All language subtitles for Til.Death.S02E02.DVDRip.XviD-ORPHEUS

thank you.

Eddie,we got these gorgeous flowers,

but I have no idea who they're from.

There's no card.

Oh.Actually,they're from me.

No,seriously,they're from me.

Then why didn't you send a card?

Well,inspector,because

I thought it would be more
mysterious to not send a card.

And also,I don't like to dictate randy
messages to irene at the flower shop.

It doesn't make any
sense.It's not my birthday.

It's not our anniversary.

You're way too lazy to have an affair.

Ok,look,I sent you flowers,ok.

It's a good thing.I didn't
take food from a child.

I didn't punch a nun.

I sent you flowers because
I think you're pretty great.

All right?But you know what?

Maybe I should just go to the hell

you got me flowers just because?

Like when people are in love?

Don't get carried away.

Come here,you.

- Ah ha ha.
- You're beautiful.Thank you.

- You're welcome.
- Put them in some water.

Oh.There is a card.

"So sorry for your loss.

" What have I lost?

Any desire to have sex with me?

Til Death
Season 2 Episode 2

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'Til death is filmed in front
of a live studio audience.

Come on.The movie's
starting in 20 minutes.

Coming.

Oh,good lord.

Ok,look...

you know the drill,ok?

We bought you the movie coat
specifically to accommodate candy.

Why don't I just swallow
a balloon full of skittles

and smuggle it in my stomach?

Don't tease me.Ok.Now here.

All right.Keep that upright.

- Hey.
- Hey

Uh,we actually can't make
it to the movies tonight.

Mr.Bauer died.

Our neighbor from across the street.

Directly across the street.

Oh,is that the
suspenders and a belt guy?

Yep.Yeah.

- That's terrible.
- Very sad.

So you can't go to the movies because...

our neighbor died last night.

Well,what better time to let
queen latifah make us laugh?

The funeral's thursday.

We'd offer to take you,but
we gotta be there early.

I'm making some opening remarks
on behalf of the neighbors.

I'm a pallbearer.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Everyone in the
neighborhood's doing something,

even that guy who lives in his car.

He's an usher.

Well,we better go.

Oh,the tickets were like,$19.

But that's a whenever thing.

Ok,well,let's get going.

That hoagie in your pants
ain't gettin' any younger.

Should we feel bad that
everyone on the block

is doing something for
this funeral and we're not?

Joy,look,we should feel relieved.

We're not neighborly types,ok?

We don't-- we're
not sociable.

We don't wave at people
who are waving at us.

I--I mean,on halloween,we
turn off all the lights

and we army-crawl to
the fridge so that....

so the kids won't know we're home

I love that about us.

Now,come on.I bought the tickets online.

If anybody asks,you're over 65.

Hey,I'm done with my
speech for the funeral.

- Can I read it to you?
- Yeah,yeah.Of course.

What is a neighbor?

Well,if the neighbor is charlie
bauer,then the "n" is for nice.

"E" is for his electric mower.

"I" is for the
igloo cooler--

you might want to skip down to "o,"

because "o," my god,you're gonna
eat it if you read this thing.

Are you seriously ing my eulogy?

Sorry.It's just it's a little,um...

what's the word?Uh...blows.

Ok,well,how about i make a
different speech about you?

- "F" is for go
- ok,I'm gonna stop you right now.

You see,steph,when you
took the woodcock name--

which by the way,was a pretty
big downgrade from taylor.

I gave you the option of hyphenating.

Wait.Look,my point is
what you do reflects on me,

and what I do reflects on you,and

frankly,I think mr.Bauer
deserves a little more than,

"today's funeral was brought
to you by the letter B.

" Baby,how 'bout this?

How 'bout I write the
speech and you give it?

- I don't think so.
- Come on.You know that I'm a great writer.

Remember that one-act
play I wrote in college?

Oh,right,about that sstenti
who built a robot who could cry.

It was pretty deep stuff.

You do understand
that robotmotion,right?

Yeah,I got that.

What do you say?Can I give it a shot?

Fine.Whatever.

Awesome.Argh!This
speech is gonna kick ass.

In a very somber ective way.

Mrs.Bauer,I'm joy stark
from across the street.

Uh,I think these are yours.

I-I'm sorry about the burned ones,

but my husband had a pretty
big bacon fire this morning.

Oh.Thank you.

W-would you like to
join me for some tea?

Uh...yeah.I would love to.

Ok.

Hey.What you doin'?

Picking out a dress
for mr.Bauer's funeral.

