All language subtitles for remux-Til.Death.S01E05.DVDRip.XviD-TOPAZ_track3_[eng]

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* All right!

* Hey!

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

JEFF: And so I said to him,

"Do not take the money away
from our fine arts program."

I mean, the arts
are a crucial part

of a well-rounded
education.

Okay. I say this in the spirit
of making this car pool work.

This ride home,

a little talky.

Less is more.

You know what I'm saying?

Come on, Woodcock.

It's time to get going
and let the cabin air out.

Yeah,

Eddie, would you mind
if I hung out

and just listened to the radio
for a minute?

NPR was just about
to do a story

on deaf rodeo clowns.

All the danger,
none of the laughter.

Radio?

What is this,
the 1940s?

Go inside your house
and watch TV
like everyone else.

Come on. Get in there.
Your wife's waiting for you.

(EXHALING)

Oh, okay.

I know what
this is about.

You're looking for
a little downtime

from the missus, huh?

Well, why didn't you say so?

Hey.
That's ridiculous.

What's ridiculous
is a grown man

in an apricot sweater vest.

The fact is,
you hit the wall.

The wall?
Yes.

It happens in
every marriage.

At first, you want to spend
every second together.

Then at a certain point,

the man wants
some alone time.

That's not true with
me and Steph, all right?

We're still
totally in love.

I'm not saying
you don't love her.

I'm just saying
it's enough already.

I see it every time
you get home.

She shoots out
of the house

like you just got
back from the war.

Why? Because she's
cooped up all day

writing that
ridiculous thesis on...

What is it,
the French Revolution?

Literature of
the French Revolution.

Oh, okay. Now I can't
wait to read it.

Hey!

I saw you drive up.

You won't believe
what happened today.

I was doing research,
and I Googled Louis XV

when I meant to
Google Louis XVI,

and I was like,
"Wait a second.

"Louis XV wasn't executed.

"Duh."

Anyway, I ended up on
the Bed Bath & Beyond
web site

and I was gonna order
some new hand towels,

but if figured
you'd probably want input.

Open the door, sweetie.

You got to unlock it
sometime, Woodcock.

* Ooh!

Eddie, you were right.
Steph is driving me crazy.

My only alone time
is in the bathroom.

I've been taking 45-minute
showers twice a day.

I'm rubbed raw!

I'm getting alopecia.
Look. Look at this.

All right. Look,
let's not start sharing
our body issues, okay?

You don't want
to open that door.

I should just be
honest with her.

I should tell Steph
that I need some space.

No, no, no, no, no.
Honesty never works.

You see this scar?

This is from
when I told Joy

that she might want to switch
to a stronger antiperspirant.

All right. Well,
what do you suggest I do?

Well, you got to come up with
a wife-certified activity

that you can do without her.

Wife-certified?

See, you're
married now, okay?

So, "I'm gonna go
have beer with Chuck"

really doesn't
cut it anymore.

You need to be able to point
to something on the calendar

and say,
"This is happening,"

almost as if
you can't control it.

I like mystery novels.

Okay.

You're clearly not
getting this.

The goal is to get
out of the house.

Like golf, for example.

That buys you
half a day right there.

How the hell do you think
the Scotsman who invented it

came up with 18 holes?

He probably started at 10,
went home to his wife,

figured he needed
a little more time away,

bumped it up to 14,
and then took it to 18.

He would have kept going,

but unfortunately,
he ran into the sea.

So what's your activity?

I'm in a band.

See, just when you think
you have me pegged,

boom, I blow your mind.

I didn't even know
you played an instrument.

Well, back in the day,
I was able to make
a little noise

on a bass guitar,

but I actually haven't
played in years.

But you just said to me
you were in a band.

Yeah. Well, see,

Joy doesn't know this,

but the truth is, we really
don't play much anymore.

See, my friend Cofeld
converted his garage
into a game room,

so we pretty much just
bring over the instruments,

play cards, drink beer
and eat.

But four guys
in a garage band,

wife-certified.

Four guys just hanging
around a garage,

not wife-certified,
and maybe even

a little creepy.

* Ow!

(JINGLE PLAYING)

Sweetie,
you in here?

