All language subtitles for Redneck.Zombies.1989.1080P.BLURAY.X264-WATCHABLE

- Ooh!
- Son of a bitch.

Get him down the hall, quick.

- So that's her, huh?

- Yes.

Quite a disturbing case.
- And what's the prognosis?

- Our patient seems to be suffering

from an acute effective
paranoid psychosis,

with complications of
schizophrenic melanomic edema.

At least, that's the
preliminary indication.

- Well, there must be some
way to break through it.

What the hell happened up there?

- No one knows, but whatever it was,

it must have been the epitome of horror.

- Well, do we have time for
nine holes before surgery?

- Oh, yes.

Let's play at your club.

Mine doesn't allow Jews.

- Well, what's
your hitting average

these days, Sven?

- I'll go back to 16.

- It's messing with my head,

driving this shit from
one dump to another.

Just don't make no sense.

Can't keep it in Cumberland

because it's too close
to the river, so it's got

to go to Ecomico, where it'll
be too close to the ocean.

Can you believe that, Hoss?

So now, here I am, in the
middle of redneck nowhere,

with a few stripes and a short straw,

playing nursemaid to a goddamn tin can

full of chemical toxic warfare waste.

Oh, shit.

- And the Lord, I said the Lord

has made men equal in his eyes.

We are all brothers and that
is why we must be rid, I say,

must be rid of those who
would disgrace brotherhood.

We must smite the niggers and
chase the crackhead bastards

from off --
- Fuck you.

- Now, let's see, I'm sure
this splotch right here

is that tree right over there.

- I think that splotch is a tobacco stain.

That old man dribbled like
a Harlem Globetrotter.

- Hell, he was missing so many
teeth, it looked like Mr. T

did a workout on his face.

- Well, I pity the fool
who don't cut the bullshit

and find a trail before we die out here.

- Unless you can't find it, Wilbur.

- I'll find it. Don't you
worry none, little lady.

I'm sure that this splotch
is that tree, dickhead.

Which means this scraw
is probably that fence.

Which means the trail is right over here.

Hot damn!

- Hallelujah.

- Hey, don't be singing no
spirituals now, Theresa.

- I'll tell you what, I'll just sing

about redneck white boys
who a pain in they own ass.

- Are we going to stand
here and slap gums,

or are we going to get into
some serious wilderness?

- Well, how about we stay?

- Eat me, Bob.

- No, baby, I don't do that shit.

- I know.

- Come on, let's get a move on

SO we can have camp set before dark.

- All this and brains, too.

- Ugh.

- How are you feeling, Andrew?

- Finer than frog's hair, Wilbur.

- Well, come on, Mr. Clean.

- I don't know why you're always

knocking my personal hygiene.

The odor emanating from
your upper pubic hairs

could knock The Terminator
off a shit wagon.

Maybe you should try some.

I mean, what's it going to do,

make you dissolve or something?

- Think I should?

- Yeah, sure.

Keep it.

Don't worry, I've got plenty.

- Listen, you were just kidding
about my pubes, weren't you?

- Yeah, sure.

Don't worry, anyway,
that'll take care of it.

- Oh, man, I been talking your ears off

and I haven't even offered you a huff.

How about it?

You want to hit a joint?

Just what I thought you'd said.

Here you go.

Shit on a toadstool.

Watch it.

Shit, shit, shit.

Phew, no leaks.

- Get off my land!

Get off my sail.

- Uh, whoa.

Be cool, yo.

I just lost some shit here.

- And I don't need no revenuers

poking around in my business.

Now, get!

- Look here, slim, I just need my barrel.

- Now, what we have here is
a failure to communicate.

- Bitch!

- Do not open 'til Christmas.

Jed, Junior, Jethro, Billy Bob.

- Elly May to you, coon shit.

- Right.

- What did you do to our still?

- Still?

Uh, I didn't shoot your still.

Anyways, it was an accident.

You see, I was walking up the
road and I dropped my gun,

and it went off three or four times.

- You know we promised all the
swill they could drink down

in the valley before you got into town,

and you shot up our still.

