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1
00:00:02,750 --> 00:00:04,522
Man, I love weekdays.
2
00:00:04,557 --> 00:00:06,204
I know, right?
3
00:00:06,668 --> 00:00:08,651
The weekends are all "go, go, go."
4
00:00:08,653 --> 00:00:11,920
I need five full days to just chill.
5
00:00:11,922 --> 00:00:13,255
[CELLPHONE RINGS]
6
00:00:13,257 --> 00:00:13,957
Hello?
7
00:00:14,023 --> 00:00:16,458
ROGER: Francine,
I'm having a character emergency.
8
00:00:16,460 --> 00:00:18,394
There's a small,
brown bag in the fridge.
9
00:00:18,396 --> 00:00:21,597
I need you to bring it to
1466 Hemlock Street right now.
10
00:00:21,599 --> 00:00:25,734
Ooh, Roger wants me to
deliver a creepy package
11
00:00:25,736 --> 00:00:27,003
to one of his characters.
12
00:00:27,005 --> 00:00:29,005
I can't wait to see what he's up to.
13
00:00:29,007 --> 00:00:32,008
I bet it's, like,
a bunch of human anuses
14
00:00:32,010 --> 00:00:34,410
he's gonna dump into the
fountain at the mall.
15
00:00:34,412 --> 00:00:35,744
Ooh, ya think?
16
00:00:35,746 --> 00:00:38,181
I swim in that fountain sometimes.
17
00:00:39,083 --> 00:00:41,483
There it is. Gimme, gimme.
18
00:00:41,485 --> 00:00:43,485
Just carrots?
19
00:00:43,487 --> 00:00:46,422
Unless that's something fun
20
00:00:46,424 --> 00:00:49,491
like toddler fingers
covered in Cheeto dust?
21
00:00:49,493 --> 00:00:50,659
Yeah, right.
22
00:00:50,727 --> 00:00:52,829
Naomi Carcaterra doesn't
have the metabolism
23
00:00:52,831 --> 00:00:54,496
the other gals in the office do.
24
00:00:54,498 --> 00:00:56,965
We're doing ice-cream
cake for Jill's birthday,
25
00:00:56,967 --> 00:00:58,767
and I want to fill up
on something healthy
26
00:00:58,769 --> 00:01:00,036
so I'm not tempted.
27
00:01:00,038 --> 00:01:03,505
You had me come all the
way out here for this?
28
00:01:03,507 --> 00:01:05,107
This is so unlike you.
29
00:01:05,109 --> 00:01:07,376
This is so... boring.
30
00:01:07,378 --> 00:01:09,712
Boring? [LAUGHS] No, no, no.
31
00:01:09,714 --> 00:01:11,714
Naomi can curl her tongue.
32
00:01:11,716 --> 00:01:14,182
Look. Doesn't it look like a taco?
33
00:01:14,184 --> 00:01:16,085
I think it looks like a taco.
34
00:01:16,654 --> 00:01:19,121
♪♪
35
00:01:19,123 --> 00:01:21,724
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
36
00:01:21,726 --> 00:01:25,461
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
37
00:01:25,463 --> 00:01:28,664
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
38
00:01:28,666 --> 00:01:33,269
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
39
00:01:35,005 --> 00:01:38,340
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
40
00:01:38,342 --> 00:01:41,077
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
41
00:01:41,079 --> 00:01:42,111
Aah!
42
00:01:43,281 --> 00:01:46,816
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
43
00:01:49,119 --> 00:01:50,453
Good news, everybody.
44
00:01:50,455 --> 00:01:52,188
The doctors figured out
why you're seeing birds
45
00:01:52,190 --> 00:01:54,056
when there aren't any birds around?
46
00:01:54,058 --> 00:01:55,257
Better.
47
00:01:55,259 --> 00:01:57,860
They mailed us the
tickets for our cruise.
48
00:01:57,862 --> 00:01:59,595
Hot damn. We're really doing it.
49
00:01:59,597 --> 00:02:02,598
- Alright!
- Unh, big boat time!
50
00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:05,001
It says they recently
converted their infirmary
51
00:02:05,003 --> 00:02:06,935
to a Teen Hang Zone.
52
00:02:06,937 --> 00:02:08,070
Oh, hell yeah.
53
00:02:08,072 --> 00:02:10,339
I dominate in international waters.
54
00:02:10,341 --> 00:02:12,408
I got the skimpiest little
teal bathing suit...
55
00:02:12,410 --> 00:02:14,343
Little teal bathing suit. Yes.
56
00:02:14,345 --> 00:02:16,078
How does Hayley do the high seas?
57
00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:18,480
No food, no water.
58
00:02:18,482 --> 00:02:20,817
Piña coladas only.
59
00:02:20,819 --> 00:02:22,751
You know what I'm looking forward to?
60
00:02:22,753 --> 00:02:25,021
Swimming in a pool with 30 people
61
00:02:25,023 --> 00:02:26,755
who have active diarrhea.
62
00:02:26,757 --> 00:02:28,891
F'ing "A," we're doing a cruise.
63
00:02:28,893 --> 00:02:31,427
- Whoo!
- Yeah-ha-ha!
64
00:02:31,429 --> 00:02:33,762
What's for dinner?
I'll just take a nibble.
65
00:02:33,764 --> 00:02:35,964
Ate an entire ice-cream cake today.
66
00:02:35,966 --> 00:02:37,900
Well, look who it is.
