All language subtitles for Ricky Gervais Out Of England - Best Stand Up Comedy Special show ( 720p, with English ) (1080p_25fps_H264-128kbit_AAC).Englisch

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127

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thank you

Chicago

thank you so much

thank you thank you

that's amazing welcome I should explain

something straight away usually when I

come out on stage it's amazing okay I'm

doing cartwheels and backflips

it's [ __ ] spectacular right I've hurt

my back that's true actually

I've pulled a muscle in my spine playing

golf I know you're thinking serves me

right for playing such a stupid games

goal but um no I've been in agony I'm

actually on painkillers right now so no

it's true if I suddenly start talking

like Paula Abdul you're know why I'm not

drunk

so when the doctor this to where the

doctor gave me the painkillers he said

now you can't drink alcohol with these

and I went I don't want them them what I

said give me some you can't drink

alcohol with anyway well you're not

gonna drink with any painkillers my

[ __ ] mother just so I've been walking

around like the Elephant Man for days

but without the big [ __ ] obviously huh I

assume he had a big elephants [ __ ] to

match the head balance out noticed any

look in the mirror and eat oh no oh look

at that [ __ ] head swings and

roundabouts celebrate the buns are on me

um so yeah that's my problems I didn't

cancel though I didn't hate that was

canceled your Turkish concert canceled

due to sore throat ah I can go on I was

depressed oh poor little artist oh can

you imagine the labourer trying that

general I've got a little tickle and I'm

fed up ah

leave the [ __ ] bricks might never

cancel I had a a gig in Dublin a couple

of months ago okay and as you know

doubling this in Ireland which is offer

yeah it's off the coast of Great Britain

it's not part of Britain but it's it's

very close it's sort of like our Cuba I

suppose

and and so okay so Dublin

Oh to arena 10,000 seats sold out when

in advance

flights but we're really looking forward

to it a few days before the gig they

start grounding the airplanes because

there's a volcanic ash cloud over

Britain okay and if you fly through it

apparently and make the plane fall out

of the sky and there's like that was it

you couldn't fly in that I mean a

volcano goes off in Iceland and we can't

but what's the point of Iceland really

just fill in all the volcanoes with

concrete okay just

in fact tarmac the whole country and

make it a carpark for real Europe

because it's a waste of [ __ ] space

okay and so I'm thinking I've gotta get

there I can't cancel and um there were

sort of pop stars and people coming over

Morgan and they were cancelling their

flight because they couldn't get in and

out I thought I can't so I hired a

helicopter to and from Dublin it cost me

twelve thousand pounds right just cuz I

couldn't bear to let anyone down or take

the ferry

they were still running sure but that

would have meant mixing with the general

public and I don't this is about as

close over so um I don't know if you're

affected by the volcanic ash cloud and

but I had friends that were stuck all

over the world and they missed weddings

and funerals and that for themselves up

in a hotel for extra days and budgeted

for and they couldn't get their money

back because the airlines are saying no

we can't pay you because the insurance

companies won't pay us because they're

saying it's an act of God

well what isn't an act of God if you

believe in God that's sort of a

definition of him isn't it but he does

everything isn't that right everything

is an act of him he's all-powerful is

everywhere at why he invented it there

was nothing before him he invented time

everything he's across it all okay he

doesn't miss a trick and he's not

absent-minded a volcano going off isn't

like you going [ __ ] let the oven on I

know these insurance companies that can

decide what is and isn't act upon how do

they know okay if they got a hotline to

God they've called him up today

ring-ring ring-ring

Yello could I speak to God please

speaking oh I didn't think you'd ask the

phone you won that volcanic ash cloud

was that you yep yes that was an active

me all right so I shouldn't pay out no

don't [ __ ] play map any Sun No

brilliant brilliant while I've got you

here did you make a tree fall on Steve

Baxter's car as a lot of Steve Baxter's

and Steve Baxter to acacia a road

Hounslow

it happened at 250 on the 3rd of June

this year to 1530 no that wasn't me I

was in Africa that they given aids to

babies

he does everything he does everything

Lou I don't make the rules well uh well

I'm glad I didn't cancel because it's

fantastically I've seen you a happy

smiley face is probably feeling very

fortunate that you managed to get a

ticket to see a living legend oh my

I know I know you love you [ __ ] you

really I'm joking of course the pleasure

is all mine thank you so much for coming

out spending your hard-earned cash I

know there's been a recession on someone

told me I'm ready it's still God I don't

it really didn't affect me if I'm being

honest we can laugh about it now no come

on I don't understand a recession it was

until last year I found out you could go

into your bank and say can I withdraw my

cash and they could go no no got it

I've got 50,000 pounds saved um where is

it lost it

have you checked the vault it's empty

what was the point of that you might as

well kept it in a drawer spot a little

[ __ ] oh I hope you enjoy the show let me

know won't you if I say something funny

you're laughs and I got all I'll keep

that in for the rest of the tour in fact

I'm it isn't funny you won't laugh and I

got I'll lose that bit so some bits

tonight will be exclusive to you they um

they will be the [ __ ] bits granted

okay let's start let's get on with it no

one wants to be here all night

um you can have too much of a good thing

ganya like heroin what

although too much heroin is death

basically that's when you know you've

had too much you got [ __ ] about you I'm

dead

that's the thing though with heroin you

know try anything once kids sure but

know this right now no do you think I

try I try your hair away I'll just try

one give me give me a heroin give me one

heroin okay just just have one Oh what's

