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1
00:00:38,861 --> 00:00:40,672
Okay, give me more pressure.
2
00:00:40,696 --> 00:00:44,310
- Great, great guys.
- Wonderful.
3
00:00:44,334 --> 00:00:46,568
God, that man can handle a hose.
4
00:00:48,671 --> 00:00:50,682
Yeah, well, they're
just doing their job,
5
00:00:50,706 --> 00:00:52,684
and I really think we
should be doing ours.
6
00:00:52,708 --> 00:00:55,354
Look what I found
dropped outside the house.
7
00:00:55,378 --> 00:00:58,157
- What?
- What?
8
00:00:58,181 --> 00:01:00,559
It's a dead match, Maggie. A dead match.
9
00:01:00,583 --> 00:01:03,629
- What does that tell you?
- It tells me somebody dropped a match.
10
00:01:03,653 --> 00:01:06,632
So we have a dead match
and we have a fire.
11
00:01:06,656 --> 00:01:08,567
Do you see the connection?
12
00:01:08,591 --> 00:01:10,402
All right, I'll give you a clue.
13
00:01:10,426 --> 00:01:12,371
Two syllables, the first one is "arse."
14
00:01:12,395 --> 00:01:14,607
What do you think the second one is?
15
00:01:14,631 --> 00:01:16,542
- Brain?
- Yes, exactly.
16
00:01:16,566 --> 00:01:19,778
What we have here is a
case of arse-brain-arson.
17
00:01:19,802 --> 00:01:21,703
People drop matches all the time, Kevin.
18
00:01:23,039 --> 00:01:25,251
Evening, officers. Nasty little fire.
19
00:01:25,275 --> 00:01:27,753
Old lady dropped a chip
pan full of burning fat.
20
00:01:27,777 --> 00:01:29,488
God knows, we try to tell 'em.
21
00:01:29,512 --> 00:01:32,691
"Don't drop chip pans full
of burning fat," we say.
22
00:01:32,715 --> 00:01:35,594
It must be heartbreaking
for guys like you
23
00:01:35,618 --> 00:01:37,095
who have to pick up the pieces.
24
00:01:37,119 --> 00:01:39,097
You tell yourself, "it's a job.
25
00:01:39,121 --> 00:01:41,300
Walk away, Gary. Walk away."
26
00:01:41,324 --> 00:01:43,602
But saving lives is
a heart and soul thing
27
00:01:43,626 --> 00:01:45,837
and you can't just walk away from that.
28
00:01:45,861 --> 00:01:48,407
Listen, I've been eating burning flames
29
00:01:48,431 --> 00:01:50,776
and acrid smoke all
day. You fancy a brew?
30
00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:53,078
- No, thanks.
- Oh yeah, that'd be lovely.
31
00:01:53,102 --> 00:01:55,147
Yes, I see.
32
00:01:55,171 --> 00:01:57,416
Your briefing for this evening's
33
00:01:57,440 --> 00:02:00,118
neighborhood watch meeting, sir.
34
00:02:00,142 --> 00:02:03,789
You say you were involved in
the recent armed robberies?
35
00:02:03,813 --> 00:02:06,258
The brains of the outfit you say?
36
00:02:06,282 --> 00:02:08,694
I see, and your name?
37
00:02:08,718 --> 00:02:10,862
Al...
38
00:02:10,886 --> 00:02:13,054
Capone.
39
00:02:14,757 --> 00:02:17,269
Yes, thank you, Mr. Capone.
40
00:02:17,293 --> 00:02:19,071
Should you have any further information,
41
00:02:19,095 --> 00:02:21,039
could you ring dr. Veejay Narim
42
00:02:21,063 --> 00:02:23,742
at Gasforth psychiatric hospital?
43
00:02:23,766 --> 00:02:25,511
Thank you, goodbye.
44
00:02:25,535 --> 00:02:28,314
God save us from these lunatics.
45
00:02:28,338 --> 00:02:30,882
What lunatics are those then, Raymond?
46
00:02:30,906 --> 00:02:32,907
Your officers?
47
00:02:35,144 --> 00:02:37,256
I'm being pestered by a hoaxer.
48
00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:39,925
One minute he claims
to have killed Kennedy,
49
00:02:39,949 --> 00:02:42,718
the next he's having morning
coffee with Lord Lucan.
50
00:02:43,786 --> 00:02:46,465
Oh well, pity the poor plod, eh?
51
00:02:46,489 --> 00:02:48,400
Funny, isn't it?
52
00:02:48,424 --> 00:02:50,569
Here we are, both coppers,
53
00:02:50,593 --> 00:02:52,871
except you deal with pretend criminals
54
00:02:52,895 --> 00:02:54,707
and I deal with real ones.
55
00:02:54,731 --> 00:02:56,975
As it happens, I'm about to crack
56
00:02:56,999 --> 00:02:58,644
the biggest case of my career.
57
00:02:58,668 --> 00:03:01,680
Oh really, Derek? Perhaps
you'd like to illuminate me.
58
00:03:01,704 --> 00:03:04,015
No can tell, Raymond. Top security.
59
00:03:04,039 --> 00:03:06,017
Oh well, suit yourself.
60
00:03:06,041 --> 00:03:08,654
Yeah, all right, I'll give you a clue.
61
00:03:08,678 --> 00:03:12,391
But this is hush-hush,
winky-winky and all that.
62
00:03:12,415 --> 00:03:16,785
Two syllables
"terror" and "ism."
63
00:03:19,422 --> 00:03:22,234
Sir, it's the bomber.
64
00:03:22,258 --> 00:03:24,169
He's on the line and
he wants to talk to you.
65
00:03:24,193 --> 00:03:27,606
Ah, ah! Security, Kray.
Need-to-know-basis.
66
00:03:27,630 --> 00:03:30,242
- Use the code.
- Sorry, sir.
67
00:03:30,266 --> 00:03:32,911
Mr. Bang-bang is on the line.
68
00:03:32,935 --> 00:03:34,846
Well, that should cover your trail.
69
00:03:34,870 --> 00:03:37,115
I've routed the call through
to special branch, sir.
70
00:03:37,139 --> 00:03:39,084
Keep him on the line,
we're gonna trace the call.
71
00:03:39,108 --> 00:03:43,188
Hello. Quick, pen. Pen!
