All language subtitles for Married.with.children.S09E19.DVDRip.SAiNTS.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO (1)

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Previously on Married with Children:

The family who never feeds me
went on vacation.

Oh, it's not so bad.

No, it's like 20,000 Leagues
Under the Sea.

Except I'm married
to the giant squid.

Exacerbating the situation
was the fact that by day...

...the cruise was geared
towards women who ate like mastiffs.

But by night...

...Al was happy
for a brief moment until--

I can't go out in public like this.

It's all right. No, you can't, sweetheart.
I know you can't--

- Come on, Jefferson.
- You can't go either.

Why? My hair don't look like crap!

And if that shipwreck wasn't enough,
get a load of this one.

- Oh, my God, we're really sinking?
- Oh, come on.

If we were sinking, you think
I could look in this porthole and see...

...fish!

And now back
to Buck, King of All Dogs.

Also known to humans
as Married With Children.

Did I thank you for inviting me
on this cruise, Peg?

Well, as a matter of fact,
you haven't.

Then maybe a simple stake
through the heart would suffice.

All right, look,
this is no time to turn on each other.

We're alone
in the middle of the ocean.

It's a perfect time
to turn on each other.

Why don't you look
on the bright side.

It's a balmy summer day,
we're on vacation.

Well, now we know
who we're going to eat first.

Dibs on the thighs.

Look, you cookie-aisle of a woman.

If you hadn't gnawed
through 12 inches of bulkhead...

...to inhale some jerk chicken,
none of us would be here.

So if anyone's gonna feed
on my husband's dead thighs...

...it's gonna be me.

Thanks, gumdrop.

I can't stand this
for one minute more.

Oh, come on, Al.
It's a perfectly calm sea.

It's not the sea, Peg. It's...

...Gilbert Gottfried.

So I'm on a cruise.
My agent says to me:

"Go on a cruise.
You don't have to follow Sinbad.

And you don't have to follow
Carrot Top.

And you get to eat with the captain."

So am I eating with the captain?
Am I eating?

Am I even on a cruise anymore?
Somebody get my agent!

Somebody get my spear gun.

- I think he's funny.
- Make it two spear guns.

- So, what do we do now?
- We bob around in the sea...

...until the sun bakes us
like cookies.

Cookies?

Quiet, sea hags.

Now, first thing we have to do
is pick a leader.

Who knows the most about the sea?

David Hasselhoff.

Okay, Gilbert's disqualified.

- Anyone else?
- Oh, what difference does it make?

We're just gonna wind up with sea gulls
pecking out our salt-encrusted eyes.

Thank you, Kathy Lee Gifford.

Well, you know, Al really doesn't know
much about the sea.

- So I think we're gonna have to--
- Excuse me, Loch Ness Hairdo.

I know two things about the sea.

Number one, when you flush,
it ends up here.

And two, I watched all 3000 episodes
of Gilligan's Island.

- How do you find the time?
- I don't have sex with you.

All right, then it's decided.
Al's captain.

Well, captain, now what?

Well, as my first official act, I'm
declaring my marriage null and void.

And secondly, I think
we should strike out for land.

Which way is land?

I think it's back there...

Good. Then we're on our way.

Look, this is useless, Al couldn't find
land if he was skydiving.

We're in the hands
of a blithering idiot.

That's Captain Blithering.

Look, perhaps a brief comic interlude
will help lighten the moment.

I hope you can hear my jokes
over the rumbling in my stomach.

Is this thing on?

Right before we went down, I took
a bunch of serving trays as props.

Oh, much better than taking food.

Why couldn't have Gallagher
been the entertainer?

I mean, at least then
we could have had watermelon.

Yeah, like we'd have gotten any.

Well, anyway, Mickey Mouse on acid.

I'm freaking out. Somebody help me.

I'm having a bad trip.

A midget putting a dime
in a payphone.

Clark Gable.

Vincent van Gogh.

Peg, you wanna give this one tug?

Ironside.

No, no. No, Bugs,
don't go into that deserted mine.

Yosemite Sam
just threw dynamite in there.

Oh, God, I hope this is rerun.

God, I hope you marry
someone with money.

Now move over,
I wanna watch the news.

And in close-to-show-biz news,
radio personality...

...and ex-pimple cream spokesman
Wolfman Jack...

...was found bound and gagged
in a dumpster...

...behind Planet Hollywood
last night.

Police found several clues, but instead
opted to go inside where it was warm.

That's the last time
I let you hit someone with a shovel.

