All language subtitles for Kotch (1971) - Walter Matthau

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- Erica, this is Grandfather Kotch.
- My pleasure.

Not my grandfather, you understand.
My father-in-law.

- Erica what, may I ask?
- Herzenstiel.

Would you mind repeating that?

Herzenstiel.

H-e-r-z-e-n-s-t-i-e-I?

What do you know about that?
Talk about small world.

Name in a million: Herzenstiel.

Your family still keep up correspondence
with the Cincinnati branch?

Played basketball
with the youngest boy, Karl.

One time Karl hooked up an extension cord
and brought a lamp out onto the porch.

Grandpa, listen...

We were looking at these old pictures.
There was this one of Fred, Karl's father.

Goes way back to World War I, of course.

He had these patent leather boots
up to here.

He had spurs, a long sword.

Handsome figure of a man. Very handsome.

What he had been back in Germany
was in the elite guards...

and the spurs made me think that it was
the horse guards of old Kaiser Wilhelm.

Old Kaiser himself
standing up there in front.

That's what started the rumors.

But you can tell your folks for me...

that old Fred was no more a German spy
than Duncan here. That was a lot of talk.

The first thing to do is to program this.

Monday and Wednesdays
I do three hours at children's hospital.

Your late afternoons are free, I assume.

I guess,
except when social orientation takes trips.

I'm sure we can synchronize.

You see, Mr. Kotcher, my husband
and I both feel that...

it's come to a point where it isn't
quite fair, isn't quite right...

to make a full-time babysitter
out of grandpa here.

We're invited to dinner tonight.

If you're prepared to stay,
would that be all right?

- All right.
- Pretty short notice, if you ask me.

I'm sure Miss Herzenstiel
has more important things to do.

You run along now, Miss Herzenstiel.
Dunc and I will hold down the fort.

Just let me get a quick shower
and wash my hair.

Come on.

We'll talk things over while it dries,
and I'll show you how the kitchen works.

One thing I want clearly understood,
I believe in getting off on the right foot.

When I leave you in charge of Duncan,
you're in charge of him, period. 100%.

Well.

"Wherefore art thou, Romeo?"

"A rose by any other name
would smell as sweet."

Time to dunk, Dunc. Come on, cookie.

When he goes into the pool,
he likes to be by the warm water jet.

I know. Then he pees.

Come on.

Let's go into the water.

It's grammatically incorrect, you know.

Syntactically, I should say.
Unless, of course...

they seriously want
to exclude everybody but children...

and mothers under the age of eight,
and there aren't too many of those.

Ricky!

Come on, Dunc.

Bring the stroller!

Hi, Vinnie.

Come on, Dunc.

Here.

How do you do?
I'm Joseph Kotcher, Duncan's grandfather.

Okay!

Hop in.

Why don't you youngsters run along?

Don't worry about Duncan and me.
We'll bring up the rear.

I'm not supposed to. Come on, pumpkin.

Wilma wouldn't mind. She...

Do you want a ride or not?

Thanks very much...

But, no, I don't think so.

I keep meaning to check old Spock
and see if he doesn't have some theory...

on why they all get
such a charge out of doing that.

Son Gerald did it, grandson Duncan does it.

Pitches something out of the crib and
then stands there looking over the side.

Always reminds me of someone
at the rail of a big ocean liner.

Very sad thing. Very deep down there. Gone.

Whatever it is, gone forever.

My wife and I, Vera and I,
we made two trips to Europe by boat.

Right after we were married, first time.
Second time, just before she died.

It was the Mauritania both times.
Same ship, different name, though.

The old one and the new one.
I guess the new one's finished now, too.

What's the matter, dear?

She has a stomachache.
I think she ate some water.

Oh, my God, it's him. He's at it again.

That dirty old man.
They get that way, you know.

There you are. You feel better?
Go ahead. Go to your mama.

It's my kid!

Pop, there's a couple of people here
to see you.

Pop!

Sorry, Gerald. I couldn't hear you.

There's a couple of people here to see you.

Listen, before we go in...
They make this sound pretty serious.

Now, man to man,
what exactly happened in the park today?

Park?

What was with you and this little girl?

Oh, that.
A little misunderstanding all around.

Man to man, Gerald, it's quite possible
I saved a child from pneumonia...

or forestalled a bad case of mastoiditis.

It's less serious than it used to be,
mastoiditis, antibiotics and all.

Remember the summer
we had to stop you from diving, Gerald?

What the doctor decided was
that your head was too narrow.

Your mother's head was too narrow.

Your eustachian tube
wasn't draining properly.

The ordinary person
gets water up his eustachian tube...

drains right out again, slick as a whistle.

Yours, the water kept
getting stuck up there.

Thing would pinch right in the middle,
form like one of those egg timers.

We'll have to keep an eye on Duncan
in case he's inherited the same anomaly.

Pop, I believe you met Mrs. Fisher.

Oh, yes.

This is Miss Roberts.
Miss Roberts is with the parks department.

My pleasure.

You ladies care for some coffee,
maybe something stronger?

Gerald, I don't think
your father understands.

- Let's not get excited.
- May I moderate this?

Won't you all sit down?

As you know, Mr. Kotcher,
we have a few rules in the parks.

Gambling, intoxicating liquor,
lewd behavior.

People who can't behave themselves
in the park shouldn't be in there.

Now, Mrs. Fisher has made
a complaint against you.

My job is to find out what ensued
between you and her daughter Gabrielle.

I told you what ensued,
and I have two witnesses.

He won't leave the kids alone.
He can't keep his hands off them.

- He touched her indecently.
- He touched her where?

- Behind.
- Pop, is this right?

The more I think about it, the more I know
I've overstressed mastoiditis.

It's true the child was suffering a chill
when I approached her...

but now I'm inclined
more towards psychogenic shock.

Just try and get
a straight answer out of him.

Pop, if you did such a thing,
it's inexcusable. Tell the truth.

Fella I was talking to the other day,
didn't catch his name...

he thought the whole thing started
with John McGraw.

It might have been Casey Stengel,
or maybe old Knute Rockne.

That's what he does.

What's Casey Stengel
got to do with anything?

I'm trying to tell you, Gerald.

I get it all day long. Ask a question,
he goes off on some tangent.

