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1
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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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Dad's coming. Dad's coming.
2
00:01:21,912 --> 00:01:24,062
Don't giggle. You'll give it away.
3
00:01:24,272 --> 00:01:27,582
He's not to know Mom commissioned
a painting of herself for $2500.
4
00:01:29,072 --> 00:01:31,381
Really. Don't.
5
00:01:35,112 --> 00:01:38,104
Okay, okay.
Did you leave the price tag on?
6
00:01:38,312 --> 00:01:42,669
No, really, really, don't.
This could kill him, you know.
7
00:01:44,832 --> 00:01:48,029
Wait. Bud, don't we have
a loyalty to the man?
8
00:01:48,232 --> 00:01:50,268
That's a good one.
9
00:01:51,192 --> 00:01:52,420
I think he's coming. Okay.
10
00:01:52,632 --> 00:01:54,987
- Keep a straight face.
- Okay.
11
00:01:56,112 --> 00:01:57,340
Hi, kids.
12
00:02:00,952 --> 00:02:02,590
What?
13
00:02:02,872 --> 00:02:04,305
What?
14
00:02:06,992 --> 00:02:10,428
Nothing.
I guess we just love you so much.
15
00:02:11,072 --> 00:02:13,381
I've had a rotten day
and I'm in a foul mood.
16
00:02:13,592 --> 00:02:15,867
A fat woman came in
and said she was a size five.
17
00:02:16,072 --> 00:02:18,745
I shoved her hoof into a shoe...
18
00:02:19,792 --> 00:02:22,989
...my thumb got stuck
in the back of the shoe.
19
00:02:23,752 --> 00:02:27,791
She panicked, reared up,
and galloped around the store...
20
00:02:28,272 --> 00:02:30,740
...dragging me on the floor
behind her.
21
00:02:30,952 --> 00:02:33,227
Thank God a stick of butter
popped out her purse...
22
00:02:33,432 --> 00:02:35,150
...and I greased my way out of there.
23
00:02:37,472 --> 00:02:40,145
You know, we can't do this to the man.
We have to warn him.
24
00:02:40,352 --> 00:02:42,263
- Daddy?
- What?
25
00:02:42,472 --> 00:02:44,190
Nothing.
26
00:02:44,912 --> 00:02:47,472
Oh, by the way,
is your mom upstairs?
27
00:02:47,672 --> 00:02:49,105
- No, Dad.
- Good.
28
00:02:49,312 --> 00:02:51,826
Thank goodness
I don't have to look at her tonight.
29
00:02:55,592 --> 00:03:00,712
Feet. Women. Women's feet. Women.
Painting?
30
00:03:17,352 --> 00:03:18,751
I don't understand.
31
00:03:18,952 --> 00:03:21,671
Now, surely you'd think
he'd be screaming by now.
32
00:03:21,872 --> 00:03:23,863
Well, maybe we don't give Dad
enough credit.
33
00:03:24,072 --> 00:03:27,621
I mean, maybe he realizes
that he's been neglecting Mom lately...
34
00:03:27,832 --> 00:03:31,268
...and he's probably pondering that now
as he gazes fondly upon the face...
35
00:03:31,472 --> 00:03:33,064
...of his one true love.
36
00:03:33,272 --> 00:03:35,024
Oh, no!
37
00:03:44,912 --> 00:03:47,028
Or maybe not.
38
00:03:50,712 --> 00:03:51,940
How do you feel, Daddy?
39
00:03:53,792 --> 00:03:57,228
Like any man who just fell two stories
and landed on his head.
40
00:03:57,432 --> 00:03:59,662
Grateful not to be with your mother.
41
00:04:00,552 --> 00:04:03,430
- How long was I out?
- Two hours.
42
00:04:03,632 --> 00:04:05,031
Well, why didn't you call 911?
43
00:04:05,232 --> 00:04:07,462
I couldn't remember the number.
