Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,912 --> 00:00:04,424
Good evening, everybody.
2
00:00:04,448 --> 00:00:06,007
These days it seems
3
00:00:06,032 --> 00:00:09,630
people will do almost
anything to get on television:
4
00:00:09,654 --> 00:00:15,502
stand behind news reporters
mouthing, "Hello, mom"
5
00:00:15,526 --> 00:00:18,805
Deliberately buy yogurts that
are past their sell-by date
6
00:00:18,829 --> 00:00:21,875
so they can complain to Anne Robinson,
7
00:00:21,899 --> 00:00:26,647
or video their pets being knocked
unconscious by garden swings
8
00:00:26,671 --> 00:00:30,049
in the hope that the producer
of "You've Been Framed"
9
00:00:30,073 --> 00:00:32,619
Will believe it to be spontaneous.
10
00:00:32,643 --> 00:00:35,722
Fame is the spur.
11
00:00:35,746 --> 00:00:38,858
But fame, as we shall see,
12
00:00:38,882 --> 00:00:42,262
is like an oven-ready
frozen meal for one-
13
00:00:42,286 --> 00:00:46,489
Not as nice as it looks.
14
00:00:48,492 --> 00:00:50,560
Excuse me.
15
00:00:55,599 --> 00:00:57,611
I've been looking though the number
16
00:00:57,635 --> 00:00:59,879
of firearm certificates you've issued
17
00:00:59,903 --> 00:01:01,848
in the last couple of years, Fowler.
18
00:01:01,872 --> 00:01:04,851
Ah, yes, I think you'll find it
comes to a goodly round number.
19
00:01:04,875 --> 00:01:07,053
Yes, it does- none.
20
00:01:07,077 --> 00:01:09,790
That's right- no more, no less.
21
00:01:09,814 --> 00:01:12,759
92 sponsored applications,
22
00:01:12,783 --> 00:01:15,228
- none accepted.
- That is correct.
23
00:01:15,252 --> 00:01:17,096
Including the bloke I sponsored.
24
00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:21,100
Or more accurately, particularly
the bloke you sponsored.
25
00:01:21,124 --> 00:01:24,126
He is the chief todger of my lodge.
26
00:01:25,529 --> 00:01:27,374
If I can't swing him a permit,
27
00:01:27,398 --> 00:01:29,976
I'm gonna look a right
dicky doo-dah, aren't I?
28
00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:32,078
I do not approve firearms applications
29
00:01:32,102 --> 00:01:36,049
in order to prevent you
from looking a dicky doo-dah.
30
00:01:36,073 --> 00:01:39,152
Besides which, I could issue the
fellow a cruise missile permit,
31
00:01:39,176 --> 00:01:41,511
and you would still look
like a dicky doo-dah.
32
00:01:42,946 --> 00:01:44,891
It is not within my power to prevent you
33
00:01:44,915 --> 00:01:46,860
from looking like a dicky doo-dah.
34
00:01:46,884 --> 00:01:50,353
Only god or a large bag could do that.
35
00:01:52,356 --> 00:01:55,535
It is your job to vet the applications.
36
00:01:55,559 --> 00:01:57,270
You're supposed to ask questions
37
00:01:57,294 --> 00:02:00,674
to find out who's a
suitable person to own a gun.
38
00:02:00,698 --> 00:02:02,976
That's right. Surely the
first question must be,
39
00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:05,379
- does that person wish to own a gun?
- Of course.
40
00:02:05,403 --> 00:02:07,247
And if the answer to that is yes,
41
00:02:07,271 --> 00:02:09,983
then clearly that person
is not suitable to have one.
42
00:02:10,007 --> 00:02:13,052
This is the nanny state gone mad.
43
00:02:13,076 --> 00:02:14,888
What, because I don't happen to think
44
00:02:14,912 --> 00:02:16,690
that a man who lives in a suburban semi
45
00:02:16,714 --> 00:02:18,792
needs an automatic weapon?
46
00:02:18,816 --> 00:02:20,794
He's a sportsman.
47
00:02:20,818 --> 00:02:23,486
Then tell him to buy
a pair of plimsolls.
48
00:02:25,255 --> 00:02:27,233
Sport? Sport?
49
00:02:27,257 --> 00:02:30,059
When did you last see
a wild boar in Gasforth?
50
00:02:31,061 --> 00:02:32,338
Or an elk?
51
00:02:32,362 --> 00:02:36,042
If you did, dispatching
it with a spear or an arrow
52
00:02:36,066 --> 00:02:38,044
would be sport.
53
00:02:38,068 --> 00:02:41,281
But deploying an elk-seeking
missile is just cheating.
54
00:02:41,305 --> 00:02:44,951
This is a civil liberties issue.
55
00:02:44,975 --> 00:02:48,611
You are denying my todger his rights.
56
00:02:49,980 --> 00:02:51,558
And what about the rights of those
57
00:02:51,582 --> 00:02:53,927
who do not wish to live
next to an armed man?
58
00:02:53,951 --> 00:02:57,697
Particularly one who attends
weekly secret meetings
59
00:02:57,721 --> 00:03:01,835
in which he puts on a dress and
kisses a dead turkey's bottom?
60
00:03:01,859 --> 00:03:06,629
We only kiss the turkey's
bottom on special occasions.
61
00:03:07,898 --> 00:03:10,310
Normally we might do
with a chicken nugget.
62
00:03:10,334 --> 00:03:14,314
I am talking about the
rights of the individual here,
63
00:03:14,338 --> 00:03:17,717
which I consider secondary to
those of the community as a whole.
64
00:03:17,741 --> 00:03:19,920
This town is a human nest.
65
00:03:19,944 --> 00:03:22,322
If you were an ant,
would you consider it
66
00:03:22,346 --> 00:03:24,658
A matter of hymenopterous
civil liberties
67
00:03:24,682 --> 00:03:27,026
that a socially dysfunctional worker ant
68
00:03:27,050 --> 00:03:29,362
be allowed to keep a pet anteater?
69
00:03:29,386 --> 00:03:33,633
If it were securely muzzled
and tethered, yes, I would.
