> 00:27:18,986
No, we should be tougher.
497
00:27:19,010 --> 00:27:21,421
Come and have a go if you
think you're hard enough.
498
00:27:21,445 --> 00:27:23,384
Come and have a go if you
think you're hard enough.
499
00:27:23,408 --> 00:27:25,410
How about:
Up yours - dog breath.
500
00:27:25,434 --> 00:27:26,868
Up yours - dog breath.
501
00:27:26,893 --> 00:27:30,086
- Up yours - dog breath.
- Up yours - dog breath.
502
00:27:40,893 --> 00:27:43,271
- You want me to get them off?
- Yeah!
503
00:27:43,295 --> 00:27:44,529
Right!
504
00:27:46,331 --> 00:27:48,166
You're all under arrest.
505
00:27:50,536 --> 00:27:53,682
It's all going pear-shaped, Boyle.
506
00:27:53,706 --> 00:27:55,817
Where are the naughty faces?
507
00:27:55,841 --> 00:27:59,420
The iffy, dodgy, nancy poncies?
508
00:27:59,444 --> 00:28:02,524
How can I face my muckers at scotters,
509
00:28:02,548 --> 00:28:06,494
when I've yet to bang even
one slag in the slammer?
510
00:28:06,518 --> 00:28:09,264
Could I have done more?
511
00:28:09,288 --> 00:28:11,667
Could I have gone deeper undercover?
512
00:28:11,691 --> 00:28:13,468
No way, sir.
513
00:28:13,492 --> 00:28:15,904
You have taken your
bobble hat off all week.
514
00:28:15,928 --> 00:28:18,707
And wool makes my forehead itch.
515
00:28:18,731 --> 00:28:21,810
All right, lads. Tomorrow,
516
00:28:21,834 --> 00:28:23,979
those Chelsea scum are dust.
517
00:28:24,003 --> 00:28:26,237
But we stick with the plan, all right?
518
00:28:27,873 --> 00:28:30,909
Sorted, my son.
519
00:28:35,948 --> 00:28:37,666
Yes, madam.
520
00:28:38,073 --> 00:28:40,713
No, seargeant,
you were absolutely right to arrest them.
521
00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:43,651
I will not stand for sexual
intimidation of that sort.
522
00:28:43,676 --> 00:28:47,892
- It's abusive and threatening behaviour.
- Yes, it's flippin' well is.
523
00:28:47,955 --> 00:28:52,073
Just imagine if it'd been the mayoress
going to the bank instead of just you.
524
00:28:52,581 --> 00:28:56,294
I'm sorry, madam, there
are no grounds for police action.
525
00:28:56,318 --> 00:28:58,252
Goodbye.
526
00:28:59,354 --> 00:29:00,732
What was that, Habib?
527
00:29:00,756 --> 00:29:03,568
Just a cantankerous complainer
from Colchester Crescent.
528
00:29:03,592 --> 00:29:05,670
Complains about something every day.
529
00:29:05,694 --> 00:29:08,673
Yesterday, it was the
pelican crossing beeping.
530
00:29:08,697 --> 00:29:11,877
I think she wanted me to
arrest the little green man.
531
00:29:11,901 --> 00:29:16,114
Tonight it's a party. Some lads celebrating
Gasforth winning the F.A. Cup already.
532
00:29:16,138 --> 00:29:19,851
Great grumbling
grommets, Habib. A party?
533
00:29:19,875 --> 00:29:22,353
Supposing the mayoress heard the row?
534
00:29:22,377 --> 00:29:25,457
Or an important trade
delegation from southeast asia?
535
00:29:25,481 --> 00:29:27,459
Bring those naughty carousers in.
536
00:29:27,483 --> 00:29:29,394
But, sir, it's only 7:00 in the evening.
537
00:29:29,418 --> 00:29:32,564
It's 2:00 in the
morning in Kuala Lumpur.
538
00:29:32,588 --> 00:29:35,734
Bring them in. Bring
them in and lock them up.
539
00:29:35,758 --> 00:29:38,292
Lock them all up! Lock everyone up!
540
00:29:52,641 --> 00:29:55,487
I forgot my truncheon.
541
00:29:55,511 --> 00:29:59,424
Gasforth offers cheap labor, long hours,
542
00:29:59,448 --> 00:30:03,829
no unions, no minimum
wage, no job security,
543
00:30:03,853 --> 00:30:06,164
and a maximum 5-minute lunch break.
544
00:30:06,188 --> 00:30:10,291
That's a very attractive
package for any foreign investor.
545
00:30:10,400 --> 00:30:15,681
Also, included as an
incentive is free child labour.
546
00:30:15,706 --> 00:30:18,767
Centrally funded via the
youth training scheme.
547
00:30:18,792 --> 00:30:21,660
Yes, yes. But when
does the football begin?
548
00:30:22,997 --> 00:30:25,608
Uh, the kick-off is at 3:00, sir.
549
00:30:25,632 --> 00:30:27,777
That is the tradition in our country.
550
00:30:27,801 --> 00:30:31,147
I know when a bloody football
match starts, constable plod.
551
00:30:31,171 --> 00:30:33,239
But it's 3:20 now.
552
00:30:36,943 --> 00:30:41,976
Your worship, I'm afraid we're
going to have to forfeit the game.
553
00:30:42,001 --> 00:30:43,409
What?
554
00:30:43,433 --> 00:30:45,210
None of our players have turned up.
555
00:30:45,234 --> 00:30:47,379
It's incomprehensible.
556
00:30:47,403 --> 00:30:49,381
They were all fine yesterday.
557
00:30:49,405 --> 00:30:51,383
Bazzer, Gazzer, and Bazzer
558
00:30:51,407 --> 00:30:53,052
were at work on the building site
559
00:30:53,076 --> 00:30:55,505
next to the bank, as usual.
560
00:30:55,529 --> 00:30:58,355
Bazzer, Bazzer, Gazzer,
and Simon the captain
561
00:30:58,380 --> 00:31:01,465
were having a strategy
meeting at the pizza hole
562
00:31:01,490 --> 00:31:04,747
and Gazzer, Gazzer, and Gazzer
were having a bit of a party
563
00:31:04,771 --> 00:31:06,983
and a sing-song round at Bazzer's house
564
00:31:07,007 --> 00:31:10,820
in Colchester Crescent. I simply cannot
imagine what has happening to them.
565
00:31:10,844 --> 00:31:13,023
- Now listen-
- No football? I'm going.
566
00:31:13,047 --> 00:31:15,291
No, no, please. Please, wait.
567
00:31:15,315 --> 00:31:17,227
We'll have a dual carriageway
568
00:31:17,251 --> 00:31:19,885
that runs all the way to
the Sainsbury superstore.
569
00:31:21,755 --> 00:31:25,201
When I find out who's responsible
for the team not turning up-
570
00:31:25,225 --> 00:31:27,527
Raymond, I want you to-
571
00:31:28,662 --> 00:31:31,341
Raymond!
572
00:31:31,365 --> 00:31:33,666
Raymond!
43039
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.