When you did something great,
home run, or touchdown, or whatever...

the other players shook your hand,
patted you on the back...

for congratulations. Or when the coach
sent a new player into the game.

Give them a nice start.

Make an interesting article
for Sports Illustrated.

Find out who started
all this patting on the ass business.

Yes, it would.
I never thought of it that way.

May I have a glass of water, please?

What you're saying is then that all you did
was to give this girl a pat on the behind.

Most natural thing in the world.
Part of our culture nowadays.

Like I do with Duncan.
Meaning, "On your way, old man..."

"paddle your own canoe,
get in there and pitch."

Paddle your own canoe, my foot.

Not interested in sports, Mrs. Fisher?

I don't find that very reprehensible,
do you, Miss Roberts...

friendly tap on the butt?

I have an appointment.
So, goodbye, Mr. Kotcher.

Yes. Goodbye, Miss Roberts.

I'll have to make out a report on this,
but I'll attend to it.

- Just one more thing.
- You name it, dear.

From now on, do me a favor
and stay out of the mothers' enclosure.

All right.

I had a peek at your quarterly sales report
this afternoon. Just great.

Very impressive growth factor.

This fella in charge of the Bakersfield,
Fresno district is a real humdinger.

First rate.

What I would do in your position,
the company used to use me the same way...

is to start moving this man around.

Doesn't make any difference
what the product is...

digital computers in your case,
hardware in mine.

The principle is the same.

Move your strong man
into your weaker positions.

Temporarily, of course.
Sort of a roving adviser.

Stir things up.
Keep your other salesmen on their toes.

Scares them a little.

Leave that. I'll tidy up and put him to bed
as soon as I finish my cigar.

Pop, look what we got here
starting at the Paris tonight.

Festival of Laurel and Hardy.

Hi, Erica.

You know, I'd like to go myself,
but we've got this damn party.

Maybe later in the week.

What do you like, I should know by now,
Coke or Pepsi?

- Dr. Pepper.
- Dr. Pepper?

Why don't you stroll down there
and have yourself a belly laugh?

I just might do that, Gerald.

Where did you get her?
You know anything about her?

- Who?
- The babysitter.

Through Charlotte Hunter, I think.
She needs the money, that's all I know.

Damned extravagance, that's all I know.

I know you're doing well financially,
and I'm proud of you.

I hate to see you throw your money around
when I'm available. That's all.

Look, enjoy yourself.

Erica, make yourself at home, you know.

Pop's having himself a night out
at the movies.

Stop it.

- Stop it. You'll wake Mr. Kotcher.
- Who?

Grandpa Kotcher.

- I thought you said he went to the cinema.
- I guess. Now stop it.

What if Mrs. Wortham springs a pop quiz?

You promised to help me
with that plot diagram.

Come on. Be more serious-minded.

There's supposed to be
a vertical plot and a horizontal plot.

What kind of rinky-dink all that?

I can't see where one leaves off
and the other begins.

This begins here, and this comes off here.

And I'm pretty big on the horizontal,
you take the vertical...

And I'll be in Scotland before you.

Stop it, Vinnie.

The baby.

There's a good boy.

What are you doing up?

What's the baby doing up?

- That's a good boy, Duncan.
- What are you doing in here?

Why do you have to check on him
every 10 minutes?

What's he going to do,
run away or something?

I told my mother I'd be home at 10:30.
It is 10:30.

You know, my mother gets these migraines.

See you tomorrow, then.

Hello, Gerald. I couldn't sleep.

I thought I'd make myself some cocoa.

My pills. He was taking my pills.

You go back to bed. We'll clean up.

I wouldn't take a...

I wouldn't take an additional sedation.
She shouldn't do that, Gerald.

She shouldn't take another tranquilizer.

She's had her Seconal tonight, hasn't she?

- Then you've been drinking at the party.
- Not much.

Gerald, listen to me for a moment.

I find myself...

Listen to me, please. I find myself...

in a very awkward position here.

Extremely awkward.

Why didn't you turn on the light?

Skewered on the horns
of an ugly dilemma.

On one hand, I find the role of informer
a highly repugnant one.

At the same time,
I must consider what is best for Duncan.

But it involves a moral judgment
I'm not prepared to make.

Now, the act of copulation in itself
isn't the factor it used to be.

I realize that young people
look at things differently.

The other thing is,
you know how I feel about Duncan.

I think I can look after him as well,
if not a damn sight better...

than any teenage mercenary...

quite apart from
all that humpity-jump on the sofa...

sandwiched in, so to speak,
between English Literature and Algebra.

Ticklish situation.

I do what I have to do.

I risk being accused of ulterior motives
of just wanting her out of the way.

You see that, don't you?

That's what it all boils down to, son.

What's that?

In other words, Gerald, I forget
that you only had one year of Latin.

Who shall keep the keepers themselves?

That is the question here.

I don't know the answer, son.
Tell me what to do. I need your help.

Tell me what to do.

Let's sleep on it, shall we, Pop?

All right, Gerald. Good enough.

Thank you for hearing me out.
I feel much better now.

God bless you, Gerald.

Sure you wouldn't like a cup of cocoa?

Joe.

Joe, we shouldn't.

Why not?

Joe, I can't.

What's the matter?

My hand's caught on the gear shift thing.

Gerald, just a minute.

Gerald, about last night. Our little talk.

You didn't say anything to Wilma, did you?

You can understand.
I was pretty upset last night.

I can't blow the whistle on this girl.
I can't do it under the circumstances.

I can't be the one to cast the first stone.
You get my meaning, don't you?

Not old Joe Kotcher. No, sir.

So, what do you say
we forget the whole thing, okay?

Okay, Pop. Anything you say.

Listen, Gerald,
you don't happen to remember our 1925...

Essex, do you? No, probably not.

It was a wonderful car.
Climbed Pike's Peak twice. Never boiled.

Hey, not on Wilma's plants.

- You in here, Gerald?
- Close the door.

Close the door.

You never know, the way he goes
spooking around the house all the time.

Yesterday he charged in on me
just as I was getting out of the shower.

He's getting nuttier by the minute,
among other things.

I know, old people are a big problem.
Nationally, it's a staggering problem...

but on the local level, I've just had it.

I know.

