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1
00:00:03,050 --> 00:00:04,570
ANNOUNCER:
In the last episode of Soap,
2
00:00:04,571 --> 00:00:05,571
Billy and his teacher
3
00:00:05,572 --> 00:00:07,072
are trying to have
a relationship,
4
00:00:07,073 --> 00:00:09,074
but try as they may,
they're never alone,
5
00:00:09,075 --> 00:00:10,576
which they find very trying.
6
00:00:10,577 --> 00:00:13,078
The aliens tried to beam back
alien Burt,
7
00:00:13,079 --> 00:00:16,081
but they couldn't
because he jammed his beamer.
8
00:00:16,082 --> 00:00:18,584
Meanwhile, real Burt
was trying to convince Mary
9
00:00:18,585 --> 00:00:20,586
he was on a spaceship
when he disappeared,
10
00:00:20,587 --> 00:00:22,087
right before her eyes.
11
00:00:22,088 --> 00:00:23,589
The aliens told real Burt
12
00:00:23,590 --> 00:00:26,091
he has one try
to get alien Burt to return,
13
00:00:26,092 --> 00:00:29,094
and if he can't,
he'll have to stay forever,
14
00:00:29,095 --> 00:00:30,095
so he'd better try hard.
15
00:00:30,096 --> 00:00:31,597
Confused?
16
00:00:31,598 --> 00:00:34,601
You won't be,
after this episode of Soap.
17
00:00:39,606 --> 00:00:41,607
This is the story
of two sisters,
18
00:00:41,608 --> 00:00:44,109
Jessica Tate
19
00:00:44,110 --> 00:00:46,111
and Mary Campbell.
20
00:00:46,112 --> 00:00:49,615
These are the Tates,
21
00:00:49,616 --> 00:00:53,619
and these are the Campbells,
22
00:00:53,620 --> 00:00:56,623
and this is Soap.
23
00:01:25,652 --> 00:01:26,652
I don't believe it.
24
00:01:26,653 --> 00:01:27,653
It's absolutely delicious.
25
00:01:27,654 --> 00:01:28,654
Who would've thought
26
00:01:28,655 --> 00:01:30,155
that a convict
could cook like this?
27
00:01:30,156 --> 00:01:31,156
Now, Billy,
28
00:01:31,157 --> 00:01:33,158
just because one has been
a murderer
29
00:01:33,159 --> 00:01:35,661
doesn't mean
one can't have a hobby.
30
00:01:35,662 --> 00:01:38,664
I'm really impressed
with Dutch, Eunice.
31
00:01:38,665 --> 00:01:39,665
This is incredible.
32
00:01:39,666 --> 00:01:41,166
I'll have seconds.
33
00:01:41,167 --> 00:01:42,167
Oh, good.
34
00:01:42,168 --> 00:01:44,670
Dutch! Seconds for everyone.
35
00:01:44,671 --> 00:01:46,673
Coming right up.
36
00:01:50,677 --> 00:01:53,679
Looks like
you've cooked for 400.
37
00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:54,680
Three hundred and sixty,
actually.
38
00:01:54,681 --> 00:01:56,682
Cellblock 8 held 360.
39
00:01:56,683 --> 00:01:59,685
You mean, you were actually
cooking for 360 people?
40
00:01:59,686 --> 00:02:01,186
There you go.
41
00:02:01,187 --> 00:02:02,688
It's the only way I know how.
42
00:02:02,689 --> 00:02:04,189
Listen, when you've got a recipe
43
00:02:04,190 --> 00:02:05,691
that calls
for 20 pounds of garlic,
44
00:02:05,692 --> 00:02:09,194
it's a little hard
to break it down for six.
45
00:02:09,195 --> 00:02:10,195
This is ridiculous.
46
00:02:10,196 --> 00:02:12,197
He's cooking for 360 people.
47
00:02:12,198 --> 00:02:13,198
I'm out of a job,
48
00:02:13,199 --> 00:02:16,201
and he's in there
cooking for 360 people.
49
00:02:16,202 --> 00:02:19,204
This stuff freezes up
like a dream.
50
00:02:19,205 --> 00:02:22,708
Well, we just spent
Billy's entire college tuition
51
00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:24,710
on Hungarian goulash.
52
00:02:24,711 --> 00:02:26,712
Oh, I don't think
we have to worry
53
00:02:26,713 --> 00:02:28,714
about Billy's education, Daddy.
54
00:02:28,715 --> 00:02:29,715
Cute, Eunice.
55
00:02:29,716 --> 00:02:30,716
Nice to see you home,
56
00:02:30,717 --> 00:02:32,217
eating with your man
for a change.
57
00:02:32,218 --> 00:02:36,222
Touché.
58
00:02:38,224 --> 00:02:40,225
Am I missing something?
59
00:02:40,226 --> 00:02:43,228
Yes... a husband.
60
00:02:43,229 --> 00:02:45,230
Hi, love.
61
00:02:45,231 --> 00:02:46,231
Hi, Aunt Mary.
62
00:02:46,232 --> 00:02:47,232
Oh, Mary.
Mary.
63
00:02:47,233 --> 00:02:48,233
Mary, darling,
64
00:02:48,234 --> 00:02:49,735
you're just in time for dinner.
65
00:02:49,736 --> 00:02:51,737
Hey, Aunt Mary.
66
00:02:51,738 --> 00:02:54,740
Why don't you
sit here, Aunt Mary.
67
00:02:54,741 --> 00:02:56,742
Darling, Dutch cooked dinner
68
00:02:56,743 --> 00:02:57,743
for everyone tonight.
69
00:02:57,744 --> 00:02:59,745
"Everyone" is right.
70
00:02:59,746 --> 00:03:02,247
Yeah, go ahead, Aunt Mary.
There's plenty.
71
00:03:02,248 --> 00:03:06,251
Rhode Island couldn't make it,
so there's a little left over.
72
00:03:09,756 --> 00:03:11,256
He's a funny guy.
73
00:03:11,257 --> 00:03:13,759
I'll go get Aunt Mary
some silverware.
74
00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:16,262
So, Mary, what did you do today?
75
00:03:17,764 --> 00:03:19,766
Whoosh.