it like always [ __ ] lovely I want

more I can't just happen it's like

Pringles it's like once you pop you

can't stop

that's I think that's how it works I'm

not an expert and believe it or not I've

never been a heroin addict um

no round of applause for that say no

never having been a heroin addict if

either come out don't go yeah I used to

be a Harry now that I used to mug people

and [ __ ] myself in doorways those things

that we never did in the first place why

are you applauding someone for suddenly

acting like a normal member of society

it's like MIT it's like I've lost a bit

of weight I've lost about 20 pounds

exactly

basically applauding me for only eating

as much as I need now I should have

always been doing that was a greedy lazy

bastard now they go oh well done you

look great look terrible they're

basically saying I look terrible they

know no one told me the time it was

really taboo I needed weight is to come

over and go [ __ ] off you bad enough

right and I've been criticized in the

past for having a go at fat people I've

never had a go at fat people I've only

ever pointed out the fact that you get

fat if you take in more calories than

you burn off that's simple science I

don't judge them in any other aspect of

their life but that's what happens you

get fat if you take in more calories

than you burn off okay and that that's

indisputable okay now the thing is

people think I'm having a go I'm not

because I don't judge them if I see a

fat person I don't make assumptions of

I'm other than how they got fat and this

is the other thing

wait wait not only is that what makes

you fat people know that's what's making

her fat no well got fat behind their own

back no one and what the [ __ ] are okay

it's not a surprise it's a gradual

process you have loads of time to back

out from this project and also no one's

sneaking into thin people's apartment

and injecting their lettuce with a

million calories that doesn't happen

okay they know what if you'd like to

blow with he's surrounded by cakes and

pies right and you go

you're nuts making you fat don't ya he

doesn't go who's all the running he

knows what it but I don't make judgments

okay other than how they got fat okay if

I see a fat person I don't go oh he's

fat therefore he's jolly right I'm not

miserable I might if I see a fat girl I

don't go I'll she'd be pretty if she

lost weight that's rarely the case

so don't fall for that okay for a lot of

them started eating because they had

fuck-all to lose so no but there's no

stigma attacks because that people don't

even want to use the word fat now

because I think it's derogatory it's a

real to boo subject we'll use euphemisms

they go oh you know Brenda the big girl

what seven foot no not what she look

like Brenda you know she she's the one

who's clammy even in winter just say

she's fat nothing wrong with it it's

their choice up to a few hundred fights

fine

you know Brenda them she's out of breath

just standing up at her desk

it is their own fault and it is their

own fault I feel sorry for them right

now I do particularly particularly fat

women because fat is a feminist issue

men get fat and we just go [ __ ] it all

bought and paid for you know we don't

come under the same constraints of

society or as women are inundated with

images of how you should be size zero

models this diet that diet look like

this keep your man and they make such an

effort don't like fat girls ever it's

got lovely hair I know that won't open

the hair don't go nobody hair what's got

lovely hair who's got those lovely folks

nails I they make an effort anything but

jogging

they love high heels okay they think it

makes her legs look less it doesn't it

just you just hear him plumbing now I

don't want to be fat people to feel

uncomfortable one of my gigs so next

time buy two seats this time Jojo I'm

not having a go I'm just pointing out

you know I was listening to the radio in

England a few weeks back radio for quite

highbrow there was a discussion about

political correctness my name came up

straight away all right and there was a

song on there going oh yeah well it's

it's not right I'm Ricky Gervais is um

he makes jokes about fat people he

wouldn't make jokes about gay people

woody and being fat is like being gay

what no it's not you can't choose your

sexuality as you establish you choose

whether to eat too much or not you know

yeah

with with with your sexuality you're

born you grow up you discover you like

same-sex relationships and that's it

you're gay okay but be gay to me the

same as being fat you'd have to be born

be straigh grow up knowing you're

straight but gradually and consciously

wean yourself onto [ __ ]

Oh happy 16th birthday son um this is

Raul suck his [ __ ] sorry father

suck his [ __ ] 16 now suck his [ __ ] I I'm

heterosexual Oh with his newfangled

words suck his [ __ ] come on I don't like

pop father doesn't like pop how do you

know if you've never tried it

ah suck his [ __ ] I've got suck a one

[ __ ] sucker that's not sucking it as

playing with you put it in your mouth

have a go you might like it

oh it's not so bad is it oh I [ __ ]

love these if that happened then being

gay would be the same as being fat but

it doesn't so it's not okay I was on a

plane last year okay going from New York

to LA okay and Mabel do remember one

side of the plane that was the aisle and

the other side there were these two huge

women okay proper proper cut the fat one

of them just got on and when can I have

about extension yeah cool she can you've

earned it right

proper in fact I was thinking of calling

the pile out should one of us swap with

one of them otherwise we just go into

Canada do not I mean words and one of

them was even fatter than the other one

okay and she was gay and she got on the

plane with one of those takeaway buckets

of fast food bucket I mean there's your

first clue we did not happen when did

fat people just give up when did they go

into a shop and go I'll [ __ ] it just

treat me like a farmyard animal really

give me in a bucket in fact just strap

it to my [ __ ] head and I'll do it

really you want your mail in a bucket

yes but so she's there and she's chowing

down right I swear she turns to her fat

friend and says this is the best fried

chicken I've had all day

[Applause]

