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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
00:01:23,834 --> 00:01:25,500
Ah!
2
00:01:25,534 --> 00:01:28,934
The ever-lilting fragrance
of"Eau deBring 'Em All On."
3
00:01:30,834 --> 00:01:33,667
Must be Friday, Kel,
'cause if it was Saturday,
4
00:01:33,701 --> 00:01:35,900
it would be
"Essence de Free Clinique."
5
00:01:38,801 --> 00:01:40,533
Gee, Bud, it's date night.
6
00:01:40,567 --> 00:01:43,433
Shouldn't you be upstairs
practicing your French kissing
7
00:01:43,467 --> 00:01:46,001
on your stuffed
Ninja Turtle doll?
8
00:01:46,601 --> 00:01:48,033
Saying...
9
00:01:48,067 --> 00:01:51,234
"Oh, Donatello,
your shell is so soft."
10
00:01:53,267 --> 00:01:55,667
Aren't we testy?
11
00:01:55,701 --> 00:01:56,700
Ah.
12
00:01:56,734 --> 00:01:58,733
Could it be that, uh,
your date isn't
13
00:01:58,767 --> 00:02:00,533
the only thing
that's late?
14
00:02:03,968 --> 00:02:06,034
He'll be here.
15
00:02:06,701 --> 00:02:08,400
I've had guys crawling
on their bellies
16
00:02:08,434 --> 00:02:11,500
out of flaming auto wrecks
to go out with me.
17
00:02:13,334 --> 00:02:14,834
Kelly...
18
00:02:14,868 --> 00:02:18,099
...you might as well hear it
from someone who loves you.
19
00:02:18,133 --> 00:02:19,867
You're hagged out.
20
00:02:21,934 --> 00:02:23,600
Finished. Over.
21
00:02:23,634 --> 00:02:26,700
But keep
your chins up, Kel.
22
00:02:27,534 --> 00:02:29,533
Plenty of guys
will still call you.
23
00:02:29,567 --> 00:02:32,201
They'll just call you,
"Hey, waitress."
24
00:02:32,734 --> 00:02:34,401
"Hey, you
with the broom."
25
00:02:34,901 --> 00:02:37,166
"Hey, thief."
26
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:40,001
Oh, save it,
zit-tac-toe.
27
00:02:40,767 --> 00:02:42,333
Your words
fall off me
28
00:02:42,367 --> 00:02:44,600
like water off
a duck's quack.
29
00:02:45,567 --> 00:02:48,133
Now, there is nothing wrong
with a guy being a little late.
30
00:02:48,167 --> 00:02:50,001
Doesn't mean anything.
31
00:02:50,534 --> 00:02:52,333
Kelly, you're home.
32
00:02:52,367 --> 00:02:54,099
Oh, my God.
33
00:02:54,133 --> 00:02:55,999
You've been stood up.
34
00:02:56,033 --> 00:02:57,366
Oh.
35
00:02:57,400 --> 00:02:59,667
My poor baby.
36
00:02:59,701 --> 00:03:01,033
I'll tell you what.
37
00:03:01,067 --> 00:03:03,900
We'll get some Ovaltine,
watch the Home Shopping Network,
38
00:03:03,934 --> 00:03:05,734
and I'll order you
a Clapper.
39
00:03:09,834 --> 00:03:11,900
Hi, Al.
40
00:03:16,334 --> 00:03:18,999
Honey, Kelly's been stood up.
41
00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:21,401
Must bring back memories
for you, huh, Peg?
42
00:03:24,033 --> 00:03:28,033
Anyway, I was driving home--
God knows why
43
00:03:28,067 --> 00:03:30,400
-- and hear this old song on
the radio that I used to love,
44
00:03:30,434 --> 00:03:31,667
but I can't remember the name.
45
00:03:31,701 --> 00:03:33,733
Now, why is it whenever
a song comes on the radio,
46
00:03:33,767 --> 00:03:35,433
and you're waiting
to hear them name it,
47
00:03:35,467 --> 00:03:37,767
it's always number six
of 40 in a row?
48
00:03:37,801 --> 00:03:39,700
Well, stick
with it, honey.
49
00:03:39,734 --> 00:03:41,467
You figured out how
to flush the toilet,
50
00:03:41,501 --> 00:03:43,567
you'll figure
this one out.
51
00:03:43,601 --> 00:03:45,400
This is a burning question
of our time,
52
00:03:45,434 --> 00:03:47,266
and I will not have it
trivialized by a woman
53
00:03:47,300 --> 00:03:50,533
who thinks the TV show
Hunter is engrossing.