You're actually going to that thing?

Yeah.I'm kind of singing at it.

Oh,boy,great.Ok,here we go.

Now you've opened the floodgat .

Now we're gonna get invited
to things left and right.

Weddings,uh,barbecues.

You wanna go to those
swinging key parties,huh?

Is that your game,lady?

You wanna get your jollies with that
gorgeous orthodontist up the block

with his gorgeous gutters and
his gorgeous aluminum siding?

Eddie,I went to that
woman's house today,

and I learned things about
her husband,fascinating things.

For instance,I t you didn't know
that his hobby was making quilts.

No,I did not,but I wish I had
one of those quilts ght now,

because your little story
here is puttin' me to sleep.

Something happened to me today.

I connected with someone.

- I--I drank tea.
- You hate tea.

I know.Oh!My pie for the wake.

Ok,somebody died,and
you've been included,

so now you're part of the in crowd,

but this-- all right,see,this--
this is not who we are.

We are not "bring people pie" people.

- No,you are not.
- What does that mean?

The other night,you said that
we don't like to socialize

and we don't like to be around
people,and I realized that you're wrong.

You don't like it.I do.

Or at least I did until
you brainwashed me.

Oh,come on.How did I brainwash you?

You seduced me with your siren
song of "let's just stay home.

We can eat naked.

" I don't wanna eat naked.

I wanna go to funerals and wear solemn,

yet sexy dresses like this one.

If you put a napkin on
your lap like I told you,

eating naked is both sanitary and fun.

You know what the bottom line
is?I don't have to be this way.

I'm different from
you.I'm good with people.

I'm good with people.I could
be very charming if I wanna be.

Ok.

This grumpy guy thing,I-it's a routine.

I could turn it on
and off like a switch.

Oh!There's a switch?

Yes.Yes,there's--
there's a switch.

Oh,w-well,where would
this switch be located?

Is it in the basement?

I-is it the mystery switch
next to the garbage disposal?

It is a metaphorical switch...

in my heart that turns on the magic.

Know is I justmet this woman today,

and she has asked me
to sing at the funeral.

And jeff's a freakin'
pallbearer.What are you?

Oh,you don't think I could be
a pallbearer if I wanted to be?

No,I don'T.

All I gotta do is bat my
little cute puppy-dog eyes

and I will be getting pallbearer
invitations all the time.

I will be carrying caskets every
weekend,and I will be strong.

Yeah,that'll happen.

Oh,you know what?It is gonna happen,

because I'm gonna make a little
special visit to a certain widow,

and it's gonna happen right now.

It's the green house across the street.

Helen bauer.

Blueberry.

Hello,helen bauer.

I'm eddie stark from across the street.

I--I believe my wife joy
was here earlier today.

Oh,yes.She's a lovely girl.

Well,it takes one to know one.

Anyway,I baked you a little something.

It's nothing much.

I was just hoping that these blueberries
would help chase your blues away.

That's very kind of you.

Would you like to come in?

Oh,I shouldn'T.Ah,what the hay?

Oh,my.So...

this is where it all happens,huh?

Wow.Looks like you squeezed every
inch out of this mantel here,huh?

Ah,you are stupid with snow globes.

So,funeral tomorrow.

Yes.

- The big day.
- I suppose

It's hard to believe he's gone

All we have left are
his fabulous quilts.

Did charlie make you a quilt?

- Uh,a small one.
- Oh,I'd love to see it.

- Well,I gave it away.
- Oh.

Yeah.N-not by choice.I was mugged...

by a couple of punks...

who loved country crafts.

Anyhoo,um,I was wondering if

if perhaps there was a way I could
help out with the funeral tomorrow,

you know,some kind of,um,final
honor to maybe help transport him...

perhaps with 5 other men.

- Please don't touch my stuff.
- yeah.Ok

What I'm trying to say,mrs.Bauer,

is it would be a great
honor..nay, privilege

if I could be a pallbearer
for charlie tomorrow.

I'm afraid not.

- Please?
- No.

Pretty please?

I'm sorry,chose as pallbearers
all knew charlie very well.

Oh,really?Well,did any
of 'em offer you $100--

- how'd that go?
- Bam!I'm in.I am on the box.

and thus,charlie bauer lives
on in our hearts,in our s huh?

Great eulogy,boss.

Ahh!Thanks.It's-- it's
better than steph's,right?

Absolutely,boss.

Hey,and thanks for
listenin' to both of 'em.

No,thank you.