but I'm not having a go I'm not gonna go

no I'm not no I'm not because even

though it is their own fault and it is

their own fault I don't know if you know

this about fat people um

they [ __ ] love cake I blame the food

industries because you going to

supermarket and it's just packed with

that stuff everything's packed with

hydrogenated fats and extra calories and

sugar and butter and everything and they

love that okay

and it's always a big doors now to a

supermarket it's awesome

they've got quadruple tour isn't it no

one's ever been to fights it gets with

the door of a supermarket okay and it

opens automatically so that after waste

calories pushing anything there's just

and it's a pigeon's or mac whose use

these glass they can see the pie from

down the road now in like that grazing

right so I say keep the big door keep

the big door sure

keep the door come on slap people come

in they go but when they get in there

it's all fresh fruit invent it's all

whole-grain it's all stuff that's good

fear okay

go stare be confused at first I hope

that's not real food to them I think

Brussels sprouts is packaging right

there

but looking at where's the coats was the

cakes the cakes are over here

but the cakes are through a different

door but this door is human-sized so now

they go there's the cakes is a banana

that's for nothing so they can slip

through the door and have a cake they

can't go again but we've got to do

something we've got Oh intervene and

people say no it's not a deal with you

it's epidemics their body it's their

life and that's true but we don't say

that about wearing plush shallots or if

you've got a heroin addict for the

family you don't go oh it's his life you

love zeroing you know stop this you

could please don't die and you get em in

you throw him in a cupboard for three

weeks or something oh you can't throw a

fat person the coverage of your backing

like me but you know heroin addicts

aren't wireless that you can throw them

around willy-nilly right well when

they're lying there with a need one you

just get the needle and flick and they

just go into the cupboard like that okay

I'm moving in and it'll try the

chocolates and they just follow that

anywhere but we've got to do something

because a third of the world or obese

and a third of the world are starving

the fat ones are eating the skinny ones

food basically

I know most the skinny ones were in

Africa so out of sight our mind I know

but no no I could talk about Africa like

that because I'm from Britain and we

used to own it we did we'll be at the

Empire and we ruled the world before you

took over we used to but then in the

fifties or sixties Africa wanted to be

south ruled they wanted independence and

they said look we'd like to run

ourselves it went fine so gradually we

started giving Africa back to the

Africans and by the seven is it was

totally run by the you know Africans

themselves and course in the eighties we

get a phone call hello hello is that

Africa what do you want we're starving

you should have thought of that before

you wanted independence well we didn't

know there'd be a drought did we drought

I'll give you a drought this is true

when I was a kid I was about ten we had

a really long hot summer okay and there

was a hosepipe ban you couldn't water

your flowers we've all suffered

so that's true actually one long hot

summer and the water ran out and we

didn't know what to do we thought what

could we do and there was people coming

around your house trying to tell you how

to conserve what I was saying things

like when you brush your teeth don't let

the tap just run you know put a little

plaster and they came and they were

putting house bricks in the cistern of

the toilet to save war and there was

Public Information films on the

television

there was one advert that was like it

was like an animation and it was like a

couple in the bath and it said conserve

water take a bath with a friend which I

did I say a friend he was more friend of

a granddad's but temporals is a lot to a

kid in England and

whoa

they taught me a lot they told me a lot

stuff like you know wash it like that

give it here now is it was a sweet old

man I used to call him granddad Charlie

he wasn't my real granddad he's just an

old bloke that lived across the road

used to come round whenever he saw my

parents go out right we've got my mum

and dad out yeah oh it was here magic

trick yeah he draw the curtains I'm done

it might leave close my eyes okay and he

sit down he put a top hat on his lap

like that right a magic hat right and he

goes oh I just it doesn't feel the magic

rabbit and I still go up now huh I used

to go in I used to feel a little but

weird little thing it was didn't have

any fur or is it used to go and it was

skied stiff it was it was I stroked it

so fast once that it was sick all down

my where was I oh yes farming farming is

a problem

which brings me to this next fad that we

need to stamp out this happened

Christmas before last exchanging gifts

without friends good friends I'm quite

well-off friends from being honest and I

got them a coffee making machine from

Harrods top of the range they loved it

they gave me my present was just an

envelope I thought oh what's this

bouncers over now it wasn't vouchers and

it was just a pod with a picture of a go

on it I said what's this they went all

our people to you is we gave a go to an

African family

I'm looking at the coffee machine thing

is it too late to take that back is it -

oh um we we gave the go to an African

family did you oh so I've got fuck-all

then basically I mean I don't even know

this African family why did I give them

a go it doesn't matter this serves no

purpose at all no but this is no good

for anyone they're 50 quid down I've got

nothing the African farm is going not

another mouth to feed the goat is going

we always gambling round the Cotswolds

that was there was grass and there's no

way that wanted to go to Africa it was

basically that was kidnapped

it was abducted it was put in a sack and

found it on a boat trafficking like

roots in the furnace there is no there's

no way they went you wanted Africa it

went definitely not no no oh come on why

don't you wanna go to Africa come on why

didn't you wanna go to Africa well that

shouldn't affect you it shouldn't

so just be careful with that charity

[ __ ] particularly at Christmas that's

when they get ya they give your guilt

trip at Christmas all the adverts have a

charity at Christmas just sitting home

on yeah having your Christmas lunch

loves our food too much food probably

don't throw a lot of it away right and

things like this come on the telly this

runs every christmas day in england it

goes is there an old lady near you cold

and lonely this christmas yeah [ __ ]