70
00:03:33,657 --> 00:03:36,903
Then clearly you are quite mad, Grim.
71
00:03:36,927 --> 00:03:38,528
Good day.
72
00:03:48,372 --> 00:03:51,307
Did you see "Crimewatch
U.K." on the telly last night?
73
00:03:53,310 --> 00:03:55,455
God, it was good.
74
00:03:55,479 --> 00:03:58,859
Sometimes when I'm
watching, I think, "ooooh,
75
00:03:58,883 --> 00:04:03,363
that looks so exciting,
I wish I was a copper."
76
00:04:03,387 --> 00:04:05,298
And then I remember I am one,
77
00:04:05,322 --> 00:04:07,223
which is so silly, isn't it?
78
00:04:07,357 --> 00:04:09,685
- Get on with your work, boy.
- Yes, yes.
79
00:04:15,179 --> 00:04:17,625
I love Jill Dando.
80
00:04:18,375 --> 00:04:21,195
She can take down my
particulars any time she likes.
81
00:04:22,156 --> 00:04:25,086
So serious, so firm.
82
00:04:25,492 --> 00:04:27,031
Lovely jackets.
83
00:04:27,774 --> 00:04:31,461
You know, I don't know what she does to
the crooks; but she certainly scares me.
84
00:04:31,507 --> 00:04:36,437
Yes, I afriaid the fact of the matter is:
Crime is so much better on the television.
85
00:04:36,524 --> 00:04:39,536
I don't approve of this
current broadcasting trend
86
00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:42,873
that turns police work and video
surveillance into entertainment.
87
00:04:42,897 --> 00:04:45,009
Actors train for years
88
00:04:45,033 --> 00:04:47,244
to get the chance to
appear on the television.
89
00:04:47,268 --> 00:04:49,213
But why do they bother?
90
00:04:49,237 --> 00:04:52,482
Just steal one and you'll
be on the following night.
91
00:04:52,506 --> 00:04:55,820
I remember when there were
other things on the television-
92
00:04:55,844 --> 00:04:58,722
Grumpy scottish doctors
93
00:04:58,746 --> 00:05:01,425
and dictionary games,
94
00:05:01,449 --> 00:05:04,128
those marvelous royal
variety extravaganzas
95
00:05:04,152 --> 00:05:07,564
with puppeteers from Prague who you
weren't supposed to be able to see
96
00:05:07,588 --> 00:05:10,434
because they wore black jumpers.
97
00:05:10,458 --> 00:05:13,670
Timeless stuff.
Clean, wholesome-
98
00:05:13,694 --> 00:05:17,741
- Boring.
- Yes, perhaps slightly boring.
99
00:05:17,765 --> 00:05:19,376
I confess I normally made a cup of tea
100
00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:21,979
when those greek men who jump
onto each other's shoulders
101
00:05:22,003 --> 00:05:25,716
and end up standing on top of one
another in a great big pile were on.
102
00:05:25,740 --> 00:05:30,054
But it just made Cliff
Richard's bit even better.
103
00:05:30,078 --> 00:05:34,725
It's no good harking back to
the past like a sad old gitzer.
104
00:05:34,749 --> 00:05:37,661
Tv's changed. People like police shows.
105
00:05:37,685 --> 00:05:39,696
But they're so predictable.
106
00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:41,698
There's always the two officers.
107
00:05:41,722 --> 00:05:44,034
They don't get on, then they do get on.
108
00:05:44,058 --> 00:05:47,371
One of them's fat and gruff,
the other one's thin and posh.
109
00:05:47,395 --> 00:05:50,540
One's a sad old drunk, the
other one's a health fanatic.
110
00:05:50,564 --> 00:05:52,943
One of them's a woman,
the other one's a martian.
111
00:05:52,967 --> 00:05:56,780
One of them has four heads, the
other one's allergic to heads.
112
00:05:56,804 --> 00:06:00,584
If there were as many police officers
on the beat as there are on television,
113
00:06:00,608 --> 00:06:03,487
the country wouldn't
be in the state it's in.
114
00:06:03,511 --> 00:06:06,456
These TV twits should come
along to a real station
115
00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:08,181
and see what it's actually like.
116
00:06:10,018 --> 00:06:13,063
Great goggling googlies,
sergeant, whatever is the matter?
117
00:06:13,087 --> 00:06:14,831
We're going to be on the telly.
118
00:06:14,855 --> 00:06:17,868
Calm yourself, sergeant.
What is this nonsense?
119
00:06:17,892 --> 00:06:20,337
- This fax came for you-
- a fax for me, sergeant?
120
00:06:20,361 --> 00:06:22,873
Yes... then I presume
you do not know its contents.
121
00:06:22,897 --> 00:06:25,642
Of course I do, I always read your mail.
122
00:06:25,666 --> 00:06:28,612
At home. At home you do, sergeant.
123
00:06:28,636 --> 00:06:30,414
But at work you
wouldn't dream of reading
124
00:06:30,438 --> 00:06:32,950
the private communications
of your commanding officer.
125
00:06:32,974 --> 00:06:35,108
Oh, all right, have it your own way.
126
00:06:36,411 --> 00:06:38,522
What's in your fax, Raymond?
127
00:06:38,546 --> 00:06:40,780
I wonder if it's something exciting.
128
00:06:42,417 --> 00:06:45,052
Good lord, we're going
to be on the television.
129
00:06:46,454 --> 00:06:48,966
The chief constable has
been approached by the BBC
130
00:06:48,990 --> 00:06:50,968
to do a fly-on-the-wall
documentary
131
00:06:50,992 --> 00:06:52,469
about a police station.
132
00:06:52,493 --> 00:06:54,871
He wants to know if we'd
agree for it to be ours.
133
00:06:54,895 --> 00:06:57,641
Now this needs some very
careful consideration.
134
00:06:57,665 --> 00:06:59,643
For the time being, I think it'd be best
135
00:06:59,667 --> 00:07:02,779
if we didn't tell C.I.D.,
because you know what'll happen.