So now, I think we're going to have

to use your still to deliver.

- My still?

You want to use my still?

My still ain't no good.

You said so a thousand times yourself.

"Ferd Mertz, your still ain't no good."

- Tell you what, look
what I got for you here.

Brand new still.

One of them European jobs.

Slick.

Look at that.

Sturdy, kick them rims.

Yeah, this still'll work good for you.

And look at that paint job.

Young, fast.

- Does have a nice paint job.

- And all this can be yours,
seeing you need it so bad,

‘cause I'm your friend, Ferd.

- Let's buy it, daddy.

- Well, okay, but if you ever
mess around our still again,

Ferd Mertz, you're going
to be picking buckshot

from where the sun don't shine.

- You mean Antarctica?

- Get!

- Well, the sun don't shine in Antarctica.

All they got down there are
them funny little penguins

and those big polar bears.

Grr!

Ahh!

Scared myself.

- Gee, daddy, why didn't
we shoot that varmint?

- Yeah, we should've
filled him full of holes.

- Yeah, we should've plugerized him.

- Oh, now, come on, boys.

I taught you all better than that.

Just because ol' Ferd's
got polecat shit for brains

don't mean he'd be all bad.

Oh, sure, he do get my
dander up once in a while.

And maybe I do feel like
blowing a hole in his ass.

But he did give us this nice barrel here,

and well, sometimes, you
just gotta do what's right.

Doesn't mean you have to like it.

- Huh?

- Shut up!

You're right, daddy.

- Dang.

That thing's heavier than a cement yule.

Go get our new truck, Billy Bob.

- How many times do I
have to tell you, daddy?

Call me Elly May.

- All right, dag nabit!

Go get the new truck, Elly
May, before I tan your hide.

- Gee, daddy, why does Billy Bob

want us to call him Elly May?

- Well, Junior...

- I'm Jethro, Pa.

- I'm Junior.

- Well, Jethro, your brother's kinda funny

and...oh, nevermind.

I never should've bought that
dang satellite TV anyhow.

- I like that satellite TV.

- Me too.

I like it.

I like Heckle and Jeckle.

- You bitch!

- You boys hurry up with that thing.

We got work ahead of us if
we're going to get that mash

delivered in town by tonight.

Oh, you've been a good
old girl to us, Florey.

But I guess I gotta put you down.

I hate to do it, you know?

But it -- it's like my
daddy used to say to me

before he got run over by that tractor.

Sometimes, life sucks.

Will you boys hurry up?

Now get a move on.

We ain't got all night.
- Jethro, come on.

- Ow!

Oh, my foot.
- Quit your whining, Junior.

- I'm Jethro, Pa.

- Oh, quit your whining anyhow.

Now. get the dang thing opened up.

- What do you suppose is inside, Pa, huh?

- Well, my guess is
that it's either bleach,

iodine, or fertilizer.

- Ooh, I hope it's fertilizer.

I like fertilizer.

- Me too, Pa.

Ow!

- What'd I do?

- Oh, nevermind.

Now, just get the dang
thing opened up, Billy Bob.

- Elly May, daddy.

I asked you nice.

- You're sure weird, boy.

Must take after your
Ma's side of the family.

Now get to work, Elly May.

Wait a minute.

Okay.

- What is it, Daddy?

- Yeah, Pa, what is it?

- Well, uh, it looks like fertilizer.

Smells like iodine with
a piss of bleach in it.

Hmm.

- Maybe it's all of them, Daddy.

- Well, whatever it is,
it better taste good,

because you splattered it
all over the corn squeezings,

you otter ass.

- I'm sorry, Daddy.

- Daddy, Daddy, it's the tobacco man!

Give us some money, Daddy!

- Hurry, Daddy, before he leaves.

- Hold your pants on, boys.

He ain't going nowhere.

Ah.

Here's your money.

And I want you to go ahead,
get some tobacco for my pipe.

- Yeah!

- Hi, Mr. Tobacco Man.

How are you --
- Hi, Mr. Tobacco Man!

- Hi, Mr. Tobacco Man!

- I've been waiting for you, boys.

