All language subtitles for Ricky.Gervais.Live.IV-Science.2010.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG.English

[THUNDER ROLLING]

RICKY: Long ago in a
castle laboratory--

[THUNDER ROLLING]

Sort of like
Frankenstein's, you know.

Science turned abomination.

A mad doctor's dream to create
a human being from the body

parts of other human beings.

Bit pointless, really.

He wanted to create the
world's finest comedian,

popular, clever, funny.

So a male comedian obviously.

Got a penis and everything.

A little bit smaller than
he would have wanted,

but, you know, it's fine.

It's average.

He's a little bit fat.
But fat is funny.

Average penis.

Little bit chunky, but--

ANNOUNCER: So please
welcome to the stage creator

of "The Office," "Extras,"
"Flanimals," record breaking

stand-up.

Winner of three Golden
Globes, two prime time Emmys,

and seven BAFTAs, a man
with an average sized penis

is fine, honestly.

The one, the only
Mr. Ricky Gervais.

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

RICKY: Thank you.
Hello.

Hello.
Wow.

Thank you so much.

Wow.

Thank you.
Wow.

Thank you so much.
I, I should I?

I should explain
something straight away.

Usually when I come out
on stage it's amazing.

I'm doing cartwheels.

I'm doing back flips.

It's fucking spectacular,
but I've hurt my back.

Um, that's true.
That is true.

I've pulled a muscle in
my spine playing gold.

I know what you're thinking.

Serves him right for playing
such a stupid game as golf,

but, um, no.

I've been in agony.

I'm on painkillers right now.

So if I suddenly start
talking like Kerry Katona,

you'll know why.

I'm not drunk.

I'm not drunk.

Mother of the year one year.

Um, when the doctor gave me
the painkillers, this is true,

he said, now you can't
drink alcohol with these.

And I went, I don't
want them then.

And he went, what?

I said, give me some you
can drink alcohol with.

And he went, well, you not meant
to drink with any painkillers.

Who are you?
My fucking mother?

Just gonna--
So, yeah.

I've been walking around
like the elephant man,

but without the
big cock obviously.

I assume he had a big elephant's
cock to go with the head.

So I don't-- then it
would balance things out.

Well, no.

Cause then he's
look in the mirror.

And he'd go, oh, no.

What, it's fucking zippy.

What the fuck was that?

No.
Shut up.

So, no.

Then he'd sort of go, oh no.

Oh, look at that head.

Hold on though.

What's going on down here.

Swings and roundabouts.

Let's celebrate.

The buns are on me.

So, yeah.

That's my problems.

I didn't cancel though.

Don't you hate that
when night is cancelled?

You turn up, you go, concert
cancelled due to sore throat,

or I couldn't go
on, I was depressed.

Ah.

Could you imagine a
labourer trying that?

Going, oh, I got a little
tickle and I'm fed up.

Ah, move the fucking
bricks, mate.

One artist has had a
good excuse to cancel

a concert in recent years.

And that's Michael Jackson.

Everyone else is a
fucking malingerer.

Never cancel.

I had a, a gig in Dublin
couple of months back.

O2 Arena, Dublin.

10,000 seats sold
out way in advance.

Getting towards the gig.

Looking forward to it.

Few days before,
all the plane start

being grounded because
this volcanic ash cloud.

A volcano goes off in Iceland
and we can't get on a-- what's

the point of fucking Iceland?

Really?

I thought it went bankrupt.

Just get rid of it.
It's no good.

It's not doing, just put into--
fill in the fucking volcanoes

with conc-- in fact,
tarmac the whole country.

And make it car park
for real Europe.

Waste of space.

So, yeah.

Um, and sort of like pop
stars and that coming

to England were cancelling.
I couldn't get a flight.

And I was thinking,
but I can't cancel.

I can't cancel.
I've got to get there.

So I hired a helicopter
to and from Dublin.

Cost me 12,000 pounds just
because I couldn't bear to let

anyone down, or take the ferry.

Yeah.

They were still
running fine, sure.

I think there were extra
ones they'd put in.

That would have meant mixing
with the general public.

This is about as
close as I ever want

to be to-- no offence, scum.

[LAUGHS] No.

I don't know if anyone was
affected by the volcanic ash

cloud, but I had friends
all around the world

that couldn't get back.

They missed weddings,
and funerals,

and they had to put
themselves up in hotels

that they hasn't budgeted
for for weeks on end.

And they couldn't get the
money back because the air

lines were saying, no.

We can't pay you
because the insurance

companies won't pay
us because they're

saying it's an act of God.

What?

What isn't an act of God?

If you believe in God that's
sort of a definition of him,

isn't it?
The, he does everything.

He's, he's all powerful
and he's everywhere.

He invented everything.

He was a-- before he was
around there was nothing.

He invented time,
space-- everything.

OK?

So he's across it all.

Nothing happens by mistake.

He's not absent minded.

A volcano going off isn't
like him going, oh, fuck,

I left the oven on.

That doesn't--

[LAUGHTER]

But who are these insurance
companies that know what

is and isn't an act of God?

How do they decide?

Have they, have they
got a hotline to God?

They call God up, do they?

And go, ring, ring.

Hello?

Hello.

Um, could I speak
to God, please?

Speaking.

Oh, I didn't think you'd
answer the phone yourself.

What do you want?

Um, sorry.

That volcanic ash
cloud, was that you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That was an act of me,
all right. [LAUGHS]

So I shouldn't pay out?

Don't fuck pay
them a penny, son.

No.

Oh, jeez.

While I've got you here,
um, did you make a tree

fall on Steve Baxter's car?

Lot of Steve Baxters.

Um, 2 Acacia Road, Hounslow.

It happened on the
3rd of June, 2015.

3rd of June, 2015.

No, that wasn't me.

I was in Africa then
giving AIDS to babies.

[LAUGHTER]

He does everything.

Anyway, I'm so glad
I didn't cancel.

It was fantastic
to be here seeing

all your happy smiley faces.

Lovely.

[CHEERING]
Yes.

Thank you.

You're-- you're probably very
fortunate that you managed

to get a ticket to
see a living legend,

or am I-- I'm not being funny.

But you lucky cunts.

Yes, you are.

I'm joking, of course.

The pleasure is all mine.

Thank you so much for coming
out, spending your hard

earned cash.

I know there's been
a recession on.

Someone told me.

Is it still going?

I don't know.

It really didn't affect me.

[LAUGHS]

Just being honest.
Just being honest.

We can laugh about it now.

Come on.

Um, I don't understand
a recession.

It wasn't till last
year I found out

that you could go into your
bank and say, can I withdraw

my cash, and they could go, no.

We ain't got it.
Sorry?

No.

I've got 50,000 pounds saved.

Well, where is it?

Don't know.

Well, have you
checked the vault?

It's empty.

What was the point of that?

You might as well have
kept it in a drawer,

you spotty little twat.

I hope you enjoy the show.

This is nearly the end
of the UK leg of the tour

and then I'm off to
America to finish that off.

And then I'm doing
the rest of the world.

It's gonna be the, the
first world comedy tour.

And then I'm gonna
enter "Britain's Got

Talent," because ooh.

That's when the
career really-- aah.

Look at Susan Boyle if
you can, fucking hell.

Jesus Christ.

Oh.

Shocking.

Be fair though, because
usually in the music industry,

it's all about image, isn't it?

You can't just have a great
voice and a great talent.

You've got to be young, and
thin, and trendy, and pretty.

And she turned all
that on its head.

Although, I think it's
the same powers of image,

just working in reverse with her
because I don't think she has

got a great voice, actually.

I think she's fooled
a lot of people.

It's sort of like
mock opera for people

who don't know any better.

But I don't think she'd
be where she was today

if it wasn't for the
fact that she looked

like such a fucking mong.

He said mong.

Yeah, he did.

Yeah.

You can't say mong.
You can.

It's fucking easy.

It is.

It is one of the
easiest words to say.

It's like, mong.

And it's like you
just need lips.

Mo-- even mongs can say it.

That's part of the
beauty of the word.

They don't consider
it a perk, I'm sure.

But why does he get away
with it and no one else can?

Ban him from the telly.

Good luck.