136
00:07:02,803 --> 00:07:09,320
Derek Grim of Gasforth
C.I.D., come on down!
137
00:07:09,344 --> 00:07:13,657
- Just as I feared.
- Have you heard, Fowler? We are gonna be stars.
138
00:07:13,681 --> 00:07:18,151
Limos, posh birds, no more
queuing at Sainsbury's.
139
00:07:20,221 --> 00:07:23,233
I reckon we should cut a single.
Starsky and Hutch did it, didn't they?
140
00:07:23,257 --> 00:07:27,071
♪ Come on, silver lady, take me home. ♪
141
00:07:27,095 --> 00:07:30,841
And Kojak, he had a bash-
♪ if a picture paints ♪
142
00:07:30,865 --> 00:07:33,010
♪ a thousand words ♪
143
00:07:33,034 --> 00:07:36,480
♪ then why can't I paint you? ♪
144
00:07:36,504 --> 00:07:38,815
Look, be quiet, everyone, be quiet.
145
00:07:38,839 --> 00:07:41,885
Starsky and Hutch and Kojak
were fictitious policemen.
146
00:07:41,909 --> 00:07:44,355
The BBC want to make a documentary...
147
00:07:44,379 --> 00:07:47,691
not "Gasforth P.D. Blue."
148
00:07:47,715 --> 00:07:50,861
The whole purpose is to
show policing in the raw.
149
00:07:50,885 --> 00:07:53,987
Huh! Do you mean nude policing?
150
00:07:55,390 --> 00:07:58,535
Now, we have to give this
very careful consideration.
151
00:07:58,559 --> 00:08:02,239
This type of documentary
can ruin people's lives.
152
00:08:02,263 --> 00:08:04,341
There are countless examples of people
153
00:08:04,365 --> 00:08:06,343
opening themselves up to the camera,
154
00:08:06,367 --> 00:08:08,612
only to discover that
the subsequent exposure
155
00:08:08,636 --> 00:08:11,048
leaves them lost, empty and bewildered.
156
00:08:11,072 --> 00:08:14,151
Now think about it, seriously,
157
00:08:14,175 --> 00:08:16,753
do we really want to bring
that kind of confusion
158
00:08:16,777 --> 00:08:19,846
and heartache on ourselves?
159
00:08:21,215 --> 00:08:24,627
Yeah, definitely.
160
00:08:24,651 --> 00:08:27,764
So I want it, you know, business-like.
Because I'm a police officer,
161
00:08:27,788 --> 00:08:30,700
it's gotta be totally
sensible, severe almost,
162
00:08:30,724 --> 00:08:33,971
you know, practical and
absolutely no-nonsense.
163
00:08:33,995 --> 00:08:39,343
But also, I'd like it just
a little bit... Really sexy.
164
00:08:39,367 --> 00:08:42,312
You know what I mean?
Just a hint of ravishing.
165
00:08:42,336 --> 00:08:44,814
A nod towards drop-dead bunkable.
166
00:08:44,838 --> 00:08:48,852
So you got that? Sensible,
no-nonsense, absolutely gorgeous.
167
00:08:48,876 --> 00:08:51,454
That'll do for me too.
168
00:08:51,478 --> 00:08:54,114
Yes, and me.
169
00:09:00,854 --> 00:09:03,000
Boyle-
170
00:09:03,024 --> 00:09:05,358
Do you reckon my face is a bit saggy?
171
00:09:07,061 --> 00:09:10,207
I mean, go on, tell me the
truth, absolutely honestly-
172
00:09:10,231 --> 00:09:12,409
As a mate. What do you think?
173
00:09:12,433 --> 00:09:17,948
Well, you know... No, not really.
174
00:09:17,972 --> 00:09:20,183
Oh, come on, don't pull your punches.
175
00:09:20,207 --> 00:09:22,352
Give it to me absolutely straight.
176
00:09:22,376 --> 00:09:24,654
Is it a bit saggy?
177
00:09:24,678 --> 00:09:27,157
Maybe just a touch.
178
00:09:27,181 --> 00:09:30,928
Well, thank you very much.
179
00:09:30,952 --> 00:09:35,088
Blooming charming! That really
helps my confidence, that does.
180
00:09:36,757 --> 00:09:39,702
I'm fat. I'm grotesque.
181
00:09:39,726 --> 00:09:43,506
- No.
- I look like I'm resting my jaw
182
00:09:43,530 --> 00:09:46,232
on a stack of crumpets.
183
00:09:47,634 --> 00:09:53,984
I am a vast, unsightly,
wobbling mound of lard.
184
00:09:54,008 --> 00:09:56,753
I can't do it, Boyle. I
simply can't face the cameras.
185
00:09:56,777 --> 00:09:58,755
Sir, you look lovely, superb shape.
186
00:09:58,779 --> 00:10:01,458
- The girls'll go potty.
- Do you really think so?
187
00:10:01,482 --> 00:10:03,660
- Honestly?
- No question.
188
00:10:03,684 --> 00:10:05,352
Birds love a slap head.
189
00:10:08,922 --> 00:10:11,534
- A slap head?
- Like you were saying, sir,
190
00:10:11,558 --> 00:10:14,560
Kojak. The girls'll be queuing
up to lick your lollypop.
191
00:10:16,730 --> 00:10:19,176
I'll tell you what, if you're
worried about your chin,
192
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:22,179
there's a couple tricks I learned
off a bird of mine who was in telly.
193
00:10:22,203 --> 00:10:25,248
I never knew you had a
girlfriend in TV, Boyle.
194
00:10:25,272 --> 00:10:28,251
- Oh, yes, sir. She was a stroker.
- A stoker?
195
00:10:28,275 --> 00:10:31,088
No, sir, a stroker- on
"Sale of the Century."
196
00:10:31,112 --> 00:10:34,247
She used to have to stand there
in a bikini and stroke the prizes.
197
00:10:36,217 --> 00:10:38,061
Lovely she was.
198
00:10:38,085 --> 00:10:40,930
I used to watch her every
Saturday, stroking stuff-
199
00:10:40,954 --> 00:10:44,368
Sets of cookware, crystal decanters,
200
00:10:44,392 --> 00:10:46,326
lawnmowers.
