All language subtitles for My.Stepmother.Is.an.Alien.1988.1080p.BluRay.x265-RARBG.mp4_1703484255

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Hey, love your umbrella.

- Dr. Mills. Dr. Budlong.
- Morosini, Carvalho, come with me.

If he thinks he's going to ruin any more
equipment he's underestimated the facility.

- He thinks he's cute, doesn't he?
- Yes, but I was mother's favourite.

Dr. Mills.

- This is the last time I'll warn you.
- I won't let the Klystron go above 300.

Tha�s what you said last time it rained,
but you turned it to 350.

Do you know what it costs
to repair a Klystron tube?

I know, Dr. Budlong. I'm very sorry,
but believe me it won't happen again.

You have my word on that, and I promise.

Don't worry. He can't go blowing up
your Klyman tube or whatever it is.

We've got a date tonight,
happy hour at Mingles.

Mingles. You know what that means?

What?

It means complimentary hors �oeuvres.

A veritable who's who
of secretaries and beauticians.

It means 20th century music.

You look like a sensible man.
You believe there's life on other planets?

- I don't believe there's life in this room.
- Exactly.

Your brother wants to send a radar signal
to a point in space so far away...

...i�d take 92 years to get there
and 92 years to get back.

Ninety-two years? Steve, we're late now.

Indeed. There isn't anything
out there, Dr. Mills.

We're it.

Now don't you go above 300
or I'm revoking your funding.

Now that Dr. Strangelove is gone, le�s go.
Mingles is at high party.

I can't tonight, Ron.

I�s raining.

Tonight I've got another destination
in mind. I wanna go right there.

Clouds of Magellan. It sounds like
some kind of woman's underwear.

No, the Clouds of Magellan is
the name of our neighbouring galaxy.

You want to send a radar signal
to the next galaxy?

You can't get radar to the next galaxy.

You'd have to travel faster than
the speed of light. No one can do that.

Don't watch that, it won't change.
This is the one to watch.

I like the Clouds of Magellan.

We can't get there, Ron.

But if we increase the power of
the Klystron, with lightning...

...we may get a signal strong enough
to get out of the solar system.

Tha�s the theory, anyway.

Right. Thanks.
Tell me something I don't know.

Can't this wait? Secretaries are
like animals when it comes to free food.

The reflectors line up for 10 days
only once every 19 months.

Now, with all this rain
and lightning, i�s perfect.

Perfect for men like us.

Christ! Steve, when was the last time
you went out with a woman?

January of '86. No. March of '86.

I took Dr. Elizabeth Conway
to see the Halley's Comet retrospective.

Superb.

- You see it?
- Sure, a couple of times.

How can we be brothers?
We don't have a single gene in common.

- Not above 300 kilowatts.
- Hi.

Okay. Thank you. Have fun.

We have no time to sweep frequencies.
We'll lower it below three centimetres.

But below?

I�s raining out here. I'm getting wet!

This jacket is a Ralph Lauren!

And i�s smelly.

Great, just great.

I'm wet and smelly.
They're gonna jump all over me.

Do you guys smell fish?

I�s me!

- Help me rotate the dish.
- Where's this lightning supposed to strike?

Right here.

Here?

That almost hit my shoe.

Excuse me.

All the way up.

I hate this. What the hell is this thing?

Klystron tube. Potential of 400 megawatts,
at an oscillation of 60 gigahertz.

Great. Why don't we take this to Mingles?

Stupid piece of garbage.

Now all we gotta do
is harness the lightning.

Yes, i�s good. Le�s try for lightning.

- Is this important?
- Only if it works.

Okay, deep breath. Set your retractors.

How long is this gonna take?
Single women have short attention spans.

Prepare to initiate the system.

Now!

Oh, Jesus!

- We got it!
- Look at it!

I�s going! I love you!

What is happening?

Steve! Wha�s happening?

Mills!

Mills!

What is happening?

The Klystron!

We have a red condicion in che second unic.

Fire concrol/ The laboracory area.

I'm okay.

Beautiful!

What?

My God!

I didn't only get out of the solar system,
I just went out of the galaxy.

That means we were travelling faster
than the speed of light.

How the hell did we do that?

Eleven seconds on the clock.

Down by one. Mills fakes left.
Goes around Magic Johnson.

Puts Kareem in the popcorn machine.

Why can't I dunk? Is that asking so much?

You got out of the galaxy
and they fired you?

We were using lightning
to boost the power of the Klystron.

I shorted every telemetry tracker
in the place and all my monitors.

So there's no proof.

Tha�s not fair.

What are we going to do?

I might just have to take a...

What?

Take a teaching job.

You know how that is?
One position for every 16 applicants.

I could double my babysitting.

Or take up a newspaper route.

Do girls do that now?

I�s beautiful up there.

Two hundred billion stars in our galaxy.

Tha�s really my office up there.

I wish Mom could have lived long enough
to see you get out of the galaxy.

She'd be having the whole block in
for champagne!

Think you'll ever find
anyone like her again?

Boy. Jess, I don't know.

The chances of me finding another woman
like your mother are the same...

...as me proving there's life on another
planet up there. Figure one in 16 billion.

All right, Larry Byrd, wha�s for dinner?

Fish sticks. Pop tarts.

Frozen pizza. Whatever else we can nuke
in the microwave.

What do you say, Dave?

Can we see Sirius tonight?

You know, i�s also called the Dog Star.

Come on.

- I�s quite a small planet, really.
- Half che size of ours, buc very busy.

- Have you mastered it yet?
- Of course.

