Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:39,866
You promise you won't forget
to go to the bank at lunchtime?
2
00:00:39,890 --> 00:00:41,000
No, I won't, Patricia.
3
00:00:41,024 --> 00:00:43,269
Of course, it would be
more convenient to go now.
4
00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:45,639
And for that very reason,
the bank is closed,
5
00:00:45,663 --> 00:00:47,607
it being the principle
of British banking
6
00:00:47,631 --> 00:00:49,810
that the customer must
be avoided at all costs.
7
00:00:49,834 --> 00:00:53,380
Wah-hoo! Ah-hah!
8
00:00:53,404 --> 00:00:56,416
Great thundering trumpets!
Has the world run mad?
9
00:00:56,440 --> 00:00:59,720
Rag week, Raymond. Just
students having a laugh.
10
00:00:59,744 --> 00:01:02,288
When I was at college I suffered
from the curious delusion
11
00:01:02,312 --> 00:01:04,023
that I was there to study.
12
00:01:04,047 --> 00:01:05,959
Oh, well, I suppose
we were all young once.
13
00:01:05,983 --> 00:01:09,929
Not you, Raymond. You
were born middle-aged.
14
00:01:09,953 --> 00:01:12,065
It's kind of you to say so, Patricia.
15
00:01:12,089 --> 00:01:14,401
I've always attempted to
maintain a mature outlook,
16
00:01:14,425 --> 00:01:17,159
but I cannot deny that
there have been lapses.
17
00:01:18,328 --> 00:01:21,498
I once possessed... A whoopee cushion.
18
00:01:22,500 --> 00:01:24,644
I never deployed it, of course,
19
00:01:24,668 --> 00:01:26,903
the capacity was there.
20
00:01:31,442 --> 00:01:33,920
I really don't think
you're being fair, Patricia.
21
00:01:33,944 --> 00:01:36,690
We have lots of fun together.
22
00:01:36,714 --> 00:01:40,427
What about last night?
Flagellation on top of fornication.
23
00:01:40,451 --> 00:01:42,262
You don't often get that.
24
00:01:42,286 --> 00:01:44,163
It was boring!
25
00:01:44,187 --> 00:01:46,800
It was the best "scrabble"
score I've ever had.
26
00:01:46,824 --> 00:01:50,537
Just don't forget to go
to the bank at lunchtime.
27
00:01:50,561 --> 00:01:53,106
Morning, Pat.
28
00:01:53,130 --> 00:01:55,675
You all right? - Oh, it's
Raymond. He's getting worse.
29
00:01:55,699 --> 00:01:58,812
Do you know, last week I
found him in bed with a model?
30
00:01:58,836 --> 00:02:03,049
No. - We've still got bits of
balsa wood stuck to the duvet.
31
00:02:03,073 --> 00:02:06,853
"Juvenile," "juvenile," "juvenile."
32
00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:08,855
More juvenile, sir.
33
00:02:08,879 --> 00:02:10,757
Just once in a while,
34
00:02:10,781 --> 00:02:13,683
I'd like to nick someone
whose balls have dropped!
35
00:02:15,419 --> 00:02:17,964
And where are the real crimes, eh?
36
00:02:17,988 --> 00:02:20,600
The terrorism, the bank jobs-
37
00:02:20,624 --> 00:02:24,504
I had such exciting dreams, Kray.
38
00:02:24,528 --> 00:02:26,840
Yeah, I get them, sir.
39
00:02:26,864 --> 00:02:29,933
Rubber waders and a boat hook.
You don't half wake up sweating.
40
00:02:31,669 --> 00:02:35,114
Yes - rag week, ladies and
gentlemen, is upon us again.
41
00:02:35,138 --> 00:02:38,151
Come on, come on, sit down.
42
00:02:38,175 --> 00:02:40,887
And the question that every policeman-
43
00:02:40,911 --> 00:02:45,224
or indeed, police person-
44
00:02:45,248 --> 00:02:47,260
must ask himself-
45
00:02:47,284 --> 00:02:50,119
or indeed...
46
00:02:52,222 --> 00:02:55,034
Itself...
47
00:02:55,058 --> 00:02:56,770
Is "how are we to deal
48
00:02:56,794 --> 00:02:59,372
with the inevitable
juvenile excesses to come?"
49
00:02:59,396 --> 00:03:02,298
- Constable Goody?
- Um...
50
00:03:05,002 --> 00:03:07,914
Well, it depends, doesn't it, sir?
51
00:03:07,938 --> 00:03:10,517
I mean, not all excesses are the same.
52
00:03:10,541 --> 00:03:13,687
Are we talking plain excesses,
53
00:03:13,711 --> 00:03:16,656
or excessive excesses?
54
00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:19,759
Well, I think by definition,
excesses are excessive,
55
00:03:19,783 --> 00:03:21,862
or they wouldn't be
excesses, would they?
56
00:03:21,886 --> 00:03:25,031
Is this one of those brain teasers
57
00:03:25,055 --> 00:03:28,768
where Cleopatra turns
out to be a goldfish?
58
00:03:28,792 --> 00:03:30,537
Concentrate, laddie, concentrate.
59
00:03:30,561 --> 00:03:33,162
Because believe or it not,
you did make a valid point.
60
00:03:34,665 --> 00:03:37,477
One must, of course, judge
each case on its merits.
61
00:03:37,501 --> 00:03:39,813
I do not wish to have
my officers accused
62
00:03:39,837 --> 00:03:42,281
of being excessive in
their treatment of excesses,
63
00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:46,419
especially if those excesses
are not particularly excessive.
64
00:03:46,443 --> 00:03:48,855
So on the whole, what I
think we are discussing here
65
00:03:48,879 --> 00:03:51,190
are excessive excesses.
66
00:03:51,214 --> 00:03:53,192
Is that clear?
67
00:03:53,216 --> 00:03:55,328
No.
68
00:03:55,352 --> 00:03:57,831
But keep going, sir. I
expect we'll catch up.
69
00:03:57,855 --> 00:04:01,134
A decent crime, that's
all I'm asking for.
70
00:04:01,158 --> 00:04:03,837
We used to get them every day.
