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1
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AMMONIA: Take it out, Lurcio. Take it out!
2
00:00:21,446 --> 00:00:24,483
-All right. Yes, mistress, yes.
-No one's going to see you.
3
00:00:24,566 --> 00:00:27,160
-All right, mistress, all right.
-Take the statue to the plasterer's.
4
00:00:27,246 --> 00:00:29,714
All right, mistress! All right!
5
00:00:29,806 --> 00:00:32,240
Oh, dear, she does go on.
Who would be a slave?
6
00:00:33,046 --> 00:00:36,959
Well, when you have to walk through the streets
of Pompeii, right through carrying this,
7
00:00:37,046 --> 00:00:40,800
I mean, you really have
touched rock bottom, haven't you?
8
00:00:42,566 --> 00:00:44,875
No, well, it's not good enough.
9
00:00:45,366 --> 00:00:46,845
Oh, excuse me.
10
00:00:47,646 --> 00:00:48,999
Now, this is, uh...
11
00:00:49,086 --> 00:00:51,122
This is... Well, this is bust, you see?
12
00:00:51,206 --> 00:00:53,197
But, erm,
13
00:00:53,286 --> 00:00:56,244
you know, erm...
14
00:00:56,326 --> 00:00:59,238
Please, please, now just remember
where we are.
15
00:00:59,326 --> 00:01:01,760
This, this is Ceres.
16
00:01:01,846 --> 00:01:04,041
Ceres, the goddess of plenty.
17
00:01:04,566 --> 00:01:06,875
And I do mean plenty.
18
00:01:06,966 --> 00:01:09,241
Definitely a double-feature attraction.
19
00:01:09,326 --> 00:01:11,920
Well, I better take you inside, I think,
20
00:01:12,006 --> 00:01:14,679
lest autumn comes quickly in.
21
00:01:14,766 --> 00:01:19,203
Autumn. Autumn, leaves falling,
you understand? Come on.
22
00:01:19,286 --> 00:01:23,564
No. I can't explain all these
precious jewels of jokes, you know.
23
00:01:23,646 --> 00:01:25,079
Going for a song.
24
00:01:25,166 --> 00:01:27,157
(HUMMING)
25
00:01:29,166 --> 00:01:31,634
Well, now. Greetings, good citizens.
26
00:01:32,686 --> 00:01:35,154
Ooh. The prologue.
27
00:01:35,886 --> 00:01:37,035
Now,
28
00:01:37,126 --> 00:01:41,244
our story today concerns Aphrodite.
29
00:01:41,326 --> 00:01:45,114
Aphrodite, who as you
may or may not know
30
00:01:45,206 --> 00:01:48,403
is that cow of a woman
who lives next door.
31
00:01:48,726 --> 00:01:51,286
I hate her. I don't care.
I do, honestly, I hate her.
32
00:01:51,366 --> 00:01:53,084
Now, look, you know me.
33
00:01:53,166 --> 00:01:55,600
I'm the last one to talk
about anyone behind their backs.
34
00:01:55,686 --> 00:01:57,119
I mean, you know that.
35
00:01:57,206 --> 00:01:59,401
But it came to pass...
36
00:01:59,526 --> 00:02:02,120
Woe, woe!
37
00:02:02,206 --> 00:02:04,845
Oh, dear. It sounds like
the milkman calling his horse.
38
00:02:04,926 --> 00:02:06,723
Nay, nay!
39
00:02:06,806 --> 00:02:08,762
I think it is his horse.
40
00:02:09,366 --> 00:02:11,163
-Beware!
-Oh, dear.
41
00:02:11,246 --> 00:02:13,806
Here she is, the soothsayer, Senna.
42
00:02:13,886 --> 00:02:15,205
Woe, woe!
43
00:02:15,286 --> 00:02:17,402
Oh, doesn't she go through you?
44
00:02:17,486 --> 00:02:20,717
-Dishonour will fall on this house this day!
-Dishonour?
45
00:02:20,806 --> 00:02:24,640
One who is a traitor to the state
will be exposed and laid bare.
46
00:02:24,726 --> 00:02:27,445
Oh, well, I think it's
the best way to be laid, dear.
47
00:02:27,526 --> 00:02:29,642
-A seeker of intimate details will come...
-Yes?
48
00:02:29,726 --> 00:02:32,604
...pitting man against man,
woman against woman.
49
00:02:32,686 --> 00:02:34,881
Yes, and vice versa, I trust.
50
00:02:36,086 --> 00:02:38,919
-Or we all shall be in trouble, yes.
-Beware, beware!
51
00:02:39,006 --> 00:02:41,236
-Beware!
-Oh, dear. Poor old soul.
52
00:02:41,326 --> 00:02:43,556
It is a damn shame.
She is a real misery.
53
00:02:43,646 --> 00:02:46,319
No, she has these visions.
Nasty visions.
54
00:02:46,406 --> 00:02:50,365
Ever since she saw something nasty
in the woodshed.
55
00:02:51,246 --> 00:02:54,955
Actually it was the gardener
sawing himself off a piece. But I mean...
56
00:02:55,046 --> 00:02:59,722
It was a real...
It's been a burden to her, poor soul.
57
00:03:00,686 --> 00:03:02,642
Now, the prologue.
58
00:03:02,726 --> 00:03:05,194
Now, this woman Aphrodite. I hate her.
59
00:03:05,286 --> 00:03:10,041
I absolutely hate her. And, d'you know,
I'm the last one to scandal monger
60
00:03:10,126 --> 00:03:13,198
but last week there was no less
than eight men in there.
61
00:03:13,286 --> 00:03:14,878
She had no less than eight men!
62
00:03:14,966 --> 00:03:17,560
Now, look, you can't tell me
she's forming a tug-of-war team.
63
00:03:17,646 --> 00:03:20,797
I don't believe it. What do you
think I am, stupid or something?
64
00:03:22,046 --> 00:03:24,276
Well, don't take a vote on it!
65
00:03:24,846 --> 00:03:27,121
Don't be wicked.
No, anyway... It came to pass...
66
00:03:27,206 --> 00:03:29,401
Lurcio! Lurcio!
67
00:03:29,486 --> 00:03:32,000
-Yes, master?
-What are you doing?
68
00:03:32,126 --> 00:03:33,957
-I'm doing the prologue, master.
-Well, don't.
69
00:03:34,046 --> 00:03:38,278
Lurcio, I've got myself
into the most awful trouble.
70
00:03:38,366 --> 00:03:40,641
Oh, don't tell me
you've joined her tug-of-war team.
71
00:03:40,726 --> 00:03:42,921
-Shh! Not here.
-What?
72
00:03:43,006 --> 00:03:46,396
-Come into the house.
-Oh, yes, all right, yes. I better go in, I suppose.
73
00:03:46,486 --> 00:03:49,125
-Lurcio, Lurcio!
-Yes, master.
74
00:03:49,206 --> 00:03:51,561
-Where's your mistress?
-She's upstairs, in the bath.
75
00:03:51,646 --> 00:03:54,604
Ah, good, good. Is anyone else in?
76
00:03:54,686 --> 00:03:58,361
Oh, no. There's hardly room
for two, master.
