All language subtitles for SHOW Aries Spears 2016 Comedy Blueprint.VOEN.EN

If you paid for your tickets,
grow straight ahead.

Thank you.

*

Welcome.

*

*

Philadelphia,
please put your hands together

for my man, Aries Spears.

Philly, what's happening?
You good?

My God.

Well, you know what's funny,
those of y'all that know me

know I'm a big Jay Z fan.

I hope I get to be that famous
before my career is over.

'Cause this motherfucker
has surpassed being a rapper.

He's a rock star.
Like, you know you're huge

when you can sell out Africa.

He could fill a soccer stadium
in Africa

and they hold between 80,000
and 100,000 people.

He could sell that shit out
by himself.

Like, don't get me wrong,
DMX and Ice Cube is cool,

but they're not
selling out Africa.

Jay Z is a master showman.
He's a game changer.

Which means he ain't gonna
just perform to perform.

He gonna do some shit
to change the situation

'cause he know they starving
out there.

Like, he'll probably
do some fly shit

like halfway during the show.

Have helicopters fly over
the arena

and drop bags of rice
into the crowd.

Like, how gangsta would that be
if he was like,

* It's your boy, Young Hove
and you know how I'm nice *

* I know you hungry, niggas
Rice *

Rice just fall into the crowd
and shit.

All the Africans would be
talking about this shit.

"Bukembe,
I went to the Jay Z concert.

The motherfucker drop bags
of rice into the crowd.

When he said,
'Put your hands in the air,'

he meant for you to catch
dinner. My God. Thank God."

It's the Roc.

Sweetheart, up here.

Beautiful black girl,
right there. White top.

Are you having a good time,
love?

Okay, well then laugh,
goddamn it. Show me some.

Every time I look at her,
she looking at me

like she my goddamn
parole officer, nigga. This...

I hope you don't beat your man
dick with that same energy.

I know I'm funny, bitch.
Catch up.

My God. You see
the evil face on this bitch?

I bet you your pussy
taste like cold French fries.

I wish you could see the shock
on these white folks' faces.

This shit is hysterical.

They looking like, "My God.

This is what they talk about."

Don't worry.
This is how niggas talk.

I love her.

Big shout-out to all the niggas
who came here with white women.

Where the niggas with
the white girls? Represent.

Nigga, you know I'm talking
to you.

Raise your motherfucking hand,
nigga.

This ain't TV, nigga.
I see you.

This nigga lookin' at me like he
about to change the channel.

"This nigga's confrontational."

Ain't nothing wrong
with it, baby.

It's 2016. Sometimes you need

a little interracial love
in your life.

I don't even know why some
people still get caught up

into that shit. Like,
I know some black women,

not all of y'all,
but some of y'all...

Some of y'all get upset
when you see brothers

with white girls.

Don't do that shit.
It's unnecessary.

Soon as you see a nigga
with a white girl,

you wanna call them out.

"Fuck you...

Fuck you doing
with that white bitch?"

It's like,
are you gonna lick my asshole?

"I don't do that." All right,
then. Hello, white girl.

Black women, if you're not
part of the solution,

you're part
of the motherfucking problem.

Every now and then, a nigga need
to get his asshole licked.

I'm just saying.

"Motherfucker,
I ain't licking your asshole.

What if it feel good,
you clench up your buttcheeks,

my hair get caught in your shit?

I'm not XXX."

And to the white women
that don't know this,

this is what black women do
with their weave,

this is how they scratch it.

Some of y'all looking at me
like, "My God.

Why is he patting his head?"

So the next time you go to work
and you see one of your

black female coworkers
doing that, you already know.

"My God, you're itching.

No, no, no. The Negro told me.
You're itching.

Come here, Dasheeka."

No, don't do that.
Don't do that.

Don't do that.

You can't just randomly walk up
to a black woman

and start patting her head.
Don't do that.

What's your name, love?

Sierra?

Goddamn, nigga, you plucked
straight from the tree,

didn't you?

That's a pure white bitch
right there. Goddamn!

That bitch is like uncut
cocaine, nigga. That's pure.

She probably
told all her girlfriends,

"You know, they giving
these niggas away at Walmart.

Black Friday, it's a steal."

Let me ask you a question,
Sierra.

What's something you didn't
know about black men

prior to him, that when you got
with your first black man,

you found out some
of our secrets,

and you had to tell your
girlfriends, like,

"My God, girl. They wear
so much coco butter and grease.

They like to fuck with nothing
but their ankle socks on."

Every porno nigga be butt naked
with white ankle socks.

Niggas be trying to murder
pussy. We need grip.

What's your name, dog?

- Mario.
- Mario?

Nigga, put some bass
in your voice.

You representing for all of us.

You supposed to say that like
your dick was heavy. "Mario!"

Like you moving your shit
in a wheelbarrow.

"I'm gonna fuck the shit
out this bitch.

Soon as I get home,
I'm gonna uncoil it."

Mario, you guys incorporate
the race game in your sex life?

You have fun racially/sexually?
You do that?

You got to, dog. Don't make
sense to date outside your race

if you're not gonna play
the race card. What's the point?

I'm gonna give you some advice.
If you ever feel like

your relationship
is getting stagnant,

you gotta shake it up racially.

So one day when you're
on your way home from work,

call your white gal up
and be like, "Look, baby.

I'm on my way home.

Do me a favor. Leave
the kitchen window halfway open.

Be making some cookies."

And you come up behind her
with a ski mask, like,

"Bitch, put some more
chocolate chips..."

She acting
like she don't know you,

but she read about you
in the paper.

"My God!

It's the nigga chocolate chip
cookie killer!"

I understand your plight,
my real.

There's advantages
to dating white women.

I gotta go out to eat
with a white girl

I go out to eat with
a white girl, the bill come,

I try to pull my wallet out,
she get offended.

"Aries, no. No!

Put your goddamn wallet away.

It's my treat. Besides,
it's Black History Month.

Your people have struggled
long enough.

You shouldn't struggle."

I go out to eat
with a black woman,

the bill come,
we looking at the bill,

and looking at each other.

Like two cowboys
facing off at noon.

* Ooh, ooh, ooh

Listen, I joke about it,
but fuck it, man.

You ain't gotta hear me say it
to know how to do it.