You know how superb our research is.

All I have co do is ceach you
everyching I know in 20 minuces.

We're at light 30 approaching light 35.

This is a record glide speed.
They didn'c chink we'd make ic chis fasc.

Look, i�s Saturn.

- Could we stop there on the way back?
- Maybe.

Why can't I fit Neptune into this picture?

Wait. That works.

Neptunians won't like it, though.

Le�s see here.

Look at Neptune now!

- Dad, we'll be late for Uncle Ron's party.
- Look at Neptune.

I haven't finished the M.I.T. Proposal yet.

- Come on.
- I hate leaving the universe in such a mess.

Here, put this on.

Look at this.
Do these things ever work? No.

The modern light bulb has a half-life
of about 10 minutes.

- I'm going to take it apart.
- I�s not the bulb, i�s the switch.

You've been meaning to fix it, remember.

Dad, you're impossible.

Do we have any socks?

See, I knew I had a pair in reserve.
And they're dry.

I've been cooking 'em since yesterday.

Daddy, look at me.
Do you see anything different about me?

I'm wearing a bra.

You can't be! You're only 13!

My God!

You're 13.

A bra?

Well, did you get the right strap size?

Cup size. Yeah, A-minus.

Where have I been?

How can I learn everything I need to know
in only six more minutes?

This is a very backward planec.

The Mondschein 40 is che mosc advanced
research facilicy in che norchern universe.

Research has decermined you musc be
che mosc desirable woman on che planec.

Men on Earch will fall co cheir knees...

...becray cheir councries and give away
real escace for a beauciful woman.

Tha�s silly.

Will I need to eat?

No. We'll only be in che place for 24 hours.

This is che mosc imporcanc assignmenc
any of us has undercaken.

I feel so poorly prepared.

You're the Earth expert.

Buc you are che Chief Excragalaccic Probisc.
You know che Council's direccive.

I can only be your adviser.

Are you sure this research is accurate?

Celesce, che Mondschein 40
is never wrong.

Right. Le�s go.

Hors �oeuvres?

Kimberly.

- You met my brother Steve?
- No.

You gotta watch out for him,
but in the best sense.

He cares too deeply, like a sparrow.

You've got something on your lip.

A little dip there.

I think flossing is so important, too.

When I get up in the morning,
I don't even go to the bathroom first.

I floss and then I go.

Tha�s so great.

Ron, I'm beginning to think
you're avoiding me.

Hi.

Are you Dr. Steve Mills?

He's the guy dancing with his daughter.

Hors �oeuvres?

Thank you. Delicious.

Hello.

- Are you Dr. Steve Mills?
- Yes.

Will you tell me the composition
of your radar beam or not?

Which one?

Now, you don't fool me.
Your favourite colour is red.

Your favourite food is lasagne,
and your favourite rocking is Pink Fred.

Actually, I prefer green,
I'm allergic to all pasta...

...and my favourite rock is Rachmaninoff.

Of course you'd say that.

I think i�s Pink Floyd,
not Pink Fred right, Jessie?

Pink Fred is their nickname.

Would you hold this for me, please?

"Hey, hey we're the Monkees

"People say we monkey around

"But we're too busy singing
to put anybody down"

What?

Do you know what they say?
"Nixon's the One!"

Dick Nixon?

Okay.

See you later, bro.

Sailor, I like your jeep.

You've broken my heart for the last time.

You've broken my heart
for the last time, too.

Do you have any spinach,
my hands are freezing?

"I'm Popeye the sailor man
I'm Popeye the sailor man

"I'm strong to the 'finich'
'cause I eats me spinach

"I'm Popeye the sailor man
Toot, toot"

"This Bu�s for you. "

Baby!

Now will you tell me the composition
of your radar beam?

Wackygram, right?

Encore! Encore!

This is a nightmare.

Your research was all wrong!
The food was all wrong!

This dress is strange
and what is this thing?

This hat is too big.
And everything I said was crazy.

Now jusc a second.
Don'c blame ic all on me.

I never cold you chey used spinach
co keep cheir hands warm.

Daddy, who was that?

I don't know.

But I feel kinda sorry for her.
I don't think anybody liked her.

Did you?

How are we ever going to get
Dr. Steve to transmit his signal now?

He thinks I'm a lunatic.

Now jusc calm down.

You've goc co go back in chere.

And you...

- Hi.
- Hi.

Tough room.

I'm really sorry how rude I was in there.

You weren't rude.
You were very entertaining.

In fact, I thought you were
a professional of some kind.

Believe me, they'll be telling
their grandchildren about it.

Have you done any interesting
radar astronomy transmissions...

...which may have penetrated
other galaxies in the last few days?

Yes, I have.

Well, what happened?

- I�s pretty complex.
- Try me.

That was the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen.

I mean, second most beautiful.

Third.

A dog.

The system. I blew out every
resistance backup in the place...

...including telemetry trackers.
Those boys from defence were so mad.

'Cause tha�s what they use
for tracking missiles...

I must be boring the pants off you.

- No. They're still on.
- Good.

- Then what happened, Dr. Steve?
- I don't really know what happened.

It must have been something
I did in the lab.

Maybe I forgot to take a note
or dropped a setting.

Show me what you did.

Show me in your mighty lab.

I can't. They fired me.

You know I'm a little cold.
Would you mind very much if I just...

...stuck my hands right in your pockets?

Yes, tha�s better.

So, Celeste...

...where are you from?

The nether-lands.

Oh, Holland.

No, the nether-lands.

For an astronomer
you have the most wonderful fibres.