77
00:03:58,446 --> 00:04:01,836
-In the house, I mean.
-No, master. Only us. Just you and I.
78
00:04:02,966 --> 00:04:04,160
-Lurcio?
-Yes.
79
00:04:04,246 --> 00:04:05,725
For some time now,
80
00:04:05,806 --> 00:04:10,084
I have had the honour of being
the Minister of Defence, as you know.
81
00:04:10,166 --> 00:04:13,954
Yes. But they don't know,
so you better continue.
82
00:04:14,046 --> 00:04:17,959
Now, this morning I discovered
that someone had stolen
83
00:04:18,046 --> 00:04:21,163
the plans for our new secret weapon.
84
00:04:21,246 --> 00:04:23,237
Not the giant catapult?
85
00:04:23,326 --> 00:04:25,123
Yes.
86
00:04:25,206 --> 00:04:27,037
How did you know about it?
87
00:04:27,126 --> 00:04:29,037
Well, I heard it from the milkman.
88
00:04:29,126 --> 00:04:31,924
That's funny,
I was told by the dustman.
89
00:04:32,006 --> 00:04:33,075
Ooh.
90
00:04:33,166 --> 00:04:34,645
-But Lurcio.
-What?
91
00:04:34,726 --> 00:04:38,036
I don't think you appreciate
the seriousness of this situation.
92
00:04:38,126 --> 00:04:41,163
Oh, I do. You can tell
by the lack of laughs. Oh, I do.
93
00:04:42,326 --> 00:04:44,362
-You see, this catapult...
-What?
94
00:04:44,686 --> 00:04:47,723
...can hurl a missile through the air
95
00:04:47,806 --> 00:04:50,957
a distance of fully 25 feet.
96
00:04:51,046 --> 00:04:54,402
25 feet! 25 feet!
97
00:04:54,486 --> 00:04:56,442
(BOTH SPEAKING IN HIGH PITCH)
98
00:04:56,526 --> 00:04:59,279
No, don't you try. Don't you try it.
99
00:04:59,366 --> 00:05:02,881
You'll hurt yourself. Keep down there.
That's the best thing for you.
100
00:05:02,966 --> 00:05:04,479
-When I tell you...
-What?
101
00:05:04,566 --> 00:05:08,479
...that that missile
is the size of a coconut!
102
00:05:08,726 --> 00:05:11,286
-A coconut?
-In fact,
103
00:05:11,686 --> 00:05:13,199
it is a coconut!
104
00:05:13,286 --> 00:05:15,004
It is a coconut!
105
00:05:15,086 --> 00:05:18,920
Well, you can see that
if that fell into enemy hands,
106
00:05:19,006 --> 00:05:22,316
it could be the end of
civilisation as we know it!
107
00:05:22,446 --> 00:05:25,324
Yes, one lovely bunch of coconuts,
108
00:05:26,286 --> 00:05:27,878
and up Pompeii.
109
00:05:28,086 --> 00:05:31,362
You see, the plan was stolen
from my office.
110
00:05:31,566 --> 00:05:32,635
-Your office?
-Yes.
111
00:05:32,726 --> 00:05:35,001
Now, look, master.
Think very carefully now.
112
00:05:35,086 --> 00:05:37,759
Are you sure you've searched
in your drawers?
113
00:05:37,846 --> 00:05:39,837
But I'm not wearing any.
114
00:05:43,046 --> 00:05:47,119
That's in answer to all of those viewers
who have written in asking.
115
00:05:47,206 --> 00:05:49,083
Mostly from Scotland.
116
00:05:50,366 --> 00:05:51,401
-So, Lurcio.
-What?
117
00:05:51,486 --> 00:05:54,683
-Now, this plan, we must search...
-NAUSIUS: Lurcio, Lurcio!
118
00:05:54,766 --> 00:05:56,484
It's my son. My son. Shh.
119
00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:59,040
-Not a word about this.
-Oh, no, master. No, no, no.
120
00:05:59,566 --> 00:06:02,080
Oh, hello, Pater. Pater, the most
wonderful thing has happened.
121
00:06:02,166 --> 00:06:05,715
I have no time for that now, my son.
I'm late for the Senate.
122
00:06:05,806 --> 00:06:08,559
Oh, poor Pater.
It seems to be all work and no play.
123
00:06:08,646 --> 00:06:12,798
Yeah, I know. And when he does
try to play, it doesn't work.
124
00:06:14,086 --> 00:06:15,644
-Oh, Lurcio.
-What, master?
125
00:06:15,726 --> 00:06:17,921
I have seen a wondrous sight.
126
00:06:18,006 --> 00:06:20,440
Don't tell me you've seen
one of those coconuts.
127
00:06:20,526 --> 00:06:22,835
-A magnificent maiden.
-A maiden?
128
00:06:23,086 --> 00:06:25,395
Yes. Now, Lurcio,
I shall never be the same again.
129
00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:27,442
Oh! Eh?
130
00:06:27,526 --> 00:06:31,041
Don't tell me you've finally sort of...
131
00:06:31,126 --> 00:06:32,354
You know, sort of...
132
00:06:32,446 --> 00:06:33,595
Met?
133
00:06:33,686 --> 00:06:36,996
Well, I didn't exactly mean that.
134
00:06:37,086 --> 00:06:39,600
Oh, alas now, Lurcio.
She doesn't even know that I'm alive.
135
00:06:39,686 --> 00:06:40,721
No.
136
00:06:40,806 --> 00:06:43,320
I wouldn't swear to it meself
without a second opinion.
137
00:06:43,406 --> 00:06:47,399
Every night I sit in a wine shop opposite
her apartment waiting for her to pass by.
138
00:06:47,486 --> 00:06:51,479
-Do you?
-But when she does I'm too tiddly even to wink.
139
00:06:52,606 --> 00:06:55,484
Look, I'll do the corny gags. Do you mind?
140
00:06:55,646 --> 00:06:56,840
-Oh, but, Lurcio...
-What?
141
00:06:56,926 --> 00:06:59,121
-I've written an ode to her.
-Oh, you haven't.
142
00:06:59,206 --> 00:07:01,879
-I have.
-He has. Aw.
143
00:07:01,966 --> 00:07:04,764
May I resuscitate this ode
144
00:07:04,846 --> 00:07:07,121
to the assembled conglomeration?
145
00:07:07,206 --> 00:07:08,355
Please.
146
00:07:08,446 --> 00:07:10,164
His ode, how sweet.
147
00:07:10,486 --> 00:07:12,875
"Ode to a Chaste Woman."
148
00:07:12,966 --> 00:07:15,526
Listen, it's not that woman
living next door to us, is it?
149
00:07:15,606 --> 00:07:17,164
-No.
-You sure? Because I hate her.
150
00:07:17,246 --> 00:07:20,158
I hate the sight of her.
All right, friends. His ode.
151
00:07:20,246 --> 00:07:22,714
"She walks in beauty like the night
152
00:07:22,846 --> 00:07:25,485
Her charms I cannot resist
153
00:07:25,566 --> 00:07:29,036
I'll drink one more toast
to her I love most
154
00:07:29,166 --> 00:07:31,964
And get myself thoroughly miserable"
155
00:07:37,286 --> 00:07:39,481
I was lost for a rhyme there.