You're already doing it.
Love who you love,

do what you do,
fuck what other people think.

Life is short.
Be happy, baby.

I don't give a fuck
if people date interracially.

I just wish they would be honest
about why they do it.

'Cause any time you ask somebody
why they date outside their race

they always give you that same
bullshit generic answer.

"Well, first of all,
I don't see color.

I'm just with whoever
makes me happy."

Which is bullshit
'cause nine times out of ten,

when you date outside your race,

you usually tend to date
that race exclusively.

Which means color
is exactly what you see.

But just be honest.
There's a natural curiosity.

If you're white
and you date white,

there's no mystery there.

You know what comes
with being white.

Some white women are bold enough
to be honest with you.

They tell you the truth.

"It's just something
about black men

that turn me on.

It's just something different."

And I get it, black men,
we got style, charisma,

flavor, swagger, the way
we walk, the way we talk,

we got a certain cool
that come with being a nigga.

It's automatic.

I hear some of you white girls
talk about us in the clubs

with your girlfriends.

"My God, Becky.

Look at the way his body
moves to the beat.

He's so in sync with the rhythm.

It's like it's tribal.

I bet you he'd fuck me.
He's like an angry loose monkey.

Just fucking me
with that huge nigger dick.

Sucking me dry with those
huge ladle nigger lips."

White women, we talk
about y'all the same way.

We see a badass white bitch,
we tap our boy.

"Shit, nigga.
Look at that white bitch.

I bet you she looks sexy
as hell at the bank

filling out them loan documents.

I bet you her FICO score
is through the roof!

She could cosign an Escalade
for a nigga."

Same kind of fantasy.

You know what's interesting?
I'm doing some of this

and I hear a lot
of you guys going,

"Ooh!"
Knock that shit off.

This is not
an insurance seminar.

It's a goddamn comedy show.

Like, it fuck me up
when people get offended

at a live comedy show.
You gotta understand something.

You going to go see
a live comedy show

is like going to go see
a R-rated movie.

You gotta prepare yourself
to hear and see

some wild, fucked-up shit.

Like, comics, we say fucked-up
words onstage all the time.

I love it. I like saying words
like "retarded,"

"nigga," "faggot."

And let's be honest.
We say these words,

don't it make you feel good
a little bit on the inside?

It's kinda like hot chocolate.
It just warm up your chest.

Just a little bit.

Plus, when we say these words,

we don't really
mean it that way.

Nine times out of ten,
it's an exaggeration,

a figure of speech.

Everybody in here,
at one point or another,

said the word "retarded."

Your friends or your family
do something stupid,

make you laugh, you go,
"Man, you retarded.

Fucking retard."

But we don't mean
"retarded" retarded, like...

And like, is it me, or don't all
retarded people look alike?

Fuck y'all, don't give up
on me now, goddamn it.

They all got
that same expression.

Like they just smelled
hot naked ass up close.

You ever see a retarded person
eat peanut butter?

That is a facial struggle.

And what is it about retarded
people in McDonald's?

They love fucking McDonald's.

You could be driving in your car
and have a retarded person

sitting next to you, they don't
say shit the whole drive.

They got their head
up against the glass.

They licking the window.

Soon as they see
them golden arches,

they're like, "McDonald's!"

Some of y'all tried not to laugh
and I guarantee you,

when you drive home tonight,

as soon as you see them
fucking arches,

you gonna be like,
"McDonald's!"

Or take, for instance,
the word "faggot."

They say you shouldn't
say that word.

To a gay person, that's like
calling them a nigger.

First of all, women don't
really use that word.

It's really a guys' word.
We say that to each other.

"Fuck out of here, faggot.
Fucking faggot."

I think there are worse words
a man can say than "faggot."

Like the word "delish."

Like, no man should ever
say that word.

Like, "Dog, how's that
peanut butter cookie?"

"My God, nigga,
shit is delish!"

Like, nigga, why did you dip
when you said it?

Or the word "tummy."

No man should ever say
the word "tummy."

Like, if your stomach hurt,
then goddamn it,

just say your stomach hurt.

I wish I would be around
my boy, and I'm like,

"Dog, what's wrong?"
"Ooh!

Nigga, my tummy."

If you a grown-ass man,

and you say the word "tummy"
to another grown-ass man,

you are a faggot.

Just trying to say it's not what
you say, it's how you say it.

Words have no real meaning
until you put the right

or wrong execution behind it.

Like, I'm gonna tell you
something that a lot of men

in this room will not admit to.

But every man in this room
at one point or another

has either angrily
or sarcastically

told his boy to suck his dick.

Y'all can look at me like you
don't know what the fuck

I'm talking about
if you want to.

We've all done that during
the heat of an argument.

You can be arguing
about football,

"Man, you don't know shit
about football.

Tom Brady is a much
better quarterback

than Peyton Manning.
What you mean how I know?

Motherfucker, I used
to play football.

Fuck me? No, nigga, fuck you!
Man, whatever, nigga.

Suck my dick!"

There's nothing wrong
with telling your boy

to suck your dick.

As long as it's a statement,
not a question.

Can't be like, "Fuck you, nigga!
No, fuck you!

Hey, suck my dick?"

Can't leave that open
for room for interpretation.

Gotta seal that off.

I'm just saying, words,
they fit certain people

in certain circumstances
accordingly.

Take for instance
the word "bitch."

No woman likes the word "bitch."

No woman likes
to be called a bitch.

But, ladies,
sometimes you do things

that require you
being called a bitch.

Like, ladies,
here's some shit y'all do

that pisses every man off.

And I know every man
can attest to this.

Ladies, how come in life
you guys give us options,

and then when we
choose the option

that doesn't best suit you,

you take away
the fucking options.

Like, fellas,
you ever take your lady out

to a nice restaurant,
they got indoor seating

and outdoor seating,
you go, "Hey, babe.

Where you wanna sit?"
"I don't care, you pick."

"All right, let's sit outside."
"Why you wanna sit outside?

It's cold outside.

We should sit inside."
It's like, you fucking bitch!

Shit is confusing.

I hope whoever
the next president is,

they legalize weed.

I don't understand why weed
is still illegal.

It's the most harmless vice

on the planet.

And I'm a weed advocate.

