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- Eight of hearts.
- Drink!
2
00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:09,808
Three of clubs.
3
00:00:09,810 --> 00:00:11,876
- Drink!
- Drink!
4
00:00:11,878 --> 00:00:14,279
I forget, which cards don't we drink on?
5
00:00:14,281 --> 00:00:15,680
Don't worry,
I took them out of the deck.
6
00:00:15,682 --> 00:00:16,548
STAN: Francine!
7
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Francine!
8
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Francine!
9
00:00:19,484 --> 00:00:20,485
Francine!
10
00:00:20,487 --> 00:00:21,553
Chicago Dave!
11
00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:22,887
That's Chicago Dave!
12
00:00:22,889 --> 00:00:24,088
My buddy from college!
13
00:00:24,090 --> 00:00:26,158
He's ascended the mountain, Francine!
14
00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:27,426
A real mountain?
15
00:00:27,428 --> 00:00:29,027
Like Mount Everlast?
16
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:31,029
Or Mount Killamandingo?
17
00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:32,164
What? No.
18
00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:33,898
He's writing movies
for Reese Witherspoon!
19
00:00:33,900 --> 00:00:36,635
What's the best part of writing
a movie for Reese Witherspoon?
20
00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:38,437
Easy. Meeting Reese Witherspoon.
21
00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:40,505
Obviously.
I'm so embarrassed I even asked.
22
00:00:40,507 --> 00:00:41,774
Dave moved to Chicago.
23
00:00:41,776 --> 00:00:44,442
Joined the world-famous
City Second improv troupe
24
00:00:44,444 --> 00:00:45,978
where he was plucked to join the cast
25
00:00:45,980 --> 00:00:47,579
of "Sketches and Laughing,"
26
00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:49,047
A.K.A. "S-and-L"!
27
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:51,516
And now he's writing
Reese Witherspoon movies.
28
00:00:51,518 --> 00:00:52,917
What's your point, Stan?
29
00:00:52,919 --> 00:00:55,053
My point is that man could have been me.
30
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:56,721
ROGER:
[SLURRING] I flipped another card!
31
00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:58,857
[CRASHING]
32
00:00:58,859 --> 00:01:01,259
Great, I'm missing the end of the game.
33
00:01:01,261 --> 00:01:02,527
It's a red one!
34
00:01:02,529 --> 00:01:05,130
Ugh, that's a drink one, Stan.
35
00:01:08,002 --> 00:01:10,735
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
36
00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:14,272
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
37
00:01:14,274 --> 00:01:17,142
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
38
00:01:17,144 --> 00:01:20,946
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
39
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:26,751
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
40
00:01:26,753 --> 00:01:29,154
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
41
00:01:29,156 --> 00:01:30,322
Aah!
42
00:01:31,692 --> 00:01:34,727
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
43
00:01:36,963 --> 00:01:40,165
Chicago Dave is living
the best life a human can.
44
00:01:40,167 --> 00:01:42,100
And you went to college with him.
45
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,902
I more than went to college with him.
46
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A little backstory is needed.
47
00:01:45,172 --> 00:01:46,371
Ugh.
48
00:01:46,373 --> 00:01:48,573
It was the summer of 21 years ago...
49
00:01:48,575 --> 00:01:51,576
the start of my senior year of college.
50
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I was ready to take the
throne as funniest student
51
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:55,514
in the School of Government.
52
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But what I didn't know was someone else
53
00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:59,384
had eyes on the same prize.
54
00:01:59,386 --> 00:02:01,986
What are two examples of a republic?
55
00:02:01,988 --> 00:02:04,122
Uh, Disneyland and Narnia.
56
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,323
[LAUGHTER]
57
00:02:05,325 --> 00:02:07,259
Uh, my butt and balls.
58
00:02:07,261 --> 00:02:08,727
[LOUDER LAUGHTER]
59
00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:10,128
Okay, shut up, shut up!
60
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:12,531
We're trying to learn government here!
61
00:02:13,868 --> 00:02:15,400
STAN: We became a team.
62
00:02:15,402 --> 00:02:17,870
By winter break we were
known more for our comedy
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00:02:17,872 --> 00:02:20,004
than our schoolwork,
which we had stopped doing.
64
00:02:20,006 --> 00:02:22,541
...which led to rules
governing Search and Seizure...
65
00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:24,543
Seizure? I barely know her!
66
00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:26,945
- [LAUGHTER]
- Checks and Balances?
67
00:02:26,947 --> 00:02:29,013
More like cheeks and ball-ances!
68
00:02:29,015 --> 00:02:30,048
[LAUGHTER]
69
00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:32,685
I didn't even say Checks and Balances!
70
00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:39,558
Promise me you will never accept
any sort of government job.
71
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,426
And do what instead?
72
00:02:41,428 --> 00:02:42,761
- Comedy?
- Sure.
73
00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:44,897
I despise comedy,
so that would be great.
74
00:02:44,899 --> 00:02:47,099
Except for Mark Russell,
the political pianist.
75
00:02:47,101 --> 00:02:49,434
You guys familiar?
76
00:02:49,436 --> 00:02:50,702
What do you say, Stan?
