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1
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♪♪
2
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Can I get a what's uuuuup?
3
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- Can you get a what?
- No time for pleasantries, Steve.
4
00:00:07,407 --> 00:00:09,207
I've unsleeved the pudding pop.
5
00:00:09,209 --> 00:00:11,133
- [ALL GROAN]
- That's right.
6
00:00:11,168 --> 00:00:13,746
A lot of stuff has been going on
around here without my comment,
7
00:00:13,748 --> 00:00:15,413
and I think it's time to...
8
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ALL: ...tell it like it is.
9
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That's right. I tell it like it is.
10
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I call it like I see it.
11
00:00:21,488 --> 00:00:23,021
Do I pussyfoot around?
12
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:24,088
I can't.
13
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[SLURPS]
14
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It begins now.
15
00:00:27,161 --> 00:00:29,428
Hayley, you know what I'm going to say.
16
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[SIGHS] The bicycle shorts...
17
00:00:30,965 --> 00:00:32,831
The bicycle shorts you wore last week.
18
00:00:32,833 --> 00:00:34,833
I didn't see a bicycle.
19
00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:36,245
Was it a fashion thing?
20
00:00:36,280 --> 00:00:37,702
With a baggy sweater, I-I thought...
21
00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:38,737
It looked bad.
22
00:00:38,889 --> 00:00:41,023
Francine, I saw
on the credit card statement
23
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you got a subscription to master class?
24
00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:45,159
Doris Kearns Goodwin does one...
25
00:00:45,161 --> 00:00:47,896
You're going to become
a DKG-level historian?
26
00:00:47,898 --> 00:00:49,831
That'd be the first time
anyone in this family
27
00:00:49,833 --> 00:00:51,099
followed through on something.
28
00:00:51,101 --> 00:00:53,568
Remember how you all saw
the movie "Nightcrawler"
29
00:00:53,570 --> 00:00:55,103
and you all wanted to
become nightcrawlers,
30
00:00:55,105 --> 00:00:57,706
selling pictures of car
accidents to the news?
31
00:00:57,708 --> 00:00:59,641
How many of you are nightcrawlers now?
32
00:00:59,643 --> 00:01:01,443
We... we could...
we could be nightcrawlers...
33
00:01:01,445 --> 00:01:03,045
Big mistake piping up, Steve.
34
00:01:03,047 --> 00:01:05,847
The other day,
your hair came down into your face?
35
00:01:05,849 --> 00:01:08,250
- No.
- I was getting out of the pool!
36
00:01:08,252 --> 00:01:10,852
You don't have a face where
you can ever let your hair
37
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come forward like that. [SLURPS]
38
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It's your nose.
Just telling it like it is.
39
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Talk to me about hair.
40
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Of all people. Good gracious.
41
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What's that, Son?
42
00:01:20,664 --> 00:01:22,530
Is it a hard truth you're muttering?
43
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Hit me with it. I can take it. [SLURPS]
44
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I said it's funny for you of all people
45
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to criticize someone's hair!
46
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You're bald!
47
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- [ECHOING] Bald... bald...
- _
48
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- Dad? [GASPS]
- Ooh!
49
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Bald! Bald! Bald!
50
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Bald! Bald!
51
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Pretty good Steve impression, huh?
52
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Now do Klaus!
53
00:01:41,818 --> 00:01:43,685
[AS KLAUS] What's up, dudes?
54
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Klaus usually says "bros."
55
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♪♪
56
00:01:48,892 --> 00:01:51,972
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
57
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♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
58
00:01:55,231 --> 00:01:58,433
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
59
00:01:58,435 --> 00:02:02,971
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
60
00:02:04,775 --> 00:02:08,110
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
61
00:02:08,112 --> 00:02:10,845
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
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Aah!
63
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♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
64
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♪♪
65
00:02:18,588 --> 00:02:20,989
There I was,
blasting them with the truth,
66
00:02:20,991 --> 00:02:23,125
one of my best tell-it-like-it-is-es-es,
67
00:02:23,127 --> 00:02:26,394
and Steve just knocks the
wind out of me with... with...
68
00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:27,862
The truth?
69
00:02:27,864 --> 00:02:28,931
Yes.
70
00:02:28,933 --> 00:02:30,999
Ya know, Stan,
to tell it like it is freely,
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00:02:31,001 --> 00:02:33,601
you must remove all your weaknesses.
72
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Baldness is my only weakness.
73
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You know,
there's a hair transplant technique
74
00:02:38,074 --> 00:02:40,274
I read about that's very cutting edge...
75
00:02:40,276 --> 00:02:41,610
hair seeds.
76
00:02:41,612 --> 00:02:43,745
"Cutting edge" is intriguing.
77
00:02:43,747 --> 00:02:45,880
If you did it,
I could arrange to have your new hair
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00:02:45,882 --> 00:02:47,749
styled by none other than...
79
00:02:47,751 --> 00:02:49,417
get ready for this...
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Josay Bosay.
81
00:02:53,490 --> 00:02:55,490
- Who?
- Are you serious?
82
00:02:55,492 --> 00:02:56,758
Josay Bosay?
83
00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:59,494
He's my most celebrated
hair stylist character.
84
00:02:59,496 --> 00:03:00,829
I have never heard of him.
85
00:03:00,831 --> 00:03:03,031
Back in the '70s, Josay gave Rod Stewart
86
00:03:03,033 --> 00:03:06,501
what would turn out to
be his forever haircut.
87
00:03:06,503 --> 00:03:07,836
You know what, Roger?
88
00:03:07,838 --> 00:03:09,904
I will get hair seeds!
89
00:03:09,906 --> 00:03:12,574
I'm so excited, I have to journal!
