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ANNOUNCER: In the last episode
of Soap, Jessica found out
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00:00:05,572 --> 00:00:08,073
Billy is in lovewith his teacher.
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00:00:08,074 --> 00:00:09,074
Mary found out from real Burt
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00:00:09,075 --> 00:00:10,576
that she'd been livingwith a clone.
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Dutch found outEunice was fooling around
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with another man,
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and Eunice found outthat Dutch found out
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when she found oatmealdumped on her head.
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Danny found someone named Pollyat the cemetery
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that he found very nice,
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and Jessica saw Chester
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in a hotel with another woman,
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and she went to find outif it was really him.
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Want to find out?
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Stay tunedfor this episode of Soap.
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This is the storyof two sisters,
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Jessica Tate
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and Mary Campbell.
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These are the Tates,
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and these are the Campbells,
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and this is Soap.
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We begin this episode
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shortly after Jessicafollowed Chester upstairs
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to his hotel room.
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We better get started.
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I'm parked
in the 20-minute zone.
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Who is it?
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Jessica.
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Uh, oh, my God.
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Hide.
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Jessica who?
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It's me, Chester.
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Chester who?
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It's Jessica, Chester.
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Is it Jessica or Chester?
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Make up your mind.
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No, not there.
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Chester, it is me,
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your wife, Jessica Tate.
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Oh, Jessica Tate.
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Well, I'm on the phone, Jess.
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I'll be right with you.
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Get down on all fours.
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00:02:16,703 --> 00:02:18,204
Now, Chester?
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00:02:21,207 --> 00:02:22,207
Uh... no.
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00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:27,212
You're going to be a table.
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You're weird, Chester.
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JESSICA:
Chester?
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I'm on the phone, Jess.
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All right.
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Don't move.
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00:02:39,726 --> 00:02:41,226
Don't breathe.
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Chester!
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Don't make any noise.
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Ooh!
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Sorry.
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00:02:56,242 --> 00:02:58,243
Chester, I know
you are in there.
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You open this door
right this minute.
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00:03:00,747 --> 00:03:04,249
Jess, what brings you here?
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That is my question, Chester.
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What brings you here?
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Uh, well, Jess,
since I don't have a job,
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I have no place to go.
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00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:17,262
I use this
as my office, you see.
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I work out of here.
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00:03:18,765 --> 00:03:20,767
I see.
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Chester, I have to go
to the bathroom.
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Okay.
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00:03:29,275 --> 00:03:31,276
You mean you don't mind
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00:03:31,277 --> 00:03:33,278
if I go to the bathroom?
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No, I'd rather you go in there
than in here.
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Looking for something?
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00:03:57,303 --> 00:03:59,805
Decorating ideas.
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00:03:59,806 --> 00:04:01,307
Ahh.
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00:04:08,314 --> 00:04:09,815
Chester...
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00:04:09,816 --> 00:04:13,318
I have a confession
to make to you.
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I thought that I saw you
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00:04:15,321 --> 00:04:16,822
come up here with another woman,
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00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:18,323
and I followed you.
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00:04:18,324 --> 00:04:19,825
Oh, gee.
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00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:23,829
Now, Chester, I am so sorry.
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00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:28,333
I'm sorry I mistrusted you,
but I am glad I came.
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00:04:28,334 --> 00:04:29,835
Otherwise, Chester,
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00:04:29,836 --> 00:04:36,342
those doubts would've lingered
with me forever and ever.
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00:04:39,345 --> 00:04:41,346
I... I'm shocked,
Jess.
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00:04:41,347 --> 00:04:44,349
Shocked...
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00:04:44,350 --> 00:04:47,352
and deeply hurt
that you don't trust me...
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00:04:47,353 --> 00:04:49,354
I'm sorry, Chester.
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00:04:49,355 --> 00:04:51,356
But I have promised you, Jess,
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00:04:51,357 --> 00:04:53,859
I have sworn to you
that those days are over.
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00:04:53,860 --> 00:04:55,861
How much longer are you
going to make me pay?
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00:04:56,863 --> 00:04:58,363
How much longer are you
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00:04:58,364 --> 00:05:02,367
going to torture me like this?
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00:05:02,368 --> 00:05:05,371
Chester...
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00:05:08,374 --> 00:05:10,375
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
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00:05:10,376 --> 00:05:12,878
Oh, sorry, yes,
you're very sorry, Jess.
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You're always sorry.
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00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:14,880
Meanwhile...
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00:05:14,881 --> 00:05:17,382
you watch every
little move I make.
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00:05:17,383 --> 00:05:19,143
You're ready to pounce
on every little thing.
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00:05:28,394 --> 00:05:29,395
What's that?
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00:05:31,397 --> 00:05:32,397
It's a new thing.
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Italian furniture.
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00:05:36,402 --> 00:05:38,403
It's moving, Chester.
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What is it?
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00:05:39,405 --> 00:05:41,407
A sheep.
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00:05:52,418 --> 00:05:55,420
I am so glad
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you have this hotel room,
Chester,
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because you are not coming home.
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Hey, Mare.
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00:06:18,945 --> 00:06:20,946
Burt, what are you
doing in here?
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00:06:20,947 --> 00:06:22,948
I don't know why
they call you in
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00:06:22,949 --> 00:06:23,949
from the waiting room
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00:06:23,950 --> 00:06:24,950
to wait in the examining room.
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At least out there,
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I can wear my pants
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and read Sports Illustrated.
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I know.
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00:06:28,955 --> 00:06:30,455
They weigh you
and forget about you.
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00:06:30,456 --> 00:06:31,456
Oh, yeah.
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00:06:31,457 --> 00:06:33,959
I hate getting a physical.
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00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:35,460
At least it's only once a year.