54
00:03:51,634 --> 00:03:53,033
Anyhow, the DJ
finally comes on,
55
00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:55,500
and instead of telling me
the name of my song...
56
00:03:55,534 --> 00:03:58,600
he goes on and on about some
massive pile-up on the freeway.
57
00:03:58,634 --> 00:04:01,134
"Twelve dead, 12 dead."
58
00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:04,467
Then he kicks off
about 500 in a row
59
00:04:04,501 --> 00:04:08,266
with Bobby Goldsboro's musical
sphincter lock known as"Honey."
60
00:04:08,300 --> 00:04:12,767
Oh, God.
61
00:04:12,801 --> 00:04:15,200
This is what it's like being
home on a Friday night?
62
00:04:15,234 --> 00:04:17,200
Bud, Bud.
Come here.
63
00:04:17,234 --> 00:04:18,700
Now, listen to this
very carefully
64
00:04:18,734 --> 00:04:20,800
and tell me the name
of the song.
65
00:04:22,300 --> 00:04:24,234
♪ Hm-hm-him ♪
66
00:04:29,067 --> 00:04:31,133
I don't know what it is, Dad,
but if you get the name,
67
00:04:31,167 --> 00:04:34,433
me and the gang would
sure like to boogie to it.
68
00:04:34,467 --> 00:04:35,533
Get out of
my way.
69
00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:37,166
Peg.
70
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:39,533
Peg, you're old.
You know it.
71
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:43,700
♪ Hm-hm-him ♪
72
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,067
Clip your nose
hairs, Al.
73
00:04:48,767 --> 00:04:49,733
When you were
humming,
74
00:04:49,767 --> 00:04:50,834
it looked like
a squid
75
00:04:50,868 --> 00:04:53,533
was trying to reach out
and grab the kids.
76
00:04:56,367 --> 00:04:57,667
Gee, none of my,
uh--
77
00:04:57,701 --> 00:05:00,733
None of my family was
any help to me. How unusual.
78
00:05:00,767 --> 00:05:03,033
Al, must we be
the spit bucket
79
00:05:03,067 --> 00:05:04,667
in the early-round
knockout
80
00:05:04,701 --> 00:05:06,600
that is
your life?
81
00:05:06,634 --> 00:05:09,633
As usual, you need
professional help.
82
00:05:09,667 --> 00:05:14,767
So why don't you just call
the oldies station, K-Fossil...
83
00:05:14,801 --> 00:05:16,266
and ask the DJ?
84
00:05:16,300 --> 00:05:17,834
I already called.
85
00:05:17,868 --> 00:05:19,999
I got Rick Cool
himself.
86
00:05:20,033 --> 00:05:21,333
Gee, Rick Cool,
huh?
87
00:05:21,367 --> 00:05:23,967
Did Bobby 23 Skiddoo
quit?
88
00:05:26,267 --> 00:05:27,867
Al, the suspense
is boring us.
89
00:05:27,901 --> 00:05:29,166
Tell us
what he said.
90
00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:30,500
He said:
91
00:05:30,534 --> 00:05:32,667
"The colors. The colors.
92
00:05:32,701 --> 00:05:34,800
Has anybody seen
my good friend John?"
93
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:37,267
And he lit up a banana.
And then he hung up.
94
00:05:39,434 --> 00:05:41,700
♪ Hm-hm-him ♪
95
00:05:43,234 --> 00:05:45,333
Damn! Right on the tip
of my tongue.
96
00:05:45,367 --> 00:05:47,567
Well, then it doesn't
have long to live.
97
00:05:50,067 --> 00:05:52,633
I must have that song.
98
00:05:52,667 --> 00:05:54,800
Maybe it's on the B-side
of a record I already have.
99
00:05:54,834 --> 00:05:56,300
Peg, where's
my record collection
100
00:05:56,334 --> 00:05:57,999
that I spent
my entire youth building?
101
00:05:58,033 --> 00:06:00,200
Well, they were
cluttering up your closet,
102
00:06:00,234 --> 00:06:03,134
so I moved them downstairs
next to the furnace.
103
00:06:06,234 --> 00:06:07,667
Good thinking.
104
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:10,667
Because nothing brings out
the luster of original records
105
00:06:10,701 --> 00:06:14,267
better than intense,
searing heat.
106
00:06:15,033 --> 00:06:19,201
Lousy, redheaded,
life-sucking mosquito.