90
00:03:12,576 --> 00:03:14,843
Is Stan right about us?
91
00:03:14,845 --> 00:03:17,512
We were so excited about
being nightcrawlers.
92
00:03:17,514 --> 00:03:20,248
It's all we talked about in 2015.
93
00:03:20,250 --> 00:03:23,651
But how many times did we
actually go out on the prowl?
94
00:03:23,653 --> 00:03:25,053
Not even once.
95
00:03:25,055 --> 00:03:27,655
Look, did you all like the movie
"Nightcrawler"?
96
00:03:27,657 --> 00:03:29,191
- Yes!
- More than anything.
97
00:03:29,193 --> 00:03:31,459
And do you still think
about it every day?
98
00:03:31,461 --> 00:03:32,861
- Yes!
- Morning to night!
99
00:03:32,863 --> 00:03:35,129
And do you think that taking
pictures of car accidents
100
00:03:35,131 --> 00:03:37,599
and crime scenes seems
like easy, fun money?
101
00:03:37,601 --> 00:03:38,733
TOGETHER: Yes!
102
00:03:38,735 --> 00:03:40,002
Then get out there!
103
00:03:40,004 --> 00:03:42,871
[CHEERING]
104
00:03:42,873 --> 00:03:45,040
No one ever uses the fireman pole.
105
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:47,843
Not even me.
106
00:03:49,579 --> 00:03:51,313
♪♪
107
00:03:51,315 --> 00:03:54,048
With my proprietary
hair seed technology,
108
00:03:54,050 --> 00:03:57,119
giving you a big, beautiful mane of hair
109
00:03:57,121 --> 00:03:59,121
is as easy as one, two, three.
110
00:03:59,123 --> 00:04:02,624
Now, let's take the wig off and
see what we're working with.
111
00:04:04,260 --> 00:04:05,593
I can't do it.
112
00:04:05,595 --> 00:04:07,729
My... head's under there.
113
00:04:07,731 --> 00:04:09,131
I'm right here.
114
00:04:09,133 --> 00:04:13,135
- I'm too nervous!
- What if I hold the other hand?
115
00:04:13,137 --> 00:04:15,003
And now...
116
00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:16,005
[MUNCHING]
117
00:04:16,006 --> 00:04:18,206
I'm a monster.
118
00:04:18,208 --> 00:04:19,941
It's okay, Mr. Smith.
119
00:04:19,943 --> 00:04:23,612
As a professional,
I see this sort of thing every day.
120
00:04:23,614 --> 00:04:25,413
Pamela, bring me some dramamine.
121
00:04:25,415 --> 00:04:27,349
I'm looking at something
that makes me queasier
122
00:04:27,351 --> 00:04:28,951
than any roller coaster.
123
00:04:28,953 --> 00:04:31,353
These hair seeds are gonna go nuclear
124
00:04:31,355 --> 00:04:34,756
when they touch down on
that cueball melon of yours.
125
00:04:34,758 --> 00:04:37,225
Let's gas this Kojak.
126
00:04:37,227 --> 00:04:39,561
I-I thought this was
an outpatient surgery.
127
00:04:39,563 --> 00:04:40,829
Shh.
128
00:04:40,831 --> 00:04:42,598
[DISTANTLY] It's gonna be a breeze.
129
00:04:43,634 --> 00:04:47,101
Stan, things are going very badly.
130
00:04:47,103 --> 00:04:49,171
Your body has rejected the hair seeds,
131
00:04:49,173 --> 00:04:50,839
and something went
nuts with your kidneys.
132
00:04:50,841 --> 00:04:52,774
They swelled up and got very big,
133
00:04:52,776 --> 00:04:54,642
then they shrunk down very small,
134
00:04:54,644 --> 00:04:56,110
then they made a hissing sound,
135
00:04:56,112 --> 00:04:57,846
then they just flat-out vanished.
136
00:04:57,848 --> 00:04:59,447
I saw the whole thing on ultrasound.
137
00:04:59,449 --> 00:05:00,682
I was like...
138
00:05:02,452 --> 00:05:03,852
What does this mean for my hair?
139
00:05:03,854 --> 00:05:05,387
We need a rare double donor...
140
00:05:05,389 --> 00:05:08,056
both a kidney and a hair match.
141
00:05:08,058 --> 00:05:10,792
Fortunately,
I already found the right person.
142
00:05:10,794 --> 00:05:12,794
They're here, they're excited to help,
143
00:05:12,796 --> 00:05:14,596
and they're right behind this curtain.
144
00:05:14,598 --> 00:05:16,064
Looks like Tuttle.
145
00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:17,932
I'm going to insist the
donation be anonymous.
146
00:05:17,934 --> 00:05:19,534
TUTTLE: This is an outrage!
147
00:05:19,536 --> 00:05:20,935
I'm a hero!
148
00:05:20,937 --> 00:05:23,405
Stay behind the screen. It is my wish.
149
00:05:23,407 --> 00:05:25,273
Prep for surgery!
150
00:05:25,275 --> 00:05:28,610
Let's get hairy!
151
00:05:28,612 --> 00:05:30,412
- Aaaah!
- He's dead again?!
152
00:05:30,414 --> 00:05:32,480
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- This is a nightmare!
153
00:05:32,482 --> 00:05:34,349
My anesthesia's not working!
154
00:05:34,351 --> 00:05:36,551
- [SCREAMING]
- My anesthesia's not working!
155
00:05:36,553 --> 00:05:37,953
Shut up! Shut up!
156
00:05:39,423 --> 00:05:41,657
Stan, open your eyes.
157
00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:45,560
It worked.
158
00:05:45,562 --> 00:05:46,828
- [WEAKLY] Hair?