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00:06:35,461 --> 00:06:37,462
You can't even take a nap
while you're waiting.
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00:06:37,463 --> 00:06:38,964
You could roll
right off that table,
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00:06:38,965 --> 00:06:40,465
and here, you could
lie on the floor
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00:06:40,466 --> 00:06:41,967
and bleed to death.
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00:06:41,968 --> 00:06:43,468
You've got a better chance
of getting medical help
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00:06:43,469 --> 00:06:45,470
on the golf course.
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00:06:45,471 --> 00:06:47,973
Burt, don't you think
you should go back to your room?
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00:06:47,974 --> 00:06:49,975
The doctor might be there
by now.
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00:06:49,976 --> 00:06:50,976
No, he's not.
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00:06:50,977 --> 00:06:53,979
He's on the phone. I heard.
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00:06:53,980 --> 00:06:56,482
He's buying the Grand Canyon
to build condominiums.
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00:06:59,485 --> 00:07:00,485
Here, this here.
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00:07:00,486 --> 00:07:02,487
Look at this over here.
Look at that.
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00:07:02,488 --> 00:07:03,989
I'm an inch taller on this one.
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00:07:03,990 --> 00:07:05,490
I grew in the hall.
I'm going home.
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00:07:05,491 --> 00:07:06,491
Burt.
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00:07:06,492 --> 00:07:07,993
Mary, please.
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00:07:07,994 --> 00:07:09,494
I can't stand around all day
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00:07:09,495 --> 00:07:11,496
while he buys Arizona.
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00:07:11,497 --> 00:07:13,498
Not dressed like this, I can't.
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00:07:13,499 --> 00:07:14,499
Look at this, will you?
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00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:16,001
Pink and blue.
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00:07:16,002 --> 00:07:19,004
We know what we are.
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00:07:19,005 --> 00:07:22,007
Maybe they can't tell.
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00:07:22,008 --> 00:07:24,009
Yeah, I'm going home, Mare.
Come on.
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00:07:24,010 --> 00:07:25,510
Oh, Burt, come on.
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00:07:25,511 --> 00:07:26,511
You need a physical.
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00:07:26,512 --> 00:07:28,013
You've had insomnia.
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00:07:28,014 --> 00:07:29,514
I think you should find out why.
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00:07:29,515 --> 00:07:30,515
Mare, I know why.
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00:07:30,516 --> 00:07:33,018
There's no great mystery why.
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00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:37,522
I got space lag.
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00:07:37,523 --> 00:07:39,524
Burt...
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00:07:39,525 --> 00:07:40,525
Come on, Mary, please.
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00:07:40,526 --> 00:07:41,526
There's jet lag...
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00:07:41,527 --> 00:07:42,527
There's jet lag, right?
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00:07:42,528 --> 00:07:44,529
This is space lag.
It's much worse.
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00:07:44,530 --> 00:07:45,530
Space lag?
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00:07:45,531 --> 00:07:47,032
Oh, doc, fancy seeing you here.
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00:07:47,033 --> 00:07:49,535
What happened,
the stock market close?
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00:07:53,039 --> 00:07:54,039
Hi, Burt.
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00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:55,040
Hi, Mary.
Hi.
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00:07:55,041 --> 00:07:56,541
Hey, two in one room
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00:07:56,542 --> 00:07:58,543
doesn't reduce the rate,
you know, huh?
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00:07:58,544 --> 00:08:00,045
Hey, you look wonderful.
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00:08:00,046 --> 00:08:01,546
Pink.
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00:08:01,547 --> 00:08:03,548
Well, I might as well
start with Mary, huh?
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00:08:03,549 --> 00:08:05,550
Go ahead.
I think you should start with Burt.
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00:08:05,551 --> 00:08:06,551
He's the one with the symptoms.
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00:08:06,552 --> 00:08:08,553
Symptoms.
What symptoms, Mary?
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00:08:08,554 --> 00:08:09,554
Come on, it's nothing.
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00:08:09,555 --> 00:08:10,555
What, a little insomnia.
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00:08:10,556 --> 00:08:11,556
Who cares?
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A few more days
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00:08:12,558 --> 00:08:14,059
of adjusting to Earth time...
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I'll be tip-top.
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00:08:15,061 --> 00:08:16,061
Earth time?
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00:08:16,062 --> 00:08:18,064
Yeah, Earth time...
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00:08:23,569 --> 00:08:26,071
You see,
there were these space men,
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00:08:26,072 --> 00:08:28,073
and I went with them
up on their spaceship,
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00:08:28,074 --> 00:08:30,076
and I got a real bad case
of space lag, that's all.
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00:08:31,577 --> 00:08:34,579
Hey, I've flown to Cincinnati
and been a zombie.
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00:08:34,580 --> 00:08:36,581
When I travel with space men,
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I have a terrible time sleeping.
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00:08:38,084 --> 00:08:41,586
There, you see that?
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00:08:41,587 --> 00:08:43,588
I also can't eat their food.
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00:08:46,092 --> 00:08:47,592
Tell me about it.
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00:08:47,593 --> 00:08:48,593
It's cocktail food.
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00:08:50,096 --> 00:08:52,097
Yeah, I lost six pounds.
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00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:58,603
Burt, you're crazy.
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00:08:58,604 --> 00:08:59,604
You're one funny guy.
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00:08:59,605 --> 00:09:01,606
We have the same sense of humor.
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00:09:01,607 --> 00:09:02,607
You do.
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00:09:02,608 --> 00:09:05,611
Yeah, that's really funny there.
197
00:09:08,614 --> 00:09:09,614
All right, okay.
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00:09:09,615 --> 00:09:10,615
Oh, all right.
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00:09:10,616 --> 00:09:11,616
You first, huh, you first.