I talk about weed so much
on Facebook and Twitter,

I get people to come up to me
after my shows

and hand me nickel bags,
blunts, joints.

I had a white boy one time
give me some edible weed.

I wish somebody would have
told me that edible weed

is 50 times more potent
than the shit you smoke.

And when white boys
give you weed,

they come with warning labels.

You gotta listen
to shit they say.

I had a white dude
give me five miniature

Reese's Pieces size cups
of edible weed.

I was like, "Dog,
is this shit even strong?"

This white boy looked me dead
in my face, he was like,

"Dude, trust me.

You do that, you're gonna
see tomorrow today."

Goddamn!

I ate all five
of the motherfuckers.

I was driving home, I was like,
"Man, this ain't shit."

Cut to, I'm in my house
butt naked...

making carpet angels, nigga.

My nuts had eight hours
of rug burn.

That shit was serious.

I like to smoke weed
and watch Maury Povich.

That's how I start my morning,
an Egg McMuffin, a blunt,

and Maury Povich.

I love them "who the baby
daddy?" shows, man.

That is black ignorance
at its finest.

Like, I don't understand how
come when a nigga find out

he ain't the father, he got
to pop-lock and breakdance?

"Terrell Jackson,
you are not the father."

"Told you, bitch."

I like when the girl find out
he ain't the father,

and she take that long
run down the hall.

And just fall flat to the floor.

Like, no disrespect
to my big girls,

but if you 250-pounds

and you run at top speed,

and fall suddenly to the floor,

you looking like a baby elephant
being shot in the wild.

Toes and fat ankle meat
all in the air.

Look at all the big bitches.

Fat chick leg look
like gyro meat

with a heel at the bottom of it.

Fuck y'all,
that is funnier than that.

Next time you see gyro meat
on a spinning spool,

put a heel at the bottom
of that.

It's a fat chick leg, nigga.

Look at all the skinny girls
comforting they fat friends.

"Girl, he ain't talking
about you.

Fuck him, he ain't talking
about you."

And I know some of you big girls
going be mad at me

and talk about me in the car
on the ride home.

"Why you laugh
at what that nigga said?

It's all good, baby, baby!"

Skinny girls love that joke.

Y'all go to work the next day

and fuck with your fat coworker
in their cubicle.

"Why you keep making
that noise?"

"I just got something
stuck in my throat, girl."

"Baby, baby."

Some of y'all with me, some
of y'all trying to be polite.

When you drive home tonight,

it's gonna be you
and your friend in the car,

both of y'all gonna
be making all them noises.

Soon as the driver hit
a red light, be...

"Baby, baby."

That's when the passenger
join in. "McDonald's!"

You know what's great
about that joke?

That is such an inside joke.

No one outside this show tonight

will know what the fuck
that noise mean.

Which means you could
use that anywhere.

You be in a grocery store
and see a fat bitch

in the cookie aisle buying
one too many packages.

"Was you talking to me?"

"Go on,
get the Oreo Double Stuf, girl.

Baby, baby!"

And I gotta give fat black women
a round of applause.

Yeah.

'Cause a fat black bitch
will stick her ass

into anything tight

and be confident
as a motherfucker.

You ever seen a fat black bitch
butt naked?

My God!

She got the same body
as a baked potato.

That shit...

put your fork in the bottom
of that motherfucker

and hold it up.

And when a fat black bitch
walk in, follow her.

Some of y'all wanna laugh,
but you like,

"I'm sitting next
to this bitch."

"Why he say baked potato?"

She probably use sour cream
for lotion.

"Baby, baby!"

I know, I know. I know.

And I'm-a let you know
some freaky shit about me.

I got a foot fetish, baby.

Ain't nothing sexier to me than
a woman with good toe game.

Ladies, if your toe game
is up to par,

and you ain't got
no corns or bunions,

I'll suck on a bitch toes.
I swear to God, I will.

But you got to have a good
toe-to-foot ankle meat ratio.

I don't do hoofs, nigga.
I don't do hoofs.

You put a hoof in my face,
I be like,

"You better put that
motherfucker in a jar

and sell it."

Niggas know what that is.
That pig feet right there.

Some of the white people
confused.

There's an Asian girl looking
at me and going,

"Ooh, pig feet!"

Put a little bit of sauce on it.

My God.

Feel good to be home.

I was in Europe
not too long ago.

You don't realize
how special America is

until after you go abroad.

Like, I'm a fan
of the females in America,

got something called options.

I'm like, don't get me wrong,
there's other races in Europe.

But mainly it's Europeans.

I'm looking in the show tonight,

there's a lot
of beautiful options.

Black women, white women,
Asian, Latino.

See a couple of Indian girls
sprinkled about.

I gotta say, Indian women

But Indian men!

And it was weird 'cause I had
my first show in Sweden,

but I had a layover in London.

And they actually had Indian
people working airport security.

Fucked me up 'cause they
all had British accents.

Totally threw me. "Excuse me, sir.

Could you please put all your
belongings in a tray

and move it forward?"

"Motherfucker, what?"

'Cause I'm from America.

I'm used to,
"Can you please put everything,

and you got to..."

And I was drinking a Slurpee
at the time. I was like,

"Nigga, you don't recognize it?

The fuck you talking
like that for?"

And listen, bro,
if you a black man

and you into white women,
you gotta go to Europe.

We special out there.

'Cause ain't a whole lot
of niggas in Europe.

London is a major metropolis,
a lot of niggas in London.

But you go to southern Europe,
Eastern Europe,

Riga, Lithuania,
there are no niggas out there.

We're like a delicacy.

We're like strawberry
Kit Kats, nigga. We rare.

And that accent shit
work both ways.

Men to women and women to men.

'Cause fellas, you could put
the wrong woman

with the wrong accent,
that'll fuck you up too.

Fucked around, had sex
with a Jamaican broad recently.

It's the scariest shit
I'd ever done.

'Cause Jamaican women,
by nature, are real fiery women.

They're aggressive, passionate,
spicy.

She put the pressure on me
sexually. It was too much.

I couldn't handle it.

"You want
some of this pussy, boy?

Nigga, you better get back there
and mash it up.

Don't fuck around, nigga.
Mash it up. Mash it up.

When you pull your dick out,
you better come

with the right amount
of ammunition.