44
00:04:09,512 --> 00:04:11,468
Well, it doesn't matter.
45
00:04:11,672 --> 00:04:14,027
Do you know what happened
when I was unconscious?
46
00:04:14,512 --> 00:04:17,788
Oh, yeah. Kelly opened a Coors bottle
with your teeth.
47
00:04:18,872 --> 00:04:21,022
Don't listen to him, Dad.
It was only a soda.
48
00:04:21,912 --> 00:04:23,140
You had some too.
49
00:04:23,352 --> 00:04:25,912
- Shut up. Right in front of Dad.
- You started it.
50
00:04:26,112 --> 00:04:29,263
Oh, please.
It doesn't matter what you did.
51
00:04:29,472 --> 00:04:33,590
It only matters that I actually saw...
52
00:04:33,792 --> 00:04:35,384
...God.
53
00:04:36,672 --> 00:04:38,025
Okay.
54
00:04:38,232 --> 00:04:40,700
Kel, he may not be able
to sell shoes anymore...
55
00:04:40,912 --> 00:04:43,472
...but we can get him a gig
going cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
56
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:47,068
But I really did see him.
57
00:04:47,272 --> 00:04:49,467
Dad, please don't tell
anybody else about this...
58
00:04:49,672 --> 00:04:51,663
...because nobody is dumb enough
to believe...
59
00:04:51,872 --> 00:04:53,942
What did God look like, Dad?
60
00:04:55,512 --> 00:04:59,107
I don't know.
I couldn't take my eyes off his shoes.
61
00:05:01,152 --> 00:05:03,347
- You saw God's shoes?
- They were perfect, kids.
62
00:05:03,552 --> 00:05:06,112
Close-fitting,
surrounding each toe individually.
63
00:05:06,312 --> 00:05:09,384
- Probably a soft-worked kid leather.
- Well, what did you say to God?
64
00:05:09,632 --> 00:05:12,942
I said,
"Where'd you get those shoes?"
65
00:05:15,672 --> 00:05:18,027
You had one chance to talk
to the eternal creator...
66
00:05:18,232 --> 00:05:20,268
...of time, space
and the infinite universe...
67
00:05:20,472 --> 00:05:22,747
...and all you asked
is where he got his shoes?
68
00:05:22,952 --> 00:05:24,670
Did you tell him
your football stories?
69
00:05:25,832 --> 00:05:28,266
It was God, you idiot.
70
00:05:28,872 --> 00:05:31,864
He knows my football stories.
71
00:05:32,712 --> 00:05:34,782
Actually, I asked him
something very important.
72
00:05:34,992 --> 00:05:37,790
I said, what socks did he wear?
And you know what he said?
73
00:05:38,432 --> 00:05:41,981
"Don't need them. They're sewed in."
74
00:05:51,392 --> 00:05:54,509
Must I be the meat
in an imbecile sandwich?
75
00:05:59,632 --> 00:06:01,429
Bud, this is important.
76
00:06:01,632 --> 00:06:04,669
Now, Daddy, the next time
that you talk to God...
77
00:06:04,872 --> 00:06:08,262
...ask him
who's really buying Dockers.
78
00:06:10,112 --> 00:06:13,309
Come on. God can't be concerned
with these trivialities.
79
00:06:13,512 --> 00:06:15,184
We're talking shoes here.
80
00:06:15,392 --> 00:06:18,748
Now, kids, I now know
what my mission in life is.
81
00:06:18,952 --> 00:06:22,388
God chose me
to make the perfect shoes.
82
00:06:22,592 --> 00:06:23,820
God's shoes.
83
00:06:24,032 --> 00:06:25,704
Kids, bring me pen and paper
at once.
84
00:06:29,152 --> 00:06:31,268
Thank you.
Take this down quickly.
85
00:06:32,312 --> 00:06:36,749
Thou shalt have shoes
with toes stitched in.