107
00:06:25,167 --> 00:06:27,533
That's my date,
tell him I am not home.
108
00:06:28,234 --> 00:06:29,900
Why don't you
tell him?
109
00:06:32,300 --> 00:06:34,101
Good idea.
110
00:06:37,334 --> 00:06:38,633
I am not home.
111
00:06:38,667 --> 00:06:41,767
Oh. Then is it okay
if I wait?
112
00:06:46,501 --> 00:06:48,067
Mom.
113
00:06:48,868 --> 00:06:51,934
If my "mixed-up at the hospital"
theory is correct...
114
00:06:51,968 --> 00:06:54,700
I'd say we just found
Kelly's natural brother.
115
00:06:56,534 --> 00:06:58,834
So just where were you
116
00:06:58,868 --> 00:07:01,400
while I was wasting
my life away with my family?
117
00:07:01,434 --> 00:07:04,600
Well, I wanted to
get you something nice.
118
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,867
Garfield Spoils the Picnic.
119
00:07:10,934 --> 00:07:13,033
That crazy cat gets
into everything,
120
00:07:13,067 --> 00:07:15,734
from the potato salad
to the sack races.
121
00:07:20,501 --> 00:07:23,101
No boy's ever brought me
literature before.
122
00:07:25,267 --> 00:07:29,600
"Say it with words."
123
00:07:33,634 --> 00:07:34,999
I just have to
get my bag.
124
00:07:35,033 --> 00:07:36,300
Oh, by the way,
125
00:07:36,334 --> 00:07:37,567
this is my mom
126
00:07:37,601 --> 00:07:40,700
and, uh...the troll
that lives under our house.
127
00:07:42,901 --> 00:07:44,800
Well, it's nice
to meet you.
128
00:07:44,834 --> 00:07:46,533
And, uh...
129
00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:48,934
Excuse me, sir,
I was just wondering...
130
00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:51,167
Doesn't it get lonely
under the house?
131
00:07:52,767 --> 00:07:54,600
Um...
132
00:07:58,067 --> 00:08:00,900
Not when you have
a bell and a hat.
133
00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:09,166
Hi. I'm Peggy. And I know
what you're thinking.
134
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:11,533
How could a woman barely
out of high school herself
135
00:08:11,567 --> 00:08:14,900
possibly be the mother
to a teenage daughter? Heh-heh.
136
00:08:14,934 --> 00:08:16,633
Actually, I was
wondering if
137
00:08:16,667 --> 00:08:18,834
we had trolls
under my building.
138
00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:23,166
I mean,
sometimes I hear noises.
139
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:27,001
My dad says it's the pipes,
but now I wonder.
140
00:08:32,133 --> 00:08:33,266
Look.
141
00:08:33,300 --> 00:08:34,633
I am not a troll.
142
00:08:34,667 --> 00:08:36,767
I'm a boy, you idiot.
143
00:08:48,667 --> 00:08:50,600
Well, I-- I just
"poured" through
144
00:08:50,634 --> 00:08:52,967
my record collection,
literally.
145
00:08:56,868 --> 00:08:58,734
Uh, hi, Mr. Bundy.
146
00:08:59,734 --> 00:09:00,767
Vinnie.
147
00:09:00,801 --> 00:09:02,500
Vinnie Verducci,
Charlie's boy.
148
00:09:02,534 --> 00:09:03,834
Peg, you remember
Charlie.
149
00:09:03,868 --> 00:09:05,400
Charlie. You met him
at our wedding.
150
00:09:05,434 --> 00:09:08,201
Oh, yes. A lovely man.
151
00:09:08,501 --> 00:09:09,934
When you see your father,
152
00:09:09,968 --> 00:09:13,067
ask him if he's done with
my mother's cigarette lighter.
153
00:09:13,868 --> 00:09:17,099
You know, in defense of your
father, she was bending over.
154
00:09:17,133 --> 00:09:19,500
He might have thought that,
you know, someone had left it
155
00:09:19,534 --> 00:09:21,468
in the folds of a couch.
156
00:09:26,434 --> 00:09:28,600
Bud, you oughta start
hanging around with this guy.
157
00:09:28,634 --> 00:09:31,067
The girls can't keep
their hands off him.
158
00:09:31,567 --> 00:09:32,533
What brings you here?
159
00:09:32,567 --> 00:09:34,101
He's taking Kelly out.
160
00:09:34,834 --> 00:09:38,067
Touch her, and I'll hang
you with your own colon.