201
00:10:47,761 --> 00:10:50,930
That girl could stroke anything
you put in front of her.
202
00:10:52,699 --> 00:10:55,212
- How did we get onto that?
- Yes, sir, I was telling you,
203
00:10:55,236 --> 00:10:57,047
little trick of the trade- light.
204
00:10:57,071 --> 00:10:59,016
That is the secret to
looking good on the box.
205
00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:00,517
Gotta get light under your chin.
206
00:11:00,541 --> 00:11:02,552
Otherwise you'll get
a shadow in the crease
207
00:11:02,576 --> 00:11:04,721
where your great big
wobbly flap of fat is.
208
00:11:04,745 --> 00:11:06,956
How am I gonna get light
under me chin, Boyle?
209
00:11:06,980 --> 00:11:09,326
Stand on me head? The
light's are on the ceiling.
210
00:11:09,350 --> 00:11:11,928
For instance, sir, you've
got a mirror there, right?
211
00:11:11,952 --> 00:11:14,097
There's light coming
through the window, right?
212
00:11:14,121 --> 00:11:16,833
When the camera's near, slip
the mirror onto your desk,
213
00:11:16,857 --> 00:11:19,269
chin over it, bosh,
under lit, beautiful.
214
00:11:19,293 --> 00:11:21,961
There you go, you've lost
a couple of pounds already.
215
00:11:27,134 --> 00:11:29,279
Ah, that's the way, Gladstone.
216
00:11:29,303 --> 00:11:31,915
We'll show those communists from the BBC
217
00:11:31,939 --> 00:11:33,917
that despite the pernicious influence
218
00:11:33,941 --> 00:11:36,119
of their puerile police dramas,
219
00:11:36,143 --> 00:11:39,255
the british bobby still believes
in the very highest of standards.
220
00:11:39,279 --> 00:11:42,693
You know, sir, I was nearly
in show business once before.
221
00:11:42,717 --> 00:11:46,763
Oh yes, my mother was very pushy.
222
00:11:46,787 --> 00:11:50,366
I suppose all moms think
their kids are beautiful,
223
00:11:50,390 --> 00:11:52,402
but the interesting thing is, sir,
224
00:11:52,426 --> 00:11:54,293
I actually was.
225
00:11:55,395 --> 00:11:58,108
A gorgeous little fellow-
226
00:11:58,132 --> 00:12:00,777
Big eyes, big smile,
227
00:12:00,801 --> 00:12:03,880
- chubby little cheeks.
- Yes, I think I get the idea.
228
00:12:03,904 --> 00:12:07,350
And the purest of pure soprano voices.
229
00:12:07,374 --> 00:12:10,487
I could curdle milk while
it was still in the cow, sir.
230
00:12:10,511 --> 00:12:12,689
Mmm-hmm. Anyway,
231
00:12:12,713 --> 00:12:16,559
one day Radio Trinidad
advertised for a boy soprano.
232
00:12:16,583 --> 00:12:18,695
It was my big chance, sir.
233
00:12:18,719 --> 00:12:22,132
The whole street turned out
to see me get on the bus.
234
00:12:22,156 --> 00:12:26,837
"Young Frank Gladstone going
to be a star," they said.
235
00:12:26,861 --> 00:12:29,362
And I would've been but for two things.
236
00:12:29,563 --> 00:12:30,997
And what were they?
237
00:12:31,999 --> 00:12:34,100
My testicles, sir.
238
00:12:35,586 --> 00:12:38,732
They dropped on the
way to the auditions.
239
00:12:38,756 --> 00:12:41,935
I still believe that if
that road had been tarmacked,
240
00:12:41,959 --> 00:12:44,771
I would've got away with it.
241
00:12:44,795 --> 00:12:47,174
I was going to sing "oh,
for the wings of a dove."
242
00:12:47,198 --> 00:12:49,833
I had to give them
"old man river" instead.
243
00:12:55,106 --> 00:12:56,917
The BBC not here yet?
244
00:12:56,941 --> 00:12:59,119
Good. There was a terrible
queue at the chemist's
245
00:12:59,143 --> 00:13:01,811
but I thought the occasion
warranted a new comb.
246
00:13:03,547 --> 00:13:06,159
Patricia, have you got nits?
247
00:13:06,183 --> 00:13:08,595
No, I haven't got nits!
248
00:13:08,619 --> 00:13:11,832
I've had my hair done. I'm
trying to look nice for the telly.
249
00:13:11,856 --> 00:13:14,500
Patricia, the whole
point of this exercise
250
00:13:14,524 --> 00:13:16,136
is to show us as we are.
251
00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:18,928
What sort of example are you
setting to the constables?
252
00:13:20,998 --> 00:13:23,110
Great gobs of gastric gas, Habib,
253
00:13:23,134 --> 00:13:24,477
what are you thinking of?
254
00:13:24,501 --> 00:13:27,848
- What?
- Your legs, your legs, you naughty girl!
255
00:13:27,872 --> 00:13:30,383
They have no business being here.
256
00:13:30,407 --> 00:13:33,620
- Get rid of them.
- It's an image thing, sir.
257
00:13:33,644 --> 00:13:35,578
It's about personal empowerment.
258
00:13:35,629 --> 00:13:37,874
It's about me being
the me I want me to be.
259
00:13:37,898 --> 00:13:40,043
Unless I'm very much
mistaken, constable,
260
00:13:40,067 --> 00:13:42,078
you're talking complete donkey twaddle.
261
00:13:42,102 --> 00:13:44,714
I am not talking donkey twaddle, sir.
262
00:13:44,738 --> 00:13:47,117
I have an obligation to be a role model,
263
00:13:47,141 --> 00:13:50,643
to show young girls that being
a strong and in-control woman,
264
00:13:50,744 --> 00:13:53,556
does not mean denying
my essential femininity.
265
00:13:53,580 --> 00:13:54,724
Or to put it another way,
266
00:13:54,748 --> 00:13:56,559
you want to look nice on the television.