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00:09:11,617 --> 00:09:12,617
Okay, okay.
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00:09:12,618 --> 00:09:13,618
Burt, Burt,
while you're waiting,
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00:09:13,619 --> 00:09:15,620
Florence will come in
and take some blood.
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00:09:15,621 --> 00:09:18,123
Is she the one
that always misses the vein?
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00:09:18,124 --> 00:09:19,624
Florence?
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00:09:19,625 --> 00:09:22,127
Because you got one out there
that's blind.
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00:09:22,128 --> 00:09:23,128
You don't have to worry.
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00:09:23,129 --> 00:09:24,129
Florence is very good.
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00:09:24,130 --> 00:09:25,630
Oh, and after she's done,
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00:09:25,631 --> 00:09:27,132
you might try to fill
the little plastic cup...
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00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:29,134
Oh, I hate that.
No, I hate that.
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00:09:29,135 --> 00:09:30,135
I can't do it.
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00:09:30,136 --> 00:09:31,636
Sure you can.
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00:09:31,637 --> 00:09:32,637
I can't do it.
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00:09:32,638 --> 00:09:33,638
I'm terrible under pressure.
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00:09:33,639 --> 00:09:35,140
Turn on the water.
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00:09:35,141 --> 00:09:36,142
It'll inspire you.
217
00:09:37,643 --> 00:09:38,643
Turn on the water.
218
00:09:38,644 --> 00:09:40,145
Beer. A couple of beers
will do it.
219
00:09:40,146 --> 00:09:42,147
That's all you need,
220
00:09:42,148 --> 00:09:43,648
a couple of beers,
you got no problem.
221
00:09:43,649 --> 00:09:44,649
You want me?
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00:09:44,650 --> 00:09:45,650
I'll be around the corner
223
00:09:45,651 --> 00:09:46,652
in the bar.
224
00:09:55,161 --> 00:09:56,161
Hi.
225
00:09:56,162 --> 00:09:57,162
Hey, Danny, you hungry?
226
00:09:57,163 --> 00:09:58,663
No.
227
00:09:58,664 --> 00:09:59,664
Oh, Danny, what's the matter?
228
00:09:59,665 --> 00:10:00,665
You look terrible.
229
00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:02,167
I got a problem, Burt.
230
00:10:02,168 --> 00:10:04,169
Well, that's what I'm here for.
Let me have it.
231
00:10:04,170 --> 00:10:07,172
I met this girl,
and I'm going crazy
232
00:10:07,173 --> 00:10:09,174
because I don't know how
to get in touch with her.
233
00:10:09,175 --> 00:10:10,175
Where'd you meet her?
234
00:10:10,176 --> 00:10:11,177
In a cemetery.
235
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,681
You pick up girls
in the cemetery?
236
00:10:16,682 --> 00:10:19,184
It's a long story.
237
00:10:19,185 --> 00:10:20,185
It's crazy.
238
00:10:20,186 --> 00:10:21,186
The world is overflowing
with discos.
239
00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:22,687
He goes to a cemetery.
240
00:10:22,688 --> 00:10:25,190
I was there
visiting Elaine's grave,
241
00:10:25,191 --> 00:10:27,692
and she was there
visiting her husband's grave,
242
00:10:27,693 --> 00:10:28,693
and we started talking.
243
00:10:28,694 --> 00:10:30,695
Sounds romantic.
244
00:10:32,198 --> 00:10:33,198
Not really,
245
00:10:33,199 --> 00:10:34,199
and like a jerk,
246
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,201
I forgot to ask
for her phone number.
247
00:10:36,202 --> 00:10:37,702
Come on, you don't just waltz up
248
00:10:37,703 --> 00:10:39,204
to somebody who's in mourning
and say,
249
00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:40,705
"Excuse me, but when
you're finished talking
250
00:10:40,706 --> 00:10:41,706
"to your dearly departed,
251
00:10:41,707 --> 00:10:43,208
would you slip me
your phone number?"
252
00:10:43,209 --> 00:10:44,709
Well, then,
what should I do, Burt?
253
00:10:44,710 --> 00:10:45,710
Danny, come on.
254
00:10:45,711 --> 00:10:47,212
Think, think, think.
255
00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:52,217
She was talking to her
husband's grave... right?
256
00:10:52,218 --> 00:10:53,218
Yeah, so?
257
00:10:53,219 --> 00:10:56,721
So, on the stone,
there is information.
258
00:10:56,722 --> 00:10:58,723
Burt, they don't put
phone numbers
259
00:10:58,724 --> 00:11:00,225
on people's graves.
260
00:11:00,226 --> 00:11:03,728
No, Danny, Danny,
the name, the name.
261
00:11:03,729 --> 00:11:04,729
There's a name on the stone.
262
00:11:04,730 --> 00:11:06,231
The name, of course!
263
00:11:06,232 --> 00:11:07,232
There was a name.
264
00:11:07,233 --> 00:11:08,233
You're a genius, Burt.
265
00:11:08,234 --> 00:11:09,234
All right.
All right.
266
00:11:09,235 --> 00:11:10,235
Now, think, now.
267
00:11:10,236 --> 00:11:11,236
What was his name?
268
00:11:11,237 --> 00:11:12,238
Peter.
269
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:15,240
Terrific.
270
00:11:15,241 --> 00:11:17,742
Call every Peter in Connecticut.
271
00:11:17,743 --> 00:11:19,744
If one doesn't answer,
that's him.
272
00:11:19,745 --> 00:11:23,248
Peter and Polly...
273
00:11:23,249 --> 00:11:24,749
Mr. and Mrs. Peter...
274
00:11:26,151 --> 00:11:27,752
Damn, it's right on the tip
of my tongue.