And even if they do
ban from the telly,

I'll just go around and shout
mong through their window.

[LAUGHS] I care
about it that much.

It's just words and
there is no better

word to describe Susan Boyle.

When, when she first
came on the telly,

right, when she first
came on the telly, I went,

is that a mong?

You all did.

You all did.

And you're meant to, like the
judges hasn't planned that.

Didn't they?
They knew her in rehearsal.

They knew that was
going to happen.

They knew the headline
was going to be, oh, voice

of an angel, face of a mong.
They were right.

And we all fell for it.
You know?

And it-- I don't mean she
has Down syndrome by the way.

No.
No, that would be offensive.

That word doesn't
mean that anymore.

It's far removed from that.

We don't use that word to
describe that condition.

What about the derivation?

Never mind the derivation.

Words change.

When I came out here tonight, I
called you all cunts, remember?

That used to be an insult, but
now it's a term of endearment.

So-- words change.

OK.

Let's get on with it.

No one wants to
be here all night.

Now listen, you can have
too much of a good thing.

Like heroin.
What?

Um, although too much heroin
is, is death basically.

What's up with him?

Too much.

Was it good?

Oh, it was lovely,
but just too much.

That's the thing, kids.

Try anything once, sure.
Try it.

But know this about
heroin, you go, oh go on.

I'll have one.

I'll have one heroin.
Go on.

That's right.

Oh, just have the one.

Oh, that's just right.

Oh, that's fucking lovely, that.

Give us, I can't just have one.
They're like hobnobs.

Or serial killing.

That is-- that's
surprisingly Moorish.

You think, oh, I'll just
do one heinous crime.

I love all that.
I love all that.

I'll just go out.

You go out, tooled up,
and you chop someone up.

And don't just kill them.

If you're a serial
killer, kill them,

fuck them, eat them, right?

In that order.

At least have a thing.

Do you know what I mean?

I don't want to see you on telly
in 10 years time going, oh,

why'd you do it?

Oh, Ricky Gervais told me to try
heroin and be a serial killer.

Oh, what did you do?

Oh, I just killed them.

Well, you didn't fuck
them and eat them though.

Get out of my fucking courtroom.

So, and you go,
well, I've done that.

Get rid of all the body
parts, well, not all of them.

Keep a bit for later.
What?

Don't know.
Jesus Christ.

Oh, maybe you shouldn't mix
alcohol with painkillers.

Right?

It just seemed like
a waste, right?

And, um, you get
home and go, right.

I've done that.
I never have to do that again.

Before you know it, you're back
down B&Q with a brand new claw

hammer going, oh, fuck me.

Here we go again.

So just be warned.

Um, OK.
Let's get on with it.

The show is quite
long, but not as long

as when I saw Ken Dodd
at the Open Air Theatre

in Regent Park.

And I left after 2 and 1/2
hours during the interval.

OK?

He did five hour.

I mean, he was 75 then.

Five hours of stand up comedy.

I can't even fucking stand
up for five hours these days.

And he bounced out, I mean, I
went along somewhat ironically,

but he is a legend.

We got there.

And I went along
with a girlfriend.

And I was, were the youngest
by about 30 years, I think.

Everyone else was like
in their '70s and they

must follow Doddy around.

And they new they were
in it for the long haul.

They'd come cagoules
and packed lunches.

Right?

And, uh, I don't know if you've
been to the Open Air Theatre

in Regence Part, but it's
like this, but without a roof

obviously.

Um, it's got a
stage-show and lights.

And it's got fixed seating, OK?

It's sort of like
amphitheatre seating

all the way around the outside.

Um, and there's
nothing in the middle.

They stuff left that wild.

You can't sit there.

It's just like a, I want
to say grassy knoll,

but I'm not sure
I want a knoll is.

I, I've only ever
heard that when

people are talking about
the Kennedy assassination.

And I assume it's a hillock,
but I didn't want to say hillock

when a president's has his
brain shot out, because it's

vaguely comical, isn't it?

You go, the
president's been shot.

Oh, from where?
A hillock.

A what?

So they say knoll.

And, and they go, oh.

So you go, oh no.
Who shot him?

Or what the fuck's a knoll?

It adds to the mystery.

Anyway, so I look down and
I realise that one person,

I use the term loosely,
had sort of sat there, OK?

And the security had let her and
the people were ignoring her.

I thought, oh-- anyway.

She was a bit.

And oh my god.

She was fa-- I, I'm trying to
be politically correct tonight.

I'm trying to avoid the
phrase fat mental bird,

but that's what she was.

Why do people use
euphemisms like that?

They go like that.

Like they're trying--
but you've said it.

We know what you--
you've said mental.

In fact, you've said it
so more people understand,

the deaf and foreigners
could understand

what you're saying now.

And they don't want
to say fat anymore.

They use euphemisms for fat.

They don't want to
say fat because then

it's a derogatory term.
It's not.

It's descriptive.
OK?

They say things like,
oh, you know Brenda?

No.
Oh, you know Brenda.

Big girl.
What?

Seven foot?
No, not tall.

Bit, bit, big.

What's she look like?
Oh.

But you know, she's
clammy even in winter.

Just say fat.

You know Brenda.

She, she's out of breath
just standing up at he desk.

I've been accused in the past
of having a go at fat people.

I've never had a
go at fat people.

I've only ever pointed
out the scientific fact

that you get fat, you
put on weight, you

put on a subcuticle layer of
fat if you take in more calories

than you burn off.

That's indisputable.
OK?

I don't judge them in any
other aspect of their life,

but they got fat because
they took on more calories

than they burn off, OK?

And they knew that is
what was happening.

No one ever got fat
behind their own back.

No one ever went, uh,
what the fuck's that?

No one's creeping in to
thin people's apartments

and injecting their lettuce
with a million calories, OK?

So they, they're doing it.

They're doing it with
their own free will.

And they know that's
what's making them fat.

OK.

You see a fat person
surrounded by puddings, right?

You go up to him
and you go, Frank,

you know what's making you fat?

He doesn't go, is
it all the running?

He knows it's-- so
what I'm saying is you

get fat if you eat too much.

And you know that's
what's happening.

But I don't judge them in any
other aspect of their life.

I don't make value judgments
on any other corridors

of their existence.

If I see a fat person I
don't go, oh, he's fat,

therefore he's probably jolly.

I lot of them are miserable.

If I see a fat girl
I don't go, oh, she'd

be pretty if she lost weight.

That's rarely the case.

So don't--

A lot of them started eating
because they had fuck all

to lose if I'm
being-- I don't want

any fat people to
feel uncomfortable

at one of my gigs.

So next time buy two seats.

All right?

I'm joking.

I'm joking.

I've got, I haven't got a
problem with fat people.

In fact, I feel sorry for them.

No.

Even though it is
their own fault,

and it is their own
fault, I feel sorry

for them, particularly women.

Because I think fat
is a feminist issue.

Men get fat and we go, fuck
it, all bought and paid for.

right?

We don't come under the
same scrutiny of society

as women because
they're inundated

with how they should look.

This size zero models and
magazines, we'd look like this.

And this diet, that
diet, keep your man.

And I think they
make such an effort.

You see fat girls,
they make an effort.

They've always got lovely hair.

Aren't they?

They're always having
their hair done.

They always-- they've
always got lovely hair,

and lovely long nails.

They make an effort.

Anything but jogging.
All right?

They love high
heels, don't they?

Fat girls, they
loved high heels.

They think it makes their
legs look less, it doesn't.

You can just hear them
coming now. [LAUGHS]

Not on the lino.

Up and down the lawn.

It's good for it.
Go on.

Out you go.

But I'm not having a go.

I was into Radio
4 the other day.

And there was a discussion
about political correctness.

My name came up
straightaway as always, OK?

And this woman was
going, well, yeah.

It's not right.

You know, it's not clever.

He, he makes fun of fat people.

He makes jokes about fat people.

And it's not right.

I mean, he wouldn't make jokes
about gay people, would he?

And being fat is like being gay.

What?

No, it's not.

You can't choose your sexuality.

We've established you choose
to be fat, but I eat right, OK.

But when, with your
sexuality, you're born.

You grow up, you discover you
like same sex relationships.