I've been waiting.

What'll it be today, boys?

I got dip for the gum, snuff for the nose.

I got roll your own smokes
and a new-fangled machine

that rolls them for you.

I even got pellets that
taste like licorice.

Don't have to spit them out.

Just let it dissolve.

Oh, they good.

They good for young ones just like you.

What'll it be, boys?

- Dip, dip!

We want dip and flake for Daddy's pipe!

- All right, boys.

Here's your dip.

All right.

And here's the flake for your
daddy's pipe.

- Thank you!

We love our dip!

- We love our dip.
- Yeah, we do!

- Run along now, boys.

I know you like my dip,
but dark times are coming.

You'll like my dip for a long time.

You'll be loving it just
for the rest of your lives.

Someday, you'll want to stop,
but you won't be able to.

Your gums'll start
hurting, start bleeding.

They'll wear down and show
the bottoms of your teeth.

Then your teeth will fall out.

You'll cry.

But you won't stop.

You'll just keep on dipping and packing,

packing and dipping.

Your mouth will start
hurting, start burning.

It'll grow.

It'll get out of shape.

And you'll go to one of
them big city doctors

and he'll cut half your face off.

Now, it'll happen.

It'll kill you, sorry as shit.

But in your death, it'll
still be in your mouths,

won't it, men?

For your sake, I hope it happens fast.

It's dark times a-coming.

No long wait.

Just around the corner.

You'll see.

You'll see.

- Look, studies prove it.

- No.

- Listen, one ounce has more protein

than a five ounce T-bone.

- Sure.

- It's good for your skin.

It's a natural amphetamine and, uh,

I have it on good authority
that it tastes exactly

like a pineapple daiquiri.

- Okay, I'll try it tonight.

But if I don't like it,
it'll be the last time.

- Yeah!

- Come on, let's take a break.

- I thought you were in a
hurry to get to the campsite?

- Come on, Wilbur.

We're not marching Bataan.

Give us a fucking break.

- Yeah, we don't want to get too tired.

- Well, what do you say
we take a little nap?

- Ooh, what do you say
we take a big nap, baby?

- You know, I understand
you have to exercise

your manly hydraulics.

But, uh, if you ever want
to get to the campsite,

you better come on down the trail.

- What's the matter with
this place, since it's here?

- Yeah, it's an awful lot
closer than anywhere else.

- This place is beaver shit, man!

Besides, the place I'm taking you to

Is nicer than a debutante's
ass shining in the moonlight.

- Yeah, if it's still there.

- I'm sure it's still there.

My dad used to camp there
when he was knee high

to a piss ant.

Besides, that's, uh, where
my dad first nailed my mom.

- Wilbur, who told you that?

- My grandpa.

- Ah, yes, sweet redneck memories.

- Anyway, you're gonna love this place.

It's a dynamite camping spot

and it's got a pond to piss in.

- Oh, sounds wonderful.

- Yeah, when you see it, you'll wonder why

you ever went anywhere else.

- Huh, I'm beginning to wonder
why I ever wanted to go here.

- Oh, blow it out your ass.

- Damn, sure .

- Come on.

We better get going, you know,
before the trees start dying.

- Soldier, front and center, now!

You lost the barrel.

Have you lost your mind?

- Uh, but --

- Do you know what's in that barrel?

- Uh, but --

- Do you know where you lost it?

- Uh, yes, sir.

- Well, Robinson, why
don't you go pick it up?

- Well, sir, there's this fat
redneck elephant with a gun.

I mean, this fat redneck
with an elephant gun.

- Run, son!

Unless you want your ass
hanging in the stockade,

you better get your ass back out there

and get me that barrel.

- Uh, yes, sir.

Can I take tougher men, sir?

- Robinson, for what's in that barrel,

you can take the whole motherfucking army.

Robinson, where's your blouse?

- In the jeep, sir.

- You're a disgrace to
the uniform, Robinson.

Dismissed!
- Yes, sir.

- Well, I'll be damned.

- You said it.

Here it is.

- Well, this is really nice.

- Ground looks comfortable.