86
00:06:36,952 --> 00:06:41,070
Thou shalt have socks
attacheth to yon shoes.
87
00:06:41,272 --> 00:06:46,346
And thou shalt have a lot of other stuff
that will come forthwith.
88
00:06:46,552 --> 00:06:49,544
It is I, I, Al Bundy...
89
00:06:49,752 --> 00:06:51,788
...who shall shod
the unwashed masses.
90
00:06:51,992 --> 00:06:57,510
I shalt not rest until every foot
sings the praises of thine shoes.
91
00:06:57,712 --> 00:07:01,307
Hallelujah, I say. Hallelujah!
92
00:07:11,872 --> 00:07:15,103
I don't think
I've ever been prouder of him.
93
00:07:16,672 --> 00:07:20,745
Well, God created both of you.
Think of the pride he's feeling.
94
00:07:22,472 --> 00:07:23,700
So let us understand.
95
00:07:23,912 --> 00:07:28,190
Your father has locked himself
in his room to build God's shoes.
96
00:07:31,112 --> 00:07:32,101
And Peggy?
97
00:07:32,432 --> 00:07:35,265
Sensing Dad's delicate condition,
she took back the painting...
98
00:07:35,472 --> 00:07:37,542
...kept the money
and went to the Mardi Gras.
99
00:07:38,632 --> 00:07:42,864
He's really been up there
40 days and 40 nights?
100
00:07:43,432 --> 00:07:45,787
Well, actually,
40 days and 39 nights.
101
00:07:45,992 --> 00:07:49,029
He took a break to watch
Planet of the D Cups.
102
00:07:51,712 --> 00:07:54,180
He said God told him to.
103
00:07:55,392 --> 00:07:59,305
- Think he'll be all right, Mrs. D'Arcy?
- How much worse can he be?
104
00:08:11,832 --> 00:08:16,462
Behold, I hold God's shoes.
105
00:08:17,352 --> 00:08:19,866
But who holds Dad's brain?
106
00:08:20,592 --> 00:08:24,221
Yea, so it cameth to be
that I laboured 40 days and 40 nights.
107
00:08:24,432 --> 00:08:27,822
Let the rains come.
Thou shalt have shoe.
108
00:08:28,312 --> 00:08:31,349
This should do wonders
for my property value.
109
00:08:31,792 --> 00:08:34,670
Are thine worthy
to gaze upon yon shoe?
110
00:08:34,872 --> 00:08:36,828
Brush your teeth.
111
00:08:37,432 --> 00:08:40,071
Nobody cares about your stupid shoes
and nobody believes...
112
00:08:40,312 --> 00:08:43,622
Let me gaze upon the shoes, Al.
113
00:08:45,232 --> 00:08:48,349
Surely you cannot be serious!
114
00:08:48,552 --> 00:08:50,782
Marcie, don't you understand?
115
00:08:50,992 --> 00:08:54,826
Don't you see the glory
and the majesty of what I just saw?
116
00:08:55,032 --> 00:08:57,102
The perfect marketing hook.
117
00:08:57,312 --> 00:09:00,304
And I'm in on the ground floor.
I can see the billboards now.
118
00:09:00,512 --> 00:09:03,948
"Al knows God,
and God knows shoes."
119
00:09:04,152 --> 00:09:06,222
It's a sales bonanza, Marcie.
120
00:09:06,432 --> 00:09:07,911
How much money do we have?
121
00:09:08,112 --> 00:09:10,751
Well, I have
several thousand dollars.
122
00:09:10,952 --> 00:09:13,750
You have change for coffee.
123
00:09:14,272 --> 00:09:17,344
I shall go forth unto the people
to reveal God's shoes...
124
00:09:17,552 --> 00:09:21,181
...and multiply upon them.
125
00:09:24,112 --> 00:09:26,945
Let me come with you, Al, and learn.
126
00:09:27,152 --> 00:09:30,986
- How much we gonna charge per pair?
