All language subtitles for remux-Til.Death.S01E19.DVDRip.XviD-TOPAZ_track3_[eng]

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I want to have kids.
Lots and lots of kids.

And I don't need a husband
to help do that.

I need a wife,

because my mom says
she ain't gonna clean
my room forever.

I like this one girl Sara,

but my mom says
I can't marry her
because she's my cousin.

* All right!

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

So, uh, you guys just
invited us over for brunch?

It's strangely
friendly of you.

Well, we just wanted
to thank you

for that awesome
cappuccino maker
that you got us.

Cappuccino maker.
Mmm-hmm.

Oh, right.
Yeah. You're welcome.

JOY: So great.

Now our kitchen
looks just like

the Williams Sonoma
catalog.

Except for, you know, us.

Anyway, Eddie's gonna
make us all cappuccinos.

I haven't really learned
how to work the thing yet,

but he's the master.

He's so good
at stuff like that.

Well, that's true.

I do know how to push
the right buttons,

be it a cappuccino
machine, a VCR,

or the ladies.

All right, what can
I get everybody?

Mmm. Do you serve
soy milk?

Soy milk?

We're in America, sweetie.
We drink from cows.

Honey, actually,
I picked some up
for the brunch.

Oh, great!
EDDIE: Oh, okay.

I'll have
a soy cappuccino,

and could you warm the milk
before you whip it?

Warm then whip.

Okay, I'll have
a cappuccino,

and if you could add
an extra shot of espresso,

that would be great.
Got that, extra espresso.

For me, I'm gonna
have a half-cafe latte

and use the cinnamon beans.

Cinnamon beans.
And dust it with nutmeg.

Ooh, ooh!
Dust mine, too!

But not too much dust.

Okay, everybody's gonna
get dusted, all right?

Just--Just...

No more talking.
I have it all up here.
Please.

Eddie, could
you make mine iced?

(SHOUTING)

(EXCLAIMS)

All right, I'm gonna go
shake my frittata.

That's right,
you heard me.
Deal with it.

Why did you buy them
a cappuccino maker?

Those things
are expensive.

For that kind of money,
I could have had
that thing removed.

Oh, no, no, no.
We didn't buy them one,

we just gave them
the one we had
and never used.

We need the counter space.

Steph, that was
a wedding gift
from my mother.

Was it?

You knew that.

What else are
you giving away
without my knowledge?

My old Indian
arrowhead collection?

No, I did not get rid of
your Indian arrowheads.

And for the record,
every rock that's shaped
like a triangle...

It's not an arrowhead.

Okay, one down.

This is Steph's half soy

frappa-cappa
Ladysmith Black Mambazo.

Look at that.
It's so professional.

Your foamed milk looks...

Yes, it's like
an angel sneezed.

I know, I know.
Look, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you make
the next one,
and I'll go grab a bagel.

You know I don't know
how to use that thing.

But I'm gonna learn.
I will.

Oh, okay.

Don't forget
my nutmeg dust.

Okay.

JOY: All righty,

Steph, here is
your cappuccino.

Mmm! Looks delicious.

Mmm.

It's got a nice
little aftertaste.

Oh, that might be Cascade.

The dishwasher's
on the fritz.

Maybe it's the bitterness
of my mother's tears.

Oh, Joy,

I finally found out
what that weird lady
down the street

is keeping
in her trashcans.

No, wait, wait, wait!
Wait, I want to hear this.

Is it cats?

Is it a...
Is it a pile of cats?

(WHIRRING)

No way!
She does not!

(COFFEE MACHINE WHIRRING)
She does not what?

What is it she doesn't do?

(SHOUTS)

Oh! Son of a mocha
frappe latte!

* Hey, hey

Hey, Eddie,
I wanted to thank you
for brunch the other day,

especially those
cappuccinos.
They were delicious.

You must be loving that
cappuccino maker, huh?

It's making my life
a living hell.
Really?

Joy has me making
these cappuccinos
all the time.

She's like, "Oh, honey,
can you make me
a decaf bedtime cappy?"

Or else it's,
"Oh, I really gotta learn
how to work that machine."