76
00:03:24,270 --> 00:03:26,272
Washed. You washed?
77
00:03:28,274 --> 00:03:32,277
I, uh, oh...
78
00:03:32,278 --> 00:03:35,280
He just... pah!
79
00:03:36,783 --> 00:03:39,284
Must be code.
80
00:03:39,285 --> 00:03:40,786
Put her under hot lights
81
00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:42,287
and give me
a few minutes with her,
82
00:03:42,288 --> 00:03:44,790
and she'll crack.
83
00:03:46,793 --> 00:03:48,293
Daddy, Daddy.
84
00:03:48,294 --> 00:03:51,296
Mary, darling,
start very slowly,
85
00:03:51,297 --> 00:03:52,798
and start from the beginning.
86
00:03:54,801 --> 00:03:56,301
He called,
so I went when he said,
87
00:03:56,302 --> 00:03:58,804
but I didn't talk till I saw,
even though he was there,
88
00:03:58,805 --> 00:04:00,305
because he said not,
so I didn't,
89
00:04:00,306 --> 00:04:02,307
and there was a soda,
and he sat,
90
00:04:02,308 --> 00:04:04,810
and all of sudden...
91
00:04:04,811 --> 00:04:06,813
I was, and he not.
92
00:04:09,315 --> 00:04:12,318
Whoosh, nothing. Gone.
93
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,322
I'll get the lights.
94
00:04:17,824 --> 00:04:21,827
He said he could,
but I didn't think...
95
00:04:21,828 --> 00:04:22,828
No one thought.
96
00:04:22,829 --> 00:04:23,829
Who thought?
97
00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:24,831
We all didn't.
98
00:04:29,335 --> 00:04:31,336
He said he could, and he did.
99
00:04:31,337 --> 00:04:32,337
I saw.
100
00:04:32,338 --> 00:04:35,841
And all this happened today.
101
00:04:35,842 --> 00:04:39,845
Yes, when I wasn't here.
102
00:04:39,846 --> 00:04:42,347
Now, I am.
103
00:04:42,348 --> 00:04:44,850
He not.
104
00:04:44,851 --> 00:04:48,354
Jessica,
what is she talking about?
105
00:04:50,857 --> 00:04:53,358
Now, Mary, I am your sister,
106
00:04:53,359 --> 00:04:54,860
and you can tell me.
107
00:04:54,861 --> 00:04:56,361
You'll laugh.
108
00:04:56,362 --> 00:04:57,863
No. No, I won't.
109
00:05:00,366 --> 00:05:01,867
Chester.
Chester will laugh.
110
00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:03,368
Chester always laughs.
111
00:05:03,369 --> 00:05:06,872
Oh, that's very nice, Mary.
112
00:05:06,873 --> 00:05:08,874
Aunt Mary, we would
never make fun of
113
00:05:08,875 --> 00:05:10,375
or belittle you.
114
00:05:10,376 --> 00:05:11,877
We're your family, Aunt Mary.
115
00:05:11,878 --> 00:05:12,878
We love you.
116
00:05:12,879 --> 00:05:13,879
So go ahead.
117
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:15,381
We promise.
We won't laugh at you.
118
00:05:19,886 --> 00:05:22,388
Burt made himself disappear.
119
00:05:28,895 --> 00:05:30,395
Now, stop that. St...
120
00:05:30,396 --> 00:05:32,397
You ought to be ashamed
of yourselves.
121
00:05:32,398 --> 00:05:34,399
Now...
122
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:35,901
Mary has come to us
with a problem,
123
00:05:35,902 --> 00:05:36,902
and we love her.
124
00:05:36,903 --> 00:05:39,404
We should help her
with her problem.
125
00:05:39,405 --> 00:05:41,406
No, it's all right.
126
00:05:41,407 --> 00:05:42,407
It's funny.
127
00:05:42,408 --> 00:05:44,409
If something is funny,
it's funny.
128
00:05:44,410 --> 00:05:47,412
Actually, it's ridiculous.
129
00:05:47,413 --> 00:05:49,414
To tell you the truth,
I'm relieved.
130
00:05:49,415 --> 00:05:51,416
I don't have to worry
about being crazy anymore.
131
00:05:51,417 --> 00:05:52,918
I am crazy,
132
00:05:52,919 --> 00:05:55,420
and if this is crazy,
I can live with it.
133
00:05:55,421 --> 00:05:56,922
Crazy isn't so bad.
134
00:05:56,923 --> 00:05:58,423
I'm talking.
135
00:05:58,424 --> 00:06:00,926
I'm smiling.
136
00:06:20,947 --> 00:06:22,447
I am so nervous, Corinne.
137
00:06:22,448 --> 00:06:24,950
It was just a terrible idea
to meet Daddy here.
138
00:06:24,951 --> 00:06:26,451
Well, we can't talk to him
at home
139
00:06:26,452 --> 00:06:28,453
and risk Mother hearing.
140
00:06:28,454 --> 00:06:30,455
Besides, this is
the scene of the crime.
141
00:06:30,456 --> 00:06:31,957
It gives it a nice touch.
142
00:06:31,958 --> 00:06:34,960
You know, I'm not at all sure
that it was Daddy.
143
00:06:34,961 --> 00:06:35,961
Oh, please, Eunice.
144
00:06:35,962 --> 00:06:37,963
The man has got more women
in his life
145
00:06:37,964 --> 00:06:40,966
than a gynecologist.
146
00:06:40,967 --> 00:06:43,969
You know, Corinne,
since Tim cut off your supply,
147
00:06:43,970 --> 00:06:46,471
you may have become
a little obsessed with sex.
148
00:06:46,472 --> 00:06:48,974
I'm obsessed?
149
00:06:48,975 --> 00:06:50,976
With all the noise
coming from your room,
150
00:06:50,977 --> 00:06:53,479
you could be scrimmaging
with the Pittsburgh Steelers.
151
00:06:55,481 --> 00:06:57,482
Oh, God.
Here he comes.
152
00:06:57,483 --> 00:06:59,985
See? Same guy as before.
153
00:06:59,986 --> 00:07:01,486
Hi, Daddy.
154
00:07:01,487 --> 00:07:02,988
What a treat.