67
00:02:37,902 --> 00:02:39,836
Would you believe this bum had me drive
68
00:02:39,838 --> 00:02:42,238
all the way out to Chimdale Acres
69
00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:45,574
just to bring carrots to
some boring-ass character?
70
00:02:45,576 --> 00:02:47,243
Wow, Chimdale Acres?
71
00:02:47,245 --> 00:02:49,445
No one ever goes out there,
unless, of course,
72
00:02:49,447 --> 00:02:51,647
you're looking for the best
trade-in price for your Toyota,
73
00:02:51,649 --> 00:02:54,050
Nissan, or anything
from the Chrysler family.
74
00:02:54,052 --> 00:02:57,253
Well, sadly, I wasn't out
there to get an unbeatable deal
75
00:02:57,255 --> 00:02:59,388
from Carruthers Auto Mall, Steve.
76
00:02:59,390 --> 00:03:03,726
Instead, I was experiencing one
of Roger's lamest personas yet.
77
00:03:03,728 --> 00:03:05,394
What? Naomi's great.
78
00:03:05,396 --> 00:03:08,330
She's thinking about joining Costco.
79
00:03:08,332 --> 00:03:09,465
Naomi?
80
00:03:09,467 --> 00:03:10,933
In Costco?
81
00:03:10,935 --> 00:03:12,801
I mean, come on.
82
00:03:12,803 --> 00:03:14,336
What happened, Roger?
83
00:03:14,338 --> 00:03:17,005
The beauty of my characters
is their diversity.
84
00:03:17,007 --> 00:03:18,674
They can't all be serial killers.
85
00:03:18,676 --> 00:03:22,478
Your last serial-killer persona
never even killed anyone.
86
00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:25,213
He got sidetracked going to
estate sales in the desert.
87
00:03:25,215 --> 00:03:28,617
People are basically giving
away turquoise out there.
88
00:03:28,619 --> 00:03:29,952
Wow, Roger.
89
00:03:29,954 --> 00:03:31,954
Have you lost your edge?
90
00:03:31,956 --> 00:03:33,422
How dare you?
91
00:03:33,424 --> 00:03:35,758
I'm the same old Roger I've always been.
92
00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:37,093
I don't know.
93
00:03:37,095 --> 00:03:39,295
You were just Ricky
Spanish for a whole week,
94
00:03:39,297 --> 00:03:41,363
and you spent the entire
time on the computer,
95
00:03:41,365 --> 00:03:44,032
quietly rating movies on IMDb.
96
00:03:44,034 --> 00:03:45,568
You've clearly lost something.
97
00:03:45,570 --> 00:03:48,304
I haven't lost anything,
and I'll prove it to you.
98
00:03:48,306 --> 00:03:50,172
[CRYING]
99
00:03:50,174 --> 00:03:53,242
Man, he really took the
air out of this dinner.
100
00:03:53,244 --> 00:03:55,244
You know what'll steer us back?
101
00:03:56,046 --> 00:03:57,646
♪ Little teal ♪
102
00:03:57,648 --> 00:04:00,449
♪ Bathing suit,
bathing suit, bathing suit ♪
103
00:04:00,451 --> 00:04:02,184
- Whoo! Oh, yeah.
- Whoo! Whoo-hoo!
104
00:04:02,186 --> 00:04:03,820
- Yeah! I made him.
- ♪ Little teal bathing suit ♪
105
00:04:07,425 --> 00:04:08,357
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
106
00:04:08,359 --> 00:04:10,492
Told ya I haven't lost it.
107
00:04:10,494 --> 00:04:13,162
I just pulled off the
world's greatest heist.
108
00:04:13,164 --> 00:04:16,365
Behold the "Mona Lisa."
109
00:04:16,367 --> 00:04:19,902
What the? Dr. Slippy's Boner Grease-a?
110
00:04:19,904 --> 00:04:21,971
Aah, my partner set me up!
111
00:04:21,973 --> 00:04:24,106
Or, I'm not an art expert,
112
00:04:24,108 --> 00:04:26,809
but is this the "Mona Lisa"?
113
00:04:27,912 --> 00:04:29,579
Aaaah!
114
00:04:29,581 --> 00:04:30,780
Roger, what is it?
115
00:04:30,782 --> 00:04:33,182
Meet Winston Equity III.
116
00:04:33,184 --> 00:04:35,517
I found a bunch of guys who
look kind of like Vin Diesel
117
00:04:35,519 --> 00:04:38,254
and set up a
"Boiler Room"-style brokerage firm.
118
00:04:38,256 --> 00:04:41,190
Now we're about to get rich
to the tune of... wait.
119
00:04:41,192 --> 00:04:43,593
IT hasn't set up our computers yet?
120
00:04:43,595 --> 00:04:45,795
We haven't made or lost any money!
121
00:04:45,797 --> 00:04:47,597
Aaah!
122
00:04:47,599 --> 00:04:49,465
I'm Mike Microscope,
123
00:04:49,467 --> 00:04:52,134
and I figured out how to clone people.
124
00:04:52,136 --> 00:04:54,203
- Feast your eyes.
- Nice try.
125
00:04:54,205 --> 00:04:56,071
I've already seen the Vin Diesels.
126
00:04:56,073 --> 00:04:58,874
Damn it. Personas are hard.
127
00:04:58,876 --> 00:05:01,543
♪♪
128
00:05:01,545 --> 00:05:04,746
Hey, whatever happened with
your girlfriend from the museum?
129
00:05:04,748 --> 00:05:08,050
The old lady?
I still haven't broken up with her.
130
00:05:08,052 --> 00:05:09,085
I know, I know.