But she never does,
and she never will.

It's like she's playing me.

Sounds like you're
running a Starkbucks.

'Cause Stark is
my last name.

Your cleverness is
exceeded only by

your love affair
with the sweater vest.

Hey.
Hey, there.

(SIGHS)

I had such a crazy
day at work today.

Could you make me a tiny
little cappuccino?

I know, I know.
I'm gonna learn how
to use that thing.

You know what?
We're gonna teach
you right now.

What? Now?
Yeah, we are.

But I'm tired.
Yeah, we're all tired.

Okay, this is what you do.

Very simple.
You take the water,

you put it into the tank.

You fill it right
up to there.

Okay, I'm lost.

You're lost?

Yeah.

Where did I lose you?

I don't know,
the water, the tank.

Okay, okay, okay,
it's easy.

You take the water.

You put it
into the tank.

You do speak
English, correct?

Yeah, it's just a little
confusing, that's all.
Confusing?

Okay, let me put it
in terms that you
could understand.

Pretend that
the tank is your belly,

and the water is merlot.

Okay.
You put the water
into the tank.

Got it.
Okay.

Then you close
the lid like this.

Okay.
You're so
good at this.

You're an amazing man.

Okay, then you press
the button right
here to prime.

To prime button.

Where are you, Joy?

Close the lid.

No, we're-- we're
way past the lid!

The lid is closed!

Then you take
the espresso coffee, okay?

You put it
into the basket.

That's the basket?
This is the basket,

and you tamp it.
Tamp it.

You tamp it down.

Okay, then you put
it right in here.

And you twist it.

You make sure
it is tight.

You push this button.

And you start it.
Voila.

That's it.

Can I have that?

Okay, look,
you are a very bright
college-educated woman.

I know you can make
a cappuccino.

It's very easy.
Okay, it is water, prime,

coffee, tamp, twist, button.

W-P-C-T-T-B.

Wapacitiba.

You got it?
Wapacitiba.

Okay?

Wa-pa-citi-bla.

I know your game, woman.

You see, you refuse
to learn this

because you don't
want to have the skill

because you don't
want to do it.

So, you're gonna repeat
after me, okay?

It is water, prime, coffee,

tamp, twist, button.

Wapacitiba!
Wapacitiba!

Wapacitiba!

Okay, you know what? Fine!

I could learn,
but I don't feel like it.

Are you happy?
No! No!

I am not happy
because I am physically

and spiritually exhausted.

But the free ride
is over, sister!

What are you saying?
You're refusing to
make me cappuccinos?

That's right! I am.
Starkbucks is closed.

Starkbucks?
Stark!

Starkbucks,
that's right.

Ooh, good one.

It happens to be
very clever.

I can't believe
you won't do this
one little thing for me.

If I made a list
of everything
that I do around here,

it would go once
around the equator.

Oh, don't threaten me
with your travel agency
fancy lingo.

Okay? Because I have
a list, too, missy!

Really? I'd like
to see that list.

I would like to
show you my list.

Okay, should we do it now
or after I prepare
dinner for us

like I do every night!

We're gonna
see it after dinner

because I don't want to
do it on an empty stomach.

* Hey, hey

You could just
sign right here.

Sure.

What's wrong?

Usually you're magic trick
of the month puts you
in a great mood.

Oh, no, it's not that.

I'm psyched as hell
about my new
Chinese Linking Rings.

It's just, actually,

I got a thing
with my wife.

She gave away a gift
my mother gave me
without asking.

Wow. Not cool.

No. It is not, UPS Mitch.

It is not.

All right.

Well, I got, like, 400
packages to deliver, so...

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, hey!

What did we give you for
a holiday tip last year?

A tin of
something brown.

I'm gonna say
hard fudge.

Well, I am about to bump
that up, my friend.

Oh, here we go.

Merry belated Christmas.

My wife,
she loves this thing.

But I think it's
just taking up space.

Wow! A crystal apple.
Uh-huh.

I've never
been happier.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hey!
Hey!

What's up with you?

(GASPS) Your new magic trick
came, didn't it?

I'll go sit on the couch.

