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Good evening, everybody.
2
00:00:06,412 --> 00:00:09,624
Even our greatest and
most revered institutions
3
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are mixtures of good and bad.
4
00:00:13,639 --> 00:00:15,701
Those who have had to
rummage through the remnants
5
00:00:15,726 --> 00:00:18,131
of the Christmas tin of Quality street
6
00:00:18,865 --> 00:00:20,490
will vouch for the truth in that.
7
00:00:20,779 --> 00:00:23,380
Nothing is without fault.
8
00:00:24,693 --> 00:00:28,566
Even police officers
are, as we shall see,
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00:00:28,591 --> 00:00:32,659
like the lottery
predictions of Mystic Meg,
10
00:00:32,684 --> 00:00:35,473
not completely infallible.
11
00:00:55,429 --> 00:00:57,218
Three months, Boyle,
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00:00:57,243 --> 00:01:01,422
three months we've had this vile
drug pusher under surveillance.
13
00:01:01,447 --> 00:01:03,259
I hope you got a good
shot of him this time.
14
00:01:04,470 --> 00:01:05,962
There you go, sir.
15
00:01:07,079 --> 00:01:11,493
Oh yes, oh yes, this is the swine.
16
00:01:11,518 --> 00:01:15,119
Look at him. A bit
blurred, but I can tell,
17
00:01:15,166 --> 00:01:19,126
that is a classic disgrace to humanity.
18
00:01:19,151 --> 00:01:22,141
Shifty, ugly, inadequate-
19
00:01:22,166 --> 00:01:23,666
Hang on-
actually that's you, sir.
20
00:01:23,691 --> 00:01:25,941
Remember, you walked
in front of the camera
21
00:01:25,966 --> 00:01:27,394
just when I had the bloke.
22
00:01:27,730 --> 00:01:29,675
Anyway, here he is, I've got him.
23
00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:31,589
And this is him?
24
00:01:31,614 --> 00:01:33,973
- Definitely?
- Oh, definitely.
25
00:01:36,762 --> 00:01:41,526
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes, this is him.
26
00:01:41,551 --> 00:01:43,449
I can tell, you see.
27
00:01:43,474 --> 00:01:45,324
Sixth sense I've got.
28
00:01:45,871 --> 00:01:47,550
Sometimes seventh.
29
00:01:48,745 --> 00:01:50,644
Possibly even eighth.
30
00:01:51,855 --> 00:01:53,478
We know it's him, Boyle.
31
00:01:53,503 --> 00:01:56,572
We've seen in dealing
we've seen him scoring.
32
00:01:56,666 --> 00:01:59,523
We've got any amount of
circumstantial evidence,
33
00:01:59,548 --> 00:02:02,956
but we still haven't
caught his red hands
34
00:02:02,981 --> 00:02:05,450
in an open-and-shut till.
35
00:02:06,556 --> 00:02:09,756
Of course, evidence
can be found, can't it?
36
00:02:09,959 --> 00:02:12,273
That's what we've been trying
to do for months, Boyle.
37
00:02:13,087 --> 00:02:15,079
Yes, sir, but when I say found,
38
00:02:15,104 --> 00:02:18,265
I mean "found" in inverted commas.
39
00:02:19,695 --> 00:02:24,593
- Oh I see, "found" in inverted commas.
- Yeah...
40
00:02:26,675 --> 00:02:29,366
Where's that, then?
41
00:02:29,390 --> 00:02:33,070
Now, what I wish to discuss today
42
00:02:33,094 --> 00:02:35,372
are the new uniforms and equipment
43
00:02:35,396 --> 00:02:37,908
which the home office is
considering introducing.
44
00:02:37,932 --> 00:02:40,519
The police officers of tomorrow
will look very different.
45
00:02:41,178 --> 00:02:45,723
They'll be armed with long truncheons,
incapacitating pepper sprays
46
00:02:45,748 --> 00:02:48,564
there was a time, sir, when
the only weapon a copper needed
47
00:02:48,589 --> 00:02:50,481
was character and authority.
48
00:02:50,755 --> 00:02:52,288
Well let as much in what you say guys
49
00:02:52,818 --> 00:02:57,263
I remember as a young constable,
sir, I faced a man with a huge knife.
50
00:02:57,824 --> 00:02:59,638
And all I had to defend myself
51
00:02:59,663 --> 00:03:01,524
was character, character, character.
52
00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:04,131
And authority, authority, authority.
53
00:03:04,225 --> 00:03:06,917
- Yes, well...
- When I was a lad in Trinidad, sir,
54
00:03:06,967 --> 00:03:08,915
if you met a wild dog on the street,
55
00:03:08,965 --> 00:03:11,631
you never showed fear,
you stared it out.
56
00:03:12,430 --> 00:03:14,703
And what is a knife man sir
but a wild dog?
57
00:03:14,727 --> 00:03:15,753
So
58
00:03:16,112 --> 00:03:18,682
I fixed that young thug with a gaze
59
00:03:18,707 --> 00:03:20,279
and I walked straight up to him.
60
00:03:20,706 --> 00:03:22,135
"Give me the
knife, lad," I said.
61
00:03:22,203 --> 00:03:23,297
And did he?
62
00:03:23,609 --> 00:03:24,784
Oh yes, sir, he did.
63
00:03:25,362 --> 00:03:27,182
He stuck it in my shoulder.
64
00:03:29,145 --> 00:03:31,950
The dogs in Trinidad used
to bite me too, you know.
65
00:03:33,192 --> 00:03:34,806
Yes, well...
66
00:03:34,856 --> 00:03:36,116
Moving swiftly on.
67
00:03:36,166 --> 00:03:39,208
I think we should have
uniforms like L.A.P.D. have, sir.
68
00:03:39,233 --> 00:03:42,195
Really cool and hard and just
a little bit drop-dead sexy.
69
00:03:43,115 --> 00:03:46,505
It is not the function of a
police officer to look sexy.
70
00:03:47,818 --> 00:03:50,603
If it were, Sue Lawley
would be chief constable.
71
00:03:52,110 --> 00:03:55,413
It is the duty of a
policeman to look, um...
72
00:03:55,463 --> 00:03:58,860
- Dull and boring?
- Well exactly, Habib.
73
00:03:58,885 --> 00:04:01,239
If you were in distress,
who would you rather attend?
74
00:04:01,289 --> 00:04:02,567
An honest looking constable,
75
00:04:02,617 --> 00:04:04,875
or a member of the Chippendales?
76
00:04:05,394 --> 00:04:08,051
It depends, sir. There's
an especially bulgy one
77
00:04:08,076 --> 00:04:09,687
who wears leopard skin knickers.
78
00:04:09,737 --> 00:04:12,784
A constable in leopard skin knickers?
79
00:04:13,135 --> 00:04:15,982
- I never heard of such a thing.
- I used to go out with a D.C.
80
00:04:16,339 --> 00:04:19,245
who had a pair with a cartoon bull
on 'em that said, "horny beast."
81
00:04:19,295 --> 00:04:20,372
Quite frankly,
82
00:04:20,397 --> 00:04:23,209
he should have been prosecuted
under the trades descriptions act.