You move to Brighton.

And, and that's it.

You're gay.

With being fat,
you have to work--

for being fat to be
the same as being gay,

you'd have to be born
straight, grow up

knowing you're
straight, but gradually

and consciously ween
yourself onto cock.

All right?

It doesn't happen.

Happy 16th birthday, son.

This is Raul.

Right?

Suck his cock.

I, I'm heterosexual, Father.

Oh, with his new fangled words.

Suck his cock, come on.

I, I don't like cock.

Doesn't like cock.

How'd you know if
you've never tried it?

Well-- Ah.

Suck his cock, come on.

Oh, suck Raul's cock
for your father.

He's paid for it.

Go on, suck his-- I
don't-- just try it.

Just suck a little bit of cock.
Right.

Just try-- He's bloody
playing with his cock.

Put it in your mouth.

Put it in your mouth.

Oh.
Come on.

Suck it, you bastard.

Suck it.

Oh, it's not so bad, is it?

Oh.

I fucking love these.

When that happens being
fat will be like being gay.

Until then, it ain't.

I was on a plane going from
New York to LA this year.

And they've got proper
fat people in America.

Oh, really.

They put us to shame.

Really.

You see one and you think,
oh yes, a fat person.

I've seen that.
We got them in England.

Yeah.

Big fat face-- what
the fuck are they?

It's like they've gone-- I've
got as fat as I possibly can.

We need to get an extension.

We need to-- what the fuck.

Some of them have got shelves.

Actually got shelves like
they keep biscuits on them.

And me and my girlfriend
were one side of the plane.

OK.
Then there was the aisle.

Then this side were two
really big fat women.

OK?

And one was even fatter
than the other one, right?

In fact, she got on and she
went just blase, quite loudly,

she went, can I have
a belt extension.

And they went, yeah, sure.
Yeah.

Of course you can.
You've earned it.

Right?
So, proper fat.

In fact, I was thinking
of calling the pilot out

and going, should one
of the swap with one

of them because otherwise
we're just going to Canada.

I mean,

And she was there,
OK, and she'd got

on the plane with
when those takeaway

buckets of fast food, bucket.

I mean, there's your first clue.

When did that happen?

When did fat people just
go, and go, oh fuck it.

Gimmie-- treat me
like a farm animal.

Just-- in fact, just strap
it to my fucking head.

Gimmie in a bucket?

Give it-- how'd
you like your meal?

In a bucket, please.

You sure you don't
just want a big plate?

I grew out of plates when
I was five, you cunt.

I want it in a bucket.

Fuck sake.

And she's there and
she's chowing down on it.

And she turns to her friend.

And says, this is the best
fried chicken I've had all day.

Unbelievable.

But I'm not have a go.

I'm not having a go.

Even though it is
their own fault.

And it is their own fault.
I, I feel sorry for them

because I found this
out actually to be fair.

I don't know if you know
this about fat people.

They fucking love cake.

They love it.

You can't leave a cake
out with a fat person.

You could have just
baked a cake for later.

And your neighbor, fat
neighbour could come round.

She could still be chewing
the last of her lunch.

And she'll come in and
she'll see the cake.

And she'll just stop like that.

And then she'll look
at you like that.

And you'll go, oh, that's
for, for Brian's birthday.

Do you, do you
want a little bit?

Yeah.
Go on.

Is Just a little bit.
Yeah, yeah.

Just a little taste.
There you go.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, oh, that is lovely.

Oh.

That is beautiful.

Oh, fuck it.

But I blame the food
industries, right?

If you go in a supermarket
it's full of that crap.

Everything is hydrogenated fats.

Everything's got thousands of
calories in like a portion.

They're injecting calories
with calories and deep frying

and sprinkling on
fucking calories.

OK?

And I think that fat people
find that irresistible.

They've got no will power.

So I think we've
got to help them.

OK?

And also, have see
how big the doors

are to get into a supermarket?

They're-- they're quad-- no
one gets too big to get through

the door of a supermarket.

OK?

So, and they open automatically.

So no one's using calories
by pushing anything.

OK.

It's a good job they
do open automatically

because they're usually glass.

And the fat person seeing
the cake from down there,

and they're just
doing like that.

And they're grazing.
They're grazing like that.

All right?

Keep the door.

Keep the big door.
Come on, fat people.

You can all get in.

You can all get in.
Here they come.

I can hear them.
Here they come.

Right?

And they're in there.

But when they get in there
it's all fresh fruit and veg.

And whole grains.

And they'll be--
of course they'll

be flabbergasted at first.

They won't understand it.

That's not real food to them.

They think brussel
sprouts is packaging.

They're looking--
where's the cake?

The cake?

Cakes are over there.

Oh, the cakes are over here.

The cakes are over here
through a human sized door.

Oh.

And they go, oh, fucking hell.

I can't, I can't get it.

I can't get the cake.

They take their heels off.

They're trying to
hook some cake.

Oh.

And they don't know what to do.

They're starving,
so they have to go

and eat and banana. [GAGGING]

They go, fuck me.

Carrots and nuts, anything.

Just try.

And they're back and forth.

And the fat's falling
off them, right?

And soon, they can
slip through the door.

And have a cake.

And they can't get out
again, but, but I'm saying,

we've got to do something.

We've gotta intervene because
we've got to help them.

And people say, no, no.

Nothing to do with you.

It's their body.

It's their life.

Yeah, but we don't say that
about wearing a crash helmet,

or wearing a safety belt, do we?

Or if you've got a smackhead
in the family you don't go,

oh, it's his body.

He love the old heroin, right?

You go, please don't die.

Please stop this shit.

And you grab them and you
throw him in a cupboard

for three weeks or whatever.

And you can't throw a
fat person in a cupboard.

You'd do your back in like me,
but I'm saying-- smackheads

don't weight anything.

You can fling them around.

In fact, when they're
lying there just

get the needle and just flick.

And they just sort
of go in like that.

Fat people, you've
got to lure them in.

Just a little trail of M&Ms,
they'll follow that anywhere.

See?
I do care. [LAUGHS] Oh, god.

Where was I?
Oh, yeah.

Ken Dodd.

Right.

So I'm at Ken Dodd.

There's this big, fat
women sitting there.

And obviously
security-- I assumed

she must follow Dodd
around because everyone's

turning a blind eye, right?
Even Dodd.

Dodd's ignoring her.
She's 20 yards from him, right?

And he's, and she's, oh my god.

I've got to use
one of his words.

She's blobbular.

OK?

She's About 45, 50 stone.
No.

She's about, she's
about 20 stone.

And she say that cross-legged
eating a packed lunch, OK.

She's has this like big white,
greying sort of t-shirt.

And, um, oh.

And wearing leggings.

No.

Don't wear leggings
if you're that shape.

OK?

It looked like someone
had painted the bottom

of an egg black, right?

And she made no effort.

That's it.

Just had lank, greasy hair.

And she'd eaten
her nails, I think.

Um, I tell you what
she looked like.

This might not mean
anything to you,

but they're the bane of my life.

She looked like
autograph hunter.

Now these people are the
epsilon minors of society,

even train spotters look
down on autograph hunters.

They've all got
this haircut, right?

Everything is
tucked in like that.

They've always
got like a satchel

where they just rip things
out of the "Radio Times."

Sign this, Ricky.
Yeah.

Sign this.
Sign this.

That's a piece of toast, mate.

What?

Not one of them's symmetrical.

I mean, they're a mess.

I don't mean their clothes.

I mean their fucking DNA.

Its just-- back to handsome.

I was, um, I was doing
a radio interview,

um, a while back on Capitol
Radio in Lester Square.

And it was live, which
is always a mistake

because these little
freaks hear you at home.

And nowadays
because of the phone

scandals, if
something's pre-recorded

they have to tell you about it.

So if it really is live
they bang on about it.

And they were going,
he's actually here

now in the heart of London.
It's Ricky Gervais.

It's quarter to 11:00.

And they hear you.

And they go, he's there?

And they come along
and wait for you.

They know where
you are, like that.

Right?

And I was coming down the
stairs after the interview

and the security guard said,
oh, there's a few autograph.

I went out there,
and there they were.

About 16 of them.