- I will hear nothing of price.
127
00:09:31,192 --> 00:09:33,752
That's your job.
You're the marketing guy.
128
00:09:43,272 --> 00:09:46,309
Hey, babe, this is Grand Master B.
129
00:09:47,552 --> 00:09:50,828
I was wondering if you'd join me
in the back seat of a moving vehicle...
130
00:09:51,032 --> 00:09:54,547
...for a ride so wild
you gots to be 21.
131
00:09:58,912 --> 00:10:02,427
Yes, that was my father
walking the freeway in his robe.
132
00:10:04,752 --> 00:10:06,344
Goodbye.
133
00:10:07,632 --> 00:10:10,942
Boy, you know, they talk about
an illiterate society.
134
00:10:11,152 --> 00:10:14,030
Well, it seems to me
that everyone reads the newspaper.
135
00:10:14,232 --> 00:10:16,792
Well, I don't
and I still believe in Dad.
136
00:10:16,992 --> 00:10:19,631
Well, not quite as much as I did
with his failure...
137
00:10:19,832 --> 00:10:22,665
...to walk across Lake Michigan
to spread the shoe to Canada...
138
00:10:22,872 --> 00:10:25,227
...but he is going into production
on these shoes.
139
00:10:25,432 --> 00:10:27,343
Five thousand pairs.
140
00:10:27,552 --> 00:10:28,951
Wonder where he got the money.
141
00:10:29,712 --> 00:10:32,829
Did I leave my new Rolex over here?
142
00:10:33,672 --> 00:10:36,186
God, I am just
so scatterbrained lately.
143
00:10:36,392 --> 00:10:38,064
I mean, first I misplace my watch.
144
00:10:38,272 --> 00:10:40,024
And then I can't seem to remember...
145
00:10:40,232 --> 00:10:42,905
...this $25,000 check
made out to cash...
146
00:10:43,112 --> 00:10:46,184
...that I seemed to have written
in someone else's handwriting.
147
00:10:46,792 --> 00:10:50,865
By the way, has anyone seen
my soon-to-be-late husband?
148
00:10:52,832 --> 00:10:55,665
Well, who wants to touch
the prototypes?
149
00:10:55,872 --> 00:10:59,023
We got thousands of these babies
rolling off the assembly line now.
150
00:10:59,992 --> 00:11:01,391
Jefferson...
151
00:11:01,592 --> 00:11:04,106
...before I tell the baby
why its father is buried...
152
00:11:04,312 --> 00:11:06,906
...in four or five separate graves...
153
00:11:07,592 --> 00:11:10,709
...can you tell me
where every cent I have is?
154
00:11:11,112 --> 00:11:13,182
Advertising, baby.
155
00:11:13,392 --> 00:11:15,860
We contacted all the big talk shows
about having Al on.
156
00:11:16,072 --> 00:11:17,585
He should be on any minute.
157
00:11:17,792 --> 00:11:21,341
Just what big-time talk show
did you book him onto?
158
00:11:32,032 --> 00:11:38,585
Welcome back to Scary Mary's
Real Scary Mummy Movie Matinee.
159
00:11:39,272 --> 00:11:42,662
Now, before we get back
to our feature called...
160
00:11:42,872 --> 00:11:45,432
...What's That in the Bathroom?
161
00:11:45,632 --> 00:11:48,100
...we have a special treat
for you kids.
162
00:11:48,312 --> 00:11:53,511
Our special guest is Al Bundy,
shoe salesman.
163
00:11:58,392 --> 00:12:01,190
I've seen this show. It's excellent.
164
00:12:03,472 --> 00:12:05,349
This is what you booked him on?
165
00:12:05,552 --> 00:12:09,625
Well, every time I called Oprah
it seemed to be lunchtime.
166
00:12:10,152 --> 00:12:12,791
We're on our way, baby.
We're on our way.