161
00:09:39,634 --> 00:09:41,400
Hey, Kel, come here.
162
00:09:41,434 --> 00:09:44,201
Five bucks says this guy
won't even touch you.
163
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:46,433
You're on.
164
00:09:46,467 --> 00:09:50,267
No guy has ever gone out
with me and not touched me.
165
00:09:51,534 --> 00:09:53,134
Vinnie, I'm ready.
166
00:10:01,067 --> 00:10:03,900
♪ Hm-hm-him ♪
167
00:10:05,868 --> 00:10:08,101
♪ Hm-hm-him ♪
168
00:10:08,767 --> 00:10:11,333
Well, honey, we're
finally alone. Heh.
169
00:10:11,367 --> 00:10:12,767
I know what would
take your mind
170
00:10:12,801 --> 00:10:14,166
off that record
for a minute.
171
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:16,834
You could make love
to me four times.
172
00:10:17,968 --> 00:10:20,433
Peg, when I said
I was after an oldie,
173
00:10:20,467 --> 00:10:22,500
I meant, "but a goody."
174
00:10:27,534 --> 00:10:29,400
Now, surely there must be
someone around here
175
00:10:29,434 --> 00:10:30,667
old enough to know
that song.
176
00:10:30,701 --> 00:10:32,934
Hi, Peggy.
Hi.
177
00:10:32,968 --> 00:10:35,567
Listen, Jefferson and I are
thinking of going to the movies.
178
00:10:35,601 --> 00:10:38,101
Well, I don't think
we can go with you.
179
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,301
Well, we didn't want you
to come with us.
180
00:10:41,968 --> 00:10:43,433
But we need to know
what's playing,
181
00:10:43,467 --> 00:10:45,733
and Al stole our paper again.
182
00:10:45,767 --> 00:10:47,233
How'd you know
it's me?
183
00:10:47,267 --> 00:10:50,567
We found one of your straws
in our Sparkletts bottle.
184
00:10:51,167 --> 00:10:52,800
Hey, listen,
while you're here...
185
00:10:52,834 --> 00:10:55,400
Let me-- Let me ask you
a question. Um...
186
00:10:55,434 --> 00:10:57,934
See if you can--
See if you can name this song.
187
00:10:58,567 --> 00:11:00,600
♪ Hm-hm-him ♪
188
00:11:00,634 --> 00:11:01,633
You know,
when he hums,
189
00:11:01,667 --> 00:11:04,333
the hair in his ears
moves in and out
190
00:11:04,367 --> 00:11:06,999
like a child's
party favor.
191
00:11:07,033 --> 00:11:09,400
Oh, yeah, and the-- And the nose
hairs, they sort of spread
192
00:11:09,434 --> 00:11:11,134
like a geisha-girl fan.
193
00:11:11,934 --> 00:11:15,734
That's right. Keep dancing
on the minefield.
194
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:19,200
Now, concentrate.
195
00:11:19,234 --> 00:11:22,067
♪ Hm-hm-him ♪
196
00:11:22,501 --> 00:11:24,468
"Itsy Bitsy Spider"?
No.
197
00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:26,800
"Go Tell Pharaoh."
No!
198
00:11:26,834 --> 00:11:27,800
Come on.
199
00:11:27,834 --> 00:11:29,266
This is a song
from my youth.
200
00:11:29,300 --> 00:11:31,301
"Look, It's a Wheel"?
201
00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:36,133
Peg, honey,
202
00:11:36,167 --> 00:11:39,066
before we're all
knee-deep in your blood,
203
00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:41,200
um, why don't you go
over by the radio
204
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:42,999
and listen to see
if they play my song.
205
00:11:43,033 --> 00:11:44,600
You are just determined
206
00:11:44,634 --> 00:11:47,667
to win that Nobel "Putz" Prize
this year, aren't you, honey?
207
00:11:49,300 --> 00:11:51,200
Listen, I have
the perfect plan
208
00:11:51,234 --> 00:11:52,567
to figure
this whole thing out.
209
00:11:52,601 --> 00:11:55,033
Now, what we'll do is,
we'll just sit here,
210
00:11:55,067 --> 00:11:57,533
and we'll name every song that
was ever made until we get it.
211
00:11:57,567 --> 00:11:58,567
Now, I'll start.
212
00:11:58,601 --> 00:11:59,900
"Mandy."
213
00:11:59,934 --> 00:12:02,400
Uh... "Dem bones,
dem bones, dem-- "
214
00:12:02,434 --> 00:12:03,966
Oh, shut up.