72
00:03:43,212 --> 00:03:45,056
Right, I think he's giving me a code.
73
00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:48,494
He's asking if I want garlic sauce.
74
00:03:48,518 --> 00:03:51,553
Sorry, sir, I think I've
given you the wrong phone.
75
00:03:52,855 --> 00:03:55,390
I was just ordering a kebab.
76
00:03:57,860 --> 00:04:00,872
Hello?
77
00:04:00,896 --> 00:04:02,030
Hello?
78
00:04:03,399 --> 00:04:06,344
Then the ambulance guy said
the old lady was a goner.
79
00:04:06,368 --> 00:04:09,214
But I soon brought her round with
a bit of intensive mouth-to-mouth.
80
00:04:09,238 --> 00:04:11,850
Lucky old lady.
81
00:04:11,874 --> 00:04:14,787
- Oh god, I'm sounding really stupid.
- Yes, you are.
82
00:04:14,811 --> 00:04:17,445
So how about you then, Kevin?
You ever saved anybody's life?
83
00:04:19,415 --> 00:04:20,926
Yes, I have actually. Lots of people.
84
00:04:20,950 --> 00:04:23,829
Oh, yeah, Kevin. How's that then?
85
00:04:23,853 --> 00:04:26,965
There was this village and
their water supply was poisoned.
86
00:04:26,989 --> 00:04:30,936
I got lots of fresh stuff to
them and saved hundreds of people.
87
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:32,738
Wow, Kevin...
88
00:04:32,762 --> 00:04:35,530
Incredible. How did you manage that?
89
00:04:37,333 --> 00:04:39,111
I don't really want to talk about it.
90
00:04:39,135 --> 00:04:40,746
Oh come on, Kevin.
91
00:04:40,770 --> 00:04:42,848
How did you do it?
92
00:04:42,872 --> 00:04:46,942
I sat in a bath full of baked beans
and made �50 for "comic relief."
93
00:04:54,917 --> 00:04:56,628
Sergeant Dawkins-
94
00:04:56,652 --> 00:04:59,098
darling?
95
00:04:59,122 --> 00:05:00,866
I fear I shall miss
supper again tonight.
96
00:05:00,890 --> 00:05:03,202
- I have a neighborhood watch meeting.
- Yes, I know.
97
00:05:03,226 --> 00:05:05,971
I'm going to make a stew. I'll
leave some in the slow cooker.
98
00:05:05,995 --> 00:05:07,706
Ah yes, absolutely.
99
00:05:07,730 --> 00:05:09,341
Lovely, delicious.
100
00:05:09,365 --> 00:05:12,878
What a splendid thought.
101
00:05:12,902 --> 00:05:15,981
Or else I could just stop off at a
take-away to save you that trouble.
102
00:05:16,005 --> 00:05:18,439
No trouble. I've already
diced the turnips.
103
00:05:20,409 --> 00:05:22,087
Good, good,
104
00:05:22,111 --> 00:05:25,513
so that's settled then. Warmed-up stew.
105
00:05:26,749 --> 00:05:28,794
What a treat.
106
00:05:28,818 --> 00:05:30,362
Much better than bringing home
107
00:05:30,386 --> 00:05:33,398
some dull old chicken tika masala
108
00:05:33,422 --> 00:05:38,503
with rogan josh and fluffy naan bread,
109
00:05:38,527 --> 00:05:42,540
and pilau rice, lots of crispy papadams,
110
00:05:42,564 --> 00:05:44,576
pickled chutney,
111
00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:47,646
cool, cool cucumber raita.
112
00:05:47,670 --> 00:05:50,482
Huh! Thank goodness I won't be trying
113
00:05:50,506 --> 00:05:53,385
to force that down my throat tonight.
114
00:05:53,409 --> 00:05:56,221
No, I'm having lovely stew.
115
00:05:56,245 --> 00:05:58,757
Yum.
116
00:05:58,781 --> 00:06:01,860
- Unless it's too much trouble.
- I've said it's no trouble.
117
00:06:01,884 --> 00:06:04,696
But by all means get yourself
a curry if that's what you want.
118
00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:08,123
I've no desire to spend my evening
scrubbing your root vegetables.
119
00:06:09,692 --> 00:06:11,536
If you don't appreciate my cooking-
120
00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:14,273
appreciate it? I adore your cooking.
121
00:06:14,297 --> 00:06:17,542
Why that lamb casserole you
left in the pot for me last night
122
00:06:17,566 --> 00:06:19,577
was absolutely...
123
00:06:19,601 --> 00:06:20,836
Fascinating.
124
00:06:22,438 --> 00:06:24,883
It was chicken chasseur.
125
00:06:24,907 --> 00:06:27,719
Yes, you see? You see? Your
cuisine is so intriguing.
126
00:06:27,743 --> 00:06:30,823
Raymond, I'm busy.
127
00:06:30,847 --> 00:06:34,726
Yes, well
well, we both had a busy day.
128
00:06:34,750 --> 00:06:37,229
Let me tell you, sergeant darling,
129
00:06:37,253 --> 00:06:39,487
I'm looking forward to
getting into bed tonight.
130
00:06:41,590 --> 00:06:44,069
- Really, Raymond?
- Dear me, yes.
131
00:06:44,093 --> 00:06:46,604
A chapter of John Buchan
and a chocolate hobnob
132
00:06:46,628 --> 00:06:48,964
look pretty good from
where I'm standing.
133
00:06:52,134 --> 00:06:53,678
So he says,
134
00:06:53,702 --> 00:06:56,114
"god save us from these lunatics."
135
00:06:56,138 --> 00:06:58,050
And I says,
136
00:06:58,074 --> 00:07:00,319
"what lunatics are those then, Raymond?
137
00:07:00,343 --> 00:07:02,744
Your officers?"
138
00:07:07,750 --> 00:07:10,395
Superb, sir. Don't tell me anymore,
139
00:07:10,419 --> 00:07:13,054
someone's got to use
this seat next shift.
140
00:07:20,630 --> 00:07:23,007
Ladies and gentlemen...
141
00:07:23,031 --> 00:07:24,776
Thank you all very much for coming.