71
00:04:03,861 --> 00:04:06,740
This neighborhood's
really gone downhill.
72
00:04:06,764 --> 00:04:08,808
This just came through, sir.
73
00:04:08,832 --> 00:04:11,545
Looks very tasty, very naughty.
74
00:04:11,569 --> 00:04:13,647
This is it!
75
00:04:13,671 --> 00:04:15,515
Crockett, I need profiles
76
00:04:15,539 --> 00:04:17,751
on all known terrorists
in the southeast.
77
00:04:17,775 --> 00:04:21,688
Kray, phone the home office,
phone the armed response unit.
78
00:04:21,712 --> 00:04:24,024
Get me a tea milk, four sugars.
79
00:04:24,048 --> 00:04:25,859
- In what order, sir?
- Blimey, Kray,
80
00:04:25,883 --> 00:04:27,160
where were you dragged up?
81
00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:29,652
Milk in first, tea next, sugar last.
82
00:04:31,021 --> 00:04:35,035
So... What excesses may
we expect to encounter
83
00:04:35,059 --> 00:04:36,736
and how are we best to deal with them?
84
00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:40,774
What about a student rugby club
sing along and trouser-dropping?
85
00:04:40,798 --> 00:04:43,176
- How do we deal with that?
- Hmm.
86
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:44,978
Good question.
87
00:04:45,002 --> 00:04:47,380
Well, if at all possible,
exercise tolerance-
88
00:04:47,404 --> 00:04:50,083
the police officer's secret weapon.
89
00:04:50,107 --> 00:04:51,685
But never forget that if you arrest
90
00:04:51,709 --> 00:04:54,220
A college rugby team for
using obscene language,
91
00:04:54,244 --> 00:04:57,123
at some point you'll
find yourself in court
92
00:04:57,147 --> 00:05:00,126
having to recite the lyrics
of "the good ship venus."
93
00:05:00,150 --> 00:05:02,829
- Surely not, sir.
- Oh, yes.
94
00:05:02,853 --> 00:05:04,831
Defense briefs are ruthless.
95
00:05:04,855 --> 00:05:09,135
They will say to you, "exactly
what did my client suggest
96
00:05:09,159 --> 00:05:12,505
that the figurehead was sucking?"
97
00:05:12,529 --> 00:05:14,641
And if you do not answer
in a loud, clear voice,
98
00:05:14,665 --> 00:05:16,559
they will claim you
are unsure of your facts.
99
00:05:16,583 --> 00:05:17,934
Answer what, sir?
100
00:05:21,404 --> 00:05:24,217
An external organ of the male anatomy.
101
00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:26,776
That doesn't rhyme with "venus."
102
00:05:27,778 --> 00:05:30,089
May I have a word, Raymond?
103
00:05:30,113 --> 00:05:32,325
A matter of extreme urgency has arisen.
104
00:05:32,349 --> 00:05:33,926
I want to bring you up to speed,
105
00:05:33,950 --> 00:05:35,895
because you and your
officers may possibly
106
00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:38,097
be able to assist in a minor capacity
107
00:05:38,121 --> 00:05:40,367
at some hypothetical later stage,
108
00:05:40,391 --> 00:05:41,568
although I doubt it.
109
00:05:41,592 --> 00:05:44,738
And only if I let you,
which I probably won't.
110
00:05:44,762 --> 00:05:46,272
Anything we can do to help, Derek.
111
00:05:46,296 --> 00:05:49,164
Perhaps we could all club together
and buy you a straitjacket.
112
00:05:50,567 --> 00:05:53,068
Now this has just arrived.
I think it's genuine.
113
00:05:56,072 --> 00:05:57,584
"We, the st. Neduts,
114
00:05:57,608 --> 00:05:59,952
demand freedom and political autonomy
115
00:05:59,976 --> 00:06:02,522
for our sovereign state of Egelloc."
116
00:06:02,546 --> 00:06:06,693
My guess is some form of
gaelic or celtic separatism.
117
00:06:06,717 --> 00:06:10,263
And my guess is some form of
brain-from-body separatism.
118
00:06:10,287 --> 00:06:13,199
This is clearly the
work of a wild lunatic.
119
00:06:13,223 --> 00:06:15,702
Exactly. Have you ever been to Wales?
120
00:06:15,726 --> 00:06:19,038
As for the Scots, if your
national dish is a sheep's stomach,
121
00:06:19,062 --> 00:06:21,107
you're gonna be bitter, aren't you?
122
00:06:21,131 --> 00:06:24,343
Of course, it could be the
Cornish. They're bloody strange.
123
00:06:24,367 --> 00:06:25,702
And the Geordies...
124
00:06:25,727 --> 00:06:27,280
so at present you suspect anyone
125
00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:31,150
who doesn't live within 10
miles of the Thames estuary?
126
00:06:31,174 --> 00:06:33,486
Sir, I'm probably completely wrong,
127
00:06:33,510 --> 00:06:36,222
but "egelloc" sounds a bit anglo-saxon,
128
00:06:36,246 --> 00:06:38,625
maybe something to do
with the arthurian legends.
129
00:06:38,649 --> 00:06:40,627
Well done, constable.
130
00:06:40,651 --> 00:06:43,029
You got a good little brain there.
131
00:06:43,053 --> 00:06:45,064
Bit of training, we might
make you a detective.
132
00:06:45,088 --> 00:06:47,166
Oh, I don't think so, sir.
133
00:06:47,190 --> 00:06:49,235
I haven't got the skills, you see?
134
00:06:49,259 --> 00:06:52,227
- For one thing, I can't talk out of my...
- Yes, thank you, Habib.
135
00:06:53,730 --> 00:06:56,309
Surely you're not suggesting
we take this note seriously?
136
00:06:56,333 --> 00:06:59,345
I take all threats of
terrorist activity seriously
137
00:06:59,369 --> 00:07:00,880
until proved otherwise.
138
00:07:00,904 --> 00:07:02,715
Have a look at the rest of the fax.