267
00:13:56,583 --> 00:13:58,929
I think it's my duty, sir,
268
00:13:58,953 --> 00:14:00,530
as a feminist.
269
00:14:00,554 --> 00:14:03,099
Really, what has got
into you girls today?
270
00:14:03,123 --> 00:14:05,402
Vanity, thy name is woman!
271
00:14:05,426 --> 00:14:08,461
You will spend your next
break taking your skirt down.
272
00:14:12,466 --> 00:14:14,544
Ah, constable Goody.
273
00:14:14,568 --> 00:14:17,047
Good morning to you, sir.
274
00:14:17,071 --> 00:14:19,161
At least you've come to
work looking respectable.
275
00:14:19,185 --> 00:14:20,806
Why thank you.
276
00:14:30,317 --> 00:14:33,129
Evening all- detective
constable cool,
277
00:14:33,153 --> 00:14:37,590
TV's sex cop, always
ready to get on the job.
278
00:14:39,193 --> 00:14:41,127
Sir-
279
00:14:43,197 --> 00:14:45,442
Sir, you think it's all right
280
00:14:45,466 --> 00:14:48,034
if I wore my father's
Trinidad police dress uniform?
281
00:14:49,299 --> 00:14:51,660
Well,
it is part of the Commonwealth after all.
282
00:14:51,685 --> 00:14:53,634
Now listen to me, all of you-
283
00:14:53,659 --> 00:14:57,251
This is a serious documentary
about serious police work.
284
00:14:57,275 --> 00:15:01,149
I will not tolerate these vain,
unworthy attempts to attract the camera.
285
00:15:01,174 --> 00:15:04,220
We will present ourselves as God made us
286
00:15:04,244 --> 00:15:06,189
and as the queen expects.
287
00:15:06,213 --> 00:15:09,448
What's "Grey Away," Raymond?
288
00:15:12,185 --> 00:15:13,963
Um...
289
00:15:13,987 --> 00:15:16,699
"Grey Away"? I have no idea.
290
00:15:16,723 --> 00:15:19,102
"Looking a bit grey?
291
00:15:19,126 --> 00:15:21,737
Feeling a bit old?
292
00:15:21,761 --> 00:15:26,942
New 'Grey Away' will make
you look 10 years younger."
293
00:15:26,966 --> 00:15:30,846
Good lord, I must've picked
up someone else's bag at boots.
294
00:15:30,870 --> 00:15:32,715
Good lordy-lord.
295
00:15:32,739 --> 00:15:35,441
Good lordy, lordy,
doo-dah ding dong day.
296
00:15:37,144 --> 00:15:40,112
I'll take it back at lunchtime.
297
00:15:50,257 --> 00:15:53,192
Messages, Habib?
298
00:15:57,531 --> 00:16:00,466
Well, it was just a thought!
299
00:16:17,317 --> 00:16:19,262
The BBC!
300
00:16:19,286 --> 00:16:21,230
They're here! They're here!
301
00:16:21,254 --> 00:16:24,033
♪ Another opening, another show. ♪
302
00:16:24,057 --> 00:16:26,669
Five minutes, please.
303
00:16:26,693 --> 00:16:29,606
I'm going out a constable,
but I'm coming back a star.
304
00:16:29,630 --> 00:16:31,997
I can't go on!
305
00:16:33,199 --> 00:16:34,944
Do it for the troops, kid.
306
00:16:34,968 --> 00:16:37,847
Do you really think I
can dance, Mr. Weinfeld?
307
00:16:37,871 --> 00:16:40,583
Follow the yellow brick road. ♪
Follow the yellow brick road- ♪
308
00:16:40,607 --> 00:16:42,285
Be quiet, you idiotic youth,
309
00:16:42,309 --> 00:16:45,121
or I shall send you home and you
won't be on television at all.
310
00:16:45,145 --> 00:16:47,914
- Yes, sir, I'm sorry.
- Go and tell them I'll be straight out.
311
00:16:48,415 --> 00:16:51,016
Knock 'em dead, kid.
312
00:17:07,584 --> 00:17:10,051
Ah, good afternoon.
313
00:17:11,087 --> 00:17:12,198
I'm sorry?
314
00:17:12,222 --> 00:17:14,652
Good afternoon.
315
00:17:14,775 --> 00:17:16,942
Bob Tough, director.
316
00:17:18,212 --> 00:17:21,691
Inspector Fowler... Inspector.
317
00:17:21,715 --> 00:17:24,261
Right, we don't exist.
318
00:17:24,285 --> 00:17:27,679
We are not here. You are unaware of us.
319
00:17:27,704 --> 00:17:31,250
We go where we please,
we shoot what we please.
320
00:17:31,274 --> 00:17:34,554
If you feel you wish to explain what
you're doing, by all means do so.
321
00:17:34,578 --> 00:17:36,923
- Understood?
- Perfectly.
322
00:17:36,947 --> 00:17:38,858
- Perfectly.
- Good. Roll camera.
323
00:17:38,882 --> 00:17:42,461
♪ Old man river... ♪
324
00:17:42,485 --> 00:17:44,787
Be quiet, Gladstone. Be quiet!
325
00:17:48,425 --> 00:17:51,738
So now let's just forget
these television people
326
00:17:51,762 --> 00:17:53,640
and set about our business.
327
00:17:53,664 --> 00:17:55,808
Gladstone put those juggling balls away.
328
00:17:55,832 --> 00:17:59,211
Now the knife and weapons
amnesty which we've been running
329
00:17:59,235 --> 00:18:01,037
has been at least a partial success.
330
00:18:01,779 --> 00:18:03,780
A hacksaw blade...
331
00:18:05,709 --> 00:18:08,120
A corkscrew
332
00:18:08,144 --> 00:18:10,122
and a vicious pair of toenail clippers
333
00:18:10,146 --> 00:18:11,880
have already been handed in.
334
00:18:11,905 --> 00:18:14,037
And I've brought this in, inspector.
335
00:18:14,068 --> 00:18:15,903
It's a Swiss-army pen-knife.