156
00:07:42,966 --> 00:07:47,801
Kissed. Kissed. I mean, it's so
obvious, isn't it? So obvious.
157
00:07:48,526 --> 00:07:51,199
It's obvious to me, at any rate.
158
00:07:51,286 --> 00:07:54,244
You speak for yourselves. Not now!
159
00:07:54,966 --> 00:07:56,319
-Thank you, Lurcio. Thank you.
-Not at all.
160
00:07:56,406 --> 00:07:58,715
I'm going to stick it
on the wall above my bed.
161
00:07:58,806 --> 00:08:01,479
I was going to suggest
you stick it somewhere else.
162
00:08:04,206 --> 00:08:07,960
Strange boy. Most strange.
He goes from bed to verse.
163
00:08:08,046 --> 00:08:10,844
Bed to verse! Come on, buck up!
164
00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:13,516
We're flogging ourselves to death here.
165
00:08:13,606 --> 00:08:16,803
Oh, isn't this whimsical, isn't it?
Well, please yourselves. Hark!
166
00:08:16,886 --> 00:08:18,001
(KNOCKING)
167
00:08:18,166 --> 00:08:19,201
Hello?
168
00:08:19,286 --> 00:08:21,481
A stranger cometh. Excuse me.
169
00:08:22,766 --> 00:08:24,199
Yes, not today, thank you.
170
00:08:24,286 --> 00:08:25,878
(SHUSHING)
171
00:08:25,966 --> 00:08:27,365
Pardon?
172
00:08:27,926 --> 00:08:29,962
Shut the door and bolt it.
173
00:08:34,086 --> 00:08:35,405
I say,
174
00:08:35,526 --> 00:08:37,801
if you've come about
the smell on the landing...
175
00:08:37,886 --> 00:08:40,559
(SHUSHING)
176
00:08:40,966 --> 00:08:42,081
What?
177
00:08:42,526 --> 00:08:44,642
Walls have ears.
178
00:08:44,886 --> 00:08:48,322
-Pardon?
-Walls have ears.
179
00:08:50,406 --> 00:08:52,874
Since we're exchanging information,
180
00:08:53,326 --> 00:08:55,237
ceilings get plastered.
181
00:08:56,526 --> 00:08:58,482
Ceilings get plastered!
182
00:08:59,686 --> 00:09:01,563
Don't bother.
183
00:09:03,926 --> 00:09:05,803
What a funny man.
184
00:09:06,286 --> 00:09:08,720
What do you mean, this show needs one?
185
00:09:08,806 --> 00:09:10,524
Would you mind shutting your gobs?
186
00:09:10,606 --> 00:09:11,755
Shh!
187
00:09:11,846 --> 00:09:13,802
Don't do that, please!
I'm getting soaked!
188
00:09:13,886 --> 00:09:16,354
This was cleaned only today.
Now, please.
189
00:09:16,566 --> 00:09:19,205
Is this the house of Senator Ludicrus?
190
00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:23,001
If it is, just say,
"My rhubarb is wilting."
191
00:09:23,086 --> 00:09:24,405
If it isn't...
192
00:09:26,726 --> 00:09:28,682
If it isn't, just say,
193
00:09:28,766 --> 00:09:32,042
"The herrings fly high tonight."
194
00:09:34,406 --> 00:09:37,125
My rhubarb is wilting.
195
00:09:38,646 --> 00:09:40,079
Thank heaven.
196
00:09:40,366 --> 00:09:42,197
It isn't, as you know.
197
00:09:43,366 --> 00:09:46,324
But you have to humour them, don't you?
Now, where's he gone?
198
00:09:46,406 --> 00:09:47,680
Oh, my stomach went over.
199
00:09:47,766 --> 00:09:49,040
-Shh!
-Don't keep doing that,
200
00:09:49,126 --> 00:09:51,515
you've caught the whole
front row of the audience.
201
00:09:51,606 --> 00:09:52,721
-Now desist.
-Now, look!
202
00:09:52,806 --> 00:09:54,364
What?
203
00:09:54,446 --> 00:09:57,836
Are you one of us?
204
00:09:58,606 --> 00:10:00,085
Pardon?
205
00:10:00,166 --> 00:10:02,919
Are you one of us?
206
00:10:03,006 --> 00:10:06,885
It depends who you are,
I should think. Don't you?
207
00:10:07,686 --> 00:10:10,154
Hello? Where's he taking me?
208
00:10:10,406 --> 00:10:11,441
Eh?
209
00:10:11,526 --> 00:10:13,881
I am Spurious.
210
00:10:14,966 --> 00:10:17,275
Well, I must say,
you don't surprise me.
211
00:10:17,366 --> 00:10:18,685
-Spurious!
-Spurious?
212
00:10:18,766 --> 00:10:20,119
-MIV.
-MIV?
213
00:10:20,206 --> 00:10:21,924
Military Intelligence, section five.
214
00:10:22,006 --> 00:10:25,396
Oh, MIV... Five! You see, five.
You see? Excuse fingers.
215
00:10:25,486 --> 00:10:27,841
Shh!
216
00:10:28,526 --> 00:10:30,278
Can I trust you?
217
00:10:30,726 --> 00:10:33,559
I think the thing is,
can I trust you? Yes.
218
00:10:33,766 --> 00:10:37,156
-But there's no one else.
-Well, thank God for that.
219
00:10:37,246 --> 00:10:39,123
-They're coming to get me.
-Are they?
220
00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:42,039
I wish they'd come before this show,
I'll tell you that much.
221
00:10:42,126 --> 00:10:43,605
-Now, look.
-What?
222
00:10:43,686 --> 00:10:46,325
You'll never guess what I've got here.
223
00:10:49,646 --> 00:10:51,443
I hesitate to think.
224
00:10:53,406 --> 00:10:54,998
This is the missing plan.
225
00:10:55,086 --> 00:10:56,963
-The missing plan? The plan!
-The missing plan!
226
00:10:57,126 --> 00:10:59,356
-See that it gets back to Senator Ludicrus.
-Yes, yes.
227
00:10:59,446 --> 00:11:01,198
-And tell no one else about this.
-No, no one else.
228
00:11:01,286 --> 00:11:03,925
-No one! No one!
-All right, I've got the point. No one.
229
00:11:04,006 --> 00:11:05,519
-Conceal it.
-Conceal it.
230
00:11:05,606 --> 00:11:06,641
Upon your person.
231
00:11:06,726 --> 00:11:08,318
-Very well, conceal it upon my person.
-Yes.
232
00:11:08,406 --> 00:11:11,523
All right. Now, where shall I put it?
233
00:11:14,926 --> 00:11:17,156
You dare! You dare! Go on.
234
00:11:18,246 --> 00:11:20,965
I know, I'll tuck it under my girdle.
235
00:11:22,246 --> 00:11:23,725
Excuse me.
236
00:11:26,806 --> 00:11:28,159
I shan't keep you long.
237
00:11:28,246 --> 00:11:30,601
No, I don't have to wear a girdle.