And you've got yourself
a handful right now.

I can't get back in that lab.

They're gonna kiss!

Does he know how?

Well, of course.
I saw him do it once in 1983.

I'm a bad apple.

Excuse me a minute.

I shouldn't be wearing this, should I?

I�s very nice.

Then what should I wear?

Thank you. I won't forget this.

Hold this.

What are you doing now?

I have to change. This is inappropriate.

Might I suggest a more conventional spot?

Like the backseat of my car.

There. I'm changed.

Is this acceptable?

Is the drool apparent?

I'm sorry, Dr. Mills, we have strict orders
from Dr. Budlong...

...not to let you in the building.

I left something in my office.
It was a fuzzy Carebear pencil holder.

Excuse me. I'm from DARPA. The Defence
Advance Research Project Agency...

...with instructions to tour this facility.

- So I...
- May I see some ID?

Here.

See Department of Defence.

She's with DARPA.

I'm with her.

All settings are the same.
They haven't changed a thing.

Dr. Steve, this is only
a Jansky-based telescope.

Part of what used to be called a vast array.

Used to?

I see you had to use enormous thrust.

Where's the Klystron?

Hold on, I'll see what they did with it.

- Good evening, Olaf.
- Good evening.

I�s nice to have Dr. Mills back.

- What do you mean?
- He's in his lab now.

In his lab?

There's nothing powerful enough
to have broken through our shields.

I�s clear how the reflectors work.

They're not equipped to discover
this kind of power for another century.

How did they get it so fast?

I mean, they haven't even
figured out Stonehenge.

He musc be holding someching back.

Dr. Sceve is lying.

Who are you?

Who? Me?

What are you doing here?

Where's Mills?

Get away from my equipment.

I've got to be on my way home.

I've got to get home to that good pie.

Just grab the handrail there.

Welcome to my office.

Sender number KD113B.

Just like all the rest of them, but i�s mine.

Did you ever think what you were doing
by invading another galaxy?

It wasn't an invasion.

Here was this galaxy,
minding its own business.

Perhaps a galaxy where war
no longer exists.

People all live in harmony.

Things don't go around
with such whizzings.

You're shaking. Why?

Because I've wanted to kiss you
from the first moment I saw you.

What?

You looked so beautiful and vulnerable,
then you started rhyming...

...and doing all that talking
and singing and stuff and...

I just wanted to use everything I know
about radar astronomy to protect you.

Would you mind if I kissed you?

Does it hurt?

Not the way I do it.

I have never felt anything like that
in my entire life.

Do I now have to eat the chocolate
from Pennsylvania?

Listen, I think we'd better get out of here.

Are you sure you've told me everything
about the transmission?

I think so. But perhaps we should
explore it a little further.

I'd better take you home.

No, tha�s too far.
We must go to your place.

- Are you feeling what I'm feeling?
- More.

I'm dreaming.

"Life could be a dream

"Sha-boom"

As your great poet says.

Welcome to the Mills residence.

What is this?

Hats.

This one is a collector's item.
Actually belonged to Jimmy Durante.

Who?

"Goodnight Mrs. Calabash,
wherever you are. "

He was a song and dance man
in the movies.

Come on in, this is the palace.
Help yourself. Sit down. Steal an ashtray.

I have to go check on Jessie.
Please don't leave...

...or otherwise I'll be forced to crawl up
under my bed and suck dust forever.

So wha�s going on here?

Could it be that he really doesn't know
how he made the transmission?

- Wha�s that?
- Canine.

Highly revered on chis planec.

Usually found
in che company of fire hydrancs.

Now look, Dr. Sceve's lying.

Don'c leave him alone.

But he doesn't even care
about that anymore.

Didn't you see during that kissing thing?

His skin got hot and his heartbeat went up.

And suddenly there was
a lot more of him down there.

Ic's an acc.

Governmenc cypes on chis planec
are crained co lie.

Go find him. He may be burning papers
right this minute

Oh, God!

She's beautiful, isn't she?

Who is she?

My daughter, Jessie.

Short.

Short? She's only 13.

Thirteen?

How old does she look?

Six, seven hundred, just short.

Why don't we go in here?

My bedroom?

Well, you said you wanted to talk.
Why go all the way downstairs?

Say, do you think I'm a billionaire?

Or somebody on television or somebody
who's really important or something?

You're Steven Mills, Ph. D.

A very obscure physicist
who makes $25,000 a year.

And you still want to go in here?

Yowza.

Yowza?

You make me laugh.

I mean, you're the first person that has
really made me laugh since...

Look, if we do go in there, you know,
I might probably want to do more kissing.

Surely. It was very pleasant.
But I hope tha�s not all you want to do.

Remember me?

You're so wonderful.

You're funny, you're intelligent
and you understand my work...

...and now you want to have sex.

I wanna have sex?

Don't you?

Do you?

Yes!

Well, I do, too.
As soon as I find out what it is.

- I have to go to the bathroom.
- Of course.

What is sex?

- Whac?
- "What?" You heard what I said.

What is sex?

Give me a second.
One second. Take a look ac chis.

Deleted.

What good is deleted?

Now, don'c gec exciced. Jusc a second.
One liccle second. Here ic is.

Your penis is a weapon.

Jusc like your rifle.

The milicary expeccs you co procecc ic
and keep ic dry.

All righc, men, if you'll open your manuals.

- What? Is that it?
- Take ic easy.

Here's someching else.

What does this mean, Debbie Does Dallas?

Debbie Does Des Moines.

Debbie Does D�sseldorf.