142
00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,746
Before we begin, I'd just
like to set your minds at rest
143
00:07:27,770 --> 00:07:30,349
about one or two popular misconceptions
144
00:07:30,373 --> 00:07:32,117
about the neighborhood watch scheme.
145
00:07:32,141 --> 00:07:36,688
Rest assured, this is
not a busybody's charter.
146
00:07:36,712 --> 00:07:39,057
The police are not encouraging people
147
00:07:39,081 --> 00:07:41,192
to spy on their neighbors,
148
00:07:41,216 --> 00:07:44,062
to view all strangers with suspicion,
149
00:07:44,086 --> 00:07:47,999
or to complain loudly about
anything or anyone they don't like.
150
00:07:48,023 --> 00:07:50,492
Okay, so I'm off.
151
00:08:02,772 --> 00:08:05,584
Wow, Maggie... You look
great, really great.
152
00:08:05,608 --> 00:08:07,909
- What a babe.
- Thanks.
153
00:08:10,780 --> 00:08:13,348
Do you fancy a quick one?
154
00:08:14,383 --> 00:08:16,227
No, I mean a drink drink.
155
00:08:16,251 --> 00:08:19,398
Well, thank you, Mr. Biggs.
156
00:08:19,422 --> 00:08:20,666
It was good of you-
157
00:08:20,690 --> 00:08:22,990
it was good of you to call
all the way from Brazil.
158
00:08:25,695 --> 00:08:28,663
Nice boobs
shoes! Shoes!
159
00:08:30,132 --> 00:08:33,401
God, I didn't say that, did
I? Did I say boobs? Did I?
160
00:08:34,670 --> 00:08:36,181
You haven't got nice boobs.
161
00:08:36,205 --> 00:08:38,483
Well, I mean you have.
162
00:08:38,507 --> 00:08:40,585
You have got nice-
163
00:08:40,609 --> 00:08:43,221
oh god, sorry.
164
00:08:43,245 --> 00:08:46,581
Yes, I'll certainly remember you
to chief superintendent Slipper.
165
00:08:48,917 --> 00:08:51,763
More phantom criminals, Raymond?
166
00:08:51,787 --> 00:08:53,998
How's the real police
work going, constable Kray?
167
00:08:54,022 --> 00:08:56,968
- Not bad, sir. It paid to ring around.
- Oh, yes?
168
00:08:56,992 --> 00:08:58,269
I got a woman here
169
00:08:58,293 --> 00:09:00,472
says if we buy family-size
instead of standard,
170
00:09:00,496 --> 00:09:02,530
we get a free drink with every pizza.
171
00:09:03,999 --> 00:09:06,345
I'm talking about the investigation
172
00:09:06,369 --> 00:09:08,347
into urban terrorism.
173
00:09:08,371 --> 00:09:12,150
- Gasforth police station.
- I'll have you know, Grim,
174
00:09:12,174 --> 00:09:13,852
that we in the uniformed division
175
00:09:13,876 --> 00:09:16,521
are also at the cutting
edge of modern policing.
176
00:09:16,545 --> 00:09:18,256
Oh dear...
177
00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:20,124
Well, have you tried putting
178
00:09:20,148 --> 00:09:23,485
a saucer of milk at
the bottom of the tree?
179
00:09:27,890 --> 00:09:31,493
Uh-huh. Well, how about
shaking the branch?
180
00:09:32,895 --> 00:09:34,906
I'm off now, sir, good night.
181
00:09:34,930 --> 00:09:37,809
Oh, you look very splendid
this evening, constable Habib.
182
00:09:37,833 --> 00:09:40,979
- Meeting someone special?
- Perhaps, sir.
183
00:09:41,003 --> 00:09:42,714
I've met this fireman.
184
00:09:42,738 --> 00:09:44,739
Ahhhh!
185
00:09:46,442 --> 00:09:48,553
Are you ill, constable Goody?
186
00:09:48,577 --> 00:09:52,391
Oh no, sorry, sir.
Touch of wind, I think.
187
00:09:52,415 --> 00:09:55,260
Well, I'm not surprised.
You seem to exist entirely
188
00:09:55,284 --> 00:09:56,995
on fizzy drinks and crisps.
189
00:09:57,019 --> 00:09:59,987
I shudder to think of
the state of your bowels.
190
00:10:01,089 --> 00:10:03,124
Now get on with your work.
191
00:10:04,259 --> 00:10:06,004
So a fireman, eh, constable?
192
00:10:06,028 --> 00:10:07,972
Well, I applaud your choice.
193
00:10:07,996 --> 00:10:10,609
A splendid body of public servants.
194
00:10:10,633 --> 00:10:14,513
I never cease to be thrilled
when I attend the scene of a fire
195
00:10:14,537 --> 00:10:17,315
and amid all that fear and passion
196
00:10:17,339 --> 00:10:20,285
some giant of a man
emerges from the heat
197
00:10:20,309 --> 00:10:23,187
carrying a helpless damsel in his arms,
198
00:10:23,211 --> 00:10:26,792
laying her down, planting
his mouth upon hers,
199
00:10:26,816 --> 00:10:29,528
and applying himself with rhythmic vigor
200
00:10:29,552 --> 00:10:34,098
until she moans and gasps
201
00:10:34,122 --> 00:10:36,958
and then we know that all is well.
202
00:10:39,261 --> 00:10:41,406
Of course, nothing like
that's going to happen
203
00:10:41,430 --> 00:10:42,707
on a pleasant evening out.
204
00:10:42,731 --> 00:10:46,077
Well, we live in hope, don't we, sir?
205
00:10:46,101 --> 00:10:47,869
Good night.
206
00:10:49,572 --> 00:10:51,182
Constable Goody,
207
00:10:51,206 --> 00:10:54,085
if I'd wanted a dead
halibut for a colleague,
208
00:10:54,109 --> 00:10:56,611
I would have become a fishmonger.
209
00:10:59,014 --> 00:11:01,426
Pat... someone
to see you, Maggie.
210
00:11:01,450 --> 00:11:03,695
Oh! Hello, Gary.
211
00:11:03,719 --> 00:11:06,431
Pat, this is Gary. His name's Gary.
212
00:11:06,455 --> 00:11:08,433
Habib-
213
00:11:08,457 --> 00:11:10,535
oh...