- Oh, yeah.
159
00:05:46,830 --> 00:05:48,963
And it was easy as one, two, three
160
00:05:48,965 --> 00:05:50,264
months in a coma.
161
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:51,299
I was in a coma?!
162
00:05:51,301 --> 00:05:53,101
It's time to remove this towel
163
00:05:53,103 --> 00:05:55,437
and send you out into the world,
164
00:05:55,439 --> 00:05:57,305
a man who has hair,
165
00:05:57,307 --> 00:05:59,107
but no towel.
166
00:05:59,109 --> 00:06:00,775
The fruit...
167
00:06:00,777 --> 00:06:02,277
of the hair seed.
168
00:06:03,247 --> 00:06:05,247
Oh!
169
00:06:05,249 --> 00:06:07,049
Ohh!
170
00:06:07,051 --> 00:06:08,450
Ooh.
171
00:06:08,452 --> 00:06:11,185
I look like the beast from
"Beauty and the Beast"!
172
00:06:11,187 --> 00:06:14,056
Now I get to bring you to Josay Bosay
173
00:06:14,058 --> 00:06:16,058
for your first-ever haircut.
174
00:06:16,060 --> 00:06:18,060
I can't keep my hands out of it!
175
00:06:18,062 --> 00:06:20,528
I love seeing you so happy, Stan.
176
00:06:20,530 --> 00:06:22,597
Anonymous! Anonymous!
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00:06:22,599 --> 00:06:28,070
♪♪
178
00:06:28,072 --> 00:06:31,473
Uh, Stan Smith, here for Josay Bosay?
179
00:06:31,475 --> 00:06:34,176
[EASY LISTENING MUSIC PLAYING]
180
00:06:37,547 --> 00:06:39,013
ROGER: Naughty boy!
181
00:06:39,015 --> 00:06:42,817
Trying to read my unfinished memoirs!
182
00:06:42,819 --> 00:06:45,487
There's some juicy stuff in that memoir.
183
00:06:45,489 --> 00:06:48,290
When Morgan Fairchild
reads what I have to say
184
00:06:48,292 --> 00:06:51,826
about our hot affair,
she's going to be so very angry.
185
00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:53,895
But she gets horny when she's angry,
186
00:06:53,897 --> 00:06:56,765
so more sex for me, right, gorgeous?
187
00:06:56,767 --> 00:06:58,366
[PURRS]
188
00:06:58,368 --> 00:07:00,302
Th... these are scribbles. Not writing.
189
00:07:00,304 --> 00:07:02,570
Oh, I can write. And I can read, too.
190
00:07:02,572 --> 00:07:05,974
I read a book that was one majillion,
but let's talk hair.
191
00:07:05,976 --> 00:07:07,642
I want this haircut to be good.
192
00:07:07,644 --> 00:07:08,644
[LAUGHS]
193
00:07:08,645 --> 00:07:09,978
Rod was nervous, too,
194
00:07:09,980 --> 00:07:12,647
before I gave him that.
195
00:07:12,649 --> 00:07:14,449
Make me look like me.
196
00:07:14,451 --> 00:07:15,717
The most me.
197
00:07:15,719 --> 00:07:21,389
♪♪
198
00:07:21,391 --> 00:07:26,928
♪♪
199
00:07:26,930 --> 00:07:28,997
[CLIPPERS BUZZING]
200
00:07:28,999 --> 00:07:30,865
[SLURPING]
201
00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:32,868
[SCISSORS SNIPPING]
202
00:07:33,938 --> 00:07:35,870
Et voilà!
203
00:07:35,872 --> 00:07:38,272
You just became...
204
00:07:38,274 --> 00:07:39,274
a butterfly.
205
00:07:39,275 --> 00:07:40,942
- I hate it.
- How's that, gorgeous?
206
00:07:40,944 --> 00:07:42,210
It's a horrible haircut.
207
00:07:42,212 --> 00:07:43,878
It's Rod Stewart's forever cut!
208
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,547
It's an out-of-date hair-do.
209
00:07:45,549 --> 00:07:47,081
It's a hair-don't, frankly.
210
00:07:47,083 --> 00:07:48,416
[ALL GASP, SCISSORS CLATTER]
211
00:07:48,418 --> 00:07:50,352
I gotta tell it like it is.
212
00:07:50,354 --> 00:07:52,821
Josay Bosay, you're obviously
213
00:07:52,823 --> 00:07:55,023
nothing but a washed-up dinosaur.
214
00:07:55,025 --> 00:07:57,025
- [GASP]
- He looks horrible.
215
00:07:57,027 --> 00:07:59,027
You look horrible.
216
00:07:59,029 --> 00:08:00,829
We all look horrible!
217
00:08:00,831 --> 00:08:02,965
This fool only knows one haircut!
218
00:08:02,967 --> 00:08:06,368
It's official...
Josay Bosay is finished!
219
00:08:06,370 --> 00:08:08,370
To the hat store!
220
00:08:08,372 --> 00:08:11,573
- [DOOR SLAMS]
- Stan, what have you done?!
221
00:08:11,575 --> 00:08:12,907
I'm ruined!
222
00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:14,977
Josay Bosay is ruined!
223
00:08:14,979 --> 00:08:16,578
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
224
00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:17,712
[CLEARS THROAT]
225
00:08:17,714 --> 00:08:19,514
Hello, Josay Bosay salon,
226
00:08:19,516 --> 00:08:20,949
we're ruined.
227
00:08:22,819 --> 00:08:24,552
♪♪
228
00:08:24,554 --> 00:08:25,554
I need it fixed.
