Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,050 --> 00:00:04,570
ANNOUNCER:
In the last episode of Soap,
2
00:00:04,571 --> 00:00:06,071
real Burt thoughthis troubles were over
3
00:00:06,072 --> 00:00:08,574
when he was beamed to Earthand called Mary to meet him.
4
00:00:08,575 --> 00:00:10,576
Only his troubles weren't over,because on the way,
5
00:00:10,577 --> 00:00:13,078
Mary saw the alien Burtand got very troubled.
6
00:00:13,079 --> 00:00:15,080
Jessica told Chesterhe was in trouble
7
00:00:15,081 --> 00:00:16,582
because she thoughthe was having an affair.
8
00:00:16,583 --> 00:00:18,584
Only Chester saidshe shouldn't be troubled
9
00:00:18,585 --> 00:00:20,085
because he isn't.
10
00:00:20,086 --> 00:00:21,587
Eunice, who's having troublebeing around Dutch,
11
00:00:21,588 --> 00:00:23,088
and Corinnesaw Chester with another woman,
12
00:00:23,089 --> 00:00:25,090
which troubled them both,
13
00:00:25,091 --> 00:00:27,092
and might get Chesterin a lot of trouble.
14
00:00:27,093 --> 00:00:29,094
Billy and his teacherare having trouble being alone.
15
00:00:29,095 --> 00:00:30,095
When on their date,
16
00:00:30,096 --> 00:00:31,597
they saw Eunice and another man.
17
00:00:31,598 --> 00:00:33,599
Chester, with a woman,
18
00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:35,100
saw them and leftbefore they saw him,
19
00:00:35,101 --> 00:00:36,602
and he got into trouble,
20
00:00:36,603 --> 00:00:38,604
and Corinne and Timwon't be having trouble anymore
21
00:00:38,605 --> 00:00:40,606
because Tim has left.
22
00:00:40,607 --> 00:00:42,107
Troubled?
23
00:00:42,108 --> 00:00:45,111
You won't beafter this episode of Soap.
24
00:00:49,115 --> 00:00:51,617
This is the storyof two sisters,
25
00:00:51,618 --> 00:00:53,619
Jessica Tate...
26
00:00:53,620 --> 00:00:56,121
and Mary Campbell.
27
00:00:56,122 --> 00:00:59,625
These are the Tates...
28
00:00:59,626 --> 00:01:03,128
and these are the Campbells...
29
00:01:03,129 --> 00:01:08,134
and this is Soap.
30
00:01:32,659 --> 00:01:35,661
Jessica,
is this party really necessary?
31
00:01:35,662 --> 00:01:39,665
Well, Chester,
of course it is, darling.
32
00:01:39,666 --> 00:01:41,667
Dutch has joined our family.
33
00:01:41,668 --> 00:01:42,668
This party is for him.
34
00:01:42,669 --> 00:01:44,671
Couldn't we just
send him a card?
35
00:01:46,673 --> 00:01:48,173
And why do we always
36
00:01:48,174 --> 00:01:49,675
have to invite the Campbells?
37
00:01:49,676 --> 00:01:51,176
Don't we know anyone else?
38
00:01:51,177 --> 00:01:54,179
Well, we don't always
invite the Campbells.
39
00:01:54,180 --> 00:01:56,182
Sometimes, we don't invite
anyone at all.
40
00:01:58,184 --> 00:01:59,685
Of course, on those occasions,
41
00:01:59,686 --> 00:02:01,186
we don't have a party...
42
00:02:01,187 --> 00:02:05,691
which is probably why
no one ever shows up.
43
00:02:07,193 --> 00:02:08,694
You sure I look all right?
44
00:02:08,695 --> 00:02:11,196
Oh, you look wonderful,
darling, really.
45
00:02:11,197 --> 00:02:12,197
Yeah, they're gonna hate me.
46
00:02:12,198 --> 00:02:13,699
Oh, they're not gonna hate you.
47
00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:15,200
Whose is that?
What?
48
00:02:15,201 --> 00:02:16,702
That's my tie.
49
00:02:16,703 --> 00:02:18,203
You stole my tie.
50
00:02:18,204 --> 00:02:21,206
Jess, he stole my tie.
51
00:02:21,207 --> 00:02:23,208
Daddy, I lent him
one of your ties.
52
00:02:23,209 --> 00:02:25,210
That is my favorite tie.
53
00:02:25,211 --> 00:02:26,712
JESSICA:
Well, darling,
54
00:02:26,713 --> 00:02:28,714
you said that this
was your favorite tie.
55
00:02:28,715 --> 00:02:30,215
They're both my favorite.
56
00:02:30,216 --> 00:02:32,217
Here, you can take it back.
57
00:02:32,218 --> 00:02:34,219
It don't go
with these pants anyway.
58
00:02:34,220 --> 00:02:35,721
Oh, wonderful.
59
00:02:35,722 --> 00:02:40,225
In the body of a gorilla
lives Pierre Cardin.
60
00:02:40,226 --> 00:02:42,227
Eunice, I don't believe it.
61
00:02:42,228 --> 00:02:43,729
All those lessons,
62
00:02:43,730 --> 00:02:45,731
ballet, piano, elocution,
charm school, and for what?
63
00:02:45,732 --> 00:02:47,232
Oh, Daddy.
64
00:02:47,233 --> 00:02:51,236
The braces, the fat farm,
the hump, the nose job.
65
00:02:51,237 --> 00:02:53,238
Daddy, come on.
66
00:02:53,239 --> 00:02:56,241
You're a very attractive
woman, Eunice...
67
00:02:56,242 --> 00:02:57,242
Well, thank you.
68
00:02:57,243 --> 00:03:00,245
But it wasn't cheap.
69
00:03:01,247 --> 00:03:02,247
Uh-oh.
70
00:03:02,248 --> 00:03:04,249
Uh-oh,
they're here.
71
00:03:04,250 --> 00:03:05,250
They're here.
72
00:03:05,251 --> 00:03:06,252
Chester, look glad.