I don't know the
collective noun.

Gaggle of mongs.

Right?

And the first thing
that hits you is the BO.

It is staggering.

OK?

And so I'm, I'm nice to them.

They're strong.

And, uh, fuck it.

And I'm signing.
I'm getting away.

And as I'm going away, right,
I feel someone hit me there.

And I looked down and
it wasn't one of them.

It was this old lady
that had sort of wondered

over the square.

She was about 60, 65.

Really sort of grimy, right?

And so I had a bandana
with sort of tassels on it,

and sort of these, a robe thing.

And sort of bangles.

And she was selling like some
sort of twig in, in tin foil.

Again, I don't know the
politically correct term.

Is it smelly traveller?

I think it is.

I think it is.
All right.

And she went, lucky ever?

I went, not thanks.

I wanted to go
back and go, what?

What?

Lucky ever.

Is it?

Is it?

How lucky is it?

Cause you're covered
in the shit and you're

begging in Lester Square, so.

Fucking maggot.
Get off me.

I, uh, Ken Dodd.
Sorry, right.

So Ken Dodd, me,
hundreds of old people.

OK.
Ken Dodd.

Hum.
You're [INAUDIBLE].

Right?

Fat, mad woman sat
there cross-legged.

Every time Dodd goes, hum.

She goes [WAILING]
like that, right?

I mean, everyone's ignoring her.

They, she must go
to every concert,

obviously a bit of a stalker.

Dodd, not put off at all.
Just doing his thing.

Hum.

[WAILING] Jane's
going, don't look.

I'm going, you're having
a laugh, ain't you?

I can't turn my eyes off her.

I'm, I'm looking at this.

Every time he goes,
hum, I'm looking at him,

I'm looking at her.

I'm looking at him like
that, back and forth.

It's like tennis at "One
Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest."

It was like-- and so
she's there, right?

And this is a true story.

After about 20 minutes her
hand goes down the leggings.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And oh, right?

So everyone just-- I
could feel them go around.

I'm going, oh my god.
Oh my god.

Suddenly this is
interesting again.

Hum.
Right?

So I'm just like.

And-- no, but she's not
doing it discreetly.

Her little fucking legs
are straight out now.

I mean, 20 years
in front of Dodd.

Trying to do little sort
of jokes about tax evasion.

It was under the carpet.

Eh, right?

And she's, no, but
she's making a noise.

Not my fucking thi--
she's sort of going, eh.

Because she was Flipper, right?

What?

Timmy's fallen down a well?

[SQUEAKING] I think she
wants us to follow her.

[SQUEAKING] Right?

So she's going on--
she's going away.

She finishes.

She goes, she goes [MOANING],
has another sandwich.

Oh.

True story.

I don't know why I told you.

But it is the truth.

It's out of my head
and into yours now.

Oh.

[LAUGHS]

This show's called Science,
by the way. [LAUGHS] Oh.

Wikipedia says that science
is the concerted human effort

to understand the
physical or natural world.

Science seeks the truth and
it doesn't discriminate.

So something's either
true or it isn't.

It hasn't got a will or hope.

OK?

You know, a moral conscience.

For better or worse
it finds things out.

Whether that is inventing
the atomic bomb capable

of mass human destruction or
discovering ways to end famine.

I've heard an
interesting phrase coined

about the dropping of the
atomic bomb on Hiroshima.

Someone said that dropping
the atomic bomb on Hiroshima

is an example of
science going wrong,

whereas I think it worked
a treat, didn't it?

I assume that's what they
wanted to happen, wasn't it?

They said, how could
we melt 100,000

Japanese people really quickly?

Someone said, try
the atomic bomb?

They went, did it work?

Yep.

So the science went right.

Just a fucking bit.

Yeah.

The science going wrong,
we don't come around going,

did it explode?

No.

Oh, fuck.

No?

Oh, did it kill anyone?

One.

Just hit him
straight on the head.

He was out shopping.

For a camera, probably.

Shut up.

Fuck off.

No, but that isn't science's
fault. Do you know what I mean?

Science discovered
that that process

could release all that energy.

The military did that.

Governments, us,
we're in charge.

Science is to enhance
our existence.

The big one there is
obviously famine, OK?

And you can't have
a good life if you

haven't got a life at all.

And I'm all for ending
famine obviously.

As long as it doesn't
affect me in the slightest.

Um, which brings me
to this little fad

that we need to stamp out.

This happened to me Christmas
before last exchanging

gifts with friends, old
friends, good friends.

Quite well off friends
if I'm being honest.

I gave them a coffee making
machine from Selfridges,

top of the range.

They loved it.

They loved it.

And, uh, they gave me mine.
It was just a card.

I thought, oh.

Vouchers.

I opened it up.

It, it wasn't vouchers.

It was just a card with
a picture a goat on it.

Um, and some stuff about--
and I said, what's this?

They went, oh, our
gift to you is we gave

a goat to an African family.
What?

I'm looking at the coffee
machine thinking is it too

late to say that's a mistake?

Take that back.

They had it under
their arm, right?

So I, went, oh, and
we bought you a goat

and we gave it to
an African family.

Oh, did you?

Oh, So I've got
fuck all basically.

That is basically what
you're saying, isn't it?

I mean, why the-- I don't
even know this African family.

Why would I give them a goat?

Why would I give them my goat?

A goat I didn't know I
had till a minute ago.

Give me my fucking goat.

Where's my goat?

I mean, the arrogance to
say I've got you a goat,

but I gave it away.

Next year I'm gonna go,
oh, I got you a hedgehog,

but I threw it to some
gipsies on the way.

Is that all right?

This serves no purpose.

This is good for no one.

They're 50 quid down.

I've got nothing.
OK?

The African family's going,
not another mouth to feed.

Right?

The goat is going,
where the fuck am I?

What the-- a week away I was
gambling around the Cotswolds.

There was grass and
tourists with nuts and shit.

This is a fucking dust bowl.

This is shit.

There's no way the goat
wanted to go to Africa.

There was no way.

It was basically kidnapped.

It was abducted.

It was put in a sack
and bundled on a boat

to Africa, like
"Roots" in reverse.

There is no way
that-- when they said,

do you want to go to Africa?

I went, definitely, no.
No way.

No.

Come on, why don't you
want to go to Africa?

Um, lions.

[LAUGHS]
Come on.

Why don't you want
to go to Africa?

Um, AIDS.

Well, that shouldn't affect you.
It shouldn't.

So just be careful with charity,
OK, particularly at Christmas.

That's when they sting you,
when they give you a guilt trip.

You're sitting
down Christmas day.

You've got all your
food, loads of food.

Too much food.

Probably going to
throw a lot of it away.

And all the adverts on telly
are for charities, right?

Um, this one runs
every Christmas day.

"Is there an old
lady near you cold

and lonely this Christmas?"
Yep.

I fucking hate her.

Nosy bitch winds me
up all year round.

I can't wait for the cold
weather, if I'm being honest.

There's no old lady near me.

She died last year
of hypothermia.

So result.

The other big campaign, the
other big campaign, a dog

is for life, not
just for Christmas.

Right behind that.

I love animals.

I'm really into animal welfare.

And that's obviously aimed
at parents whose kids go,

can I have a puppy?
Can I have a puppy?

No.
Can I have a puppy?

Can I-- and they give
in to shut them up.

And they get the puppy.

And they like it when it's cute.

Then they grow and
they get bored with it.

And they lumber the parents,
but then the parents get bored

with it, and they abandon it.

11,000 pets abandoned in
England and Wales last year.

And I think kids
should have pets.

I think it teaches
them life lessons.

I haven't got
children of my own,

but I've got loads of
nieces and nephews.

And they've got kids
of their own now.

And I want to be a cool uncle
and give them what they want,

but I want to be a
responsible one, too.

And sort of not to the
add to the stray problem.

But I think I've
solved the dilemma.

This is what I do.
OK.

Here's a tip.

You've got to wait
till Christmas Eve.

Go to an animal shelter
or an animal rescue home,

not a breeder.

And I go there and I go
straight to the veterinary bit.

And when they're
dealing with, like,

the little runts that
are born all sick,

and they're just
putting them down.

They've got no quality of life.