What about Erica? You gonna let her go?

Look here, Gerald.
We agreed not to involve Wilma.

That was highly confidential.

It's out of my hands.

Her brother is her guardian,
he talked it over with his wife...

and he decided
that the best thing for Erica...

was to make a complete break with
all her friends here and go off someplace.

In that case,
Pop can take over again for a while.

Not on your life.

Last time grandpa brought him back
from one of their excursions...

I smelled beer on Duncan's breath.

All he does is let him
suck the foam a little.

Half the time, I can't even find out
where they've been. Worries me sick.

One more thing like that park thing...

In all fairness, Wilma,
Pop didn't do anything wrong.

We established that.

You don't have to check
the refrigerator door 10 times a day...

because he leaves it open.

You don't use the back bathroom.
I don't have to...

but it's more convenient
when I'm doing the laundry.

I don't know how many times I've told him,
but he still does it.

He still leaves the seat up.

I'll speak to him about it.

I'll tell you something else.
Did you see the water bill last month?

We can afford it.

The point I'm making here...

Old people like to water. You ever notice
old people are always watering?

The point is, he must have
$15,000 or $20,000 in the bank.

I don't know how much money he's got.

So it's not as if he were destitute
or something like that.

The original idea
was on a temporary basis, wasn't it?

To see how he liked California.
Well, he likes it just fine.

He's been liking it fine
for a long time now.

It's not as if
he was mentally incompetent, either.

I wouldn't be too sure of that.

Whoever heard of anyone
feeding a baby pizza...

at 11:00 in the morning, with anchovies?

He's physically incompetent,
I'll tell you that.

Come on, Wilma,
he's in great shape for his age.

He's as strong as a horse.

Other people have
old relatives around who fix things.

Charlotte Hunter has an uncle, I think.

All he ever does is break things.

How can I just throw him out?

I just can't call up the vet and tell him
to come put him out of his misery.

Now, that's a sick thing to say.

What do you want me to do?

Just do something.
I'm at the end of my wick.

Your what?

Just do something, Gerry. Please.
Don't get technical with me.

I wasn't talking about a nursing home...

or anything like that...

but aren't there places?

He gets wind of anything like
that, oh, boy.

I'm sorry.

Gerald, you're a very hard man
to find these days.

I realize you have
other matters on your mind...

but I'm very much concerned
about young Erica.

I consider what you did
to be a breach of confidence.

Erica's just fine.

Her brother got her
a good job in San Bernardino.

- I understand she's leaving Saturday.
- Why?

- Why what?
- Leaving.

I don't see any basis for banishment
in one quick frolic on the sofa...

however ill-advised.

Banish anybody, I'd banish Romeo.

Boy gives me the creeps.

Still tied to his mother's apron strings,
on the one hand...

and he's jumping all over this girl...

while he's supposed to be
helping her with her homework.

Okay, Gerald.

We visiting somebody?

Not exactly.

Would you like to take a stretch, Pop?

Sure. Sure thing.

That's quite a layout they got here,
haven't they, Pop?

What do you think of it?

Pop, you know, Wilma and I...

we made a...

quiet survey, in-depth, this week...

of the kind of places available.

We find that this place...

it comes out head and shoulders
above anything in the way of a...

retirement village.

Looks like sort of
an old people's home to me, Gerald.

Older than God, most of them.

You know, you've got
your mother's eyes, Gerald?

Did you know that?
Have I ever told you that?

She was a wonderful woman.

I notice it at times like this.

She got a funny liquid thing
came into her eyes whenever she was...

confused or sad or anything like that.

I think I've got the picture now, Gerald.

Not an unusual thing.

Year, year and a half
after the baby's born...

mother goes to pieces, depression sets in.

Nerves, forget the scientific name for it,
severe paranoia sometimes, too.

I'm sorry to see it happen
in Wilma's case, son...

but c'est la vie.

She wants me out of the house,
all right, she wants me out of the house.

I'll leave until she's feeling better...

but this isn't quite
the kind of establishment I had in mind.

Pop, take a look at it like this.
Just relax.

I just thought you'd like
to take a look at this place.

It's deluxe all the way.
It's got private apartments and everything.

Take advantage of the
research I did for you.

Poke around while you're here,
and you see if it strikes your fancy.

All right. Fair enough. Might as well.

Let's have a look around while we're here.

If you don't like it, it's okay.

If you do, why don't we come back
one of these days?

We have a talk
with the manager, Mr. Weaver...

and we find out what he's got available.
How about that?

They make me so mad, I could spit.

Bulldozing all the bushes,
killing all the bees.

Ten years, there won't be enough bees
to pollinate anything.

- Good morning there, Mr. Kotcher?
- How do you do?

And Mr. Kotcher.
How you feeling today, young man?

Fit as a fiddle.

We've got everything here. My father
had a complete physical six months ago.

Good.

All of that's repetitious.
Ought to be simplified.

It'll save you a lot of time and money.

Lot of rigmarole just
to rent an apartment for three months.

Come on in. Let's see.
We decided on Suite 78.

Well, 78 will be available on Monday.

I never filled out
so many forms since the army.

4:00 a.m. They unloaded us
at Fort Bliss, November...

- cold enough to freeze...
- This is Dr. McKernan.

- How do you do?
- Dr. MD, or PhD?

Dr. McKernan's our resident psychologist
specializing in interpersonal relationships.

I'll turn you over to her now, Mr. Kotcher,
and she'll explain the program.

Most people find it a rather enjoyable
couple of hours taking these tests.

- I'll pick you up in an hour or so.
- Tests?

- Nobody said anything about any tests.
- Just part of our service.

Excuse me for a moment, please.

A new element has been added here.
I don't like the look of it at all.

I know what Wilma thinks of me,
but I discount that. She's not well.

Tell me, do you think your old man's
slipped his trolley?

Do you think
I belong in a laughing academy?

Pop, it is nothing like that.

You got the wrong idea.
This is a retirement setup. That's all.

It's a beautiful place. It's fun and games.
Kind of thing anybody would dream about.

We want to make you happy at Sunnydale.
That's the crux of it.

It helps us to have your compatibility
profile and motivational mechanics.

Then we can put you through the computer.

- Not me, you don't.
- So we can give you directional guidance...