73
00:03:07,253 --> 00:03:09,755
Hello, darling.
Come in.
74
00:03:09,756 --> 00:03:11,256
Hello, Jess.
75
00:03:11,257 --> 00:03:12,258
Hi, Chester.
Mary.
76
00:03:14,260 --> 00:03:16,261
MARY: Hello.
77
00:03:16,262 --> 00:03:18,263
Chester.
78
00:03:18,264 --> 00:03:20,265
Stockbroker, charged
with embezzlement,
79
00:03:20,266 --> 00:03:21,767
murdered my son.
80
00:03:21,768 --> 00:03:23,269
Good to see you, Chet.
81
00:03:25,271 --> 00:03:27,272
Hello, Burt.
82
00:03:27,273 --> 00:03:28,774
Oh, my goodness.
83
00:03:28,775 --> 00:03:31,277
Oh, wow, are you the hot one?
84
00:03:33,780 --> 00:03:35,280
This is Millie.
85
00:03:35,281 --> 00:03:37,282
This is my sister, Jessica...
Hello.
86
00:03:37,283 --> 00:03:38,283
And that's her husband, Chester.
87
00:03:38,284 --> 00:03:39,284
How do you do?
88
00:03:39,285 --> 00:03:40,285
This is a palace.
89
00:03:40,286 --> 00:03:42,788
I'm in a regular damn palace.
90
00:03:42,789 --> 00:03:44,289
Are we in England?
91
00:03:44,290 --> 00:03:45,791
Come on, Millie.
92
00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:50,796
Well, I see Einstein
found Madame Curie.
93
00:03:50,797 --> 00:03:51,797
I'm so glad
94
00:03:51,798 --> 00:03:53,799
I decided to throw this party.
95
00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:55,300
Otherwise,
there wouldn't be any food
96
00:03:55,301 --> 00:03:56,802
when you got here.
97
00:03:56,803 --> 00:03:59,304
Hors d'oeuvres, Mary?
98
00:03:59,305 --> 00:04:01,306
Oh, Jess, I'm so confused.
99
00:04:01,307 --> 00:04:02,307
No, it's simple.
100
00:04:02,308 --> 00:04:03,809
If they're pink, they're salmon.
101
00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:05,311
If they're black,
they're caviar.
102
00:04:07,313 --> 00:04:09,315
No, I mean about Burt.
103
00:04:13,319 --> 00:04:15,320
What do you mean?
104
00:04:15,321 --> 00:04:18,824
He is trying
to drive me crazy...
105
00:04:18,825 --> 00:04:20,325
but I can't figure out why.
106
00:04:20,326 --> 00:04:22,327
At first, I thought
it was for my money,
107
00:04:22,328 --> 00:04:25,831
but then I realized,
I have no money.
108
00:04:25,832 --> 00:04:28,834
Then it's not for your money.
109
00:04:28,835 --> 00:04:30,836
I swear, Jess,
110
00:04:30,837 --> 00:04:33,338
he's doing what they do
in those Hitchcock movies.
111
00:04:33,339 --> 00:04:35,841
He's trying to make me
think I'm crazy.
112
00:04:36,843 --> 00:04:39,845
I hate Hitchcock.
113
00:04:39,846 --> 00:04:41,346
I saw Psycho,
114
00:04:41,347 --> 00:04:45,350
and I haven't been able
to take a shower since.
115
00:04:45,351 --> 00:04:47,352
Why do you think
he's doing it, Jess?
116
00:04:47,353 --> 00:04:48,854
For the money.
117
00:04:48,855 --> 00:04:50,355
They all do it for the money.
118
00:04:50,356 --> 00:04:51,857
There's no money.
119
00:04:51,858 --> 00:04:53,859
Oh, of course there is.
120
00:04:53,860 --> 00:04:55,360
Horror movies
121
00:04:55,361 --> 00:04:57,362
have grossed over $400 million
122
00:04:57,363 --> 00:04:58,864
this summer.
123
00:04:58,865 --> 00:05:01,366
See, I read that in TIME.
124
00:05:01,367 --> 00:05:03,368
They all do it
for the money, Mary,
125
00:05:03,369 --> 00:05:06,372
and Hitchcock is no different.
126
00:05:09,876 --> 00:05:12,378
Are you the hot one?
127
00:05:16,883 --> 00:05:19,385
Hi, doll, you wanna get naked?
128
00:05:22,889 --> 00:05:23,889
What...? What the...?
129
00:05:23,890 --> 00:05:24,890
Where is Chuck?
130
00:05:24,891 --> 00:05:25,891
What do you got in mind?
131
00:05:27,393 --> 00:05:29,394
Excuse me, but I think
I see someone I know.
132
00:05:29,395 --> 00:05:30,395
Yeah, yeah.
133
00:05:30,396 --> 00:05:32,898
Knock yourself out.
134
00:05:32,899 --> 00:05:35,400
Hey, Chuck, did you find it yet?
135
00:05:35,401 --> 00:05:37,903
Uh, no.
Well, great.
136
00:05:37,904 --> 00:05:40,405
How am I gonna see
without one contact lens? I don't know.
137
00:05:40,406 --> 00:05:43,909
What are you doing?
138
00:05:43,910 --> 00:05:44,910
What do you mean?
139
00:05:44,911 --> 00:05:46,411
Use a glass, you idiot.
140
00:05:46,412 --> 00:05:47,412
Oh.
141
00:05:52,919 --> 00:05:54,920
Oh, that's much better.
142
00:05:54,921 --> 00:05:56,422
Thanks.
143
00:05:58,424 --> 00:06:00,425
Hi.
144
00:06:00,426 --> 00:06:01,927
Hi.
145
00:06:01,928 --> 00:06:03,428
You seem to be
sitting there so quiet.
146
00:06:03,429 --> 00:06:04,429
Is something the matter?