167
00:12:12,992 --> 00:12:18,020
Kids, Al here says that he was scared
out of his bedroom window...
168
00:12:18,232 --> 00:12:21,224
...by a picture of his wife.
169
00:12:22,672 --> 00:12:27,666
Al says he saw God
after he hit the pavement.
170
00:12:33,512 --> 00:12:34,945
Then what happened, Al?
171
00:12:35,152 --> 00:12:37,222
Well, Scary Mary...
172
00:12:37,432 --> 00:12:39,309
...I saw God's shoes.
173
00:12:42,352 --> 00:12:44,024
Tell us all about it, Al.
174
00:12:44,232 --> 00:12:45,870
Well, Mary, believe it or not...
175
00:12:46,072 --> 00:12:48,666
...people mock me
for me having seen God's shoes.
176
00:12:48,872 --> 00:12:53,184
They throw things, shoot pellets at me,
sic dogs at me.
177
00:12:54,632 --> 00:12:57,783
And I know some of you kids out there
are the ones responsible for it.
178
00:12:57,992 --> 00:13:00,267
I'll get you, I swear.
179
00:13:00,952 --> 00:13:03,944
But I just persevere
with my message.
180
00:13:05,312 --> 00:13:08,463
Well, there you have it,
boys and girls.
181
00:13:08,672 --> 00:13:10,469
Al Bundy.
182
00:13:10,672 --> 00:13:15,063
You might want to check
under your beds for him tonight.
183
00:13:15,872 --> 00:13:18,625
And now, back to our movie.
184
00:13:18,872 --> 00:13:21,432
Wait. I was told I could
sell my shoes on this show.
185
00:13:21,632 --> 00:13:24,385
- Your producers promised me.
- Look, what do you want from me?
186
00:13:24,592 --> 00:13:26,310
I'm just a hand in a crummy sock.
187
00:13:26,512 --> 00:13:30,300
You'll be a sock full of bloody knuckles
if I don't get to peddle my shoes here!
188
00:13:30,512 --> 00:13:32,070
I'm on a holy mission.
189
00:13:32,272 --> 00:13:34,149
Stagehand! Stagehands over here.
190
00:13:34,352 --> 00:13:36,820
Well, they're God's shoes
and they're real comfortable.
191
00:13:37,032 --> 00:13:39,102
See, the socks are already built in.
192
00:13:39,312 --> 00:13:42,861
- Kids, if you're by the phone...
- See, I wear them myself. See?
193
00:13:43,072 --> 00:13:46,860
- 911. Can we get that on the screen?
- I'll kill you, Mary! I'll kill you!
194
00:13:49,552 --> 00:13:52,703
Sell it, baby, sell it.
Next stop, Ted Koppel.
195
00:13:52,912 --> 00:13:54,789
I bet Koppel gives him
the whole half-hour.
196
00:13:55,592 --> 00:13:57,264
Well, maybe 15 minutes.
197
00:13:57,472 --> 00:14:01,021
The rest will be taken up by the
"headless man found in lake" story.
198
00:14:01,232 --> 00:14:04,110
- When did that happen?
- Soon, honey.
199
00:14:05,192 --> 00:14:08,229
Point your staff at them, Dad.
Turn them all into snakes.
200
00:14:08,672 --> 00:14:09,900
That's not a staff, Kel.
201
00:14:10,112 --> 00:14:12,910
It's a branch one of
the neighbourhood kids threw at him.
202
00:14:13,112 --> 00:14:14,340
Well, what's the difference?
203
00:14:14,552 --> 00:14:18,022
He's still got the shoe pointed
at a camera. Way to go, buddy.
204
00:14:18,232 --> 00:14:19,460
Idiot.
205
00:14:19,672 --> 00:14:22,789
You sunk all of my money
into this man's vision?
206
00:14:22,992 --> 00:14:25,745
Hey, trust me just a little, babe.