238
00:11:30,686 --> 00:11:33,996
The only thing is, you see,
it keeps these knickers up.
239
00:11:34,646 --> 00:11:36,318
Are you jealous? You're jealous!
240
00:11:36,406 --> 00:11:37,441
What? Oh!
241
00:11:37,526 --> 00:11:38,845
-Come and sit down.
-Sit down, yes.
242
00:11:38,926 --> 00:11:41,121
-Sit down. Mind, take this.
-Yes.
243
00:11:41,206 --> 00:11:43,162
-And write this down.
-Write this down.
244
00:11:43,366 --> 00:11:45,402
Yes. Oh, God, yes.
245
00:11:45,766 --> 00:11:48,599
-Right, go!
-The name of the traitor...
246
00:11:48,686 --> 00:11:53,157
The name of the traitor...
247
00:11:53,286 --> 00:11:54,435
-...within...
-Yes.
248
00:11:54,526 --> 00:11:58,439
-...our midst...
-Within our midst...
249
00:11:58,526 --> 00:11:59,675
-Yes?
-...is...
250
00:11:59,766 --> 00:12:00,881
Is...
251
00:12:00,966 --> 00:12:02,001
-Eh!
-Yes.
252
00:12:02,086 --> 00:12:03,155
-Oh!
-Ooh.
253
00:12:03,246 --> 00:12:04,474
-Aah!
-Not too fast.
254
00:12:04,566 --> 00:12:05,635
O.
255
00:12:05,726 --> 00:12:06,761
-Eh!
-E.
256
00:12:06,846 --> 00:12:08,040
-Aah!
-Ah.
257
00:12:08,126 --> 00:12:09,354
Oh!
258
00:12:11,086 --> 00:12:13,600
This must be a Red Indian,
I think.
259
00:12:15,726 --> 00:12:19,401
Oh, dear, look.
I've lost the damn point.
260
00:12:19,486 --> 00:12:23,081
Excuse me, you don't happen to have
a knife on you by any chance, do you?
261
00:12:23,846 --> 00:12:25,757
Oh, ta.
262
00:12:25,846 --> 00:12:27,074
Funny place to keep a knife, isn't it?
263
00:12:27,166 --> 00:12:28,440
(SPURIOUS GROANS)
264
00:12:28,926 --> 00:12:30,120
-What?
-They've got me!
265
00:12:30,246 --> 00:12:32,396
-They've what?
-I'm dying!
266
00:12:32,606 --> 00:12:34,642
-Dying!
-Well, you can't die here!
267
00:12:34,726 --> 00:12:36,045
This is the living room.
268
00:12:36,126 --> 00:12:37,605
This is the li...
269
00:12:40,246 --> 00:12:42,521
You wouldn't get this
from Harold Pinter.
270
00:12:42,606 --> 00:12:44,085
What do you mean
you wouldn't want it?
271
00:12:44,166 --> 00:12:45,201
-Aah!
-What?
272
00:12:45,286 --> 00:12:46,958
I'm sinking fast.
273
00:12:47,046 --> 00:12:50,277
The good blood flows fast
from my body. I'm going!
274
00:12:50,646 --> 00:12:54,321
The beats of my staunch heart
grow fainter. I'm going fast!
275
00:12:54,486 --> 00:12:56,124
My eyes cloud over.
276
00:12:56,206 --> 00:12:57,719
My muscles stiffen.
277
00:12:57,806 --> 00:12:59,034
I'm going!
278
00:12:59,126 --> 00:13:00,161
I'm going!
279
00:13:00,246 --> 00:13:02,316
Oh, for goodness' sake, go!
280
00:13:03,446 --> 00:13:06,438
We shall be here all night. It's
only supposed to be a small part.
281
00:13:07,526 --> 00:13:08,845
What are you trying to get in,
the honours list?
282
00:13:08,926 --> 00:13:10,644
(GROANING)
283
00:13:12,046 --> 00:13:13,445
I've gone!
284
00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:15,437
Yes, you have. Too far.
285
00:13:16,086 --> 00:13:17,565
-Now...
-I almost forgot.
286
00:13:17,646 --> 00:13:19,955
Oh, God, he's come back again.
287
00:13:20,046 --> 00:13:21,525
-The traitor...
-The traitor?
288
00:13:21,606 --> 00:13:23,198
-...within our midst...
-Within out midst.
289
00:13:23,286 --> 00:13:25,436
-...outside...
-Outside?
290
00:13:25,526 --> 00:13:27,721
-...the window.
-Yes? Yes?
291
00:13:27,806 --> 00:13:29,205
(GROANS)
292
00:13:29,286 --> 00:13:31,356
Well, have you gone this time? Good.
293
00:13:31,446 --> 00:13:33,402
Let's hope it's for good, excuse me.
294
00:13:33,486 --> 00:13:34,521
That's right.
295
00:13:34,606 --> 00:13:37,598
He'll catch his death,
he'll catch his death.
296
00:13:40,006 --> 00:13:41,155
Now...
297
00:13:45,686 --> 00:13:47,677
Did you see anybody out here?
A traitor?
298
00:13:47,766 --> 00:13:50,234
-With a knife?
-AMMONIA: Lurcio!
299
00:13:50,326 --> 00:13:51,645
Yes, mistress.
300
00:13:51,726 --> 00:13:54,604
AMMONIA: Lurcio,
I need you. Quickly!
301
00:13:54,686 --> 00:13:56,358
Yes, that will be the mistress.
302
00:13:56,446 --> 00:13:58,880
I expect she wants her oil rub.
303
00:13:58,966 --> 00:14:01,719
You know, every time she has a bath,
I have to rub her down all over with oil.
304
00:14:01,806 --> 00:14:02,955
You know, all over, yes.
305
00:14:03,046 --> 00:14:06,595
Yes, it helps her to slip
into something comfortable.
306
00:14:06,686 --> 00:14:09,758
Lurcio? Lurcio, there you are.
I'm expecting a guest.
307
00:14:09,846 --> 00:14:12,041
Oh, no, mistress... Mistr...
308
00:14:12,126 --> 00:14:13,798
Oh, mistress. Oh, dear!
309
00:14:13,886 --> 00:14:15,842
Something terrible
has happened! Terrible!
310
00:14:15,926 --> 00:14:19,157
In this very room a man
has been done to death!
311
00:14:19,246 --> 00:14:23,797
Oh, nonsense, Lurcio. I'm the only one here,
and I'd never do any man to death.
312
00:14:26,206 --> 00:14:27,400
True.
313
00:14:27,766 --> 00:14:30,917
But I've seen a few taken
from her room damn near it.
314
00:14:31,006 --> 00:14:32,564
Lurcio, you talk rubbish.
315
00:14:32,646 --> 00:14:35,638
No, mistress, please,
there's a man... Look, ah...
316
00:14:35,726 --> 00:14:37,921
I'll prove it. I'll prove it. Look.
317
00:14:38,006 --> 00:14:40,440
Look! This man...
318
00:14:40,526 --> 00:14:42,278
Lurcio, have you been drinking?
319
00:14:42,366 --> 00:14:45,358
Yes. Bottoms up. I mean... No...