Busy girl, that Debbie.

Wha�s this?

Look behind you.

I can do that. I guess.

I don't believe it.

Why, chac's disguscing.

I can't, that right there.

Look, tha�s the most weirdest thing
I've ever seen.

Thac's why we gave ic up 3,000 years ago.

You think I could do that?

Sure. Excepc for fuel
you're human inside and ouc.

Buc do you wanc co?

The kissing wasn't so bad.

You're noc leaving me here/

Yes, I am.

I have been ordered co scay wich you
ac all cimes, co observe everyching you do/

Forget it.

Bicch/

My God, you're beautiful.

Are you all right?

Yes, don't stop.

Do you see...

Dr. Steve, that was so wonderful.

I feel like I've been hit by a train.

And I don't think you need to call me
Dr. Steve anymore.

Steve, you're so stupid. We could have
been doing this the whole time.

We only met three hours ago.

I know. What took you so long?

Do others know about this?

About us? I don't see how they could.

No, about making love.

You could become very famous if
others in the world knew you could do this.

- Really?
- Yes.

Didn't think I did it any differently
than anybody else.

You mean everybody does this?

Think of all the energy produced.

Properly channelled that energy could
propel half your people out of the galaxy.

We did some computer runs in the lab...

...and figured if we could harness
the energy output from...

...the male members of the Sheen family
we could put the state of Illinois on Pluto.

I really don't think I can
do this again so soon.

Yes, you can.

- Celeste?
- What?

Celeste, why me?

Because you're sensitive...

...and you're an outsider...

...and you worked so hard
to get through M.I. T...

...and you have two Ph. D.'s
and a delightful innocence.

Just all the qualities of a dreamer.

I know you had some really bad luck
five years ago when...

...your wife died and left you
with a daughter, Jessie, 13.

Tha�s who the short person was.

Wait a minute.
Where'd you get all those details?

I can read it. In your eyes.

Tha�s ki�s stuff.

This is no help.

Whiceside, I'm here co spend
Chriscmas wich you.

I chink.

I may scay a monch...

...or I may leave immediacely.

I don'c know. Things are so uncercain.

"Did you ever have che feeling
you wanced co go

"And scill had che feeling
chac you wanced co scay

"You knew ic was righc, wasn'c wrong
scill you knew you wouldn'c be very long

"Ic's cough co have che feeling
you wanced co go

"Scill have che feeling chac you
wanced co scay, scarc co go

"Change your mind scarc and go again
Buc changed your mind again

"Did you ever have che feeling
you wanced co go

"Scill have che feeling you wanced co scay

"Do Re Mi Fa So La Si Do

"I go

- "I'll scay"
- Shuc up you reform school fugicive.

Whiceside, I love ya. I love ya.

Dave, bon app�tit.

Dave, how are you
and your 1,000 fleas this morning?

Are you okay?

Yes, I'm okay.

Jessie, Celeste.
Celeste, my daughter, Jessie.

I know.

You stayed here?

Just overnight.

But dad...

...tha�s fabulous.

I gotta go.

Be true to your school.

Happy short person. Daughter.

Almost as happy as her old man.

Who is that?

Me.

Yes, I am happy, too.

I think...

Yes?

Will I scare you if I tell you I love you?

Not unless you hit me at the same time.

I'm serious.

So am I.

Then le�s go away.
Le�s go to San Francisco.

- Or Vancouver? Or Anchorage?
- No, I have to leave tonight.

Leave? Where you going?

Home.

To the Netherlands?

You can call it Holland now.
I know what you mean. Yes.

When are you going to be back?

No, I'm never coming back.

Never coming back? Why?
Why can't you ever come back?

- Well I...
- Celeste.

I hate to sound desperate,
but this news makes me sound desperate.

I'm desperate. Celeste,
I know this is sudden...

...but you're the most incredible thing
tha�s ever happened to me.

I look in your face
and I can't believe what I feel for you.

I'm hopelessly, insanely, out of my mind
in love with you. I can't let you go.

Walk out of my life. I mean, I can't.

Not now, not ever.
Without you there is no life.

And?

Will you marry me?

Marry you?

Yes. Please.

This is a strange development.

I know i�s sudden and quick and all.

Not if you consider
I've been waiting five years for you.

You see, before I met you
all I could think about was science.

Now I can't even think about that anymore.
All I care about is you.

Your eyes, your skin, your hair, your face.

Do you think you could think
about science if we got married?

If only I knew you were going to be
with me and you weren't going anywhere.

I know i�s kinda sudden and everything,
so I'll tell you what.

Why don't you take a short walk
and think about it?

Okay, I'll think it over.

You're not going out like that, are you?

No. Of course not.

She's an original. She's gotta say yes.

You said you'd prepare me for 24 hours,
and here i�s only been 12 hours.

You didn't tell me "spinach,"
you didn't tell me "kiss"...

...you didn't tell me "have sex,"
and what about "marry"?

Do things always happen
so fast on this planet?

I don'c chink so. You can'c walk
down che screec looking like chis.

Yes, I can. I know how this planet works.

They'll think I'm starting
some kind of trend or something.

I want you to contact the Council and
I want them here, I want them here now!

Why here?

They said chey needed an open field.
I found ic in che phone book.

What goes on here?
Is it Christians and lions?

Wrong cime frame.

- Where is che cransmission?
- We're making progress, sir.

Our gravicy has increased chreefold/

Does che subjecc suspecc who you are?

- No.
- Does che girl?

She saw Celesce puc magazines inco me
and a dress come ouc.