- and integrate your recreational structure.
- Up your recreational structure.

Looks like a tree that's charred
with some snow around it.

Do you like Alice In Wonderland
by Lewis Carroll?

I wouldn't like it by anyone else.

Do you have any children
who must live with you?

No.

Please answer these
questions true or false.

In this world, if you don't
look out for yourself, no one else will.

False.

- I frequently give others a helping hand.
- True.

Did I say something wrong?

Time.

Duck.

Dog.

Nothing.

Trees.

Two cows.

Two cows.

An inexperienced spermatozoan,
about 15 years old...

asking directions
to the nearest fallopian tube.

Here's one to go on, Duncan.

You can say that again.

Goddamn son of a bitch!

That does it. What a mess from A to B.

Perhaps we can salvage something.

You ever want free national advertising
for anything...

just tell her in strictest confidence.

You just tell Candy.

"I want you to remember, dear.
Come to me with anything on your mind."

"Just like I was your mother
and not your sister-in-law."

"I want you to feel free."

And I fell into that.
And did Candy ever hustle me.

Did she ever.

Great. Half a semester
of creative ceramics shot to hell.

Perhaps we can fix it with some of that
wonderful white glue they have nowadays.

Serves her right!

She just won't get any Christmas present.
Why should I, anyway?

In one pink little ear
and right out to Peter.

Big brother knows
what's good for little sister.

Get on the hot line.

Tell Wilma the big news. Get me fired.

Shouldn't have said anything to Gerald.
Big mistake, once I thought it over.

I'd like to try and make amends
before I leave.

Took Peter 10 minutes to get
the glad tidings on Miss Seibert's desk.

Girls' counselor? Are you kidding?

Whole hour she had me in there
pussyfooting around the big point.

Back again today with all the returns
and Erica fixed up with that crummy job...

in San Bernadino pushing old hair around
with a broom in some beauty parlor.

Great for Peter.

Get yourself pregnant,
and wham-bang, off to San Berdoo.

Were you looking for me, Mr. Kotcher,
for any reason?

Yes. I...

You can help me schlep
some of this stuff home if you want to.

Schlep.

Thanks, Mr. Kotcher.

Just pile all of that on top.

What's that?

- A little something to send you on your way.
- You mean money?

Tell Wilma let's just forget it.

It's from me and Duncan.
Just a little token of our esteem.

Take it back.

Please take it back.

See you.

I wish you'd reconsider.

"Why" is a big word
around my house these days.

You know that, Mr. Kotcher?

Why? Why didn't you do or say
something when you missed?

I'm the world champion misser, that's why.

It's never come around on time yet.
How was I supposed to know I was?

I can't get that through to my brother.

He thinks he's very understanding.
He doesn't understand anything.

He says, "Well, now,
let's consider the practicalities."

"It's obviously too late
for a safe abortion."

Even if I had found out in time,
I wouldn't have.

Too many girls
are messed up for life from that.

How much money were you
going to give me, just for example?

I made it $40.
I thought that might compensate.

I'll tell you what, Mr. Kotcher.

Don't know how long I'll be able to work,
or how much I'll be making...

or getting from Peter.

They really whop you
for any decent maternity clothes.

So I'll take it, if you don't mind.

- My pleasure.
- But just as a temporary loan.

I'll send you an IOU.

Not necessary at all. I'll be away
for a while myself. Little business trip.

You got any use
for a good combination lock?

My pocket.

Thank you.

Joe.

There's cinder in my eye.

All right?

Trick or treat.

The grapes are in the kitchen
on the second refrigerator shelf.

Start on the dip.
I'll be there in a minute.

I'm in real trouble.
Everyone arrived earlier than I thought.

- Okay? Thanks.
- Okay.

- Trick or treat.
- Oh, my...

Gerald, come quick. Something's happened.

Hi, Pop.

- Hi, Wilma.
- Hi, everybody.

Hey, Pop!

My gosh.

Where did you come from?

You all right?

Just fine. Fine, Gerald.
Just thought I'd pop in.

Never would've recognized you,
not in a million years.

Absolutely marvelous.

How's old Dunc? How's my boy?

- Gerry, everyone's asking where you are.
- I'm coming.

Wilma some kind of a fish?

- A mermaid.
- Oh, striking. Very effective.

Just thought I'd drop in, son.
Found myself in this part of the world.

Postcards kept you abreast of things?
Didn't worry about me, did you?

Weren't worried?

I'm delighted to see you,
and I know Wilma is, too.

Crowd came in early, threw her timing off.

Just let me put in an appearance.

Go right ahead. I'll make myself scarce.
But listen, Gerald.

I find that things have
changed a bit around here.

My room, for example.
Where would you like me to hang out?

Just hang on a second. Hold the phone.

Pop, there's a letter for you. I opened
it by mistake. It's on the dresser.

Right. Thank you, Gerald.

Taxi's waiting.

I'll pick him up first
thing in the morning.

Hey, there, Dunc, old boy!

How are you, son? Where you off to?

Don't go away now.
We'll be bobbing for apples later.

We're off to Mrs. Pugh's house.

Mrs. Kotcher
did not want him overstimulated.

I see. I'm sorry, ma'am.

See you in the morning, Dunc.
I'll give you a full report.

God bless, old boy.
Brought you some presents from up North.

Went right up on the green,
made a u-turn and came back.

There's no other answer.
Must have been a trick ball.

How should I know where she went?
I don't know, and I don't care.

Permanently employed here,
I gave her the monthly rate.

She stays five days! Five days.

How much does she owe?
I'll inform my principals.

I didn't say she owed me anything.

I said she was a tramp.
I know a tramp when I see one.

- You her bill collector?
- Private investigator.

I believe a substantial sum of money
is coming to her. Quite a bagful.

I'll bet.

I'll give you a bagful.

Down at Helen's. Just ask Helen.

What happened was there was this big stink.

The way it is,
the public doesn't know about it much...

but you have to be a licensed operator
to touch the customers.

Helen tried to say Ricky told her she
was licensed to, and was giving shampoos.

Where did she go?

Palm Springs. That's all I know.
She told me she met this person...

that knew about this receptionist opening
at this shop in Palm Springs.

That's where she was going.

No address?

- Thank you very much.
- Say Sissy said hello if you find her.

