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APPLAUSE
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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen
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and welcome to
the Cornley Drama Festival,
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apologies for the sign.
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LAUGHTER
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As the director of the drama
society,
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in order to show fairness and to
quell talk of yet another coup,
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I have agreed to allow everyone to
showcase their efforts
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in this drama festival, no matter
the standard.
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So each member of the drama society
will be offering what we've agreed
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to call 'contributions', ranging
from rediscovered classic plays,
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to new writing, to workshops,
all performed over the next two
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weeks, and all of which
I take no responsibility for.
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So, first up we have Robert with
an acting masterclass.
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Right.
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Hello!
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That was acting.
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Hello.
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That was not.
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What is the difference
between acting and non-acting?
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That is what we will discover in
my Masterclass.
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The most common question I'm asked
about acting in voicemails
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left to me by myself is,
how can I become a good actor?
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Well, let's see.
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Here are eight actors standing
in order from best to worst.
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Hm? What?
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Now, we are going to see
a bit of acting from each of them.
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Let's begin.
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At position number one
we have our best actor - that's me,
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thank you for holding that,
Jonathan.
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To be or not to be!
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Very good. No notes.
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Next, we have our second best actor,
Sandra.
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Off you go.
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To be or not to be?
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Mmm. Good.
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But also quite shrill and bad.
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Remember when asking a question you
need to go up at the end of
the line.
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To be or not to be? Very good.
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Next.
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This is not what you said you were
going to do.
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That is not the line, Chris, move
down one place.
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LAUGHTER
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Next...
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To be or not to be.
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Good. Go on.
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That's... That's all you said to
learn.
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Well, make it up.
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I...
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I... Right, OK!
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So here's a tip,
so if you're ever on stage
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and you don't know what to do...
run at the audience.
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Argh!
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You see, because if they're scared
of you, you're not scared of them
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and that is why
I always carry a gun on stage.
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Next... You can't have a gun!
Wrong again. Down you go!
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And I can have a gun
and I must have a gun.
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That's the rule of Chekhov's gun.
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Have a gun.
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And now it's been seen
I will have to shoot
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someone before the end of the play.
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Right, moving down the line. Max!
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To be or not to be.
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OK, but remember Hamlet is tense in
this moment, OK?
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As are all characters at all times,
so let's see that tight inner fear.
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To be or not...
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Argh! ..to be!
Good. Very tense.
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You were in the moment.
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OK, right now, let's see if you can
get it right this time, Chris.
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You requested three quarters
of the show's budget for this.
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Dreadful, down two places.
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We really are in the dregs now.
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Or as they're professionally termed
the sub-actors.
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Annie...
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To be or not to be.
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That, Annie, was actually very good.
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Well done.
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Remember, it can damage an actor's
morale if you tell them
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how bad they really are.
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The best way to hide a bad actor is
to put them
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in the biggest hat you can find.
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Right, who's next? Dennis.
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Off you go...
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No, no, just... Begin.
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To be or to be not be.
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Medically fascinating.
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It's literally written
here for him...
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Seven. No, don't read that.
To be or...
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Stop reading!
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And finally...
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To be or not to be.
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The worst of the lot.
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Although, of course, beneath actors
you do have stage managers.
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Trevor, why don't you tell
the people at home a little
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bit about your job.
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Well, actually, it's just as
creative as being on stage.
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That is clearly false.
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So, you've seen now how a drama
society is formed of actors
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and sub-actors
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and it's important to know about
this when casting your play.
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You can group actors and sub-actors
together to create average
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scenes or you can group your actors
together in your main narrative
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and then separate off your
sub-actors into the 'sub-plot'
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and that's of course where we
get the term.
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Then the sub-plot will be
a write off
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but the core narrative will be
preserved.
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Unless, of course, one of your
actors 'loses talent'.
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You can find out more about that in
my new acting book WHY!
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First, let's try a scene with
an actor and a sub-actor in it.
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Chris and Sandra please.
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Here are your scripts.
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There...
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Isobel, my dear,
what a fine day it is in the park.
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Oh, Richard, it is.
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Will you marry me, Isobel?
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No, I just see you as a thin
and unpleasant friend.
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And stop there.
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Now, what did Sandra not do there?
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Dennis. I don't know.
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OK.
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Remember she is acting with
a sub-actor,
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so Sandra should have done what
we call 'masking your sub-actor'.
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I'll show you what I mean.
Chris, from the top.
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Isobel, my dear,
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what a fine... Uh!
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What a fine day it is in the park.
Is it?
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That's... Aaaagh!
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Will you marry me? OF COURSE NOT!
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Now, you see, the more you do,
the less they can do.
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Now, in this scene, Chris' character
Richard is snubbed
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and experiences what
we call in the industry 'sadness'
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and of course you cannot portray
sadness without tears.