275
00:11:27,753 --> 00:11:29,754
You know, it's funny
you should mention cemeteries,
276
00:11:29,755 --> 00:11:31,256
because I've had
this cemetery idea
277
00:11:31,257 --> 00:11:32,257
kicking around in my head here,
278
00:11:32,258 --> 00:11:33,758
and I just...
279
00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:35,760
You know, we're running out
of cemetery space.
280
00:11:35,761 --> 00:11:36,761
Now, what if we took a state
281
00:11:36,762 --> 00:11:39,264
that nobody hardly ever uses,
282
00:11:39,265 --> 00:11:41,766
like North Dakota.
283
00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:43,268
We knock down the mountains...
whew,
284
00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:45,270
we got a gigantic cemetery.
285
00:11:45,271 --> 00:11:48,273
I can almost see it. Pete.
286
00:11:48,274 --> 00:11:50,775
"Here lies Peter..."
287
00:11:50,776 --> 00:11:53,778
Even better than that,
listen to this one here:
288
00:11:53,779 --> 00:11:55,780
high-rise cemeteries.
289
00:11:55,781 --> 00:11:58,283
Peter and Polly...
290
00:11:58,284 --> 00:12:00,785
Everybody gets a drawer.
291
00:12:00,786 --> 00:12:03,288
It'll look like
one huge filing cabinet.
292
00:12:03,289 --> 00:12:05,290
Of course, we've got to be
very tasteful about it.
293
00:12:05,291 --> 00:12:06,291
Here, just figure.
294
00:12:06,292 --> 00:12:07,292
See this, now.
295
00:12:07,293 --> 00:12:08,793
This is Mr. A's slot, right?
296
00:12:08,794 --> 00:12:10,795
Voop, toom.
297
00:12:10,796 --> 00:12:15,300
His wife... Their cousin Al...
298
00:12:15,301 --> 00:12:20,805
The twins...
And old Uncle Harvey.
299
00:12:20,806 --> 00:12:21,806
Dawson!
300
00:12:21,807 --> 00:12:23,308
And the Dawsons.
What the hell?
301
00:12:23,309 --> 00:12:24,310
It's a gold mine.
302
00:12:26,312 --> 00:12:27,312
Polly Dawson.
303
00:12:27,313 --> 00:12:29,814
Dawson. That's the name.
304
00:12:29,815 --> 00:12:30,815
Hi.
305
00:12:30,816 --> 00:12:31,816
Hey, Jodie.
306
00:12:31,817 --> 00:12:33,818
I left Wendy
with Corinne for the day
307
00:12:33,819 --> 00:12:36,321
just so I could get away.
308
00:12:36,322 --> 00:12:37,822
Uh, Burt?
309
00:12:37,823 --> 00:12:38,823
Yeah?
310
00:12:38,824 --> 00:12:41,326
Are you you, or are you him?
311
00:12:41,327 --> 00:12:42,327
No, that's right.
312
00:12:42,328 --> 00:12:43,328
No, it's all over now.
313
00:12:43,329 --> 00:12:44,329
I'm me.
314
00:12:44,330 --> 00:12:45,330
There's nothing,
no problem. I'm me.
315
00:12:45,331 --> 00:12:46,331
How can I be sure?
316
00:12:46,332 --> 00:12:47,332
Jodie, please.
317
00:12:47,333 --> 00:12:48,333
Come on, prove it.
318
00:12:48,334 --> 00:12:50,835
Your mother's
maiden name was Gatling.
319
00:12:50,836 --> 00:12:51,836
Not good enough.
320
00:12:51,837 --> 00:12:53,838
Corinne Tate was adopted.
321
00:12:53,839 --> 00:12:55,340
Nothing.
322
00:12:55,341 --> 00:12:57,342
You went to your junior prom
with Mike Finnegan.
323
00:12:57,343 --> 00:12:58,843
Hiya, Burt.
324
00:12:58,844 --> 00:13:01,346
All right.
325
00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:03,848
Dawson.
326
00:13:03,849 --> 00:13:05,350
Dawson, Peter.
327
00:13:05,351 --> 00:13:07,352
There's two columns
of Peter Dawson.
328
00:13:07,353 --> 00:13:09,354
Who's he looking for?
329
00:13:09,355 --> 00:13:11,356
Peter Dawson.
330
00:13:11,357 --> 00:13:12,357
Who's that?
331
00:13:12,358 --> 00:13:13,358
Some dead guy.
332
00:13:13,359 --> 00:13:15,860
He wants to date his wife.
333
00:13:15,861 --> 00:13:18,863
That's playing it safe.
334
00:13:18,864 --> 00:13:20,365
Hello.
335
00:13:20,366 --> 00:13:23,368
Hello, yeah,
are you Peter Dawson?
336
00:13:23,369 --> 00:13:26,871
Oh. Oh, you're alive, then,
is that it?
337
00:13:26,872 --> 00:13:27,872
He's alive.
338
00:13:27,873 --> 00:13:30,875
There goes the weekend.
339
00:13:30,876 --> 00:13:33,378
Oh, listen, one more question.
340
00:13:33,379 --> 00:13:35,380
What color are you?
341
00:13:35,381 --> 00:13:38,383
Hello? Hello?
342
00:13:38,384 --> 00:13:41,386
"What color are you?"
343
00:13:41,387 --> 00:13:42,887
You ask a man if he's dead,
344
00:13:42,888 --> 00:13:44,389
then you ask him
what color he is?
345
00:13:44,390 --> 00:13:45,890
Come on, forget it,
will you, Burt?
346
00:13:45,891 --> 00:13:46,891
It's nothing.
347
00:13:46,892 --> 00:13:48,393
Wait a minute, wait a minute,
348
00:13:48,394 --> 00:13:49,394
wait a minute.