In another late-breaking story,
the luxury cruise liner, Sea Dodge...

...went down last night in calm waters
somewhere in the Caribbean.

Kelly, that's the ship
Mom and Dad are on.

The passengers have been
accounted for except one lifeboat...

...purportedly carrying comedian
Gilbert Gottfried...

...and some other people, including
a woman with really silly red hair.

Oh, my God, Gilbert Gottfried
and one of the Judds are lost at sea.

It's not one of the Judds,
you Zagnut.

Kelly, do you know what this means?

Mom and Dad.
Oh, my God, what are we gonna do?

How are we gonna eat?
How are we gonna pay the mortgage?

Our lives are gonna be...

...exactly the same.

We can't just sit here. We gotta get
to the Caribbean somehow.

Okay.

Don't forget to leave
some food for the dog.

- How long are we gonna be gone?
- I don't know. Maybe weeks.

Yo, dog here. Yo.

I'm from the Chicago Examiner.

Are you the people
whose parents are lost at sea...

...with the voice of lago, the parrot,
Gilbert Gottfried?

- Yeah.
- Soup's on.

- Let's go.
- Come on. Get in there.

- Wait a minute.
- Don't miss that beat. Get around here.

- Let's go.
- What's going on here?

You. We're here to bring the country
live minute-by-minute coverage...

...of your anguish
at the loss of Gilbert Gottfried.

And your parents.

They might still be alive.

Yeah. And Hoffa's eating at Denny's.

Now, wait a second now.

You people can't just barge in here
and invade our privacy.

Kelly, show these people out.

We'll pay you a million dollars
for your exclusive story.

Kelly, get these people a Snapple.

It has been 24 hours. I'm starved.

Me too.

Hey, Al, why aren't you hungry?

Because I've got
a natural appetite suppressant.

Twenty-five years of marriage.

Yeah, and since he doesn't brush,
he can always mine his teeth for food.

Well, I'm starting to get hungry.

Big surprise.

Some captain you are.

If you're not gonna go down
with the ship, at least do something.

Oh, excuse me,
Miss We-Never-Do-Anything-Together.

Well, we're dying together, Peg.
Are you happy now?

Well, just don't look at me
to cheer anybody up anymore.

You bent my props.

As far as I'm concerned,
we can float out here sans comedy...

...and die a miserable,
humorless death.

Now look what you've done, Al.
You've upset the entertainer.

Good. Maybe he'll walk.

Hey, I know.
We could try to catch a fish.

How? We got no rod,
we got no hooks, we got no bait.

We got no rod and hooks.

- Honey, we got this.
- Peg. Peg. Peg. That's a flare gun.

We only use that
when the rescuers try to find us.

Oh, but I don't want them
to see my hair.

Well, now I know why Jacques
Cousteau only has men on the Calypso.

That's not why.

Hey, hey, we've got an oar.

And there's dozens of little fish
swimming around the boat.

We just hit them with the oar
and dinner is served.

Without cooking it?

Why bother? I mean,
cooking just makes them smaller.

Al, just go hit a fish.

Oh, all right. It's always,
"Al, I'm hungry. Al, I'm horny."

Why can't it for once be,
"Al, wake up, it's Cindy Crawford...

...I'm hungry and horny."

- What are you waiting for?
- A red one.

There it is. Gotcha!

Hey, where'd she go?

Where all dead fish go.

To the Red Lobster?

No, nimrod, to the bottom.

Hey, Al, you know, I just remembered
the one thing I knew about the sea.

If you beat a fish to a bloody pulp, it
tends to attract other fish, bigger fish.

Fish with no known enemies.

Well, this is nice.

Does anyone know
how to repel a shark?

Go ahead, Gilbert,
do your impressions.

Okay, Jerry Lewis.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, drum roll.

How much money did we raise?

Hello, this is Miranda Veracruz
de la Jolla Cardenal.

Live at the home
of Kelly and Bud Bundy...

...who are anxiously awaiting news...

...of whether their parents
will be found alive...

...or if their decomposing corpses
will be found weeks later...

...in some South Florida bog.

Bud and Kelly, I know
that this is a difficult time for you...

...but can you tell me
how you're feeling?

And please be as graphic
as possible.

We refuse to answer
this line of questioning...

...until we find out if they're alive.

Well, I apologize
if I seemed insensitive.

So tell me, did your parents
ever abuse you?

No.

Surely your father
must have seen your heinie?

Well, yeah, when I was a baby.