83
00:04:23,233 --> 00:04:24,811
Yes, all right, Habib, all right.
84
00:04:24,835 --> 00:04:26,378
Dearie, dearie me.
85
00:04:26,402 --> 00:04:28,915
Young girls today, you'd
make your mothers blush.
86
00:04:28,939 --> 00:04:31,718
Now, headquarters
have sent us an example
87
00:04:31,742 --> 00:04:33,786
of the proposed new uniform.
88
00:04:33,810 --> 00:04:35,855
And I have asked Goody
to model it for us.
89
00:04:35,879 --> 00:04:38,247
So, step forward constable Goody.
90
00:04:42,801 --> 00:04:44,793
Now, constable Goody is wearing
91
00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:47,985
a pilot-style tunic in
tough serviceable fabric
92
00:04:48,010 --> 00:04:49,468
gathered at the waist.
93
00:04:49,492 --> 00:04:53,508
There is also a utility
belt of attractive cowhide
94
00:04:53,533 --> 00:04:55,975
with cross stitching
picked out in beige.
95
00:04:55,999 --> 00:04:57,977
The undershirt is in soft white
96
00:04:58,001 --> 00:05:00,813
dralon polyester bri-nylon mix
97
00:05:00,837 --> 00:05:03,249
which is both functional and stylish.
98
00:05:03,273 --> 00:05:04,751
Goody-
99
00:05:04,775 --> 00:05:08,687
What in 12 types of quick-drying
cement are you doing?
100
00:05:08,711 --> 00:05:11,023
I'm doing precisely what
you told me to do, sir.
101
00:05:11,047 --> 00:05:13,893
I am being the model.
102
00:05:13,917 --> 00:05:15,828
You are a police officer, not a model
103
00:05:15,852 --> 00:05:18,944
and police officers do not mince,
104
00:05:18,994 --> 00:05:20,852
they stride. Now come on.
105
00:05:20,876 --> 00:05:23,188
Jaw firm, shoulders back,
106
00:05:23,212 --> 00:05:25,723
the buttocks clenched and stride.
107
00:05:25,747 --> 00:05:29,060
Come on, stride.
108
00:05:29,084 --> 00:05:31,820
Are you ill, boy? Are
you ill? I said stride.
109
00:05:33,289 --> 00:05:35,767
I am, I am, I'm trying to stride.
110
00:05:35,791 --> 00:05:38,960
If I clench my buttocks any
harder, I'll suck up my y-fronts.
111
00:05:40,529 --> 00:05:42,607
Pull yourself together, you foul youth.
112
00:05:42,631 --> 00:05:44,309
Now, come on, step this way.
113
00:05:44,333 --> 00:05:48,280
One, two, stride. One, two.
114
00:05:48,304 --> 00:05:50,916
I'm sorry, sir. It's this
sticky out bit on the baton,
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00:05:50,940 --> 00:05:52,907
keeps getting caught between my legs.
116
00:05:53,175 --> 00:05:56,721
If you can tear yourself away
from teaching your officers
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to walk in a straight line,
Raymond, I'd like a word.
118
00:06:00,254 --> 00:06:02,679
All right, Naomi, get back to your desk.
119
00:06:03,663 --> 00:06:07,242
Raymond, we are bringing
in Harry the spike.
120
00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:11,278
Harry the spike? Gasforth's
most notorious drug dealer?
121
00:06:11,550 --> 00:06:13,991
You mean you finally have
evidence for an arrest?
122
00:06:14,460 --> 00:06:17,347
Yeah, well... I
mean, when I say-
123
00:06:17,372 --> 00:06:19,487
Don't you worry about the evidence, sir.
124
00:06:19,512 --> 00:06:21,258
C.I.D. will handle that.
125
00:06:21,282 --> 00:06:22,378
Yeah that's right
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00:06:22,402 --> 00:06:26,347
all we need from you is a squad a plot
to get into Harry's place sharpish
127
00:06:26,371 --> 00:06:29,448
and you shall have it
Come on form up everybody quickly form up
128
00:06:30,153 --> 00:06:33,465
I am entrusting to you
the critical,
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00:06:33,936 --> 00:06:41,936
highly delicate task of front elevation
entry orifice obstruction displacement
130
00:06:42,129 --> 00:06:44,999
and for those of us who
do not speak fluent twit
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00:06:47,342 --> 00:06:49,490
Bashing the door down, sir.
132
00:06:49,717 --> 00:06:50,863
Ah, good.
133
00:06:50,888 --> 00:06:52,748
well the squad will assemble in ten minutes
134
00:06:52,772 --> 00:06:55,961
in the personnel
transportation facilitator.
135
00:06:55,986 --> 00:06:57,901
- What?
- The van.
136
00:07:07,871 --> 00:07:11,666
- Will you stop pushing?
- Let's go, go, go!
137
00:07:11,691 --> 00:07:13,580
Goody?
138
00:07:14,205 --> 00:07:16,574
You can't wear that uniform on duty.
139
00:07:16,599 --> 00:07:19,989
It's unofficial, it's got no
identification numbers, no insignia.
140
00:07:20,014 --> 00:07:21,538
Come on, Fowler!
141
00:07:21,588 --> 00:07:24,537
This is split-second stuff.
A highly-detailed,
142
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meticulously planned operation.
143
00:07:27,796 --> 00:07:30,917
I've done the brain work,
all you lot have got to do
144
00:07:30,967 --> 00:07:32,489
is knock the door down.
145
00:07:32,539 --> 00:07:34,765
Let's go, go, go, go, go, go.
146
00:07:34,790 --> 00:07:37,271
All right, follow him.
147
00:07:37,321 --> 00:07:40,456
- You'll change it the moment we get back.
- Yes I will.
148
00:07:40,481 --> 00:07:43,650
And charge!
149
00:07:47,950 --> 00:07:50,544
Mrs Spike, we have a search warrant.
150
00:07:50,594 --> 00:07:54,307
I'm not Mrs Spike, they live next door.
151
00:07:54,331 --> 00:07:55,832
Right!
152
00:08:00,204 --> 00:08:02,415
Well this is just getting boring.
153
00:08:02,439 --> 00:08:05,285
I mean couldn't you give
us some sort of a clue?
154
00:08:05,309 --> 00:08:08,722
Are we hot or cold?
155
00:08:08,746 --> 00:08:10,557
How about behind the cooker, Kevin?
156
00:08:10,581 --> 00:08:13,116
I don't think anyone's looked there.
157
00:08:14,284 --> 00:08:17,286
Oh, no, nothing I'm afraid.
158
00:08:18,856 --> 00:08:22,358
Just a carrier bag full of white powder.
159
00:08:23,861 --> 00:08:26,297
Flex and three and four
160
00:08:26,322 --> 00:08:27,811
and smile to the right
and three and four
161
00:08:27,835 --> 00:08:31,316
and come on, ladies,
step and smile-
162
00:08:31,902 --> 00:08:35,348
Oh, shut your face, you smug cow.