139
00:07:02,739 --> 00:07:04,617
"Be warned that we intend to target
140
00:07:04,641 --> 00:07:06,553
the fascist borough of Gasforth
141
00:07:06,577 --> 00:07:08,621
with a series of terror attacks
142
00:07:08,645 --> 00:07:10,657
using deadly 'dratsuc.'"
143
00:07:10,681 --> 00:07:14,694
I've got a very, very bad
feeling in my stomach about this.
144
00:07:14,718 --> 00:07:16,195
How about you, constable Kray?
145
00:07:16,219 --> 00:07:18,832
I don't feel so good myself, sir.
146
00:07:18,856 --> 00:07:21,501
But I did have a kebab for breakfast.
147
00:07:21,525 --> 00:07:24,671
No, this may be a hoax, it may not be.
148
00:07:24,695 --> 00:07:27,073
All I know is, if it is genuine,
149
00:07:27,097 --> 00:07:30,766
my ass will be on the line,
and I don't want a cock up.
150
00:07:33,370 --> 00:07:36,716
Well, I imagine that you don't.
151
00:07:36,740 --> 00:07:40,119
So this deadly "dratsuc,"
what do you think it might be?
152
00:07:40,143 --> 00:07:42,121
My informed guess
153
00:07:42,145 --> 00:07:44,423
is some sort of semtex-style explosive.
154
00:07:44,447 --> 00:07:46,926
Well, it could be.
It is also, of course,
155
00:07:46,950 --> 00:07:48,885
"custard" spelled backwards.
156
00:07:50,366 --> 00:07:51,347
"Custard"?
157
00:07:51,371 --> 00:07:53,232
And if we apply the
same backwards principle
158
00:07:53,256 --> 00:07:55,702
to our other mystery words,
159
00:07:55,726 --> 00:07:58,204
we discover that the "st. Neduts"
160
00:07:58,228 --> 00:08:00,974
Who want autonomy for "egelloc"
161
00:08:00,998 --> 00:08:05,111
Turn out to be "students" who
want autonomy for their "college."
162
00:08:05,135 --> 00:08:07,837
I fear, Derek, that you've been
a victim of a rag week prank.
163
00:08:13,043 --> 00:08:15,421
You worked it out quicker
than I thought, Raymond.
164
00:08:15,445 --> 00:08:18,247
Not as quickly as I did,
but well done all the same.
165
00:08:21,018 --> 00:08:22,885
Sir, I got the home office on the phone.
166
00:08:25,022 --> 00:08:27,534
And the armed response unit
want to know what you want.
167
00:08:27,558 --> 00:08:30,637
Tell them I'm gonna shoot
some bleeding students!
168
00:08:30,661 --> 00:08:31,938
So as I was saying,
169
00:08:31,962 --> 00:08:34,931
tolerance - the police
officer's secret weapon.
170
00:08:36,033 --> 00:08:38,668
What a "diputs loof" that man is.
171
00:08:41,405 --> 00:08:43,950
You won't forget to go to the
bank at lunchtime, will you?
172
00:08:43,974 --> 00:08:46,719
I'm snowed under. I'll have
to do admin over a take-away.
173
00:08:46,743 --> 00:08:49,022
More haste, less speed, sergeant.
174
00:08:49,046 --> 00:08:51,557
Rushed meals lead
only to upset stomachs,
175
00:08:51,581 --> 00:08:53,826
and onion rings on the duty log.
176
00:08:53,850 --> 00:08:57,696
I shouldn't eat so much rubbish,
anyway. It's making me flabby.
177
00:08:57,720 --> 00:09:00,099
- What absolute nonsense, Patricia.
- You think so?
178
00:09:00,123 --> 00:09:02,936
Of course. It's got
nothing to do with diet.
179
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:05,361
You're bound to start to
sag a bit as you get older.
180
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:20,119
All right, we check the handwriting
181
00:09:20,143 --> 00:09:22,288
of every student in this college.
182
00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:24,657
Assuming, that is, that
they know how to write.
183
00:09:24,681 --> 00:09:26,492
You hear that, Kray? Eh? Kray?
184
00:09:26,516 --> 00:09:29,251
Hello, darling. What are
you studying then, eh?
185
00:09:41,798 --> 00:09:44,210
- Raymond!
- Yes?
186
00:09:44,234 --> 00:09:46,346
It's nearly half past.
What about the bank?
187
00:09:46,370 --> 00:09:49,815
Great heavens to Betsy,
Patricia. There's plenty of time.
188
00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:52,185
Can't a fellow be allowed
a few moments of peace
189
00:09:52,209 --> 00:09:54,387
to read a chapter of "Sherlock Holmes"
190
00:09:54,411 --> 00:09:56,356
And enjoy his chocolate frog?
191
00:09:56,380 --> 00:09:59,892
I'm not even having a lunch
break. There's too much paperwork.
192
00:09:59,916 --> 00:10:02,495
If you don't go to the bank
and renew the standing orders
193
00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:05,431
- They'll repossess the telly!
- That'd be no bad thing.
194
00:10:05,455 --> 00:10:08,267
It's all rubbish, anyway.
Nothing but mindless escapism.
195
00:10:08,291 --> 00:10:11,704
Oh, and "Sherlock Holmes" isn't
mindless escapism, I suppose?
196
00:10:11,728 --> 00:10:14,273
Sherlock Holmes is literature.
197
00:10:14,297 --> 00:10:16,709
- Hah!
- If it is also escapism,
198
00:10:16,733 --> 00:10:19,178
then it is good, solid escapism
199
00:10:19,202 --> 00:10:22,048
with no game shows or swearing.
200
00:10:22,072 --> 00:10:24,183
Rag week is a trying time, Patricia.
201
00:10:24,207 --> 00:10:26,352
And I think I might be forgiven
202
00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:29,055
for wanting to dream
again my boyhood dreams
203
00:10:29,079 --> 00:10:32,425
of foiling the machinations
of "the redheaded league."
204
00:10:32,449 --> 00:10:35,661
Well, we none of us
get what we want, do we?
205
00:10:35,685 --> 00:10:37,663
I know I don't.
206
00:10:37,687 --> 00:10:39,698
No, I suppose not.