It's rare that you can just
wander into someone's office

and hear 2 long speeches
about a guy you didn't know...

especially when you're just
tryin' to borrow some tape.

- Oh.
- Hey,fellas.

Listen,jeffy,I need you to step down

and give me your pallbearer spot
to the bauer funeral tomorrow.Ok?

'Ppreciate it.Later,gators.

Wait,wait,wait,wait,wait,wait.

Why?

Well,I went over to the
widow's to get one of the spots,

but,man,she is holdin' on to 'em
like chocolate bars during warme.

Eddie,why do you wanna
be a pallbearer so bad?

'Cause I lied to joy,and I told
her that I was gonna be one,

because for some reason,she thinks that
I'm not charming and I'm not sociable.

Wait a minute.What was
that?What's happening?

Nothing.Nothing.

We were all just caught in your
charming and sociable spell.

What the hell's that supposed to mean?

I think he was being,as we like to say

in the french department,sarcastique.

So what are you saying?That--that
you agree with joy?

Well,eddie,there are--there are certain
things about you that make people...

scared.

How's that?

Well,for starters,you're a big'un.

Normal-sized folks see you comin'
down the street and say,"let's cross.

" And it's not just the height.

He always has this
look like he's,like,mad.

Or...

sad.

And his voice,it's so
low.It's almost like a--

oh,yeah.It's like th eddie,

come on.Say,"I'm calling
from inside the house."

- No.I don't want to.
- Just do it.It'll be cool.

I'm calling from inside the house.

All right.That's enough.

All right,I finished your speech.

You're gonna be the talk of the funeral.

Go on.Read it.

- "When my husband jeff and I--"
- ok,let's,uh,swallow that on up.

And,uh,stand up.Put some life into it.

"When my husband jeff and I first
moved to the neighborhood--" "

- into the neighborhood.
- What?

You said,"to the neighborhood.

" It should be,"into the neighborhood.

" Yeah.That'll make a difference.

It will make a
difference.It's a rhythm thing.

What,crying robot rhythm?

All right,you get one more
about the play.One more.

Ok.Just one question.

Is the robot crying because
he had to read your words?

And that's it.Ok.

Let us continue."Into
the neighborhood" .

"When my husband jeff and I
first moved to the neighborhood--"

all right.You know what?You
are totally tankin'.

You're takin' a beautifully crafted
speech,and you're makin' it sound like crap.

Look,dude,if it ain't on the
page,it ain't on the stage.

Ok.All right.Fine.

You just go ahead and
read yours.I can't wait.

And actually even if you wanted mine
right now,I wouldn't let you have it.

You know what?I'll read yours.

- Really?
- No.

Hi.I'm stephanie taylor-woodcock.

I'm nervous about my singing.

Are you?You wanna go,let's go.

No,eddie.You're a pallbearer.

Oh,he was tiny.5 guys can handle it.

What is a neighbor?

Well,if the neighbor is charlie
bauer,then the "n" is for nice.

"E" is for his electric mower.

Are you crying 'cause of the speech?

Tell me--you're not crying
'cause of the speech,are you?

"H" is for his fishing hat,

even though he wasn't quite
the fisherman he claimed to be.

How is that funny?

Ok,someone explain to me
how that's funny,please.

Shh.

Now we would like to welcome
neighbor joy stark to sing.

Would the pallbearers
please come forward.

Ave maria

Hey,what are you doin'?

Keep quite,Eyes
forward.Lift on my count.

1-- uh,I'm supposed
to be a pallbearer.

I think you're on my handle.

What about you?Why don't
you give up your handle?

I'm his son.

Excuse me.

Hey,there she is.Wow,do
you clean up nice.

I told you there were no more spots.

Oh.Oh,was that a hard no?

'Cause I thought there'd
maybe be a little wiggle room.

Father,have him removed.

You know what?That's unnecessary.I-I'm
gonna bow out gracefully,ok?

I'm sorry.All right.

I know.

- Excuse me.
- Yeah.

I'm richard bauer,charlie's grandson.

You probably don't recognize me.

I used to visit my
grandparents when I was a kid.

Anyway,you were really nice to me.

You used to let me hang out in your
garage and help work on your car.

You even took me out for ice cream.

I did?

Yeah.Just wanted to say thanks.

Wow.I y heart.

Hey,hey,do me a favor.

See that lady in the
black dress over there?

Tell her exactly what you just told me.

I'd be happy to.

So do you still have
that red convertible?

I never had a convertible.

Oh,you know what?Wasn't you.

*****

I can't feel

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