229
00:08:25,555 --> 00:08:27,889
Can the hair artists at Fantastic Sam's
230
00:08:27,891 --> 00:08:29,557
guarantee total perfection?
231
00:08:29,559 --> 00:08:30,892
[ROGER SOBBING DISTANTLY]
232
00:08:30,894 --> 00:08:33,027
I-I'm sorry,
is someone crying on your end
233
00:08:33,029 --> 00:08:35,163
or is that coming from my house?
234
00:08:35,165 --> 00:08:37,165
Several people are crying there,
you say?
235
00:08:37,167 --> 00:08:39,501
- [SOBBING CONTINUES]
- [SIGHS]
236
00:08:39,503 --> 00:08:40,969
[SOBBING]
237
00:08:40,971 --> 00:08:43,105
Pube shapes are hot!
238
00:08:43,107 --> 00:08:46,775
- Josay is no-o-o-ot!
- _
239
00:08:46,777 --> 00:08:48,910
Terrible about Josay, isn't it?
240
00:08:48,912 --> 00:08:50,378
How you destroyed him?
241
00:08:50,380 --> 00:08:51,914
And after he stood by you
242
00:08:51,916 --> 00:08:54,849
during your difficult hairplug recovery.
243
00:08:54,851 --> 00:08:56,118
Klaus, don't interact with me.
244
00:08:56,120 --> 00:08:57,852
I, uh... I... I don't know.
245
00:08:57,854 --> 00:08:59,121
I... I feel weird right now.
246
00:08:59,123 --> 00:09:01,389
You feel guilt, Stan.
247
00:09:01,391 --> 00:09:02,991
No, I think it's just that earlier,
248
00:09:02,993 --> 00:09:04,793
I ate an entire hardshell crab
249
00:09:04,795 --> 00:09:06,260
like it was a softshell crab.
250
00:09:06,262 --> 00:09:08,062
Besides, why would I be guilty?
251
00:09:08,064 --> 00:09:09,397
I was only telling it like it is.
252
00:09:09,399 --> 00:09:12,334
Stan, perhaps
I can tell you like it is...
253
00:09:12,336 --> 00:09:14,869
telling it like it is is mean!
254
00:09:14,871 --> 00:09:17,139
And when you're mean, you feel guilty.
255
00:09:17,141 --> 00:09:18,673
And sometimes...
256
00:09:18,675 --> 00:09:21,743
it feels like you ate
the wrong kind of crab.
257
00:09:21,745 --> 00:09:24,012
Wow. When you put it like that...
258
00:09:24,014 --> 00:09:25,680
Well, so, what am I supposed to do?
259
00:09:25,682 --> 00:09:29,017
Support your friend
by lying to his face.
260
00:09:29,019 --> 00:09:30,352
Reverse all your positions.
261
00:09:30,354 --> 00:09:33,287
Say anything that will
make him feel good.
262
00:09:33,289 --> 00:09:35,890
Klaus, you're a genius and I love you.
263
00:09:35,892 --> 00:09:36,959
You do?
264
00:09:36,961 --> 00:09:38,960
Whoa, lying's easy.
265
00:09:38,962 --> 00:09:40,963
I'm gonna go do it to Roger.
266
00:09:40,965 --> 00:09:42,230
[SOBBING]
267
00:09:42,232 --> 00:09:44,232
- Roger?
- It's Josay!
268
00:09:44,234 --> 00:09:47,435
Look, Josay,
I've been meaning to say how sorry I am
269
00:09:47,437 --> 00:09:48,970
for what happened at your salon.
270
00:09:48,972 --> 00:09:50,973
Former salon. You hated the cut.
271
00:09:50,975 --> 00:09:53,908
Wrong! I love this haircut!
272
00:09:53,910 --> 00:09:56,044
[SNIFFLES] Really?
273
00:09:56,046 --> 00:09:58,046
But the awful things you said...
274
00:09:58,048 --> 00:09:59,647
A misunderstanding.
275
00:09:59,649 --> 00:10:01,115
You called me out-of-date.
276
00:10:01,117 --> 00:10:02,717
Shyeah. Timeless!
277
00:10:02,719 --> 00:10:03,985
What about washed up?
278
00:10:03,987 --> 00:10:06,254
Washed up. Clean, tidy!
279
00:10:06,256 --> 00:10:07,856
Okay, I see that.
280
00:10:07,858 --> 00:10:08,990
And dinosaur?
281
00:10:08,992 --> 00:10:11,526
Like a T-Rex. He's the king, bud.
282
00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:13,461
[LAUGHS]
283
00:10:13,463 --> 00:10:16,198
Talk about your misunderstandings!
284
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:18,332
Now, I'm ecstatic you like the cut,
285
00:10:18,334 --> 00:10:21,203
but if you want to maintain
that electrocuted bird look,
286
00:10:21,205 --> 00:10:23,805
you'll need to apply this constantly.
287
00:10:23,807 --> 00:10:25,607
It's got a strong smell.
288
00:10:25,609 --> 00:10:27,141
What... is this?
289
00:10:27,143 --> 00:10:29,277
A little home recipe I cooked up.
290
00:10:29,279 --> 00:10:30,945
It's starting to sting.
291
00:10:30,947 --> 00:10:32,214
It's very astringent.
292
00:10:32,216 --> 00:10:33,748
That's why I wear the gloves.
293
00:10:33,750 --> 00:10:36,018
It's hair-friendly, not skin friendly.
294
00:10:36,020 --> 00:10:37,886
Well, I... I love it.
295
00:10:37,888 --> 00:10:40,088
You know what? I could sell this.
296
00:10:40,090 --> 00:10:42,090
It could be the key to my comeback.
297
00:10:42,092 --> 00:10:44,158
I think a little's getting in my...