336
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:17,442
Ah, well done, Goody.
337
00:18:17,615 --> 00:18:20,834
Confuscated from some
juvenile nedwel no doubt.
338
00:18:20,935 --> 00:18:22,865
Oh no, sir.
That is mine.
339
00:18:23,287 --> 00:18:26,990
That was a birthday present.
And I've brought these in for you as well.
340
00:18:28,060 --> 00:18:30,451
It's six butter knives.
341
00:18:33,169 --> 00:18:37,489
Now, my mum says that you can have the
spoons and the forks as well, if you like,
342
00:18:37,513 --> 00:18:40,233
because the plastic handles
crack in the dishwaher. Sir there you go.
343
00:18:41,810 --> 00:18:46,521
Goody, when I asked you to be on the lookout
for knives, I didn't mean any old knives.
344
00:18:46,546 --> 00:18:49,435
I meant those belonging
to the criminal classes.
345
00:18:49,816 --> 00:18:51,340
Ooh!
346
00:18:51,763 --> 00:18:54,498
I thought this was some
sort of blue peter appeal.
347
00:18:55,315 --> 00:18:57,226
Knife amnesties are
a waste of time, sir.
348
00:18:57,250 --> 00:18:58,795
They're just publicity stunts.
349
00:18:58,819 --> 00:19:01,765
I will not have you belittling
our achievement, Habib.
350
00:19:01,789 --> 00:19:04,668
This corkscrew could
cause a very nasty wound.
351
00:19:04,692 --> 00:19:07,537
So could a gas cooker, sir, if
you dropped it on someone's head.
352
00:19:07,561 --> 00:19:10,674
Perhaps you should have a
kitchen appliances amnesty, sir.
353
00:19:10,698 --> 00:19:13,143
Now listen here, you naughty-
354
00:19:13,167 --> 00:19:15,679
Goody, have you got gum in your mouth?
355
00:19:15,703 --> 00:19:17,947
No, sir, just pretending to chew.
356
00:19:17,971 --> 00:19:21,484
I wanna look tough for the cameras.
357
00:19:21,508 --> 00:19:24,420
Now you be careful with
these media people, Goody.
358
00:19:24,444 --> 00:19:27,390
They're all smiles until they pounce.
359
00:19:27,414 --> 00:19:30,316
I shall never forget going
along to "The Antiques Roadshow."
360
00:19:31,651 --> 00:19:33,797
When I slapped my family
jewels on the table
361
00:19:33,821 --> 00:19:35,121
the man just laughed.
362
00:19:37,457 --> 00:19:40,392
I'd been up all night
polishing them as well.
363
00:19:41,729 --> 00:19:43,873
Deceitful and underhand the lot of them.
364
00:19:43,897 --> 00:19:45,341
I know their game.
365
00:19:45,365 --> 00:19:48,144
Those trotskyite BBC swine
366
00:19:48,168 --> 00:19:49,645
will have to get up pretty early
367
00:19:49,669 --> 00:19:52,015
to catch me with my trousers down.
368
00:19:52,039 --> 00:19:53,583
Have you got a twitch, Goody?
369
00:19:53,607 --> 00:19:55,585
No sir, I just think
you should be careful.
370
00:19:55,609 --> 00:19:57,087
Oh oh, don't you worry, boy.
371
00:19:57,111 --> 00:19:59,355
I've got the measure of
those pernicious snakes.
372
00:19:59,379 --> 00:20:02,458
Sir, they're probably
very nice people, sir.
373
00:20:02,482 --> 00:20:04,728
No, don't you be fooled, Gladstone.
374
00:20:04,752 --> 00:20:06,963
Debauched dimwits, the lot of them.
375
00:20:06,987 --> 00:20:10,133
They could be anywhere,
sir. They're very sneaky.
376
00:20:10,157 --> 00:20:12,202
Ha! After years of gorging themselves
377
00:20:12,226 --> 00:20:15,605
on vast lunches at the
license payers' expense,
378
00:20:15,629 --> 00:20:18,274
you can smell their beer-soaked
379
00:20:18,298 --> 00:20:19,843
tobacco-raddled,
380
00:20:19,867 --> 00:20:23,169
meat-and-pudding
flatulence at 100 yards.
381
00:20:28,108 --> 00:20:31,077
At least, that's what I'd heard.
382
00:20:47,327 --> 00:20:49,728
Very quiet ride, this.
383
00:20:51,731 --> 00:20:53,966
Very quiet indeed.
384
00:20:55,803 --> 00:20:58,948
Normally, our time
would be a blur-
385
00:20:58,972 --> 00:21:02,285
A blur of drugs,
386
00:21:02,309 --> 00:21:04,287
violence,
387
00:21:04,311 --> 00:21:07,556
pornography, illicit sex.
388
00:21:07,580 --> 00:21:09,670
Course sometimes we
have to do a bit of work as well.
389
00:21:09,694 --> 00:21:11,818
Shut up, Boyle.
390
00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:16,799
We've received a phone call
from a concerned neighbor.
391
00:21:16,823 --> 00:21:18,400
An elderly gentlemen lives here.
392
00:21:18,424 --> 00:21:20,536
The curtains haven't
been opened for a few days
393
00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:22,461
and he may be in need of assistance.
394
00:21:23,763 --> 00:21:26,342
Tango, oscar, bravo,
395
00:21:26,366 --> 00:21:29,745
um... Do re mi fa so la ti do.
396
00:21:29,769 --> 00:21:32,348
Approaching house. Old
git inside could be dead.
397
00:21:32,372 --> 00:21:34,442
Will investigate, over.
398
00:21:34,467 --> 00:21:37,553
Will you please
shut up, constable Goody?
399
00:21:37,577 --> 00:21:40,022
Great guys. Such joshes.
400
00:21:40,046 --> 00:21:42,925
Now the old gentleman may be
timid and fearful of strangers.
401
00:21:42,949 --> 00:21:44,426
I myself am highly trained,
402
00:21:44,450 --> 00:21:47,296
but if you could perhaps
step to one side of the door?