163
00:08:35,372 --> 00:08:37,383
Morning, morning.
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00:08:37,407 --> 00:08:39,485
Ah, there's nothing like a brisk walk
165
00:08:39,509 --> 00:08:41,922
up to the newsagent's
before one's tea and toast.
166
00:08:41,946 --> 00:08:44,091
Well, I say newsagent's
167
00:08:44,115 --> 00:08:47,828
when of course I mean
local pornographer.
168
00:08:47,852 --> 00:08:49,730
I'm surprised the man has any room
169
00:08:49,754 --> 00:08:52,465
for any newspapers or
sweets amongst all the copies
170
00:08:52,489 --> 00:08:55,635
of "massive mammaries" and "jumbo jugs"
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00:08:55,659 --> 00:08:58,138
Which he feels the need to stock.
172
00:08:58,162 --> 00:09:00,340
That used to be a
decent little corner shop
173
00:09:00,364 --> 00:09:02,375
which sold string.
174
00:09:02,399 --> 00:09:05,746
Any day now I expect to
find my chocolate frog
175
00:09:05,770 --> 00:09:09,005
replaced by caramel private parts,
176
00:09:10,274 --> 00:09:12,708
or a strawberry-flavoured lesbian.
177
00:09:14,544 --> 00:09:17,090
You seem rather out of sorts, cabbage.
178
00:09:17,114 --> 00:09:19,459
I'm useless and bloated.
179
00:09:19,483 --> 00:09:21,427
Oh what nonsense.
180
00:09:21,451 --> 00:09:23,329
Why, you're in just the right shape.
181
00:09:23,353 --> 00:09:25,198
It's kind of you to say so, Raymond.
182
00:09:25,222 --> 00:09:27,067
Well, I'm just being practical.
183
00:09:27,091 --> 00:09:29,625
The public like to see a bit
of fat on a desk sergeant.
184
00:09:31,962 --> 00:09:34,207
It reassures
them. Ah-
185
00:09:34,231 --> 00:09:37,510
Notorious drug dealer
caught by Gasforth police.
186
00:09:37,534 --> 00:09:40,213
Inspector Grim...
Constable Goody... Ah-
187
00:09:40,237 --> 00:09:42,949
Also present was inspector Fowler.
188
00:09:42,973 --> 00:09:46,887
These journalists, they do like to
make a meal of things, don't they?
189
00:09:46,911 --> 00:09:50,190
I'd far rather my name had
been left out of it altogether.
190
00:09:50,214 --> 00:09:53,093
One serves for honour, not glory.
191
00:09:53,117 --> 00:09:56,529
Well in that case, the cat's
poop tray needs relining.
192
00:09:56,553 --> 00:09:59,199
Yes, on second thoughts,
perhaps I'd better keep it
193
00:09:59,223 --> 00:10:01,168
you know, just for reference.
194
00:10:01,192 --> 00:10:04,337
I'll put it in a drawer
somewhere, I expect.
195
00:10:04,361 --> 00:10:06,729
Or perhaps in a frame.
196
00:10:11,309 --> 00:10:12,149
Well you know,
197
00:10:12,174 --> 00:10:14,174
one's efforts go unrewarded,
198
00:10:14,198 --> 00:10:16,598
it's a nice change to have
a little media support.
199
00:10:17,030 --> 00:10:20,009
Also present was intrepid
inspector Fowler.
200
00:10:20,034 --> 00:10:21,626
It didn't stay intrepid.
201
00:10:22,430 --> 00:10:23,430
Didn't?
202
00:10:23,550 --> 00:10:25,597
I rather thought it did.
203
00:10:25,729 --> 00:10:26,729
Oh well anyway,
204
00:10:26,921 --> 00:10:30,543
- what a celebration we had afterwards.
- I know, you told me.
205
00:10:30,593 --> 00:10:34,381
I got so merry, I could hardly
count the dots on my dominos.
206
00:10:34,431 --> 00:10:37,928
Such excitement, and we've
still got the court case to come.
207
00:10:37,953 --> 00:10:40,329
Oh Patricia, aren't you
happy? Aren't you thrilled?
208
00:10:40,379 --> 00:10:43,815
No, Raymond. I'm sorry, but
the way I feel this morning,
209
00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:47,376
I couldn't be happy and
thrilled if I was nibbling prozac
210
00:10:47,401 --> 00:10:50,169
from the crests of Tom
Cruise's naked buttocks.
211
00:10:54,431 --> 00:10:56,609
You don't look very happy today, sir.
212
00:10:56,633 --> 00:10:59,780
That third half of mackeson you
had last night taking its revenge?
213
00:10:59,804 --> 00:11:02,716
No, no, no. I was most careful.
214
00:11:02,740 --> 00:11:05,927
I drank eight pints of
water before retiring.
215
00:11:05,951 --> 00:11:09,231
No, it's sergeant Dawkins, she's
in one of her grumpies again.
216
00:11:09,255 --> 00:11:11,866
Every four weeks, as
regular as clockwork,
217
00:11:11,890 --> 00:11:15,036
she gets in this-
this sour mood.
218
00:11:15,060 --> 00:11:17,439
I just can't work it out.
219
00:11:17,463 --> 00:11:20,675
Well, sir, I think you should try
to be a bit more understanding,
220
00:11:20,699 --> 00:11:23,043
'cause it sounds to
me like it's her cycle.
221
00:11:23,068 --> 00:11:24,636
Oh.
222
00:11:25,804 --> 00:11:27,972
Oh, I expect that could be it.
223
00:11:28,852 --> 00:11:31,243
I'll ask if she wants
the saddle adjusting.
224
00:11:32,545 --> 00:11:34,924
You're lying, constable!
225
00:11:34,949 --> 00:11:37,326
The evidence you have
presented to support your case
226
00:11:37,350 --> 00:11:40,753
is so contemptibly
slight and circumstantial
227
00:11:40,778 --> 00:11:42,464
one is forced to wonder
whether it might be
228
00:11:42,488 --> 00:11:44,399
nothing more than a tissue of lies.
229
00:11:44,423 --> 00:11:46,641
A corrupt concoction. Well?
230
00:11:46,666 --> 00:11:47,666
Well?
231
00:11:52,898 --> 00:11:55,110
Goody-
232
00:11:55,134 --> 00:11:58,647
You are supposed to fix me
with a steady, manly stare,
233
00:11:58,671 --> 00:12:01,150
not snivel like a Frenchman
who's caught his baguette
234
00:12:01,174 --> 00:12:03,619
in his bicycle spokes.
235
00:12:03,643 --> 00:12:07,679
I can't help it, sir.
You're being so mean.
236
00:12:08,681 --> 00:12:10,592
Look, this is an exercise.
237
00:12:10,616 --> 00:12:12,427
Do you know what an exercise is?
238
00:12:12,451 --> 00:12:16,265
It's a sort of runny,
jumpy sort of thing.
239
00:12:16,289 --> 00:12:20,091
Not in this case. In this case
it is a practice, a rehearsal.