298
00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:45,227
Ow!
299
00:10:45,229 --> 00:10:47,629
I mean... I mean wow!
This is great stuff.
300
00:10:47,631 --> 00:10:50,965
I just have to get people to
love it as much as you do!
301
00:10:50,967 --> 00:10:53,035
If that's even possible!
302
00:10:53,037 --> 00:10:55,637
♪♪
303
00:10:55,639 --> 00:10:57,772
Am I a lucky duck or what?
304
00:10:57,774 --> 00:10:59,708
I put out feelers that I'm interested in
305
00:10:59,710 --> 00:11:02,977
starting my own product line,
wanna spend lots of money,
306
00:11:02,979 --> 00:11:06,180
and I'm immediately contacted
by Roz and Larry here
307
00:11:06,182 --> 00:11:08,383
to be my manufacturing partners!
308
00:11:08,385 --> 00:11:10,652
They're complete strangers,
but they have a nice house,
309
00:11:10,654 --> 00:11:14,056
and that makes me trust
them on a gut level.
310
00:11:14,058 --> 00:11:16,658
Why is the factory closed, again?
311
00:11:16,660 --> 00:11:18,793
Oh, a skunk got in there.
312
00:11:18,795 --> 00:11:20,128
Pissed or whatever.
313
00:11:20,130 --> 00:11:21,463
Well, I'm convinced.
314
00:11:21,465 --> 00:11:25,600
Stan, is this a great idea
or is this a great idea?
315
00:11:25,602 --> 00:11:27,936
Or do you not like it
and think I'm a fool?
316
00:11:27,938 --> 00:11:29,938
Uh, it's... it's great.
317
00:11:29,940 --> 00:11:31,473
- You're great.
- Oh, excellent.
318
00:11:31,475 --> 00:11:35,077
Roz, Larry, here is a check
for the last of my money.
319
00:11:35,079 --> 00:11:37,612
Oh, great, but we can do this later.
320
00:11:37,614 --> 00:11:39,748
- Uhp!
- Uhh! [GLASS SHATTERS]
321
00:11:39,750 --> 00:11:41,883
- [DOOR SLAMS]
- That's a good sign, right?
322
00:11:41,885 --> 00:11:44,218
- Eager to get started?
- Uh...
323
00:11:44,220 --> 00:11:46,554
Stan, they have a very expensive home.
324
00:11:46,556 --> 00:11:48,090
They don't need my money.
325
00:11:48,092 --> 00:11:49,891
I think this is an open house.
326
00:11:50,459 --> 00:11:52,026
Could you both sign in?
327
00:11:52,028 --> 00:11:53,962
So, I've been getting
quite the runaround,
328
00:11:53,964 --> 00:11:56,431
but you're the right person
to help me stop a check?
329
00:11:56,433 --> 00:11:59,567
Well, I wrote a check that
was my entire life savings
330
00:11:59,569 --> 00:12:02,036
made out to cash earlier today,
and I'd like to...
331
00:12:02,038 --> 00:12:04,706
Stop! That! Check!
332
00:12:04,708 --> 00:12:07,241
Okay, thank you so much!
You're gorgeous!
333
00:12:07,243 --> 00:12:09,043
They cashed it hours ago.
334
00:12:09,045 --> 00:12:11,045
[SOBBING]
335
00:12:11,047 --> 00:12:13,181
I'm a fool! A failure!
336
00:12:13,183 --> 00:12:14,983
I know you know it, Stan!
337
00:12:14,985 --> 00:12:17,251
Tell me like it is!
338
00:12:17,253 --> 00:12:19,521
Well, if you must know the truth...
339
00:12:19,523 --> 00:12:21,055
[WHISPERING] No! Keep lying, Stan!
340
00:12:21,057 --> 00:12:22,657
Wuzzat? [SOBBING]
341
00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:23,926
The truth is...
342
00:12:23,928 --> 00:12:25,259
Lie, lie, lie!
343
00:12:25,261 --> 00:12:26,929
Wuzzat?
344
00:12:26,931 --> 00:12:28,930
You're a great hairdresser.
345
00:12:28,932 --> 00:12:30,132
Yes!
346
00:12:30,134 --> 00:12:32,400
[SNIFFLES] Do you really think so?
347
00:12:32,402 --> 00:12:35,069
You're the greatest
hairdresser in the world.
348
00:12:35,071 --> 00:12:38,140
[SNIFFLES] Do you mean the greatest now,
349
00:12:38,142 --> 00:12:39,942
or of all time?
350
00:12:39,944 --> 00:12:42,276
Um... all time.
351
00:12:42,278 --> 00:12:43,946
Including the future, too?
352
00:12:43,948 --> 00:12:45,279
How could I possibly know...
353
00:12:45,281 --> 00:12:46,949
- [SOBS]
- Yes.
354
00:12:46,951 --> 00:12:48,483
Including the future, too.
355
00:12:48,485 --> 00:12:50,952
"The greatest hairdresser of all time."
356
00:12:50,954 --> 00:12:52,286
I have to agree.
357
00:12:52,288 --> 00:12:53,622
You know, I think we're in this mess
358
00:12:53,624 --> 00:12:55,490
because I forgot it's about the hair,
359
00:12:55,492 --> 00:12:57,291
not this facocta product.
360
00:12:57,293 --> 00:12:58,493
[PRODUCT HISSES, MAN SCREAMS]
361
00:12:58,495 --> 00:13:02,164
So, if I want to get back on top...
362
00:13:02,166 --> 00:13:05,968
I need to give Rod Stewart
a new forever haircut!
363
00:13:05,970 --> 00:13:07,635
That's what worked before!