77
00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:53,572
Ya wanna move to Chicago
and chase this dragon?
78
00:02:53,574 --> 00:02:57,376
RUSSELL: ♪ Ross Perot,
he's an independent hero! ♪
79
00:02:57,378 --> 00:03:01,313
- ♪ Giant sucking sound, was a total zero! ♪
- [LAUGHING]
80
00:03:01,315 --> 00:03:04,449
STAN: There was only one problem.
81
00:03:04,451 --> 00:03:05,584
I can't go.
82
00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:06,985
I'm too afraid.
83
00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:09,121
Come on, Stan. I can't go alone.
84
00:03:09,123 --> 00:03:11,656
I need someone to talk to on the drive.
85
00:03:11,658 --> 00:03:13,192
Oh, wait.
86
00:03:16,663 --> 00:03:18,263
Never mind! Bye!
87
00:03:18,265 --> 00:03:20,966
Have fun living a life of fear!
88
00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:24,402
He moved to Chicago without me.
89
00:03:24,404 --> 00:03:26,739
Never talked to him again.
Tried to get in touch,
90
00:03:26,741 --> 00:03:29,341
but who can touch a shooting star?
91
00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:32,210
You can't even touch
a regular star, Stan.
92
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:33,212
They're suns.
93
00:03:33,214 --> 00:03:35,280
If I'd just gotten in that Fiero,
94
00:03:35,282 --> 00:03:36,881
I'd be a famous comedian.
95
00:03:36,883 --> 00:03:38,483
[LAUGHS]
96
00:03:38,485 --> 00:03:40,285
What? How?
97
00:03:40,287 --> 00:03:43,555
- You're not funny.
- [GASPS] Tha... bha... tha... bha...
98
00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:44,689
I'm a funny guy!
99
00:03:44,691 --> 00:03:46,224
That's what I identify as.
100
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,693
Stan Smith... funny. Guy.
101
00:03:48,695 --> 00:03:50,695
[CHUCKLES] I honestly don't know
102
00:03:50,697 --> 00:03:52,230
if you're joking right now.
103
00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:53,966
It's always so hard to tell with you.
104
00:03:53,968 --> 00:03:56,034
Are you being crazy right now?
105
00:03:56,036 --> 00:03:57,703
Kids!
106
00:03:59,439 --> 00:04:00,572
[SCRAPING]
107
00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:02,041
Not you, Klaus.
108
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:06,645
Your dad just said he's a funny guy.
109
00:04:06,647 --> 00:04:08,580
[BOTH LAUGH]
110
00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:10,382
That's a funny thing to say, Dad.
111
00:04:10,384 --> 00:04:11,450
That's not like you.
112
00:04:11,452 --> 00:04:12,651
It wasn't a joke!
113
00:04:12,653 --> 00:04:13,653
Here's a joke...
114
00:04:13,655 --> 00:04:14,919
Have you seen these teens
115
00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:16,455
eating their tide pods?
116
00:04:16,457 --> 00:04:18,923
What the heck?
Those are for dishwashers.
117
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:19,992
Boo.
118
00:04:19,994 --> 00:04:22,927
Stan, the last good joke
you made was Steve!
119
00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:25,730
Nice, Mom! You burned Dad and Steve.
120
00:04:25,732 --> 00:04:28,533
Unlike Dad,
who's had 14 years to burn me
121
00:04:28,535 --> 00:04:30,068
and never once scored.
122
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:32,204
Never once scored...
123
00:04:32,206 --> 00:04:33,605
kinda like Steve!
124
00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:35,540
Oh, ho! Wow!
125
00:04:35,542 --> 00:04:36,875
You see that, Dad?
126
00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:38,944
That's how you roast Steve.
127
00:04:43,183 --> 00:04:44,983
[CLATTERING]
128
00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:46,518
What the hell, Stan?
129
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,320
I'm out. Moving to Chicago.
130
00:04:48,322 --> 00:04:49,988
Gonna prove the haters wrong.
131
00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:51,189
What about work?
132
00:04:51,191 --> 00:04:52,658
I told Bullock that when I was young,
133
00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:55,193
I dreamt of being a comedian
and how I chickened out.
134
00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:56,862
He instantly granted me regret leave,
135
00:04:56,864 --> 00:04:58,464
which was a surprise considering
136
00:04:58,466 --> 00:04:59,998
we're basically getting ass-slammed
137
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,133
by China round the clock.
138
00:05:01,135 --> 00:05:02,868
Why don't you just take an improv class
139
00:05:02,870 --> 00:05:04,269
at the Learning Attic?
140
00:05:04,271 --> 00:05:06,138
Why would I listen to
anything you have to say?
141
00:05:06,140 --> 00:05:07,272
You're my number-one hater.
142
00:05:07,274 --> 00:05:08,940
You've never supported my comedy.
143
00:05:08,942 --> 00:05:11,076
Come on, is this real?
144
00:05:11,078 --> 00:05:12,810
How long do you plan to be gone?
145
00:05:12,812 --> 00:05:14,612
As long as it takes.
146
00:05:14,614 --> 00:05:16,315
Maybe even longer.