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Just as in the same way you cannot
perform comedy
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without showing your gums.
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So how do we cry on stage?
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Everyone,
please take out your measuring jugs.
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Many actors believe crying can only
be achieved through truly
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empathising with the character.
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They are wrong.
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The best way to cry on cue is to use
your muscles to force tears
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out of your face.
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So, everyone, please put your jug
to your saddest eye and go!
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Tense your chest! Tense your back!
Tense your neck!
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Tense your buttocks,
groin and throat.
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Now! Now!
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Arghhhhh! Arghhhh!
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There we are!
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Anyone else manage to get any tears?
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That's fine, he'll be fine.
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When I do this down at the youth
centre there's usually at least one
haemorrhage.
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How have we done? Nothing.
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Nothing. Nothing.
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You see, she's 'losing talent'.
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Nothing...
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Jesus.
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Are you all right?
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I don't know.
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OK. Stay safe.
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Stay emotionally safe, everyone.
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Now, some sub-actors will not be
able to produce any tears this way
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and for them you can use this
product I found on the dark web
called 'tear-gas'.
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Argh!
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And straight into the scene!
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Argh! Isobel, my dear!
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What a fine day it is in the park!
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Oh, Richard, it is!
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Will you marry me, Isobel?!
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No, I just see you as a thin
and unpleasant friend!
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Are you sad?! Much better!
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No, no. They're nowhere near ready
for that.
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And, of course, the best way to
finish a scene is with my signature
end card.
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So now you've seen some acting,
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hopefully you can tell the
difference between acting and
non-acting.
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In fact, let's put your learning to
the test and see
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if you can tell which is which in
these clips.
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No, Robert, argh!
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This is...
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Chris ballet dancing is a new low.
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I'm going to put glue on his flute.
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ROBERT LAUGHS
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Robert, are you filming this?
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This is...
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Robert, why are you requesting three
quarters of the show's budget for
your masterclass?
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Er...insurance.
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This is...
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If you want to learn more, copies
of my new acting book -
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Anything You Can Act
I Can Act Even Louder -
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are now available in pop-up form.
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BOOK: To be or not to be!
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Now, next up we, we have a...
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Understudy.
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Next up, we have a new play by Max.
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Which one's Max? Oh, yes!
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Number five.
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Please enjoy this sub piece,
a kitchen sink drama.
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APPLAUSE
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I'm a plate and this is great.
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I'm a plate and this is great.
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I'm a sponge, watch me lunge.
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I'm a sponge, watch me lunge!
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To be clean is my goal,
cos I'm a dirty little bowel.
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Now we're ready, here we go.
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Here comes Mr H2O.
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The tap is turned. I must dash!
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Here I come with a splash.
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00:11:02,920 --> 00:11:06,960
Woooooaaaahhhhh!
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I'm stuck.
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APPLAUSE
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Thank you, thank you, Max.
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Clearly a slight misinterpretation
of what a kitchen sink drama is
there.
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Why, what is it?
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It's a soap opera.
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Aah, that's the second act.
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SHE SINGS OPERA
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Thank you.
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Marvellous.
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Next up, we have Vanessa with
something a little less traditional.
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Since taking part in series one of
Play Of The Week,
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I have been visiting a life coach.
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Now, I know a lot of people are
sceptical about life coaching
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but mine charges me £200 an hour,
so you know it's good.
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To help me with my fear
of spontaneity, he suggested that
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I take classes in improvisation.
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00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:22,200
For example...
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00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:25,280
Oh, watch out, Kevin, there's a...
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00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:28,000
..some...
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00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:30,480
There's a...
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00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:33,880
Ooh, watch out, Kevin, watch out!
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00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:40,480
Believe it or not, that line
wasn't scripted.
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No, it was a stream of consciousness
made up completely on the spot
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and there's plenty
more of that to come.
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JINGLE PLAYS
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So for this first scene, can someone
please shout out a job.
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Don't be shy. I'll take anything.
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00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:09,600
Fart inspector!
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00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:12,000
No, not that. Come on.
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Baker! Baker! Great.
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And I also need an emotion?
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Lust.
240
00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:19,160
Lust. Oh...
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00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:21,160
OK.
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00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:23,760
And finally a location?
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00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:25,400
Hull. Hull?
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00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:27,320
Yeah! OK.
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So this scene is a lusty baker in
Hull.
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Here we go.
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Wait...
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Here we go!
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IMITATES HULL ACCENT: Hello,
Margery. How's the bread today?
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00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:49,800
Lusty.
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What are you doing? Oh, baking.
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00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,360
In Hull.
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00:13:57,280 --> 00:13:59,000
I...
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00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,800
I... I...
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00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:05,400
Aaaaargh!