155
00:07:02,989 --> 00:07:05,992
Lunch with my little girls.
156
00:07:07,493 --> 00:07:08,493
Hello, Claude.
157
00:07:08,494 --> 00:07:09,494
Good afternoon,
Mr. Tate.
158
00:07:09,495 --> 00:07:10,996
Would you like a drink, girls?
159
00:07:10,997 --> 00:07:11,997
White wine, please.
160
00:07:11,998 --> 00:07:12,998
Me too.
161
00:07:12,999 --> 00:07:13,999
The usual, Claude.
162
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:17,002
I think you could use a double.
163
00:07:17,003 --> 00:07:19,005
These are my daughters, Claude.
164
00:07:21,007 --> 00:07:23,508
Of course.
165
00:07:23,509 --> 00:07:26,511
Right.
166
00:07:26,512 --> 00:07:28,513
So how are my little girls?
167
00:07:28,514 --> 00:07:30,515
Just fine, Daddy.
168
00:07:30,516 --> 00:07:33,018
Not bad.
169
00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:35,020
Well, what did you want
to talk to me about?
170
00:07:35,021 --> 00:07:37,022
We saw you the other day.
171
00:07:37,023 --> 00:07:38,023
Well, you see me every day.
172
00:07:38,024 --> 00:07:39,524
We saw you here,
173
00:07:39,525 --> 00:07:40,525
with a woman.
174
00:07:40,526 --> 00:07:42,527
Here?
Here.
175
00:07:42,528 --> 00:07:44,029
Wasn't me.
I didn't think so.
176
00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:45,030
Eunice.
177
00:07:45,031 --> 00:07:47,032
Daddy, it was a man
178
00:07:47,033 --> 00:07:48,533
who looked very much like you.
179
00:07:48,534 --> 00:07:51,036
Well, it was probably
Cary Grant.
180
00:07:51,037 --> 00:07:53,039
Oh, Daddy!
181
00:07:56,542 --> 00:07:58,543
How could you do this
to her again?
182
00:07:58,544 --> 00:07:59,544
Do what to who?
183
00:07:59,545 --> 00:08:00,546
Cheat on Mother.
184
00:08:01,487 --> 00:08:03,048
All this running around
behind her back.
185
00:08:03,049 --> 00:08:05,050
If you don't stop it,
we'll have to tell her.
186
00:08:05,051 --> 00:08:07,552
Tell her that you saw a man
who looks like me?
187
00:08:09,055 --> 00:08:10,055
I'm serious.
188
00:08:10,056 --> 00:08:12,557
Well, so am I, Corinne.
189
00:08:12,558 --> 00:08:13,558
I was not here yesterday.
190
00:08:13,559 --> 00:08:15,560
It wasn't yesterday.
191
00:08:15,561 --> 00:08:17,062
It was two days ago.
192
00:08:17,063 --> 00:08:18,563
Two days ago.
193
00:08:18,564 --> 00:08:20,065
Oh, well, why didn't you say so?
194
00:08:20,066 --> 00:08:21,566
Of course,
I was here two days ago.
195
00:08:21,567 --> 00:08:23,068
I was with
the executive secretary
196
00:08:23,069 --> 00:08:24,069
to the president
197
00:08:24,070 --> 00:08:26,071
of a very large
investment corporation.
198
00:08:26,072 --> 00:08:27,572
I was getting job information.
199
00:08:27,573 --> 00:08:30,575
I'll bet that's not
all you were getting.
200
00:08:30,576 --> 00:08:33,578
You know
it's not that easy, Corinne.
201
00:08:33,579 --> 00:08:36,581
Why? Are they getting choosy?
202
00:08:36,582 --> 00:08:37,582
Corinne.
203
00:08:37,583 --> 00:08:40,085
I've got a record, Corinne.
204
00:08:40,086 --> 00:08:42,087
It's hard to get anything
with a record.
205
00:08:42,088 --> 00:08:44,089
Well, it depends
on what you're trying to get.
206
00:08:44,090 --> 00:08:48,093
May I get poison ivy,
chicken pox,
207
00:08:48,094 --> 00:08:49,594
and a terrible case
of the hives,
208
00:08:49,595 --> 00:08:52,097
and have no hands
to scratch with,
209
00:08:52,098 --> 00:08:55,100
if ever I thought
of touching her.
210
00:08:55,101 --> 00:08:56,102
See?
211
00:08:57,603 --> 00:08:59,104
I'm gonna go
to the ladies' room.
212
00:08:59,105 --> 00:09:01,107
Order me
the spinach salad, okay?
213
00:09:06,112 --> 00:09:09,614
I don't want to break
Little Miss Muffet's heart,
214
00:09:09,615 --> 00:09:11,116
but if you don't get smart
215
00:09:11,117 --> 00:09:13,618
and stop running around
trying to see what you can get,
216
00:09:13,619 --> 00:09:15,120
I'll tell Mother,
217
00:09:15,121 --> 00:09:18,623
and you'll get it so bad
that you'll never get it again.
218
00:09:18,624 --> 00:09:19,625
Got it?
219
00:09:29,635 --> 00:09:32,137
Mm-hmm.
220
00:09:32,138 --> 00:09:33,138
Thanks a lot, Mom.
221
00:09:33,139 --> 00:09:34,639
Yeah. All right.
222
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:36,141
Go back to bed.
223
00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:37,142
Yeah, sorry to bother you.
224
00:09:37,143 --> 00:09:39,144
All right, bye.
225
00:09:39,145 --> 00:09:40,645
No, no, it's okay.
226
00:09:40,646 --> 00:09:41,646
It's nothing serious,
227
00:09:41,647 --> 00:09:44,149
just a little colic,
that's all, hmm?
228
00:09:44,150 --> 00:09:45,651
And you were so worried.
229
00:09:47,653 --> 00:09:51,156
There...
230
00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:54,659
It's 3 a.m.
231
00:09:54,660 --> 00:09:56,161
Who is this?
232
00:09:58,164 --> 00:10:00,665
Hi, it's me.
Come on.
233
00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:02,167
Burt.
234
00:10:02,168 --> 00:10:03,668
Jodie.
Burt.