131
00:05:09,087 --> 00:05:10,286
I-I just really feel like
132
00:05:10,288 --> 00:05:13,555
natural causes are gonna bail me out.
133
00:05:13,557 --> 00:05:15,891
Welp, time to face the music.
134
00:05:15,893 --> 00:05:17,226
My personas stink,
135
00:05:17,228 --> 00:05:19,895
and I can't pull off
wacky shenanigans anymore.
136
00:05:19,897 --> 00:05:21,964
I really have lost my edge.
137
00:05:21,966 --> 00:05:25,034
Oh, I'm sorry I was so right.
138
00:05:25,036 --> 00:05:26,836
Is there anything I can do to help?
139
00:05:26,838 --> 00:05:30,440
Well, I got 9,000 uninspired
years before I die,
140
00:05:30,442 --> 00:05:34,444
so just humor me and my dull personas.
141
00:05:34,446 --> 00:05:37,579
Maybe take a little girl...
whose only noteworthy quality
142
00:05:37,581 --> 00:05:39,248
is her ability to chew raisins
143
00:05:39,250 --> 00:05:41,050
very thoroughly... to the park.
144
00:05:41,052 --> 00:05:44,253
Of course.
145
00:05:44,255 --> 00:05:46,588
Well, now that I'm all alone,
146
00:05:46,590 --> 00:05:49,325
I can drink the grease directly
out of the pepperoni cups
147
00:05:49,327 --> 00:05:51,861
without a single iota of shame.
148
00:05:51,863 --> 00:05:53,863
[DOOR OPENS]
149
00:05:53,865 --> 00:05:56,065
You're disgusting.
150
00:05:56,067 --> 00:05:58,868
Noooooooo!
151
00:06:01,472 --> 00:06:05,675
Mm, I'm really
pulverizing these raisins.
152
00:06:05,677 --> 00:06:07,276
It's probably nothing,
153
00:06:07,278 --> 00:06:10,012
but I feel like
everyone's looking at us.
154
00:06:10,014 --> 00:06:11,480
You're crazy.
155
00:06:11,482 --> 00:06:15,284
Oh, my God, it's little Bonnie Ramirez.
156
00:06:15,286 --> 00:06:17,152
That is her, the pageant girl
157
00:06:17,154 --> 00:06:19,088
who went missing three years ago.
158
00:06:19,090 --> 00:06:23,359
Bonnie's alive,
and that woman kidnapped her.
159
00:06:23,361 --> 00:06:26,696
Yes, it is me, little Bonnie Ramirez.
160
00:06:26,698 --> 00:06:31,033
Someone please free
me from this monster.
161
00:06:31,035 --> 00:06:33,703
Roger, what the hell is going on?
162
00:06:33,705 --> 00:06:36,838
Decided to dust off an old
chestnut to teach you a lesson.
163
00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:40,176
You're about to be charged
with child abduction.
164
00:06:43,047 --> 00:06:45,447
Who's lost their edge now, you perv?
165
00:06:45,449 --> 00:06:48,484
WOMAN: That poor, confident little girl.
166
00:06:49,483 --> 00:06:51,555
NARRATOR:
Tonight on "Unsolved Mysteries:
167
00:06:51,646 --> 00:06:57,326
The New Class,"
an Iowa woman is just gone,
168
00:06:57,328 --> 00:06:59,862
and a little boy who can draw Manny
169
00:06:59,864 --> 00:07:01,930
from "Modern Family" perfectly,
170
00:07:01,932 --> 00:07:05,334
even though he's never
heard of the show.
171
00:07:05,336 --> 00:07:08,404
Could something supernatural be at play?
172
00:07:08,406 --> 00:07:12,208
But first, we have
an "Unsolved Mysteries" update.
173
00:07:12,210 --> 00:07:15,944
Three years ago, child-pageant queen
174
00:07:15,946 --> 00:07:18,347
Bonnie Ramirez went missing.
175
00:07:18,349 --> 00:07:22,418
With no clues left behind,
Bonnie was gone forever.
176
00:07:22,420 --> 00:07:25,954
Until this week,
when she was spotted at the park
177
00:07:25,956 --> 00:07:29,758
with a woman going by Francine Smith.
178
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:32,094
Authorities believe Smith has been
179
00:07:32,096 --> 00:07:35,698
holding little Bonnie
captive this entire time.
180
00:07:35,700 --> 00:07:37,834
Smith is now in police custody
181
00:07:37,836 --> 00:07:40,636
and scheduled for trial this week.
182
00:07:40,638 --> 00:07:43,840
And additionally,
to the growing number of viewers
183
00:07:43,842 --> 00:07:48,044
posting online that I'm the
one kidnapping all these kids,
184
00:07:48,046 --> 00:07:50,680
see? Not me.
185
00:07:53,317 --> 00:07:55,384
Your mother's obviously gonna be fine.
186
00:07:55,386 --> 00:07:58,187
This is just some silly
feud between her and Roger.
187
00:07:58,189 --> 00:08:01,257
But I do have one concern... the cruise.
188
00:08:01,259 --> 00:08:02,925
We were supposed to go this week.
189
00:08:02,927 --> 00:08:04,993
And I'd argue we still should.
190
00:08:04,995 --> 00:08:08,464
A trial like this can't be easy
on the family of the accused.
191
00:08:08,466 --> 00:08:10,266
I think we deserve a getaway.
192
00:08:10,268 --> 00:08:12,268
We'd be back before the verdict.
193
00:08:12,270 --> 00:08:14,002
- I'm in.