Boo-ya-ka! Boo-ya-ka!"

I was crying, I was like...

"Quit your bloodclot crying,
you pussy boy bitch."

My God.

Ain't no Middle Eastern people
in here, is there?

- Whoo!
- My man, right there.

- Where you from?
- From Pakistan.

Listen, if I said anything
to offend you...

I'm sorry. Me, you,
damn the same.

White people,
fend for yourselves.

I fuck with every race group,

but I don't fuck
with the Middle East.

When them motherfuckers
say they the bomb,

they mean that shit.

"You don't want to fuck

with me, my friend.
I am the bomb."

I be nervous as shit.
It's quiet in here,

and all you hear is...

Matter of fact,
I need to see you laughing

at all motherfucking times.

Soon as shit don't be funny,
he texting.

"It is time."

Matter of fact,
if that nigga get up to pee,

we all.

I don't wanna hear shit
about it.

"Nigga, what are you doing?"
"No, nigga, what are you doing?"

Matter of fact, if you
gonna blow somebody up...

I went to Belgium.
I was excited about that.

'Cause I'm an action movie
fanatic.

I know that's where Jean-Claude
Van Damme is from.

And ironically enough,
I watched that movie

on the plane ride over,
Expendables 2.

He plays the bad guy
in the movie.

He has a fight scene
with Sylvester Stallone

at the end of the movie.

I thought Stallone
and Schwarzenegger

Was hard to understand.

There's a moment
just before the fight,

Van Damme says to Stallone,

"Don't try
to 'shallenge' me."

It took me 45 minutes

to figure out that motherfucker
was trying to say "challenge."

"Don't try to 'shallenge' me."

I said, "What the fuck
is this 'shallenge'?

Sound like a gay black
male hairdresser."

"My God, girl.
Your hair is nice.

Who did your shit?"
"Shallenge."

Like, I can't even believe
Stallone and Schwarzenegger

still making action movies.

This motherfucker's
187 years old.

And I'm a huge Sly fan.
I love them Rocky movies.

I'm waiting for them to come out
with Rocky 48.

I'll be right there.

My favorite Rocky movie
was Rocky III,

when his trainer died.
Not 'cause his trainer died.

Just hearing Stallone cry
for the first time was magical.

Remember that scene
in Rocky III,

when he lose to Clubber Lang
the first time?

He goes back
into the locker room

and Mickey's laying on that cot.

He's got that blanket
over his chest.

He's on his last breath.
He's like,

"It's all right...
it's all right..."

Stallone starts crying.

"Mick!

Mick!"

You ever notice
in the Rocky movies,

whenever he starts out normal,
you can understand him?

But the more emotional he get,
it just fucking lose you.

Like, remember that scene
in Rocky III

when he's standing on the beach
and he's all stressed

and disheveled, and Adrian's
like, "Rocky, what's wrong?"

He's like, "Hey, yo, Adrian.

I don't want it no more."
"What are you talking about?"

"When I first got in the ring,

I didn't care what happened
to me. I didn't care!

But now it's you, the kid,
I don't wanna lose what I got!"

That's when Van Damme should
have jumped out the water

and said, "Don't try
to shallenge!"

Speaking of boxing,
I used to wanna box.

But fuck that,
that's a brutal sport.

It's a fucked up sport when you
get your ass beat so bad

you forget how to talk.

I'm gonna tell you the boxer
that scared me away

from the sport,
a lot of fellas might remember.

Old-school boxer by the name
of Riddick Bowe.

This motherfucker
was so fucked up,

he did a interview,
this nigga made up a word

I had never heard.

Like, "Riddick,
after five years away,

what made you think you could
come back and be successful?"

"Well, I feel like as long
as I come back,

train hard, believe in myself,

and do everything
I 'po' to do..."

That nigga said "po to do."

I said, he might not be able
to fight no more,

but he whoop ass in a game
of Scrabble. I tell you...

"Nigga, po to do?
How many point that is?"

I did that joke in Birmingham,
they didn't get it.

They're like, "Po to do?
What wrong?

That's a real word.
'Po to do.'

What was he po to say?
I don't..."

And I following boxing
to the core.

I even follow them
Spanish fighters,

the ones that can't even
speak English.

And I love it 'cause they always
bring in the interpreter

to translate the Spanish
to English.

Some of them old-school
black trainers

need interpreters too.

'Cause Floyd Mayweather Sr...

Like, I don't know how many
of y'all really watch boxing

or kept up on that show
when it was on HBO, 24/7,

but when Floyd Sr. talked,

that motherfucker talk
in fragments.

It'd be like double dutch.
I'd be trying to find my way

into the conversation.

Like, "Floyd Sr., what do you
think of your son's chances

to beat Manny Pacquiao?"
"I tell him,

I say look, Floyd!

I don't give a fuck what...
I that nigga daddy.

Motherfucker, you...
in that motherfucking ring.

Hit that nigga with the
four-five, brrr! He gone!"

Did this nigga just go "brrr"?

How the fuck do you
spell "brrr"?

Like, I would never think to put
that in casual conversation.

"Nigga, run down
to the liquor store

and get me a pack of Newports,
brrr! Bring it on back."

That's some old-school
black man shit right there.

And this nigga with that hat
knows exactly

what the fuck I'm talking about.

You see that old nigga
with the tilted hat?

Yeah, nigga.

What's your name, man?

Yeah, nigga, you!

What is it?

Jason? Jason.
Fuck that, nigga.

You Cadillac Black.

I know when you fuck
your old lady,

you ain't got nothing on
but that hat

and some black knee-high socks.

Nigga hittin' it from the back,
eating sunflower seeds.

"Bitch, I done told you
the dick was good to you."

He be spitting the shells
on her back.

That's some old-school
black man shit right there.

Why do old-school black men
talk and dance in place

at the same time?

"I told that motherfucker, shit,
nigga come around here,

show them niggas what it is.

Them young niggas crazy.

They get to shooting,
cock, cock, brr! Nigga gone!

Hit that nigga
with the bowling stank."

I used to have an uncle
like that.

This motherfucker would
mispronounce everything.

We'd be in the bar and shit,
he'd be like,

"Bartender, let a nigga get
a double shot of that cog-nac.