147
00:06:04,430 --> 00:06:06,932
See, my husband was a priest,
148
00:06:06,933 --> 00:06:08,433
and he left the church for me,
149
00:06:08,434 --> 00:06:09,434
which made him so guilty
150
00:06:09,435 --> 00:06:11,436
that he went to live in a cave,
151
00:06:11,437 --> 00:06:12,437
but then our son
was born possessed,
152
00:06:12,438 --> 00:06:14,439
and he came back
to perform the exorcism,
153
00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:15,440
and when it was over,
154
00:06:15,441 --> 00:06:16,441
I thought
it would change things,
155
00:06:16,442 --> 00:06:17,943
but no, he wouldn't go near me.
156
00:06:17,944 --> 00:06:19,945
He wouldn't touch me,
and the other day, he left me.
157
00:06:19,946 --> 00:06:22,448
I'm Corinne.
158
00:06:25,451 --> 00:06:26,451
Millie.
159
00:06:26,452 --> 00:06:27,953
Nice meeting you.
160
00:06:29,455 --> 00:06:30,456
Hey, sweetie.
161
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:35,460
Chet.
162
00:06:35,461 --> 00:06:37,963
Which one's the hot one?
163
00:06:37,964 --> 00:06:39,965
I beg your pardon.
164
00:06:39,966 --> 00:06:41,466
Come on, which one
of these tootsies here
165
00:06:41,467 --> 00:06:42,968
is the hot one?
166
00:06:42,969 --> 00:06:44,970
How dare you?
167
00:06:44,971 --> 00:06:45,971
Whoa.
168
00:06:56,983 --> 00:06:59,484
That's enough, men.
169
00:06:59,485 --> 00:07:00,986
Your leave is canceled.
170
00:07:00,987 --> 00:07:04,490
Back to the barracks.
171
00:07:08,494 --> 00:07:10,996
Fifi?
172
00:07:10,997 --> 00:07:13,999
Fifi, what are you doing here?
173
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,500
I'm sorry, but...
174
00:07:15,501 --> 00:07:17,502
Fifi, I told you it had to end,
175
00:07:17,503 --> 00:07:20,505
that it was only
a wartime thing.
176
00:07:20,506 --> 00:07:22,007
You have a husband at the front.
177
00:07:22,008 --> 00:07:23,508
I have a wife back home.
178
00:07:23,509 --> 00:07:25,010
It was short,
179
00:07:25,011 --> 00:07:26,011
it was beautiful,
180
00:07:26,012 --> 00:07:27,512
and I shall treasure
the moments always,
181
00:07:27,513 --> 00:07:30,515
but it's over, Fifi.
182
00:07:30,516 --> 00:07:33,018
Remember me
as I will remember you,
183
00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:35,020
and let us say farewell.
184
00:07:35,021 --> 00:07:37,523
You will live
in my heart forever...
185
00:07:39,525 --> 00:07:41,026
And you'd better see a doctor.
186
00:07:41,027 --> 00:07:43,529
You gave me
some funny foreign thing.
187
00:07:48,034 --> 00:07:49,034
Danny.
188
00:07:49,035 --> 00:07:50,535
Yeah, Millie.
189
00:07:50,536 --> 00:07:52,537
Danny, remember when you said
190
00:07:52,538 --> 00:07:53,538
you had to think
about marrying me?
191
00:07:53,539 --> 00:07:56,041
I haven't had a chance yet, Mil.
192
00:07:56,042 --> 00:07:57,542
Well, don't think
about it, Danny.
193
00:07:57,543 --> 00:07:58,543
No, I have to, Millie.
194
00:07:58,544 --> 00:08:00,045
No, I don't wanna marry you.
195
00:08:00,046 --> 00:08:01,046
You don't?
196
00:08:01,047 --> 00:08:02,047
No.
197
00:08:02,048 --> 00:08:04,049
Oh, gee, Mil.
198
00:08:04,050 --> 00:08:06,051
I'm sorry, Danny.
199
00:08:06,052 --> 00:08:07,552
Really, I am.
200
00:08:07,553 --> 00:08:09,054
I like you, and you're terrific,
201
00:08:09,055 --> 00:08:10,555
and you have one hell of a body,
202
00:08:10,556 --> 00:08:12,057
but your entire family is crazy,
203
00:08:12,058 --> 00:08:13,558
and in just a matter of time,
204
00:08:13,559 --> 00:08:15,060
you're gonna be crazy too,
205
00:08:15,061 --> 00:08:17,562
and once you're crazy,
I'll probably go crazy,
206
00:08:17,563 --> 00:08:18,563
and I don't wanna go crazy.
207
00:08:18,564 --> 00:08:19,564
They finally found
208
00:08:19,565 --> 00:08:20,565
the right color for my hair,
209
00:08:20,566 --> 00:08:22,067
so I don't wanna go crazy.
210
00:08:22,068 --> 00:08:23,068
But you saved my life.
211
00:08:23,069 --> 00:08:25,070
Oh, it's all right. Any time.
212
00:08:25,071 --> 00:08:26,571
Well, what are you gonna do?
213
00:08:26,572 --> 00:08:29,074
Oh, I'll probably become
a manicurist.
214
00:08:29,075 --> 00:08:30,575
I've got a flair for it.
215
00:08:30,576 --> 00:08:32,577
Well, goodbye, Danny,
and thank you.
216
00:08:32,578 --> 00:08:35,080
Yeah, bye.
217
00:08:35,081 --> 00:08:36,082
Hey, Ma.
218
00:08:38,084 --> 00:08:41,087
Ma, do you think
our family's crazy?
219
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:55,600
Crazy?
220
00:08:55,601 --> 00:08:58,103
Crazy?
221
00:09:03,609 --> 00:09:04,610
Ma?
222
00:09:07,113 --> 00:09:08,113
Aunt Jessie.
223
00:09:08,114 --> 00:09:09,114
Yes, what?
224
00:09:09,115 --> 00:09:11,116
Do you think our family's crazy?
225
00:09:11,117 --> 00:09:14,119
Hit the dirt, everybody.
226
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:17,122
It's a grenade!
227
00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:26,631
Major, look what you've done.
228
00:09:31,637 --> 00:09:32,637
Oh, it's the gas main.
229
00:09:32,638 --> 00:09:34,139
They're working down the street.