364
00:13:07,637 --> 00:13:10,238
Oh, Rod's gonna be so excited!
365
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:12,374
But I don't know how to
get in touch with him.
366
00:13:12,376 --> 00:13:13,441
Hmm...
367
00:13:13,443 --> 00:13:15,643
Aw, and it was such a good idea...
368
00:13:15,645 --> 00:13:17,980
Oh, man! Lucky duck alert!
369
00:13:17,982 --> 00:13:19,514
- It's a picture of Rod.
- _
370
00:13:19,516 --> 00:13:21,650
I-I can read the squiggles,
371
00:13:21,652 --> 00:13:24,452
but why don't you read them to me?
372
00:13:24,454 --> 00:13:27,255
It says Rod's in town
for the grand opening
373
00:13:27,257 --> 00:13:29,457
of one of his incredible
stew restaurants,
374
00:13:29,459 --> 00:13:32,594
the Art of Stew by Rod Stew-art.
375
00:13:32,596 --> 00:13:36,130
Rod Stewart is the same
person as Rod Stew-art?!
376
00:13:36,132 --> 00:13:37,465
Yum, right?
377
00:13:37,467 --> 00:13:41,603
I can taste those big,
hard carrot pieces already.
378
00:13:41,679 --> 00:13:43,979
_
379
00:13:43,980 --> 00:13:52,414
♪♪
380
00:13:52,416 --> 00:13:55,017
Restaurant opening is
in 15 minutes, Mr. Stewart.
381
00:13:55,019 --> 00:13:56,551
Eh, it's okay.
382
00:13:56,553 --> 00:13:59,388
They can't make the stew without me.
383
00:14:00,624 --> 00:14:03,625
- [GASPS]
- Surprise, Rod-baby!
384
00:14:03,627 --> 00:14:06,094
I'm sure sorry we snuck
into your limo, sir.
385
00:14:06,096 --> 00:14:07,562
I-I love your stews.
386
00:14:07,564 --> 00:14:09,364
Josay Bosay!
387
00:14:09,366 --> 00:14:12,100
Give us a kiss, you cheeky bastard!
388
00:14:12,102 --> 00:14:13,367
Mwah!
389
00:14:13,369 --> 00:14:15,770
Josay, why has it been so long?
390
00:14:15,772 --> 00:14:17,505
Oh, I thought it was
because we were both
391
00:14:17,507 --> 00:14:19,974
after the smashing Victoria Principal...
392
00:14:19,976 --> 00:14:22,777
legs for days, lot of cowlicks,
though, for a woman...
393
00:14:22,779 --> 00:14:26,248
and when she chose me,
I figured it ate you up inside.
394
00:14:26,250 --> 00:14:29,651
Josay, I-I thought
you were a homosexual?
395
00:14:29,653 --> 00:14:30,719
Oh, yeah.
396
00:14:30,721 --> 00:14:32,520
Anyway, Rod, there's not much time.
397
00:14:32,522 --> 00:14:35,189
I'm very impressed by all
the success you've had
398
00:14:35,191 --> 00:14:36,658
with the stew restaurants.
399
00:14:36,660 --> 00:14:37,660
Mmmwah.
400
00:14:37,661 --> 00:14:39,461
What a great new chapter for you.
401
00:14:39,463 --> 00:14:41,863
Speaking of new chapters, I want one.
402
00:14:41,865 --> 00:14:44,266
And what better way for me to have one
403
00:14:44,268 --> 00:14:46,601
than by giving you a brand-new hairstyle
404
00:14:46,603 --> 00:14:48,870
to be revealed at the grand opening
405
00:14:48,872 --> 00:14:51,339
of one of your suburban
stew restaurants?
406
00:14:51,341 --> 00:14:53,675
Seems like a strange plan.
407
00:14:53,677 --> 00:14:56,278
It's not. It's a very good plan.
408
00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:58,413
Just ask Stan. He's on board.
409
00:14:58,415 --> 00:15:01,015
The bloke with the great hair?
410
00:15:01,017 --> 00:15:02,150
That's Stan.
411
00:15:02,152 --> 00:15:04,419
My most supportive friend.
412
00:15:04,421 --> 00:15:06,488
Now, let's get cracking.
413
00:15:06,490 --> 00:15:08,690
Absolutely not, Bosay!
414
00:15:08,692 --> 00:15:10,592
[CHEERING]
415
00:15:12,696 --> 00:15:15,229
Stan, he's not letting me do it!
416
00:15:15,231 --> 00:15:16,231
[CROWD SHOUTING]
417
00:15:16,232 --> 00:15:18,232
Stan, help!
418
00:15:18,234 --> 00:15:21,035
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
419
00:15:21,037 --> 00:15:22,504
[TIRES SQUEAL]
420
00:15:22,506 --> 00:15:24,373
[ALL SCREAMING]
421
00:15:25,442 --> 00:15:28,777
[SIREN WAILING]
422
00:15:28,779 --> 00:15:30,645
Did we just kidnap Rod Stewart?
423
00:15:30,647 --> 00:15:32,180
ROD STEWART: Yes, you did!
424
00:15:32,182 --> 00:15:33,548
Okay, that's one vote.
425
00:15:35,418 --> 00:15:37,018
♪♪
426
00:15:37,614 --> 00:15:38,887
MEMPHIS: Greg, here's what we know...
427
00:15:38,889 --> 00:15:41,823
We know Rod Stewart's
limousine was hijacked
428
00:15:41,825 --> 00:15:44,359
at the opening of his
new stew restaurant.
429
00:15:44,361 --> 00:15:48,497
We know his stews are really flavorful,
very rich.
430
00:15:48,499 --> 00:15:50,098
We know Rod Stewart is...