235
00:10:03,669 --> 00:10:04,669
Jodie.
Burt.
236
00:10:04,670 --> 00:10:05,670
Jodie, Jodie.
237
00:10:05,671 --> 00:10:06,671
Burt.
238
00:10:06,672 --> 00:10:08,173
Jodie. Are we alone?
239
00:10:08,174 --> 00:10:10,675
Burt.
240
00:10:10,676 --> 00:10:12,677
Burt, how'd you
get here so fast?
241
00:10:12,678 --> 00:10:15,180
Oh, they... pfft... what?
242
00:10:15,181 --> 00:10:16,181
It was a false alarm.
243
00:10:16,182 --> 00:10:17,182
It was just a little colic.
244
00:10:17,183 --> 00:10:18,184
You didn't have to come.
245
00:10:20,186 --> 00:10:21,686
What's that?
246
00:10:21,687 --> 00:10:22,687
What's what?
247
00:10:22,688 --> 00:10:24,689
That what, there.
248
00:10:24,690 --> 00:10:25,690
Something's on the baby?
249
00:10:25,691 --> 00:10:26,691
Not on the baby.
250
00:10:26,692 --> 00:10:28,193
The baby.
Whose baby is that?
251
00:10:28,194 --> 00:10:29,194
That's my daughter, Wendy.
252
00:10:29,195 --> 00:10:31,196
I mean, you met her
just the other day.
253
00:10:31,197 --> 00:10:32,197
Your daughter, huh?
254
00:10:32,198 --> 00:10:33,198
My granddaughter.
255
00:10:33,199 --> 00:10:34,199
It's... That's...
256
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:35,700
She's a... That's a...
257
00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:36,701
It's my granddaughter?
258
00:10:36,702 --> 00:10:37,702
Look at her.
259
00:10:37,703 --> 00:10:39,204
She's gorgeous.
Look, I love her.
260
00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:40,205
Hey, Wendy.
261
00:10:40,206 --> 00:10:41,706
Wendy, after
my great uncle Wendell.
262
00:10:41,707 --> 00:10:43,208
Hi, Wendy, it's Grandpa.
263
00:10:45,211 --> 00:10:46,711
Are you all right?
264
00:10:46,712 --> 00:10:48,213
Terrific, what,
are you kidding me?
265
00:10:48,214 --> 00:10:49,214
Well, what are you doing here?
266
00:10:49,215 --> 00:10:50,215
No reason. No reason.
267
00:10:50,216 --> 00:10:51,216
I lost my keys.
268
00:10:51,217 --> 00:10:52,217
Could I stay over tonight?
269
00:10:52,218 --> 00:10:53,718
Did you and Mom have a fight?
270
00:10:53,719 --> 00:10:55,220
No, no.
No fight, nothing like that.
271
00:10:55,221 --> 00:10:56,221
It's just...
272
00:10:56,222 --> 00:10:57,722
I'm just...
273
00:10:57,723 --> 00:10:59,224
Can I stay or not?
274
00:10:59,225 --> 00:11:00,225
Is Mom okay?
275
00:11:00,226 --> 00:11:02,227
Mom's fine. Mom's great.
276
00:11:02,228 --> 00:11:03,728
Please, it's just
not a good idea
277
00:11:03,729 --> 00:11:05,730
for me to go home right now,
because if I do,
278
00:11:05,731 --> 00:11:09,234
they'll be a big hassle
fighting over the bathroom.
279
00:11:09,235 --> 00:11:11,236
Not to mention the bed.
280
00:11:13,239 --> 00:11:14,239
So come on.
281
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:15,740
Just let me stay
over here tonight,
282
00:11:15,741 --> 00:11:17,242
and tomorrow morning,
we'll all get together,
283
00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:18,243
I'll tell you everything,
284
00:11:18,244 --> 00:11:19,244
and we'll have a big laugh.
285
00:11:19,245 --> 00:11:21,246
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
286
00:11:21,247 --> 00:11:22,247
I'm calling Mom.
287
00:11:22,248 --> 00:11:23,748
Don't call her, for God's sake.
288
00:11:23,749 --> 00:11:24,749
It's 3:00 in the morning.
289
00:11:24,750 --> 00:11:26,251
She'll be cranky all day.
290
00:11:26,252 --> 00:11:27,252
Just so she knows where you are.
291
00:11:27,253 --> 00:11:29,254
She knows where I am,
292
00:11:29,255 --> 00:11:30,755
but I can't tell her
she's wrong,
293
00:11:30,756 --> 00:11:32,758
and don't you tell her anything.
294
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:36,761
She knows you're here?
295
00:11:36,762 --> 00:11:38,263
She knows I'm there.
296
00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:43,268
And are you?
297
00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:44,769
Yes.
298
00:11:44,770 --> 00:11:46,771
And you're here, right?
299
00:11:46,772 --> 00:11:48,773
I'm not there, right?
300
00:11:48,774 --> 00:11:50,275
I'm calling an ambulance.
301
00:11:50,276 --> 00:11:51,776
Wait a minute, Jodie,
please, come on.
302
00:11:51,777 --> 00:11:53,278
Just let me stay tonight.
303
00:11:53,279 --> 00:11:55,780
If there's something wrong,
I want to know about it.
304
00:11:55,781 --> 00:11:57,282
No, come on, just don't...
305
00:11:57,283 --> 00:11:58,283
Okay, you should call.
306
00:11:58,284 --> 00:11:59,784
Here, I will dial for you.
307
00:11:59,785 --> 00:12:01,286
Here, go ahead.
308
00:12:01,287 --> 00:12:02,787
You talk to your mom,
309
00:12:02,788 --> 00:12:04,789
and while you're at it,
ask her to put me on.
310
00:12:04,790 --> 00:12:06,291
Burt.
Please...
311
00:12:06,292 --> 00:12:07,292
And don't you tell her I'm here.
312
00:12:07,293 --> 00:12:08,793
This is the most
ridiculous thing...
313
00:12:08,794 --> 00:12:11,797
Hello. Hi, Burt.
314
00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:18,304
Could you say that again?
315
00:12:33,819 --> 00:12:35,820
That was you.