147
00:05:18,886 --> 00:05:20,085
Goodbye, Francine.
148
00:05:20,087 --> 00:05:21,553
Lemme know how the kids turn out!
149
00:05:22,846 --> 00:05:29,294
♪ Standing tall,
on the wings of my dream ♪
150
00:05:29,296 --> 00:05:35,967
♪ Rise and fall,
on the wings of my dream ♪
151
00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:39,037
♪ The rain and thunder,
the hmm and muhmuh ♪
152
00:05:39,039 --> 00:05:42,640
♪ um buh for better days! ♪
153
00:05:42,642 --> 00:05:46,044
♪ It's my life and my dream ♪
154
00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:49,647
♪ Nothing's going to stop me now ♪
155
00:05:49,649 --> 00:05:55,954
♪♪
156
00:05:58,926 --> 00:06:00,125
Wow.
157
00:06:00,127 --> 00:06:02,861
This is what I missed
out on 21 years ago.
158
00:06:04,532 --> 00:06:05,797
- Klaus?!
- Klaus!
159
00:06:05,799 --> 00:06:07,399
Baaa-haaaa!
160
00:06:07,401 --> 00:06:10,402
You didn't think I'd let you
move to Chi-town solo, did you?
161
00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:13,205
Plus, my boy Courtney
in Tampa's cousin, Lindsey,
162
00:06:13,207 --> 00:06:16,141
lives down in Champaign
and has a super-tight posse.
163
00:06:16,143 --> 00:06:18,410
He said we can go down there
or they can come up here.
164
00:06:18,412 --> 00:06:20,478
It's all good, Stan.
165
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,080
No, no. No distractions.
166
00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:24,216
I'm here to focus on my comedy career.
167
00:06:24,218 --> 00:06:27,152
Tomorrow is my first day
at City Second improv.
168
00:06:27,154 --> 00:06:28,686
Don't worry, Stan.
169
00:06:28,688 --> 00:06:30,688
My boys won't get in the way.
170
00:06:30,690 --> 00:06:33,691
We're just gonna be joshing around,
teasing each other,
171
00:06:33,693 --> 00:06:36,161
sharing our dreams, building our lives,
172
00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:39,365
and creating memories
that will last a lifetime.
173
00:06:39,367 --> 00:06:41,833
That's if they're willing
to drive up from Champaign,
174
00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:43,902
which they sounded on the fence about.
175
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:46,371
♪♪
176
00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:48,907
I'm gonna bury you guys at improv.
177
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,308
I wrote so much improv.
178
00:06:50,310 --> 00:06:52,510
I got a joke for every location.
179
00:06:52,512 --> 00:06:55,247
Bar, mission control, grocery store,
180
00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:56,714
another mission control.
181
00:06:56,716 --> 00:06:58,049
Restaurant?
182
00:06:58,051 --> 00:06:59,051
No one's gonna say "restaurant"!
183
00:06:59,053 --> 00:07:00,318
No one's gonna say that!
184
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,254
Welcome to improv level one!
185
00:07:02,256 --> 00:07:04,122
After tonight,
you'll see there's no limit
186
00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:06,392
to your comedy dreams
beyond the number of classes
187
00:07:06,394 --> 00:07:07,926
you can afford.
188
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,428
So let's go!
189
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:10,329
_
190
00:07:10,397 --> 00:07:11,997
You must quit comedy immediately.
191
00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:13,599
- I'm sorry?
- You were horrible.
192
00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:15,533
That thing where you
kept pulling your shirt
193
00:07:15,535 --> 00:07:17,603
over your head and yelling incoherently?
194
00:07:17,605 --> 00:07:18,670
That's Turtle Man!
195
00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:20,272
A very funny character of mine!
196
00:07:20,274 --> 00:07:23,141
Look, I'm not supposed
to discourage anyone.
197
00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:25,611
This theater, like every other
comedy theater in America,
198
00:07:25,613 --> 00:07:28,079
is a pyramid scheme.
199
00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:30,749
There are plenty of
jobs outside of comedy.
200
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:33,151
Have you ever considered
getting a government job?
201
00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:34,953
Actually I work at the C.I.A.
202
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:37,623
[LAUGHS] That's pretty funny.
203
00:07:37,625 --> 00:07:40,426
But that's not a joke.
I do work at the C.I.A.
204
00:07:40,428 --> 00:07:41,994
Please leave at once.
205
00:07:46,399 --> 00:07:47,599
What happened?!
206
00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:49,534
My teacher kicked me out of improv class
207
00:07:49,536 --> 00:07:50,869
after only eight minutes.
208
00:07:50,871 --> 00:07:51,871
Wow, that's fast.
209
00:07:51,873 --> 00:07:53,738
But it's only your first setback.
210
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:55,406
And my last. I'm quitting.
211
00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:58,810
But we haven't even had time
to hang with my Champaign crew.
212
00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:02,213
Stan, this is Lindsey,
Double Dog, and Monty.
213
00:08:02,215 --> 00:08:04,083
Klaus, I don't want to meet
your disgusting friends.
214
00:08:04,085 --> 00:08:06,618
They all look like
Toomgis the snack monster.