It blew up.
230
00:09:34,140 --> 00:09:36,141
Oh, thank goodness.
231
00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:38,643
I thought it was the pineapple.
232
00:09:39,645 --> 00:09:42,147
Danny, what was your question?
233
00:09:42,148 --> 00:09:44,650
Never mind.
234
00:09:52,158 --> 00:09:54,160
Come on in.
235
00:09:55,661 --> 00:09:56,661
So...
236
00:09:56,662 --> 00:09:58,163
So.
237
00:09:58,164 --> 00:09:59,664
This is where I live.
238
00:09:59,665 --> 00:10:00,665
Very nice.
239
00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:01,666
Thank you.
240
00:10:01,667 --> 00:10:03,168
Very, very nice.
Thanks.
241
00:10:03,169 --> 00:10:04,669
You've done some
nice things with it.
242
00:10:04,670 --> 00:10:06,671
Thanks. Hungry?
243
00:10:06,672 --> 00:10:07,672
No. You?
244
00:10:07,673 --> 00:10:08,674
No.
245
00:10:11,177 --> 00:10:12,177
Why don't we sit down.
246
00:10:12,178 --> 00:10:13,179
Sure.
247
00:10:19,185 --> 00:10:20,685
So...
248
00:10:20,686 --> 00:10:23,188
So...
249
00:10:25,691 --> 00:10:27,692
Have you lived here long?
250
00:10:27,693 --> 00:10:30,195
No, just since my divorce.
251
00:10:30,196 --> 00:10:32,697
Could I take a shower?
252
00:10:32,698 --> 00:10:33,698
What's wrong?
253
00:10:33,699 --> 00:10:34,699
Nothing. Nothing.
254
00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:37,202
I just...
255
00:10:38,204 --> 00:10:40,705
Look at this. I've been
here five minutes,
256
00:10:40,706 --> 00:10:42,207
and your place looks like
The Poseidon Adventure.
257
00:10:42,208 --> 00:10:44,209
Come on, Billy, relax.
258
00:10:44,210 --> 00:10:45,210
I'm relaxed.
259
00:10:45,211 --> 00:10:49,214
I'm just tense.
260
00:10:49,215 --> 00:10:50,215
What's wrong?
261
00:10:50,216 --> 00:10:53,218
You see...
I've never been
262
00:10:53,219 --> 00:10:55,220
with a divorced woman before.
263
00:10:55,221 --> 00:10:56,721
It feels very strange.
264
00:10:56,722 --> 00:10:59,224
If this were a school night,
I'd be home two hours ago.
265
00:10:59,225 --> 00:11:02,227
Billy, I didn't invite you
up here to seduce you.
266
00:11:02,228 --> 00:11:03,228
You didn't?
267
00:11:03,229 --> 00:11:06,731
Whatever happens
in our relationship happens,
268
00:11:06,732 --> 00:11:08,233
and if something does happen,
269
00:11:08,234 --> 00:11:10,735
it'll be a natural
and easy thing to deal with,
270
00:11:10,736 --> 00:11:12,738
so let's just take it
one step at a time, okay?
271
00:11:18,244 --> 00:11:20,245
Are you expecting company?
272
00:11:20,246 --> 00:11:21,246
No.
273
00:11:21,247 --> 00:11:22,748
Excuse me.
274
00:11:26,252 --> 00:11:27,252
Charlie.
Hi there.
275
00:11:27,253 --> 00:11:30,255
Charlie, get out.
I'm not even in.
276
00:11:30,256 --> 00:11:32,257
Go away.
Hey, this is cute.
277
00:11:32,258 --> 00:11:33,758
Place looks nice.
278
00:11:33,759 --> 00:11:34,759
Charlie, what are you
doing here?
279
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:35,760
I was in the neighborhood.
280
00:11:35,761 --> 00:11:36,761
I though I'd drop by.
281
00:11:36,762 --> 00:11:38,263
Hi, kid.
282
00:11:40,266 --> 00:11:41,266
I didn't realize
283
00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:42,267
you tutored on Saturday nights.
284
00:11:42,268 --> 00:11:43,268
Uh, she's not exactly...
285
00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:44,769
Charlie, we're a little busy.
286
00:11:44,770 --> 00:11:45,770
Who are you?
287
00:11:45,771 --> 00:11:46,771
Who are you?
288
00:11:46,772 --> 00:11:48,773
Um, Charlie, this is Bill Tate.
289
00:11:48,774 --> 00:11:49,774
Bill, this is Charlie Walker.
290
00:11:49,775 --> 00:11:50,775
Your brother.
291
00:11:50,776 --> 00:11:51,776
Her husband.
292
00:11:51,777 --> 00:11:53,278
Ex-husband.
293
00:11:53,279 --> 00:11:54,279
So, what's the kid doing here,
294
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:56,281
delivering pizza?
295
00:11:56,282 --> 00:11:57,782
Collecting for
a paper route, what?
296
00:11:57,783 --> 00:11:59,284
Leslie and I
297
00:11:59,285 --> 00:12:01,287
are spending
an evening together.
298
00:12:03,789 --> 00:12:06,291
You're kidding.
299
00:12:06,292 --> 00:12:07,292
This is a joke, no?
300
00:12:07,293 --> 00:12:08,793
No, it's no joke.
301
00:12:08,794 --> 00:12:11,296
Oh, terrific...
302
00:12:11,297 --> 00:12:13,298
And I was too immature for you.
303
00:12:13,299 --> 00:12:16,301
That's great.
304
00:12:16,302 --> 00:12:17,302
I walk in here
305
00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:20,305
expecting to find David Niven
mixing martinis,
306
00:12:20,306 --> 00:12:21,307
instead, it's Sabu.
307
00:12:23,309 --> 00:12:25,310
Great. Nice move, Leslie.
308
00:12:25,311 --> 00:12:26,311
Mr. Walker, I don't...
309
00:12:26,312 --> 00:12:28,813
Kid, run along, huh?
310
00:12:28,814 --> 00:12:30,815
I've got some business
to discuss with Mrs. Walker.