- Wonderful.
194
00:08:14,004 --> 00:08:15,804
There is just one more issue.
195
00:08:15,806 --> 00:08:18,407
Your mom purchased the
cruise in her name,
196
00:08:18,409 --> 00:08:20,676
and Party Artie's
Floating Family Shitshow
197
00:08:20,678 --> 00:08:22,278
won't let us onboard without her.
198
00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:27,083
We just need someone
who can pass for her.
199
00:08:27,085 --> 00:08:28,551
She looks like Mom.
200
00:08:28,553 --> 00:08:30,619
Maybe more like Mom than Mom.
201
00:08:30,621 --> 00:08:32,488
In my head, when I think of your mom,
202
00:08:32,490 --> 00:08:34,290
I now picture this woman.
203
00:08:34,292 --> 00:08:36,425
It's settled. We're going on the cruise.
204
00:08:36,427 --> 00:08:38,227
It's what Francine... and by that,
205
00:08:38,229 --> 00:08:40,763
I mean this woman... would have wanted.
206
00:08:40,764 --> 00:08:42,873
_
207
00:08:43,301 --> 00:08:45,568
[BUZZER]
208
00:08:45,570 --> 00:08:48,036
Your court-appointed attorney's here.
209
00:08:48,038 --> 00:08:50,439
Him? Unh-unh. No way.
210
00:08:50,441 --> 00:08:53,910
Sorry. No one else is willing
to defend a monster like you.
211
00:08:53,912 --> 00:08:55,711
- [GROWLS]
- Aaaah!
212
00:08:55,713 --> 00:08:58,114
What the hell have you gotten me into?
213
00:08:58,116 --> 00:08:59,782
I'm going on trial.
214
00:08:59,784 --> 00:09:02,585
Wow, sounds like the work of someone
215
00:09:02,587 --> 00:09:04,853
who hasn't lost their edge.
216
00:09:04,855 --> 00:09:06,054
Jesus, Roger.
217
00:09:06,056 --> 00:09:07,590
I admit it, okay?
218
00:09:07,592 --> 00:09:09,792
You haven't lost your edge
or you're not washed up
219
00:09:09,794 --> 00:09:11,527
or whatever this is about.
220
00:09:11,529 --> 00:09:14,663
Just tell everyone I didn't
do it so we can end this.
221
00:09:14,665 --> 00:09:16,532
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
222
00:09:16,534 --> 00:09:18,400
You're just telling
me what I want to hear
223
00:09:18,402 --> 00:09:20,736
because you're desperate,
but I'm gonna show you
224
00:09:20,738 --> 00:09:24,273
I've still got it and
in undeniable fashion.
225
00:09:24,275 --> 00:09:25,741
No.
226
00:09:25,743 --> 00:09:28,745
I'm gonna give the performance
of my life as little Bonnie,
227
00:09:28,747 --> 00:09:30,747
bringing you to the brink of conviction,
228
00:09:30,749 --> 00:09:33,750
only to be topped by my
public-defender character...
229
00:09:33,752 --> 00:09:36,285
Ed Dickle, the ultimate showman...
230
00:09:36,287 --> 00:09:37,620
who's gonna rake that little girl
231
00:09:37,622 --> 00:09:39,756
over the coals to get you off.
232
00:09:39,758 --> 00:09:42,558
Let's get to work.
233
00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:45,093
What's this?
234
00:09:45,095 --> 00:09:48,297
An even smaller briefcase?
235
00:09:48,299 --> 00:09:50,299
Another?
236
00:09:50,301 --> 00:09:52,168
A key?
237
00:09:52,170 --> 00:09:54,236
But to what?
238
00:09:54,238 --> 00:09:56,305
This.
239
00:09:56,307 --> 00:09:58,307
The ultimate showman!
240
00:09:58,309 --> 00:10:00,643
Oh, here's my phone bill. Hang on.
241
00:10:00,645 --> 00:10:02,178
I should knock this out
while I'm thinking about it.
242
00:10:02,180 --> 00:10:03,912
Got a charge on here I don't recognize.
243
00:10:03,914 --> 00:10:07,383
WOMAN: Your call is important to us...
244
00:10:07,385 --> 00:10:08,651
Trust me, you want this resolved
245
00:10:08,653 --> 00:10:10,987
so I can give your case full focus.
246
00:10:10,989 --> 00:10:12,588
[HOLD MUSIC PLAYING]
247
00:10:12,590 --> 00:10:14,657
Can you even pull this off,
248
00:10:14,659 --> 00:10:16,725
Bonnie and the lawyer in the same room?
249
00:10:16,727 --> 00:10:19,195
You forget I got super-speed, baby.
250
00:10:19,197 --> 00:10:22,131
[SLOW-MOTION] Roger!
251
00:10:25,603 --> 00:10:27,403
Sorry, was trying to do
something cool there,
252
00:10:27,405 --> 00:10:28,471
but you get the point.
253
00:10:28,473 --> 00:10:29,938
I'm over here now. I'm fast.
254
00:10:29,940 --> 00:10:32,608
- So you were the real Bonnie Ramirez, huh?
- Yep.
255
00:10:32,610 --> 00:10:34,543
But got bored with the
whole pageant thing,
256
00:10:34,545 --> 00:10:36,345
so I just wandered off one day.
257
00:10:36,347 --> 00:10:37,546
Didn't think the family was gonna make
258
00:10:37,548 --> 00:10:38,747
such a big deal about it.
259
00:10:38,749 --> 00:10:40,749
I mean, they only knew her
for like five years.