hater nosy [ __ ] winds me up all year

round okay I can't wait for the cold

weather there's no old lady near me she

died last year of hypothermia so

resolved yeah brilliant

um another big one is a doggies for life

not just for Christmas right behind that

I'm really into animal welfare and

that's obviously aimed at parents whose

kids go can I have a copy can I have a

puppy and I don't know can I have a

puppy can over off and I get them a

puppy to shut them up right and the kid

likes it when it's cute it grows up he

gets other interest gets ball with the

dog they lumber the parents with it the

parents get bored with it they abandon

it in England last year which is

terrible and I think you know kids

should have pets I think it teaches them

life lessons I haven't got kids of my

own but loads and Lisa nephews and

they've got kids their own now and I

want to be a cool uncle and give them

what they want but I want to be a

responsible one too and not a stray

problem but I think I've solved the

dilemma is it tit this is what I do

anyway you got away to a Christmas Eve

and always go to an animal rescue centre

not a breeder and I'd go along to and

almost resent her Christmas Eve and I go

to the veterinary part and run they've

usually got my cat run it's been born

sort of disabled with no quality of life

and they're just putting that out of its

misery

but I don't go no don't kill that one

I'll take that one and I go it's only

gonna live a day

so so and I'm run over go don't die yet

don't die yet call my name she comes

running Uncle Ricky got your puppy who

don't be a puppy yeah your best uncle

bought your puppy

yeah go climb it quick go play with it

and she tags it to bed with her

Christmas Amy when she sleeps heard she

wakes up Christmas Day is dead cold

stiff gone so bizarre not a problem

and they always come down the next day

okay well my puppy's dead I got all what

the puppy your uncle got you into this

bit and whatever happened after that

isn't this problem I go yeah I go oh

maybe you rolled over in the night no

you didn't kill your puppy Jesus killed

your puppy on his birthday cuz you

didn't spend enough on your uncle's

Christmas present

I usually but though ideas up the next

year the other big campaign a Christmas

don't drink and drive right behind that

as well a lot more stigma attached to

that these days when I was growing up it

was whether you've got away with it or

not the people now know it's or it's it

wrecks lives I'd be getting in the car

when I was a kid with grown ups family I

have a go no you can't you can't drive

if you got too much to drink and I go so

I won't get caught and then and but now

that people know that's that's what I've

done it once and I'm not proud of it I'm

[ __ ] ashamed of it and that was

Christmas I wasn't drunk I was over the

limit

and I took the car out and I knew I

shouldn't I knew I shouldn't be driving

but I learned my lesson because I nearly

killed an old woman and no in the end I

didn't kill her in the end I just raped

her as I say nothing came of it luckily

for me a thousand to one shots you have

Alzheimer's so um

not a credible witness um spiders Oh

spiders they're always ready aren't they

who's ready for they're always ready for

action a spider it's always completely

[ __ ] ready for action like that

always ready for action always I mean

some animals are sometimes ready you

start on a car and it go boom for a few

seconds and it goes back to chill with

most the time a cat it's just laying on

the floor in it just on this side all

four limbs just stretched out in one

direction you will never see a spider

like that you will never see a spider

just lying on the carpet

all right it's head down and all light

legs just stretched out they're always

ready okay and it was ready in every

direction like the [ __ ] matrix like

that they don't have to turn they've got

ten eyes eight legs and ten eyes it's

over the top okay

and they're even ready where you don't

think they're ready you can see an empty

web okay and you go

that's fire doesn't already know touch

the web well touch the web and it's

there

I [ __ ] hate them

37,000 different species of spider

37,000 different species of spider I

mean millions and billions of

individuals in each species and that's

just one class arachnid of one phylum

Arthropoda there could be five million

species of animal alive now on the earth

best guess okay and that's one percent

of all animal species that have ever

existed ninety-nine percent of all

animal species that ever existed are now

extinct and that remaining one percent

is 5 million strong take one of those

species termites if we were to weigh

every termite alive now it would be ten

times the tonnage of every human being

on earth and it statistics like that

that make me think that this book isn't

totally accurate

[Applause]