311
00:12:30,816 --> 00:12:32,317
He's not leaving, Charlie.
You are.
312
00:12:32,318 --> 00:12:34,319
Leslie, please,
I'll handle this.
313
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:35,320
I'm not leaving, Charlie.
314
00:12:35,321 --> 00:12:36,321
You are.
315
00:12:36,322 --> 00:12:38,823
Look, sonny,
either you take a walk,
316
00:12:38,824 --> 00:12:40,825
or I bounce you down the stairs.
317
00:12:40,826 --> 00:12:42,327
Leslie, you look...
318
00:12:42,328 --> 00:12:44,329
I'm only gonna say this once,
319
00:12:44,330 --> 00:12:45,830
so you better pay attention.
320
00:12:45,831 --> 00:12:46,831
You've been asked to leave,
321
00:12:46,832 --> 00:12:48,333
and you've been asked nicely.
322
00:12:48,334 --> 00:12:50,335
Leslie has asked you,
and now I'm telling you.
323
00:12:50,336 --> 00:12:51,836
I'm a fourth-degree
black belt in karate,
324
00:12:51,837 --> 00:12:53,838
and a third-degree
master in Tai Chi.
325
00:12:53,839 --> 00:12:55,340
If you choose to stay
and make trouble,
326
00:12:55,341 --> 00:12:57,843
I'm going to hurt you
very, very badly.
327
00:12:59,345 --> 00:13:01,346
So, what's it gonna be?
328
00:13:02,348 --> 00:13:05,350
I just dropped by to say hello.
329
00:13:05,351 --> 00:13:06,351
And?
330
00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:07,352
And I said it.
331
00:13:12,358 --> 00:13:14,859
God, look at the time.
332
00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:18,863
Uh, I got to be going.
333
00:13:18,864 --> 00:13:22,367
It was nice seeing you both.
334
00:13:22,368 --> 00:13:24,370
Bye.
335
00:13:27,873 --> 00:13:30,375
That was wonderful.
336
00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:31,376
He bought it.
337
00:13:31,377 --> 00:13:32,877
Such calm, cool.
338
00:13:32,878 --> 00:13:34,879
He actually bought it.
339
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:39,384
Usually, they just beat
the living hell out of me.
340
00:13:39,385 --> 00:13:40,885
It finally worked.
341
00:13:40,886 --> 00:13:41,886
Boy, is he dumb.
342
00:13:41,887 --> 00:13:43,888
Why did you do that?
343
00:13:43,889 --> 00:13:46,391
Why? Because
he's an obnoxious jerk.
344
00:13:46,392 --> 00:13:47,392
I wasn't crazy
345
00:13:47,393 --> 00:13:48,393
about the way he treated you,
346
00:13:48,394 --> 00:13:49,894
or me, for that matter.
347
00:13:49,895 --> 00:13:52,897
What a creep, a real loser.
348
00:13:52,898 --> 00:13:53,898
Why are you crying?
349
00:13:54,900 --> 00:13:56,401
I'm not crying.
350
00:13:56,402 --> 00:13:57,402
Oh, you see,
351
00:13:57,403 --> 00:13:58,903
with the tears
and the heavy sobbing,
352
00:13:58,904 --> 00:14:00,905
I just naturally
assumed you were.
353
00:14:00,906 --> 00:14:01,906
You're probably wondering
354
00:14:01,907 --> 00:14:03,908
what kind of person
marries a jerk like that.
355
00:14:03,909 --> 00:14:08,413
Well, only some other jerk.
356
00:14:08,414 --> 00:14:10,415
Jerk?
357
00:14:10,416 --> 00:14:12,917
You're the greatest thing
that ever happened to me,
358
00:14:12,918 --> 00:14:14,919
and no one can make you
look any different.
359
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:16,921
Oh, Billy.
360
00:14:16,922 --> 00:14:17,922
I'm gonna go.
361
00:14:17,923 --> 00:14:18,923
You're real upset,
362
00:14:18,924 --> 00:14:20,925
and you should be by
yourself for awhile.
363
00:14:20,926 --> 00:14:21,966
Okay? I'll see you Monday.
364
00:14:24,430 --> 00:14:26,431
Pleasant dreams.
365
00:14:26,432 --> 00:14:27,933
I'll see you.
366
00:14:38,444 --> 00:14:39,945
Could you drive me home?
367
00:14:51,957 --> 00:14:53,458
Hello.
Mary.
368
00:14:53,459 --> 00:14:54,459
Goodbye.
369
00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:55,460
Mary, wait a minute. Mary.
370
00:14:55,461 --> 00:14:56,461
Goodbye, Burt.
Mary, wait a minute.
371
00:14:56,462 --> 00:14:57,462
What's going on here?
372
00:14:57,463 --> 00:14:59,464
I call you yesterday,
ask you to meet me,
373
00:14:59,465 --> 00:15:01,466
you tell me you're coming,
I wait all night, no Mary.
374
00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:02,967
Really?
I slept in the park.
375
00:15:02,968 --> 00:15:05,970
Oh, and who was that
grabbing me all night,
376
00:15:05,971 --> 00:15:08,473
your double?
377
00:15:08,474 --> 00:15:09,974
Who told you?
378
00:15:09,975 --> 00:15:10,975
Goodbye, Burt.
379
00:15:10,976 --> 00:15:12,977
Mary, Mary, wait...
380
00:15:12,978 --> 00:15:14,479
You call me
and tell me to see you,
381
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:15,980
and then when I see you,
382
00:15:15,981 --> 00:15:17,482
you tell me
I never spoke to you...
383
00:15:17,483 --> 00:15:18,483
And now you call me again
384
00:15:18,484 --> 00:15:19,984
and ask me why I didn't come
385
00:15:19,985 --> 00:15:21,986
when you already told me
you didn't tell me to.
386
00:15:21,987 --> 00:15:23,988
I also told you,
if you remember,
387
00:15:23,989 --> 00:15:24,989
not to talk to me
388
00:15:24,990 --> 00:15:28,493
if you saw me until you saw me.