Did Michael Jackson
ever touch you?

Did Bob Barker ever touch you?

- Tom Arnold?
- Roseanne?

George Plimpton?

What is the matter with you, people?

Whatever happened to the noble image
of the fourth estate?

People like Edward R. Murrow
and then Walter Cronkite?

Who?

Walt-- Walter Cronkite?

Don't know that name.

Was he ever touched
by Michael Jackson?

Get away from me, you ghouls.

What was I even thinking,
letting you people in here?

Me and my sister will not sell
our parents out for money. Right, Kel?

Well, then Daddy had Senator
Packwood chase me around the bed.

Or was it Senator Mike Tyson?

Yes, yes, it was both of them.

Okay, Jerry Seinfeld.

Why do people ride buses?

Who are these people?

And where do they find
exact change?

- Hey, can you do Ted Kennedy?
- Sure.

Anyone wanna hold my pants?

Hold my pants.

Look, Peg, it's obvious
we're not gonna be rescued...

...and it's even more obvious why.

Now look, one of us has gotta swim
for help. Any volunteers?

Okay, okay. We should draw straws.

- Did anybody bring straws?
- I have straws.

Thank you.

All right.

Whoever picks the short one--

Like we don't know
who that's gonna be.

--swims for help.

Gee, I can't believe how small it is.

Boy, if I had a nickel
for every time I've said that.

Oh, Al, I'm just kidding,
this is the bravest thing I've ever seen.

You know, honey,
we've been through a lot.

Good times and bad times. And,
you know, if I never see you again...

...I just really want you to know
that I love--

- Boy, he's a fast swimmer.
- Yeah, look at him go.

Well, what do we do now?

Well, there is the matter
of my cheque.

You see,
just because the boat sinks...

...doesn't mean a comic
has to work for free.

Put a tray in it, Gilbert.

Well, he's right, sweetheart.
Give the man a 20.

Fine. Get me my wallet.

- Okay. Where is it?
- On the ocean floor.

Don't you realize that we are stuck
out here a million miles from nowhere.

It's gonna be weeks
before we see any sign of life.

Ahoy there.

We're a yacht full of congressmen
wasting out constituents' tax dollars.

You need any help,
or liquor or anything?

We're saved!

That's enough. Go away.

It's been two days
since you were rescued, Mrs. Bundy...

...and they still haven't found
your husband.

How do you feel about that?
Cry if you can.

Well, of course, we all want Al back.

We thought he'd washed up
onto the beach...

...but it turned out to be
just a giant jellyfish.

Mrs. Bundy,
if you're husband does turn up dead...

...we're willing to pay you
for your exclusive story.

Really? Well, how much?

Depends.
What did he do for a living?

He was a shoe salesman.

Fifty bucks.
Unless, of course, he abused you.

- How much is that worth?
- $500,000.

Well, you know he did make us drive
around in that Dodge.

And he made us live in this house.
Is that enough?

- Oh, God--
- God, yes. Awesome.

How did you put up with it
all this time?

Daddy!

Daddy!

Thank you.

Oh, Al... vin.

Alvin Bundy.
My late husband's identical twin.

How nice of you to drop by
on such a sad occasion.

How much, Peg?

Enough to make it worth your while
to walk out and never come back.

Five dollars?

- Nice try, Mrs. Bundy.
- And Mr. Bundy.

Who's for rooting through
Oprah's trash?

Well, perhaps some of our viewers
who sit way too close to the screen...

...might find your rescue story
interesting.

Well, it-- It is, really.

I swam for hours and then when
I didn't think I could go on any longer...

...suddenly I was surrounded
by a school of man-eating sharks...

...when miraculously
some dolphins chased them away...

...swam me to safety.

Man and dolphin, working together
against a common enemy.

And did any of them abuse you?

No, they saved my life.

Turn the camera off.

- Hey, where you going?
- It's sweeps, guys.

Unless that dolphin
was Michael Jackson's love child...

...we've got nothing.

Peg, by the way,
thanks for the all-out effort...

...to find me after you were rescued.

You know, I wanted to wait to find you,
but I was outvoted five to nothing.

I mean, four to one.

Mom, you shouldn't talk like that
to Dad's twin.

You know he's gonna tell.

Peg, I'm only gonna say this once
because I'm tired and I--

I think I have a clam in my shorts.

Don't flatter yourself.

No more magazine contests.

As I've said before,
no good can come of it.

Congratulations. I'm Gilbert Gottfried
and you've just won one--