- There's nice shade.

- Yeah, and a pond to piss in.

- It looks like
a clay-based sinkhole.

- Come on, let's set up.

- Well, all done, boys.

- Well, gotta go.

- Where are you going?

- I'm going fishing.

- Got worms?

- Yeah, but I'm going anyway.

- Now, wait a minute, boys.

As I seem to recollect, Elly May,

it's your turn to do the delivering.

- But Pal

- Shut up, hog bowl.

- Yeah, possum nut.

- Yeah, turtle, uh...

- But Pa, that's going to take me

all night to deliver all this.

- Quit your belly
aching, Elly May, or else

I ain't going to save any mash for you.

I'm just going to save it for
myself and for your brothers,

and for Ma.

Maybe even some for Porky.

- Shouldn't give any to Ma.

You know that stuff makes her crazy.

- You quit your sassing, boy.

I pulled you out of your mother

and I'll shove you right back in.

Now, you get in that
truck and you skedaddle.

- Yes, Pa.

- And no drinking and driving!

- Yes, Pa.

- Woo!

Shit the bed, this is great, Wilbur!

- See? I told ya.

- But this water sure is cold.

Woo.

And it's deep, too.

- Boy, I'd sure like to
knock the bottom out of that.

- Yeah. Bottom, front, sides.

You never know, she might
turn out to be a nympho.

- One who gets turned on by big campfires.

- Well, I got a log she can start with.

- Ah.

Where's a good place to take a shit?

- Hitchhiker!

Hi.

- Yo.

- Going far?

- Hezekiah's Barbershop.

- Barbershop, eh?

You work in that place?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I work there.

I'm the shaver.

- You give people shaves?

- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Look, look.

See?

- Hey, that's pretty good.

That's good.

You know, I heard about
them new electric shavers.

- No!

No, no, they're no good.

They're no good.

Safety reasons.

We're the best.

Get a real good, close shave.

Hey, you need a shave?

My brother, he gives hair cuts.

He gives them real good.

We'll give you shave
and a haircut. For free.

- Uh, I don't need no shave
or haircut, but I tell you,

if I need one, I'll come right to you.

I got this razor.

- Put that thing away, boy.

- It's a good razor.

- Hey, what -- what you doing?

Hey, cut that -- hey.

Hey, don't do that in my truck!

Holy shit, man!

On!

- You grubby god damn son of a bitch!

You'll never get a free
shave out of me, you asshole!

- That's the last
hitchhiker I ever pick up.

- It's party time.

- Woo.

- Hey.

- Colombian?

- Jamaican?

- Only the best.

New Jersey.

- New Jersey?

- What exit?

- Eleven cases of swill
gone to market, boys.

This still's sure better.

Now's our turn.

- Give me the first drink, Pa.

- Yeah, Pa, let's get loose.

- I'm rolling you a Tennessee torpedo.

- Man, that shit looks like cut grass.

- Boys, I got a deep down feeling

this batch is going to be awful special.

To our new still!

- It tastes like fire, Pal

- Woo!
- Hey, that's bigger

than Lisa's dildo.

- Yeah and five times
the size of your dick.

- Come on, fire it up, man.

- Yeah, let's get naked and smoke.

- Woo hoo!

- I like knockers.

- Yeah, I like knockers, too.

- Somebody's knocking.

- Yeah, I like knockers, too.

- No, shitweed.

There's someone knocking at the door!

- Oh.

Hey, Elly.

- Hey, Smerd.

How you doing?

Got some shine for you.

- Great!

You want to come in and
watch some knockers?

- Uh, no thanks.

I got a couple of my own.

But I'll see you later.

- Okay.

Here, Berd.

- Ah, thanks, Smerd.

- I...I feel funny, Pa.

- I feel a bit strange myself.

- Oh, shit.

Did you treat this weed?

- Only with respect, baby.

- Yeah!

Yeah!

- Aliens!
- Yeah!

- Aliens!

Aliens!

- She says, "Three inches?"

And I said, "Yeah, from the floor."

- I think it's -- think it's
liquor sipping dogs, bro.