389
00:15:28,494 --> 00:15:29,494
Listen, Burt,
390
00:15:29,495 --> 00:15:30,995
if you're trying
to drive me crazy,
391
00:15:30,996 --> 00:15:32,497
it's worked, okay?
392
00:15:32,498 --> 00:15:33,998
I'm crazy.
393
00:15:33,999 --> 00:15:35,500
I don't know
why you're doing this,
394
00:15:35,501 --> 00:15:36,501
but it worked.
395
00:15:36,502 --> 00:15:40,004
I am properly
and certifiably bananas.
396
00:15:40,005 --> 00:15:41,506
It's nice talking to you.
397
00:15:41,507 --> 00:15:43,508
While you're at Kline's,
would you pick up some Gleem?
398
00:15:43,509 --> 00:15:44,509
We're almost out.
399
00:15:44,510 --> 00:15:46,010
Mary, Mary, please listen to me.
400
00:15:46,011 --> 00:15:47,011
Listen to me, Mary.
401
00:15:47,012 --> 00:15:49,013
If you love me, please,
just listen to me.
402
00:15:49,014 --> 00:15:52,016
Okay, what?
403
00:15:52,017 --> 00:15:56,021
Don't listen to me.
404
00:16:00,526 --> 00:16:01,526
Goodbye, Burt.
405
00:16:01,527 --> 00:16:02,527
Mary, no, listen.
406
00:16:02,528 --> 00:16:04,028
Mary, please...
407
00:16:04,029 --> 00:16:06,030
Mary, just have faith
that what I say is true,
408
00:16:06,031 --> 00:16:07,031
just don't listen to me.
409
00:16:07,032 --> 00:16:09,033
When you get here,
you can listen to me.
410
00:16:09,034 --> 00:16:10,034
What have you got to lose?
411
00:16:10,035 --> 00:16:12,537
Burt, just come home, okay?
412
00:16:12,538 --> 00:16:14,038
Mare, I can't come home.
413
00:16:14,039 --> 00:16:15,540
Now, please come to me.
414
00:16:15,541 --> 00:16:16,541
Burt.
415
00:16:16,542 --> 00:16:17,542
And remember, now,
416
00:16:17,543 --> 00:16:19,043
if you see me along the way,
417
00:16:19,044 --> 00:16:22,547
don't you talk to me.
418
00:16:22,548 --> 00:16:24,048
If I see you
along the way, Burt,
419
00:16:24,049 --> 00:16:27,051
I'll probably kill you.
420
00:16:27,052 --> 00:16:28,052
Hey, Mare.
What?
421
00:16:28,053 --> 00:16:30,055
I love you.
422
00:16:46,572 --> 00:16:48,072
Get.
423
00:16:48,073 --> 00:16:50,074
Shh, it's okay, honey.
It's okay.
424
00:16:50,075 --> 00:16:52,577
Get.
425
00:16:52,578 --> 00:16:54,579
Get.
426
00:16:54,580 --> 00:16:56,080
Get, get.
427
00:16:56,081 --> 00:17:00,084
Why don't you carry a shotgun?
428
00:17:00,085 --> 00:17:01,085
It was a bee, Corinne.
429
00:17:01,086 --> 00:17:03,087
What's it gonna do,
drill through the netting?
430
00:17:03,088 --> 00:17:05,089
It could happen.
431
00:17:05,090 --> 00:17:06,591
Once, on a movie of the week,
432
00:17:06,592 --> 00:17:07,592
they ate through the roof
433
00:17:07,593 --> 00:17:10,595
of a Volkswagen.
434
00:17:10,596 --> 00:17:11,596
Hi.
435
00:17:11,597 --> 00:17:13,097
Hi.
436
00:17:13,098 --> 00:17:15,099
Jodie, you've gotta
relax a little.
437
00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:16,601
I know what you mean.
438
00:17:16,602 --> 00:17:18,603
Don't worry, you'll calm down.
439
00:17:18,604 --> 00:17:21,105
Hmm.
440
00:17:21,106 --> 00:17:22,106
Well...
441
00:17:22,107 --> 00:17:23,608
I've taken a leave
of absence from work
442
00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:25,109
till I can find a nanny,
443
00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:27,111
but I haven't been able
to find anyone I like.
444
00:17:27,112 --> 00:17:28,112
What are you looking for?
445
00:17:28,113 --> 00:17:30,114
Mary Poppins.
446
00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:31,115
Listen, Jodie,
447
00:17:31,116 --> 00:17:34,118
God was very smart
when he made babies.
448
00:17:34,119 --> 00:17:35,119
First, he gave them
449
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:37,121
a foolproof means
of communication:
450
00:17:37,122 --> 00:17:38,122
screaming.
451
00:17:38,123 --> 00:17:40,625
Second, he didn't
make them out of glass,
452
00:17:40,626 --> 00:17:43,628
and third, and most important...
453
00:17:43,629 --> 00:17:45,631
he invented apple juice.
454
00:17:47,132 --> 00:17:49,634
Once you relax,
it's really a lot of fun.
455
00:17:49,635 --> 00:17:52,136
Yeah, I guess I've been
alone too much.
456
00:17:52,137 --> 00:17:54,639
I'm feeling so much better
just talking to you.
457
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:56,641
Jodie, you've gotta
get out more.
458
00:17:56,642 --> 00:17:58,142
What, and leave Wendy?
459
00:17:58,143 --> 00:18:00,645
Listen, I've got
a proposition to make.
460
00:18:00,646 --> 00:18:05,149
I need a place where I can go
and be alone sometimes.
461
00:18:05,150 --> 00:18:07,652
At home, I've got no privacy.
462
00:18:07,653 --> 00:18:08,653
I mean, before Tim left,
463
00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:10,655
he was always
in the room praying,
464
00:18:10,656 --> 00:18:13,157
and it was really hard
to polish my toenails
465
00:18:13,158 --> 00:18:14,159
during High Mass.