240
00:12:20,461 --> 00:12:22,237
We are pretending that
this is a courtroom,
241
00:12:22,261 --> 00:12:25,774
- and that I am a defence counsel.
- Perhaps if you had a wig, sir.
242
00:12:25,798 --> 00:12:29,211
- Well I haven't got a wig.
- I'll go get the mop from the ladies' loo.
243
00:12:29,235 --> 00:12:31,780
We could use the top of that.
It's short and gray.
244
00:12:31,804 --> 00:12:34,749
Look, I am not going to
conduct officer briefings
245
00:12:34,773 --> 00:12:37,052
dressed in a household utility.
246
00:12:37,076 --> 00:12:40,322
I'm sorry, sir. I just thought
it might help Kevin get it.
247
00:12:40,346 --> 00:12:42,391
I doubt constable Goody would get it.
248
00:12:42,415 --> 00:12:45,850
If it came in a large bag marked "it."
249
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,055
Oh well, I suppose we can
but try. Thank you, Habib.
250
00:12:51,369 --> 00:12:53,682
Now then, Goody, let me
explain one more time.
251
00:12:53,707 --> 00:12:55,970
- I think you'd better.
- I'm attempting to prepare you
252
00:12:55,994 --> 00:12:59,598
for the extreme and aggressive
tactics used by defence counsels.
253
00:12:59,864 --> 00:13:02,643
I am thinking in particular
of the man that you will face
254
00:13:02,668 --> 00:13:04,736
at the trial of Harry the spike,
255
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:08,650
namely, Algernon Sourgravy, Q.C.
256
00:13:08,674 --> 00:13:12,349
The most feared fellow who
ever wore a wig to work.
257
00:13:12,986 --> 00:13:16,477
Ancient, crusty, and
reeking of port-fuelled fury.
258
00:13:16,502 --> 00:13:18,750
Here you are, sir. I've
pulled all the grubby bits out.
259
00:13:19,094 --> 00:13:22,671
You'll look lovely in that. I thought
maybe we could use this plunger as a gavel.
260
00:13:22,696 --> 00:13:25,168
It's all right, Habib.
Nobody likes a clever-clog.
261
00:13:25,552 --> 00:13:28,960
We are trying to help Goody secure the
most important conviction of his career.
262
00:13:29,274 --> 00:13:30,171
Now, sit down.
263
00:13:30,195 --> 00:13:32,264
So... Do you think this
helps set the scene?
264
00:13:34,562 --> 00:13:36,772
Oh yes, sir, that's much better.
265
00:13:37,231 --> 00:13:39,338
Just like Kavanagh QC
266
00:13:39,979 --> 00:13:41,748
I think it's more realistic than that.
267
00:13:43,755 --> 00:13:46,360
Now then Goody let us begin
268
00:13:46,384 --> 00:13:48,384
yes, let's, let us begin.
269
00:13:48,701 --> 00:13:51,070
Now just remind me one more
time, what are we doing?
270
00:13:51,205 --> 00:13:53,987
We are pretending to be at the
trial of Harry the spike.
271
00:13:54,037 --> 00:13:56,675
- And who am I pretending to be?
- Yourself, you idiot.
272
00:13:56,699 --> 00:13:58,399
You are pretending to be yourself.
273
00:13:58,424 --> 00:14:01,003
How can I pretend to
be myself? I am myself.
274
00:14:01,027 --> 00:14:05,407
If I pretend to be myself who am
I being whilst I'm pretending, hmm?
275
00:14:05,431 --> 00:14:07,409
I might disappear altogether and develop
276
00:14:07,433 --> 00:14:09,945
severe personality disorders.
277
00:14:09,969 --> 00:14:11,881
And then my mother would come down
278
00:14:11,905 --> 00:14:14,472
to this station and do her raving nana.
279
00:14:15,508 --> 00:14:17,285
Goody,
280
00:14:17,309 --> 00:14:19,388
I want you, yourself,
281
00:14:19,412 --> 00:14:21,390
to pretend to be yourself,
282
00:14:21,414 --> 00:14:24,259
but in a different space and time.
283
00:14:24,283 --> 00:14:27,295
Oh, I see now.
284
00:14:27,319 --> 00:14:30,566
Like "the x-files," then?
285
00:14:30,590 --> 00:14:33,502
In the end, do I turn out to be an
alien twin who's infested my body
286
00:14:33,526 --> 00:14:36,118
- for purposes of conquest and colonization?
- Goody-
287
00:14:36,143 --> 00:14:38,430
Because that can happen, you know.
288
00:14:39,286 --> 00:14:41,510
I mean, we can't be
the only ones, can we?
289
00:14:41,534 --> 00:14:44,346
I feel confident, Goody, that
you, at least, are unique.
290
00:14:44,370 --> 00:14:46,381
Oh thank you, sir.
291
00:14:46,405 --> 00:14:48,350
I once encountered a U.F.O., sir.
292
00:14:48,374 --> 00:14:51,416
Oh, what a frightening experience.
293
00:14:51,441 --> 00:14:55,714
I walked into our kitchen and I
can see my wife across the room,
294
00:14:55,990 --> 00:14:59,595
and between us was a hovering,
hurtling, saucer-shaped object
295
00:14:59,619 --> 00:15:02,621
which flew past me and
out of the kitchen window.
296
00:15:04,156 --> 00:15:06,835
But she get me with the cup, though.
297
00:15:06,859 --> 00:15:09,905
Yes, meanwhile, back on earth...
298
00:15:09,929 --> 00:15:11,941
We are in the middle of a briefing.
299
00:15:11,965 --> 00:15:14,443
Perhaps it'd be more convincing
if we had a judge, sir.
300
00:15:14,467 --> 00:15:16,178
Yes, well we don't have a judge.
301
00:15:16,202 --> 00:15:19,949
A glance about the place reveals
no slumbering octogenarian
302
00:15:19,973 --> 00:15:23,351
who claims never to have
heard of the Beatles.
303
00:15:23,375 --> 00:15:27,289
I could be the judge, sir. If I use
some of this paper from the shredder
304
00:15:27,313 --> 00:15:29,024
I could put it over me
305
00:15:29,048 --> 00:15:32,918
and that might make
me look like a bigwig.
306
00:15:34,053 --> 00:15:37,422
Actually, that's very good.
307
00:15:37,832 --> 00:15:40,449
Well done, Gladstone.
You can be the judge.
308
00:15:40,474 --> 00:15:43,072
Yes, sir. Who says members
of the ethnic minorities
309
00:15:43,096 --> 00:15:45,389
aren't finding their
place in the upper echelons
310
00:15:45,414 --> 00:15:48,176
- of the judiciary?
- Yes, all right, Habib.
311
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:52,403
I could put the tea cosy on my
head and be the prosecution brief.
312
00:15:54,273 --> 00:15:56,418
Yes, oh that's good.
313
00:15:56,442 --> 00:15:58,087
Well done, everybody.
314
00:15:58,111 --> 00:16:00,656
Now the court really is in session.
315
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:04,120
Now then, Goody, you must be prepared
316
00:16:04,145 --> 00:16:06,962
for me to accuse you of all
sorts of terrible things.