Yep.

It came, but that's not why
I'm so happy right now.

What's up?

Look, I am sorry,
sunshine,

but I just gave away
your precious crystal
apple to UPS Mitch.

Bam!

Jeff, you shouldn't
have done that.

Why not? Why?
Because it was something
meaningful to you?

Because it was given to you
by someone that you love
and care about deeply?

Well, that is exactly
how I felt about
the cappuccino maker.

Now you know how I feel.

Jeff, I am truly sorry

I gave away that gift
from your mother.

But here's the thing.

That crystal apple
was also a gift
from your mother.

Remember when you got
your first teaching job?

Oh, that's starting
to ring a bell, yeah.

Okay,
things Joy does
around the house.

One, cooks.
Two, cleans.

Three, pays the bills.
Four, does the laundry.

Five, buys all gifts.

Six, handles all federal,
state, and local taxes.

Oh, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

Are we allowed to include
government related activities?

Because that was
not made clear.

Seven, oversees handymen.

Eight, administers all
your pills, injections,
and ointments.

My list goes to 25.

Do you want me
to take a break
and you can read yours?

Sounds great.

One, I take out the trash.

Okay.
Two, I grill.

Three, I make pancakes.

Four, I make
blueberry pancakes.

That's all you got?

Trash, the grilling,

and the pancakes.

And the blueberry pancakes.

(CLEARS THROAT)

And I also am
in charge of
a lot of intangibles

that I didn't have time
to put on the list.

Such as?

I protect us

from intruders.

And bears.

And strange people carrying

religious pamphlets.

Okay, so, let me
get this straight.

(CLEARS THROAT)
While you are making
the pancakes,

in the back
of your mind,

you're also
on the lookout

for pamphlets and bears.

Do you really think
it's a coincidence

that there has
never been a bear

or a pamphlet in our house?

That's-- That's all me, baby!

You know what?
You are the one who is
getting the free ride.

No, I am not!

I am your cappuccino,
pamphlet, bear guy.

Okay, you know what?
You know what? This is
what we're gonna do, okay?

I am gonna learn
how to make cappuccinos.

And I am also going
to protect us

from all animals
and all intruders.

And you are
gonna take on

one of the things
that I do, okay?

How about
you're gonna do bills.

You know what?

I would love
to do the bills.
Great.

Because, you know,
I keep hearing about

these mysterious bills.

Oh, I can't
go out tonight

because I have
to pay the bills.

Oh, I just cannot
wait to see

what these bills
are all about.

Great. Here you go.

Wait, we pay for water?

Wapacitiba.

Ba.

What's ba?

Button!

(HISSING)

Booya!

How's it going with
those bills, my prince?

I am in an epic battle

of good and evil
with the gas companies

of greater
Philadelphia, Joy.

I am in the matrix!

Oh, my God.
Didn't that burn?

Not as much my throat,
just my insides.

Hey, did you know
that if you badger

a customer service
representative long enough

he will actually drop
the state usage fee?

How much is that?

$3 per fiscal quarter.

Hey.

I got three channels here.
They're all fuzzy.

Oh, yeah,
I switched us over

to satellite because
the first month is free.

And then I'm gonna
switch back to cable

where the first
month is free.

Cable, dish, cable, dish.
Boom, boom, boom.

Ping-pong of savings.

Eddie, you can't do that.
You're gonna get caught.

And if I do,
I just change
my middle initial.

(LAUGHING)

The battle of Antietam

was the single
deadliest day

in American history.

The rivers ran red
with the blood of...

WOMAN ON PHONE:
Keystone Cellular. This is
Barbara. May I help you?

Yeah, hi. Uh, uh...

Just a second, please.

Kids, I have to
take this call.

I've been on hold
with this company
for, like, 7 hours.

And I have to resolve
this situation

so I will be able
to teach you

at the high level
of excellence
that all of you deserve.

So, um...

Heads down.

Uh, yeah, hi, Barbara.
It's Eddie again.

Yeah, uh, listen,
I'm gonna need you

to drop the international
plan for my cell phone

because I really have
no use for Europe
or its neighbors.