431
00:15:50,100 --> 00:15:51,833
I want to say Australian?
432
00:15:51,835 --> 00:15:54,503
As you can see,
the police have them well-surrounded.
433
00:15:54,505 --> 00:15:56,104
I imagine whoever is in there
434
00:15:56,106 --> 00:15:59,107
cannot feel too good
about their prospects.
435
00:15:59,109 --> 00:16:00,709
- [SIRENS WAILING]
- I'm feeling good about this.
436
00:16:00,711 --> 00:16:03,111
Let's cut your hair and
become fabulous together.
437
00:16:03,113 --> 00:16:04,245
Again.
438
00:16:04,247 --> 00:16:06,315
Josay, please stop the limo.
439
00:16:06,317 --> 00:16:08,183
I'm scared for all our lives.
440
00:16:08,185 --> 00:16:09,651
STAN: Roger,
what's happening back there?
441
00:16:09,653 --> 00:16:12,053
The headline is "I'm feeling good."
442
00:16:12,055 --> 00:16:13,454
Rod's warming up.
443
00:16:13,456 --> 00:16:15,524
His eyes aren't doing
as much fearful darting.
444
00:16:15,526 --> 00:16:17,192
Few more laps around the ol' highway
445
00:16:17,194 --> 00:16:18,393
and I think he'll let me cut him.
446
00:16:18,395 --> 00:16:20,061
ROD STEWART: Oh, dear.
447
00:16:20,063 --> 00:16:22,464
[SIRENS WAILING]
448
00:16:23,534 --> 00:16:26,601
And here they come to
get their pictures,
449
00:16:26,603 --> 00:16:28,937
those disgusting, scum-sucking...
450
00:16:28,939 --> 00:16:30,805
nightcrawlers!
451
00:16:30,807 --> 00:16:33,542
If the kidnappers are a
bunch of babes with big ones,
452
00:16:33,544 --> 00:16:35,810
we could be looking at 50 Gs.
453
00:16:35,812 --> 00:16:38,479
- Yeahhh.
- We gotta get closer.
454
00:16:38,481 --> 00:16:40,014
If Rod Stewart is killed
455
00:16:40,016 --> 00:16:41,616
and we're not there to get the picture,
456
00:16:41,618 --> 00:16:44,853
well, then, are we even
loathsome nightcrawlers at all?
457
00:16:48,024 --> 00:16:49,624
Could be a shootout.
458
00:16:49,626 --> 00:16:52,427
Might crash. Might fireball. Yeah.
459
00:16:52,429 --> 00:16:54,095
Might fireball, boom. Boom!
460
00:16:54,097 --> 00:16:56,698
Look! We can get from the
off-ramp to the on-ramp,
461
00:16:56,700 --> 00:16:59,500
blow right past the police line.
462
00:16:59,502 --> 00:17:01,702
[SCREAMING] Fireball!
463
00:17:01,704 --> 00:17:04,305
Punch it, punch it,
punch it, yeah, yeah!
464
00:17:04,307 --> 00:17:05,506
Nowwww...
465
00:17:05,508 --> 00:17:06,641
Punch it!
466
00:17:06,643 --> 00:17:08,843
- Noooo!
- You said punch it!
467
00:17:08,845 --> 00:17:10,979
The last one I switched
it to mean brake!
468
00:17:10,981 --> 00:17:12,514
Punch the brake!
469
00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:17,586
OFFICER BLATT:
Those gotdamt nightcrawlers!
470
00:17:17,588 --> 00:17:20,055
GREG: Nightcrawlers,
desperate for magic footage
471
00:17:20,057 --> 00:17:22,591
of a celebrity death,
have caused an accident.
472
00:17:22,593 --> 00:17:25,460
Their pursuit of senselessly
gratuitous coverage
473
00:17:25,462 --> 00:17:28,797
sickens me to the very core
of my journalistic integrity.
474
00:17:28,799 --> 00:17:31,266
- Should we cut the feed?
- Don't be a nitwit.
475
00:17:31,268 --> 00:17:33,001
What if there's a fireball?
476
00:17:33,003 --> 00:17:35,670
[SIRENS WAILING]
477
00:17:35,672 --> 00:17:38,407
Rod, pleeeeease!
478
00:17:38,409 --> 00:17:40,008
No!
479
00:17:40,010 --> 00:17:41,209
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
480
00:17:41,211 --> 00:17:42,077
[GRUNTS]
481
00:17:42,079 --> 00:17:43,211
Bla-dow!
482
00:17:43,213 --> 00:17:45,814
[AIR HISSING]
483
00:17:45,816 --> 00:17:49,550
[SIREN CHIRPS, RADIO CHATTER]
484
00:17:49,552 --> 00:17:51,953
It's time to give up!
485
00:17:51,955 --> 00:17:53,822
♪♪
486
00:17:53,824 --> 00:17:55,690
Oh, good, you're coming back.
487
00:17:55,692 --> 00:17:57,959
I forgot to tell you,
Roz and Larry reached out.
488
00:17:57,961 --> 00:18:00,829
It was a misunderstanding,
but to get me my money back,
489
00:18:00,831 --> 00:18:02,631
they needed my social security number.
490
00:18:02,633 --> 00:18:03,898
Great news, right?
491
00:18:03,900 --> 00:18:05,166
Shut up! Shut your mouth!
492
00:18:05,168 --> 00:18:07,769
- [GASPS]
- I felt guilty and I overcorrected,
493
00:18:07,771 --> 00:18:10,571
but all this lying to be nice
has made everything terrible!
494
00:18:11,036 --> 00:18:12,841
Terrible? In what way?