I go, no, don't kill that one.

I'll take that one.

And they go, it's only
going to live day.

So I run home with it,
going, don't die yet.

Get your Starbucks,
little bit of Starbucks.

Don't die yet.
Don't die.

And I run in.

And I call my niece.

She runs over.

I go, look.

Oh, you got me a puppy.

Oh, you're the best
uncle, got you a puppy.

Oh, thanks.

Go and play with it.
Quick.

Go and play with it.

And they take it to
bed Christmas Eve

and they sleep with it.

And they wake up Christmas Day,
it's cold, dead, stiff, gone.

So not a problem.

Um, and they always
come down and they

say, oh, my puppy's dead.
And I go, what?

The puppy your uncle got you?

He did his bit and
whatever happened

after that isn't his problem.

And they go, yeah.

And I go, oh no.

Maybe you rolled over
on it in the night.

Oh, did I? [CRYING] And they
always go, I killed my puppy.

I killed my puppy.

I go, no.

No, you didn't kill your puppy.

Jesus killed you puppy.

On his birthday
because you didn't

spend enough on your
uncle's Christmas present.

So they usually buck their
ideas up the next year.

The other big campaign of
course, don't drink and drive.

Right behind that as well, a
lot more stigma attached now.

When I was growing up
there was no stigma.

It was like, if you've
got away with it.

That was all right.

I did get in the car with grown
ups, um, family and I'd go,

oh, you can't drive.
You're drunk.

And they'd go, it's all right.

I won't get caught.

But people now know that
that's not the point.

It wrecks lives.

I've done it once.

I'm not proud of it
in the slightest.

I'm fucking ashamed of it.

I wasn't drunk, but
I was over the limit.

That was Christmas.

And I took the car out.

And I knew I shouldn't.

I knew at the time I
shouldn't be in this car.

But I learned my lesson because
I nearly killed an old woman.

In the end I didn't kill her.

In the end I just raped her.

But as I say, nothing
came of it because luckily

thousand to one shot, I
know, she had Alzheimer's.

Yeah.

Not a credible witness.

I tell you what, spiders,
they're always ready,

aren't they?
Spiders.

Always ready for action.

A spider is always
already like that.

Completely ready all the time.

I mean, some animals
are sometimes ready.

You scare a cat and
it'll go, oh, like that.

OK?

Then it goes back to chill.

Though most of the time
they're just on, on their side,

aren't they?

Cats, cats, will just chill
out with their head down,

all four limbs stretched
out in one direction.

You will never see
a spider like that.

You will never see a spider
just lying on the floor

with his head down like that.

And all eight legs
just out like that.

What the fuck?

They're always ready like that.

And they're always ready
in every direction,

like the fucking matrix.

They don't have to
go, what was that.

They don't have to do it.

Like it's got fucking 10 eyes
and eight legs, over the top.

They're even ready when you
don't think they're ready.

You can see an empty web and
you go, that spider's not ready.

No?
Touch the web.

What?
Touch the web.

And it's there.

I fucking hate them.

37,000 different
species of spider.

37,000 different
species of spider.

I mean, millions and billions of
individual in each species, OK,

and that's just one class.

Arachnid, and one phylum.

Arthropod, which there are many.

There could be 5 million
species of animal on the earth.

Best guess, right,
minimum, scientists say.

There's so many we can't.

But 5 million.

And that's 1% of all species
that have ever existed.

99% of all animal species
that ever existed are extinct.

And that remaining 1%
is 5 million strong.

Take one of those
species, termites.

If you were weight
every termite alive now

it would be 10 times the tonnage
of every human being on Earth.

And it's statistics
like that that

make me think that this
book isn't totally accurate.

Um, It's the, uh,
the book of Noah.

Um, the children's edition.

Um, I got this as
prize at Sunday school.

I used to go every week.

I believed in all this
till I was about eight.

Um, this is when I was four.

Um, St. Agnes Sunday School
presented to Ricky Gervais,

R-I-K-K-I, like a
fucking mongoose.

For regular attendance.

Not even doing anything good.

Just for turning up.
Oh, he's always here.

Give him something.
He'll be back.

Let's have a look
at the evidence.

"Long, long ago when God
first made the earth,"

I'll let both those points slip.

We haven't got time.

OK.

Long, long ago, I
should just say,

is 5,000 years
according to the Bible.

According to the Old
Testament, the Earth is

no older than 5,000 years, OK.

Which puts around the time of
the agricultural revolution.

It's actually 4.6
billion years old.

Let's pop that in.

4.6 billion years ago, when
God first made the earth,

and stall sky, all right.

Don't big it up.

I mean, it, it comes
as a package, really.

Doesn't it?

You can-- the sky was
never an optional extra.

It could be.

Built you a planet.

I can't breathe.

Would you like an atmosphere?
Of course I fucking would.

So--

Everything was peaceful.

Everything beautiful.

God made human beings, too.

And he wanted them to
be good like himself.

Arrogant.

But very soon they
wanted their own way.

They would not listen to God.

They became wicked
and did wicked things.

Look at them doing
wicked things there.

Look at that.

You can't get more
wicked than that.

Re-- oh, fuck off, wicked.

Re-- fuck off, wicked.

God looking on.
Yeah, carry on.

See what happens.
See what happens/

Bloke there running off
with a big bag of money.

Don't put it in
a bank, you cunt.

God looked at them and said to
himself, they are so wicked.

I will have to wipe them
off the face of the earth.

Really?

That's your only choice, is it?

That-- you'll have to?

Straight to genocide.

No one verbal and
two written warnings.

No?

Just straight to
the annihilation

of the entire human race
because of fatty yellow trousers

picked someone's nose?

That's, that's your
solution, is it?

I mean, anger management.

Chill the fuck out.

I read this book to
Karl Pilkington, right?

Who, yeah, he's an absolute.

Yes.

[CHEERING]

Head like a fucking
orange, I know.

Um, but I got to this bit.

And I said, they are so
wicked I will have to wipe

them off the face of the earth.

And Karl goes, he sounds gay.

I went, what do you mean?

And he went, some gays
are a bit like that.

He thought God was
having a hissy fit.

Like God's going, look
what they've-- no,

they're treating me like cunt.

Now I'm gonna treat
them like a cunt.

I said, Karl, God is not gay.

All right?

Read the Bible.

He hates them.

They are so wicked I
will have to wipe them

off the face of the
earth and everything

living thing with them.

What's the squid ever done?

In Leviticus, I think it is,
they list all the animals,

your, all the punishments
for sleeping with them,

like if you lay with a
stote, you'll do this.

And if you lay with somebody,
you do that, and you're killed.

And one of them is if you,
if you sleep with a squid

you get smitten in the knees.

So if people coming
back from the beach

like that you know
exactly what they've done.

Anyway, God is not gay.

Let's establish that.

But there was one man
who was still very good.

His name was Noah.

He was a friend of
God, just a friend.

So don't, no.

Just a friend.

A friend with big
hooped earrings.

Rouge?

What the fuck?

Where'd he get that from?

He lives in a cave.

What the-- what you doing?

Seeing God.

You never know.

You never know.

A handlebar moustache.

Holding God's hand.

Who's wearing a blouse.

The old hand going
down the leggings.

What?

But God isn't gay.

God said to Noah, I
am so angry with men.

You mean men and women?
Whatever.

That I have made my mind
up to destroy them all.

I have stretched
my bow in the sky.

It is a rainbow.

That's gotta be the world's
first pun, doesn't it?

It will make so
much rain pour down

on earth that everything will be
drowned, [LAUGHS] but not you.

I want you to build an arc.

It must be like a big boat with
three decks and a roof over it.

Yeah.
I know what an arc is, mate.

Jesus.

And you will make a
door in the side of it.

Do you think of a
complete fucking mong?

Noah did exactly
what God told him.

And then God said to Noah,
now, OK, this book, admittedly,

aimed at children, but
taken from the story

in the Old Testament of Noah,
I don't think the author

of this book was a zoologist.

Um, as we've said.

They could be 5 million species.

I don't think he
knows all them the way

he backs out very quickly
in this next sentence.

"I want you to take two
of every kind of animal

with you into the arc.