And let me get some
of them nuts.

I like them mick-ademia.

I like them ca-jews.

And what that one nut? The green
nut with the cracked shell.

Pis-ta-chio, nigga.
Give it to me."

"Uncle, that's pistachio."
"Nigga, don't sneeze on me.

Watch yourself."

Lord.

Some of y'all might have saw me
not too long ago

on ESPN SportsNation,

they're not gonna have me back.

I did a Michael Sam joke got me
in a little bit of trouble.

It was all over TMZ and shit.

And it was weird
'cause some people said

they didn't get the joke,
which I didn't understand.

'Cause it really
wasn't that complex.

I said I went out and bought
my first Michael Sam jersey,

and it had 15 "S's" on the back.

Sound it out real slow
and make a gay face

when you're finished.

Sssssssssam!

Fucking joke.

I got love
for the gay community.

They had a phenomenal month
way back.

Gay marriage now legal
all over the country now.

Right? Yay. You know?

I'm saying, it's 2016.

Theoretically, we should
be accepting of all things,

theoretically.

Like, I'm 41 years old.

I'd like to know what it's like
to be friends with a gay person.

I got friends of all kinds.
I don't have any gay friends.

And I'm gonna
be honest with you.

I'm a little homophobic.

And I'm scared,
I don't know what to expect.

If you've never had a friend
of a different race

or a different
sexual preference,

you go off your fears
and your stereotypes.

I'm sure there's some white guys
in here,

first time you hung out
with a black dude,

you thought to yourself,
"My God.

If we play basketball
and he's on my team, we'll win."

I see the Asian gentleman
sitting right here.

What's your name, sir? Dan.
I remember first time

I hung out with an Asian dude,
I didn't know what to expect.

I was like, "My God.
If we get into a bar fight,

and it's me and him
versus 45 people,

all I gotta do is step aside
and let him do his thing."

I was scared
to have a gay friend.

I thought, "What if at some
point he try and fuck me?"

And gay men get offended
when they hear you say that.

"Why you assume 'cause he gay
he'll fuck you?

You might not be his type."

Then I got offended.
"Word?"

I thought dick and balls
was the only requirement.

I didn't know that height
and eye color mattered.

I didn't know that.

'Cause I thought all gay men
was what you saw in the movies.

The stereotype.
They're not all like that.

Some gay men are very macho,
masculine men, tough guys.

Look at this dude, Michael Sam.

He don't act
stereotypically gay.

This motherfucker's a thug.
He's hard.

And that's the shit
that worry me,

'cause I can't see that coming.

What if I'm hanging out
with my gay friend one day

and I'm like, "My God.
The weather is beautiful."

He like, "I'm a suck your dick."
"No!

No, Sylvester.

No. I don't want that."

"Nigga, you don't
have a choice."

"OMG, nigga!"

And what if he's stronger
than me?

Now we have a dilemma.

Like, what if he rape me orally?

I can't report that shit
to the police.

I look weak as a man.
"Didn't you try and stop him?"

"Yeah, but he had strong
neck muscles."

Somebody might walk in on us,

thinking they interrupting
a moment.

"My God! I'm sorry!"
"No, I need help!"

This nigga's neck muscles
are strong.

Any gay people here?

Hey.

- What's your name, love?
- Kate.

Kate. Okay, Kate,
let me ask you a question.

I'm hoping you could help me out
and put me up on game.

'Cause I'm a be honest with you.
I'm ignorant to the fact,

so I need you to school me.
Can you help me, Kate?

Okay. Like, I know
when a man and woman have sex,

we kinda know what's
in each other's playground.

We know what we fucking with.
Like, a man could

suck a woman's titties,
eat the pussy,

a woman could jack a man
off, juggle his balls.

Use peanut butter
as a lubricant.

I'm sorry, my personal
shit, my personal shit.

We can fuck in about
five or six different positions.

We know what we fucking with.

Now, I would assume that
when two women go at it,

if nothing else happens,
oral sex is a must.

Like, that's almost a given.
Correct?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, okay. But then I wonder

what happens past that.

Is there ever any form
of penetration at all?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, so maybe, like,

a dildo, strap-on,
something like that?

- Yes.
- She said yes.

So that leads me
to believe this.

Really, y'all like dick.

You just don't like
what come with it.

In other words,
you like your shit a la carte.

Have you always been
strictly boneless fish?

Yeah? Okay.
So your flag planted. Pussy.

So I got no shot.

Damn! Well,
can I at least referee?

I'll pull your head away.

"You're eating
the pussy too hard."

No, yeah, listen. The idea
of two women going at it

to a dude is like, whatever.

Two dudes is...

I don't know, I just think
there's something

a little mathematical about
a man and a woman's body.

It's almost like a puzzle.

Like, everybody in this room,
individually, sexually,

has something that you are into
that is downright filthy.

Disgusting.

No one knows how nasty this is
but you and the Lord.

Like, if anybody else knew
what the fuck you was into,

you would have
to leave the country.

I'm a tell you what my thing is.

I am an aggressive
snatch sniffer.

I love to smell
a woman's snatch.

And I'm not talking delicate,
like a wine cork, like...

No.

I get into the muzzle.

I will wear a woman's pussy
on my face like a surgical mask.

And inhale till
my ribcage shows.

Have me making the Cosby face.

Like, I like a woman's pussy to
have a little mugginess to it.

Not a bad smell...
No, no, like a muggy,

like a early morning,
the sun's just coming up,

you could smell the moisture
off the grass

from the sprinkler system.

The coffee's percolating,
the bacon...

Like, the day is beginning
like...

"Good morning."

I'm just saying as a straight
man it's kind of hard

for me to wrap my mind
around that concept.

'Cause I am a fan of pussy.

Like, I know all straight men
love pussy.

But I have a sickness for...
Dear.

Pussy is the greatest,
most natural, single sense...

Like, let's be honest.
There's only four things in life

that feel really good.
Only four.

Fucking, eating, getting high,

and scratching
an inside ass itch.

Fuck y'all.
Don't judge me.

Don't act like
I'm the only motherfucker

that's ever felt pleasure from
scratching an inside ass itch.

You know it feels good 'cause
when have you ever done it

and not closed your eyes?

And you hum a little bit.