Pardon me, Miss.

- I'm looking for a Miss Erica...
- Mr. Kotcher!

What in the world
are you doing in Palm Springs?

Dennis is Henri. Dennis is his real name.
Makes girls wear all this globberish.

Part of the image or something.

It's a drag.

Whoever comes into the shop...

is hopeless material to work with
in the first place.

One foot in the grave, and scared about
getting old, and taking it out on you.

Skol.

It's depressing when you think of it...

but I am not going to make it my
life's work. It's just a stop grasp.

I didn't tell Peter
what happened in San Berdoo.

I just said I was better in my situation...

where to send the checks for this doctor
I'm going to here, Dr. Caudillo.

He's simply adorable.

I asked Dr. Caudillo about the milk,
in case I wanted to nurse the baby.

But I certainly don't. Just asking.

He said I didn't have to.
Wouldn't do any good, he said.

He said, "Cows don't drink milk, do they?"

I don't quite understand.

Cows don't drink milk,
but they eat grass, and they produce milk.

He wants you to eat grass?

No. The cows eat the grass.

He just wants me to drink the milk
if I want to. I don't have to.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen...

welcome aboard
the Palm Springs aerial tramway.

We're traveling at a speed
of 1,600 feet a minute.

The valley station's
at an elevation of 2,643 feet.

The upper station: 8,516 feet.

Total distance: Two and a half miles.

We pass over five steel towers.

The tallest was the first.

It's 214 feet high.

It's the only tower with access by road.

The other four towers...

Do they check these things regularly?

I'm trying to recall where it was
that one of these contraptions broke loose.

Austria or someplace.

Jungfrau, perhaps 8 or 10 years ago.

I don't believe
they ever put their finger on the cause.

Overloaded, metal fatigue, or just what.

Are there any questions?

As I remember, they didn't even recover
all the bodies, did they?

What?

It was too deep down below.

They tried with helicopters,
but winds were too strong.

Regular blizzard.
Had to give up. Too dangerous.

Still there, I suppose.

The truth is, Mr. Kotcher,
this is my regular day off, all right.

I've been meaning to do this.
It's one of the things you do here.

They're all days off now.

I'll be showing too much any minute
to be dealing with the public, anyway.

The minute I got to my room,
there's Mrs. Yates, my landlady...

all primped for action.

All about how I was entitled to
the left-middle rack of the frost-free.

And she found my half a grapefruit
over on the vegetable bin.

I'll tell you, everything happens to me.

Vinnie and I only did it three times.

I know lots of girls who do it almost
all the time and nothing ever happens.

Well, that's baseball.

Erica, I find Palm Springs salubrious.

I've decided to stay a while.
I've moved out of the hotel...

and rented myself
a little house out in Cathedral City.

Concrete block, fine solid construction.

Warm in winter, cool in summer.

Marvelous location, right down the road
from Bob's Oasis bowling alley.

Why don't you just come out there
and live with me?

Keep house for me if you want to.

Little light housekeeping
whenever you're up to it.

You and the baby can stay there.
There's sure plenty of sand.

Sounds like
a wonderful proposition, Mr. Kotcher.

No.

"He travels fastest who travels alone."

"Turkey dinner."

"Gravy and dressing, mashed potatoes,
seasoned peas and carrots."

Yummy.

Say, what's going on here?

When did those people
stop using tinfoil for the inside wrapper?

Is that something new?
Some kind of an economy measure?

It doesn't even
sound like chocolate that way.

I used to save tinfoil
during the first war.

Turned it in to the government.
Can't remember what they did with it.

How about that? Isn't that a humdinger?

It's perfectly beautiful.

Merry Christmas Eve, Mr. Kotcher.

You shouldn't
leave your door open like that.

They always have
a lot of robberies around here...

at the height of the season.

I wanted to ask...

if your offer was still good,
I might take you up on it for a while.

Just had another fight with Mrs. Yates,
my landlady.

I could work off the money I owe you,
since I'm not doing anything right now.

Here's your Christmas-present sweater.
Watch out for the pins.

I couldn't finish it up
until I measured your arms.

I remembered what you said...

about just down the road
from the bowling alley.

You did it again.
You left the seat up again.

I was a lad, I served a term.

As office boy to an attorney's firm.

Polished the window
And I cleaned the floor.

Polished up the handle
on the big front door.

Polished up the handle so carefully.

Now I am the ruler... King's navy.

Polished up the handle so carefully.

That now I am the ruler of the...

Say, we did the right thing here.
Very good choice, I must say.

Desert gold. High degree of visibility.
Easy to see in the dark.

Never know when we want to reach Caudillo
at night.

- Taxi here?
- All set.

I don't want to keep him waiting.

Obstetricians are very busy
this time of the year for some reason.

He thinks, maybe, it has something to do
with when summer vacations are.

Who does this thing belong to?

No beauty, but she's sound as a dollar.

I looked over the market
and decided against a new car.

Big depreciation
the minute you turn the key.

Didn't see any sense to it.

What we need right now
is good, solid transportation.

Save us a fortune in taxis alone
next few months.

Anytime, day or night,
you want to get in for a ride...

you want to take a drive, a little soda,
you get right in. Hop right in.

I gave this a lot of thought...

and why I bought it
is because it has a clutch.

Nothing that should be said about
automatic transmission, it's fine.

I drove Gerald's once.
But lots can go wrong, too.

Going to be good
to get behind the wheel of a car again.

I drove up here this afternoon.

And I want to tell you, I drove
the Idlewild grade for about 10 minutes.

And the thing did nothing.

You've got a license to drive, Mr. Kotcher?

- I'll see you in three weeks.
- Thank you, Doctor.

- Nice to have met you, Mr. Kotcher.
- Right. Same here.

Goodbye, Dr. Caudillo.

- She's not getting too heavy, is she?
- No, she's fine.

- You just keep after her.
- Right.

My wife Vera
was a great believer in big salads.

- Worked just fine with our son Gerald.
- Be sure to take your vitamins, Erica.

Right you are.

Don't touch it. Macaroni hasn't dried yet.
That's going to be February.

I wasn't going to bother with February...

but then I had this idea
to make it Miss Seibert:

Girls' counselor, so-called.