260
00:10:40,751 --> 00:10:42,551
"JAG" was on twice that long,
261
00:10:42,553 --> 00:10:44,420
and no one's crying about
that going off the air.
262
00:10:44,422 --> 00:10:47,824
Oh, God, such a good show!
263
00:10:47,826 --> 00:10:50,959
[HORN BLOWS]
264
00:10:50,961 --> 00:10:53,229
Thank you so much
for coming with us, Isabella.
265
00:10:53,231 --> 00:10:54,831
It's the least I could do.
266
00:10:54,833 --> 00:10:57,499
This must be a very hard time for you.
267
00:10:57,501 --> 00:10:59,635
Good thing I'm literally
in Margaritaville
268
00:10:59,637 --> 00:11:01,504
with all these piña coladas.
269
00:11:01,506 --> 00:11:03,171
- Mmm.
- Hey, Steve.
270
00:11:03,173 --> 00:11:05,508
Am I gonna see your moves in
the dance contest tomorrow?
271
00:11:05,510 --> 00:11:08,244
Y-You... You know it.
272
00:11:08,246 --> 00:11:09,978
You know that badass?
273
00:11:09,980 --> 00:11:12,648
She's the only kid I couldn't
bully off the foosball table.
274
00:11:12,650 --> 00:11:14,717
I met her at the Teen Hang Zone,
275
00:11:14,719 --> 00:11:16,652
but it's not gonna
matter after tomorrow.
276
00:11:16,654 --> 00:11:19,121
She's expecting me to
perform in the dance contest,
277
00:11:19,123 --> 00:11:20,256
and I'm terrible.
278
00:11:20,258 --> 00:11:22,391
You know, Steve, I used to dance
279
00:11:22,393 --> 00:11:24,727
competitively back in Johannesburg.
280
00:11:24,729 --> 00:11:26,462
I could show you a few steps.
281
00:11:26,464 --> 00:11:28,464
Wow, that would be amazing.
282
00:11:28,466 --> 00:11:30,533
Root beer, red wine,
283
00:11:30,535 --> 00:11:32,068
another piña colada for the lady,
284
00:11:32,070 --> 00:11:35,404
and an Arnold Palmer for the gentleman.
285
00:11:35,406 --> 00:11:37,940
Stan, what's wrong?
286
00:11:37,942 --> 00:11:40,342
It's just this is an Arnold Palmer,
287
00:11:40,344 --> 00:11:43,679
and I asked for a triple-vodka Coke.
288
00:11:43,681 --> 00:11:45,548
It's fine.
It's basically the same thing.
289
00:11:45,550 --> 00:11:47,884
Stick up for yourself, Stan.
290
00:11:47,886 --> 00:11:50,819
You're the only man here
wearing a shirt to dinner.
291
00:11:50,821 --> 00:11:54,490
You deserve to be treated right.
292
00:11:54,492 --> 00:11:55,824
Hi. Excuse me. Sorry.
293
00:11:55,826 --> 00:11:57,159
I hope it's not too much trouble,
294
00:11:57,161 --> 00:12:00,028
but I actually ordered
a triple-vodka Coke,
295
00:12:00,030 --> 00:12:02,631
and, for some reason,
you chose to [BLEEP] me in the face
296
00:12:02,633 --> 00:12:05,902
with what looks like a
glass of piss and shit.
297
00:12:05,904 --> 00:12:08,504
Now, get me what I ordered
before I shoot you to death
298
00:12:08,506 --> 00:12:10,306
in front of this crowd full of drunks.
299
00:12:10,308 --> 00:12:11,507
Please.
300
00:12:11,509 --> 00:12:13,309
Alright, Dad!
301
00:12:13,311 --> 00:12:15,043
- _
- [GAVEL BANGS]
302
00:12:15,045 --> 00:12:19,315
Little Bonnie,
please take a look around the room.
303
00:12:19,317 --> 00:12:21,650
Is the person who
imprisoned you here today?
304
00:12:21,714 --> 00:12:22,985
Yes. Her.
305
00:12:22,987 --> 00:12:24,386
Pink dress.
306
00:12:24,388 --> 00:12:25,654
Oh, it was horrible.
307
00:12:25,656 --> 00:12:27,924
She made me call her "Mama God."
308
00:12:27,926 --> 00:12:31,127
She kept me in a cage
and only fed me moths.
309
00:12:31,129 --> 00:12:32,361
[JURORS GASP]
310
00:12:33,932 --> 00:12:35,932
Actually developed a taste for 'em.
311
00:12:37,401 --> 00:12:39,602
[PANTING]
312
00:12:40,451 --> 00:12:42,271
Did I miss anything while I was gone?
313
00:12:42,273 --> 00:12:44,607
Aunt Becky from "Full House"
up to anything?
314
00:12:44,609 --> 00:12:46,475
[LAUGHS] I'm just playing.
315
00:12:46,477 --> 00:12:48,877
Even I heard about that
college-admissions scandal.
316
00:12:48,879 --> 00:12:52,080
Yep, Mama God told me
and Nancy all about it.
317
00:12:52,082 --> 00:12:53,416
I'm sorry. Who?
318
00:12:53,418 --> 00:12:55,083
Oh, Nancy was just one of the many,
319
00:12:55,085 --> 00:12:58,154
many other children mashed
into that cage with me.
320
00:12:58,156 --> 00:12:59,422
[SPECTATORS GASP]
321
00:12:59,424 --> 00:13:02,491
You're supposed to tell me everything.