215
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:07,834
I told you never
to play with this man.
216
00:12:07,868 --> 00:12:09,467
Now, give it up, Al.
217
00:12:09,501 --> 00:12:11,934
I'm sure there is
no such song.
218
00:12:11,968 --> 00:12:15,066
It's probably
a shoe hallucination.
219
00:12:15,100 --> 00:12:17,867
I mean, your face is
in feet all day long,
220
00:12:17,901 --> 00:12:19,667
something's
gotta give.
221
00:12:20,634 --> 00:12:23,633
Why not something fragile,
like your mind?
222
00:12:23,667 --> 00:12:25,934
It is a song.
Rick Cool played it.
223
00:12:25,968 --> 00:12:26,934
I heard it.
224
00:12:26,968 --> 00:12:28,366
And I will find it
or die trying.
225
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:30,233
Peg, have they played
the song yet?
226
00:12:30,267 --> 00:12:31,667
Shh!
227
00:12:31,701 --> 00:12:34,500
Our next call on Why Me?
228
00:12:34,534 --> 00:12:36,533
comes once again
from Peggy B.,
229
00:12:36,567 --> 00:12:38,800
calling from
the Bundy household.
230
00:12:38,834 --> 00:12:42,066
You're on, Peggy.
What's Al done this time?
231
00:12:42,100 --> 00:12:43,767
Well, he heard a song,
232
00:12:43,801 --> 00:12:45,333
and he can't remember
the name of it,
233
00:12:45,367 --> 00:12:47,300
so he's holding me
and the neighbors hostage.
234
00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:48,300
Help us!
235
00:12:48,334 --> 00:12:51,301
Help us! He's mad,
I tell you! Mad--
236
00:13:00,634 --> 00:13:02,433
Mad, am I?
237
00:13:02,467 --> 00:13:05,800
I'm not doing anything
any rational man wouldn't do.
238
00:13:05,834 --> 00:13:08,133
Now, you get that oldies
station back on,
239
00:13:08,167 --> 00:13:09,667
or the walls will be
your tombs.
240
00:13:09,701 --> 00:13:11,368
All of you!
241
00:13:13,934 --> 00:13:15,333
Oh, come on, Al.
242
00:13:15,367 --> 00:13:17,934
The chances of them playing
that song are a million-to-one--
243
00:13:17,968 --> 00:13:19,200
* Go with him *
244
00:13:19,234 --> 00:13:20,834
"Go With Him!"
245
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:22,633
"Go With Him!"
246
00:13:24,234 --> 00:13:25,467
"Go With Him."
"Go With Him."
247
00:13:25,501 --> 00:13:27,133
That must be
the name of my song.
248
00:13:27,167 --> 00:13:29,133
Groovy song, wasn't it?
249
00:13:29,167 --> 00:13:31,233
You know, a lot of people think
the name of that song
250
00:13:31,267 --> 00:13:32,333
is "Go With Him,"
251
00:13:32,367 --> 00:13:33,967
but it's not!
252
00:13:34,834 --> 00:13:36,533
What is it?
What is it?
253
00:13:36,567 --> 00:13:40,567
Well, here's our third song
of 5000 in a row.
254
00:13:40,601 --> 00:13:42,200
We're going for
the world's record:
255
00:13:42,234 --> 00:13:44,366
two full years
of uninterrupted music.
256
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:45,934
This is Rick Cool,
the fifth Monkee,
257
00:13:45,968 --> 00:13:48,033
heading home to his depressing
studio apartment
258
00:13:48,067 --> 00:13:50,533
on the po' side of town.
259
00:13:50,567 --> 00:13:52,700
* He's Rick Cool *
260
00:13:52,734 --> 00:13:55,900
* For the middle-aged *
261
00:14:04,701 --> 00:14:07,667
Hey, look, Garfield got
his whiskers full of mayonnaise.
262
00:14:08,167 --> 00:14:10,767
Uh-oh.
Here come the ants.
263
00:14:12,634 --> 00:14:13,934
Oh, enough.
264
00:14:13,968 --> 00:14:15,834
I want to talk to you.
265
00:14:15,868 --> 00:14:17,366
Oh, look.
266
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:20,034
The ants are carrying off
the "la-sag-nee."
267
00:14:30,534 --> 00:14:32,533
Oh, grab her.
268
00:14:32,567 --> 00:14:34,767
You've got worse
beatings for less.