317
00:16:06,986 --> 00:16:08,905
The barristers can be
absolutely ruthless.
318
00:16:08,930 --> 00:16:10,428
Oh, that's very true., sir
319
00:16:10,452 --> 00:16:14,801
I remember one barrister accusing me
of terrible things, appaling things.
320
00:16:14,825 --> 00:16:16,109
Now you see Goody
321
00:16:16,134 --> 00:16:17,672
listen to the voice of experience.
322
00:16:17,697 --> 00:16:19,255
Share your story with us, Gladstone.
323
00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:21,280
What did barrister try to accuse you of?
324
00:16:21,524 --> 00:16:23,805
Showing my bottom to a
coach load of nuns, sir.
325
00:16:25,282 --> 00:16:29,767
And throwing an entire chicken
curry into an electric fan.
326
00:16:29,792 --> 00:16:33,759
Grit, heavenly hemorrhoids the depths to
which these people will sink.
327
00:16:33,783 --> 00:16:35,122
And what did you say?
328
00:16:35,147 --> 00:16:36,470
I said "guilty".
329
00:16:37,618 --> 00:16:40,567
The judge said "fine, 50 shillings".
330
00:16:40,591 --> 00:16:45,419
I tell you, sir, Carnival nights in
Trinidad were wild when I was at Trinidad.
331
00:16:46,465 --> 00:16:48,884
Thank you for sharing that with
us, Gladstone.
332
00:16:48,908 --> 00:16:52,611
However, for the purposes of this
exercise, can we please concentrate
333
00:16:52,635 --> 00:16:55,525
on our role in court
as arresting constables
334
00:16:55,550 --> 00:16:57,732
rather than
delinquent defendants?
335
00:16:58,110 --> 00:16:59,926
Now then, are you ready?
336
00:16:59,950 --> 00:17:02,760
I put it to you
that you are a liar!
337
00:17:02,810 --> 00:17:05,078
I put it to you that you
and your fellow officers
338
00:17:05,103 --> 00:17:07,171
have conspired to ruin an innocent man.
339
00:17:07,221 --> 00:17:10,130
- Objection, your honour.
- What?
340
00:17:10,844 --> 00:17:13,245
This is nothing more
than personal abuse.
341
00:17:13,270 --> 00:17:16,906
On what possible evidence
does my learned friend base it?
342
00:17:18,554 --> 00:17:20,405
Well, young man?
343
00:17:23,253 --> 00:17:25,779
Well... Look... Look,
I haven't got any evidence.
344
00:17:25,804 --> 00:17:29,273
Objection sustained.
Mr Fowler will withdraw his remarks.
345
00:17:29,323 --> 00:17:31,676
This is easy. You said
this was gonna be difficult.
346
00:17:31,726 --> 00:17:33,580
It isn't, this is a piece of piddle.
347
00:17:33,604 --> 00:17:36,750
- No I will not withdraw my remarks.
- Who is the judge here?
348
00:17:36,774 --> 00:17:40,153
Look, I am your commanding
officer and I make the rules.
349
00:17:40,177 --> 00:17:42,449
If you're gonna be like that,
then there's no point in playing, is there?
350
00:17:42,473 --> 00:17:44,558
Look, this is an exercise.
351
00:17:44,582 --> 00:17:46,693
This is a role-playing game.
352
00:17:46,717 --> 00:17:48,595
Yeah, which only you're allowed to win.
353
00:17:48,619 --> 00:17:50,764
All right, you be the
defence council, go on.
354
00:17:50,788 --> 00:17:52,465
You have a right go at Goody. Go on.
355
00:17:52,489 --> 00:17:54,534
Yes, yes, yes.
356
00:17:54,558 --> 00:17:56,736
Well, I don't want to play, sir.
357
00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:58,672
It's a futile exercise anyway.
358
00:17:58,696 --> 00:18:01,608
Judges always accept what the
police say, evidence or not.
359
00:18:01,632 --> 00:18:05,211
My god, in the '70s the coppers used
to just phone it in from the pub.
360
00:18:05,235 --> 00:18:06,980
Yes, all right, Habib.
361
00:18:07,004 --> 00:18:10,016
You're not on "have I got
news for you now," you know.
362
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:12,586
Goodness how I deplore
this modern habit
363
00:18:12,610 --> 00:18:15,589
of running down our national
institutions willy-nilly.
364
00:18:15,613 --> 00:18:19,158
If we are to dismiss things
simply because they are not perfect
365
00:18:19,182 --> 00:18:22,528
we shall soon find ourselves living
in a world with very little in it
366
00:18:22,552 --> 00:18:25,521
except Horlicks.
367
00:18:26,076 --> 00:18:29,035
And Gloria Hunniford.
368
00:18:29,059 --> 00:18:32,072
Quite. Now, can we
continue this exercise
369
00:18:32,096 --> 00:18:34,440
without objections from the prosecution?
370
00:18:34,464 --> 00:18:36,576
I'm going to continue haranguing Goody
371
00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:39,012
and I don't want you to cry
this time, is that clear?
372
00:18:39,036 --> 00:18:41,881
I'll try not to, sir,
but you were so mean...
373
00:18:41,905 --> 00:18:45,151
Not half as mean as Algernon
Sourgravy, I can assure you.
374
00:18:45,175 --> 00:18:48,121
Now stop sulking, Habib, and
put your tea cosy back on.
375
00:18:48,145 --> 00:18:49,856
Now then, ready?
376
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:52,158
I put it to you that you are a liar!
377
00:18:52,182 --> 00:18:54,794
I put it to you that you
and your fellow officers
378
00:18:54,818 --> 00:18:56,930
have conspired to
ruin an innocent man.
379
00:18:56,954 --> 00:18:59,298
You're a disgrace to your uniform,
380
00:18:59,322 --> 00:19:02,002
A disgrace to your
mother, a disgrace-
381
00:19:02,026 --> 00:19:04,938
Goody, will you stop crying?
382
00:19:04,962 --> 00:19:07,941
Raymond, Harry the spike's
barrister is here to see you.
383
00:19:07,965 --> 00:19:11,011
Here? The ogre is amongst us.
384
00:19:11,035 --> 00:19:13,013
Right. No nerves, no fear.
385
00:19:13,037 --> 00:19:16,382
I will meet him with cold
contempt and icy disdain.
386
00:19:16,406 --> 00:19:18,652
It's not a him, it's a her.
387
00:19:18,676 --> 00:19:22,122
It's the mayoress.
She's a Q.C., you know,
388
00:19:22,146 --> 00:19:24,024
as well as being a stuck-up tart.
389
00:19:24,048 --> 00:19:27,060
She is the mayoress, sergeant,
therefore deserving of your respect.
390
00:19:27,084 --> 00:19:30,953
Why? Plenty of other dogs
have chains around their necks.
391
00:19:36,794 --> 00:19:39,939
Your worship, this is
indeed an unhoped-of
392
00:19:39,963 --> 00:19:41,741
and unlooked-for honour.
393
00:19:41,765 --> 00:19:43,910
Welcome. Thrice welcome.