- And I just about took a shit myself

when up walks Timothy Leary.

Hey, Wilbur,

couldn't you get something
better than that?

- Hi, Miss Ashley.

- Lamb's sakes, Elly May, I expected

you to be here last night.

- Well, uh, we're a little bit behind

and we got a new recipe.

And, uh -- and it's green.

- I guess that means I get a discount.

- Oh, I don't know about
no discount, ‘cause, uh,

‘cause we built a new still.

- Oh.

- Well, all right this time.

But I'll tell you Elly May, if you're

going to be late like this next time,

I'm going to do my buying from Ferd Mertz.

- Oh, you don't want to buy it from him.

Besides, you'll really like this.

- Okay, here you are, Elly May.

- Thank you.

- Bye, bye.

Fester.

Fester, honey. Look, your bath can wait.

Look what's here.

Look.

Look what we got.

Here.

Here you are, honey.

Look, look, look.

Here you are.

Drink up.

Down the hatch.

- Sally!

Sally!

Sally!

Sally!

- Oh, now, what do we have here?

- Uh, uh --

- Now, now, what's a
little filly like you doing

in a place like this,
alone in the wilderness,

all by yourself in the morning, alone?

- He -- he killed my friend.

- Now, now, now, now, a little
critter probably scared you.

Or maybe you were in shock.

That's it.

Now, the first aid book says about shock,

says the first thing we have to do

is loosen up your clothes.

So here, let me help you
loosen up your clothes.

Now, you just lay down here
and let old Ferd protect you.

- Ahh!

- Jethro, old boy!

How you doing?

Looking, uh, might green around the gills.

Is this yours?

Here.

Phew.

Phew.

Ooh, nelly, just what
I could use. A drink.

Too bad it's this Clemsen jizz.

Oh, mama said not to swear.

Oh, sweet mama, take a bath.

Ooh.

Ehh.

Well, I'll be dipped in hog
snot and perish the thought.

That's their secret ingredient.

Those nasty boys.

Well, at least I don't have
to put a bag over her head

this time.

Don't even think about that.

I really need myself a drink now.

Oh, well. Hope I don't go blind.

- Land sakes!

They got their nerve
lollygagging around all hours

of the morning.

They got a drunk on.

Boy, they got that mash to town.

I'll brown them!

Sorry, Porky.

Didn't mean to scare you none.

You know you don't have
to worry about your bacon

ending up in here.

Not you.

Let's mosey on down to the
still and give them men folk

what for!

- Hey, Andy, where's Sally and Theresa?

- I don't know.

I've been up a half hour
and I haven't seen them.

- What?

What's going on?

- Theresa and Sally are missing.

- Missing?

- Oh, they're not missing.

They just wandered off somewhere.

- Well, maybe somebody
should go look for them.

I mean, they could have gotten lost.

- They're not lost.

Don't know what they'd want to go

off by themselves for anyway.

- Well, maybe they're exploring.

- Maybe they're a couple of damn dykes.

- Oh.

- Sure wish I were a Dutch boy.

- Hey, look, Ben, there's Dad's moonshine.

- Let's drink some.

- We'll get in trouble.

- It doesn't matter.

No one's home and he'll never know.

- All right, so you could drink it first.

- No, I'm not going to drink it first.

You drink it first.

- Are you chicken?

- Jed?

Jethro!

Junior!

Elly!

Where'd them boys go, Porky?

They've been gone since yesterday morn.

Looks to me like they
finished a new batch.

And if'n I'm right, they built
themselves a new still, too.

I'll be dipped.

This sure is some powerful shine.

And it's green.

Jed must've changed the recipe.

If this stuff works like
it smells, Jed and the boys

must be wandering on a bender, they must.

Well, Porky, I think we just
better take this jar home

before we sample it.

Come on, let's go.

- I'm hungry.

And the first thing I'm going to do

when we find these girls is

give Theresa a real good ass chewing

for not fixing breakfast
the way she promised.

- Oh, this is a fine time to
be thinking about breakfast.

They must be pretty far away not

to hear us yelling for them.