269
00:14:39,234 --> 00:14:40,934
What are you
looking at me for?
270
00:14:40,968 --> 00:14:42,033
If I wasn't
so tiny,
271
00:14:42,067 --> 00:14:44,301
I'd be wild-thinging her
myself.
272
00:14:45,567 --> 00:14:47,300
You really think so?
273
00:14:47,334 --> 00:14:49,066
Go. Go. Go. Go.
274
00:14:49,100 --> 00:14:50,633
Go. Go. Go.
275
00:14:50,667 --> 00:14:52,633
Go. Go. Go.
276
00:15:05,767 --> 00:15:07,834
Oh, I hate
my life.
277
00:15:09,234 --> 00:15:10,400
Can't eat, can't sleep,
278
00:15:10,434 --> 00:15:13,267
can't bury the wife
in the back yard.
279
00:15:16,133 --> 00:15:18,934
I'm beside myself
with depression.
280
00:15:19,434 --> 00:15:20,999
Did you ever have anything
281
00:15:21,033 --> 00:15:22,700
you were so close to,
282
00:15:22,734 --> 00:15:25,166
it was literally
on the tip of your tongue,
283
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:27,166
but you just couldn't
quite get it?
284
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,101
Yes.
Yes.
285
00:15:30,634 --> 00:15:32,700
Al. Honey.
286
00:15:32,734 --> 00:15:34,999
If you're gonna bring
Preparation H to bed,
287
00:15:35,033 --> 00:15:38,667
could you at least remember
to put the top back on.
288
00:15:39,234 --> 00:15:42,200
I mean, God,
it just takes me forever
289
00:15:42,234 --> 00:15:45,234
to scrub it out of the sheets
with your toothbrush.
290
00:15:47,567 --> 00:15:49,834
I got bigger things
on my mind now, Peg.
291
00:15:49,868 --> 00:15:52,434
That song is
haunting me.
292
00:15:53,033 --> 00:15:54,200
You know, Mr. Bundy,
293
00:15:54,234 --> 00:15:55,934
if you're really
looking for a record,
294
00:15:55,968 --> 00:15:59,099
my father knows
every oldie ever made.
295
00:15:59,133 --> 00:16:01,500
Oh. No, Al.
Please.
296
00:16:01,534 --> 00:16:03,667
If my feelings
mean anything to you,
297
00:16:03,701 --> 00:16:06,767
you will not invite
that man to my home.
298
00:16:07,501 --> 00:16:09,767
♪ Go with him ♪
299
00:16:11,701 --> 00:16:13,200
Mighty familiar, Al.
300
00:16:13,234 --> 00:16:14,733
You came to the right guy.
301
00:16:14,767 --> 00:16:16,099
Do you know the song?
302
00:16:16,133 --> 00:16:17,667
No.
303
00:16:18,868 --> 00:16:21,099
But I do know
the complete theme
304
00:16:21,133 --> 00:16:22,934
to The Patty Duke Show.
305
00:16:24,334 --> 00:16:26,600
♪ Well, they're cousins ♪
306
00:16:26,634 --> 00:16:29,300
♪ Identical cousins
All their lives ♪
307
00:16:29,334 --> 00:16:31,567
♪ They walk alike
They talk alike-- ♪
308
00:16:31,601 --> 00:16:34,734
And why not?
They're both Patty Duke.
309
00:16:37,234 --> 00:16:38,633
Gee, Charlie.
310
00:16:38,667 --> 00:16:41,099
You're still the same clown
prince of unemployment
311
00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:44,067
you were when those shoes
and shirt were in style.
312
00:16:46,934 --> 00:16:48,300
It's that cigarette
lighter
313
00:16:48,334 --> 00:16:50,900
that I found in a couch
at your wedding, right?
314
00:16:53,868 --> 00:16:55,733
Let-- Let me explain
about that.
315
00:16:55,767 --> 00:16:59,900
Ya see, to you, that lighter
was just a sterling silver,
316
00:16:59,934 --> 00:17:01,366
antique cigarette lighter
317
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:03,433
with your mother's
initials on it,
318
00:17:03,467 --> 00:17:06,533
in pure gold
with one diamond.
319
00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:10,300
But to me, it was
a keepsake of the memory
320
00:17:10,334 --> 00:17:13,667
of the most beautiful
bride I'd ever seen.
321
00:17:13,701 --> 00:17:15,600
A memory that remained
with me
322
00:17:15,634 --> 00:17:18,034
long after
I hocked the lighter.