349
00:13:49,395 --> 00:13:50,395
What color are you?
350
00:13:50,396 --> 00:13:52,397
This woman, this woman,
351
00:13:52,398 --> 00:13:55,400
what...?
Is what, black?
352
00:13:55,401 --> 00:13:56,901
Yeah, what of it?
353
00:13:56,902 --> 00:14:00,405
A black woman?
354
00:14:02,408 --> 00:14:04,409
I don't see
anything wrong with it.
355
00:14:04,410 --> 00:14:06,412
Of course not, you date guys.
356
00:14:08,414 --> 00:14:10,415
I mean, what's a black lady
next to that?
357
00:14:10,416 --> 00:14:11,416
Nothing.
358
00:14:11,417 --> 00:14:12,917
You could walk in here
with a goat,
359
00:14:12,918 --> 00:14:13,919
I wouldn't blink.
360
00:14:15,421 --> 00:14:17,422
First he marries
a gangster's daughter,
361
00:14:17,423 --> 00:14:21,426
now he's in love
with a black widow.
362
00:14:21,427 --> 00:14:23,928
I never thought I'd hear you
talk like this, Burt.
363
00:14:23,929 --> 00:14:24,929
Talk like what?
364
00:14:24,930 --> 00:14:26,431
Just because
365
00:14:26,432 --> 00:14:27,432
I don't want him
to hurt himself?
366
00:14:27,433 --> 00:14:28,933
That's not what you said, Dad.
367
00:14:28,934 --> 00:14:30,935
Danny, that's the only reason
I said anything here.
368
00:14:30,936 --> 00:14:31,936
Wait a minute, you under...
369
00:14:31,937 --> 00:14:32,937
Danny.
370
00:14:32,938 --> 00:14:35,440
This has nothing to do
with black people.
371
00:14:35,441 --> 00:14:37,942
I just don't want you
to complicate your life.
372
00:14:37,943 --> 00:14:40,445
Come on,
it's complicated enough.
373
00:14:40,446 --> 00:14:41,446
Listen, Burt.
374
00:14:41,447 --> 00:14:42,947
Yesterday was the first time
375
00:14:42,948 --> 00:14:45,450
I enjoyed being with somebody
since Elaine,
376
00:14:45,451 --> 00:14:46,451
and I'm gonna find out why,
377
00:14:46,452 --> 00:14:49,954
so you can either help me
or leave me alone.
378
00:14:49,955 --> 00:14:50,955
All right, Danny.
379
00:14:50,956 --> 00:14:51,956
All right, all right, all right.
380
00:14:51,957 --> 00:14:52,957
All right, we'll help.
381
00:14:52,958 --> 00:14:53,958
Come on, sit.
382
00:14:53,959 --> 00:14:54,959
Come on, sit.
383
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:56,461
Tell us what you want us to do.
384
00:14:56,462 --> 00:14:57,962
All right.
385
00:14:57,963 --> 00:14:59,964
I figure if we hang out
in the cemetery long enough,
386
00:14:59,965 --> 00:15:01,966
she's bound to come back
to visit her husband,
387
00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:03,468
and when she does, we got her.
388
00:15:03,469 --> 00:15:05,470
So you want us to hang out
in the cemetery.
389
00:15:05,471 --> 00:15:07,972
Yeah. Now, we'll break it up
into shifts.
390
00:15:07,973 --> 00:15:09,474
I'll take the mornings.
391
00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:10,975
Jodie, you take the afternoons,
392
00:15:10,976 --> 00:15:12,978
and Burt, you take
the night shift.
393
00:15:15,481 --> 00:15:17,482
I really appreciate this.
394
00:15:17,483 --> 00:15:18,483
Come on, Jodie.
395
00:15:18,484 --> 00:15:19,985
Okay.
396
00:15:22,488 --> 00:15:24,489
All night...
397
00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:27,992
by myself in a cemetery.
398
00:15:27,993 --> 00:15:30,995
I hate cemeteries.
399
00:15:30,996 --> 00:15:33,498
Ha ha ha ha ha.
400
00:15:42,007 --> 00:15:43,008
Yes?
401
00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:49,514
Hello.
402
00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:50,515
Hello.
403
00:15:50,516 --> 00:15:51,516
May I come in?
404
00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:52,517
Of course.
405
00:15:52,518 --> 00:15:55,019
Oh, thank you.
406
00:15:55,020 --> 00:15:58,523
Oh, what little desks.
407
00:15:58,524 --> 00:16:02,026
Oh, when I was in school,
desks were much bigger,
408
00:16:02,027 --> 00:16:04,028
but of course,
then, I was much smaller,
409
00:16:04,029 --> 00:16:06,030
which is probably why
the desks were much bigger,
410
00:16:06,031 --> 00:16:08,032
so just forget I said that.
411
00:16:08,033 --> 00:16:10,035
All right.
412
00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:15,540
May I help you?
413
00:16:15,541 --> 00:16:16,541
No, thank you.
414
00:16:16,542 --> 00:16:17,542
I'll just wait.
415
00:16:17,543 --> 00:16:19,043
Who are you waiting for?
416
00:16:19,044 --> 00:16:20,545
The teacher.
417
00:16:20,546 --> 00:16:22,047
Oh.
418
00:16:24,049 --> 00:16:27,051
Are you staying after school?
419
00:16:27,052 --> 00:16:29,053
No, I'm Mrs. Walker.
420
00:16:29,054 --> 00:16:31,055
You're married?
421
00:16:31,056 --> 00:16:32,557
Oh, my goodness.
422
00:16:32,558 --> 00:16:35,560
Well, I mean,
not that I should judge.
423
00:16:35,561 --> 00:16:38,062
In India, they get married
when they're freshmen.