215
00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:08,419
[LAUGHTER]
216
00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:10,489
Holy crap, this dude's hilarious.
217
00:08:10,491 --> 00:08:11,957
You shouldn't do improv.
218
00:08:11,959 --> 00:08:16,161
You should be a famous
stand-up comedian.
219
00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:17,428
I like these guys.
220
00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:19,364
Seem smart. Stan.
221
00:08:19,366 --> 00:08:20,699
Name's Stan.
222
00:08:20,701 --> 00:08:22,001
Stan Smith.
223
00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:23,665
_
224
00:08:23,971 --> 00:08:25,770
Why aren't you guys ready?
225
00:08:25,772 --> 00:08:28,173
We're going on that
deep dish pizza crawl.
226
00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:29,908
Actually we're staying in and helping
227
00:08:29,910 --> 00:08:31,510
Stan with his comedy.
228
00:08:31,512 --> 00:08:33,244
Why would you want to hang out
with these guys anyway, Klaus?
229
00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:34,980
They look like a bunch of Toomgises.
230
00:08:34,982 --> 00:08:36,447
[LAUGHTER]
231
00:08:36,449 --> 00:08:37,916
You said that one before, Stan!
232
00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:39,718
I'm recycling some
of the classic ones, Klaus.
233
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:40,852
All the greats do it.
234
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:42,321
Oh, here's a new joke I thought of...
235
00:08:42,323 --> 00:08:44,055
Klaus got caught sneaking a thermos
236
00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:45,991
into the movie theater and he cried!
237
00:08:45,993 --> 00:08:48,393
[LAUGHTER]
238
00:08:48,395 --> 00:08:49,861
Good one, Stan.
239
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:51,330
Classic joke structure.
240
00:08:51,332 --> 00:08:54,533
I'm going to, uh,
go throw a whiz in the toilet.
241
00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:56,802
[WHISPERING] Francine.
You gotta come get Stan.
242
00:08:56,804 --> 00:08:59,270
He totally crashed and
burned trying to do comedy
243
00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:01,272
and he's too ashamed to come home.
244
00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:03,274
FRANCINE: Are you not here?
245
00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:05,210
What, no, I'm in Chicago!
246
00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:07,813
I left weeks ago, when Stan left.
247
00:09:07,815 --> 00:09:09,481
Huh. Now what's this?
248
00:09:09,483 --> 00:09:11,482
Stan's given up on comedy!
249
00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:14,219
He just sits on his ass all
day with these [BLEEP] idiots,
250
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:16,087
who are supposed to be my friends,
by the way.
251
00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:18,023
And if you ever want your husband back,
252
00:09:18,025 --> 00:09:19,758
you got to come get him.
253
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:23,494
♪♪
254
00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:25,496
So, have you been to a deli lately?
255
00:09:25,498 --> 00:09:26,765
All this deli meat?
256
00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:30,902
I mean, who needs this much deli meat?
257
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,704
And that's how I close the show.
258
00:09:32,706 --> 00:09:34,506
[LAUGHTER]
259
00:09:34,508 --> 00:09:35,774
[DOORBELL RINGS]
260
00:09:38,445 --> 00:09:40,111
Francine, what are you doing here?
261
00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:41,980
- Klaus called me and...
- Klaus?!
262
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:44,850
Klaus, you called Francine
to come get me?
263
00:09:44,852 --> 00:09:46,317
What? No, no,
264
00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:48,787
I only called her to tell
her you were doing great.
265
00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:50,255
And I didn't even call her!
266
00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:52,391
So you haven't given up, Stan?
267
00:09:52,393 --> 00:09:54,793
That's great news, because I felt
268
00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,928
terrible about not supporting you.
269
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:59,330
Everybody felt terrible about that.
270
00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:00,732
It was a dark day.
271
00:10:00,734 --> 00:10:02,534
Let me make it up to you.
272
00:10:02,536 --> 00:10:04,403
I want to get you out there.
273
00:10:04,405 --> 00:10:06,605
I'll book you gigs, be your manager.
274
00:10:06,607 --> 00:10:09,274
Hmm. Would that be stepping
on your toes, Lindsey?
275
00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:13,078
Sorry, I guess my cousin
got in a car accident.
276
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,279
What's going on, Stan?
277
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:15,414
Hey, you focus on your thing.
278
00:10:15,416 --> 00:10:17,082
Francine's my manager now.
279
00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:19,218
Francine, as I become
more and more successful,
280
00:10:19,220 --> 00:10:21,753
your job will be getting me
roles in Pixar movies
281
00:10:21,755 --> 00:10:23,288
and defending me on Twitter.
282
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,626
ROGER: Surf's up, duders!
283
00:10:27,628 --> 00:10:29,228
Stan and Fran are gone.
284
00:10:29,230 --> 00:10:31,096
Time to live a little, guys!
285
00:10:31,098 --> 00:10:32,297
Cowabunga!
286
00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:34,299
Eungh. I'm droppin' in!
287
00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:36,501
Eungh. I'm gonna shoot this!
288
00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:37,903
Eungh.