Who the fuck scratches
an inside ass itch

with they eyes wide open?

It's one of the best feelings
in life.

But I'm saying, pussy, my God.

Ladies, do you understand
how magical that contraption is

between your legs?

Men start wars over pussy.

We at war right now
in the Middle East.

It ain't got shit to do
with terrorism.

It's about oil,
and oil is money.

And if you got some money,
you get some pussy.

It's about pussy.

Ladies, you don't give
yourselves enough credit.

Next time you get
out the shower,

and you butt naked and wet,
take a second.

Look at yourself in the mirror
and high five your pussy.

Bow!

Salute yourself,
you're worth it.

I wish I could randomly
go around high fiving pussies.

I wish I could do it.

"Excuse me, miss, you know
what time it is?" "3:30."

"Thank you, bitch." Bow!

Even the fact that I mentioned
the word "pussy,"

I look in the room
and I see some of you ladies

looking at me, drawing back,
like...

Stop it, this is for you.

I'm trying to tell you, we don't
celebrate women's bodies enough.

Ladies, y'all need
to stop getting caught up

in some of these
women's magazines.

They're paying attention
to some of these

anorexic-ass actresses
fucking with your head

trying to define for you
what beauty is supposed to be.

'Cause I got news for you.

As me, we don't give a fuck...

about what you
give a fuck about.

The minute you get butt naked,
you've won. You got us.

You think we really give a fuck
about some love handles?

Our standards are not that high.

We fuck you from the back,
you got love handles,

we're like children.
We act like we driving a car.

Honk on your buttcheeks, bitch.
Beep, beep, move.

We don't give a fuck.

I love pussy, goddamn it.

I be glad when they put
that shit in a toothpaste.

Jesus Christ.

I be at CVS for 47 tubes
of pussy paste.

I brush my teeth four times
a day, I wouldn't even rinse.

Just suck it dry.

It's a beautiful word, "pussy."
Isn't it?

Like, if a woman came up to me
and said, "Sir, eat my pussy."

Absolutely.

If a woman said,
"Eat my vagina,"!

Sound too much like vegetables.

And who likes
to eat their vegetables?

It's a beautiful "P" edible word

goes together with other
beautiful "P" edible words,

like pizza, pasta,
pudding, pussy. It fits.

Same thing with us, ladies,
but in reverse.

If your man came home and said,
"Suck my penis,"

you wouldn't respect that.

It's too fluffy,
it's too playful.

Popcorn, pretzels, pe...

Fellas, you gotta say "dick."
There's authority in it.

Dick, death, danger,
destruction, damage.

Like, "Girl, open up your mouth.
Put this death inside."

And I'm a big fan
of eating pussy, too.

I used to not like it
when I was younger.

I wasn't ready,
I was too immature.

I was still a hamburger, hot dog
and grilled cheese kinda guy.

Can't expect a seven-year-old
to embrace soft-shelled crab.

They're not ready.

I had to wait till my palate
caught up with my maturity.

And I take the shit serious now
when I do it.

I don't fuck around.

I treat it special
like the moment that it is.

I get dressed for the occasion.

Put on a tuxedo.

I take a turkey platter
and put it underneath her ass

while she laying in the bed.

'Cause it ain't just
about the meal,

it's about the presentation.

And ladies,
as a personal favor to me,

stop trimming and shaving
your pussy hairs.

Some of y'all get these little
lines and landing strips.

Some of y'all are smooth
and as bald as a baby's ass.

Knock it off.

I'm a throwback nigga.

I like a '70s bush.

I wanna go down on a woman
with so much hair,

when I put my face down there,
I look like a terrorist.

I want you to see me
looking at you.

Like a puma in the jungle.

Fellas, you gotta make that
noise when you eat the pussy.

That let her know you serious.

She'll be like,
"Thundercats, ho!"

Listen, ladies,
don't always go for the man

that want you when you perfect.

Go for the man that wants you
when you flawed.

'Cause that means
he really like you.

Stick around past the bullshit,

I'm the same way when it come
to the pussy game.

I'm a nasty motherfucker.
I'm a freak.

I don't get turned on
by typical woman shit.

That don't do nothing for me.

I don't want a woman
fresh out the shower,

which your little smell goods

and your scented creams
and lotions.

Fuck that.

I want a bitch raw,
in her natural state.

I want you fresh out the gym
when it's been cooking

in its own sauces.

I want you to come home
and throw it on me.

Like, "Baby, check it out."
Thwap!

Salty pussy juice!

Tastes just like sea salt
and vinegar potato chips.

Ladies, we're nasty like that.
You could do that to us.

Fellas, we can't do that
to them.

Can't come home, be like,
"Hey, baby.

I've been playing basketball
for six hours.

Check it out, ball spackle."
Thwack.

Or use it as a chloroform.

"Come here, bitch."

All right, I know this
is coming off kinda nasty.

But there is a moral
to the story.

All I'm trying to say is,

ladies, do not underestimate
the value of your bodies.

I know a lot of y'all
want me to respect you

for what's up here
and what's in here.

And this is gonna sound
very misogynistic,

but it's the realest shit
I could ever tell you.

Your power's not up here
or in here.

This is how powerful pussy
really is.

No woman in this country
should ever be broke.

Look, yeah.
That's the honesty.

Some of y'all don't even know
how to respond to that.

"I ain't no fucking ho."

You're looking
at the glass half full.

Trying to point out
your advantage.

As long as you got titties,
ass, and pussy,

there is a man
out there somewhere

that'll fund your way
through life.

Every woman in here
is sitting on a scholarship.

Ladies, get your...

'Cause that's a hell of a hustle
y'all got. Really, it is.

Y'all can suck the right dick
and be taken care of for life.

Ain't a man in here that don't
wish he could lick

the right tit and be all right.

And they had TV shows
dedicated to y'all's hustle.

What was that one show on VH1
about the basketball ladies?

What they call that?

Lucky Bitches, yeah.

I would have loved for them
to have said that one time

in the name of honesty.
"Next week on Lucky Bitches..."

And I'm not just shooting shit
to the breeze.

I'm talking from experience,

'cause I recently
went through a divorce.

And ladies, let me let you know,

between that child support
and that alimony,

that shit is unfairly
and unjustly

set up for y'all to win.
That's y'all's hustle.