424
00:16:38,063 --> 00:16:42,066
In India,
and occasionally Tennessee.
425
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:44,069
No, I mean, I'm the teacher.
426
00:16:45,571 --> 00:16:48,072
Oh.
427
00:16:48,073 --> 00:16:50,074
Oh my...
428
00:16:50,075 --> 00:16:52,076
and you're married?
429
00:16:52,077 --> 00:16:54,078
Divorced. Who are you?
430
00:16:54,079 --> 00:16:57,081
I'm Jessica Tate,
Billy's mother.
431
00:16:57,082 --> 00:16:59,083
Oh.
432
00:16:59,084 --> 00:17:01,586
Oh, my.
433
00:17:01,587 --> 00:17:03,588
You see, I thought
it would be nice
434
00:17:03,589 --> 00:17:06,090
if we finally met one another.
435
00:17:06,091 --> 00:17:09,093
It's, uh, very nice to meet you.
436
00:17:09,094 --> 00:17:11,095
Well, it's very nice
to meet you too.
437
00:17:11,096 --> 00:17:13,098
You certainly don't look
like a teacher.
438
00:17:14,099 --> 00:17:15,600
What are you thinking?
439
00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:18,603
I was thinking about
what you must be thinking.
440
00:17:18,604 --> 00:17:20,605
Well, I don't know
what I'm thinking,
441
00:17:20,606 --> 00:17:24,108
so I have no idea
what you think I'm thinking.
442
00:17:24,109 --> 00:17:27,111
I think you're thinking
that I must be a little weird.
443
00:17:27,112 --> 00:17:28,112
Yes.
444
00:17:28,113 --> 00:17:30,615
Well, because...
445
00:17:30,616 --> 00:17:33,117
Billy's a student,
and I'm his teacher,
446
00:17:33,118 --> 00:17:35,620
and he is younger,
and I'm older...
447
00:17:35,621 --> 00:17:38,122
That had occurred to me.
448
00:17:38,123 --> 00:17:41,125
I do care about him,
Mrs. Tate.
449
00:17:41,126 --> 00:17:42,627
He's very special.
450
00:17:42,628 --> 00:17:43,628
I know...
451
00:17:43,629 --> 00:17:45,129
and sensitive,
452
00:17:45,130 --> 00:17:48,132
and I just don't want Billy
to be hurt.
453
00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:49,133
I mean,
454
00:17:49,134 --> 00:17:51,135
suppose some good-looking
hygiene teacher
455
00:17:51,136 --> 00:17:53,638
started hanging around you.
456
00:17:53,639 --> 00:17:55,640
I mean, not that I think
you're flighty or anything,
457
00:17:55,641 --> 00:17:59,143
but you do see my point.
458
00:17:59,144 --> 00:18:00,144
Well, yes,
459
00:18:00,145 --> 00:18:02,647
but what if Billy
falls for some cheerleader?
460
00:18:02,648 --> 00:18:04,148
Then who gets hurt?
461
00:18:04,149 --> 00:18:06,150
You see, I could be hurt
just as easily.
462
00:18:06,151 --> 00:18:10,655
Well, I guess maybe
we should just lay back
463
00:18:10,656 --> 00:18:12,658
and see what happens.
464
00:18:16,161 --> 00:18:19,163
Actually, I should do
the laying back,
465
00:18:19,164 --> 00:18:21,165
and you should just do
the seeing.
466
00:18:21,166 --> 00:18:23,668
It's a deal.
467
00:18:23,669 --> 00:18:26,671
Well, I guess
I'd better be going now.
468
00:18:26,672 --> 00:18:28,172
Oh, me too.
469
00:18:28,173 --> 00:18:29,674
I've got a meeting
with the history department
470
00:18:29,675 --> 00:18:31,676
in five minutes.
471
00:18:31,677 --> 00:18:34,178
So I'll just go.
472
00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:35,680
Okay.
473
00:18:38,684 --> 00:18:40,184
Yes?
474
00:18:40,185 --> 00:18:42,687
May I be excused?
475
00:18:44,690 --> 00:18:46,190
Yes, I'm sorry.
476
00:18:46,191 --> 00:18:48,693
Thank you.
477
00:18:48,694 --> 00:18:51,697
Oh, bye-bye.
478
00:18:59,705 --> 00:19:01,205
Wow, I don't know what to say.
479
00:19:01,206 --> 00:19:02,206
This is beautiful.
480
00:19:02,207 --> 00:19:04,208
Yeah, Bob picked it out.
481
00:19:04,209 --> 00:19:06,210
Well, it's terrific.
482
00:19:06,211 --> 00:19:09,714
Ducks go, "quack,"
and cows go, "moo,"
483
00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:12,216
and dogs go, "woof,"
and I wuve you,
484
00:19:12,217 --> 00:19:15,219
little Wendy-Wendy-
Wendy-Wendy.
485
00:19:15,220 --> 00:19:16,721
Ooh, ooh.
486
00:19:16,722 --> 00:19:18,723
Chuck, I have never
seen him like this.
487
00:19:18,724 --> 00:19:20,224
I didn't know there was
someone he actually liked.
488
00:19:20,225 --> 00:19:21,726
Oh, I love babies.
489
00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:23,728
They're short.
490
00:19:23,729 --> 00:19:24,729
Soon as they can talk back,
491
00:19:24,730 --> 00:19:26,230
I can't stand them.
492
00:19:26,231 --> 00:19:29,233
Chicks go "cluck,"
and cats go "meow,"
493
00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:32,737
and do I love you?
Wow, and how,
494
00:19:32,738 --> 00:19:35,740
little Wendy-Wendy-
Wendy-Wendy.