it's the book of Noah the children's

edition and I actually got this awarded

to me when I used to go to Sunday school

every week I believed in all this till I

was eight it's an ADD miss Sunday school

presented to Ricky Gervais is are I

double K I got a [ __ ] mongoose

for regular attendance not even being

good anything just for turning up right

he's always there give him a prize every

bad let's have a look at the evidence

long long ago when God first made the

earth I let both those points go he only

got time right long long ago by the way

according to the Bible was five thousand

years according to the Old Testament the

earth is no older than five thousand

years old okay it's actually 4.6 billion

years old let's pop down popper 4.6

billion years ago when God first made

the earth and sky I don't bigger up it's

like it comes as a package really

doesn't that mean

Jemaine the sky was never an optional

extra it's like it made your planet I

can't breathe would you like an outlets

because I [ __ ] would so well done

everything was peaceful everything

beautiful God made human beings too and

he wanted them to be good like himself

arrogant but very soon they wanted their

own way they would not listen to God

they became wicked and did wicked things

look I'm doing wicked things there you

don't get much more wicked than that

there [ __ ] off [ __ ] off with it

[ __ ] off wicked God just looking on Oh

carry on see what happens see one please

don't see weapons blown off with a big

bag of money don't put it in a bank you

can buy God looked at them and said to

himself

they are so wicked I would have to wipe

them off the face of the earth really

really straight to genocide

what happened to one verbal and two

written warnings straight to the

annihilation of the entire human race

because of fatty yellow trousers pick

someone's nose I read that to karl

Pilkington right yes yes [ __ ] orange

I know yeah and I read that bit to him

they are so wicked I lost face the end

and karl said he sounds gay I said what

you mean he went some gays are a bit

like that he thought God was like having

a hissy fit I said Karl God is not gay

ok read the Bible he hates them

they are so wicked I don't have to wipe

them off the face at the earth and every

living thing we clone what's the squeeze

ever done but he's not guy God is not

gay but there was one man who was still

very good his name was Noah he was a

friend of God just a friend

so don't know just a friend a friend

with big hoop earrings

[Applause]

Rouge what what she do

he lives in a Caillou what's he doing

with this what what you doing seeing God

you never know

handlebar moustache

holding God's hand who's wearing a

blouse God is not gay God said to Noah

I am so angry with men

[Applause]

you mean men and women whatever I'm so

angry with men that have made my mind up

to destroy them all I have stretched my

bow in the sky is a rainbow that's got

me in the world's first pawn hasn't it

it will make so much rain fall down on

earth so everything will be drowned but

not you Oh it'll build an ark you must

be like a big boat with three decks and

a roof over it yeah I know how to build

a boat mate and you will make a door in

the side of it do you think complete

idiot I don't know I did exactly what

God told him and then God said to Noah

now okay okay now this is aimed at

children of medli but it's taken from

the Old Testament story in the Bible but

I don't think the author of this book is

a zoologist as we've said there could be

five million species of animal I don't

think he knows them all the way backs

out very quickly in this next sentence

okay I want you to take two of every

kind of animal with you into the ark two

lions two tigers two elephants so on

what about lions tigers elephants so on

on you go

look after them well and keep them alive

and now I did what God said now I wanted

to study that scenario

okay so God is angry with mankind he's

fed up than their wicked but it's gonna

wipe him out and just start again with

no and his wife he's aimed with the

animals too for some reason I don't know

so he's gonna start again with just two

of each species cause a flood they build

not know goes right chew every spoon to

just do it quick first - there's a

stampede two elephants two chickens just

walking

it's no rush just rolling baby I think

this one is a bit more concerned than

this one this one's probably going

should we fly

no no don't you do this all night

[Applause]

sure yeah I mean we we've got wings

you've got feet as well why don't you

want to push in the elephants looking at

me funny

yeah my [ __ ] hammer if you try to

push it I'm gonna stamp on you you you

big nose [ __ ] hold on there were you

called it big boners

would you mean no just pot calling

kettle black

what the [ __ ] does that mean what is pot

we know for pots but I'll forget it I

can't forget I'm a better phone

[Applause]

two camels two lions two ostriches two

leopards two tigers two zebra ah here's

the crux of my point just one species on

the ark of the moment he drops they've

got their first longer legs okay five

million more species to to get on that

so sure of it so to two animals on the

ark 11 10 million more animals to go 10

million more of those okay 10 million

okay as far as 10 million of them to get

on there just to on there at the moment

look how much room there already taken

up it's a third capacity

what's it going to be like on there when

these two fat pants get on it then God

better buy of his anger in the rain came

flooding down covering the earth with

water it rained for 40 days and nights

the flood water rose higher and higher

until it covered the tops of the highest

mountains every living thing was drowned

except Noah and the animals in the ark

and the fish they were fine fine they

would loving it

they were better off in fact all the sea

creatures I mean mountains underwater

their domain had increased like tenfold

also so much more interesting you got

crabs going I think of that when you see

on the news like if there's a little

village in Gloucester I did or something

it's really sad you see people they've

lost their homes and they're in dinghies

and they're carrying their pets and you

see a little row of antique shops

complete the end of

to be the winner of our teacher the

first time

[Music]

philosophy at all

[Music]

over the width of the arc of the bow the

war seems to be going down the house

[Music]

come on again

[Music]

they celebrate now listen kite flying

no wait a week

[Music]

got something going all the right

[Music]

[Music]

oh I forgot to thank you beside me I

never said

- Frenchie with you I would never get to

the floods destroyed

right Bo what's up with the sky

that's total peace we assigned a

fraction

[Music]

it'll be a sign of my fake job

my son Jesus when they prove my

you'll see

[Music]