- They must really be lost.

You know what's weird?

It's like everything looks
like it's dying around here.

- Well, if they're playing
possum to try to scare us, I...

Oh, Lisa, don't look.

Don't look.
- What?

- Don't look.
- What?

What? What is it?

What is it?

- Oh, God, is that a person?

- It's...it's...

- Let me go, let me go!

- What happened to her?

- Ahh!

- She's dead, man.

She's fucking dead.

- What happened to her head?

What was she fucking doing?

- Maybe that -- maybe that's not Theresa.

- She's wearing fucking designer jeans.

- And that's my t-shirt.

- What happened to her?!

- Maybe it was a bear.

- What is that?!

- What kind of bear would do this, man?

- Holy shit.

- She's nothing
but a fucking stain.

- Oh, God, where's Sally?!

- Oh, Sally, that's right.

We've got to find her!

We've got to find Sally.

- We've got to
bury Theresa.

- Theresa's gone now, but that

doesn't mean that Sally's dead.

You know?

If it was a bear, he might
return to his kill area.

But either way, I don't
think we should split up.

If you want to stay, you stay alone.

So what's it going to be?

- Fuck you, Wilbur,
we're going to bury her.

- Come in.

- Hi, Elly.

Where you been?

What took you so long?

- Sorry, but, uh, we were
running a little late tonight.

And, uh, tell you what, we got
some special stuff this time.

- You stay right there.

I'll have to get some money
and I'll be right back.

- Please help me, please help.

Help me, please.

Please help.

- Here's your money.

- Thanks, Jake.

Here you go.

- Have a nice day.

- Sally!

- Sal!

- Sally?

- Sally!

- Hey, guys, check this out.

Is that a still?

- Huh.

Sure is, man.

They been making mash out
here since time began.

- Oh, man, this is too weird.

You guys do what you want to do.

I'm going over here and
I'm going to freak out.

- Bob, get your shit together.

Look, to hell with this thing.

We have to find Sally.

- Oh, shit.

Shit.

- What is it now?

- Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

- What?

What is it?

- Oh, shit.

It's Sally.

- I'm drinking this shit.

- Are you nuts?

That stuff could kill you.

- Man, this bear
Is getting around, man.

We gotta get out of here.

- Wilbur's right.

If there is a wild bear around here,

we've got to get a move on.

- Let's beat feet.

- I don't think it's a bear.

- What?

- I don't think it's a bear.

- Look, geek --
- Look, blow me, moron.

Listen, this barrel is still warm

and these tracks around
here are still fresh.

If there was a bear
around here, why didn't it

get the owner of this still?

Why aren't there any bear tracks?

- You mean people did this?

- Wilbur, you're the damn mountain man.

Why didn't you figure any of this out?

What are you doing, feeding us
to your cousins or something?

You're setting us up.

That's what you're doing.

You're setting us up.

- Hey, fuck you, Bob.

I haven't been here in 10 years.

- You're setting us up, man.

You killed Theresa and you killed Sally.

Get off!

- Stop it!

Stop it!

- Shut up!

Shut the fuck up!

Look what it says here.

It says, "Caution: US
military chemical warfare

nuclear waste.

Use no hooks."

- You mean these rednecks
are drinking that shit?

- No, I don't think anyone
could be that stupid,

but I think the residue from this barrel

was enough to set things in motion.

Little dab will do ya,
if you know what I mean.

- Better than you think.

- What are you
talking about, Andy?

- Oh, you guys are thick.

Look, there were chemicals in this barrel.

The chemicals got into the moonshine.

You'd think that it would kill them,

but my guess is that it just turned them

into horrible maniacs.

- You mean that this moonshine --

- That's right. Monster mash.

- Ooh.

- Tyrone, I can't believe
you lost that barrel.

I was supposed to go to
the Pink Hippo tonight,

but now my day's ruined
because of your stupidity.

- Fuck you.

- Hey, Ty, we going to
get to shoot anybody?

- There's a distinct possibility.

- You mean there's going to be fighting?

Ty, how could you?

What if I break a nail?

- Fuck you.