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Ding a ling a ling.
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00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:13,520
Ooh, nice buns!
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00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,640
OK and scene.
259
00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:26,160
So this next scene is going
to be a "fun" one.
260
00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:28,120
JINGLE PLAYS
261
00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:29,480
Ooh! Sorry.
262
00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:31,840
If you're going to do sound effects,
could you let me know?
263
00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:34,200
I just,
I was just really thrown there.
264
00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:42,080
So, Chris and Max are going to play
The Alphabet Game,
265
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:44,640
where the first line of the scene
begins with A,
266
00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:48,720
the second line with B and backwards
and forwards until they get to Z.
267
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:52,440
So can I have a location
for this scene?
268
00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:55,000
Hull. Ah, OK.
269
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,400
All right, it can be in Hull as
well. But whereabouts in Hull?
270
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:02,320
The Zoo. The Zoo! Great! OK, here we
go...
271
00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:07,040
Always a pleasure to see you,
Gareth. Hi.
272
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:09,000
No, it has to start with B.
273
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:10,640
Oh, er bye...
274
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:13,440
Come back, Gareth. I need to talk to
you.
275
00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:14,960
OK, what about?
276
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:17,320
It has to start with D now. Does it?
277
00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:19,840
Exactly. Now you're getting it.
278
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:21,680
Definitely.
279
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:24,120
No, it has to start with F.
280
00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:26,080
Fenitely.
281
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:27,360
Good. Thanks.
282
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:28,800
Say a word beginning with H.
283
00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:33,760
Hull. Jesus...
284
00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:35,120
No, you missed I.
285
00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:38,560
I'm sorry. What about?
286
00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:41,120
Kindly understand the game.
I don't understand the game.
287
00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:43,560
Say a word beginning with L. Lusty.
288
00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:45,520
Max... No need to get upset.
289
00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:46,800
Oh, my God! Please Chris.
290
00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:48,120
Quiet! Right.
291
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:49,840
Stop the dings!
That's not very nice.
292
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:51,320
Unbelievable. Very rude.
293
00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:53,800
Will you shut up?! Xylophones.
294
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:56,800
Oh. Come on. I had that!
You're an idiot!
295
00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:58,040
Zoo.
296
00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:01,440
And scene.
297
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,040
See. Wasn't that fun?
298
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:10,120
All right, now we're going to play
scene change,
299
00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:12,720
where I'm in the middle and
the other improvisers
300
00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:15,280
are going to throw crazy ideas at
me.
301
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:18,880
So can we just have a starting
location for this scene?
302
00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:22,720
Hull. No! Not Hull,
because we've done that! Haven't we?
303
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:24,640
We... We've done that.
304
00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:28,080
So let's just try somewhere else.
305
00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:29,640
The Far East! Great.
306
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:31,000
Of Hull.
307
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:34,560
Ohh! Well, you know what
they say about people from Hull.
308
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:36,400
Don't you? They're all...
309
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:39,120
..from Hull.
310
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:43,280
So let's just try a different
location.
311
00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:44,440
A cruise ship!
312
00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:45,520
A cruise ship, yes.
313
00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:46,840
Where on a cruise ship?
314
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:48,160
The hull.
315
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:54,160
OK, this scene is set in the hull of
a cruise ship.
316
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:56,640
Here we go.
317
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:05,280
Hello, Margery,
how's the bread today?
318
00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:07,760
Lusty.
319
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:09,160
Change.
320
00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:13,960
What's my line?
Just make it up.
321
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:15,640
Just make it up. No.
322
00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:16,920
Just...
323
00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:18,480
Will you marry me?
324
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:21,640
What? Really? Yes, I've always loved
you.
325
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:25,000
I don't know what to say. Just say
yes.
326
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:26,480
Yeah! OK.
327
00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:29,360
I... I need to go and tell my mum!
328
00:17:29,360 --> 00:17:30,640
Change.
329
00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:33,880
Change.
330
00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:37,400
Mira las estrellas esta noche.
331
00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:41,640
Chorizo.
332
00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:42,840
Change!
333
00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:45,760
Do you really want to marry me?
334
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:47,440
Yes, of course.
335
00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:49,480
Will you tell my mum?
She doesn't believe me.
336
00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:52,200
She said you're a solid eight
and I'm a two.
337
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:53,440
Change.
338
00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:57,840
Ooh! This is a spooky old attic.
339
00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:00,560
Yes. It's freez... Shut up. Get in
the cupboard.
340
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:04,480
And that's how you win an improv.
341
00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:06,240
Change!
342
00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:09,720
Look, doctor, it appears to be
allergic rhinitis.
343
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:11,000
Hand me the speculum.
344
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:13,680
No, the speculum.
345
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:16,960
No, a speculum.