322
00:13:02,493 --> 00:13:05,294
So, Mr. Dickle, it's your turn
323
00:13:05,296 --> 00:13:07,830
to cross-examine little Bonnie.
324
00:13:07,832 --> 00:13:10,566
Finally, our side of the story.
325
00:13:10,568 --> 00:13:11,700
All good, dude.
326
00:13:11,702 --> 00:13:14,036
Are you sure? I'm in pretty deep here.
327
00:13:14,038 --> 00:13:17,105
Relax. I got an ace in the hole.
You're golden.
328
00:13:17,107 --> 00:13:18,641
Very well, Mr. Dickle.
329
00:13:18,643 --> 00:13:20,777
You may now call your first witness.
330
00:13:20,779 --> 00:13:25,047
Time to see why the call
Ed the ultimate showman.
331
00:13:25,049 --> 00:13:26,182
[WHISTLES]
332
00:13:26,184 --> 00:13:28,584
♪ Living in America ♪
333
00:13:28,586 --> 00:13:32,521
♪♪
334
00:13:32,523 --> 00:13:34,123
♪ Hit me ♪
335
00:13:34,125 --> 00:13:35,324
Black belt.
336
00:13:35,326 --> 00:13:36,925
♪ Living in America ♪
337
00:13:36,926 --> 00:13:37,926
♪ Yeah ♪
338
00:13:37,928 --> 00:13:39,996
♪ I walk in and out ♪
339
00:13:39,998 --> 00:13:42,731
[CHUCKLES] Ed Dickle has acquired a tape
340
00:13:42,733 --> 00:13:45,868
of the actual abduction three years ago.
341
00:13:45,870 --> 00:13:49,938
Mr. Dickle, this is not how trials work,
342
00:13:49,940 --> 00:13:52,941
especially not here at the
Chimdale County Courthouse
343
00:13:52,943 --> 00:13:55,077
presented by Carruthers Auto Mall.
344
00:13:55,079 --> 00:13:58,080
All evidence must be
submitted in advance.
345
00:13:58,082 --> 00:14:02,118
I couldn't submit it in advance.
I staged it last night.
346
00:14:04,155 --> 00:14:05,156
It's okay.
347
00:14:05,168 --> 00:14:09,158
There's got to be another
ace in the hole here somewhere.
348
00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:11,894
Here. Don't hang up. I'm still
on hold with the phone company.
349
00:14:11,896 --> 00:14:14,430
This is Sarah B. How
may I assist you today?
350
00:14:14,432 --> 00:14:16,432
Oh, my God!
Have someone else go for a minute.
351
00:14:16,434 --> 00:14:17,966
Sorry, Sarah, I'm here.
352
00:14:17,968 --> 00:14:19,968
Do you happen to have
my bill in front of you?
353
00:14:19,970 --> 00:14:22,571
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
354
00:14:22,573 --> 00:14:26,308
♪ Choka, choka, choka, choka ♪
355
00:14:26,310 --> 00:14:28,110
YOUNG MAN: Is that his mom?
356
00:14:28,112 --> 00:14:31,980
♪ Choka, choka, choka, choka ♪
357
00:14:31,982 --> 00:14:34,450
♪ Ombligo con omligo ♪
358
00:14:34,452 --> 00:14:36,719
♪ Choka, choka, choka, choka ♪
359
00:14:36,721 --> 00:14:39,121
♪ Dale, que te sigo ♪
360
00:14:39,123 --> 00:14:44,894
♪ Choka, choka, cho...
Pero muévete conmigo ♪
361
00:14:45,864 --> 00:14:47,329
[PANTING]
362
00:14:47,331 --> 00:14:48,597
Sorry, everybody.
363
00:14:48,599 --> 00:14:51,667
It wasn't supposed to be that sexy.
364
00:14:51,669 --> 00:14:55,071
Steve, what you just did on the
dance floor with your mom...
365
00:14:55,073 --> 00:14:55,838
Yeah?
366
00:14:55,857 --> 00:14:59,108
...is exactly why I want
to have a son one day!
367
00:15:00,545 --> 00:15:02,411
I always knew you had talent.
368
00:15:02,413 --> 00:15:04,012
It just took a complete stranger
369
00:15:04,014 --> 00:15:07,683
making the smallest effort to unlock it.
370
00:15:07,685 --> 00:15:09,351
- Sister!
- Oh, my God!
371
00:15:09,353 --> 00:15:10,359
What do we do?
372
00:15:10,391 --> 00:15:14,757
Listen, everything
will be okay if we act fast.
373
00:15:15,826 --> 00:15:17,826
I'm going in after her.
374
00:15:17,828 --> 00:15:20,362
Stan, go tell the captain
to stop at once.
375
00:15:20,364 --> 00:15:22,298
Steve, offer your coat to the girl.
376
00:15:22,300 --> 00:15:25,234
The girl, accept it,
and give Steve a kiss.
377
00:15:25,236 --> 00:15:27,437
Bye-by-y-y-y-e!
378
00:15:31,933 --> 00:15:33,176
Mwah!
379
00:15:34,854 --> 00:15:36,979
Iceberg...
380
00:15:36,981 --> 00:15:40,583
lettuce is the crunchiest lettuce!
381
00:15:40,585 --> 00:15:43,185
Gimme those binoculars.
382
00:15:43,187 --> 00:15:48,257
♪♪
383
00:15:48,259 --> 00:15:49,125
[DOOR OPENS]
384
00:15:49,127 --> 00:15:50,859
ROGER: That was a quick deliberation.