207
00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:42,368
It must be a dull
business for you, sergeant,
208
00:10:42,392 --> 00:10:46,039
being attached to a
creaky old plodder like me.
209
00:10:46,063 --> 00:10:48,841
It weighs on me, you know? It does.
210
00:10:48,865 --> 00:10:51,411
Sometimes, I imagine
myself doing something
211
00:10:51,435 --> 00:10:55,114
splendidly heroic to
make you proud of me.
212
00:10:55,138 --> 00:10:57,116
Proud and happy.
213
00:10:57,140 --> 00:10:58,651
You could make me proud and happy
214
00:10:58,675 --> 00:11:00,386
by going to the bank when I asked you,
215
00:11:00,410 --> 00:11:03,779
and occasionally giving
me a damned good rogering!
216
00:11:09,186 --> 00:11:11,730
Oh dear.
217
00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:13,789
Ah-
218
00:11:15,258 --> 00:11:17,303
constable Gladstone...
219
00:11:17,327 --> 00:11:20,473
Sergeant Dawkins and I
were just discussing...
220
00:11:20,497 --> 00:11:22,764
That fellow ring.
221
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:26,302
Roger ring.
222
00:11:27,737 --> 00:11:30,272
And we were just saying...
223
00:11:31,441 --> 00:11:33,542
Well, how damned good he is, basically.
224
00:11:34,877 --> 00:11:38,357
Damned good roger ring.
225
00:11:38,381 --> 00:11:41,427
- Isn't that right, sergeant?
- Yes, that's right, dear.
226
00:11:41,451 --> 00:11:44,453
But we see so little of
him these days, don't we?
227
00:11:46,123 --> 00:11:48,991
Or indeed, his swedish
cousin - bonk.
228
00:11:55,098 --> 00:11:57,210
What do you want, Gladstone?
229
00:11:57,234 --> 00:11:59,378
What do I want?
230
00:11:59,402 --> 00:12:02,915
I don't know.
231
00:12:02,939 --> 00:12:06,408
I heard nothing, sir.
It's none of my business.
232
00:12:09,112 --> 00:12:11,580
I think we got away with that one.
233
00:12:12,882 --> 00:12:15,484
Just don't forget to go to the bank.
234
00:12:24,461 --> 00:12:27,563
Best morning we ever had
at the arcade, Maureen.
235
00:12:28,565 --> 00:12:31,066
Fivepence, tenpence...
236
00:12:33,603 --> 00:12:35,671
Hello, inspector Fowler.
237
00:12:40,977 --> 00:12:42,921
Visiting the bank?
238
00:12:42,945 --> 00:12:45,057
Thank you for pointing
that out, constable Goody.
239
00:12:45,081 --> 00:12:49,395
I was about to ask for two tickets
to see "Lawrence of Arabia."
240
00:12:49,419 --> 00:12:51,830
Do you think we're in
the right queue, sir?
241
00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:54,033
Some of the other queues
are moving much faster,
242
00:12:54,057 --> 00:12:56,091
and soon it'll be time
to be back at work.
243
00:12:57,194 --> 00:12:58,971
I think I'll swap.
244
00:12:58,995 --> 00:13:01,274
Do you think I should swap,
sir? I think I should swap.
245
00:13:01,298 --> 00:13:03,342
Some of the other queues
are moving much quicker.
246
00:13:03,366 --> 00:13:05,278
- You think I should swap queues, sir?
- Yes.
247
00:13:05,302 --> 00:13:08,113
I think you should swap queues.
I think you should swap banks.
248
00:13:08,137 --> 00:13:11,540
If I were given my choice, I'd have
you in a different country altogether.
249
00:13:13,476 --> 00:13:15,688
I've got an idea, sir.
250
00:13:15,712 --> 00:13:19,725
What if I swap queues,
but you stay here?
251
00:13:19,749 --> 00:13:21,727
Then we can keep an eye on each other.
252
00:13:21,751 --> 00:13:23,862
If you get to the window
first, I'll rush over
253
00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:25,998
and you can let me in. If
I get to the window first,
254
00:13:26,022 --> 00:13:27,900
you can come back and I'll let you in.
255
00:13:27,924 --> 00:13:31,937
No, no, what we do is we put
a bag here to save our place
256
00:13:31,961 --> 00:13:34,407
then we go and join the other queues
no, no, no, no!
257
00:13:34,431 --> 00:13:37,743
I've got a much better idea. We put a
coat and a bag at the end of each queue,
258
00:13:37,767 --> 00:13:39,945
and ask other people to
shuffle them down so we-
259
00:13:39,969 --> 00:13:42,771
constable Goody!
260
00:13:44,307 --> 00:13:46,385
Fivepence...
261
00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:49,322
Tenpence... 15...
262
00:13:49,346 --> 00:13:52,057
Excuse me? Police. Won't be a minute.
263
00:13:52,081 --> 00:13:54,059
- Ta, love.
- Yes, officer?
264
00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:56,862
I've filled it all in, and I'd
like it in 20s, please, darlin'.
265
00:13:56,886 --> 00:14:00,766
Just one moment,
detective constable Kray...
266
00:14:00,790 --> 00:14:02,901
Did you just push in?
267
00:14:02,925 --> 00:14:04,770
Well, yeah. I always do that.
268
00:14:04,794 --> 00:14:07,373
If you can't jump the odd queue,
what's the point of being a copper?
269
00:14:07,397 --> 00:14:09,675
Ta, love.
270
00:14:09,699 --> 00:14:12,211
The point, constable Kray,
271
00:14:12,235 --> 00:14:13,679
to quote the first paragraph
272
00:14:13,703 --> 00:14:16,282
of "the police statement of
common purpose and value,"
273
00:14:16,306 --> 00:14:18,751
Is to "uphold the law firmly and fairly;
274
00:14:18,775 --> 00:14:21,420
to prevent crime; to
pursue and bring to justice
275
00:14:21,444 --> 00:14:24,022
those who break the law;
to keep the queen's peace;
276
00:14:24,046 --> 00:14:26,525
to protect, help and reassure people;
277
00:14:26,549 --> 00:14:28,661
and to be seen to do
all this with integrity,
278
00:14:28,685 --> 00:14:30,496
common sense, and sound judgment."