289
00:10:37,905 --> 00:10:39,838
I'm stayin' upstairs tonight.
290
00:10:41,575 --> 00:10:45,477
Now, this is what the surf
community calls hanging loose.
291
00:10:47,048 --> 00:10:49,915
Honestly, Roger,
we're tired from "livin' a little"
292
00:10:49,917 --> 00:10:51,382
with you all the time.
293
00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:53,652
We're burned out
on all your schemes, heists,
294
00:10:53,654 --> 00:10:56,722
scams, set-ups, misadventures,
and dalliances.
295
00:10:56,724 --> 00:10:58,590
Hmm, I'm starting to think
296
00:10:58,592 --> 00:11:01,192
maybe you did steal my thesaurus, Steve.
297
00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:04,263
It's just nice to chill for a change,
don't you think?
298
00:11:04,265 --> 00:11:07,666
No, what I do think is maybe you
guys need a change of scenery.
299
00:11:07,668 --> 00:11:11,069
[AUSSIE ACCENT] And I heard there's
a rager down at Chimdale Harbor.
300
00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:14,940
Name's Dirt Mirklegunk
and I know how to rock!
301
00:11:14,942 --> 00:11:16,675
[SOUR NOTES PLAY]
302
00:11:16,677 --> 00:11:18,209
No! No! Stop that.
303
00:11:18,211 --> 00:11:19,478
Hard pass!
304
00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:22,147
Ugh, that is super annoying!
305
00:11:22,149 --> 00:11:23,949
- [NORMAL VOICE] You're annoying!
- You know what, Roger?
306
00:11:23,951 --> 00:11:25,617
Maybe you need a little break
307
00:11:25,619 --> 00:11:27,352
from "livin' a little" all the time.
308
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:28,954
You think so? [PLAYS THOUGHTFUL CHORD]
309
00:11:28,956 --> 00:11:30,355
- I don't know.
- Tell you what,
310
00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:32,624
why don't you let Hayley and me host you
311
00:11:32,626 --> 00:11:34,025
for a chill night in?
312
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:37,162
Hmm, and if that sucks,
then we can go live a little?
313
00:11:37,164 --> 00:11:38,630
- Maybe.
- Cool, cool.
314
00:11:38,632 --> 00:11:39,898
By the way, I'm changing my name
315
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:42,834
from Dirt Murkledunk to Mirt Dirkledunk.
316
00:11:43,501 --> 00:11:45,504
What's up with electric cars?
317
00:11:45,506 --> 00:11:47,372
Is everything gonna be electric?
318
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:49,774
What's next? Electric slide?
319
00:11:49,776 --> 00:11:52,111
I prefer my slide to be gas-powered,
320
00:11:52,113 --> 00:11:54,313
thank you very much.
321
00:11:54,315 --> 00:11:57,048
Hmm. No, that's perfect.
322
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:58,850
Stan, I got you a gig!
323
00:11:58,852 --> 00:12:01,520
There's a show at Pizzeria Uno tonight
324
00:12:01,522 --> 00:12:03,388
and they had a comedian cancel.
325
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:04,790
Tonight? I'd better practice
326
00:12:04,792 --> 00:12:07,726
my funny faces in the mirror!
327
00:12:07,728 --> 00:12:10,395
Your boy's gonna bomb, Francine.
328
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,063
That'd be sad.
329
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:15,667
Then we'd have to go home
where I get to have all the sex
330
00:12:15,669 --> 00:12:16,868
I want with him.
331
00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:19,138
And where the snacks and TV are.
332
00:12:19,140 --> 00:12:20,539
You want him to bomb!
333
00:12:20,541 --> 00:12:21,606
Yes, Klaus.
334
00:12:21,608 --> 00:12:24,676
You're bad, Francine.
335
00:12:24,678 --> 00:12:26,879
You're a bad lady.
336
00:12:27,548 --> 00:12:29,280
[HORN HONKS]
337
00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:32,684
Hey! Welcome, everybody,
to Pizzeria Uno's comedy night,
338
00:12:32,686 --> 00:12:34,019
"Take my slice, cheese."
339
00:12:34,021 --> 00:12:35,620
[LAUGHS] Okay.
340
00:12:35,622 --> 00:12:38,357
Our first comedian is some guy.
341
00:12:38,359 --> 00:12:40,359
Let's give it up for him, huh?
342
00:12:40,361 --> 00:12:42,027
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
343
00:12:42,029 --> 00:12:43,495
Whoo!
344
00:12:43,497 --> 00:12:47,766
Please. "Some Guy" is my father's name.
345
00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:49,634
So, millennials.
346
00:12:49,636 --> 00:12:51,837
Don't you just wish they were all dead?
347
00:12:53,174 --> 00:12:55,841
But then who would be
left to play Porkymons?
348
00:12:55,843 --> 00:12:57,709
MAN: Boo!
349
00:12:57,711 --> 00:12:59,578
Screw you, let's see you get up here!
350
00:12:59,580 --> 00:13:02,047
I will as soon as the ambulance arrives.
351
00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:03,049
Oh, no. Is something wrong?
352
00:13:03,051 --> 00:13:04,983
Yeah! Someone's choking...