394
00:19:43,934 --> 00:19:46,435
Thricely welcome and welcome thrice.
395
00:19:48,972 --> 00:19:53,086
Oh drat, those cleaners, they
leave their things everywhere.
396
00:19:53,110 --> 00:19:55,955
Anyone would think that
they didn't have a cupboard.
397
00:19:55,979 --> 00:19:59,192
I'm afraid Mr Sourgravy
had a heart attack
398
00:19:59,216 --> 00:20:01,928
over his mid-morning bottle of port.
399
00:20:01,952 --> 00:20:04,728
Turns out that Harry the spike's
got a pretty penny put away.
400
00:20:04,753 --> 00:20:07,006
Astonishingly, he can afford me.
401
00:20:07,031 --> 00:20:09,391
So I've taken the case.
402
00:20:10,450 --> 00:20:12,072
Funny, isn't it?
403
00:20:12,096 --> 00:20:13,907
All those years ago at school
404
00:20:13,931 --> 00:20:16,999
you were so desperate to
get stuck into my briefs.
405
00:20:21,772 --> 00:20:25,541
And now I'm the brief that's
gonna get stuck into you.
406
00:20:35,018 --> 00:20:38,020
Do you ever worry that
you're getting thicker?
407
00:20:40,724 --> 00:20:42,902
- What?
- You know when you suddenly think,
408
00:20:42,926 --> 00:20:47,340
"oh my god, I can't remember the
name of superman's girlfriend.
409
00:20:47,364 --> 00:20:51,544
I'm going to develop a terrible brain
disease and have to wear an adult nappy."
410
00:20:51,568 --> 00:20:54,914
I think everyone worries
about that sometimes.
411
00:20:54,938 --> 00:20:57,683
Yes, you're right.
412
00:20:57,707 --> 00:20:59,552
It's just that I could have sworn
413
00:20:59,576 --> 00:21:03,146
I had already looked behind that
cooker before I found those drugs.
414
00:21:08,351 --> 00:21:11,998
For the final time, Patricia,
I do not fancy the mayoress.
415
00:21:12,022 --> 00:21:16,608
Yes you do. You were going
to be all icy and disdainful
416
00:21:16,633 --> 00:21:18,592
and suddenly you're
dribbling and drooling
417
00:21:18,617 --> 00:21:20,940
and tripping up over your
great big fat floppy wet tongue.
418
00:21:20,964 --> 00:21:23,576
Sergeant, I will not be
spoken to in this manner.
419
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:27,036
We are both at work, and
I am your superior officer.
420
00:21:27,382 --> 00:21:29,115
Besides which I do not fancy her.
421
00:21:29,139 --> 00:21:30,817
I admire her, certainly.
422
00:21:30,841 --> 00:21:34,484
She has a fine mind
and superb calf muscles.
423
00:21:35,318 --> 00:21:37,408
Does that inevitably
mean that I fancy her?
424
00:21:37,432 --> 00:21:40,459
- Yes.
- No it doesn't. But were I to do so,
425
00:21:40,483 --> 00:21:42,345
- which I don't-
- so you admit it.
426
00:21:42,370 --> 00:21:44,063
I have just said which I don't.
427
00:21:44,087 --> 00:21:46,332
But if I did, which I don't,
428
00:21:46,356 --> 00:21:49,402
then we are at work and
it is no business of yours.
429
00:21:49,426 --> 00:21:52,071
Do you love me when you're at work?
430
00:21:52,095 --> 00:21:53,903
Well of course I do, sergeant.
431
00:21:53,927 --> 00:21:56,375
If you love me,
then you can fancy a barrister.
432
00:21:56,399 --> 00:21:59,112
- Well, I can fancy her-
- so you do admit it!
433
00:21:59,136 --> 00:22:02,982
No, I do not admit it. But
if I did, which I don't-
434
00:22:03,006 --> 00:22:06,186
Then you would not be allowed to
object to it until we got home.
435
00:22:06,210 --> 00:22:08,387
Right. I'll wait.
436
00:22:08,411 --> 00:22:12,325
But I'll advise you not to take
off your bicycle helmet tonight.
437
00:22:12,349 --> 00:22:15,061
Constable Habib...
438
00:22:15,085 --> 00:22:18,497
You know a bit about all
that Muslim stuff, don't you?
439
00:22:18,521 --> 00:22:21,267
I suppose so, sir. What
did you have in mind?
440
00:22:21,291 --> 00:22:23,769
I was just wondering
if it would do for me.
441
00:22:23,793 --> 00:22:27,706
I mean, I like spicy food,
442
00:22:27,730 --> 00:22:30,910
- I'm not a big drinker...
- It's a faith, sir.
443
00:22:30,934 --> 00:22:33,246
- Not an evening out.
- Exactly.
444
00:22:33,270 --> 00:22:36,182
Faith. Religion. I'm looking for one.
445
00:22:36,206 --> 00:22:39,552
Not for life, you understand,
just for an hour or two.
446
00:22:39,576 --> 00:22:42,422
You want to become a
Muslim for an hour or two?
447
00:22:42,446 --> 00:22:45,658
Well I don't really mind what
I become as long as they provide
448
00:22:45,682 --> 00:22:48,351
a sympathetic vicar and
you don't have to pay.
449
00:22:49,953 --> 00:22:52,865
I've got something on
my conscience, you see.
450
00:22:52,889 --> 00:22:55,335
I want to confess.
See, my lot are no good.
451
00:22:55,359 --> 00:22:58,438
Blimey, the C of E will let
you get away with anything.
452
00:22:58,462 --> 00:23:01,663
Adultery, coveting an ox...
453
00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:06,112
As long as you give
'em a can of sweet corn
454
00:23:06,136 --> 00:23:09,682
for harvest festival, they're happy.
455
00:23:09,706 --> 00:23:12,018
But then the Catholics are too strict.
456
00:23:12,042 --> 00:23:15,021
Once you're in the box with
a priest they want the lot.
457
00:23:15,045 --> 00:23:20,193
You gotta go right back to the
state of your sheets in 1965.
458
00:23:20,217 --> 00:23:23,929
Perhaps if you told me
what was on your mind, sir?
459
00:23:23,953 --> 00:23:26,632
Sometimes it helps to talk.
460
00:23:26,656 --> 00:23:32,638
Well, that drugs bust we carried out...
461
00:23:32,662 --> 00:23:34,607
- You see...
- Never mind all that, sir...
462
00:23:34,631 --> 00:23:36,842
Let's go and have a
little drink, shall we, eh?
463
00:23:36,866 --> 00:23:38,844
Keep your courage up
for tomorrow's case.
464
00:23:38,868 --> 00:23:40,569
Don't want to blow it, do we?
465
00:23:41,352 --> 00:23:44,326
Here are commanding officer's iterenaries.
466
00:23:44,350 --> 00:23:47,180
I am gonna log on those minor
arson recurrences Sarge.
467
00:23:47,204 --> 00:23:49,204
I'm off to the pub.
468
00:23:49,228 --> 00:23:51,228
Jumped, Gladstone, jumped.