Two lions, two tigers,
two elephants, so on."

Look after them well
and keep them alive.

And Noah did what God said.

Now, I want you to
study that scenario.

So God is angry with mankind.
OK.

He's wiping them out
and starting again

with just Noah and his wife.

He's angry at the animals
as well for some reason.

I don't know why, but
he's gonna start again.

Two of each, right?

He called the floods.

Builds an arc, OK?
Noah says, right.

Two of every kind.

You two, you two, there's
a fucking stampede.

Every animal speeds.

Two elephants.

Two toucans.
Just walking.

Don't know why, I think
this one's in-- this one

wants to fly, I think.

He's going, we'd get there
quicker if we-- if we flew.

Na.

No?

No.

I could do this all night.

No?

No.

Sure?

Yeah.

I mean, we, we've got wings.

We got feet, too.

Why don't-- why don't
you want to push in?

Because that elephant's
looking at me funny.

Yeah, I am.

You push in and I will stamp
on you, you big nosed twat.

Whoa.

Who are you calling big nosed?

[LAUGHS] What?

Whoa.

Pot kettle.

What does that mean?

Pot kettle?

Pot calling kettle black.

What the fuck you--
oh, forget it.

I can't forget it.
I'm a fucking elephant.

Two camels, two
lions, two ostriches,

two leopards, two
tigers, two zebra, oh,

here's the crux of my point.

Just one species on
the arc at the moment.

Uh, giraffes, OK?

Another 5 million
to get on there.

Two of each.
10 million.

10 million animals to
get on that, that arc.

They go on, I mean, that's
just a few of them, right?

That's like 10 or 12.

They go on as far as 10
million more to get on there.

Just two on there at the moment.

Uh, look how much room
they're already taking up.

It's a third capacity.

What's it going to
be like on there

when these two fat cunts get on?

Then God bent the
bow of his anger

and the rain came flooding down,
covering the earth with water.

It rained for 40
days and nights.

The flood water rose
higher and higher

until it covered the tops
of the highest mountains.

Every living thing was drowned
except Noah and the animals

in the arc.

And the fish.

They were fine, weren't they?

In fact, all the sea creatures.

I mean, they were loving it.

They were better
off if anything.

Mountains under water.

They're domain had
increased like tenfold.

You got crabs going, I'm
on a fucking mountain.

This is amazing.

I've never been up here before.

I think that when
you see on the news

when a little village
in, in Gloucester

gets flooded or something.

And it's really sad.

People have lost their
homes and they're

sort of traipsing around or in
dingies carrying their pets.

And it's, it's tragic, right?

But you see like a little
tow of antique shops

just completely underwater.

And I always think
of a fish just

looking in the window
of that antique shop

for the first time.
Right?

So that's a chaise lounge.

For 150 days the Earth
was covered with water.

Then Noah opened the window
of the arc and looked out.

The water seemed to be going
down, but how could he be sure?

Well, just ask God.

You've been chatting to
him all the way through.

Why's, why's he
suddenly [INAUDIBLE]?

I mean, we're
getting cryptic here.

"He sent a raven out, but
it soon came flying back.

It could find no
where to settle.

Noah waited another week
and he sent out a dove."

Why did the raven lose his job?

"But the dove came back, too."

See, the raven
wasn't bullshitting.

This is-- "there was still
no dry land anywhere,

but one day the dove flew
out," why did the dove get

another go and not the raven?
Racist.

"But one day the dove
flew out and brought back

a green olive
branch and Noah knew

that God was no longer angry.

Then God told Noah to let
the animals out of the arc.

I must once more fill the
earth with living things.

The first thing Noah did
was to build an altar.

He offered a sacrifice to God
to thank him for saving them.

And God, I will make a pact
of friendship with you.

I will never again send a
flood to destroy the earth.

The rainbow, which
I put in the sky,

will no longer be a sign of
my anger, but a sign of peace.

It will be a sign of my
friendship with men."

There it is.

That is, that is how it is.

That is how it is used today.

Um, they took it a bit
literally, I think.

It will be a sign
of my friendship

with men, which begins today.

And which my son Jesus
will one day prove

by shedding his blood for men.
Who?

You'll see.

Oh.

There wasn't a teaser
campaign in the Old Testament,

was there?

Coming soon, the sequel.

"And so when you have done wrong
and you are feeling very sad

about it think of the rainbow.

And the piece which God
wants to put into your heart.

He has promised
to be your friend.

Promise to be his."

And that's just one of 12
in the Dove book series.

I've only got one,
number nine, Noah.

But I think my favourite
would be number

eight just from the title.

Jesus and the cripple.

We don't use that
word anymore, Jesus.

[LAUGHS] I'm writing number
13, Moses and the mong.

I read that whole book to Karl.

And he believed every word.
Why wouldn't he?

It's written down.

Um, and I said, but,
Karl, how could they get

10 million animals on a boat?

He went, said it was a big boat.
I said, yeah.

No, that's true.
They did.

I said, but, they're all
part of the food chain.

They would've literally had to
have eaten other to survive.

Why didn't the lion
eat the antelope?

Why didn't the
spider eat the fly?

And Karl said, because in a
crisis you all pull together.

Amazing.

It was amazing.

I'd love to do a
book of his quotes.

Um, I love books of quotations.

I sort of-- I read
them, um, for pleasure.

I've got a few of
these compilations

and, uh, one of my heroes
is Winston Churchill.

And, uh, when I read,
"give us the tools

and we will finish the job,"
I thought how inspiring.

And when I read, "never in
the field of human conflict

was so much owed by
so many to so few,"

I thought, how patriotic.

And when I read, "it is a good
thing for an uneducated man

to read books of quotations,"
I thought you cheeky fat git.

People say that Oscar
Wilde is the greatest

genius that's ever lived.
Let's test that.

Let's see, here's one of his.

"All women become
like their mothers.

That is their tragedy.

No man does.

That is his."

That sounds a bit gay to me.

Just, I don't know.
Give another go.

Here's another one.

"I couldn't help it.

I can resist everything
except temptation."

That sounds gay as well.

I want to start out with an oh.

I want to go, "oh,
I couldn't help it."

You know?

And I want to end
it with, "I can

resist everything
except temptation,

chance would be a fine thing."

Do you know what I mean?

And when he went through customs
all those years ago in New

York and the customs
officer just doing his job

said, have you
anything to declare,

Oscar Wilde famously said,
nothing, but my genius.

It's not witty.
He planned that.

I'll bet the first
time he went through

customs in a foreign country
he was all, Yes, sir, no, sir.

Anything to declare?
No.

On you go.

Oh, I just thought of something
fucking brilliant to say.

Excuse me, can I go-- no.
No?

Oh, god.

He had to wait
weeks in those days.

Back on a boat to
England planning it.

Anything to declare?

Nothing but my genius.

I'll be in a book of
quotations with that.

So he gets there again.

Finds the same bloke.

Goes on.

Block goes, on you go.

Oh, didn't even fucking
ask me that time.

Excuse me.

They didn't ask me if I
had anything to declare.

Random.

Fucking random.

Back on the boat.

Three weeks.

Planning, anything
to declare, no.

Gets there again.

Right?

Gets in the same bloke's queue.

This time he looks all
shifty so he gets called out.

And the bloke goes,
did you buy anything?

That's not the question.

Just say have you
anything to declare.

Have you anything to declare?

Nothing but my genius.

Who's the butt plugs?
They're mine.

Incarcerated in Reading
Gaol for Homosexuality.

Come a long way
from it but being

punishable and illegal to
total equality as it should be.

Gay age of consent,
same as heterosexuality.

And, uh, even gay marriage.

Although in the one place
that ahead of the game,

ironically, they
sort of fell behind.

Uh, California.

Um, they overturned it
at the last election.

They had a referendum.

And they said, no
to gay marriage.

Uh, you got people in
San Francisco going,

that's why we moved here.

It's a strange sort
of bigotry that you

could affect someone's lifestyle
that doesn't affect you back.

It's not like they asked
someone once and said,

do you mind if these
two men get married?

And they went, oh, yeah.
OK.

OK.
Wank them off then.

What?

I didn't know that
was going to happen.