353
00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:06,385
on stage!
354
00:13:06,387 --> 00:13:08,253
- [LAUGHTER]
- This crowd stinks!
355
00:13:08,255 --> 00:13:09,388
Turtle Man out!
356
00:13:09,390 --> 00:13:11,523
- [MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]
- [LAUGHTER]
357
00:13:11,525 --> 00:13:12,591
[CRASHING]
358
00:13:12,593 --> 00:13:13,859
Oh, come on!
359
00:13:13,861 --> 00:13:16,327
He knocked over my
pitchers of Blue Moon!
360
00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:17,663
Goddammit!
361
00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:20,131
Stan, are you okay?
362
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,534
Those are the kinds of
shows that make you want
363
00:13:22,536 --> 00:13:23,802
to give up and move home.
364
00:13:23,804 --> 00:13:26,271
It's okay. You gave it your all.
365
00:13:26,273 --> 00:13:28,407
But I'm not going home!
With your support,
366
00:13:28,409 --> 00:13:30,542
I can do this for as long as it takes.
367
00:13:30,544 --> 00:13:32,744
- Jigga-what?!
- You see, I don't want much.
368
00:13:32,746 --> 00:13:34,679
I just want to ascend
the mountain of comedy
369
00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:37,616
and stand atop it alone,
like a hero or a god.
370
00:13:37,618 --> 00:13:41,086
Or something bigger than a god,
a fireball... a firehorse!
371
00:13:41,088 --> 00:13:43,488
Anyone who comes near
me shall be burned.
372
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:44,890
Is that so much to ask?
373
00:13:44,892 --> 00:13:46,425
I guess not.
374
00:13:46,427 --> 00:13:48,560
Whoo! Look out, world!
375
00:13:48,562 --> 00:13:49,628
Cat!
376
00:13:49,630 --> 00:13:51,296
- Yeah, you better run!
- [CAT YOWLS]
377
00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:53,965
Uh-oh, Francine,
looks like your support backfired.
378
00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:56,835
You're right. We're never going home.
379
00:13:56,837 --> 00:13:59,104
[CELLPHONE RINGING]
380
00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:01,640
Smith! The Chinese are trying to kill
381
00:14:01,642 --> 00:14:04,776
"S&L" cast member Colin Jokes.
382
00:14:04,778 --> 00:14:07,046
We need an agent on the inside.
383
00:14:07,048 --> 00:14:10,849
Please tell me you've become
a world-class comedian!
384
00:14:10,851 --> 00:14:12,317
"S&L"?
385
00:14:12,319 --> 00:14:14,453
That's the top of the mountain.
386
00:14:14,455 --> 00:14:15,921
We'd be done.
387
00:14:15,923 --> 00:14:17,256
- He'll do it!
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS]
388
00:14:17,258 --> 00:14:18,523
You ready to get out of here?
389
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:21,392
Stan! You got "S&L"!
390
00:14:21,394 --> 00:14:22,661
What? How?
391
00:14:22,663 --> 00:14:25,864
Uh, one of the busboys was a scout
392
00:14:25,866 --> 00:14:27,466
and thought you were a genius.
393
00:14:27,468 --> 00:14:29,534
Yes! I made it to "S&L"!
394
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,803
And I didn't have to
deploy my best character...
395
00:14:31,805 --> 00:14:34,473
[PETER GRIFFIN VOICE] guy
who talks with a crazy voice!
396
00:14:36,277 --> 00:14:38,076
♪♪
397
00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:41,546
So Stan really thinks he's
funny enough to be on "S&L"?
398
00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:45,016
Yeah, and if he finds out otherwise,
it'll destroy him.
399
00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:47,286
So don't say anything
about this being a mission.
400
00:14:47,288 --> 00:14:48,954
But shouldn't he know
the Chinese are trying
401
00:14:48,956 --> 00:14:50,555
to kill Colin Jokes?
402
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:51,890
Stan's a C.I.A. agent.
403
00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:55,160
If anything happens,
his spy instincts will take over.
404
00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:56,428
Well, he better not mess this up
405
00:14:56,430 --> 00:14:58,697
because I want to go
to the cast afterparty.
406
00:14:58,699 --> 00:14:59,898
I met a girl on Bumble who claims
407
00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:02,634
she's second cousins with Pete Davidson
408
00:15:02,636 --> 00:15:05,104
and I want to make
sure she's not a liar.
409
00:15:05,862 --> 00:15:09,008
One extra-hot cranberry juice cocktail.
410
00:15:10,377 --> 00:15:11,510
Aah!
411
00:15:11,512 --> 00:15:12,978
Alright, I think I'm ready.
412
00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:14,313
There he is!
413
00:15:14,315 --> 00:15:16,315
"S&L" creator and executive producer
414
00:15:16,317 --> 00:15:17,983
Lorne Mykies!
415
00:15:17,985 --> 00:15:21,786
Stan, I just wanted
to personally thank you.
416
00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:25,524
It's good to know Colin's
going to be safe out there.
417
00:15:25,526 --> 00:15:26,725
He'll be safe, alright.