323
00:17:19,667 --> 00:17:21,834
And if I may say so,
Peggy...
324
00:17:21,868 --> 00:17:25,834
that beauty has not
faded one bit.
325
00:17:26,601 --> 00:17:28,433
Really, Charlie?
326
00:17:28,467 --> 00:17:30,066
That's so sweet.
327
00:17:30,100 --> 00:17:31,066
Hey.
328
00:17:31,100 --> 00:17:32,500
It's right
from the heart.
329
00:17:32,534 --> 00:17:34,200
I mean, when I look
in your face,
330
00:17:34,234 --> 00:17:37,300
the only words
that come to my mind are:
331
00:17:37,334 --> 00:17:38,867
Final Vinyl.
332
00:17:38,901 --> 00:17:41,600
That's the store you have to
go to get that record, Al.
333
00:17:41,634 --> 00:17:42,867
Final Vinyl.
334
00:17:42,901 --> 00:17:45,467
Peg, didn't I tell you
that this man was great?
335
00:17:45,501 --> 00:17:47,667
Oh, uh, by the way,
Charlie, uh...
336
00:17:47,701 --> 00:17:49,166
how about that 20 bucks
you owe me?
337
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:51,800
You know, it's
only been 10 years.
338
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,800
I must take
my leave now.
339
00:17:54,834 --> 00:17:55,999
Come, Vincent.
340
00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:58,533
Goodbye to you,
Al...
341
00:17:58,567 --> 00:18:00,600
and to your two
lovely daughters.
342
00:18:00,634 --> 00:18:01,934
Charlie.
343
00:18:01,968 --> 00:18:03,867
Yes, enchantress?
344
00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:07,667
My watch.
345
00:18:14,801 --> 00:18:17,067
I was gonna get it
engraved for you.
346
00:18:17,934 --> 00:18:19,500
Till we meet again.
347
00:18:22,133 --> 00:18:25,033
Did you get anything?
No.
348
00:18:25,067 --> 00:18:27,401
Too bad. They got
some nice stuff.
349
00:18:28,734 --> 00:18:30,800
"Green Door"
by Jim Lowe.
350
00:18:31,601 --> 00:18:33,767
♪ Mm-hm-mm
With the hm and a knife ♪
351
00:18:33,801 --> 00:18:36,800
"Wolverton Mountain,"
Claude King. Aisle three.
352
00:18:37,834 --> 00:18:40,433
♪ Mmm-mm-mm flown
Yeah ♪
353
00:18:40,467 --> 00:18:43,800
"Any Day Now," Chuck Jackson.
Aisle four.
354
00:18:48,634 --> 00:18:50,200
Peg, this guy's
a genius.
355
00:18:50,234 --> 00:18:51,767
We're home.
356
00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:56,934
♪ Go with him ♪
357
00:18:57,467 --> 00:18:58,467
Never heard of it.
358
00:18:58,501 --> 00:18:59,467
Next.
359
00:18:59,501 --> 00:19:01,800
What a surprise.
360
00:19:03,033 --> 00:19:04,733
Thank you.
361
00:19:04,767 --> 00:19:06,468
Not even this, huh?
362
00:19:06,601 --> 00:19:08,266
What is it?
363
00:19:08,300 --> 00:19:10,433
Is Oprah right?
364
00:19:10,467 --> 00:19:12,600
Are you a big, fat woman?
365
00:19:14,300 --> 00:19:17,567
All I wanted was a 45--
a stinking 45
366
00:19:17,601 --> 00:19:20,133
-- the record or the gun.
367
00:19:20,167 --> 00:19:22,533
I'll even settle
for the damn malt liquor.
368
00:19:23,767 --> 00:19:26,934
Just this once can you show
that you can love even Al Bundy?
369
00:19:29,801 --> 00:19:31,400
♪ Go with him ♪
370
00:19:31,434 --> 00:19:34,133
* Ah-ahh *
371
00:19:34,167 --> 00:19:35,200
* But Anna *
372
00:19:35,234 --> 00:19:37,101
That's it!
That's my song!
373
00:19:38,567 --> 00:19:39,966
Thank you,
thank you.
374
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,966
Uh-- I'll be back for
only one more request.
375
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,101
It involves
a thunderbolt and, uh--
376
00:19:45,501 --> 00:19:47,733
That's my song!
That's my song.
377
00:19:47,767 --> 00:19:49,700
That's "Anna."
"Anna" on the jukebox.