279
00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:34,267
I seek in vain to find couched
within that glorious sentiment
280
00:14:34,291 --> 00:14:36,636
any mention of pushing in.
281
00:14:36,660 --> 00:14:39,438
Come on, sir, perks
of the job, isn't it?
282
00:14:39,462 --> 00:14:42,998
- Finished, sir.
- Here, sir, I think you've lost your place.
283
00:14:49,306 --> 00:14:50,883
Two seconds to spare.
284
00:14:50,907 --> 00:14:52,518
Good afternoon, sergeant Dawkins.
285
00:14:52,542 --> 00:14:54,820
Forgive me for not greeting
you more affectionately,
286
00:14:54,844 --> 00:14:57,222
but as you can see from the
clock, I am back on duty.
287
00:14:57,246 --> 00:15:00,058
- Did you go to the bank?
- Of course I went to the bank.
288
00:15:00,082 --> 00:15:02,227
Thank goodness
that's out of the way.
289
00:15:02,251 --> 00:15:05,331
I should perhaps add that
although I went to the bank,
290
00:15:05,355 --> 00:15:10,135
I didn't actually manage to transact
any business while I was there.
291
00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:12,805
Are you telling me you didn't
organize the standing orders?
292
00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:16,442
I fear not. You see, I
neglected to allow for the fact
293
00:15:16,466 --> 00:15:18,577
that because the banks
now spend so much money
294
00:15:18,601 --> 00:15:21,314
advertising their tawdry
services on the television,
295
00:15:21,338 --> 00:15:24,249
they can no longer afford
to actually employ any staff.
296
00:15:24,273 --> 00:15:26,786
I'm going to write to
somebody, I really am.
297
00:15:26,810 --> 00:15:30,889
Their adverts suggest this
utopian space-age world
298
00:15:30,913 --> 00:15:33,726
where money is handed out willy-nilly
299
00:15:33,750 --> 00:15:38,230
by gorgeous pouting nymphettes
with degrees in computing.
300
00:15:38,254 --> 00:15:42,100
Well, we do not require
nymphettes, pouting or otherwise.
301
00:15:42,124 --> 00:15:45,438
All we ask is that they put
some extra staff on at lunchtime
302
00:15:45,462 --> 00:15:48,307
and pens on the ends
of the little chains.
303
00:15:48,331 --> 00:15:52,077
I don't believe you, Raymond.
You can't do the simplest thing!
304
00:15:52,101 --> 00:15:56,248
Now I shall have to go after
all and make up the time.
305
00:15:56,272 --> 00:15:58,484
You're a bloody idiot,
you know that, don't you?
306
00:15:58,508 --> 00:16:01,821
- A bloody idiot!
- Please, sergeant Dawkins, we are on duty.
307
00:16:01,845 --> 00:16:04,223
I am not an idiot, I am
your commanding officer.
308
00:16:04,247 --> 00:16:07,092
I'm only an idiot between 1:00 and 2:00
309
00:16:07,116 --> 00:16:09,328
after 6:30 and at weekends.
310
00:16:09,352 --> 00:16:12,898
Well, I'm not on duty,
so you are an idiot,
311
00:16:12,922 --> 00:16:15,735
A pompous twit and a
pain in the backside.
312
00:16:15,759 --> 00:16:17,737
Maggie, you're in charge of the desk.
313
00:16:17,761 --> 00:16:19,438
Hi, inspector Fowler.
314
00:16:19,462 --> 00:16:22,207
I'm collecting tea and
biccie money. You owe £4.
315
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:25,378
I'm afraid I shall have to pay
you tomorrow, constable Gladstone.
316
00:16:25,402 --> 00:16:27,580
I was held up at the bank.
317
00:16:27,604 --> 00:16:30,406
I must say, you're
taking it very calmly.
318
00:16:32,108 --> 00:16:34,586
Right, excuse me, please.
Can I get through, please?
319
00:16:34,610 --> 00:16:35,921
Thank you very much.
320
00:16:35,945 --> 00:16:39,257
Constable Habib, I want this
lot processed and charged.
321
00:16:39,281 --> 00:16:42,628
- What for, looking stupid?
- Bloody students.
322
00:16:42,652 --> 00:16:47,032
We pay for this, you know? We
pay taxes so these imbeciles
323
00:16:47,056 --> 00:16:49,267
can send hoax threats to the police.
324
00:16:49,291 --> 00:16:51,570
They think it's a joke?
Well, it isn't a joke.
325
00:16:51,594 --> 00:16:53,806
I know what a joke
is, and this isn't it.
326
00:16:53,830 --> 00:16:56,508
A joke is something like...
327
00:16:56,532 --> 00:17:00,312
A man walks into a bar. He says
"ouch" 'cause it's a public bar-
328
00:17:00,336 --> 00:17:02,481
I mean it's an iron bar.
329
00:17:02,505 --> 00:17:04,215
Now that's a joke!
330
00:17:04,239 --> 00:17:07,642
Hhm, yes. They say it's
the way you tell them.
331
00:17:08,911 --> 00:17:10,622
Now you get on, inspector Grim.
332
00:17:10,646 --> 00:17:12,257
We'll book this lot of desperados
333
00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:15,126
and ensure they're properly
dealt with, never fear.
334
00:17:15,150 --> 00:17:19,264
I'm glad you recognize the
seriousness of the situation.
335
00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:22,100
If I'm not at the nick,
you can get me on my mobile.
336
00:17:22,124 --> 00:17:24,659
I'll give you a banana.
337
00:17:28,564 --> 00:17:30,108
Look at you.
338
00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:33,411
I can scarcely believe my eyes.
339
00:17:33,435 --> 00:17:35,614
The future of Britain,
340
00:17:35,638 --> 00:17:38,016
the cream of a proud nation.
341
00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:39,875
Oh, god help us.
342
00:17:41,677 --> 00:17:44,055
Do you honestly think
343
00:17:44,079 --> 00:17:46,892
any halfway decent japanese company
344
00:17:46,916 --> 00:17:49,895
is going to want to give
any of you lot a job?