Yeah. Yeah.
Just gonna be a minute.

Hey, there, stranger.

Hey!

You've been in here
for like half an hour.

I missed you.

Really?

We did just play
a hell of a game of Monopoly.

Two people, it sure does
take a while, doesn't it?

Anyway, can I help you
with something?

No.

Just wanted to say hi.

What's the matter?

Nothing, nothing.
You enjoy the water.

I needed a break from
the warmth anyway.

You're not getting
sick of me, are you?

What? No. No.

No.

Look, honey, um,

there's something
I got to tell you.

What?

Eddie asked me
to join his band.

(JINGLE PLAYING)

Okay. Gonna scoot.

Got to get to Cofeld's
for band practice.

You gonna be there all day?

You know, I'm not sure.

I'm working on
a new bass solo and...

I'm thinking
this could re-energize
the bass solo genre.

* Bow, chicka, bow, bow

Well, while you're out
having your fun...

* Bow, chicka, bow, bow

...just think of me.

I'm gonna be here
paying our bills,

taking in our
dry-cleaning.

Oh, yeah, you know,
I'd help you if I could,

but, you know,
band practice,

it's on the calendar.

It's like Flag Day, you know.

It's there.

Got to deal with it.

Yeah. I know. I just...
I'm a little bit stressed out.

You know, I'd like to be
appreciated for just
half a second

for everything that
I do around here.

Oh, I appreciate you.

You know I do.

I should show you more.
I should. I'm an idiot.

Okay. Bye.

(JINGLE PLAYING)

Okay. I got
the pizza steak.

Who's got
a Whiz and onions?

Right here,
right here.

All right. And Stan
with the large salad.

Why do you have to
say it like that?

I'm trying to eat healthy.

I could use
a little encouragement.

You know who else could use
a little encouragement?

Gin! Ow!

(LAUGHING)

That's 24 bucks now, ATM.

I asked you to please
not call me ATM.

Why not? I push your buttons,
you spit out cash.

It's just not nice.

Oh. I'm sorry, ATM.

That's not cool.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh. I'm hoping that's
the delivery guy

bringing back
Stan's manhood.

Woodcock, what are you
doing here?

I want to join your band.

What? No!

Come on, Eddie, please.

I panicked trying to come up
with a wife-certified activity

and I told Steph
you already let me in.

Look. No offense,
but I'm seeing
enough of you already

with the car-pooling
to school

and the sheer drapes
on your powder room window.

By the way, only European guys
wear that kind of underwear.

Eddie, come on, please.

Hey! I brought my clarinet
from high-school orchestra.

Okay, this may
come as a surprise,

but that's not
a huge selling point.

Hey, hey.

There's a three-white-man
limit in my garage.

He's got to go.

I'm joking, I'm joking,
I'm joking.
Come on in, man.

How you doing?
I'm Cofeld,

and this is
my private fun zone,

whenever my mother-in-law
isn't staying with us.

Very nice to meet you.
Mmm-hmm.

(GASPS)
Hey, how you doing?

Oh, nice going.
You woke him up.

The man hasn't slept
in 72 hours.

He has baby triplets.

His house sounds
like a chicken farm.

This is my neighbor.

Oh. Hey. I'm Russ.

Jeff. Congrats on
the triplets. Wow!

Yeah, yeah. Love them.
Changes your life.

Don't have kids, man.

I'm serious.

Don't do it.

Oh, hi.
Hey there.

Hi.

Stan Jarvis. You probably
recognize the name.

I own Jarvis' Jewelry
and Gifts at the mall.

Oh.

Yeah. So don't make fun
of the ridiculous amount

of male jewelry
that he's wearing.

Did you throw out a card?

Because I was distracted
by all of your rings.

I have three rings.

A man can wear three rings.

You know who else
can wear three rings?

Gin! Ow!

We're up to
35 bucks now, ATM.

Wow. So this is it, huh?
The band.

This is pretty sweet.

He knows we don't actually
play anything, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I know.
I'm cool. I'm down.

That salad
looks delicious.

Thank you.

* Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

* Ow!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey, Steph. What's up?