378
00:19:49,734 --> 00:19:50,999
I want it.
How much is it?
379
00:19:51,033 --> 00:19:52,567
Well, since you're
a good customer,
380
00:19:52,601 --> 00:19:54,533
and obviously a ranting,
raving loon,
381
00:19:54,567 --> 00:19:55,867
you can have it
for $60.
382
00:19:55,901 --> 00:19:58,066
Sixty dollars?
383
00:19:58,100 --> 00:19:59,533
For a record?
384
00:19:59,567 --> 00:20:01,900
Hey, look, you must look
at my husband and mistake crazy
385
00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:03,133
for stupid.
386
00:20:03,167 --> 00:20:06,066
He is not paying you
$60 for a record.
387
00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:09,067
And if he does,
I will kiss your--
388
00:20:14,667 --> 00:20:17,201
Peg, this is the best
$60 I ever spent.
389
00:20:18,334 --> 00:20:20,533
Except for the day
before the day I met you,
390
00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:22,767
this is the happiest day
of my life.
391
00:20:23,734 --> 00:20:26,366
Peg, I'm going to play
this record over and over again
392
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,633
until my ears bleed.
393
00:20:28,667 --> 00:20:30,533
Honey, where's
my record player?
394
00:20:30,567 --> 00:20:31,800
With all your stuff.
395
00:20:31,834 --> 00:20:33,900
In a box in the corner
of the basement.
396
00:20:33,934 --> 00:20:36,366
Uh, honey. Come with me
while I get it.
397
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,033
I want to
share my joy.
398
00:20:38,067 --> 00:20:40,066
After you, my love.
399
00:20:40,100 --> 00:20:42,734
Well, at least you're acting
like a gentleman.
400
00:20:43,100 --> 00:20:45,234
Just not sure why.
401
00:20:51,467 --> 00:20:52,800
Thank you,
honey.
402
00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:55,468
Uh, I-I couldn't remember
which step was loose.
403
00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:00,468
Well, another
great night.
404
00:21:02,267 --> 00:21:04,633
Look. You have
to tell me right now.
405
00:21:04,667 --> 00:21:07,033
Why do you keep asking
your shoulders
406
00:21:07,067 --> 00:21:09,134
if you should go for it?
407
00:21:10,267 --> 00:21:12,667
I mean, are they
magic shoulders?
408
00:21:12,701 --> 00:21:14,600
If shoulders are talking
about me,
409
00:21:14,634 --> 00:21:16,266
I have a right to know.
410
00:21:16,300 --> 00:21:18,900
No. There's nothing
on my shoulder.
411
00:21:18,934 --> 00:21:21,234
Some say
not even my head.
412
00:21:21,801 --> 00:21:23,600
But I digest.
413
00:21:24,167 --> 00:21:25,166
Nothing.
414
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:26,934
'Tis just as the poet said:
415
00:21:26,968 --> 00:21:28,733
'Twas the wind.
416
00:21:28,767 --> 00:21:29,800
No.
417
00:21:29,834 --> 00:21:32,133
'Twas the raven.
418
00:21:32,167 --> 00:21:33,767
No.
419
00:21:34,267 --> 00:21:36,400
Actually,
'Twas a quoth.
420
00:21:36,434 --> 00:21:37,700
Oh, enough.
421
00:21:37,734 --> 00:21:39,800
If I wanted intelligent
conversation,
422
00:21:39,834 --> 00:21:41,967
I'd still be dating
my teachers.
423
00:21:44,133 --> 00:21:46,700
Now, kiss me,
or I will kill you.
424
00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:54,633
Now, that didn't
hurt, did it?
425
00:21:54,667 --> 00:21:55,633
No.
426
00:21:55,667 --> 00:21:57,099
Actually, it ranks
right up there
427
00:21:57,133 --> 00:21:59,434
with finding money
in the street.
428
00:22:02,100 --> 00:22:03,966
Well, then, what
took you so long?
429
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:05,066
Well...
430
00:22:05,100 --> 00:22:07,600
actually, I was afraid
of your father.
431
00:22:07,634 --> 00:22:08,900
But as we all learned
432
00:22:08,934 --> 00:22:11,934
from that moving
Jimmy Piersall story,
433
00:22:11,968 --> 00:22:15,034
you've nothing to fear,
but fear strikes out.
434
00:22:16,267 --> 00:22:18,166
Churchill, I believe.
Mm.
435
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,966
And besides,
your father likes me.
436
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:24,434
I think we're gonna be
great friends.
30803
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