That-- it's also a
strange sort of bigotry

because presuming those
people that object to that

are the same people
that said, gay people

were promiscuous, and
immoral, but now they

don't want it to be
monogamous and respectful

in the eyes of God.

And must be so confusing
to a gay guy in California

going, that's the bit they do
want with all the other shit we

do, that's the bit?

That, they must be going
to judges going, sorry.

Could I get the rules straight?

What do you wanna know?

Can I marry a man?

No.

Can I, can I shag one up the
ass and give him a little

reach around?

Yes. [LAUGHS] Right.

I can't marry him.
No.

Can I pick up a
stranger in the bushes,

take him home, jizz him, and
throw him out in the morning

all crusty and homeless?

Please do. [LAUGHS]

Couldn't marry him?

No.

Right.

Can I get 15 men in
a-- I'm just riffing.

15 men in a semicircle,
naked, bent over,

spreading their ass
cheeks, and attach a dildo

to every part of my body?

Go at them for half an hour?

If you want.

Yeah.

I don't know why I chose
15 in a semicircle.

I think subconsciously
I was thinking

of that TV show "15 to 1."

That would have been
different, wouldn't it?

Also, no.
Line them up.

Also, I wouldn't face them away.

I'd face them to me so you
could get a-- that's one thing.

Ah, no.

If you were to wank of
15 men at a time, kids,

it's like plate spinning.

It is like plate
spinning because, no.

It is.

Because you get these two ready
to go, but they're losing it.

So you have to-- you have to
go [MOANING], for fuck's sake.

Oh.

Ain't it knacking wanking
off 15 men at once?

Never thought I'd say that.
Again.

What?

I hope I haven't offended
anyone with any of the subject

matter in this show.

I really do.

It's not the point, but
if I have offended anyone,

and I'm sure I
have, that I don't

apologise for it
because there's a spate

of comedians going, oh, sorry.

I didn't mean it.

Shouldn't have said it then.
You're an idiot.

Right?

They, they bow to
this, this pressure

of going on all these
witch hunts going,

there are things you
shouldn't make jokes about.

No.

There's nothing you
can't make a joke about.

It depends what the joke is.

Comedy comes from a
good or a bad place.

It's contextual.

It's like this big
debate about swearing.

Is swearing OK on television?

It depends.

Use your common sense
and your remote control.

Don't write a letter.

It's like-- be warned, right?

If it's a documentary about
prisoners on death row

there's probably going
to be a bit of language.

OK?

They've got nothing
to lose, right?

Whereas, I'd complain.

If it was the news and Trevor
McDonald came out and went,

oh, fuck me.

Nasty train crash, right?

I go, no, Trev.
Do it straight.

That's the news, mate.

Right?

Like if I was watching
"Antiques Roadshow,"

and Michael Aspel was there with
a sweet old 90-year-old man.

And he went, uh,
well, Albert, um, this

ring your dead wife left
you is worth fuck all

and she's made you look
a right cunt on telly.

Actually, I'd love that.

That would be amazing.

[LAUGHS] Best
first episode ever.

Um, no.

But what I'm saying
there's this big thing

about, oh, um, sick jokes.

Oh, sick jokes.

Oh, sick jokes.

Thing is, you tell a sick joke
with the express understanding

that neither party
is really like that.

I wouldn't tell a sick
joke to a known paedophile.

I wouldn't go, here,
mate, you are gonna love

this more than anyone, son.

All right?

Do you see my point?

And I've never been in
trouble for anything

I've said because I don't
care what people think.

And I refuse to
apologise for it.

I mean, growing up I always
used to sort of like, you know,

test the boundaries
a little bit and try

and get people to
laugh at things

they thought they shouldn't.

Um, I remember when I was--
actually wasn't a kid.

I was about 25.

[LAUGHS] Um, me
and my girlfriend

had met this other couple.

They'd move down
from the North, OK.

And, um, they used to come in
the place where I used to work.

And we'd had a couple
of drinks with them.

And then one day they
invited us to a party.

And we went along.

And one, it was a dinner party.

They hadn't warned us
about that, but two,

it was with their parents,
both sets of parents,

their grandparents, and
some great aunts and uncles

that had down from the north to
see how they were getting on.

So average age of
about 85, right?

And I think we were
an afterthought.

They thought, oh, we got
no one there our own age.

Oh, Ricky and Jane.

Invite them.

So we came along.

And we're still sort of
getting to know them.

And as I say, I always just
do it, you know, muck around.

And make up jokes.

And see if I could,
you know, us Brits,

we use humour all the time.

Two Brits meet and it's the
first one to get a gag out, OK?

Whether it's irony,
satire, silliness.

We, we use it as a sword,
and a shield, and a medicine,

but mostly as a
getting to know you.

Are you like minded?

OK?

So, uh, I told this joke.

I started off
lightly in case they

didn't like that sort of thing.

I said, um, why did the little
girl fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

Yeah, right?
OK.

Sweet.

And they laughed.

A little bit louder than that.

There was only two of them.

So thanks, right.

So I though, OK.
They get it.

They like that sort of thing.

And, you know, you up
the ante a little bit.

And I told this joke.

Oh, OK.

Having a little drink.

Start the car.
Right.

I told this joke.

I made sure the old
people couldn't hear.

All right.

Father, sitting at
home reading the paper.

His little girl
comes running in.

She's only six.

Hello, dear.

Hello, daddy.

What you been doing then?

I'm playing in a park.

Oh, with your friends?

Yeah, until the man came along.

Till the man came along?

Yeah, a man came along and
he asked my friends to leave

so it was just me and him.

Darling, come, come over here.

Come here, darling.

Whatever happened, none
of it was your fault, OK?

But tell daddy every detail.

What happened, darling?

What happened?

Um, he took me behind
a wall so no one

could see what we were doing.

Oh god, darling.

And then what happened?

Um, he took my dress off.

Oh god, darling.
What happened then?

What happened then?

Um, he took his thing out.
Oh god.

What happened then, darling?

Nothing, that was it.

Oh, we'll make something up.

Don't tell anyone that.

I want it to be a surprise.
So I told that joke.

And I carried on.
We're getting a bit drunk.

And I'm telling more jokes.

Eventually we sat down
about quarter to 10:00.

They put two sort of
kitchen tables together.

And, uh, the hosts
sat at either end.

And they sat me in
the middle opposite

to this very sweet, but very
deaf sort of 80-year-old man.

So the conversation
was a bit stilted.

And after about 20 minutes
Ian, one of the hosts,

pipes up and says,
oh, tell that joke.

What?

And all the old people
go, oh, we love jokes.

Do you?

I looked at Ian.
He went, it'll be fine.

I went, OK.

And he sort of got on
with his conversation.

I went, oh, um,
they're all like that.

All sweet old faces.

I went, oh.

Um, father, sitting at
home reading the paper.

His little girl comes-- told
the whole joke, got to the bit,

well, make something up.

And they went, uh, silence.

I looked at Ian, he
went, not that one!

Thanks very much.
You've been fantastic.

Good night.
Cheers.

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you.

Thank you.
Cheers.

Thank you very much.

Um, oh, thank you.

Uh, I should, I should just
say, um, not a lot of science.

But then, if you've come here
to revise for your thesis,

you're fucked to be honest.

I should have called
it, an investigation

into the rational
and non-rational

because we impose sort of
scientific method on a few--

we busted a few myths, remember?

Fat birds losing weight and
looking-- remember that one?

We did that.

And we looked at a few
things you may or might not

believe in, religion,
or racism, homophobia,

two things I've been a
part of because they're

born of ignorance and fear.

And it's fear that I think
threatens rational thought more

than anything.

I've always considered
myself a sort liberal,

rational sort of bloke.

And then after
9/11 the world went

a bit crazy, understandably.

The rules suddenly changed
and there was a lot of anger,

and fear, and
fingerpointing, and hysteria.

And I still try to remain
rational in it all.

I'd be in, in the pub
with, with friends.

Now we're going, no,
you can't say that.

That's a generalisation.

Oh, you just read that.

No, you do it.

That's not true.

That's a received wisdom.

That's not a-- no, you can't
tie with the same brush.

No, it's still the
safest form of transport.