Nothing. I just found
my old tarot cards,

and I thought since
Jeff and Eddie
are at band practice,

maybe you'd want me
to delve into your future.

Oh, that's too bad

'cause you probably
could have laid
the cards out at home

and known that I wouldn't
want to do that.

Wow, someone's a Scorpio.

I'm sorry. I just... I have
a full afternoon planned.

All right.

Maybe I'll just wander
over to the band practice,

you know, check it out.

Jeff says he's been rocking
crazy hard on the clarinet.

Uh, yeah. I wouldn't go
over there if I were you.

Why not?

Well, here's a little bit
of garage band trivia

that you should know.

There isn't one.

What do you mean?

They're not a band.
They don't practice.
They don't play.

They just do that, like,
"I'm gonna wrestle you,
but I'm not gay" thing.

And they hide out
from their wives.

That's not true.

Jeff wouldn't do that.

Uh-huh. But he's ripping
Van Halen solos

on his high-school clarinet.

Steph, he just needs
a little space.

I can't believe this.

Honey, listen to me.

I know that it doesn't
feel like it right now,

but someday you're gonna
want a little time away
from Jeff, too.

It's completely normal.

I mean, you can't even
consider it a real marriage

until part of you
just wants to run.

And you don't mind that Eddie
gets to go off and have fun,

while you're stuck here
doing all this stuff?

(SNICKERS)

Oh, I have fun.

The thing is,
I don't tell Eddie.

Yeah. Before he heads off
to band practice,

I spread all this stuff out,

and I tell him it's gonna
take me all afternoon,

and I make him feel guilty,
and then I'm a martyr,
and I get points.

It's this whole thing.
You're gonna learn
about it eventually.

The truth is,
most of these bills

have been paid since
the early '80s.

Anyway, I got to change.

I'm actually headed downtown
to see a revival of

Joseph and the Amazing
Technicolor Dreamcoat,

starring Donny Osmond.

You okay?

Just let it sink in
a little bit.

(SIGHS)

You're okay.

Let yourself out.

That's it.
Come around the horn

(PINBALL MACHINE DINGING)
and get in the clown's mouth.

That's it. That's it, baby.
Get in the clown's mouth.

(CHUCKLING)

You know who else
goes in the clown's mouth?

Gin! Ha!

Not bad.

A little weird and dirty,

but you're getting it.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Okay, there's five guys
and seven pizzas.

Who could that possibly be?

I'll get it.

Oh, hello, pretty lady.

(CHUCKLING)

I do not know you,
but this does not feel right.

Woodcock,
it's your wife.

Steph?

Hi, sweetie. Sorry to
interrupt band practice.
Hey.

(WHISPERING) Hey! Hey,
there's panties in
the sock drawer.

We were just...
We're all on a hard five.
You know.

Really?
Yeah.

I wanted to hear you play.

Guess I'll just have to
hang out till your next set.

Yeah, well, it's gonna
be a little longer
than a five, actually.

Because we just, you know,
we're still coming down from

a fairly intense
musical journey.

And we really put
ourselves out there.

(STAMMERING)
It was pretty emotional.

Why are all your instruments
still in their cases?

Why are you here?

Because, you know,
from the looks of it,

it seems like you aren't
really a band at all.

You're just a bunch of guys
sitting around watching TV.

(LAUGHING)

Check your wife.

That's crazy.

We're a real band.

We're a hard-rocking
American good-time band.

Okay. Prove it.

Play something.

Okay. All right. We could
play a little something.

What do you say? Let's
strap up, guys,
and rock this joint, huh?

COFELD: Uh, Ed,
what are we gonna play?

Just sit down.
Sit down.

You guys take requests?

No, we do not.

We play just original stuff,

very free-form.

So I'm gonna
have to ask you to

open up your mind.

I've only got three strings
on my guitar.

Just be cool, man, all right?

I think we're gonna
start in the key of G

unless anyone
has a better key.

Anyone? Anybody?

Okay, Cofeld,
why don't you...

Why don't you
count us in?

One.

Two.

One, two, three, go.

(ALL PLAYING OFF-KEY)

We can't play!
We can't play anything!

We played one song
10 years ago at
a farmer's market

and it was pretty bad.
It was really bad.