214
00:11:10,559 --> 00:11:12,904
Hope I wasn't late.
215
00:11:12,928 --> 00:11:16,407
Had to rescue 16 children from
a burning bedroom this afternoon.
216
00:11:16,431 --> 00:11:18,443
Gosh, Gary amazing.
217
00:11:18,467 --> 00:11:21,212
Normally not a problem, but
the stairwell was a furnace
218
00:11:21,236 --> 00:11:24,449
and I had to lower the kids down
the outside wall using my braces.
219
00:11:24,473 --> 00:11:27,519
Gosh, Gary amazing.
220
00:11:27,543 --> 00:11:29,220
The funny thing was that afterwards,
221
00:11:29,244 --> 00:11:31,723
while the terrified mother
was thanking me brokenly,
222
00:11:31,747 --> 00:11:34,425
my trousers fell down.
223
00:11:34,449 --> 00:11:38,797
- Gosh Gary
- Amazing.
224
00:11:38,821 --> 00:11:42,501
Where's Kev? - I didn't mention
it to him we were going out.
225
00:11:42,525 --> 00:11:45,159
You know, two's company and he's a berk.
226
00:11:46,261 --> 00:11:47,873
Hi, Kev.
227
00:11:47,897 --> 00:11:50,809
Fancy a pint? Or 10?
228
00:11:50,833 --> 00:11:52,544
He doesn't want a drink.
229
00:11:52,568 --> 00:11:54,412
Come on, Gary, we should be going.
230
00:11:54,436 --> 00:11:56,648
Doesn't want a drink? Of
course he wants a drink.
231
00:11:56,672 --> 00:11:58,483
He's a copper, isn't he?
232
00:11:58,507 --> 00:12:01,520
Oh, unless, of course,
he's one of them whoopsies.
233
00:12:01,544 --> 00:12:03,021
One of those "fruit flavored,
234
00:12:03,045 --> 00:12:05,212
water and a tub of
cottage cheese" merchants.
235
00:12:06,649 --> 00:12:08,827
Actually, I'm very, very busy.
236
00:12:08,851 --> 00:12:10,595
Got a lot of important work to do here.
237
00:12:10,619 --> 00:12:13,097
I'm at the very cutting edge
of modern policing, mate,
238
00:12:13,121 --> 00:12:16,200
and believe me, it's tough out
on those mean streets, all right?
239
00:12:16,224 --> 00:12:18,670
Constable Goody, your duty report
240
00:12:18,694 --> 00:12:20,972
on this morning's tuck shop disturbances
241
00:12:20,996 --> 00:12:24,009
at "all saints infants" is a disgrace.
242
00:12:24,033 --> 00:12:25,544
There's an "h" in walnut whip,
243
00:12:25,568 --> 00:12:30,448
and "crunchie" is spelled
with an "ie," not a "y."
244
00:12:30,472 --> 00:12:33,818
Sir, we've located Mr. Bang-bang.
We've traced his call.
245
00:12:33,842 --> 00:12:35,887
I hope you got telecom
to chase the right line.
246
00:12:35,911 --> 00:12:39,547
I don't want to get special branch
down to raid your kebab shop.
247
00:12:41,083 --> 00:12:42,961
Special branch, eh, Derek?
248
00:12:42,985 --> 00:12:44,930
Sounds exciting.
249
00:12:44,954 --> 00:12:49,233
- Perhaps I can help.
- I don't think so, Raymond.
250
00:12:49,257 --> 00:12:51,036
Different disciplines, you see?
251
00:12:51,060 --> 00:12:53,861
Me, detective. You, plod.
252
00:12:55,530 --> 00:12:57,442
Quite frankly, covert operations
253
00:12:57,466 --> 00:12:59,410
are tricky enough without uniforms
254
00:12:59,434 --> 00:13:03,104
sticking their size-12
boots in and fannying about.
255
00:13:04,573 --> 00:13:06,918
Sorry, mate, but you do
understand, don't you?
256
00:13:06,942 --> 00:13:09,353
Yes. I didn't really have time anyway.
257
00:13:09,377 --> 00:13:10,922
Lots to do, lots to do.
258
00:13:10,946 --> 00:13:13,881
Sir, I've got those doggy-doo
details you asked for.
259
00:13:16,151 --> 00:13:18,697
Pavement fouling is really
getting out of hand, sir.
260
00:13:18,721 --> 00:13:21,623
And personally, I think
it's time we stamped on it.
261
00:13:24,627 --> 00:13:28,039
Oh thanks, Gary, it's been lovely.
262
00:13:28,063 --> 00:13:31,075
I think maybe I drank a bit too much.
263
00:13:31,099 --> 00:13:33,378
Now were you trying to get me tiddly?
264
00:13:33,402 --> 00:13:34,746
You don't have to try too hard
265
00:13:34,770 --> 00:13:37,549
with a girl who drinks
tequila from the bottle.
266
00:13:37,573 --> 00:13:39,651
Yeah, sorry about that.
267
00:13:39,675 --> 00:13:42,987
- Right, I'll be off.
- Oh, are you not coming in for a coffee?
268
00:13:43,011 --> 00:13:45,290
I've got a packet of condoms
I mean biscuits.
269
00:13:45,314 --> 00:13:49,150
- Oh, dear.
- I best be off.
270
00:13:52,154 --> 00:13:54,966
I'll call round the
station tomorrow, all right?
271
00:13:54,990 --> 00:13:56,601
- Yeah.
- Bye.
272
00:13:56,625 --> 00:13:58,760
See ya.
273
00:14:02,197 --> 00:14:05,209
I was that rat-faced. I waved goodbye,
274
00:14:05,233 --> 00:14:06,778
went bum-up over the privet,
275
00:14:06,802 --> 00:14:10,114
and flashed my frillies at the
dirty-curtain twitcher in number 29.
276
00:14:10,138 --> 00:14:11,783
Sounds like a big night.
277
00:14:11,807 --> 00:14:13,718
Is there anything you
woke up regretting?
278
00:14:13,742 --> 00:14:15,876
Yeah, that I didn't shag him.
279
00:14:20,115 --> 00:14:23,328
Do you always do it on a first date?
280
00:14:23,352 --> 00:14:25,863
Well, of course not, obviously.