It's 16 million to one
trying to remain rational.

That's in a pub.

When I'm flying it's more
like, check him again.

Can we?

What the-- what?

He's getting, he's getting
on my-- can I check him?

Can I fucking check him?

But that's, that's fear.

I'd always been a
nervous flyer, actually.

And I flew before, soon
before and straight

after 9/11, always in and
out of like New York and LA.

And I try to remain,
again rational.

I was thinking, no.

It's even safer now.

It's even safer now.

It's harder to get--
and then I found out

that a suicide bomber doesn't
even have to get on the plane

now.

They don't even have
to commit suicide.

Now they can, they've got
heat seeking missiles.

They can take the plane
out in the first 10

minutes of takeoff.

So now I'd on the
plan like that.

Right, we're out of range.

Now who's got the bomb?

Right?

I flew a couple of
weeks after 9/11.

And, um, it was an internal
flight from New York to LA.

And we get off.
I go, right.

We're out of range.

OK.

And I'm still a bit nervous.

And, um, I said to
the air host, I said,

have you got any magazines?

And she went, quite
loud, and blase.

She went, no, honey.

We've got no magazines.

We've had to undertake
severe cutbacks

because we're one of the
company's being sued over 9/11.

One, don't mention 9/11.

Surely a new rule book round.

Don't mention 9/11 when you
hand out the chocolates.

Just, you know, two,
don't say severe cutbacks.

Cause I don't think
of magazines anymore.

When you say severe cutbacks I
think of a bloke in an aircraft

hanger earlier that
week going, do we

really need all these rivets?

So what terrible
bedside manner that is?

I mean, I take first
class flights everywhere.

You wouldn't have
it any other way.

I, I sort of do if you really.

And some of those
flights cost $10,000.

And for $10,000 in a
disaster I expect my bit

of the plain at the front to
gently break off and float

down to a desert island.

It doesn't.

I'll die with the rest
of you fucking losers.

That's not fair, is it?

I know you tried to save
me, but you couldn't.

I'll probably be the only
one mentioned on the news.

Um, you'd be 450 others.

So that's, that's
something I suppose.

Isn't it?
No.

So I'm flying all
the time, right?

And then it happened, OK?

I was flying back from New York
925 BA first class to London.

JFK.

The whole week in America
leading up to that flight

on every channel on TV there
was a rolling ticker tape

that said America on red alert.

OK?

And every bulletin
said, we have an Intel

that there's going
to be another 9/11

this weekend in New York or LA.

Do not fly unless you
absolutely have to.

I had to.
I was filming.

And if you fly,
be extra vigilant.

OK.

So I'm there.

I'm the only one in
the first class lounge.

Right?

And I'm still trying to
remain philosophical about it.

I'm thinking, right.

Today's the day you
definitely don't try

and get a bomb on the plane.
Do you know what I mean?

You think, no.
Everyone's, wait till Monday.

Right?

And I'm there and about
15 minutes before boarding

into the first class
lounge comes this guy,

I don't know
whether he was North

African or Middle Eastern,
but he had all the gear.

And beard, everything.

Steel attache case.

OK?

Here's your middle
class rational liberal.

I go.

I'm suddenly just engaging
staff in inane conversation.

I'm going, flight on time?

They're going, yeah.

I'm going, what's the
weather like in England?

And they're going, oh--
like they're going to go,

it's a bit-- there he is.

Right?

It didn't happen, right?

So now I'm stewing on
this, all the things

for the week leading up to it.

There's going to be a 9/11.
It's going to be here.

It's going to be today.

It's going to be New York.

Oh my god, right?

But now I'm in two minds as
a fight between good and evil

between rational and irrational.

OK?

So this one goes, oh,
that's a suicide bomber.

Don't be stupid.

What do you know?

That's what they look like.

Why'd you say that?

There's a picture him on every
page of "The Daily Mail."

Don't be stupid.

Cliche.

You're stupid.

Then he makes a phone call.

I can't understand
what he's saying,

but he sounds a bit angry.

Right?

This one goes, oh,
he made a phone call.

This one goes, you
just made a phone call.

Yeah, but not in foreign.

Shut up.
Stupid.

[MUMBLE] Why'd do
you think that?

Look at the beard.

He's been checked.

He's being checked
the same as us.

Do they check the beard?

Yeah, they check the beard.

They check the beard.

OK?

And then I'm sort of,
sort of going ahead,

and I'm sort of looking
at him absent mindedly

sort of staring at him.

And he catches me looking.

And he goes like this.

This one goes, oh, he knows.

This one goes, no.

He knows why you're
looking at him.

He's had that sort of prejudice,
that shit, for fucking months.

Stop looking at him.

Shut the fuck up.

Right?

But this one starts winning.

The fear starts
beating the rational.

OK?

So he's going, well,
they said it'd be today.

Yeah, I know, but well,
but the statistics.

Well, they're up
today, aren't they?

They're up.

Yeah, but-- don't give
a it won't happen to us.

They said that on 9/11.

Yeah, but what about
all the checks?

Well, they find new ways of
getting past our detectors.

Then we have to up our game.

And that's how it--

Yeah. you're right.

So suddenly, now we wong that.

And I think, oh my god.

This is it.

And you get a wave of
nausea when you suddenly go,

oh my god.

This is it.

I, I'm one of the people
that witnessed is it--

and we go, OK, yeah.

Let's report him.

This one goes, no.

We can't.

Why?

In case someone
thinks we're racist.

What?
What the-- no.

Let's report him and be
a wrong, live racist.

Let's, let's-- and so I'm there.

And I think he is
a suicide bomber.

I'm going to get on
the plane with him.

And I'm going to die.

And I have a little breakdown
and I'm nearly crying.

And all this happens
in a few moments.

And I look over, and
he's joined by his wife

who's got all the gear.

And his, and his two
little girls, right?

And I go, oh.

Of course he's not a
fucking suicide bomber.

If you're off to see
72 virgins, you don't

take the wife and kids along.

So, and I got on the plane.

And I was sort of
relieved and embarrassed.

And I saw the funny side of it.

And, and of course he
wasn't a terrorist.

He was a businessman
and a family man who's

playing with his little girls
who kept running up and down,

bumping into my chair.

He wasn't doing anything.

Um, and he was, and he was
sort of like scaring them.

And they were screaming
at the top of their voice

that after half and hour, I
was hoping someone would blow

the fucking plane up, right?

But a really weird thing
happened during that period.

I got so worried
about terrorist attack

that I started taking private
jets and helicopters everywhere

just because I was so rich.
No.

No, no because my,
again, my rationale

was, I'm the only
person on this plane

and I definitely
haven't got a bomb.

So, so we're fine.

OK?

And I was taking
a helicopter once

from Manhattan to the
Hamptons for a screening.

And I'm waiting
for the helicopter.

Rewind two days before that,
I'm in my apartment in New York,

OK, just eating my Cheerios.

There's a carton of milk there.

And in America they put missing
persons on the milk cartons.

I've seen 1,000 of them.

But this one, it was for a
child which is always sadder.

It's sad when
anyone goes missing,

but because of
her age presumably

it was an abduction as well.

And, uh, it was also a
plea from the mother.

And it was the
language she used.

It was, it was sad.

She just said
where the girl went

missing and the name of the
girl, which I won't say,

but I remember it.

Um, and she just said, five
years old, blonde hair,

blue eyes, always
happy, please help me.

Two days later I'm on
the Lower East Side.

I'm waiting for this
helicopter on a little helipad.

There's just a little sort
of like station there.

And it's like a warf
development there.

And I'm sort of looking
down onto a building,

a derelict building.

And I look down and someone
had put a, a brown blanket

up as a curtain on one
of the windows, sort

of gaffer taped it up.

And it had fallen away.

And I'm sort of looking.

And I look in, and
it's an empty room.

It's true, except a mattress.

And a little girl sat on the
mattress with her hands tied.

And my fucking heart, I
thought, five years old,

five years old, blond
hair, blonde hair,

blue eyes, blue eyes.

Always happy.

Crying her eyes out.

It couldn't been her.

I left it.

Thank you so much.

You've been fantastic.

Good night!
Cheers.

Thank you.
Thank you.

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]