- Well, what should we do now?

- Well, that's up to you.

We've got to get the hell out of here.

- Fuck that, man.

I'm not following this
son of a bitch anywhere.

- Stop it, Bob.

- I ain't taking no more of this shit.

Why don't you deal with
your own fucking problems?

- You're my problem, you bastard!

- Stop it.

Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop it!

I don't believe you two.

What the hell is your problem?

We have to stick together,

not try and pull each other apart.

I don't believe this!

We're in the middle of
a crisis situation here

and I'm watching the
battle of the macho jerks!

Well, let me tell you something.

I don't care how macho,
or how strong you are,

it's not going to do one
thing to protect us from this.

Now, Bob, I don't know what
the hell your problem is,

but you better pull it
together if you don't

want to end up as tomorrow's
blue plate special.

And you, you better
come to the realization

that you have been away from home way

too long to know what the
hell's going on around here.

Now, I think we ought to just
turn everything over to Andy,

since he seems to be the
only one of you assholes

who's still thinking clearly.

I am right on the edge
of clawing my eyes out

and slitting my wrists.

Now, Andy, tell me...

What are we going to do?

Oh, no!

- Aah!

- Any more fucking bright ideas?

- Well, we got to do something.

Oh, God, I wish I was home.

There's no place like home.

Toto, Toto!

And your little dog, too!

- Chill out, Bob.

We sure as shit can't stay here, man.

Besides, there might be
more of these things.

Look, there's a mineshaft
over that clearing over there.

We could be safe there.

- Underground?

Underground.

- Come on, let's go.

- Get your shit together.

Give me a hand here.

- What are we taking him for?

- Look, just grab a leg
and I'll tell you later.

Come on.

Pull.

That's it.

- This isn't so bad.

Come on, Toto.

Atta boy.

Come on.

Atta boy.

Heel, heel, walkies.

- Shit.

Shit!

- I got it!

I got it!

Ow!

- What was that?

- It's a hurricane lamp.

- Well, go ahead and light it.

- Ew, this thing's filthy.

Ah, shiny.

Well, we've got light.

- Very good, Bob.

- Okay, now what?

- Bob, do an autopsy on this thing.

- What?

No way!

- Hey, come on, man.

You're pre-med.

- I'm pre-vet!

- What's the difference?

- I do autopsies on cats, man!

- Well, think of it as a big cat.

- All right.

All right.

Out with it.

I'll tell you.

Remember that little bitty bitty
piece of acid I was saving?

- Yeah.

What about it?

- Well, I woke up and I said to myself...

"Bob," I said to myself,
"Bob," that's -- that's me.

"Bob, oh, what a beautiful morning."

And you may not have
noticed this, but I took it.

- Christ!

- I was only going to trip a little bit.

Not a lot, just a little.

I was going to trip over
all the birds and the trees,

and the flowers, and the
insects, and the sky,

and the universe all wrapped
up into one little...

- Are you out of your mind?

This is no time to trip!

- I didn't know this shit would happen.

I mean, who could?

Hm?

Who's laughing?

Stop laughing at me.

- Bob!

I did it this morning.

I thought it'd be over by now.

I thought I was at my highest an hour ago.

But I'm still tripping.

- You know what, man?

- Talk about bad timing.

- Acid.

How can you take that kind of crap?

Damn fool.

- This is just great.

You know, we're not going
to know where to be.

We ought to just leave you here!

- You want to be drugged out

and talking about me, you jerk?

What the hell is going
on in your mind, man?

- But you are going to do this autopsy,

Bob, because we're in an
emergency situation here.

You can't just close your eyes for this.

- You want to bet?

- Wake up!

Now, slice him open.

- But I don't have any instruments.

- Here.

Stop fucking around.

- Hurry!

- Oh, man.

God, this zombie skin is the toughest.

Ew.

Ew, what is in here?

Oh, God.

Oh my god, what -- oh, this...ew.

Yuck.

Ew, yuck.

Ew, yucky, yucky.

Yuck.

What?

What's this?

I don't believe it.

I don't believe -- what in
the -- will you look at this?