Really need some modeling clay
to make the stomach fatter.

Well, its basic shape is there.
A very good foundation.

Every time I think of Miss Seibert:

"What about the father, dear?
Aren't you going to tell him, dear?"

I just stared at her,
and the next thing is: "Why not, dear?"

I told her why not.
I don't think she believed me.

I just told her he wasn't a person
I knew that well, that was why not.

You know what baffles old Miss Seibert?

Why girls know 10 times more already
than her grandmother ever did.

How a chromosome splits up and things.

Just don't bother to "protect themselves,"
as she puts it.

I've wondered about that myself.

"Surely you're aware
of the modern methods available to you..."

"aren't you, Erica, dear?"

I started to say,
"You don't know me very well."

"I'm not planning to make a career out
of it. Really work at it like that."

"I'm not that kind of girl."

I didn't, though.

How can you explain...

that you can't spend all your time
protecting yourself, as she calls it?

Makes it dirty and some kind of a
commitment, instead of just what happens.

It's an insulting idea.

Very original. Very well done.

I inherited this talent
for gooping things up from my mother.

When we had this place called the Pantry,
in Oceanside...

she was always gooping up the cakes.
She was real artistic.

The kind of customers we got
didn't appreciate it.

I've got half a notion
to take up where my parents left off.

Daddy's brakes gave out on the ridge route.

It was a four-car collision,
written up in the paper.

Wonder why I don't remember the funeral.

I do remember I wrote a poem about it,
but it wasn't any good.

Put too many horses in it.

"Riderless stallion
searching the lonely, trackless nights."

He kicked me.

Mr. Kotcher, he kicked me.
He just kicked me.

What do you know?

It was a big Buick, I think.
Daddy did a lot of work on it himself.

Our '29 Packard, that was a beauty.
Two-tone brown.

Came with silk window shades,
standard equipment.

Vera used to sit in the back
and pull them all down...

whenever she changed Gerald.
Never could see what difference that made.

Couldn't see what harm
it would do anybody...

to get a look at his pink little pecker
at 25 miles an hour.

But she pulled them all down anyway.

Vera wanted a girl to go with Gerald.

She said they were easier to
raise than boys, more tractable.

I was traveling with Munger's Hardware
and Metals out of Omaha at the time.

I guess we just put it off too long.

Pow.

What's the date?

The fourth.

Stuffy in here. Fire uses up the oxygen.

You don't hear the word "consumption"
much anymore, do you?

Gone out of fashion, I suppose.

Hello?

How about barbecued lamb chops
for supper?

Herzenstiel. H-E-R-Z-E-N-S-T-I-E-I.

Mrs. Erica Herzenstiel.

If I don't have a card filled out on her
she hasn't been admitted.

That doesn't necessarily follow.

My daughter-in-law Wilma
was taken directly to surgery...

for a cesarean section.
It was an emergency.

Her husband, Gerald,
was in no condition to fill anything out.

I did that myself later on.

This way, please.

Having a baby should be one of the most
rewarding experiences of your life.

And Desert Valley does everything possible
to make it so for you.

There are certain necessary rules, however,
regarding visiting hours and so on.

May I call your attention to the fact...

that children under 17
are not permitted in the maternity wing.

Now Nurse Berens will narrate our film.

With the next contraction
the actual delivery begins.

The doctor first assists the top
of the baby's head under the pubic bone.

Then he helps the face
gently over the perineum.

Now, rotating the head
a full half circle...

so that the higher shoulder
can be eased through the arch...

the other shoulder and arm follow.

When the chest is delivered the baby
takes its first independent breath...

and so commences to cry...

while the delivery
continues with great care.

Slowly and steadily.

At this point, the doctor
takes the baby's feet in his hand...

elevates them to complete
the necessary drainage of amniotic fluid.

The baby's lusty response is, of course,
an automatic beneficial response.

He is placed on the mother's abdomen.

The cord is clamped thus.

She feels not the slightest pain
when the cord is cut in this manner.

The baby is now on his own.
A new life has begun.

I'm curious about the frequent use here
of the word "womb"...

which is fundamentally a poetic expression,
as in "fruit of the womb"...

meaning children, of course.

And "the womb of time,"
whatever that means, and so on.

I find it interesting
that doctors prefer this term...

to the more precise
scientific designation "uterus."

I might as well tell you now, Mr. Kotcher.

Thanks for putting up
that fence for a playpen...

but I've got everything worked out
through Dr. Caudillo...

and these people he's known
for a real long time.

They've been waiting ages
on all kinds of lists and things.

They're going to take the baby, right away,
so I won't get used to it or anything.

They're older people, but they're
perfectly lovely, Dr. Caudillo says.

Pretty well fixed.

They're taking me to the racquet club
on Tuesday, so they must be.

- Don't bother to hang around here.
- No bother.

I didn't want to make
a production out of it.

I told Mrs. Ballinger I had to be
in Palm Springs shopping...

and I was meeting a girlfriend later.

Thanks for bringing me.

You do whatever you want to do,
and I'll take a taxi back.

Hi.

Very difficult at times
living with a pregnant woman.

You never know.

My granddaughter suddenly decided
she wants to have the baby adopted.

She's gone off tonight
to talk to some people about it.

She'll never do it, never in a million years.
Just a mood. That's the way they are.

My name's Kotcher.
I live in Cathedral City.

Wouldn't care to join me for a beer,
would you?

I know of a fine little inexpensive place
just around the corner.

"Simple..."

"assembly instructions for Nod-Away cribs."

"Step one:."

"Insert one-and-three-eighths
machine screws 'A'...

"through holes and posts
and engage threads...

"of threaded bushings 'B'...

"embedded in ends of stationary side 'C."'

Well...

"Insert..."

"one-and-three-eighths..."

"machine screws 'A'."

"Engage corners or swivel handles..."

"'E' of spring unit
into hooks of spring support brackets."

"Simple assembly instructions."

"Through holes and posts."

Schools were closed in Indio yesterday...

but this is the first
case of measles I've had.

You must have picked
yourself up a stray, Mr. Kotcher.

German or regular?

You just keep warm.

At this stage of the game,
we can't take any chances with Erica.

- I better go to a hotel.
- No, stay right where you are.

She's going to spend a few days
with the Ballingers.