Look, just don't
tell my wife, okay?

Look, I got baby triplets
at home,

and I'm a good father,
and I'm with them a lot,

but I am completely
exhausted.

And, see, this band
is my only time to sleep.

So, you see, I can't
let you leave here and
tell anybody about this.

Okay?

I'm just not gonna
let that happen.

What the hell is happening
to my fun zone?

I can't believe you, Jeff.

You're hiding from me.

We've only been married
three months

and you'd rather be
out here with strangers

than with me
in the shower, naked.

Sweetie, I'm sorry, okay?

Look, this was never
about you, okay?

This was just about me
needing to get away from you.

Bail out, Woodcock. Bail out.

Honey, look. Come on.

You got to be getting
at least a little
sick of me, too, right?

No, I'm not.

I want to be with you.

I'm not like Joy.

I'm not happy
you're in a fake band

so I can go off
and do my own thing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait...

What's all this about
Joy being happy?

Oh.

Nothing. She's not happy.

Wait. Did she tell you
that she knows

that this is a fake band?
Did she tell you that?

Maybe.

Well, that's impossible
because if she knows,

then why isn't she
the one here giving me crap?

'Cause she had
theater tickets.

Wait a minute.

Dreamcoat's in town.

(JINGLE PLAYING)

That Donny Osmond
is just a delight.

I mean, 20, 40, 60,
whatever age,

the guy just brings it.

I know.
It's only act one,

and already this is better
than the London production.

And I was
dating Joseph.

You weren't.
Yes, I was.

Care for a Whopper?

(SCREAMS)

Oh, don't you look comfy?

What are you doing here?

Well, I can't believe,
that this whole time

you would let me think
that you're slaving away,

and it turns out you're
taking in Broadway musicals.

Do you do this every time
I have band practice?

No, not at all.

Sometimes I go to day spas.

Wine tastings.

Gallery openings.

That's where I met Charles.
Do you know Charles?

No, I don't know Charles.
Who the hell is Charles?

This is... Charles,
this is my husband Eddie.

Hi. Oh, thank you so much
for letting me borrow her.

My husband's a FedEx pilot
and he is never in town.

(WHISPERS)
He has a husband.

I'm gonna go
get some wine.

Je reviens
tout de suite.

Oui. D'accord.

What, did you two just
talk French to each other?

We took a class
at the Learning Annex.

What is going on here?

I don't see what
the big deal is.

We both have our things.

You're in a band.

Yeah, yeah, a fake band
that you knew about,

and it's basically just
four guys hiding out
in a sweaty garage

that smells like onions,
feet and ass.

And you made me feel
guilty about that.

Meanwhile, you're living
the high life

with a guy that has the most
beautiful skin I've ever seen.

All right, fine, Eddie.

I was lying.
But you know what?

You were lying, too.

Well...

Why do we feel like we
have to lie to have fun?

Why can't we just go off,
have a good time,

and be happy for each other?

I mean, I love you,
but somehow the thought
of you having too much fun

just doesn't
feel right to me.

I feel like I'm getting
screwed somehow.

Am I a terrible person?

Not at all,
and I love you, too,

but I feel the same way.

Maybe we should start having
a little fun together.

You know what? I think
that's a great idea.

That seat is empty.
You want to stay
for the second act?

Oh, yeah,
you know what?

I caught a few seconds of this
thing on the way in and...

Hmm, I got to tell you.
You know what?

I'll tell you what.
How about you, me
and Charles,

we'll get together
at HoJo's after, okay?

Pie's on me.

(ORCHESTRA WARMING-UP)

Wow. I got to go.

Okay. Bye.

* Hey, hey, hey, hey!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey, guys, listen.
I got some great news.

I talked things over
with Steph

and it turns out
she was just more upset

because I lied to her.

But she calmed down,
and I explained to her

that I need some
time to myself.

So, except for the ballroom
dancing lessons we're taking
on Thursdays,

I'm wide open.

So I'm back in the band!

Yeah. You know,
the funny thing is,

is that we've been
talking, too, and...

Guess who's not ever
allowed over here again.

Gin?

* Yeah!