316
00:12:35,821 --> 00:12:37,322
That was really you.
317
00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:38,823
Right.
318
00:12:38,824 --> 00:12:39,824
I don't understand.
319
00:12:39,825 --> 00:12:41,326
I'll tell you all about it.
320
00:12:41,327 --> 00:12:43,328
I'll get
a couple of beers. Get a case.
321
00:12:43,329 --> 00:12:45,331
It's gonna take a little while.
322
00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:55,340
All right.
323
00:12:55,341 --> 00:12:56,341
Is that just for one night?
324
00:12:56,342 --> 00:12:57,842
Yes, just the night.
325
00:12:57,843 --> 00:12:59,344
Is it night already?
326
00:12:59,345 --> 00:13:01,346
Boy, am I tired.
327
00:13:02,348 --> 00:13:04,849
Driving at night,
that can be murder.
328
00:13:04,850 --> 00:13:06,351
I'm just gonna hop
into the old shower,
329
00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:07,852
and then hop into the old sack.
330
00:13:07,853 --> 00:13:08,853
So you want a single bed.
331
00:13:08,854 --> 00:13:10,355
No, not really.
332
00:13:10,356 --> 00:13:11,856
True, I only want one bed,
333
00:13:11,857 --> 00:13:14,359
but I want it large enough
for all my luggage.
334
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:15,360
Name?
335
00:13:15,361 --> 00:13:17,362
Tate... Jones.
336
00:13:17,363 --> 00:13:19,364
Pick one.
337
00:13:19,365 --> 00:13:20,365
Jones.
338
00:13:20,366 --> 00:13:21,866
Yup, that's me.
339
00:13:21,867 --> 00:13:23,368
Tate Jones from Idaho.
340
00:13:23,369 --> 00:13:24,869
"Tater" for short.
341
00:13:24,870 --> 00:13:25,871
Old Tater Jones.
342
00:13:27,873 --> 00:13:28,873
Tater?
343
00:13:28,874 --> 00:13:32,877
I had large eyes as a child.
344
00:13:32,878 --> 00:13:35,880
And where is Mrs. Jones?
345
00:13:35,881 --> 00:13:37,382
You mean my mother?
346
00:13:37,383 --> 00:13:38,883
Wife. My wife.
347
00:13:38,884 --> 00:13:39,884
She's...
348
00:13:39,885 --> 00:13:40,885
In the car?
349
00:13:40,886 --> 00:13:42,387
In the car, right.
350
00:13:42,388 --> 00:13:43,388
She's in the car.
351
00:13:43,389 --> 00:13:44,389
She loves that car.
352
00:13:44,390 --> 00:13:45,890
It was a wedding gift.
353
00:13:45,891 --> 00:13:47,392
And your luggage?
354
00:13:47,393 --> 00:13:48,393
My luggage.
355
00:13:48,394 --> 00:13:49,894
My luggage is, um...
356
00:13:49,895 --> 00:13:50,895
At the airport.
357
00:13:50,896 --> 00:13:53,398
Right again, at the airport.
358
00:13:53,399 --> 00:13:54,899
Darn airlines lost the luggage.
359
00:13:54,900 --> 00:13:56,401
I thought you said
you drove all night.
360
00:13:56,402 --> 00:13:58,903
Absolutely, that's correct.
361
00:13:58,904 --> 00:14:00,405
And they still
managed to lose it.
362
00:14:02,908 --> 00:14:05,910
Well, I'm pretty bushed.
363
00:14:05,911 --> 00:14:06,911
I think I'll turn in.
364
00:14:06,912 --> 00:14:07,912
I'll be in the bar.
365
00:14:07,913 --> 00:14:09,414
Let me know
when my room is ready.
366
00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:10,416
Good luck.
367
00:14:11,917 --> 00:14:14,419
Over here.
368
00:14:14,420 --> 00:14:15,420
Hi.
Hi.
369
00:14:15,421 --> 00:14:16,921
How are you?
Puzzled.
370
00:14:16,922 --> 00:14:18,423
Why did you want to meet here?
371
00:14:18,424 --> 00:14:19,424
I got us a room.
372
00:14:19,425 --> 00:14:20,925
A room, why?
373
00:14:20,926 --> 00:14:22,927
Because they could
arrest us in the lobby.
374
00:14:26,432 --> 00:14:27,432
Why are you laughing?
375
00:14:27,433 --> 00:14:28,933
You actually got us a room.
376
00:14:28,934 --> 00:14:30,935
You're absolutely adorable.
377
00:14:30,936 --> 00:14:32,937
Adorable? I'm adorable?
378
00:14:32,938 --> 00:14:33,938
I don't wanna be adorable.
379
00:14:33,939 --> 00:14:34,939
A bunny is adorable.
380
00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:38,443
Billy, we can't do that.
381
00:14:38,444 --> 00:14:40,945
I know. Why not?
382
00:14:40,946 --> 00:14:42,447
Well, first of all,
I'm your teacher,
383
00:14:42,448 --> 00:14:43,948
and I'm still having trouble
384
00:14:43,949 --> 00:14:44,949
dealing with that.
385
00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:46,451
Second, even if
I wasn't your teacher,
386
00:14:46,452 --> 00:14:47,952
it wouldn't be in a hotel.
387
00:14:47,953 --> 00:14:48,953
When it happens,
388
00:14:48,954 --> 00:14:50,455
it'll happen at our own pace.
389
00:14:50,456 --> 00:14:51,956
It's a mistake this way.
390
00:14:51,957 --> 00:14:52,957
Do you see?
391
00:14:52,958 --> 00:14:54,959
Yeah.
392
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:55,960
It's just...
393
00:14:55,961 --> 00:14:57,462
when I told you
394
00:14:57,463 --> 00:14:59,964
that I've never been
with a divorced woman before,
395
00:14:59,965 --> 00:15:00,965
I lied.
396
00:15:00,966 --> 00:15:01,966
You did?
397
00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:05,470
The truth is, I've never been.
398
00:15:05,471 --> 00:15:07,472
Ever...
399
00:15:07,473 --> 00:15:09,974
And I thought,
well, this is what you do.
400
00:15:09,975 --> 00:15:11,976
You're so sweet.