320
00:14:45,446 --> 00:14:49,041
Mistress, oh, no! There's a man
with his herrings wilting.
321
00:14:49,126 --> 00:14:51,640
-Wilting herrings?
-No, well, it's all flourishing.
322
00:14:51,726 --> 00:14:55,514
And his rhubarb! That was it...
Oh, dear, I don't know where I'm at...
323
00:14:55,606 --> 00:14:58,404
Lurcio, Lurcio, I fear
you've had a touch of the sun.
324
00:14:58,486 --> 00:15:00,283
-No, it's true! I can prove it!
-Oh?
325
00:15:00,366 --> 00:15:01,640
Mistress, I can prove it.
326
00:15:01,726 --> 00:15:05,924
I've got in my girdle tucked
something which will shock you.
327
00:15:06,006 --> 00:15:08,679
-Really?
-Mistress, yes, let me just show you.
328
00:15:08,766 --> 00:15:12,281
Believe me, it hurls coconuts 25 feet.
329
00:15:14,566 --> 00:15:16,761
-Lurcio!
-Yes, mistress, honestly.
330
00:15:16,846 --> 00:15:18,518
Of course, if you're coconut-shy.
331
00:15:18,606 --> 00:15:20,198
Coconut-shy!
332
00:15:20,286 --> 00:15:22,595
Oh, no, we must be serious.
This is a serious thing.
333
00:15:22,686 --> 00:15:26,076
No, I mustn't show you. I promised
I would show it to no one except the master.
334
00:15:26,166 --> 00:15:28,999
Oh, really, Lurcio,
I've had enough of this nonsense.
335
00:15:29,086 --> 00:15:32,965
I shall be in my room.
And when my guest arrives send him up.
336
00:15:33,046 --> 00:15:35,321
Yes, mistress. Oh, but it doesn't...
337
00:15:35,526 --> 00:15:36,800
Oh, dear.
338
00:15:37,286 --> 00:15:40,039
I must be the victim
of some ghastly plot.
339
00:15:40,126 --> 00:15:43,323
And believe me, this is the
ghastliest plot we've had so far.
340
00:15:43,406 --> 00:15:45,476
I wish they'd just stick
to gags and nothing else.
341
00:15:45,566 --> 00:15:47,079
They're much easier.
342
00:15:47,806 --> 00:15:51,321
(JAMES BOND THEME PLAYING ON THE HARP)
343
00:15:51,526 --> 00:15:52,675
Hello?
344
00:15:52,766 --> 00:15:54,802
Where's that music coming from?
345
00:15:54,886 --> 00:15:57,116
I didn't leave the harp on.
346
00:15:58,526 --> 00:16:00,801
Greetings, friend.
347
00:16:00,886 --> 00:16:02,763
Oh, sir.
348
00:16:02,846 --> 00:16:06,282
Oh, this is 00VII.
349
00:16:08,006 --> 00:16:11,237
Look, 007. Come on,
don't be ignorant.
350
00:16:11,526 --> 00:16:13,437
Jamus Bondus.
351
00:16:13,526 --> 00:16:15,801
All right, kids,
you can go home now.
352
00:16:15,886 --> 00:16:17,285
-Oh, Jamus!
-Oh, no!
353
00:16:17,366 --> 00:16:20,517
I think I can walk the rest
of the way myself.
354
00:16:20,606 --> 00:16:23,166
-Sir.
-I think you have something that I want.
355
00:16:23,246 --> 00:16:26,204
Yeah, I was just going to say
the same thing about you, actually.
356
00:16:26,286 --> 00:16:29,517
-A plan, to be exact.
-A plan, yes, sir. Yes.
357
00:16:29,606 --> 00:16:32,484
A plan. Yes, I wonder.
I wonder if I can trust him.
358
00:16:32,766 --> 00:16:35,917
You see, he might be working
for the other side, mightn't he? Hmm.
359
00:16:36,006 --> 00:16:38,076
I'll test him.
360
00:16:38,886 --> 00:16:41,639
-May I ask you a personal question?
-Yes.
361
00:16:43,366 --> 00:16:45,755
How flourishes your rhubarb?
362
00:16:47,846 --> 00:16:49,757
I beg your pardon?
363
00:16:50,406 --> 00:16:52,556
Let me put it this way.
364
00:16:53,606 --> 00:16:55,198
How wilteth
365
00:16:57,086 --> 00:16:58,519
your herrings?
366
00:17:00,046 --> 00:17:03,163
I don't think you can be
the chap that I'm looking for.
367
00:17:03,246 --> 00:17:06,044
-Do you mind if I have a look around?
-Of course, of course.
368
00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:08,196
After all, what have I got to hide?
369
00:17:08,286 --> 00:17:10,516
Very little, I should imagine.
370
00:17:13,686 --> 00:17:16,837
Little does he know,
it hurls coconuts 25 feet.
371
00:17:18,406 --> 00:17:20,078
You won't go away, will you?
372
00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:23,596
Oh, no. Oh, well, I'm sorry,
I have an appointment.
373
00:17:23,726 --> 00:17:26,194
But it can wait.
374
00:17:26,326 --> 00:17:28,282
Oh, I should hate to have to hurt you.
375
00:17:28,366 --> 00:17:31,324
Yes, well, I'm very glad about that.
Excuse me, what are you doing?
376
00:17:31,486 --> 00:17:33,397
I am fitting a silencer.
377
00:17:36,046 --> 00:17:38,514
I see. He must want a little peace.
378
00:17:45,366 --> 00:17:47,641
I say, it opens this way.
379
00:17:50,046 --> 00:17:52,162
Mmm, clever.
380
00:17:53,686 --> 00:17:55,802
I can't think how
he got the part, can you?
381
00:17:55,886 --> 00:17:59,401
Lurcio? Lurcio, I heard talking.
Has my guest arrived?
382
00:17:59,486 --> 00:18:01,795
Yes... Now... Well...
Ooh... Ah, now...
383
00:18:01,926 --> 00:18:03,803
Well, no. Yes. It's... See...
384
00:18:03,886 --> 00:18:07,356
You see, it's anoth... It's a stranger.
It's a stranger. Not the one you expected.
385
00:18:07,446 --> 00:18:10,882
Oh, how disappointing. But is
there anything I can do for him?
386
00:18:10,966 --> 00:18:13,605
-No, I think he's after something else, mistress.
-Oh.
387
00:18:13,686 --> 00:18:16,359
Let me think.
Now, I don't know, though.
388
00:18:16,446 --> 00:18:18,277
Ah, this Bondus man.
389
00:18:19,286 --> 00:18:23,916
I've heard he has a weakness
for women. Yes.
390
00:18:24,126 --> 00:18:26,515
Pompeii is full of Bond's women.
391
00:18:26,726 --> 00:18:28,205
Bondswomen.
392
00:18:29,166 --> 00:18:32,158
I have to laugh meself,
and I'm in it.
393
00:18:32,646 --> 00:18:36,241
Now, I wonder if she
could get something out of him.
394
00:18:36,326 --> 00:18:38,840
She'll probably be able to,
she's had plenty of practice.
395
00:18:38,926 --> 00:18:40,484
-Mistress, mistress.
