All language subtitles for Married.with.children.S09E15.DVDRip.SAiNTS.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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Cut it out.

Cut it out, Bud.
I'm just not in the mood right now.

How could you not be in the mood?

When we did it a month ago, you said it
was the best three minutes of your life.

It was. I'm just not ready
for an encore yet.

I like to take my time.
It makes it special.

You know,
if it gets much more special...

...I won't be able to guarantee
a full three minutes.

Trust me. It'll be better
when we both really want it.

Okay. Okay, fine.
I'm not an animal. I can wait.

Mental note:
Sleep on stomach tonight.

I give up.

Today was the worst day of my life.

Worse than the day you found out...

...that big brush in the bathroom
wasn't for your teeth?

Okay,
the second-worst day of my life.

I went to go read
for this great movie part...

...but before I had a chance to audition,
they gave it to somebody else.

- Who?
- Meryl Streep.

Now, come on, what does she have
that I don't have?

What? You mean,
besides the Oscars, the fame...

...and the command
of the English language?

- Yeah.
- Well, it begins with a T.

I got those.

Talent, Gump.

See, in short, Kel, the problem with
your acting career is that...

...well, you stink. You reek.

What you should be reading for
is the girl who says:

"If you're under 18,
please hang up now."

Not that I would ever use
those things.

Sometimes you just misdial
calling the Library of Congress.

The numbers are so similar.

You don't think I'm good enough
to be an actress?

You're hardly a believable Kelly.

So you ready?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

I am. You ready?

No, I'm not ready.

I can't believe I let you have
what you claimed was sex with me.

You are just so mean to your sister.

Yeah. So? You ready?

A good, caring brother
would help build her self-esteem.

I thought you were different
from other guys.

I thought you were sensitive.

I'm sensitive. I am. Honest.

I come from a long line of caring,
sensitive, Bundy men.

Where's my shotgun?

Where's my shotgun?
I'm gonna blow his freaking head off.

Don't you think you're overreacting
just a little?

Some bird chirps on my side
of the window every night for a week.

Just because I want to pump
6 pounds of buckshot...

...into its 3-ounce body,
I'm overreacting?

I said we were sensitive, not sane.

Woman, my aught-six.

I don't have your aught-six anymore.
I gave it to the mailman.

He was so depressed about losing
his job, I thought it might cheer him up.

Well, what am I gonna do, Peg?
I can't sleep.

That can be deadly
in my line of work.

What if a fat woman tries
a pair of heels...

...and I'm not alert enough to
shift my body before she topples?

Amber, you're here.

Didn't I warn you about this house?

Remember the story,
The Bundyville Horror?

This is the place.
These are the people.

And this is the church
and this is the steeple.

Marcie, despite your annoying flapping
of both lip and wing...

...I'm glad you're here.

I'm having a problem with birds.

Perhaps you can speak to them
in their native tongue.

They're keeping me up.

What's their secret?

They look the same as they did
in high school.

Well, if you really want to scare them
away, an owl will usually do it.

An Al? I'm an Al.

An owl, you dolt. You know:

What?

- Not "huh."
- "Not huh," what?

Not huh. Not what.

Who, Al who?

Not "Al who." Owl:

Oh, an owl.

Why didn't you say so?
I need to get me an owl.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Al, either you're going to the zoo
at midnight, or come to bed.

Well, since she put it that way,
to the zoo!

Let's go, Amber.

And I want you to take a shower
the minute we get home.

Look, Amber, maybe we just got off
on the wrong foot.

How about just a little kiss?

We can settle in for some CNN.

Okay, Bud.

In a perverted sort of a way,
I kind of respect your opinion.

So before I kill myself,
would you mind telling me...

...is there anything that I'm good at?

Kel, if there were anything--

I thought you were special.

--wrong with you,
I'd have told you long ago.

Like, take your acting.

You see, when I said you stink, I meant
you stink at choosing your roles.

You know, like anyone from
the Saturday Night Live cast.

Well, those who can, do.
Those who can't, do not.

Yeah. Look, what I meant was, there
are much better jobs out there, Kel.

For instance,
I was just dating this actress.

Well, she plays topless
Lady Macbeth at the nudie bar.

She happened to mention to me there's
a commercial audition for Fryer Tuck's.

You know, the fast-food place
with the merry menu?

I bet you I could get you an audition.

Bud, you are an angel.

I don't mean like someone
who died without ever having sex...

...although I could.

I mean an angel
who does good deeds.

Why are you being so nice to me
all of a sudden?

Well, I've matured.

And I now realize there's a satisfaction
to be gained by helping others.

Amber won't give you any, will she?

No.

Yup, Amber, I got Kelly an audition.

And I am at my most sensitive.

So I was thinking,
how about topless poetry in my room?

Hello? Hello?

Mom, can you tell me
something about love?

Yeah. It's a many-splendored thing.

Have you seen my toenail clippers?

I mean,
what makes a woman want a guy?

I mean, you actually wanted Dad
at one time, for some reason.

Well, then you're not talking love,
you're talking hard liquor.

Oh, Bud, I'm just kidding.

There was a time when your father
was a very desirable man.

Guess who.

Now is not one of those times.

Dad, tell me you didn't rent an owl suit
to sit in a tree and scare birds.

I did not.

I bought this baby.

Talked him down to 400 bucks...

...and he threw in
the night vision goggles. See?