418
00:15:26,727 --> 00:15:29,260
Safe in a blanket of warm laughter.
419
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:30,862
It's wild.
420
00:15:30,864 --> 00:15:32,731
All this just because
we made a couple jokes
421
00:15:32,733 --> 00:15:34,666
about the Chinese government.
422
00:15:34,668 --> 00:15:36,401
I've got some pretty good Chinese jokes
423
00:15:36,403 --> 00:15:37,669
that aren't about the government.
424
00:15:37,671 --> 00:15:39,470
Don't worry,
I'll only break 'em out if we need 'em.
425
00:15:39,472 --> 00:15:40,739
[LAUGHS]
426
00:15:40,741 --> 00:15:43,942
The C.I.A. told me you were funny.
427
00:15:43,944 --> 00:15:46,545
Hmm. What do you think
he meant by "the C.I.A.
428
00:15:46,547 --> 00:15:47,612
told me you were funny"?
429
00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:49,148
Who knows? That guy's a weirdo!
430
00:15:49,150 --> 00:15:52,417
All you have to do now is
relax and read the cue cards.
431
00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:55,486
Remember, "S&L"
has the funniest writers in the world.
432
00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:57,088
They do now that I'm here.
433
00:15:57,090 --> 00:16:00,425
That's why I rewrote all the cue
cards with my own punchlines.
434
00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:03,228
What?! What pen did you use?
435
00:16:03,230 --> 00:16:05,164
And what end did you hold?
436
00:16:05,166 --> 00:16:07,699
♪♪
437
00:16:07,701 --> 00:16:09,568
Don't want to live a little, huh?
438
00:16:09,570 --> 00:16:11,537
Well, this is the other way to go.
439
00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:15,306
[DISEMBODIED SCREAM]
440
00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:17,576
[DISEMBODIED SCREAM]
441
00:16:17,578 --> 00:16:19,178
Damn, what's in this shit?
442
00:16:19,180 --> 00:16:21,780
Rum & cokes! Get your rum & cokes!
443
00:16:21,782 --> 00:16:22,981
I can't drink rum.
444
00:16:22,983 --> 00:16:24,249
Yours doesn't have rum in it.
445
00:16:24,251 --> 00:16:26,385
- Which one's mine?
- Any one without the "X."
446
00:16:26,387 --> 00:16:28,520
So it's movie night
and we're stayin' in.
447
00:16:28,522 --> 00:16:30,121
Love it.
448
00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:34,325
Tonight's entertainment
is 2017's "The Beguiled,"
449
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:36,595
about an injured Union
soldier in the south
450
00:16:36,597 --> 00:16:38,397
that comes upon a school full of women.
451
00:16:38,399 --> 00:16:40,399
Fair warning...
whenever I watch a movie,
452
00:16:40,401 --> 00:16:43,602
I can't resist making
hilarious little comments.
453
00:16:44,671 --> 00:16:49,474
Beguiled? More like buh...
454
00:16:49,476 --> 00:16:51,676
buh-bullshiiiiiit.
455
00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:53,278
Heh heh heh.
456
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:55,814
♪♪
457
00:16:55,816 --> 00:16:57,949
You can't start "Week in updates"!
458
00:16:57,951 --> 00:17:00,151
Oh, no, it started.
459
00:17:00,153 --> 00:17:03,055
And I totally would
have stopped it for you.
460
00:17:04,825 --> 00:17:06,558
Hello. I'm Colin Jokes.
461
00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:08,026
And I'm Stan Smith.
462
00:17:08,028 --> 00:17:09,895
And this is "Week in updates."
463
00:17:09,897 --> 00:17:12,031
Honey! Langley Stan!
464
00:17:12,033 --> 00:17:14,299
My buddy from college! He's done it!
465
00:17:14,301 --> 00:17:16,635
He's ascended the mountain!
466
00:17:16,637 --> 00:17:19,704
Oh, sorry.
Didn't see you'd fallen asleep.
467
00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:22,173
The city of Philadelphia
had quite a mess
468
00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:23,374
on its hands this week
469
00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:25,777
When 80 cows got loose on the freeway.
470
00:17:25,779 --> 00:17:29,047
When reached for comment,
the mayor of Philadelphia said,
471
00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:30,249
"Millennials?
472
00:17:30,251 --> 00:17:34,119
Don't you wish they were all dead?"
473
00:17:34,121 --> 00:17:36,889
But then who would eat
all the avacordo torst?
474
00:17:38,592 --> 00:17:41,059
Tough crowd.
475
00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:43,662
Oh, no, Turtle Man.
476
00:17:43,664 --> 00:17:45,864
Wait, look at Colin Jokes' hand.
477
00:17:45,866 --> 00:17:47,733
A bomb detonator!
478
00:17:47,735 --> 00:17:49,801
Colin Jokes isn't the target.
479
00:17:49,803 --> 00:17:51,136
He's the attacker!
480
00:17:51,138 --> 00:17:52,738
But Stan can't see!
481
00:17:52,740 --> 00:17:54,940
His spy instincts won't kick in!
482
00:17:54,942 --> 00:17:57,309
We've got to do something!