-Yes?
396
00:18:40,566 --> 00:18:42,522
The master.
The master is in trouble.
397
00:18:42,606 --> 00:18:45,245
Oh, at his age, I can't imagine how.
398
00:18:45,326 --> 00:18:49,478
Look, mistress, I wonder if you could
get this man, you see, and...
399
00:18:49,566 --> 00:18:51,284
And find out what he's after.
400
00:18:51,366 --> 00:18:53,960
(GASPS) Lurcio, what are you suggesting?
401
00:18:54,046 --> 00:18:57,641
Well, I'm suggesting
you take him to one side alone
402
00:18:57,886 --> 00:18:59,524
and use your wiles.
403
00:18:59,926 --> 00:19:01,644
-Wiles?
-Just for a while.
404
00:19:01,726 --> 00:19:04,684
Oh, certainly not. Really, Lurcio,
what do you think I am?
405
00:19:04,766 --> 00:19:07,883
That I, the wife of
a prominent Roman senator,
406
00:19:07,966 --> 00:19:11,481
could stoop to fling myself
at any man just to... Certainly not.
407
00:19:11,566 --> 00:19:12,760
(CLEARING THROAT)
408
00:19:14,526 --> 00:19:16,437
Until we've been introduced.
409
00:19:17,086 --> 00:19:20,396
Oh, this is Jamus Bondus.
410
00:19:20,486 --> 00:19:22,363
I am the lady Ammonia.
411
00:19:22,526 --> 00:19:25,086
The wife of Senator Ludicrus Sextus.
412
00:19:25,566 --> 00:19:28,080
I have heard that you
had a great beauty.
413
00:19:28,166 --> 00:19:30,760
Funny, I've heard the same about you.
414
00:19:31,086 --> 00:19:32,201
Hello.
415
00:19:33,246 --> 00:19:34,440
Listen.
416
00:19:35,526 --> 00:19:38,916
There's going to be two falls
and two submissions.
417
00:19:39,966 --> 00:19:43,595
Is there anywhere
that we can talk alone?
418
00:19:44,646 --> 00:19:46,238
The music room.
419
00:19:46,326 --> 00:19:48,999
Excellent.
Let's go and play something.
420
00:19:51,846 --> 00:19:53,996
Ooh, look! Ooh!
421
00:19:54,086 --> 00:19:55,724
It's getting interesting now.
Let's have a look, shall we?
422
00:19:55,806 --> 00:19:57,637
Come, let's have a look, shall we?
Come on, come have a look.
423
00:19:57,726 --> 00:19:59,682
That's it. Have a look,
see what's going on.
424
00:19:59,766 --> 00:20:01,882
Don't rush, there's plenty of time.
425
00:20:01,966 --> 00:20:04,560
Oh, no, there isn't! Quick, hurry!
426
00:20:05,046 --> 00:20:08,197
(LURCIO EXCLAIMING)
427
00:20:08,326 --> 00:20:10,442
That's enough. That's enough.
428
00:20:10,526 --> 00:20:13,598
Go on, get back. Go on, get back.
That's enough. You've had enough.
429
00:20:13,686 --> 00:20:15,756
You won't sleep tonight.
430
00:20:16,526 --> 00:20:18,721
Neither shall I, come to that. Oh, dear.
431
00:20:18,806 --> 00:20:20,717
Oh, dear. Oh, dear,
now what shall we do?
432
00:20:20,806 --> 00:20:22,956
While they're in there
for the next 10 minutes?
433
00:20:23,046 --> 00:20:26,641
I don't feel like doing the prologue,
do you? I've gone right off that.
434
00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:29,365
I feel all taut.
Do you? I feel all taut.
435
00:20:29,446 --> 00:20:32,165
And I bet she's taught him
a thing or two already.
436
00:20:32,246 --> 00:20:34,840
Now, if this was a fictional spy story.
437
00:20:34,926 --> 00:20:37,440
Fictional. You know what
would happen, don't you?
438
00:20:37,526 --> 00:20:41,235
The door would open and there
would stand a beautiful woman.
439
00:20:41,686 --> 00:20:45,440
(SIGHS) Beautiful. Mysterious.
440
00:20:45,526 --> 00:20:47,084
Intelligent.
441
00:20:47,166 --> 00:20:49,726
And she would move slowly forward.
442
00:20:50,526 --> 00:20:53,279
Forward across the room in front of me.
443
00:20:53,366 --> 00:20:55,118
Good afternoon. And...
444
00:20:55,446 --> 00:20:58,643
She would try to get something
out of me, but I wouldn't divulge.
445
00:20:58,726 --> 00:21:01,320
Do you understand?
I would stand firm, fast.
446
00:21:01,406 --> 00:21:03,601
I wouldn't... Hello?
447
00:21:04,566 --> 00:21:06,284
I'm being got at.
448
00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:08,561
I'm being tampered with.
449
00:21:09,006 --> 00:21:10,758
You're beautiful.
450
00:21:11,246 --> 00:21:12,725
She's noticed.
451
00:21:14,766 --> 00:21:17,917
I told you she was intelligent. Yes.
452
00:21:18,006 --> 00:21:20,520
They call me Galoria.
453
00:21:20,606 --> 00:21:22,164
-They call you what?
-Galoria.
454
00:21:22,286 --> 00:21:24,436
Galoria! Galoria!
455
00:21:24,526 --> 00:21:26,357
Pussus Galoria.
456
00:21:26,446 --> 00:21:28,038
Pussus Galoria.
457
00:21:28,526 --> 00:21:29,845
Pussus.
458
00:21:29,926 --> 00:21:31,518
I love the way you... Do that again.
459
00:21:31,606 --> 00:21:33,039
BOTH: Pussus!
460
00:21:33,126 --> 00:21:35,959
Do you like that? One more, then.
One for the road.
461
00:21:36,046 --> 00:21:37,445
BOTH: Pussus.
462
00:21:37,526 --> 00:21:39,198
Pussus Galoria.
463
00:21:39,926 --> 00:21:41,917
-Yes.
-I'm an expert in espionage.
464
00:21:42,006 --> 00:21:44,440
-Are you?
-In my field I stand out.
465
00:21:44,526 --> 00:21:46,881
Oh, no one would dispute that.
466
00:21:48,366 --> 00:21:50,960
Oh, I shouldn't have said that.
It just slipped out.
467
00:21:51,046 --> 00:21:53,640
Did it? I wish I'd been
there when it happened.
468
00:21:55,526 --> 00:21:56,879
Come to Pussus.
469
00:21:56,966 --> 00:21:59,526
Excuse me, I'm going to Pussus.
470
00:22:00,846 --> 00:22:02,199
-You know...
-Yeah?
471
00:22:02,646 --> 00:22:05,524
-You do something to me.
-Oh, yes?
472
00:22:06,686 --> 00:22:09,883
Yes, I do things to most women.
473
00:22:10,926 --> 00:22:12,678
-Actually...
-Hmm?
474
00:22:12,766 --> 00:22:14,245
I'm looking for something.
475
00:22:14,326 --> 00:22:16,317
Oh, yes?
476
00:22:16,406 --> 00:22:19,637
In that case, you've come
to the right man.