469
00:23:52,158 --> 00:23:54,591
Sergeant Dawkins is a sergeant.
470
00:23:54,615 --> 00:23:57,290
I will not have sloppy
language in this station.
471
00:23:57,314 --> 00:23:59,314
Just trying to speed things up sir.
472
00:23:59,338 --> 00:24:01,259
A syllable here syllable there
473
00:24:01,284 --> 00:24:03,362
by last orders I'll have
enough time saved up
474
00:24:03,386 --> 00:24:05,386
to get in an extra pint of Guinness.
475
00:24:06,014 --> 00:24:08,884
English, Gladstone,
is the language of Shakespeare.
476
00:24:09,490 --> 00:24:12,411
You wouldn't find him going around at
chopping bits off words, would you?
477
00:24:12,435 --> 00:24:16,281
Hey faith my lord we're
so into the Enzo this morn
478
00:24:17,932 --> 00:24:22,909
yes well Shakespeare was a poet. You're
allowed to chop up words in poetry but
479
00:24:23,441 --> 00:24:25,027
but not in police work.
480
00:24:25,165 --> 00:24:27,352
It could lead to no end of confusion.
481
00:24:27,376 --> 00:24:29,543
Look, look your commanding
officer's itinerary.
482
00:24:29,731 --> 00:24:33,259
Chop off the second halves of the
words and you get "come off it".
483
00:24:34,470 --> 00:24:36,509
Minor arson recurrences
484
00:24:36,534 --> 00:24:38,573
becomes "my ass reeks".
485
00:24:40,456 --> 00:24:42,456
Goodnight, Gladstone.
486
00:24:46,925 --> 00:24:49,603
Sir, I'm sorry to disturb
you, may I speak with you?
487
00:24:49,653 --> 00:24:51,798
It's very, very important.
488
00:24:51,822 --> 00:24:54,901
The thing is, I think C.I.D.
may have done something awful.
489
00:24:54,925 --> 00:24:57,069
One scarcely needs to be Sherlock Holmes
490
00:24:57,093 --> 00:24:59,005
to draw that conclusion, Habib.
491
00:24:59,029 --> 00:25:01,908
Have they been dropping cigarette
ends in the toilets again?
492
00:25:01,932 --> 00:25:04,311
- Worse.
- Is there anything worse?
493
00:25:04,335 --> 00:25:07,614
Well, sir, inspector Grim's
having a crisis of conscience
494
00:25:07,638 --> 00:25:11,240
and Goody said something really
strange to me about yesterday's raid.
495
00:25:12,476 --> 00:25:14,220
Now then, Goody...
496
00:25:14,244 --> 00:25:16,589
Constable Habib informs me
497
00:25:16,613 --> 00:25:19,892
that you may have had a
strange loss of memory.
498
00:25:19,916 --> 00:25:21,961
Well, yes I did, sir.
499
00:25:21,985 --> 00:25:24,230
But it's all right, I remember it now.
500
00:25:24,254 --> 00:25:26,466
- Do you, Goody?
- Yes I do, sir.
501
00:25:26,490 --> 00:25:28,702
It was Lois Lane.
502
00:25:28,726 --> 00:25:31,571
We're not talking about
superman's girlfriend.
503
00:25:31,595 --> 00:25:33,506
- Oh...
- We're talking about how you said
504
00:25:33,530 --> 00:25:36,476
there were no drugs behind the
cooker the first time you looked.
505
00:25:36,500 --> 00:25:38,211
Oh yes, yes, yes, yes.
506
00:25:38,235 --> 00:25:40,947
But it's all right now, I'm
very, very clear on that.
507
00:25:40,971 --> 00:25:43,216
- Are you, Goody?
- Yes I am, sir.
508
00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:45,852
Because Gary Boyle from C.I.D. told me
509
00:25:45,876 --> 00:25:48,555
that the drugs definitely,
definitely were there
510
00:25:48,579 --> 00:25:51,257
and that no matter what
the defence barrister says,
511
00:25:51,281 --> 00:25:53,360
I'm to say that they were there.
512
00:25:53,384 --> 00:25:56,429
Yes, Goody. But
supposing I put it to you
513
00:25:56,453 --> 00:25:58,755
that they weren't there?
514
00:26:01,625 --> 00:26:05,004
Oh, oh I see.
515
00:26:05,028 --> 00:26:08,307
- Oh yes, now I understand.
- Good.
516
00:26:08,331 --> 00:26:11,043
You're being the barrister
again, aren't you?
517
00:26:11,067 --> 00:26:13,747
Sorry, sir, didn't recognize
you without your mop.
518
00:26:13,771 --> 00:26:16,750
And you can stuff this
up your wig, mate-
519
00:26:16,774 --> 00:26:18,951
The drugs were definitely there
520
00:26:18,975 --> 00:26:21,076
and I'm not gonna cry either!
521
00:26:25,148 --> 00:26:27,994
You think there really is a hell, Boyle?
522
00:26:28,018 --> 00:26:31,163
Sir, the bloke is an evil swine.
523
00:26:31,187 --> 00:26:33,332
We had to get him one way or another.
524
00:26:33,356 --> 00:26:36,403
You're right, Boyle, I know that.
525
00:26:36,427 --> 00:26:38,337
So, Derek...
526
00:26:38,361 --> 00:26:41,107
I think that despite the
best efforts of the mayoress,
527
00:26:41,131 --> 00:26:43,376
we'll get a conviction tomorrow,
528
00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:45,645
thanks to your brilliant work.
529
00:26:45,669 --> 00:26:48,180
Well, thank you, Raymond.
530
00:26:48,204 --> 00:26:50,717
Although, your man found the drugs.
531
00:26:50,741 --> 00:26:53,152
No, no, praise where praise is due.
532
00:26:53,176 --> 00:26:55,121
It was very much your operation.
533
00:26:55,145 --> 00:26:58,458
Harry the spike was a violent
and brutal drug dealer.
534
00:26:58,482 --> 00:27:01,116
The public had to be protected.
535
00:27:02,519 --> 00:27:05,432
You were quite right
to plant those drugs.
536
00:27:05,456 --> 00:27:07,266
So you know, do you?
537
00:27:07,290 --> 00:27:09,769
Yeah well, you're
right, we had to get him.
538
00:27:09,793 --> 00:27:13,172
I didn't like doing it, but it was
the only way to see justice done.
539
00:27:13,196 --> 00:27:17,143
In that case, inspector
Grim, you are under arrest.
540
00:27:17,167 --> 00:27:19,312
I'll deny everything,
you got no evidence,
541
00:27:19,336 --> 00:27:21,537
- did you hear anything, Boyle?
- Pardon?
542
00:27:28,178 --> 00:27:30,323
And smile to the right,
and three and four...
543
00:27:30,347 --> 00:27:32,759
- Come on, ladies, step and smile...
- You see,
544
00:27:32,783 --> 00:27:34,360
what you've done here is...
545
00:27:34,384 --> 00:27:36,930
...You've only pressed the record button.