281
00:14:25,887 --> 00:14:28,667
But he's so gorgeous,
Pat, and really handsome.
282
00:14:28,691 --> 00:14:30,268
Oh, he looks great in his helmet.
283
00:14:30,292 --> 00:14:33,037
I'm surprised they can find
one big enough to fit him.
284
00:14:33,061 --> 00:14:35,573
Oh, you've got him all
wrong, Pat. He's lovely.
285
00:14:35,597 --> 00:14:38,176
I mean, all right, he's
a bit full of himself.
286
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,612
But he's a decent bloke.
I mean, last night,
287
00:14:40,636 --> 00:14:42,580
I was offering it on a plate.
288
00:14:42,604 --> 00:14:45,082
But I was drunk and he
didn't take advantage.
289
00:14:45,106 --> 00:14:47,519
I mean, how many blokes
at the end of an evening
290
00:14:47,543 --> 00:14:50,588
would leave you alone like
that? Not even try for a kiss?
291
00:14:50,612 --> 00:14:52,814
Morning, everyone.
292
00:14:57,720 --> 00:14:59,397
Everything's coming together, sir.
293
00:14:59,421 --> 00:15:01,165
We've got a surveillance team in place
294
00:15:01,189 --> 00:15:03,468
and special branch have
taken their position.
295
00:15:03,492 --> 00:15:05,169
Christ, I haven't been so excited
296
00:15:05,193 --> 00:15:08,807
since they introduced
the american-style siren.
297
00:15:08,831 --> 00:15:11,876
- Morning, morning.
- Morning, sir.
298
00:15:11,900 --> 00:15:14,011
Another day dawns in
our ceaseless battle
299
00:15:14,035 --> 00:15:16,237
with the forces of anarchy and chaos.
300
00:15:19,808 --> 00:15:21,809
There's a helmet on my hook.
301
00:15:23,144 --> 00:15:25,423
Somebody's put a helmet
on my special hook.
302
00:15:25,447 --> 00:15:28,426
Sorry, sir, wasn't thinking.
303
00:15:28,450 --> 00:15:31,563
You're a police officer. You
should be thinking all the time.
304
00:15:31,587 --> 00:15:33,498
Supposing the forces
of anarchy and chaos
305
00:15:33,522 --> 00:15:37,001
had turned up while
you weren't thinking?
306
00:15:37,025 --> 00:15:39,671
They'd have thought it was
christmas, wouldn't they?
307
00:15:39,695 --> 00:15:42,440
- Yes, I suppose so, sir.
- You suppose right, sir.
308
00:15:42,464 --> 00:15:46,210
A policeman's hat is not something
to be hurled about willy-nilly.
309
00:15:46,234 --> 00:15:48,980
It's his crowning glory.
310
00:15:49,004 --> 00:15:51,850
On personal loan, I
might add, from the queen.
311
00:15:51,874 --> 00:15:54,519
Go on.
312
00:15:54,543 --> 00:15:56,220
It must be cosseted and cared for,
313
00:15:56,244 --> 00:15:59,357
the badge polished
and the fabric brushed.
314
00:15:59,381 --> 00:16:01,559
I take my hat very seriously,
315
00:16:01,583 --> 00:16:03,918
likewise my hat hook.
316
00:16:05,421 --> 00:16:07,799
May I have a word with
you and your men, Raymond?
317
00:16:07,823 --> 00:16:09,834
By all means. I'm
always keen to encourage
318
00:16:09,858 --> 00:16:11,469
interdepartmental communication.
319
00:16:11,493 --> 00:16:12,660
Thank you very much.
320
00:16:14,362 --> 00:16:16,508
This afternoon
321
00:16:16,532 --> 00:16:19,043
officers from this station,
322
00:16:19,067 --> 00:16:21,479
C.I.D. Officers...
323
00:16:21,503 --> 00:16:24,181
Led by detective inspector Grim,
324
00:16:24,205 --> 00:16:26,718
i.e. Me,
325
00:16:26,742 --> 00:16:29,053
will deploy ourselves operationally
326
00:16:29,077 --> 00:16:31,790
in a suspect-arrest scenario,
327
00:16:31,814 --> 00:16:34,692
Vis-à-vis and à propos of
328
00:16:34,716 --> 00:16:36,594
a terrorism containment action
329
00:16:36,618 --> 00:16:39,764
in conjunction with operatives-
330
00:16:39,788 --> 00:16:42,557
operatives and personnel
from special forces.
331
00:16:43,826 --> 00:16:46,794
And for those English
speakers amongst us?
332
00:16:48,296 --> 00:16:51,943
Me and special branch are
gonna nick a mad bomber.
333
00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:54,969
Right, that is all.
Kray, Crockett, follow me.
334
00:16:59,074 --> 00:17:02,577
We can only hope their endeavors
are crowned with success.
335
00:17:06,081 --> 00:17:09,126
There was a time when I was destined
for special branch, you know.
336
00:17:09,150 --> 00:17:12,697
Oh yes, that was very much
what my instructors at Hendon
337
00:17:12,721 --> 00:17:14,198
had in mind for me.
338
00:17:14,222 --> 00:17:17,101
The drug war, counterterrorism,
that sort of thing.
339
00:17:17,125 --> 00:17:18,837
Ooh, what happened, inspector?
340
00:17:18,861 --> 00:17:20,572
What happened, Goody?
341
00:17:20,596 --> 00:17:22,607
A little thing called ordinary policing,
342
00:17:22,631 --> 00:17:24,141
that's what happened.
343
00:17:24,165 --> 00:17:26,310
A little thing called
the day-to-day business
344
00:17:26,334 --> 00:17:30,281
of protecting the public and
keeping her majesty's peace.
345
00:17:30,305 --> 00:17:32,116
Not glamorous, I dare say,
346
00:17:32,140 --> 00:17:35,753
not sexy.
347
00:17:35,777 --> 00:17:37,789
But what we do at this station every day
348
00:17:37,813 --> 00:17:40,391
is every bit as important
as preventing a bomb attack.
349
00:17:40,415 --> 00:17:42,694
We're all part of the thin blue line,
350
00:17:42,718 --> 00:17:44,218
isn't that right, inspector?
351
00:17:45,253 --> 00:17:47,298
That's right, Goody.