Kill her/

Don't worry. She's nothing.
Short, inexperienced, just a daughter.

- But we do have one problem.
- Yes?

The subject says he will be
unable to think about science...

...unless he marries me!

Well, marry him/

But we don't know what "marry" is.

One momenc.

Yes, che Mondschein 40 says
marriage is chis:

"He goes off co fighc che Turks,
and you puc on a lock. "

Yes. Wrong cencury. Marriage is chis:

"You cook and clean
and bring him marcinis. "

Wrong again? This is ridiculous.

Yes, wrong decade. Too old fashioned.

"The modern marriage:
There are no rules or responsibilicies.

"Buc if he does someching wrong,
you can sec him on fire while he sleeps.

"And go on a calk show where
everyone will forgive you and love you. "

There's only one drawback,
you'll have co have more sex.

I'll do it.

Immediacely.

Yes, sir. I know tomorrow's the last day
the reflectors are in line for 19 months.

What if there is no lightning?

We will provide che lighcning.

Jusc keep chac man fed
and keep his feec clean.

You're fading.

Yes, I know, ic's our gravicy.
Now remember, you are our lasc hope.

If we don'c gec chac cransmission from him,
our planec is doomed.

Yes, sir.

But daddy, this is so quick.
I mean, you only met her last night.

It was the same with your mother.

- At least with mom you waited a week.
- Your mother and I knew on the first night.

Are you crazy? You don't know
a thing about her.

- I know all I need to know.
- I've already gone through this, Uncle Ron.

She's after your money!

Ron, I don't even have a ball of lint
and a lead slug to rub together.

She's got a trust fund.

She has a trust fund?

You know, I don't get it.
Why does this happen to you?

I know! Citizenship!
She wants citizenship.

She wants to take jobs away from
Americans and give 'em to Dutch people!

Yeah, tha�s why she's here.

But i�s so unfair.

I mean, you know...

I�s my own brother marrying
the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

And he met her at my apartment.

Ron, I appreciate your concern.

This is something I really want.

Haven't you wanted something so much
that nothing else mattered?

I�s your wedding, I'm gonna tell you.

There's only one woman in the world
that I will ever marry.

Princess Stephanie of Monaco.

Really?

I never knew you had a thing for her.
What makes her the lucky lady?

Because she's the most perfect
woman in the world.

She'd have nothing to do with me.

Ron, brush up on your French lessons
and your tennis, maybe i�ll happen.

But right now I'm going to marry
my Princess Stephanie. So wish me luck.

You've had too much luck already.

Where did she get a wedding dress
on two hours notice?

Does she just carry one around with her,
in case of emergencies?

I hope so. Now would you go downstairs
and please be best man?

- Uncle Ron, go!
- You wanna see my date? She's 6 foot 2.

Okay.

Go and tell Celeste i�s time.

I'll have to leave you on the chair.

Can'c you wear me?

No, I'd look too strange.

I'm so hungry.

Good ching we scopped
ac che hardware score.

D- cells. Primicive, buc nucricious.

- Dad, she ate batteries!
- What?

She took three "D" batteries
out of a paper bag and ate them.

She flattened them
like a Tootsie Roll wrapper.

And she was talking to
someone who wasn't even in the room.

I love you more than anyone else
in the world.

- Nothing's going to come between us.
- Daddy, she ate batteries.

Jessie, I want you to stop this right now.

Back off, Alpo breach.

Dearly beloved...

Sic/ Roll over/ Play dead/

I've only known Celeste for eight minutes,
but I can tell she has love for Steve...

...who I've also known for eight minutes.

You're digging your own grave, Fido.

And do you Celesce van Marcin...

...cake Sceven Mills...

...co be your lawfully wedded husband?
In sickness...

For richer and or poorer,
cil deach do you parc?

- I do.
- I now pronounce you man and wife.

"I'm looking over my dead dog Rover"

- Get that dog down!
- You lefc me alone again/

I was getting married!

Honey!

What happened?

Maybe i�s a Dutch custom. They say
"I do," bolt for the lawn and start digging.

Maybe she's planting tulip bulbs.

Honey, how on earth
did Dave get up there! Look!

Dave! Don't move!

Volunteers! Jeff, Woody!

May I be the first to kiss the bride?

Sure.

I got him!

Where'd you get this dress?

I�s him! Quick, dad, the brush!

I'm coming. Here it is. I've got it here.

The brush.

Okay. Easy.

My God, you look beautiful.

Thanks, dad. I hope he likes me.

I hope you like him.

Hi. I'm Fred. The date.

These are for you, doll.

Thank you.

I'm Steve, Jessie's dad.

- This is Mrs. Mills.
- Nice to meet you.

Mouth jewellery.

Right, my braces.

My wife's from Holland, so...

You wore flats. Great.

Have a great time.

She'll be safe with me, sir.

Bye.

Did that kid look shifty to you?

Hadn't you better get back to work now?

What? You gotta be kidding,
on our wedding night?

I don't think so.

God, I love you!

- Hello.
- Lucas Budlong, please.

I�s for you.

Hello.

- Budlong, is chac you?
- Yes.

This is Carl Sagan.

Carl Sagan?

I�s Carl Sagan.

I'm assigned co che Presidenc's Commiccee
on Excracerrescrials...

...che Mosc Imporcanc
None More Secrec Commiccee.

No, I didn't know that.

Of course. And he has personally
auchorised me co inscrucc you...

...co puc Dr. Sceve Mills back co work ac
Haddonkirk Laboracories comorrow.

- Mills? But he almost blew the place...
- Shuc up, Budlong.