Yeah, yeah.
Can you-- Can you hold?

I have another
call coming in.

Hello?
Hey, it's me.

Look, I have $200 worth
of groceries here

and my credit card has
just been declined.

Oh, yeah, well,
we don't work with

that credit card
company anymore.

I really didn't care
for supervisor
Gene Richmond's tone.

What am I supposed
to do, Eddie?

I have $700
in petty cash

in the hamper under
my dirty underwear.

Can't get it now,
won't touch it ever.

I think that
this is getting

a little bit out
of control, don't you?

Listen, I'm in the middle
of molding young minds here,

so we're gonna have
to deal with this later.

Okay, I'm gonna level
with you, Barb,

that was Verizon,
and they want me bad.

So, you're-- you're just
gonna have to start dancing.

(CLEARS THROAT)

You wouldn't want
to buy these for me,
would you?

I'll show you
one of my boobs.

EDDIE: Joy?

Joy?

Eddie, stop.

I told you,
if you can't do it
without waking me up,

we're not doing it.

No, it's not that.
This is very important.

I figured out a way
to use our miles

to pay our electric bill.

What the hell
is wrong with you?

It's-- It's 2:00 a.m.

Not in New Delhi, my dear.

Uh, hello, Mohandas.

What time is it
there, please?

It's already Friday?

Well, TGIF, if you know
what I'm saying.

You don't.
Oh. Oh, okay.

(CLATTERING)

I'll call you back.

Did you hear that?

Yeah, I did.

Okay, you're up.

What?

You're intruders.
Go see what
the noise was.

You're actually gonna
make me go down there

and confront what
could possibly be
a murderer?

Or a bear.

Either way,
it's your job.

So, go check it out,
and I'll crawl
into your warm spot

and make some
more calls.

You are unbelievable.

(GROANS)

(SCREAMING)

Okay, I'm here in
no official capacity.

But I heard you scream,

and I just want
to make sure
everything was okay.

There is a squirrel
in the house.

How the hell did
a squirrel get into
our house?

Oh, come on, look.
He's just a cute little...

Oh, God!

He only has one eye!
He's a fighter!

Go!

What are you doing?
Get it!

No, no, no.
You get it.

I already got us
matching fleece pullovers

for renewing
Sports Illustrated.

All right, if you are
not gonna get it,

I am gonna call
animal control.

Oh! Careful! Go...

There's no dial tone.

Yeah, we don't have
a land line for

about 24 hours.

What?
We don't have a phone?

No, no. Because
I switched our provider.

We're now with Magique.

And all you have to do
is dial 1-684-39 pound
before your calls.

They'll put you
right in there.

You know what?
I thought that by
giving you the bills,

you would realize how
hard I work around here.

But it turns out I'm the one
who has realized something.

I am married to

an obsessive,
anal-retentive maniac.

That's pretty harsh
for a guy who just
saved us a bundle

on prepaid gas.

I can't make
a phone call.

I can't buy groceries.

I can't get cash
from an ATM.

Do you know
what I had to do
for lunch today?

Steal a burrito.

I had to rob
a mini-mart, Eddie!

Effective immediately,
I will do everything
around here,

you will do nothing!

Got it?

(GASPS)

The only thing that
you have to do right now

is get that squirrel
out of my house.

All right,
just give me the shoe.

It's go time.

Get over...
Stop it.

Okay!

(EXCLAIMS)
Got him right in the tail!

All right, he's not pleased.

All right,
he's coming at us

with either a hot dog
or a finger in his mouth.

Go! Move!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

What the hell
were you thinking?

Huh.

We got it back,
sweetie.

Would you look at that?

You know what?

I never should
have given it away
in the first place.

I'm really sorry.

Oh, no. Look, baby,
I overreacted.

It was just...

You know, we were
getting married,

and my mother,
the woman who bore me,

took a day off from
the bottling factory

and took the bus downtown

and dug deep into her heart
and her bank account
and bought us this.

Hey, what's this
sticker on the back?

"Thank you for trying out
for Wheel of Fortune.

"Please enjoy this
consolation prize."

It's a re-gift.

That bitch.