and says when you have done wrong you're

feeling very solemn I think of the

rainbow and the peace which God has

promised to be your friend promised to

be his and that's just one of trial in

the dub boxes I've only got one number

nine now I think my favorite would be

number eight just from the title Jesus

and the [ __ ] thank you Cheers

I am

I read that whole book to Carl and he

believed it all why wouldn't he it's

written down and um I said Carl think

how could I get 10 million animals on a

boat

Carl when I said it was a big boat yet

they did that's true I said but they're

all part of the food chain they would

have literally had to have eaten each

other to survive

why didn't lion eat the antelope why did

the spider eat the fly and Carl said

because in a crisis you all pull

together amazing I'd love to do a book

of his quotes I love books of quotations

I love just reading them for pleasure

I've got a few of these compilations and

then one of my heroes is Winston

Churchill and when I read give us the

tools and we will finish the job I

thought how inspiring and when I read

never in the field of human conflict so

much owed by so many to so few I thought

how patriotic and when I read it has a

good thing for an uneducated man to read

books of quotations

I thought you cheeky fat git people

always say to me that Oscar Wilde is the

greatest genius that's ever lived let's

have a look at the evidence okay here's

one of his all women become like their

mothers that is their tragedy no man

does that is his that sounds a bit gay

to me there's another one I couldn't

help it I can resist everything except

temptation sounds gay as well I want to

I want to go oh good now pitch you're

not I mean I want to end it with I can

resist everything except temptation

chance to be a fun thing and when he

went through customs in New York all

those years ago and the customs officer

just doing his job

sent have your own things declare Oscar

Wilde famously said nothing but my

genius wasn't witty I bet he planned

that I bet the first time we went

through customs in the foreign country

was all yes sir no sir and leave declare

no thanks on you go I'm always doing

that excuse me can I go back to it now

oh yeah it's wait weeks in those days

back on the boat to England just think

that right they say that again and then

declare nothing what would genius happen

in a boat a Shinzo it gets there okay

weeks later finds the same bloke goes up

to him there's an ego didn't even

[ __ ] ask me that

excuse me I didn't ask me violent random

[ __ ] random right back on the boat

three weeks later okay

gets there at this time finds the same

bloke this time he starting looking

shifty so he gets picked out

did you buy anything that's not the

question

saving lives declare okay have you

anything to declare nothing but my

genius who's the but folks I'm I'm

incarcerated in red in jail for

homosexuality we've come a long way from

being punishable to total equality as it

should be of course and England the

gauge of consent same as heterosexuality

now 16 and even gay marriage although

ironically the one place that was really

ahead of the game fell behind a little

at the last election California they had

a referendum they put it to the vote and

they voted no to gay marriage I mean in

California there's people going that's

why we moved here

I mean it's a strange sort of bigotry

that you can affect someone else's

lifestyle that doesn't affect you back

it's not that they asked a bloke once

said sorry um do you mind if these two

men get married they went no fine okay

Jack I'm off then it's also a strange

sort of bigotry because these people

that object that presumably the same

people that said you know gay people

were immoral and promiscuous and now

they don't have to be monogamous and

respectful in the eyes of God and must

be so confused it to a gay guy in

California thinking that's the bit they

don't like with all the other [ __ ] we

get up to it's the marriage bit let miss

so confuse they must go to judges and go

so can I get the rules straight what you

want to know I just didn't know what we

can and can't do

ask away go to marry a man no go [ __ ]

the ass I give him a little reach-around

please

Oh Mario but in the little can I pick up

a stranger in the bushes and take him

home and is a mammoth Roma in the

morning all crusty and homeless no no

and don't ask again

come on line up 15 men I'm just riffing

here and just jack him off for a laugh

be difficult wouldn't it

jacket off 50 minute one it'll be like

plate-spinning because you know you

could either two at once really so you

have these two ready to blow but then

they'd be losing your clothes

[Applause]

and in that going jacket off 15-minute

ones never thought I'd say that ah again

oh there's these people that say being

gay isn't natural well it is natural and

I've got a book to prove it

homosexuality occurs in about the same

incidence in the animal kingdom as it

does in human society this is a real

book it's called biological exuberance

animal homosexuality and natural

diversity by Bruce bugger mill okay the

evidence is compelling and it seems

there is virtually no species which does

not have its gay community that doesn't

mean like chimps on one particular

street wearing leather caps and start

this they sort of spread it out more

really this is a real book and we have

the first slide please

right okay right

this is a real book okay

right absolutely real okay two-mile

Stumptown macaques in mutual fellatio

they're sharing their sharing the road

next slide okay

a male squirrel monkey right performing

a general display toward another male uh

he's just going what do you think of

that and this one's going what

okay is it land

why cuz we're gay I'm not you [ __ ] on

nevermind he's holding him and he's got

his leg up for extra purchase can you

imagine my face when I discovered this

park

[Music]

next slide please

ah okay a female Olympic marmots

mounting another female now I don't know

what is in that pride of them unless the

one on top is wearing a strap-on dildo

one more one more slide oh this is a

doozy okay two forms of copulation

between male dolphins genital slit or

anal penetration above and below

blowhole penetration oh yeah oh yeah

[Applause]

basically Hey

is [ __ ] him

he's [ __ ] in their head like I've

never seen that on any wildlife

documentary I've never why I never seen

that before why are they doing that

maybe it's not in the wild maybe it's in

SeaWorld which is like their prison and

they're going they're going [ __ ] sake

they've put in two miles I think some

people think we're fish we might as well

[ __ ] do it okay I mean look at his

face

it's going Dave what good could be could

we not do it up the ass like them

no it's in the head or nothing

Dave what

[Music]

what Dave Dave

I love you but I can't [ __ ] breathe

[Applause]