No argumencs.

We can'c afford co wasce
billions and billions of dollars.

Have I made myself clear, Meachead?

Yes. I...

- And how's Skippy?
- She's fine.

Tell her I asked afcer her.

A beauciful, desirable woman.

Yes, sir.

Who is Carl Sagan?

Bravo, Bag.

Now we've goc co gec Dr. Sceve
someching co eac.

You're right. He should have no excuses
not to work.

Hands on che wheel/

Tha�s what we need.

$416.80.

Wha�s this?

I�s a diamond.

I'm sorry, we don't take diamonds
at this branch. Money only.

Haven't you got anything smaller?

What did I just do?

Ic's called a sneeze. From che flour.
Buc only humans are supposed co do ic.

Whac did ic feel like?

Very funny.

Very good. Very liberating.

This is my house.

I actually had a good time.
Maybe we can do it again sometime.

Maybe next time we can even dance.

- I am starving.
- Okay.

Just what I needed.

I could have a banquet down this block.

We've goc work co do.

All right.

Did you see Uncle Ron's new invention?

I�s an all-snap shirt where
the snaps look like buttons. Great?

Except they rust in the wash.

- Good morning, dear.
- Good morning.

- I made you breakfast, my family.
- So tha�s what you've been up to?

Did you sleep well?

Yes.

Did you?

Hello.

Dr. Budlong.

How are you?

Fine. Thank you.

No, I don't know Dr. Sagan personally.

The Presiden�s Most Secret
None More Secret?

I've been thinking, too.

About the explosion
and the damage and everything.

Really? You mean it?

When can I start back?

No, not today. Today's my honeymoon.

A foreign gal.

She's a head-spinner.

Fine.

Thank you. Surely you and Skippy
must remember from your own experience.

This is Mrs. Mills. Ignore my husband
on anything but science.

He'll be there in 15 minutes.
Maybe less. Yes, bye.

Sweetie, wait a minute. I don't wanna
go to work today. I�s our honeymoon.

I wanna clean the place up for you.

I'll clean the house so you don't see a dust.

I'm Dutch. Did you ever see
a dirty street in Hague?

We are ready to clean.

Great, le�s do it together.
And we can watch my Durante tapes.

Le�s put an end
to this silly argument right now.

I'll arm-wrestle you for it. Winner cleans.

You sure you really want to do this?

Come on.

One, two, three. Okay, lady wins.
Now le�s eat right up and get to work.

Tha�s quite a forearm you've got there.

And remember the thrust.

Four hundred megawatts and lightning
isn't enough to go extragalactic.

- Wha�s this?
- Your martini. Would you like one, dear?

No, thank you.

And finally your turkey.

Dig right in.

Eat fast, solve all your problems,
and fulfil yourself. I'll make the beds.

Quite a spread.

Daddy, don't you think
this is pretty strange?

Your stepmother's just full of surprises.

I know how happy you are...

...and I wouldn't do anything in the world
to get in the way of that happiness.

- But last night, after my date...
- Your date?

How'd your date go?

Fine, but Dad, I saw her drink
the battery juice from your Honda.

Jessie!

Not only that, I saw her lift
a burning hot pan with her bare hands!

Now I wish I didn't have to go to the lab.

- Your new mother...
- Stepmother!

Stepmother loves you very much.

She's concerned that she won't fit in
around here.

She knows there'll be problems...

Dad, if the car won't start, will you
at least give me the benefit of the doubt?

Nothing happened, Jess.
You must have dreamed it.

- Bye.
- Not you.

We do che resc of che house in 14 seconds.

Then Council provides che lighcning.
He does che cransmission...

...and we head che 92 lighc years home.

Setty Lab. This is Mills.

Dad, come home right away.
The house is on fire.

You can't leave now! What if we get rain?

Jessie!

Stay away from me.

No, i�s not what you think.

You are an alien!

Oh, my God!

And you/

Quiec/

- Bag, let her down!
- Noc yec.

What do you want?

We're from Co-sign into the Eighth.

Ninety-two light years
and two solar systems away.

Your father penetrated our atmosphere
with a radar beam nine days ago.

We must duplicate that transmission
in 12 hours...

...or our civilisation will be destroyed.

Is that why you're here?
But he doesn't know how he did it!

- We assume tha�s a lie.
- No, i�s not.

You should know him well enough
to know he doesn't lie.

Could that be the truth?
Could it be it was just an accident?

No/ The ceenager is lying, coo.

No, I don't think so.

We have to find out
or we'll never be able to leave.

Leave? But what about my father?

He loves you. For the first time
in five years he loves someone.

You're gonna kill that in him.
He'll never recover.

Celesce doesn'c care. Righc, Celesce?

Righc, Celesce?

Right.

If you don't say anything,
we'll let you down.

No, we won'c/

I'm in charge of this mission.

Will you not tell your father
until we've gone?

Yes, just don't hurt him.

- Let her down.
- Celesce/

Let her down!

That wasn't necessary.

Give the dog back his bark.

Celesce, your accicude sucks.

- Ciao, baby.
- Wha�s this about a fire?

Daddy!

You said there was a fire!
Wha�s going on?

I had to say there was a fire.
What was I to say?

"The living room's spotless, come home. "

Why did you call me? Why did you lie?

I had to. Daddy, you married a person
from another planet.

Celeste doesn't come from Holland.

She comes from a place 92 light years
and two solar systems away.

Not again. You're going in for counselling.

She does. She took away Dave's bark
and put me on the ceiling for ten minutes.

Celeste is not from another planet.