Now do you wonder
why I took my name off the mailbox?

I almost got a live owl at the zoo...

...but I found out something
very important last night.

Never try to sneak past a rabbit hutch
with an owl in your pants.

Even though they can't see,
they just know.

Time to go to work.

Honey, are you sure about this?

Relax, Peg. The guy who sold it
to me gave me a guarantee.

- Money-back?
- No.

He just said it would work,
put a closed sign on and drove away.

Hey, don't worry. I gave him a cheque.
It's not good or traceable or anything.

Did you get the Fryer Tuck job?

No, not yet.
It's down to me and another girl.

But in order to get the commercial...

...I have to learn how to shoot
a bow and arrow.

You know, architecture?

What am I going to do?

The other girl is already
a good architect.

How long do you have
before the callback?

A week.
I can't learn to shoot in 10 days.

Oh, Bud, will you help me, please?

Oh, the things I do for love.

Not you.

Marcie's niece, what's-her-tush.

Okay, let's begin.

Okay, let's stop.

Start over.

Remember what the guy
in the archery store said?

"Jump up and down
while I take these pictures"?

After that. Remember?

Look, feet apart, relax,
breathe slowly. Left arm, straight.

Okay, no, you're way too low now.
Aim higher.

Dad, before you get mad, just please try
to encourage her. She's just learning.

Fine. I'll keep the bleeding internal.

Thanks, Dad.

Look, this is not gonna work.
I mean, let's face facts.

If God wanted people to shoot a bow...

...he wouldn't have invented
assault weapons.

Look, that last shot wasn't your fault,
okay?

No bird has a butt that big.

- Now let's just try this again, all right?
- Okay.

Just relax. All right?

Will the arrow.

Use the force.

Told you.

Relax, relax.

Remember, there's nothing
to worry about. Okay?

You just keep saying to yourself,
"I am an architect."

Got it.

- So where's your competition?
- Over there.

Now, Kelly doesn't exactly have
to win this thing for me to score, right?

Well, might as well introduce myself.
No sense in being a bad sport.

Hi. I'm Kelly.
May the best girl win.

Bull's-eye.

What a quaint custom.

Here's one my mom taught me.

Hello, ladies.
How are my finalists today?

- Fine, Mr. Tuck.
- Fine, Mr. Tuck.

Oh, please, "mister" is so formal.
You can just call me "Sugar Daddy."

Now, as you girls know,
you are so close in talent...

...the only legal way to decide
who gets this role is with a shootout.

You have any questions?

- Actually--
- Good, then let's scoot and shoot.

How do we know who goes first?

I mean, should we flip a coin
or draw straws or--?

How about if I go second?

Okay. All right.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is
the last shot of the competition...

...and at the request of Miss Bundy...

...we will now flip a coin
to see who goes first.

Your turn, lame aim.

Bud, I cannot beat that.

Yes, you can. You can do anything.

You're just saying that
to score with Amber.

Yes, I am.

But you can win this
and I'm gonna help you.

- Really?
- Yes, of course.

You just tell me
what you want me to do.

Okay.

For my final shot, I am going to
shoot an apple off my brother's head.

Now, wait, wait, wait a sec now.
I'm her brother.

Kel, don't you think this apple thing
has been done to death?

Not yet.

Bud, I think it's so sexy,
what you're doing for your sister.

How sexy do you think it is
on a scale of one to do-l-get-some?

Let's do it.

- Isn't Bud the greatest?
- Yeah.

Damned if I'd do this for him.

What am I doing?

Am I so desperate for sex
that I'd risk certain death?

Why, yes. Yes, I would.

Okay. Stand still.

You know, I am really touched
that Bud is doing this.

For the first time in my life...

...it's like someone in my family
really believes in me.

God, I'm actually tearing up,
which is totally not good for Bud...

...since now he's nothing but
a blur from here.

Oh, what do I need to prove?

Having a family on your side
has got to be more important...

...than having some
fried-chicken typhoon...

...telling me I'm finger-licking good
every morning.

I can't do this.
I don't need to be the Fryer Tuck girl.

I'm just proud enough
to be that horndog's sister.

Thank you, God. Thank you.

I'm out of the contest.
The job's yours.

Couldn't do it, could you?
Candy ass.

Candy this.

Yeah, that was pretty amazing.

I haven't seen
an emerald-crested night thrush...

...since I took bird-watching
in college.

You know, to meet chicks.

But when I heard
this little fella's distinctive call...

...I knew I had to notify
the authorities.

To think, in Al's yard,
two endangered thrush eggs.

Well, I'm just glad they stopped him
before he could eat the other one.

I am gonna miss him, though.

Yeah, but it's not like you can't see him
whenever you want.

Well, time to go watch Kelly
taping her Fryer Tuck's commercial.

Will Bud be okay?

Oh, sure. He's been changed.

And besides, when is a turnip
ever really not okay?

Bud, we're leaving.

Mommy go. Daddy, tree.
Bud-Bud, sofa.

Oh, isn't that cute? His first words.

Soon, he'll be eating solid foods
and walking again.

They do grow up fast, don't they?

Bud, Aunt Marcie won't be back
for hours.

I want you, bad.

Girl. Yucky. Cooties.

Men.

- Oh, well, it could be worse.
- Oh, well, it could be worse.

- At least I'm not Dad.
- At least I'm not Bud.