477
00:22:19,846 --> 00:22:21,199
-Tell me...
-Yeah.
478
00:22:21,446 --> 00:22:22,845
Where is it?
479
00:22:28,326 --> 00:22:31,204
First on the left, down the corridor.
480
00:22:32,926 --> 00:22:35,884
Why don't we get a little more friendly?
481
00:22:35,966 --> 00:22:38,161
Yes, why don't we get more friendly?
482
00:22:38,246 --> 00:22:40,555
-Over a glass of wine, perhaps?
-Glass of wine.
483
00:22:40,646 --> 00:22:44,241
Little dinky. Little dinky doo-das.
Little dinky donks.
484
00:22:44,326 --> 00:22:46,442
-But don't you bother yourself.
-Oh?
485
00:22:46,526 --> 00:22:47,675
I'll get it.
486
00:22:47,766 --> 00:22:49,802
Yes, so will I, I hope.
487
00:22:50,286 --> 00:22:52,117
You know what she's after, don't you?
488
00:22:52,206 --> 00:22:54,640
This plan tucked under me girdle.
489
00:22:54,726 --> 00:22:56,796
Yes. Oh, it sticks out a mile.
490
00:22:56,886 --> 00:22:58,922
It does, too. Look. Excuse me.
491
00:22:59,006 --> 00:23:00,837
-Ah!
-Come and sit by me.
492
00:23:00,926 --> 00:23:03,565
I'm going to Pussus again.
There we are.
493
00:23:03,646 --> 00:23:05,716
And we'll get a little
more comfortable.
494
00:23:05,806 --> 00:23:09,435
A little more comfortable, yes.
Little donky doo-das.
495
00:23:09,526 --> 00:23:11,562
Do that Pussus bit. I like that.
496
00:23:11,646 --> 00:23:13,125
BOTH: Pussus.
497
00:23:13,206 --> 00:23:15,481
Yes, eh? Pussus,
Pussus, Pussus. Yes.
498
00:23:15,566 --> 00:23:16,919
-Dinky donks?
-Dinky?
499
00:23:17,006 --> 00:23:19,884
Dinky. Ah-ha! Oh, yes.
500
00:23:19,966 --> 00:23:21,922
You know what she's gonna
do now, don't you?
501
00:23:22,006 --> 00:23:23,962
She's gonna slip a drug
in my wine, look.
502
00:23:24,046 --> 00:23:27,436
Look! Look! Look! Look! Cheeky cat.
That's saucy, innit?
503
00:23:27,606 --> 00:23:31,565
Look. Don't worry. I'll foil
her plan. I'm no fool.
504
00:23:31,846 --> 00:23:33,074
What?
505
00:23:35,086 --> 00:23:37,361
We must be careful, mustn't we?
506
00:23:46,566 --> 00:23:48,841
Trying to signal something, perhaps?
507
00:23:48,926 --> 00:23:51,724
-That's yours.
-Oh, this one. Ah, yes, of course.
508
00:23:51,926 --> 00:23:54,281
Oh, the herrings are flying high.
509
00:23:54,366 --> 00:23:55,958
(LAUGHING)
510
00:23:59,406 --> 00:24:02,955
-Dinky?
-Dinky. Dinky donks. Dinky donky-doo-dah donks.
511
00:24:03,486 --> 00:24:05,158
-This mine? Yes.
-Yes.
512
00:24:05,246 --> 00:24:06,281
Cheerio.
513
00:24:06,366 --> 00:24:09,358
-Goodbye.
-You could say that, yes.
514
00:24:11,646 --> 00:24:12,840
(SIGHS)
515
00:24:12,926 --> 00:24:15,804
That's it. Thank you so much.
516
00:24:16,126 --> 00:24:17,161
So,
517
00:24:17,366 --> 00:24:19,322
that's your little plan, was it?
518
00:24:19,646 --> 00:24:21,079
Didn't work, did it?
519
00:24:21,166 --> 00:24:23,361
Your plan didn't work at all.
520
00:24:24,446 --> 00:24:27,438
You're feeling all drowsy, aren't you?
521
00:24:27,526 --> 00:24:31,804
You have a limp feeling going
through your blood, your veins.
522
00:24:32,806 --> 00:24:35,479
Don't you, eh?
Your plan didn't work, did it?
523
00:24:35,566 --> 00:24:37,397
(LAUGHS)
524
00:24:37,486 --> 00:24:41,445
Your face is going hazy
before my very eyes, isn't it?
525
00:24:43,446 --> 00:24:47,200
Yes, you're sailing all of
the ceilings, aren't you? And...
526
00:24:47,286 --> 00:24:48,605
(EXCLAIMS)
527
00:24:49,446 --> 00:24:50,720
Drenched the whole front and...
528
00:24:50,806 --> 00:24:52,000
(SHUSHING)
529
00:24:52,726 --> 00:24:53,920
Pussus.
530
00:24:55,526 --> 00:24:57,164
(MUMBLING)
531
00:25:00,566 --> 00:25:01,999
The prologue.
532
00:25:04,046 --> 00:25:06,116
And it came to pass out.
533
00:25:09,206 --> 00:25:10,844
LUDICRUS: Wake up! Wake up!
534
00:25:11,086 --> 00:25:14,158
Lurcio. Lurcio. Come back now.
Now, wake up. Wake up.
535
00:25:14,766 --> 00:25:17,234
-Have you been drinking?
-Yes.
536
00:25:17,326 --> 00:25:20,796
Drunk! You were supposed to be
searching for the plan.
537
00:25:20,886 --> 00:25:22,763
Don't worry about the plan, master.
538
00:25:22,846 --> 00:25:24,837
-I've got it. I've got it.
-You have?
539
00:25:24,926 --> 00:25:25,915
-Yes.
-Where?
540
00:25:26,006 --> 00:25:26,995
It's under me girdle.
541
00:25:27,086 --> 00:25:30,635
Oh, splendid. You see what
a magnificent fellow he is, Nausius?
542
00:25:31,246 --> 00:25:32,645
The perfect slave.
543
00:25:32,726 --> 00:25:34,000
Oh, master, it's gone.
544
00:25:34,086 --> 00:25:37,283
What? You incompetent clod!
545
00:25:37,926 --> 00:25:40,315
That girl.
That girl must have stolen it.
546
00:25:40,406 --> 00:25:41,839
-That Pussus.
-Pussus?
547
00:25:41,926 --> 00:25:43,723
-Yes.
-But that's the name of the woman I love.
548
00:25:43,806 --> 00:25:45,285
Pussus Galoria.
549
00:25:45,366 --> 00:25:47,880
Pussus? Do you know where she lives?
550
00:25:47,966 --> 00:25:50,878
Yes, of course. In the apartment
opposite the Newt's Wine Lodge.
551
00:25:50,966 --> 00:25:53,400
Newt's Wine Lodge? Right.
We must get there at once.
552
00:25:53,486 --> 00:25:55,761
-Follow me!
-We may yet find the plan!
553
00:25:55,846 --> 00:25:57,598
Well, I'm not worried about your plan.
554
00:25:57,686 --> 00:25:59,517
She's pinched me bloody girdle.