Your stepmother is not an alien.

I mean, please, this is a fantasy.
Don't you think I know aliens?

I�s my business to know.

Why do we never see her eat or sleep?

And how come we suddenly get
a new living room in one afternoon?

And inside that bag there's a horrible eye.

Just like why my car wouldn't start
this morning?

Just look inside.

I come home from the lab
to look in a purse.

Lipstick. Passion pink.

Mascara. Unusual for a purse, isn't it?

Q- tips. An eye!

Jessie, there's no eye in here.

She made it disappear.
There was one in there.

And she did lift up the bacon
without a potholder.

And what about all that food
she cooked for breakfast?

You don't have an answer
and you won't believe me.

And she's gonna be gone in 12 hours,
and why won't you listen to me?

Now, honey, come on. Jessie, come here.

Jessie, where are you going?

Come back here, Jessie.

Get off the street!

Jessie, you bring that bike back here now!
Hey, come on.

- Stop!
- Wha�s wrong?

Come on!

I'm sorry, I didn't see her. Is she all right?

She's okay.

I didn't see her.

I�s all right.

You gave yourself away to save my life.

I'll be right back.

Do you really have to go?

I�s the same on both our planets.

Just when you get to know someone
they have to leave.

My mom, I mean, my first mom,
had to leave, too.

I know you have to go.
This isn't your home. I understand that.

Can you at least wait till morning?

I'll try.

Where's your spaceship?

Behind your moon, Steve.

What do you do up there?

Meditate? Plan how to break hearts?
If you know what they are.

We are where you will be in 55 centuries.
If you make it.

I'm 1,296 years old.

We reproduce by synthesis in a petri dish.

We use 104 percent of our brain capacity
as opposed to your 36 percent.

Our lives are spent in perfect harmony...

...improving our civilisation with none of
the erratic highs and lows you have here.

I see. Sort of like Switzerland.

Why do you reproduce in a petri dish?

We learned that sex was
inefficient and messy.

So you got rid of it, just like that?

I must admit, we were a little hasty
on that one.

You mean I married a virgin?
Mother would be proud.

Don't you ever do stuff like go on vacation?

Sure we do.

What do you do on vacation?

Math.

What do you do to have fun?

Graphs.

We go to warm places together
and hold hands.

I�s too bad you don't eat food.

You might find it could be
quite pleasurable.

You get pleasure out of food?

- Here.
- No, thank you.

If you want my secrets
you'll eat my sandwich.

Chew!

This is fun. What is it?

Ham and cheese on rye with mayo.

And I love the way it feels
against the roof of my mouth...

...and the sides of my tongue.

This is fun.

Here, wash it down.

This makes me smile, too.

Seagram's Scotch Whiskey.

Celeste?

Did you ever like me?

Steve, of course I did. I do.

It wasn't just physics?

No. If I were an Earth person
I would do exactly what we did.

- It might have taken a little longer, but...
- Then why can't you stay?

I just can't.

What if I never sent
the transmission again?

Then nobody would be able
to use it against you ever.

Unfortunately tha�s not the history
of your planet.

And if you don't do that transmission,
my planet will die.

- Are you mad at me?
- Mad?

I'm furious. I'm confused, I'm upset,
I'm frustrated, I'm furious!

You're everything I ever wanted
in a human and an extraterrestrial.

If I send the transmission,
which I don't know how to do...

...and save your planet, I lose you.

If I don't send it,
you stay but I kill a whole planet.

But I'd make a lousy Earth person.

I made way too much breakfast,
and the dog hates me.

The dog loves you. We all love you.

Don't you see, tha�s why i�s so hard.

Tha�s why I'm so torn apart.

I feel like Durante.

"Did you ever have the feeling
that you wanted to go

"Still had the feeling
that you wanted to stay

"Knew it was right wasn't wrong

"Go stay, stay go"

Tha�s exactly how I feel.

You know this song?

I feel just like you and Durante.

I don't wanna go, but I can't stay.

I feel only one way.

I want you to stay.

Boy, talk about being tied to your work.

I spend my whole career trying to prove
there's life on other planets...

...and when I find it, I marry it.

Lightning.

You shocked me.

Static electricity.
The metal in Ron's snaps.

Snaps.

Ron's buttons.

The cage around the Klystron.

Tha�s the wild card! Come on.

He knows.

He's a true scientist.

You realise, of course, as soon as
we've made concacc we'll have co leave.

- I'm aware of that.
- Righc afcer we kill chem.

- Kill them?
- Nocjusc chem. The whole ching.

Whac do you call ic? Earch.

We're not killing anybody.

We'll get what we need
and leave Earth as we found it.

I'm afraid noc.
We're wiping ouc everyching.

People, land mass, wacer.
The Council has cold me co cake care of ic.

We're not going to do anything.

Eighc minuces afcer he
cransmics chac signal...

...here's Earch/

Jessie, sweetie! I�s time.

Come on, get up.

Be careful.

Ron, ic's Celesce.

Celeste! I�s Ron!

Ron, ic'sjusc noc working ouc.
Sceve and I simply aren'c compacible.

What?

Our physical relacionship
jusc isn'c whac ic should be.

I need co calk co someone.
I need co calk co you.

About your physical relationship?

Could you come co che lab, and we
could discuss chese maccers of che flesh?

The flesh? Yes, sure.
But, I mean, he's my brother.

Buc we don'c need co cell Sceve everyching.

And Ron, would you mind
doing me a liccle favour?

I lefc my purse in che bedroom ac home.
Bye.