I don't know where I can find
a practical nurse...

but I'm going to get
somebody over here soon...

to feed you and take care of you.
Now, stay in bed and keep warm.

- Take care of yourself, Mr. Kotcher.
- You, too, Erica.

Would you tell whomever
you're sending to stop at the drugstore...

and pick up a few tampico coronas?

- They're four for $1.
- Right.

Tampico coronas.

Measles aren't like asthma, are they?
Psychogenic, so to speak?

They wouldn't come from emotional
or mental trouble, would they?

No more than any other virus.

Hey, Joe.

Hello there, Pablo.

No mail today? No letters?

Say, do me a favor, will you?
Call Caudillo.

Ask him if he doesn't think I ought to be
stimulating the vital functions...

get a little ambulatory.

Coma. Make some hairs grow on the chest.

Pancho, somebody by the name of Kotcher
live here?

Yes.

I'm looking for my sister Ricky.

She's supposed to be working for him,
typing or something.

- He's some kind of a writer.
- Is he?

Yes, well...

You must be her brother Peter.

- Come in, Mr. Herzenstiel.
- Just Stiel.

S-T-I-E-I.

Where's Ricky?

She's off visiting some wealthy people
in Palm Springs at the moment.

Expecting a baby, you know.

She sent me these papers to sign.

I'm her guardian,
I have to approve what she does...

getting somebody to adopt it and all that.

And I had to come this way, so I thought...

Why don't you leave it with me.
She'll be here any day.

You'll see she gets it all right?

Yes, indeed. Guard it with my life, give it
to her personally, take it right over there.

I've got to make Banning by 1:00.
This isn't my territory, you know.

- I'm southwestern Cal, LA to TJ.
- Don't worry.

I'm a traveling man myself,
35 years, metals and hardwares.

Changed over to pharmacy in '29
just before the Crash.

I got to straighten out southeastern.
He doesn't know when to get tough.

Imagine letting any store claim breakage
on 10 dozen plushies!

Plushies don't break!
I mean, who do they think they're kidding?

Say, I wouldn't mind
handling a line like this myself.

My grandson, Duncan...

You expect a little damage
around Christmas, mostly plastics.

The little bastards,
they grab something off the shelf, and pow!

You know? Store claims container failure.

We know, they know.
We make it up on the next billing...

but I'm not about to let them get away
with 10 dozen plushies!

I'll tell Erica that you were here.

She sure will be sorry to miss you.

Goodbye!

Coches are gone for sure.
There's no doubt about that...

but where's Erica?

Fr�ulein Herzenstiel.

Almost due now,
according to my calculations.

Very worried about her. Difficult time
for women the last couple of weeks.

Get to do very peculiar things.
The damnedest sorts of things.

Los Angeles? Erica? What for?

How's that again?

Montana? Quelle Montana, madam?

"Dorothy darling, nature calls.
Gone to cabin to think."

"Took corvette, okay? Love, Ricky."

Yes, okay on the mapo.

And left.

Right. I go izquierda,
left at the gasolinaria.

Thank you very much.

Erica.

I just want to tell you...

that Caudillo's given me
a clean bill of health.

Got some stuff at the hardware store
and fumigated the house last night...

dusted off the welcome mat, so any time
you feel like coming home now...

Your brother stopped by with these papers
you wanted him to sign.

We had an interesting talk.

I don't see how a lot of girls can adopt
out their babies to just anybody, do you?

Somebody they don't even meet
or say hello.

This way, I'll be able to picture
how things are going if I want to.

How Dorothy and Phil
are getting along with Chris.

We all voted and decided on Chris
if it's a boy.

Christopher.

It's an intelligent name.

I can't recall knowing
any Christophers personally. Just in books.

Couldn't have been luckier for me
how it worked out, when you think of it.

Now I know what wonderful people
Dorothy and Phil are...

how it happened on
account of your measles.

- You did me a big favor.
- Don't mention it.

It's just something
I was thinking about in general.

You want to go for a hike?

I should have gone to New York
or one of those places...

where they just do it now and
get it over with.

This is becoming a drag.
I don't even have a decent education yet.

Say, what have you had to eat today?

I stopped by the Italian delicatessen
on the way over...

and picked up some goodies.

What do you say we have a little picnic?
How about that?

Maybe we better start getting back. I'd
like to be out of here before it gets dark.

I want to go lie down for a while.

- Mr. Kotcher!
- What?

Mr. Kotcher, I don't feel very well.

- Maybe you better take me to the hospital.
- Right.

I'm not going too fast, am I?

Be careful right about here, Mr. Kotcher.
I slipped this morning.

- You fell?
- Just a little.

I slipped and sat down kind of hard,
that's all.

Maybe that started something happening,
do you think?

I'll phone Caudillo
first place I find open.

You better start timing those.

Here, railroad watch.

My uncle Frank gave it to me
the year I gradated from M.U.

With the sweep hand and the numbers...

you can time the speed
of a train right down to a cat's whisker.

All you have to do is watch the mileposts.

I'm afraid.

From Idlewild to the Springs, they tell me,
this road drops 5,000 feet in 15 miles.

Makes your ears pop.
I should have brought some gum.

They're coming closer together now,
Mr. Kotcher.

I think...

- Is this all it's got? Can't you go any faster?
- Starts to shimmy.

Had a Hudson did the same thing
just at a certain speed.

Never could get it fixed.

It couldn't have been the Hudson.
Didn't have it when Gerald was born.

Where are we now?

I'm not quite sure. Things look
different, differently in the dark.

There we are.

What's the interval now?

There isn't any. It's just all together.

I'll call Caudillo. You sit tight.

You better take me to the ladies' room
while we're here.

I'll find out where it is.

Ladies' room?

Hurry!

"Ask attendant for key."

I'll be right back.

The key to the ladies' room!

Right by the door.

Got it.

When you gotta go, you gotta go!

Help.

- I'll call Caudillo. I'll go get some help.
- No!

No, it's too late, Mr. Kotcher.

It's happening. It's happening now.
I think I'm going to die!

Hot water. Have to have some hot water.

Hurry! Help me!

Hurry! Help me, Mr. Kotcher.

Do something!

I forget. What am I supposed to do,
bear down or what?

I think so. Bear down.