555
00:26:13,846 --> 00:26:15,040
Master.
556
00:26:18,166 --> 00:26:20,077
Now, stop that. No peeking.
557
00:26:20,166 --> 00:26:22,600
Don't take advantage
of the plot. Now.
558
00:26:22,686 --> 00:26:24,802
Master, come up. Come on.
559
00:26:24,886 --> 00:26:26,365
Come up, master, you're all right.
560
00:26:26,446 --> 00:26:28,482
That's it. Be careful
how you go. Mind, now, now!
561
00:26:28,566 --> 00:26:31,603
-(WHOOPING) Oh!
-Oh, dear! Now, that's nasty!
562
00:26:31,766 --> 00:26:33,722
-Oh, I'm stuck!
-Oh, yes. Oh, that's...
563
00:26:33,806 --> 00:26:37,321
No, no, don't laugh.
It's wicked to mock the afflicted.
564
00:26:37,886 --> 00:26:40,764
It's like sitting
on a very thin horse.
565
00:26:41,566 --> 00:26:43,955
-Get your leg up.
-They're caught!
566
00:26:44,046 --> 00:26:45,320
Pardon?
567
00:26:45,566 --> 00:26:46,840
My hands.
568
00:26:46,926 --> 00:26:49,998
Come on, that's right.
Get up from there. That's it.
569
00:26:50,086 --> 00:26:52,759
-What a relief.
-Yes, master, it must be.
570
00:26:52,846 --> 00:26:54,837
-Yes, is this her apartment?
-Yes.
571
00:26:54,926 --> 00:26:58,441
These are her clothes.
I can see the teeth marks.
572
00:26:58,526 --> 00:26:59,595
Shh!
573
00:27:00,166 --> 00:27:02,122
-She's in the bath.
-Yes.
574
00:27:02,206 --> 00:27:05,278
-Ah! Now's our chance to have a good look.
-Oh, yes.
575
00:27:05,366 --> 00:27:08,836
Yes, round the apartment, master.
576
00:27:08,926 --> 00:27:11,679
Now, you take that half,
I'll take this half.
577
00:27:15,726 --> 00:27:18,035
Good afternoon.
578
00:27:18,846 --> 00:27:20,916
Jamus Bondus!
579
00:27:21,006 --> 00:27:23,725
(EXCLAIMS) No, no, get up!
580
00:27:23,806 --> 00:27:25,319
Oh, God! Dear!
581
00:27:25,406 --> 00:27:27,681
He's a dead loss, this. Oh, dear.
582
00:27:27,766 --> 00:27:29,757
-Master, look!
-Oh!
583
00:27:29,846 --> 00:27:31,643
Lurcio, what have you done?
584
00:27:31,726 --> 00:27:33,603
I haven't done anything,
master. Look.
585
00:27:33,686 --> 00:27:36,439
Well, open the door wide.
That's right.
586
00:27:36,526 --> 00:27:37,515
There we are.
587
00:27:40,006 --> 00:27:41,519
Where has he gone?
588
00:27:41,606 --> 00:27:43,244
Master, come out of there.
589
00:27:43,326 --> 00:27:47,205
(GROANS) I'm going! I'm going!
590
00:27:48,526 --> 00:27:51,324
He should have gone 20 minutes ago!
591
00:27:52,326 --> 00:27:55,079
-Master, master, let's get out of here.
-Yes.
592
00:27:55,206 --> 00:27:56,525
Gentlemen.
593
00:27:56,726 --> 00:27:59,524
Good evening. What a pleasant surprise.
594
00:27:59,606 --> 00:28:02,200
I suppose this plan is what you're after?
595
00:28:02,286 --> 00:28:05,164
-Yes, please.
-Then come and get it.
596
00:28:05,246 --> 00:28:06,725
Oh, bags I.
597
00:28:07,846 --> 00:28:09,074
(LURCIO GASPS)
598
00:28:09,166 --> 00:28:12,715
Oh, no, please don't! Oh, no, please,
I'm too young to die, please!
599
00:28:12,806 --> 00:28:15,525
We've got the rest of the series
to finish, please don't kill me.
600
00:28:15,606 --> 00:28:17,756
-Galoria!
-LURCIO: Ah-ha!
601
00:28:17,846 --> 00:28:20,519
Lurcio, take your hands
off my Pussus!
602
00:28:23,486 --> 00:28:24,635
PUSSUS: Help me!
603
00:28:24,726 --> 00:28:27,763
Leave her alone! Here we are...
Leave her alone!
604
00:28:27,846 --> 00:28:29,802
-No! No!
-Stop it! Stop it!
605
00:28:29,886 --> 00:28:32,878
(GLASS BREAKING)
606
00:28:39,686 --> 00:28:41,199
Fooled you, didn't it?
607
00:28:42,966 --> 00:28:46,003
Quickly, Lurcio,
let me get the plan.
608
00:28:46,326 --> 00:28:49,318
Master, don't worry.
I've already got it.
609
00:28:50,006 --> 00:28:51,997
Oh, it's still warm, too.
610
00:28:56,006 --> 00:28:57,405
What a night!
611
00:28:57,486 --> 00:28:59,124
What a night!
612
00:28:59,326 --> 00:29:01,999
Well, thank goodness
we got those plans back.
613
00:29:02,366 --> 00:29:04,926
Otherwise there could have been
the most terrible catastrophe.
614
00:29:05,006 --> 00:29:08,316
After all, it's the most
original weapon ever invented.
615
00:29:08,926 --> 00:29:12,965
Well, let's face it.
It hurls coconuts 25 feet!
616
00:29:13,206 --> 00:29:15,436
I mean, what else could do that?
617
00:29:15,526 --> 00:29:18,324
We don't need volunteers, dear,
thank you very much.
618
00:29:18,406 --> 00:29:22,797
Oh, dear. Oh, well,
let's continue the prologue.
619
00:29:23,046 --> 00:29:24,479
It came to pass...
620
00:29:24,566 --> 00:29:27,239
Woe, woe and thrice woe!
621
00:29:27,326 --> 00:29:28,998
Oh, dear, here she is again.
622
00:29:29,086 --> 00:29:31,759
The Etruscans are
bombarding the city!
623
00:29:31,846 --> 00:29:35,077
-They're bombarding the city?
-The end is here!
624
00:29:35,166 --> 00:29:38,556
If they're bombarding the city,
the end certainly is here. Yes.
625
00:29:38,646 --> 00:29:41,718
Well, I must leave you. I'll leave
you with the words of Plautus,
626
00:29:41,806 --> 00:29:46,322
"Id hat hot fotutum
titifolorum nausium tabutu."
627
00:29:46,406 --> 00:29:49,204
Which loosely translated means,
628
00:29:49,286 --> 00:29:51,595
"One man's Pussus
629
00:29:51,686 --> 00:29:53,881
is another man's Galoria."
630
00:29:54,286 --> 00:29:56,481
Hey, stop that, madam. Please.
631
00:29:56,926 --> 00:29:59,076
I'm going! I'm going!
632
00:29:59,166 --> 00:30:02,203
And I'm coming with you.
Salute! Salute!
43937
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