345
00:17:49,919 --> 00:17:52,531
When Mr. Mitsubishi is asking himself,
346
00:17:52,555 --> 00:17:54,900
"where shall I construct
our new generation
347
00:17:54,924 --> 00:17:56,802
of small family hatchbacks?"
348
00:17:56,826 --> 00:17:58,937
Do you think he's going
to say "Oh, I know,
349
00:17:58,961 --> 00:18:00,105
we'll go to Britain,
350
00:18:00,129 --> 00:18:01,473
where the academic elite
351
00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:04,977
are a bunch of idiots in
tutus and gorilla masks"?
352
00:18:05,001 --> 00:18:07,412
Or will he go to continental Europe...
353
00:18:07,436 --> 00:18:11,583
Where young people wear Benetton
tops and respect authority?
354
00:18:11,607 --> 00:18:14,219
Did you ever think of that? No!
355
00:18:14,243 --> 00:18:16,555
Well, it's time you
bucked up your ideas then!
356
00:18:16,579 --> 00:18:19,290
Or before long, Britain's
name will be mud.
357
00:18:19,314 --> 00:18:22,150
Or worse, it'll be Italy.
358
00:18:24,086 --> 00:18:26,421
You're not worth
charging. Just shove off!
359
00:18:28,257 --> 00:18:30,468
I weep for our country, I really do.
360
00:18:30,492 --> 00:18:33,605
Did you know that 12-year-olds
in Holland and Belgium
361
00:18:33,629 --> 00:18:35,774
can already speak fluent english?
362
00:18:35,798 --> 00:18:38,610
They're no cleverer than
British children, sir.
363
00:18:38,634 --> 00:18:42,070
My niece is only 10 and she
can speak fluent english.
364
00:18:45,741 --> 00:18:49,177
Your head is just something you
keep your hat on, isn't it, laddie?
365
00:18:55,651 --> 00:18:57,529
Rest assured, inspector Grim,
366
00:18:57,553 --> 00:18:59,464
I have dealt with those reprobates.
367
00:18:59,488 --> 00:19:00,799
For all the good it'll do.
368
00:19:00,823 --> 00:19:02,857
You might as well have
told them to shove off.
369
00:19:04,894 --> 00:19:08,306
I'm tired of police
work. Aren't you, Raymond?
370
00:19:08,330 --> 00:19:11,176
Nothing but idiots, delinquents,
371
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:13,679
yobbos and hooligans.
372
00:19:13,703 --> 00:19:16,281
Oh, I think you're being
a bit harsh there, Derek.
373
00:19:16,305 --> 00:19:19,517
Some of your officers aren't so bad.
374
00:19:19,541 --> 00:19:22,588
You know damn well what I mean!
375
00:19:22,612 --> 00:19:24,823
It's all gone...
376
00:19:24,847 --> 00:19:26,758
Posh, snob, brainy,
377
00:19:26,782 --> 00:19:29,194
bloody, hoity-toity, up your bum
378
00:19:29,218 --> 00:19:31,486
and pardon me for living.
379
00:19:32,755 --> 00:19:34,399
I beg your pardon?
380
00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:37,869
There was a time when if a
bloke wanted to rob a bank,
381
00:19:37,893 --> 00:19:40,038
he went out and he bought a shotgun.
382
00:19:40,062 --> 00:19:43,274
Nowadays he buys a suit
from Marks & Spencers
383
00:19:43,298 --> 00:19:45,510
and gets a degree in accountancy.
384
00:19:45,534 --> 00:19:47,913
They think we're stupid,
you know that, don't you?
385
00:19:47,937 --> 00:19:51,006
I'm not stupid! I've got five o-levels.
386
00:19:52,207 --> 00:19:54,586
Two of them bloody good grades!
387
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:58,757
Uh, excuse me. Yes? Fowler.
388
00:19:58,781 --> 00:20:02,060
Raymond, I'm in the
bank. There's a hold up.
389
00:20:02,084 --> 00:20:05,063
What? Still? I don't believe it!
390
00:20:05,087 --> 00:20:06,632
They'll have to get more staff!
391
00:20:06,656 --> 00:20:08,934
I'm going to write to the
head office, I really am!
392
00:20:08,958 --> 00:20:10,301
Shut up, you fool, and listen!
393
00:20:10,325 --> 00:20:12,170
It really is a hold up
with guns.
394
00:20:12,194 --> 00:20:14,439
I'm lying face down
with the other customers.
395
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:16,441
Stay where you are!
396
00:20:16,465 --> 00:20:17,909
Don't move!
397
00:20:17,933 --> 00:20:19,811
That's what they said!
398
00:20:19,835 --> 00:20:22,347
Whose side are you on? Got to go.
399
00:20:22,371 --> 00:20:25,550
A real, live,
400
00:20:25,574 --> 00:20:28,353
armed bank robbery.
401
00:20:28,377 --> 00:20:31,880
God, I'm so happy I could cry.
402
00:20:34,583 --> 00:20:37,418
White aspect secure. 1-2, out.
403
00:20:46,461 --> 00:20:49,074
Well, thanks to sergeant
Dawkins' prompt action,
404
00:20:49,098 --> 00:20:51,176
we've got them good and cornered.
405
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:53,068
I hope they haven't shot her.
406
00:20:54,737 --> 00:20:57,482
- Have you established communications?
- Of course I have.
407
00:20:57,506 --> 00:20:58,950
You worry about your own job.
408
00:20:58,974 --> 00:21:00,952
Are the operational perimeters secure?
409
00:21:00,976 --> 00:21:03,388
My officers are in complete control.
410
00:21:03,412 --> 00:21:06,424
All right, everyone, step back a
bit, please. Come on, step back.
411
00:21:06,448 --> 00:21:10,162
There you go, son. I can't afford
much, but if it's for charity...
412
00:21:10,186 --> 00:21:13,832
- What?
- You're students, aren't you? This is a rag week stunt.
413
00:21:13,856 --> 00:21:17,402
I knew straight off
that he wasn't a copper.
414
00:21:17,426 --> 00:21:19,437
He's too young and weedy.