385
00:15:50,861 --> 00:15:52,729
But cuttin'
our lunch break short must mean
386
00:15:52,731 --> 00:15:54,931
they can't wait to
give us the good news.
387
00:15:54,933 --> 00:15:56,365
This can't be happening.
388
00:15:57,268 --> 00:16:00,002
The jury finds Francine Smith...
389
00:16:00,004 --> 00:16:02,338
oh, thank God... guilty.
390
00:16:02,340 --> 00:16:03,606
- [GASPS]
- [GASPS]
391
00:16:03,608 --> 00:16:06,074
Okay, let's wrap this up.
392
00:16:06,076 --> 00:16:09,345
Mr. Dickle,
pick a number between one and four.
393
00:16:09,347 --> 00:16:10,813
- Four!
- Perfect.
394
00:16:10,815 --> 00:16:14,483
I hereby sentence Ms. Smith
to four life sentences.
395
00:16:14,485 --> 00:16:17,820
I just assumed you'd find a way
out of this like you always do.
396
00:16:17,822 --> 00:16:21,223
Yeah, me, too.
397
00:16:21,225 --> 00:16:22,425
But you didn't.
398
00:16:22,427 --> 00:16:24,827
[CRYING]
399
00:16:24,829 --> 00:16:26,162
Oh, my God.
400
00:16:26,164 --> 00:16:28,497
It's just hitting me what happened here.
401
00:16:28,499 --> 00:16:31,567
I really have lost my edge.
402
00:16:34,839 --> 00:16:37,907
I'm nothing but a washed-up fool now.
403
00:16:37,909 --> 00:16:39,842
Life comes at you fast.
404
00:16:39,844 --> 00:16:41,710
One minute, you're on top of the world,
405
00:16:41,712 --> 00:16:43,045
and the next you're explaining
406
00:16:43,047 --> 00:16:46,048
what just happened to
nobody in the kitchen.
407
00:16:46,050 --> 00:16:50,119
Boy, I tell ya,
the Internet is a wonderful place.
408
00:16:50,121 --> 00:16:52,588
Everybody is so supportive.
409
00:16:52,590 --> 00:16:54,990
Whoa, you look terrible.
410
00:16:54,992 --> 00:16:57,326
Get used to it. This is the new me.
411
00:16:57,328 --> 00:16:58,461
The washed-up me.
412
00:16:58,463 --> 00:17:00,463
The me who doesn't
have his edge anymore.
413
00:17:00,465 --> 00:17:01,631
What happened?
414
00:17:01,723 --> 00:17:04,667
Francine went to prison for
kidnapping some little girl.
415
00:17:04,669 --> 00:17:07,402
Oh, damn, you lost that case?
416
00:17:07,404 --> 00:17:10,139
Yep. The old me would've
weaseled her out of it,
417
00:17:10,141 --> 00:17:14,143
but she's in prison now
'cause I blew it.
418
00:17:14,145 --> 00:17:18,013
A tragic ending for ol' Rog.
419
00:17:18,015 --> 00:17:20,083
You guys, the cruise was awesome.
420
00:17:20,085 --> 00:17:21,416
I should've died!
421
00:17:21,418 --> 00:17:24,687
And I got robbed by a
30-year-old Romanian stowaway
422
00:17:24,689 --> 00:17:26,755
pretending to be a teenage girl.
423
00:17:26,757 --> 00:17:30,225
But guess who got a kiss first.
424
00:17:30,227 --> 00:17:31,961
You look like hell. Get cleaned up,
425
00:17:31,963 --> 00:17:33,296
and we'll drive to court together.
426
00:17:33,298 --> 00:17:35,298
Mm, we lost.
427
00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:36,365
She's in prison forever.
428
00:17:36,367 --> 00:17:38,033
- What?!
- Oh, my God!
429
00:17:38,035 --> 00:17:40,503
Roger, I have decided to hurt you.
430
00:17:40,505 --> 00:17:42,772
You must be Uncle Roger.
431
00:17:42,774 --> 00:17:44,039
Why don't we go to the living room,
432
00:17:44,041 --> 00:17:46,709
and I can hear your side of the story?
433
00:17:47,258 --> 00:17:49,244
Stan, listen. I have an idea.
434
00:17:49,246 --> 00:17:51,046
I got the mail every day you were gone,
435
00:17:51,048 --> 00:17:54,117
so I think I should get
extra allowance this week.
436
00:17:54,119 --> 00:17:55,384
That's your idea?
437
00:17:55,386 --> 00:17:58,053
Ple-e-e-ase!
438
00:17:58,055 --> 00:17:59,788
And now Francine's in prison,
439
00:17:59,790 --> 00:18:01,857
and it's all because I lost my edge.
440
00:18:01,859 --> 00:18:03,726
I'm washed up. I'm done.
441
00:18:03,728 --> 00:18:05,594
Listen to yourself.
442
00:18:05,596 --> 00:18:09,732
Your friend's locked up,
and all I hear is, "I, I, I."
443
00:18:09,734 --> 00:18:12,735
Wow. You missed a ton of what I said.
444
00:18:12,737 --> 00:18:15,604
The best way to get back
on track is to forget
445
00:18:15,606 --> 00:18:18,073
about the "I's" and focus on others.
446
00:18:18,075 --> 00:18:21,210
You know,
that actually makes a lot of sense.
447
00:18:21,212 --> 00:18:25,080
But where do I...
Sorry, where do me begin?
448
00:18:25,082 --> 00:18:28,751
Well, for starters,
have you even visited Francine yet?