'Cause a judge ordered me to pay
my baby mama 30 grand a month.

Now, here's what was crazy
about that.

We knew for a fact that $5,000
took care of everything.

My son's necessities,
all the bills and the whatnots.

They gave her the other 25
simply because it was available.

You pay based on what you make
as opposed to what's necessary.

P. Diddy got two baby mamas.

He pay 'em both
90 grand a month apiece.

Fellas, did you know
when you get a divorce,

you are legally
and financially responsible

for her attorney's fees
and yours?

She don't pay a dime.

And a divorce can take anywhere

I was a year and a half in,
and I was 175K in lawyer fees.

The meter was still running.
So, ladies, when you think

that men don't wanna get married

'cause we're afraid
of commitment...

We're afraid of divorce.

Divorce for a man
is like getting raped

in the police station while
the cops watch and don't help.

And when a judge tell you
30 grand a month,

shit you can do about it
but bend over

and bite down on that rag.

Well, actually, fellas,
I take that back.

There is something
you can do about it.

But if you gonna go there,
you better make sure you

and your best friend's
stories match.

Judge told me 30 grand.
I said, "Shit.

I'm gonna kill this bitch.

First 48, here I come,
goddamn it."

Like, ladies,
understand what I'm saying.

If you get with a man
from ground zero,

and you build wealth together,

success, pain, tears, struggle,
together,

well, then you deserve half.

But some of these women get
with these men,

they got more than one comma
on their paycheck,

and I'm old-school.

Fellas, if you got
that kinda paper,

and you got a good woman
in your corner,

ride or die soldier,

when you leave your house
in the morning

to face life
and life whoop your ass,

you come home
and she rub your back,

make you a hot plate and make
you feel relevant again,

you supposed to make sure
your woman look good

from scalp to cuticle.

But ladies, don't get cocky
along the way.

'Cause I watch some of these
shows like Real Housewives,

and these chicks act like they
had something to do with it.

First of all,
these dudes were already rich

before they met you.
They're rich. They chose you.

They're rich, they have options.

So if a man change your life

and take you from fishsticks
to lobster, that's wonderful.

But never forget, bitch,
you used to eat fishsticks.

That's why it kill me, ladies,
when some of y'all

try to claim equality
to a certain degree.

It's not real. It's not honest.

A woman should get paid
the same amount of money

for doing the same job
as a man. Absolutely.

But ladies, be easy
with that equality shit.

'Cause y'all like to manipulate
that when it suits you.

If you my girl
and you scream "equality,"

I need you mean that.

Otherwise, I'm gonna put you
to the test.

If we asleep at night
and somebody break in the house

at four in the morning,
don't look at me.

I'm gonna turn right back to you
and go,

"You better get your equal ass
up and handle this.

This is the shit you been
waiting on your whole life.

Show me, bitch, show me!"

You downstairs
in the kitchen tussling.

I'm in the bed with the sheets
to my neck.

"I hope she handle
that ass-whooping

as equally as I would."

Ladies, don't let that feminine
shit get to your head.

A relationship
is like a team sport.

I play my part, you play yours.

Let's get this
goddamn trophy together.

Stop trying to be and say
and do too much.

It's unnecessary.

Ladies, y'all don't ever
have to fight for dick, ever.

Dick to a woman
is like faucet water.

It's free.

Ladies, you wanna fuck a man,

head up, go out on a date
with him for the first time.

And at the end of the night,
be like, "Give me the dick."

He ain't gonna be like, "No, no.
I just met you. I can't."

You say, "Give me the dick,"
he turn into a babbling idiot.

"Give me the dick."

"Come on, don't play now.
Shit."

'Cause there's no value in dick.
None.

Dick is worthless.

I could prove it to you
right now.

Every woman in this room
could run out of here right now

and run in the middle of traffic

and flash your tits.

And if a cop see you, the most
you gonna get is a warning.

"Miss, for godssakes...

you're in a public place.

Put your top down.

Move along.

Psst!"

Let every man run out of here
with his dick out.

Nigga, we are all going to jail.

And just to make us feel stupid,
we be sitting the back

of the paddy wagon handcuffed
going to jail

with your dick still out.

'Cause you know the cop
ain't gonna put it back.

"Sir, you wanna
put your dick away?"

"I will not."

"Squad to base.
We got a dude coming in

with a dick out, be advised."

They say it's harder for a woman
to be a woman in life

than it is for a man
to be a man in life.

I would agree with that in most
cases, except relationships.

Ladies, you have no idea
how much pressure

you put on us as men
to please you.

It's not a whole lot of pressure
to please us.

All you gotta do is yank it
a couple of times,

make us an egg sandwich
with cheese,

and leave us the fuck alone.

We gotta please y'all on levels.

We gotta please y'all
mentally, emotionally,

sexually, financially,
romantically.

Sometimes, a man don't
always be up to task.

It's a goddamn recession.
Shit is hard out here.

I'm gonna be honest.
How many men like me

ever suffered
from premature ejaculation?

That's fucked up.

Y'all just gonna leave me
out there like that?

Goddamn, fellas,
man down, nigga. Man down.

All the men just looked at me
like, "Nigga,

that shit is personal
as a motherfucker."

So I'm the only dude in the room
who dick ever took off

before the starter pistol?

And you ladies be devastated
when it happens.

"You...

You came?"

Like, bitch, I'm upset too.
I didn't want this.

I didn't want this!

That's a testament
to how good it really is.

Like, fellas, you ever have
your girl ride you,

and she's working
the shit out of you,

and you feel yourself
ready to come,

but you know it's way too soon?

You will grab her for dear life.

Like, "Bitch!

Don't you motherfucking move.

Stop talking! Don't breathe!
Don't think!

Stop thinking!"

I'll show you how fucked up
you women are.

Y'all acting
like y'all didn't hear us.

"What you want me not to do?"

You come a little bit,
game over.

Now you gotta finish fucking
with less ambition

and a half chub.

'Cause every man in here knows
there's nothing worse

than fucking
with a half-hard dick.

That is the worst.

You gotta squeeze the balls to
keep all the pressure up front.

You turn into a little kid,
"Can I stop?" "No!"

'Cause the minute
your dick go limp,

that's when you hear the Pac-Man
music when the ghost get him.