352
00:17:47,322 --> 00:17:50,401
The only difference being that
your bit of the thin blue line
353
00:17:50,425 --> 00:17:51,859
is slightly thicker.
354
00:17:56,565 --> 00:17:58,610
Well, Kray, this is it-
355
00:17:58,634 --> 00:18:01,035
a terrorist containment operation.
356
00:18:02,771 --> 00:18:04,682
Kray-
357
00:18:04,706 --> 00:18:06,751
Robert,
358
00:18:06,775 --> 00:18:09,621
if I don't come back, I
want you to go to my wife
359
00:18:09,645 --> 00:18:13,190
and see that she wants for nothing.
360
00:18:13,214 --> 00:18:15,326
What, do you mean give her one?
361
00:18:15,350 --> 00:18:18,630
No, I don't mean give her one.
362
00:18:18,654 --> 00:18:20,698
Just tell her-
363
00:18:20,722 --> 00:18:22,734
just tell her I love her.
364
00:18:22,758 --> 00:18:23,968
You sure, sir?
365
00:18:23,992 --> 00:18:25,904
I ain't the most
delicate of geezers, am I?
366
00:18:25,928 --> 00:18:27,605
We're partners, Robert,
367
00:18:27,629 --> 00:18:30,865
like Starsky and Hutch or-
368
00:18:31,900 --> 00:18:33,233
or Peters and Lee.
369
00:18:35,537 --> 00:18:37,815
Is there any last thing you want?
370
00:18:37,839 --> 00:18:40,351
I mean, if you... I've got
a couple of videos out, sir.
371
00:18:40,375 --> 00:18:43,143
You could take 'em back for me.
372
00:18:47,849 --> 00:18:50,628
Wonder how they're getting
on with special branch.
373
00:18:50,652 --> 00:18:52,396
Wish I was there.
374
00:18:52,420 --> 00:18:54,265
Nevermind about special branch, laddie,
375
00:18:54,289 --> 00:18:56,100
we've got a lot of important work here.
376
00:18:56,124 --> 00:18:57,902
Interesting case here, sir.
377
00:18:57,926 --> 00:19:00,404
Woman in Gallipoli close
reckons the bloke opposite
378
00:19:00,428 --> 00:19:03,363
has trimmed his hedge
into the shape of a bottom.
379
00:19:05,366 --> 00:19:07,812
He says it's a peach.
380
00:19:07,836 --> 00:19:10,715
- Yes, thank you, Gladstone...
- Sir, sir!
381
00:19:10,739 --> 00:19:13,117
We can listen to Grim's
terrorist raid on the radio.
382
00:19:13,141 --> 00:19:14,852
- It's brilliant.
- Go, go, go, go!
383
00:19:14,876 --> 00:19:16,721
Turn that off, boy, it's
none of our business.
384
00:19:16,745 --> 00:19:18,590
We have plenty of work to do here,
385
00:19:18,614 --> 00:19:20,558
work that is every bit as important
386
00:19:20,582 --> 00:19:22,359
as any performed by special branch.
387
00:19:22,383 --> 00:19:25,296
Today's criminal, no matter how lowly,
388
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:29,000
is sophisticated, high-tech
and computer literate-
389
00:19:29,024 --> 00:19:31,092
a cunning and complex foe.
390
00:19:33,695 --> 00:19:35,873
I have the right to
a lawyer and a bucket.
391
00:19:35,897 --> 00:19:38,643
Heavens. Quick, Goody, get the
man something to be sick into,
392
00:19:38,667 --> 00:19:40,635
before he does it on my desk.
393
00:19:46,675 --> 00:19:49,020
Oh, no!
394
00:19:49,044 --> 00:19:52,523
- Sorry, sir, I'll try and clean it up.
- Leave it, leave it!
395
00:19:52,547 --> 00:19:56,360
At lunchtime you'll take that to
be dry cleaned at your own expense.
396
00:19:56,384 --> 00:19:58,986
You, come with me.
397
00:20:02,423 --> 00:20:03,935
Sergeant Dawkins,
398
00:20:03,959 --> 00:20:06,403
why was this inebriate
allowed past the front desk?
399
00:20:06,427 --> 00:20:08,706
'Cause he's a sad,
useless excuse for a man.
400
00:20:08,730 --> 00:20:10,097
I thought you might get on.
401
00:20:12,534 --> 00:20:14,712
Look, we've been through this.
402
00:20:14,736 --> 00:20:16,848
I had a neighborhood
watch meeting last night,
403
00:20:16,872 --> 00:20:19,784
- I was extremely tired.
- You're extremely tired every night.
404
00:20:19,808 --> 00:20:22,120
Look, I'm sorry, but I am what I am.
405
00:20:22,144 --> 00:20:25,456
I'm not a sex machine,
406
00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:29,650
and I cannot be expected to make
love willy-nilly every fortnight.
407
00:20:32,287 --> 00:20:35,532
The operation was a complete success.
408
00:20:35,556 --> 00:20:37,534
Ahhh!
409
00:20:37,558 --> 00:20:40,104
Vis-à-vis and à propos
of our objectives.
410
00:20:40,128 --> 00:20:42,406
They're bringing the prisoner in now.
411
00:20:42,430 --> 00:20:45,509
What's more, he's in the charge
412
00:20:45,533 --> 00:20:47,644
of a commander of special branch.
413
00:20:47,668 --> 00:20:50,214
A commander of special branch?
414
00:20:50,238 --> 00:20:52,516
- In our station?
- Oh, yes.
415
00:20:52,540 --> 00:20:55,786
And he's asking to speak to the
uniformed officer commanding.
416
00:20:55,810 --> 00:20:58,322
Well, we must find him immediately.
417
00:20:58,346 --> 00:21:00,992
B-b-b-b-but that's me.
418
00:21:01,016 --> 00:21:03,483
That's me.
419
00:21:07,522 --> 00:21:10,667
I'm about to greet an
extremely senior colleague.
420
00:21:10,691 --> 00:21:13,070
- How do I look? Smart?
- Very smart, sir.
421
00:21:13,094 --> 00:21:16,240
Good. Don't want these Scotland
Yard wallahs looking down on us.
422
00:21:16,264 --> 00:21:20,000
I must look my absolute best.