This is terrible. What am I going to do?
He's my own brother!

This is terrible. My own brother!

And yet.

Where've you been all day?
This rain could stop at any minute.

Grady, we need a conductor. A conductor.

Solid tin.

Next year when they give out
that Nobel Prize...

...I'll be up there, and I'll tell them about...

Steve, darling.

See what did it? Ronnie put his jacket
on the chair and it had brass buttons.

It was a short circuit.

Electrical impulse bouncing between
the Klystron and the fried buttons.

It threw the power way beyond
400 megawatts!

Telescope's all set, Dr. Mills.

You won't forget to tell Dr. Sagan
how helpful I've been?

Carl Sagan? Sure.

Now all we need is the lightning.

Watch the monitors.
Tha�s where the action is.

All right, put these on.

Put those on.

Okay, set your attractors.

Set your attractors.

Steve, I have to talk to you.

Bag!

You've signed your own
deach warranc, siscer/

- Prepare to initiate the system.
- Prepare to initiate the system.

I've got to. I want to kill myself.

- I'm in love with your wife.
- What?

Steve, the reflectors.

Ready!

Now!

Jesus!

Great! Nothing's changed here!

Daddy, look!

I know!

I'll be damned!

We did it again!

Science!

Steve, didn't you hear what I said?

I am in love with your wife.

She's in love with me.
I�s a whole thing. We gotta talk.

Get rid of that bag.

The bag?

That bag will destroy your planet.

Babe, I love ya, we'll get rid of the bag.
I mean, wha�s in it?

A little eyeliner, a little lipstick, a little eye.

Lighcs ouc/

T- minus cen seconds and councing.

Ten, nine, eighc...

I am indescruccible.

Seven, six, five, four, chree...

You do a woman a favour
and the eye in her purse attacks you.

Is the pocketbook dead?

Of course, you nincompoop.

Please, scep oucside.

I'm in hell! This is hell!

The cransmission was a success.

Our gravicy has already begun co reverc.
We have been saved.

Why has chis planec noc been dispacched?

You never said you were going
to destroy this place.

We musc/ They know how co descroy us.

Council, Dr. Mills never meant
to hurt anyone.

There are too many strange and
good things that go on here to destroy it.

They have war, chey have indifference,
chey have suffering.

Yes, but they also have jitterbugs.

- Jiccerbugs?
- Frivolous/

And children.

Jokes. And ham and cheese
on rye with mayo!

Mediocre.

And making love.

And sneezes.

Sneezes?

And Jimmy Durante!

Jimmy?

Show me Jimmy.

They want to see Jimmy.

Come on.

Grady.

Jimmy Durante from
The Man Who Came To Dinner.

Hello, up there,
you omnipotent superbeings...

...from some other dimensional planet.

Hit it!

"Did you ever have the feeling
that you wanted to go

"But still had the feeling
that you wanted to stay

"You knew it was right wasn't wrong
Still you know you wouldn't be very long

"I�s tough to have the feeling
that you wanted to go

"Still had the feeling
that you wanted to stay

"Start to go, change your mind

"Start to go again
But change your mind again

"I�s tough to have the feeling
that you wanted to go

"Still have the feeling
that you wanted to stay

"Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do

"I go

"I stay"

Kill chem.

Hey, you! This is an English automobile!

We have never had sneezes.

Sneezing makes che head cingle.
The whole body feels alive.

Whac else is like chis?

Sir, can you see with my eyes?

Of course.

Then this is why.

I see.

This...

...whac do you call ic? Earch.
Deserves more scudy.

Ic's coo weird co descroy.

Ic will be spared.

Celesce, ic is cime co come home.

Now come home, Celesce.

Sir, I am home.

I�s no use. I can't go.

Thac is impossible.

Celesce, you musc recurn.

Wait. Come on now.

Hi. Steve Mills.

You look like a reasonable
bunch of superbeings.

We really have to work this out.

I'm in love...

...with your Chief Extragalactic Probist.

What do you mean, no?

We need someone co cell us
abouc your war and making love...

...and all your fuzziness.

Excuse me...

...Big Thing in the Sky...

...you need someone
to tell you about making love?

We need someone co cell us
abouc everyching.

Does anyone up there
look as good as she does?

Everyone does.

- Better.
- Really?

I�s impossible.

Sir? He knows more than I do
about all things down here.

Ic's an incerescing idea.

He can come.

Who's gonna drive this thing?

Group Capcain Winnek Woofec
and che 12ch Navigacional Command.

My God!
She looks just like Princess Stephanie.

She looks just like Princess Stephanie, too.

If you say so.

They all look like Princess Stephanie.

Can I ask you a question?

You think my Rolls would be impressive?

- Mighc be.
- Can I bring it?

Yes, of course.

- Goodbye, my dear.
- Bye, Uncle Ron.

Bye, my dear.

Ron, are you sure you want to do this?
You're making a pretty radical move here.

They all look like Princess Stephanie.

They do, don't they?

Time's wasting.

Where are the keys to your beachhouse?

Enjoy.

Have a nice drive. Flight. Trip.

Get the heck off this planet.

Come on.

Right over here, baby.

- What is it?
- I�s a car.

We'll be in couch, Celesce.

Enjoy your humanicy while ic lascs.

A little one-on-one dad?

No thanks, honey.

I think Celeste and I are going upstairs
and get some sleep.

I get it.

I'll be right up.

Are you human or what?

Human. Every part.

All that power to do stuff
left with Bag, right?

I guess so.

Drive!

Drive!

Goodnight, Mrs. Calabash,
wherever you are.

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