495
00:18:12,843 --> 00:18:16,044
I have no choice now but
to tell you like it is.
496
00:18:16,046 --> 00:18:20,048
Only this time,
I'm going to try to add in...
497
00:18:20,050 --> 00:18:21,450
some kindness.
498
00:18:21,452 --> 00:18:22,651
Okay.
499
00:18:22,653 --> 00:18:24,585
I'm scared, but I'm ready.
500
00:18:24,587 --> 00:18:25,854
[INHALES DEEPLY]
501
00:18:25,856 --> 00:18:27,188
You're an ass.
502
00:18:27,190 --> 00:18:30,258
Your mind is an explosive
source of shitty ideas,
503
00:18:30,260 --> 00:18:31,592
and all to do what?
504
00:18:31,594 --> 00:18:33,795
Revive a career that didn't
matter to begin with?
505
00:18:33,797 --> 00:18:35,797
You're a terrible stylist.
506
00:18:35,799 --> 00:18:37,799
Aside from a total lack of taste,
507
00:18:37,801 --> 00:18:39,935
you're also just not a good haircutter,
508
00:18:39,937 --> 00:18:41,136
on a craftsman level.
509
00:18:41,138 --> 00:18:42,403
Scissor skills are zero.
510
00:18:42,405 --> 00:18:43,872
Everyone knows you're illiterate,
511
00:18:43,874 --> 00:18:46,541
so it's excruciating when you
keep showing people your book,
512
00:18:46,543 --> 00:18:49,010
or pretend to sit down
with that big quill pen.
513
00:18:49,012 --> 00:18:51,079
- Your breath...
- The... the kindness, please?
514
00:18:51,081 --> 00:18:52,814
When is it? When is it?!
515
00:18:52,816 --> 00:18:55,216
- [TENDER MUSIC PLAYS]
- You...
516
00:18:55,218 --> 00:18:59,020
make me feel bad when I say how
awful you are at everything.
517
00:18:59,022 --> 00:19:02,223
Because you're nice to me. [SIGHS]
518
00:19:02,225 --> 00:19:05,894
You make me wish I thought
you were a better man.
519
00:19:05,896 --> 00:19:07,095
Wow.
520
00:19:07,097 --> 00:19:08,297
Yeah.
521
00:19:08,299 --> 00:19:09,498
But you're not.
522
00:19:09,500 --> 00:19:12,033
Sweet Maggie May,
523
00:19:12,035 --> 00:19:15,303
both of you are trying so hard
to change, to grow.
524
00:19:15,305 --> 00:19:18,507
And maybe I've been
stuck in a rut myself.
525
00:19:18,509 --> 00:19:20,709
Josay... let's do it.
526
00:19:20,711 --> 00:19:23,512
This has been a long time coming,
Roddy-boy.
527
00:19:23,514 --> 00:19:26,447
Eh, the haircut. L-Let's do the haircut.
528
00:19:26,449 --> 00:19:27,916
I'm horny for that, too.
529
00:19:27,918 --> 00:19:30,251
Seems like someone should sing...
530
00:19:30,253 --> 00:19:32,053
I hadn't prepared...
531
00:19:32,055 --> 00:19:34,523
It's me!
532
00:19:34,525 --> 00:19:38,459
♪ With that hair, you look a fool ♪
533
00:19:38,461 --> 00:19:42,197
♪ But with this cut,
you could be cool ♪
534
00:19:42,199 --> 00:19:44,533
♪ You'll appear young ♪
535
00:19:44,535 --> 00:19:46,535
♪ You'll appear young ♪
536
00:19:46,537 --> 00:19:48,669
♪ Basically young ♪
537
00:19:48,671 --> 00:19:50,805
♪ Basically young ♪
538
00:19:50,807 --> 00:19:53,208
♪ More or less young ♪
539
00:19:53,210 --> 00:19:55,476
♪ In the right light ♪
540
00:19:55,478 --> 00:19:58,947
♪ If they don't get too close ♪
541
00:19:58,949 --> 00:20:03,218
♪ You'll appear yoooooung ♪
542
00:20:03,220 --> 00:20:05,621
[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]
543
00:20:14,231 --> 00:20:16,497
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
544
00:20:16,499 --> 00:20:18,033
They kidnapped Rod!
545
00:20:18,035 --> 00:20:19,368
Murder them!
546
00:20:19,370 --> 00:20:26,041
♪♪
547
00:20:26,043 --> 00:20:27,043
[RECORD SCRATCH]
548
00:20:27,044 --> 00:20:30,045
It's... it's not Rod Stewart.
549
00:20:30,047 --> 00:20:33,648
It's some old skeleton with a
different out-of-date haircut.
550
00:20:33,650 --> 00:20:35,316
ROGER: It's the Clooney!
551
00:20:35,318 --> 00:20:37,118
Rod Stewart isn't here!
552
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:39,254
And maybe he never even existed!
553
00:20:39,256 --> 00:20:40,655
Let's go home!
554
00:20:40,657 --> 00:20:42,591
[TIRES SQUEAL]
555
00:20:44,261 --> 00:20:47,062
Rod, you may have noticed
some similarities
556
00:20:47,064 --> 00:20:48,863
between the song I sang in the limo
557
00:20:48,865 --> 00:20:50,799
and your song "Forever Young".
558
00:20:50,801 --> 00:20:52,801
- ROD STEWART: Yeah, kind of.
- STAN: Great.
559
00:20:52,803 --> 00:20:55,136
Then you'll understand
why I'm suing you.
560
00:20:55,138 --> 00:20:58,206
♪♪
561
00:20:58,208 --> 00:21:00,175
Have a great night!
562
00:21:02,212 --> 00:21:04,046
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
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