Look at this! It's a girl.

No, it's a boy. Look at that.

You're supposed to put
him on my stomach now.

I know that.
Wait till I drain him, damn it.

Isn't he cute?

Hasn't he got too much skin?

No. They all come that way.
It's the way they come.

This is not supposed to hurt.
You won't feel anything.

Thank you very much. Bye.

Thank you.

The stupidest thing
I've done in my whole life:

Having a baby in a filling station.

Everything okay, Doctor?

Yes. Surprisingly so.

I wasn't sure what to do
about the rest of the cord.

- I didn't cut it too short, did I?
- No. Just right. Fine job.

Thanks very much, Doctor.

I imagine
that you've given her a little something?

- Put her under sedation?
- Yes, I did, as a matter of fact.

Good idea, Doctor. Have a cigar.

- All right to go in?
- Of course.

No, wait a minute, Vinnie.

I read this crazy story in the I.A. Times
about this girl who got pregnant.

Anyway, she told the guy, and he crashed.

Dropped out.

She had it later, of
course, at this place...

and the first thing she did was telephone,
tell him.

Anyway, you know what?

He brought some flowers.
He came around there, married her.

They even finished high school.
I thought it was kind of sweet.

Listen, you want to run down
next weekend or not?

No big fat reason. We could catch up.

Hold on.

Hey, you, now.

I was just talking to somebody.

I'm still doing a little babysitting.

Only it's on a different basis now.

Listen, Vinnie, there's something
I want to talk to you about.

An idea I had about us.

I can't do much in that line right now.
I just can't!

I'd like to see you anyway.

Something to show you.

So save your money!

I don't think my proposition
would interest you anyway.

On second thought,
it doesn't interest me much, either!

Junior up for a midnight snack?

- Fix you anything?
- No.

The first years are most interesting,
you know.

Takes them that time
to get all their equipment...

develop their nervous system.

You'll get a big kick out of it.

Good night.

You had us pretty worried, you know...

just dropping out of sight like that.

We didn't even know where to start.

You could have sent us a postcard.

Now, that is the least thing
you could have done.

I should have done that.

But I didn't want you to worry.
I was pretty busy with one thing and...

We didn't even know
where to start looking for you.

Do you know the Bureau
of Missing Persons...

isn't even listed in the phone book?
I thought it came under the FBI.

Anyway, by accident...

Wilma ran into Erica's sister-in-law
at the supermarket yesterday...

and she mentioned that Erica had
come back with the baby and all that.

- Who's that?
- Erica's sister-in-law!

So we put two and two together.

It's the last place in the world
we figured to find you.

- You take cream, Gerald?
- You know I don't, Pop.

Yes.

- Wilma?
- No, Pop.

They tell me this immediate area
has more millionaires per capita...

than just about anywhere in the world.

Boy, that was a really tasty
meat loaf you made, Pop.

That was really good meat loaf,
wasn't it, Wilma?

A friend of mine, he gave me the recipe.
Old Mexican recipe.

Yes, sir.

I found it pretty expensive
shopping here at first...

but after I got to know my way around...

Pop, there's something I want to say.

I've been thinking back
about a lot of things...

and I realize I was upset
about a lot of things...

that weren't, well,
that aren't very important.

That's pretty natural.

Perfectly natural, Wilma.
Everybody's got his ups and downs.

It's a big job running a house
and raising a family.

Yes, I guess,
but I'm just not going to be...

as compulsive as I was about things.

I've given up sewing as a hobby.

What Wilma means, Pop...

- is that your room is available again.
- Your bed is back.

It looks like it's going to be a hot summer
so there'll be plenty of watering.

What we're saying is
whenever you get tired of the desert...

We miss you, Pop.

We really do.

Thanks very much. I appreciate that.

I really appreciate that, Wilma.

But, you know, as a matter of fact,
I'm thinking of buying this house.

Going to have a word
with the old lady who owns it.

She's getting along,
and it's a very nice little place.

And I imagine that you and Dunc
will want to come down...

get out of the smog for a few days.

I'll be popping up to LA for Christmas,
Thanksgiving, and assorted days.

Then Erica and the boy will be wanting
to come down here for weekends.

Had an interesting
proposition from a fella.

Wants me to run
his household and hardware store...

on Palm Canyon Drive,
right next to a date and nut shop.

Think I might take him up on it.

Thanks very much, I appreciate it, really.

But I think I'll stay put for a while.

Climate suits me fine.

Dear Chris, the only reason
I am writing this letter...

is so that if you ever go poking
into who you are...

you'll find this message from your mother.

I would like to keep you,
but there is just no possible way.

I probably shouldn't,
but I've got this crazy urge to tell you...

that even if I did give you away...

I liked you a lot.

I don't think it's right
to say I loved you.

People are funny about that word
and what it means.

So, I'm not sure,
but I loved holding you and touching you.

You owed a lot,
speaking in prenatal terms, that is...

to a certain man, a Mr. Kotcher by name.

Although that isn't important,
because he was pretty old already...

and I think he'll die pretty soon...

before you would be big enough
to even know him, really...

if you know what I mean.

So I don't know why
I'm bringing it up now, Chris...

except Mr. Kotcher,
this man, was swell to us.

He was an awful pain in the ass
the way a lot of the time old people are...

but he was really swell.

I guess he was lonely.

And the way I figure it,
he was old and ending...

and kids and babies
were new and just beginning.

The one thing he didn't do,
I wished he'd do...

maybe he was afraid
I'd get the wrong impression...

was to sometimes...

touch me.

Just once in a while, the way a man does.

Take hold of you and make you feel good.

Like my brother, uptight old Peter,
never did.

Well, I guess
you get the picture of Mr. Kotcher.

P. S: You might just like to know this...

he sort of delivered you,
which is the technical expression...

for helping when you're born.

I won't go into all this,
it's pretty complicated why...

but I must say that for not being a doctor,
and all thumbs otherwise...

old Mr. Kotcher
did quite a job in the emergency.

Absent a few marbles, maybe...

but conditions being more favorable...

he'd have made you
one hell of a grandfather.

Kotch! You had supper?

Let's go do something someplace!
Go have a couple of beers, maybe.

- How's that again?
- Raise a little hell!

Ein moment!

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