that is a real book that is a real book

I love the fact that he found like a

turkey in drag

to show how guy animals can be the

gayest animal in the world oh yeah I

hope I haven't offended anyone with any

of the subject now I do I do

that's not the point I don't try and

offend if I have offended anyone and I'm

sure I have I don't apologize no I think

you should you have to be able to

justify everything you do and I just

think that a comedian should take you to

kibou place you haven't been before

otherwise you could do it yourself

there's enough anodyne comedy out there

just doing things obvious stuff that you

know doesn't make it you know any any

difference at all and there's this spate

of comedian saying sorry when they go

too far I'd still you know you should

they go oh sorry I didn't mean it well

you should have known better then it's

there's also a witch-hunt at the moment

with people saying oh is there anything

you shouldn't make a joke about no

there's nothing you shouldn't joke about

it depends what the joke is

comedy comes from a good or a bad place

and it's for you to decide what what

that is and I think that there's a big

debate oh that's sick joke Sophia

comedian sick jokes no the thing about

sick jokes when we tell a sick joke it's

with the express understanding that

neither part is really like that I

wouldn't heal a sick joke to a known

pedophile

I wouldn't go yeah my you're gonna

[ __ ] love this more than anyone's son

and I've never been in trouble for

anything I've said in my professional

career because I used to apologize what

can I do

do you know growing up you know you try

try things out and you get taken the

wrong way a little bit not like the

dolphin I mean you know when I was about

23 24 um me my girlfriend met up with

this other couple they'd moved down from

the north of England to London needs to

come into play so I used to work and we

had a couple of drinks with him they

were cool people and they're fun and

then after we cut the time they invited

us to apply at their house and we went

along one it was a dinner party was they

haven't warned us about um but - it was

for their family that had come down from

the north to see how they were getting

on and it was both gets their parents

and grandparents and great uncle's

average age about 85 I think we were an

afterthought we thought oh god we don't

know in our age oh that Ricky and Jane

know so we went along and we were still

getting to know them so we just spoke to

them all night we didn't really mingle

with it with the older people and then

as I said we use comedy as a sword and a

shield and a medicine but usually as

they're getting to know you okay we use

comedy to break the ice

are you like-minded what can you take

what do you like and I've always sort of

pushed the boundaries a little bit to

tie my people laugh at things I didn't

think they could but you know you know

everything turns out okay I suppose and

I started off lightly I told this joke

why did the little girl fall off the

swing because she had no arms

yeah sweet

and they laughed a little bit louder

than that there's only two of them so

thanks right no so I thought okay they

get it though that's and so you up the

ante a little bit oh that you push and I

told this joke

oh I need a drink start the car

seriously

I told this joke made sure the old

people could near okay father sitting at

home just reading the newspaper this

little girl comes running in she's only

six hello darling hello daddy

you've been playing yeah in the park

yeah with your friends well until the

man came along till the man came along

yeah man came along and he asked my

friends to leave so it's just me and him

darling cousin whatever happened none of

it was your fault okay darling none of

it was your fault but tell daddy every

detail what happened

he took me behind a tree so I could see

what you're doing

I've got darling and then what happened

um he took my dress off Oh God what

happened um he took his thing out Oh God

darling in there what happened nothing

what was it we'll make something up

[Applause]