207
00:14:25,952 --> 00:14:28,102
This is to loosen him up
in front of the camera.
208
00:14:28,312 --> 00:14:31,463
I'm gonna plaster his face
all over the tube.
209
00:14:35,712 --> 00:14:37,942
Welcome to People to Laugh At.
210
00:14:38,152 --> 00:14:40,143
I'm Dr. Jonathan Blue.
211
00:14:40,352 --> 00:14:44,106
Today's panel is made up of people
who have had head injuries...
212
00:14:44,312 --> 00:14:46,587
...and claim to have seen God.
213
00:14:46,792 --> 00:14:48,066
Let's start with Bob here.
214
00:14:48,272 --> 00:14:50,103
Well, I was eating
in this restaurant...
215
00:14:50,312 --> 00:14:52,348
...and a waitress hits my head
with a tray...
216
00:14:52,552 --> 00:14:55,225
...and I saw God
in my hot and sour soup.
217
00:14:55,432 --> 00:14:57,787
He told me,
"Don't order the meat loaf."
218
00:14:59,992 --> 00:15:02,506
Good, Bob. Lola?
219
00:15:03,392 --> 00:15:07,180
I fell off this table I was dancing on
and there he was.
220
00:15:07,392 --> 00:15:09,587
I gave him change for a 5.
221
00:15:09,792 --> 00:15:11,464
Thank you, Lola.
222
00:15:11,672 --> 00:15:14,391
And now, not just a man
who saw God...
223
00:15:14,592 --> 00:15:17,106
...but a man who's actually
gone into business with him:
224
00:15:17,312 --> 00:15:18,540
Al Bundy.
225
00:15:19,152 --> 00:15:21,063
Ladies and gentlemen...
226
00:15:21,272 --> 00:15:23,263
...I will demonstrate the power
of the shoes.
227
00:15:23,472 --> 00:15:27,351
I shall release them so you may
see them hover and fly about me.
228
00:15:31,512 --> 00:15:33,230
That's great, Al.
229
00:15:33,432 --> 00:15:35,992
Let's get to some callers,
shall we?
230
00:15:36,632 --> 00:15:39,100
Our first caller is Jerry,
a trucker from lowa.
231
00:15:39,312 --> 00:15:41,951
What would you like to ask
of those who've been touched?
232
00:15:42,152 --> 00:15:44,541
I'd lik e to see the girlie dance.
233
00:15:47,992 --> 00:15:50,108
We'll just go to our next caller.
234
00:15:50,312 --> 00:15:51,540
Derrick from Peoria.
235
00:15:51,752 --> 00:15:54,630
Derrick, do you have a question
about an out-of-body experience?
236
00:15:54,832 --> 00:15:57,300
Yeah, I got this '85 Bonneville...
237
00:15:57,512 --> 00:15:59,707
...and the side mouldings
just won't stay on...
238
00:15:59,912 --> 00:16:04,827
Derrick, that's out-of-body experience,
not auto-body experience.
239
00:16:07,032 --> 00:16:09,023
Well, can I see the girlie dance?
240
00:16:17,272 --> 00:16:19,467
Doc, I think we've got another caller.
241
00:16:20,312 --> 00:16:22,826
Okay, okay. Go ahead, caller.
242
00:16:23,032 --> 00:16:25,262
Yeah, this is for the insane guy
with the shoes.
243
00:16:25,712 --> 00:16:27,270
Yes?
244
00:16:27,472 --> 00:16:31,067
My name is Bu... Bub.
Yeah, Bub.
245
00:16:31,272 --> 00:16:34,901
Listen, did you ever once think what
your insanity is doing to your family?
246
00:16:35,392 --> 00:16:37,030
Especially your son.
247
00:16:37,232 --> 00:16:39,063
Put on your pants,
for heaven's sak e.
248
00:16:39,272 --> 00:16:40,990
Go to work, you bum.