And ladies, if your man
is having dick issues,

please be sensitive.

Y'all can be some
cold motherfuckers.

There is nothing more
emasculating to a man

than having an opportunity
to get some pussy

and his dick is on vacation.

'Cause if our shit don't work,
that's a wrap on the evening.

Ladies, y'all don't
have that problem.

Your shit don't work,
all y'all gotta do so go...

and you back in business.

Meanwhile, your man
in the corner of the room,

jacking off like a little troll
under a bridge.

And you fucking with him.
"What's wrong? Ghost get you?"

Like, why would you do that?
That's mean.

Why would you do that?

And white women, y'all can be
a little bit more sympathetic.

Your man shit don't work,
you're, "There, there."

Black women kill
your self-esteem.

Our shit don't work,
we in the bed jacking off,

aggressive as shit,
she right next to you

with the remote."

Shit.
Die Hard fitting to come on."

I'm saying, fellas,

can't always be honest
with your woman in bed.

Sometimes, you be fucking
your girl,

and you feel yourself
getting ready to come,

and you announce that shit.
Don't announce it, just do it.

'Cause when you announce it,
that's when it backfire on you.

"Babe...

I'm about to...
I'm about to come."

You know what she gonna say.

"Don't come yet."

Ladies, do you
know how hard it is

for a man to stop
an oncoming nut?

It take every muscle
in a nigga body

to seize up at once...

We got to pull from our toes
all the way up.

From the side, we look like
a question mark.

A man will go into cardiac
arrest behind that shit.

All of a sudden, sex turn
into a crime scene.

Detectives show up.

"Hey, what do we got?"

"Dude tried to stop a nut."

"Does he have any ID?"
"Yep, shit say Cadillac Black."

You thought I forgot you, nigga?

Look at Cadillac. He like,

Go on."

I'm just saying, fellas, don't
let your ego get in the way.

Like on a night like tonight,
I know a lot of you fellas

are here with your ladies.

And you had a plan
when you left the house.

Go to a show, have some drinks,

smoke a little herb,
go back to the crib,

I'm gonna obliterate the pussy.
Yay!

Somewhere along the night,
your plan got fucked up.

Maybe you drank
a little too much, too full,

put the wrong substance
in your body.

Now you don't have
a full fucking tank.

So if you're gonna come fast,
you gotta be very careful

what position you fuck in.

You don't wanna be fucking
missionary and come too fast.

'Cause there is nothing more
that makes you feel

like less of a man
than you got come to fast

and now you got to look her...

in the face.

And she hit you with that look
like...

And you hit her
with that same look. ""

That's why if you're
gonna come fast,

you gotta do it doggy style.

That way you just pull out,
splash on her ass,

and run out the room.
Don't say shit.

As soon as it happens, you...

Send her a postcard. Let her
know you be home in two weeks.

Any young couples in here,
early 20s? Early 20s?

Guys and girls?
How old are you, baby?

Twenty-three? Wow.
You know how blessed you are?

Like, I'm 41.
Not like that's old.

But it ain't 23.

Like, your body is still...

That's your dude right there?
How old are you, bro?

Twenty-two. Wow.
Two young twenties, wow.

I would love to be in the room
when y'all fuck.

I bet you when y'all fuck,
it smell like citrus.

Like Cinnamon Toast Crunch milk.

And uncooked Cinnabon bread.

Seem like an older couple
right here. How you doing, dog?

How old are you, bro?

Fifty-one. Beautiful lady.
How old are you?

Fifty-three, 51, 53.
See the difference, twenties?

I bet you when they fuck,

Yeah, you walk in their house,
you be like,

"Damn, somebody
steaming cabbage?

It smell like steamed cabbage
in here."

What's your name, young lady?
What's your name?

What is it?

Kaleisha? God,
sound like a STD.

"Mom, my pussy itches."
"Bitch, you got Kaleisha."

And... what's your man's name?

- Chris.
- Chris.

You know it's 2016, nigga.
Why do you have a flat top?

That nigga is rocking a 1998.

This nigga got a haircut
that brought a decade back.

My man, I've been
peeping you a little bit

all night, my man right here.
How old are you, bro?

Twenty-one.
Yeah, you look young.

You look like you 12, nigga.

Who you with?

Who? That's your mom?
Hey, Mom.

Shit.

This just got awkward.

What's your name, dog? Rob?

That's what's up. Rob,
I know I've been talking

a lot of sexual shit.
It feel weird,

me talking like that
with your mom right there?

A little bit?

Don't let that fuck with you.

'Cause you know before
you were born,

your mother used to gargle
your dad's nuts.

You do know that.

He had her in the room
doing the Captain Morgan.

And she was on her knees
up under him,

sounding like Schwarzenegger.

"Get to the chopper, get down!"

You gotta know that, son.

Imagine that drive home.

"Son, your daddy ain't never
did the Captain Morgan.

Don't believe what that nigga
told you."

You gonna walk past your
parents' bedroom door now,

you gonna hear all kids of shit.

"Guys, we had a deal!"

That's when your mother yell
out, "Don't try to shallenge!"

Kaleisha.

Very pretty girl.
Chris, compliments, man.

Your girl is very gorgeous, man.
You got a winner.

Relax, nigga, I see the venom
in your face right now.

Nigga act like I'm trying
to get the pussy.

He holding onto her like
she a limited edition.

"There's only six of you left,
bitch. Don't you..."

Very pretty girl.
You guys live together?

No? Who you live with,
Kaleisha?

Y'all act like I'm gonna be
at the bitch house, like,

"Hey."

Who you live with, sweetie?

You're in school?
Okay, what you trying to do?

You in medical school?

That's what's up.

Stop clapping so aggressively.

She might just be the bitch
who put the pills in the jar.

God. Well,
you a very gorgeous girl.

I wish I was your neighbor.

I would knock on your door
at 3:00 in the morning,

asking for all kinds
of unrealistic shit.

Just hoping I could get
a glimpse of you

in something naughty.

And when you answer the door,
I'll be jacking off,

no doubt about it.

"Hey, you got some tires?

You ain't got no tires?

That's when Cadillac jump out
the other bush.

"Ask the bitch if she
got sunflower seeds!"

Philly, thank you for the love,
man.