401
00:15:11,977 --> 00:15:14,479
Sweet and adorable?
402
00:15:16,982 --> 00:15:19,984
Any minute,
I'll turn into a cocker spaniel.
403
00:15:19,985 --> 00:15:23,488
And when and if it happens,
we'll be ready for it,
404
00:15:23,489 --> 00:15:25,490
and it won't be in some hotel.
405
00:15:25,491 --> 00:15:26,491
I agree.
406
00:15:26,492 --> 00:15:27,992
What about Mexico?
407
00:15:27,993 --> 00:15:30,495
What about a movie?
408
00:15:30,496 --> 00:15:31,497
Fine. Let's go.
409
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:35,500
Billy.
410
00:15:35,501 --> 00:15:36,501
Eunice.
411
00:15:36,502 --> 00:15:37,502
Well.
412
00:15:37,503 --> 00:15:38,503
Well, well.
413
00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:39,504
Hello.
414
00:15:39,505 --> 00:15:40,505
Hi.
415
00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:42,006
So, what are you...
What are you...
416
00:15:42,007 --> 00:15:43,508
The auction?
417
00:15:43,509 --> 00:15:45,009
What auction?
418
00:15:45,010 --> 00:15:47,512
You mean, we missed
the entire auction?
419
00:15:47,513 --> 00:15:49,013
I don't know.
There may be an auction.
420
00:15:49,014 --> 00:15:50,515
Oh, damn.
421
00:15:50,516 --> 00:15:52,016
Well, Eric,
as long as we're here,
422
00:15:52,017 --> 00:15:54,018
why don't we just
stay for a drink?
423
00:15:54,019 --> 00:15:55,019
Oh, Eric, this is Billy,
424
00:15:55,020 --> 00:15:57,021
my little brother.
425
00:15:57,022 --> 00:15:58,022
Billy, this is Eric.
426
00:15:58,023 --> 00:16:00,024
He's my, uh, auctioneer.
427
00:16:00,025 --> 00:16:01,526
I see.
428
00:16:01,527 --> 00:16:02,527
Well, so long.
429
00:16:02,528 --> 00:16:04,529
Billy, you never told me
what you were doing here.
430
00:16:04,530 --> 00:16:08,533
You're not the only one
who goes to auctions, Eunice.
431
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:09,535
I see.
432
00:16:16,041 --> 00:16:17,542
Well, have a good time, kids.
433
00:16:20,045 --> 00:16:21,546
I'm sorry
I didn't introduce you.
434
00:16:21,547 --> 00:16:22,547
I understand.
435
00:16:22,548 --> 00:16:24,048
That was your sister, I take it?
436
00:16:24,049 --> 00:16:25,050
Yeah, one of them.
437
00:16:27,052 --> 00:16:28,553
And here comes the other one.
438
00:16:28,554 --> 00:16:29,554
Billy.
439
00:16:29,555 --> 00:16:32,557
Hi.
440
00:16:32,558 --> 00:16:34,559
What are you doing here?
441
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:37,562
This and that.
442
00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:40,064
Ah.
443
00:16:40,065 --> 00:16:41,566
Billy, this is...
444
00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:43,067
This is Joe.
445
00:16:43,068 --> 00:16:44,068
We dated in high school.
446
00:16:44,069 --> 00:16:45,570
Hi, this is Leslie.
447
00:16:45,571 --> 00:16:48,574
We also date in high school.
448
00:16:50,576 --> 00:16:51,576
Isn't she one of your...?
449
00:16:51,577 --> 00:16:54,078
Goodbye, Corinne.
450
00:16:54,079 --> 00:16:55,079
Uh-huh, okay.
451
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:56,081
Ta.
452
00:16:59,585 --> 00:17:01,085
Let's get outta here.
Okay.
453
00:17:02,087 --> 00:17:03,087
Sit down!
What?
454
00:17:03,088 --> 00:17:05,090
Sit down.
455
00:17:10,095 --> 00:17:11,596
Hey, Dutch, how are you?
456
00:17:11,597 --> 00:17:13,598
What are you doing here?
457
00:17:13,599 --> 00:17:15,600
Speed reading course
in room 302.
458
00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:16,601
Dutch, this is Evelyn Wood.
459
00:17:16,602 --> 00:17:17,602
Evie, Dutch.
460
00:17:17,603 --> 00:17:19,605
Dutch, Evie.
461
00:17:24,109 --> 00:17:25,109
You seen Eunice?
462
00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:26,611
Eunice who?
463
00:17:26,612 --> 00:17:28,613
I followed her in here.
You see her?
464
00:17:28,614 --> 00:17:30,615
Dutch, I've got to be
honest with you.
465
00:17:30,616 --> 00:17:32,116
No. No, I didn't.
466
00:17:32,117 --> 00:17:33,618
Well, we'd better
be running along.
467
00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:34,619
But she's here.
I followed her.
468
00:17:34,620 --> 00:17:36,120
Okay, Dutch.
469
00:17:36,121 --> 00:17:38,122
I didn't want to say it,
but you've forced me.
470
00:17:38,123 --> 00:17:39,123
Eunice is reserving
a banquet hall
471
00:17:39,124 --> 00:17:40,625
for your wedding shower.
472
00:17:40,626 --> 00:17:41,626
It was going to be a surprise.
473
00:17:41,627 --> 00:17:44,128
Men don't have showers.
474
00:17:44,129 --> 00:17:45,129
Women have showers.
475
00:17:45,130 --> 00:17:47,632
I said it was a surprise, Dutch.
476
00:17:47,633 --> 00:17:50,635
Anyway, don't tell anyone
I told you, all right?
477
00:17:50,636 --> 00:17:52,637
I'd better get out of here
before she sees me.
478
00:17:52,638 --> 00:17:53,918
Or vice versa.
You're damn right.
479
00:17:59,144 --> 00:18:00,645
Well, do you want
to go to my house?
480
00:18:00,646 --> 00:18:03,147
Apparently, no one's there.
481
00:18:03,148 --> 00:18:04,649
I love you.
482
00:18:04,650 --> 00:18:05,650
You do?
483
00:18:05,651 --> 00:18:07,652
You're so cute and funny.