249
00:16:41,192 --> 00:16:43,626
Bud? Bud, is that you?
250
00:16:43,832 --> 00:16:46,790
I'm warning you, Dad.
I will not live lik e this.
251
00:16:46,992 --> 00:16:49,347
Don't you understand it's hard enough
to get a date...
252
00:16:49,552 --> 00:16:52,749
These people are morons.
Let's go to the next caller.
253
00:16:55,712 --> 00:16:57,668
No more calls?
254
00:16:58,832 --> 00:17:01,266
Okay, baby, dance.
255
00:17:21,792 --> 00:17:23,020
All in all, not bad.
256
00:17:24,872 --> 00:17:26,351
Come on, babe.
257
00:17:26,552 --> 00:17:29,430
I still think this God angle's
gonna bring in the suckers.
258
00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:30,860
Oh, please.
259
00:17:31,072 --> 00:17:34,542
The only thing biblical about this
is the proportion of its failure.
260
00:17:36,432 --> 00:17:39,549
If I might be so old
as to interject here.
261
00:17:40,952 --> 00:17:45,707
Now, I will grant you that God's shoes
is somewhat, well, silly.
262
00:17:45,912 --> 00:17:49,666
But not any sillier than the pet rock,
the mood ring...
263
00:17:49,872 --> 00:17:52,067
...or, of course,
NBC's Sunday night line-up.
264
00:17:55,192 --> 00:17:56,830
Now, the point here is:
265
00:17:57,032 --> 00:18:01,708
Why don't we just give Dad a chance?
It might just work.
266
00:18:02,272 --> 00:18:04,547
Why didn't it work?
267
00:18:04,752 --> 00:18:07,107
Because it was a stupid idea, Daddy.
268
00:18:07,312 --> 00:18:08,870
I mean, if we think about it...
269
00:18:09,072 --> 00:18:11,028
...God probably doesn't
even need shoes.
270
00:18:11,232 --> 00:18:13,666
He can afford good carpeting.
271
00:18:14,192 --> 00:18:15,784
And if he ever needed anything...
272
00:18:15,992 --> 00:18:18,347
...like a Big Gulp
or batteries or something...
273
00:18:18,552 --> 00:18:21,749
...l'm sure the 7-Elevens up in heaven
don't have those signs that say:
274
00:18:21,952 --> 00:18:24,750
"No shirt, no shoes, no service."
275
00:18:25,792 --> 00:18:27,020
And even if they did...
276
00:18:27,232 --> 00:18:30,588
...who's gonna yank a Slim Jim
out of God's mouth?
277
00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:34,109
Or is all this
just going over your head?
278
00:18:34,312 --> 00:18:36,223
No, honey. No, it's not.
279
00:18:36,432 --> 00:18:39,981
It's just dancing around in there
with some of your other ponderings.
280
00:18:40,712 --> 00:18:42,384
Like, "What would a chair
look like...
281
00:18:42,592 --> 00:18:45,026
...if our knees were
in the back of our legs?"
282
00:18:49,632 --> 00:18:52,590
I made a teacher retire with that one.
283
00:18:53,512 --> 00:18:57,221
Yeah. Well, at least
there's something.
284
00:18:57,432 --> 00:18:58,660
What, Daddy?
285
00:18:58,872 --> 00:19:01,625
They're repossessing Marcie's car.
286
00:19:02,472 --> 00:19:04,224
I didn't know
they had a hood ornament.
287
00:19:04,432 --> 00:19:07,185
No, that's just
what's left of Jefferson.
288
00:19:07,392 --> 00:19:10,031
Well, at least
he's out of his pain now.
289
00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:13,622
You know, I sense you're getting down
on yourself, Daddy, and that's wrong.
290
00:19:13,832 --> 00:19:15,265
I mean, look on the bright side.
291
00:19:15,472 --> 00:19:18,828
Most men with your string of failures
would have long since have tasted...