466
00:18:16,662 --> 00:18:17,662
Now that he's gone,
467
00:18:17,663 --> 00:18:21,666
everybody's always coming in
and trying to cheer me up...
468
00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:23,668
So how about if sometimes
469
00:18:23,669 --> 00:18:26,671
I come over to your place
and take care of both babies
470
00:18:26,672 --> 00:18:28,172
and get a little privacy
471
00:18:28,173 --> 00:18:31,175
while you go out
and get a little bit of life?
472
00:18:31,176 --> 00:18:33,177
You got yourself a deal,
Corinne...
473
00:18:33,178 --> 00:18:35,680
And listen, it works both ways.
474
00:18:35,681 --> 00:18:37,181
I mean, since you're
a single lady now,
475
00:18:37,182 --> 00:18:39,183
feel free to leave
little Timmy with me
476
00:18:39,184 --> 00:18:40,685
when you want to go out and...
477
00:18:40,686 --> 00:18:41,686
you know.
478
00:18:41,687 --> 00:18:42,687
You mean it?
479
00:18:42,688 --> 00:18:43,688
Absolutely, anytime.
480
00:18:43,689 --> 00:18:45,190
Oh, great.
See you Tuesday.
481
00:19:08,213 --> 00:19:09,213
Hello.
482
00:19:09,214 --> 00:19:11,215
Come in X-23. Come in.
483
00:19:11,216 --> 00:19:12,216
Prepare to be beamed back.
484
00:19:12,217 --> 00:19:14,719
I'm not coming back.
485
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:16,220
Please, X-23,
486
00:19:16,221 --> 00:19:17,722
you are to come back
immediately.
487
00:19:17,723 --> 00:19:18,723
What are you, crazy?
488
00:19:18,724 --> 00:19:20,725
With what I've got
going on down here,
489
00:19:20,726 --> 00:19:21,726
forget about it.
490
00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:24,729
X-23, you are in violation
of our bylaws.
491
00:19:24,730 --> 00:19:26,731
I don't care. I'm staying.
492
00:19:26,732 --> 00:19:28,733
Come on. What are you, crazy?
493
00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:30,735
Listen, I haven't had
so much fun in my entire life,
494
00:19:30,736 --> 00:19:33,738
and I'm 16,000 years old.
495
00:19:33,739 --> 00:19:35,740
Know what they got down here?
496
00:19:35,741 --> 00:19:39,243
They got unlimited whoopee.
497
00:19:39,244 --> 00:19:41,245
So they may not live forever,
498
00:19:41,246 --> 00:19:44,248
but when they live, whoo,
they're really living.
499
00:19:44,249 --> 00:19:45,750
So I ain't coming back,
500
00:19:45,751 --> 00:19:50,254
and don't try to beam me back
because I'm jamming my beamer.
501
00:19:51,757 --> 00:19:53,257
I can't say I blame him.
502
00:19:53,258 --> 00:19:55,760
All because of this sex business
of yours.
503
00:19:55,761 --> 00:19:59,263
If I remember correctly,
it was worth it.
504
00:19:59,264 --> 00:20:01,766
Then we must beam up
the real Burt.
505
00:20:01,767 --> 00:20:03,267
Why?
506
00:20:03,268 --> 00:20:04,769
Saul, we've got
a lot of our people
507
00:20:04,770 --> 00:20:05,770
down there.
508
00:20:05,771 --> 00:20:06,771
If your people
discover two Burts,
509
00:20:06,772 --> 00:20:08,272
they are going to get
suspicious.
510
00:20:08,273 --> 00:20:10,274
Start beaming procedure.
511
00:20:11,276 --> 00:20:13,778
Mare, come on. Mary come on.
512
00:20:13,779 --> 00:20:15,280
It's just a few blocks.
513
00:20:19,785 --> 00:20:21,285
May I have
a chocolate soda, please?
514
00:20:21,286 --> 00:20:23,788
You know, it's 400 calories,
but what they hell.
515
00:20:23,789 --> 00:20:25,790
I mean, you gotta live
a little bit here.
516
00:20:25,791 --> 00:20:26,791
You know what I mean?
517
00:20:26,792 --> 00:20:28,292
Mare, come on. Mare.
518
00:20:28,293 --> 00:20:29,293
Mare.
519
00:20:31,296 --> 00:20:32,296
Mare, it's you.
520
00:20:32,297 --> 00:20:33,297
You're here.
521
00:20:33,298 --> 00:20:34,298
You're here. Thank God.
522
00:20:34,299 --> 00:20:36,300
Burt, what in the world
are you doing?
523
00:20:36,301 --> 00:20:37,301
You won't believe this.
524
00:20:37,302 --> 00:20:38,302
I'm sure I won't.
525
00:20:38,303 --> 00:20:40,805
Sit down.
526
00:20:40,806 --> 00:20:43,307
You call me,
you tell me to meet you,
527
00:20:43,308 --> 00:20:46,310
and, if on the way to meet you
I see you in the house,
528
00:20:46,311 --> 00:20:47,311
I should ignore you.
529
00:20:47,312 --> 00:20:48,813
Right.
Because that isn't you.
530
00:20:48,814 --> 00:20:49,814
Exactly. That's him.
531
00:20:49,815 --> 00:20:50,815
Who?
My double.
532
00:20:50,816 --> 00:20:52,316
Your double?
533
00:20:52,317 --> 00:20:54,319
The little silver guy
who looks just like me.
534
00:20:56,822 --> 00:20:59,824
Thank you.
535
00:20:59,825 --> 00:21:03,327
Burt, you remember
Dr. Medlow?
536
00:21:03,328 --> 00:21:04,829
He helped you
when you were invisible.
537
00:21:04,830 --> 00:21:06,330
You remember
when you were invisible?
538
00:21:06,331 --> 00:21:08,332
Mary, no. Mary, please.
539
00:21:08,333 --> 00:21:10,334
This is different here.
This is real.
540
00:21:10,335 --> 00:21:11,836
These are real space people.
541
00:21:11,837 --> 00:21:13,838
You remember you used to
snap your fingers
542
00:21:13,839 --> 00:21:15,339
and think no one could see you?