346
00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:20,120
No, a speculum.
347
00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:22,400
A spec...a spec... No, a speculum!
348
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:23,680
Speculum!
349
00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:25,400
No! No! No! No! Look, look...
350
00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:28,480
..two hands.
351
00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:32,840
Well, looks like we're too late,
the patient has died.
352
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:35,680
Curses.
353
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:37,000
I could have saved them.
354
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:39,680
If only I... Argh! Ow!
355
00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:41,240
Change! Change! Change!
356
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,760
Hello, Margery, how's the bread
today?
357
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:52,560
Lusty! Change.
358
00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:55,200
Change.
359
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:59,160
OK, I think I've found us a venue
but it's an £8,000 deposit.
360
00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:01,440
Can I borrow your credit card?
I don't have that on me.
361
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:03,080
That's OK, I'll get it from
your purse.
362
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:04,440
Change!
363
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:08,560
Hello, Margery. How's the bread
today?
364
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:09,760
Lusty!
365
00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:11,040
Change!
366
00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:12,720
Oh, and scene!
367
00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:15,680
OK. We're all set. June 6th.
368
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:19,360
I think this is the first time
in my life I've ever felt happy.
369
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:23,720
Right...
370
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:27,880
That was funtastic!
371
00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:31,360
I hope that my life coach is proud
of me for doing that.
372
00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:34,000
I'm not. You need more sessions.
373
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:40,720
Thank you, Vanessa.
374
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:45,080
Now we come at last to my piece...
375
00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:47,480
I bet you think you're hullarious.
376
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:49,240
Hull-arious.
377
00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:52,760
Ha! I'm just too quick for you,
mate.
378
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:55,760
Ahem.
379
00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:59,960
For too long now, the drama society
has refused to let me showcase
380
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:03,080
high art but I'm going to use this
opportunity
381
00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:05,800
to present some real culture for
once...
382
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:07,320
Move, Chris!
383
00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:10,400
..and to elevate you, the viewers at
home.
384
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:13,720
So put down your fish and chips,
385
00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:16,720
set aside your cans of lager beer
386
00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:19,240
and put on that shirt you wear
to court.
387
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:23,840
And join me for an evening at
the ballet
388
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:30,280
and the magical tale of the
caterpillar, La Nuit de la Chenille.
389
00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:34,160
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
390
00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:30,240
Wha...
391
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:39,280
Oh!
392
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:48,600
Whoa!
393
00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:11,840
No, no, no, no, no...
394
00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:19,880
Spider!
395
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:10,120
Aw, no.
396
00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:31,400
Wow!
397
00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:39,800
Tell us, Sun Beetle,
the Caterpillar, is he well?
398
00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:41,400
He is not.
399
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:44,360
Winter comes and he fades.
400
00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:48,320
What shall we do?
401
00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:52,200
We need the wisdom of
the great stag.
402
00:23:54,360 --> 00:23:56,120
Stag!
403
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:04,720
Ooh!
404
00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:34,480
Tell us, Sun Beetle, what did the...
405
00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:36,000
Uh, uh...
406
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:38,440
What did the great...? Is it?
407
00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:40,160
What did the great...? Ooh! Stop it!
408
00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:43,080
Tell us, Sun Beetle,
409
00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:45,640
what did the great stag say?
410
00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:49,520
The wise stag said your light
has faded. And you must rest...
411
00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:50,800
Uh! How dare you?!
412
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:53,280
Bleughhh, bleugh, bleugh! Bleughhh,
bleugh, bleugh!
413
00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:54,920
Bleughhh, bleugh, bleugh! Bleugh!
414
00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:57,160
Eeeeeee!
415
00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:00,120
Never let yourself be masked.
416
00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:04,920
The wise stag said
that your light has faded
417
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:08,520
and you must lay yourself down
beneath the mighty oak.
418
00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:27,560
Ugh! Agh!
419
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:35,640
Lift...
420
00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:38,080
Extend!
421
00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:44,360
Hold! Hold!
422
00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:49,520
Don't drop me. Careful!
423
00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:53,040
Stop it, man!
424
00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:14,480
The caterpillar has gone.
425
00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:17,280
The forest weeps.
426
00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:21,480
HE STRAINS
427
00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:24,360
Got one!
428
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:32,760
Stop it! Stop it!
429
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:09,960
Sodding zip!
430
00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:17,000
# Lord Butterfly!
431
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:19,480
Ah! Come on!
432
00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:24,320
# Lord Butterfly!
Bloody zip! Come on!
433
00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:30,840
# Lord Butterfly!
434
00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:31,920
Ah! Argh!
435
00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:33,440
GUNSHOT, ACTORS SHRIEK
436
00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:35,200
Chekhov's gun.
46993
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