403
00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:49,966
No, I think actually the
other side's my best side.
404
00:21:49,990 --> 00:21:52,368
- Thanks.
- Right, standing to one side now,
405
00:21:52,392 --> 00:21:55,505
purpose,
to avoid scaring silly old sod to death
406
00:21:55,529 --> 00:21:57,106
if not popped clogs already.
407
00:21:57,130 --> 00:21:59,174
Tango, uh... Jemma.
408
00:21:59,198 --> 00:22:03,045
Angels 1-5, bandits
at 6:00, dive, dive!
409
00:22:03,069 --> 00:22:05,114
- Shut up, Goody!
- Kevin, shut up.
410
00:22:05,138 --> 00:22:06,509
Right, shutting up now.
411
00:22:06,533 --> 00:22:08,317
Now you get to the
side with the camera crew.
412
00:22:08,341 --> 00:22:10,185
I don't want you messing up my shot.
413
00:22:10,209 --> 00:22:13,322
I mean, we don't want the bloke
getting nervous with too many coppers.
414
00:22:13,346 --> 00:22:16,281
Yes, you're right. Suppose I
am a pretty intimidating sight.
415
00:22:17,617 --> 00:22:19,762
Hello sir, we've had a phone call.
416
00:22:19,786 --> 00:22:22,097
I believe... no,
I wanted a nurse.
417
00:22:22,121 --> 00:22:25,034
Sir, I've been highly
trained, perhaps I can help.
418
00:22:25,058 --> 00:22:27,603
Oh yeah, all right, you'll do.
419
00:22:27,627 --> 00:22:31,140
Looks like you've got lovely
big 'uns under that uniform.
420
00:22:31,164 --> 00:22:32,508
There's no call for that.
421
00:22:32,532 --> 00:22:35,745
Mr. Opleton! Mr. Opleton.
422
00:22:35,769 --> 00:22:37,479
I'm from "Love Passion Massage."
423
00:22:37,503 --> 00:22:39,615
I'm afraid
you're too late, love.
424
00:22:39,639 --> 00:22:42,184
I've decided to have the police woman.
425
00:22:42,208 --> 00:22:43,853
I think there's been a misunderstanding.
426
00:22:43,877 --> 00:22:48,090
I'd love to have you both, but
I can't afford to on my pension.
427
00:22:48,114 --> 00:22:50,192
Can we have it off now, please?
428
00:22:50,216 --> 00:22:53,151
Oh-hoo! I'll just get my teeth out.
429
00:22:54,754 --> 00:22:57,355
Surprisingly quiet day, this.
430
00:23:10,369 --> 00:23:12,181
Grim required.
431
00:23:12,205 --> 00:23:15,317
Excuse me.
432
00:23:15,341 --> 00:23:18,153
Diamond theft...
433
00:23:18,177 --> 00:23:21,457
Drug deal... Major bank robbery...
434
00:23:21,481 --> 00:23:26,462
Grim required, Grim required.
435
00:23:26,486 --> 00:23:28,297
Must have -
436
00:23:28,321 --> 00:23:30,537
Must have inspector Grim.
437
00:23:32,025 --> 00:23:34,336
Did you hear that,
Boyle? Let's go, go, go!
438
00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:36,161
Go where, sir?
439
00:23:37,563 --> 00:23:40,933
Grim responding- wilco, bravo...
440
00:23:42,435 --> 00:23:44,413
- Um...
- Vinto?
441
00:23:44,437 --> 00:23:46,304
Vinto!
442
00:23:49,509 --> 00:23:52,177
Well, we're only a small town station...
443
00:23:53,562 --> 00:23:54,740
but in the modern age,
444
00:23:54,764 --> 00:23:58,543
we face all the problems
of a big city, really.
445
00:23:58,567 --> 00:24:01,013
Oh yes, policing a town like Gasforth
446
00:24:01,037 --> 00:24:03,315
is no longer just a question
447
00:24:03,339 --> 00:24:06,252
of making sure people have
lights on their bicycles.
448
00:24:06,276 --> 00:24:08,620
Sir, here are three more
449
00:24:08,644 --> 00:24:11,757
bicycle bylaw infringements, sir.
450
00:24:11,781 --> 00:24:14,101
Right, Gladstone.
Just put them on the desk.
451
00:24:14,126 --> 00:24:15,928
Yes, sir.
452
00:24:15,952 --> 00:24:18,164
Oh sir, there is one other matter.
453
00:24:18,188 --> 00:24:20,882
One of our police dogs has got no nose.
454
00:24:25,561 --> 00:24:28,130
Well, that can't be right.
455
00:24:28,396 --> 00:24:29,934
How does he smell?
456
00:24:29,959 --> 00:24:31,834
Terrible.
457
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:35,904
Gladstone!
458
00:24:39,584 --> 00:24:41,663
I've been a very gad goy.
459
00:24:41,687 --> 00:24:44,488
Yes, you have been a very gad goy.
460
00:24:45,523 --> 00:24:49,293
I mean bad boy.
461
00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:55,626
These television people
have driven this station mad.
462
00:24:55,650 --> 00:24:58,629
Thank goodness you at least
have maintained your sanity.
463
00:24:58,653 --> 00:25:00,221
Can you pass the duty log, please?
464
00:25:04,259 --> 00:25:09,607
Right, that's it, the BBC
are leaving immediately.
465
00:25:09,631 --> 00:25:12,376
I heard there was a
television crew here today.
466
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:14,045
I want to get on telly.
467
00:25:14,069 --> 00:25:16,680
Oh really? And what is
to be your contribution
468
00:25:16,704 --> 00:25:19,383
to this great democracy of television?
469
00:25:19,407 --> 00:25:21,786
Perhaps you've grown
a rude-shaped turnip?
470
00:25:21,810 --> 00:25:25,256
I've got this!
471
00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:27,759
Where's the telly people?
472
00:25:27,783 --> 00:25:30,728
Drugs, murder,
473
00:25:30,752 --> 00:25:32,730
prostitutes-
474
00:25:32,754 --> 00:25:36,233
Totally ordinary day this.