292
00:19:19,032 --> 00:19:22,024
...the cold, cruel blade
of his own Ginsu by now.
293
00:19:22,232 --> 00:19:23,460
But not you, Daddy.
294
00:19:23,672 --> 00:19:26,903
You keep trying and that's
what makes you Daddy, Daddy.
295
00:19:27,112 --> 00:19:31,105
And as long as you don't tell
any of my friends, I love you.
296
00:19:32,032 --> 00:19:33,784
Well, thank you, pumpkin.
297
00:19:33,992 --> 00:19:36,665
That makes old Dad feel a lot better.
298
00:19:37,592 --> 00:19:39,344
Attadaddy.
299
00:19:48,352 --> 00:19:50,468
See, that's what I was talking about.
300
00:19:50,672 --> 00:19:55,223
Most men wouldn't bother to
flap their arms, but you keep trying.
301
00:19:59,312 --> 00:20:00,950
Daddy?
302
00:20:23,032 --> 00:20:24,704
You again.
303
00:20:27,512 --> 00:20:28,706
You're God?
304
00:20:29,432 --> 00:20:33,186
No. I'm Sidney Rimhollow.
305
00:20:33,392 --> 00:20:36,384
I was a shoe salesman
outside of Tulsa.
306
00:20:36,592 --> 00:20:40,665
I got the idea for these shoes
back in 1925.
307
00:20:40,872 --> 00:20:42,828
Didn't sell a one.
308
00:20:43,032 --> 00:20:46,581
But luckily, I had a loving wife
and two children...
309
00:20:46,792 --> 00:20:49,784
...who hired a hit man to kill me.
310
00:20:50,552 --> 00:20:52,702
Why didn't you tell me
the shoes were no good?
311
00:20:52,952 --> 00:20:56,911
Well, you thought I was God.
So I went along with it.
312
00:20:57,112 --> 00:20:59,148
You won't get away with it.
I'm telling God.
313
00:20:59,392 --> 00:21:02,350
- Where is he?
- No, no, no. He can't be disturbed.
314
00:21:02,552 --> 00:21:05,020
He's watching Knots Landing.
315
00:21:06,512 --> 00:21:09,470
I always wondered
why that show was never cancelled.
316
00:21:15,872 --> 00:21:20,548
Well, where's my cloud,
my harp and my virgin?
317
00:21:21,752 --> 00:21:24,664
Sorry, Al, you're not dead yet.
318
00:21:24,872 --> 00:21:28,262
But this time we're not
sending you back empty-handed.
319
00:21:28,472 --> 00:21:29,985
Listen. I got this idea...
320
00:21:33,112 --> 00:21:37,469
So you see, kids, there's really
no reason to worry about me anymore.
321
00:21:37,672 --> 00:21:39,628
I have divine guidance now.
322
00:21:39,832 --> 00:21:42,585
Sid and I put our heads together
and came up with a new idea.
323
00:21:42,792 --> 00:21:45,226
Shoehorn of Plenty.
324
00:21:45,432 --> 00:21:48,708
See, kids, it's kind of a combination
shoe store and burger joint.
325
00:21:48,912 --> 00:21:50,948
While you eat, you try on shoes.
326
00:21:51,152 --> 00:21:53,746
By the way, did I say
the burgers coming down the shoot...
327
00:21:53,952 --> 00:21:55,704
...will be shaped like a shoehorn?
328
00:21:57,152 --> 00:21:58,870
No, Dad, you didn't.
329
00:21:59,072 --> 00:22:01,950
Well, I can't take credit for that idea.
That was John Wayne.
330
00:22:02,152 --> 00:22:03,870
But you know
what our motto's gonna be?
331
00:22:04,072 --> 00:22:07,542
"If you're not shod,
the meal's on God."
332
00:22:08,552 --> 00:22:11,862
I guess that'll put to rest
those rumours of my insanity.
26591
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