483
00:17:57,360 --> 00:18:01,546
- _
- [CANNED LAUGHTER]
484
00:18:01,548 --> 00:18:03,949
- They love me.
- Riiiight.
485
00:18:03,951 --> 00:18:05,884
[GASPS] Spy instincts!
486
00:18:06,687 --> 00:18:08,353
Aah!
487
00:18:08,355 --> 00:18:09,888
[GRUNTING]
488
00:18:09,890 --> 00:18:13,158
♪♪
489
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:14,293
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
490
00:18:14,295 --> 00:18:16,962
♪♪
491
00:18:16,964 --> 00:18:18,163
[BOMB BEEPING]
492
00:18:18,165 --> 00:18:23,034
♪♪
493
00:18:23,036 --> 00:18:24,436
[AUDIENCE SIGHS IN RELIEF]
494
00:18:24,438 --> 00:18:28,573
I've heard of a comedian bombing,
but this is ridiculous.
495
00:18:28,575 --> 00:18:31,910
[CANNED LAUGHTER]
496
00:18:31,912 --> 00:18:35,180
♪♪
497
00:18:36,049 --> 00:18:39,050
Wow, pretty good for a
movie with no dinosaurs,
498
00:18:39,052 --> 00:18:40,719
don't ya think?
499
00:18:40,721 --> 00:18:43,789
Sleepy heads countin' sheep.
Don't worry.
500
00:18:43,791 --> 00:18:46,858
Uncle Roger'll clean up
all the cups and poison.
501
00:18:46,860 --> 00:18:49,194
[GASPS] The poison! To the hospital!
502
00:18:49,196 --> 00:18:51,497
[DOOR OPENS]
503
00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:56,601
♪♪
504
00:18:56,603 --> 00:18:58,737
Did they find the real Colin Jokes?
505
00:18:58,739 --> 00:19:01,340
He was tied up in his dressing room.
506
00:19:01,342 --> 00:19:02,674
Turns out the Chinese were only
507
00:19:02,676 --> 00:19:05,544
after tonight's musical guest, Pitbull.
508
00:19:05,546 --> 00:19:08,079
I guess China's president
is in a legal battle
509
00:19:08,081 --> 00:19:10,816
with him over the
title of Mr. Worldwide.
510
00:19:10,818 --> 00:19:13,218
I should really get on
the horn with Beijing,
511
00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:15,554
see if I can smooth things over.
512
00:19:15,556 --> 00:19:19,424
Stan, I want to thank you
again for saving the show.
513
00:19:19,426 --> 00:19:22,493
You got it.
Anything for the almighty laugh.
514
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:23,895
And you know what the weird part is?
515
00:19:23,897 --> 00:19:25,564
It felt just like being on a mission.
516
00:19:25,566 --> 00:19:27,432
I'm normally a C.I.A. agent.
517
00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:29,901
Haha! That's funny.
518
00:19:29,903 --> 00:19:31,970
You're funny.
519
00:19:31,972 --> 00:19:33,705
You hear that, Francine?
520
00:19:33,707 --> 00:19:35,774
Lorne Mykies said I was funny.
521
00:19:35,776 --> 00:19:38,309
How's the view from the
top of the mountain?
522
00:19:38,311 --> 00:19:39,578
Majestic.
523
00:19:39,580 --> 00:19:41,380
But you know, the most fun I had
524
00:19:41,382 --> 00:19:43,248
out there was disarming that bomb
525
00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:45,116
and beating that man to a pulp.
526
00:19:45,118 --> 00:19:48,119
Maybe it's time to go back home
and work at the C.I.A. again.
527
00:19:48,121 --> 00:19:50,455
That sounds wonderful, Stan.
528
00:19:50,457 --> 00:19:51,790
Now let's get home.
529
00:19:51,792 --> 00:19:54,693
Feels like I haven't seen
Toshi and the gang in forever.
530
00:19:58,732 --> 00:20:00,532
Wh-what happened?
531
00:20:00,534 --> 00:20:02,133
Why are we in the hospital?
532
00:20:02,135 --> 00:20:03,402
No one knows.
533
00:20:03,404 --> 00:20:05,070
Doctors aren't ruling out poison,
though.
534
00:20:05,072 --> 00:20:07,406
And the tests all say that's
definitely what it was.
535
00:20:07,408 --> 00:20:09,008
Which is probably why...
536
00:20:09,010 --> 00:20:12,911
the boys in blue have been contacted.
537
00:20:13,747 --> 00:20:15,146
So I gotta mosey.
538
00:20:15,148 --> 00:20:16,215
The important thing?
539
00:20:16,217 --> 00:20:17,816
Remember to live a little, right?
540
00:20:17,818 --> 00:20:19,785
Can't thumb your nose at life.
541
00:20:21,755 --> 00:20:23,288
- [CRASHES]
- [GRUNTS]
542
00:20:23,290 --> 00:20:25,156
Rope was too long!
543
00:20:25,158 --> 00:20:27,226
And not tied to anything?!
544
00:20:27,228 --> 00:20:29,061
Bye! Have a beautiful time!
545
00:20:30,972 --> 00:20:32,798
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
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