415
00:21:19,461 --> 00:21:21,807
I thought, "he's a student, he is."
416
00:21:21,831 --> 00:21:24,976
I ain't giving him nothing.
I've given enough already!
417
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:28,413
I've paid for your
education, you layabout.
418
00:21:28,437 --> 00:21:32,107
And for your heroin, and
your free bloody condoms!
419
00:21:33,175 --> 00:21:36,421
Look, I am not a student!
420
00:21:36,445 --> 00:21:40,025
I am a real police officer and
there is a bank robbery in progress
421
00:21:40,049 --> 00:21:42,027
so will you kindly stand back please?!
422
00:21:42,051 --> 00:21:44,462
He's very good, isn't he?
423
00:21:44,486 --> 00:21:46,664
I mean, he's really quite convincing.
424
00:21:46,688 --> 00:21:50,168
- Perhaps he's a drama student.
- I don't care what he is.
425
00:21:50,192 --> 00:21:52,670
He should get a bloody job!
426
00:21:52,694 --> 00:21:55,107
Leave him alone, he
hasn't done any harm.
427
00:21:55,131 --> 00:21:58,376
Here, you haven't got
any pot, have you, luv?
428
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,445
My rheumatism's killing me
429
00:22:00,469 --> 00:22:02,536
and paracetamol just
brings my dinner up.
430
00:22:03,538 --> 00:22:05,483
Yes, yes.
431
00:22:05,507 --> 00:22:08,053
We'll see what we can do.
432
00:22:08,077 --> 00:22:09,721
Fowler, job for you.
433
00:22:09,745 --> 00:22:11,179
Go!
434
00:22:12,748 --> 00:22:14,726
What can I do? How can I help?
435
00:22:14,750 --> 00:22:18,529
They want a pizza. Detail your
people to get them a pizza.
436
00:22:18,553 --> 00:22:21,867
Of course. And perhaps a
small selection of cupcakes.
437
00:22:21,891 --> 00:22:23,701
Standard procedure, Fowler.
438
00:22:23,725 --> 00:22:26,905
We acquiesce to the gunmen's
demands, that way we win their trust.
439
00:22:26,929 --> 00:22:28,506
Brilliant, Grim.
440
00:22:28,530 --> 00:22:31,109
We win their trust by
buying them a pizza.
441
00:22:31,133 --> 00:22:35,580
Why it seems so simple. I wonder if
the same tactics could work in Bosnia?
442
00:22:35,604 --> 00:22:36,915
Just do your job, Fowler.
443
00:22:36,939 --> 00:22:39,740
And if the shooting
starts, keep your head down.
444
00:22:41,376 --> 00:22:42,743
Go!
445
00:22:44,446 --> 00:22:47,058
But there mustn't be any
shooting, for heaven's sake.
446
00:22:47,082 --> 00:22:49,027
There are innocent people in there.
447
00:22:49,051 --> 00:22:51,596
Patricia's in there.
We must talk to them.
448
00:22:51,620 --> 00:22:53,598
I have talked to them. They won't budge.
449
00:22:53,622 --> 00:22:55,834
I've used all my negotiating skills.
450
00:22:55,858 --> 00:22:59,104
Look, Grim, you have all
the negotiating skills
451
00:22:59,128 --> 00:23:01,039
of an embittered rottweiler.
452
00:23:01,063 --> 00:23:05,177
Your telephone manner is about as
appealing as a pub toilet at closing time.
453
00:23:05,201 --> 00:23:07,101
Let me talk to them.
454
00:23:08,204 --> 00:23:10,315
No can do!
455
00:23:10,339 --> 00:23:12,784
This is C.I.D. business,
456
00:23:12,808 --> 00:23:14,976
and that is my phone.
457
00:23:16,178 --> 00:23:18,990
The woman I love is in that bank.
458
00:23:19,014 --> 00:23:20,792
Let me talk to them.
459
00:23:20,816 --> 00:23:23,061
Just order the pizza.
460
00:23:23,085 --> 00:23:26,721
Sir, if I give him the money,
do you think he'll get me one?
461
00:23:27,723 --> 00:23:30,268
Goody, the criminals desire a pizza.
462
00:23:30,292 --> 00:23:32,070
- Kindly order one.
- Yes, sir.
463
00:23:32,094 --> 00:23:34,039
Oh, what sort of pizza, sir?
464
00:23:34,063 --> 00:23:36,041
I don't know, spicy gerbil flavored.
465
00:23:36,065 --> 00:23:38,276
- Just get the pizza.
- Do you mean the works?
466
00:23:38,300 --> 00:23:40,879
- What?
- The works, sir. It means all the toppings.
467
00:23:40,903 --> 00:23:43,014
Yes, yes, who cares?
Just order everything.
468
00:23:43,038 --> 00:23:44,950
No, I don't think
that's a good idea, sir.
469
00:23:44,974 --> 00:23:48,854
Everything includes anchovies. Lots
of people hate anchovies. I know I do.
470
00:23:48,878 --> 00:23:51,356
Anchovies could send these
villains over the edge.
471
00:23:51,380 --> 00:23:53,558
And pineapple. I only know one person
472
00:23:53,582 --> 00:23:55,493
out of all my friends who has pineapple.
473
00:23:55,517 --> 00:23:59,865
"Tangy tropical" he has, and
the rest of us go "ugghh!"
474
00:23:59,889 --> 00:24:02,567
Personally, I find the idea
of any seafood on a pizza
475
00:24:02,591 --> 00:24:05,470
- Quite repulsive.
- Yeah, I always pick the olives off.
476
00:24:05,494 --> 00:24:06,972
Give them to me... look, Goody,
477
00:24:06,996 --> 00:24:10,008
just get a plain cheese and
tomato pizza and get it now!
478
00:24:10,032 --> 00:24:12,510
Oh
Do you think they'll want garlic bread?
479
00:24:12,534 --> 00:24:14,568
Just get the-
480
00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:21,442
on second thoughts, I'll do it myself.
481
00:24:22,577 --> 00:24:24,522
Yes, it's coming.
482
00:24:24,546 --> 00:24:26,657
Where the hell is
Fowler with that pizza?