475
00:25:36,257 --> 00:25:38,235
It is a jungle out there.
476
00:25:38,259 --> 00:25:41,439
Not a real one, obviously-
a metaphorical jungle.
477
00:25:41,463 --> 00:25:43,173
But that is just as scary
478
00:25:43,197 --> 00:25:47,011
particularly if the
metaphorical lions and tigers
479
00:25:47,035 --> 00:25:48,780
are actually real armed villains.
480
00:25:48,804 --> 00:25:50,147
Yes, Grim.
481
00:25:50,171 --> 00:25:52,717
I wouldn't be surprised
if in the real jungle,
482
00:25:52,741 --> 00:25:55,352
the lions and tigers
weren't saying to each other,
483
00:25:55,376 --> 00:25:59,447
"It is Gasforth on a Friday
night out there, man."
484
00:26:01,450 --> 00:26:03,994
It's a-it's a real phone call.
485
00:26:04,018 --> 00:26:06,754
Hello, Grim.
486
00:26:07,923 --> 00:26:11,291
- Yeah, it's for you.
- Tough.
487
00:26:13,127 --> 00:26:15,773
Would you please hand over that weapon?
488
00:26:15,797 --> 00:26:17,708
I'm wearing the queen's trousers
489
00:26:17,732 --> 00:26:20,645
and I'm in danger of soiling them.
490
00:26:20,669 --> 00:26:23,047
Oh, you'll get it all right.
491
00:26:23,071 --> 00:26:25,072
Where's this camera then?
492
00:26:30,345 --> 00:26:33,925
Shoplifting, jaywalking-
493
00:26:33,949 --> 00:26:37,361
Inspector Grim, Raymond's in danger!
494
00:26:37,385 --> 00:26:39,931
There's an armed man at the front desk.
495
00:26:39,955 --> 00:26:43,835
An armed man- this is it!
496
00:26:43,859 --> 00:26:47,037
The sharp end at last.
497
00:26:47,061 --> 00:26:49,262
I'll unlock the gun cupboard.
498
00:26:51,399 --> 00:26:53,978
You lot, cover me with
the camera as I run in.
499
00:26:54,002 --> 00:26:56,246
Make sure you get my full expression
500
00:26:56,270 --> 00:26:58,583
as I shout, "police, freeze!"
501
00:26:58,607 --> 00:27:00,440
Boyle, you hold the torch.
502
00:27:01,877 --> 00:27:03,888
Do you think I should take off my shirt?
503
00:27:03,912 --> 00:27:05,623
Have you ever really thought
504
00:27:05,647 --> 00:27:08,359
about what television fame means, sir?
505
00:27:08,383 --> 00:27:11,095
Oh yes, it's fine for a while-
506
00:27:11,119 --> 00:27:14,966
You and your scatter
cushions in "Hello" magazine,
507
00:27:14,990 --> 00:27:18,202
the chance to talk publicly
about your dandruff.
508
00:27:18,226 --> 00:27:21,305
- Sounds pretty good, doesn't it?
- Oh yes.
509
00:27:21,329 --> 00:27:24,375
But then suddenly, the
tide turns against you.
510
00:27:24,399 --> 00:27:28,969
Suddenly, Richard and Judy are
no longer taking your calls.
511
00:27:29,070 --> 00:27:31,348
You find yourself in carpet warehouses
512
00:27:31,372 --> 00:27:33,651
shouting, "open new years day."
513
00:27:33,675 --> 00:27:37,221
And then just when you thought
you could sink no lower,
514
00:27:37,245 --> 00:27:39,890
you appear at the door of Noel's mansion
515
00:27:39,914 --> 00:27:41,859
in crinkley bottom.
516
00:27:41,883 --> 00:27:45,963
- Is that what you want?
- Oh, no, no!
517
00:27:45,987 --> 00:27:48,622
Then hand over the gun.
518
00:27:54,896 --> 00:27:58,331
Freeze! Freeze! Freeze!
519
00:27:59,668 --> 00:28:02,947
The crisis is over,
Grim. I talked him round.
520
00:28:02,971 --> 00:28:06,350
Oh, that's a rusty old service revolver,
521
00:28:06,374 --> 00:28:08,318
it's completely harmless.
522
00:28:08,342 --> 00:28:11,255
Yes, I dug it out with
my root vegetables.
523
00:28:11,279 --> 00:28:14,725
I thought I might hand it
into your weapons amnesty.
524
00:28:14,749 --> 00:28:18,362
I thought I might get
featured on the news.
525
00:28:18,386 --> 00:28:20,965
A non-functioning firearm!
526
00:28:20,989 --> 00:28:24,001
And I took my shirt
off for that. Blimey!
527
00:28:24,025 --> 00:28:27,271
Still, you couldn't have known, Fowler.
528
00:28:27,295 --> 00:28:29,439
I can't deny you showed a lot of bottle.
529
00:28:29,463 --> 00:28:33,911
You were incredible,
Raymond, and on TV too.
530
00:28:33,935 --> 00:28:35,546
You'll be a hero.
531
00:28:35,570 --> 00:28:37,915
Oh no really, I'd far
rather no fuss was made,
532
00:28:37,939 --> 00:28:39,216
honestly, it's-
533
00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:41,952
You're in luck, we didn't get any of it.
534
00:28:41,976 --> 00:28:45,222
Inspector Grim insisted on
us covering him exclusively.
535
00:28:45,246 --> 00:28:48,059
Oh. Oh well, never mind.
536
00:28:48,083 --> 00:28:51,261
It's probably for the best. Um...
537
00:28:51,285 --> 00:28:54,965
unless you'd like to do it again, sir?
538
00:28:54,989 --> 00:28:56,667
For the cameras?
539
00:28:56,691 --> 00:28:58,736
Oh yes, please.
540
00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:00,938
Yes. Yes, he'd like to do it again.
541
00:29:00,962 --> 00:29:03,407
- Yes, he'd like to do it again.
- And then after that,
542
00:29:03,431 --> 00:29:07,868
I could show you my
disgustingly-shaped turnip.
42217
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.