543
00:21:15,340 --> 00:21:16,340
Mary, please, I'm telling you,
544
00:21:16,341 --> 00:21:17,842
they beamed me up
to their spaceship.
545
00:21:20,345 --> 00:21:21,345
Mary, I'm telling you,
546
00:21:21,346 --> 00:21:23,347
they beamed me up
to their spaceship.
547
00:21:23,348 --> 00:21:24,348
They can do that,
548
00:21:24,349 --> 00:21:25,850
and they sent my double
back down here.
549
00:21:25,851 --> 00:21:26,851
Mare, they can...
550
00:21:26,852 --> 00:21:29,855
They zapped me just like that:
551
00:21:34,860 --> 00:21:37,862
Oh, my God.
552
00:21:37,863 --> 00:21:38,863
Burt?
553
00:21:38,864 --> 00:21:42,366
Burt?
554
00:21:42,367 --> 00:21:46,370
Oh! Oh, Burt, I'm sorry.
555
00:21:46,371 --> 00:21:50,375
You can make yourself invisible.
556
00:21:53,378 --> 00:21:55,880
Uh... you do...
557
00:21:55,881 --> 00:21:58,883
Um... he was just...
558
00:22:00,886 --> 00:22:01,886
I...
559
00:22:03,388 --> 00:22:05,890
Hi.
560
00:22:11,396 --> 00:22:12,396
This is incredible.
561
00:22:12,397 --> 00:22:13,397
It was up, and then when I...
562
00:22:13,398 --> 00:22:14,899
My God!
563
00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:16,400
What is it with you people?
564
00:22:16,401 --> 00:22:18,402
Sorry, Burt.
565
00:22:18,403 --> 00:22:20,404
Come on, fellows, have a heart.
566
00:22:20,405 --> 00:22:21,906
They got no hearts, Burt.
567
00:22:21,907 --> 00:22:23,407
It's all wires.
568
00:22:23,408 --> 00:22:26,911
You're pleading
with a microwave oven here.
569
00:22:26,912 --> 00:22:28,412
We tried to beam back
your duplicate,
570
00:22:28,413 --> 00:22:29,914
but he will not come,
571
00:22:29,915 --> 00:22:31,415
and we cannot have
two of you there.
572
00:22:31,416 --> 00:22:32,917
What do you mean
he won't come back?
573
00:22:32,918 --> 00:22:34,919
He took one look at your wife
574
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:35,920
and jammed his beamer...
575
00:22:35,921 --> 00:22:37,922
if you get my drift.
576
00:22:37,923 --> 00:22:38,923
We are sorry, Burt.
577
00:22:38,924 --> 00:22:40,424
Wait a minute.
578
00:22:40,425 --> 00:22:41,425
Let me talk to this guy.
579
00:22:41,426 --> 00:22:42,927
I'll get him to come back.
580
00:22:42,928 --> 00:22:44,428
Just let me talk to him, please.
581
00:22:44,429 --> 00:22:45,930
No, you will never
get him to agree.
582
00:22:45,931 --> 00:22:46,931
Come on. Come on.
583
00:22:46,932 --> 00:22:48,933
Listen, let me try, all right?
584
00:22:48,934 --> 00:22:49,934
Just let me...
Give him...
585
00:22:49,935 --> 00:22:51,936
Give him a chance,
for God's sake.
586
00:22:51,937 --> 00:22:53,437
If he can do it,
you'll beam him back.
587
00:22:53,438 --> 00:22:54,939
Let me talk to him.
588
00:22:54,940 --> 00:22:55,940
Just let me talk to him.
589
00:22:55,941 --> 00:22:56,941
All right,
590
00:22:56,942 --> 00:22:58,442
but you have only one chance.
591
00:22:58,443 --> 00:22:59,944
If you cannot get him to return,
592
00:22:59,945 --> 00:23:00,945
you will be beamed
back here forever.
593
00:23:00,946 --> 00:23:02,446
All right. Good.
594
00:23:02,447 --> 00:23:03,447
That's all right.
Let's go.
595
00:23:03,448 --> 00:23:04,949
Good luck, Burt.
Good luck.
596
00:23:04,950 --> 00:23:06,951
Remember, you have
just one chance.
597
00:23:06,952 --> 00:23:08,453
Right.
598
00:23:09,454 --> 00:23:10,955
Oh, Saul.
599
00:23:10,956 --> 00:23:11,957
I wouldn't...
600
00:23:17,963 --> 00:23:19,464
What?
601
00:23:28,473 --> 00:23:30,474
ANNOUNCER:
What will happen now that alien Burt
602
00:23:30,475 --> 00:23:31,976
refuses to returnto the spaceship
603
00:23:31,977 --> 00:23:33,477
and real Burthas only one chance
604
00:23:33,478 --> 00:23:34,979
to talk him into going back?
605
00:23:34,980 --> 00:23:35,980
Can they both stay with Mary?
606
00:23:35,981 --> 00:23:37,481
Is there enough drawer space?
607
00:23:37,482 --> 00:23:39,483
Now that Dutchis living with the Tates,
608
00:23:39,484 --> 00:23:40,484
will his eating habits improve,
609
00:23:40,485 --> 00:23:42,987
or will the carpetsneed extra shampooing?
610
00:23:42,988 --> 00:23:43,988
Now that Mary thinks
611
00:23:43,989 --> 00:23:45,990
Burt is purposely tryingto drive her crazy,
612
00:23:45,991 --> 00:23:47,491
what will she do?
613
00:23:47,492 --> 00:23:48,993
What will happenwith Billy and his teacher?
614
00:23:48,994 --> 00:23:49,994
Will it happen
615
00:23:49,995 --> 00:23:51,495
before they're too oldto enjoy it?
616
00:23:51,496 --> 00:23:52,997
These questions and many others
617
00:23:52,998 --> 00:23:57,002
will be answeredin the next episode of Soap.
618
00:24:02,507 --> 00:24:05,510
Soap is videotapedbefore a studio audience.
41093
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.