546
00:27:36,954 --> 00:27:39,866
For some reason you've gotta press
record and play simultaneously.
547
00:27:39,890 --> 00:27:41,868
Never been able to understand why.
548
00:27:41,892 --> 00:27:43,803
Come on, sir, let's have a nice drink
549
00:27:43,827 --> 00:27:45,805
to celebrate the impending banging up
550
00:27:45,829 --> 00:27:48,931
of a very tasty pull-
on P.C. Goody's evidence.
551
00:27:51,234 --> 00:27:53,569
You'll never get me.
552
00:27:58,375 --> 00:28:01,711
Sir, the mayoress wants to see you.
553
00:28:02,946 --> 00:28:05,424
I don't like to lose, Raymond.
554
00:28:05,448 --> 00:28:07,994
But your evidence has got me beaten.
555
00:28:08,018 --> 00:28:09,996
He claims you've planted it, of course,
556
00:28:10,020 --> 00:28:12,331
but the courts will believe the police.
557
00:28:12,355 --> 00:28:14,333
I want a plea bargain.
558
00:28:14,357 --> 00:28:17,303
- I can't give you that, mayoress.
- Give it to me, Raymond!
559
00:28:17,327 --> 00:28:19,372
I want it, I'm desperate for it.
560
00:28:19,396 --> 00:28:21,407
You must give it to me now.
561
00:28:21,431 --> 00:28:24,343
Mayoress, I'm going to do
something deeply immoral
562
00:28:24,367 --> 00:28:28,771
but when I'm finished, I think
you'll be more than satisfied.
563
00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:33,686
You're being so mean!
564
00:28:33,710 --> 00:28:35,822
That's justice, constable.
565
00:28:35,846 --> 00:28:39,892
What were you wearing when
you arrested Mr Spike, Goody?
566
00:28:39,916 --> 00:28:43,997
The new uniform. A pilot-style tunic
567
00:28:44,021 --> 00:28:46,465
made from tough serviceable fabric
568
00:28:46,489 --> 00:28:49,869
gathered at the waist.
There is also a utility belt,
569
00:28:49,893 --> 00:28:52,972
fashioned from the rarest cowhide...
570
00:28:52,996 --> 00:28:55,407
An unofficial uniform.
571
00:28:55,431 --> 00:28:57,810
A uniform without insignia
572
00:28:57,834 --> 00:29:00,546
or identification numbers.
573
00:29:00,570 --> 00:29:02,949
In short, constable Goody,
574
00:29:02,973 --> 00:29:05,051
you made an arrest wearing
575
00:29:05,075 --> 00:29:07,520
an entirely illegal uniform.
576
00:29:07,544 --> 00:29:09,956
This case is null and void.
577
00:29:09,980 --> 00:29:12,682
You're so mean!
578
00:29:14,551 --> 00:29:17,664
You tipped her off about
Goody's uniform, didn't you?
579
00:29:17,688 --> 00:29:19,398
Yes I did, Grim,
580
00:29:19,422 --> 00:29:22,101
because I could think of no
other way of losing the case.
581
00:29:22,125 --> 00:29:24,937
And I will retire to my
allotment before I knowingly
582
00:29:24,961 --> 00:29:26,973
become a party to police corruption.
583
00:29:26,997 --> 00:29:30,877
You and your flipping
principles. The bloke's an animal.
584
00:29:30,901 --> 00:29:33,913
He should be put away for
the safety of the public.
585
00:29:33,937 --> 00:29:36,215
The public can be in no greater danger
586
00:29:36,239 --> 00:29:39,451
than when the police consider
themselves above the law.
587
00:29:39,475 --> 00:29:41,387
Better a criminal goes free
588
00:29:41,411 --> 00:29:43,890
than the police become
criminals themselves.
589
00:29:43,914 --> 00:29:47,626
A violent, disgusting
drug pusher walked free
590
00:29:47,650 --> 00:29:50,730
because of your Goody-Goody,
591
00:29:50,754 --> 00:29:54,100
ladi-dadi, namby, hoity
592
00:29:54,124 --> 00:29:56,569
wishy, pamby, toity,
593
00:29:56,593 --> 00:29:59,371
washy, dadi-ladi, know-it-all,
594
00:29:59,395 --> 00:30:02,408
public school, stiff upper lip,
595
00:30:02,432 --> 00:30:06,345
stiff upper house master, prim and proper
596
00:30:06,369 --> 00:30:08,838
rule britannia-
597
00:30:14,344 --> 00:30:15,888
Oh...
598
00:30:15,912 --> 00:30:19,325
- I'm sorry, Raymond.
- I beg your pardon?
599
00:30:19,349 --> 00:30:22,318
I hate myself.
600
00:30:23,162 --> 00:30:26,955
There is nothing lower than a bent copper.
601
00:30:28,419 --> 00:30:33,231
It was just that I
wanted that pull so badly.
602
00:30:33,317 --> 00:30:34,980
I'm glad you stopped it, Raymond.
603
00:30:35,005 --> 00:30:39,547
It weighed on me. I've been
waking up in cold sweats.
604
00:30:40,078 --> 00:30:42,557
I've had to tell Tina my piles are back.
605
00:30:44,492 --> 00:30:48,122
Poor old girl, it's been
very bleak for both of us.
606
00:30:50,347 --> 00:30:52,642
You won't tell anybody
about it, will you?
607
00:30:53,712 --> 00:30:54,708
Raymond-
608
00:30:54,732 --> 00:30:57,523
How did the mayoress know
about Goody's uniform?
609
00:30:57,548 --> 00:30:59,223
You tipped her off, didn't you?
610
00:30:59,273 --> 00:31:01,296
You blew the case because you fancy her.
611
00:31:01,346 --> 00:31:03,896
Patricia, you will
withdraw that appalling,
612
00:31:03,921 --> 00:31:06,073
unfair and unworthy accusation.
613
00:31:06,098 --> 00:31:09,300
Well tell me why you did it then.
614
00:31:10,653 --> 00:31:13,242
I had my reasons for
doing what I did, Patricia.
615
00:31:14,001 --> 00:31:17,320
They are not what you think,
and there's an end to it.
616
00:31:19,630 --> 00:31:22,174
And smile to the left
and three and four...
617
00:31:22,198 --> 00:31:24,276
And smile to the right
and three and four...
618
00:31:24,300 --> 00:31:26,235
...And come on,
ladies, step and smile-
619
00:31:27,738 --> 00:31:29,516
Give it to me, Raymond.
620
00:31:29,540 --> 00:31:31,217
I want it, I'm desperate for it.
621
00:31:31,241 --> 00:31:33,586
You must give it to me now.
622
00:31:33,610 --> 00:31:36,523
Mayoress, I'm going
to do something deeply immoral,
623
00:31:36,547 --> 00:31:40,282
but when I'm finished, I think
you'll be more than satisfied.
624
00:31:43,987 --> 00:31:45,698
Good evening, darling.
625
00:31:45,722 --> 00:31:48,034
Is there anything wrong?
626
00:31:48,058 --> 00:31:50,993
Take off your bicycle helmet, Raymond.
47045
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