don't tell anyone that I wanted to be a

surprise

so I told that joke carried on getting a

bit drunk or telling jokes whoa

eventually we sat down for the meal

about quarter 10 they put two tables

together and the hosts at either end and

they put me in the middle opposite this

very sweet we're very deaf

so 80 year old man so conversation was a

bit stilted and after about 20 minutes

Ian one of the hosts pipes ever says Oh

Ricky tell that joke what all the Oh

people went oh we love jokes do you look

any won't be fine

when okay and you get on with this

conversation and so all like that I went

oh

Barbossa arena fight little girl comes

running told the whole joke got to the

bit will make something up they went

silence I look to eat anyway thank you

so much you've been fantastic good night

fantastic

thank you so much I [ __ ] love Chicago

is the best time thank you thank you so

I tell I'd risk coming again through

volcanic ash clouds anything to go it's

Fanta terrorist attack I've actually

always been a nervous flier to be honest

and I flew a few weeks after 9/11 and um

and after 9/11 the world went a little

bit crazy

you know understandably the rules change

and there was a lot of anger and fear

and confusion and finger-pointing and

then I'd always consider myself quite a

rational liberal sort of guy and I try

to remain that way after 9/11 and even

in like in the pub with mates

I'd be the ones going no you can't say

that now that's a generalization that's

that's what they kiss no that's that's

unfair you can't tie over the same bus

no it's still the safest form of

transport is 16 million to one the

chance of uh you know trying to be

rational that's in a pub when I'm flying

it's more like check him again can we

check him again he's getting on this but

do you mind if I check him can I just

could I just

and after 9/11 with all the checks I

thought tried to remain sort of rational

philosophic I was thinking right it's

it's harder now than it ever was to get

a bomb on the plane this is you know

it's it's the restrictions are tight

it's safe for now and then I found out

that a terrorist doesn't have to get on

the plane now at the bomb they found

heat-seeking missiles and they could

just Park up in some sort lay by and

take the plane out with the first ten

minutes of takeoff so now I'd be on the

plane going right we're out of range

who's got the bomb right and as I saw I

flew a couple of weeks after 9/11

internal flight and we're up in the air

I've done the thing right we're out of

range right okay huh a little bit

nervous and I said the air hostess I

said have you got any magazines think of

this she said quite now quite blase she

said no honey

we've got no magazines we've had to

undertake severe cutbacks because we're

one of the companies being sued over

9/11 one they mention not 11

surely a new rule but went round don't

mention 911 when you're handing out the

coffee just you know I mean - don't say

severe cutbacks severe cutbacks if

someone says that I don't think of

magazines anymore I think of a bloke an

aircraft hanger early that week going do

we really need all these rivets

it's just what terrible bedside manner I

mean I take first-class flights

everywhere I know you wouldn't have any

other way I'd do it for you really some

of the flights I take cost 10,000 Poon's

okay and for 10,000 pounds any disaster

I expect the front end of my plane that

I'm in to gently break off and float

down to a desert island it doesn't are

the best - you [ __ ] losers that's not

fair is it

but you couldn't we just feel the news

I'd probably only one get name-checked

on the news you'd be turning three

others but I was his son consolation but

anyway so okay once I was flying back

from New York okay 925 a Saturday night

JFK to London Heathrow be a first-class

okay now this is my point it's fear that

threatens rational thought I think okay

I'm there now the whole week leading up

to that flight either if you remember it

always happened more than once I don't

know it was a couple years ago on every

news channel in America there was a

rolling ticker tape that said America on

red alert we've had Intel there's gonna

be another 9/11 in a major city probably

New York or LA okay

this weekend do not fly unless you

absolutely had to write I had to I was

filming and

but so I'm the only one in the

first-class lounge okay

and I still tried to remain rationale

sticking no it's safe for now everyone's

looking for a terrace today they leave

it till Monday right

and then it happened

the thing they threatened my rational

thought a bit of a mini breakdown into

the first-class lounge about 30 minutes

before boarding came this guy I don't

know where there was North African or

Middle Eastern or Asian

we had all the gear all right bid steer

the tosh.o case okay and here's your

middle-class sort of liberal I went

[Music]

I was suddenly engaging staff in sort of

banal conversation flight on time they

go yeah what's the weather like in

London like they were gonna go it's a

bit cloudy but there is right didn't

happen so I'm left there right and I'm

looking over him I'm thinking of all the

running up to it and the week I got the

news nothing but now there's a fight

between good and evil between rational

and irrational okay

this one goes oh very stupid of course

isn't it is how'd you know that's what

he look like

Wow beard day me stupid right then he

makes a phone call and I couldn't

understand what he was saying but it

sounded a bit angry okay this one goes

oh we made a phone call right no you

just made a phone call yeah but not in

foreign a sharp

he's been checked all the rest of us

have been checked did I check the beard

yeah they checked the beard yeah and

then I'm looking at him must have in

absent-minded with all this going on in

my head and he catches me looking and he

does this

because we know he knows why you're

looking at me said that's all prejudice

for months now stop looking at him yeah

right but this one starts winning the

fear starts beating all the rational

thought with all that's going no but it

could be well yeah it could be probably

not well know the stats are up today

yeah but still don't say what happen to

us people don't live in said it wouldn't

Apple to them yeah but all the tests

yeah where they find new ways of getting

through either text and then we have to

have a game here you're right and

suddenly I thought oh my god this is it

this is it and wave of nausea and you

suddenly realize oh my god I'm

witnessing this

this one goes okay right let's report

him

this one goes no why in case someone

thinks we're racist let's let's report

him and be a wrong embarrassed live

racist just think ice know so I don't

and so now I think he is a suicide

bomber and I think I'm gonna get on the

plane and die but I'm not gonna do

anything about it and I'm nearly in

tears and all this happens in a few

moments and I look over and he's joined

by his wife who's got all the gear and

it's two little girls okay and I

suddenly go ahh cause he's not [ __ ]

suicide bomber if you're off to see 72

virgins you don't take the wife and kids

along

no okay and I got on the plane of course

he wasn't a terrorist that was sort of a

bit embarrassed and I saw the funny side

of it I was relieved nothing and then it

was a businessman and a family man he

was playing with his eternal girls I

kept running up and down and banging

into my chair he was doing anything

about that at all okay think about that

all okay and he was sort of chased him

and I was squealing really I've been

going through after half an hour I was

hoping some would blow the [ __ ] plane

up but a really weird thing happened

during that period I got so paranoid

about terrorist attack that I started

taking private jets and helicopters

everywhere

just because I was so rich no no okay

my philosophy was I'm the only person on

this plane and I definitely haven't got

a bomb so we're all right you know and I

was taking a helicopter one day and I

was waiting on the helipad okay rewind

two days before that I'm at home I have

a material materials and there's a

carton of milk there with the missing

person things on the back and I've seen

a thousand of them okay

it's so much slightly different because

it was a missing child which is always

sad oh well no it's sad when anyone goes

missing but presumably aids this was an

abduction and you know um it was also

the language it was a plea from the

mother and it was the wording she just

said the name of the little girl which I

would say I remember it and the day and

place where she was last seen and she

just said five years old blond hair blue

eyes always happy please help me

and it must have stayed with me two days

later I'm there like a wolf development

waking way after this helicopter and I'm

looking down on to sort of some disused

so a warehouse space you know look in

one right and someone had put up a brown

blanket with this duct tape okay there's

like a curtain and it had fallen away

and I can see in this is true story it's

an empty room apart from a mattress and

on the mattress is a little girl with a

hands tied and my [ __ ] heart five

years old

five years old blond hair blond hair

blue

blue eyes always happy crying her eyes

out

it it couldn't have been oh I left it

thanks very much to be an amazing good

night so far about Cheers

get out thank you

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