I mean, OK, all right.

So what?

It's light, it's less filling, but hey,

it could have been recycled.

I don't believe it.

What else is in here?

Ah.

Where did this come from?

Where do you suppo -- yeah.

Some poor Appalachian man, I think,

Is going around, wandering around

the mountains without a shoe.

Can you believe that he's
going around without a shoe?

What?

Now, what's this?

What's this?

Help.

Ew.

Huh.

Now, how do you suppose
this got in the colon?

I don't, I can't imagine.

Well, you know, I do think it might...nah.

But, ah, hey, hey, now this, I like this.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, ho, ho.

Oh, now this, this I'm
going to keep for myself.

I like that.

What else do we have in here?

Yeah, I think I'm going to climb in here.

Well, no, no, I won't climb in just yet,

but well, look, it's --
believe me, it's big in here.

I mean, it's as big as an
amusement park in here.

I love it.

I love it.

Hey, look!

There's the roller coaster.

That's a roller coaster.

Hey, hey, hey, and
there's the Ferris wheel.

I love it in here.

You guys should look in here.

This is amazing.

I'm telling you, it's amazing.

- All right, here we
have two zombie hands,

which we will call numbers one and two.

And we have two types of
deodorant, which we will

designate types A and B.

Now, what I'm going to do

Is spray zombie hand one with deodorant A.

As you can see, the skin
becomes wet and sticky.

Now, I'm going to spray zombie
hand two with deodorant B.

Ah, my, my, my.

Look at that, huh?

You might notice that the tissue

becomes dehydrated and decayed,

and, uh, and yucky.

Therefore, it's safe to
conclude that the only effective

deodorant against zombies
is one which contains

aluminum chlorohydrate.

It dries them fast and keeps them dry.

- Why only aluminum chlorohydrate?

- How the hell am I supposed to know?

I'm pre-vet, not a chemist.

- This is essential.

We've got Andy's pack.

Arm yourselves.

- What the hell was that?

- I don't know, but it's coming this way.

- Ma?

You're going to kill me, but .

Ma, what happened to Porky?

- Shit.

I'm not going to change this tire.

- Fuck you.

- Man, I just changed these motherfuckers.

- We ran over some bullshit.
- What?

- Fuck you.

Give me a hand, Sherman.

- Here, hold this, asshole.

- Looks like a Ball jar.

- And a safety razor.

Whoa, Ty, check it out.

- It's a native.

Oh, hello!

- Hey, you.

Get over here!

- Oh, man.

That boy don't look right, Ty.

- Yeah.

Halt.

Stop.

Freeze!

Fini, motherfucker.

That's french.

- Oh, he's sick.

Let's take him with us.

- Fuck you.

Shoot him, Sherman.

- Which one?

- Him first.

- Ah, I think I'll just kick his ass.

I haven't tasted redneck in a long time.

- Suppose he got rabies?

- Well, I ain't going
to let the dick bite me.

- Be nice, Sherman.

- Fuck you.

All right, asshole.

Oh, Jesus!

- Hess!

- He probably said something nasty.

- Boss?

- Oh, Ty, this could be fun.

Did you see the movie Deliverance?

Oh, hello!

Water sports, anyone?

Oh, my!

- Fuck you, still!

- Man, we have got to make a plan.

- Yeah, how we're getting
the fuck out of here.

- Look!

- Hey, you kids, run!

- Who the hell is that?
- Get out of here!

There's a bodacious herd of
redneck zombies back there

and they're coming this way!

Oh, shoot!

- Where'd he go?

- I don't know, but I
think we're on our own.

- No.

- Hey, look, there's no hard feelings,

but we got to get out of here.

Oops, too late for you.

- We're gonna kick your fucking ass.

- Are you crazy?

You can go kick them by yourself.

- This is it!

- Come on, I'll kick your
fucking ass, motherfucker.

- Die, you bastards!

Ahh!

- No!

- Ahh!

- Help!

- Come on, Missy.

Dark times is here.

We best be going, yes we do.

We best leave now.

Don't you worry none.

The tobacco man won't hurt you.