483
00:24:26,681 --> 00:24:29,784
I want to make a complaint
about police harassment.
484
00:24:30,819 --> 00:24:32,530
Fowler.
485
00:24:32,554 --> 00:24:34,389
Where's Fowler?
486
00:24:55,210 --> 00:24:56,888
Pizza delivery.
487
00:24:56,912 --> 00:24:59,490
If it isn't hot,
there's a 50 pence refund
488
00:24:59,514 --> 00:25:03,594
on your next purchase
of diet or regular pepsi.
489
00:25:03,618 --> 00:25:06,864
But it only applies between 6:30
and 7:00 mondays and tuesdays,
490
00:25:06,888 --> 00:25:09,690
subject to availability.
Usual restrictions apply.
491
00:25:21,203 --> 00:25:24,405
Well, I might have known.
492
00:25:26,775 --> 00:25:29,254
Now this time, you
really have gone too far.
493
00:25:29,278 --> 00:25:31,622
All right, lob us the pizza.
494
00:25:31,646 --> 00:25:34,259
Then get lying on the
floor with them other lot.
495
00:25:34,283 --> 00:25:37,495
"Lob us the pizza"? "them other lot"?
496
00:25:37,519 --> 00:25:39,697
Great jangling jelly babies,
497
00:25:39,721 --> 00:25:41,632
if you'd spend more time in lectures
498
00:25:41,656 --> 00:25:44,069
instead of playing
ridiculous pranks like this
499
00:25:44,093 --> 00:25:46,037
you might sound slightly less moronic.
500
00:25:46,061 --> 00:25:48,306
This rag nonsense has
gone quite far enough.
501
00:25:48,330 --> 00:25:50,175
You're all in very serious trouble.
502
00:25:50,199 --> 00:25:52,110
Now hand over those ridiculous toys.
503
00:25:52,134 --> 00:25:54,079
I'll kill you, you bastard!
504
00:25:54,103 --> 00:25:57,315
Don't you dare take that
tone with me, laddie.
505
00:25:57,339 --> 00:26:00,051
There's nothing clever
about foul language.
506
00:26:00,075 --> 00:26:03,144
I... am a police officer.
507
00:26:04,413 --> 00:26:06,657
And you are all under arrest.
508
00:26:06,681 --> 00:26:09,394
Get away or you're dead.
509
00:26:09,418 --> 00:26:10,896
I'm going to count to 10.
510
00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:12,397
One...
511
00:26:12,421 --> 00:26:13,564
Two...
512
00:26:13,588 --> 00:26:15,100
Don't, Reg!
513
00:26:15,124 --> 00:26:17,668
I don't want anything to
do with murdering coppers.
514
00:26:17,692 --> 00:26:21,206
If you hurt him, I'll shove
that gun so far down your throat
515
00:26:21,230 --> 00:26:23,674
you'll be blowing bullets
out of your backside!
516
00:26:23,698 --> 00:26:26,500
Blimey, they're all coppers!
517
00:26:29,671 --> 00:26:31,216
Thank you.
518
00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:34,409
I've never heard of such
naughtiness, I really haven't.
519
00:26:41,183 --> 00:26:44,385
All right, Grim, the "siege" is over.
520
00:26:45,387 --> 00:26:46,854
Don't - tch!
521
00:26:49,691 --> 00:26:52,737
Oh, Raymond, you were wonderful.
522
00:26:52,761 --> 00:26:54,872
I was so proud of you.
523
00:26:54,896 --> 00:26:56,741
I was very proud of you too, Patricia.
524
00:26:56,765 --> 00:26:58,543
You were most intimidating.
525
00:26:58,567 --> 00:27:01,112
I certainly wouldn't want
to meet you on a dark night.
526
00:27:01,136 --> 00:27:03,737
Except to sleep with me.
527
00:27:06,075 --> 00:27:07,808
Well, quite.
528
00:27:09,111 --> 00:27:11,356
I'm the manager of this
bank, and I have to say
529
00:27:11,380 --> 00:27:13,425
you acted with tremendous courage.
530
00:27:13,449 --> 00:27:15,427
Thank god it's all over.
531
00:27:15,451 --> 00:27:17,118
Go, go, go!
532
00:27:23,625 --> 00:27:26,560
Well, you broke every
rule in the book, Fowler.
533
00:27:27,662 --> 00:27:29,341
Though I can't deny you...
534
00:27:29,365 --> 00:27:31,576
Ended the siege without bloodshed.
535
00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:36,014
It's pretty cool to talk
round armed robbers like that.
536
00:27:36,038 --> 00:27:38,916
Oh really, Grim? Hasn't
the penny dropped?
537
00:27:38,940 --> 00:27:42,287
Armed robbers? I hardly think so.
538
00:27:42,311 --> 00:27:46,657
Why, under these silly masks, you'll
find no craggy-faced criminals,
539
00:27:46,681 --> 00:27:49,060
but beardless spotty-faced students
540
00:27:49,084 --> 00:27:50,184
on a rag stunt.
541
00:27:53,288 --> 00:27:56,424
There are plenty of mature
students at college these days.
542
00:28:03,632 --> 00:28:05,276
So...
543
00:28:05,300 --> 00:28:07,545
Three desperate villains,
just as I thought.
544
00:28:07,569 --> 00:28:10,781
Both of you risked your lives for us.
545
00:28:10,805 --> 00:28:13,618
Now is there anything
anything the bank can do for you?
546
00:28:13,642 --> 00:28:15,820
No, no, the only reward
a police officer needs
547
00:28:15,844 --> 00:28:17,588
is to know that he's done his duty,
548
00:28:17,612 --> 00:28:20,392
served his community and
ensured that, as ever,
549
00:28:20,416 --> 00:28:23,194
the thin blue line remains unbroken.
550
00:28:23,218 --> 00:28:26,064
Of course, you could
renew our standing orders.
551
00:28:26,088 --> 00:28:28,233
- Oh yes, actually.
- I'm awfully sorry, sir,
552
00:28:28,257 --> 00:28:30,758
the bank closed three minutes ago.
40881
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.