423
00:21:23,338 --> 00:21:25,239
Oh my god, my hat's full of sick.
424
00:21:32,414 --> 00:21:34,892
Jam it down, sir. Jam it down.
425
00:21:34,916 --> 00:21:37,318
If you don't take it
off, you'll be fine.
426
00:21:47,829 --> 00:21:50,507
Good afternoon, commander.
I'm awfully sorry to keep you.
427
00:21:50,531 --> 00:21:53,710
Inspector Fowler, I presume.
428
00:21:53,734 --> 00:21:56,003
Commander Crow, special branch.
429
00:21:57,305 --> 00:21:59,350
What's the matter?
Don't you remove your hat
430
00:21:59,374 --> 00:22:00,874
when addressing a senior officer?!
431
00:22:04,179 --> 00:22:06,057
No, sir...
432
00:22:06,081 --> 00:22:08,582
I am a Sikh.
433
00:22:14,456 --> 00:22:17,401
I am forbidden to bare my head.
434
00:22:17,425 --> 00:22:21,805
I see. Well, no disrespect intended.
435
00:22:21,829 --> 00:22:25,276
Now, look here, your
colleague inspector Grim here
436
00:22:25,300 --> 00:22:27,578
has pulled off a superb piece of work.
437
00:22:27,602 --> 00:22:31,849
He has located a man he strongly
suspects of being a terrorist,
438
00:22:31,873 --> 00:22:33,684
and what we require from you, Fowler,
439
00:22:33,708 --> 00:22:35,119
is the use of your facilities.
440
00:22:35,143 --> 00:22:38,222
I see. Well, that'll be a pleasure, sir.
441
00:22:38,246 --> 00:22:40,157
It's second on the left,
442
00:22:40,181 --> 00:22:42,360
and you're very welcome
to use the liquid soap
443
00:22:42,384 --> 00:22:45,529
marked "Fowler's, keep off."
444
00:22:45,553 --> 00:22:48,466
Not those facilities
you bonehead, the cells.
445
00:22:48,490 --> 00:22:51,435
Of course, I understand.
446
00:22:51,459 --> 00:22:54,571
- Let me show you, sir.
- Your prisoner, detective inspector Grim.
447
00:22:54,595 --> 00:22:57,508
Thank you, sir.
448
00:22:57,532 --> 00:22:59,176
Oh yes, Fowler-
449
00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:01,245
there is one thing you can do.
450
00:23:01,269 --> 00:23:03,347
- Sir.
- Get your uniform dry cleaned,
451
00:23:03,371 --> 00:23:06,407
it smells like a drunk's
thrown up in your hat.
452
00:23:09,344 --> 00:23:12,723
So, fancy a drink after work then?
453
00:23:12,747 --> 00:23:15,026
Sorry, Kevin, I'm going out with Gary.
454
00:23:15,050 --> 00:23:17,161
He doesn't like you
for yourself, you know.
455
00:23:17,185 --> 00:23:19,930
- He's only interested in one thing.
- You're wrong there.
456
00:23:19,954 --> 00:23:22,933
He's a nice bloke. He's even
nice about you, as it happens.
457
00:23:22,957 --> 00:23:24,635
He says we should take you out with us.
458
00:23:24,659 --> 00:23:27,405
I said forget it. I'm not
having you hanging about
459
00:23:27,429 --> 00:23:29,029
like the last turkey in the shop.
460
00:23:32,233 --> 00:23:33,677
Please, don't bother to knock.
461
00:23:33,701 --> 00:23:35,913
Sometimes formalities
have to take second place
462
00:23:35,937 --> 00:23:38,349
to the urgent business of
counterterrorism, Fowler.
463
00:23:38,373 --> 00:23:41,641
I should count myself lucky you
didn't come in through the window.
464
00:23:44,512 --> 00:23:46,257
Grim, you don't smoke.
465
00:23:46,281 --> 00:23:49,950
Oh yes I do, sometimes. I
smoke sometimes, certainly.
466
00:23:51,486 --> 00:23:54,665
Right
MI6 will be arriving shortly
467
00:23:54,689 --> 00:23:56,067
to interrogate the prisoner.
468
00:23:56,091 --> 00:23:59,170
I'm leaving you in
charge till I get back.
469
00:23:59,194 --> 00:24:03,274
I'm going into town to
buy a leather jacket.
470
00:24:03,298 --> 00:24:05,276
Sir excuse me.
471
00:24:05,300 --> 00:24:06,977
The lady from the latimer estate
472
00:24:07,001 --> 00:24:08,979
neighborhood watch scheme to see you.
473
00:24:09,003 --> 00:24:12,083
Dear, oh dear, Raymond, I don't
know how you stand the pace,
474
00:24:12,107 --> 00:24:15,219
you should slow down.
475
00:24:15,243 --> 00:24:16,977
You'll do yourself a mischief.
476
00:24:18,513 --> 00:24:20,958
You asked us to report
anything unusual going on,
477
00:24:20,982 --> 00:24:23,627
and I think gangs of coppers with guns
478
00:24:23,651 --> 00:24:27,031
running all over Mr.
Dibley's petunias is unusual.
479
00:24:27,055 --> 00:24:29,733
And of course you're
absolutely right, Mrs. Rabbit.
480
00:24:29,757 --> 00:24:32,636
However, I can assure
you that special branch
481
00:24:32,660 --> 00:24:35,206
had very good reasons
indeed for making the arrest.
482
00:24:35,230 --> 00:24:37,674
I know all about what
Mr. Dibley's been up to.
483
00:24:37,698 --> 00:24:40,444
- You do?
- Oh yes. He told me.
484
00:24:40,468 --> 00:24:42,813
He's always going on
about the crimes he's done,
485
00:24:42,837 --> 00:24:44,681
always boasting about them.
486
00:24:44,705 --> 00:24:47,284
Of course, we all thought it was lies.
487
00:24:47,308 --> 00:24:49,910
I was amazed when all
those coppers turned up.
488
00:24:51,979 --> 00:24:53,957
You poor bloody fool.
489
00:24:53,981 --> 00:24:57,261
You don't know what you've
caught here, do you? Name a crime.
490
00:24:57,285 --> 00:25:00,164
You're arrested on suspicion
of planning terrorism.