449
00:18:28,753 --> 00:18:31,687
- No.
- We're going to visit her right now.
450
00:18:31,689 --> 00:18:33,689
- I'll gather the others.
- Love it.
451
00:18:33,691 --> 00:18:35,825
Would follow you to
the end of the Earth.
452
00:18:35,827 --> 00:18:38,728
One quick question... Who are you?
453
00:18:41,166 --> 00:18:42,297
[BUZZER]
454
00:18:42,299 --> 00:18:43,566
- Mom!
- It's so good to see you.
455
00:18:43,568 --> 00:18:44,633
My girl.
456
00:18:44,635 --> 00:18:46,101
[DOOR CLOSES]
457
00:18:46,103 --> 00:18:47,503
Who the hell is that?
458
00:18:47,505 --> 00:18:48,571
That's Isabella.
459
00:18:48,573 --> 00:18:50,505
She played you in a TV reenactment.
460
00:18:50,507 --> 00:18:52,307
And in the cruise we took without you.
461
00:18:52,309 --> 00:18:53,509
She's awesome.
462
00:18:53,511 --> 00:18:57,112
And, most importantly,
she showed me how selfish I've been.
463
00:18:57,114 --> 00:19:00,783
If I wasn't so concerned about
proving I still had my edge,
464
00:19:00,785 --> 00:19:02,651
there's a chance you
wouldn't be in here.
465
00:19:02,653 --> 00:19:03,853
A chance?
466
00:19:03,855 --> 00:19:05,454
A very good chance.
467
00:19:05,456 --> 00:19:08,657
Francine, Isabella taught me
something special...
468
00:19:08,659 --> 00:19:11,194
how valuable helping others can be.
469
00:19:11,196 --> 00:19:12,762
So with that said...
470
00:19:17,134 --> 00:19:19,134
H-H-How did I get in this?
471
00:19:19,136 --> 00:19:20,469
What's going on?
472
00:19:20,471 --> 00:19:22,137
Time's up. Come on.
473
00:19:22,139 --> 00:19:25,007
No! I didn't do anything!
474
00:19:25,009 --> 00:19:28,411
I'm not supposed to be here!
475
00:19:28,413 --> 00:19:30,279
Listen to all those "I's."
476
00:19:30,281 --> 00:19:32,014
Focus on how selfless it is
477
00:19:32,016 --> 00:19:34,817
to do four life sentences for someone.
478
00:19:34,819 --> 00:19:36,219
We got to get out of here.
479
00:19:36,221 --> 00:19:38,020
[BUZZER]
480
00:19:40,958 --> 00:19:42,024
Did you see that?
481
00:19:42,026 --> 00:19:43,826
I just imprisoned an innocent woman
482
00:19:43,828 --> 00:19:46,562
and freed a convicted child abductor.
483
00:19:46,564 --> 00:19:47,830
How's that for edgy?
484
00:19:47,832 --> 00:19:51,033
Couldn't we have solved this
without anybody going to prison?
485
00:19:51,035 --> 00:19:53,168
That woman saved my life.
486
00:19:53,170 --> 00:19:55,504
We could have,
but then you wouldn't have gotten to go
487
00:19:55,506 --> 00:19:56,906
on your precious cruise.
488
00:19:56,908 --> 00:19:59,708
Yes, I would... with Mom.
489
00:19:59,710 --> 00:20:01,510
But then who would've saved your life?
490
00:20:02,055 --> 00:20:03,446
Whoa.
491
00:20:03,448 --> 00:20:05,915
Roger,
if I didn't have this seatbelt on,
492
00:20:05,917 --> 00:20:07,316
I'd punch you right in the face.
493
00:20:07,318 --> 00:20:09,585
No. Thank you, Francine.
494
00:20:09,587 --> 00:20:12,121
You were right. I'd gotten complacent,
495
00:20:12,123 --> 00:20:14,924
and I needed your little
push to get back on track.
496
00:20:14,926 --> 00:20:16,592
And, boy, am I back.
497
00:20:16,594 --> 00:20:19,061
You wanted interesting characters?
498
00:20:19,063 --> 00:20:22,531
Toga Gomez, NASCAR Vampire.
499
00:20:22,533 --> 00:20:27,202
Jenna Diarrhea-Evans,
heiress to the diarrhea fortune.
500
00:20:27,204 --> 00:20:30,606
Gord Gullmax, Michael Jackson apologist.
501
00:20:30,608 --> 00:20:34,209
Lieutenant Wingz, enormous mosquito.
502
00:20:34,211 --> 00:20:35,544
Wow. I can't believe
503
00:20:35,546 --> 00:20:37,280
Mom almost spent the rest
of her life in prison
504
00:20:37,282 --> 00:20:40,215
because she said Roger lost his edge.
505
00:20:40,217 --> 00:20:42,818
Geez. Talk about overly sensitive.
506
00:20:42,820 --> 00:20:45,554
Okay, Roger! I'm sorry!
507
00:20:45,556 --> 00:20:47,090
You're not sensitive!
508
00:20:48,277 --> 00:20:50,893
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
509
00:20:50,895 --> 00:20:52,828
You're just telling
me what I want to hear
510
00:20:52,830 --> 00:20:54,163
because you're desperate.
511
00:20:54,165 --> 00:20:56,499
No shit I'm desperate!
512
00:20:56,501 --> 00:20:58,367
- You sweared.
- Aah!
513
00:20:58,369 --> 00:21:00,503
Bye! Have a beautiful time!
514
00:21:02,222 --> 00:21:03,954
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
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