484
00:18:07,653 --> 00:18:08,653
Oh, good.
485
00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:12,156
Sweet, adorable, cute and funny.
486
00:18:12,157 --> 00:18:14,659
You're in a hotel lobby
with Kermit the Frog.
487
00:18:17,663 --> 00:18:19,163
Now, how about that movie?
488
00:18:19,164 --> 00:18:22,167
In a second.
489
00:18:41,687 --> 00:18:44,689
MAN:
Hey, Burt!
490
00:18:44,690 --> 00:18:45,690
What?
491
00:18:45,691 --> 00:18:46,691
What do you got for lunch?
492
00:18:46,692 --> 00:18:50,695
I got ham and cheese
and loaf meat.
493
00:18:50,696 --> 00:18:52,697
Meatloaf. Meatloaf.
494
00:18:52,698 --> 00:18:54,699
Wanna trade
your meatloaf for salmon?
495
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:55,700
I hate salmon.
496
00:18:55,701 --> 00:18:57,202
My fingers smell all day.
497
00:19:03,709 --> 00:19:05,209
Don't get startled.
498
00:19:05,210 --> 00:19:06,210
What?
499
00:19:06,211 --> 00:19:09,714
I don't want you
getting startled this high up,
500
00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:11,717
but it's me.
501
00:19:15,721 --> 00:19:17,221
I know.
502
00:19:17,222 --> 00:19:18,723
I've been expecting you, Burt.
503
00:19:18,724 --> 00:19:20,224
It's... Easy, now.
504
00:19:20,225 --> 00:19:21,225
Sit down.
505
00:19:21,226 --> 00:19:24,229
Just sit.
506
00:19:25,731 --> 00:19:26,731
You want some?
507
00:19:26,732 --> 00:19:27,732
Ham and cheese, meatloaf?
508
00:19:27,733 --> 00:19:28,733
Meatloaf.
509
00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:29,734
Mary makes a great meatloaf.
510
00:19:29,735 --> 00:19:30,735
Puts an egg in it.
511
00:19:30,736 --> 00:19:33,237
I like the pot roast.
512
00:19:33,238 --> 00:19:34,238
That's incredible.
513
00:19:34,239 --> 00:19:35,740
You look just like me.
514
00:19:35,741 --> 00:19:37,241
Yeah, well, it wouldn't work
515
00:19:37,242 --> 00:19:38,242
if I looked like me.
516
00:19:38,243 --> 00:19:39,744
Who's going to give
a little silver contractor
517
00:19:39,745 --> 00:19:42,246
a shopping center to build?
518
00:19:42,247 --> 00:19:44,248
Listen, I want to talk to you.
519
00:19:44,249 --> 00:19:45,249
Yeah?
520
00:19:45,250 --> 00:19:47,251
Will you please let them
beam you back? No.
521
00:19:47,252 --> 00:19:50,254
Come on. I love my wife.
522
00:19:50,255 --> 00:19:51,756
I don't blame you.
523
00:19:51,757 --> 00:19:52,757
She's a wonderful woman.
524
00:19:52,758 --> 00:19:54,759
Hey, hey, hey.
525
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,260
This is my life.
526
00:19:56,261 --> 00:19:57,762
You know what
527
00:19:57,763 --> 00:19:59,263
you're asking me
to give up here? Huh?
528
00:19:59,264 --> 00:20:02,266
Women, frozen Snickers,
Monday night football,
529
00:20:02,267 --> 00:20:04,268
pizza, women, malts, women...
530
00:20:04,269 --> 00:20:05,770
But it's my life.
531
00:20:05,771 --> 00:20:08,272
I made it, I worked for it,
532
00:20:08,273 --> 00:20:09,273
and I love Mary.
533
00:20:09,274 --> 00:20:10,274
You don't love Mary.
534
00:20:10,275 --> 00:20:11,275
Love, what love?
535
00:20:11,276 --> 00:20:12,276
Eventually you're gonna die.
536
00:20:12,277 --> 00:20:13,277
Then where's love?
537
00:20:13,278 --> 00:20:14,278
Pfft. Nothing.
538
00:20:14,279 --> 00:20:16,781
Up there, Burt,
you can live forever.
539
00:20:16,782 --> 00:20:18,783
Without Mary,
I don't want to live.
540
00:20:18,784 --> 00:20:21,786
Now you know how I feel
about Snickers.
541
00:20:21,787 --> 00:20:24,789
You're stealing my life,
you know that?
542
00:20:24,790 --> 00:20:25,790
This is theft.
543
00:20:25,791 --> 00:20:26,791
What theft? What theft?
544
00:20:26,792 --> 00:20:28,292
What, do you think
I saw you and said,
545
00:20:28,293 --> 00:20:30,294
"Hey, look at this guy.
He's got a great life.
546
00:20:30,295 --> 00:20:31,295
I think I'll take it."
547
00:20:31,296 --> 00:20:33,297
No, I want to make
a trade here, trade.
548
00:20:33,298 --> 00:20:35,800
I don't wanna trade.
549
00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:37,802
Then I take.
550
00:20:37,803 --> 00:20:38,803
Wait a minute, here. Wait.
551
00:20:38,804 --> 00:20:39,804
You don't understand.
552
00:20:39,805 --> 00:20:41,305
You don't know
what it's like here.
553
00:20:41,306 --> 00:20:43,307
But you see, you spend
most of your life here
554
00:20:43,308 --> 00:20:45,309
struggling to make money,
555
00:20:45,310 --> 00:20:47,311
to get along with people,
556
00:20:47,312 --> 00:20:48,813
to fall in love
and make it good,
557
00:20:48,814 --> 00:20:50,314
to give your kids
the best you can,
558
00:20:50,315 --> 00:20:52,316
and years go by
while you do this, pally,
559
00:20:52,317 --> 00:20:54,318
years...
560
00:20:54,319 --> 00:20:57,321
Then one day,
you wake up and realize, whoa.
561
00:20:57,322 --> 00:20:58,322
I've arrived.
562
00:20:58,323 --> 00:20:59,824
Business is good.
563
00:20:59,825 --> 00:21:02,326
My wife and I
still love each other.