491
00:25:00,188 --> 00:25:02,099
That was just kids stuff. Name another.
492
00:25:02,123 --> 00:25:04,435
The great train robbery?
493
00:25:04,459 --> 00:25:07,838
Oh, you're smarter than
what I thought, copper.
494
00:25:07,862 --> 00:25:10,241
Yeah, that was one of mine.
Go on, give us another one.
495
00:25:10,265 --> 00:25:12,276
The assassination of
president Kennedy?
496
00:25:12,300 --> 00:25:14,245
Me again. Pow.
497
00:25:14,269 --> 00:25:16,247
Thank you, Mr. Dibley, that'll be all.
498
00:25:16,271 --> 00:25:17,915
No, I got a lot more to talk about yet.
499
00:25:17,939 --> 00:25:19,417
Do you know that second world war?
500
00:25:19,441 --> 00:25:22,453
I started that!
501
00:25:22,477 --> 00:25:24,755
All I can say, Fowler,
is you have saved me
502
00:25:24,779 --> 00:25:27,525
from complete and utter ridicule.
503
00:25:27,549 --> 00:25:30,928
If you had not uncovered
the fact that our terrorist
504
00:25:30,952 --> 00:25:33,564
was one of these insane hoaxes,
505
00:25:33,588 --> 00:25:36,867
I could well have ended up looking
like a beautifully uniformed turd.
506
00:25:36,891 --> 00:25:39,236
Yes, I can imagine
507
00:25:39,260 --> 00:25:41,038
the director of public prosecutions
508
00:25:41,062 --> 00:25:43,607
picking one or two holes
in the confessions of a man
509
00:25:43,631 --> 00:25:46,100
who claims to have
decapitated Charles I.
510
00:25:47,802 --> 00:25:49,813
As for you, Grim,
511
00:25:49,837 --> 00:25:52,149
you are a disgrace to the service
512
00:25:52,173 --> 00:25:55,819
and I hope I never set eyes on
your fatuous features ever again.
513
00:25:55,843 --> 00:25:57,888
Does that mean that perhaps you won't
514
00:25:57,912 --> 00:26:00,224
be recommending me to
join special branch, sir?
515
00:26:00,248 --> 00:26:02,993
That is the first correct
deduction you have made
516
00:26:03,017 --> 00:26:04,195
since joining the force.
517
00:26:04,219 --> 00:26:05,652
Congratulations.
518
00:26:08,789 --> 00:26:11,024
I hope you kept the
receipt for the jacket.
519
00:26:12,693 --> 00:26:14,572
Frankly, Maggie, after what you told me
520
00:26:14,596 --> 00:26:16,039
about last night's performance
521
00:26:16,063 --> 00:26:18,275
I'd be surprised if he turns up at all.
522
00:26:18,299 --> 00:26:20,811
Hi, babe. Sorry I'm late.
523
00:26:20,835 --> 00:26:24,348
Tough day. Had to save some
nuns from a burning convent.
524
00:26:24,372 --> 00:26:26,683
Gosh, Gary, you're so amazing.
525
00:26:26,707 --> 00:26:28,652
I told those nuns,
"don't play with candles
526
00:26:28,676 --> 00:26:31,111
'cause I won't always be
there to put out the fire."
527
00:26:32,580 --> 00:26:35,115
You know, Kev, that
uniform really suits you.
528
00:26:37,051 --> 00:26:39,363
Yes, well, anyway, so Gary-
529
00:26:39,387 --> 00:26:42,733
- Where're you gonna take me?
- I thought Kev might know a decent boozer.
530
00:26:42,757 --> 00:26:44,801
You know, a real "ladsy" place.
531
00:26:44,825 --> 00:26:46,470
How about it, mate,
can I buy you a pint?
532
00:26:46,494 --> 00:26:48,672
Well... he's not thirsty!
533
00:26:48,696 --> 00:26:52,143
Maggie, that's the terrorist!
534
00:26:52,167 --> 00:26:55,112
That's right, so nobody move.
535
00:26:55,136 --> 00:26:58,015
I'm armed and I'm dangerous.
536
00:26:58,039 --> 00:26:59,850
And I'm gonna take a hostage.
537
00:26:59,874 --> 00:27:02,586
- Who's it gonna be?
- Take me.
538
00:27:02,610 --> 00:27:05,322
No, Maggie, you're too
beautiful to die, take me.
539
00:27:05,346 --> 00:27:08,682
No, Kev, you're too
beautiful to die. Take me.
540
00:27:13,588 --> 00:27:15,199
What is going on here?
541
00:27:15,223 --> 00:27:17,401
Watch out, Raymond, it's
the terrorist. He's armed.
542
00:27:17,425 --> 00:27:19,136
I appreciate your concern, Patricia,
543
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:20,804
but this man is no more a terrorist
544
00:27:20,828 --> 00:27:23,240
than I am Joanna Lumley.
545
00:27:23,264 --> 00:27:25,865
He is, in fact, a looney.
546
00:27:28,369 --> 00:27:29,613
Now get out.
547
00:27:29,637 --> 00:27:31,848
And if I ever catch you
lying to the police again,
548
00:27:31,872 --> 00:27:33,884
it'll be wormwood scrubs for you.
549
00:27:33,908 --> 00:27:37,688
Prison can't hold the birdman.
550
00:27:37,712 --> 00:27:39,546
Go away.
551
00:27:42,917 --> 00:27:46,330
I think you might've
told me you were gay.
552
00:27:46,354 --> 00:27:48,799
You must've known I liked you.
553
00:27:48,823 --> 00:27:51,235
Exactly. I thought we were friends.
554
00:27:51,259 --> 00:27:53,237
But it turns out you're
only after one thing.
555
00:27:53,261 --> 00:27:55,906
And you aren't interested
physically in girls at all?
556
00:27:55,930 --> 00:27:58,008
Not interested? Not capable.
557
00:27:58,032 --> 00:28:00,601
Not even if I put it in a splint.
558
00:28:01,703 --> 00:28:03,514
So you fancy Kevin,
559
00:28:03,538 --> 00:28:05,749
Kevin fancies me,
560
00:28:05,773 --> 00:28:06,973
and I fancy you.
561
00:28:10,010 --> 00:28:12,646
I'll go and get the dominoes, shall I?
40269
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