495
00:19:36,742 --> 00:19:37,742
Hey, listen, Jodie,
496
00:19:37,743 --> 00:19:38,743
if you ever need a babysitter,
497
00:19:38,744 --> 00:19:39,744
I'm available.
498
00:19:39,745 --> 00:19:41,245
Hey.
499
00:19:41,246 --> 00:19:43,247
Hey, that's... not
such a good idea.
500
00:19:43,248 --> 00:19:44,749
Oh, no, he's really
very good, actually.
501
00:19:44,750 --> 00:19:45,750
Oh, I'm sure he is.
502
00:19:45,751 --> 00:19:47,251
Listen, Jodie,
503
00:19:47,252 --> 00:19:48,753
I know that you're
a worried new father,
504
00:19:48,754 --> 00:19:49,754
but it's no big thing.
505
00:19:49,755 --> 00:19:52,256
I mean, just call
every half-hour or so.
506
00:19:52,257 --> 00:19:54,258
And he'd answer the phone?
507
00:19:54,259 --> 00:19:56,260
Unless I'm changing the baby.
508
00:19:56,261 --> 00:19:58,262
Well, I'll think about it, okay?
509
00:19:58,263 --> 00:20:00,264
Why don't you wash up
and we'll have lunch?
510
00:20:00,265 --> 00:20:01,766
Okay, I'll be out in a second.
511
00:20:01,767 --> 00:20:02,767
I'll go with you.
512
00:20:02,768 --> 00:20:03,768
Hey, what is it with you?
513
00:20:03,769 --> 00:20:05,269
Can't I ever go
by myself? Bob.
514
00:20:05,270 --> 00:20:06,771
What, do you think
I can't handle it
515
00:20:06,772 --> 00:20:07,773
or something?
516
00:20:13,779 --> 00:20:14,779
Yes?
517
00:20:14,780 --> 00:20:16,280
Mr. Dallas?
Yes.
518
00:20:16,281 --> 00:20:17,281
I'm Harlen Wisser.
519
00:20:17,282 --> 00:20:18,282
Yes?
520
00:20:18,283 --> 00:20:19,283
From the Child
Welfare Department.
521
00:20:19,284 --> 00:20:20,284
Yeah?
522
00:20:20,285 --> 00:20:21,285
May I come in?
523
00:20:21,286 --> 00:20:22,787
Well, I don't know yet.
524
00:20:22,788 --> 00:20:23,788
What's on your mind?
525
00:20:23,789 --> 00:20:24,789
Well, we received a call stating
526
00:20:24,790 --> 00:20:26,290
that you had an infant
in your apartment.
527
00:20:26,291 --> 00:20:27,792
So?
528
00:20:27,793 --> 00:20:29,293
Well, sir, we also
received a complaint.
529
00:20:29,294 --> 00:20:30,294
From who?
530
00:20:30,295 --> 00:20:31,295
It's a little difficult
531
00:20:31,296 --> 00:20:33,798
to discuss in the hallway.
532
00:20:33,799 --> 00:20:35,300
Thank you.
533
00:20:37,803 --> 00:20:38,803
Hmm.
534
00:20:38,804 --> 00:20:40,805
Hmm? What does "hmm" mean?
535
00:20:40,806 --> 00:20:44,308
Someone in the area
called our offices
536
00:20:44,309 --> 00:20:46,811
and told us that a single
young male homosexual
537
00:20:46,812 --> 00:20:47,812
was keeping a baby
in this apartment.
538
00:20:47,813 --> 00:20:48,813
Are you he?
539
00:20:48,814 --> 00:20:51,315
I happen to have
a baby here, yes.
540
00:20:51,316 --> 00:20:52,817
Right over there,
as a matter of fact.
541
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:56,320
He looks pale.
542
00:20:56,321 --> 00:21:00,324
He's a she, and so do you.
543
00:21:00,325 --> 00:21:02,326
Mr. Dallas,
please don't make this
544
00:21:02,327 --> 00:21:03,327
any harder than it already is.
545
00:21:03,328 --> 00:21:04,328
How am I making it hard?
546
00:21:04,329 --> 00:21:06,330
You walked in here.
I did not come to you.
547
00:21:06,331 --> 00:21:07,832
Are you a practicing homosexual?
548
00:21:07,833 --> 00:21:08,833
I don't have to practice.
549
00:21:08,834 --> 00:21:11,336
I'm very good at it.
550
00:21:14,339 --> 00:21:15,339
Where is the mother?
551
00:21:15,340 --> 00:21:16,340
I have no idea.
552
00:21:16,341 --> 00:21:17,341
Listen, who made the complaint?
553
00:21:17,342 --> 00:21:18,843
That's not important.
554
00:21:18,844 --> 00:21:20,344
Well, I'd hate
to punch the wrong nose.
555
00:21:20,345 --> 00:21:24,348
Oh, easily provoked to violence.
556
00:21:24,349 --> 00:21:27,351
Listen, you're beginning
to get on my nerves.
557
00:21:27,352 --> 00:21:29,353
I am the baby's father,
and I'm a good father,
558
00:21:29,354 --> 00:21:31,856
and you're... a very
interesting man.
559
00:21:31,857 --> 00:21:33,357
I'd love to go on
talking with you,
560
00:21:33,358 --> 00:21:34,859
but it's time to feed my child,
561
00:21:34,860 --> 00:21:35,860
so excuse me...
562
00:21:35,861 --> 00:21:37,361
Mr. Dallas,
a very serious complaint
563
00:21:37,362 --> 00:21:38,362
has been made against you,
564
00:21:38,363 --> 00:21:39,864
and if this child
is indeed in any danger,
565
00:21:39,865 --> 00:21:42,366
I'm afraid we are going to have
to take certain measures.
566
00:21:42,367 --> 00:21:44,368
Hey... my social life
and my child
567
00:21:44,369 --> 00:21:45,870
have nothing to do
with each other.