564
00:21:02,327 --> 00:21:03,828
The kids are alive
and not on drugs.
565
00:21:03,829 --> 00:21:05,830
Now, you can enjoy it all.
566
00:21:05,831 --> 00:21:06,832
No more struggle.
567
00:21:08,333 --> 00:21:09,834
Except then,
568
00:21:09,835 --> 00:21:11,836
you realize
you haven't got a lot of time.
569
00:21:11,837 --> 00:21:14,338
Well, now,
I've been through the struggle,
570
00:21:14,339 --> 00:21:16,340
and I don't know
how much time I got left,
571
00:21:16,341 --> 00:21:18,342
but I do know one thing...
572
00:21:18,343 --> 00:21:19,844
I didn't come this far
to give up.
573
00:21:19,845 --> 00:21:21,846
Now, give me back my life.
574
00:21:21,847 --> 00:21:23,848
I'm entitled.
575
00:21:23,849 --> 00:21:26,350
You're making me feel bad.
576
00:21:26,351 --> 00:21:28,352
You should feel bad.
577
00:21:28,353 --> 00:21:29,854
We don't know about bad.
578
00:21:29,855 --> 00:21:31,856
We don't feel bad up there...
579
00:21:31,857 --> 00:21:32,857
but unfortunately,
580
00:21:32,858 --> 00:21:34,358
when they gave me your body,
581
00:21:34,359 --> 00:21:35,860
those little morons
gave me your conscience.
582
00:21:35,861 --> 00:21:36,861
Good. I'm glad.
583
00:21:36,862 --> 00:21:39,363
Phew, you've got
some conscience.
584
00:21:39,364 --> 00:21:42,867
It's one of my best qualities.
585
00:21:42,868 --> 00:21:45,370
That and my smile.
586
00:21:47,372 --> 00:21:48,873
So?
587
00:21:48,874 --> 00:21:51,375
Let me think about it
for a few years.
588
00:21:51,376 --> 00:21:52,376
A few years?
589
00:21:52,377 --> 00:21:53,377
Or how about one more night?
590
00:21:53,378 --> 00:21:54,879
I just want to say goodbye.
591
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:55,880
Now.
592
00:21:55,881 --> 00:21:57,882
Now? What, not even
a quick cheeseburger?
593
00:21:57,883 --> 00:21:59,383
Now, kiddo, now.
594
00:21:59,384 --> 00:22:01,886
You know, that's why
you people don't live long.
595
00:22:01,887 --> 00:22:02,887
Always rushing, rushing, ru...
596
00:22:02,888 --> 00:22:03,888
All right, okay.
597
00:22:03,889 --> 00:22:04,890
Okay, all right.
598
00:22:08,393 --> 00:22:09,393
Hey, Burt.
599
00:22:09,394 --> 00:22:10,895
Did you hear
the one about the...
600
00:22:10,896 --> 00:22:11,896
Burt?
601
00:22:13,398 --> 00:22:15,400
Oh!
602
00:22:19,404 --> 00:22:21,906
That was some dive.
603
00:22:21,907 --> 00:22:23,908
Did you see the way
he changed direction?
604
00:22:23,909 --> 00:22:24,909
Guess he thought
605
00:22:24,910 --> 00:22:26,410
flapping his arms would help.
606
00:22:27,412 --> 00:22:28,412
Good thing there's a lake
607
00:22:28,413 --> 00:22:29,914
in front of this building.
608
00:22:29,915 --> 00:22:30,915
Good thing
609
00:22:30,916 --> 00:22:31,916
he missed the boat in the lake
610
00:22:31,917 --> 00:22:32,957
in front of this building.
611
00:22:38,263 --> 00:22:39,423
So, what are you waiting for?
612
00:22:39,424 --> 00:22:41,425
New Year's? Hey.
613
00:22:41,426 --> 00:22:42,927
All right, all right, all right.
614
00:22:42,928 --> 00:22:44,930
Rush, rush, rush, rush, rush.
615
00:22:47,432 --> 00:22:49,433
All right.
616
00:22:49,434 --> 00:22:50,935
I'm ready.
617
00:22:50,936 --> 00:22:52,436
Listen...
618
00:22:52,437 --> 00:22:53,437
thanks for everything,
619
00:22:53,438 --> 00:22:55,940
and I really had
a wonderful time.
620
00:22:55,941 --> 00:22:57,441
Give Mary a kiss for me,
621
00:22:57,442 --> 00:22:58,943
and your blue suit...
622
00:22:58,944 --> 00:23:00,946
It's in the cleaner's.
623
00:23:02,948 --> 00:23:03,948
Bye, Burt.
624
00:23:03,949 --> 00:23:05,449
Bye, Burt.
625
00:23:09,955 --> 00:23:10,955
Bye, Burt.
626
00:23:13,458 --> 00:23:15,960
Now... Now I can go home.
627
00:23:25,551 --> 00:23:27,471
ANNOUNCER:
Now that alien Burt has left for good,
628
00:23:27,472 --> 00:23:29,473
will real Burt
be able to convince Mary
629
00:23:29,474 --> 00:23:30,975
she was living with alien Burt?
630
00:23:30,976 --> 00:23:33,477
Is Eunice convinced
Chester isn't fooling around?
631
00:23:33,478 --> 00:23:34,979
Is Corinne convinced he is?
632
00:23:34,980 --> 00:23:37,481
Has Corinne convinced him
he'd better stop?
633
00:23:37,482 --> 00:23:38,482
Is he convinced?
634
00:23:38,483 --> 00:23:39,483
Does Dutch really believe
635
00:23:39,484 --> 00:23:41,986
Eunice is planning
a surprise shower for him,
636
00:23:41,987 --> 00:23:43,988
or is Eunice really in
for a surprise?
637
00:23:43,989 --> 00:23:45,489
Will Billy and his teacher
638
00:23:45,490 --> 00:23:47,491
ever be alone long enough
to have an affair?
639
00:23:47,492 --> 00:23:49,493
These questions and many others
640
00:23:49,494 --> 00:23:52,497
will be answered
in the next episode of Soap.
641
00:23:55,901 --> 00:23:59,503
Soap
is videotaped
before a studio audience.
41678