568
00:21:45,871 --> 00:21:47,872
My life is my child.
569
00:21:47,873 --> 00:21:48,873
Now, listen, I don't drink.
570
00:21:48,874 --> 00:21:50,875
I don't smoke.
I don't do drugs.
571
00:21:50,876 --> 00:21:51,876
I don't have wild parties here.
572
00:21:51,877 --> 00:21:53,378
I don't even like to dance.
573
00:21:54,379 --> 00:21:55,379
I'm a responsible parent
574
00:21:55,380 --> 00:21:57,381
who's trying to bring up
his little girl
575
00:21:57,382 --> 00:21:58,382
in the most wholesome
atmosphere possible,
576
00:21:58,383 --> 00:22:00,384
and the friends that I have
are equally responsible,
577
00:22:00,385 --> 00:22:02,887
wholesome, dependable,
sane individuals.
578
00:22:02,888 --> 00:22:03,888
I can't believe this.
579
00:22:03,889 --> 00:22:05,389
Will you look at this,
you idiot?
580
00:22:05,390 --> 00:22:06,390
Bob, it was a mistake.
581
00:22:06,391 --> 00:22:07,391
You'll dry.
582
00:22:07,392 --> 00:22:08,392
Oh, gee...
583
00:22:08,393 --> 00:22:10,895
Guys?
584
00:22:10,896 --> 00:22:13,398
Jodie, he washed his hands.
585
00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:16,400
Well, you're supposed
586
00:22:16,401 --> 00:22:17,401
to wash your hands afterwards.
587
00:22:17,402 --> 00:22:18,402
Yeah, well, you're supposed
588
00:22:18,403 --> 00:22:20,905
to put me down first, you moron.
589
00:22:20,906 --> 00:22:22,907
Now it's gonna
shrink like crazy.
590
00:22:22,908 --> 00:22:23,908
In a half an hour,
591
00:22:23,909 --> 00:22:25,910
I won't even be able to breathe.
592
00:22:25,911 --> 00:22:27,411
Hi there.
593
00:22:27,412 --> 00:22:28,412
Hey, who's the limp?
594
00:22:28,413 --> 00:22:30,415
Is he one of your tricks?
595
00:22:33,759 --> 00:22:34,919
They're working on a new act.
596
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:37,922
That man is arguing with a doll.
597
00:22:37,923 --> 00:22:38,923
Homosexuals and puppets?
598
00:22:38,924 --> 00:22:40,424
What kind of a place is this?
599
00:22:40,425 --> 00:22:41,425
Listen...
600
00:22:41,426 --> 00:22:42,426
this conversation is over.
601
00:22:42,427 --> 00:22:43,427
You're touching me, young man.
602
00:22:43,428 --> 00:22:44,428
Yeah, you were not invited in,
603
00:22:44,429 --> 00:22:48,432
and now you will be invited out.
604
00:22:48,433 --> 00:22:49,934
You might be
in big trouble, fella.
605
00:22:49,935 --> 00:22:50,935
Get out!
606
00:22:50,936 --> 00:22:52,436
Hey, way to go, Jodie.
607
00:22:52,437 --> 00:22:53,437
Yeah.
608
00:22:53,438 --> 00:22:55,439
I'm in big trouble, Chuck.
609
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:56,440
I'm in big trouble.
610
00:22:56,441 --> 00:22:57,441
I shouldn't have done that.
611
00:22:57,442 --> 00:22:58,943
That was really dumb.
612
00:22:58,944 --> 00:23:00,444
Oh, come on, Jodie.
613
00:23:00,445 --> 00:23:02,446
I mean, what can he possibly do?
614
00:23:02,447 --> 00:23:04,448
They can't take Wendy
away from me.
615
00:23:04,449 --> 00:23:05,950
I'll get character references.
616
00:23:05,951 --> 00:23:06,951
Hey, hey, no problem.
617
00:23:06,952 --> 00:23:08,452
Yeah, you got Danny.
618
00:23:08,453 --> 00:23:09,954
Don't forget Burt and Mary.
619
00:23:09,955 --> 00:23:11,455
Yeah, and Uncle Chester.
620
00:23:11,456 --> 00:23:12,957
Aunt Jessica.
621
00:23:12,958 --> 00:23:13,958
Chuck.
Bob.
622
00:23:13,959 --> 00:23:14,959
Dutch and Eunice...
623
00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:15,960
Corinne.
624
00:23:15,961 --> 00:23:17,461
And don't forget the Major.
625
00:23:17,462 --> 00:23:20,465
I'm in big trouble.
626
00:23:30,475 --> 00:23:32,977
ANNOUNCER:
Is Burt's insomnia really space lag,
627
00:23:32,978 --> 00:23:34,979
or has he just beenmaking up for lost time?
628
00:23:34,980 --> 00:23:36,981
Now that Jessica has met Leslie,
629
00:23:36,982 --> 00:23:38,983
does "teacher's pet"have new meaning?
630
00:23:38,984 --> 00:23:40,484
Will Danny find Polly,
631
00:23:40,485 --> 00:23:41,986
and if he does, what will he do?
632
00:23:41,987 --> 00:23:43,988
Now that Jessicahas caught Chester
633
00:23:43,989 --> 00:23:45,489
and told him he can't come home,
634
00:23:45,490 --> 00:23:46,490
what will he do?
635
00:23:46,491 --> 00:23:47,992
How will he changehis underwear?
636
00:23:47,993 --> 00:23:49,493
These questions and many others
637
00:23:49,494 --> 00:23:52,997
will be answeredin the next episode of Soap.
638
00:23:57,002 --> 00:24:00,004
Soap is videotapedbefore a studio audience.
42074
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